Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep. 102 Cremetisserie

Episode Date: February 5, 2021

Rosie and Chris are back! They have a new baby and a breastfeeding update. The beefs have been mounting and there are some injury based questions from the public.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Marginoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and believe it or not, dot ca Baby, lockdown. Baby, broken ankle. I'm going to say yes. All right. I would have put money on no, but okay. No, no.

I think we are stronger. Stronger than yesterday. Jesus Christ. She's back, everyone. Welcome back. We are back off our maternity leave. And paternity leave. Gender my leave.

Oh, I'm not being... Ungender my leave. You're dragging this shit out. Most men... I've got a broken ankle. Chris, most men would have been back after a week or two weeks to work. You are dragging this shit out. Right, I'm going to put my coffee down on that offender.

A couple of things. One, I'm always on. Comedy never sleeps, right? I've never stopped. I'm always on. Are you kidding me? Even though I'm in deep levels of depression at the minute, I'm always on, right?

Always on. Two, or B, whether I did A or 1. I can't remember. Well, 2 slash B. I'm always on, right? Always on. Two or B, whether I did A or 1. I can't remember. Well, two slash B. Don't know what it was. I've got a broken fucking ankle. Have you ever broke a bone?

No. I've broke a bone in my ankle. Have you though? Because the lady said she had to go and... We'll talk about this later. Right, okay. We've got loads of time

to talk about this. A lot to catch up on, guys, because... Shall I play it now? Rosie's excited. I want to play this. Ready? We're back. Once again, we're the renegade master.

D4 damage with the ill-behaved. We're back. That should have been at the beginning. Well, you kept... I'm not being funny. You knew I was going to do that. You kept talking. Yeah, it was fun though. You don't shut up.

You go, meh, meh, meh, meh, meh. It was fun though. Right, so we're back. That was going to segue from the beginning. Three or four times you try to pick it up like a fucking violin. I know, I know I did. You hold your laptop on your shoulder like a violin. Great, well times you try to pick it up like a fucking violin. I know I did. You hold your laptop on your shoulder like a violin. Great.

Well, guess we're back with the ill behavior. B4 Barragate Power for the people. What are the words to that? I don't know, but that was up there with my class. B4 Barragate. Back once again with the Renegade Master. B4 Barragate Power for the people. Back once again with the ill behavior. If I had to Baragie. Power for the people. Back once again with the ill behaviour.

If I had to guess, I would say it was D4 Damager, but that doesn't really make sense. None of it makes sense. Quick Google, here we are. Yeah, I was right. Back once again for the Renegade Master. D4 Damager. Power to the people.

No idea what D4 Damager is, but I got it right. Sounds like a car. D4 Damager. Yeah. Listen, Fatboy, Mr Slim, if you're listening, get in touch. Shagwanderload at gmail.com. What the fuck does D4 Damager mean? No idea.

But anyway, we are back. We've been on one return to leave. We've got a new child and we're back. How long do we have off? Three weeks, four weeks? Three or four weeks, yeah. So that would make this episode 102. And as always, guys, thank you so much for listening.

Please continue to like, rate and subscribe and all of that bullshit. We hope you're hanging in there. Now before we go any further, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Can I just stop you there a second? Yes. I've missed this. Really? Yeah. Have you? Yeah. Oh. I am, this is the happiest I've been in weeks.

What, sitting here now? Yeah, I've really missed doing the podcast and I've missed your sponsors. I hope it's a good one. Come on. Well, no, look, they're all good because they all put money in the bank. They offer nothing to us in the way of financial security, Chris.

Nothing. Well, if that is true, right, if you are saying that they're all made up and that they're not actually lucrative, which they are, said it millions of times, even if they weren't, which they are, the comedy element, right, of them makes the podcast good,

which then pays the bills anyway. So either way, they are lucrative sponsors. So I believe you can go and fuck yourself. Right, well, fuck yourself back, and I respectfully disagree. Oh, that's good to be back. Listen, this week's sponsor is... Rocket.

Mmm. Rocket? Get yourself a bag of Rocket. Oh. Ooh, Rocket. Hey, do you like pepper? Yeah. Ooh, hey, do you like nettles?

Mmm. Get a bit of Rocket in you. Ooh, Rocket. Is this for Dig? Because I bought Rocket yesterday instead of, like, salad leaves. Wait for the slogan. Right. Rocket makes a salad even worse.

I like rocket. Rocket. Dry and hot at the same time. Rocket. If sand was a leaf, it would be rocket. Add a bit of spice to your salad. Rocket. Rocket.

Hate grass. Do you know what's worse than rocket? What? Spinach. No, no, spinach is great. Utterly pointless. I hate spinach. Don't you ever.

How dare you. I can't believe. Right, off us, Paul. Off us, Paul. I can hear this coming now. Spinach. Spinach is lovely. It's utter shit.

You can wilt it. You can stick it on eggs Florentine. I don't mind it wilted Weirdly Brilliant Here we go But just No but dry

In a salad Very sad It's a bit Yeah It's like someone's Glued a lot of lettuce together It's disgusting Too big

Too thick It is thick Tasteless Yeah I'd rather have a bit of rocket No Not No

No Rocket leaf Burning on the streets of heffalon rocket leaf burning my mouth in heffalon right cheers cheers cheers right here's the jingle hold on this is supposed to be a podcast we're drinking coffee what chris it is 25 to 3 in the afternoon should we have a glass of wine yes yes mint Yes, mint. Okay. Don't miss coffee, bye. Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle.

Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap.

Jingle. Hello, welcome back to this week's Shag Round and Oid. So I'm so happy. I'm so happy. So happy to be back. I'm happy back, but we are wineless. Right, okay. So just in the little break there during the jungle,

we decided against the glass of wine. No, I didn't decide against it. The world has, the universe has made it so that we can't have a glass of wine well yeah because we've got to pick our children up from your mums our children at your mums children how we've got children the boys the lads the boys the lads there couple of little tiddlers down there the lads are at rosie's mom's house um and she's in my bubble, so don't email. So we... Oh, is that still happening? That's still happening, isn't it?

I wanted to have a wine, but you took them down in the car, right? And there's no car seat there for her to put Rafe in her car. No. And there's also no buggy there. No. So for us to have some wine, we'd have to go and pick them up.

Now, I know you don't want to walk all the way down there. And guess who can't walk all the way down there with a pram? This fucker. Yeah, exactly. He's got a broken ankle. So we are literally trapped and we can't have a wine. That's why I had to drive them today. I shouldn't have really drove, actually.

Because of C-section, yeah. I mean, we're falling apart. We are. It's like a fucking... Right. Do you know what? This is such a weird, obscure reference, but you know I love my obscure references.

Can you remember Gulliver's Travels? Oh, is that when he goes big? Right, you're not going to get this, are you? No. Right, you go big, but he also goes little. Yes, it's the one with Jack Black. No, like, no. It's a massive bit of famous literature.

