Sh**ged Married Annoyed - A Garage-full of Beef and a Late Night Feast
Episode Date: August 21, 2026This week on the podcast, Chris has single handedly been lowering the family golf handicap (someone’s got to!) and Rosie is planning a jam packed trip to Edinburgh Fringe! Chris has a big beef with... Rosie, and they get a visitor in the studio... All this plus icks, QFTPs and voicenotes sent in by you! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch! 📧: shaggedmarriedannoyed@gmail.com 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices
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Coming up on this week's episode of Shagm Round Inouye.
It's still the school holidays.
It's still the school holidays.
Wow.
Still the school holidays.
I've been away playing golf, though.
So I'm okay.
I've had a nice time.
Catch a massive spider in the studio.
It's still in the corner.
It's huge.
It's all going on.
It's staring at us.
I have got a mega beef.
Mega beef.
And you know what you've done.
I know.
And bad, bad Rosie.
Questions from the public?
And some cracking voice notes.
Enjoy.
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Hello, you are listening and possibly watching Shagmire Denoyd
with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey.
Welcome back.
Hello, hello.
To the madness.
Yes, we're here.
Kids are still off.
Kids are still off.
Chris.
Chris.
Yeah?
Promise me now.
Next year.
We're taking on work.
Yeah.
We are taking on some jobs.
You know what it is?
No.
No.
Because the grass shows we down.
Don't you fucking dare be stopping nice.
Nevers got a new car that you want to drive at a time.
Listen.
When you join in,
when you join in, I'll stop singing.
Because you ruin it.
It's not fun.
It's funny when I do it.
It's just good when you do it.
Now listen,
there are parents out there
who will be working day and day out of this holidays
and they'll be gutted that.
I know.
The lovely hot summer with their children.
You apologise now.
You apologise to them, people.
You apologise to them.
Because, yeah, because actually you'll be watching
the clock at work thinking when can I get home
to see me darling children.
Yeah.
And it's still nice.
Hopefully we can have the barbecue on tonight.
Hopefully it'll not rain.
And I get that.
We have been lucky slash very unlucky
to have a lot of time.
We have.
So much time.
No, because both of us have a lot of stuff coming up this autumn.
Yes.
We are booked and blessed.
Yes, blooped and blessed.
People still like what.
Weird, isn't it?
After everything.
So we know that we've got a really busy autumn coming up.
You're going to be away.
I'm going to be away quite a lot also.
So we were like, listen, some are nothing.
Really regret that decision.
Yeah.
I know.
We haven't been to London.
I don't know.
Because we're going to do, please get me anonymous.
I haven't been down.
It's all coming. It's all good.
And yeah, it's, it is what it is.
It is what it is.
And I've got the two are coming up.
Chris Wamsdycommon.
See, be honest though.
We're just slaves to our children.
Yeah.
We're just slaves to our kids.
100%.
Constant.
24-7.
Really?
If I have to make another fucking cheese sandwich.
I walked in the other day from being away for a few days, right?
I went and did a gig.
Oh, well, well, coming out, Chris has had a lovely time.
Chris has, Chris has been away.
If you're watching this on YouTube, I'm smiling.
Chris has been away a lot.
Well, it was work.
It was work.
I went away on Saturday night.
Could have come home straight after work, but you didn't.
But then I had it.
Right.
Again, it was work on Saturday night.
It was a gig.
Big thank you to everyone in Herafad who came.
Did you know, it was in a circus tent?
Was it good?
Literally, we haven't spoke with each other.
It was phenomenal.
Thank you to everyone who came at the gig in Harrah.
Do you know what was hilarious?
So Russell Howard did it the night before me.
Right.
So it was like a two-night comedy festival thing.
So Russell did it at the night.
And I got there and everyone was like,
it's much cool at the night.
This is so much better that it's cooler
because Russell last night.
it had to push the show back an hour
because it was 40 degrees in the tent
Oh, you wouldn't have hoped well.
Well, well.
Oh, no.
Oh, you did collapse on stage.
But listen to how ridiculous is the pushback.
It was probably still boiling hot, but listen to this, right?
This is how ridiculous this is.
It was in the big top tent in the car park
of Heref had court theatre, right?
So they told me this whole story about how
it was far too hot and muscle carted to do it push it right hour.
And then they went, only will go to your dressing room.
Do you what my dressing room was?
The main thing,
theatre the main air-conditioned theatre in the venue was me dressing room I hate everyone
I was like I was just how many what's it was it was it's gonna do two I think that I had to do two
in that main theatre but you could have just done two one-hour shows in the air-conditioned theatre
rather than put everyone in a 40 to reject but hey I told them on stage I was like I was like I was
like you are sitting in this twit it was quite hot I was like you're sitting in this 10 sweat
and I was like I've just got ready in the air-condition theatre I was like that's like having a
shit in a bucket outside of your bathroom door.
Ridiculous, yeah, it is.
It was very funny.
It was very funny.
But we're British and we're quirky.
It was a tent. It was really good fun.
And we don't think.
We never thought we're going to have this summer.
We didn't, of course we didn't.
Of course we didn't.
And the last time I did a gig in a tent like that,
I don't know if anyone listening remembers.
It was Norwich.
I drove all the way down to Norwich.
MC went on, did great.
Open I went on, did great.
Middilack went on, did great.
Interval, Thunder and Lightning.
Had to cancel the game.
I remember that.
I came straight home.
I remember that.
Devastated.
Did you get paid?
Yeah.
Yeah, nice.
And then, and then I did stay away for an extra night, Rosie,
but I, again, I am the only one in this family
trying to lower our collective golf handicap as a family.
No one else has helping with this,
so I had to go to the belfry
and I had to play golf for two days
just to get, like, this family, man.
I know, so out there.
I just need to get it down.
Well, that's fine.
I'm going to the fringe this weekend.
You are, you excited.
And I'm very excited about it.
Very good.
I'm really looking forward to it.
genuinely what started as a bit of a loner expedition of me
just sort of being like I'm gonna go at the fringe
and what's sad is that everyone's like
well as Chris come up I'm like no I'm not going with Chris
not going with you
wasn't about it wasn't about it no I'm going on my own
but I've like I've got loads of friends there
and I'm just gonna mill you're in industry
fucking mill about you're going to mingle
I'm going to mingle my tits off get in
and yeah I'm very little part of it so
so if you're walking around Edinburgh this weekend
and you see your pay of tits on the floor
Rosie's mingled too much
and the tits have actually fell off
They've actually fell off
I'm gonna have to be careful though
because I don't want to be drunk
Right
Don't want to be drunk
In Edinburgh on my own
You'll be drunk
Well, I think of
Once you and John McNally get on it
There's a couple of absolute
Raifs and Strais
Horrible.
Rafe and Strais
Is that it?
Wafs and Strais.
I've got a kick-all
Rafeonk
might be mine
I'm a good dad
But I'm also
meeting up with Stevie Martin
and she does also
enjoy it
She drinks a dirt
Have you ever had a dirty
Martini?
