Sh**ged Married Annoyed - A new crush, a tour update and the return of Barry Beef!

Episode Date: February 27, 2026

On this week's Shagged Married Annoyed... Chris has a tour update which of course involves friend of the pod Carl Hutchinson! Rosie has some dishwasher thoughts and she reveals a potential new crush. She has also started a new hobby/fitness regime, it turns out that it is quite difficult! All of this plus a handy Huel bottle, some gut updates, brilliant voice notes and QTFP's and the return of the OG Barry Beef! One last thing smas and das... what IS the correct way to pronounce Croissant? 🥐 If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast then get in touch! 📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Married annoyed, we talk Rosie's brand new favourite hobby that just done once and probably will never do again. Pilates. Palates. How boosy are you? We have a very long conversation about dishwashers and it's more interesting than it sounds.

Yeah, maybe not. There's a tour update. I tell you everything that's been going on about by tour and Rosie's over the moon to hear about that, aren't you? Yes. Barry's back. Barry makes an appearance. He has missed him.

I've missed him so much. We've obviously got the beefs, we've got questions. We've got voice notes and Rosie, your best mate emails in. Yeah. I love her so much. Your actual soul mate.

That might actually be an email from you. No, me in the future. Yep. Enjoy. At Medcan, we know that life's greatest moments are built on a foundation of good health from the big milestones to the quiet winds.

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Medcan, live well for life. Visit medcan.com slash moments to get started. Hello, you're listening and you are watching, Shagerman Denoy with me, Rosie, I'm a husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello. And collectively, we are the Ramsey's. We are indeed. Hello. Hello.

Hello, welcome. Hi, welcome, welcome. Don't say hello to me like you've just not seen us for days. Yeah, but it's the first time I've seen you that they know that I've seen you. Hello? How long have you been sitting? there. Oh, that's...

How are you? Awful. Do you know what? I'm Egan today. Because I started, I went to the first ever reformer Pilates. Yeah.

The other day, Bougy A-F. Yeah. Really enjoyed it. I'd be wanting to do it for ages. I used to do one years ago. Do you remember with the bar? Uh, no.

It was just like a downscaled version with like, with a bar on the wall, like what was at school and you would pull the things off and I sort of did it. I can't remember you're doing this. Yeah, it was on Westall Road. Right, okay. I did it for a little while.

Right. Wow. All I remember you ever doing is when you used to do like the proper fitness classes and you broke your ankle just before went on holiday. Yeah. And that was awful. That was bad. Yeah.

No, this one's really good. And I really enjoyed it. But I've used much. And do you know when I did it, I said to the girl, I went, I'm going to be sought tomorrow. Yes. And she went, yeah. I'm not as bad as I thought I would be, but it is just a bit. It's me awest cheek more than anything.

Well, your exact words when I picked you up because you had some issue with your car and I had to come and pick you up. Yeah. the car battery was flat. And we're so stupid. Like you phoned us and you went, the car says that you need to keep the battery, you need to keep the car running for a long time to drive it

or the battery's going to go flat. So you sat with the car running and I came in my car, left my car, got the car keys for your car, drove your car around for ages, dropped your car at home, walked the half an hour back, sat in my car and waited for you. And when you came out,

two things you said, it was the first one was, you could have just gave me your car keys and you could have left because we're too stupid. because we're stupid and we're insured on all of the cars I could have just drove your car you could have give me your case of your car

and said I'll take yours you take mine I don't know why we didn't do that couple of thickos and the second thing you said it was which I've never heard someone say I think I've pulled me ass cheek but there was a moment when I went down because you have one leg on the floor and one leg on the bed thing that moves

very fun like you keep saying bed but it's like it looks like some kind of bondage thing let's be honest yeah it's like a little it's like a toboggan on on a slidey thing in it. Yeah. It's really weird. Well, you keep one leg on the floor,

the other one on a box on the bed, and then you move your leg back. So it's like standing up splits. Right. And you're holding a ball out in front of you at the same time. Good God. It sounds like... It sounds like Guantanamo be stress positions.

It is a bit. I think it is. Half squat in the corner with Eminem fucking blaring. It was quite relaxing. And then at the end, you know, she did this thing, heard do like you know

when you're calming down your body and they're like think of it was a funny thought no she did well I know there was times

though where she's like standing over you and you literally got your legs wide open and there was a point when I went have I got a hole in these pants

right you know when it goes through your brain I don't think she would ever say anything but I was like have I got a hole because I'm a scruff

I've had them I've bought all new sports stuff actually because I went and I felt like a scruff because I've had the same running trousers I look forward to go one more time

and then having all this sport stuff left over that's not a very nice thing to say because I've signed up for six so I have to go no I enjoyed it but at the end

it was really sweet and she had a moment where I thought I could do this on the podcast it might sound naff because I was very much at the moment but she was like

just relax and just take a moment for yourself and think about how much you are worth to yourself it was just really sweet and I was like

oh maid she was like you've done this it was a bit like Peloton But I wasn't sweating and exhausted and hating them. So, you know, on the Peloton, they're like, you've done this for yourself.

Yes. At the moment, I hate it, but it is very nice. Yeah. It's nice to do things for yourself. I've said it before, though, the Peloton instructors, they're basically part life coach, part personal trainer, part DJ, part motivational speaker. Yeah.

I tell you, I had one recently. I had one recently, and I, oh, God, I can't remember her name. She hardly spoke and I loved her. I was like, I'll do this again. I feel like they should have a bit of that. They should have a bit of that. She was great. I don't want to dig out the one that I've used before

but there's a guy I use on the peloton sometimes and you know I go on and like I'm busy I've got loads on like I'll just do a 15 minute or a 20 minute like so interval sprint run and then at the end he's like listen hop into a yoga class hop into a 45 minute stretch I'm like motherfucker I've got stuff to do you're at work like this is your

fucking job like I know he's not deliberately making his feel like shit about it but I feel like he's making us feel like shit about it No they're not because I think they're on commission so I think if I go and do his No shit are they? They must be but they got to be some kind of performance-related thing.

So I think if I go and do his stretch and then he's yoga, everyone's like, oh, so he's getting every time he does, you do one of his classes, he's getting three hits. Oh, okay, sorry, I never thought about that. No, it's a great thing. I think they're great. I love it. I love how it.

But she didn't speak and I just thought, yes, please. This Pilates he did, did anyone fart? No. No? Because yoga, farting's a thing at yoga in it. I could imagine. Yeah, I will, I probably will at some point. But fartens a thing of jihitsu as well.

Of course it is. So Carl asked as this the idea when I went to jihitsu in a place down in next to Milton Keynes. And he was literally like, does anyone have a fart? I was like, if you're like basically putting some pressure on someone on the fart,

it's like, and he's like, oh, does everyone, does no one say anything? And I was like, no, everyone just like pisses and I was like, I'd be upset if you've ignored it. No, no, that would be,

that would be horrible if you ignored it, wouldn't you? That would be absolutely horrible. But no, it's all good. Oh well, well done. You're going to go back? Yes, I'm there tomorrow. Very good.

Very well done. Guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for being part of this silly, silly little world that is Shagmaring North. We really, really do appreciate it. Please like and rate and subscribe

and all that stuff. That's all I'm going to say about it. And without further ado, it's time for the next week. Lill, Lill, Lill, Lilloocta. Lillooct of. That's enough. Sponsor.

