Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 100. Best of #1

Episode Date: January 22, 2021

This week on the podcast Chris & Rosie celebrate 100 episodes! They might be on maternity leave with a broken ankle but they have recorded a message to introduce the best of SMA so far. Expect age old beefs, some brilliant QFTP's, a brief cameo courtesy of Rosie's Nana and THAT story about the breastfeeding groom. Enjoy and a big thanks to all the smas & das! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City

at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag, Married, Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, the idiotic, moronic, can't-let-me-have-anything, breaks his ankle a week after I have major surgery and a newborn baby. Ten days. Ten days. Nearly two weeks. Christopher Ramsey. Ah, hello.

Hang on. Arsehole. Ah. Christopher Ramsey. Excuse me, there's a baby in the room and you're swearing. How dare you? Awful. Christopher Ramsay. Excuse me, there's a baby in the room and you're swearing. How dare you?

Yes, I've broken my ankle. No, I'm not happy about it. Depressed might be the word I've got about it. Although I am on my crutches. I can do it with one crutch now today so I can carry stuff around the house again. Only today though. Only today, this morning. This is Thursday as we're recording this.

Up until now, I have been um which Rosie's found very funny uh walking around the house with both crutches with a medium probably medium to large size I can't remember which one Ikea bag around my neck so you know those Ikea bags the blue ones guys how they've got the little handle and then they've got the bigger handle so you can hang it lower well you can get a human head through that one. So I've been walking around. Like a horse bag. Walking around with that on. Oh, I mean, fuck this decade.

Honestly. Fuck this decade. Fuck your life. Fuck my life. I hate the 20s. I do. I hate the 20s so much. I hate the 20s so much it hurts.

But. Fuck it. You know what? What? This is our 100th episode 100 episodes a century of podcast shenanigans exactly so we wanted to come on and address it properly and say hello to you all hope you're okay yeah we are on maternity leave i am really excited to be back chatting here it feels really nice it feels quite nice it does feel quite nice yeah we got Rafe literally, he's lying in his little Moses basket

right next to me now, looking up, thinking, what are you doing? Do this as a job, believe it or not. Oh, shit, yeah. Guys, we've had a kid. Oh, shit, yeah, we've had a kid as well. It's all me, me, me.

It is all you, you, you. It is all me, me, me. Funny that, isn't it? Yeah, you're... You selfish little prick. You're annoyed now, aren't you? I'm so annoyed. You're annoyed about...

Hello Magazine just posted a thing about me and Rafe and you're annoyed about that as well aren't you I'm not annoyed about it yeah well you're a blooming seething man looks deep

what do you mean or what because they said like people were swooning over you with Rafe people were swooning over well you used

weird crush again which I'm getting proper sick of that that's your new thing though you are people's weird crush I don't know why I'm a weird crush

why because you're ugly as fuck wow wow I mean sorry the baby I'm a weird crush why because you're ugly as fuck wow wow I mean sorry the baby I'm only joking

he does look a bit offended to be fair but yeah guys thank you for all the lovely positive messages and all of the lovely comments about little Rafe

he's awesome Robin loves him oh yes it's meant it genuinely it's the only thing getting us through at the minute

yeah he's brought so much sunshine to our lives I'm just gushing just gushing over our two little amazing boys I mean you're gushing It's the only thing getting us through at the minute. Yeah. He's brought so much sunshine to our lives. Like, I'm just gushing. Just gushing over our two little amazing boys. I mean, you're gushing figuratively and literally out of your tits. Oh, constantly.

Constantly gushing. Constantly gushing. You love it when I come up to you out the bath. Don't love it. And squeeze my boob and a bit of milk comes out. Right, so guys, Rosie came up to us earlier on. She walked up, she went, because I had to get my dad to go to the shop to get us some milk because we can't leave the house because we're both bedridden well like

absolute invalids so pathetic so my dad went first of all shout out to my dad he got everything on that list there was green beans there was cheese strings there was 50 50 never been to the shop before he got everything on the list i'm not congratulating that no i'm sorry to be fair he's a 60 year old man yeah but he did come in and tell me that he was standing in sainsbury's and he was in front of what he said was a really small selection of bread and he got the guy over and said, why have you not got much bread? And he was in front of the fucking wheat-free stuff.

And the guy was like, you know, the main bread's like down there. There's like two walls of it, mate. What a life. He was like, I don't come to the shops very often. So you got out of the bath and you were like, oh, we shouldn't have got your dad to get some milk because look. And then you just squeezed your tit at us. And you were like, hey, you find it weird, don't some milk because look and then you just squeezed your tit at us and you were like yeah you find it

weird don't you i was like no i don't find it weird i find it normal and natural and lovely that you know what you're feeding my baby from your body but getting out of the bath and squeezing your milky chab in my face it's but it's pure white now it's come in yeah oh it's come in well good it's like that i'm i'm honestly i'm me. The stuff you have been bragging about recently is so weird. My mum was around the other day, and you opened the fridge and went, Anne, look how much milk I'm making. It's such a weird thing to brag about. It's not, I'm choked.

When the health visitor, the midwife or whoever was here, and they said something about a water infection, because you've had a caesarean section, they were checking on you, and they said, oh, have you had a water infection? And you went, oh, I've had loads of water infections me and I was like fucking really really weird thing

to brag about oh yeah man sometimes I just need something to perk us up you know you can't love yourself who the hell else is going to love you

hey guys so this is the 100th episode thank you so much for sticking with us through thick and thin through all these times we hope you're all okay out there

and without further ado it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor oh really oh definitely yeah this one this one's gonna be the longest episode ever it doesn't matter this sponsor has been waiting a long time and the time's right and they've came in the swoop straight in they came with a better offer and here it is right this week's sponsor is hey it could always be worse oh no i hate it could always be worse could though school shut yeah had a baby yeah cesarean yeah is it bad it is bad bang husband broke his ankle bitch it could always be worse it could always be worse even when i broke one ankle i'm going but i could have

broke both this morning i didn't even tell you this i was hopping to the front door and i went over on me good ankle and i thought oh i thought if i do both of both of them in, this is it. Well, this is why I'm getting annoyed at you because you keep going up the stairs on your frigging crutches and I'm like, if you fall backwards and break your back, Chris, I will genuinely I'll stand on your face. And when the police come round and they go, oh, why is

there a shoe mark on his face, Mrs. Ramsey? I'll say, oh, must have been Robin with one of me shoes. No, it was me. And I hope he dies right right you know what the biggest lie is in that that you didn't stamp on us

with a slipper that you went and put some actual shoes on when was the last time you put shoes on you lazy bitch it's been weeks I will climb up and down

the stairs in me crutches non-stop because the nurse told us not to she said it's really dangerous and it's actually a piece of piss

it's so easy to do it's easier to go up and down the stairs than it is to go across it's dangerous in and it's actually a piece of piss it's so easy to do it's easier to go up and down the stairs than it is to go across it's dangerous in case you fall back yeah but I've mastered it I've mastered it

and I did it with an Ikea bag around my head loads of stuff in smashing it mate anyway hey it could always be worse it could

annoyingly it could but that doesn't help you in the situation it could always be worse genuinely though everyone hope yous are okay, because we are falling apart. And I don't even feel bad saying that.

You know how everyone's like, positivity. Got none left, mate. Nah, this is, fuck, I am sick as a chip. Well, you said to me this morning about something about throwing toys out of your pram. You're going to keep throwing your toys out of the pram. And I went, I've got no fucking toys left, man. I've got no toys left, and I'm not in a, you know what? I'm not in a pram and I went I've got no fucking toys left man I've got no toys left and I'm not in a

you know what I'm not in a pram I'm in a fucking shopping trolley naked in the rain you're in the kitchen 24 7 I'm absolutely sick

we have turned to that point of where we laugh uncontrollably yeah because it's like a coping mechanism

well I'd cry does that make sense yeah I'd cry if I wasn't laughing we've cried we've cried so much recently. Loads. To the point where our parents are like, guys, are yous alright?

And we're like, no, we're not okay. My mum is convinced I'm having a breakdown. And she's fucking, she's close. I'm close. See, look at us. Look at me go to is to laugh. But I know you're having a breakdown. I'd throw myself in front of a bus,

but they'd say he's hobbling at them. They'd slow down. They'd slow down they'd slow down honestly don't don't I can't laugh because it hurts fucking sick sick

but listen yeah do you know what it is guys I'm going to get the mic in and get this this is what's getting us through listen to this

Megan, this is what's getting us through. Listen to this. Oh, hello, baby. Oh. I mean, that's rude. I don't know what that was. I think he was... Disgusting. Go on, listen, we're 100 episodes here.

Are you trying to ruin it? Might be in a burp. Honestly. I've actually, because you obviously haven't all met Rafe properly yet. He's very cute. He's very gorgeous. He's very gorgeous. He's delicious and he's no bother. You genuinely forget he's there.

But I feel like he might be like one of those evil genius people. Okay, like a Stewie Griffin kind of vibe going on. Yes, have a listen to this. This was at like four o'clock in the morning two nights ago, okay? to go okay jesus he's hatching up a plan him it sounds like a creaking door it's like a creaking door in the wind do you think he's like and then i'll take all the money and And then I'll steal my dad's PlayStation. I'm just looking at him now. No, you wouldn't.

You wouldn't, would you? Very cute. No, you wouldn't. Do we have a jingle? Yes, there is a jingle. Put it on then. Thank you so much, everybody, for sticking with us for 100 episodes.

We absolutely adore you. We will be back, kicking and screaming, whinging, and laughing hysterically. Not next week, but the week after. Shall we do the jingle and do a beef? I think we've covered the beef.

Well, basically, you've got a beef with me. You absolutely cannot have a beef with me. You broke your ankle, Chris. Not on purpose. Does everyone know how I did it, by the way? Does everyone know this? I'll tell you what my beef with you is.

My beef with you is you made me go to that park where I broke my ankle. I didn't make you run around on the grass like a lunatic, though, did I? You made... What am I supposed to do with parks? Stand still. Yes.

Stand on me phone. That's what you do? I know. What kind of parent are you? I'm an interactive parent. I was having fun. I was making memories. You're breaking the ankle. Iron making memories ironically I scored them for life

I don't think you deserve to have a beef with me and I think we should crack on this is the best bits episode there's loads of best bits coming up here's the jingle love yous

bye We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Jingle! So hello guys, thank you for listening. Exciting news this week, innit? Very exciting news.

