Sh**ged Married Annoyed - A wet one, wind on the golf course and Rosie needs a minute

Episode Date: September 25, 2026

On the podcast this week Rosie has reverted back to Pj's and fake tan! The couple discuss pigeons, rats and if it's normal to have garlic bread with every meal! Rosie chats about her new TV show and Chris shares an unfortunate event that happened on the golf course. All of this plus beefs, an Agadoo update, questions from the public and the big guns are called in to settle a dispute!! If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast, then get in touch!  📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Coming up on this week's episode of Shag Married annoyed, we talk... Pigeons in the rain. Greasy rats. Pidgions in the rain and greasy rats. I've got a new TV show. You have very exciting. Sandra weighs in on an argument. She can do one.

Chris has a golf disaster. It's the worst. We've got beefs as usual. And we've got voice notes and emails from you lovely lot, which includes possibly the worst bit of sex talk we might have ever heard. Enjoy! casino and check out the newest exclusive. The Price is Right Fortune Pick.

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Where some see heroes and other see heroes. and others see egos Bloomberg sees the era of billionaire athletes while others follow the noise we follow the money learn more at Bloomberg.com Hello you are listening and possibly watching Shagmridingoid with me Rosie Ramsey

and my husband Chris Ramsey Just for anybody watching I am in my pajamas I'm in the last two nights of pajamas They're ready for the wash And I've got me tan on Yes Okay, so this is why I look.

Mark it in your calendars, marked it down guys in your diaries. Today was the day she gave up. Yeah, I couldn't give a shit. Today was the day she finally gave up. I'm giving up in a way because what I've started doing is I've run out of shirts that I haven't wore on the podcast. Right. So what I like to do now is I wear the shirt that I've wore before

and I put a T-shirt underneath it so it looks completely different. You know what that's called? What? A console wardrobe. Really? Yeah, you're just mixing a matching. Good for you. so a wardrobe was a wardrobe full of PlayStation's and Xboxes.

Amarika, hello! He's on tour. He's on Chris Ramseycom. What colour is that? Teal? I would imagine a teal. You suit that colour. I think that could be your colour.

Do you know what isn't your colour? Don't, what? Fucking burgundy. Burgundy. Great. Right. What? First of all, don't be telling us that teal's my colour

because you know I'm obsessive and you know I'm weird with colours. You really suited. I'll be head to and teal for a... I'll be head to tone teal every single day now so don't. Am I right or am I right? I'll be bloody

Timothy Thiel right I can't be bothered I'm not changing me, my marriage certificate and all that stuff right packing in

new driver license Timothy Teele new character Timothy Tile head to tone teal so listen in I went through me notes this morning

preparing for the podcast and in honour of your new tanned up let's be honest relaxed look well hell

there is a real we're going to wait Tomorrow we're going to a friend's wedding in Legada. Very exciting. You know it's the first time since Rave that we've been away, that isn't a work trip without the kids. Is it? We've never been away, like, away away anyway, apart from, I think we've been to Northumberland a couple of times. It's always work.

Always work. Oh, my God. A train or a plane, it's always with the kids or it's always work. We've never done a plane, just me and you were not on a little trip since before Rief was born. Oh, shit. Not crazy. Guess what? What?

Guess who else is coming? Your period. Yes. she's Hello mate, Alright, it's Chris Sorry, two seconds I'm just meeting a phone call

Hello, mate, all right, it's Chris Yeah, your wedding I can't make it anymore Sorry Yeah, something's come up Something big, red and angry And not happening like, okay, Yeah, have a good day

I, yeah, all the best you and your future wife, but sorry about that. So, sorry about that. So there we go. But listen, in honour, if you knew relaxed look, yeah, I'm gonna, I went through my notes

in my phone and I found a new a new nickname that I tried on once for size with you and I don't know if you really realized it but I'm gonna hate you with it now and it's gonna be your little nickname remember when I called you

chocolate quilted shit pig just a quick I won much snap yeah but I think it really suits your luck today okay my little shit pasty who's me little how's my little shit pasty

I like it I like it what's your favorite kind of pasty don't like pasties too much too much going on I will have a how could you not like a pasty just don't like them

it's too much going on I do like I've had a sausage and bean melt a few times I do like them but yeah, they're either, no shade on Gregs, you know I love Greggs,

but they're either molten hot or freezing cold, there's no in between, you've got to catch them, I don't know how early you've got to get up to catch them,

that. I'm a sausage roll guy. I'm a sausage roll guy and if they're just teppered, I can eat about 20 of them. Absolutely unbelievable. Cold, yeah, boiling hot, yeah,

they need to be in the middle. Can't meet a Greg sausage roll, but yeah. Oh, I had one hung over in Edinburgh, but I've very rarely eat pastry anymore. Yeah. It's like, you know, when you're just trying to be good.

Well, I make col, eat pasties outside of the van when we're on tour because I'm not having pastry fucking crossed all over there. This isn't interesting. No? So let's carry on. Okay. Shit pasty has cracked the whip pasty and there we go. Guys, thank you so much

for listening. Thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for being part of the old shagged, married, annoyed world. We really do appreciate you listening. And please if you're on YouTube, it can like and rate and all that stuff and subscribe, that'll be great. Now listen without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative sponsor. And it is the time of year. The autumn is coming.

The nice weather's. Probably behind where and you're gonna see it's quite hot yesterday as well and you're gonna see more and more of this and I'm telling you it's they're interesting to look at but there's sometimes really make it sad and I can't look at them for too long this week's look at the sponsor is pigeons looking gutted in the rain oh they don't move tell you what why don't they move I keep thinking that Rosie I keep thinking they're dead yeah they blow it up and they don't go down right they sit on the on a bit of concrete or whatever and they'll hold their wings out like as if they're kind of like well

like as if they've just put a load of suitcases down and And they just fucking sit there and I'm like, is that a dead pigeon? And it's just like, the makers look, the makers feel so sad. What is that about? The look gutted. Anyone know what the pigeons are doing, emailing. They look fucking devastated. And I can't remember if it's like a protection thing.

