Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 103. Bones

Episode Date: February 12, 2021

This week on the podcast Rosie welcomes you to Sunshine Land! There's a ankle update from Chris, some phantom baby crying, strange German trolling news and an appearance from Belinda Beef! QFTP's involve extravagant first dates and an office poll about mash, beans and jelly! Enjoy. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every post-season game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City

at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag My Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband. Although I say husband, I say it very loosely today because we just had an argument about three minutes ago. And to be honest, in those three minutes, I've been imagining my life with somebody else. And it was a welcome relief. Did yous have a podcast together? No, no, absolutely not.

That's where the happiness ensued. Yeah, why start a thing with your new lover that ruined the last love? Fucking hell. Again, it's that age-old thing of when we're getting ready for a podcast, you need cartwheels and screaming

and I need to just chill the fuck out and get ready to go. Boring. That is what you are. You're the podcast equivalent of fucking drunk aunties at weddings going,

get up and dance, man. Stop being boring. Come on. Come on, Matt Arena-son. Come on get up and dance, man. Stop being boring. Come on. Come on, Matt Arena's on. Come on, come and dance for your Auntie Jean. Fuck off, Auntie Jean. Break your hip again. I just want to have fun.

There's no fun left, Rosie. There's no fun left. Chris, don't bring your downness to the podcast, please. We're yet to... Downness? Oh, it's not? Oh, sorry. Let's go back through the episodes of the podcast

and find them few weeks where you were just pregnant and a twat and fucking you opened every episode with I'm fucking sick and I hate me life. I'm not anymore. Hey, hey, I was a bloody shoulder to cry on. I kept you going. You bloody, as soon as I'm down a bit,

you're like, oh, I can't be around this. You came down this morning, you were like, I can't, I'm not going to be around you today. You know what I'm saying? When the going gets tough yeah ah fuck off yeah

back to Rhodes there to be a singer fucking loser right how are you then guys thank you so much for listening look if you're happy

they're gone now they've left no one's listening anymore where they going where they going Rosie they've got no way to go man they've got no way to go they're literally

they're on the phone the child lines in get mammy and daddy to stop fighting well because they were kids yeah no guys honestly if you're up on

on cloud nine today well done for you if you're down in the dumps well done for you a lot of we are but you know we've got to crack on it is episode 103

thank you so much for continuing to like rate and subscribe love that you do that and before going any further, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Good.

This week's sponsor is... Yes. Eh? Yeah. It's topical. It is. Oh, great. Telling someone

who is clearly having an awful time and has probably lost work and really struggling with their mental health due to lockdown that you actually quite enjoy lockdown.

Oh, get in the bin. Get in the fucking sea. Read the room, you utter, utter piece of garbage. Oh, it's me. Is that actually your sponsor? That's the sponsor, yeah. Oh, have you, oh, you've not been at work for a year and you're a bit sad and you lost loads of income.

Oh, you know what? I've quite enjoyed lockdown. Fucking read the room, you prick! God damn you! If you're fucking loving lockdown, right, and you think it's great, that's absolutely fine. I'm jealous of you. Fucking well done.

But don't say it to someone who's just said they're having a shitter. That's me problem. I'm not saying, look, if you want to wear, if you love wearing a mask, wear a fucking mask. I saw people wearing masks well before this. It's read the room. It's when you speak to someone. I had friends at the beginning of it when all me saw people wearing masks well before this. It's read the room. It's when you speak to someone.

I had friends at the beginning of it when all me two eyes got pulled and everything went and I was like, it's good doing it. Just get like food delivered and that and I just sit in my house. It's mint.

I'm getting paid. Fuck yourself. Read the room. That's literally like me going, well, that's literally like me going to someone, oh, I've just broke my angle and them going,

I'm just going to FaceTime you so I can show you how fast I can run on the spot. Right, let's get to the root of your problem. I'm annoyed about my ankle. I'm annoyed about my ankle. That's what's brought us down more. Do you know why?

Because it's snowing and I can't even take Robin outside in the snow. He wanted us to take him out on his sled just here and I fucking couldn't. I had to literally let him go outside on his own and I stood and watched out the window while he sat on the sledge on my drive. Not moving. It's not a hill. It's not an incline. Bless him.

We'll spend that university money next week because he's not going to need that. Sat on flat ground trying to move on his sledge on his own. And it just reminded me of when I was an only child

and I had no one to play with and I was in the snow. Well, we've eradicated that issue. Yeah, we have. But you know, I just skidded Rafe out on the snow on his back. He didn't like it.

I wonder what them scratches were. No, we've got to the root of the problem I'm just annoyed about my uncle sorry everyone I'm just annoyed about my uncle it's hard

Chris it's hard times listen it's hard times and we've spent a good solid five minutes discussing the hard times is this your is this your catchphrase

you've had your pity party move on Chris how I'm not being funny though how do you get through life if you live in this state of constant sort of it's not healthy so I like to have a little moment I'm not being funny though. How do you get through life? If you live in this state of constant sort of,

it's not healthy. So I like to have a little moment because I think it is healthy to assess the situation and go, this is utterly shit. But you know what? I know it's utterly shit. But if I live in this world of utterly shit constantly, I won't get out of it. So I need to get out of it.

And yes, it is all sunshine and rainbows in me a bit. But it's all I can do to survive come and join us let me in that other I'm coming I'm coming where's my ladder come on

where's my ladder I'll climb up to the sunshine come on come and join us let's have a lovely time alright leave this here leave this here

leave this shit here you know what cheer me up a bloody good jingle I've got just the one for you fantastic it's wrote

by me yeah I didn't my friend Steph did it like she arranged it I've got just the one for you. Fantastic. It's wrote by me. My friend Steph did it. No, no, no. I've got to give credit where credit's due. Okay, here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. So this is the jingle.

We hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap Jingle! Hello and welcome back to Sunshine, Laughter, Happiness I've got a tan Days are here again Been in Sunshine Land for five minutes, I've got a tan This is Shagmar and Annoyed, me, Rosie Ramsey and Christopher Ramsey

Yes, do you know what it is? The jingle cheered us up and just getting it all out there in the first bit Mae hyn yn Shagmarionenoid, Mae'n Mae Rosie Ramsay a Christopher Ramsay. Ie, chi'n gwybod beth mae hynny? Mae'r jingle wedi'i gyflwyno i ni. Ac yn cael hynny i gyd allan yno yn y cyntaf, mae hynny wedi'i gyflwyno i ni. Rwy'n teimlo ychydig yn well. Pan fyddwn i'n barod â'r intro, roedd gen i ychydig o rant, roedd gen i ychydig o sgwrs. Rwy'n teimlo llawer gwell. Rwy'n ym Mhrydau Ysgol, rwy'n cael tan. Wylwch yn ymlaen, rwy'n cael tan. Cynnydd. Beth?

Dwi ddim yn cael tan ar fy ngwaelod llaw. Pwy? Oherwydd mae yna dŵr fawr yno oherwydd mi wnaethon i fynd i ffwrdd. Dwi'n siarad. Stop it. Stop it. I can walk on my boot now, which is good. I can walk around the house. You are, you do. Speedy Gonzales. It's very frustrating for

me personally because for the last three weeks or whatever when you did it, I did tell you every day it would get better. Longest three weeks of my life. You were adamant it was not ever going to... You thought that you were just going to have a broken ankle but it's typically like

got no real do you know what's making me happy I've started singing again I heard it in the shower yeah I heard it in the shower yesterday I thought you were in pain

but it turns out you're just no not when I can hear it so I've told you this before when I'm in another room and you just start belting out a show tune and I don't realise

it's about to happen and there's water running and there's stuff happening I do immediately fear the worst like a killer's about to happen and there's water running and there's stuff happening I do immediately feel the worst like a killer's just came in and you know attacked you in the shower

I can't sing quietly I've noticed I'm a proper belter I've noticed do you know what I was thinking yesterday actually you were singing away and I was in the kitchen

I could hear you and I was trying to do a bit of work and I was just like oh god and it was lovely I love you singing but you know

sometimes when you can't concentrate I just remember that scene you know in the Goonies where Sloth's tied to the chair and his brother's just going he's just fucking screaming in agony felt a lot like sloth i felt a lot like losing me shit. That's the worst thing anyone's ever said to us.

