Sh**ged Married Annoyed - A Garage-full of Beef and a Late Night Feast

Episode Date: August 21, 2026

This week on the podcast, Chris has single handedly been lowering the family golf handicap (someone’s got to!) and Rosie is planning a jam packed trip to Edinburgh Fringe! Chris has a big beef with... Rosie, and they get a visitor in the studio... All this plus icks, QFTPs and voicenotes sent in by you! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch!  📧: shaggedmarriedannoyed@gmail.com 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Transcript
Discussion (0)
Starting point is 00:00:00 Coming up on this week's episode of Shagm Round Inouye. It's still the school holidays. It's still the school holidays. Wow. Still the school holidays. I've been away playing golf, though. So I'm okay. I've had a nice time.
Starting point is 00:00:11 Catch a massive spider in the studio. It's still in the corner. It's huge. It's all going on. It's staring at us. I have got a mega beef. Mega beef. And you know what you've done.
Starting point is 00:00:21 I know. And bad, bad Rosie. Questions from the public? And some cracking voice notes. Enjoy. five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk.
Starting point is 00:00:42 Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca. Get your tickets now for the dog star. It's no surprise how fast civilization can disappear. Go! Out there, just kill or be killed. Jacob Allurdy.
Starting point is 00:01:11 There are people out there? They need our help. Josh Brolin. Shoot first and inquire afterwards. Margaret Qualley. Okay, tough guy. And Guy Pearce. Arm up!
Starting point is 00:01:22 The Dog Stars, directed by Ridley Scott, in theaters August 28th. Get tickets now. Hello, you are listening and possibly watching Shagmire Denoyd with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Welcome back. Hello, hello. To the madness.
Starting point is 00:01:39 Yes, we're here. Kids are still off. Kids are still off. Chris. Chris. Yeah? Promise me now. Next year.
Starting point is 00:01:49 We're taking on work. Yeah. We are taking on some jobs. You know what it is? No. No. Because the grass shows we down. Don't you fucking dare be stopping nice.
Starting point is 00:01:58 Nevers got a new car that you want to drive at a time. Listen. When you join in, when you join in, I'll stop singing. Because you ruin it. It's not fun. It's funny when I do it. It's just good when you do it.
Starting point is 00:02:08 Now listen, there are parents out there who will be working day and day out of this holidays and they'll be gutted that. I know. The lovely hot summer with their children. You apologise now. You apologise to them, people.
Starting point is 00:02:19 You apologise to them. Because, yeah, because actually you'll be watching the clock at work thinking when can I get home to see me darling children. Yeah. And it's still nice. Hopefully we can have the barbecue on tonight. Hopefully it'll not rain.
Starting point is 00:02:28 And I get that. We have been lucky slash very unlucky to have a lot of time. We have. So much time. No, because both of us have a lot of stuff coming up this autumn. Yes. We are booked and blessed.
Starting point is 00:02:41 Yes, blooped and blessed. People still like what. Weird, isn't it? After everything. So we know that we've got a really busy autumn coming up. You're going to be away. I'm going to be away quite a lot also. So we were like, listen, some are nothing.
Starting point is 00:02:56 Really regret that decision. Yeah. I know. We haven't been to London. I don't know. Because we're going to do, please get me anonymous. I haven't been down. It's all coming. It's all good.
Starting point is 00:03:06 And yeah, it's, it is what it is. It is what it is. And I've got the two are coming up. Chris Wamsdycommon. See, be honest though. We're just slaves to our children. Yeah. We're just slaves to our kids.
Starting point is 00:03:17 100%. Constant. 24-7. Really? If I have to make another fucking cheese sandwich. I walked in the other day from being away for a few days, right? I went and did a gig. Oh, well, well, coming out, Chris has had a lovely time.
Starting point is 00:03:28 Chris has, Chris has been away. If you're watching this on YouTube, I'm smiling. Chris has been away a lot. Well, it was work. It was work. I went away on Saturday night. Could have come home straight after work, but you didn't. But then I had it.
Starting point is 00:03:42 Right. Again, it was work on Saturday night. It was a gig. Big thank you to everyone in Herafad who came. Did you know, it was in a circus tent? Was it good? Literally, we haven't spoke with each other. It was phenomenal.
Starting point is 00:03:51 Thank you to everyone who came at the gig in Harrah. Do you know what was hilarious? So Russell Howard did it the night before me. Right. So it was like a two-night comedy festival thing. So Russell did it at the night. And I got there and everyone was like, it's much cool at the night.
Starting point is 00:04:02 This is so much better that it's cooler because Russell last night. it had to push the show back an hour because it was 40 degrees in the tent Oh, you wouldn't have hoped well. Well, well. Oh, no. Oh, you did collapse on stage.
Starting point is 00:04:16 But listen to how ridiculous is the pushback. It was probably still boiling hot, but listen to this, right? This is how ridiculous this is. It was in the big top tent in the car park of Heref had court theatre, right? So they told me this whole story about how it was far too hot and muscle carted to do it push it right hour. And then they went, only will go to your dressing room.
Starting point is 00:04:32 Do you what my dressing room was? The main thing, theatre the main air-conditioned theatre in the venue was me dressing room I hate everyone I was like I was just how many what's it was it was it's gonna do two I think that I had to do two in that main theatre but you could have just done two one-hour shows in the air-conditioned theatre rather than put everyone in a 40 to reject but hey I told them on stage I was like I was like I was like you are sitting in this twit it was quite hot I was like you're sitting in this 10 sweat and I was like I've just got ready in the air-condition theatre I was like that's like having a
Starting point is 00:05:04 shit in a bucket outside of your bathroom door. Ridiculous, yeah, it is. It was very funny. It was very funny. But we're British and we're quirky. It was a tent. It was really good fun. And we don't think. We never thought we're going to have this summer.
Starting point is 00:05:18 We didn't, of course we didn't. Of course we didn't. And the last time I did a gig in a tent like that, I don't know if anyone listening remembers. It was Norwich. I drove all the way down to Norwich. MC went on, did great. Open I went on, did great.
Starting point is 00:05:28 Middilack went on, did great. Interval, Thunder and Lightning. Had to cancel the game. I remember that. I came straight home. I remember that. Devastated. Did you get paid?
Starting point is 00:05:34 Yeah. Yeah, nice. And then, and then I did stay away for an extra night, Rosie, but I, again, I am the only one in this family trying to lower our collective golf handicap as a family. No one else has helping with this, so I had to go to the belfry and I had to play golf for two days
Starting point is 00:05:53 just to get, like, this family, man. I know, so out there. I just need to get it down. Well, that's fine. I'm going to the fringe this weekend. You are, you excited. And I'm very excited about it. Very good.
Starting point is 00:06:02 I'm really looking forward to it. genuinely what started as a bit of a loner expedition of me just sort of being like I'm gonna go at the fringe and what's sad is that everyone's like well as Chris come up I'm like no I'm not going with Chris not going with you wasn't about it wasn't about it no I'm going on my own but I've like I've got loads of friends there
Starting point is 00:06:20 and I'm just gonna mill you're in industry fucking mill about you're going to mingle I'm going to mingle my tits off get in and yeah I'm very little part of it so so if you're walking around Edinburgh this weekend and you see your pay of tits on the floor Rosie's mingled too much and the tits have actually fell off
Starting point is 00:06:35 They've actually fell off I'm gonna have to be careful though because I don't want to be drunk Right Don't want to be drunk In Edinburgh on my own You'll be drunk Well, I think of
Starting point is 00:06:41 Once you and John McNally get on it There's a couple of absolute Raifs and Strais Horrible. Rafe and Strais Is that it? Wafs and Strais. I've got a kick-all
Starting point is 00:06:49 Rafeonk might be mine I'm a good dad But I'm also meeting up with Stevie Martin and she does also enjoy it She drinks a dirt
Starting point is 00:06:55 Have you ever had a dirty Martini? Is that just a Borghumed Dusting? when they haven't watched the glass. No, it's a martini, which is just straight vodka, I think,
Starting point is 00:07:04 or gin, maybe straight gin, and I like gin, with, like, olive brine. And I love olives, but honestly, it's the most disgusting thing I've ever had. That's the worst thing I've ever had. Because we were out,
Starting point is 00:07:14 well, I told you this, man, we were out in London. Olive brine. Like the brine. So if you have an extra dirty martini, you're just having more of the olive brine. Gross. Fucking disgusting. Horrible.