I feel really, I want to like scream and shout today. Right, okay. Because my body hurts. So I'm like. So you're going to get the insight to go off of it. Well, maybe don't do all that.

They might get it. It's quite annoying. It's time for this week's sponsor. This week's sponsor is something that's never happened before that is I can't believe the amount of years that I've been doing this thing and it's the first time it's happened. This week's sponsor is

opening the dishwasher door onto your shin. Oh! I did it the idea. I was busy. I was doing something. How far? How far do you pull it out? That's why I had something dirty hanging over the sink and I was standing too close and two to the right and I opened the dishwasher and it hit is just below my knee on the shin and I wanted to die. Oh bless you. I've got so... I want to talk about the dishwasher.

Okay. Should we do it when we've done? done this. Okay. Stay tuned to some epic dishwasher chat. It is pretty, it's really, it's groundbreaking. You're going to lose your mind. You're going to die.

You're going to die on the spot when I tell you. Guys, we're going to die on the spot. Guys, right, people who host the pocket, put 15 adverts in here because they'll stick and we'll get loaded. Do you think all that kind of? No, I'm totally joking. I mean, there probably is some. I don't know.

Don't listen to this podcast. Don't listen to any. Great. You ready? Here's a jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle, Jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle.

We hope you like the jingle, jingle, jingo. Babadoo, babadoo, babadu, babadu, babadu, ba. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagmuridonoyed dishwasher. Yeah. This is sort of like a beef, but it's not really. It's just a discussion that you and I need to have, but let's have it with everybody else as well, okay? Which has been our life for the last seven years.

Yeah, but you know how are previous with the dishwasher. I know. Okay, I'll tell you right now. I tell you right now. I don't like dishwashers. Right. I find them ridiculous, right? And so I hate filling them.

I hate emptying them. I know. I would rather wash the dishes. Okay? I would rather stand and wash the dishes and dry the dishes. I find it quite cathartic. When you're away, I don't use that dishwasher. Have you noticed?

No, because I'm not here. Okay, well, it doesn't get used. So, I have a proposition. because you love the dishwasher and I very rarely use the dishwasher and we're 50-50 now it's not like the old days when you were at work and I was at home

50-50 I earn as much money as you not this year because you're on tour but normally we're half and half okay incredible or you just completely shut on your own bite me all right shut your fucking pie hole in the middle of your fucking fight what's that off it's off of a film

listen listen the dishwasher stinks I was cleaning it yesterday. Do you remember the bottom where it gets dirty you get like food and that trapped because it's disgusting? And then I changed the salt the other day and I just thought to myself, I don't even like this. Right. So you need to take over that job.

Of cleaning the dishwasher? Yes. Okay. That's all that was. Promise? Yes. You need to take over cleaning it. You need to buy the stuff from the shop. Don't forget. Don't forget. Yeah, yeah, I'll do them. You need to wash it. You need to clean it. You need to do the salt. You need to do all the stuff. Because I hate it. It makes it. It smells. I'd rather I wash the dishes and dry the dishes, but you insist on using the dishwasher.

So you can be in charge of it. I'm not taking any responsibility for it anymore. I don't understand your message. First of all, I thought you were going to say take the dishwasher on tour, which is mental. No. What, what, what, what's your problem with the dishwasher? Yeah, but like, is it, is it the smell? Is it the smell? I hate the smell. Right. And you hate loading and unloading. I hate loading it and I hate, I think it takes longer. I think it's the stupidest invention ever. Really? I genuinely think it takes longer. I know people who don't have dishwashers. My mate Steph hasn't got a dishwasher Yeah

Sean hasn't got one Absolutely fine Yeah I think they're more I think they're more hassle I don't think we've got a bench space For all the cleaning of dishes though There's currently the fucking

Yeah we do If you do it as you eat it Right But you wash a baking tree It's like having a fucking It's like having a sledge Next to your sink Honestly it really upsets me

Really? I think it's great Right well then We're just different But all I'm saying is I don't want responsibility For it anymore Do you know it doesn't have to be

fucking rammed To put it on It doesn't have to be Absolutely rammed to the fucking high hills. Yeah, because like I say, sometimes I use it when you're not here and it's only got a few stuff in it, but then I think, well, I should have just washed it? I mean, Matt loves a dishwasher.

She can't fucking stack it either. Well, I know she can't, but that's, by the bad. But she... I owned it this morning. I didn't know what was going on. She loves... She loves a dishwasher, which I don't understand. But she needs to learn how we use it. I know, but she had years of not having one. In a family of five. So I kind of... I think, I think she's got trauma. Yeah. I just think, in every relationship,

there's someone who can stack a dishwasher and there's someone who hasn't... I'm better at it, but I don't like it. You're not better. That's the thing. No, you know what upset is? It's like, oh, this thing that you've used that can't go in, so you're having to fill a sink of water to wash a couple of things that can't go in.

Don't fill a sink of water, just wet things, put a bit stuff on. I like, you know I like a bath? I love my hands. I love water, me. A kitchen bath for your hands? I just love a kitchen bath. In every relationship, there's someone who can do the dishwasher and there's someone who can't. And the person who can't doesn't...

Yeah, no. But the person who can't doesn't realize how shit. they are the dishwasher because the person who can, i.e. me, opens it, size, is sick of saying something and just fixes it before it goes on. And they never realise. They'll never learn. They'll never learn. Listen, I have, I've learned

and you can take full responsibility for it. Fine. It's just the cleaner and that. I might put a lock on it. I might put a lock on it so only I can use it. How about that? How about that? Yeah, put your money where your mouth is. I will put a fucking padlock with a code with it on that dishwasher. I'll work out the cord. You won't have a code. I'll fucking will.

I'll make a compact random. I will. I'll get you drunk and I'll make it tell us. I will get Chachybt to just randomise me a chord. A new chord every day. Yeah, new chord every day. All right. All right. I'll pull up on it. Okay. Yeah, yeah. Great. Great.

I hope you enjoy living in a sexless marriage. I'm there now. Oh, remember when a sex band used to work. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo babadoo babo babo babo babo babo. Rosie. Chris would you I'm on tour at the moment would you like a tour update of what's been going on um yes well sorry okay do it again do it again do it again because you might extend it and people if people want to go with the one of buzz about it and I would like the money so right okay

I'm doing this for the I'm doing this for the money right good good good yes again oh we'll leaving that in or taking that out we'll leave it in ready just just to making sure I saw everyone watching in the in the in the team know what's going on. Okay. We'll try that again, shall we? Rosie, would you like a tour update? Oh my gosh, yes, go on. Oh, he's having so much fun.

It's great, isn't it? Fantastic. So does that come from the fact that you're sick of parenting on your own? Does that just come for the fact if you can't be asked to hear about it? I'm joking. I'm genuinely, I'm not sick of parent on my own.

We've worked out. Yeah. Our kids are better when one of what isn't here. Yeah, yeah. It's madness. When we're both here, it's little dickhead of clock.

When one of, genuinely to the point where... I think that's a thing. I think that's a thing. Well, I think we need to change the world and we need to change marriage. We need to flip it on its head. Me and you love each other, genuinely, don't we?

We still do. It's fine. Everything's fine. Right. I'll see you. For the sake of the recording, yeah. I don't, because honestly... Of course I do. I adore you.