Maybe they get a wash. I don't know. Maybe they're getting a wash. Maybe they're fluffing up their little feathers to get a wash. I don't know what it is, but they're just like. It's horrible. You look out, the look hung over. I know.

Like, is that pigeon hanging out of its ass? I'm sick. at the fly in our windows all the time. It's so upsetting. Anyone out there, if you've got a big patio door, they'll fucking smash it on. Do you see the one on the air

downstairs sitting room door? Yeah. Where the guts and that. All his dinner. What? No, I didn't see. All he's dinner. All his dinner.

He was to hit the window with such speed. All his dinner came out. I had to wash it up. I've got a picture of it. Hello? Absolutely disgusting. I mean, you're all right? Like, is he dead?

All he's dinner? All he's dinner. Look at you're going to die. It was on the window. To the point where Robin was like, it was a few days I hadn't washed it off and Robin was like, Mom, are you going to wash that off? Is that bad?

There's stuff you get away with when I'm not here. Honestly. What do you mean? It's a fucking lawless wasteland when I'm not here. Give me say this, I need to say it. Well, that gives one minute. Is it safe to put on, is it safe to post on now? Will you be able to show people later?

Yeah, I think so. Hang on. Looker. This is dinner. Oh, for fuck sake. God, what are the, covered in? What is the white residue that they leave on my windows?

Oh my God! Oh, it's like running down. Oh, that's horrible. Sorry to everyone. I know it's a podcast. I know it's an audio medium but that is that is rotten. Sometimes, can't be honest with you, sometimes they hit the window and it looks like, you know, them big wing

graffities that people all stand in front of and get the photos to them. Oh yeah, it's... It looks fucking majestic sometimes. It does look quite nice, but when you go wash it off, they're a dusty bird. They're a dusty bird. Well, it's like um, rats. right they've got a lot of grease on them they've got loads of grease on them

do you know why I told you about that didn't I because the stick rats like stick to the walls and like in the sewers and that they're just on the wall just like gathering all of the shripe and all of the they don't stick to the wall

you mean the hug the wall yeah yeah yeah yeah so if you've got mice or rats in your house don't put a rat trap or a mousetrap in the middle of the room it's never gonna go there they stay on that out yet who said stick to the walls

like like you know them jelly things them stick you things just to get when you're a kid and you can throw them and they would stick on the wall and our kids throw them in the stick or like that. They stay next to the wall. They stay next to the wall.

Fucking spider man. Hang out on the periphery. Spider rat. Does whatever the spider rat does. There it is. Right, good. Let's get the interrel and let's crack on. We had to fight about the jingle jing-gong. We couldn't set along a jingle

jingle. So this is the jingle jingle. We're hoping You like the jingo Jingo Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba Jingo! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode.

Hope you're all well, hope you're all keeping well, keeping canny, kids are back at school. Life is nice. Blah, blah, blah. Blahdy, blah, y. Listen, straight away, I just want to say thank you to everyone who's been coming to me

to our shows so far. They've been absolutely fantastic. Still loads more. Still loads more to go. I was going through the diary with me, ma'am. It's just a lot of... A little shake on. Oh God.

Well, because actually big news, you've got a TV show to announce. I do, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Twice the food, half of the price. Do you want to give everyone a little, a little taste of what it is?

Yeah, so it's going to be on Channel 4 next year. Yeah. And it's in connection with little. Yeah. And it's just trying to half people's shopping bills. At a time when food's extremely expensive. Absolutely. Absolutely.

And it's just showing people better ways to cook. and to get more value for their money because we're working with a chef, board of lunch, Nathan. Yeah. Lovely guy. I met him last week. Nice.

And he's going to be preparing all of the food. And we're going to go around the country and we're going to meet loads of families, which I'm really looking forward to. Because you know, I'll watch all these type of programmes. When you said you're doing it, it's right up your street. I know. So I'm really excited and we're going to chat to them

and see what the crack is and try to get their shot and bills down. Well, there we go. And I'm going to get to eat loads. I love chefs. you know, I'm so excited. Like literally. Love knocking about with chefs, yeah. Like, my favourite times on telly have been on cook reprograms.

Oh yeah, yeah. And I'm just sort of like, so now we just eat it all. Brilliant. Yeah. So I'm really looking forward to it. It's a bit different for me. I'm not working with you. Oh, I'm going to.

Nick off. Knicking off. I'm going to start on your podcast with Nathan. Brilliant. Knicking off twice. Yeah. Did you ever have that when you were a kid? Other kids when you went and knocked around

some other kid would call you a nick off. Nicking off. Look at you're nicking off. It was like, it was like, it was the predecessor the new friends or ooh, friend. I wonder if these scenes are still a thing, nickin off. No, I don't think nickin off is because even when I said it to you, you didn't know what the fuck was going on.

No, I did, sorry, I was just already, I was already gutted about how badly I explained the TV program that I'm about to do. Great. So I'm already thinking ahead, thinking why have I just said all of that? Do you want to do it again? Nah.

Nah. There's the authenticity. It would be really nice and it would be good fun and I'm genuinely looking forward to it. Brilliant. Yay! Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Well, I have been having a lovely time on tour.

I know, yeah. At this point, honestly, it's more of a golf trip with some gigs on the night is the best way I can describe it. What? Just nothing. Oh, great. She's remembered a beef.

It's more of a golf trip with gigs on the night but I'm not out there, Rosie, having a lovely time 100% of the time when I'm out there. Right. One of the worst things to, ever happened to me before a game of golf happened the other day and I've been saving it and I hope you enjoy it. There's a little bit of what's it called shut and Freuda.