Starting point is 00:07:27 And I, when she was, drinking it, I just thought, oh my God, I need to try one of these. I've never had one. We've spoke about this before. Sure we are. In the north, you don't really go to the all-bar one and ask for a dirty martini. I think they'd probably spit on you. But anyway.
Starting point is 00:07:43 That's a really, with the spitting it, that's a dirty, dirty, dirty martini. It's actually called a filthy martini. Right. That's what you need. Yeah. It's filthy martini. Dirty martini's the olive brine. Filthy martini is a spit in it. Rancid martini the piss in it. What's the come? Sexy martini.
Starting point is 00:07:58 Sexy martini. They're coming in it. Right. Yeah, yeah. Like, well, yeah. Murder martini, they put blood in. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:08:04 You know I love a franchise. Should we start a like a can, a can drinks good. What are the shitty martini? No, let me come up with something. Well, that could be dirty. Not the shit in it. Yes, I know, but you wouldn't,
Starting point is 00:08:18 that's so on the nose. A shitty martini. Come up with something better than that. Okay, sorry. Natby martini. Earthy Martini. Back to basics. Anyway, I try.
Starting point is 00:08:28 tried I drink and it was disgusting. I thought, I'm never drinking one of them ever again. There it is. So that's what she drinks. And yeah, we're going to see Fatia. Yes. My maid, Kelly's on. I'm going to see Kelly.
Starting point is 00:08:38 We're going to drink. My manager Lee's there. Robin O'Brien's there who did our TV stuff. All of the team from the podcast are there. I can't wait. I'm not going. If anything, there's too many people to catch up with. Buzz and I'm not going.
Starting point is 00:08:51 Really lovely to not be invited. Great. What was I going to say? Yes, actually, let's crack the fuck on. Guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for watching. Ooh, exciting news.
Starting point is 00:09:01 If you are watching, YouTube are changing the way to count the views now. It counts straight from the beginning. So honestly, fucking turn off now. Oh, got your view. Fuck off. Go fuck off.
Starting point is 00:09:10 Go fuck off. Don't. Put a wash on, you lazy bitch. Just leave on the background. Yeah, so thank you so much. No, I'm sorry. No, good. Yeah, we're joking.
Starting point is 00:09:22 Stay. Stay now. So thank you very much. And subscribe on your podcast shops and all that will be lovely. Thank you. And without further ado, And it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Now, I'm bringing a sponsor from back in the day.
Starting point is 00:09:34 Back in day. Back in day. Back in olden days. Can you remember this week's sponsor is school? Can you remember when your kids went to school? No. Can you remember school? What used to happen was, right?
Starting point is 00:09:47 You used to get up in the morning. You'd get them some breakfast. You'd put on, it was called it, uniform. Sorry? Una, una form. No, no, no, no. I'll have to Google it, hold on, was it? It's just shirt and shorts.
Starting point is 00:10:00 Uniform. Sorry, apologies everyone's pronounced uniform. So you'd put that on your children and then you would take them in the car to school. Right. You would... The school trip. None of this is the mental bit.
Starting point is 00:10:11 This is the mental bit, right? You would leave them there and you'd come back on your own. They'd go into this building for the day, like eight hours, and you'd come back home on your own. Did they get dinner? They get fed there. They get entertained there.
Starting point is 00:10:25 They get taught stuff. Rosie, you used to pay. pick them up, you'll not believe this, like 3 o'clock, 4 o'clock in the afternoon. You would have, if you had a day off, you would have a full day without them, then you'd go and pick them up and your tea at the moment, give them their tea and stuff at home.
Starting point is 00:10:38 Isn't that amazing? How do you find out about what age do they go? I don't think it's the thing anymore. I haven't heard about it. It feels like 15 years easily. I don't think they do it anymore. But they used to. Right.
Starting point is 00:10:49 It was good back in the day. When that comes back around, I would love hours to go. I doubt it will. I doubt it will. It's never happened by ages. That's ridiculous. over here. Thank you for playing along. Are you welcome?
Starting point is 00:11:01 Sometimes you know, I know you get annoyed by us but sometimes you play along and it really really makes us happy. No, I miss school. They've had a lovely time but it's time. Do I keep saying to Robin? I think I said it last week. I keep saying it or I got him again yesterday. I went back to school on Monday. What?
Starting point is 00:11:14 That's a week after. I just do you know what it is as well, right? Let's be real here for a minute. Yeah. Because on last week's podcast I called us working class. We are not working class anymore. Me and you live a very different life to when we were younger. Right?
Starting point is 00:11:26 We can't bullshit. We've got a good podcast. You go on to us. You sell out. We've earned a lot more money than we ever had as children. Well, lives have changed. Well, lives have changed massively.
Starting point is 00:11:36 Thanks everyone, by the way. Cheers. We're so welcome, honestly. But I am finding, we can afford it, but I'm finding these school holidays expensive. Horrible.
Starting point is 00:11:47 Harder. Mad expensive. But we're in a world where we can afford it. So actually, you know, that's fine. But I'm so aware that I, obviously, we still live at home,
Starting point is 00:11:56 A horrible friends have very normal jobs. How the hell is everybody... How you're meant to have all of these activities and all these things? Well, you can't. Yeah. And again, again, I know I say this to people all the time. I'm guilty of it myself. Do not look at Instagram and think you're the only one not taking your kids on all these ridiculous days out.
Starting point is 00:12:12 You're not. You're not. People just, they're showing off. That's all it is. That's all it is. It's all it is. But I just find... I just think I love time off with my kids and I think it's really precious.
Starting point is 00:12:22 But let, can we, can we like... The government... Can you just spread it out? Let's have more... Do you know when would be a lovely time to have more time? Christmas. Do you reckon? Well, I just think before Christmas,
Starting point is 00:12:35 the build-up to Christmas, let's have a week there. So then you're down to five weeks, right? You do all your things, you can do your Santa visits, your grottoes and all that. Spring. Let's have another week in spring.
Starting point is 00:12:45 And then, so you doubt, I think four weeks summer holidays would be perfect. Raves have got out to read. Well, I know. I don't think he fully has. He went through a book. Claims he has. He's full of shit, but he claims he has.
Starting point is 00:12:54 But I just think, let's shorten the summer. holidays it would be easier for people to get child care it would be easy it would be less expensive so you could spread it out across the year however however for people who do go on holiday then you've got for only four weeks that you can go abroad no because you could go in the spring uh okay oh do you know can I just see though they're looking on Instagram so it happens with golf you literally you look on Instagram and you look at anyone who puts photos of golf and you go they're always playing they're not they probably played once
Starting point is 00:13:22 and they put the photos on I know it's fucking ridiculous I hope he's all right because I just think it's just the world's gone mad. Yeah, it can be a lot. You go to the cinema trips. Oh God! When the four of us go, it's disgusting. I know. Disgusting the cinema.
