Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Chore Play, Fly Tipping on the Moon and News From The Death Clock

Episode Date: May 8, 2026

On this week's Shagged Married Annoyed, Chris and Rosie Ramsey discuss home schooling, a Taskmaster reunion and some questionable safety advice. Chris has been caught with beer kegs in his car and Rosie tries her first Dirty Martini. All this plus a new term from a listener, a quiz about the Moon and the couple get some good/bad news from the death clock. If you want to get involved and have your stories and voice notes included on the podcast then get in touch! 📧: [e-mail] 📱: 07874 406650 You can watch the podcast on the Shagged Married Annoyed YouTube channel: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠youtube.com/@shagged.married.annoyed Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Coming up on this week's episode. We chat homeschooling. Bad breath. Always. Always a hot topic on this podcast. Rosie's got some life-saving advice on how to definitely get yourself killed. Chris squeezes the moon in there. I don't know how we managed to get.

I'll squeeze the moon in wherever I want, don't you ask too many questions about that. We've got beefs. We talk chores. And we also find out when we're going to die. Scientifically correct and factual. Enjoy. Bye. Hello, you are listening and watching Shagged Married Anoid with me, Rosie,

and my husband, Christopher. Hello. Hi. Hi. Hope everyone is well out there. Hope you're having a nice little time. Hope you enjoyed that little four days of summer that we've got because that's gone. Oh, no, but it wasn't it nice?

Wasn't it nice? Honestly, if you've been out there enjoying all the nice weather and stuff, it doesn't it just make you feel better? Oh my God. Isn't everything just nicer? I've said it, depression in this country would be a lot lower if we've got more sunshine. And we're turning in it and then boring old fuck guys who talk about weather all the time, but it's just when you're older and you've got kids and you've got an actual life,

it's so much of yet stuff is dependent on the weather yeah do I mean and not to depress you even more but I was in London it was even warmer they oh my god they're lucky little bastard fuckers like degrees like four degrees warmer just if not more honestly if not more Chris well I was I was with the kids and I was driving uh like I had to put the A-con on that's upset I was driving a I was driving to a forbidden corner in Yorkshire with the kids

and you were in London and we phoned you in the car and you were like well it's great the sun's come out you're gonna have a lovely day no still fucking pissing down yeah love still absolutely pissing it down with rain look how quickly you change and you were like oh well I'm in London I'm in a taxi it's sunny so surely everywhere

else there's sunny you honestly check your privilege oh mate this is we're adaptable you know humans whatever situation you're in you just change to that I just automatically thought that you were in the sunshine oh the other day when it was sunny and I was in the garden I was like oh yeah it's always like this and then it rained and I was like what the fuck is this coming from the sky what's happened

We're stupid. Someone's left to sprinkler on. Guys, thank you so much for being here. Thank you so much for listening and being part of this lovely, lovely little... I'm not going to slag it off. I'm going to say it's bullshit. I'm going to say it's a lovely little community

that we've made and I do enjoy coming on here and thank you very much for listening to. Oh, thank you to the flight attendant on British Airways. Oh. No, not sarcastically. She was really lovely. Okay. No, sorry, I didn't mean it like that.

I think we all thought venom was coming. Oh, wow. No, was me torn horrible. Yeah, I was a really nice mood. And thank you to the flight attendant on British Airways. No, she was lovely. amazing. She was lovely. She came up to us and she said

that she listens to the podcast on our way home from work and she said she actually said you need to stop being so hard on yourself because you look lovely and I thought that's really nice thank you. I'll tell you that every day but fuck me just ignore my opinion. Your opinion means nothing but hers really resonated if I'm honest if anything they're really

the good thing well flight attendants they're always well put together well I thought she knows what she's talking about she knows what she's talking about uniform was immaculate and they're just organised. They've got all them little compartments for little things, you know. Yeah, I would take her opinion over mine any day as well. I did. I did. Great.

So thank you. And I'm trying to be. There it is. So, yes, thank you for listening. If you're honest, watching on YouTube, thank you. And please subscribe and subscribe on your podcast shops and all that. And without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative. Lookerner of, this week's sponsor is loudly telling me that you are homeschooling your child

within earshot of my child Listen I'm absolutely fine with homeschooling You do you That works for you That's great A couple of people recently Have told me

While Robin has been close And I want to go Motherfucker whisper Whisper Yeah Oh you know why they've done it Why? Because the child needs mate

Right Sorry They've chose to take their child Out of school For whatever reason I don't know and that everybody's you do you if it works for you

but it fucking would not work for us yeah but I'm telling you right now they're thinking right well the more people that I get at homeschool will have a little homeschool mate one of us one of us oh never

not in a million God damn I was like oh yeah oh yeah you're homesick yeah well fucking you're not son yeah I've told them I've told them it's illegal

I've told them everyone else is just breaking the law I'm joking but yeah no no chance no I don't I don't really get it happy days good for you well done but when you're telling me

No, no. Writing on a bit of paper and hand made a bit of paper. I think there's a real fucking arrogance with homeschooling. Really? Well, so what qualifications do you hold? Right. Yeah. To homeschool your child?