Very exciting. Do you want me to tell it? Yeah news this week, isn't it? Very exciting news. Very exciting. Do you want me to tell it? Yeah, for people who haven't heard yet, go on. So, I was on my period and then I managed to finish my period in time for going on holiday, which we are this week. Oh, sorry, are you talking about your news? Yeah. Oh, right, yes, sorry. I mean, I'm happy for for you that's really good um

look you're trying to find something else you're predictable in other news christopher is going to be on masterchef i'm doing strictly i didn't think she'd ruin it for us this early on which she already has do you know why i'm ruining it a little bit why because you're trying to make sure you make us prepared to go out a week one that's what you're trying no there's two reasons right well one i mean you know i'm enormously jealous because you know i love dancing yeah and used to kind of do it for a job for a little while and i'm a lot better at it than you yeah

okay that's why i need to go on the telly and learn. Well, that's fair enough. In front of 15 million people a week. Oh, okay. Well, two, I'm not looking forward to you cheating on us. Right, well, look, I can't help if the Strictly curse takes effect and I cheat on you.

It's just one of them things. Just be happy for us in my new life living with a dancer. Well, I'm prepared for it. Yeah. And we never got a prenup, so it's fine. Oh, shit. So I will get the house.

I'll still... Strictly's cancelled. ...get everything. Strictly's cancelled. So it's fine. Can we still do the podcast? Yeah, of course we can. Yeah.

Did you know that my grandad Jimmy got questioned for the Yorkshire Ripper murders? No, I did not. Do you not remember when that bloke, the Mackham bloke... Right....sent in... We are side Jack. The We are side Jack, I did not. Do you not remember when that bloke, the Mackham bloke, sent in... The We Aside Jack.

The We Aside Jack, yeah. My grandad was from Sunderland and he got questioned for it. What? Because I think, I don't know why they did it. Because he was a Mackham, yeah. That's really... Sorry, because he was a Mackham. Is that true? Is that true? See, God, am I... Is that true? Have your parents lied am I allowed... Is that true?

Have your parents lied to you about that? I don't know. I'll ring me Nana. Pass the phone. Your family's ridiculous, by the way. Hi, Rosie. Hi, Nana, it's just me. Nana, dead quickly.

This is really random, right? But do you remember... Did Granda ever get questioned by the police about the We Are Side Jack, like, Yorkshire Ripper tapes? Did he? What happened? A ydych chi'n cofio, a oedd Granda wedi cael cwestiynau gan y polis am Jack y Gwaesodd? Fel, tafiau Rhyper yng Nghymru? A? A? A? A? A?

A? A? Wel, roedden nhw'n dod o hyd, roedd yn debyg o fod yn un o'r person sy'n gweithio'r llythyr, roedd yn gwneud yn ymddiriedol, roedd yn y Rhyper a phopeth, chi'n gwbod? Ie. Felly roeddent yn mynd i lawr a'u ddweud i bawb, roeddant yn cael he was the ripper and everything, you know? Yeah. So they were going round telling everybody. They were getting binges off people from Sunderland, from all over the place, interviewing everybody.

So they come to our house and I said, he's not in, he's at work. He's off murdering. So they come back again, I said, he's at work. So by the time that he says, right, see and we'll come back but I didn't realise in this time frame I'd shifted to Dean Road

so I had to find what used to be fun for Dean Road it was a Sunday morning Jimmy and I were at Novacom and there was no work it was a Sunday morning, Jimmy and I were at Novartown. And there was no one. That's amazing. It was hilarious. So he said, we're coming back at your homes.

So they came back and he had to write the letter what this prankster had written. And he had to write it out twice. Oh, wow. But I had original access to the message. He said, do you know where we go to the auction. I said we'll go, they've nearly sincerely worked on the market so we'll take the, you can't take the van back for me. You've got to go to your father. Wow. They've probably had you top of the list. Wow. Aww. Was me grandad not digging you in the back of the

love it all right i just i was just wondering we're just recording the podcast and we're talking about um we were just talking about it and i said, I'm sure my grandad was questioned. Amazing. So, yeah, class. Thanks, Nana. Was, yes. Love you. Another coffee evening laugh about it. She went, you nearly put him in jail. Tell him you're going to be yours. Class. That's really clever.

Love it. All right, well. Love you. Bye. Love you. Bye. That is fucking amazing. Yeah. How are we 88 episodes in and we're still getting content like that from your absolutely nuts family yeah you've gotten the idea just a paraphrase there

for anyone who can't understand the the phone quality uh or you know or the accent of bridget there so basically to get a background of the story so when the Yorkshire Ripper was happening some guy from up here I think he did a phone recording as well but he wrote a letter claiming to be

the Yorkshire Ripper a few of them yeah he wrote a letter wrote letters claiming to be the Yorkshire Ripper and then did a voice recording as well

so I mean first of all I don't know why they were just asking everyone from Sunderland which seems fucking crazy there's a lot of people in Sunderland crazy but they must have i don't know narrowed it down or whatever

so they go to your nana's house and ask about your granddad jimmy yeah and she basically tells them oh no he's at work yeah but before time he's at work goes on he says they say oh we're going to ask about the yorkshire ripper thing and she's like we're going to yorkshire all the time we've got family in yorkshire we've got multiple ask about the Yorkshire Ripper thing. And she's like, we're going to Yorkshire all the time. We've got family in Yorkshire. We've got multiple connections to Yorkshire. I'm sure she mentioned something about a van there as well, which is great. But not just that.

They visited the house. Yeah. And then they moved. So they visited. The police said, we'll be back. And then they shifted. They shifted. So they literally were like, right, top of the list here, guys.

We've got a fella here. He's from Sunderland. His accent matches. We haven't got his handwriting yet. But, you know, he's the list here, guys. We've got a fella here. He's from Sunderland. His accent matches. We haven't got his handwriting yet, but he's got connections to Yorkshire, and he's just, we're knocked to the door, and lads, you'll not believe it, he fucking moved house the next day.

We've got the bastard. That's amazing. And he had to handwrite a letter. He had to write word for word what they'd written. He had to handwrite it twice. Yeah. Rosie, that is, Rosie, hey. Fucking hell. That is, that could have been the greatest Rosie's mystery ever. I know, shit. Rosie Rosie hey fucking hell that is

that could have been the greatest Rosie's mystery ever I know incredible see if you prepared them if I prepared

and if I had a good enough memory because I knew there was something but then I just thought was that true but yeah

Bridget oh there's so many stories man you're kidding us so many stories amazing Rosie I em I've got a little surprise for you actually because er I had Oh, there's so many stories, man. Are you kidding me? That was amazing. So many stories. Amazing. Yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Rosie, I've got a little surprise for you, actually.

Okay. Because I had, obviously, because I'm Mr. Saturday Night, Boris rang us straight after the thing and said, look, Chris, I'm so sorry. I know you're Mr. Saturday Night. I'm so sorry to bump you from the schedule. We'll put you on on Friday. So that's on, actually, on Friday night,

the semi-final of Little Mixer Search on Friday night and the finals on Saturday night this week, as you listen to the podcast, the date comes out. But anyway, he apologised as he did, you know, we're chatting about the rugby and that. Then he said to me, do I want to give this country an opportunity

to get out of the lockdown? Right. I obviously, I attacked that with both hands. I says, yes, I do. So what he did was he sent me a quiz, right? Right. Lockdown, the sequel quiz right

the rules that he's honestly the rules he's set out 2020 doesn't surprise me anymore the rules that Boris and them other fellas you know there is two

velociraptors pinky in the brain you know in Jurassic Park how the one raptor comes from the front and the other two raptors at the side you didn't even know

they were there that's them two so him and his little velociraptors they have given me a ten question quiz right for you

for me specifically for you called Lockdown the Sequel they're listening now Rosie they're in the other room they're listening now better not be

we're locked down there shouldn't be any yet get out it's work they can't do this from home it's work it's work

same as the guys currently doing my bathroom by the way guys if you hear any noise there's people doing my bathroom just wish me mum and dad were bathroom fetters so i could see them yeah anyway they've given me a quiz this is from the government okay 10 questions basically the way the quiz works is uh lockdown two is the name of the made the made up the movie right and then the

tagline of the movie right yeah would is is basically you've got to guess i say the movie name this is fucking so convoluted what i'm doing is i'm trying to think of an example that i haven't written down here which is really annoying okay so just say jurassic park the lost world right so it's jurassic park 2 the lost world so if i said to you lockdown 2 the lost lockdown you would go oh i think that's jurassic park 2 the lost world right so you've got 10 of them you've got 10 movie names that have been changed into lockdown in lockdown words lockdown phrases you've got to get all 10 right okay and the country is out of lockdown and christmas is safe but more importantly bonfire night is safe right this is a lot of pressure

to be putting on listen i you know in times of struggle and hardship you know your normal person has to step up you know mrs tuesday morning you have to i'm here you have to step i'm here tuesday morning is a very important day of some people's week okay let's see how you do this sounds hard um it is you have to get 100 right but if you do get one or two wrong i'm going to be honest with you right now there is an 11th bonus question that could turn the whole thing around. Why not just ask that one straight away? Because it's not good content. Right, obviously.

It's haphazard. It's just been rushed together. The lads rushed it through. Boris delivered it himself, which I thought was great. That's nice of him. Here we go. Question one.

Okay. What movie is this? What movie sequel is this? Right, okay. They're all sequels. Yes, because the lockdown is a sequel all right okay they're not all twos though they're not all the second sequel some of them are the third okay question one play along listener play along lockdown two lockdown with a vengeance

oh oh i can't give you clues right come, come on then. Is it... What's his face? Bruce Willis. Right, yeah. Avenger. No. Die Hard. Die Hard.

Die Hard with Avengers. Excellent. First one down. Guys, this is going to be... Ho, ho, ho. This is going to be a good bonfire night. Rolling me shoulder to shoulder. Come.

Lockdown. Next question. Yes. Lockdown. Next question. Yes. Lockdown 2. The lockdown strikes back. The Empire strikes back. Boom. Star Wars. Fantastic.

Motherfucking hell. Come on. Question 3. Yes. Lockdown 2. Yeah. Lockdown and lockdown's bogus journey. Oh.

Oh. Bill and Ted. Yay! Bill and Ted adventures. So cute. Bill and ted's bogus journey that's it number three okay okay am i getting these all right this is three right you're doing very very well thank you okay number four yeah lockdown two returned a lockdown is it returned to oz you are doing a lot better than I thought you would. Yes, thank you.

This is amazing. Chris, I really like films. Wow, okay. Come on. Okay. Question five. Yes. Lockdown 2, Lockdown Family Values.