Really? We've got a good 40 minutes left yet, man. I'll see if I can raise the bar. I love the Goonies. I can't wait to show the boys the Goonies. It's going to be that thing where they'll think it's shite. They will think it's shite. They'll think it's absolutely shit.

Although, I think Robin would enjoy the bit, you know, when it's, what's he called Chunk Chunk and he's in the ice cream and he's explaining and then I went in there

and they're like that's really good that's the thing I think films that my dad said to me like oh these are amazing you're going to love this Godfather was the only one

I actually loved so we tried loads of movies and I was like fuck this but Godfather's the only one but it's a classic it is I put the gummy bears on for Robin's the only one but it's a classic it is I put the gummy bears

on for Robin yesterday not having it what's this bit of shit yeah he's really strange because the graphics are rubbish look what they watch

now man it's like back in the day when we used to go to my Nana's and she had a black and white telly and she'd put it on

and I'd be like I don't really want to watch this so we had a colour telly. Do you know what I mean? It's like, but it's the same thing, but it's in black and white. I'm worried that Robin and Rafe

might not like Marvel or Harry Potter. Then they'll not be getting in the door. Honestly, honestly, they can live in the shed. They're not going to like it, are they? They're going to just be like, I'm not keen on this. Well, the problem is, Robin's currently watching a thing on Disney+,

and it's like all of the superheroes. It's called Superhero Squad, and it's like a fucking mash-up of every Marvel one. Is he, though? Because this is all of them in one go. This is like Fantastic Four, the X-Men, the Avengers. They're all in one. Is he going to watch Marvel and be like,

why is Spider-Man not appearing until Captain America Civil War? I don't know. I think I'm going to have to argue with him. We'll see dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda.

Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. Mae'n dda. I'll report you for that I had a thought yesterday what would you do if they ever did a Real Housewives of like Newcastle

could I do it no why one we don't live in Newcastle we live in South Shields but they don't live in the place where it is

they live in the outskirts oh so there's even more lies in it fake bloody fake geography fake tits fake lips what's going on well they live like an hour

outside some of them but could I would you let us do it no definitely not. It'd be horrible. Why? I just think it'd be awful. I'm sure Paddy McGuinness' wife was on one series of Housewives of Cheshire.

No, she's still sometimes, isn't it? Oh, she's still on? Yeah. She's not a main one. I can't imagine Paddy being angry with that. Why? Just cameras around the house. Just raging.

No, they don't go to our house in that. Oh, okay. Yeah, it's not as intrusive. It's not as intrusive as what ours would be. I don't like it when you turn your Instagram camera onto me. Because what you love doing is getting fully dressed up. I know, when you come downstairs first, if you've had a shower and been fully dressed up,

I know I better either make myself scarce or go and do me hair, because I know there's going to be fucking cameras shoved in me face, because you're fine with it. Yeah. Selfish. To be honest,

I don't ever think we could do a reality programme. People say all the time, oh, it would be great we could do a reality programme people say all the time oh it would be great if you had a reality programme Robin is not well behaved enough for a reality programme

nah they'd keep all they'd keep meltdowns they'd keep all the shit in and he'd just look like a dick

would have a super nanny spin off she'd be knocking on the door yeah I always think about them kids in super nanny

bit harsh innit like what do they think of that now looking back you know so when the first series of super nanny happened how old innit? Like what do they think of that now looking back? You know? So when the first series of Super Nanny happened, how old will the oldest ones be now? Oh they'll be like 20s now.

Do you reckon? Yeah. Probably. I'd love to chat to one of them. I know it'd be interesting wouldn't it? Or do you think they'll find it funny? I don't know. I always feel worse for the parents though. Because it's always like, you know we watch dogs behaving badly the other day and they're literally like

the dog doesn't go on a full walk so we'll give him a cake halfway around and it's like are you fucking mad that was wonderful but it's always that innit it's always like I give my son

he has his bedtime Red Bull he has his bedtime Red Bull and then what's her name super nanny Jo fucking Jo Jo just won't sleep

he has his Red Bull midnight and then he's up at four. What am I doing wrong? I've got an idea and I'm not a nanny. Do you know what I mean?

I think it's the parents who'd be more ashamed than the kids. They're just being kids. You can't judge them though because this shit's hard. This shit is hard. Hard during lockdown.

Homeschooling. I've had enough now. I've had enough. I'm sorry. I don't know who I'm speaking for. Hey. Hard during lockdown. Homeschooling. I've had enough now. I've had enough. I'm sorry. I don't know who I'm speaking for. Hey, if you're nailing homeschooling, fucking well done. Nobody's nailing homeschooling.

Gizzer Ring, let us know how you're doing it. Unbelievable. I'm sick of it. Well, let's just take a moment to talk about how I have always said, this is even before I had children, people who homeschool, mental.

People do it, actually do it in life. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I remember saying to my mum when I was younger when I found out what it is I was like could I homeschool

my mum just laughed in my face she was like absolutely no chance never understood it never understood one how you got the patience two why

three why and why so yeah I've never understood it and I don't even I don't even have respect for them to be honest

I haven't now they're laughing now they want the people who homeschool their kids all the way through like from birth now it's like homeschooling they're like yeah

nothing's changed bitches yeah they're like yeah you want one of our worksheets fuck you no took the piss out of us just never understood it and you'd think now

that you'd go yeah people who homeschool honestly got all the respect in the world no I respect them less took the piss out of us. She never understood it. And you'd think now that you'd go, yeah, people who homeschool, honestly, got all the respect in the world. No, I respect them less because it's not, it's horrible. Why put yourself through that?

You're putting yourself in an early grave. Honestly, I've got grey hair. I'm getting grey hair off homeschooling. And just often being here all the time, just get this kid back.

I love him so much. That's the thing, right? That's the thing that people are, I wanted to address this. Yeah. Because you see people whinging about it online. People are going, back. I love him so much. That's the thing, right? That's the thing that people are, I wanted to address this. Yeah. Because you see people whinging about it online. People are going, I'm sick, oh, I'm schooling.

Children need to be at school. I think they do need to be at school. I can't wait until Rob needs to go back to school. He's missing out on so much. But there's a subsection of people going, oh, well, shouldn't have had kids then, should you?

No. And I'll tell you why you're fucking wrong. If you think that, if you're sitting there without kids and you're seeing these people wanting the kids back at school and seeing the kids are at home too much, or wrong and they shouldn't have had kids,

you're a fucking idiot, and I'll tell you why you're an idiot, right? Have you ever joined a gym? Imagine joining that gym, paying your membership, walking in, and they fucking put two handcuffs on you, handcuff you to a treadmill, turn it on full belt, and go, that's your life now. And you go, but I don't want to live on this treadmill. Shouldn't have joined a gym then should you

fucking prick I didn't know where you were going with that that's it I mean it was very aggressive I'm very aggressive but you got there I'm very aggressive

yeah no it's true it's I mean we actually so with Robin we can say that you can go I didn't think there'd be a pandemic

didn't think I'd be homeschooling a kid we had Rafe during a pandemic yeah yeah so that I mean we'll take the stick for that yeah but babies are just Netflix and shit pandemic. Didn't think I'd be homeschooling a kid. We had Rafe during a pandemic. Yeah, yeah. So that, I mean, we'll take the stick for that. Yeah, but babies are

just Netflix and shits. That's all they are. Yeah, true. You watch Netflix, your baby has a poo, you change it, you pull a bottle in his

mouth, you watch the rest of Netflix. We watched all of Making a Murderer when Robin was a baby. Oh, that was lovely. That was nice.

