Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 104. Flock of Lasagne

Episode Date: February 19, 2021

On the podcast this week Chris shares why he think's his wardrobe is effecting his mood and Rosie reveals why she made a certain purchase in the week. They discuss Rosie's Jaw and Robin's latest choice of TV Show. There's some fresh beef and QFTP's that involve a kilt, lasagne and some Sambuca. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagmarianoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and you fancy him, dot ca ones you've ever done that is you're fancying but you don't know why well you know what it is I'll take what I can get at least people fancy us well I know

beggars can't be choosers do you know what I mean quite right quite right I will take that yeah that is what you've just said there that is a 2020

slash 21 Valentine's Day card if ever there was one you're fancying me don't know why it really is a backhanded kick in the dick at least people fancy you

people just want to be my friend yeah well you know, it's not like getting friend-zoned on an international scale. Constantly friend-zoned all the time. And honestly, guys, if you're listening, she's not that good a friend. The worst. Actually a bit of a cow.

I take three weeks to reply to any sort of text message. Yeah, yeah, exactly. Yet, she's always on her phone. Bit weird. Won't ring anyone either. No. You don't ring people. What is wrong with me?

I've got actual social anxiety with people who I know, but strangers on the internet, I'll talk to for hours. So bizarre. But my friends and family, I can't speak to them. When we, back in the day, when hotels were a thing, when we used to stay in hotels, I literally, you would, you will not phone up the hotel reception to ask for food or anything.

Hate it. I've been on my way back to a hotel before, and I've been like, look, I'm like half an hour away. Why don't you order the room service now so it's there when I get there? And you're like, can you just order it when you get here?

I don't like it. But why is that? Why can't I do that? You won't ring for a curry. You won't ring for a pizza. I mean, I will. You won't. You're being a bit ridiculous.

I will. I don't want to, but I will. Yeah, you will. But like the amount of times where it'll be like, you know, we need to quickly pop out. Oh, can you,

we need to quickly do that thing tomorrow. Can your mum have Robin and Rafe? And you go, I'll text her. And I go, just ring her now and ask. I'll text her. I've said it before, you would text a fucking ambulance. You'd literally be lying on the ground with your leg hanging off. Is there that option?

Because I would, to be honest with you. Speaking of, I mean, this is the intro, but hey. Speaking of ambulances. Why the hell not? Speaking of ambulances, you know how we've got a gate at the front door, at our front house? Now there's a gate. Oh, you're going to be good with words today, aren't you? I can feel it.

Oh, we'll get onto that in a minute. At the front of our garden, we've got a security gate. There's a security gate. I always think, what would happen if I fell down the stairs and I was just in the house with the kids, but I couldn't do anything? How would they get in? How would they get in? how would they get in? well here's another question right

maybe take our gates out of the equation right you know let's just imagine how do ambulance crew police officers etc etc

how do they get in your house if your door's locked? they'll just smash it they just smash the door in? yeah or they'll climb in a window or something but it depends

what the situation is I just thought I've always wondered have you rang the ambulance in this Yeah. Or they'll climb in a window or something. But it depends what the situation is. I just thought, I've always wondered. Have you rang the ambulance in this scenario? Have you rang the ambulance? Well, do you know what it is? I would have had to ring the ambulance because Robin doesn't know how to use the phone. Okay, I'll be free. In this scenario, have you texted the ambulance?

Right, I've texted the ambulance. When you put on the bottom of the text, we'll go security, it's locked, jump over. Right. And that's that. Okay. Jesus. Why are you planning

for this adventure? Are you going to throw yourself down the stairs? It's been that bad. Come on, man. I don't know. I'm happy this week. I can't laugh.

Oh, she's got a bad jaw. We'll talk about that more in a moment. Good God. It's all them imaginary blowjobs I've been given. Imaginary!

Practicing in front of the mirror. But when the world goes back to normal. Happy Elbow! I'm doing nothing. Oh, guys, thank you so much for listening. Thank you for coming back. We hope you're all okay and hanging in out there. It's episode 104, can you believe it?

God damn it! Bloody hell. Unbelievable. And without further fannying on, it is time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor. Now, this week's sponsor, it's seasonal. The snow's gone. The sun's come out. It's not warm. It's not warm by any stretch of imagination.

It's definitely not hot. It's definitely not warm. However, this week's sponsor is wearing shorts when it's cold just to show off your calf tattoo. There it is. No word of a lie. I saw a guy walk down the street the other day with a hat, gloves, a massive puffer jacket, walking boots, shorts with football emblem on his calves.

I think I know him. It was fucking freezing. It was still snowing at the time. It was ice and I was going around a corner really slowly and that fucking dick was walking around and I thought... We've talked about this before. But it's never been a sponsor. They got in touch. They got in touch. Hey, a little bit of sunshine?

Eh? Yeah. Get your cough tattoo out. Well, that's Robin. What's your cough tattoo? Was it a football badge? Of course it's a fucking football badge. Go on, get it out. Go on, get in the fucking sea. Get in the bin. Get in the bin and then throw that bin into the sea.

Are you done? Shorts with cough tattoos is what you're in conjunction with. Take your shirt off while driving your van if it's a little bit hot. Christopher, you're absolutely rehashing

stuff we've done. We have talked about this before. Listen, these are lucrative sponsors. No, they're not. Lucrative. Lucrative sponsor? You're a peaking contest. It's disgusting. You should take money off.? You're repeating content? It's disgusting?

You should take money off me. You know what it is? I didn't even know we were talking about this. I went down my sponsor... Take money off us. I went down my sponsor's list. I've got a little sponsor list in my phone of the ones I've used and I just typed in tattoo and shorts.

Hadn't been used. I thought, here we fucking go. Well, we've talked about it before, so get over yourself. We'll earn money off it this time. Great. Right, here's the jingle. Shush. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingush. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle.

