Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 101. Maternity Leave #3

Episode Date: January 29, 2021

It's the final week of the maternity leave episodes and Chris and Rosie bring you some of the questions that never made it the first time round. There's some bird bath scandal, chicken minesweeping and a lucky burglar. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game

and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com Hello! You are listening to Shag Mind Annoyed with me, Chris Ramsey. Just me. Is it weird hearing just my... It was weird for me saying that bit.

Saying, hello, you're listening to Shagbriar Noid without Rosie saying it. I didn't like it. I'll be honest with you. I've had to re-record this about six or seven times because it's just strange. I'm sitting in my office. I'm recording this little bit

because this is just the intro to our final maternity leave episode. This is our last week off in sort of speech marks on my fingers that dickheads do, and I'm doing it on my own on an audio medium. Wanker.

It's our last week off before we come back next week with another full, an actual full episode, our first full episode since having Rafe and of 2021. As always, guys, thank you so much for listening

and continuing to show us love and support and for all of the lovely things you've said about me little family. It really does. Brings a tear to me bloody eye. It really does. Rosie is doing great. Rafe is doing great. They're in the other room now, chilling out. And yeah, this is the last

little week that we're going to have another selection of questions that didn't make the cut, but not because the don't, some of them don't make the cut because they're a bit too rude and my producer goes, guys, you've already done like four questions about Spunk, maybe leave this one till later. And some of them don't make it

just because of, you know, just time. Otherwise it would be like a two hour podcast, which I know you'd love, but we don't want to really get you into the, you know, into the habit of expecting two hour podcast because, fuck me, Boris could come on the news and announce something else to ruin the world and you know, we might just fucking not be up for it

but what you're about to listen to is a collection of some unheard ones from quite recent which I've just listened to myself and I bloody, I've got to say, I bloody did enjoy them I couldn't remember half of them and yeah don't want to give too much away but next week might be

the return of the Plonk cast because Rosie is no longer up the duff no longer up the duff so she can drink

and I can drink obviously I haven't stopped drinking lockdown's you know done more to me liver than it has to anything else but very excited to be coming back

for the full episode next week. Enough of me prattling on. Here is me and Rosie. Enjoy. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. So this is a story that someone has sent, as they normally do. Someone sent this in. This was on Reddit.

And I'm all over Imgur and Reddit and all these things to try and say all these viral stories. Because I just love them. And this one had completely passed me by. So this is written by a female, 26 years old, about her boyfriend, male, 24. I've just said it. They put it in like, they put like,

so I, brackets, F26, have a boyfriend, brackets, M24. Yeah. Sounds like they're talking about fucking motorways. But jeez. So I have a boyfriend and recently he got into a dispute with the neighbor's kids.

Okay. They accidentally kicked their football in our yard and they came into the garden to get it back. To be honest, I didn't really care. But my boyfriend started screaming at these like 11 year old kids about how poorly they were raised by their parents and they should be ashamed. I was effing mortified. I sent the kids some chocolates and sweets to apologise profusely for his behaviour. I was seeing red flags and I told him that his behaviour was not normal. He kind of brushed me off and I told him if he pulled anything like that again, he was gone. The next week, the ball came into our garden.

Rosie, I couldn't even guess what he did, right? The next week, the ball came into our garden and I was about to throw it back to the kids when my boyfriend stormed outside and took the ball inside. I told the kids that I would bring it back in a minute. He went into the bathroom and emerged 10 minutes later wearing gloves and a football covered in shit. His own shit. What the F?

I asked him if he was out of his effing mind, but he stormed past me and threw it over the fence, screaming, take that, you bitches. No. He's a nutter. I screamed, and I mean girls screamed at him about how he is a fucking douche arts in America. And I wanted him out of the house,

and he's a disgusting effing monster. I'm trying to say some Fs because she swore a lot here and that they were just kids. I screamed and screamed and eventually he left. I deleted all his games off his PS4 and gave it to the kids as an apology. I was so embarrassed. That's fantastic.

That's fantastic. What? Wow. I wouldn't have guessed that. No. No. Unbelievable. I would never have guessed that.

I thought he might have like stabbed the bowl and then sent it over flat or something. But, oh, imagine if you really loved someone and they did that. Yeah. It would be like, I'd be gutted because you'd go, oh, this isn't something within our relationship, that shit. Yeah.