God, it was fantastic. I know. Because Robin, well, he was here, but the five-year-old him wasn't here. Yeah, the five-year-old him wasn't here.

But now the five-year-old him is here all the time. All the time. Doesn't go anywhere. But let's just take a moment as well, though. The absolute head fucker that is this pandemic and homeschooling and being home. When he's not here, because he goes to me mum's for a day so we can do this podcast. Feel bad. Miss him.

Feel bad. Miss him. Crazy. Crazy. What's going on? I don't know what's going on. I feel guilty when he's watching the telly I feel guilty when he's on the switch

I feel guilty when he's doing his homeschooling because I'm like this isn't good I'm not a teacher I shouldn't be telling you this and then yeah I feel bad when he goes to your mum's miss him

I miss him sometimes when he goes to bed it's it's crazy what have they done to us they've changed how are we going to go back to work properly

I'm going to have a breakdown you're joking aren't you you are joking aren't you you're You are joking, aren't you? You know that bag at the door? That's mine. That shit's packed. I am ready. The minute one show or anyone or gigs,

anyone rings, I'm gone. Honestly, they could ring us halfway through this podcast. My phone's on. I'll be off. That is so funny actually because we had a Zoom meeting with my management about the tour and things and we still have no idea what's happening with the tour

we're praying it's going ahead and that's how we're living life currently but we had a meeting and I remember when I was pregnant, when I first found out I was pregnant last year they were like how long are you taking off and I was like oh well I need time off like come on I'm having a baby I'm going to need you know like two months whatever

so Rafe's like four weeks old we were on the Zoom and I was like, just anything. I'll do anything, honestly. If there's anything that involves getting on a train, like, you'll be fine. Like, honestly, I know you're all working from home, but before your London office is open again, I'll go into the McLean.

I'll do anything. We are so desperate to get back to work. It's the most tragic thing ever. Oh, gosh. I haven't been out of the house for work in a year. Yeah. Lazy. It came up. Lazy. I have. Bloody little mix, Mr. Saturday Night.

I know you. So why are you... I should be more down than you. No, because I've had the taste of it. Right. I've had the taste of it now. It's just... I think it's just because we've had a kid as well. It's like, you just feel a bit raw. Do you know what I bit... We should probably stop this because not everyone listening is in our position. There'll be some people who are okay

listening to this going... Shouldn't have had a kid, Tanya. That's exactly the same. Here's another one for you. It's exactly the same as buying a barbecue. Taking the barbecue home, having your barbecue, then going, what's for tea?

Oh, barbecue again. Oh, what's for breakfast tomorrow? Barbecue again. What's for... Fucking eating it off forever. I don't want it. You shouldn't have bought a barbecue then! Fucking sick.

Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. I've never told you this, but just thought this might make you chuckle. Might not even make them the editor. Anything to make us chuckle. My brother. Yous don't know me brother. He's nothing like me. He's nothing like... He's more not like me

sister sounds exactly like barry beef sounds like barry beef yeah he might actually be barry beef but i don't know plaster he's just solid the earth lush he rang me last week and i haven't managed to tell you this he's like he's you know he's three day phone call i get a phone call from him how it says how you doing i'm keeping our day i miss you I miss you all this kind of stuff right that's exactly how it sounds and he told us

the most random stories like right I was asleep last night and I heard a baby and I thought

oh shit there's a baby outside so he got his clothes on right put his shoes on and that and he was roaming his street

for about 10 minutes trying to find a baby, right? And he's like, I'm so sorry. He went outside, looking, he was like, and then I couldn't hear the baby

and I'm thinking, what? I heard a baby, so he's looking around the streets, right? Three o'clock in the morning or whatever. Went back inside, said to his girlfriend,

he's like, I swear to God, I heard a kid, like I heard a baby outside. Would you need to ring the police? She was like, Kev, the people upstairs have just moved in and they've had a baby.

Fuck off. That's amazing. How did I not know this? I was saving it to tell you. Walking around the streets. Looking for a kid. Your brother is the gift that keeps on giving. That's incredible. I know. Just walk around and be here

baby, baby. Yeah baby. That's incredible. I know. Just walk around and be like, yeah, baby, baby. Yeah, baby. But the fact, it's just, why is that you're again now? He lives in a downstairs flat on a block of houses,

terrace houses. Yeah. Why would you assume the baby was outside? Well, because they live on the front, so their bedroom is on the front street.

Right, yeah, but then you've got to the right, to the left, and up is possible houses where there could be a baby chris do you think do you think he regressed to when he grew up in a house maybe and forgot forgot for a minute that he lived in a flat i mean how dressed was he how at what point of getting dressed did he not think

that might not be coming from outside fuck me went outside looking for him In the snow No it was last week But obviously it was You know winter In winter Looking for this kid I thought you were gonna

And this is your kid I thought you were gonna say That his girlfriend was like Oh I've just been watching a video on my phone And there was a baby on the video No no it was upstairs So they've got new neighbours And they've just had a baby

Wow Yeah Wow Nice one Kev Amazing Babadoo babadoo babadoo Speaking of babies So they've got new neighbours and they've just had a baby. Wow. Yeah. Wow. Nice one, Kev. Amazing. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Speaking of babies,

should we momentarily address the fact that last week in Germany we were hate figures? Are we going to talk about that? Should we momentarily address it? Let's address it because... It was just really strange. It was not a nice day. I've got a day of German trolling. So we both got a day of sort of broken English.

Some of it was fantastically impeccable. I'm not slagging off because, you know, if I was going to troll someone in German, I'd have to go on Google Translate, which some of them may have done. Just broken English abuse on Twitter and on Instagram. Because, do you want to tell the story? So when Rafe was born

the lady came to do his hearing test, the nurse came to do his hearing test in the hospital and handed me a little form and it basically says if there's any sort of, I don't even know how to say it because it's not like It was like if the top of the ear is slightly

misshapen, it covered everything from like no ear at all to a slightly misshapen ear and the handed ear. And it was that weird thing, wasn't it, where we both looked and were like, well, yeah, he hasn't got perfect. I mean, he is perfect. He's a beautiful baby,

but the top of his ear was a little bit pointed and a little bit different. You were allowed to look at your own brain yeah but it was just weird because we would never have done it if she hadn't handed the form and the only thought you go to guys you go to right when he's 15 or 14 if he comes in from school crying because he's being bullied about the ears that we apparently could have got sorted straight away and i say sorted it's like almost like a paper straw that they're kind of putting.

Describing what it is now. Yeah, so what they did was they put a little paper, almost tiny little paper straw underneath the curve of his ear and put a tiny bit of masking tape on it. And that was it. That's it.

It's because baby's cartilage in their ears is so, well that's why it's misshapen anyway because he was breech. So he must have just been proper uncomfortable. A little fold over ears. He just had a fall over yeah

so they do it this young stage nothing invasive there's no surgery nothing like that yeah and then they put a bit of tape on to tape it down

and it was on for a fortnight I basically said what we've just said on my Instagram stories and then I wasn't even going to mention it because there's lots of stuff happens in our family

that we don't mention especially our kids because yeah of course you know we don't like health things and that yeah because it's for their privacy

and stuff like that we're very aware of that but I had to mention it because you know he had full on masking tape on his ears and people would be like what's happened

you know Van Goff did it and all that shit so anyway I mentioned it and the the newspapers picked it up them lovely little papers some lovely papers and and said that we'd like they kept using the word they kept using the word yeah treatment and procedure they never explained what it was

they just said and then it was like a photo of ray for sleep going here's this here's their child asleep after the procedure after a woman stuck a bit of fucking masking tape on his ear. The doctor, by the way, not woman, just the actual doctor. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So then that got lost in translation there. And then a German, some kind of German magazine picked it up and that got lost in translation. And I don't speak German, but I imagine it was something like,

look at these two fucking pillocks from England getting cosmetic surgery on their baby's ear. On their one weekweek-old baby. Oh, the hate was real, man. Oh, my God. Unbelievable. Crazy, wasn't it? Yeah.

