Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Bonus Episode

Episode Date: September 3, 2020

To celebrate the release of Sh**ged Married Annoyed the Book here is bonus podcast ep with a couple of clips from the audiobook, enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to a very special edition of Shag Mardenoid. We love you guys so much that we have decided to let you in a little bit

and give you an extra special treat this Thursday morn. Whoa, what's happening here? What is this? You know what this is. What's going on? Yeah, I'm pretending. I don't feel like... Oh, right, okay, okay. I'll play along. Well, Chris... Hold on. Hey! What's this? What are you doing? What are you up to?

Okay, Chris. Well, I got in touch with the book people who do the books. Dave Book. Dave Book and all the guys at the bookshop. Yeah. Dave, Steve and Guy. Do you remember we recorded the audio book a little while ago? Barely, but yes.

We had that week together in that small confined space. Oh, God. Yeah, I do remember that. It was very fun. Full of burps. Yeah. We thought that it would be do remember that. It was very fun. Full of burps. Yeah. We thought that it would be pretty cool,

a little bit cheeky, to give you a couple of chapters for free. Rosie is so bloody kind to these people and all that. You don't need to be. What do you mean?

They don't deserve it, man. These people listening here now, these scumbags listening to our voice, I'm joking,

guys. We're giving you two free chapters of the audiobook because ifumbags listening to our voice. I'm joking, guys. We're giving you two free chapters of the audiobook because if you're listening to this as of Thursday, the book is out today. It is the 3rd of September and the book is out in audio

and in physical form. Can you believe it? You can touch it with your fingers. No fingers. That was going to imply it and you just shouted dick. Unbelievable. Far too excited.

Anyway, there's still going to be a podcast tomorrow. Do not worry. But here are two free audio chapters of the book. The chapters are called Rosie. Seven Year Itch. And One Night Stands. And I don't know what order they're in, so it might be the other one first.

Well, introduce them and listen to how posh we are when we do the audiobook. Don't we sound slightly posher? It is a bit of a posher. It's like my phone voice. Yeah, no, it is genuinely my phone voice. Yeah. Enjoy.

Enjoy. One Night Stands. Dear Chris and Rosie, what exactly do you think constitutes a one night stand? Have both of you ever had one? I'm 22 and I've never had one yet. From Anonymous. In my opinion, a one night stand is when you meet someone whom you have never met before in your life. You have no idea who they are. They are a complete stranger to you.

You have sex with them once, then you never see them again. Chris agrees. Oh, apparently I agree, guys. I've been told I agree, so there we go. No need for me to say anything here. Or anywhere else, for that matter. Let's just let Rosie decide what I'm thinking on all of these things. I'll just stay quiet, shall I? Annoyingly, I do agree. You can't have a one-night stand with someone you know. That's just having sex with someone you know.

And if you see a stranger again after a one-night stand, it's not a one-night stand anymore. So, yeah yeah annoyingly she nailed it you're wasting your time Chris gotta get that word count up that's true very important

that word count I agree I also agree Rosie I also agree me too Christopher me too

Rosie Ramsey I agree also me too I'm glad we are in concurrence on this. Agreed. Good. Fantastic.

I personally find one night stands so interesting. You see, some people have had loads. Amazing. Why the hell not? As long as you're careful no one's getting hurt, go for it. Just, you know, make sure you put something on the end of it. Jezza Kyle style. A lot of people, like yourself, Anon Have never had a one night stand in their lives

Not one I still can't decide whether I pity or envy you Slash them, to be honest There must be something pretty gratifying About knowing that you've got enough self-control To not give in to your sexual demons You have the ability to control your animal instincts And two bottles

of wine and three shots of Jager don't tip you over the edge into one night stand land. You can say no to a bar of chocolate at the checkout tills. You never snooze your alarm. You say yes to an invitation and by Jove you'll be there, come hell or high water. No flakiness from you, no sirree. You are in control of your life and I envy you. There, look. Right, okay. I've made my mind up. I envy you.

You wouldn't dream of jumping into bed with someone who you've only known for 30 minutes. Don't get me wrong. You're not a prude. You'd just like to have been on a date, exchanged a few texts, etc. Before you know, you do the deed. Good for you, I say. You've got morals and you stick by them the world needs more people like you so you've got your prolific one night standers every weekend there's a different person in the bed not ashamed in the slightest couldn't give a fuck or

quite the opposite they've got fucks go and spare then you've got the holier than thou wouldn't even dream of a types, couldn't possibly imagine kissing a stranger, let alone having sex with one. Then you have people like me, bobbing somewhere in between. I was a typical on-the-fencer. I had all the makings of a non-one-night-stander, but unfortunately, too many break-ups and my need to be loved, tragic but true, it really let us down. Sending hugs. I can also confidently say was because I am now thankfully happily married. I'm married to the other person

who is reading this audiobook right now. Luckily, we're extremely open about everything and he doesn't mind hearing about my past relationships. Imagine if he did. You'd not be listening to this right now, that's for sure. Still though, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't slightly nervous to hear this Anyway, this was very much me for most of my twenties The sex was mostly rebound sex, to be honest And I never felt good after it The complete opposite, actually Ah, that's okay then