You're just a moron. Yeah, you're just a maniac. You're horrible. Well, I mean, i respect it where because it's not like you know she's not looking forward to the wedding like it's you know she's worried now it's had sex with him anyway it's she's literally told him to do one which is quite good yeah that's awful wow wow i mean my childhood would have been a lot different if the catchphrase wasn't, you know, that comes over here again, I'll stick a knife in it. That comes over here again, I'm going to take the bathroom and cover it in my own shite and throw it back at you.

Okay, mate. We'll go and play down the street then. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Did you have local legends in your town growing up and do you have them now? Excuse me, you've just emailed a pair of them the reason I asked this is that I always assumed it was only kids and teens who entertained the idea of local legends and it wasn't

a joy that would carry on into your adulthood but recently this theory was proved wrong okay growing up we had a man in our town who we called the timekeeper. So it's not famous people or anything like that. It's not someone who's invented something. It's not a professional athlete. So they've got the time. This person's got the timekeeper. Okay.

This is because one day he insisted on telling anyone who would listen that he was late for his first day of work as he unfortunately overslept. So as a way of ensuring it wouldn't happen again, his boss got him a watch. As time went on, all the kids in the town would dare each other to go up to this man and ask him what the time was, resulting in the man chasing kids all over town and screaming at them. In hindsight, I can imagine this got very annoying very quickly. was resulting in the man chasing kids all over town and screaming at them in hindsight i can imagine this got very annoying very quickly and i still think that this day he gets asked for the time poor man sorry sorry sorry rewind what was the whole thing about the watch at the beginning

so one day he was really late for work and he'd overslept and he told everyone, apparently, this town's really small. This town. It sounds like nothing goes on. So it's all right. So he was late one day, he overslept,

he told everyone he overslept, his boss got him a watch, then everyone started going, that's the bloke who overslept and now they ask him the time and he chased his kids around. I tell you, first thing,

bunch of fucking losers, what a terrible thing to ask people. Second thing, what if you actually want to him the time and he chases kids around. I tell you, first thing, bunch of fucking losers. What a terrible thing to ask people. Second thing, what if you actually want to know the time and he just kicks off and you're like, mate, what the fuck? Third thing, he'd be much later if he keeps chasing children around. Very true. Jesus. Where's Postman Pat live?

What a stupid town. What? Where's Postman Pat live? This is like where Postman Pat lives. Yeah, something Dale, Wendley Dale or somewhere. I don't know. Anyway, that's how I imagine it. To be like,

oh, remember Bob when he asked everyone for the time? Oh, time man! The time keeper. The time keeper. Jesus. The time keeper. That is the shittest one! You got any local legends? A bloke once was late and now we all ask him the time

because we're comedy geniuses. So we used to have... Jarrett Elvis. It's Jarrett Elvis. Jarrett Elvis. Is he still alive? Didn't he do the Great North Run loads of times?

Did he? Or am I thinking... Who am I thinking of? You're thinking of Jarrett Jim. Jarrett Jim. Legend did the Great North Run. There's a lot for charity, Jarrett Jim. Yeah.

There was Jarrett Elvis who was the Elvis impersonator in Jarrow. There was that bloke who used to wave at the ferries wavy Davey but he turned his life around did he?

yeah yeah I think weirdly I think he got either ill or he ended up in hospital for some reason I can't remember the story I think he might have got

attacked actually and he ended up in hospital on a New Year's Eve yeah and then his sister and everything found out about it apparently

his family reconnected with him, got him a house and everything, turned his life around. Oh, amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We also have the man who used to sit at the back of the bus with a bin bag over his head,

sticking his fingers up in the vase. He was a laugh. He was a laugh. He never got named, unfortunately. Right, yeah, I was at a bag over his head. God, can you imagine the person who sent this email? Can you imagine if they had him?

Can you imagine? Rather than just scraping the barrel of some poor fucker who was late once. The timekeeper. Imagine if they had the guy with the bin liner on his head. They'd lose their minds. So I used to gig in Chorley a lot, at Chorley Little Theatre, and it's near Preston.