Oh yeah? Yeah, because... You shit yourself? No. Um... Stop it. Do you get stiffy on the gold? I've always got stiffy on a golf course. Don't take clubs. Just hit it with me dick. Um... You're horrible. This podcast is horrible. You said it. You said it. So listen, um, I was before you go on to the, yeah, there a bit early you're signing and there's normally a little putting green you know know like what you said we're getting our garden um with loads we're not getting a putting in the garden we are not getting a putting chris chris chris guys she'll come out it's not no it's not happening she'll come up guys are you actually taking the piss because

we'll have we've had a discussion about it so so of me and the guys at you can fuck off no because this is what he does this is what he does don't don't don't I'm not going to always just joking. Don't because do you know what it is? This is what, oh, right, okay, there's a spindle missing on our staircase, right? A spindle, it's been missing. What, Robin was...

Kicked it out. Robyn, kicked it out. Like a psychopath. Yeah, he was hanging on something anyway. Turner and Hooch. It's been missing for months. Yeah. I don't feel like I'm up to the job of fixing that, right?

I can't fix a spindle. I'm not a joiner. You could stable it or something or glue it or something. Stable it. He's fucking snapped the whole thing. Right, okay. I guess the one, but yeah. I'm busy, man.

No, because what will happen is you'll organise just things for yourself so you probably will have had a man to look round at the garden without my knowledge and you'll be planning this little shitty little putting green on the lawn. He's out there now, dig me. But you won't fix that spindle on the staircase? Yeah, because

I don't care about the spindle. I don't understand what you don't. This is very, it's very simple. I don't care about the spindle. You live in squalor. And as well, when you're not here, it's so much tidier. You are a messy person. You love to say it's me. when you're not here, this house is nipping when you're here.

It's a clip. I'm telling you right now, everything the last seven years is all bullshit. You've tried to gas-lit me, right? Gas-light. You tried to gas-light me into saying that I'm messy and all this shit.

When you're not here, immaculate. I... You use seven pans to cook a fucking breakfast. I swore I was never going to tell you that this was said because I didn't want you to ever fall out with your mom. Don't...

But your mom said to me, when you were aware, the other week. You were away for a few days and I was in and she came round and she said E, you can tell Rosie's not here because it's dead tidy. She said that in my face and I'm throwing her under the bus because you are full of shit.

She can fuck off. You are full of shit. She can't fuck off. She's ringing her. It's tense. This is bullshit. It's not. It's you. It's you. It's messy. It's not me. Why's not answering? It's not ringing?

Why's not ringing? I don't. I don't have, I've got no service. Why is it not working? I'll ring her. Let me use your phone. It's not Chris, it's me. Hi. Oh, hello. Hello, question. Did you say to Chris that the house is tied yet when I'm not here? Yes.

Yes! I don't think that's true. Oh, what did you see after? Oh, what did you see after? Oh, this is bullshit. What I've seen now? Basically said, because he said, eh, mine, don't see that. I should be upset. I went there. I said, I said, yes, I'm standing here,

talking here, is he emptying the dishwash? I said, look here. So he's basically going around cleaning while I'm standing there. And I went, that's why the house is tidy when you're not there, because he's basically got a brush up his ass, constantly. But I don't agree. When he's away, it's actually tied you. Manny uses about six pans to make an omelet.

Yes, but he cleans the bath for himself. Yeah, there it is. So do I. Nah. No. No. No. It was a very astute, correct observation

and you should be commended for how observational you are. Okay, fair enough. There you go, man. Bye. Bye. Thank you, Sandra. Love you.

Bye. Remember, you're my mom, not here. Tell them, tell them, it's only you have a glass of wine. Exactly. She never offers me a glass of wine. Oh, yeah, but he doesn't. Drinks his best stuff.

Kiss me out of him. All right. All right, love you, bye. Love you, babe. So, Let's all just take stock of what just happened. What happened was you started talking some shit and I proved you wrong.

Honestly though, I feel like when you're not here, it is tidier. Yeah, well, yeah, yeah. That's lovely that you feel that. Thank you for voicing it. But as we've just found out, you're wrong. Now, I have been...

I don't think I'm wrong. It genuinely is like you use so much stuff you use everything. You just use everything. You don't make the bed? Oh, that doesn't count. You don't, Prince, you constantly leave like beard hairs all over the sink.

Ah, we're talking about kitchen and living spaces. We're not talking about sinks and stuff. Well, I'm talking about the whole house. Ah, okay. Okay. How good do you are? What an absolute bitch. No, she's such...

She's lying. So we'll have a quick babadoo bar and maybe an ad so that it calmed down. I'll come back and tell you why I had a terrible day of golf. Complete fucking lie. All right, what happened to golf? No, come on.

I'm all right. I'm over it. You're going to enjoy it. You're going to enjoy it, Rosie. Right? So there's a... Judas. There's a...

There's a putting green and everyone's all the putting green. And there's a path that goes next to putting green and there's a wall. So it's quite narrow. Loads of people that put their bags there. And people are practicing putting and everyone's waiting to tee off.

And there's a guy standing and he's got his back to my bag and I sort of walk around the back of my bag so he's standing looking at the putting green and then there's a little bit of path my bag wall it's not much space and I get in between him in my bag

and I'm getting down on all fours getting stuff out of the bottom of my bag golf bag by the way not just a backpack no no it's a golf bag and I'm down after I'm getting balls out the bottom little thing of the bag and this man I don't know knocked out the biggest fart

basically into my face why? He didn't realise I was there he literally I've got stop at right right it was I'm this is fucking 10 o'clock in the morning right just pf yeah and I just turned and I stood up and looked at him and he went oh sorry mate I didn't I didn't know there was anyone there I was I felt like being sick so how he farted in your face right in me fucking mouth why didn't you tell us

because I've been saving it for this yeah literally like I like bolted up right and I looked at him and he went oh he fucking no sold it he went oh sorry mate I don't know he was there and I went oh thanks man mate you know he's a nutter and then he turned back around you know you are there he's nuts he's just he's held that fart and he's just he wants to fart in your face unbelievable I can't believe someone farted in you miss rosy it was at the first three holes I couldn't play golf you know me I couldn't play golf I was thinking about his diet I was thinking about you don't shake people's hands you don't mind someone farting you

have someone's feces particles telling you probably went to my mouth did it smell yeah smelled a bit I was devastated and we're outside as well I was just like still big It was honestly It was horrible It was horrible It was horrible It was absolutely And I saw him in the bar