I've never been trolled in another language. It was a first. It was nice. It was good to know. So just in case anybody... We weren't even going to mention this again, but I cannot live in a world where people think that we would

let our one-week-old baby have cosmetic surgery on his ears. So, absolutely not. It was masking tape. Like, that was it. And to be honest, they look banging now. They look amazing. It has worked. It has worked.

It looks fantastic, yeah. Interestingly enough, this little segment is sponsored by Cosmetic Surgery for Babies. Get in touch. I'll sort yous out. I've got them booked in for his Botox next week. Yeah, good. You haven't even done it yet. You should probably...

That was the irony of the whole thing. All these people were like, can't believe you've got cosmetics. I was like, I have never had any cosmetic surgery in my entire life.

Why do you think I would bypass myself and give it to me one week old baby, you fucking morons. If anyone out there ever does actually get under the knife surgery on their week old baby, yeah, you troll them, I think. Absolutely.

But fucking fact check it first, please. Thank you. And guten tag. You go... Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care.

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your ticket to Rock City at torontorrock.com. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all.

No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year.

It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said the year the first omen in theaters friday get tickets now it's time for what's your beef hello chris oh hello hello chris

belinda yes listen i've had me injections right i've had two of them right so the door's open pet right has it okay put me nightly down when you're done oh I've had my injections. Right. I've had two of them. Right. So the door's open, pet.

Right. Has it? Okay. Pull me nightly down when you're done. Oh. All right. When did you get them done? Just last week. Right.

Thankfully, we'll have to wait three months, so. I might not be here, sunshine. Here's hoping. Love you, bye. What a slag. Pull me nightly down when you're done. That's the worst thing You've ever said Is it

That was horrible Is it weird that I can smell her When you do her Oh When you do her I can smell her I watched a video this morning Has she

On me phone Sorry Has she got a dressing going on No Why Belinda Just when you do Belinda And she's smoking

Has she always got a dressing going on Of course she has Yeah I thought so She lives in her dressing gown all day She's only got one of them. Just checking, just checking. She's only got one dressing gown? Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Oh, I bet it's fucking... It's lifting. Oh, I bet it walks to the fucking toilet on its own. Yeah. I watched a video of someone today and I could smell them. On the video.

What do you mean? Just, you know, when you see someone and you think, I can smell you. Yeah. I can smell what you smell like. True story.

It's fantastic. So I'm glad Belinda's still alive, to be honest, because, you know, she is. I don't know if that's factual, by the way. I'm sure you've got to wait

some time after the final jab. I don't know what it is. I don't watch the news. Chris, genuinely, it could all be over. We have stopped watching the news completely. People are probably listening to this now. All in the pub going,

why is he so upset? Was he, Chris? All at one of my gigs, looking at an empty stage going, what, where is he? Oh, he's just fucking locked himself in the house, assuming it's with his bad ankle. I miss the pub so much.

Yeah. Honestly. I miss the theatre. They've had no support either. They've had no help. Oh, no, no, no. Theatres were the first thing to shut and that was it. From the beginning.

Be nuts. Just like, no, no way. Back soon, hopefully. I'm feeling some positivity coming in. I've had a bit of a laugh. I'm feeling some positivity coming in. We'll be back soon. My beef with you.

Is it when I'm big, fat, miserable pig? Always. Got you. But my beef is that I'm big fat miserable pig always got ya but my beef with you this week is annoyingly I'm like have I said this before it's come up again

you like all of my things on Instagram thank you support of husband you don't watch them I haven't got time

busy stop it I just support you I just like that support you i go there's a post from her god great double click little heart but then i said yeah i said oh did you like that video and you go i didn't watch it and i said well you liked it well yeah but that was yesterday that was because i'd been putting robin to bed and i think since rave was born he feels like he's missing out so i sort of sit in his bed with him until he falls asleep and

i sit on my phone and i've obviously got it on silent because I'm not going to watch you fucking sit. Because he's going to sit up and go, what's that, Dad? So I've got it on silent. So I just quickly like this. But that's, why? Sorry, are you complaining that I'm giving you likes on Instagram? Are you fucking serious? I'm complaining.

Do you know how many people listening to this would die, literally throw themselves in front of a bus for me, Chris Ramsey, to like one of their shitty Instagram posts? Didn't think I'd get away with that. I was joking, guys. I'm joking. Karma, I've just hit myself in the teeth with my glass bottle.

The most disgusting thing you've ever said. No, I just, why like something when you haven't watched it? Why give me a hollow like? It's not hollow like, I do like you. I do like you. Yeah, but you don't know what I'm saying. I could put a video on going chris ramsey is awful he's keeping us here against me will please help and you'd like it well yeah and then if i like it they go ah it's obviously a joke he's liked it and then i keep you for longer not that i'd want to keep you fuck off go on doors open is it though where am i gonna go to go? I don't know.

Actually, where am I going to go? Where would I go? Do we split up now? Yeah. Genuinely, where would I go? Oh, God. Where would me and the kids go? Oh, actually, hang on.

Where would I go? I never understand that. When the woman leaves. When the woman leaves with the kids. I'm like, bitch, she's in the house. Get him out. I always just think, how has he pulled that off? Me too. When it's literally like, I don't mean sexist here, but when it's like, yeah, she's in the house. Get him out. I always just think, how has he pulled that off? Me too.

When it's literally like, I don't mean sexist here, but when it's like, yeah, so me and the kids left, I'm like, he's done everything. Yeah, me too. I've never understood that. Honestly, even, this is how much of a dick I am. Even if I was completely in the wrong, right? Let's say I've cheated on you with like 12 different blokes, right?

And a couple of lasses just for fun. On the first day of cheating us? Yeah. right in a couple of lasses just for fun on the first day of cheatmas yes

on the first day of cheatmas of cheatmas 12 blocks on the first day of cheatmas my wife was not shagging me

one travelling salesman one little plumber one brilliant joiner Three royal mail And a bloke who works in wicks One in bean and bargains One in And the man at the end of the street

Hey! Robin's head master. The surgeon who delivered Rafe. I don't know why, I just don't know why when you said 12, I was like, yeah, go on. Well, I've had a busy time. Anyway, yeah,

even if I had done that, stole all my money, everything, I'd still be like, get your bags. Wow. I mean, the stuff you're admitting to here

is this hypothetical stuff. It's amazing. I wonder if we could, get your bags. Wow. I mean, the stuff you're admitting to here, this hypothetical stuff, it's amazing. I wonder if we could play any of this. Can you imagine if we got divorced and in the court we had to play snippets of the podcast? Imagine how horrendous. It would be evidence. It would be. It probably would be.

Yeah. God. Oh, that would be horrible. But then, you know what would happen we'd listen it would be quite fun and we'd go oh i miss you yeah and then you'd forgive me for all my shagging and we'd live happily ever after okay and what do you think with me are we still on that section yes i love that we've done them yeah let we we had a skip my

first of all the fact that your beef can we just reiterate can we just summarise here that your beef

with me was that I like your Instagram posts without watching them without watching them

absolutely do you know what that's called it's called support it's called unconditional

support and love that's giving a present without a card that's ridiculous what kind of tosser likes the card you'd rather have so if I It's called unconditional support and love. That's giving a present without a card. That's ridiculous.

What kind of tosser likes the card? You'd rather have... So if I said to you, I've got your present, but I haven't got a card, you'd go, what? Doesn't matter. Well, now that we look after the environment and that, I'm a bit more like,

don't worry about the card. But back in the day, I used to take a lot of... I used to like a card. Really? I don't worry about it so much now. It was a bad analogy. I'm not good at analogies.

Terrible analogies. Right. I've done two amazing ones so far. Gym, barbecue, banging it out. I can't think of anything. The analogy game's up there today. Up there. Okay, it's like sex with a fake orgasm.

Okay, then. From you. No, no. Chris, I think you're broke. Oh, God. My beef with you. Yes. Now, I've got two beefs.