And in Preston, the first ever time I did Chorley Little Theatre, I had an hour and a half show to do, and I did almost none of the material, because I can't remember how i got onto it but the tool is that there was a bloke called toxic terry right who used to live around in and around there okay um and it was that thing if someone said toxic and everyone started shouting different stuff out and apparently he used to drink uh petrol

like because he was that pissed he used to drink petrol um and that was like his thing he was the local guy and every time i went there was a new rumor about him every time i and that was like his thing he was the local guy and every time I went there was a new rumour about him every time I went it was like oh he's done this no he's done that

oh no he's dead no he's turned his life around and like people it got to the point where when I was doing Chorley Little Theatre big up Chorley Little Theatre I hope you're getting

through all this people would bring newspaper cuttings of articles about Toxitary when I was on the thing they are local they don't even know it

and if people hadn't came to the previous gigs they would sit there fucking raging going what is this about what is this anyway

there's more to this Jesus I am now 27 and time has passed with no local legends cropping up until the other day I was in my local Tesco

when the lady behind the cashier was sniggering and whispering to the lady paying for her shopping intrigued I asked them if I could be in on the joke to which the cashier was sniggering and whispering to the lady paying for her shopping intrigued i asked them if i could be in on the joke to which the cashier replied i mean that's the most desperate

thing i've ever heard excuse me can i be in on this joke please what is laughing at me can i be in on the joke that's like that bit i've wrote that's like the bit i wrote in our book about going up and asking people if I can be their friend on holiday. Osmosis. Is that right? Osmosis? No, that was the ball bit,

but then I said if the catch on the ball didn't work, you'd just go up, hey, you've got to be there. You've got to be there. Yeah, anyway. To which the cashier replied, haven't you heard about the smear test, man? Whoa!

I like this guy. Apparently, there is a man who since hearing this story I have seen way too many times to count. Oh, Jesus. Who works in a lab for the NHS.

Oh, for God's sake. This is going to be horrible. The poor man was working away when an unfortunate accident happened. He tripped over and as a result put his arms out to catch his ball. However, as he went down,

he managed to knock a whole table of open smear tests. Oh, you're joking. I'm not talking the little brushes. I'm talking the pots of liquid in that holds all the cells and cervical blood. Oh, my word. The poor man was covered in smear tests and now is known to the whole town

as the smear test. What a... Can I just say on behalf of everyone in the country I hate your town so much. Where's the bloody dignity? Where's the secrecy? Poor bloke's trying to get... One, I hope the people have to get the smear test redone.

I hope they were contacted. Two, what happened to bloody... What happened to doctor-patient confidentiality? Surely it works both ways. If your doctor gets smear all over him, you've got to keep your fucking mouth shut. I hate your town. I hate it.

It's not even called smear test anymore. It's called cervical screening. So they're behind the times anyway I just thought that was funny and I thought it would link nicely

in with go and get a smear test because it's extremely important go and get them done so there you go don't get them done I mean god what happened to all them

my thing about local legends is you know you've got you know you're in a small town a small kind of working class town that has local legends where you can give someone directions based on where the local legend stands

can you remember this so guys we once had our friends were in our house and uh i'll not say the name but friends in the house and and my mate was going to his wife oh you know where that place she's not from she was originally she was like he was going you know where that restaurant is man it's down that road and she was going no no you come over that roundabout you go past that pub

and it's down that road you know that road man down that road and she goes no I haven't got an idea and he goes it's where that bloke stands man

and she went oh yeah I know exactly where that is when you can give directions based on where your local legends stand

you're in a small working class town. Welcome to the party. We all need them. They keep us going. Big, big love to the local legends. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi, guys.

Hi. My wife has introduced me to your podcast and I've been loving it, so thank you. Good, thank you. Now, I love my wife's boobs. Okay. And every time I see them, I'm like a school boy all over again see sorry just you normally i thought it was weird that you'd started that with the my wife introduced me to the podcast i'm loving it because all the emails start with i'm loving the podcast yeah and we're scared over it

but you did the right thing because if it just started hi guys i love my wife yeah i couldn't just start it yeah it was a really like that I get why you did that now well done I used to work in radio kind of know what I'm doing a little bit we used to get stuff like this all the time always about the boobs you've got to buffer it haven't you

I wanted to introduce the wife somehow just not our boobs so he loves his wife's boobs he's like a schoolboy he's like a schoolboy I'm like a schoolboy all over again seeing my first pair the only thing is she hides them all the time

when she gets out of the shower she will put her top on over her towel so I can't see them and will take off and put on a bra under her top too don't get me wrong I get to jiggle those bad boys around when we have you know what and put on a bra under her top too. Don't get me wrong, I get to jiggle those bad boys around when we have,

you know what. But yet again, when she comes back from the bathroom, she will cover them up so I can't see. I've seen her birth my two beautiful children. A bit of boob, every now and again she'll be fine. Free the boobs!