Afterwards And I like look at him As if to go like He was just like look there And just didn't know so let It didn't even recognise it If I accidentally farted in someone's face I would shut my eyes and see them

I know I don't think you can fart in someone Even would have known you are there You can it man Maybe he was trying to sneak it out quietly And it made a noise But it was It was horrible

it's up there with the worst starts at any morning I've ever had ever horrible he told Robin no Robin don't die Robben I told Carl in the two of hand Carl was just like are you fucking serious I was like yeah he was like that's horrendous

I've never had anyone fart on me face that's so bad The spitting and farting that goes on on the golf course It's disgusting used to be a gentleman's game It's gone downhill I don't know what's going on Wow Hockling farting

Chris Most people, you hear it, you hear it, like, or no other than you think, they're going to shit their pants. It's insane. Insane. It's your fucking violent. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba. Visit BetMGM Casino and check out the newest exclusive.

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BetMGEM operates pursuant to an operating agreement with Eye Gaming Ontario. It's time for What's your Bebe. What's your Beep? What's your beep? What's your beep? Beef, beef. Now, I haven't been here and I've been away gigging on my tour, Chrisamsiecomcom, for tickets.

So I can't imagine you've got any problem with me at all. I know there's a few. There's a few. I'm still upset about my mom being a... What can I say? Two-thirds. Two-thirds. Judas bitch.

Two-thirds. Judas bitch. Very good. New band name. Anyway. Come on then. What's your problem? So, no, it's like...

It's not horrendous. Okay. But it's been the last few times. So I very much make most of the meals. Okay. And every time that... Oh. Oh.

Do you know what? I'm sorry. I apologize for this one. Tell everyone what it is and I do apologize. Like, okay, if you're listening and you make the dinner in your house, it takes, it takes a real,

cooking is like a real skill to make sure that everything's hot at the same time. Yeah. Like, I've got timers going off, you know, every other minute, putting your stupid goddamn garlic bread in. And like...

Still having garlic bread with every meal, everyone, by the way, just sooner. How, I don't even know how you think. You forgot to do it last night, but I let you off. Would you have had garlic? Oh, yeah. It was not a meal to have garlic bread with.

Every meal is a meal to have garlic bread with, apart from pizza. Salmon, Hasselback potatoes and cabbage. You're having garlic bread? 100%. Oh, you're absolutely. How are you thin? How? How?

Anxiety and golf and jihitsu. God, anyway. So, yeah, so. In months, I need to go back. I know. So cooking, it just takes ages and it's like you need everything to be at the right temperature. And then I'll say to you, I'll shout or whatever. and I'll say like dinner's ready and you're like oh I'm coming

and you're just doing something else and you just tidy you normally because I'm such a tidy person don't push it I'm not in mood not in the fucking mood today it's just upsetting because I'm like I've just spent ages making this tea and one I'm sat eating it on my own and two it's just getting cold yeah I apologize and you're the kind of person you're the kind of nobody

you're the kind of nutter who would come and be like oh it's cold I'd be like you've you know what it is I I apologize. No, I apologize. I was taking the bins on stuff like that. Yeah, yeah, very good. Chores, stuff around the house. No, you were sorting out the hot tub? I didn't need sorting out at all.

Do it after you've ate your tea. Okay, I've just, again, the guy from the place did say it was the best kept residential hot tub he's ever seen. And that does put pressure on and you keep that standard up for the next time they come around to do anything with it. But yeah, no, when you're, I apologize, when you're nice, I didn't think of it, when you're nice enough to cook dinner for us to not be, like, ready and waiting when it's there, to have it just sitting on the plate and be fanning on. It's very rude and I do apologise. That's rude.

So there we go. Thank you for apologising. What's your beef with me? My beef with you. I had one in the cock and locked and ready to rock. But then I've replaced it with something that happened just this morning. Not entirely your fault, but I was fuming about it. I haven't done anything?

You have. So this morning. I can't wait to fart on your face. In Lake Garda, in bed when you're asleep. I'm going to, I'm honestly. I'm going to have six boiled eggs I'm going to brew that's disgusting

the fuck I'm going to fart right in your face and then you're going to go oh I'm going to go oh sorry I'm going to go fucking nonchalant twat that he was

can just say by the way everyone in between record Rosie was like still reeling about it and I just said you're probably the fifth person who's face he'd farted on that day just thinking that's his thing I think he does it anyway

so my beef with you um you bought online which is very lovely because we're all a bit wired in our house and Robin had these clickers these little it's like a little it's like three sort of keys from an old-fashioned keyboard four keys from an old fashion keyboard on a little clicker's like a fidget toy and so Robin had one and you were using it because it's amazing I like it as well have you seen my fingers yeah because you bite them I need like a fidget thing yeah great so you obviously bought them

I noticed that they came in like a pack of three or something for. Well, so you bought enough to basically have Robin one, me, one, you one, and it was like, oh, we've all got one each, which was lovely and we had it this morning. We did a bit clicking. Have I done? Both kids took them in the car on the school run this morning, right?

Yeah. I'm not kidding. I can still hear it. Is it like working in an office? I can still hear it. It was non-stop, relentless clicking of little keyboards. It was like working in some way,

like a word processing thing. Or do you know what? Like mad men or something? Not like mad men. The typewriters. Yeah, the typewriters world. The women work is like, shh, shh, shh, shh, ch-ch, ch-ch.

I find that quite relaxing though. I find the sound like relaxing. You're trying to navigate the traffic on a morning. It was fucking horrible. Non-stop. It was like, you know, that thing? You know, people say, if you give infinite monkeys,

infinite typewriters an infinite amount of time that eventually come up with the works of Shakespeare. It was like the soundtrack of that. It was like what that would sound like. Right, okay. Oh. It's just not like you. You'd get wound up.