Starting point is 00:13:35 I know. Honestly, take you own sandwiches. Take your own christian sandwiches. Fuck them. We had to fight about the jingle, jing-go. We couldn't settle on a jingo, jing-go. So this is the jingo-d-d-d-d-d-go. We hope you like the jing-go-d-d-d-ch-gong.
Starting point is 00:13:55 Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Jingo! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married and Lloyd. Hello, hello. Now, just one more little point on the gig that I went and did the other day. In the tent.
Starting point is 00:14:08 First of all, it was like, I haven't thought about my material for this tour that I'm on at the minute, this stand-up tour. I haven't thought about it since my last gig that I did in Swansea in May at the end of the tour. And I was like, I've got this gig in Herofad. I was like, I need to remember the show. And I was panicking.
Starting point is 00:14:24 And I just want to thank you. you because you handled it in a very good way. Normally I like to be indulged when I'm having me anxieties. I've only got two children. I don't need another one. You don't know. You should get that tattooed on you. You say it that often.
Starting point is 00:14:37 I said to you, oh, Rosie, I don't, how am I going to remember me? Sure. And you, to credit me it, you went, I'm not doing this. You went, I'm not doing this. You'll remember it. You always remember it. Shut up about it. It's been 10 years.
Starting point is 00:14:51 And I went, okay. You do it every, every two. Fair enough. And I did, I remember, I listened to it once in the car, the recording from Swansea, and I remembered it, and I did it, and it was fine.
Starting point is 00:15:01 So thank you. Thank you for not indulging us, and thank you for doing that, and I appreciate it. You're welcome. I mean, there was part of us, I thought, fucking hell if he doesn't.
Starting point is 00:15:08 And I'd, when I texted on the night, said, I remembered it, and you were like, I fucking knew you would, so yeah. So there we go. Because it doesn't go,
Starting point is 00:15:13 it's like, there was some bit, it's so odd. There was some bits, I started the story, and in my brain, I went, where am I going with this?
Starting point is 00:15:19 Yeah. And I just kept talking and it just fell out my mouth muscle memory. If you put on, what's it? I remember when rock was young. I could do the crocodile rock for you. Right.
Starting point is 00:15:31 That I learned at Pontons when I was 18. And it would just fall out your mouth. Yeah. I remember when rock was young. Me and Susie had so much fun holding hands and skimming stones. Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.
Starting point is 00:15:45 It's called the crocodile rock. It was a damn. No, no. So you remember that. Right, so... I never knew me a better time, but I guess I did you ever will. Cards on the table, yeah. Anyone come up to see...
Starting point is 00:16:00 No, no, no. Stop there. Anyone come up to see my stand-up? I actually remember it word for word. There's not a part... I didn't sing it. I just did the dance. Great.
Starting point is 00:16:08 There's not a part where I go, Hey, so the other day... Fell over. I thought, hey, and that was just the teachers. No, I will. I will succinctly say every single words I don't worry about Susie Warher
Starting point is 00:16:22 Dretty of Thailand Tit. Right So I did that I went to the I went and did the gig And then like stop She's got to finish it Fucking Christ
Starting point is 00:16:32 It was horrible I'm terrible I'm ill I'm ill I went with my friend Jimmy comedian Jimmy McGee comedian Is he Scottish He's got any Scottish in him
Starting point is 00:16:45 Yes originally Jimmy McGee Yeah So we went and play The Belfy Which was amazing And he A couple of things.
Starting point is 00:16:53 He reminded us of the worst gig I ever had in my life that I don't think I've ever told you about. I don't have ever told you about this. So I finished, talking about Edinburgh, I finished my gig in the Edinburgh Fringe. I finished, I think I think I must have finished about half past nine at night. And I was like, right, she'd go for curry.
Starting point is 00:17:08 And Jimmy was like, yeah. So we went to a curry house. What time, what part of your career was this? Was this nine people in the audience or was this the pleasant? How dare you? Well, yeah, you've been there. I'd never deny people in the audience.
Starting point is 00:17:24 How many was the least? How day? 10. Oh. 10 minimum. Nine. That's a slap in the face. How fucking did.
Starting point is 00:17:34 Are we counting stuff? No. Okay, fair enough. Yeah, I've done nine. Was it horrible? Yeah, tough. Yeah. Tough.
Starting point is 00:17:44 It's good though. Like, I think that teaches you a lot. Character building. It is character building. But yeah, so we went for a couple of things. Curry, right? And I sat down, a couple of pints, start as Popadoms, Mainz, I finished a madrasse. It must have been quarter to 11. And my phone rang. And someone said, Chris, and I went, yeah, they went, where are you? And I went, what? And they went, you're hosting late and live. And I went,
Starting point is 00:18:12 tonight. I thought it was tomorrow. I went, no, it's tonight. I went, what a God. And I just put some money on the table. And I stood up and full of chicken madras beer, onion bodgy, popadom. with a bag on I... Not a bag. You know I hate bags? I full sprinted. Full sprinted across Edinburgh
Starting point is 00:18:30 to the Gilded Balloon which is about a five minute sprint to 10 minute walk and I ran on stage and did it late in life and it was the worst gig of my life it was the worst gig I've ever ever done to me
Starting point is 00:18:43 I thought I was going to be sick for the entire way I was sweating I was burping it was disgusting so and were you not at the level where like because I feel like if you would do that now,
Starting point is 00:18:52 you're kind of at the level where you could get away with it and you'd be like... I would tell them. I would totally forgot about this. I would walk on stage. I would go, you've got no,
Starting point is 00:19:00 I have just finished a curry a mile away and the phone doesn't like do this and I'll be like, get us a chair, I'm going to be sitting and I would make a thing of it and I would tell everyone about it.
Starting point is 00:19:08 Were you signed then? Yeah, yeah, I was with Avalon but I didn't have the chops to me. I just had to go on and just do me bit. I just had a routine. God, it was awful. Oh, God. It was awful.
Starting point is 00:19:19 No, you've never ever told me that. I remember who the first act was. You know, as the comp, as the host, it's your job to warm them up. They were clay cold when that poor first act went on. So whoever that first act was, I'm really sorry. It was awful. Oh, mate, we've all done it. Imagine jumping on a treadmill after a curry for five minutes and then doing a show.
Starting point is 00:19:36 Awful. I've had other experiences. My tits used to come out a lot. Yeah, but that's just, you know, giving everyone a bit more for their money, you know? That is true. There it is. Yeah. There it is.
Starting point is 00:19:44 Babadoo, babadoo, babo, babo. This episode is sponsored by TV licensing. A TV license covers you to watch over four. 400 TV channels and everything on BBC IPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.cour.ukau.uk forward slash pod. One of my favourite programmes ever is back for a 16th series. It's a real tear joker. I know you're not as big a fan as I am.
Starting point is 00:20:06 You are, this is, I will walk in the room and you are crying. And I go, oh my God, what's happened? Have you had some terrible news? No, you're just watching. Long Loss family. There it is. Born without a trace. I TV.
Starting point is 00:20:18 Bafta Award winning series. Of course. hosted by Davina McCall and Nikki Campbell. It's just, I mean, you would have watched it. It's 16 series in, but it's just so emotional. And it's just a fantastic program. I don't know how they host it. It would kill me.