I know it is, but I don't know it very well. And then there's a one with, what's his name, off Cheers. He was in the first one. It was like a big, long BBC adaptation. Motherfucker. No, what's he called? I don't know it very well and then there's a one with what's his name off Cheers he was in the first one that was like a big long BBC adaptation Motherfucker no what's he called I don't know he's also in The Good Place

he's got grey hair in The Good Place he works behind the bar in Cheers oh I forgot his name anyway Gulliver's Travel he gets big

he's in the little yeah but there's loads of them he gets big and he gets small and he goes to all these different places and it's all like political allegories and stuff

it's not a story I'm very well aware of well basically there's just one way i can't even remember probably but he's at this bloke's fucking house and and they're going he's going like oh can we leave when can we leave and the guy's like tomorrow we'll go tomorrow we'll go and do this tomorrow and he just ends up there for fucking like years right that's what this currently feels like with the foot with your c-section with the things that we can't do i haven't been to the supermarket for fucking ages we're running out of shit there's just i've been meaning to get robin currently feels like with the foot with your c-section with the things that we can't do I haven't been to the supermarket for fucking ages we're running out of shit

there's just I've been meaning to get Robin some lined paper for his homeschooling and I've just been drawing lines on plain paper I'm fucking sick

I haven't even been able to pop to the shop to get a fucking a jotter a jotter but I have been to the shop yeah but you forget shit and you're rubbish

I asked you to go the other day for something you came with everything but the thing I'd asked for oh there was ice for your ankle actually ice for my ankle yeah well and you came with everything but the thing I'd asked for. Oh, there was ice for your ankle, actually. Ice for my ankle, yeah. Well, do you know

nothing about doing it? Well, I just thought you want to prolong this, do you? No, I don't. I really don't. But we'll get to that shortly. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah!

So obviously, there's a lot being going on. We've got a new child now and he's absolutely delicious. Brought a lot of sunshine to our life, hasn't he? He has, he's lovely. Robin loves him, it's great.

It is lovely. That's a lovely part of this year but life, hasn't he? He has, he's lovely. Robin loves him, it's great. It is lovely. That's a lovely part of this year, but obviously we're still going through utter shit! Sick of it. Sick, but whatever. You've got to be positive, don't you? Apparently. Apparently you've got to be positive. This is this thing. You've got to be positive because if you don't, then you're a horrible person and you know, you've just, just, listen

Chris, there's so much worse things going on, so how daretwch Chris, mae llawer o bethau gwaith yn digwydd felly sut y gallech chi fod yn pecyn? Iawn, iawn, wel, fe wnes i ddweud, nid yna wythnos arall, pan wnes i wneud un o'r bwydau maternol bach, fe wnes i ddweud, gallai bob amser fod yn gwaith ac mae'n gallu bod yn gwaith ond rwy'n meddwl weithiau y gallwch chi'n cael i fynd i'r afael â'r gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, ond mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae'n gwaith, mae' Do you know what I mean? Everything could be worse. It's the homeschooling and the working that's getting me. Fucking sick of homeschooling now. So the other day I was homeschooling Robin. His school's amazing. They do lovely little Zoom sessions and that.

But much like the dad on Friday night dinner, which I've been told I am, I'm just constantly boiling, especially for the fact that I've got to hobble around in a massive moon boot thing. Yeah. Which is, it's getting insulated, you know. It's like really, I put a sock on and I put this big moon boot on i've got my pajama pants on and i'm like boiling

and i'm hobbling around i'm carrying rave and i'm setting robin up at the computer and sometimes i'm just boiling chris it could be a lot worse fuck off and i sat at the table and robin's sitting sort of across from me with a camera facing him so i'm at the side of the laptop and i took my top off because i was fucking sweating and whilst he was on the Zoom? Well the camera was facing him until the tosser just for no reason just turned the laptop at me and his whole class and the teacher so like no one said anything

no one actually said anything but I definitely heard the teacher kind of Why haven't you told me this? There was a stutter in her sentence there was a stutter so it was like and today we will be it was like that there was just a moment where it was like and today we will be it was like that there was just a moment where it was like i should basically subconsciously went naked man and then carried on i was raging i slid it and he was like i'm like the amount of times i stopped bollocking him for

fanning on and i realized he's unmuted himself right this is the problem because we got a letter before all of this happened we got there is a letter in this kitchen which there's rules of the zoom and you are not obeying the rules of the Zoom. Right, what? Does one of them say dads have to have their tops on? No.

Well, it just, it says adults should not be on camera. I wasn't. He turned the laptop. but it says there should be appropriate clothing

for the kids. Well, and adults. What, do you think I want to sit with my top off? You're joking us, aren't you? You're bloody milking yourself every five minutes. I'm surprised your fucking pump's

not latched on your cheb now. Honestly, it's like a fucking dairy farm in here. Sick of it. Constantly got your top off? Bloody me dad. Me dad hasn't come round

for weeks. Doesn't know where to put himself. Do not get me started on this. On this whole debacle. Our boys, just honestly, you wait till they're older. Yeah. And I have their life. Yeah.

Well, yeah. We're going to get in the breastfeeding debate. Well, yeah, you've had a right time, haven't you? I just can't breastfeed. I just can't do it. My children will not suck on my tits for money. I swear to God. You actually said to me last night,

remember what you said to us last night when you were talking about it? You said if they bring their girlfriends home in the future and the girlfriends have got big boobs, I'm going to be like you're bloody joking, aren't you? How do you like big boobs now, do you? You didn't want to know about mine. Wouldn't suck on mine though, would you, you little shit? Honestly, they won't have it.

They will not have it. Let's not go. Rafe, let's not go to your house, your parents' house for Christmas Day again because your mum always gets really weird. You know when you ask for a coffee with milk and your mum started crying and kicking off? Come on.

Just go to a restaurant or something. Your Robin stopped going years ago. Why do you still go? I feel bad, i'm the youngest so long story short um robin was massive when he was born and he needed more food so we had to put him on a bottle quite early and the milk didn't come in for ages so i couldn't really breastfeed with rafe i was like i'm gonna do it i'm gonna do it so i was in the hospital and i was squeezing colostrum out my boob putting

it in little pots colostrum for people who don't know it's the first sort of stuff that comes out before the milk it's like it's like just squeezing a spot out of a nipple it's fucking disgusting it's grim it's really grim but i really wanted to do it so i was like right i'm doing this um so then i was syringing the colostrum in his mouth and i was like no you will you will latch you will do this he wouldn't so but i pursued i kept atostrum in his mouth and I was like, no, you will. You will latch. You will do this. He wouldn't. So, but I kept at it. Three days. Three days and he was just getting that.

And then we were told that he'd lost 13% of his body weight and he might have to be hospitalized. Yeah. So that was fun. So then we had to put him on a bottle, but I've been expressing breast milk for like three, no, nearly four weeks now. Yeah. So he's been getting breast milk.

Yeah. And he's been getting formula as well. But he will not suck on my boob. And if he does, it hurts. And it's just, I'm at that point now where I'm like, how many times am I just going to have to wrestle with you to suck on my tit? And I can't, I just can't do it anymore.

So we're at that point now where I'm like, what am I going to do? But this is fine because we have one child who was bottle fed and he's absolutely mint and he's thriving. And I'm not this person who's like, I don't care what people do. Children, you can feed them anyway.

You're like, I personally really wanted to breastfeed because I just wanted to do it. And I've really tried. But it's not happening and I'm not going to beat myself up. And I'm just going to crack on. A couple of things. Basically, Robin, with Robin, tried so hard. I've tried so hard. And I've really tried. But it's not happening and I'm not going to beat myself up and I'm just going to crack on. A couple of things. Basically, Robin, with Robin, we tried for ages.

Didn't the breastfeeding lady, like the special breastfeeding lady for the area, which is a mental job. I think they're called lactate. I don't know. No. Latch.

Latchies. You didn't get D4 Damager. You're not going to get this. The lech. The lech. Stop. That sounds like a creepy person. I don't know. That would be if the blow a french creep that would be if the doorbell went and a bloke was like i'm the

breastfeeding lady what bit of a le lech him and he so you tried with robin and the breastfeeding lady came around and she was in for like three hours and you were screaming and robin was screaming and she was screaming and then as she left like sweating and she was like he's latched on and i was like what's the three hours each day it's gonna take him to do it and it just didn't happen for whatever reason um and i remember i was at a gig years when robin robin must have been about two and a friend of mine was having a kid and he's what his pregnant wife was there and i after the gig for while having a drink and i was like oh talking about different things because obviously you know i'd had a two-year-old and she was like oh yeah i'm gonna breastfeed and i literally went into like i was drunk and apparently i just bent that ear for like 20 minutes about

look if you can't breastfeed don't blame yourself sometimes it doesn't happen and he was like yeah you know you're like drunk and he just talking to me wife about breastfeeding for 20 minutes must be the worst it's just really hard because it's something that, as a mam, you want to do it. And there is a lot of people who don't want to do it at all. That's absolutely fine. A lot of people don't even try.