Parent Trap? No, no, I wanted to go again. What, what, what? What is it? Lockdown 2, The lockdown's family values. The Addams. The Addams family values. Yes! Is it right? Can I have that?

That is correct. You can have that. I will accept that. Thank you. I will accept that. I will accept that. Okay. Question number 6. I'm enjoying this, Chris. Question number 6. Lockdown 2.

I hope you're enjoying playing away at home wherever you are as well. Question number 6. Lockdown 2. The lockdown ultimatum. Oh. This sounds spurious.

There's people screaming. The Lockdown Ultimatum. Ultimatum. Is it a marvel? No, we watched them recently. I don't think we watched them although I think it was kind of tapped out weirdly on the second or third one Oh no, what are films?

Yeah Ultimatum, oh Chris I'll give you a clue What? That little baby inside your stomach Yeah Soon it's going to be Here?

Born? Born Identity? Matthew Born? Matthew Born? What's his name? The Born? Or what's it called what Matt Damon does normally

is just so everyone knows that he's in the movie he insists he always keeps his first name hey Matt thanks for coming to script reading

so we're so glad to have you on board so your character is Jason Bourne sorry sorry sorry my character is what

your character is Jason Bourne did you not Sorry, my character's what? Your character's Jason Bourne. Did you not read my contract? All of my characters are called Matthew. Jason Bourne. What's it called, though? The Bourne Ultimatum.

Okay, I'll give you that. Good films, then. I'll give you that. Okay. Number seven. okay number seven question number seven oh right okay oh nearly there

question number seven lockdown two the lockdowners down under oh the down under the

oh what's it called lockdown two the lockdowners down under R-E-S-C-U-E rescue aid society heads held high the rescuers down under the rescuers down under better called Lockdown 2 is it R-E-S-C-U-E Rescue Aid Society yes

the rescuers down under better better than the first one smashing it absolutely smashing it come on I can

I can smell the Catherine wheels from here smell the Catherine wheels think of them sparkles think of everyone writing their name in sparkles come on we got this

we got this okay question number 8 yeah I hope you're enjoying playing along they're probably not they're probably turned off they'll probably skip this Let's think of everyone writing their name in spark. Come on, we've got this. We've got this. Okay, question number eight. Yeah. I hope you're enjoying playing along. They're probably not, but that's fair. They're probably turned off. They'll probably skip this. Lockdown 2.

Yeah. The Winter Lockdown. Winter's Tale? No, The Winter. It's people screaming. It's a marvel. It's... Captain America.

Yes. Captain America, is that Winter's Tale? Buck, Bucky? The Winter Soldier, not the Winter's Tale. Jesus. Winter's Tale. Captain America 2, a Winter's Tale. It was only a winter's tale.

Captain America fucking putting his tree up in there. Right. I would watch that. I'd probably watch it. If he had his arse out I was going to say when he stretches up to put the star on

you'll really see that bum like right okay yes is this the last one no this is question nine and then number ten

right the clues stop now right okay the clues stop now okay it's written here in the

sort of Boris halfway through you know how he likes to sort of say oh you know we'll stick to the regional system we're not locked out I've changed my mind.

He changes his mind. So he's changed his mind here. So the clues stop now. Okay. Okay. Okay. Question nine. Yeah.

Lockdown two, lockdowns. Lockdowns. I mean, saying it again doesn't help. Lockdowns. Lockdown two. Lockdowns.

So in lockdowns, if the first film was called Lockdown, the second one isn't called Lockdown 2. It's just called Lockdowns. So Lockdown and Lockdowns. Jaws? I don't know. I really don't know.

It was Aliens. The sequel to Alien. Oh, okay. The sequel to Alien is Aliens. So you've got so far... Is it? Yes. That is shite. Very clever, I think you'll find. How the sequel to Alien. Oh, okay. The sequel to Alien is Aliens. So you've got so far... Is it? Yes. That is shite.

Very clever, I think you'll find. How dare you? Alien, Aliens. I'll walk down the street now to Horton House Road, to Ridley Scott's Mars House, and I'll tell her. I'll tell her you're slagging him off. Please don't.

Because he's from here. Went to school, me dad. Literally lived down the road. Never mentions it. Thanks, Ridley. Yeah, he doesn't live down the road anymore. I think his parents did, but I think he might have moved them out. I mean, they might't live down the road anymore. I think his parents did. Yeah, I think his parents,

I mean, they might not live here anymore. Well, I think he's really, he's a lot older. Anyway, look, it doesn't matter, right? Ridley Scott aside, you've got eight out of nine, right? Right. This next question,

you can get it right or not, you still have to go into the bonus round to try and save lockdown. Okay. Save Christmas, and more importantly, bonfire night. I would really,

Chris, honestly, the way that this year has gone, I would really like to save Bonfire Night. Wow. Wow. Honestly. Guys, do you see what 2020's done to Rosie Ramsey? The woman who hated Bonfire Night?

Chris, I put a pumpkin outside this house this year. You did put a pumpkin outside this house. And I don't like Halloween at all. I turn off the lights at Halloween. I put a pumpkin outside this year. I need to shift that pumpkin, actually. The squirrel's been having a go at it. It's getting minging.

Okay. Question number 10. Yeah. Lockdown to shift that pumpkin, actually. The squirrel's been having a squirrelly. It's getting minging. Okay. Question number 10. Yeah. Lockdown. Oh, which is where Boris lives. Yes. Lockdown. Does he sleep there?

Anyway. Lockdown 2, Infinity Lockdown. Avengers, Infinity War. Congratulations. That's nine out of 10. Yeah. Okay. That's very, very good.

Right. Okay. Time for the super bonus. Get 100% and lockdown to save Christmas, but more importantly, bonfire night. Yeah. Question. So if I get this right, very good. Right. Okay. Time for the super bonus get 100% and lockdown and save Christmas but more importantly bonfire night question. So if I get this right I've won everything.

If you get this right you've won everything. Okay. It's possibly the hardest question on any quiz ever. Would I get an MBE? Knighthood. Oh my God.

Knighthood. They're going to change it so that women can get knighthood just for this. Can women not get knighthood? Don't think so. I think they get a thing that's similar.

But for this they're going to change it. They're going to change it. Right? So they should. They should have changed it before now. They're going to put it on your left shoulder, your right shoulder.

They're going to put that sword all over you. Yeah. Like a lip balm. Like they're sanitising you with a sword. Like Zorro. Question 11. Yeah. Super bonus.

Name the film. Oh, shit. I forgot how to do anything. Okay. Lockdown 2 Yeah That's it Are you joking? It's just that?

It's the hardest question in the history of quizzes Lockdown 2 I think I know what it is Come on then Oh but I probably don't Okay If you get it

this will be literally ridiculous Right okay Okay Is it Home Alone 2? It's not. Oh, shit, the bed. What? Guys, guys,

emails to shagmynord at gmail.com. Hate mail for Rosie. She could have saved lockdown. She didn't save lockdown. Shocking. Sorry. Shocking. It was Problem Child 2.

Oh, how weird. No. I love that film. Should have got it. Can't believe you didn't get that. Oh, don't. That's really hard. Can't believe you didn't get that. Chris. that's really hard can't believe you didn't get that

Chris you've seen that you could have changed that nobody would have known honestly you prick sorry everyone nice try everyone

get back in your house get back in your house as Rosie's brother said yesterday when he came to pick up an oven enjoy your lockdown see you in a month it's time for Watch Your Beef.

All right, Chris. Hello, Chris. Oh, God. Is this both of them at the same time? Hello, Chris. It's Becky and Belinda.

Oh, God. Hello. Hello, Chris. No, we're just getting in touch with you again. I'm really sorry to interrupt the podcast. Yeah, yeah.

But Barry, we've got some terrible news about Barry. Oh, God, no. No, seriously, don't. He's still alive, Chris. He's still alive. Right. Well, how's that terrible? No, no, it's just the cataracts have spread. The cataracts have spread? From his eyes?

From his eyes. To somewhere else? To his arsehole I've hurt myself It's It's never been seen before And so he's He's at the hospital now And Channel 5 have been in touch They want to make a documentary

About his arseholes cataracts. Hello Chris. Hi. So we were just wondering if you and Rosie wanted to be part of the documentary. Right. We can't offer any money but it'll be exposure for the podcast

and you know Barry will be so so excited to see rosie right obviously you can't actually like he won't be able to see you properly but he'll be able to like feel you there right okay yeah i'm not feeling his arse um um it's a it's gonna be a hard no from me um i don't want to be no listen oh look i Oh, Chris. I don't even know you, man. He's got arsehole. God, that's Chris. You can't be...

The poor... Me Ben. Me Ben. Right, look. Me Ben. He's red-hot. Red-hot with it, Chris. And they're just asking...

They just want a celebrity on it, Chris. Look, I'll make some calls, right? Listen, please. I'm busy. Look, me and Rose, Chris. Look, I'll make some calls, right? Listen, please. I'm busy. Look, me and Rose are really busy, but I'll make some calls, right? We'll get someone, right? Do you remember Chico?

Chico Day? Someone like that. I'll get someone of that ilk. What about your mate Carl Hutchinson? Yeah, if you... Yeah, Carl would definitely be... Oh, no, he's coming on tour with me. No, Carl can't do it.

Right. No. No, I don't think you'd like to be second., Carl would definitely be... Oh, no, he's coming on tour with me. No, Carl can't do it. Right. No. No, I don't think you'd like to be second. I don't think you'd like to be second choice either. So, I don't know what to tell you. I'm really sorry. We can't... You'll have to ask Rosie when she gets back.

We just wanted to try, okay? Anyway... You'll have to ask Rosie when she gets back because she's currently recording our own fucking version of The Clumps where she plays multiple characters. She's a very talented actress. I'll tell you that. Right? the clumps where she plays multiple characters. She's a very talented actress.

I'll tell you that. Right, so it's bye from me. Alright Chris, it's a bye from me, babe. Okay, seamless, seamless. I'll see you both later. Big love. Bye. Who was that fuck

it's getting ridiculous two of them it's like James McAvoy in Split I love James McAvoy what a beef well done I did enjoy that very much.

Well done. God, you are wasted on this podcast. I know. Bloody wasted. Tell me about it. My beef with you this week, and I think Instagram followers and Twitter followers

and some of the Smars and Dazs out there are already familiar with this, but my beef with you this week is on Saturday morning, I think, or was it Sunday? I can't remember. I'm still traumatised. You let our son come upstairs and wake me up with a whistle.