Starting point is 00:20:34 I think that every episode. Yeah, how do you do this job? They hold it together really, really well. And it's just beautifully, it's so well done. And it's, yeah, that's back for the 16th series if you fancy it. Now, I tell you what else is back, something I used to watch all the time, buzz on that is back this summer. Animal Park, marking 25 years of Ben Fogel and Cade Humble
Starting point is 00:20:56 at the heart of BBC's longest running day. It's BBC's longest running daytime favourite. It's so, I just, like, don't get us wrong. I love your sort of Attenborough nature things and you're really in-depth things. But Animal Park, it's almost like just a little cozy little, I don't know, like a little cozy little zoo. It's like the day-to-day running of the place. Yeah. It's just a really a good show for all the family. on IPlayer to watch whenever and you can just stick it on when the kids are in and it's just a nice...
Starting point is 00:21:24 Is it a bit of nostalgia as well for you? Oh, it's a huge nostalgia for me. I love it. I mean, it's been running for 25 years. It's a heck of a show. And longly, it's a fab place. Brilliant. Kids love anything like that with animals and stuff. Oh, so do I.
Starting point is 00:21:37 A TV license covers you to watch over 400 TV channels and everything on BBC iPlayer. To find out more, go to tvl.cour.ukukukukuk forward slash pod. and five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for
Starting point is 00:22:00 the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.
Starting point is 00:22:18 Great news. The federal EV rebate is back. Eligible customers get up to $5,000 with the federal EVAP rebate on select 2027 volt and 2026 Equinox EV models. Visit your local Chevrolet dealer today for more details.
Starting point is 00:22:34 Babadoo, babadoo, babadu, babo, ba. So, this is another thing as well. I mean, so in our, in our accent, stuff sometimes really, really funny in our accent. It's funnier in our accent. Some stuff in a posh accent is funnier than our accent. So I was playing, Jimmy's quite a posh boy.
Starting point is 00:22:48 We've talked about, guys, we've talked about Jimmy before. He's the guy who empties his WhatsApp, delete all of his WhatsApp messages to clean all his inbox out and never has messages in his inbox, like a psychopath. It's just got a very different life to us. He's got time on his hands.
Starting point is 00:23:00 He's got a time on his hands. No kids, a bit of money. He tells me sometimes he was, he was sitting in our house yet because he stayed at ours. He was having a cup of tea and a cup of coffee and the kids were running crazy and I went, is this a bit mad for you? And he went, yeah, he went,
Starting point is 00:23:10 I'm normally just sitting with my own thoughts in my chair and I'll just finish the papers. He went, I'll just have a pile of papers and I'll just finish them all. Did he hate it really? He looked on edge. He looked on edge while our children were just screaming and running around and just going mental. He didn't look comfortable.
Starting point is 00:23:28 No. He didn't look comfortable. No, I'll give you honest with you. Oh, I've had him a croissant. No, he had the quasson, yeah. Oh, did he? But yeah, he was just there. It was a little bit like how I would...
Starting point is 00:23:38 It's a little bit like how I would sit if I was in a cafe and I thought a fight was about to kick off. Okay. That's kind of how he was sitting. Oh. I don't want to alarm you put the size of that spider in the corner Oh, holy shit That is fucking gigantic
Starting point is 00:23:55 Is it dead? It just moved Oh by the way, I've seen a spider I was watering the plants at the front of the house the other day And there's like, the front of the house is like a Victorian So there's like that old school like air vent thing Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah Oh God
Starting point is 00:24:07 This spider crawled into it Yeah In and out of it a couple of times Massive Just a little bit smaller Like probably the, you know, my bed, palm bit in my hand. Yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:24:17 Like that. Yeah. And you know when you like, you're like, you're cheeky little shit. No, like that's my house. And you're just like, in and out. And I'm gonna, I'm gonna see you later. That might be it.
Starting point is 00:24:28 And be devastated. You never know. Yeah. I think, no, it was bigger than that. Really? Yeah, it was bigger. But I was, and it was just like, in and out. Like, what?
Starting point is 00:24:36 I was like, I'm fine. I'm really sorry. I'm gonna have to put a pint glass over this spider. I think it's dead. It's not dead. If I'm watching this, me hebbin, heaven pine glass from the sitcom I did when I was 12.
Starting point is 00:24:48 Right. This guy's big, like... Oh, my God. Oh my God. Oh my God. Nah. Nah. Nah.
Starting point is 00:25:04 You're going to put a pipe glass out with it. You just watch the show from over there, mate. Shall I get him and show everyone? Yeah. I might as... Right, if you're watching on YouTube, you can have a look. We've been doing this for seven years now, so... Listen, this is where we're at.
Starting point is 00:25:18 We're showing you this by it. Oh, gee. Jesus Christ. He had a big old boy him like. No, go to that one then. Oh, hello. Any Australians watching? Obviously, that's not big.
Starting point is 00:25:37 It's tiny. Yeah. Don't, please, please put it somewhere else. Oh, yeah. I put it the wrong way. Hello. All right, yeah. Let's watch.
Starting point is 00:25:49 If you hear some screaming, by the way, everyone, it's bench pressed the glass off and came forward. so I was playing a like I say I was playing golf with Jimmy there was one hole where oh god by the way sorry everybody
Starting point is 00:26:03 no I'm not talking about golf good because it's horrible great and you're gonna lose with listeners I'm not man I'm not talking about if you let's get to it nobody likes golf it's not about golf
Starting point is 00:26:15 sad lonely men it's not offensive I don't care this is worse this is worse can remember that time you said that I played at nine people
Starting point is 00:26:21 this is worse than that um There was this... Ick, by the way, when you and Jimmy got in from golf and you went, she was sok with clubs. Oh, God. Two handsome men in my house. What am I handsome?
Starting point is 00:26:39 You're handsome? Oh, thank you. Do you not think you're handsome? I do you think I'd marry a minger? Great. Yeah, just ick of the century. Go on. Well, you have to clean the clubs afterwards
Starting point is 00:26:50 because we're going on the golf simulator and it'll do you the screen. Awful. She went. Soot were clubs. Mast. The correct name is Mast your clubs.
Starting point is 00:26:58 So you masked them. So there was this one hole, there was a power lines over the top of it and there were literally I've never been that close to power lines. There's loads of massive pylons
Starting point is 00:27:07 and there were, and like I said, 20 minutes ago when I started this story, there's some things that are funnier and a posh accent that are not. Right. And I went, God, I went, should I build to hear them?
Starting point is 00:27:16 I went, that's horrible that. And he went, yes, it's quite disconcerting, isn't it? And he paused for a second. He went, this is how I, This is how episodes of casualty used to start.
Starting point is 00:27:31 You're so fucking right. Oh, do you know what I've just remembered? Two brooks in a field, puts the metal stick in the air. Yeah. That is an episode. Do you know what you were to use twice? Which I haven't heard for. Donkeys. Trite.
Starting point is 00:27:45 Trite. God, I thought, oh. Do you think I... I'm bringing that back. Do you think we should tell the estate he's already slept over and say if it's put the pot property price of? Might have. Trite.
Starting point is 00:27:54 And I can't remember what context you use it in. but it was the right one. Yeah. Yeah, and I thought, oh, I'm bringing trite back. Wasn't that these pants are a bit trite? No, it was definitely like... It was trite.
Starting point is 00:28:05 Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. It's time for, what's your bee! What's your beep! What's your beep! What's your beef, what you be? Beef, beef. Okay, so, I've been away. I've been a delight.