And it said here... That's a hashtag if ever I've heard one. Do you do this, Rosie? Many thanks. Right. Can I tackle this one. Do you do this, Rosie? Many thanks. Right. Can I tackle this or do you want to tackle this? Can I go first? Mm-hmm. I wonder whether she is sick of him looking at her boobs.

Yeah. Do you agree? Well, I was going to say the other way. I was going to say she's just, you know... As I proved during lockdown, you don't have birthday cake every day because you spoil it. Absolutely.

I think maybe she's just withholding them a bit so that she gets a lot of attention when it's going on possibly. It's not even that. No, you think she's just sick. Oh, go away. Like, no. Stop ogling at me boobs in me own house.

Okay. You sounds like you, right? Creep. Oh, no, I know know there's being in love and there's being sexually attracted to each other but you know yeah the circumference of your own home you don't want to be living with someone yeah free the boobs like well to be fair absolutely not yeah mate and mate to be fair that um that march that you keep doing around the garden with your big placards saying, free the boobs. It's not doing any good.

Neighbours are getting, neighbours are furious. Imagine though, just imagine, right? Okay, you're getting dried from the shower and I'm just sat there staring down below, slavering, ogling. Would you be like, oh, that's nice. Or would you think, Rosie, it's a Tuesday morning? Like, do you know what I mean? Yeah, I kind of know what you mean.

Oh, you'd love it, wouldn't you? Oh, God. Now and then. Quite nice. No, I'm joking. Yeah, well, I don't know. I mean, maybe, is it wrong that he finds his wife attractive and he's giving her a little bit of touch?

Is that wrong? Is that a bad thing? Absolutely not wrong at all. But just, I mean, it sounds like it's all the time. I think she loves it and I think she's withholding them

to keep it, to keep it, you know. Do you think? Yeah. Chris, I think she's sick of him. I think they'll split up next year.

Wow. Yeah. Wow. Honestly, I'd put money on it. They'll split up next year and he'll be like, bring the boobs back.

Bring the boobs. You've got the kids this weekend. I don't want the kids. I want the boobs back. Bring the boobs. You've got the kids this weekend. I don't want the kids. I want the boobs. I just want the boobs. And she'll go, nah, they're not yours anymore. This is sad. Stop this now.

You took the piss with my boobs. It'd be funny if I got to look in? You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca.

This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. You know, don't. The First Omen.

I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen.

Only in theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as

we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com Hello Rosie and Chris. I was listening to last week's podcast when Chris said there would be an influx of messages from students saying they don't mind to be. So sorry, this wasn't last week. This when chris said there would be an influx of messages from students saying they don't mind sweeps so sorry this wasn't last week this was from a few weeks ago i can

confirm me and my friends did it every single night there we are there we are on one on one occasion a guy i was living with in halls drank a glass of sick he picked up in the nightclub oh my god right no no chris this, Chris. This isn't the main bit of the email. I have had so many messages from people who've been mind sweeping and by accident picked up a glass of sick. Stop being sick in glasses. Can we

stop that? Can we just make that a thing? Just stop mind sweeping. Stop both of these things. Yes. Of course, but that goes without saying. We've dealt with that. Stop being sick in glasses. Nothing worse than seeing someone be sick in a pint glass. Right. What? Have you never been sick in a pint glass?

No. Right. Have you been sick in a pint glass? A couple of times. Really? Christopher. This whole relationship's a fucking lie. This is horrible.

Have you never been sick? I've been sick I've been sick in a pint glass no because I feel like I would push my face right against the pint glass and there'd be too much air in it

and it would create a vacuum and it would shoot out the sides just there's been times when just get to that part of the night and you think you know what

I just feel like you don't really need to be sick if I'm sick it's colossal amounts of sick a pint glass wouldn't touch your sides if I'm sick it's colossal amounts of sick what a pint glass wouldn't touch your sides if i'm sick it's it's it's fireman's hose it's craziness it's not just a little i'll go on then pint's worth mine well i have a couple of times that's good night good night um it also

says here not only did myself and my friends mind sweepsweep drinks, myself and my friend Immy, after a night out, would also mind-sweep leftover chicken in the chicken shop. That is grotesque. It gets worse. It gets worse. It wasn't that we couldn't afford a piece of chicken. Whilst ours was cooking, we would eat what had been left around us. No! Pigs! Absolute pigs!