We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Mountain Lloyd. Very happy to have you back. Episode 104. 104. Insane. I was just trying to think of a bingo thing there but it stops at 99 doesn't it? It stops at 90. 90? Line 90. Really? It

doesn't go past 90. Goodness me. Okay then. There we go. We'll learn something new every day. Are you talking about bingo stuff again? Are you rehashing your old stuff? Always. Always. So, come on. Whinge about your fucking jaw, because you know you want to. I'm in a good place today, by the way.

I've had a really good little morning. Weren't you yesterday, though? Productive morning. No, terrible day yesterday. No, really bad. Really bad. Bottom. Fucking rock bottom yesterday.

I love it, though. I love that your mood doesn't impact the rest of our family. No, I keep it to myself, don't I? Absolutely not. Hey, what are you talking about? No way, I keep it to myself. I hide it well. I put on a brave face.

I do. I put on a brave face. I definitely don't let it impact my life or those around me. And I just get on with it. I just don't get on with it. That's what I do, you know. No, jokes aside I am

yeah I think the word we're looking for is it radiates out of me you're an energy stealer you're a vampire I woke up yesterday right

you know I'm not even bothered I'll tell people I'm not scared you know you should talk about stuff like this I woke up and the best way I can describe it

is like you know if you're a bit hungry or you're a bit thirsty or you want something a bit sweet and you think well i need a little bit of chocolate a little cream eggs i'm like that wouldn't it hits the spot nothing was hitting the spot and i realized it was sadness i was like i'm just sad so i had a drink of water i was i must be thirsty drink water fine not probably the worst drink you could have taken that slugging off water you're mostly a body's water bitch um exactly yeah actually that's a piece of shit in it uh i'd toast i believe you know what it is i'd toast with jam on i didn't i didn't just

have toast with jam on i had two slices of toast one with lovely hot melted butter and one with jam on like a little two course meal fucking out no and i was just like oh i played on mario with robin and i was like i'm just fucking nothing i know but i'm all Weirdly, your mum told us yesterday that I wear black T-shirts too much and I might be sad because I wear black T-shirts. I mean... Got a blue one on today. I'm happy as Larry. Right.

That's the most stupidest thing she's ever said. No, no, I think it's science. I think she's a doctor. I think she's a doctor. What? Sandra, I think you wear too many black T-shirts. Well, do you know what it is, right? I never realised I wore too many black T-shirts

until she had a dig at me yesterday when I was at my lowest point. Do you know what I mean? It was like, you. Well, do you know what it is, right? I never realised I wore too many black t-shirts until she had a dig at me yesterday when I was at my lowest point. Do you know what I mean? It was like, you're sad, are you? You're fed up? Well, while we're at it, change your fucking top, you scruff. I'll see you later. I'm sorry, right? Okay. But that's Sandra all over. Let's now talk about

the elephant in the room, Sandra. The global pandemic. Oh no, your sadness is all because you're wearing a black top. It must be that, Chris. It must be that. All right, Sandra. That's hilarious. Guys, if you're out there and you're down and you're a bit sad, as a lot of people are at the moment,

just put a brightly coloured top on. Apparently it sorts it right out. Although, again, annoyingly, navy top on today. Nearly black, but not quite black very happy do you know how they say depression they call it

is it the big black dog you were saying that yesterday to me don't let the black dog in I was like what the fuck are you talking about but I was too sad

to even counteract what you were saying you're like the black dog don't let the black dog in I was like she's fucking lost her mind once you let him in he doesn't leave

it's hard to get rid of no it is I've seen it a lot online and things like that but it's like the big black dog it's like depression it's just kind of rid of no it is I've seen it a lot online and things like that but it's like the big black dog it's like depression is just kind of

sitting on top of you and the depression is a black dog so I actually think depression is a black t-shirt now a black t-shirt don't put the black t-shirt on

so don't put the black t-shirt on you're never going to get that shit off when theatres open again everyone in the wings and backstage has to wear black so you can't see them

not at our show you're going to be able to see the stage hands left left, right and centre. Don't care. What's that boy band doing at the side? Why is the cast of Star Trek at the side in all red and yellow and blue? What the fuck's going on? Why is Philip Schofield here in his Joseph jacket?

It's a Technicolor dream girl. Philip Schofield. What, when he did Joseph and the Technicolor fuck what a reference that was in the 90s thank you I mean he still brings that out

he brings it out all the time he had it on not long ago for a charity thing he's always wearing that coat tax deductible gotta get your money

out of it he might have put it it might have been really expensive right it might have been like 40 grand or something for that coat and he might have

had to literally say to the taxman look I'll wait once a year to get me away with it. Do you think he kept the coat? Probably. I was just assuming that he'd got a new coat. It's a new one each time. Well, that's even better.

He'd be saving on even more tax then. Oh, he's not daft, is he? No wonder he's that low of the shop. No wonder he's on everything. What a career that man's had. With his coat. Mr. Schofield, we'll see you outgoings here on your the shop. No wonders on everything. What a career that man's had. With his coat on. Mr. Schofield, we'll see your outgoings here on your tax form.

It's four 40 grand multicoloured jackets a year. Can you explain yourself? Well, did Joseph in the 90s, didn't I? Guys, just in case out there you didn't have enough tax related banter in your life, there it is. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

I've grazed my boob. You've grazed your boob. On the table. I've stopped the breastfeeding, haven't I? Knocked it on the head completely. So now the boobs, I'm going through that.

It's about three days where they're just absolutely massive. Feel like rocks and they hurt. You've just got to stop. You've just got to stop feeding, stop expressing whatever, and then they just kill for like days. As a man,

a very strange thing is happening around the house because every few moments you will come up to me and go, feel me boobs, Chris. And it's really mixed. It's a weird thing. Okay. Because as a man...