I can't. Oh, I tell you what, I'm just going to, I'm going to teach my child to be a deep sea diver. Do they learn that at primary? No, listen, I'm just saying, this is just ridiculousness. I understand. Like, I've worked in schools. There's genuinely a lot goes into teaching children. There's a full national curriculum that gets followed.

and stages and bloody blah to just take it upon yourself to be like I am teaching well your child is gonna probably if you haven't got the qualifications to teach they're gonna be behind no they're not going to be behind they're gonna be top of that class are you stupid there is that are you stupid not the fucking sand table in there they're on the pharaoh table they're on the gold table but imagine the competition with their siblings they get started the week every week I shouldn't I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry right that is how that's how I feel about it I do you know what like I said, if it works for people, it works for them, but I think

what you're doing is the same as what I'm doing is, in my head I'm putting me in that situation. Well, that's the thing. They might be the best parents in the world and have the patients of a saint, and they might be really good at it. And do you know what it is? I do agree, there is a lot of children who actually struggle in mainstream school. Yeah, if it's that, if it's that. And I agree

with that. And if it's that, then I think fair enough. But, um, oh, even if I was struggling, I'd be like, you're just going to have to struggle. We do not want to homeschool. ever and please don't again just don't tell my kid that it's a thing but like no but we my parent differently to people because life is a struggle

I had struggles at school we all know but the teacher do you think you'd have got a higher grade if your dad was teaching your history at home no come to dad are you joking I'm that video do you know that video that circulates online when your parents are and you're doing your homework

but there's tears dripping up on the paper what me did with his tea breath breathing over is going why don't you understand why on you get why are you getting this so he was yeah he was hot well he's half a math teacher if he's got tea breath that's great yeah no my dad's really intelligent but yeah he's me dad he's not my teacher he's my dad there's a difference that's yeah that's another thing as well i realised recently um teachers you're young he like oh teachers remember the teachers had coffee breath i because they were fucking knackered because they were fucking all day trying to teach you little

tossers stuff don't talk to me about breath. No? So, so upset. When you're, I was on a flight and someone's breath was just circulating. And then, and then they had the audacity to yawn. I thought, oh, you can fuck off. But I'm telling you, I think what it is, though, and it's a bigger problem.

And I don't want to get into politics. But right now, unless you have private dental care, it takes fucking months to years to get, the dental, whatever it is at the minute is shocking. So people aren't getting dental. Dentist appointments is a backlog So people's dental hygiene Is shit We might as well be living in

Victorian times So I can't take the piss out of people Smelly Breath anymore Because it's not their fault either What can I what's left What's left? What have I got? I'm sorry

I'm sorry I'm sorry I don't know how many people need to know this If you don't floss You fucking stink Well yeah but it might also be Like an abscess All right well if you're in genuine pain

And you stink then you're allowed I went in a shop the day in London I'm sorry One more thing Right. No, what? Because I think as well, women, not so much, it's always men.

Wow. Right? You're not paedophiles, perverts. Rapist, murderers, I hate you, but also, use all the ones with the fucking disgusting breath. And they've always got a wife with them, and I'm looking at the wife going,

are you going to, are you going to tell him? Yeah. But has she lost her sense of smell? Right. Yeah. God. So it's all, it's just,

what's happened today? This is because I've had a run, you know. I've had a run this morning. morning you've got a load of it. I can't breathe. No, I can't breathe. Do you know on that horrible thing? Your chest where it does.

Exercise. Disgusting. I can barely breathe. I'm fucking, I'm struggling. No endorphins. I'm tired. I'm hungry. Great.

You've just ate. I just watched you have your dinner. Yeah? Wolfed it down. Starving. Hungry again. I went in a shop. Genuinely, I went to shop the idea.

I don't know if it's a new thing if I've just realized them. But it's them like little, quite smart looking brand new little convenience stores in London. are like the size of this table and they've got like panelling on the wall like you know like you know like gym front great you know like gym wood panelling

and they've just got loads of stuff you got heels of protein bars loads of just things it's just to sell crisps and just like a little newsagernish up but not like they're like a little shodden shop front anyway I went in one the other day next of lester square and the guy's breath was so bad the whole place smell like it we're talking about breath still we're still because I didn't get a finish me bit I what the whole place smelt and I went in

and I picked up a protein bar and I thought no you do not get my business because you fucking stink. You have to tell me if my breath ever smells. Oh good. You need to tell me if my breath ever smells because I slag off breath. Not falling into that trap. No, you have to. You have to?

Right. I can't be slagging everybody off a bad breath and then have bad breath. Not if I've just had garlic in that, that's different. No, it's pure. It's halitosis I can't deal with. I don't mind a breath. Like my Kate had, what did you have for her? She had like.

She's going to be buzzing at you tell me about. No, but listen, she had, she had, she came to do. J and S the other night and she had like Arabiata or something for a take she kept burp and I was like Kate can you fucking

pack it in because you're lifting like you're lifting but that was that was food that was like garlic and food it wasn't

it's when it smells like old dental floss yes that's bad yeah yeah yeah tell me because I tell you yeah you do tell me yeah

listen this whole introduction has been about breath it's been about breath and homeschooling this honestly we're on it

we're fucking we're gonna we're gonna cancel ourselves today today's the day guys Yay. Woo! We had a fight about the jingle.

We couldn't set along a jingle. Jingle-do. So this is the Jingle-Ding-go. We hope you like the Jing-do-Doo-Ding-Gong. Bab-Doo-Bab-do-Bab-do-Bah. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagmiredonoid. I'm doing the intro because I'm doing this little hello bit because

Rosie has just realized that she did that entire rant about bad breath with something in her teeth. So that. Which for me is instant calmer. It's worse, isn't it? Yeah. Instant karma. The only way that we'd more calmer is if your phone rang and we got told both kids were getting sent home from school a day. And they're expelled and you're being expelled.

What would Rave have to do to get expelled? Bless them, he's only fine. No chance. If they both got expelled, I'd move abroad. Yeah. I would move abroad. Honestly, I'd sell the house and buy a school. I'd buy a school. Like Kanye West. Oh, he did that, didn't he?

He just bought his own school. Oh, yeah, of course. Oh, no. I'll rot night's kids. Yeah. I'm not going to homeschool them, but not in me home. I'll have to buy a school because they're a pair of accounts. No, I've got something to tell you. Yes. So, I watched a video the other day.

I was saving it to tell you on here. Thank you for saying that you watched the video. I don't fucking read. I have started a new book. Have you fuck. No, I have. I'm three pages in. Great. Yeah. What's it called? I frog,

eye cat. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Eye dinosaurs. It's called the names. Great. Was it just a book of names?