I'm not sure whether that's a personal thing or a female thing A lot may disagree with me here But I think it's a lot easier for a man to have a one night stand than a woman. I don't know about that, but it's definitely a lot easier for a woman to have a one night stand than a man, like to actually initiate one. Single blokes on nights out are so desperate that most women could get the DJ to do a shout out for them and there would be a queue of guys to pick from. Men are very much in, out, jobs are good and never need to think of them again. Not us. Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Us ladies, we dwell on this sort of shit for days, weeks sometimes. Ah, who am I kidding? I'm sat here 10 years later still kicking myself about a one night

stand. Oh, God, why the fuck did I sleep with that guy? I didn't even know him Seriously, are you that lonely, Rosie? You don't even know his surname You absolute whorebag What if you see him again and he doesn't even remember you? Nah, he'd remember you Right? You looked nice that night And you'd done your bikini line, thank God

He got you on a good night, babes Lucky bastard if you ask me. Hashtag self-love. Should I find him on Facebook? No. No, that's awful. Complete cringe. He didn't ask for my number,

so why would he want me to find him on Facebook? That whole aloof, plain-at-cool thing you did this morning, Rosie, did you absolutely no favours and was way too convincing. I doubt he's even bothered about seeing you again. Oh, Christ. I said some well-runchy stuff last night. He genuinely got some of my best flipping moves. You could tell it had been a while, babes. You went all out. Oh God, the utter shame of it all. What if I see him in Tesco? What if he works somewhere I go and I've just not noticed? What if our children end up going to school together?

They'd have to leave Imagine What if I end up working with his mum or his sister, his auntie Insert any known relative here I can't go on like this I need some answers Okay, well, look If it's going to make you stop going on about it

Just have a quick look It won't harm anyone He might have already messaged you, you never know He might be doing exactly the same thing right now Oh my god, imagine if this is your future husband Shit the bed He could be the one What the fuck is his fucking surname?

He hasn't messaged Fuck, this is down to you Just look. He won't even know. Okay, so he knows what's his face who works at the pub. Find him. You're friends with him. He might be on there. Right. John. His name was definitely John. John, John, John. Where the hell are you, John? Friends list. Nope. Comment section. Nope. Tagged pics. Bingo!

There you are. Oh, you're actually really sweet looking. Yay! Oh, this is actually quite exciting. He was good in bed too. Tick. Oh, this could be it. Clicks onto the profile.

Heart racing. hands sweating. This is ridiculously exciting, isn't it? I literally left this guy's house just three hours ago, knowing zero about him other than his first name and that he's friends with that random lad who works weekends in the pub. But he was nine wines in fit and he was good in bed, so let's just say it. Hang on. Is that...

No. No. It can't be. I can't friggin' see on these little flippin' screens. Zooms in. That's better. There we go. Is that...

Is that a girl in his profile pic? Eh? It could be his sister. Or maybe his mum is really young looking. Just a second. People kiss their sisters, right? On the lips, in an embrace, right? No. No, they don't. You utter mug. Legit girlfriend. Oh, John. You're absolute wangerer I almost had a panic attack listening to this What an emotional rollercoaster Did this happen? Is John real?

The people need to know, Rosie He absolutely is real But I had to change his name for legal reasons I can honestly say I think I might have only ever had one one-night stand Possibly two I think all the others I either knew beforehand in some way, shape or form Or were ended up going out again in the future One of them even hung around like a bad smell

Long enough to get married, have kids and do a bloody podcast together You're welcome Desperate Love you too Love you as well The Seven Year Itch I've heard people talk about The Seven year itch for as long as I can remember. Even as a child it was a well-known phrase. Obviously then I just thought people

had itches for a really long time and when adults winked at each other or laughed about it I assumed the itch was located somewhere funny like their bum or something. Turns out I was completely wrong. like their bum or something. Turns out, I was completely wrong. This imaginary itch is something that apparently happened seven years into a marriage. It's also a film, I think. Chris and I are currently at year six

and it's only now that I can 100% resonate with this phrase. I'm obviously extremely happily married, as I hope Chris is too. Chris? It has its moments. But honestly, it's bloody hard work, isn't it? Even after only six years, the pressure of keeping a marriage together and happy and as exciting and passionate as the date started is very intense and not always possible. I don't know whether it's because you've got a contractual bond with the other person that it feels so much more definite

A bit like a job perhaps A really testing full-time job with someone who you occasionally slash rarely have sex with and often bring up children together with There's three parts of your life that you'd rather they didn't but it's completely unavoidable as you live in the same house together 24-7 Most of them would be easily avoidable if you just closed the bathroom door. I remember the first time Chris happened to walk in on me shaving my vagina.