Is that just a
Borghumed
Dusting?
when they haven't watched the glass.
No, it's a martini,
which is just straight vodka, I think,
or gin, maybe straight gin,
and I like gin,
with, like, olive brine.
And I love olives,
but honestly, it's the most disgusting thing
I've ever had.
That's the worst thing I've ever had.
Because we were out,
well, I told you this, man, we were out in London.
Olive brine.
Like the brine.
So if you have an extra dirty martini,
you're just having more of the olive brine.
Gross.
Fucking disgusting.
Horrible.
And I, when she was,
drinking it, I just thought, oh my God, I need to try
one of these. I've never had one.
We've spoke about this before.
Sure we are. In the north,
you don't really go to the all-bar
one and ask for a dirty martini. I think
they'd probably spit on you. But anyway.
That's a really, with the spitting it,
that's a dirty, dirty, dirty martini. It's actually
called a filthy martini. Right. That's what
you need. Yeah. It's filthy martini.
Dirty martini's the olive brine. Filthy martini
is a spit in it. Rancid martini
the piss in it.
What's the come? Sexy martini.
Sexy martini.
They're coming in it.
Right.
Yeah, yeah.
Like, well, yeah.
Murder martini,
they put blood in.
Yeah.
You know I love a franchise.
Should we start a like a can,
a can drinks good.
What are the shitty martini?
No, let me come up with something.
Well, that could be dirty.
Not the shit in it.
Yes, I know, but you wouldn't,
that's so on the nose.
A shitty martini.
Come up with something better than that.
Okay, sorry.
Natby martini.
Earthy Martini.
Back to basics.
Anyway, I try.
tried I drink and it was disgusting.
I thought, I'm never drinking one of them ever again.
There it is.
So that's what she drinks.
And yeah, we're going to see Fatia.
Yes.
My maid, Kelly's on.
I'm going to see Kelly.
We're going to drink.
My manager Lee's there.
Robin O'Brien's there who did our TV stuff.
All of the team from the podcast are there.
I can't wait.
I'm not going.
If anything, there's too many people to catch up with.
Buzz and I'm not going.
Really lovely to not be invited.
Great.
What was I going to say?
Yes, actually, let's crack the fuck on.
Guys, thank you so much for being here.
Thank you so much for listening.
Thank you so much for watching.
Ooh, exciting news.
If you are watching,
YouTube are changing the way to count the views now.
It counts straight from the beginning.
So honestly,
fucking turn off now.
Oh, got your view.
Fuck off.
Go fuck off.
Go fuck off.
Don't.
Put a wash on, you lazy bitch.
Just leave on the background.
Yeah, so thank you so much.
No, I'm sorry.
No, good.
Yeah, we're joking.
Stay.
Stay now.
So thank you very much.
And subscribe on your podcast shops and all that will be lovely.
Thank you.
And without further ado,
And it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor.
Now, I'm bringing a sponsor from back in the day.
Back in day.
Back in day.
Back in olden days.
Can you remember this week's sponsor is school?
Can you remember when your kids went to school?
No.
Can you remember school?
What used to happen was, right?
You used to get up in the morning.
You'd get them some breakfast.
You'd put on, it was called it, uniform.
Sorry?
Una, una form.
No, no, no, no.
I'll have to Google it, hold on, was it?
It's just shirt and shorts.
Uniform.
Sorry, apologies everyone's pronounced uniform.
So you'd put that on your children
and then you would take them in the car to school.
Right.
You would...
The school trip.
None of this is the mental bit.
This is the mental bit, right?
You would leave them there
and you'd come back on your own.
They'd go into this building for the day, like eight hours,
and you'd come back home on your own.
Did they get dinner?
They get fed there.
They get entertained there.
They get taught stuff.
Rosie, you used to pay.
pick them up, you'll not believe this,
like 3 o'clock, 4 o'clock in the afternoon.
You would have, if you had a day off,
you would have a full day without them,
then you'd go and pick them up and your tea at the moment,
give them their tea and stuff at home.
Isn't that amazing?
How do you find out about what age do they go?
I don't think it's the thing anymore.
I haven't heard about it.
It feels like 15 years easily.
I don't think they do it anymore.
But they used to.
Right.
It was good back in the day.
When that comes back around, I would love hours to go.
I doubt it will.
I doubt it will.
It's never happened by ages.
That's ridiculous.
over here. Thank you for playing along.
Are you welcome?
Sometimes you know, I know you get annoyed by us but sometimes you play along and it really
really makes us happy.
No, I miss school.
They've had a lovely time but it's time.
Do I keep saying to Robin?
I think I said it last week. I keep saying it or I got him again yesterday.
I went back to school on Monday.
What?
That's a week after.
I just do you know what it is as well, right?
Let's be real here for a minute.
Yeah.
Because on last week's podcast I called us working class.
We are not working class anymore.
Me and you live a very different life to when we were younger.
Right?
We can't bullshit.
We've got a good podcast.
You go on to us.
You sell out.
We've earned a lot more money
than we ever had as children.
Well, lives have changed.
Well, lives have changed massively.
Thanks everyone, by the way.
Cheers.
We're so welcome, honestly.
But I am finding,
we can afford it,
but I'm finding these school holidays
expensive.
Horrible.
Harder.
Mad expensive.
But we're in a world
where we can afford it.
So actually, you know, that's fine.
But I'm so aware
that I, obviously,
we still live at home,
A horrible friends have very normal jobs.
How the hell is everybody...
How you're meant to have all of these activities and all these things?
Well, you can't.
Yeah.
And again, again, I know I say this to people all the time.
I'm guilty of it myself.
Do not look at Instagram and think you're the only one not taking your kids on all these ridiculous days out.
You're not.
You're not.
People just, they're showing off.
That's all it is.
That's all it is.
It's all it is.
But I just find...
I just think I love time off with my kids and I think it's really precious.
But let, can we, can we like...
The government...
Can you just spread it out?
Let's have more...
Do you know when would be a lovely time to have more time?
Christmas.
Do you reckon?
Well, I just think before Christmas,
the build-up to Christmas,
let's have a week there.
So then you're down to five weeks, right?
You do all your things,
you can do your Santa visits,
your grottoes and all that.
Spring.
Let's have another week in spring.
And then, so you doubt,
I think four weeks summer holidays would be perfect.
Raves have got out to read.
Well, I know.
I don't think he fully has.
He went through a book.
Claims he has.
He's full of shit, but he claims he has.
But I just think,
let's shorten the summer.
holidays it would be easier for people to get child care it would be easy it would be less
expensive so you could spread it out across the year however however for people who do
go on holiday then you've got for only four weeks that you can go abroad no because you
could go in the spring uh okay oh do you know can I just see though they're looking on
Instagram so it happens with golf you literally you look on Instagram and you look at anyone
who puts photos of golf and you go they're always playing they're not they probably played once
and they put the photos on I know it's fucking ridiculous I hope he's all right because I just
think it's just the world's gone mad.