I don't mean it in a sexy way. I mean it in a feel, feel how rock hard these are. Yeah, so it's like, feel how rock hard me boobs are. It's weird. It's almost like so it's like feel how rock hard me boobs are it's weird it's almost like you're bragging about

how rock hard your boobs are but then you're saying that they're hurt but then I am a man and you're saying feel me boobs

it's strange times okay strange times let me just I'll refrain from asking you to feel me boobs because

well let's not let's not go crazy here Christopher no let's not go silly do not be thinking that any of that's

going to happen anytime soon. Excuse me! No. You're the one who bought condoms from the shop yesterday. I saw them in your bag. As if you're actually saying that on here. I tell you what, there was a super drug bag on the table there. Christopher. There was a super drug. There was condoms.

How dare you? Do you want to know? Do you really want to know? Do you want to know why I bought them? Party balloons? Water bombs? No. God's honest truth. So, do you remember when know do you really want to know do you want to know why I bought them party balloons water bombs no God's honest truth so do you remember when the health visitor came round

a few days I was at the midwife can't remember a few days after we had Rafe I can't remember whether it was our midwife Michelle

love you Michelle she listens to our podcast love you was a bit intense sorry Michelle don't know you that well but you know do you remember

when she came for a meeting and I had to leave her in the house and go and pick you up because you'd gone out? Did we talk about that? Yeah, we did. Anyway, what was I saying? So I always find it hilarious, just after you've had your baby,

somebody says, now have you got any birth control in place? And I laugh. Yeah, yeah. I laugh a lot. Yeah. But then I did go to Boots yesterday because I needed to get some formula and I did buy some condoms because I thought, do you know what it is? Right? I'm back lot. Yeah. But then, I did go to Boots yesterday because I needed to get some formula

and I did buy some condoms because I thought, do you know what it is? Right? Back on the wine. Yeah. We might get frisky but not be my look.

It would be my look. Yeah. I'd get pregnant. Yeah. Again. I'm worried for that. And I just think, no.

I'm 100% worried for that. And you hear these stories, these horror stories of, oh, I was pregnant six weeks after I had my baby. And I think, no, no.

So I did buy condoms. They'll be staying in the box because I don't want to have sex with you yet. But when we do, they'll be there. We'll snip that up. We'll snip that up. That can be my message to them. That'll help with my black T-shirt. Bing.

Don't have sex with you yet. Bing. Oh, cool. That's just the wife texting us. Saying something nice. All I'm saying is don't have sex with you yet bing oh cool that's just the wife texting us saying something nice all I'm saying is don't be presumptuous don't be going to the shop

without me and buying condominiums right like I don't need to be wined and dined right don't you just think you can walk in with a

box of condoms throw them at us go take your black t-shirt I'll fire one of them on how dare you is my stance on this how bloody dare you

right I need to be romanced does your black top need to be romanced as well or can we just leave him out of it i can't leave it on look look look you'll leave your black top am i crying and you'll be dead glum i'll be like it's a black top take it off take it off should I tell them about my jaw let's tell them about your jaw

I think everyone's been waiting do you know what it is this is great this is like professional radio we teased the jaw at the top

and now we're like a good ten minutes in now we're telling them about the jaw well the 400 gram is it grams milligrams milligrams

400 grams. Are you talking about the ibuprofen? The ibuprofen. 400 milligram. 400 grams. Like a fucking tennis ball. Rosie, I've got your ibuprofen gobstopper. 400 grams.

Half a kilo. Christopher. I've never took drugs. 400 grams! Half a kilo? Christopher, I've never took drugs. I don't know how much a gram is. When people go about coke and stuff, I've got no idea. So you think that's the only reason people know grams? Drugs.

You don't think people get taught it at school? Yeah. 400 grams of ibuprofen. Can you imagine? Rosie, here's the last ibuprofen you'll ever take because you're a fucking goner when you've had this, love. Here's a bucket of water to take it with.

Elephant ibuprofen. Wow. So no, sorry. Okay, 400. It's the double dose one. Yeah, the beast. And the codeine. Yeah. It's kicking in now, so I feel okay 400 minutes it's the double dose one yeah the beast and the codeine yeah

it's kicking in now so I feel okay you feel alright now yeah I don't know what's happened to us I think I've broke I finally broke under all of the pressure

of this life and my jaw hurts and I think it's from clenching my jaw or grinding my teeth I bite the side of my mouth yeah

it's tension you're holding tension and stress because everything's everything's shit yeah clynchu fy mhroed, rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud rwy'n gwneud r stress, anxiety, stuff like that. So the way to get rid of it is just not to be stressed or anxious. Good, right. So it will go by itself. I've just got to Simple fix. Easy. Cheer up. Personally, I very much enjoyed the other night

when we were basically trying to work out what it was. We were doing that thing where you Google stuff and you don't know what it is. And I said to you, so ages ago, years ago, your mum told me that sometimes if you can't get to sleep you're tense in your jaw and you don't realize you're doing it so literally um you just got to look like the village idiot you've just got to slack in your jaw and just like oh and just drop it and sort of almost guys if you work out what i'm explaining here you almost drop your tongue in between your bottom teeth and your lip like like that Like, let your jaw just fall.

And that's your properly relaxing jaw. And Rosie sat watching the telly with it the other night. And I didn't watch much of the telly. I just sat looking at you because you looked fucking ridiculous. You took the worst picture of us I've ever seen in my entire life. There's been some bad ones, but it was bad. It was bad. But it does ease the pain.

Yeah. Well, that was the best bit because I said, what happens when you do this with your jaw? And you went like, oh my God, Chris, it doesn't hurt when I do this.