I really wanted to do it. And it's just not happening. I am a bit gutted about it. But at the same time, he lost 30. He was going to have to go to hospital. Yeah. Because my milk hadn't come in.

Well, I had to go to hospital with him because he was lost loads of weight. And the doctor was like, well, what's happened? And I was like, well, I've been trying to hospital with him because he was lost loads of weight. And the doctor was like, well, what's happened? And I was like, well, they've been trying to breastfeed him for three days. You guys have been saying, make sure he feeds, make sure he breastfeeds.

He'll get it, he'll get it, he'll get it, he'll get it. And then they're like, why has he lost weight? I was like, because you've been giving him essentially a fucking sandwich in a Tupperware that doesn't open for three days. And he's lost weight. Of course he's lost fucking weight. But the main thing to remember is

the moment he tried to latch in the hospital and he wouldn't do it who was the person who immediately said get him on a bottle before this is a nightmare that's right

it was Chris Ramsey what happened three days later when we had to go to the hospital we got him on a bottle because it was a nightmare what's that do you know what I mean I'm not being funny though

I love being right right okay then right put it put it into man terms, all right? Your penis. Stop. No, no, no. You've got a penis. It doesn't work.

Right. What's your penis meant to do? Have sex. That's what it's meant to do. Well, it's meant to get erect, have sex, do the job. It's news to me. My boobs are meant to feed me baby. Right.

But he doesn't want it. So, it's a similar thing okay i just thought okay it would happen okay okay so i'll throw that analogy back at you okay so in this scenario you went to do it it wasn't working you kept persevering if my penis wasn't working i wouldn't slap my flaccid dick against a vagina for three days until the woman lost 13% of her body weight through starvation. And then go, probably when I get to tell a dildo pet I'll let myself out. There's the difference. I would have given up immediately.

You are horrible. That is, it's bang on annoyingly. Yeah. Very, very good analogy. So yeah. I'm giddy. I'm giddy I'm giddy I am as well this is the most

we've actually spoke as well by the way I know it's the most we've spoke since Rafe was born this is incredible I can't stop

thinking about your flaccid penis now slapping against a vagina you and every other red blooded woman in the world you're welcome

ladies moral of the story is, if you're listening to this and you're thinking about breastfeeding, give it a good shot. If you really want to do it, give it a try.

I know lots of people who do it really successfully. Do you know how I know I know a lot of people who do it successfully? Because they always want to give you a hand with it when you can't do it.

That's how I know that people do it. What, physically give you a hand? Just always, if you want me to help you with it, here a funny story right this is hilarious you'll love this so i was on a face time with my mom and my sister the other day and made my sister my sister couldn't breastfeed either obviously we just got really shit tits right me and kate shit tit sisters right she's got boys as well

That would have been a different Nickelodeon show Shit tit sisters Our boys don't want to suck on our tits Go home Roger The tits are shit go home Shit tit sisters Never knew how much I missed you Now everybody can see how shitty that your tits could be

Shit tit sisters I can only apologise to everyone listening. This is the worst. We've been talking about breastfeeding for like 30 minutes. So anyway, we were on a FaceTime with my mum and Kate. And Kate was like, so I think I might have put something on Instagram that I was struggling a bit. And my Kate had got messages of people saying,

if your Rosie's struggling, strangers, tell her to get in touch with me and I'll help her with the breastfeeding. My Kate's like, do you need Anna from Wilkin, Lincolnshire to help you? Wilkinshire, yes. Wherever the fuck she lives. Do you need Anna from a place I've just made up?

Do you need her to help you with your breastfeeding? Or do lives do you need Anna from a place I've just made up do you need her to help you when you're breastfeeding or do you think you could just kind of do it yourself or help ask someone you know

or what anyway and then we were kind of having a little joke and maybe a little bit passive aggressive because we were a bit angry that we couldn't do it ourselves about how

when some women when they breastfeed they make it like their thing like I'm a breastfeeder like it's their thing and that and you know what great okay but then my mom because my mom of course she did sandra her tits are mint she breastfed like all of her minted mother and so she was very much of the well girls

you know it's it's very it's natural it's it just it should happen you know maybe she just didn't bloody but i didn't try too long and all this shit. And I was like, ma'am, you're one of them. And then we found out through the conversation, me ma'am, right, used to go to little groups and show women how to breastfeed with my Kate. She would get her tit out, breastfeed our Kate, and all the women would come and have a look.

And I was like, Sandra, you've gone down in my estimation. She's one of them. One of them. One of them. One of them. So, just as a bloke, I don't, it's just, like, we don't have that. Men don't have that, you know, appendage that we'll feed a child with.

It is an incredibly beautiful thing. Like we said, if you're out there and you're trying to breastfeed, God, persevere. I hope you can do it. You know, good luck to you. I was desperate. You know, you luck to you. I was desperate. You know, you do realise I'm just a bit, what's the word? Bitter.

I'm very bitter about it. Or sour, like the milk in your tits. It's sweeter, apparently. But men just don't have that. It's just really, just, can you imagine a bloke? Can you imagine wherever your man went and did that? The fucking community centre. Can you imagine the caretaker walking in and just how awkward and upset he would be at seeing a woman breastfeeding and a load of other women looking do you know what i mean right men

just because men just don't have that part of that it's just to us it's always going to be weird it always is have i not told you every single time a woman is breastfeeding a child i don't know what's happening i always try and look at the kid's face and And then I see the tit. I have been there when you've done it. I see the tit like right at the 11th hour. I'm like, oh my God, I've got my head in your cleavage. I didn't know. I thought it was hiding its face. It's having its dinner.

No, I'm not trying to, breastfeeding is so natural. That's what they're for. That's what they're for. I'm just bitter. I'm not saying that. We're saying it's hard. We're not saying it's not natural. It's the most natural thing in the world.

But it's fucking, it can be hard. Yeah. Which is what I drunkenly said to my mate's wife after a gig and apparently ruined the night. Well, I mean, please stop. Please stop giving women breastfeeding advice. Listen, I'm going to a group when lockdown's finished. I'm going to a group.

With me mum? No, just me, weirdly. No takers yet. I wouldn't have me mum. I bet she could breastfeed, Rafe. She's probably doing it now she's probably doing it that's awful

him and Robin oh that's what on each that's awful and I'll go in she goes see Rosie easy

no hands they're just hanging on like fish I'll be like oh Sandra bitch god shit tit sisters

shit tit sisters Shit tit sisters Go home Roger Babadoo babadoo babadoo Bit of an update For the avid podcast listener I was speaking to my dad the other day Rosie can you remember When I said that my dad

Used to take us to South Shields over 40s matches I said it recently Yes I said that The football Yeah And I remembered in the dressing room

There was a bloke with like a mole At the top of his bum Top of his bum crack Yeah It was like a wart at the top of his bum top of his bum crack yeah it was like a wart at the top of his bum crack I mentioned it recently and I said to my dad

randomly I was like dad you know when you used to take me to the football matches I went it's really weird but do you remember like a bloke

who had like like a mole at the top like a wart thing at the top of his arse crack and literally without missing a beat my dad gave us

his full name really he gave us his full name really he gave us his full name he said he used to be a doorman and he was really really self conscious about the wart in his arse crack

full name straight away fucking weird as hell but you don't forget stuff like that he says oh I don't know what his name is

Davey such and such I will pick off the top of my head I mean poor bloke if he's listening to this yeah you know,

that's literally come back to bite him in the arse. Just above the arse. Didn't have far to go. You can get them taken off, you know. Yeah. Someone I know

had a thing at the top of his bum And it used to always Puss all the time Was that not a primordial tail thing? What? Was it not a tail Or was it like a little lump?