Yeah, it can be a lot.
You go to the cinema trips.
Oh God!
When the four of us go, it's disgusting.
I know.
Disgusting the cinema.
I know.
Honestly, take you own sandwiches.
Take your own christian sandwiches.
Fuck them.
We had to fight about the jingle, jing-go.
We couldn't settle on a jingo, jing-go.
So this is the jingo-d-d-d-d-d-go.
We hope you like the jing-go-d-d-d-ch-gong.
Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba.
Jingo!
Hello and welcome back to this week's episode
of Shagged, Married and Lloyd.
Hello, hello.
Now, just one more little point on the gig
that I went and did the other day.
In the tent.
First of all, it was like,
I haven't thought about my material for this tour
that I'm on at the minute, this stand-up tour.
I haven't thought about it since my last gig
that I did in Swansea in May at the end of the tour.
And I was like, I've got this gig in Herofad.
I was like, I need to remember the show.
And I was panicking.
And I just want to thank you.
you because you handled it in a very good way.
Normally I like to be indulged when I'm having me anxieties.
I've only got two children.
I don't need another one.
You don't know.
You should get that tattooed on you.
You say it that often.
I said to you, oh, Rosie, I don't, how am I going to remember me?
Sure.
And you, to credit me it, you went, I'm not doing this.
You went, I'm not doing this.
You'll remember it.
You always remember it.
Shut up about it.
It's been 10 years.
And I went, okay.
You do it every, every two.
Fair enough.
And I did, I remember,
I listened to it once in the car,
the recording from Swansea,
and I remembered it, and I did it,
and it was fine.
So thank you.
Thank you for not indulging us,
and thank you for doing that,
and I appreciate it.
You're welcome.
I mean, there was part of us,
I thought,
fucking hell if he doesn't.
And I'd,
when I texted on the night,
said, I remembered it,
and you were like,
I fucking knew you would,
so yeah.
So there we go.
Because it doesn't go,
it's like,
there was some bit,
it's so odd.
There was some bits,
I started the story,
and in my brain,
I went,
where am I going with this?
Yeah.
And I just kept talking
and it just fell out my mouth muscle memory.
If you put on,
what's it?
I remember when rock was young.
I could do the crocodile rock for you.
Right.
That I learned at Pontons
when I was 18.
And it would just fall out your mouth.
Yeah.
I remember when rock was young.
Me and Susie had so much fun
holding hands and skimming stones.
Na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na-na.
It's called the crocodile rock.
It was a damn.
No, no.
So you remember that.
Right, so...
I never knew me a better time, but I guess I did you ever will.
Cards on the table, yeah.
Anyone come up to see...
No, no, no.
Stop there.
Anyone come up to see my stand-up?
I actually remember it word for word.
There's not a part...
I didn't sing it.
I just did the dance.
Great.
There's not a part where I go,
Hey, so the other day...
Fell over.
I thought, hey, and that was just the teachers.
No, I will.
I will succinctly say every single
words I don't worry about
Susie Warher
Dretty of Thailand
Tit. Right
So I did that
I went to the
I went and did the gig
And then like stop
She's got to finish it
Fucking Christ
It was horrible
I'm terrible
I'm ill I'm ill
I went with my friend Jimmy
comedian
Jimmy McGee comedian
Is he Scottish
He's got any Scottish in him
Yes originally
Jimmy McGee
Yeah
So we went and play
The Belfy
Which was amazing
And he
A couple of things.
He reminded us of the worst gig I ever had in my life
that I don't think I've ever told you about.
I don't have ever told you about this.
So I finished, talking about Edinburgh,
I finished my gig in the Edinburgh Fringe.
I finished, I think I think I must have finished
about half past nine at night.
And I was like, right, she'd go for curry.
And Jimmy was like, yeah.
So we went to a curry house.
What time, what part of your career was this?
Was this nine people in the audience
or was this the pleasant?
How dare you?
Well, yeah, you've been there.
I'd never deny people in the audience.
How many was the least?
How day?
10.
Oh.
10 minimum.
Nine.
That's a slap in the face.
How fucking did.
Are we counting stuff?
No.
Okay, fair enough.
Yeah, I've done nine.
Was it horrible?
Yeah, tough.
Yeah.
Tough.
It's good though.
Like, I think that teaches you a lot.
Character building.
It is character building.
But yeah, so we went for a couple of things.
Curry, right? And I sat down, a couple of pints, start as Popadoms, Mainz, I finished a madrasse.
It must have been quarter to 11. And my phone rang. And someone said, Chris, and I went, yeah, they
went, where are you? And I went, what? And they went, you're hosting late and live. And I went,
tonight. I thought it was tomorrow. I went, no, it's tonight. I went, what a God. And I just put
some money on the table. And I stood up and full of chicken madras beer, onion bodgy, popadom.
with a bag on
I...
Not a bag.
You know I hate bags?
I full sprinted.
Full sprinted across Edinburgh
to the Gilded Balloon
which is about a five minute sprint
to 10 minute walk
and I ran on stage
and did it late in life
and it was the worst gig of my life
it was the worst gig
I've ever ever done to me
I thought I was going to be sick
for the entire way
I was sweating I was burping
it was disgusting
so and were you not at the level
where like
because I feel like
if you would do that now,
you're kind of at the level
where you could get away with it
and you'd be like...
I would tell them.
I would totally forgot about this.
I would walk on stage.
I would go,
you've got no,
I have just finished a curry
a mile away
and the phone doesn't like
do this and I'll be like,
get us a chair,
I'm going to be sitting
and I would make a thing of it
and I would tell everyone about it.
Were you signed then?
Yeah, yeah, I was with Avalon
but I didn't have the chops to me.
I just had to go on and just do me bit.
I just had a routine.
God, it was awful.
Oh, God.
It was awful.
No, you've never ever told me that.
I remember who the first act was.
You know, as the comp, as the host, it's your job to warm them up.
They were clay cold when that poor first act went on.
So whoever that first act was, I'm really sorry.
It was awful.
Oh, mate, we've all done it.
Imagine jumping on a treadmill after a curry for five minutes and then doing a show.
Awful.
I've had other experiences.
My tits used to come out a lot.
Yeah, but that's just, you know, giving everyone a bit more for their money, you know?
That is true.
There it is.
Yeah.
There it is.
Babadoo, babadoo, babo, babo.
This episode is sponsored by TV licensing.
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It would kill me.
I think that every episode.
Yeah, how do you do this job?
They hold it together really, really well.
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Now, I tell you what else is back,
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buzz on that is back this summer. Animal Park, marking 25 years of Ben Fogel and Cade Humble
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It's so, I just, like, don't get us wrong. I love your sort of Attenborough nature things and
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I don't know, like a little cozy little zoo. It's like the day-to-day running of the place.