I adore you. People are surprised when they see we're in public in the sea that we actually like... It's mad, isn't it? It's not real? I imagine it's like, for some people, I mean, I don't know. I'm just totally guessing. I imagine, like, seeing the actors from Gavin and Stacey holding hands and going,

well, fucking hell, they're together in real life. I know they're not, but it's imagine it's like, I imagine it's like saying something like that. Yeah, well, no, it is. I think people are genuinely shocked, but we're quite like each of that. So, but for the sake of when you've got kids, I think that we should have another little house. And I think we should take turns to live in that house, to live in the house, but to be married, but to have date nights and stuff,

but have the kids separately because they're just better. I think mornings should be done separately. Mornings, when you're not there, and I'm just doing the morning with them. I get them out of the house record time. I know. Well, see. When you're there, they're fuck about as well.

All right. Honestly, they're trying to split up. That's what they're doing. They are they trying to split up. Fucking two Christmases. What's this about two Christmases? It's not, you don't understand.

It's not, it's not what it sounds like. It's bad. It's bad. It's not bad. But, you know, it's not great. It's not ideal. Okay. I think we should do consecutive,

what's it called opposite mornings. So I can just stay in bed? No, I'm on two at the minute. I'll probably be staying in bed, especially in a night and one of Halifax tonight, aren't I'm back? As we record this on Wednesday, the 25th. Listen, listen,

tour update coming at you. Just a few quick fire things. A couple of longer things, a couple of few quick fire things. First of all, we were driving along in the van the other day and I saw one of the worst things I've ever seen. We're driving along.

Worse than the last in the white tracks who'd have shit herself. Yes. We were in the middle lane driving along and there was, it was rain, it was like lashing down with rain, obviously it's been raining since the beginning of the year. So it was a three-lane motorway.

Someone was on the far right lane in like a white American-style pickup truck. You know out of the flat bed pickup truck things. Cool. You would think so. Don't know what anyone in this country uses them for? I don't know. With the back, with open like that.

It's mental. So the passenger window opens. So we're here. So he's just to the right. Yeah. Passenger window opens and a guy hangs his out of the window and starts being violently sick. Like so sick.

Like so much sick. So much. You haven't told me this. Well, now I've written it down the pocket. It's fucking like pouring out of his face. But it's like, if you ever had sick, if you ever had that sick where you've woke up, you've had a hangover and all you've done all day is drink water

and then you're being sick and it's basically just water, but there's loads of it. So it was like it almost looked like slightly milky liquid just coming out of his face. And then he pulled in front of her. And as they pulled in front, obviously they're trying to get to the lay by. But he's just still being sick. Oh, God.

And it's mixing with the rain and it's bounced up on the road. And I literally shouted the two hundred matches. I was like, press that button. That shuts the vents. Because I was like, he's fucking like, his airborne particles of sick

are going to go into the car and into the vents. And it was, it was vile. Vile. Head out full, and we were losing, we couldn't get my phones quick enough to video.

Whenever it was travel sickness or hungover or. Oh, it was horrible. God. Oh, it was horrible. So that's the first thing that happened. Great. Just as disgusting.

I did my second van piss of all time. Oh, fuck. We didn't. a moving van. What receptacle? They are sponsors of the podcast, big fan,

Hewle. Oh, Hugh. Great bottle of wee and perfect size. Yeah, just can't recommend it enough to win. They are quite a big size bottle. Did it have anything in it? Was it empty?

No, no, no, it wasn't. But to my mind, I was very upset. Very, very upset. But we were late for a geek. We just couldn't stop. You didn't call. He's just pissed constantly.

Well, I've got a lot of photos in your phone that you put on. I'm going to collect them of call, just me sitting in the van watching call. and outside. That's also something that happens. Moving swiftly on. You've got a couple more things.

I got a new... Never heard of you. Got a new one for the league table. Sorry, anyone who just hasn't listened to last week, the Aberdeen taxi driver didn't know who Chris was. And relished and saying, Never heard of you. Held the note. I got another one in a hotel bar the other night

and a man woke up to us and he said, him and his wife had been sitting and they were looking over now and then, and she went to bed and he walked over and he went, um, sorry, should I know you? Should I know you? Should I know you? And I went, what?

He went, should I know you? And I went, I don't know, should you know us? And he went, well, and he realised what he said because it's quite a fucking rude thing to say you. And he went, oh, my wife said that, she recognised you. Oh, I'm a comedian, yeah. He went, oh, right, yeah. I went, should I know you?

He went, oh, no, oh, keep up the good work and you just fucked off. Should I know you? Should I have such a twatty thing to say. but I think he'd realise that as he said it because when I said should I know you back home he didn't like it I met a new dad from school the other day and I've been being asking about this

because I don't know what he meant and I don't think you knew why he was like I recognise you and you never want to say like you know no no no you never say because they all go it's not that yeah yeah okay so you go I do a podcast I'd pop up on the time now

and then they go What he said, so what's this? He went, do you go to corals? Or do you work at corals? What's corals? Oh, to boogies. Oh, God. No offense to anyone.

Do you sit and work? Do you sit at the bookies? No, he said first, do you go to corals? Like, oh, you just frequent the bookies. Great. But then I think you thought that I worked there. Right, fantastic. I've been like, ragging my brains.

I thought it was something like, C-life centre or something, I was like, what the fuck is corals? Blue, the blue boogies. It's a boogies. He realised after that, but then he realised it through a friend of ours and you. So then you realise.

But all week, I've been mean to say it. He like, what is corals? It's a boogie. That's amazing. That's fucking amazing. Do you go to corals? Wow, do you work in the boogies? That's great.

No, I don't, he said do you go first rather than do you work there? nothing wrong with working at the boogies, FYI. Oh no, yeah, of course. I've had every job under the sun. Yeah. It was just more like, I was kidding, I don't watch corals. Do you go to corals?

That's really good. During the day. Be fair, you do go to corals, but so don't you nick the little pens. You don't put your bets on, you just go to nick the little pens. I used to stand outside corals because my grander always went and he made me stand outside. You might just have a really good memory. Do you stand outside corals?

Did you stand outside of corals? Did you stand outside of was 29 years ago. That was me. Yeah. Maybe more than that. Maybe 35 years ago. Imagine that. Oh my God.

Okay, Nell. A couple more on the tour update crack. Yes. We pulled up to Peterborough. Big shout out to the girl who was there. I said this on stage as well. We pulled up with the venue in Peterborough. And now and then, so after the show, people come to the stage door and I'll, you know,

I'll sign autographs and stuff and get some photos taken. There was one lady standing in the rain outside Peterborough when we arrived there at about four o'clock in the afternoon. Obviously I jumped straight out of the van and was like, what do you want so you can get yourself out of the fucking rain? She wanted a baby. She wanted a photo. And a baby. No, she wanted a photo and she wanted to play me her husband's farts in person. Anyone who's just listening to this is the first episode or isn't it where now and then people will send us farts on the WhatsApp as a voice note. She had, she opened her phone. They were no less than about nine.

And she said the phrase, the exact words. He said the second one's the best. I went, just play that one then. It's pissing down my rain. She'll play the second one. I heard it. I did a quick video for him saying, well done. Fart sounded great.

And then she left. And I got in and the lady from the venue had watched this whole thing. And she went, what was all that about? And I explained. And she said, welcome to Peter Brough. Peter Brough, the land of the fort. So she just wanted your reaction? Wanted me.

reaction in real time to the husband thought. Honestly, good thought. Solid eight or ten, I would say. Yeah. They haven't got kids, have they? I doubt they've got kids. You can't be standing outside of a stage door at 4 o'clock in the afternoon waiting to show.