A tail No it was like a cyst Oh right So it used to always Puss in that Puss Cis and puss Puss

Awful words I know Then he got it lanced Lanced That's a bad word as well No that's a good one Jesus Christ It's a good one

So then he got it taken out So that was not a problem anymore, but it was always quite nice when he used to puss in that. What? Sorry? It was quite nice. What do you mean?

Because I love stuff like that, don't I? Well, where did you see it? When he used to puss. What do you mean? I used to work with him. Well, where? Fucking, the human centipede life. How were you seeing his arse crack that close up?

Because he used to work in quite close proximity with him. Where did you work? Abroad. Well, why has he just got his arse crack that close up? Because he used to work in quite close proximity with him. Where did you work? Abroad. Well, why has he just got his arse all out all day? It's possing. Gather round, everyone. It's possing. Listen, if you like stuff like that and you find somebody else who likes stuff like that,

don't mind churning with each other. Spots. Cysts. But I've told you my thing with spots. I like to watch. I don't like to do it. Right, okay. I couldn't squeeze someone's spot. I could watch them. So if it was dogging, you stand outside the window just watching? spots i like to watch i don't like to do it right okay i couldn't squeeze someone's spot i could watch them so if this if it was dogging you stand outside the window just watching why has it got to be with dogging it's completely different i don't want to join in i want to watch that's that thing in it so that's what some people do with dog and they just stand outside the windows don't they

that would probably be me actually yeah so yeah so you wouldn't want to go and see a sex show or something in amsterdam you want to go and see people squeezing spots onto the window oh that's it well that would be copyright copyright that so if they stand inside and squeeze them onto the glass and you stand the other side of the glass christopher i'm not being funny 2020 has been a bit of a shit year don't know when tours are going to happen again 2021 has been a shit year oh god we're in 2020 oh jesus should we do that i think social distance the glasses in the way that would make money that would make loads of money people's popping zits on the glass and the other person on the other side out just yeah yeah yes i mean there is youtube videos with loads of them on which is essentially the same thing yeah it's good for anxiety you still have some anxiety or stress or anything

like that watch a couple of spot squeezing videos before bed and it just releases loads of halfway i think i've read an in an interview Russell Howard watches them before he goes on stage. Does he? Yeah. Oh. I've read it in an interview. I watch them before bed.

I might start watching them on the night feed. That's, don't do that. By the way, killing us on these night feeds. Yeah. I'm a walking zombie.

Yeah. Sticking me life. I mean, I keep hearing you's getting up and that's a bit distracting for my full night's kip. my god oh actually speaking of night feeds just want you to know this is what i'm currently listening to when i'm trying to get back to sleep after i've put down um his royal highness and you're next to us so do you want to have a little listen yeah yeah yeah if you listen

really carefully this you can hear rave lovely little squeaky little voice. And in the background, you can just hear you giving it a lodge. So this is me lying in the dark trying to get back to sleep at, what time was this? Oh, 3am. Wow. The pigs, ladies and gentlemen. Honest to God. So were you, I'm interested to know, were you recording and then leaning to me, then leaning to him?

No, that was me in the middle. Oh my God. That was me lying in the middle. But you recently, I've got this, this is from the 10th of January. You started you know how you did tennis snoring yeah you've got a new one now oh really this is helicopter snoring I don't know whether it's gonna pick this up so here we go yeah it sounds like a helicopter in the distance disgusting really proud of that Yeah, it's a...

It sounds like a helicopter in the distance. Disgusting. I'm really proud of that. Horrible. Horrible. I feel like the guy off Police Academy. Do all the sound effects. Hey, what a talented bloke I am, even in my sleep.

Even in your sleep. Come on. Disgusting. Sorry, love. It's nice, though, because you're getting a full... You're getting at least seven hours, which is good. I'm averaging about two and a half. I prefer eight, but I'll take the seven.

Yeah. I'll take the seven. But can you please explain before I get a load of emails slagging us off? Which I've already had, by the way, about my anger. I've got nothing but abuse from you bastards. Thanks very much, everyone. Good. I get up with them both in the morning.

I have Rafe in the morning. And then I do this homeschooling with Robin and Rafe while... Rafe's not learning much. With Robin while I've got Rafe until while you're sleeping until like 10. Yeah, that's the deal. That's the deal. So we have worked it out okay.

And it started, it basically started because I couldn't do the night feeds because I literally couldn't move. I can walk on my moon boot thing now, but I couldn't move because of my foot. Well, no, but there is also the problem of, it was going to be next week's beef, but I might as well bring it up now just really quickly

because we're back and this is probably going to be a bit of a, but I might as well bring it up now. Just really quickly, because we're back and this is probably going to be a bit of a longer episode because we've got a lot to talk about. We've noticed recently that Chris actually he's got a really bad medical problem. Chris cannot lie on a bed without falling asleep.

So, we've noticed, it's only happened just over the last few weeks, but Chris, you don't mind me telling this to you? No, no, go on. It's come on out of nowhere. We're going to take him to the doctors next week. He can't physically, apparently, lie on a bed without falling asleep.

Rosie, I just can't lie in bed without falling asleep. But Chris, what child needs feeding? I can't do it. Right. I can't lie there. Let's get some fucking background here. Stupid moron! For the first couple of weeks, I wanted

to go downstairs and feed Rafe downstairs and watch the telly. Because I don't see the point in going upstairs, getting my pyjamas on, getting myself into bed, getting myself nice and cosy to sit there or lie there and not go to sleep because i've got to be feeding this kid so i was like fuck this kid i can have the telly on this random child

i can have the telly on right i can be still dressed i can be sitting up i can have like a cup of tea i can be awake and i can feed him until he falls asleep then bring him up that was my thing my thing you making me you go no you need to upstairs. You making me lie in bed and try to stay awake was basically like saying, I'm sorry. No, it was basically like saying, take your clothes off, take your pants and your underpants off, sit on that toilet, sit on that toilet all day, but don't you dare piss or shit. Don't you dare.

Don't you sound like an old dog? I can't lie there in the sun without falling asleep. Yes, you can. asleep yes you can yes you can you can lie in bed feed your child with the lamp on put the telly on you don't have to fall asleep

it's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard in my life also the biggest excuse I'm very exhausted I'm very exhausted of healing of me bone healing

I'm very exhausted and it's very tiring hobbling and jumping around all day I'm expelling a lot of energy. So there's that. Well, let's crack on. Let's go straight.

Let's go to the beefs. Why? Because I want to talk about this. Shit. Oh, you keep skitting. I'm going to get... Oh, I don't like this. Don't like this at all.

It's time for What's Your Beef? Hello, Chris. Oh, hello. Oh, fuck that. Yes. Oh, Chris. Oh, hello. Oh, fuck that. Yes. Oh, good. Go on.

Go on, you fucking, you worst actress ever. I wanted to do Barry, but I did Belinda's voice, but aggressively. Right. No, I'll do it again next week. Anyway.

So close. You just wanted to say hello. It's like, honestly, it's like going to see a spiritualist, like a medium. Oh, someone's coming through. Oh, no, they've gone. I forgot their voice.