Yeah. It's just a really a good show for all the family.
on IPlayer to watch whenever
and you can just stick it on when the kids are in
and it's just a nice...
Is it a bit of nostalgia as well for you?
Oh, it's a huge nostalgia for me. I love it.
I mean, it's been running for 25 years.
It's a heck of a show.
And longly, it's a fab place.
Brilliant.
Kids love anything like that with animals and stuff.
Oh, so do I.
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join thousands in Toronto for
the Princess Margaret Cancer Foundation
Walk. Challenge yourself,
friends and family to walk 21
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Babadoo, babadoo, babadu, babo, ba.
So, this is another thing as well.
I mean, so in our, in our accent,
stuff sometimes really, really funny
in our accent. It's funnier in our accent.
Some stuff in a posh accent is funnier
than our accent. So I was playing,
Jimmy's quite a posh boy.
We've talked about, guys, we've talked about Jimmy before.
He's the guy who empties his WhatsApp,
delete all of his WhatsApp messages
to clean all his inbox out
and never has messages in his inbox,
like a psychopath.
It's just got a very different life to us.
He's got time on his hands.
He's got a time on his hands.
No kids, a bit of money.
He tells me sometimes he was,
he was sitting in our house yet because he stayed at ours.
He was having a cup of tea and a cup of coffee
and the kids were running crazy
and I went, is this a bit mad for you?
And he went, yeah, he went,
I'm normally just sitting with my own thoughts in my chair
and I'll just finish the papers.
He went, I'll just have a pile of papers
and I'll just finish them all.
Did he hate it really?
He looked on edge.
He looked on edge while our children were just screaming and running around and just going mental.
He didn't look comfortable.
No.
He didn't look comfortable.
No, I'll give you honest with you.
Oh, I've had him a croissant.
No, he had the quasson, yeah.
Oh, did he?
But yeah, he was just there.
It was a little bit like how I would...
It's a little bit like how I would sit if I was in a cafe and I thought a fight was about to kick off.
Okay.
That's kind of how he was sitting.
Oh.
I don't want to alarm you
put the size of that spider in the corner
Oh, holy shit
That is fucking gigantic
Is it dead?
It just moved
Oh by the way, I've seen a spider
I was watering the plants at the front of the house the other day
And there's like, the front of the house is like a Victorian
So there's like that old school like air vent thing
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah
Oh God
This spider crawled into it
Yeah
In and out of it a couple of times
Massive
Just a little bit smaller
Like probably the, you know, my bed,
palm bit in my hand.
Yeah, yeah.
Like that.
Yeah.
And you know when you like,
you're like, you're cheeky little shit.
No, like that's my house.
And you're just like, in and out.
And I'm gonna, I'm gonna see you later.
That might be it.
And be devastated.
You never know.
Yeah.
I think, no, it was bigger than that.
Really?
Yeah, it was bigger.
But I was, and it was just like, in and out.
Like, what?
I was like, I'm fine.
I'm really sorry.
I'm gonna have to put a pint glass over this spider.
I think it's dead.
It's not dead.
If I'm watching this,
me hebbin, heaven pine glass from the sitcom I did
when I was 12.
Right.
This guy's big, like...
Oh, my God.
Oh my God.
Oh my God.
Nah.
Nah.
Nah.
You're going to put a pipe glass out with it.
You just watch the show from over there, mate.
Shall I get him and show everyone?
Yeah.
I might as...
Right, if you're watching on YouTube, you can have a look.
We've been doing this for seven years now, so...
Listen, this is where we're at.
We're showing you this by it.
Oh, gee.
Jesus Christ.
He had a big old boy him like.
No, go to that one then.
Oh, hello.
Any Australians watching?
Obviously, that's not big.
It's tiny.
Yeah.
Don't, please, please put it somewhere else.
Oh, yeah.
I put it the wrong way.
Hello.
All right, yeah.
Let's watch.
If you hear some screaming, by the way, everyone,
it's bench pressed the glass off and came forward.
so I was playing a like I say
I was playing golf with Jimmy
there was one hole
where
oh god by the way
sorry everybody
no I'm not talking about golf
good because it's horrible
great
and you're gonna lose with listeners
I'm not man I'm not talking about
if you let's get to it
nobody likes golf
it's not about golf
sad lonely men
it's not offensive
I don't care
this is worse
this is worse
can remember that time
you said that
I played at nine people
this is worse than that
um
There was this...
Ick, by the way, when you and Jimmy got in from golf
and you went, she was sok with clubs.
Oh, God.
Two handsome men in my house.
What am I handsome?
You're handsome?
Oh, thank you.
Do you not think you're handsome?
I do you think I'd marry a minger?
Great.
Yeah, just ick of the century.
Go on.
Well, you have to clean the clubs afterwards
because we're going on the golf simulator
and it'll do you the screen.
Awful.
She went.
Soot were clubs.
Mast.
The correct name is
Mast your clubs.
So you masked them.
So there was this one hole,
there was a power lines
over the top of it
and there were literally
I've never been that close
to power lines.
There's loads of massive pylons
and there were,
and like I said,
20 minutes ago when I started this story,
there's some things that are funnier
and a posh accent that are not.
Right.
And I went, God,
I went, should I build to hear them?
I went, that's horrible that.
And he went,
yes, it's quite disconcerting,
isn't it?
And he paused for a second.
He went,
this is how I,
This is how episodes of casualty used to start.
You're so fucking right.
Oh, do you know what I've just remembered?
Two brooks in a field, puts the metal stick in the air.
Yeah. That is an episode.
Do you know what you were to use twice?
Which I haven't heard for.
Donkeys.
Trite.
Trite.
God, I thought, oh.
Do you think I...
I'm bringing that back.
Do you think we should tell the estate he's already slept over and say if it's put the pot
property price of?
Might have.
Trite.
And I can't remember what context you use it in.
but it was the right one.
Yeah.
Yeah, and I thought,
oh, I'm bringing trite back.
Wasn't that these pants are a bit trite?
No, it was definitely like...
It was trite.
Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.
It's time for, what's your bee!
What's your beep!
What's your beep!
What's your beef, what you be?
Beef, beef.
Okay, so, I've been away.
I've been a delight.
You couldn't possibly have any kind of beef with me.
Do you know what?
I know what your beef is going to be this week.
Yes, you do.
And I'm going to be quiet.
And I haven't got one this week
And I'm going to take it
I'm going to take it
Like a hua
Okay
And I'm just
Because you're right
Because you're right
You're right
This is good
Right stop
You're right
Listen everyone
Yeah
We did a tour
Podcast tour
The second one we did
We had a big wall
I'm talking
80 feet of lamps
Fake wooden fronted lamps
And lamp shades
Either side of the screen
We had
All kinds of different stuff
We had a big, a big, the blob costume that you were in.
Cost four grand.
Yeah, again, a business expense.
Part of the tour comes off the back end.
Came on my bank.
So then we didn't.
Since the tour ended two years ago,
Rosie has been in a constant battle
with the people who are storing it.