On a Saturday. Waiting to show someone, you know, a sound recording of your husband's thoughts. Yes. That's a lot of time. She was in the front row as well. I'm jealous. I had a life when I came out.

I'm jealous. It was very, very good fun. Did you play them for the audience? No, they're on her phone. No. I could have got her phone of that. I'm not doing that. I mean, they probably wanted to hear them, but no.

Especially that second one. Speaking of people outside, and I didn't know this, Carl told me this a day, this is the last bit of tour update. Carl told me the day, when we arrived at York on a different tour a few years ago, when we were on tour,

he arrived in the Pissendown, I'm just reading it so I get it right here, he arrived in the Pissing Down rain at about four o'clock, and I wasn't arriving until later. I think I was driving myself that day. Is this the same woman? No, different woman.

Oh. So he arrived at York, and there was an older lady outside in the Pissentown rain. And she had stuff to sign, and she had a camera. And Carl was out, oh, my God, it was freezing cold, pissing down. And for some reason, even though she had photos of me, she went to Carl or you, Chris Ramsey. And because it was pissing down, it was freezing.

And Carl was worried about her. Carl went, yes. Wow. So he got selfies with her, and he signed all of the Chris Ramsey stuff, just so she could go. He just wanted that to go, because it was freezing. And he knew I wasn't going to be there for a good three hours. So if you've just, word of warning, if you've sent a... older relative to get some merch sign for yourself,

for me, there's a very good chance. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, it's a very good chance. It's just got a good chance. That's mad. That is madness. I love it, though. He was like, look, I just,

he was like, she was freezing. I just wanted that to have to go. He was like, it was really cold. I went fine. I went, feel free to do that again. I don't think I've ever, I don't think, when I was younger, obviously, there was like boy bands and that.

But as a grown-up, I've never loved a celebrity that much. I don't think. That's because I wasn't around when you were a kid. That's it. See if I was around, you'd be like that comedian, brilliant him. That's the rancest thing you've ever said.

That's my fault. You tell you right now, I wouldn't have fancied any of the comedians. Right, not even me. What do you mean? What? I don't think young girls fancy comedians. I present to you Russell Howard. Heartthrob.

Oh, fair enough. Yeah. Yeah. Good luck at that. Yeah. Well, just... Not me. Not me is what we're seeing here.

That's what... No, I'm not saying. I've just met his own in real life. And... The... It takes a certain... It takes a certain... It takes a certain type, I think.

That's not my type. I just think I would just... I don't know. We haven't got... Everyone I've got out with other than you was nothing like you, let's put that way. I just chose... I just think I chose dickheads.

I don't think he's our dickheads. I think he's actually really lovely... But we have the nice guys. The thing is, yeah, we haven't got the sex appeal. So that's the thing. So that's the thing. Since I just... Since I started comedy and since people started doing arenas,

everyone has always fucking said, comedy's the new rock and roll. It's since Bidiel, Newman and Bidale did Wembley Arena years ago, everyone said, comedy's a new role. It is not the new rock and roll. Because that,

it will always be the part. People don't scream and cry of comedians. One girl has screamed and cried when she met us and got a signature and was crying and was shaken. And everyone else in the queue was very, very uncomfortable. And it was really odd. Do you know who I fancy a bit? Who?

Young Blood? He's young. He's a lot of young. He's a lot of young. He's covered in blood? He's young and covered in blood. No, he's, um, he's a singer, where he's like a rock. Is he the guy who he's almost always got his pubes on show?

His pants are solo. Like leather pants, so low. Something about him. Something about him, no. He's dead. I think he's probably only about 25. Yeah, I think he would call you ma'am. Yeah.

Yeah. Like mom. Is he a brummy? Oz your Oswald loved him. So he's like, Apparently he's really good with these fans. I've read multiple things that he will literally... I think that's why I like him.

I went down a TikTok rabbit, all of him, and he was so polite. Yeah. And he just seems really lovely, and he's genuinely really talented. And there's something really charismatic about him. Wow. And he's a bit fit.

So I think... I think if I was going to stand outside someone's dressing room, it would be him. Look, I'll make a few calls. I'm sure we'll know someone who knows him. Let's get it sorted. Wow.

Happy 40th. Hello, Mr. Blood. It's my wife's 40th. Couldn't you just stand outside? your dressing room for a bit and just... He would not like me, I don't think. Nah. He, of course he would.

He'd be mad if he didn't like you. He'd be mad. Wouldn't he? Look, you're a big, that's Codding and I'd love you, man. He would love you. You can tell him how tired you are. Tell my brother stimulated you are.

Tell him how much I hate the dishwasher. I get out like a house on fire. You're going to like a house on fire. Do you honestly, maybe? Look, young bruns is going to be meat. This week. This week. Right. Because my period takes over my life, Mr. Blood.

No, I'll catch him in a few years when he's had enough and he's quit drinking and all that stuff and he's ready for a man. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for what's your beam. Hello, hello, Chris. Hi, hi, it's Barry, Harry. Hi, all right.

I was just listening and, uh, am, are you giving away your dishwasher? No. I've got you flat. and there's a space between the sink and the other cupboard and I think it's for a dishwasher right okay

and I've just been putting my clothes in it ready for the washing machine but I just thought I heard the recordings that I do and I mean I just heard through the grapevine

that you're giving away your dishwasher and if you all have it like Right okay Yeah No what I use the dishwasher It's very much of mine So you want to keep it Yes please

Yes I'm actually gonna put a lock on it It's gonna be my dishwasher Oh locks eh Yeah. Wow. Is that where it is? Is that what you've got to? Locks.

Locks on the stuff, eh? Yeah, it's my diswash. I'm mine. Mine. Okay. Yeah. So you've just, for that space,

you've just been putting like a laundry basket in there to keep your depression. Oh, don't have a basket. What do you think this is? Fucking buying baskets. So it's just a gap

where there should be your cupboard and there's a pile and clothes up in there. Just me clothes. Next to your sink. Well. In the kitchen where you prepare food, just a pile of dirty clothes.

I haven't cooked for 25 years. Sunshine. Actually, don't assume. What do you eat? Well, not much. Right. Fags. Brune ale.

Cigarette. Dixon's pork pies. Right. Okay. It's just pretty. And I love to get the meat scraps from Morrison's. What's the meat? Rosie called, Rosie said meat crisps. You just get the scraps of the meat, get all the best bits.

Right. Okay. Nice. Pace button. Savaloy dips Fish and chips from Colman's Very very northern based Haven't cooked for years I haven't got an oven

Got an out Got an air fryer though Because everyone's got one in there Anyway I better go Okay Got to get back to work Where you're working now The General

The General That's the general The hospital The General Honestly Scrumbing up Scrubing up I thought you were going to say

Coral But you missed a trick there Barry No, I do go to the coral though I've seen your last there She's out of this Is that right? Okay Thank you very much

She's one loaded A thousand thousands Right Is you keep a secret from me Oh Oh yeah I'm sorry I'm seeing now

Kid I'm sorry Because this is visual now Whenever you do do Barry You should bring up You should bring up some glasses Or a fake nose

Or some That's the first time I've done it being recorded And I'm embarrassed Yeah yeah It's horrible It's a good little voice. I enjoy it.

I think I only do it because you enjoy it. My mom tells us that you enjoy it. So I'm sorry. I know other people will probably hate Barry, but that's fine. No, no. That was for you. I love it.