So fucking loud. So loud. He just came up with his whistle. You're just sitting down here. God knows what you're doing. In fact, he woke us up with a whistle and then I didn't get out of bed and then I quickly looked at my phone and your top tweet was I've just let Robin go and wake Chris up with a whistle. I got didn't get out of bed and then I quickly looked at my phone and your top tweet was I've just let Robin go and wake Chris up with a whistle I got out of bed

and I could hear him like hear him wanting to come back up and I was going to get back in the bed after I'd been in the toilet and then I heard him say where's me cricket bat

and then he came running upstairs with a cricket bat and I was like I'm up I'm up I don't know what you were going to do but I'm up

Jesus Christ I'm just you know what it is everyone always says these but I'm up. Jesus Christ. I'm just, you know what it is? Everyone always says these are the days that you'll miss. So I'm just really making sure that they're ingrained in your memory. Do you know how often he asks to come and wake you up when I get up with him? Like, do you know how often he says, I want to go and wake Mammy up? And I go, no. And I barter with him and I let you stay in bed.

And you are giving him accessories to come and wake me up. It was quarter to nine, Chris. I'd been gigging. That's bloody, that's lunch. Quarter to nine. Who do you think you are? Hugh Hefner, eh? Lounging in your bed.

Hugh Hefner must have got up early. Old people get up early. He must have got up early all the time. What? Old people get up early? Of course they do. What do you mean? They just get up early. You must have got up early all the time. Aren't you? What? Old people get up early? Of course they do. What do you mean? They just get up early, don't they?

Yeah, they do, actually. Got up early? That's strange. I know my mum's like that. She's like, being up since half past six, I'm like, why are you getting up? Just can't help it. Well, I tell you what, when I'm your age, I'll be in bed, me. Absolutely none of that.

Would you not oh yeah absolutely yeah my dad does when I speak to my mum my mum's always up and my dad sometimes he rolls out of bed at ten o'clock

he's got life O'Reilly doesn't give a shit doesn't give a shit that's what I'll be like honestly kids will be coming for Sunday then I'll be like oh god

I didn't get in until four boo ya so stop it because it's bullying what's yours he just misses you and my beef with you this week is when you sit on your phone of an evening in bed you leave your mouth open and it's disgusting and all i can smell is your breath. And you breathe like a whale. And do you remember the other night I had to go over and close your mouth? You did.

Why did you do that? How do you not know that your mouth is open? Do you know what it was, right? I was sitting there on my phone and I didn't realise I was doing it. My mouth's obviously gaping open. You do all the time. Like mouth breathing.

And like your hand came in and like sort of touched me chin and I was like, oh, I should probably turn this around for a little kiss. This is lovely. And you just like whacked me jaw and just closed my mouth. I just can't believe that I'm having to tell my husband to close his mouth.

Why? Who breathes through their mouths these days? It's not as if I'm really like like relaxed i don't know i'm doing it and i just breathe through my mouth while i'm on my phone and then you know i'm sternly being told to stop but you know when there's when you're at the dentist no it's not the dentists when is it when you can't breathe through your nose very well and you have to breathe through your mouth if you've got a cold well yeah that's one time but then there's sometimes there's times when you're like i have to breathe through the mouth because i can't breathe through your mouth. If you've got a cold. Well, yeah, that's one time. But then there's times when you're like, I have to breathe through my mouth

because I can't breathe through my nose. Right. And I just, I find it really, I find it personally really hard to breathe through my mouth. Really? So the fact that you're just on the regs deciding, relaxing to breathe.

I'm not deciding, it's just happening. I can't, I don't know why, I don't know why I do it I feel very relaxed when it's happening but then yeah I'm glad you're relaxed but it's not nice

I feel massively self-conscious after you lean over and just flick me head like a fucking Pez dispenser shut your mouth right I'll amend this in the future thank you

what do you beef with me my beef uh again i've got to say my beef is a long-standing beef great that i've had with the best ones yeah long-standing beef um an aged an aged beef if you will a dry like a cured beef great yeah um jerky it popped up at the weekend uh and it's constant and i've addressed it numerous times and you've never fixed it you have absolutely no fucking clue how to stack a dishwasher oh it's madness oh no it's madness it's craziness right but not just that we've talked about before so i'm not going to go deep into that what i'm talking about is this right you uh you and your mom are both terrible at it.

It's disgusting. It's like you're throwing them in. I've done it to me stand up. It's like you're throwing them in from miles away. I tried to teach and you don't need... I sort of tried to show you a couple of times and you've kind of watched and I've thought, is she actually paying attention?

And I've thought, no, she's probably not. And today you solidified it. Just today. I had a different beef until today this happened. You, incredibly, you opened the dishwasher. You cleaned the full dishwasher. You took all the racks out. you cleaned all the crud off the side it was amazing you did all of that and then you went oh hey it's stacking this i don't know how to do it and i went i'll stack it for you darling i went hey as you're here as you've cleaned all you're in a bit of a

productive mood i went do you want to watch and i'll show you exactly how to do it trying to not be patronizing but i was like do you want to watch and i'll show you exactly how to do it, trying to not be patronising. But I was like, do you want to watch? And I'll show you exactly. Do you remember what you said, Rosie? You said, and I quote, I would rather have a wank with a piece of glass. Genuinely said that in your face. This morning. I only forgot about that. It's horrible.

I mean, the visual was just, I mean, it's still upsetting us now. I'll be honest with you, thinking of that visual, the calories are flying off. Something else flying off, isn't it? Oh, my God. Do you remember before Christmas, you... Bringing up the past. No, you farted, right, in the kitchen.

Oh. I walked away because it was disgusting. Yeah. You followed me, right, into the darkness of the room that we were in. Yeah. And you said to me these words. You said... I can't remember this.

In this light, you look beautiful. It was pitch black. Do you remember I do remember do you remember it was there it was literally there yeah at the sofa

in the darkness so yeah you held my face in your hands yeah and you said Ian this light you look beautiful

it was dark it was dark do you remember? I do remember now. It wasn't dark. It was dark, Chris. It was a little glow coming off the telly. We turned all the lights off. We were going up to bed. There was a little glow coming off the telly. It was dark.

You look lovely in the dark. It's not a compliment that you want to hear, to be honest. You look lovely in the dark holy shit no yeah I remember

yeah I said you look lovely is it yeah I don't know what it was it was just one of them things I don't know just in the little shadows

I could just see the little I think it was it just was paining you to tell us I look nice so you had to choose you thought I need to tell us she looks nice but I can't be doing it

when our face is actually real. Yeah, there's got to be a caveat at the end. I don't want you getting too confident. Really made us, just confidence boost that was. I could see you, fuck you, I could see your face perfectly.

There was a lovely glow. It was almost like a candle light and you looked beautiful. It was dark as fuck. So anyway, that's the podcast for anyone stay tuned next week for the um the nearly divorced the nearly divorced beefs well i've got one for you okay is it podcast my beef yeah this is podcast friendly do you know what is it just occurred it was the other day it just occurred it was. And deep down, it's made us really sad. And I think if you really loved us, you would fix this.

And because it's New Year, I'd like you to make it your resolution. Don't make resolutions. Well, I'd like you to make one. What's that bullshit? Well, I'd like you to make one. I'd like you to make your resolution. What? You have never learned to play pool with me.

We've got a pool table that I got years ago. I love pool. I don't like many games, but I like pool. There's a pool table in the other room. You've never even bothered your arse to play pool with me. Well, I'm sorry. Ever. You have never learned how to curl my hair.

I love curling my hair. Right. I think I look really nice curling my hair. You have never learned how to curl my hair. I love curling my hair. Right. I think I look really nice curling my hair. You have never learned to do it. You have never learned how to blow dry my little front bit of my fringe. So it goes up straight. You only can pick one, mate. Pool.

I don't like pool. Why haven't you tried? I find it really boring. I used to play it at college at Martech all the time. That's worse. Why are you saying that? That's much worse. You've played it with other people in the past.

Chris, I played it around the boys. I'm a boy. I'm married to you. I don't have to spend time with you. Do you know what it is? I'll be honest with you. I was in a pub the other night with the lads, and there was a man.

I went to the toilet, and the man, a bloke, just stopped and talked to us. He was like, I've come through for the night with my wife, blah, blah, blah. We're just a man I went to the toilet the man the bloke just stopped and talked he was like I've come through for the night with my wife blah blah blah we're just having a little chat in the toilet

and I saw him later on he was just at the pool table him and his wife were just walking around they were just having a little drink listening to music we're playing pool and I thought

what a lovely what a lovely life he's got you've got two choices right I'm telling you right now alright okay PlayStation or pool well I've got to learn one why'm telling you right now alright okay PlayStation or pool well I've got to learn one

why excuse me because I want to spend more time with you doing stuff I like not watching fucking home shows and shadow and that

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Because you've been home a little bit more often Not gigging as much Looking after Robin all the time I've been getting stuff done Because I've got you know Stuff going on now I'm really sick all the time. I've been getting stuff done because I've got, you know, stuff going on now. Yeah. I am really sick of you constantly asking me

where to take our child. Do you know what I mean? I knew this was coming. Right? If you have Robin for the day, I don't care where you're going. I don't want to have to tell you where to go.

Put his shoes on. Put your shoes on. Leave. Just go somewhere because I couldn't give a shit. Don't ask us where to go.

Don't expect me to tell you where to go. I'm not right near an itinerary. Okay? As long as he's fed and he has a drink and he has a bit of fun

possibly some fresh air as well. Right. Okay. You haven't even got anything to say because you know every time you look after Rob and you're like, Rosie. And I just think, oh, here it comes. Because you know.

Where should we go? Where should I take him? Right. That's right. You know what it is? This laziness on your part and nastiness. What? Okay.

So picture this. It's not a child. We're not married. Right. But you live in Rhodes. You live in Rhodes where you used to work, right? You live in Rhodes. You live in the little area, right?

I'm visiting. Hey, Rosie. Hey, it's Chris. How are you doing? Haven't seen you for a while. Haven't heard from you. You're like, yeah, of course. How's it going?

I go, hey, where's good to go around here? You live here. You know. Oh, I'm not telling you that. What's the fucking point in this? No way. Sorry, Christopher. I'm not telling you that. What's the fucking point in this? No way. Sorry, Christopher, I'm not a fucking brochure. You're not a brochure, you're a parenting manual.

No, I'm not. You've lived here just the same amount of time as me. You've done stuff with them during the day. I know soft play, I know swimming. Other than that, I don't really know where to go. Google. Google? Google.

Have they got offices around here? Oh, well, no. Shit, shit bag. No, Google. All right? Honestly, I guarantee... National Trust. Parks.