So they stored all of that stuff.
The people who work for our management have said,
look, this stuff is still in storage,
what are to do with it?
I said, get rid of it.
It's costing £60 a month, which was upsetting.
I said, get rid of it.
Rosie said, no, keep in storage, no, no, get rid of it.
Honestly, Rosie, pointless, get rid of it.
Waited ages, what you just want to do again?
Get rid of it. No, keep it, like, get rid of it.
Rosie gives in and finally, no, get it sent up to us.
I said, don't get it sent up to us.
Please don't get it sent up to us.
Just get rid of it.
Just said, no, get it sent up to us.
Get it sorted without me knowing, right?
I'm not even on the email chain.
Get spooked to come up to us.
You go out for the day.
That was the best bit.
That was the best bit.
Chris, there's a delivery coming.
I'm thinking ASOS or some shit as usual.
Oh no, no. Oh no.
You know the war buttons lorries you see on the motorways, guys.
Fucking bigger than that.
Bigger than that pulls up outside.
I'm telling you, pulls up outside.
This absolutely cool as fuck, South African or Australian,
couldn't be tell by his accent.
Serfery looking guy.
Racist.
Brilliant.
Racist and a dick.
So fucking sound.
He jumped out.
I went, ah, I went, you're all right, mate.
He was like, well, that's a lovely dad.
sun is shining.
So, of course I'm all right.
I was like, nice one.
This guy is so positive.
I was like, this guy's great.
He opened the back of the lorry.
He went, alright, there's not much.
Open the back of the lorry.
I'm telling you now, right?
Eight, the best way to describe this,
eight family-sized wheelie bins on wheels.
Big wooden crates the size of them.
Big, if you've got a family of six
and you get the big fat wheelie bin.
Like the Biff has?
Aye, eight of them, right?
Maybe 10.
I can't remember.
It was a blur at the back of his thing.
He goes, that's not there.
I'm actually, it's just this.
Halfie's fucking lorry full.
I went, you're joking.
I went, all of them.
Yeah, yeah.
I'll give you a hand, though.
I went, okay.
Open the gate.
Gravel drive, by the way.
So me and this guy are basically lifted
and pull them along the drive.
I open the garage and we put them in the garage.
And we, halfway through,
we've half filled that garage.
That garage is fucked, right?
And I'm getting more and more angry.
So it's not all there?
No, it's all there,
but it was half filled,
half way. Come on, maths. Half filled halfway.
So the rest rate, we'll fill the rest.
And we put them in and he's like, what is all this
anyway? I went, and I'm like,
he was the most positive man and by the end, I warmed
down, right? He went, I'm glad
I wasn't there to say that. Yeah, he went, what is
all this? No, I was fine. I gave him money at the end.
I gave him a tip, he was buzzing. He gives us a hug.
But I think it's just because he saw how upset I was.
He genuinely, he gives a hug. He gives a hug. He gives a hug
at the end, yeah, yeah. Because I give him, like,
I give him a few quid, like, I was like,
I got you said a drink.
Oh, nice.
Okay.
He's like, oh, man, give us a hug.
But it was mainly because you could see how upset it was,
because I kept going,
and he got more down off his lorry.
And I went, it's all right, mate, come on.
And he went, uh, what is all this?
I went, oh, it's for a show, for like an arena show.
He went, oh, great.
When's the show?
I went, two years ago.
He went, fucking what?
I went, yeah, two years ago.
He went, well, what?
I went, this is all, it's all going to go in here.
I went, and in six months time,
I'm going to have to take it all at the 10.
I went, that's what it is.
I'm not going to fit.
We moved loads of stuff from the garage.
We pushed it to the back.
Do you know what I mean fucking light bulbs are in there?
I know.
There's a box of about 80 light bulbs
and we'll put them on.
We got them right at the front.
By the end, he was just as sad as me
until I gave him that money.
Then he gave us a hug.
And I text you a photo of the packed garage
and what did you reply?
Oh.
Oh.
Admit you're wrong.
I haven't said anything.
Good.
Yeah, totally wrong.
I forgot.
how big an arena.
In my defence,
please may I have a little bit of a defence?
No.
Please, your honour.
Who is, Your Honour?
Your honour, please may I stake my case?
Please, bring the spider up, I'll say it to him.
Oh, I was just about to say,
do what makes us feel bad at?
No, I'm not eating a spider, no.
Why did you go to eating it?
What are you talking about?
Can I just throw that?
I'm not shagging a spider.
You have to shag the spider out after film it.
Can I throw the spider at you?
No, no, no.
That made you feel, I'd be, I'd be, I would die.
No, I would die.
I would die.
Please don't throw the spider around.
Okay.
In my defence,
when we did that arena tour,
Raph was six months old.
Genuinely, I was post-partum.
That was the first one.
He was a year old.
Still, you're still fucked after,
you're telling me, you're not fucked.
It takes five years for you to get back
to any sort of normality
as a woman after our children, right?
I was fucked.
Blur.
Blur.
Well done everyone who came if you enjoyed it.
Like, I don't fucking know how,
because I was a mess, right?
and I forgot how big the arenas were
and I genuinely thought...
Clues in the name.
Clues in the name.
No, honestly, Chris, please forgive us.
I thought, there'll be about 10, like...
I know, there's like loads.
Anyway, I...
And now lamps are bigger than any...
All right, and I'm going to do something about it.
You don't have to do anything about it.
I'm going to sort it.
I'm going to charity them off, but, you know,
for raffles and shit like that, I'm going to give away the lamp bulbs.
I'm going to give them away.
Light bulbs.
The lamps.
Like the lamp shades.
Oh, the lamp shades, right, not the light bulbs.
And we're going to sign them.
So I go.
I sign all the light bulbs.
A lot of number 15 on the raffle.
It's 80.
Yeah.
80 LED light bulbs.
Do you want a hug?
No.
Do you want a sorry hug?
Are you going to apologise?
Oh, I'm sorry.
Oh, okay.
There's a cold.
Say it.
Say it.
Sorry.
It's ridiculous.
Oh.
Yeah.
Well, it's ridiculous.
It's going better.
It is ridiculous.
I'm sorry.
You are right.
You are totally right.
Yeah.
I'm just.
I'm such a cheap skate.
I'm such a cheap skate.
It was when he asked when the show was and I said.
I know.
But in my head I was like,
well, I bought them lamps.
They're mine.
I mean, it killed us because I don't know what's happened with a backdrop.
Don't sit me.
Do not sit me in a meeting going,
oh, right, okay.
So this backdrop costs 25 grand.
This is going to cost this.
Because in my head I go,
it's a lot of me.
I don't know.
But it's part, all right,
how many times have you said to me?
Lady Gaga didn't make any money on her tours
because she didn't because she put on such a show
she spent everything that she earned on the tours.
We didn't do that.
She would have.
She would have.
Well, more fool her.
More fool her.
Anyway, it's fine.