You welcome. Thank you very much. Thank you. I love Barry. Right. What's your beef with me? You can't possibly have one because I have, one, I've not been here much and two,

when I am here, I'm a bloody joy. The beef I've got, it's actually quite nice and quite sweet. And I don't want to, I know I talk about, like, me weight and all. Anyway, so I ask Chechie, petee what I need to do because I feel like I exercise I eat okay

I don't eat I could eat better but you know I like food and I like wine and what the fuck I've got vices I don't care I'm gonna be 40 I like food and drink anyway I straight cheap chachia bita chichibita what did as a meal planning it did as a meal planning right so I need to eat loads more proe I need more pro

I'm gonna have to start having been saying this for ages I'm gonna get on the shakes and shit yeah you are I'm gonna I'm gonna do it so I need It said more protein and it was just like a fasting from like half seven to half ten in the morning, blahdy, blah. Anyway, I'm just trying to be good. Right. Okay? Yeah.

Every time we're eating, you want something and you keep saying. And I know you're trying to be sweet, but it's fucking really irritating. And I'm not like, I'm not in recovery from anything. I'm just trying to cut down. But literally, we were eating like the driest bit of chicken the other day. and I was like you can have like mayonnaise or something and you were like I can't eat it in front of you and I was like

you absolutely no but you absolutely can you can eat mayonnaise in front of us I'm okay like I'm just cutting down but if I thought you had a bottle of mayonnaise that would be hilarious cards on the table there's mayonnaise in this Stanley

this is just a Stanley full of mehast I'm all right though Chris I promise you I promise you it's more like an experiment I'm just because I know I can do it. When I eat well, I'll lose weight. Yeah. But you can eat whatever you want in front of us.

I'm not like triggered or anything. Okay. Except if it's them nice, if it's them salt and vinegar crisps from the co-op. Yeah, we're going. No, I couldn't handle that. They are so good. What if I covered them in so much mayonnaise that you couldn't see them and it just looked like I was eating handfuls of mayonnaise?

I've never had, oh my God, crisp is dipped in mayonnaise. Imagine. Oh, fuck, no. Eat salt and salt and vinegar cream. Crisps dip in mayonnaise. I'm actually going to buy that pack of crisps for the weekend.

Right. Okay. How good are them? I see. Have he said them, Chris? What a fucking rollercoaster of emotions. This has been... Chardony vinegar.

Chardony and salt vinegar from co-op. Yeah. They're... Absolute filth. Other crisps are available. Wait. What was your beef with me?

My beef with you is... I know I've been away a lot, so I haven't really got beef with you. Of course. Although... You must have some kind of tracker on me or some kind of something. You're surveyorers. You can see what I'm doing.

You can see what I'm up to 24-7. Because I'm not joking. The minute, whether I'm at home or away, the minute I gather enough things or grab and carry enough things to occupy all hands, my phone rings and it's fucking you. Every time. If I'm leaving a hotel room and I'm literally like, right, bag on here,

right, caught at me hand, or anything in my hand, any time I've got loads of stuff at my hand, the phone rings, and it's you. This is a you problem. It's a you problem. It's a fucking you problem. You live in a world where you think

every time I'm calling you, that I'm dying. And that's not my problem. That is true. That is true. So, chill the fuck out. If I'm dying, I'll ring you more than once. If I really need you, I will ring you again.

I'll ring you over and over again. Then you go, oh, she's rang us four times. It must be serious. If I rang you once and not rang you back, I just don't know where my slippers are. What if you don't have enough life left in you to ring four times? Then I'll die. And what you're going to do?

You're going to have to just live in a world where you didn't speak to us? Why are you ringing me? You're not an ambulance in this scenario? I would never ring you, exactly. I would, can I tell you right now? I love you so much. I would ring me ma'am. Right.

I would ring me ma'am over you. Okay. So it's okay to not answer the phone to you straight. I'm not going to get to a lot. Yes, this is a you problem. This is being, we've had this before. Okay. It's embarrassing, actually.

because you'll be in a meeting and I know you're like I don't actually know that you're in the meeting yeah I'm like you know but I'll ring you and you'll be like is everything okay and I'm like yeah I just wanted it and you're like all right well I can't talk because I'm in this meeting and I'm like well don't answer your fucking phone you're sorry I just feel like sometimes if you're if I'm away and you're at home with the kids whether I'm away away or whether I'm just around the corner I feel like if you've got the kids it's my duty to answer the phone to be present in case he need us for something? But I'll just be calling to ask where, like, Robin's fucking,

something is, where's he's left, have he seen the football socks? I'll go with this thing. It's not urgent. I mean, it's, I would like to know, but it's not, wait, there's nothing, there's, there's, there's nothing there. Okay. No, but you can, you can ring his back in five minutes when your hands are on full. Right, okay.

You are, you're, you're like, he's playing football in bare feet, thanks to you. No, you're going to get yourself. Listen. You're going to get yourself so upset with me in a scenario where I've actually done nothing wrong. Oh, okay. Because you're nuts. Okay.

And everyone knows you are. That is fair. So, whatever. Well, there you go. I can't believe you. What? You're just blaming. You're saying that I'm watching you.

You are. Because when I call, you've got your hands full. Look at him. Look at him. Look at him. He just picked up a second suitcase. He's got a backpack on. Oh, look.

He's even got something in his mouth. Ring. Just, it's so wild because I could say the same. about you whenever I'm away but I never would because I'd go oh I'm busy right now I'll call him back in 30 seconds fuck you so how you're closing your argument imagine they did that in court that's what I'm done have you seen that video and to summarize if the glove don't fit you must acquit and I'll comment yourself burbs so I can't do it have you seen the video of the guy who sat on the floor with his friend

and they're having like a thing and he leaves and he like rolls his legs over and farts and she goes, tarrell! And he goes, well! And he gets, I'm going to send you. It just doesn't. He like rolls over and does a massive fart. Oh, God.

Sounds like a jihih Tzu fart that. It wasn't his fault. It was his diaphragm. No, it's so funny. It was just his body. It's so funny. I just don't answer the phone. Okay. Sorry this.

I'll never answer the phone to you again. I'm triggered because you've done this before and you're making it into me. We're genuinely. don't speak loo to them much when you were away. Yeah. I always just assume something terrible. I'm a catastrophizer. I always assume something terrible's happening. I've stopped. I can't call you because you think that we're dying.

I've bought that thing for the car. We'll be fine. We're going to be fine. We're fine. Every scenario we are fine. Okay. Okay. I believe you. I believe you. Okay. Doggy doogie. Sorry. Well done. Babadoo. Babadoo. Babadu. It's never too early to plan your summer story in Europe with WestJet. From rolling countryside to cobblestone streets.

in your next chapter. Book your seat at westjet.com or call your travel agent. Westjet, where your story takes off. It's time for questions from the public. Question from the public, public. Public. As always, if you'd like you and touch, it's shagged

Maudenoyd at gmail.com to write things in and if you want to send in audio messages or voice notes, it's the WhatsApp from the that on... You are a ridiculous. It's on the podcast speed. Write the number.

I can't. Write the fucking number down. You do no prep for this podcast at all other than your shitty fucking someone vomited. You wrote a full paragraph about someone I pissed in a fuel bottle for this. Write the number down,

your piece of shit. I'm sick of working with you. I'm sick of this. I'm sick. Hey guys, welcome, welcome and thanks for all the, you know, all the positivity that we're bringing to your lives. 07-874-40-66-50.