National Trust. Beach, whatever the beach. There's three beaches. Four beaches that I can think of, right? Life's a beach. Take all of them. Get a bucket and spade. Stop asking us where to take your child.

I bet you loads of blokes listening do that. I bet you. All women, but mainly blokes, because we are useless. Definitely blokes. Yeah. Okay. Anyway, I'm going to park that for a bit, because it's made us a bit stressed. I might just take him with a tip tomorrow.

He loves the tip. You're not allowed to get out of the car. What is it? I saw a sign, kids aren't allowed to get out of the car at the tip. Oh, he's tall. He definitely looks like a kid though. He's just a 12-year-old bending over.

He's fine. Oh, take him to the tip. He loves it. He does love the tip. Not as much as me. Hey, garden centres and the tip. That's my life now. And I bloody couldn't be happier.

I know. Sometimes I buy stuff from the garden centre, I just take it straight to the tip and throw it away. I love them that much. I don't really do that. My beef with you this week is you did something the other night that was absolutely infuriating. Some might say it was a bit controlling,

a bit of gaslighting, which you've accused me of in the past. I was backed into a corner that I couldn't get out of. I learned from the best past I was backed into a corner that I couldn't get out of alone from the best nah I was backed into a corner that I couldn't get out of and there was no way of not being in trouble

once you'd once you'd set the ball rolling and it was it was manipulative and it was awful but I did win so it was great what was it?

you were making pasta the other night you were making our tea because you're a lovely lovely fantastic cook. Yeah, look after the family, make the tea. You turned to me and said, can you get me a colander? I said, yes.

You said, get the colander out of the Jamie Oliver pan, the big Jamie Oliver pan, right? I said, the big Jamie Oliver pan, and you pointed at the cupboard, that has five Jamie Oliver pans in and one Ikea pan. I said, the Jamie Oliver colander. Which one's that?

What do you mean? You went, it's the big one in there. It's the Jamie Oliver colander. Just get it. I said, that's the Ikea colander. You went,

oh my God. And I quote, because I wrote it down. And I quote, I can't be bothered to argue with you,ris it is the jamie oliver colander just get it out for us please and i thought i would normally leave that but that was incredibly rude and arrogant so this needs to be rectified immediately i got it out i looked at it you went and i quote because i wrote it down go on then.

Have a look on the bottom now to see that it's definitely the Jamie Oliver one. I know I'm right and I can't be bothered to argue with you. I lifted up the pan and the colander. It said IKEA on the bottom. Once I said, that says IKEA. You then said, you're such a dick. And you didn't speak to us for five minutes. You fucking maniac.

I rest my case. I really thought it was the Jamie Oliver one. It wasn't, was it? You didn't just think it, did you? You absolutely believed it so much that you were such a dick about it. Listen, hang on. Hang on a minute.

Right, hang on. Hang on a minute. Right, hang on. Is that a little bit louder? Is that right? Yeah. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. Yeah! Me. Yes. Hello, Chris! I'm sorry yeah me

yes hello Chris oh who's this hello Chris it's Barry you alright son Barry you're back

Barry hello I'm just ringing dead quick I've seen on Twitter seen that you are doing

merchandise yes and I'd love a hoodie please cool so if you just send it to me Barry Beef, Beef Lane

Beef Shield NA34BFJ Thank you and I'll expect that. Thank you very much. I'll have an extra extra small and a petite man. Just go on the website like everyone else.

Sorry Chris. I don't know whether you know this, but you're using my name on the branding. I'd love you to try and prove that, mate. It's very, very common. Beef.

Watch your beef. It's just... Just thought I thought I might get to get like free one. Do you know what your surname is? Like a meat. The name of a meat

that is widely sold everywhere. Do you kick it off in the butchers when you see beef written down? Do you want money for that as well, do you? I just thought it'd be nice. Nope. That's all. So none of the family get a key.

The ma wanted a wine glass. Nope. The last thing your ma needs is a wine glass. I'll tell you right now, I support her. Right. Last thing she needs is a wine glass. To be fair,

she probably just drew it from the bottle. You know what this one you're not getting a hoodie you're getting a t-shirt that'll do that'll do Pegas can't be choosers alright

okay thank you purchase available on the website what was that address again it's exact what was that exact address again

it's Barry Beef Beef Avenue no sure there's a lane Beef Street no down the beef What was that exact address again? It's Barry Beef Avenue. No, sure there's a lane. Beef Street. No. Down the Beef.

Beef Patty. Beef Patty. N-E-3-4-B-F-G. B-F-G, you remember that. Beef Friendly Giant. Thank you. Merch is available for all. Okay, thank you. Oh, so when she hasn't

queued up a noise of a phone going dead she tries to do the noise of the phone going dead and she still does the noise of the phone going dead in the accent

of whichever fucking spurious character she was just doing so there we go merch is available alright yeah good is that right

is that the right address oh it's just fucking how am I Jesus just google it I always find it do you not just find it weird whenever I'm watching TV is that right is that the right address oh just fucking hurry man Jesus just google it I always find it do you not just find it weird whenever I'm watching TV

or anything and they're like and they're like and please you know go to the website and check this out and they say it

like the website word for it just fucking go just google it just open your computer and just google the thing if you can't find it fuck me oh

welcome to 2020 I've had honestly google it or whatever you know if you can't don't worry don't buy it just leave it Jesus oh welcome to 2020 I've had honestly Google it or whatever you know if you can't don't worry don't buy it

just leave it Jesus alright sick of it my beef with you this week oh wow straight in

this has been ongoing this has been ongoing I may have mentioned this before but I don't even know if I have it and I want to bring it if I have

I want to bring it back up and revisit it if I haven't because I think I've been too scared to in the past but I'm feeling brave have bravery have bravery I have it and I want to bring it if I have I want to bring it back up and revisit it if I haven't because I think I've been too scared to in the past but I'm feeling brave have bravery have bravery

I'm feeling like I want to bring that big shout out to Staff Let's Flatter to get into series 3 on channel 4 we all need it we all need it

oh god yeah I want to tell you right now I'm sick of this I feel like it's double standards and I'm fed up as I say I may have mentioned it but I'm not sure alright

when I have Robin for the day when it's just me and him when you're doing something and i've got to have robin i've got to take robin somewhere i've got to have robin it's strict from instruction from you it's water veg fruit no sweets no toys no magazine don't buy him anything don't let him have anything make sure he's exercising it's like i'm taking the poor little fucker to a boot camp for the day. When you've got him, it's the land of milk and honey. It's like fucking Home Alone 2, lost in New York. You're buying him magazines.

You're giving him toys. He's fucking having ice creams. He's watching his iPad. You're throwing money at him. Just, Robin, hold this bucket. Here's all this money off your mom. Yay. Oh, your dad's got it.

Chris, don't let him look at any sugar. If you let him look at some sugar tomorrow, I'll kill yous both. I'm sick of it. Have you noticed you do this? Oh, maybe. I don't know. I'm sick of it.

Do you know what it is? It's Chris. Listen, I'm a working girl now. Right. Finally got some money in the bank. Right. I'm going to treat me a little bane you know what I mean

I do that that's bullshit yeah I have noticed I do it you do it sick of it only recently only during Covid times because I'm miserable

no no this has been happening a while we're all miserable I could go back through my notes and find that this was first noted down by me a while ago oh is it really

it is it's just like you go up to Dick what's he had has he had any veg oh I've got it tomorrow so we're just going to, I'm not going to have

any three square meals. We're just going to turn on a chocolate fountain in the morning and strap his fucking face to it. He's going to drink that all day because he's with his ma'am. Fed up.

Anyone, email in if you're, email in if your partner does this. This is ridiculous. Fed up. This is ridiculous. You're being really over the top. No, it isn't.

You're landing, Logan. Rosie, I'm taking him to the shop today. I've got to go and get some shopping in there. Is it alright if I get him a little magazine or something? No, he's had loads. No, don't. He's had loads. I've got more.

I'm buying him a fucking car. Sick of you. It's bullshit. I'm actually calling bullshit. Nah, you do. I'm exaggerating for comic effect but you do you do

fair enough we'll talk about this later there you go there you go there you go okay it's time for questions from you lovely people questions from the public

you lovely people you lovely people people got one here let's go straight in this is from Louise hi Chris and Rosie loving the podcast. So

as we are all away, your beef with each other is pure gold. Thank you. Thank you. But what is your beef with people in general? So she's giving an example. She says like today I was trying to leave Tesco and basically it took me about 72 hours to get out of the shop because people just walk so slow

after paying for their shopping. Yeah. Yeah. And they block the entrance with their trolleys. Yeah, I can get on that. I hate people. I hate everyone. Do you want to go first or me? You go first. Okay. Not so much people

in general, but I cannot stand people who work in restaurants. You're going to say the same one. Am I? Yeah. Am I really to say the same one. Am I? Yeah. Am I really? Yeah. Right.

Hold on. Okay. Guys, this is going to sound like it's planned, but it's not planned. Right? What's the question? After the bill. Right.

Okay. Right. Let's say it at the same time. Right. All right. Hang on. Hang on. So after you,

when they're giving you a bill or when you're paying in a restaurant or when you're leaving the restaurant. Or a clothes shop or something. Or a clothes shop or any kind of service. They say, we'll say it after three. One, two, three. What are you doing leaving the restaurant or a clothes shop or any kind of service they say we'll say it after three one

two three what you got planned for the rest of the day yes is that yours that's literally the first one

that came to mind hate it so if you didn't hear that for the garbling guys it's when in a shop or in a restaurant someone who's serving you for no reason

will just go what you got planned for the rest of the day? They don't care. They don't give a shit. They've been told to ask that. I know. When you leave in a restaurant to say what you've got planned for the rest of the day, and sometimes in shops, in shopping centres, they genuinely say,

so you're just doing a bit of shopping today then? Oh. No, mate. No. Like, or they go, oh, Emma. Oh, fuck. Is this a bag of... Is this what this is? Have I just bought this stuff? Seen it on the telly.

I've been shopping. Didn't know what it was. Yeah. Oh, I feel like the last of sex in the city. I just find it, as a person who's worked in restaurants and shops, I find it really, like, fake. You don't care what you're doing for the rest of the day. How many people have you asked that today? What are your plans? Think of something else. I don't care what are you doing for the rest of the day how many people have you asked that today what are your plans

like think of something else I don't want to just anything anything at all are we dicks please on social media let me know are we dicks for this

but I just can't I'm paying the bill I'm about to leave I've ordered my food with you I've had a big crack on with you like you're taking me card out of the machine or whatever

and it's what you got planned for the... Oh, getting the fuck out of here is my first plan and you are slowing that shit down? Oh, no, are we horrible? I don't know. Maybe we are. I don't know.