This is going to be like a goosebumps pick the next bit. Pick your end and thing. Pick your path. We've got one that's a little bit sort of lighthearted. You did it just before we started the podcast and I sort of quickly wrote it down. Or we've got one that is going to go a little bit deeper. But the one that's going to go

a bit deeper, I do, there is a massive chance it will backfire on us very soon. We're laughing now, but we're a bit on the verge-y relationship-wise. Okay, okay.

I mean, take that and run, press. Although I'm all right in the press. I'm just your wife. Chris Ramsey's wife. Chris Ramsey's wife. Can we just address that really quickly? If the press want to do a story involving me, right, just call us me.

Don't Chris Ramsey's wife us. If you're going to do it about me, at least call us by my actual name and not the fucking person I married I am just known as somebody's other half you know what you should do get the fuck off these coattails bitch I'm sick of the coattails

my beef with you this week is you straight in you never wear that Chris Ramsey's wife name badge that I bought you ever you never wear it around the house. You never wear it at the shops.

Sick of it. Good bloody money I paid for that. It's just sad because it's ruining the fact that I used to you know, like being married to you

and now I'm just it's all I am. Wow. Oh my God. Apparently it's all I am. It's all I am. Right. Come on.

I'll go. Do you know what it is? Yeah. Lay it on us. Lay it on you. Howie. My beef with you. That's cool. am. Right, come on. I'll go. Do you know what it is? Yeah. Lay it on us. Lay it on you. Howie. My beef with you. That's cool.

Gloves are off. Sleaze are all up. My beef with you this week, and I may get proved wrong tonight, but my beef with you this week is you are constantly banging on about how hard it is being up all night with Rafe, but you will not let me do the night shift

because you're just claiming that I can't do it. Yeah. And I've said to you, I'm going to come come downstairs i'll have the telly on i'll have everything set out and you are saying no it has to be done in the bedroom and i'm like but i'm not gonna do it full time i'm just gonna give you a night where you can have a full night's sleep i want to do it downstairs but you've got this thing where you're telling us you're knackered and that i need to do it and then i say okay i'll do it but you go but you can't do it and it's like this weird catch 22 that I'm in where you're telling us that I need to sort the thing out

but you won't let us sort the thing out hang on a minute your beef is invalid because you are doing it tonight your beef is invalid you bitch take back your beef that's a t-shirt that your beef is invalid trademark you are doing it tonight but all I'm saying is That's a t-shirt that your beef is invalid. It's very good. Trademark. All right. Got you.

You are doing it tonight, but all I'm saying is it's horrible and I don't think you'll be able to cope because you don't have very good coping skills. And we've learned this. That is true. We've learned this. And you know when your coping skills are even worse? When?

When you're tired. And you're going to be really tired. I thought this was going to backfire tonight. It's backfired almost immediately. That's all I'm saying. And it's really hard and you know what it takes every ounce

of your everything to not get like upset right but there's you know when you're

really tired and the baby and it's really hard there's the difference you put him down and then you lie down and the reason you're getting upset

is because he's like waking you up like Guantanamo be sleep deprived because the you let them drift off and then you wake down and the reason you're getting upset is because he's like waking you up like Guantanamo Bay sleep deprived because you let them drift off and then you wake them up. That's how the torture works.

That's how sleep deprivation works. You don't just keep them up. You let them drift off and then you wake them up. I saw it on an issue. So you're just going to stay awake all night? Pulling all nighter, baby.

Pulling all nighter. Coffee machine on, might order a pizza. If you hear the door going at one in the morning, it's a pizza, right? Going all nighter, might start the Mandalorian again

so how long are you gonna sleep the next day all day no this is not no this isn't fair Rosie

no honestly I'm in utopia absolutely sorted because I sleep through the days and all the homeschooling and all the depression I can sleep through

all that and then at night I'm up and I can watch what I want on the telly I can't keep Robin quiet all day you've got till like

11 o'clock and that's it would you accept that if I slept in the motorhome yeah I could keep him out of there that'd be days although could I where's dad he's just sleeping in the motorhome

no well why would you do that why would you do that you fucking dick just crumpling straight away he's at work he's gone

he's out he knows he knows you're not allowed to put up work in a minute do you know i literally actively make sure he goes nowhere near when you if he wants to go upstairs when you're asleep i'm like no the amount of times you're like i couldn't stop him chris he's five what do you mean you couldn't stop him did he overpower you yes i only sleep into like 10 11

at the latest that's all you're getting tomorrow jokes Jokes aside, I'm really proud of you. You're doing really well and I wish I could have helped more because of my bad foot. But I'll be back on it shortly. Okay. Well, you're doing it tonight, aren't you? Okay.

Are you joking? Now that I know I can't sleep all day tomorrow, I'm not that bothered. No, you can't sleep all day tomorrow. I'll sleep seven till seven. Tomorrow? Yeah. Slack 12 hours.

Go to sleep when it's dark wake up when it's dark this is the worst thing ever i'll just do it again i'm fine i'm fine i'm fine here's something for you instagram again apologies because it's all it's all i do now um do you know how my insta stories usually depict is that the right word about three and a half minutes of my day yeah yeah yeah three and a half minutes of my day. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Three and a half minutes of my day and then possibly a post every day. So you're seeing the tiniest part of my life, really. Somebody messaged yesterday

saying, does Chris ever hold that baby? Oh my god. Oh my god. Do you know the other 23 hours and 57 minutes fuck me

people are crazy man I know what's wrong with everyone I don't know it's madness so unfortunately we are displaying

this is why we couldn't do a reality show because people would be like eh damn I don't want this yeah so you even if you put like

10 frames up that would only be 150 seconds that's it would only be 150 seconds. Mm-hmm. That's it. And so for 150 seconds of the day, they don't see me holding them, and they're like,

oh, he's a pig! Chauvinist pig! Worst dad ever! Does Chris ever hold that baby? Hey, if you're listening, go fuck yourself. Honestly, our message about Gordon no he doesn't

I bet you did Dawn because I bet you did you would do that and they won't know you're joking man the police will turn up he does

nothing to help me in this house he sits on his backside babadoo babadoo babadoo it's time for

questions from the public and the cues from the pews public I'm Oof I'm Oof that's the crown in it it's time for questions from the public and the cues from the pews public I'm Oof I'm Oof that's the crown innit that's all I can say I'm Oof

hello I'm Oof guys as always if you want to get in touch it's shagmireinord at gmail.com send us whatever you bloody like please so amazing

that you're still sending stuff thank you thank you thank you thank you they keep flying in pouring in we'll love it

cheers isn't it? Isn't it great? So amazing. I genuinely really enjoy doing this podcast. I know we've been slightly passive-aggressive today. I'm whinging, but this is my therapy. Yeah.

If I go on stage and I do an angry rant about something, I'm not fuming. I'm enjoying it. It's the process of doing it. Do you know what I mean? I'm going to sound like such a gushy bugger, but podcasts are great. They've been getting me through the knife feeds at can we, I'm going to sound like such a gushy, a gushy bugger, but podcasts are great, you know.

They've been getting me through the night feeds at the minute. I'm listening to loads. Can't listen to me true crime ones during the night though. No?

I get a bit scared. Rosie, you made me, no word of a lie, you made me watch a bit of the thing of your day on Netflix. What was it? The Night Stalker.

The Night Stalker on Netflix. I was in the shower. I know. And then we watched a bit of the Night Stalker and went upstairs and watched a bit more of it and you blimmin'

squeezed all your tit juice into a cup and you went, will you go and... I'm not a scientist. You squeezed your tit juice into a cup and you went, will you go and put this tit juice in the fridge, please? And I had to come back downstairs after watching the fucking... I know. The Night Ripper or whatever it was,

The Night Crawler, The Night Stalker. I love it, you know, but it terrifies us. Absolutely horrible. I'm not going to watch any more of that well I haven't I haven't been listening to true crime during the night

I forgot to listen to something a bit more upbeat that's the problem right with these true crime things I don't watch horror films I still haven't seen It no me neither what I do is

I watch Babadook and It were the two that I really wanted to see because I watched the trailer and I was like oh they look really good but I can't watch them because I get too scared

and I live in my own head afterwards I like imagination runs wild but you can watch one of them and go watched the trailer and I was like, oh, they look really good. But I can't watch them because I get too scared and I live in my own head afterwards. I like, my imagination runs wild. But you can watch one of them and go, ah, it's bullshit. That'll never happen.