Now, I know what you're thinking. That's not that horrific. But you know when you would just rather they hadn't seen it? The positioning alone that you have to get yourself into is awful and it's just not a good look. The positioning alone that you have to get yourself into is awful and it's just not a good look. I wanted him to think I was perfectly trimmed down there and that at any given moment of the day it would always be just like that. Perfect. I'm pretty sure I had one of me legs up on the bath too.

You know, getting right in there I was. Mind, I suppose looking back, the vaginal shaving wasn't anywhere near as bad as the time I left the door wide open and he witnessed us taking me tampon out. Bless his heart, I thought he was going to faint. I still have nightmares. I often wonder how some couples manage to keep things like this from each other. Why are Chris and I so unable to keep things private? I know on my part that it's sheer laziness. I hate closing the bathroom door after us.

See? We only recently got a lock as guests were uncomfortable going for a wee in an unlockable toilet. But people can keep parts of their daily routine from their loved ones for years. Take my mother-in-law, for example. She has never, ever, in over 40 years of marriage, passed wind in front of my father-in-law. Imagine that! Our poor bowels must be in agony. Chris only told me this a couple of years ago

and I couldn't believe it. They have, however, been extremely happily married for these 40 years, so maybe that's the secret to a healthy marriage. Keep your trumps in. I think I'd die. Honestly, I think it would kill us. Rosie Ramsey, buried here, died from holding in our thoughts.

And judging by how much you fought these days, it would take about 40 minutes of holding them in to kill you. When Chris and I were relatively new to our relationship, we went on holiday to Dubai. Chris was pulling out all the stops to impress us and I was lapping it up. I couldn't believe my luck, to be honest. He paid for the lot. It was one of the most incredible holidays I've ever had. Loads of new relationship sex, tons of alcohol and seven full days of lying in the baking hot sun.

Amazing. What wasn't so amazing, though, was the fact that I had to hold in every single fart. Also, the toilet in our hotel room had a glass door. A glass door, man? Who designed this bloody hotel? You could see everything. I didn't have a shite for almost four days.

It was agony. Luckily, it wasn't just me. Chris was also in a lot of pain. It would appear that he was also stopping himself from passing wind and equally terrified to empty his bowels directly behind a glass door that his new girlfriend was sat mere metres away from. It was on this very holiday that we were forced to have the fart conversation. It went something like this. So Chris, I'm not sure how to say this but you

might have noticed that I eat quite a lot of vegetables. Yeah, I really like them. See, the only problem is that they often make us a bit gassy. Yeah, I'm actually quite a gassy person, to be honest. I've been trying to hold them all in while we've been away, and to be honest with you, Chris, I'm in a bad way. Oh my God, Rosie Soma, I'm in bits over here. I'm a broken man. Can we? Shall we?

Rosie and Chris holding hands and looking deeply into one another's eyes. Let's fart in front of each other from now on. I love you. I honestly can't tell you how much this genuinely changed my life. I'd never farted in front of a girlfriend regularly before and I'd spent so many nights in agony after meals in the house I honestly thought I had some kind of medical problem until Rosie said Did you never fart in front of your ex? And I replied

No, never To which Rosie responded Were you not just in pain all the time? Then the penny dropped Yes, I was I would eat a spag bol and spend the rest of the night In the fetal position watching The Wire And fighting back tears Have they finished?

Have they finished? Have you finished? Is that enough for you? Oh, you probably want more 3D, eh? You piece of shit, you're not having a third chapter You can go and fuck yourself, download it Audible.com, the physical one's out as well I think it's audible.co.uk Oh, hey man, don't you be You've got the link wrong audible.com the physical one's out as well I think it's audible.co.uk but that's fine

oh hey man don't you be you've got the link wrong splitting hairs well you can't click on it it's my voice hope you enjoyed that guys and we'll see you

tomorrow for a real podcast and also just from me thank you so much to everyone who's already downloaded the book in audio version and everyone who has

put their hands in the pockets and paid for a book we are so, so grateful and we really hope you enjoy it. We really do. Let us know if you enjoy it via Twitter, Instagram, all of them. If you don't enjoy it, keep it to yourself.

Yeah, please. No, that would do wonders for my self-esteem if you just don't let me know. Just tell your mum, tell your dad. Don't tell us. Write it on a little bit of paper, fold it up and bury it in your garden. Make a wish.

That's a good idea actually Okay thanks Bye Bye You're invited to an immersive listening party Led by Rishi Keshe Herway The visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series

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