It's fine.
It's fine.
I'm not getting anything out of the garage.
I'm not going to repressurize the boilers.
I'm not moving any of that.
I won't touch it.
That's your bed.
You fucking lie in it.
Okay?
Yeah.
honestly what about a car boot sale
a car boot seal that exclusively just sells
fucking massive lambshishish
and actually I don't even know if they're in good condition
they're not they're fucked
are they're fucked yeah they've been all piled on top of each other in boxes
they're completely fucked he might as well have delivered
rubbish to our house
actual rubbish
it's
unbelievable
it was
by the way it was fucking boiling when me and him were taking them in
Where did I go?
You went out with your mate's on the piss.
Me and him, me and this guy was sweating.
I didn't think there be that much.
I'm sorry.
I know I'm an idiot.
I'm an idiot.
No, I thought, I thought, well, yeah, look.
Right?
Well, look, you know, here, I can put some of the lamp,
the shade things, the things.
I can put some up in here and they're off, in here.
Yes, I'll decorate the full thing.
Hang them from the seat, right, it's fine.
Look at the screen.
wide shot. It's already busy. You kind of put a lot of
fucking lamp shades in here. It'll be nice. The stripes and stuff.
Yeah. I'll put them up. Behind you. We'll put
some on that slopey. Right.
There we go. There's a couple of things.
There's three inches of the box.
Oh man. I'll stop talking about. I'm going to get on.
Oh, I don't know. I'm sorry. It's fine. It's just
funny. It's just a funny little thing.
It's just a funny little thing.
Imagine I use that comeback.
Chris, you're always a bloody golf. You do this. Hey,
it's just a little quirky little funny thing, isn't it?
Hey, hey. That's basically.
He's not taking us away from me family.
Ah, there's not, we, just, we don't have a garage now.
Oh, boo, fucking who?
Check your privilege.
Isn't someone's, not your back of our garage?
Isn't someone's bath at the back of our garage?
When they want that?
Me, Uncle Keff's Bath.
When's he could have to climb over the lamps?
All right, Kevin, you're going to need a bath after you've sweated your tits off,
moving all these fucking lamps to get your bath.
Babadoo, babado, babadoo, babo, bab.
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It's time for questions from the public.
Questions from the public?
Public. Public.
As always, if you like to get in touch,
it is shagmarydanoid at gmail.com.
That's if you want to send a long form email
or a story or anything like that,
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Thank you in advance, your legends.
Hello, Ramsey's.
Hi.
Long-time listener, first-time emailed.
Thank you for that.
We'll love that, you know.
Just send it.
It's fine.
The worst thing that would have happened is,
would not read it out.
We're not going to be like,
I imagine it's quite like
nerve wracking,
sending something in.
It's putting yourself out there
and sending something in and anything.
Oh,
they haven't read it out.
But we'll get fucking loads of these things.
Sometimes they don't get rid of.
We're going backwards, though.
I know what it,
we are going backwards.
I don't even get started.
I know what it's like,
even when I just put anything on Instagram,
I still get mad anxiety
about putting stuff on Instagram
of people being like,
this is fucking shit,
but they don't.
If people, they'll just not look at it.
Oh, I know.
I know. I'm starting out
and not kidding.
and just put stuff out and whatever, whatever.
I'm going to start putting golf stuff out
because I want some free golf stuff.
All right, okay, what you have to?
Everything.
Right?
Like what?
Clubs, clothes.
You've got in old?
Balls.
I want more.
I want it all free.
I know people who get like...
Varuga.
They get sent stuff.
They get sent stuff for free.
Yeah.
sponsorship in golf.
You just, you know,
basically Jimmy McGee,
who I've been playing golf
with says that he knows people
who run a little golf podcasts and stuff.
And they just get fucking
paying sponsors them
and send them loads of clubs
and that and I'm like,
I'll have a bit of that.
Just buy it yourself.
No.
I refuse.
I refuse.
I'll sell all them lamps.
That'll be me.
Apology.
I'm going to get rid of all them lamps.
Oh, no, I'm giving it to charity.
Could you be charity?
Yeah.
Oh, fuck it.
No, come on then.
Right.
No.
Just buy it.
stuff.
I will, I will.
You've got enough money.
But I want...
It's the kudos of getting sent it for nothing,
is the cool bit.
Do you understand?
You don't...
You don't get it.
They've got loads to give away.
Come on.
All right, yeah.
Listen.
Yeah.
Listening to the story
of the guy who came home drunk
and ate a full Christmas pudding.
Ledge.
Good, love him.
I thought I'd write in
to tell you of my dad's late night feast.
Oh, love a late night feast.
All right.
One night he came home drunk
and fried himself some onion.
What the fuck?
I mean I love onion
as much as the next person
It was frying onion when they get in for a night out
It's a bit intense isn't it
I told the story years ago
Didn't I have my two mates
Who stayed at
They went back to one of their
Mom and Dad's houses
And the in the middle of the night
They made baking sarnies
Right
And they were like
I'm sure I've told you this
I don't know
Michael and Stevie years ago
Right
And they went back
And they made baking sarnies
And they were like
What thick is out this big
It was the gammon for the Sunday dinner
The next day
They had gammon
They're fried gammon sandwiches
at like one in the morning
in his Mars house.
I mean delicious.
Delicious.
How pissed do you have to be?
To be eating a gammon
two bits of white bread
and a fucking bit of gammon
and going,
thick this bacon like.
What was your go-to,
pissed food?
So, Matt, can I tell you mine?
Pizas.
Always pizzas are chips for me.
But you haven't been able to go out of the takeaway.
Oh, God, yeah.
Well, just whatever's in.
Mine was a tin of sweet corn.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, that's tragic.
Just a tennis sweet corn.
Toast.
Toast was pretty good.
I stayed at my mate's house once.
Bread, anything bread based.
Yeah.
I stayed at my mate's house once and he was making with sausage sarnies.
Right, nice.
He was in Leeds.
He was a student in Leeds.
He went back to his and was making with sausage sandwiches.
And while the sausages were cooking, I ate a full loaf of bread and butter.
Dzen surprises at all.
Full loaf.
So he took four slices out, two for him, two for me.
And while I was waiting, I buttered and ate.
rest of the loaf of bread.
You're a maniac.
And you won't have put on a pound either.
Yeah.
I'd have gone up a dress size.
If I'd ate a loaf of bread.
Full, he was like, he was furious the next day.
I mean, of course.
Yeah.
You didn't give a shit, did you?
Did you give him any money for it?
I think one and half of us on it.
And I'd hate it all.
No, I used to, I used to get the, down street in Shields.
There was a, I think it might still be there.
Burger King, but it wasn't Burger King.
I understand.
No, it was called something like,
King of Burgers.
Something like that.
But it wasn't, yeah.
Takeaway King.
No, I'm sure it was called
it was called like...
Burger, on the left.
It was Fowler Street on the way.
I know what you mean, yeah.
Yeah, anyway.