Bye. That'll be 20 quid. Your dad says stop moving the sofa. All right, I... Fuck me. Charlatan, now. Yes. What's your beef?

What's my beef? Yeah. Me beef is the same as me last beef a couple of episodes ago. Reusing material. Well, it's added to this beef. So, obviously, you broke your ankle. I genuinely feel sorry for you.

I can imagine it being very painful. It's been nice to see some sympathy. My sympathy goes, Chris, right? So, just to set the scene, everyone, we went somewhere the other day for a drive don't tell don't shout at us we had to get out the house there's a lovely bakery in a little village near where we live and we went to the bakery right chris parked a little further away from the bakery right with his broken ankle i stayed in the car with rave and robin fed rave robin was there chris walked probably what

was it 600 yards 600 yards to the bakery. You did, didn't you? Didn't take your crutches. Just walked there. Yep. Right. Got his cream cake.

On me moon boot. Got his fill, right? Got all his shit. Come back with a fucking carrier bag of delicatessen garbage, right? I thought,

okay, good, he's been for a little tunnel. No delicatessen's meat. Ah, I fucking don't care. It is, isn't it? He said it was a bakery. He literally said five a little tunnel. No, delicatessen's meat. I fucking don't care. It is, isn't it? He said it was a bakery.

He literally said five minutes ago it was a bakery. It is a bakery. Yeah, and then you went and called it a delicatessen. I got the wrong word. What did I mean? Cremtisserie? Cremtisserie! Petisserie.

Fucking cremtisserie. Petisserie. Do I mean patisserie right it's because I'm so angry it's like in only prison horses where del boy tries to do french creme tisserie

rodders being the old creme tisserie can I get back to my story? Yeah, go on then. Right, back to my story. So, fat greedy pig over here went and got all his fill, right, at the bakery, cremtisserie. That night, that evening, Christopher, with a really sad face, I looked over and I was like, you all right?

He's like, I shouldn't be walking on this. And I went, what do you mean? He went, I've been texting. So he's bringing his mates in. I've been texting Manfred and Beckett, who both broke their ankles apparently before. They said, you're walking too much. And I'm like, I'm walking too much.

And I said to him, well, Chris, you're not really walking in the house. You only go in the toilet and the boiler tap. It's the only places you go, really. You don't go up and down the stairs and stuff. You're just doing it. You're like, I'm doing too much. And I went, do you think you might have been

that walk to the bakery today? You greedy, fat heff. That's 600 yards you hobbled to get a cream cake. Eh? Oh, Mr. Ramsey, you're not healing as quickly as we thought you would. What have you been doing? Nothing, nothing.

You walked to the bakery, Dr. Hopped onto that bakery. But he will not. He will not climb them stairs to bring his wife a cup of coffee in bed. Bloody good bakery. Bloody good bakery. Well, this leads me straight on. Straight on.

I got excited. I was excited to be out of the house. I was excited to be somewhere else you were feeding Rafe in the back of the car I was like do you know what

do you know what I'll walk to this bakery and get myself the cakes and you know what it is I hobbled I hobbled

I was in agony and I didn't take my crutches because it's cobbles and I didn't want to fall on the cobbles it was cobbles it was cobbles

I was hobbling on the cobbles I was hobbling on the cobbles right well here's something would you have done that

if that had been a shop of bibs? To buy bibs? If Rafe needed a bib, would you have hobbled there? Would you have

went, Rosie, I can't walk there? I'm going to be honest with you. In this current climate, the way everything is, I don't think a bib

shop would be open still. I think it would have shut down. It's just not realistic. Do not bring COVID into this.

It's just not realistic. What, a shop that sells just bibs? No, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Mr. Mr. Got his foot up every day. Rosie, I'm doing too much. I'm walking too much.

Oh, the bakery. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'll run. I'll run. To the bakery. You pig. Honestly, I was furious. They've said... Manfred and Beckett, they've said... They both said, you're doing too much. Honestly, I was furious. They've said, Manfred and Beckett, they've said,

they both said you're doing too much, walking on it too much. Oh, were they there today, were they? I had to start walking on it. I just had to start. The physio guy was like, you can't be putting any pressure on it. I was like, I am going to fucking chop it off if I don't. Yeah, but this is people who, I think what they mean by don't walk on it is people who

break their ankle and then go walk around the metro centre for two hours the next day. I'd love to. Shut. Honestly.

Are garden centres still shut? I don't know. I can't walk around them anyway. It's too far. I'm thinking, should we go to Costco for something to do tomorrow? Are we allowed?

I don't know. Take the kids. Rafe's never been to a shop yet. Rafe's never been to Costco. He's never been to Costco. Come on to Costco, Rafe. Look at these inflatable hot tubs. Get in.

I'll take them. We'll buy him a fridge. A fridge. Buy him a little fridge for his room. Yeah. Excellent. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.

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This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all.

No, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Fridayiday get tickets now what's your beef with me you can't have a beef with me surely i mean i probably shouldn't have a beef with you but i've definitely got one and it's a double barrel beef so uh you mentioned it you did touch on it in the last little thing that you said there you're basically

the reason you're so angry that I've broke my ankle is because it impacts on you it impacts on how much you wanted me to run around after you oh yeah my recovery

has halved I'm better now look at me look at me healed from me open surgery major caesarean surgery

you should be thanking us then you should be thanking us because what I've done is I've lit a fire under you to achieve what you didn't think you could achieve. I've made you push the limits. All right then,

well let's wait five years down the line when I go to the hospital with an ulcer and they'll go, Mrs. Ramsey, you have internal damage. What did you do? And I'll say,

my husband broke his fucking ankle and I had to do everything, your Royal Highness. But the cream cakes were lush. But honestly, that Mars Bar Crispy Cake, that was worth it. his fucking ankle and I had to do everything your royal highness but the cream cakes were lush but honestly that Mars Bar crispy cake that was worth it

so you you are you basically said the other day when you were talking about my ankle you know like you broke your ankle

Chris because it is we're making light of it but it is massively like you recovering from cesarean one week old baby we had at the time, broken ankle, lockdown. Robbing not at school.

Robbing not at school. Not, you know, not allowed to have loads of people coming around to help you out with stuff, right? Yeah, hell, hell on earth. Hell on earth. But you actually said the other day, you went, I wake up and I remember that you've got a bad foot. First time, I wake up Chris in the morning and I remember that you've got a bad foot. First thing, I wake up, Chris, in the morning and I remember that you've got a bad foot

because me favourite part of the day was lying in bed knowing that you and Robin were fine downstairs and you could bring me a coffee to bed. Yeah. That's what you said. Yeah, yeah. So the main thing was that you couldn't get your coffee. So you wake up now, me, Robin and Rafe are fine downstairs.

The only difference is you've got to fucking come down for your own coffee, you lazy cow. Torture. And you have an absolute not of it. And if anyone listening thinks, that's not lazy, she just wants a little treat of men, she's not lazy,

I'll bring you to the second part of my argument, which I've got written down, which is another quote that my wife said, after she'd been in a hospital, which I actually couldn't fucking fathom. You are so lazy, Rosie. A quote that I wrote in my phone when you said it. You actually

said the words after your operation that catheter was the best thing I've ever had. That catheter was the best thing I've ever had. You said those words and I just wrote it down in my... You were so buzzing

that you could lie in your bed and just piss. That you didn't have to get up and that you didn't have to actually push to have a piss or wipe. Said no one ever, that catheter was the best thing I ever had.

You fucking lazy mess. Oh my god. Chris, I really love that catheter. Honestly, honestly, I love that catheter. I didn't have to get it for a week,

for like two days. Yeah, yeah. They kept it in longer, you know. Mrs. Doctor Mrs. Ramsey's requested we leave the catheter in this is a medical first this will go in the medical journals

no one's ever said this yes she wants she wants to take it home with her is that alright and she wants the bag to actually be an oil drum that she can just wheel around with her that wheel coming empty every two months.