And I was like, well, just keep doing that. And I just took like five, But it's really actually uncomfortable to do that all the time. Yeah, it can be, yeah. Your tongue dries up as well. So,

fun and games. I'd rather just be a bit down. This is what happens to me. I don't get upset and stressed. You get a weird side effect. I get like, I'll get a be a bit down. This is what happens to me. I don't get upset and stressed. You get a weird side effect. I'll get a rash. Yeah, you get that thing on your thumb that looks like a brain. I've had that all my life. Whenever I'm due on,

I'll run down. I get this random lump on my thumb. I had it on my eye once. I got this to have school for a week, actually, when I got that. So, yeah, I'm just a little bit damaged right now. aren't we all I'm emotionally damaged but yours is coming out

in the physical way yeah we'll be back fighting fit soon yeah yeah you know well hopefully as long as the school's open

they're already open they're not already open stop saying it they're already open I'm due a fucking fine because Robin's not been since before Christmas the school's not open

they're operating at 50%. Not fully open then. Shut your mouth. Jesus. Something's been happening recently. Something's been happening. It's not a bad thing. It's not a bad thing.

Well, I don't know. Robin has been watching a lot of YouTube. Yes. Loads of YouTube. He. Loads of YouTube. He watches these families on YouTube, so obviously he loves Ryan, Ryan's world. Can I just say, growing on me, Ryan. Is he?

I realised the other day, I watched a full episode. Right. Ryan's Mystery Playdate on Nickelodeon. I enjoyed it. He's a very talented lad. He'll go far. The effort that they put in. Yeah.

This isn't an apology. I still stand by taking the piss out of him the other day because it's just a joke. I'll take the piss out of him. Come round my house, I'll take the piss out of him.

I don't care who you are. Yeah, it's not a bad little show and it's nice. It's better than some of the fucking tripe you watch. Oh, Robin loves it. It's educational. Yeah.

The Mystery Playdate person is always someone who's got a little, you know what I mean? The other day it was Chemist Katieie i think she was called right pretty great right okay well he watches all of these vlogs and these families yes the one he loves as well as hobby kids they are quite funny it's like three three young lads anyway he keeps taking my phone and doing videos which is the sweetest thing in the world like he's doing vlogs right and he's just filming rave but every time he makes me doing videos which is the sweetest thing in the world like he's doing vlogs right and he's just filming Rafe

but every time he makes me watch them which is a bit irritating they're like five minutes long and you're like right great we're arguing in the background

I noticed that the other day yeah Chris on nearly all of these videos we are having a quite heated discussion

in the background and he's going, hi, well, I'm Robin Ramsey with this American accent because he watches too much TV. And we are in the background fighting and I'm like, I'm terrified he's going to post it somewhere. We're not fighting. Let's put that, we're not

shouting. You're making it sound like they're throwing fucking plates at each other. No, but we are, there's been a few times when we're having heated discussion yeah and you can hear it yeah and I just think he's gonna send it

to somebody he's gonna post it he did one this morning on my phone I was looking for my phone I couldn't find it and he was sitting playing on

Super Mario Odyssey on the switch and he was just chatting away and I was like what's he doing I looked down the video the

camera was in front of him and he was talking to the camera talking them through talking the guys through what he was doing on Super Mario Odyssey like Ethan Gamer TV.

Oh. Yeah. Well, he said something the other day, gosh, this is COVID, by the way, he just sits on the telly, who cares? Ethan, the lad that he loves on there, Ethan Gamer,

this young lad who wears glasses and that, he plays all the little games. A lovely kid. He's like, Ethan calls me a gamer, mummy. I'm like,

oh, bless you. He says, I'm doing these videos, daddy, but I don't want to put them on YouTube. I was like oh bless you he says I'm doing these videos daddy but I don't want to put them on YouTube I was like

no you can put them on YouTube when you're older you can do stuff like that if you want if you want to contribute to the

bills you can but not now no no no no get us arguing in the background

I couldn't be bothered again Ryan's family fucking fair play to them I'm out of that no imagine editing that shit nobody in the world

would be able to do that. But imagine having to edit your own brain. Oh, God. Talking into a camera about a video game. I don't even edit this shit with Ian now. I know. I'm out of it, thanks. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Been watching a lot of You Being Framed recently. I think we've talked about... Yeah. I think we spoke about Robin's obsession with You Being Framed. It's the first thing he wants on in the morning. First thing. Fucking infuriating. It's the first thing he wants on in the morning. First thing. Fucking infuriating. It did make me remember something, though.

And I don't think we've talked about this in the podcast. I can't remember. Did your parents have a video camera when you were younger? No. Right. Well. The families did. We didn't.

My dad used to borrow his sister's, me auntie's. Asking for trouble borrowing people's video cameras, but carry on. I mean, it's his sister, so that's, stop being disgusting. Anyway,

we used to borrow that and I remember just watching back videos of when we were younger, me dad used to set the camera up in the corner of the room and just leave it on for hours. That's really weird.

Yeah, but I think a lot of people did that. So it wasn't like, you know how we video something now And we'll video it for like a purpose Like oh They're going to blow the candles out For the birthday

To get the camera out Oh right what's happening Oh he's on there Blah blah blah My dad used to just put it In the corner of the room It's really strange And leave it on

Like CCTV Like paranormal activity Yeah But Paraboring activity Paraboring activity Paralack of activity. But because we went on holiday one year to a villa.

Seen it. Seen that video. Yeah, you've seen it. Twice in Anna's made us watch that. That's cruel. What? Because my dead grandad's on there, and that's why we watch it.

Right. Grandad Jim. Right, okay. How dare you. How dare you. Look at you. You've twisted that round. Look at you.

Internet troll. You've twisted that round. My grandad, internet troll. You've twisted that round. My grandad. It's you and your sister. That was his best holiday. It's everyone just running around naked, jumping into the pool. Little children.

At that age where it's fine to walk around naked. I'm not judging you, nice. You're free, you're enjoying yourself. You're in a villa. Why not? But yeah, it's just like, I just remember it's the same one and I've seen it three or four times.