Starting point is 00:28:18 You couldn't possibly have any kind of beef with me. Do you know what? I know what your beef is going to be this week. Yes, you do. And I'm going to be quiet. And I haven't got one this week And I'm going to take it I'm going to take it
Starting point is 00:28:29 Like a hua Okay And I'm just Because you're right Because you're right You're right This is good Right stop
Starting point is 00:28:39 You're right Listen everyone Yeah We did a tour Podcast tour The second one we did We had a big wall I'm talking
Starting point is 00:28:46 80 feet of lamps Fake wooden fronted lamps And lamp shades Either side of the screen We had All kinds of different stuff We had a big, a big, the blob costume that you were in. Cost four grand.
Starting point is 00:29:01 Yeah, again, a business expense. Part of the tour comes off the back end. Came on my bank. So then we didn't. Since the tour ended two years ago, Rosie has been in a constant battle with the people who are storing it. So they stored all of that stuff.
Starting point is 00:29:16 The people who work for our management have said, look, this stuff is still in storage, what are to do with it? I said, get rid of it. It's costing £60 a month, which was upsetting. I said, get rid of it. Rosie said, no, keep in storage, no, no, get rid of it. Honestly, Rosie, pointless, get rid of it.
Starting point is 00:29:30 Waited ages, what you just want to do again? Get rid of it. No, keep it, like, get rid of it. Rosie gives in and finally, no, get it sent up to us. I said, don't get it sent up to us. Please don't get it sent up to us. Just get rid of it. Just said, no, get it sent up to us. Get it sorted without me knowing, right?
Starting point is 00:29:45 I'm not even on the email chain. Get spooked to come up to us. You go out for the day. That was the best bit. That was the best bit. Chris, there's a delivery coming. I'm thinking ASOS or some shit as usual. Oh no, no. Oh no.
Starting point is 00:30:00 You know the war buttons lorries you see on the motorways, guys. Fucking bigger than that. Bigger than that pulls up outside. I'm telling you, pulls up outside. This absolutely cool as fuck, South African or Australian, couldn't be tell by his accent. Serfery looking guy. Racist.
Starting point is 00:30:17 Brilliant. Racist and a dick. So fucking sound. He jumped out. I went, ah, I went, you're all right, mate. He was like, well, that's a lovely dad. sun is shining. So, of course I'm all right.
Starting point is 00:30:24 I was like, nice one. This guy is so positive. I was like, this guy's great. He opened the back of the lorry. He went, alright, there's not much. Open the back of the lorry. I'm telling you now, right? Eight, the best way to describe this,
Starting point is 00:30:38 eight family-sized wheelie bins on wheels. Big wooden crates the size of them. Big, if you've got a family of six and you get the big fat wheelie bin. Like the Biff has? Aye, eight of them, right? Maybe 10. I can't remember.
Starting point is 00:30:52 It was a blur at the back of his thing. He goes, that's not there. I'm actually, it's just this. Halfie's fucking lorry full. I went, you're joking. I went, all of them. Yeah, yeah. I'll give you a hand, though.
Starting point is 00:31:03 I went, okay. Open the gate. Gravel drive, by the way. So me and this guy are basically lifted and pull them along the drive. I open the garage and we put them in the garage. And we, halfway through, we've half filled that garage.
Starting point is 00:31:16 That garage is fucked, right? And I'm getting more and more angry. So it's not all there? No, it's all there, but it was half filled, half way. Come on, maths. Half filled halfway. So the rest rate, we'll fill the rest. And we put them in and he's like, what is all this
Starting point is 00:31:28 anyway? I went, and I'm like, he was the most positive man and by the end, I warmed down, right? He went, I'm glad I wasn't there to say that. Yeah, he went, what is all this? No, I was fine. I gave him money at the end. I gave him a tip, he was buzzing. He gives us a hug. But I think it's just because he saw how upset I was. He genuinely, he gives a hug. He gives a hug. He gives a hug
Starting point is 00:31:46 at the end, yeah, yeah. Because I give him, like, I give him a few quid, like, I was like, I got you said a drink. Oh, nice. Okay. He's like, oh, man, give us a hug. But it was mainly because you could see how upset it was, because I kept going,
Starting point is 00:31:56 and he got more down off his lorry. And I went, it's all right, mate, come on. And he went, uh, what is all this? I went, oh, it's for a show, for like an arena show. He went, oh, great. When's the show? I went, two years ago. He went, fucking what?
Starting point is 00:32:15 I went, yeah, two years ago. He went, well, what? I went, this is all, it's all going to go in here. I went, and in six months time, I'm going to have to take it all at the 10. I went, that's what it is. I'm not going to fit. We moved loads of stuff from the garage.
Starting point is 00:32:25 We pushed it to the back. Do you know what I mean fucking light bulbs are in there? I know. There's a box of about 80 light bulbs and we'll put them on. We got them right at the front. By the end, he was just as sad as me until I gave him that money.
Starting point is 00:32:35 Then he gave us a hug. And I text you a photo of the packed garage and what did you reply? Oh. Oh. Admit you're wrong. I haven't said anything. Good.
Starting point is 00:32:47 Yeah, totally wrong. I forgot. how big an arena. In my defence, please may I have a little bit of a defence? No. Please, your honour. Who is, Your Honour?
Starting point is 00:32:59 Your honour, please may I stake my case? Please, bring the spider up, I'll say it to him. Oh, I was just about to say, do what makes us feel bad at? No, I'm not eating a spider, no. Why did you go to eating it? What are you talking about? Can I just throw that?
Starting point is 00:33:10 I'm not shagging a spider. You have to shag the spider out after film it. Can I throw the spider at you? No, no, no. That made you feel, I'd be, I'd be, I would die. No, I would die. I would die. Please don't throw the spider around.
Starting point is 00:33:25 Okay. In my defence, when we did that arena tour, Raph was six months old. Genuinely, I was post-partum. That was the first one. He was a year old. Still, you're still fucked after,
Starting point is 00:33:38 you're telling me, you're not fucked. It takes five years for you to get back to any sort of normality as a woman after our children, right? I was fucked. Blur. Blur. Well done everyone who came if you enjoyed it.
Starting point is 00:33:49 Like, I don't fucking know how, because I was a mess, right? and I forgot how big the arenas were and I genuinely thought... Clues in the name. Clues in the name. No, honestly, Chris, please forgive us. I thought, there'll be about 10, like...
Starting point is 00:34:02 I know, there's like loads. Anyway, I... And now lamps are bigger than any... All right, and I'm going to do something about it. You don't have to do anything about it. I'm going to sort it. I'm going to charity them off, but, you know, for raffles and shit like that, I'm going to give away the lamp bulbs.
Starting point is 00:34:15 I'm going to give them away. Light bulbs. The lamps. Like the lamp shades. Oh, the lamp shades, right, not the light bulbs. And we're going to sign them. So I go. I sign all the light bulbs.
Starting point is 00:34:24 A lot of number 15 on the raffle. It's 80. Yeah. 80 LED light bulbs. Do you want a hug? No. Do you want a sorry hug? Are you going to apologise?
Starting point is 00:34:33 Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, okay. There's a cold. Say it. Say it. Sorry. It's ridiculous. Oh.
Starting point is 00:34:49 Yeah. Well, it's ridiculous. It's going better. It is ridiculous. I'm sorry. You are right. You are totally right. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:34:58 I'm just. I'm such a cheap skate. I'm such a cheap skate. It was when he asked when the show was and I said. I know. But in my head I was like, well, I bought them lamps. They're mine.
Starting point is 00:35:09 I mean, it killed us because I don't know what's happened with a backdrop. Don't sit me. Do not sit me in a meeting going, oh, right, okay. So this backdrop costs 25 grand. This is going to cost this. Because in my head I go, it's a lot of me.
Starting point is 00:35:25 I don't know. But it's part, all right, how many times have you said to me? Lady Gaga didn't make any money on her tours because she didn't because she put on such a show she spent everything that she earned on the tours. We didn't do that. She would have.