But you watch one of them and you go, that'll never, oh, hold on. No, they weren't actors. They were real people. Oh yeah, that was a serial killer. Yeah.

What you've got to remember though, that was in the 80s. A lot of people didn't lock the doors in that. Slept with the windows open and stuff like that. So I think we're okay now. Yeah.

We were talking about this. There's not many serial killers nowadays. Don't jinx it. Don't jinx it. Fawzi, stop it. This podcast's got weird fucking voodoo magic. One of my sponsors was staying in. We're fucking staying in for a year.

Okay. What, do you think we're going to get killed by a serial killer? No, there'll probably be like 10 serial killers start. And they'll get an interview. And they'll go, oh yeah, we're listening to this killed by a serial killer no they'll probably be like you know they'll be like 10 serial killer star and they'll be in get an interview and they'll go oh yeah we'll listen to this podcast and they said they weren't

serial killers so we thought oh we'll prove them wrong just be our look just be our bloody look well done well done keep your fucking mouth shut

blood on your hands blood on your hands okay got a question here hey Chris and Rosie I took a poll in the office there in speech marks I don a poll in the office.

They're in speech marks. I don't work in an office, and I didn't make an official poll. I just asked everyone within my workplace. That's kind of what they are, anyway. So, yeah. I don't imagine people properly... I mean, some people might with a little bar and gate. Either way, as long as you've asked everyone, happy days. Yeah.

My question is, and I didn't expect this. Okay. Do you chew your mash beans or jelly? I make my mash as smooth as possible. I don't like lumps. You're talking about mash material. Yeah. So I don't see the point in chewing it.

I just kind of squish it to the roof of my mouth and swallow. Same with jelly. However, beans, brackets, now this is strictly beans on their own, not a fork full of beans and something else, just beans. I can't stand the texture in the middle of beans, but I enjoy the taste, so I swallow them whole. Oh.

Okay, that's not going to be good for your digestive system. It's so fucking weird. However, everyone in my work is adamant that they chew all three. Oh, wow. What is... The way they're putting this, I don't know if it's a man or a woman,

but the way they're putting it, everyone in my work is adamant that they chew all three and some of them are fucking lying. It's so funny, isn't it, when your friends are like,

got to work today, oh, I'm swamped, swamped. All they do is shit like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These normal folk who go out to work, they do fuck all. Stop being jealous of people who get leave at house. I know, I'm soed. All they do is shit like this. Yeah, yeah, yeah. These normal folk who go out to work, they do fuck all. Stop being jealous of people who get leave their hands for a seat. I know, I'm so jealous. I used to do stuff like this

back in the day when I used to. So she, he or she, I've got feelings for she, I don't know why. He or she has a fork full of beans and swallows the beans like vitamin tablets. Like paracetamol. They're soft, man. I'm sure when I have beans,

a couple of rogue full ones get through. Do you know what I mean? You don't think you chew every single bean? No, I do. He keeps swearing. I'm so sorry. Sorry, mom. Sorry, nana.

Tis the season. I'll get texts. Not dad, because he doesn't listen. Thanks, dad. Thanks for all your support. My mom and dad don't listen either. Fuck you too. Yeah.

So, do you... So, he or she just doesn't chew beans at all, but likes the taste of them. Now this is going to annoy you. So you know how I was a spoiled child and my mum used to sieve me bolognese. Yeah. Do you know sometimes she used to sieve beans for us? So I've got just the juice because I didn't like the beans. I don't know what.

Is that a joke? No, seriously. She used to sieve beans because I just liked the tomato sauce that the beans came in, but I didn't like the beans. I'm sorry. What's the point? So if I was having turkey jettas and potato waffles and, you know... Bean sauce. Bean sauce, I'd just get some bean sauce in the side rather than the actual...

So what, she would just squash the beans and sieve them? No, she would just put them in a sieve so the sauce just came through. You know, sometimes you do beans in the pan or whatever, and there's lots of sauce so you know I'd get the beans ew that's the most

ridiculous thing ever and then she used to sometimes it would be spaghetti hoops instead but I was like the sauce isn't the same ma'am

it just wasn't the same it wasn't the same as the bean sauce so there you go so you got all your roughage yeah I've told you before no wonder you looked dead when I met you.

I've told you before, I don't know how I'm still alive. I know. Shit I ate. Well, I remember when I first met you, you were just pale all the time. Yeah. Do you remember? I was like, you are pasty as out. I remember the first time you told me that. That was nice. Yeah. Just when you looked me in the eyes and said you are pasty as out, you like.

By the way. I agree with the mashed potato. I don't think I chew mashed potato. I don't think you can chew mashed potato. You can't chew jelly either, can you? No. I love mashed potato. Even mashed potato are lumps.

You can just hush it down. Hush it down. Hush it down. My diet when I was a kid was atrocious. No food. Literally no food. No veg. I don't know if I've talked about this before.

My packed lunches at school was bread and butter and then like a cheese string and then probably a vanilla yogurt and a chocolate bar and a pack of crisps. Wow. You lucky. We were not allowed to leave the table until my brother had ate all his broccoli.

Nah, never ate broccoli. Honestly, can you imagine telling a nine year old that you I was not allowed to leave the table until my brother had ate all his broccoli. Nah, never ate broccoli. Honestly, can you imagine telling a nine-year-old that I was not allowed to leave the table until my brother had ate all his vegetables and he hated vegetables.

So we'd all be sat there around the table and like my dad as well, come on, Kev. How are you, Kev? Come on, eat them up. And me and Kev would be like,

Kev, please. Kev, come on. Please, I've got, I want to, please. We're going to play Dream Pool. You don't know what it's like. Kev, come on, eat your I've got, I want it. Please. We're going to play Dream Pool. Kev, come on. Eat your broccoli. No, Nat, you do not know what it's like to be a kid who doesn't like it. It's like at the back of your mouth it makes you gag and stuff.

Christopher. What? I think you'll find. I absolutely know what that's like. Disgusting. We all know what that's like. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hi, Rosie and Chris. Please can you settle something for me and my boyfriend? Always. When I load and unload the dishwasher, I fully unload the clean stuff before putting in the dirty stuff.

Obviously. My boyfriend unloads one half, brackets, the bottom drawer, and leaves the clean glasses slash mugs in the top, loads the bottom half with dirty stuff, then shuts it again. Please confirm to my boyfriend that this is quite clearly wrong okay okay right okay i have thought about doing this before what i have what i thought about doing this before but i now no now i go from the top down he's going from the bottom up right first of all you've got to go from the bottom up it's wrong why because otherwise if you're taking cups

and stuff if you've got like a mug or something and you turn it upside down the dishwasher water from the mug's gonna fall down on the clean stuff that you've just doesn't matter it's just water in it well no

but you've just cleaned it you want them to be clean so you on the bottom take the plates and stuff out I go top to bottom this is horrible no

you know no tell me brain works is that why sometimes I get a plate out and it's fucking it's wet or a bowl

and there'll be liquid in me bowl maybe that's just awful so he but he that's I mean that's madness what he's fucking, it's wet. Or a bowl. And there'll be liquid in me bowl. Maybe. That's just awful. So he, but he, that's, I mean, that's madness what he's doing.