By something really small. But I'm really enjoying it and I know it's like probably a good thing just to chill them before school so I put up with it but I was just like anyone had beeped at us and I cried

at a burst in tears. It's just not like you. So this is what someone who's obsessed about this podcast I end up being like the really vocal one and you are, you're a mess? Yeah, that's fine.

No, but you don't, this is not the real him by the way. What did you mean? Because you come on here and actually you put a, This is all a show. You put a show on. You're a mess.

Oh yeah, of course. But that wouldn't be funny. I mean, it's funny. Sometimes I let it out now and then. But then I just turn it off like a light switch. Just go click. So yeah. So yeah, you know, nice that you got everyone one.

And thank you. I have been using mine. But yeah, it was just, it was a lot. It was a lot. It's fine. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public?

Pop, ba, pop, pop, pop. As always, if you like, get in touch. MaridenOid at Gmail.com to send a long form email or if you'd like to stretch them vocal codes and send us a WhatsApp message. I'm just stretching this out. Sounds like local radio. Yeah, well, it's because while I'm picking my phone up

to get the number, I have to sort of make a really long thing. Anyway, if you want to send a voice note, it's 07874-40-6650. Keep them coming. We're absolutely loving. Thank you. What are you got here? I've got a voice note. On the subject of... I don't know.

Okay. I don't listen to them. Because it might be, for the... the new section. Oh, I've got other ones but this is in front of the new section. Right, because before we do the new section, I told you I would have some

new names to workshop for it and I do have some new names to workshop for the section. Oh, my God. Okay. Okay, just give us one second. What's the matter? I feel like up a height.

I'm like pissed off and I don't want to be. I just need like a minute. Nice. Just let's have a minute. And you as well, you've pissed us off as well. So I'm just having a minute. Guys, just kiss them.

Should we just have a minute? Should we just have a minute? What you're pissed off about? Just you? You? And me, ma'am. I shouldn't have pulled out the big guns. I should have just tucked out on the chin.

I'm really sorry. I should have just took it on the chin. You messy little cut. I just love the audacity of Sydney with your tan on and your jawmas claiming I'm the messy one. It's fucking white. It's psychotic. You empty the dishwasher and that

and you're a bit anal about stuff like that but you never carry the washing upstairs. You're not fitting that spindle. You can't see it. You don't plump the cushions. Yes, I'm very much stuff you can see. No, you just, you never wipe the bench. Tell her that.

You never, there's constantly crumbs whenever you've cooked on that bench. All right, man. I'm so upset about it. It's come back. It's come back. Right, okay. No, because I was having a minute.

I'm going to have to have one more minute. Right, one more. you want to turn the recording and everything no time just chill right ready you better be nice to me on this holiday I'll be lovely I will literally I'll be lovely I will literally bar anything

Hi Kristen Rosa so I'm just listening to your episode what are you talking about Agadu and I just wanted to let you know that Agadu still lives over here in South Yorkshire it is played at children's parties

discos it was also played every week when my children used to go to dance class I used to use it as a warm-up I think now the only problem is my children and they're stubborn little shits are adamant that the words for the song are two two to two apples and a tree I've got two fucking way that's horrible wow that's just how it is that's so annoying That is so fucking annoying The word agadu Is a nonsense word

And a nonsense refrain From the song's catchy chorus Agadu do do do push pineapple shake the tree It does not have a literal translation In English So that's annoying Oh god Oh no

What 1984 I actually thought it was older than that Good grief That's irritating I've got two That's so annoying And you know how our kids

Would do that I know that's why Yeah they're the words Yeah awful I've got two oh and they have to sing it ick a pair of them

I've got two two two I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts there they are standing in a row big one small one some as big as your head I think he was talking about tits

yeah I think I don't know couldn't tell you but for sure you well hi Chris and Rosie please keep me anonymous long time listener first time emailer. A lot of first time emailers

actually. Thank you. Which is amazing. Coming out of woodwork. Thank you so much. Having listened to your new section. Oh no, no. No. Oh, then. So, pause this. I've got all of the names for the new section. Come on. Right. We'll have to pick one because okay, we're getting sent loads of really good ones.

Yeah. I won't oversaturate the podcast with them. Yeah. Because you know. They are fun though. Right. But I'm really enjoying them. Are you? I just love, again, I love the concept that someone has said something in passing. I've said it to Carl for years. I've said, because we, obviously we've done this for ages,

I say like, if these people had any idea that a thing they randomly said in passing that they thought nothing of has become literally part of our fucking culture as a, as a friendship. Yeah. It's amazing. Okay. Laughs from the past.

Love it. Okay. We can do better. Slogan from the olden days. No. Okay. Remember, remember. This is like, this is like, um, Caliphorks. Remember, remember, remember. Remember, remember what that person said in September or whatever month it was. It's too long.

It's the same as what it was. I'm the first one. Catch phrases from the past days. I like that one. Okay. Nice. Okay. Catch phrases from the past days.

That's cute. What I've done here with this one, and this is what was laughing at before we started recording and you said, what are you laughing at? And I said, I can't tell you. I've just done this one as an acronym, so it's just the letters of the words, but I haven't written down what the words are, so I don't actually know what. It just says,

what, wops, wops twist, but I don't know what the, I don't know what the words are that I've said. No, what are you talking about? Wops twist.

So it's like words other people said, Wops, no. Oh, words other people said that we still say today. Wops twist. Hated. What was the one before? Two seconds.

Random words from passing years. Hmm. Okay. ages ago someone said this and I've been seeing it ever since since that's it there's a couple more this one um

ages ago someone said something and I've been saying it that's my favourite well no I've now got a more succinct version of the one I've just said it's two words shorter so it might be better someone said this once and I've said it ever since no ages ago really or I've got Sost

Sostowas Not acronyms. Stop. The acronyms do not work on a speaking thing. Okay. Okay. So ages ago, someone said this and I've been saying it ever since. Right.