What you ought to? Well, no, I was in W. Smith at the airport and there was a woman looking for books and I think she was just as shit as me. And I was like,

have you read any good ones recently? She was like, oh no. I was like, so you just going for the one at number, she was like, yeah. So do you know, have I told you mind I think with books? I'll buy one.

I go to like, you know, a W. Smith's in a train station or an airport and I'll buy one and I'll buy one. and then I get sick and then I download the audio book and I just listen to the audio book and then I sometimes just fall asleep with that and get to say I've got about six or seven

oldie books that I haven't finished I want to read more though I really do I'm just not I'm not a very but on holiday God I'll get through loads of books on holiday oh yeah yeah yeah I'll just play with the kids and you just sit in your books it's nice

right oh that bullshit how we listen listen this is not going to save your life but it might save you from hurt okay so I watched a video on Instagram and it was a really a really top lawyer in America

and he said if basically somebody was like what's your advice if you get held up at gunpoint or like with a knife okay and the person says don't look at the fucking camera and the person

probably a man says right come with me or I'm going to kill you what do you say fuck are you flost no this is not a joke you let them kill you right he said whatever happens

after that moment you're probably not going to survive and the next place that they take you to is going to be worse than where you are right now. Right. So just, just die, just get shot. Right. So your advice, your...

That was his advice. That was his advice. He said it's going to be easier for your family. If you are killed there, they'll not have to go through the whole thing of if you're taking somewhere else and the awfulness of having to find you. You are going to die a nicer death on the spot there.

Niceer death. No, then going somewhere else because wherever the take is going to be worse, you're going to get tortured or whatever, you know, he was like, and sometimes he said actually, the bottle it. They'll bottle it.

If you go, I'm not going with you. You can just fucking do it. Do it, do it right now while I'm stood here. They'll probably just not. So, yeah, so there you go. That's advice from me to you. Don't say I never give you nothing. Cool.

Cool. Next week, Rosie explains how to save yourself from drowning by just holding your breath forever. Tune in then, guys. but it's true though it is true it was just really interesting catch me on the right day

I'll be like oh yeah just kill us fucking seven days seven days out of ten you catch me I go out of just killers sorry so I was just asking

your directions no just killers no because I think you're neat I'm fucking weird sorry I was just asking if you know with the tube stations

fucking will you just kill me for fuck sake but they wouldn't yeah that's not what they want no they want no way the tub is yeah

very good advice stolen from someone Well done. You're welcome. Well done. How to get killed? Do you know what I would do? I don't know.

I would just say two seconds. I'll just open my coat. Show them your blue belt. Show them the blue belt. They'd apologize. Probably hand me a knife. Blue belt is very midway, isn't it? No, it's not made it.

It's bad. No, no. It's low. It's low. As one of the black belt said it was when I got it, congratulations. You're now the second shittest belt. Great.

I wouldn't show them that. Thank you very much. Compared to a civilian. CIV. CIV. CIV. CIVY. CIVY.

Listen. I, it's summer. So I'm doing, well, is it? I'm doing a re-up on all my kegs for my beer machine. A re-up, a re-order, a restock. Oh, okay.

It's from the wire. When they get more drugs in, they call it a re-up. Right. Go around all the projects and give them a re-up. So I'm doing a re-up on my beer kegs. I went to the garage. I've just, you can hand the beer kegs.

kegs back in and you get money back off them and I've just been sort of keeping them in the garage because I haven't been asked to go at the shop and I found a shop locally where I go now you get five pound back for a keg. That's amazing. Yeah, it's pretty amazing. And they send it back and just put beer in it again. Yeah, they recycle the keg and you get five a bag. Oh my God. It's amazing. Did you get a little wide on? I did get a, I got a very hard tidler. Now listen. What's accidentally put a hole in one of the kegs and it's unusable now. I didn't get a five of that one. So, um, I, uh, I put them all in the Don't laugh at your own jokes. You're kidding.

I've made a career of doing it. I don't actually say any funny on stage. I just laugh enough until everyone joins in. Take it on sale now for the second leg. Now listen, I put 12 kegs. I've left that run. Awful. I put 12 kegs in the boot of me car.

Okay. You had 12 kegs. No, I got 24. But I had 12 empty kegs. How many pints are in each? 10. It's a year's worth. It's a year's worth, which I had to explain.

I'm getting to this. so I put 12 empty kegs in the morning because it's on the way back from the school and I thought right I'll pop it and do it so I put 12 empty kegs in the boot and I come back inside In whose boot? My boot of my car

They're clean Who's my car did you use? My car? I swear to God I use my car I swear off kids' lives Sway I swear I use my car Because I tell you what my car's got

When I get all like what I didn't even realize this Until I did by accident the idea When I get all the kegs out If you put your foot under the back of the bump And you wave it about It shuts the boot on its own That's pretty cool I only found out of the idea

when I drop something in another car. I've had the fuck for two years. Fair enough. So I get the, I get the kegs out. Sorry, I put the kegs in,

I close the boot, I go back in, when you're busy getting the kids ready and we'll come out. Now, every single day, we'll go in the car, and I open the boot,

and I put their coats and their bags in the boot. Obviously, I didn't want to do this today, but Robin just went and opened the boot anyway. He opened the boot, he looked at the 12 kegs,

and he turned to us, and he went, are you okay? And I went, they're empty, and he went, well that's even worse did you know what they were

yeah he knows the beer cakes yeah I went Robert I went there's a year's worth day and I'm going to take them back to the thing and I get money back for then we're going alright okay anyway we're getting to the school we're part on the busy road where everyone's getting out for the school

I tell all he's made no no so he gets out and he goes around the back and he pressed the button to open the boot and I put their stuff in the side in the chair next to rave and I ran and literally there was people looking and I like ran around the car and the electric boots opened it

and I like put me on it and I fucking forced a back people will think I had a body in that boot and he went Why do you make it more dramatic? There was 12 fucking empty kegs in there so I just pulled the boot down and he went what you're doing?