The human septic tank. The human septic tank. Oh, hey. Honestly, it was great. It was bloody... I think it's given us an infection, to be honest. Fantastic. But at the time, I really liked it.

Hey, the price you pay. The price you pay for comfort. Fuck me. It's just something really luxurious. Luxurious! I'm going to die. Luxurious. There's something really luxurious about sitting and having a conversation with a nurse

and them just looking down and going, ooh, your bag's filling up. There was one point. So obviously I'm living in going, ooh, your bag's filling up. It was one point. So obviously I'm living in Cathedra Bliss, right? Not really, not knowing when I'm weighing or not. I was just living in like, I haven't been in the toilet for a day. This is cool.

And drinking, I was drinking loads as well. I couldn't believe it. You know I love juice. I was just drinking so much juice. Chris, look how much I can drink without getting up. Look. And after just being pregnant, when you have to go to the toilet, like

25 times a day, it was just, it was honestly luxurious. But then there was the point when one of the nurses came in and they took me blood pressure and everything and then she was like, oh, your catheter needs changing and she picked it up and she just lobbed it on the bed and then she was like, oh, your catheter needs changing and she picked it up and she just lobbed it on the bed

and I was like, that's my bag of piss, isn't it? And then you remember, you remember that you're just pissing in this bag. But you can't, I would say out of my mind, it was under the bed, I couldn't see it.

Oh my God. Yeah, I saw it every time I came in. Oh, did you? Every time I walked in the door, it was just there, greeting us. Fucking hell, man. Wonderful. No one, I saw it every time I came in every time I walked in the door it was just there greeting us wonderful no one in the history of the world

has ever described a catheter as luxurious honestly luxurious hey how are the other half piss the other half piss. And how many bathrooms do you have in the manor house? None. We've got no bathrooms.

Look, we've all got these, aren't we? When our children are born, they get their catheter. Wouldn't that be not suffice? No, it's family tradition. they get their catheter. Wouldn't that be not suffice? No, it's family tradition. They get a catheter. I notice you've got pets.

Does your cat have a litter tray? It's a catheter. The cat's got its own catheter there. I'm strapped to either side of it. It's like a little bomb vest for a cat there. A yellow bomb vest. Oh, we'll all wear combat trousers and put

them in the pockets on their legs. Oh, God. Oh, hey. I tell you what. Don't take it away from us. Oh God Oh hey I tell you what Don't take it away from us Anytime I'm gonna If I ever have to go to hospital again You know the first thing

I'll be asking for Yeah a catheter Mrs Ramsey do you want some pain relief Catheter Have a catheter please But Mrs Ramsey It's an operation on your hand Catheter

It's an operation on your hand. Catheter! It's an operation on your hand with no anaesthetic. It's just your finger. We're just realigning your broken finger. Get us a catheter! Mrs. Ramsey, you only only have a 40 minute event. If you don't get me that catheter now! Giving the dentist a one star review because he didn't get a catheter when you were getting your fucking plaque scraped off

right okay anyway right Rosie nice to see you glad we're open again after lockdown what you having today just getting your roots done and a trim and everything? Yes. Can I have a catheter while I'm here?

Is that the hairdresser? Yeah, it's the hairdresser. To be fair, you're there for four hours. I'm not the hairdresser's longer than anywhere else. Yeah, they should probably get catheters at the hairdresser's. Yeah. That would be a good idea. Right, copyrighted.

I'm going to get on that. Yeah, absolutely. We give the nurses. Maybe the seats should just be your toilet you know the seat that you're on at the hairdresser's maybe you should just

have a hole in the bottom maybe you should sit down that would be great yeah I've got the cloak over yeah just whip your pants down sit down you could just yeah

doing your fringe now stay still it's alright I'm not moving I'm just that's me Catherine at order babadoo babadoo babadoo I'm not moving I'm just That's to be Catherine at order Babadoo babadoo

babadoo It's time for questions from the public From the public public public He's still using it you know

Is he? Boris Nicknit Unbelievable They're still doing that you know Them things The briefings

I haven't watched the news for months I think they're on quite often months because people I still get tweets of people saying

Boris Johnson every time he says a question from the public I'm like they're still doing that shit I can't I can't

watch that many graphs live no I can't do it I don't know if they're still doing the graphs I can't watch

the news in general it's just at no point do they go look we know this is we know this is confusing but you. I can't watch the news in general. It's just at no point do they go, look, we know this is confusing, but I'll try and put it in layman's terms. They literally go, welcome to the briefing. And one of them goes, yes, graph time. And he just whips the graphs up.

And he always goes, as you can see, clearly, no, none of us can see clearly what you're about to see. You're fucking doing it on purpose. Yeah. God damn it. You can't convince them, confuse them. Oh.

Somebody said that. Somebody important. Oh, somebody important. From many years ago. Excellent, yeah. So true. Was it from olden times? From the olden days,

Victorian days. As always, guys, if you want to get in touch at shagboundanoid at gmail.com. Send us your stories, send us your office polls, send us all kinds of stuff and we hope you're doing all right out there

in the land of lockdown forever. Hope're okay let's crack on i'm not okay let's crack on okay good it was a rhetorical question oh so right sorry i just i'm not okay that's worn out hasn't it well do you remember years ago when when people used to go how are you and you'd go i'm fine yeah fine when you weren't fine yeah I can't do that anymore somebody say how you doing I'm like I'm not very well

yeah thankfully we're not seeing people because that would be yeah it's always have I talked about it on the podcast before where you go

just that person where you go like hello mate you alright and they go well actually no and you go I wasn't asking it wasn't a real question

yeah it wasn't a real question yeah it wasn't a real question i was i was still walking when i said it yeah yeah i was you know we're passing through the street yeah but yeah that's yeah if we were seeing people at the minute it would be are you all right no that's me but we're not seeing people so we'll be all right if you're seeing people so weirdly it's a kind of it would kind of cancer yeah it would kind of cancer itself out anyway let's get some cues from the pew to cheer them in. Are they disgusting, dirty, vile, putrid...

Well, we've just got... I found a nice mixture. Oh, well, there you go. Dear Rosie and Chris, hearing about Chris breaking his ankle so soon after you having your gorgeous baby made me want to tell you my parents' story from 21 years ago.

Oh. Thank you for calling them gorgeous. It's very nice how lovely you've all been. Really appreciate it. Yeah, thank you. My mam fell down the stairs when she was heavily pregnant with my younger sister.

She was okay, but didn't want to move in case she hurt herself or the baby. Yeah. My dad phoned the midwife whilst me and my older brothers all watched the drama from the top of the stairs.

After ringing the midwife, my dad came upstairs to check on us. But halfway up the stairs, the midwife called back, so my dad quickly turned around to go back to the phone don't having carefully stepped over my mom to get up the stairs going back down he was not so cautious and tripped and fell down the bottom four steps landing on top of my mom who was still lying on the floor both of them had to go to hospital what

fortunately my mom and my sister were both fine but my dad ended up on crutches so my mom now had to take care of three kids all under the age of five whilst heavily pregnant with my dad on crutches to make matters worse whenever people saw them my dad would get so much sympathy for having fallen down the stairs brackets when he only fell down four whilst my mom with no visible injuries had no sympathy despite falling from top to bottom whilst pregnant yeah needless to say she was not pleased i feel like he's done worse than me there i feel like i've added this in to make me look better i feel like you might have yeah but what a dick honestly dicks.