Well, personally, I love it, but I always just found it really strange that my dad we had a garden party we ordered a paella paella paella don't know how you say it

paella I think it's probably paella because the double L makes a Y but I think you know I think we can get away

with paella better than we can get away with jalapeno or fajita do you know what I mean I think jalapeno and fajita is bad but pa but i think you can

say that yeah yeah and pacific that's not a spanish word but carry on all right anyway so and my dad just set the camera up in the outside garden because we had a party yeah and it's just hours long in the villa well i haven't seen hours long i've only seen a few bits but you and your kid are running around doing a show as usual always but we weren't that family but the classic one for families was

Christmas day film people opening their stuff yeah birthdays holidays they were the times when people used to yeah yeah yeah

that was the only times just nah I'm all good for it we never did that as a family and I don't take many photos or videos these days no you don't never

boring too busy living in the moment or being really sad one of the two You don't. Never. Boring. Too busy living in the moment or being really sad. One of the two. It's time for What's Your Beef? Oh, get in. Beef, beef, beef,

b-b-b-b-b-b-b-beef. Do you want to go first? Um, yes. Mine's not actually that bad this week. Wow. Well, because you have been doing

a lot of things that have been annoying us. Can we, for a moment here, revisit my beef last week? I've just remembered this. My beef last week was that you were doing the night feeds, acting like a martyr, and constantly telling me I wouldn't be able to do the night feeds. Yeah.

Can you please tell the nation what Chris Ramsey has been smashing since last week's show? Okay. yn dweud wrth fy nghymryd, na fyddaf wedi cael fy nghymryd i wneud y ffyddoedd y nos. Allwch chi ddweud i'r genedlaeth beth mae Chris Ramsay wedi bod yn ffynnu ers y sioe diwethaf? Iawn, mae Chris Ramsay wedi bod yn ffynnu'r ffyddoedd y nos. Bwm! Ond Chris Ramsay... Na, gadewch i mi ddweud hynny. Babadu babadu bab! Beth yw'r nes? Mae'r gynulleidfa Chris Ramsay wedi cael ei ddweud i Chris Ramsay

bod yn bosibl y byddai'n rhaid i chi fynd i'r doctor i gael rhywfaint o brysyns. Nid oes rhywbeth i wneud y ffyddoedd y nos. Felly efallai nad ydyn nhw ddweud hynny. to maybe get somebody depressed. It's nothing to do with the night feeds. So maybe Chris Ramsey shouldn't do the night feeds anymore. I like the night feeds. Because maybe the lack of sleep

might not be helping with Chris Ramsey's depression. I like the night feeds because I get to sleep through the day. I get to sleep the day away so I don't have to experience the day.

That's depression. But I get to stay in bed and I don't have to experience the day and then I wake up on the night and I watch Italian and I sit on my own. But that's what people with depression do when they don't want to get out of bed and sleep don't have to experience the day and then I wake up on the night and I watch Italian and I sit on my own. But that's what people with depression

do when they don't want to get out of bed and sleep the day away. It's good because it goes quicker. Day goes quicker. I'm not making light of this. This is my life. Don't you judge me. If you're listening now, I'm in this. I'm living this shit.

Oh my word eh funny no you are you're doing the nape very well I am smashing it to be fair but I mean you're tired

which is coming out in different ways yeah but I am I'm proud of myself I'm doing it I'm going to do it

again tonight loving it I've watched some utter fucking shit films that you would never watch with us it's great what have you been

watching I watched Robocop 2 the other night oh god that is shit yeah really bad good though utter fucking shit films that you would never watch with us. It's great. What have you been watching? I watched Robocop 2 the other night. Oh God, that is shit. Yeah, really bad. Good though. Shit in a good way.

Bad but good. Newest Terminator. Bad but good. One of the old Star Treks with Picard. Yeah. Bloody hasn't aged a day, that fella. Do you know that? Who, Arnie? No.

No. God, E, do you know what's really bad? Sir Patrick Stewart. You were talking then, I just wasn't listening. But I knew that you'd watched Terminator, so I just said Arnold Schwarzenegger. Yeah, ten words ago.

Yeah, I'm sorry, Chris. Oh, Arnold Schwarzenegger's aged. Wait, I didn't listen to you at all. Yeah. To the point of where they go like, he's a machine, and you go, oh.

Like, it's strange in the new Terminator, he's a machine. Does he do fight scenes? Well, yeah, he does, a bit. But he moves more like a machine now than he did in the first few Terminators because he's old as fuck. Do you know what I mean? I mean, he's still hench. I'll be back. Is that from that? Yes. I don't in the first few Terminators because he's old as fuck. Do you know what I mean?

I mean, he's still hench. I'll be back. Is that from that? Yes. I've done it. He's still hench as fuck. I definitely wouldn't fight him. Massive.

But yeah, what's he called? Sir Patrick Stewart. Hasn't aged a day. Unbelievable. What's he in again? Star Trek. Star Trek. John Picard.

Yes. Hasn't aged a fucking day. Crazy. Looked good. Oh, great. Amazing. Good for him. What's your beef

my beef with you is you keep you know your water bottles that you drink your water out of yeah you keep leaving it on the windowsill yes and I don't know why

it's working but why so so it's easily accessible so it's not dirty it's busy being used so I have drank out of it but why put it on the windowsill so I know it's there I know but it's not dirty. It's busy being used. Right, but why put it on the windowsill? So I know it's there.

I know, but it just looks like a disgusting vase. I think you'll find it's a Peloton water bottle. How dare you? But I'd rather it wasn't on the windowsill. Could you not put it on the bench? Anyone who walks past the window to look through and go, oh, it's got a Peloton water bottle. That's the saddest thing you've ever said.

I'm joking. There's a fence there you can't walk past anyway. I don't know why I do that. I fill the water up. I have a drink out of it then I think I'm not going to wash that

because it's just me who drinks out of it. It's literally my bottle. Like my glasses that you keep putting in the dishwasher. Yeah, because you don't know whose they are

but this is my bottle. So I drink out of it and I put it back to the windowsill right next to the sink so I go out and put that in again and I can fill it again.