I went Robin's Lord's empty beerquez and he went oh yeah yeah honestly I can say you're running around and shutting that boot on Oh yeah I was flailing I made a right scene I panicked you right now

You made it more of a scene I got No that's less attractive You doing that than thinking you've drank 20 beer cakes in my opinion. Are you still going?

All right. If you watch on YouTube, I did some really good slow motion running there. That heartbeat noise was actually quite nice because my throat is so... Oh man,

fucking hell, you've had one run and you're falling apart you're pathetic and your breath stinks. Pack it in. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo bao.

Rosie? Yes. Fancy a little quiz. No, what? No, no. No, they're shit. They're not good. This one's quite good.

People probably stop listening as soon as you say. Nothing's pornographic. I want to know what's about first. Well, you know what's about first. Well, you know what you love space. I hate space. I hate space.

I hate anything to do with space. Right, listen. Listen, I just saw a little thing the other day, right? On my Instagram, again, just gives us little tidbits that aren't real in the news. I've got a little quiz that I've put together of true or false of things that have been left on the moon. Would you like to play? But we talked recently about having people even be it in the moon. You said.

recently and it was fucking stupid and I dispelled it immediately as absolute bullshit. Right. If people left these, quick, you've got two minutes. That's a spirit. Welcome to me. Who wants to be in me now? I'm Jeremy Clarkson. Where are you from? Look, just fucking Jeremy, quick.

Get to it. Right, come on. Okay, you ready? Things that people have left on the moon. Things that have been left by astronauts on the moon. True or false. True or false. Okay, you ready? Go. Yes. Neil Armstrong's boots. False. How would he have got home?

True. They left them for weight. He didn't need the walking boots back on the moon, back on the moon lander. What a fucking waste of money? Brilliant. That's for weight to get back. Yeah, not our country, so don't worry about the government. Two golf balls.

True. True. Great. The play of golf, one of them. We played golf to say how it would go. This is the worst quiz. Buzz Aldrin's watch. False.

That is false. Well done. They've made them all. You've got one. Great. Yeah, an Omega, Speedmaster. A family photo. True.

True and it'll have been bleached by now. No one will be able to say it'll be a white bit of paper. Great. There it is. A falcon feather and a hammer. True. As you can say true of them all now. I don't care.

I'm sorry. I don't care. This is boring. You've lost the audience. I haven't. I want to talk about what you would do if you got murdered. That's where my... That's what gets me going.

Great. Falcon feather and hammer was true. Right. A Beatles LP. Probably. False. Brilliant. Now here it is.

Bags of human waste. True or false? Shit? Yeah. True. True. Now, for the bonus round, higher or lower?

How many bags of human waste have been left on the moon by astronauts? Probably loads. Putting the bins out? Have a guess. See your number now. How many people have been in the moon? I don't even know.

Don't worry about it. Just tells your number and I'll tell you higher a lot. Seventy-five. Oh, higher. 110. Lower. 85. Higher.

93. Ooh! Higher. This is horrible. 96. 96 bags of human waste left on the moon. And not that many people have been at the moon. We are a virus.

Yeah, like excrement. Like shit and that. 96 bags of shit and piss. But why didn't they just get rid of it in space? Like on a cruise ship? I don't believe that can open the window and just throw it out. Oh, you can't. No.

Well, though, but there's the little bits in between. No, no. The airlocks. What have you been watching? What did you watch? What are you watched on the treadmill? That's got airlocks in it. They've all got airlocks.

Right. I do believe the ISS has probably got them, but that's not where they were going. They're going up to the moon and back. So they've waited to get to the moon to put their shit on the moon. I think that's really disrespectful. Yeah, this is what I was getting at. Yeah, we are a plague on this universe.

That's awful. We are the worst. Hey, well, it'd be in the moon? It's nice up here, isn't it? Hey, put the fucking bins out, Neil. No, honestly. Empty the bogs into the moon. If the aliens come.

Yeah. They don't blame them. They'll say you disrespectful. Yeah. Bastards. Yeah. You came to one of our planets. No, it's our moon.

It's not, no. Nobody's bored it. Okay. Okay. But, well, there might be aliens on there. And they might say, you come here, leaving your bags of shit. Yeah.

You fly tip in our moon. Lay the fly. Yeah. Last question. A mattress, true or false. I wouldn't be surprised. Fridge, true or false. Are these actually a sofa?

Oh, no. I'm not. Awful, that, like. It's mad, isn't it? So that's what I wanted to get that. That's what the whole thing was about. Do you know what I would have preferred? Don't wrap it up in a quiz.

Just say, tell, can you believe? The stifling of my creativity on this fucking podcast. Because it's vile. Because it's vile. It's disgusting. You had fun. I saw a little smile in you out.

You were trying to pretend you were upset, but you had a lovely time there. Oh, but I mean. And you've learned something that you've just forgot. haven't you? What? Exactly. Oh, 96.

Go fuck yourself. Wow. We should leave you on the moon. Wow. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. It's time for Watch your beef. What's your beef?

Now you can't possibly have a beef with me this week because I've been amazing. You have been better actually. Yeah. You've come back from tour. You're settling down

ever so slightly. Toa Chris has been a very... Yeah, but it's been a very small part of me personally, I think, since I've got back to her, Chris. Being very smart. I mean, I absolutely beg to differ.

Right. But it's better than usual? Yeah. There we go. This beef's just quite a funny beef, but you've been doing it for a long, long time. And it's just irritating. So whenever we're in the house and you decide to have a little beer.

Yeah. Because you've got your keg machine and you can't say no. And I get it, mate. You've seen me at Easter. When there's beer in it. When there's Easter eggs in the house. It needs to go somewhere. It's literally on the way to the utility room.

And I literally walk in with some dirty. washing and I can see the little screen and it just goes hey it's three degrees Chris I'm like three degrees the perfect drinking temperature oh get rid of Chris on the alarm antibiotics babes antibiotics are you well shitty tooth again oh hey Siri hey Siri everyone's setting alarm for 230 called antibiotics thanks babe's annoying thanks babe's thanks babe with Siri's annoying you've got to say thank you because if you don't she'll just be like, let's cancel.