Brilliant. Or just go on the fucking page of what you're listening to and click on it. Or what, so they want to listen to me and then write it down to a bit of paper and then type it into their phone. Or they want to listen and type as I'm saying it. No, they don't. They can just go to the thing. Shout, line, and on to jimmel.com is a very easy thing to remember.

07874406650 is not an easy thing to remember. Hence why I've never fucking bothered to remember it. I've checked out. Good. Okay, WhatsApp. Right. Beautiful. You're going to enjoy this one. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I've been meaning to send this story in for years.

and years and years and never have. And I've just listened to Fatia telling the story about the man who takes his own toilet paper into work. And I've thought, the time is now. My wife, who is a very good, excellent person, very clean, very lovely, had a really, really high up job in a really good company. And she was spending the day busily interviewing people under the quite senior role. and she needed the toilet and she needed to go now. So in between interviews, she ran to the toilet, quickly did what she was desperate to do in the toilet, wiped and thought that new toilet paper

is incredibly smooth and soft, luxurious, the softest toilet paper that's ever been made. And then she realised it wasn't the toilet paper. It was the... What do you think it is? I know exactly what it is. And I feel ill for her. No, but don't see actually.

because then you sometimes guess it. Okay, well, no, I'll trust you and I believe it. I'm going to write it on my phone. I'm going to write it on my phone in a text to you. Did you love how she was like, my wife, who's very clean? Yeah. Very clean and very lovely. Yeah.

Two seconds. Before I tell you this monkey story about her, she's very clean, just very lovely. Skip the back a couple of seconds as well if I'm complete again, right. I've written it down in your phone. Ready? Yeah. Then she realized it wasn't the toilet paper. It was the side of her cardigan that she,

She'd accidentally got her hand in and wiped her whole bum with. She had no option, did she? What did you put? Okay. I'll put the back of her blouse. Ah, nice. I put it was the back of her blouse. So it was actually, I think it was the pocket of her cardigan.

Oh, my fucking Lord. Oh, my Lord. So she's gone to wipe. And I don't think I thought it's gone in the pocket. I think she's had the paper on her hand. And then she's accidentally gathered some of her clothing. And she does. doesn't know that the cardigan's there because the paper is in between the hand and the

cardigan and she's just wiped. Do you know, that's never happened to me? Out of all the people in the world who I would imagine that would happen to, I imagine it would have happened on a weekly basis. No, a lot of stuff has happened to me, but that has never happened. That is fantastic. Does anything else what should say about the vest? Do you ever get shit up your back?

No. But once, it's happened once. Not has it's happened once. I've told Carl this story multiple times. So the company where... Do you love this podcast, by the way, listen, if you don't get Rafe-Kristened, fuck off, Trave-Gloff.

I tell Carl about this all the time, so he loves hearing the story. The company that we are managed by Avalon, when I was first going down for my first meeting to get signed with Avalon, I was in London and I was desperate for the time. I had travelled all the way across London to go there, and I was desperate for the toilet,

and I went and I had this unbelievable bowel movement where it just like I don't know what happened but like it just went up me back and then I wiped and I'm not kidding it was like it was miles up like over my beltline like it was terrifying and I was brand new toilet and I was literally about going for a meeting literally for the rest of my career I was I was barely doing 20 minutes in clubs I hadn't done the end of my friends I'd done nothing and I was like I have essentially one step shy of shapped myself and going into this thing I remember wiping I remember thinking what and it was like I don't have it was nerves It was never-ending.

I don't know if it somehow came out and curled up. What's defied gravity? Like a pig's tail. I don't know what happened. It was, I've never, I've never forgot about it. I'm not, I'm not actually telling it as graphically as I could because I feel weirdly a bit self-conscious.

I like other people doing it, but not. You ate terribly back then. I did eat terribly back then. I did eat terribly back then. I've got you a lot better eating since then. Oh God, yeah. So I can imagine it being sloppy and disgusted in a mess. It was the worst thing ever.

It was the worst thing ever. Yeah. And I think, I think in sorting it, I blocked the toilet. And then I was like, I need to go and have this meeting before the word gets around. Because in my head, I think, yeah, I don't. So I blocked the toilet and then I went in for the meeting.

You brought the toilet? But in my head, because obviously I catastrophize. They all talk about this, by the way, at Avalon. Well, no, I don't think they know. But in my head, I catastrophize. And I obviously think that while I'm in this meeting and I'm about to sign with this management agency who are going to, you know, get his on telly and make us famous,

that the cleaner's going to walk in during the meeting and go, whoa, whoa, whoa, stop. Has he signed that yet? Come and see what he's done in this toilet. And they all come and look, I'm sorry we can't sign you, you're an animal. I go, oh no, please. They're back to uni.

It's true. No, I think with my, now that I do, oh, guys, by the way, I haven't, I don't shit myself anymore. So I've cut out. Sorry, you haven't, you just had diarrhea. You won't show me myself. I'll tell you right now.

I have in the house absolutely shit myself a few times. Wow. Because of the eggs. Eggs, burning eggs. Egg, it's the white or the egg. The egg yolk, I don't know. But now I just eat really overcooked, hard-boiled eggs.

Horrible. Yeah, awful. But I don't chip myself anymore because I had a problem with eggs. So, thank you. 39 years. It's stuck out to work that out. Yeah, it's bad that, isn't it? So I've had some messy, I've had some messy times.

Oh, there it is. Yeah. Okay, should we see what happened? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So she had to rinse it in the sink, rinse it in the sink with hand wash and hot water, dry it under the dryer, and go and interview the next person.

I've enjoyed telling this story so many times to so many people, but I think more people needed to know. So there you go. Enjoy. Hey, thank you so much. Put it in the bin. Put it in the bin. Not been a nice cardigan. But then...

I don't think any cardigan's that nice after you've shot on it. Really, come on. But is it not that thing if she came out with the cardigan? But again, she thinks that she'd put it in the bin, she'd go back in, people go, where your cardigans? She'll always a little bit warm. And then she thinks during the next interview, someone's going to come with the bin and go,

eh, sorry, you've just not given me a job, but you shit on cardigans and throw them in bins. So who do you think you are? Possibly. You think everyone knows. When you do something like that, you think everyone knows. I know.

I've got to say, though, I think one lovely thing about getting older, right? I couldn't have said half this stuff on this podcast. If we were, you know how sometimes we sometimes think, oh, I wish there did it happen earlier. It wouldn't have. I would never have told anyone that I frequently used to shoot myself in the house when I was 25. You're okay anymore, do you?

No, I don't give a shit. Like, honestly, if I worked somewhere now and something happened, it worked in our ship myself, I'd literally go, my mate at work and I'd go, I've just shared myself. And they'd go, oh my God, are you okay? Like, do you know what I mean? It's also something to do with our personalities. There's a lot of people who wouldn't tell anyone any of this. Yeah, oh, God, yeah.