Please stop though because it's like the windowsill right next to the sink so I go out and put that in again and I can fill it again. Please stop though because it's like the alignment. It's putting us off. Are you annoyed because you can't really reach the windowsill because you're little?

I genuinely can't reach the windowsill. Is that what we're getting at? No, it's not. That's not why it's annoyed. I just don't put it on the windowsill. Why put your dirty

water bottle on the bench? What if I put it on the bench? It might get cleaned and then put it in the sink. I if I put it on the bench? It might get cleaned. And then put it in the sink. I mean, God forbid.

Wasting water. What? Cleaning it. If you clean it... We're in the middle of a pandemic. It probably should do with a clean. Speaking of Peloton anyway, stop talking about your Peloton. I don't care.

I really don't care. Okay. No, you made us... You did a video of it the other day because you were going through a forest. Funny how you can go on your Peloton with a broken ankle. Funny that, innit?

Got my boot on. Bunny. Physio said I could. Physio said I could. Rehabilitation. Go on 20 minutes a day, but I did half an hour yesterday because I'm harder than anything.

Couldn't walk the shop yesterday though, could you? For crisp to go with a sandwich. No. I did too much. Prick. My beef with you this week. You've done a beef?

No, no. I revisited last week's beef. Now I've got a fresh beef. Chris? No, no. I revisited last week's beef for a beef update. Right?

Mm-hmm. Now this is the fresh beef. Right, okay. My beef with you this week. Have you stopped breastfeeding yet? Yeah. You stopped breastfeeding yet? Well, yeah.

Well, if you've stopped breastfeeding, can you please explain the influx of milky breast pads that are being left left, right and centre

in this house? They're on tables. They're on windowsills. I went upstairs this morning. I asked a coaster. Coaster for your bottle. Aye. Went upstairs this morning.

I asked a coaster. Coaster for your bottle. There's two on the floor, upstairs in the upstairs hallway. They're just on the floor. Took them out me broth and went away in the shower. Screwed them on the floor. There's a bin in the toilet

next to the shower. Milky nipple pads all over the house. Sick of it. You know what they look like? Remember UFOs when you were younger with what they look like? They look like, remember UFOs when you were younger

with the sherbet in? They're like giant white UFOs. But well, I have to wear them at the minute because when Rafe cries, my boobs cry.

Yeah. Absolutely. The leak. You don't have to throw them on the floor or leave them all over the place. Right,

well I just didn't get them in the bin on time. But do you know what it is Chris though? I've had to take them out Because if I don't I'll have them in for like three days And then I'll go, these are a bit manky

Right So I think they're getting wet and then they're drying And they're getting wet and then they're drying I know it's horrible, do I stink? Can you smell this? Do I smell like metal? No more than usual I said that yesterday to my mum you know i've never seen her

look at us with such disgust ever like i said i went i walked to my mom's oh because we had an argument oh that was fun that was a couple of years ago i walked to my mom's yeah um and i said to her when i were left and i put my coat on i went oh i was like oh mom i stink and i was i haven't i don't think i've had a shower today. And she just looked at us like, right. Do you know what I mean? Like a person who's got time on her hands. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, she's got loads of time.

I looked down on us and I thought, it actually, it kicked us into gear because I've had a wash today. Oh, well done. Just the days. I just, it's four o'clock in the afternoon and I've not brushed my teeth. I had a wash and I'm like. What's the point in brushing your teeth at four o'clock when it's clearly wine time baby well exactly you can't you can't drink wine after brushing your teeth disgusting horrible isn't it robin

experienced that for the first time the other day you wanted to you want a little drink of juice before he went to bed and made him brush his teeth and then he got the drink of juice and he drank and he went that tastes horrible and i went it's your toothpaste. Finally. Yeah. That's took him years. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Crazy. Do you remember? Here's a little memory. Oh. Do you remember when we used to go out

to pubs and that? No. Or restaurants. I can't remember that. And you brush your teeth before you leave. Yeah. And that first sip of alcohol was never that nice.

Yeah. But because you used to go out so much, you think, oh, well, I'll just, I'll carry on. Oh, yeah, you would go, I'll wash this toothpaste away with this first pint. Yeah, I'll carry on with this. God, I remember pints. Oh, no. I'll just carry on. Oh, yeah, I'll wash this toothpaste away with this first pint. Yeah, I'll carry on with this.

God, I remember pints. Oh, no. I remember pints. Memories. Like the corners of my mind. Of my pints. God. Oh, wait a minute, sort it out, quick.

Bubbly, orangey, watery, pint memory. You actually made pint sound disgusting there. Don't do that again. Bubbly, orangey, watery. Don't ever do that again. That's a pint? You sound like a drip tree. I don't like that at all.

Don't ruin pints for me. You don't even drink pints. Am I biacag? Please don't. Am I biacag? Got enough lockdown shit going on in this house. I think I'm the only man in Britain who didn't build a fucking pub in his house.

Yeah, only because I wouldn't let you. Yeah, I did try. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care.

From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's the girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil.

It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center

in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. It's time for questions from the public. From the public. Public. Public. That was nice.

I enjoyed that a lot. As always, guys, if you want to get in touch and have a question for us, it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. Literally send us whatever the fuck you want. Go for it. Fill your boots. Go crazy. And thank you so much for continuing to rate us on the little podcast apps and stuff.

We really do appreciate it. I check them. I check them every day and they keep going up. It really does. I do. it's actually getting ridiculous now so but yeah it's all i've got it's all i've got got a little one um referencing last week that i thought i would just touch on straight away just a little update from someone hello i've just listened to episode 103 about the woman who swallows mash beans and jelly hall right remember her yeah i don't swallow my beans while i chew them but i do swallow mash and jelly and pasta whole oh that's the only time i chew right so this this lady here

swallows pasta whole cooked pasta obviously i imagine yeah but i mean are we talking like penny um well i mean if it's spaghetti orzo where does it end what's also really small pasta right okay i don't know i don't know i'm guessing it's not i've never heard of orzo small pasta i guess that's a posh thing i'm guessing she's not talking about this because she's written here the only time i chew pasta is when i have pasta and beans for my dinner pasta and no fucking is when I have pasta and beans for my dinner. Pasta and beans? No fucking idea who this person is. Pasta and beans. What do you mean?