What if there's like bits of curry and rice on and you're flicking stuff around? What if you end up with a little bit of tikka masala in your mug? I really don't think it's the end of the world. At least he's doing it. So then he just puts the dirty stuff in and then he'll obviously

empty the top bit. Yeah. He's doing your system right. But that, for me, that's easily, that's an easy fuck up waiting to happen that's our

I momentarily took a phone call and now there's a fucking plate with chilli con carne in the cupboard right okay but let's just clarify you are one of them people where that would ruin your day we had beans on

we had beans and sausages on toast just for lunch right you talk about beans a lot we had beans and sausages for our toast we're doing just in case anyone wants to know we're doing well we had beans and sausages Branson was it in case anyone wants to know we're doing well we had beans and sausages

Brampton was it a tin each? no it wasn't shared one it was half a tin between two slices of bread anyway I put the beans and sausages

in the microwave maniac and I hadn't put a bit of kitchen roll over you honestly you could hear it sizzling you open it you went

what? you haven't covered this? she didn't cover this guys she didn't cover there was a bowl of beans and sausages right in the microwave

right just spinning round little beans just exploding everywhere bean juice all over the top of the fucking microwave my mum's gonna come round spoon that up for us later

for me supper honestly I could hear them popping and I thought why have you not covered this like a fucking like a little bowl of hand grenades but your reaction

was the most ridiculous thing ever. Unnecessary bit. Well, not covering them was ridiculous, in my opinion. You should have covered them. Sometimes I do kitchen roll and a plate, just so you know. Then they don't heat up. They don't heat up? What do you mean? What do you think, it's a plate made of fucking

lead? They do heat up. It takes longer. It doesn't. Hear it. Hear them bubbling away. I haven't got very good microwave etiquette I'm not going to lie I'm not sure what you're allowed to put in and what you're not it's always just a bit

of a guessing game great absolutely great it's the same as the toaster I don't know why but I know you're not meant to but when I've got something in the toaster

I just want to stick my knife in that's just I do that's worrying I do is that what lockdown's done to you

no this has been forever just want to stick my knife in but i'm like i know that i'm not meant to do that yeah because i think i've seen a video when i was little yeah of the you know when the fireman used to come what do you mean you don't know what goes in a microwave what do you mean like are you can you put tinfoil in no right okay well there you go thank you that's like but you can put cling film in. That's the first thing you get. Yes, you can put cling film in. But you can't put metal in.

No. But can you put glass in? Yes. Right. Plastic. Yes. Yes. Not all plastic though.

Some. Right. I'm sorry. This is where the line gets crossed. Oh my God. The rule is, right, don't put fucking metal in and anything else that you're going to put in,

make sure it's microwave safe. Right, okay. This is like one-on-one. This is what your mom tells you the first time you're fucking doing soup and you're like, eight. I don't listen. I don't listen. There it is. So it's just been, I've made it this far.

Let's put it that way. Just ridiculous. I've just made it this far. Just ridiculous. So you're telling me, right, back to this guy. So if this guy takes a phone call while he's doing this, he's got his stupid system where he takes the clean stuff out and puts the dirty stuff in before he's finished

with taking all the clean stuff out. If he somehow gets mixed up and puts like a plate into the cupboard with like a big bit of ketchup on the corner, you know, and some rice left over or whatever, and you get a plate out, if you got a plate out to go and make yourself some food, and there was like week old fucking ketchup and shit all over the plate, that wouldn't ruin your day happens all the time have you seen our knife

drawer good god there's always bits of crud on our knives and forks always doesn't ruin me did you want to do i put it back in the dishwasher oh the dishwasher oh i just scrape it off do you not just scrape it off no i'll put it i'll wash it i'll clean it yeah oh she's got another bit here that's. So, she's got another bit here. That's from Kath. She's got another bit here. Come on. P.S.

When you were talking about sharing towels, it reminds me of when I was about 10. Remember when we talked about sharing towels? Yeah, ages ago. Which, weirdly, we've started doing. Do you know why, though? Isn't that terrible? Well, because we don't know our horse

from our elbow at the minute. Yeah. So, we are sharing towels left, right and centre. It's crazy. I go, whose towel is this? Does it smell like shit or damp

no I'll have it bad innit we've become what we hate do you remember last week I had pizza roll over it oh yeah yeah yeah I ended up using that

for another three days that was a what I did yeah right I just didn't use the bit with the pizza roll we were in

Rosie's little dressing room thing the other day and Rosie went why is me towel on the floor? And she picked the towel up and went, oh, that's right. I dropped pizza on it, which is just a ridiculous sentence for a grown-up to drop pizza on the towel. And then, well, I thought you'd put it in the washer.

You'd use that towel for another few days. Well, luckily, the bit of the pizza dropping was on the bit that you took in, so it was kind of on the outskirts of the towel. It wasn't in the drying bit, so I just avoided it was kind of on the outskirts of the towel. Wasn't in the drying bit. So I just avoided it and managed to get another three days. Wow. Actually, that's pretty good.

And can I also say as well, the amount of little flakes of chocolate I'm finding on our baby. Right? Yeah. You know what you're doing? The amount of chocolate I'm finding on our son. He's like, got a little onesie on.

And I look and there's a chocolate stain on the onesie. And I'm like, you don't need chocolate. Oh no, your mom's been troughing chocolate cornflake cakes over your sleeping body, son. And just fucking raining down the shards of chocolate on you. Chris, I thought he had a mole. I thought he had a mole. I thought he had a mole in the crease of his neck and I was like, he?

That's fucking terrible. That you want locked up. This is the one. I'm making note of it. For the divorce in the court, this is the one I'm making note of it for the divorce in the court this is the episode this is the fucking episode

that wins me that divorce what do you want the kids full time do you actually no let's delete this episode let's delete this episode

poor kids anyway PS when you are talking about sharing towels it reminds me of when I was about 10 and innocently used a flannel off the towel reel. I was then asked by my dad

who had used his special flannel, to which I quite adamantly replied it was me. Special flannel? Well, my dad had been recovering from an operation where he couldn't get his leg wet. I'd been washing my face with it and my dad had been washing his entire body with it.

Ew. Ew. Dad. Dad washing up. Honestly, I've said it before. Don't trust a flannel. Nah. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Dear Chris and Rosie, knowing how much you love a good first date story, I thought I'd tell you about mine.

After separating from my husband, I decided to go on a dating site. Brackets not Tinder. Exclamation mark. Fair tinder exclamation mark fair enough we'll get you we'll get you quite quickly brackets because i'm a catch lol i started chatting to this guy after a couple of days of talking he decided he would like to meet up and wanted to come and see me at the weekend nice can i just put in there on dating sites you don't have to be a catch for people to talk to you i'm not trying to downplay it you might be the absolute fittest lass in the world but Can I just put in there, on dating sites, you don't have to be a catch for people to talk to you. I'm not trying to downplay it. She might be the absolute fittest lass in the world, but they're very, they just talk to anybody.

Wow. Yeah. Well, that's really nice of you to drop this in on this. Really nice of you to interject with that. There's some awful people on dating sites. All right, but really, I mean, you genuine piece of shit. What? Just wanted to, just overheard you there from the other table.

Anyone will chat you on dating sites, just so you know. Oh no, I'm a troll. You've trolled. I'm a troll. You've trolled this person in real life. I'm sorry. And then you know what happens?

And then when she gets upset, you go, you say the age old, I'm just being honest. I'm just throwing in you. Just being honest. I'm just saying what's on my mind. Oh no, what's happened? They've turned us. I'm so sorry. Okay. You're a queen. Don what's on your mind I know what's happened they've turned us

I'm so sorry okay you're a queen don't talk to anyone right I'm surprised they even taught you they must have been

so intimidated by how gorgeous you are they've got a fixture thank you sorry about that dickhead one of the questions he asked me was

is there a local airfield near you as I have my own plane I would like to fly you to the isle of butte for lunch bullshit right utter bullshit why do you think it's bullshit because i'm who what man with a plane is on a dating site what wow really so you think having a plane means you'll never be single. Yes. Yes. That's weird.