Do you know what? I would never have got annoyed by that, but I've been married to you for too long and your bitterness is rubbing off on me. Hey, I'm not bitter. I'm a happy little chap. You are not a happy little... Get lost.

Put your suntan cream on. I'm a rare sunshine. You're absolutely not. I used to be a unicorn. Do you know I've started telling them now and then when I can be bothered. It's better if I'm not with you, but now and then if they're going.

Go plan for the rest of the day then. I will... If I can, I will say a funeral. Just to shut them down. I will say a funeral just to shut them down. I'm burying me best mate. Ask me. What have you got planned for the rest of the day? A couple of wanks. just to shut them down I will say a funeral just to shut them down burying me best mate ask me what have you got planned

for the rest of the day couple of wanks can we do it should we do it I enjoyed this yeah it's very short hi Chris and Rosie

our safe word is cheesy muffins what's yours? It's from Paul and Jane. Oh, my God. Right, I don't understand safe words. Right. Well, I'm worried about our listeners now,

because that is... I mean, we started with the foursome on the first episode. If you haven't heard that, go back and have a listen to that. But that's... I mean, we've got,

these are, these are bondage people here. Who are you having sex with? Edward Cezanne? Do you know what I mean? Safe word? What's happening? What's happening?

Well, these are people who like it rough. So these are, I'm assuming if you've got, if you've got a safe word, these are people who like to be hurt. So, but from what I understand

from essentially billions, the from essentially Billions, the TV show Billions, where Paul Giamatti's character's into all that. Oh yeah. The getting hit or whipped or slapped or the paddle across the bum or whatever it is, but the screaming, ow, stop, no, ow, stop, is part of it. So the ow, stop, no, ow, stop is part of the thing.

It's part of the enjoyment for both of them. So then when you say cheesy muffins you go all right okay that's like that's the cheat code that's out of it do i mean plus cheesy i could in the throes of passion the idea of cheesy muffins will really i mean that'll that'll that'll have your erection hitting the floor in no time cheesy muffins just make me hungry if i'm honest i wasins. Our safe word is cheesy muffins. What's yours? Our safe word is I don't want to lie in your fucking armpit.

Our safe word is if this lasts longer than three minutes then we're not doing it. Our safe word is can you be arsed? Our safe word is, can you be arsed? Our safe word is, not that one! I want to share a story about a guy I met online.

Ooh, the joys of online dating. Yes. Turned up for our first date and all was going well. He turned up. Ho first date and all was going well he turned up hooray look like his picture etc and conversation flowed until i asked him what he did for work he then told me that he was looking for another job as he was not happy where he was i started expressing some sympathy to this and asked a few more questions to find out what he didn't like he then told me rather

proudly that he was on a final warning for excessively loud and orderless his words flatulence final word Final warning. Final warning. Excessively loud and orderly. I've got tears in my eyes. He proudly told me. Final warning for excessively loud and orderly. His words. You know what? And for excessively loud and odourless.

His words. By this point, he was smiling as if he'd achieved a gold medal or something. I was stunned and edged my chair further away. He finished the story. What are you edging away for, my love? They're odourless. You can't smell them, love. You want to be plugging your ears, not your nose? He finished the story saying he thought it was unfair

and they just weren't his kind of people. All the colleagues had complained. Oh, fuck me. Oh, can I explode? He's the best person I've ever heard. Final warning. How did the first two warnings go? he's the best person I've ever heard final warning how did how did the first

two warnings go oh Rob listen I've heard that you like the dude final warning listen Rob look the first

couple of times were a laugh mate but erm people are furious honestly morale's dropped out there you need to just stop it

what's he doing listen Rob Moira was on the phone the other day and a client heard and it's just too much where did he work where did the work

it doesn't say but he genuinely thought it was really unfair and they just weren't his kind of people she didn't see him for a second date

not his kind of people I can see him like I can actually see him just Rob what's the matter with you this man it's natural better out than in second date. Not this kind of people. I can see him. Like, I can actually see him just, Rob, what's the matter with you, this man?

It's natural, better out than in. Funny man. Smell the air, my buff is there. When she told him she didn't want a second date,

he was really shocked and said, apparently, it always happens to him. Because, dude dude stop telling people you're on your final warning he's on another job fucking hell I would love to see the

reference he gets from that job what a div so funny I see you are fired for your other job well you're not going to believe why, mate. Bloody bunch of boring sods. Prop allowed me for it. Class, right?

Don't smell though, don't worry. They didn't like it. No one laughed. Didn't get it. Where's the worst place? Where's the worst place he could have worked? Oh. Think of it.

Somewhere. Right. Building site. Right. One of them little cabins. port-a-cabin. I've got the worst one. I don't think there's anything worse that you could have. Right, come on.

Chief Mourner. Marching along at the front of the fume. Do you know what though? I do find pumps funny. Yeah. But if it was all the time. Someone you work with. Honestly, I'd be furious.

Yeah, and I don't know why. I've got an image of them in my head. They're not odourless. Nah, they're not. He thinks they are. Nah, they stink. He thinks they're odourless. Everyone loves their own brand. Oh, yeah. He thinks they're odourless. They're not orderless. Nah, they're not. He thinks they are. Nah, they stink. He thinks they're orderless. Everyone loves their own brand.

Oh, yeah. He thinks they're orderless. They're not. They're minging. They're absolutely not. I bet they're the worst. Oh, God. Everyone complained.

All of everyone in the office complained. I don't want it. I love that. He's looking for a new job. So instead of just not farting, he's actively looking for another job. I know. In the interview, what's important to you in a job, sir?

Well, I want to be able to fart with absolute impunity. I want to be able to let them loose whenever I can without being judged. Can you offer me that as an employer? Imagine if he was a judge. He wouldn't need a hammer. So, it's always good when we get an email like this. I always read it if it says this.

Don't start lying and putting it on the emails. I shouldn't have said that. But anyway. Please keep this anonymous. Then just please again. Then just please again. And just actually sign it off, anonymous listener. Even though our name and email address are above, but I'm never going to read them out.

Before my friend and her boyfriend officially started seeing each other, he was messaging a lot of girls. And on the grapevine, we heard he'd slept with them too they got together and he stopped liking the girls photos and deleted them off social media and so on now six months in i've noticed he is liking one particular girl's tweets and insta pics again me and my friend spoke about this and she said that she's seen this girl's name on his lock screen as a message but

he brushed it off saying that he was uh asking her about a job her uncle had advertised what should my friend do is liking photos insignificant does this count as cheating if he's been with her before what do you guys think we love a bit of juice like this i've got to be honest we bloody love a bit of juice like this do you know what it's just so complicated nowadays, isn't it? With relationships. Back in the day, you know, you didn't... There wasn't the option to like people's pictures and stuff like that. Well, yeah, I imagine back in the day it was a lot more clear I could

because it would be, where have you been tonight? I've been at that lass's house looking through all her photo albums. Giving her a thumbs up every time I like that picture. That's a nice bikini. Just looking at her and saying, like.

Can you imagine? Anyway, I stumbled across this recently. It's a bit of a story. Love a story. But I just thought you might enjoy it because I was reading it

and I was like, but then it's good. It's not a question or anything. It's just a story. But I just thought you might enjoy it because I was reading it and I was like, but then it's good. It's not a question or anything. It's just a story. Not a problem at all. Hey, if you want to send me a little story, get in touch. Shagmoudinoid at gmail.com. That was nice for you.

Well done. Yeah. I thought you were going to say something sarcastic. No, no, not at all. Okay. Are you ready? A few years ago, I started a new job and at lunchtime, I walked into the local town to have a wonder.

I found a small cafe and thought, oh, this looks nice. I'll have a quick cup of tea. I went in and ordered a cup of tea and a four-finger Kit Kat. Oosh. When I turned around, there were no tables free. However, I spotted a little elderly gentleman with some seats free on his table. I walked over and politely asked if anyone was sitting there. There wasn't, so I sat myself down. He was just sat there with his pot of tea watching the world go by

and I had my headphones in, casually scrolling through social media as you do. I was sat minding my own business, having a sip of tea and noticed the elderly man pick up my Kit Kat, open it and have a finger. I was traumatised. I honestly didn't know what to do. I avoided eye contact and was messaging my friend like, oh my god what do I do? A minute or so later I picked up the kitkat and helped myself to a finger quickly followed by the elderly man helping himself to another with one finger left i rightly picked it up and ate it screwed the wrapper up and threw it back

on the table i couldn't believe what had happened still Still no eye contact, yet we had just shared my Kit Kat. Five minutes later, the elderly man got up and left. I thought, thank God for that. I've never felt so awkward in my life. That's terrible. Ten minutes or so after that, I also got up, ready to leave, put my coat on, etc, and went to put my phone in my coat pocket. However, it was at that very moment that I wanted the floor to swallow me up.

I only pulled out the kid card that I had bought. No fucking way. No fucking way, man. I had put it in my pocket after I had paid as there were no trays available and I couldn't carry everything. So, basically, I had just sat there eating the elderly man's Kit Kat

thinking it was mine and he didn't even say a word. Oh, bless him. I'm going say a word. Oh, bless him. I'm going straight to hell. Oh my God. That was... That was an epic saga. That was like the Shawshank Redemption.

I know. It had twists, it had turns. He was the villain, then he was the victim. Oh my God. Poor Brooke. She's just like snapping her finger as always you beauties uh email shag mary annoyed at gmail.com uh send us your questions your thoughts your dreams your hopes

your office polls um or you could do what some people did uh which is on saturday night after strictly rosie was in the vip tent bit that you go to afterwards and um rosie said a collection of ladies had came up to her and told her one of the best stories that she'd heard for the podcast um i said amazing what is it rosie said i'm not going to tell you i'll tell you on the podcast so much so i've been looking forward to this because i went to the bar later on and the three ladies in question came up for a photo. Rosie spilled a drink on herself. Yes or not? Yes or no? Yes I did. You spilled a drink on yourself

while frantically running across the room shouting, don't tell him I'm going to tell him on the podcast. So this has been built up so I'm buzzing for this. That was nice because that was the first time I met Kevin Clifton as well. Yeah. And he just saw us spill a drink on us and probably thought,

what a fucking clown. If anyone's heard this, they know you're a clip. Exactly. So yeah, so met these three lovely girls. I can't for the life of us remember the names.