What kind of disgusting... No, no, no, no, no, no. Don't, no. Chris? No. I would. No. I would.

Why? Why not? Pasta and beans. Hang on. Pasta. Beans. Nah, it's scummy. Pasta and beans. What kind of scasta. Beans. Nah, it's scummy. Pasta and beans.

What kind of scummy fucking student shit is this? Tuna. What kind of scummy student fucking straight out of the tin scran is this? I've got a feeling, now she's saying pasta here, I've got a feeling she might mean spaghetti hoops. Well, you could eat them all. They're dead soft. Yeah.

I think we've got a genuine scumbag emailing in here. Because she's just written as well. Also, going back to sharing a towel with other people. Me and my boyfriend don't share a towel. But we do share,

brace yourself, What? a flannel. No. I can't think of a worse thing to share. Do we share the loofah thing? What's it called? Oh, the shower puff thing.

The sharp sponge. The sharp sponge. Well, the thing on the... Oh, this. Cody! She can't speak. It's... Hit the spot.

I know what you mean. The shower puff thing. Yes. The collection of net. We share that, don't we? Yes. Is that bad? So that's just like a flannel? But a flannel... I don't know what this mean the shower puff thing yes the collection we share that don't we yes is that bad so that's just like a flannel

but a flannel I don't know what this flannel what's with you and flannels I really have a phobia of flannels where's your birthday sort of sunshine hello flannel.com I'll have a lifetime

of flannels please for me husband thank you so much speaking of what you said at the beginning as well oh hang on this has just sparked something for us oh yeah have you ever been anyone's house where they have never i've never

been anyone's house no no no past year better not have i'll tell on you i'll shop you um where they have flannels to wash your hands like a posh hotel your auntie and uncle has got them yeah i know yeah yeah like i want to say to my auntie karen auntie karen how often do you wash these flannels and she will she'll wash them all the time because, you know, the house is nipping clean and, you know, lovely and clean.

But that's a lot of graft. I remember, first time I went to your auntie and uncles and I saw that they had flannels downstairs and you basically, you dry your hands on a pile of them. Everyone gets a different flannel.

It's literally like 20 flannels. You dry your hands, you put it in the little thing and then they get washed. Yeah. I couldn't believe it. I thought, I'm wanting some money here.

How the other half lived. That's why I married you. As soon as I saw that, yeah, yeah. How wrong was that? Turns out I spent all the family money on flannels. Going back to your intro here, your horrible intro that you sent to me here, this same person, bean-eating pasta freak,

has written, Chris also used to be my celebrity crush, but after listening to the podcast and loving Rosie so much, I just can't look at Chris like that anymore. It's like fancying a friend's boyfriend.

Thank you. Sorry, Chris. That's good. I appreciate that. A little kick while I'm down. That's class. Thank you. Thank you, Pastor Bean Lady.

I do appreciate that. Because it's always a bit weird when I put a picture on Instagram and people are like, oh, I would. And I'm like, that's a bit inappropriate. Do they write that?

Oh, look at you. Can you screen that for me no can you talk about birthday just every time someone said something nice

like ah just make a little collage of them for us and I'll just get them framed is that what you want nah no you would

look at your little face your face changed hey look everyone likes a compliment right yeah that's quite nice do you remember

when we first started when we were first married and you did something in an Instagram Live or something, and somebody said, just outright, I thought his wife would have been fitter. Remember that? That was fun. That was a good night.

Ooh, filled me with confidence I do remember that I still agree with him yeah I mean he's got a point I thought it should be fitter as well Rosie this next email I don't think there's any other podcast or TV show

or any kind of entertainment medium or even company uh in the entire world that gets an email that starts like this okay can i just say that i'm excited hello just catching up on your podcast and we've just finished the episode about rugby players doing shots out of their ball skin oh that yes i mean that was a very informative episode actually what a fucking opening sentence. And it's bang on as well. That's the most annoying bit.

It reminded me of a party trick that I did for a short while. I don't know if others have seen the trick of someone dipping their thumb in sambuca, then lighting it on fire and putting it out with their mouth. Never seen that. Seen that? So you can light a sambuca, right? But what you can do, I've seen people do it, they dip their thumb in so the Sambuca's on their thumb and then they light their thumb and then they go,

like put it in their mouth and put it out. I used to do that with matches. Right, that's ridiculous. Okay. But yeah, like a really shit fire eater. Yeah. Look at the match, everyone. No, I did.

When I used to smoke. So you'd light the match and then you'd put, because of the, what's it called in your mouth carbon monoxide no like when you shut your mouth

oh because no oxygen because there's no oxygen so I used to put the match in my mouth and I'd shut my mouth and it would go out it tasted horrible scummiest thing

I've ever heard awful I can't believe it took us this long to find out if your aunt and uncle with all the flannels could hear this

they'd be mortified well when I was at uni I saw someone do it with their thumb and thought if you can do it with your thumb you could probably do it with other body parts oh no i thought fuck it why not i'll do it with my knob oh my what so i yeah so i dipped my penis in sambuca and i set it on fire it's not the first and probably not the last time that people have pointed at my penis in Sambuca and I set it on fire. It's not the first and probably not the last time that people have pointed at my penis and laughed. Fair enough. Right, great.

This is when I realised I have excellent friends. As the first time I did it, I never thought of how to put it out as my mouth unfortunately does not reach my penis. As all men know. So my mate came to my rescue and put it out with his mouth. What a legend. He became part of the act. The act.