When you did that to your uncle, I got so many messages off people. Most of them football injuries. Most of them were. Most of them started off, I went in labour on this day, the morning of, my partner or husband went and played five-a-side,

broke his leg, blah-de-blah. And yous are stupid, honestly. I've got to say, if you are not getting paid to play football and yous are yous are stupid honestly but I've got to say if you are not getting paid to play football and you're injuring yourself doing it you're a fucking idiot

you're a fucking idiot the amount of mates I've got who are like oh I one of my mates I think I was talking about him before both his kneecaps came off when he was playing football

and then one of them came off and he went and played football again and the other one came off and it was like what you're not getting 50 grand a week it's dangerous isn't it like Jermaine Genis

in his prime for fucking Newcastle like stop it it's not worth it fuck me but anyway I did it on frozen grass but I just feel like

this guy's made me look better I feel like wife falls down pregnant on the stairs he's like I'll sort it darling where's me crutches like useless twat

I enjoyed it I'll never forget that moment you walked in the room sat down and I seen your face and you hobbled in. I just thought you fucking wanker. Was it the first thing I said? When I fell over, broke my ankle, I lay on my back in the field and the first thing I said was, she's going to fucking kill us.

Yeah. It's the first thing I said. I went, she's going to kill us. It's just like we laugh about it we had a good laugh about it didn't we yeah but at the time and still now it's just like really really anyway look what this bloke did it worse so i'm a good guy on the subject of breakages this one really really made me chuckle okay hello i'm sorry to hear of chris's mishap but i think i can take it to another level my wife doesn't do anything by half and this is certainly true of

just over five years ago not content with being pregnant with twins being type 1 diabetic and being classed as a geriatric mother which is like over 35 that's crazy that's upsetting I just scraped it geriatric mother it might be younger you know that's harsh as fuck to be fair I tell you what

anyway she decided to fall down the stairs three days into her maternity leave while seven month pregnant with our twins

oh twins yeah twins she was walking down the stairs whilst carrying washing but decided to read messages on her phone and lost her footing and fell,

and fell, breaking her ankle. Oh, ouch. Yeah. Her ankle needed surgery. But because she was so pregnant, they didn't want to risk an operation. So three days in hospital later, and she was released. Add into the mix that we, this is like, we thought we had it bad. This is bad.

Right. Add into the mix that we had to have work done on our house which meant the hallway floor was lifted out and the stairs removed we had to move into my parents and put a bed in the lounge she was only able to be moved in a wheelchair and had to use a commode the cast on her leg had to be cracked along the sides to allow for the pregnancy swelling in her ankle. Hormones and not being able to move made her very irritable. We managed to give her one shower. What?

We managed to give her one shower is that sentence, right? So the mom and dad are helped. Yeah, so that just paints such an amazing picture. Just those, what, one, two, three, four, five, six words there. Oh, bless it. We managed to give her one shower. It sounds like something they would say talking about an injured elephant on a documentary.

We managed to give her one shower. One last shower. Listen, right, we managed to give her one shower. She sat in my parents' bathroom on her commode in a paddling pool whilst I... Whilst I sprayed the shower in her direction. Oh, bless her heart. Oh, no her heart. Oh, no.

The poor lass. Three weeks later, delivery day arrived and my wife had a C-section with her ankle in a plaster. So she sat with her legs, you know, as you lay, kind of, your ankle in plaster, getting a C-section. Thankfully, our twins were born happy and healthy, thank goodness. But my wife then had to recover from her C-section. Thankfully, our twins were born happy and healthy, thank goodness, but my wife then had to recover from her C-section while trying to get round on a broken ankle. Oh.

Listen to this. This is the saddest thing I've ever heard. Do not more. Listen, this is the last bit. Right. Our first trip out as a family involved my wife pushing the double buggy whilst I was pushing her wheelchair.

Poor lass, man. Okay, that's weirdly made us feel a bit better. Sort of. So she's got a cast recovering from a C-section but she wanted to push the buggy, bless her heart.

So she's probably, Rosie, the handle for the buggy's probably like under her chin and he had to push her. Tell you what, though. Bet you enjoyed her catheter. Bet that came as a welcome relief.

I love the idea that you'd be in the very park that they went past and you'd see a catheter hanging from her chin. You'd go, look at that lucky bitch. Bloody millionaires around here with their catheters hanging out. Quick one here. Hi, Chris and Rosie. My son's dad is in my phone under the name That lucky bitch. Bloody millionaires around here with a catheter that's hanging out. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Quick one here.

Hi, Chris and Rosie. My son's dad is in my phone under the name Prick. Do you have anyone in your contacts under a name other than their real name that you wouldn't want them to see? Thanks. Oh, that's nice. I'm guessing they're not together anymore. Are they still together?

I don't know. That's all I've got. I don't know how to read into that, are they still together? I don't know that's all I've got I don't know how to read into that but yeah I don't and I also don't why does this annoy us why am I such a dick right I hate it when people have their partner's name

in their phone with like heart emojis and a nickname and it makes us want to vomit you're Chris in my phone but I know people who have like I can't think of one off the top of my head, like a nickname and then hot emojis and it's like I'm like, oh,

you've been together for 15 years. Get over yourself. Yeah, I know people who've got like their wives in the phone as the wife. It says the wife when it's ringing on the screen and stuff um i've got uh there's only two that come to my head here i've got so we got um the bathroom done and the water pressure was terrible so i had to get another guy came in from the same bathroom company they

sorted out but he had to come in and put a pump in yeah now to put the universe he's a plumber he's called steve to put the universal pump straight into the water cylinder he had to put a thing in called an Essex flange right and he is in my phone as Steve Essex flange oh that's good so that's good you've also got

your tour manager Rhys as Mr Dogshit my tour manager Rhys is in as Mr Dogshit yeah that's just

colleges have made that up because Rhys is the nicest man on the planet bar none so the idea of calling him Mr Dogshit because he's so nice was just hilariously horrendous and it's stuck ever since um and he's actually phoned in the car and i've

had like back in the days phoned in the car and i've had people in the car you know where it comes up on the screen mr dog shit and you have to explain you know i've had like the brother-in-law in the car and i've been like that says mr we got them a hamper for christmas a few years ago yes and we put mr dog i sent it to mr dog shit dog shit industries and then his address yeah and his neighbor had to collect it that was that was good um and uh i have got um a mate of mine stephen davies uh once sent us a photo of a letter that got sent i still makes us laugh he's called stephen davies and he got a letter sent to his house from some company and he sent us a photo of it and i changed it in my phone straight away so whenever he rings it says on the phone it says on my phone exactly what it said on the front of the letter that got me so it said sleptman davies and i don't know why it was so funny but

when everything's i text us it just says sleptman davies on my phone what was it yeah yeah sleptman sleptman davies I'd still laugh me out of thinking about it now that is I wish we'd known that before we named Rafe

Slepman Ramsey I like it it's got a good ring to it babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo got another one here little quick one

just listening I don't know what was going through this person's head I can't really make head in a tail of what they're trying to say but they've just they've clearly listened to episode 97 which they've just said here work something out and had to immediately email it and that's what's happened okay just listen to episode number 97 if you want to freeze a fart use cling film on the surface of your bath growing up my brother

and i would capture farts this way in a flannel prior to attempting to shove them into each other's face. Happy New Year. Cheers. That's the email. That's all it says. Put cling film over your bath. I can't. I don't understand what he means. So I don't know if he means put cling film across the water surface and then fart and then when the bubble comes up wrap the cling film

round so you've got water and then a bubble and the bubble in there is the fart and then put that cling film in the freezer and then that bubble is frozen as the i don't know what goes through people's head that's all i can i looked at this email for so long trying to work it out so if you put a bit of cling film flat on the surface of the water so there's no air under it yep yep yep then you i can't believe i'm describing this then you fart so the bubble goes up and it's

as if it's going to go up and burst on the surface of the water but the cling film's there then if you pull the cling film down around it like a water bomb

tighten it so the only A inside the cling film is fart fart fart I think

that's how you freeze a fart right okay well listen are we nearly done? yeah might have a little time how has this won awards? how are we still doing this?

this podcast spawned a book a tour that hasn't happened yet but will happen will it? it will, stop it, it will one day it book, a tour that hasn't happened yet, but will happen. Will it? It will. Stop it. It will. One day, it will. We don't know when. Hopefully this year, but we'll see.