Yeah, but I mean, talk about surround. All of my friends would tell me if they've shit themselves. Yeah, yeah. You know what I mean? It's just the people that surround myself with. In continent people. Like on the recording days in London, I've had to stop taking grapes

because I was crippled with wind. It was them grapes? Mad, isn't it? Every day, I just eat it to put it at grapes and I'd be like, why am I ill? Grapes? And then holding farts. We do four episodes a day of please get me anonymous

and when we go back to the hotel after I'm ill, we are holding farts in. Our team must just think, I mean, I'm telling them now so they know, but my I've tell them I'd tell them last time I said I'm ill because I'm holding me farting

I've fought all the time I go to the toilet all the time and they must think God he's so well hydrated just fine well maybe next time she'll go for a little walk I'm down the street so I can get mine out

Oh that'd be good yeah Oh it's them too are yeah They go for the little fart walk Don't care I don't care I eat loads of fibre on that Coming out there Coming out of the

Coming out of the front door Like plenty stars in their eyes A load of steam behind you Tonight Matthew I'm gonna be They're gonna die When I get on the protein shakes And I'm gonna huleing my tits off I'm gonna fucking

sneak listen to this too good to miss very good very good last I'm sending voice votes I have discovered an ick and I think it might make a lot of men very angry because it's football related why is men saying in the word

var the most disgusting thing ever like just say VAR VAR sounds so like official I get it but VAR is disgusting It's absolutely disgusting

It makes you want to cry Fair Rank Fair Yeah So I had to Google it Because I didn't know what VAR Or VARR was

But it's the video It's the replay Yeah They didn't have for years It's still quite a relatively new Wasn't that new thing It's only a few years old But yeah

Are people, men calling it VAR Some people say VAR It's the same as anything And if people say stuff wrong But yeah VARR is what it But VAR People still say

Fahita is wrong I've told you I've said it loads of times. I remember I wanted to make, this was years ago, I wanted to make some fajitas with chicken and like a tomato, like I didn't want it to just be dry, I wanted to be like a sauce, and I just randomly YouTubeed it, and I saw this photo on YouTube of these fajitas, and it was like a sweet tomato based fajitas in this thing. It was smoky, smoky and sweet tomato or something like that. I was like, oh, amazing. And I saw them, and the guy was showing the finished

article to the camera, and it looked incredible, and he went right. I'm going to show you how to make these sweet and smoky tomato, Fagitas. I turned the video off. I can't, I'm not, you are, no, no, I am not taking cooking advice for someone who just said, Fagitators. I'd rather eat the chicken bland on its own, out of principle.

What's the spicy things that? Jalapinos. Jalapinos. There's people listening now, there's people listening now going, what do you mean? It's halapinos. And I'm not saying, no, but I'm not saying, you don't have to go jalapenos.

You don't have to put a, and sombrero on and you know mahalona yeah you don't just jalapinos jalapinos it's a it's a it's a her not a jia you say her all the time

yeah it's upsetting it is upsetting when it's but now I find that it's stuff like that that people say it wrong so much that now you question yourself

how I do love a jalapino with my vagina and that's not a euphemism that's not a euphemism how are we as British people meant to say quassons

what is the correct way. Is it croissant? Is it croissant? Well, when we go down south and people are like, do you want to, and they're quite posh that people will work with. Yeah.

Guys, love yours, but you're a bit posh. Very, very better educated than us. See? Very better educated. I've just proved it in my own sentence. They sometimes say, depends who it is, they'll say like, do you want,

do you want some croissants? Which is like quassants. And I'm like, I don't know how I meant they say it. I know Americans say croissant, croissant. Croissant. They say croissant. Crescent. Crescent.

Cricent. Do you want a croissant? Yeah. In a French as restaurant. Hurry up with my damn crescent. Tune. So, uh, the, we say quasson, but I do believe it's a, we're wrong. We are wrong because we sound like it's spelled QU.

Quasson. We're nearly saying quack. Just don't know. But then again, it's that, it's one of them things. I do, I kind of understand the jalapino thing because it's like I'm deliberately not saying it to sound like I'm trying to say it in the right accent. So if we were like, Robin Rief, would you like a croissant? It's like it's a bit too

You're a bit fucking try hard In your own kitchen in your pajamas But I get it I would just like to know But I don't think it matters I don't think there's a right answer Okay I'm starving

I'm starving Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadu Bye Hi Rosie and Chris This is called This email was subjected Pranks and Workplace Drama Nice

Just there's a couple of them Okay Longtime listener I have two stories for you Oh Starting off with the pranks Thank you My grandma

once got two rose plants delivered to her door on Valentine's Day with a note saying, hope you enjoy these, grow them in the front so you can see them every time you look out of the front window. All right? She of course thought they were from my granddad as a present. She spent all year growing them in the front garden until she woke up one morning to the roses all gone.

She ran outside to see what had happened only to find another note on the front garden wall saying, thank you for growing these for me, my wife loved them. We, collectively, 18 years later, I still don't know who was behind this and my granddad swears blind

he had nothing to do with it. However, he can't see it with a straight face so we all think it was him, one of his friends, playing a prank. What a fucking prank? Madder. That's so dark. I know.

But also, right, people are far too trusting and don't watch enough documentaries. If somebody put roses, they're laced, they're laced with drugs. They're laced with deadly, violent, you'll be ill.

Don't touch them. Report it to the police. That's what you think. No, but who's just like, oh, I'll plant these? Not what the fuck? How are the drugs going to affect you? They're outside. They're in the wind.

They're in the rain. They're in the cold. If you water them, if you touch them, if you're around them, if they're in the air, the particles. The polypals. These people, mad things, man.

No. You're one of them. You need to listen to more podcasts. No, I'm not having that. I don't think a rose can make Don't get us wrong If it was a fucking tin of soup Or you know

I have this sandwich That I've given you Fair enough But putting some plants in the guard Are you thinking that She's gonna pluck her You know prick her finger

And fall asleep for a thousand years Maybe Which one's that? So hang on Some roses have just landed On our doorstep Yeah Right

What are you doing With a little notes In grow these for us All right What form Is the drug taking That is being put in the plant and how is it going with that?

What are you doing in this scenario? Are you just, oh, let's just plant them. Do you wish you were put them so I can see? I'll tell you exactly what I will do in this scenario because this is what I do with all plants. I will leave them and I will walk past them again and again until the day of the dead and then I'll throw the pots away. That's what I'll do.

I've got, a plant is not a fucking present. It is responsibility. I haven't got time to keep something else alive getting out my fucking face. That's my theory. on plants. But would you not find it weird? Yes, because I'm a boy.

Would you plant them? No, I would walk past them until they died. But my point is, what super drug do you think could be on them that's going to get you that you can't see with your naked eye and that you don't have to eat? What's the Russians used to poison people?

You think it's going to be radioactive. Yeah. Okay, okay. So you think there's something that radioactive and you think that you're the one you to plan it. And you are working on the Snow White theory That's going to prick your finger. It's going to prick your finger and you're going to die.

It's a new species of plant that we've never heard of. Right. And it'll kill you. And they'll only want to kill you with it. Well, I don't know who these people are. You are so naive. Wake up, sheeple. Yeah.

Yeah, wake up sheeple. I'm jealous. Listen, I'll keep you alive. Don't worry. I'll not be accepting any blizzard. You keep me safe from all their roses. I will. Fogne will.

Have you ever seen Hunger Games? Oh, that documentary, Hunger Games. Yeah, yeah, it's great. That's true life, real life story. It's my favourite film, so don't say anything bad. Right, workplace drama. Oh, where then. This is juicy.

Right. Can I just say I love that prank? I love that prank. Grow these for us, and then once the coach fucking whips all the heads off. People are mad. I think that's genuinely happening. I think people are insane.

I think it was the grander, but I think it's a fucking funny prank. Really funny prank. Don't, do not, right. When we retire, don't get bored and start doing shit like that. because I just, I hate shit like that. I couldn't be honest with that. No, I know, I don't think it's your crack.