Starting point is 00:35:37 She would have. Well, more fool her. More fool her. Anyway, it's fine. It's fine. It's fine. I'm not getting anything out of the garage. I'm not going to repressurize the boilers.
Starting point is 00:35:50 I'm not moving any of that. I won't touch it. That's your bed. You fucking lie in it. Okay? Yeah. honestly what about a car boot sale a car boot seal that exclusively just sells
Starting point is 00:36:05 fucking massive lambshishish and actually I don't even know if they're in good condition they're not they're fucked are they're fucked yeah they've been all piled on top of each other in boxes they're completely fucked he might as well have delivered rubbish to our house actual rubbish it's
Starting point is 00:36:19 unbelievable it was by the way it was fucking boiling when me and him were taking them in Where did I go? You went out with your mate's on the piss. Me and him, me and this guy was sweating. I didn't think there be that much. I'm sorry.
Starting point is 00:36:38 I know I'm an idiot. I'm an idiot. No, I thought, I thought, well, yeah, look. Right? Well, look, you know, here, I can put some of the lamp, the shade things, the things. I can put some up in here and they're off, in here. Yes, I'll decorate the full thing.
Starting point is 00:36:56 Hang them from the seat, right, it's fine. Look at the screen. wide shot. It's already busy. You kind of put a lot of fucking lamp shades in here. It'll be nice. The stripes and stuff. Yeah. I'll put them up. Behind you. We'll put some on that slopey. Right. There we go. There's a couple of things. There's three inches of the box.
Starting point is 00:37:12 Oh man. I'll stop talking about. I'm going to get on. Oh, I don't know. I'm sorry. It's fine. It's just funny. It's just a funny little thing. It's just a funny little thing. Imagine I use that comeback. Chris, you're always a bloody golf. You do this. Hey, it's just a little quirky little funny thing, isn't it? Hey, hey. That's basically.
Starting point is 00:37:28 He's not taking us away from me family. Ah, there's not, we, just, we don't have a garage now. Oh, boo, fucking who? Check your privilege. Isn't someone's, not your back of our garage? Isn't someone's bath at the back of our garage? When they want that? Me, Uncle Keff's Bath.
Starting point is 00:37:41 When's he could have to climb over the lamps? All right, Kevin, you're going to need a bath after you've sweated your tits off, moving all these fucking lamps to get your bath. Babadoo, babado, babadoo, babo, bab. Two and five Canadians will hear the words, you have cancer. That's why every step, and dollar-raised matters. On September 19th,
Starting point is 00:38:03 join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk. Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer.
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Starting point is 00:38:55 It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public? Public. Public. As always, if you like to get in touch, it is shagmarydanoid at gmail.com. That's if you want to send a long form email or a story or anything like that, that would be absolutely lovely.
Starting point is 00:39:10 And if you want me to hear your voice and if you're happy for your voice to be played on the podcast, send a voice node via WhatsApp to 07-874-40-6650. Thank you in advance, your legends. Hello, Ramsey's. Hi. Long-time listener, first-time emailed. Thank you for that.
Starting point is 00:39:28 We'll love that, you know. Just send it. It's fine. The worst thing that would have happened is, would not read it out. We're not going to be like, I imagine it's quite like nerve wracking,
Starting point is 00:39:38 sending something in. It's putting yourself out there and sending something in and anything. Oh, they haven't read it out. But we'll get fucking loads of these things. Sometimes they don't get rid of. We're going backwards, though.
Starting point is 00:39:46 I know what it, we are going backwards. I don't even get started. I know what it's like, even when I just put anything on Instagram, I still get mad anxiety about putting stuff on Instagram of people being like,
Starting point is 00:39:55 this is fucking shit, but they don't. If people, they'll just not look at it. Oh, I know. I know. I'm starting out and not kidding. and just put stuff out and whatever, whatever. I'm going to start putting golf stuff out
Starting point is 00:40:05 because I want some free golf stuff. All right, okay, what you have to? Everything. Right? Like what? Clubs, clothes. You've got in old? Balls.
Starting point is 00:40:12 I want more. I want it all free. I know people who get like... Varuga. They get sent stuff. They get sent stuff for free. Yeah. sponsorship in golf.
Starting point is 00:40:32 You just, you know, basically Jimmy McGee, who I've been playing golf with says that he knows people who run a little golf podcasts and stuff. And they just get fucking paying sponsors them and send them loads of clubs
Starting point is 00:40:40 and that and I'm like, I'll have a bit of that. Just buy it yourself. No. I refuse. I refuse. I'll sell all them lamps. That'll be me.
Starting point is 00:40:48 Apology. I'm going to get rid of all them lamps. Oh, no, I'm giving it to charity. Could you be charity? Yeah. Oh, fuck it. No, come on then. Right.
Starting point is 00:41:00 No. Just buy it. stuff. I will, I will. You've got enough money. But I want... It's the kudos of getting sent it for nothing, is the cool bit.
Starting point is 00:41:09 Do you understand? You don't... You don't get it. They've got loads to give away. Come on. All right, yeah. Listen. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:41:17 Listening to the story of the guy who came home drunk and ate a full Christmas pudding. Ledge. Good, love him. I thought I'd write in to tell you of my dad's late night feast. Oh, love a late night feast.
Starting point is 00:41:27 All right. One night he came home drunk and fried himself some onion. What the fuck? I mean I love onion as much as the next person It was frying onion when they get in for a night out It's a bit intense isn't it
Starting point is 00:41:38 I told the story years ago Didn't I have my two mates Who stayed at They went back to one of their Mom and Dad's houses And the in the middle of the night They made baking sarnies Right
Starting point is 00:41:48 And they were like I'm sure I've told you this I don't know Michael and Stevie years ago Right And they went back And they made baking sarnies And they were like
Starting point is 00:41:54 What thick is out this big It was the gammon for the Sunday dinner The next day They had gammon They're fried gammon sandwiches at like one in the morning in his Mars house. I mean delicious.
Starting point is 00:42:05 Delicious. How pissed do you have to be? To be eating a gammon two bits of white bread and a fucking bit of gammon and going, thick this bacon like. What was your go-to,
Starting point is 00:42:16 pissed food? So, Matt, can I tell you mine? Pizas. Always pizzas are chips for me. But you haven't been able to go out of the takeaway. Oh, God, yeah. Well, just whatever's in. Mine was a tin of sweet corn.
Starting point is 00:42:30 Oh. Oh. Oh, that's tragic. Just a tennis sweet corn. Toast. Toast was pretty good. I stayed at my mate's house once. Bread, anything bread based.
Starting point is 00:42:40 Yeah. I stayed at my mate's house once and he was making with sausage sarnies. Right, nice. He was in Leeds. He was a student in Leeds. He went back to his and was making with sausage sandwiches. And while the sausages were cooking, I ate a full loaf of bread and butter. Dzen surprises at all.
Starting point is 00:42:54 Full loaf. So he took four slices out, two for him, two for me. And while I was waiting, I buttered and ate. rest of the loaf of bread. You're a maniac. And you won't have put on a pound either. Yeah. I'd have gone up a dress size.
Starting point is 00:43:06 If I'd ate a loaf of bread. Full, he was like, he was furious the next day. I mean, of course. Yeah. You didn't give a shit, did you? Did you give him any money for it? I think one and half of us on it. And I'd hate it all.
Starting point is 00:43:18 No, I used to, I used to get the, down street in Shields. There was a, I think it might still be there. Burger King, but it wasn't Burger King. I understand. No, it was called something like, King of Burgers. Something like that. But it wasn't, yeah.