I'm so sorry. I think one was called Bay or Bow, like Beatrice. I can't remember. Anyway, they were absolutely lovely. Lovely, lovely girls.

The stop was outside the toilet and they were like, we love the podcast. I was like, that's amazing. Thank you so much. We've got an amazing story for you and i was like oh okay thinking when someone says they've got an amazing story it's normally a shit story well i

did i kind of thought this might be funny and it might be not funny but i was like i'll hear you So, one of them told me that she used to work with a lady who went to a wedding, a broad wedding. Okay, it was in Portugal. The morning of the wedding, it got called off. They were all in Portugal. And the wedding got called off. And it got called off. Wow, okay. The reason it got called off is the bride went into the honeymoon suite because she'd forgotten something.

She went in there and the groom was with his mother. Can you guess what was happening? No. Can you guess? I'm scared to. So the bride went into the honeymoon suite the night before the wedding. No, the morning of the wedding.

The morning of the wedding. She walked into the honeymoon suite because she forgot something. She saw her husband-to-be and his mother in there doing something. But can you guess? I can't guess.

Shall I tell you? I don't know if I want to know. The bride walked in, found her husband-to-be, love of her life, sucking on his mother's tits. Shut the fuck up. No way. Apparently so. No.

No way. Apparently so. No. One last bitty. Do you want to hear what else? There's more. Not more. He was in his suit.

Why is that worse? Why is it worse? Why is it worse that he's in the suit? He was in his suit. And then apparently. Why is it worse? Because I went worse that he's in the suit? He was in his suit. Why is it worse? Because I went a bit deeper. I was like, what did he say? Apparently he said he does it when he's nervous.

Fucking hell, man. Are you disgusted or shocked or amused? I am. I feel sorry for them both. Why? The mom and him. The fact that they think that that's okay. Why?

Do not feel sympathy for them. Why is she letting him for one? Why is he wanting to? There's not going to be no milk in them anymore. Unless. Unless. Rosie, I have seen you chew on a straw after you've finished a carton of Ribena. So don't you be giving it about there's no milk in there anymore.

What do you mean? You know, he's just after the sensation. He's after the chew. Oh, for God's sake, that's disgusting. No, unless there might be milk if he's done it consistently the whole time. That is mental. Because you keep lactating.

That is... I can't get my head around it. Isn't it lovely? I don't feel sorry for them, actually. I think I'm angry at them now. I think I'm going through the seven stages of grief. His poor bride-to-be had to walk in and see... Fucking hell, man.

...a husband-to-be sucking on his mum's boob. That is... Oh, my God. I've gone all lightheaded. It's horrible, isn't it? That's incredible. Are you glad I kept it? I am glad you kept it, yeah.

I am glad you kept it. But, honestly, it's been rattling around my head knowing what that was. I've been so nervous I was sucking my mask earlier on. Shut up. We've got some fantastic news for everyone. I mean, I don't know if you'll be happy or sad.

Rosie, do you want to tell them? So, if you remember, breastfeeding groom. Yeah. I like to call him BFJ. Big, friendly, giant breastfeeding groom. Yeah. Him and his lovely... Sorry, if you're not familiar with the story,

the guy, I mean, you must be if you listen to the podcast. If you haven't heard it, go back. The lady who went into her honeymoon suite on the morning of her wedding and found her husband-to-be in his suit, which is the worst bit weirdly, breastfeeding from his mother. Them.

Carry on. They're back together. They're back together. Plenty more fish in the sea. Or not. She's obviously so past it and thought, you know what?

Let's do this. Wedding's back on. His mum's not invited. I wonder if she started breastfeeding him now instead. That mum has got to be dried up soon. I wonder if she started breastfeeding him now instead. Oh, for f... That mum has got to be dried up soon. I'm telling you.

It's horrible. No, but come on. It's horrible. You can't be breastfeeding for that long. You lose... Oh, sorry. Children. Sorry about that.

I'm just whacking the mic. So again. They lose the ability to suck after so long. Yeah, like after about six or seven years old, they lose the ability to suck. So I don Yeah, like after about six or seven years old, they lose the ability to suck. So I don't know what he's doing. What do you mean, lose the ability to suck? Like the tongue doesn't go in the same position.

Oh, right, okay. I watched a documentary a few years ago about children who were still breastfeeding, and the little girl was about seven, and she was gutted because she couldn't do it anymore. Oh, why is it that I'm so happy that she was gutted because she couldn't do it anymore oh why is it that I'm so happy that she's gutted

she was like it won't work and her mum was like oh I'm sorry oh Jesus Christ yeah no see I have just

mentally in my head stuck a big fat two fingers up with that kid right in her face right in her seven year old face can't breastfeed

anymore can you seven years old life's't breastfeed anymore can you seven years old life's shit mate get on with it so funny but yeah apparently so I'm still in the world of

is it true who knows it seems to be true because people really seem to be that story did the rounds it did the rounds a lot of people knew about that massively

it's been on other podcasts and everything yeah but yeah we but every time we speak to someone about it That story did the rounds. It did the rounds. Massively. It's been on other podcasts and everything. But every time we speak to someone about it, and it's been people in London, it's not up here, they're like... You can't, sorry. You can't just decide that only people in London are breastfeeding. No, I don't.

I'm not. I'm just saying. You know what? They don't do it in the North. You know what? Honestly, you get inside that M25 and everyone's just sucking their mum's tits. It's disgusting. I'm sticking saying. You know what? They don't do it in the North. You know what? Honestly, you get inside that M25 and everyone's just sucking their mom's tits. It's disgusting.

I'm sticking up for... She didn't mean it. I didn't mean it like that. I meant it. Anyone we ever talk to in London, so London in work, in like offices, they always know somebody who knows them and they say it with such...

What's the word? Yeah, such conviction. Such conviction. Yeah, they're so convinced. So I'm like, this is true. Yeah. Oh, gosh. Or it might be a London-based urban myth, but either way,

I'm glad we brought it to the masses. A London-based urban myth. Yeah. I like that. Well, anyway, they're back together. So that's, you know, that's happily ever after. Do you know what? May they live happily ever after.

Yeah. And his mum could always express. Express yourself. Do-do-do-do-do. Oh, you've got to do now. Express yourself. Oh, gosh. I mean, just having to grow the fuck up.

I still take issue with him. Oh, he does it when he's nervous. Fuck, he's a grown man. You suck his thumb. Bet he wishes he could suck something else. What? And I found him bent double, back spasming with his own knob in his mouth

and will wield him down the aisle like a closed clam. Can I just ask you're a boy okay you've had a penis your whole life I'm a real boy have you ever tried to to

put it in your mouth yes 100% yous are all disgusting 100 million percent yous all want oh Rosie come on man you're talking teenage 100 million percent you're all one oh Rosie come on man

you're talking teenage boy here man have you really teenage boy I've got a Rosie I've got a really really really horrible thing to tell you

I've got a horrible thing to tell you I don't think I want to know we've got a four year old he's going to be a teenage boy one day I'm telling you he's going to be doing all kinds

he's going to be jizzing in socks nah nah nah I don't want to know he's going to be fucking the gap in the couch. No, he will not. Honestly, he will.

You bet. What am I so afraid? I will, I'll chop it off. I will chop it off. Absolutely not. This is, this is, I have never even said this out loud, ever. I remember when I was younger,

I tried it, tried to suck me own dick as a kid. Oh God. And then I had a dream once that I could do it when I was younger I tried it tried to suck me on dick as a kid and then I had a dream once that I could do it and I woke up buzzing because I was like

oh I was thinking the dream was real and I was like oh no I can't do it honestly every single teenage boy tries it it's just

like the most exotic thing I did as a teenage girl was have a look at me bits so I knew where a tampon went exotic thing I did as a teenage girl was have a look at me bits so I knew where tampon went. Exotic?

Like, aye, that's a liberty. You're drinking a can of lilt while you did it. What do you mean exotic? A teenage boy trying to suck his own knob in a bathroom is exotic. I've been wasting money on holidays for you. Fucking hell, what do you want, a caravan? Exotic. Exotic was maybe the wrong word. Honestly, I've met this new lad. You want to see him? He's got his own dick.

He's so exotic. Do you mean erotic? No, exotic. It's exotic. Did I mean erotic? I don't know. Oh, gosh. Don't I'm clearly crying.

Just being a holdy, it was dead exotic where'd you go skegness it's not exotic I was sucking my own dick while I was there that is exotic as fuck mate I'm making you laugh today

I'm well happy I love making you laugh stop no stop why now all I can see Is you Fourteen

Trying to suck your own dick With a With a kid Hawaiian shirt on Oh my god With ten With ten CC on in the background I don't like cricket Oh no I love it I love it Oh, with 10cc on in the background. I don't like cricket.

Oh, no. I love it. I love it. So, Rosie, we spoke, got a letter a couple of weeks... A letter? A letter, Chris, eh? Email, I'm trying to... Happy 1997. It's Christmas, man, it's all letters.

We got an email from the person who had a cup of tea in the shower. Oh, yes. Which has enraged... A follow-up one. Well, no, no, no. This is from someone else, but it has enraged and enlightened the whole... Everyone's talking about it. Everyone on Twitter is telling us stuff that they eat in baths and stuff like that.

I got an email here from someone, right? Hi, guys. I was just listening to episode 94 about the girl who took a cup of tea into the shower and I had to share my story. I think I remember rightly the subject of this email was something like chris will be disgusted so i clicked on it straight away oh and she's right all right has it got anything to do with christmas nothing to do with christmas right well chris when i said to you can you get some questions from the public for the christmas bonus special uh one it said chris that's half a christmas right two it

said i'd be disgusted so i had to read it right come on then so a bit of backstory about 11 years ago i had just split up from my husband and i felt free as anything so i thought i would enjoy a lovely hot bath and maybe a little snack in there too so i just right so that's that's an intense marriage people celebrate different things no but was she not allowed to have a bath from what i can tell you she was living like cinderella i celebrated this man ruled with an iron fist i'm having a bath love you'll have a shower you've seen the water bill oh there is people like that well good listen good for her come on well you might not. Okay.

I thought I'd enjoy a lovely hot bath and maybe a little snack in there too. Yeah. So I decided, what did you take in the bath, Rosie? I'll give you three guesses. Okay. As a snack. She's written snack. What did you have?

It's definitely a full meal, but you took it in the bath. Okay. She's taught my language. Right, what did you took? Great. Three. What? what oh you want me to guess you've got three guesses right after your first guess to spend an hour depending how far you've gone with it if you're close or if you're too far away i'll add the next little bit of the sentence in that'll help you right okay so she's took she's saying it's a snack but you're saying it's a full meal she's gone in the bath with it right is it a sandwich?