Let's just address it now. A lot of people have been asking about the tour, the Shagbriar Noi tour. Why are you asking? No, somebody said... No, I'm talking to them. Someone said it to me the other day. I went to pick up a Chinese the other day with my crutches in the car, hobbled a lady in the chinese went what's happened about you what's

gonna happen about your tour and i went are you fucking for real i went i don't know do you watch the news how am i supposed to know well don't get so defensive i didn't funny how you were getting food again that's funny we'll only walk for food it's literally carrot and a stick but not a carrot I don't want carrot it's healthy so yeah we have no idea we are trying to keep it

keep it open as long as we possibly can keep it positive it's booked for what May we'll see what happens yeah we're just going to have to

eat it out and try I don't know because we don't want to reschedule it just in case well we don't know if we have to yet that's the thing we just don't know so all we don't want to reschedule it just in case. Well, we don't know if I have to yet. That's the thing, we just don't know. So all we can say to you is sit tight and fucking,

guys, you will not believe how eager we are to get out and see you. I mean, holy fucking hell. I have dreams, man. Well, we wake up usually every morning and just go, I was thinking about the tour last night, and I wake up in the middle of the night and write down ideas for it.

And we are so desperate to get on stage. Oh God. And genuinely, I had a dream the other day, I was doing a gig and I woke up and I was close to tears when I woke up. I know.

Just missing it so much. I know. So soon, soon. And it's going to be fucking belt. Oh my God, it's going to be unbelievable. Wembley Arena. I know.

Newcastle Arena. Edinburgh Playhouse, beautiful venue. Glasgow be unbelievable. Wembley Arena. I know. Newcastle Arena. Edinburgh Playhouse, beautiful venue. Glasgow. All of them. Nottingham. London. Manchester.

We'll see you all very, very soon. We definitely, definitely, definitely, definitely will. Got an email here, right,

and it was entitled Worse Than A Hostel. So I had to click on it because we've been over hostels how we thought of this one. I always love hearing about a hostel. I know we've talked about it a lot. This isn't a hostel.

This is worse than a hostel. Right? Is there worse than a hostel? Well, it's good. Hi Rosie, Chris, Robin and Baby Rona. This will have been sent before Rafe was named and announced to the world.

Oh, I mean, it was definitely an option. Yeah, it was only a few letters off. I have been with my boyfriend for five years and thought I knew everything about him. But last week he told me something that shocked me. My boyfriend travelled Australia for a year when he was 18 with two friends.

They stayed in many hostels slash Airbnbs. But at one point in their travels, they were running really low on money and needed somewhere to stay. They found a really cheap one-bedroom flat to rent by the beach. But there was a problem. Right. There was still a man living there. Horrible.

So, one of his friends slept on the sofa bed in the bedroom. And his other friend, brackets, he's six foot tall, by the way, slept on two chairs pushed together to form a makeshift bed. My boyfriend got the short straw. Bath. And slept in the bed with the man who was still living there. No, he didn't. No, he didn't. No. No. No he didn't No he didn't No No How much do you want to see Australia

No Fucking watch Neighbours will you Honestly We've been it's lovely But it's not that nice Nowhere's that nice Nowhere is that nice Nowhere's that nice

That is What What No Slept in a bed with the man who was living there. Sleep on the floor. You're 18. You're still a child.

I'm sorry. Let us wire you some money. Please. Yes. My boyfriend shared a bed with a stranger every night for two weeks. No. No. No.

No. Rosie, No! No. Who is he? Listen to this. He's a murderer. He's a murderer. He's a paedophile murderer. Listen to this next sentence. They didn't even befriend the man because apparently he was a bit strange.

Oh, but, I mean... You're not even mates with him, but you're sleeping next to him. I can't... How old was this man? So fucking weird that's that's really dangerous we have we have sons 18 that's still young no i would not be okay with that i could honestly say i'd rather stay in the dirtiest hostel ever than have my and have my own bed than

sleep in the same bed as a strange man we are planning on returning to australia later in the year and i certainly won't be sharing a bed with anyone other than my boyfriend. He'll leave you in the middle of the night. He's clearly got a thing for it. You'll wake up and that fella will be in between you. That's so weird. Georgia, he found us. I don't know how, but he found us.

That is. I'd rather sleep on them chairs. I'd go home. I'd go home. I'd sleep rough. That's madness. That's utterly... I mean, do you not have a hallway?

Do you not have a bathroom? That's what I mean. Sleep on the floor. There must have been. Sleep in the kitchen. Oh, God. Where was the first one sleeping? On the sofa bed?

On the sofa bed, yeah. Well, sleep in there with him, you mate. Some sofa bed, apparently. Well, you're sleeping in the bed with the strange man. It must have been like one of them single futon things where you can only fit one person in. Oh, no, Chris. I'm sorry. A six-foot person on two... I mean, have only fit one person. Oh, no, Chris, I'm sorry.

A six-foot person on two... I mean, have a chair each and sleep on the chairs. No, I can't... Is that true? It must be. We've had weirder shit, that's been true. I just... Maybe...

Is it that weird? Two people... It's very weird to us. Yeah. But other people are like, oh, yeah, just like bunk with this guy just to sleep on you, doesn't matter. Some people are crazy, man. Oh bunk with this guy just to sleep on you doesn't matter people are crazy man

oh jeez I'm too old maybe I would have done that once upon a time maybe I don't know no oh no

please don't do don't if you're listening to this and you're 18 and you're going to go travelling don't do it please don't

like get in touch with us we will send you whoa whoa whoa fuck shut the I will send some money Rosie is del, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Fuck, shut the... I will send some money. Rosie is delirious. Rosie is delirious from a C-section.

Do not get in touch with us if you want to go travelling and get us to send you some money. Rosie, are you fucking crazy? No, they'd have to be travelling already in Dire Straits and having to share a bed. No, no.

We will not send you any money. Nothing. You will get nothing from us. I'll not sleep the night thinking about these 18-year-olds sharing beds with these horrible men. It's lockdown at the minute, you can't go there,

it doesn't matter. There's no one on holiday anywhere in the world. Right, well I'll rest tonight. Oh thank God, something good's come out with this. Fucking idiots,

stop offering people money. Jesus Christ. I just can't, it's horrible. Awful. That is Lelech. He is Lelech, that's him.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Well hey, bloody love that. Good to be back. Good back well hey bloody love that good to be back good to be back good to be back

loved it fist bump love it thanks so much for listening as always we are back we're going to be back every week now

you're not getting rid of her ever nah actually never never never never you oh she's forgotten a bit

there we go come on you have you you I'm talking to you you've been listening to Shagmar and Lloyd

which is now part of the Acast Creative Network we get paid for this shit now which is brilliant love it guys as always if you want to get in touch shagmarandloyde at gmail.com

thank you for listening we hope you're alright out there keep your chin up hopefully this fucking shit show will be over soon but until it is over we'll be back every week trying to cheer you up

thank you very much we love you and you don't have to be positive all the time because it's a bullshit. I mean, yeah. I mean, we've just whinged for an hour and a half and I've enjoyed it.

Yeah, me too. Bye. Bye. Bye. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.