It had a crown as the...
Yes.
But it wasn't Burger King.
It's not there anymore, isn't it?
No, it was King of Burgers.
Something like that.
Anyway, that was my go-to-place.
I used to get a beef burger
with raw onion
slices and tomato ketchup.
God.
Not pulled then, had you?
No, no.
No.
It was never on a pulled night.
No.
I wouldn't get food if I was having a pulled.
No, thank you.
Of course not.
I'm not doing that.
Two seconds.
Wait in the bedroom,
I'm just eating this burger.
It was,
no, it was a walk home burger.
Yeah, of course.
It was a walk home pissing the park burger.
You're joking.
So, that was my go-toe,
but also what I forgot is
when I would get home,
sometimes soup my noodles.
That was a good one.
Nice, nice, that was a good one.
Quick.
Right, listen,
one night this bloke, this dad,
he came home, drunk,
and fried himself some onion,
awful.
Nothing else, just onion.
However, in the morning
when my mother discovered
had the used pan, she asked him what he made.
And he replied, I just, uh, I just fried up the onion we had.
I just fried up the onion that we had.
Oh.
That he found.
It was a perplexed face on my mother, which gave the first clue something wasn't right.
We don't have any onions, she replied.
Oh, God.
He says, yeah, we do.
They were in a bag under the sink.
And that's when the realisation hit.
What's he fra?
She replied, they weren't onions.
They were.
Dot, dot, dot.
I've got a guess.
You can guess if you want.
I don't think you're going to get it.
Were they a food?
No.
Oh God.
What's he done?
I don't think you're going to get it.
Should I tell you?
I'm scared.
Yeah.
Don't me scared.
It's not that bad.
They were daffodil bulbs.
He'd cut up and fried a bag full of daffodil bulbs.
It's disgusting.
It serves you right for wanting fried
Donnie enough as if you don't fucking stink enough.
But that's disgusting.
That's so horrible.
Would you not die?
I don't know.
No, probably not.
I'll make it ill, though.
They make it ill.
Probably.
It gets worse.
And that's not the only terrible food story about my dad.
My mother, this really upset is, and I don't know, it's not even that bad, but it's
just like how...
Some things can get you.
We know this.
Stupid.
My mother went out and left him instructions on how to make tea.
One part was mashed potatoes.
This is what my dad would have done.
Right.
And she'd left on the instructions, boiled potatoes already in the pan, mash.
Right.
However, she left out one important part.
My brother, 30 years later, still talks of the PTSD he has from being served a plate of what can only be described as a mashed potato soup.
That's right.
I just found out what he's done.
He didn't drain the water.
So he's boiled them in the water and then he's mashed them in the water.
He didn't drain the water as it wasn't on the instructions.
That's foul.
that's foul.
So he just mashed the full lot and served it.
Safe to say he's never cooked us a meal since.
Why is that so upsetting?
What a waste of potatoes.
That's so upsetting.
It's horrible.
I can't even begin to think about the texture.
It must have been like,
it must be like paint.
Yeah.
But you can't mash all the lumps out.
That's impossible.
No, it would have been like a watery wallpaper paste.
Watery porridge.
Horrible.
Oh, it's making this feel a bit sick.
I know, isn't it really sad?
I might get people, you know,
you can remember the fish bowl.
thing that I did years ago that when someone
spat in the fish bowl, that this will get people.
I can taste that, I can feel that, I can feel that going down the
lumps and water going down my throat, that's upset.
I love mashed potato. What's your favourite kind of potato?
I never have done this, but... I'm going to sound like such a posh twat.
What? You know what my favourite kind of potato is.
Stove and what? Hazzleback.
Hassop, that's not posh. Is it not posh?
What, you're fucking just cutting it on a spoon?
No.
Jesus, all right, that was free. It takes a bit of time.
Yeah. Well, probably decadent, but it's not posh.
I like a Hassaback potato and I like a roast potato.
I'm doing them for tea.
Rose potatoes?
You're welcome.
Oh.
Not a fancy hazabags?
No, I haven't bought new potatoes.
Great.
Nice.
Tune in next week for more.
Absolute shite.
What's fair toady?
Babadoo, babadoo, babadu.
Just really quickly, men, you cannot win.
You just can't win.
Right, what is this?
I think we hate you.
Yeah, you still, yeah.
But we're still procreating and still whatever,
doing stupid stuff for men.
But I think deep down we'll find us.
repulsive.
So,
this is from a lady.
Thank you for admitting it.
We took our kids
to an R&LI
fundraise at the day.
R&LI,
Royal,
the lifeboat thing.
Yeah.
Where we got to
two other lifeboats.
I overheard a guy
asked one of the
lifeboat volunteers.
Permission to come aboard.
Ick.
We hate you.
I love that.
We hate you.
I love it.
I'm a do.
Oh,
yeah.
love that. What a guy. What a guy. I'll say something like that. That's great.
Oh, there's another one here. We do hate us, right? You can't. You can't it win.
Great. Okay. Hey, Rosie and Chris, long time. Listen to our first time emailer. Um, quick
ick for you here. My friend has been seeing a guy for a few months and she was trying to arrange a dinner date as they tend to just head out for drinks instead.
The lad said he couldn't afford it because his car was in for an MOT.
That's one of the harshest ones.
That's so harsh.
Poor guy is paying for his MOTs
so he's a bit strapped by cash
and you'd think it's an ick.
How dare you?
I'm laughing.
The only reason I laughed is because it's so fucking brutal.
So brutal.
I know.
Just you cannot win.
These are just the worst.
Not.
Really.
Poor guy.
This one,
I fear.
I fear you may relate to this with me.
Okay.
Okay. Because I fear that I would do this.
Hi, Chris and Rosie.
This sort of ick is about my husband's bedtime routine.
He likes to lie in bed watching Netflix on his phone and his earphones in while he goes to sleep.
So he's little, there must be Bluetooth ones.
Fine, whatever, marriage.
Okay.
Great.
Last night, however, he decided he was feeling a little bit frisky.
So Netflix was apparently put on hold and we did the deal.
He gets up, switches the lights on, and that's when I notice.
He still had one e-he headphone in the entire time.
Just one.
One headphone in the entire time.
Sitting in his year, like he was working a shift on the taxis and waiting for the next job to come through.
Honestly, my vagina packed a bag.
Wow.
Crawled back inside my body and I fell photos of all.
I love that. I bet you should, I bet you should bollock them.
Have you had that?
airport in the whole time.
What if he accidentally rang someone?
What was he listening to?
Was it still playing?
He might have had the phone on the side.
He might not.
But how do you not know it's still in?
You would be away?
No, sometimes I don't realize mine are still in.
Oh, really?
Sometimes I don't realize.
I went to the toilet on the train once
and I looked in the mirror and I went,
oh, fucking that, my AirPods are still in.
I didn't realize.
I've stopped using them.
I've gone old school.
I think you're clever.