Yeah, yeah. Your series is a fucking deal. I know, she's a prick. Anyway, what, me beef is, you've just, I don't know if it's a comedian thing

or whether it's just a shitty dad joke thing, but every time that you have a little half of beer in the house, you look at me and you say, why have you made us do this? Every time. But you have?

Every time. You've made me just, just, just by being how you are and being as hard work as you want, you drive me to drink. It's irritating. It's just irritating. Why do you made me do this?

Just a little bit of fun. A little bit of fun. Okay. That's all I could do this week because actually... I've been all right. You on the other hand. No, I've been lovely. My beef with you is you went down to London

with your taskmaster cronies. Yeah. I went and had a stupid night out with all your taskmaster friends. Pathetic. No, it was absolutely class. Get over it. Show's finished. Looze, move on.

Oh, can I tell you? I tried my first ever dirty martini. Right? Yeah. Was that just martini just in a dirty glass, uncleaned, a bit of binge you? No, it's a drink. Right.

Horrible. What is a dirty martini? So exactly. Steve, this is the difference, right, okay. And I hate, I like to think we're quite cultured. I don't know, we've come up in the world a little bit. Yeah, we'll try. But I said to Stevie, Matthew Bainton, and Jason Manzuka's partner, Sarah,

I was like, I've never had a dirty martini. And honestly, you'd think, you'd think I'd said I've never had, like, a cream egg or something. It was so ridiculous. they were like, you've never had a dirty martini. I was like, no. Right. They don't really exist. They do exist.

Sorry, they very much do exist, yeah. But it's just not really... I don't think of a one. It's not really a drink that... So what the fuck is a dirty martini? It's vodka. Right. Right. With like olive brine.

Sorry? The juice from olives? Yeah, the brine. Uh-huh. Hey, big tuna spend a little brine with me. Awful. Why? Why? Why juice? Olive juice? And then you have olives in it.

Oh, God. But the dirtier it is, the more olive juice I think you have in it. Like brine. It just tasted like, it was like drinking olive brine, which I actually don't mind. I wasn't far up with beer juice. With a burn on the throat of the vodka. Fucking disgusting. Yeah, it wasn't great. I said to Stevie, I was like, this is not. She was like, yeah, it takes a little while and get used to it.

Oh, God. But I did try it. I wouldn't order it. I'm a cosmopol. girl. What happens when they run out of olive brine? What in the world? No, in the bar. Well, they'd just buy more olives, I would think. But they put olives in every drink, so, and then I would think. But for drinking it, like olives in a, in a jar.

Yeah, but, but then we ordered olives to eat, so. You don't have to, otherwise it can be dry sticks, there'll be fucking prunes by the mind. Yeah, yeah. Reasons? Yeah. So, it's all, it all equals that. What do you beef? Awful. My beef is, um, since you came back, from London yesterday yesterday twice our children caught you swearing your head off

do you know what it is I don't think you went to the taskmaster night now I think you went to swearing camp and you taught yourself to swear more and then you came back and you swore you you were standing utilitarum swearing like a fucking dock worker and Robin came in and went

and I'd been giving the eyes to go he's coming in shut the fuck up said with a swear word hot kettle black I give the eyes said shut the fuck with my eyes. I didn't say it out loud. Well, I didn't get it. Honestly.

I swear, what are you gonna fucking do about it? I was not in front of the children. No, I didn't know. They were they? I didn't know there were they? Twice. Disgusting. I think it's good for them every now and again. Yeah? They can't, yeah. Well, I'm not a Disney princess.

No? No. And this is why we don't homeschool. Exactly. It's got to be mainly teaching them swear words. Yeah. The good ones. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab.

It's time for questions from the public. Let's you from the public. As always, if you like to get in touch, it is... As always, if you like to get in touch, it is shagged, Marriedenoid at gmail.com. And if you want to send a voice note, which we're bloody loving, it's 07874, 406650.

All that information is on the main page on your podcast apps. The main Shagmarineoid page, not the mean. You know what I mean. There we go. I have been listening to a podcast from the very beginning. And I always really wanted to

something to say but never really had anything to say but this whole ick reverse ick thing um has made me want to introduce you to a phrase that we have in our house um which is chore play so you know we've been married for a while we've got kids we both work full time i've had a busy day at work the house is a mess don't come at me don't touch me don't even look at me nickers are saying firmly on however the flip side of that is I come home the dishwasher's been emptied the side's been wiped

the bed's been made drop in trail right now chore play wash the cars take the bins out chore play now it has to be something there are rules with chore play

it can't just be you know you've picked up a sock off the floor and put it in the wash basket it needs to be something that lightens the others load Lord, great, great. But it needs to be, it can't be just

a blue job has been done by a blue or a pink job's been done by a pink person. It needs to be a job swap. Yeah, sure play. I love, love that. That's amazing. Love that. That's great. Active service.

Yes. Yeah. That's why I will never understand couples who can have like angry sex. You know, like makeup sex. Yeah. No. When me and you have had a fight or an argument, the last thing I want to do

is have sex with you. Like, no. I don't get it. I don't want to, I don't give it, fuck. I think people who can have angry sex have got like a really fucked up relationship.