It was never chicken strips that were left behind either. It was chicken on the bone. No, man! No! In my head, this makes it even more disgusting. Yes! Waste not, want not. Love the podcast. And that's from Alicia. That's the one.

Just when I thought there was nothing worse than mind sweeping, eating other people's chicken off the bone that they've slabbered and licked. Yeah. Oh, no. Is that worse than being sick in a pint glass? Yes. It is, isn't it? Because being sick in a pint glass, you can't really help that.

And I've done it because I'd rather do that than be sick on the floor. And I was very young. Right. I feel like I've got to justify myself. Because do you know the other week when I slagged them people off for eating that pineapple? Right. That was the same week that I admitted to smoking strangers' tabs on my phone on the street. And people were like, hang on, you won't eat the pineapple, but you'll smirk someone else's tannins.

These were all when I was very young. I wouldn't do that now. Anyway, so yeah. Chicken sweep. Other people, chicken sweeping. What would you call it? God. Yeah, probably chicken, chicken.

Chicken sweep. Why is mine sweeping called mine sweeping? Probably because every now and then you get a glass of sick. I mean, if that is one of the things that can happen, stop doing it. That's probably why it's called it, you know. Stop it being a thing. That's why, that's probably... Sorry, in what world do they not...

We're just totally skirting over this. In what world do they not realise it's a glass of sick? Dark. Nothing's that fucking dark. Have you never been into a really dark, dark club? Not that fucking dark. How are you? You can see stuff.

I don't know. Oh, look, someone's got a smoothie. Well, what about sometimes when you get them... Oh, it's a glass of cold vegetable soup. Oh, don't, because it makes us feel a bit ill. Oh, no. I know. No way.

How dark does it have to be? That's ridiculous. Pretty dark. There's some horrible cocktails, you know, where they look like curdled stuff. That's it, then. You've just nailed it. Someone's got a mint cocktail here.

They're 20 quid each, these. Oh, don't. Oh, God. They're 20 quid. Get these down, you. Oh, God. Oh, God. That's 20 quitchy. Get these down, you. Oh. Nah, I can't. I can't.

I would love to see someone's reaction from drinking someone else's sake. No, I'm all right for it. Although, did I ever tell you about the game of pontons that we used to play? You used to work at pontons? Just when I used to work at pontons. When you would go around the whole room

and people would just put loads of stuff in that they had on the table into a pint glass. And so the gate... It's really disgusting, to be honest. People would put, like, baby's milk in, like, beer, wine, spirits. Why have they got baby's milk? Anything.

Because there was loads of kids there. What, on the night? Yeah. Right, okay. Yeah, Chris, this is... Yeah. Okay. Yeah, the children didn't go to bed...

Got you. ...at reasonable hours. They were usually in the arcade... Got you. ...without their parents... Got you. ...who were playing this game. Got you.

So they'd fill this pint glass up, and then what the person would do who was playing, they would take their sock off, and then they would drink the pint glass through that sock. Why through the sock? It was just to add extra humiliation to the game.

So it would be basically a dirty pint of everything in the room. Dirty pint of everything in the room. And then a sock over the top. And you'd drink through the sock. Yeah. What was the game? It was just a game. That was the game.

That's not a game. That's just make someone drink a manky. Was there a prize? Yes. What was the prize? It was a bottle of Prosecco. Ponzon. Fuck me.

Chris, the amount of people who used to do it. Let's get this Prosecco open. Hey, what are you celebrating? Drinking all that through some cunt sock. Revolting. Shut the place down. Shut it down. Dear Chris and Rosie, please bear with me.

This is about a birdbath. Right. Shut the place down. Shut it down. Dear Chris and Rosie, please bear with me. This is about a bird bath. Right. Weirdly, I'm intrigued. Yeah. I do like a bird bath. Do you? I think it's nice. Yeah, it's nice when you've got a little thing in the garden

and watch birds have a little wash in it. We haven't got one. Oh. Well, because Robin would fucking pull it over. Now, don't protest too much. I feel... No. The opposite.

What? Ignore that. I don't even know what I'm talking about. What are you talking about? I don't know. I feel like you're saying, I love a bird bath. Well, why haven't you got one?