That's exactly what I think. I didn't imagine you would come down on this side of it. I thought when I read this out, you'd be like, oh, what a wanker he is. But you're like, no, he's got to be lying. He can't have a plane and be single.

Chris, have you ever heard of catfishing? Yeah. Do not believe what anyone says until you see it in the flesh. Until she's picked up on that plane, I wouldn't even get ready. I'd be like, text us when you're there, us a picture then i'll get ready how are you then no carry on at this point i hadn't told him my ex was an airline captain and didn't want to burst his bubble as he was obviously trying to impress me so i kept it quiet and went along with it we agreed to meet on

saturday weather permitting the morning arrived and it was looking promising albeit a tad breezy as it usually is in the west of Scotland I arrived to find not the biggles type I'd imagine now I've had to google what biggles is and it's basically that you know leather helmet got leather hat thing goggles tash and white yes you know like aviator kind of style yeah not the biggles type I'd imagine but I thought well I'm now, so in for a penny. Right, I'm guessing he's not that fit then. Is that what she's after? Is that what she's

trying to get at here? I think she thought like Prince Philip was going to turn up in a plane. So we wouldn't be driving it. It would be like 747.

How many days around the world? We've done this before. Depends how you're travelling. No, what's the story? How many days around? How long is a piece of string? Right, okay.

Chitty, Chitty, Bang, Bang. Right, okay. Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Right, okay. I think she was expecting the grander or him from Chitty Chitty Bang Bang. Dick Van Dyke. I don't know where

we're going with this anyway. Well, basically, I don't know, she says it wasn't what she imagined but in for a penny so she's going for it.

I managed to, this is, this is one of the most backhanded under, like, snide things I think I've ever heard anyone say. Okay.

I managed to clamber into the very snug cockpit. She's slagging off, he's playing. Fuck. How hard is this person to impress? Wow. Cockpit's a bit snug. Imagine that. Imagine your date turns up in his plane

and you're like, it's small. Yeah. Some people, you just can't impress them. Well, at least he has. At least he's gone on his plane though I've been proved wrong

yeah but she used to go out with a captain though well I think that's the point do you know what I mean yeah an airline captain she's like my ex

yeah planed a Boeing 777 planed a Boeing do you mean piloted oh yeah I couldn't say drove could I hello ladies and Ellen

I'll be your planer for this evening we'll be planing at approximately 45,000 feet and planing on over to the

Isle of Magaluf at about 1700 hours a week and during the planing don't forget to I hate you I managed to clamber into the very snug cockpit,

fucking slam dunk, put my headphones on and we set off. No sooner were we at cruising altitude than he proceeded to tell me that his flying buddy had crashed his plane coming out of Butte, killing his father-in-law and giving himself 40 degree burns. What?

Hell of a fucking chat there. So they're going to this island and straight away, they're on their way to the island while they're in the air. He goes, oh, by the way, my mate crashed on this exact flight the other day, killing his father-in-law and giving himself 40 degree burns. So that's a good start to the date. Excited. Can't wait for landing.

That's literally like about to have sex with someone and tell them about your STI. Yeah. That's the plain version of that. Just to let you know, love, I am fucking riddled. But you're happy to go ahead, yeah? We're in, yeah?

We're in. I'm in. He reassured me that he'd done this route hundreds of times and that I had nothing to worry about. Thankfully, we landed okay

and went into Butte for a pub lunch. I hope I'm saying that right. Bute or Bute, whatever. I think it's actually... Bute. Bute. Probably I.

After the lunch, he said, Would you like to see the crash site? Of his friend? Yeah. Well, what girl would say no to that moment of happiness? After seeing the burnt out hedge and the field, we headed back to his plane and took off. Heart in mouth.

Now, I have a sick sense of humour, and halfway back I made a point of looking out of the side window next to me. Then I said in a very worried voice, Is there supposed to be smoke coming out of this wing? He looked panicked and said, What? I said there's black smoke pouring out of this wing, is that normal? The look of fear on his face was priceless and he started to try

and unbuckle himself from his seat to get a better look. At this point I laughed and said I'm only joking. She's a maniac. Gee whiz. Wow. To get his own back. You're going to do that when your ex is flying on his easy jet? Eh? To get his own back,

he took the plane into a nosedive and my stomach did a few flips. That'll teach you, he said. With only a few minutes to landing, brackets, I could see the field, I could feel the nausea starting to build. We were on the descent and I couldn't hold it any longer

and grabbed the smallest sick bag you have ever seen in your life and started to throw up in the wind. This is horrible. This is absolutely awful. hold it any longer and grabbed the smallest sick bag you have ever seen in your life and started to throw up in the wind. This is horrible. This is absolutely awful. I started reading it and it was like,

I was on a date inside and he's going to pick us up and he's playing. And I was going out with a captain so I'm like, this is going to be the most luxurious

fucking shit show from start to finish. I'm thinking she's landed on our feet. Yeah, this is horrible. They sound horrible. He lands the plane and I'm still honking love that honking up now local airfields are basically just a farmer's bit of land so they are not smooth like a proper runway in fact the total opposite so that when he touches

down the sick in the bag starts flying up into my face. So that by the time we come to a standstill, I am dripping in my own vomit. Oh, my word. I drag myself out of the plane and head to the nearest toilet, relieved that I, one, I am on solid ground,

and two, he won't be asking for a kiss. Well, I was wrong. He did want a kiss. Ah! Well, I was wrong. He did want a kiss. Hey, how are the other half, Libby?

Look at these guys. Is that it? Unbelievable, eh? That's disgusting. Actually. She never contacted him again and the moral of the story is don't be a cocky twatter into the mercy of a man in a tiny plane.

Still call his plane tiny. Wow. Bitch. Don't get in people's planes. That's really dangerous actually. The more I think

about that. Right. She could have been mincemeat. What, just her? Well, he might have

woke up one day and thought, do you know what? I don't want to be here anymore and I'm sick and I want to kill someone.

And he could have got her and then that's his sick joke. Got you. He needed to be here anymore and I'm sick and I want to kill someone and he could have got her and then that's his sick joke got you right okay it needed to be someone new yeah yeah I mean

but you could think about anything don't get anyone's car don't get in the back of anyone's moped don't walk along the street with anyone but come

I mean the plane's a bit more in it you can jump out of a car you would jump out of a car you would jump out of a car I've thought this in my head a lot of times right if I was in a car? You would jump out of a car? I've thought this in my head a lot of times. Right. If I was in a car with the attacker.

With the attacker. If the door was open, I would kamikaze roll out that car. In what scenario are they attacking you? Are they going to drive into something? Yeah. And they're telling you... Or they've got a gun or a knife or anything. I would...

Unless... Do you remember Bones, the film? Yes. When they try and open the lock and it's like all pointy? No. The killer in Bones, the lock that you tried to open in the back of the car, he's cut that off and he's made it into a

point so when you try and do it, it cuts your fingers. You know, remember that part that stuck with me? I've never seen Bones. I don't know what Bones is. You've never seen Bones? No, what's Bones? Is it called Bones? It stuck with me. I've never seen Bones. I don't know what Bones is. You've never seen Bones? No, what's Bones? Is it called Bones? Brilliant. Fuck you.

Brilliant. Oh my God. What the fuck? Guys, just see what I live with. You've never seen Bones, shock. Is it called Bones? In the next breath. Oh, the bone collector. Fuck me.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. in the next breath. Oh, the bone collector. Fuck me. Thank you once again for listening to this week's episode of Shag My Annoyed, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Do you know what? I am a different little boy than I was at the beginning.

I'm really happy now. This has really, really helped. Guys, thank you so, so much for listening. It's so bloody good to be back. You're worth therapy. Yeah, you are genuinely our therapy. Hope you're all all right.

Hope you're all hanging in. Please send whatever you want to shagmardenoid, not whatever you want, at shagmardenoid at gmail.com and we will be back in your ears next week.

Hang in there. Bloody love you. See you soon. Take care. Love you. Bye. Bye. Rock City, you're the best fans

in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats

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