Okay, so the section is called... In a Yorkshire accent. Ages ago. Ages ago. Someone said this and I've been saying it ever since. That's a whole one. That's a whole accent. Yeah.

Ages ago. Yeah. Someone said this thing and I've been saying it ever since. There we go. Put a beat to it. Age ago. We get Lucy Beaumont to record the voice notes. Yeah.

Can you put a beat to it? No. Next question. He's a fucking cunt. You're a cunt. I would never say the same word on this podcast. I don't want to say the word on. I said it earlier on. Right.

Listen. So, this is for the new segment. Ages ago, someone said something I've been saying it since. Something like I. Yeah. We've already forgotten it. I shared this story with a colleague of mine. We were close and it makes me cringe to this day.

Right. When I was in my late teens, maybe 18, 19. Is that late teens, I guess, but you're pretty, you're an adult, aren't you? But it's late, it's definitely late. Do you call yourself a late teen at night? How old are you? 19, I'm a late teen. No, you're not.

Late teen is like 15, 16. Not 19. You're a fully fledged grown up. Get a grip. You're an adult. You're right. You're late teen. Because 18 being adult, I would say 16, 17 is late teens.

And then I would say 18th, 29. No. What? 19. I mean, probably is because it's still teen, but I just think you're not a late teen. I know what you mean. I know what you mean.

Yeah. Frontal lobes and probably late teen. Probably developed. On paper, I don't know what you mean. If you're like, if you're 19 going around calling yourself a teenager, I'd be like, however. Yeah, exactly.

Yeah. Yeah. You can vote. Like, no. Shut of them. Right. I was working at a pub and I had a fling with one of the landlord's friends

who was about 15 years. as my senior. Also a late teen. A late late teen. Late late teen. We met up a couple of times and on one of the dates I went to his for Netflix and Chill before Netflix existed. I see that.

He's only 35 this fella, 34. She's late 18 and she's 18 19 and he's 15 years I've seen you. He's 33, 34. Oh, he's not a late 18. It's fully flesh man. No, that's late late 18. Late late 18. That's how it works.

So she's 38 now for context, by the way. Well, one thing led to another, and we ended up getting down to business. It was all going... Just tax returns and... Just... Landlord shit. Just flashing out a new idea that I had for a coffee shop.

Business. I think they talked about sex. No. There can't be. Yeah. It was all going well, and I thought, older really is better.

Oh, God. That's a good compliment. Until he turned to me halfway through and said, Oh. Oh. You're a wet one, aren't you? Oh, for fuck sake. That's so, that's so upsetting.

You're a wet one, aren't you? Do you know what I'm going to do from now on, is that? Whenever I see a pigeon gutted in the rain, I'm going to see that. I'm not open the window, go, oh, you're a wet one. Oh, God. That is so upsetting. It must have been good, though, if she is wet. It says, I've never dried up so quickly in my life.

Needless to say, I never saw him again. But this is so now, whenever me and my colleague, talk now friend talk about anything juicy slash gossip or a little saucy she turns to me and says oh she's a wet one isn't she he'll never know oh that's gross in it oh you're a wet one aren't you no stop stop she's a millennial we don't like that kind of stuff again dare I see it I'm not going to workshop what he could have said instead, but dare I say it, if he just phrased it, just slightly different.

Yeah. So it doesn't sound like... Probably could have been a lot sexier. Yeah, yeah. You're a white one, aren't you? No, no, no. Yeah. How old is he?

34. Unc-unc vibes. Oh, gross. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babo. Hi, hi, Rosie and Crisp, please keep me anonymous. Hi. It's another one for the new section. Get it.

In 2003, my now husband and I bought our first home in Northumberland. Oh. Very nice, very nice. We were in our early 20s. The house was at the end of a terrace of houses and the only access was at the opposite end of the terrace down some steps and you had to walk in front of everyone else's houses.

Go again. The end of a terrace. Right. The only access was at the opposite end of the terrace down some steps and you had to walk in front. I understand. Yes. I've seen these before.

I've seen these. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So you can't, like, you can't just go off the street. You have to kind of, like, go down and along. Right. In front of everyone else's houses. Yeah. Delivery men love it.

Oh, best. We hadn't long since moved in when our neighbor, a single woman, very quietly spoken, and probably mid-forties, knocked on our door. She invited us for supper one evening. So being new at the area and wanting to feel part of the community, we agreed a date. That's such a Northumberland invite. Come around for supper. Come around for supper.

Who's her? Other than our 10 and 5 year old, who's eating supper? Yeah, what is supper? I mean, what supper is when me and you just sit and eat. Be healthy at 5 o'clock. So, yeah, summer is exactly what happens when me and you go, let's have salmon and veg at 6. And then by 8 o'clock, we're fucking...

You're on the cheese toasties. I'm on the cheese toasties, you're on your fourth bowl of popcorn. Oh, my God. Oh, that was fucking pointless. Yeah, utterly, utterly pointless. Would be better off waiting and getting to take away at 9 o'clock. I know. Like...

But you're told... Eat earlier, so you're... stomach can digest. I'm like, I'm clamming by nine o'clock. Exactly. Wake up a bed, screaming. Anyway. Sipper. Sapping. Do you sup? Do you sup? Yeah.

The evening came when we were due to go around. We bought the obligatory bottle of wine to take with us. We walked out of our front door, stepped over onto her path and knocked on the door. The evening was never going to be natural and started off well. What? Hang on. The evening was never going to be natural. But started off well. with the woman asking the usual questions where we grew up,

what we did as jobs, etc. But things got strangers and I progressed. We shared, sorry, she shared that she had worked as a nanny in London, but had moved to Northumberland after she had lost her job under uncomfortable circumstances. We didn't ask what they were. She told us tea would be fish pie,

but she pronounced it fish pwai. She then disappeared into the kitchen and started making it from scratch. Oh, fuck off. From scratch. I wouldn't say either of us were huge fish eaters, but we decided not to say anything out of politeness. My husband and I were sat in her living room,

are able to chat with each other, but feeling more and more uncomfortable about the situation. After three hours... Go and piss off. We were pushing 10 o'clock hunger had long since passed. Tea was served. She kept asking us questions about the fish poise. Do we like fish poy?