All right, well, I'm allowed to love things that I don't have. No, why? Love dogs. You're doing all right. I haven't got one. You're doing all right in life. Yeah, but I don't...

Okay, Christmas. I'm Rosie. Let me write this down. Rosie, got a lot of tours cancelled this year. I haven't got bird bath money. I don't know what you think this is. I'm genuinely writing this down for Christmas

I don't fucking get as a bird bath for Christmas Chris you're really hard to buy for I don't want a bird bath I'm watching you write it down that's not a surprise you've just said

I really like the bird baths they're lovely and so Christmas morning nice surprise and Chris you think your presents are finished

look out the window look there's a frozen bird bath Nice surprise. And Chris, you think your presents are finished? Look out the window. Look, there's a frozen birdbath. I think it'll look nice. Anyway. Don't get us a birdbath for Christmas. Chris, it's ordered. I've been online. Prime, it's coming tomorrow.

Sick. For as long as I can remember, my grandad has had this birdbath in the middle of his front lawn. In brackets, he lives in a bungalow in a little cul-de-sac in a place where there is no one below the age of 70. Kind of how I imagined Chris's bachelor pad to be. Slander, but almost bang on. The one story glory was, yeah, we were the youngest in the street.

Didn't have a front lawn though. It did. I mean, barely. It had a little bit of grass. No bigger than the table we're sitting on now. Yeah, could have put a birdbath front lawn though. It did. I mean, barely. It had a little bit of grass. No bigger than the table we're sitting on now. Yeah, could have put a birdbath on it though. Why are you obsessed with birdbaths? Why are you obsessed with birdbaths?

I love a birdbath. I love a birdbath. I just think it's canny that you look out and you see the little birds. Honestly, I can't wait to see your face on Christmas morning. Best Christmas ever. Put a bucket outside. Anyway, the birdbath is very special to my grandad as according to my mum,

it's one of the last things he bought with my nana before she died. Oh. Oh. A few years ago now, the birdbath went missing. My family presumed it had been stolen. As you can imagine, my grandad found this very upsetting and it took him a while to move past it emotionally.

Well, I mean, sentimental or not, who's fucking nicking a birdbath? Who knows? I'm raging. People nick loads of stuff. But a birdbath, come on. They're made of stone and that. You know what I mean?

They come in two pieces. Someone nicked my brother's tricycle from our back garden. And the washing. I understand both of them things, but a birdbath? What a shitty thing to nick. People nick plants and everything. Rotten.

Rotten they are. Again, I kind of understand. A birdbath? I can understand you look at a plant and you go, oh, hey, look,

have you seen the plants that they've got in there? Oh, I can never get my plants out. Fuck it, I'm nicking them, right? But a birdbath? You'd have you seen the plants that they've got in there? Oh, I can never get my plants out of that. Fuck it, I'm nicking them, right? But a birdbath. You'd have to empty the water out first. Can we just skip back to five minutes ago, how much you were absolutely wanking off over a birdbath,

and now you're saying you wouldn't eat the least attractive thing in a garden, the nick. You're an absolute... Billy, bullshit that. Don't believe a word he says. He's gone back on himself. That's up there with saying someone stole me lawn

or me paving stones. Like a fucking birdbath. Chris. Tell you what, if it's not nailed down, this bloody society... It's disgusting, isn't it? Tell you what.

Skip forward to lockdown 2020 and my family and I are sat with my grandad in his back garden, socially distanced, of course, for Covid. And my dad announces he needs a wee. With my grandad being old and health-wise quite vulnerable to the virus, my dad went to the bottom of the garden for a wee instead of into the house.

That's the thing, isn't it, with lockdown? I bet there's been loads of adult wees in the garden. Oh, yeah, yeah. Tons. Loads. Love itwy'n ei ffugio. Mwy, mwy o'r ffugiau rwy'n ei ddweud. Rwy'n ffugio yn y gartref. Weithiau rwy'n gwneud hynny pan fynd i'r llawr yn ôl o'r siopau. Rwy'n siŵr yn sicr, rwy'n siŵr na fydda i. Iawn, rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr.

Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n siŵr. Rwy'n, oh, I need a wee here. I'll just go in the grass and jump in the hot tub. That's horrible because I'm thinking we've got foxes. It'll be your wee. No, it's not my wee. Turn it yellow. You'll never find a wee.