If you can have angry makeups that, like we're going to argue and I'm so pissed off of you, but I'll fuck with you. Yeah. I think they're, I think their shagging and their sex is based in

hatred and venom rather than love and I don't know I'm just saying and I said I don't want to piss him off It just depends I think like it's just totally right though

because like you know if you haven't done something if I'm just walking around the house going he hasn't fucking picked that up that's a fucking mess and then you tried it on later on and I'd be like no absolutely not

you haven't done your stuff you haven't done your jobs yeah men are very different but yeah I imagine that involves I imagine what she's just said that if we got her fella to tell whatever it was

the whole thing it would be his thing would be oh yeah if I do all my jobs then some of her jobs we have sex yeah that'll be what it is so I do all of my jobs then I do a few of her jobs

I've lighten the load then you are sex yeah that's great chaupley but what are his jobs what are your jobs my jobs we've been over this we've been over this

you don't even know who insurance is with we've been over this yeah I do come on overall energy no I don't know all right no okay but we've also

we'll have me with over for three houses we've also been with we've been over this the all of that stuff you do it once and then it's done for the year no yes it is yes it is I've got it staggered you fucking liar no you don't you do it one time

and then it's done I do meeter readings I do all kinds of stuff okay it's all good you're not going to win this argument because I do so much more than you in this house so that's fine okay yeah We're going on holiday in a couple of weeks

Who booked it? Who booked all of the taxi? Who's booked everything? Who's made sure that the suitcase is okay? Who's ordered all of the kids' new clothes because they've actually grown out of all of their summer stuff from last year? Who's done all that?

Have you done anything for this holiday? Have you done one thing for this holiday? I... What have you done? Will do, right? Oh yeah, I've renewed the Haldi insurance as well. Sorry, was that not on your chequee? Checky list.

You asked me about that And I said Mm-hmm Remember the other day When you asked about what you said And I said mm-hmm So there we go That's half

I did half of that What's next? No I will be very much involved In the Once we're on the holiday I'll do the day drinking I'll do

I'll blow up any liloes That we need doing Right No you won't You'll take them To the guys around the pool Who've got a pump I will take them

To the guys around the pool I'll do all of the pre-holiday I'll have sex with them It's fine Great I'll do, oh, big lungs. I'll do all of the pre-holiday winging and then the apologising when we get there.

Can't wait. Yeah. It's going to be awesome, man. Yeah. No, don't come to me with this. Team Ramsey, hi-line. I'm not, no. See, this is the thing.

We start talking about it and I get pissed off so we can't have sex today. Because I mean, I'm now in a huff with you. Right. Okay. Because you've got the audacity to say that you do loads of stuff when actually, I don't think you do. Right.

The thing is... If you take a car to get washed, you just take your own car. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. I do loads of things, man. You don't. I do.

What? Uh, I do the shopping. Not all the time. It's very... That's a shared job. You can't see... You cannot see I do all the shopping

because I very much also go at the shops as well. I hung that wash up for you yesterday. Which you took... Which that's another thing. Right? Welcome to the beef section. This is on purpose. No.

I was putting... I was putting Wraith, our child, I was putting him to bed because he's just obsessed with us, right? And it's fine. We've got a lovely relationship. I love putting him in bed, reading his books. I'd put a wash in because I'd been away and you hadn't done any washing.

I'd be, I'd be. I'd be always away. Yeah, you'd have. Fair enough. Okay, right. Four degrees warm, I'm in London, having dirty martinis every time of your life. Listen, it was hot. They were horrible.

So, I put a wash in, and I said to Chris, I said, do you mind putting that wash up? Yeah. When it's done. And you did? You hung the wash up. fucking well done but then you came up to me

and you said I've hung you washing up for you yeah my washing you asked us to do it so I did it can I tell you right now genuinely

I don't think there any of my clothes in there because you and them kids just fucking wear clothes like you're Zit go on where's the analogy

oh I do the analogies I do the analogies by the way there it is that's one thing I do let's what else you do let's nice tell us what else you do I do quite a lot of hoovering.

I always do the dishwasher. Always do the dishwasher. I do, and I just did it today, and I always do the bins. I do the recycling. I spend more time jumping up and down in that fucking recycle bin than I spend doing any other hobby.

I don't ever do the recycling. I'm literally, our neighbours haven't seen me fucking knees, man. I'm just always in that bin. Doesn't know I've got legs? I'm always in that fucking recycling bin, I'm telling you. Okay, fair enough.

No, you do that. Yeah? I play outside with the kids. I play on the trampoline with the kids. You're just being a dad. Yeah? Crazy. All right.

You're just being a... Wild. No, no, no. I'll take that back. I just want to see you as being a wife, but that implies that you have to do jobs and things. I just... Beep.

Beep. Beep. Beep. No, listen. We're funning everyone. If you listen to this podcast long enough, you know we're joking. And you do...

Actually, you know what's really sad, though? Yeah. The saddest thing is, is that you genuinely do. loads more than probably any of our generation's dads did so you know so there you go my main thing that I do is I don't

keep all the things I've done and list them and tell you about in a public scenario I'll just do them I'm I mean I'd beg to differ because I definitely if I ever put the bin out I don't come upstairs and go I've put your bin out I've done it again I've done it again I'm sorry but there is times when I will put the bin out

or I put the bins out but I don't ring you up if you're away I don't ring you up and go, I've put your bins out. Actually, could you? Could you do that? Because then I wouldn't look at me down and go, it's bin-to-day, I should have you done it or when I get to. If you can actually ring us when you put the bins out, I would ease my stress. I'm not.

I call them your bins. They're my bins. It's my bins. It's my bins. Tell what they are my bins. Because as soon as anyone else does the fucking bins, especially recycling, I get the yellow tape of death that I got the other day. Because the garden, I put a fucking plastic compost bag in there. I was mortified. He doesn't know, because they don't live around here, so he wasn't in all. Yeah, it is.

I didn't bologna. Listen. Listen, I was still friends. Yeah, we're having sex still? No? Unless you've got to do some jobs. What you got to do? Beep, beep.

That's, uh, oh, I'm just, I'm doing a bit of psychic care. I'm just telling me future. It is no jobs and a wank. Good. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hello.

I'm a long time listener. First time emailing you. Welcome to the fold. Thank you. Thank you. long term listener. That works. Does it?

That also works. Yeah, I love that. Like your long term girlfriend or a long term boyfriend. Love to hear each week in New Zealand. Yes. Love your accents as my family are from Hartlepool. Way. Yeah, it says yes, monkey hangers.

We've talked about monkey hangers before. Let's not mention that every time I mention Hartlepool. It's not fair to the people of Hartlepool. But it is hilarious. It is. I have thousands of things I could send you mostly about my husband. Love him, but he's a plonker. Plunker's great.