Had we had fished pie before? Pwai, poy. Pahy Delilah. It was her signature dish when she was the nanny about me. Do you mean dwish? Dwish. It got to 11pm and both my husband and I were at the point where we had established this lady was pleasant but strange. Time to leave.

We started making excuses. We stood up to go and walked towards the front door which was in the kitchen. She blocked the route before starting to look in her pockets of the apron and on the kitchen services before declaring she had lost the key to the door. Go on fuck off. We suggested going out the back. Not an easy exit over a stone wall. But we just wanted to get out. This is a hostage situation.

She told us to the daughter the back doesn't open. Maybe we should stay over and in the morning she will find the keys. No. Look for them now. All of you look for them. My husband and I exchanged glances before both announcing we would help her find the key. After what felt like an hour and with no look finding it, we were about to give up hope when she suddenly takes her apron off and outfalls the king.

Oh my God. My husband died for it. Picked it up and walked briskly. the kitchen grabbing my hand and unlocking the door. We shout her goodbye and thanked her for the fish pye. Goodbye. Good boy, making sure we pronounced it exactly the same way as she did. We live next door to her for five years.

Oh God. And the incidents became stranger and stranger. We never went around for dinner again, but whenever we get invited anyway, we will always say, do you think there'll be fish pwine? Even our children now 18 and 20 say the same when any reference to choosing a meal or going around to someone's house. That's great. of the woman who serves fish pwai.

That's so ridiculous. What a bizarre story. Isn't it? Wow. Do you like fish pwai? Pui? Again, again, see, you slag me off,

but you know I would go, do you mean pie? Why you say, Pye? I know you would. I'd say, why you're saying Puy? What the fuck? What is, is it? I go, sorry,

can we fundamentally, can we, like, get at the bottom of this? Is it a fish pie or is it something different to a fish pie called a fish p'i or are you saying pwai instead of pie? That would be my question.

I think she's just trying to be posh. Right, but I would have to say, is this a fish pie or is a fish pye something different? No, I think it's just, I know, but I would have to ask it. It's like the queen, I'm earth, earth. I'm elf.

I'm ive. I know what you mean. So, yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I have a traumatic. experience example of being betrayed by technology. Oh God.

Every year I go on holiday with my family. It's only weekend, but it's all the family. Grandma and his cousins, et cetera. We all stay at the hotel together. Lovely. One morning, me and my partner went back to bed after breakfast. We're not mourning people in brackets. My dad sent us a message asking where we were.

I responded. Well, I thought I responded. We're just having a nap. My phone auto-corrected this to we're just having anal. Horrific. What made it worse is that my dad was with my grandma and aunties. So when we walked from our nap and came down, my grandpa then went to us,

we've heard what you've been up to. Worst day of my life. Oh, you're a wet one, aren't you? Oh, God, oh my God. I don't think I would like, I don't think I would like, you're a wet one, aren't you? No. Especially on like a one-night stand.

No, I don't think I would like it. It's very... Especially because he was an old abloat. It would be like... It's just creepy. It gives Yoda vibes. What do you mean? Just Yoda like,

Mm-hmm. A wet one, aren't really? Like, to me, it's pervy. Yeah. Well, yeah, of course. But yeah, it's, rather than just saying, Oh, you're a feisty one, aren't you?

It's that. Yeah, it's awful. Yeah, it's not nice at all. It's awfully, awfully framed. And also, it's like, it's, the way it's worded is, oh, I've slept with loads of women. You're one of the wet ones.

Like, it's just like monkey. That's a really good point. That's where my brain goes to. It's the comparison. Yeah. That is in the phrase. You're not all the same, but you're just wet there. Yeah.

Oh, God. It's gross. It's, it gives, it paints a really quick picture of he's going down a long line of women checking and he's telling them each what they are and he's getting her and going, you're what one, aren't you? Because these 40 odd that I've just checked weren't as, yeah. It's horrible. It's horrible. Yeah. Everyone needs to not use phrases.

that you're a such and such aren't you should be buried and dead and buried get rid especially in a sexual scenario yeah get rid it's awful it's awful it's like you would go to it's like you're feeding a litter of puppies and one of them's fucking going for it and you go oh you're a hungry one aren't you it's that it's the same yeah it's horrible it's horrible it's horrible I love that we've had to revisit it we've had to digest it with a couple of stories then we've had to revisit it and really take it apart it's there yeah I'm thinking about it I wish someone could just fart on my face to delete it all not you the office yeah no you have to be a good goal

Oh, okay. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Chris and Rosie, just a quick email with a nursing story that I hope you'll enjoy. Oh, always. It's not rude, it's just, it's... Just nice to hear from that profession.

Always is. I do need a pump, so just if you do want the face fart, let me know. Honestly, I've had enough face farts to last a lifetime. If I go to my grave without any head being farted on again, I'll be very happy.

Whilst working on a busy surgical ward, I was looking after a posty who had had his fingers bitten off, finger bitten up by a dog when posting a letter. Awful. It says, thought that only happened in films or cartoons.

Clearly not. It's gone right through me that. He'd been quite sad throughout the shift as he was hoping to change careers to become a guitar teacher. No fucking way. And this would be quite difficult with two less fingers on his left hand.

I'd been with them all day, and had created quite the bond with him and his wife. I've been really careful with what I said as he was quite tearful at whatever anyone said. Oh, this is horrible. His wife kept giving me looks over his shoulder and rolling her eyes

whilst giving him hugs. You're all a bunch of dicks. As I was leaving my shift, I popped in to say goodbye. I wished them well and said all the best for his future in guitar. Unfortunately, what I said next haunts me even to this day

and gave me several sleepless nights afterwards. Oh God, no. I turned to him and said... Hold on, hold on, hold on. Uh... What could it be? Don't guess, because you always guess it right. Okay, okay.