No, that's not my wee. He doesn't do that. How dare you? Fox wee does. How dare you? Now, the bottom of the garden is behind a tall, thick tree, so we couldn't see my dad, thankfully. But shortly after he was done i noticed my mum

approached the bottom of the garden having been beckoned by my dad and thought that was really strange why is she going to inspect his puddle a few minutes later my dad reappears and my sister then joins my mum down the bottom of the garden again that, my mum reappears and my aunt takes her place. Well, you must have written his name or something. Well, at this point, I'm thinking my dad has pissed liquid gold or something. Confused and feeling left out, I wander down the garden to see what's cracking off. From the bottom of my grandad's garden,

you can see into his neighbour's garden, within which stood a bird bath hold the phone here one that looks identical if not unbelievably similar to the one that went missing from my granddad's front no way in years gone by my granddad has had little interaction with his neighbor but has deduced that he's quite odd, with additional rumours from around the village that he's actually a drug dealer. Right. Brackets, unreliable source. And with these drug deals, he accepts stolen garden items as well as cash.

Shut the fuck... What kind of drug dealer? What, I mean... Hey, you got me fucking money. Will you accept a bird bath? I will accept a bird bath. Oh, yeah. It says here, which I realise sounds too good to be true,

but I literally cannot begin to explain the random shite I've seen in this bloke's garden. Hilarious. So, the dilemma. Aside from feeling enraged at the idea that this dickhead drug-dealing neighbour has stolen a precious item from my grandad, we became quite unsure what to do.

I'm going to put some options here, and we need to pick. Wow, so we've got to sort this out. Okay, well, can I just say, I'm sorry and all that, sentimental value aside, I don't really think, no matter what the options are,

I don't think you should knock on the possible drug dealer to ask for your birdbath back. And not the drug dealer who accepts stolen garden furniture and stuff. Stolen garden furniture. Well, that to me, that's a menace. Yeah. That's, do you know what, if it was just money, I'd have more respect. Quite brazen, innit? But just the stolen stuff, that's like, I don't need the money.

I'm doing this for the shits and the giggles. Yeah, for the thrill. You know what I mean? Yeah, okay, okay. So, do you want to know the options? Tell us the options. Tell us the options. Option one.

Do we tell my grandad and risk bringing up old emotions? Oh, so he doesn't even know? No. Oh, God, don't tell him, but carry on. Okay. So, right, okay, fair enough. Or let's say it is my grandad's. Do we go round and accuse the man?

Definitely not. Absolutely not. Crazy. Do we steal it back? Again, I don't know how... You know, they make more than one kind of... It could have been from the same kind of garden centre. They did say that.

They did say it could actually be just the same birdbath. I don't think it is. I don't think it is at all. I think they should just leave it. It says, the last one is, or do we do what the majority of British population would probably do, which so far is nothing. I would just leave it.

I wouldn't knock on the possible drug dealer and ask if that birdbath is their birdbath. You don't want to be messing with him. I'd leave it to him. You've got to be. So they didn't have enough money for their drugs, so they walked round the corner and stole a birdbath. That's what happens.

Have a word. Have a word. I know. Have bravery. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bath. Rosie and Chris, I was about 15, and my mum had told me the night before that when I got up, the plumber would be there,

so could I make him a bacon sarnie and a cup of tea? Jesus. I know. Quite nice, that, isn't it? A bacon sarnie and a cup of tea for the plumber? Heavens above. My mum does that, you know. Sandra goes above and beyond for workmen

and I'm like, ma'am. I've got to be honest with you. Do you know what it is? I just said that there. I remember when I used to paint railings with my dad when we used to make fences. Someone one Saturday morning made us bacon you. Do you know what it is? I just said that there. I remember when I used to paint railings with my dad, we used to make fences. Someone one Saturday morning made, were baking sandwiches. I couldn't believe it.

Was it nice? It's still to this day, the nicest baking sandwich I've ever had. Just because I was in the freezing cold painting with gold tops on wrought iron railings. Yeah. I used to do loads of toast for the lads who were doing the resin. Do you remember? Yeah. I mean, I just.

I feel a bit terrible this time when we've been getting the bathroom done and stuff done because of COVID. I've wanted to just keep out of people's way. So I feel like I've really been really shit. I've used it as a crutch like most companies have done to do just shit stuff. Because my service has gone down the drain. I told the guy today we didn't have any coffee.