Starting point is 00:43:32 Takeaway King. No, I'm sure it was called it was called like... Burger, on the left. It was Fowler Street on the way. I know what you mean, yeah. Yeah, anyway. It had a crown as the...
Starting point is 00:43:40 Yes. But it wasn't Burger King. It's not there anymore, isn't it? No, it was King of Burgers. Something like that. Anyway, that was my go-to-place. I used to get a beef burger with raw onion
Starting point is 00:43:50 slices and tomato ketchup. God. Not pulled then, had you? No, no. No. It was never on a pulled night. No. I wouldn't get food if I was having a pulled.
Starting point is 00:44:00 No, thank you. Of course not. I'm not doing that. Two seconds. Wait in the bedroom, I'm just eating this burger. It was, no, it was a walk home burger.
Starting point is 00:44:07 Yeah, of course. It was a walk home pissing the park burger. You're joking. So, that was my go-toe, but also what I forgot is when I would get home, sometimes soup my noodles. That was a good one.
Starting point is 00:44:15 Nice, nice, that was a good one. Quick. Right, listen, one night this bloke, this dad, he came home, drunk, and fried himself some onion, awful. Nothing else, just onion.
Starting point is 00:44:26 However, in the morning when my mother discovered had the used pan, she asked him what he made. And he replied, I just, uh, I just fried up the onion we had. I just fried up the onion that we had. Oh. That he found. It was a perplexed face on my mother, which gave the first clue something wasn't right.
Starting point is 00:44:43 We don't have any onions, she replied. Oh, God. He says, yeah, we do. They were in a bag under the sink. And that's when the realisation hit. What's he fra? She replied, they weren't onions. They were.
Starting point is 00:44:58 Dot, dot, dot. I've got a guess. You can guess if you want. I don't think you're going to get it. Were they a food? No. Oh God. What's he done?
Starting point is 00:45:11 I don't think you're going to get it. Should I tell you? I'm scared. Yeah. Don't me scared. It's not that bad. They were daffodil bulbs. He'd cut up and fried a bag full of daffodil bulbs.
Starting point is 00:45:26 It's disgusting. It serves you right for wanting fried Donnie enough as if you don't fucking stink enough. But that's disgusting. That's so horrible. Would you not die? I don't know. No, probably not.
Starting point is 00:45:40 I'll make it ill, though. They make it ill. Probably. It gets worse. And that's not the only terrible food story about my dad. My mother, this really upset is, and I don't know, it's not even that bad, but it's just like how... Some things can get you.
Starting point is 00:45:52 We know this. Stupid. My mother went out and left him instructions on how to make tea. One part was mashed potatoes. This is what my dad would have done. Right. And she'd left on the instructions, boiled potatoes already in the pan, mash. Right.
Starting point is 00:46:07 However, she left out one important part. My brother, 30 years later, still talks of the PTSD he has from being served a plate of what can only be described as a mashed potato soup. That's right. I just found out what he's done. He didn't drain the water. So he's boiled them in the water and then he's mashed them in the water. He didn't drain the water as it wasn't on the instructions. That's foul.
Starting point is 00:46:32 that's foul. So he just mashed the full lot and served it. Safe to say he's never cooked us a meal since. Why is that so upsetting? What a waste of potatoes. That's so upsetting. It's horrible. I can't even begin to think about the texture.
Starting point is 00:46:45 It must have been like, it must be like paint. Yeah. But you can't mash all the lumps out. That's impossible. No, it would have been like a watery wallpaper paste. Watery porridge. Horrible.
Starting point is 00:46:57 Oh, it's making this feel a bit sick. I know, isn't it really sad? I might get people, you know, you can remember the fish bowl. thing that I did years ago that when someone spat in the fish bowl, that this will get people. I can taste that, I can feel that, I can feel that going down the lumps and water going down my throat, that's upset.
Starting point is 00:47:11 I love mashed potato. What's your favourite kind of potato? I never have done this, but... I'm going to sound like such a posh twat. What? You know what my favourite kind of potato is. Stove and what? Hazzleback. Hassop, that's not posh. Is it not posh? What, you're fucking just cutting it on a spoon? No. Jesus, all right, that was free. It takes a bit of time.
Starting point is 00:47:29 Yeah. Well, probably decadent, but it's not posh. I like a Hassaback potato and I like a roast potato. I'm doing them for tea. Rose potatoes? You're welcome. Oh. Not a fancy hazabags? No, I haven't bought new potatoes.
Starting point is 00:47:40 Great. Nice. Tune in next week for more. Absolute shite. What's fair toady? Babadoo, babadoo, babadu. Just really quickly, men, you cannot win. You just can't win.
Starting point is 00:47:53 Right, what is this? I think we hate you. Yeah, you still, yeah. But we're still procreating and still whatever, doing stupid stuff for men. But I think deep down we'll find us. repulsive. So,
Starting point is 00:48:04 this is from a lady. Thank you for admitting it. We took our kids to an R&LI fundraise at the day. R&LI, Royal, the lifeboat thing.
Starting point is 00:48:13 Yeah. Where we got to two other lifeboats. I overheard a guy asked one of the lifeboat volunteers. Permission to come aboard. Ick.
Starting point is 00:48:27 We hate you. I love that. We hate you. I love it. I'm a do. Oh, yeah. love that. What a guy. What a guy. I'll say something like that. That's great.
Starting point is 00:48:44 Oh, there's another one here. We do hate us, right? You can't. You can't it win. Great. Okay. Hey, Rosie and Chris, long time. Listen to our first time emailer. Um, quick ick for you here. My friend has been seeing a guy for a few months and she was trying to arrange a dinner date as they tend to just head out for drinks instead. The lad said he couldn't afford it because his car was in for an MOT. That's one of the harshest ones. That's so harsh. Poor guy is paying for his MOTs so he's a bit strapped by cash
Starting point is 00:49:21 and you'd think it's an ick. How dare you? I'm laughing. The only reason I laughed is because it's so fucking brutal. So brutal. I know. Just you cannot win. These are just the worst.
Starting point is 00:49:34 Not. Really. Poor guy. This one, I fear. I fear you may relate to this with me. Okay. Okay. Because I fear that I would do this.
Starting point is 00:49:46 Hi, Chris and Rosie. This sort of ick is about my husband's bedtime routine. He likes to lie in bed watching Netflix on his phone and his earphones in while he goes to sleep. So he's little, there must be Bluetooth ones. Fine, whatever, marriage. Okay. Great. Last night, however, he decided he was feeling a little bit frisky.
Starting point is 00:50:08 So Netflix was apparently put on hold and we did the deal. He gets up, switches the lights on, and that's when I notice. He still had one e-he headphone in the entire time. Just one. One headphone in the entire time. Sitting in his year, like he was working a shift on the taxis and waiting for the next job to come through. Honestly, my vagina packed a bag. Wow.
Starting point is 00:50:38 Crawled back inside my body and I fell photos of all. I love that. I bet you should, I bet you should bollock them. Have you had that? airport in the whole time. What if he accidentally rang someone? What was he listening to? Was it still playing? He might have had the phone on the side.
Starting point is 00:50:51 He might not. But how do you not know it's still in? You would be away? No, sometimes I don't realize mine are still in. Oh, really? Sometimes I don't realize. I went to the toilet on the train once and I looked in the mirror and I went,
Starting point is 00:51:01 oh, fucking that, my AirPods are still in. I didn't realize. I've stopped using them. I've gone old school. I think you're clever. It's because they just sit on the outside of your ear, but that's funny. That's so, imaginary socks on as well.