I'm not worried with that like. I'll just, I know you in the moment. I need to, I don't play the long game with pranks. I'll annoy you in the moment. I'll give you a fright, I'll say something stupid. I'm not gonna, don't worry about it. It's just weird. Don't you all right.

Anyway, I once worked at a bank. Sorry, just, just phone in the florist. I once worked at a bank. I won't say which one, but let's say their logo is a black horse. So you've said which one then. My boss at the time, was quite open about the fact he was having an affair with another woman who worked at their son's school.

Good God. Gross. People being open about affairs, no one's impressed. Oh, no. No one's impressed. I had a taxi driver the other day telling us all about his affair. I'm not impressed. I'm not impressed.

And another thing, and it's a theory I've got, I think I've sported you about this before. I've been in a situation with people years and years and years ago, people I don't really know now, but I've been in a situation with people who have been somewhere and one of the guys has been on the pole

and I've gone he's got a girlfriend though at home and they've went oh yeah boy he's in there I've gone okay and then someone's

went oh he's a nice lad though him in he and I've gone no how can he be a nice lad if he lives for someone and shares his life for someone and he's fucking them over in the biggest way possible

what's he gonna do with me? Well thank you for coming to be TED Talk and they can't keep a secret so don't tell them any of your secrets yeah yeah to make matters worse when his

son was going abroad for a sporting event, he offered to go as one of the parents, just so he could spend more time with his mistress. Oh, God. Sometime past, it says, yeah. Sometime paste. Sometime paced along quite slowly. And the mistress had had enough and wanted him to leave his children

and his wife for her. Right. Because of this, he decided to do the unthinkable in brackets. No, he didn't murder. He didn't murder her. Didn't send her roses. Okay. He called the immigration office and somehow got her deport. I don't know how he spun such a horrible lie

but she did in fact get sent back home and her work visa was taken away. I after this left the company for a better job but did keep in touch. It turns out she never found out it was him that made the call and they were back in contact and seen each other again. He would go over there twice a year for work meetings. Holy shit. That's like a drama series isn't it? That's a BBC.

That is a TV need that. That is a... Any of them. absolutely up there ITV drama isn't it? He got juicy I know

shocking that isn't that so awful I don't even know what to say about that I know that's so rotten but the fact that he's telling everyone

is that we're there now that's safe oh good hey I'll tell you what I'll just come to you from now one once twice a year on my terms

vile vile they live amongst us like it's just fucking insane isn't it anyway some people horrible

fuck babadoo babadoo babadoo babadu babadu bye hi listening in episode 326 now and something happened today that I thought Rosie would enjoy the story

me and my boyfriend have been together for 10 years he's a very softly spoken man in the beginning there was one point where I thought I had to dumb him because I had to keep saying what to everything he said that is everything he said

otherwise we have a great relationship and three children later we are still together lovely jubly better fuck speak up by any oh god this was charming at first but we're in a busy restaurant. What?

For the last couple, you're going to actually love this, right? Because I think... That's where I was I just say it. Women, you're so incredible. You're so fucking just... Mental. No, like, complicated and something like,

there was a point where... It's the hormones. There's a point where I thought I would have to dump them because he spoke to quietly. Fucking hell, man. Amazing. Absolutely amazing. You know, it was Ray.

Ray had an ear infection last week. He's deep. He's mumbling like, fuck Ronnie. Yeah. No, he can't. Yeah. The tell he was on 10 this morning. Yeah.

And he's like, I can't hear it. And I was like... You can hear it. He just wants it loud. He's full of shit. He just wants it louder. He wants to not be able to hear anything else. He wants to be able to hear it above all of the things.

He just want to have to straight in here. God, I hate how loud how I tell he is in that room. I can't be in there. It's horrible. It's horrible. Right. Right. For the last couple of years, we've had dramatics.

Okay. We've paid hundreds in a couple of counselling. Oh no. I have absolutely been convinced he has been gaslighting me by deliberately mumbling and not saying his sentences properly, right? You've got to say, when I, on the rare occasions that I mumble, you instantly hit the roof.

I hate it. Instantly. Yeah. Yeah, because you do mumble. Sometimes I do. And I'm like, I don't know what you're saying. No, I'm going. Well, just like you shout at me.

If I'm shouting from another one, you go, I can't, yeah, yeah. And I'll go, there's only a show. Oh, shit. Oh, God. I'm sorry for your thing. It's that. I'm a movie. Is that?

Oh. Hmm. Oh. Oh. Hit you. Robin's still doing that, by the way. Right. Listen.

Yeah. I would address it with him. He'd insist he hasn't and we go around in circles. Right? She thinks he's gaslighted like now. Our kids kept talking quietly too. And I had long conversations and moods with everyone. You fucking arrogant.

arrogant, arrogant cow. You arrogant cow. This, I know exactly what's happened here. Keep going, this is you. This is when you had your abscess thing. And you thought the dentist had bad breath, but it was actually the smell of your rotten abscess. You would get on with this woman,

this arrogant piece of shit who's just emailed in. She was my best friend. Right, okay. All right, go on. Oh, she's kept talking quietly too, bloody, bloody blah. Telly he was quiet. Bus driver was quiet. Cars had turned their edge.

engines down. The cinema had got quiet. Seagull's no longer made it. It was a conspiracy. Fucking arrogant bastard. Listen, listen, listen, Linda Liggin. I've sent my kids to E&Ts to rule out speech problems, which they're fine with. And I, Chris, listen, I sent my boyfriend on anger management course because of the amount he was shouting at me. Today, today on a whim And at a loose end I wandered around the shops And in the boots

They were offering out free hearing tests Like walkins Turns out I'm half deaf And need hearing aids Never in the world You fucking are The arrogance It's everyone else but me

That is It's really sad about this though The saddest thing is that she's wrote It made me think if Rosie when she's his Chris Gasselighted. It never clicked that it might be me. That's the problem. And I thought Rosie might relate to that.

I don't relate to you at all because I'm not the problem. He is the problem. And I am never wrong. There it is. So there you go. That's, I wouldn't do it. You did that. You did that.

You had an obsess lans. One time I thought the dentist had halidotocles. He had his mask on. A dentist. Can you imagine the shock when I thought, But this dentist's breath stinks. He should be really... And he was busy, literally taken a rotten tooth out of your mouth.

It was me. It was vile. Yeah. It was vahel. Wow. Yeah. So... Wow.

But that's that bad. She's getting their kids for E&Ts. That's so bad. The arrogance of that. It's unbelievable. Love her. Unbelievable. Unbelievable.

Babadoo, babadoo, babo. Thank you. much for listening and watching this week's episode of Shag Married Inouye. We're just bloody just bloody love yourself, bloody, ma. We really do. We'll hope you're still enjoying this as much as we are. We really do sit down and have an absolutely laugh. Even more at the minute, and I think it's because I'm on two

and we're not seeing each other as much. Oh my God, I'm telling you, the new way forward is 50-50. 50-50. Date nights. 60-40 in your favour. I'll have the kids 70-30. They're getting older. They're getting better. Fantastic, guys. If you want to get in touch it, Shaggd Married Anoyd at gmail.com.

And if you want to send in a voice note, it is 07-874-06650. That number is also on the podcast page where you are listening to this. Congratulations on doing your job professionally. Did you notice as well how I really slowed down the email while I opened that in my phone? God, I should be on radio to or something. It's a bloody waste. Never say never. One day you might.

You never know. There it is. That would be nice. Bye. Bye.