It's because they just sit on the outside of your ear,
but that's funny.
That's so, imaginary socks on as well.
Sox.
No.
Some kind of two.
tool belt and one air pod and a hat.
A hat?
But you can leave you.
I once had a sex with the guy who left his hat on.
Really?
Awful.
What kind of hat?
Like a woolly hat.
Like a smearth?
It's all coming back.
It's all coming back to me now.
Papa smurf.
Oh, Jesus.
Bad times.
Oh, that's hilarious.
Hi, Chris and Rosie.
I read.
Just watched your latest podcast on YouTube.
Watched?
Is this?
Is this Barry Bee?
It's a character?
All right.
All right.
Probably lives.
Probably lives over the road.
I live round the corner.
And with Chris talking about farting
reminded me of something that happened the other day
when the temperature hours were ridiculously high.
I was on a bus coming home
from Whitley Bay to Blythe.
and the heating was on the bus for some reason
none of the windows were open
eventually got to my stop I was so happy
but as I was getting off
I could feel something rumbling
and as I was walking down the aisle
to get off the bus
I fought it twice
now my thoughts are horrible
so I got off the bus
The doors closed, the bus went away
With my fought still inside of it
And was her bothered?
Was I foe
He got me
Yes
Nice
That was
That was up there
When people used to tag a trap where
Oh
Do you think you thought on the bus?
I don't know whether you fought on the bus
But that was just a good
enjoyable little story
Beautiful
Was I thought
What's done
Well done mate
Right we'll do what you want
Do you want sex vape
accent ick or flies up at itk
sex vap immediately are you kidding
you're serious
hey I hope you both well
we've just listened to this week's episode of the podcast
and started getting flashbacks to potentially
the biggest dick I've ever had in my life
so this all happened after a date with my ex-boyfriend
we've gone to an Italian restaurant
it was lovely so romantic
I'm talking candles
I'm talking wines flowing carbonara's flowing
we've had a great time
we carry on this lovely little Italian romantic
back to his house, back to his bedroom, you know?
Key information about this bedroom.
This bedroom is dark.
He's got a typical man bedroom.
I'm talking navy bedchutes.
It's also night time, so it's dark outside, plus closing the curtains and the door.
This room is pitch black.
This is key information.
Very key information.
You'll see why in a second.
Right.
Anyway, we're doing the little one, two.
We're doing the deed.
I am facing the wall.
He is behind me.
This again is very key information.
He's behind me.
I can't see what he's doing.
It's very dark.
That's fine.
I don't need to see what's going on at the end of the day.
However, what I didn't need to see in the middle of sets
where, you know, I'm putting in a top performance.
I'm giving it a good go as it happens.
I see on the wall in front of me in the pitch black,
this little blue light appears on the wall.
This little blue light accompanying the blue light.
is a sound that I will do an impression of
in hopes that you understand what he was doing.
Brilliant.
Then followed by a cloud of smoke.
Brilliant.
In the middle of sex, this man has picked up his fruity little vape
and has started vaping.
In the middle.
In the middle of sex.
I honestly, I didn't know what to do with myself.
I didn't know if I was here or there.
So I did naturally what I think anyone else was doing that situation
which is stop the action
throw a strap until he got me a McFlurry.
I didn't see any other way out of that situation.
Let me know, what would you do
if you found yourself in that situation
where middle of sex,
it hits his vape, it's his fruity little vape,
his little black, currant-flavoured vape.
Anyway, I'm not with him anymore.
I'm sure you can figure out why.
Good.
Bye, love you.
Wow.
That was a lot, on it?
First of all, the first of all, the first
guy who did the voice note and her,
I'd love to put them in a room together.
World apart.
I would just love to put them in room together.
That is, that is,
right, I'm telling you right now,
any TV producers is listening,
him and her,
in a camper van,
tour in America.
That's the show we're gonna make.
No, do the one that on Channel 4,
they win the cuff them together.
All right, yeah, there we go,
we'll cuff them together.
Anyway, we're in a vaping epidemic.
It's disgust in that, like,
like, put your,
how long are you having sex for?
It lit up the room.
It lit up the room.
The Navy bed sheet was upsetting.
That's the dark boy bedroom.
If our kids,
I don't think I can go with that like.
Do you know what I mean?
If Robin's like,
I want a dark bedroom.
I'd be like, no, it's not happening
because you're going to put girls off.
Or boys, I don't know.
Do they gaze like dark bedrooms?
No, no.
Who knows?
But listen.
So she sees the reflection of the light on the wall
and then she hears the,
and then.
But they were together.
See, I didn't know whether it was a one-night stand,
because I feel like a one night stand
that would be horrific
but they're a couple
they're comfortable
and he's just thought
I'm going to vape
wait till after sex
apparently there's nothing better in the world
than a cigarette after sex
wouldn't know because I've never smoked
but I've done it before
but well there we go
never done it in a bed though
never done it straightway
I've done it on like a front doorstep
classy
it's all right
it's quite nice
classy
um hat on or off
don't smoke
you'll set me hat on
fire.
Oh, bad times.
The 2000s were
brutal for me.
I just love
I just love being remembered
how I rescued you
from a life of shit.
You're welcome.
You did actually
because I think, yeah.
And what have you done to thank us?
You filled me garage
with fucking crap.
Yeah, I've also saved you.
You are just a better,
you don't talk about your one night stands on here,
but I know there's been plenty.
You're just better at
keeping a secret than me.
What do you mean?
No, I've had loads of one-nigh-stance.
Yes, you did?
Yeah, fucking did.
Oh, I don't.
I never left me hat on, though, so...
You left your socks on with me one time.
Do you remember?
Did her?
Yeah, you did.
Awful.
Wow.
I know, it was very early days.
Really?
I don't know if I've ever said that.
Honestly.
I'm so sorry.
Yeah.
Where's my cuddle?
I haven't even got any on now.
Oh, you see?
Good.
Glad.
I don't like socks.
I'd take them off to do the podcast.
It was winter.
It was November.
Yeah, okay.
Babadoo, babadoo, babadu, babadu, ba.
As always, thank you so much for listening
at this week's episode of Shag Maritanoid.
Do you know what? It's been an absolute pleasure talking to you,
Rosemary and to you, the listener this week.
Thank you so, so much.
If you want to get in touch at Shag Maradinoid at gmail at gmail,
to send a long form email or to send a voice note.
We're loving the voice notes, by the way.
Yeah, but you see now I slow this down as I get my phone out to check the number
because I still don't know the number because I think you'd say it wrong.
It would be terrified.
Voice note 07874-4-06650 email, shout right your auditjail.com.
Chris Ramseycom to get tickets for my tour, which starts again next month all over the UK.
Derby, Liverpool.
Hull, pull your fucking finger out, Hull, you were wined than I wasn't there last time,
and now you haven't even filled the place.
I'll get you's, I'll get you's all.
And that's it from me.
All.
All.
Love all.
I love all.
Bye.
Bye.
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