Starting point is 00:51:12 Sox. No. Some kind of two. tool belt and one air pod and a hat. A hat? But you can leave you. I once had a sex with the guy who left his hat on. Really?
Starting point is 00:51:22 Awful. What kind of hat? Like a woolly hat. Like a smearth? It's all coming back. It's all coming back to me now. Papa smurf. Oh, Jesus.
Starting point is 00:51:44 Bad times. Oh, that's hilarious. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I read. Just watched your latest podcast on YouTube. Watched? Is this? Is this Barry Bee?
Starting point is 00:51:58 It's a character? All right. All right. Probably lives. Probably lives over the road. I live round the corner. And with Chris talking about farting reminded me of something that happened the other day
Starting point is 00:52:12 when the temperature hours were ridiculously high. I was on a bus coming home from Whitley Bay to Blythe. and the heating was on the bus for some reason none of the windows were open eventually got to my stop I was so happy but as I was getting off I could feel something rumbling
Starting point is 00:52:35 and as I was walking down the aisle to get off the bus I fought it twice now my thoughts are horrible so I got off the bus The doors closed, the bus went away With my fought still inside of it And was her bothered?
Starting point is 00:52:56 Was I foe He got me Yes Nice That was That was up there When people used to tag a trap where Oh
Starting point is 00:53:15 Do you think you thought on the bus? I don't know whether you fought on the bus But that was just a good enjoyable little story Beautiful Was I thought What's done Well done mate
Starting point is 00:53:26 Right we'll do what you want Do you want sex vape accent ick or flies up at itk sex vap immediately are you kidding you're serious hey I hope you both well we've just listened to this week's episode of the podcast and started getting flashbacks to potentially
Starting point is 00:53:43 the biggest dick I've ever had in my life so this all happened after a date with my ex-boyfriend we've gone to an Italian restaurant it was lovely so romantic I'm talking candles I'm talking wines flowing carbonara's flowing we've had a great time we carry on this lovely little Italian romantic
Starting point is 00:53:59 back to his house, back to his bedroom, you know? Key information about this bedroom. This bedroom is dark. He's got a typical man bedroom. I'm talking navy bedchutes. It's also night time, so it's dark outside, plus closing the curtains and the door. This room is pitch black. This is key information.
Starting point is 00:54:18 Very key information. You'll see why in a second. Right. Anyway, we're doing the little one, two. We're doing the deed. I am facing the wall. He is behind me. This again is very key information.
Starting point is 00:54:29 He's behind me. I can't see what he's doing. It's very dark. That's fine. I don't need to see what's going on at the end of the day. However, what I didn't need to see in the middle of sets where, you know, I'm putting in a top performance. I'm giving it a good go as it happens.
Starting point is 00:54:46 I see on the wall in front of me in the pitch black, this little blue light appears on the wall. This little blue light accompanying the blue light. is a sound that I will do an impression of in hopes that you understand what he was doing. Brilliant. Then followed by a cloud of smoke. Brilliant.
Starting point is 00:55:13 In the middle of sex, this man has picked up his fruity little vape and has started vaping. In the middle. In the middle of sex. I honestly, I didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't know if I was here or there. So I did naturally what I think anyone else was doing that situation which is stop the action
Starting point is 00:55:33 throw a strap until he got me a McFlurry. I didn't see any other way out of that situation. Let me know, what would you do if you found yourself in that situation where middle of sex, it hits his vape, it's his fruity little vape, his little black, currant-flavoured vape. Anyway, I'm not with him anymore.
Starting point is 00:55:52 I'm sure you can figure out why. Good. Bye, love you. Wow. That was a lot, on it? First of all, the first of all, the first guy who did the voice note and her, I'd love to put them in a room together.
Starting point is 00:56:04 World apart. I would just love to put them in room together. That is, that is, right, I'm telling you right now, any TV producers is listening, him and her, in a camper van, tour in America.
Starting point is 00:56:15 That's the show we're gonna make. No, do the one that on Channel 4, they win the cuff them together. All right, yeah, there we go, we'll cuff them together. Anyway, we're in a vaping epidemic. It's disgust in that, like, like, put your,
Starting point is 00:56:27 how long are you having sex for? It lit up the room. It lit up the room. The Navy bed sheet was upsetting. That's the dark boy bedroom. If our kids, I don't think I can go with that like. Do you know what I mean?
Starting point is 00:56:40 If Robin's like, I want a dark bedroom. I'd be like, no, it's not happening because you're going to put girls off. Or boys, I don't know. Do they gaze like dark bedrooms? No, no. Who knows?
Starting point is 00:56:51 But listen. So she sees the reflection of the light on the wall and then she hears the, and then. But they were together. See, I didn't know whether it was a one-night stand, because I feel like a one night stand that would be horrific
Starting point is 00:57:03 but they're a couple they're comfortable and he's just thought I'm going to vape wait till after sex apparently there's nothing better in the world than a cigarette after sex wouldn't know because I've never smoked
Starting point is 00:57:14 but I've done it before but well there we go never done it in a bed though never done it straightway I've done it on like a front doorstep classy it's all right it's quite nice
Starting point is 00:57:24 classy um hat on or off don't smoke you'll set me hat on fire. Oh, bad times. The 2000s were brutal for me.
Starting point is 00:57:37 I just love I just love being remembered how I rescued you from a life of shit. You're welcome. You did actually because I think, yeah. And what have you done to thank us?
Starting point is 00:57:48 You filled me garage with fucking crap. Yeah, I've also saved you. You are just a better, you don't talk about your one night stands on here, but I know there's been plenty. You're just better at keeping a secret than me.
Starting point is 00:58:02 What do you mean? No, I've had loads of one-nigh-stance. Yes, you did? Yeah, fucking did. Oh, I don't. I never left me hat on, though, so... You left your socks on with me one time. Do you remember?
Starting point is 00:58:15 Did her? Yeah, you did. Awful. Wow. I know, it was very early days. Really? I don't know if I've ever said that. Honestly.
Starting point is 00:58:22 I'm so sorry. Yeah. Where's my cuddle? I haven't even got any on now. Oh, you see? Good. Glad. I don't like socks.
Starting point is 00:58:29 I'd take them off to do the podcast. It was winter. It was November. Yeah, okay. Babadoo, babadoo, babadu, babadu, ba. As always, thank you so much for listening at this week's episode of Shag Maritanoid. Do you know what? It's been an absolute pleasure talking to you,
Starting point is 00:58:45 Rosemary and to you, the listener this week. Thank you so, so much. If you want to get in touch at Shag Maradinoid at gmail at gmail, to send a long form email or to send a voice note. We're loving the voice notes, by the way. Yeah, but you see now I slow this down as I get my phone out to check the number because I still don't know the number because I think you'd say it wrong. It would be terrified.
Starting point is 00:59:02 Voice note 07874-4-06650 email, shout right your auditjail.com. Chris Ramseycom to get tickets for my tour, which starts again next month all over the UK. Derby, Liverpool. Hull, pull your fucking finger out, Hull, you were wined than I wasn't there last time, and now you haven't even filled the place. I'll get you's, I'll get you's all. And that's it from me. All.
Starting point is 00:59:24 All. Love all. I love all. Bye. Bye. Two and five Canadians will hear the words you have cancer. That's why every step and dollar raised matters. On September 19th, join thousands in Toronto for the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation Walk.
Starting point is 00:59:45 Challenge yourself, friends, and family to walk 21 kilometers in support of life-saving research. Together, we can carry the fire and help create a world free from the fear of cancer. Register today at pmcfwalk.ca.ca.

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