No, but you're close. You are quite close. Go on. Next one. It's not a sandwich, but you're close in the way the food is consumed. Oh, so it's picky food. Yes, like with your hands.

Right. A piece of cake? No. You've gone further away. It says here, I thought I'd enjoy a lovely hot bath and maybe a little snack in there too, so I decided to order myself a pizza.

A kebab. Oh! Oh! Dirty, dirty sod. Oh, right. Dirty sod. Right, well, you know, she's just split up

from her fella. Yeah. She wants to have a nice bath. Fucking me. With her favourite food. And I tell you what, though. Wash your hands straight after. While.

During. During, yeah. During. Well. Oh, kebab. That is the least decadent thing. You ready? Right.

You ready? Sad. I put my food on the side while I got myself settled in in the bath. Grabbed my kebab and started chomping down on it. Suddenly, bits of salad and kebab fell in the bath with me. So obviously, I felt I had to get them out as I'm not a complete animal. Could have fooled us, love. This is the best bit, right?

This for me is the best bit. i thought i was a bit of a scumbag this is no it gets worse right it gets worse before you ask yes i did finish my food wrapped in my towel sat on the bathroom floor what so she's all dropping in the bath that you couldn't handle it right got out wrapped herself in a towel and sat on the bathroom floor and finished that kebab this she didn't need she did not need to involve

the bath element nah to this meal could have just had a kebab you could have just had a kebab on the sofa watching the telly yeah

why and before you ask I would definitely do it again really I just had to share as I can imagine the utter disgust from Chris, which is always fun to listen to.

P.S. That's not why me and the ex split up. I never ate in the bath when he was around. Thanks, Herm. Brackets, I'll share my name as I'm not even embarrassed about it. Love it. Well, good for you. That's amazing. Well done, love.

Well done. That's amazing. Why? Have I ate in the bath before? Ka-bath. I had a crumpet in the bath once. I had a crumpet in the bath once. You had a crumpet in the bath once. Actually, not that long ago.

You brought me a crumpet whilst I was in the bath. That might have been after that email, you know. I did bring you a crumpet when you were in the bath. It might have been after that woman sent that email, yeah. But there's a kebab in the bath. Bit much, innit? I just think baths are really sacred. I just think and really holy and I just feel

like sharing it with the people. But like the drip a lot you're going to be getting like drips of like chilli and garlic sauce dripping into your bath. Yeah. It's going to be sitting oily on the top. You're going to fucking stink. You're essentially washing yourself with a kebab. It's just not. I just know. I kind of get on board with that

and where's she got the kebab from how would you do your bath well take having a Chinese takeaway in the bath yeah it's just no I can it look at love thank you so much and I love you from the bottom my heart because I'm a bath girl as well and I've had a kebab before but together I can't agree with it. But I hope you're happy now that you've left here. You sound like a dick anyway.

You eat all the kebabs you want in the bath. Merry Christmas. I've come up with a new feature for the show. Got a new feature. Amazing. Very exciting.

Yeah. So do you know how we get questions from the public? Yeah. We'll do that in a minute. But this is just like an extra thing. Okay. Because, obviously, we get sent a lot of poo stories.

Ovs. But, you know, not everyone wants to hear about poo all the time. Well, I think people do, but I just thought we could once a week talk about a poo story. Right. The best poo story. Okay. So, I've come up with a jingle. Right.

Do you want to hear it? Yes. It's going to be live. Okay. You've recorded it on your phone? Well, no, I'm going to harmonise with the recording on my phone. Good God. Let's talk about shit, baby.

Let's talk about poo and wee. Let's talk about all the good shits and the bad shits that have been. Let's talk about shit. Let's talk about shit with a little bit of shit. Let's talk about shit. Shagged, married and shit. Hey. You used your phone as your own backing singer.

That's the saddest thing I've ever heard. This one time at band camp, I used my phone as my backup singer. Fucking loser. Does it sound good, though? It sounded really good. I'll be honest with you, it sounded really good. I'm very excited for this poo story. Let's go.

Here we've got a little cheeky little poo story. Hello, Rosie and Chris. This is from Anonymous. They need to clarify that. Is it now? Have they kept Anonymous the whole way through while they're going to fucking name themselves? Hey, that was funny.

What a pillock. I know. No, it's Anonymous. My husband's friend spent a romantic night in a fancy hotel with his new girlfriend. They got down to business, moving all around the bed, doing lots of different positions and different acts of a very sexual nature. Good Lord.

I know, fun and games. When they had finished and she'd gone to the bathroom, he noticed a massive skid mark on the pillow. Oh, Jesus. What? Again? I'm going to have me catchphrase. What is wrong with everyone?

I'm sorry. You know if you've got a skiddy arse. Don't be shagging someone with a skiddy arse. Go and have a courtesy wipe, you filthy pigs. You filthy... Do you know what I mean? You can feel it. You know, you know, it's uncomfortable.

You can feel if there's a bit of scapegoat on it. Yeah. So, owing to what they'd just done, he knew it was his. Fuff. It gets better. I hate him. Because it was a very new relationship and he was embarrassed, he quickly turned the pillow over and had an idea start to form in his head.

Oh. When she came back in and they were settling down for the night, Jesus Christ. He marched down to reception with the pillow. Shut up, he did. They both had a look and agreed it was a shit skit. A shit skit. He feigned anger,

got dressed, picked up the pillow and marched out into the hall with the pillow in hand to complain of reception. He went in the lift to another floor, left the pillow in the hall and returned back to his room saying he had complained they'd apologized and taking this and taking this skiddy pillow away wow this is just put on the end this is all a true story what i got that's actually got so he didn't take it down he pretended to very good so good. He just left it outside someone's room.

So I'm assuming somewhere in our 10,000 emails, we're going to have another one of just a random person. One day I was staying in a hotel and in the morning I walked past and someone left a skid marked pillow in the middle of the fucking hallway for no reason. It's the mystery pillow. We still talk about it to this day. I think the thing I love about these poo stories though,

We still talk about it to this day. I think the thing I love about these poo stories, though, is the sheer, like, you would be mortified. Mortified, yeah. If that happened. God. Do you know what I mean? Oh, man.

How are you getting, what kind of crazy sex are you having when you are basically at the other end of the bed, your arse is up near the pillow, the business end of the bed, scraping your arse along like a dog pulling his arse along the carpet like a dog with worms well no there could have just been he could have been sat down on the pillow with his arse

open arse why does he have his gaping arse crack on a pristine white fancy hotel pillow this man does not deserve to be in hotels he should be he should be his photo should be up on a pristine white fancy hotel pillow. This man does not deserve to be in hotels. He should be.

He should be. His photo should be up in the reception of every hotel and he should walk in and he should go, absolutely not, get out. Hide the pillows. It's skid mark, Steve. Hide the pillows. Animal. Can you remember when we went to that hotel in Edinburgh?

Can you remember? Yeah. There was a turd in the toilet we're checking in to a hotel in edinburgh really nice hotel i don't even want to name them because i don't want to slag them off because they're lovely we're chatting keep posh hotel went into the room unpacking everything you went to the toilet and you came out you're like you're seeing this and you just had a poo in the toilet and you didn't want to admit you had a poo absolutely not i was gonna ask you the same thing wow no i remember we got a free bottle of wine out we did i went downstairs but i was at reception and i was like i'll tell them and i stood there the lady was on the phone and there was no one at reception i

thought right i'll tell her and i'm not joking and the minute you put the phone down i turned around there was about three people behind us in the queue and like a good day i have just checked in and there was a chod in my toilet like so i had there i pulled up to one side i don't know what you thought i was gonna say but i was like there was a shit in the toilet and she was she was fuming like but we got a free bottle of wine out of it which was good we did hotel deterred it's time for the celebrity question this week's celebrity question is from the wonderful Keith Lemon. He sent us around about five questions. Four of them made no sense.

He sent them from the toilet, which was nice. So this is the last one, and he'll explain. This is basically the only one we can broadcast. Yes. Just got one more query, and then I'm going to wipe me out and get off this toilet because I'm getting pins and needles. But you know what?

Sometimes when I help my missus out, I get into more trouble for doing it wrong than I do for not even helping. So what I'm asking is, do you think I should just not bother helping or try and help and do it wrong, get into more trouble? Should I not help?

Should I not help? Should I not help? Should I not help? So I think what he's trying to ask is, is it worth actually helping? Yeah. What do you think? I mean, in general? I know that if you're doing something

and I randomly come over and try and involve myself or help, you hit the roof. Especially in cases of robbing. If you're telling robbing off or disciplining robbing and I just sort of put my oar in, you go berserk. I know, because I got that shit nailed. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? You're just interfering, getting in the way. If you're dealing with robbing,'ll make it my issue just to get out

the way and i'm like you can crack on but if i'm like micromanaging i'm like are you kidding me i do this most of the year by myself you agree don't you but i do and you know what it's i can even see myself doing it yeah i know like it's like you'll be like right no robin you're not having any sweets and i'm like you're not having any sweets and I'm like you're not having any sweets and you're like why you you know what I'm like

you know when a rapper has got like the other rapper with them in hip hop who just shouts the last couple of words like a hype man

I try and be that and I know how irritating it is you're not getting any sweets not getting any sweets you're not going to the soft play you're not going to the soft play no You're not going to the soft plate. No, I'll wipe your bum. She wipes your bum.

You actually are. I'm sorry. I know how irritating it is. You're an echo. You're an echo. And it's infuriating. Oh, you've still run into beefs. That's on his list.

Oh, the podcast's becoming its own. It's eating itself. It is, isn't it honestly it's taken over Skynet that's one of my beefs micromanaging well you cannot have it

it's always a good day guys when a beef has been eradicated from the list thank you he lives to fight another day he lives to fight another day

day ladies and gentlemen thank you so much this was the best of this was the 100th episode thank you so much this was the best of this was the 100th episode thank you so so so much for listening

and sticking with us we hope you enjoyed that we haven't heard all that because we haven't had time so don't know what that was could have been an hour of silence not sure I'm sure it's good

we'll trust the producers hope you enjoyed it we did it at one point so it's been out there we've said that yeah see you next week guys you've been

listening to shag my annoy which is now part of the acas creator network i can't believe you remember to do that that's amazing i'm very proud of you very well done profesh okay i've only had chris i've only had two weeks off oh it seems like a lifetime every day's a year bye everyone roll on 2022. Fuck. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway

and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats

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