And our experiences whilst being holiday park managers, but I wanted to try this one first. Oh, New Zealand holiday park managers. I bet they're nice. I bet it's beautiful there. This isn't about that, but it's just yeah. Oh God, I did a really, really fucking absolutely cringeworthy, wanted to die,

embarrassing thing the other night. When you're out with the task monster, I'd had a lot of wines. Derry wines or clean wines? Just clean wines. Jason's partner and Sarah is so gorgeous. She's really sweet and it was lovely getting in a wine. better. She said they were talking, where were they talking about

somewhere? Australia and she was saying we've never been she went, it's really far and I went oh my god I went yeah how long would it take you like two days? And she went no like eight hours and I was keep because it's the other way. Oh you are you are flat earther? You're a flat earther? I'm not. You are a flat earther? It just took us a minute to realise that their map is different to hours

and they could have went the other way around but I just thought oh no they're going to have have to go over us all the way over Europe and have a little stop off and then go so take them fucking two days but actually she's like no we would just go the other way because the earth's a ball and they're actually close at austral and then we are yes and no because their half of the earth that they have to go across is the pacific which is crazy big oh no no no let's not do any i don't care but all i but you know what can i just say how long lovely shir if she didn't laugh in my face

she just sort of was like very sweet and I thought I'm stupid I'm fucking stupid I realise those straight away honestly honestly and I don't I hate hate sticking up for you in any way shape or form you know this don't like compliment

you don't like sitting up cause why you're not biting why you're not biting but I don't think it's as stupid as you think here no it's not listen because they live in LA oh Hang on. LA to Sydney is 15 to 17 hours? Yeah, because it's a fucking,

because the other half of the world is the Pacific Ocean. Right, well then, listen, I mustn't have sounded so stupid. No, I told you. And actually, I was like, why haven't you been? So there, look.

Let's have a look. Sorry, everyone. This is the other way, yeah. So there's LA. Oh, God, it's miles away. They've got to go fucking all over the ocean, so it's still far. Okay.

Yeah. Right, I feel better now. So, but it's further for us, but it's, you know, they've still got a 24 hours for us, wasn't it? Yeah, they've got two thirds, three quarters of the way. Well, actually then I was bang on because I said it would take like 12 hours. Yeah. Oh, God, I feel better now. Well, you've just gone back on it there.

But listen, I remember when the World Cup was on in Brazil, I think, my manager went over. And he said him and a few of the other people from Avalon went over. I think a couple of comedians went. And they were in L.A. and they were like, oh, we're in LA so we'll just fly to Brazil and watch the football. It's fucking 40 now I flyer. Yeah, crazy big.

He was like, oh, you just, you think, what were there? Yeah. This is exactly the same as the guy who books my tour when he goes, ah, Blackburn to Glasgow. You can do that. Fuck, I can, but fuck me. Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Well, anyway, so I feel a bit better now because I felt stupid. Yeah, it's not a stupid as you. And you've got to understand I was trying to be the best version of myself. Yes, but the thing is, accidentally you've hit okay there

but you did think that big flat map LA all the way across America all over across the Atlantic all over across Europe Asia I thought it would be two days yeah yeah yeah two days with a stop off listen wouldn't you get back to this

what the fuck are these guns talking about did you see me that can be asked why do we do this is what you're still listening for this is painful guys I'm sorry because that was really really painful right anyway listen yeah

This is her. When I was at school, when I was at a school near Thorpe Park, I'm originally from staying at says, yeah. All right, okay, Thorpe Park in London, yeah. We were in our classroom after lunch awaiting the register when we were told not to leave and stay in our classroom. Suddenly, after a while, we could leave, and obviously rumours started.

You always do, don't there? Turns out, Michael Jackson has popped in for a visit. Our little school was chosen to visit after he'd been to Thorpe Park. What? I just can't. I don't believe it, but carry on. Okay. Why we didn't twig then is a mystery,

but it unfolds that it was a hoax and was not the real Michael Jackson in brackets. No shit you say. A couple of days later, my friends and I are at the lunch hall, and again, those who are there at the time are asked not to leave. Here we go again, okay?

Fucking hell. I'm not sure who spoke, but they said they felt sad. We'd been duped by a hoax and the Sun newspaper, in brackets, I'm sure it was them, wanted to make it up to us. So it must have been a hoax with the newspaper. It's all, it doesn't really make sense.

Anyway, so they had organised a surprise, right? Right, so hold on. So they get hoaxed that Michael Jackson's coming to visit the school because it's been to Thorpe Park. This was in the days before the internet, I'm assuming, where you could just tell someone something like that and they'd be like, right, okay. So they thought, why the school was in full lockdown,

because Michael Jackson was coming, I'll never know. I mean. But yeah, fair enough. So now this hasn't happened. So a local newspaper, either the sun or a local newspaper or some media have got wind of this and they're trying to rectify the situation.

Yes. How are they trying to do that? So this is what they've done. So they had organised a surprise. We were told to sit down and this surprise will come in. In walks. And I've got nothing against this lady.

But why is she agreed to do this? Whoever this is going to be, you're not going to come out well. Don't take it personally. No, no, no, I just don't understand why she agreed to do this. You're never going to win. No. Michael Jackson is going to come, but we've got you instead.

Is it anyone apart from Michael Jackson? Because if it's anyone apart from Michael Jackson, this is a fucking crash and burn. Or you'd take Whitney Houston. Somebody. I wouldn't have. In walks and the eternal. That dates the story. Fucking beautiful for me.

Do you know what it is? I was a big, I watched CBBCC back in the day. I think she's amazing. I'd be. I'd be buzzing a fan I'd take in my school. Absolutely, a huge fan in the 90s.

If I... So just imagine now, right? You know, you're a famous comedian, you're doing well, all this kind of stuff. So just say, like, just say Harry Stiles was meant to go to a school

down the street where we live. Oh, it was a joke, but can you come and see them instead? Absolutely not. No. Not a chance. Oh, can I come?