You're going to ruin the story. Something along the lines of keep your chin up, but not that. But come on. Stop. Right. Stayed with that for ages. I turned to him and said, hope the operation goes well tomorrow

and fingers crossed for the future. I've got second-hand embarrassment. Oh, no. He looked me dead in the eye. as I had to collect my jaw from the floor and he burst into tears. No. His wife luckily found it hilarious

and laughed uncontrollably, Jesus. I, however, was mortified. I'm sure you both have things you've said that have stayed with you for years. I'm not kidding, I've gone all cold. I've gone all cold. Stuff like that. Stuck, yeah.

Oh, this'll cheer you up. Bonus. Dot, dot, dot. During COVID we had an increase in people shoving things up their ass and getting stuck here's a few of our favorites. This will chie up. This is stuff that's being stuck with people's eyes,

during the global pandemic. Yeah, well, yeah, but... Come on. No, but I thought, for a second... Letting shade! Latin shade! For a second day, and I'm not a medical man,

for a second day, although he said, I thought you were gonna say if this cheers you up, during COVID, we had an influx of people losing their ends of their fingers and we sent them some fingers

and we got some new fingers. That's what I thought was gonna happen. He probably won't ever teach you a time, although he might, no. He changed it. Just change away. Use that hand to... Oh, I don't know.

Bless his heart. That's really sad. That's made me upset. Come on. Cheer. Right. one thing that can cheer up, me up, and that is a list of things stuck up people's ass during COVID

when they were in the house born. That's my boy! Come on! That's my boy. Ready? Yeah. Onion. Awful.

What are you doing? Stop it. You can't... There's no purchase to get that back out once it's past the point of no return. An onion. Maniac. Maybe put it in a condom and keep hold of the other end of the condom, tie some kind of string round it.

The stingiest of the vegetables. Awful. Just awful. So is it with the... Onion? I've had... Right. Anyone out there. When you're peeling an onion, sometimes the little bit of the little skin can go under your fingernail.

A little bit sharp. And it's got that fucking little tuft of hair on it as well, tuft of straw. Horrible. Awful. Just the worst. Prison, prison. Full can of fosters. I'm impressed.

A soft play ball. Awful. Oh, like the little soft play balls. Awful. Not that little. Not that little size of a fist. A Barbie. Terrible.

Got stuck as the arms contracted like Jesus on removal. Like a fucking bottle. Well, there must have been down like that and then she's come out and... She's put her arms in the hell she just doesn't care. Yeah. Barbie shouldn't do what she wants.

That's how the design, like, that's how the design, the, um, roll plugs like go in plasterboard. Yeah. It's genius. Yeah. God, why are you sticking to Barbie at her ass?

I didn't. I didn't. Why? Not you. Oh, sorry. Did I protest that too much? Several vibrators, some stuck on vibrate.

Um, again, no judgment on the vibrators. weirdly. That's what they're for. It's what it's for. Stick them up your ass as much as you want. Plenty lube and make sure you can get it back out. Don't stick it too far.

I can't imagine having to go in with it still on Vibrate. You must be a right state. TV remotes, etc. What's et cetera about that? I imagine like remotes of all kinds. Remotes. And it says here, a little tip. Sorry, can I just say?

Yeah. Whenever I'm in a hotel and I use a TV remote. I'll wash my hands afterwards. So do I. I'll wash my hands afterwards. I use it like this. Sometimes, some hotels, if you're in a posh hotel, they'll put it in a box.

There's a little box that keeps it in, and that box means we've cleaned this before, we've put it back in. Does it though? Yeah. Well, the reckoning does. But yeah. Surgeon's favourite line

that he must say to people, or she, sorry, how dare I. I don't mind what you put up there. Just tie your strength to it, so you don't waste my time. It's the thing. It's your body. Hoy what you want up there.

Just make sure you can get it back out. And then, you know, best way to do it, much like when the remove a tooth in a cartoon, string to it, tie the string round a door handle. Go and squat and bend over and let someone slam the door and they'll yank it straight back out. Not wasting Beatles' time. Yeah. Don't, sorry, don't tie it to a door and slam the door.

It was a joke. Don't do that. Don't do that. You've got to let people that do anything these days. Do not do that. Don't put a door handle up your bum either. I just thought about that. I bet that's been one. Door knob. Imagine door knob. Yeah, plenty.

times. Good to hold on to though. That's probably a safe a safe one. Again, we do not, we do not condone anything of any shape

going on the bum, not even vibrators. Listen, just be careful out there, guys. Just be careful. God's sake. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

Do do do do do. Thank you so much for listening, guys. I'm sorry if I've been a bit miserable. I'm due on and, um, you haven't been miserable. You've been lovely. No, you have. You've been absolutely lovely.

You've been messy, very untidy, but we'll let you off with it. Don't. Don't. This is really hard to do it when you're feeling in a certain way. I know. And we haven't got time to do it later on. So I'm sorry, I feel like today it is just what it is. Listen, I think we've had a lovely time. I've had a good laugh. You've had a good laugh.

We've learned some stuff. I know. I just feel like people sometimes might listen and go, she's such a bitch. I think most of them know you by now. Okay. And I think it's all right. And also, we'll go to lay God tomorrow for a couple of nights. I know.

That'll be lovely. We'll have a lovely other time. Right, that's good. Thank you. I love you too. And I love everyone who listens. Thank you so much for listening and watching if you did. Subscribe on YouTube and Chrisfancycom for the tickets, remaining tickets for some of the shows that I've got left.

And we'll be back in your ears. All refreshed and happy. No period. Being away next week. I mean, it depends because sometimes my period's going to last a lot longer than what. Oh, there will go. Well, hey. I'm just, at the minute it's just the brown sort of.

Oh, good. The nick-arumininan part of the period. Got you. Wonderful. Most people are turned off. now but that's lovely if you haven't that's just for you

well done bye love you bye love you bye