Oh! That's how I've gone then. Annoyingly, he asked for a cup of tea after that, which I thought was, you know, moving the goalposts. Couldn't say no to that. Everyone's got tea. So the next morning I woke up unlocked my bedroom door and was coming downstairs in my boxers and he

was on his way up the stairs. Morning. Fancy a cuppa I said. No thanks said the plumber who was strangely wearing black leather gloves. I went downstairs I went downstairs, got myself a cuppa and started coming back upstairs. As I walked up the stairs, I noticed that there was stuff all over the place in all the bedrooms. I went into the bathroom and there was no sign

of the plumber. I looked out the front and no van. I looked in the other bedrooms and no plumber, but the rooms were all turned upside down. Fuck off! And the back bedroom window was wide open. It turned out the plumber didn't turn up, my mum had left the back window open and the person I offered the cup of tea to was a as cool as ice burglar

who had legged it as I was making myself a cup of tea. Jesus Christ! Yeah. What the... How lucky was that burglar who had legged it as I was making myself a cuppa downstairs. Jesus Christ. Yeah. What? How lucky was that burglar? I know. I know. Imagine walking up the stairs about to get out and then realising you're waking them

up and them going to your fancy cuppa and going, no thanks and leaving. I don't know if I believe this one. I do, you know. Really? Well, just because strange things happen in this world and I can imagine that happening and I can imagine the lad being like, holy shit,

I've just walked past the burglar Bill on the stairs, right, and I offered him a cup of tea and the burglar will be in the pub with, you know, his mates going, fucking hell. At the burglar club?

He'll be at the Burglars Anonymous with all of the other burglars and he'll go, shit the bed, I burgled this house today and I walk past him on the stairs and offer him a cup of tea. Do you know what I mean?

And it'll set him on a thing of doing more houses. But then he'll get caught. And you'll always have that story i just imagine them all sitting down all right lads yeah good yeah so how's your burgling going yeah my burgling's going well how's your burgling well my burgling i bloody believe i was burgling today i tell you what if i if i never bloody burgle again it'll be too soon bloody burgling out today i he burgled myself daft i uh did i ever tell you about when um i first started stand-up and I stayed at a comedian's house in Newcastle?

Used to run the student night in Newcastle Halls, one of the university halls. And we went out after a gig and I just stayed at his because he lived in like Jesmond. And I got up in the morning and I went downstairs to get some water and I was walking through the kitchen and someone just jumped out on us and just went like and i went and like gave us like the biggest fright ever and i

like absolutely shat myself i like screamed and it was his housemate but he didn't know i was there he thought it was him so this guy gave us this massive fright i shat myself and then he like burst out laughing he was like lying on the floor he's like a massive rugby guy lying on the floor just pissed himself laughing and i was like what the fuck is going on and he was like and i just heard me mate upstairs going oh my like he realized i'd got the fright that was made for him it was one of the worst frights i've ever had in my life i wasn't hung over and i immediately had a headache after he'd done it because it was the biggest fight i've ever had we're. Were you in shock? It was fucking ridiculous. I hate

getting a fright. I didn't know there was anyone else in the house. It was horrible. Bless you. Yeah. Literally, like, it's one of those things you think in flight or fight, you know what I mean? I'd be bad in one of those situations. Did you just freeze up? I just was like, ahhh! And he just immediately buckled himself laughing

and that didn't help. because then I was going like, who are you? What's happening? What's going on? And he was just laughing. I don't like getting afraid. No, it's not good, is it? It's not cool, is it?

That's my main thing, you know. You know when you sort of say like you look around the house in the middle of the night and stuff before you go to bed. I'm just expecting a fright. That's it. I'm expecting they're going to go

and I'm going to go, I got you. Do you want a cup of tea? Yeah. No, thanks. Out the window. Well, I hope you you. Don't go for tea. No thanks. Out the window. Well, I hope you enjoyed that, guys. I am off now to go and wash myself in the birdbath because the water's been turned off.

I've got to plumb around. As always, big love. Thank you so much for listening. Please continue to like, rate and subscribe. This has been Shagmarinoid, now part of the Acast Creator Network and we will be back in your ears, back like your dad's arse cracked. It's not a saying,

just said it, made it up. Copyright Chris Ramsey 2021. Back next week. Cheers guys. Bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Davo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

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