Can I sloppy seconds? Can I fucking... Here's what you could have won. No. I don't understand why she said yes. Anyway. Hi, Mr. Hi, Chris.

Do you fancy being a professional letdown for the day? No, I don't fancy being a professional letdown. Are you mental? They thought Michael Jackson was coming and they sent Anthony. No, again, legend. But fuck me. I know. She is a lovely lady.

There it is. But our surprise was she wanted to visit and apologise to us for being part of this walk. Oh, she was part of it. She might be in presenting a show. I don't know. Part of a TV show or something. Might be. We had a photo taken and then.

and all sat there in this weird silence. And that's it. What the fuck? Wow. Anyway, so yeah. I love that. It must be part of the TV show. Do you remember like,

watch out beedle, what was it, Beatles about, Jeremy Beedle and all that. This is back in the days of, Franked. Punked. Punked. This is back in the days of,

or have you seen in the newspaper the world's ending on Friday? Mm-hmm. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Happened a few times of my. in my comp a few times.

Oh, apparently the world's ending the weekend. First time, shit myself. Second time, shit myself. Third time. Yeah, fourth time. Shut up, man, Willie. Death clock.

Shut up, Craig. Death clock? Yeah. What's death clock? We've talked about the death clock before. The Doomsday clock? You could Google when you would die. Oh, death clock.

Do you remember? I don't know what mine was. I remember mine not being that old, if I'm honest with you. Should I see when I'm going? Should I quickly have a look when I'm good at? Is it still going? Oh, don't.

I don't want to know. No. No. It's a little. I don't want to know. Death clock. Oh God. The death clock.

No, don't. Chris, you'll not sleep. Still here? Don't. Don't. You can't do it. Oh, Chris, don't. What if it's tomorrow?

I'm not giving it me cookies. No, hang on though. If it's tomorrow, you'll not leave the house. But you might die in the house. Put me in just put me details into the death clock here. So third of the eighth. Getting robbed. Uh, well, because it knows me fucking date of birth.

I don't know. I mean, 1905 is still on here. So that would have been. an easy one for the death clock. Date of birth, these questions are fucking funny. Date of birth, third of the 8th, that's August the 3rd this year.

I'm 40 for everyone wants to send us stuff. Golf things, please. Sex, yes, please. Mail. Do you smoke? All there is is yes, with an exclamation mark. There's no that tick box,

so I'll just not tick that. BMI. I don't know BMI. You'll have a good BMI. Yeah, but... You're in good shape. Is it like... Is it golf score

or football? score. But this, but the death clock I thought was, what if you got run over? It's got nothing to do with your BMI. Yeah, divide your weight and cover up. Oh no, come on. Come on. Death clock, no, I'm going to die now. Oh, under 25. Yeah, okay, that's good. Right, under 25 it says. Um, next question for death clock. Outlook. Optimistic, neutral, pessimistic, suicidal. Oh. Okay. Um, I'm going to go neutral. You're pessimist. Am I quite pessimistic? I'm actually quite pessimistic yeah I am I was trying to be optimistic yeah I mean let's know it for the first time ever

alcohol consumption never once a month two to four times a month two times a week daily final one great I'm constantly blotto no this is not this is not real this is not the one this is the death clock you just put your date of birth in right stop nobody cares no no I'm done I'm done include fitness and diet no submit let's have a look your death prediction results at the time of testing you were 39 years old nine months and two days

based on calculations you will die on get it in your diaries people Thursday the 30th of December 2055 oh the day before New Year's Eve wow that's me you're ruined Christmas

ruin New Year oh god that's not fault you will live to be 69 years four months and 27 days old oh that's not old enough. There it is. Oh, that's 10,830 days, 21 hours, 30 minutes and, oh,

that's 10,830 days, 21 hours, 29 minutes and 55, 54, 53, 52 seconds remaining. I'll leave that on. Do you want to, should we get rid of all of the shit in between? Do you want to do mine? And then say who's going to die first? Oh, okay. Okay. So we've done mine. We've done mine. Just bear in mind I've been for a run this morning.

Great. Okay, so that's mine there. I've got a 69, four months and 27 days. Ready? Mm-hmm. Date of birth. 30th of the 8th, 98th, 1986. 30th of the 8th, 1986.

Sex. No, thank you. You haven't done any chores. I could go. I could never have it again. Wow. Uh, BMI. Oh, don't.

Zero. What, I don't know? It's the highest it goes. Oh, fuck off. I'm totally joking. let's just put the same as me 25 right outlook optimistic I'm optimistic um alcohol consumption and put you two times a week UK okay this can fuck right off this can this can this is I'm 85 on it you're 93 you're 93 nine months and 20 days I have that means I'm gonna have another life a whole new life

Yeah. Without you. Fuck me. I'm going to have another podcast. 24 years after me. Guys, this is all going to happen again with my new lad. That's exciting. 69. You're going to be 93.

I started off not believing this, but I'm still angry. Well, I have all my faculties. Because I don't want to live till 93 if I don't know what going on. Oh. Bullshit. Well, put it in your diaries, guys. What date? What date? Am I?

You are going to die. Wednesday. the 19th of June 2080. Summer death. Okay. It means I can wear nice. Nice. Nice.

The ground will be nice. It'll not be muddy and wet. Just think by the time you die, I'll have been stuffed and mounted on the mantelpiece for 24 years. I'll look after you. Listen, I'll make the rest of these years really sweet. Thank you very much.

All right? Thank you. And like I said, we'll do this again. Yeah. We'll do it again. Babadoo, babo, babo do. Do do do do do. Thank you so much for listening.

and watching this week's episode of Shagmirae. Yes, thank you very, very much. Don't forget the second leg of my tour is on sale now and get those death dates in your diary. We are expecting flowers and wreaths scent. I'm sure I'll mention that again. Thank you so much for listening. We're back in years next week.

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