We went on tour. Coming to Pontins 2022. The act. Sambuca sausages. The act. Sambuca sausages. The act. Oh, so we hit the road. We did an international tour all over the world. There was women.

There was money. That's awful. He became part of the act after the first time. I prefer to be anonymous, please, as it's something I don't do anymore Is that only because the pubs are shut? It became part of the act for him and his mate, it became the thing where he dipped his dick in some Sambuca and light it

and then his mate would put his dick in it Basically what you're saying, you've emailed it to tell us that for a while your mate used to suck you off on nights out That's essentially what it is I'm not gay It's not gay if I'm not gay. It's not gay if you put some booger on it and light it. No, no, no.

Oh, weird. That's awful. It's so weird. Why? He lit it on fire and then went, hold on a second. And his mate had a crilly.

Oh, fucking hell. Why did his mate put his mouth around it? Why didn't he just kind of... That's the trick, isn't it? No, but... That's the trick. That's what he would do. Why did his mate put his mouth around it? Why didn't he just kind of... That's the trick, innit? No, but... That's the trick. That's what he wanted to do.

So you're telling me his friend is like, oh, oh. To the rescue. You were meant to do your thumb. Fireman Sam. Fireman Sam, to the rescue. Quick. Sorted. Thanks, mate.

You're welcome. Horrible. That must have really hurt, though. Because if you think about your thumb, that sees a lot of stuff during the day so it touches things it's quite the skin is quite hard

do you know what I mean round your penis from what I understand if you get it quick enough it's not burning the skin it's just the sambuca is the only thing burning so there's a layer of

I mean Christ don't try this anyone do not try this I'm not saying it won't hurt and I'm never going to try it I would never stick my penis in some kind of as if i have to say this don't stick your penis in something and then light it on fire it's not good you're right though very i mean we're gonna we're talking about pube singe here because it's gonna be pube singe and it's gonna be you're right very sensitive stinging but from what i understand the sambuca burns first like so you can put like you can put

it on your hand light it and then for a moment it won't hurt, and then it'll go out. But yeah, crazy. Asbestos dick. Well, I mean, that's what the girls call them. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hi.

I have a bit of a weird question to ask, and I would like some advice on something. Every night when my dad comes in to say goodnight to me, he's usually in his pyjamas. He is usually standing there for a while whilst we are talking. Everything is fine until he almost instantly starts vigorously scratching his arse crack. Is this someone's dad? Yes.

Right. I feel so uncomfortable and why can't he just wait and do it somewhere else? It baffles me. It is so obvious that he is doing it, but I can't bring myself to tell him to stop. How do I tell him to stop in the nicest and least awkward way possible? Many thanks. Can I start? Some people's relationships with their parents are so,

like, you can start. Go. Okay. So I would say, Dad, goodnight. Love you. Stop coming in my room overnight and scratching your back passage, please.

It's making us feel a bit ill. What would you say? I exactly i mean the first time you done it like the you know my my am i the way i speak to people sometimes sometimes i get off on the wrong foot with certain people i've met people in the industry you sort of think i'm you know the first time i've met them thought well you're a fucking prick because it's just the way i speak to people sometimes well you've got no filter i've given you a little bit of a filter. Yeah, a little bit. You've helped us a bit, but yeah.

You absolutely had no filter when I met you. Yeah, well, it's because I started comedy young and I realised when I just said stuff without thinking, people laughed if I just said things. So it just became the way in life. But if I was in my bedroom living at home and my dad came in to say goodnight, he was like, night, Sonia. Oh, what are you watching?

And it just hot. Dad! Fuck, get your hands out of your arse crack you dirty step back over the threshold scratch out

in the fucking passageway you dirty wash your hands like there would be no moment where I go I should say

something where you cover away and don't look thinking how do I broach this it would literally

be and I'm really sorry person who's written this in if he's got pyjama pants on and no underpants and he's vigorously

scratching his arse crack, there is bits of fecal matter and pubes. They are falling down the baggy trouser leg and they are dropping out of the bottom of his trouser leg like when they're disposing

of the dirt in the fucking yard in The Great Escape. Yes. He is shaking fecal matter and pubis onto your bedroom floor. But, it's not his bedroom floor though, is it? Yeah, it and pubis onto your bedroom floor but

it's not his bedroom floor though is it yeah yeah it's not the dad's bedroom floor he comes in what it's not the it's not the kid's bedroom floor

whose is it the dad's bedroom floor good point actually you live who owns the house you live under this roof I'll scratch my arse correct way I want

actually do you know what come on you're a dad now I've come at this from a different angle I've changed my mind yeah because in this scenario it was my dad scratching his arse you're the dad now I've come at this from a different angle I've changed my mind because in this scenario

it was my dad scratching his arse you're the dad now I'm the dad and I'm in Robin's room scratching me arse right well let's do a little role play

role play Rosie I'm going up and scratching my arse in his room now two seconds listen are you ready I'm Robin

or Rafe Rafe can't speak yet but I'm Robin scratch your arse well we'll do the whole thing night son night dad alright what are you watching on here Or Rafe. Rafe can't speak yet, but I'm rubbing. Yeah. Scratch your arse. Well, we'll do the whole thing. Night, son. Night, Dad.

All right. Oh, what are you watching on here? Just Walking Dead. Oh, hey, they know that started. That was a comic book at the first. Oh, Dad. Dad, man. What? Coming in here, scratching your arse pubes everywhere.

Get out. Get out. You're disgusting. Hey, hey. I don't know why my mum married you. She could have done a lot better. Hey. I've always said that about you. A bit personal, son. You're going a bit personal there. You're disgusting. I don't know why my mum married you. She could have done a lot better. I've always said that about you.

A bit personal, son. You're going a bit personal there. A bit biased. Two sides to every story. Listen. My house, my rules. I'll have you right now. I'll scratch my arse in every single room in this house.

Every room. But I pay board, Dad. I pay me £30 a week. Not enough. Not enough. Not enough, right? I can scratch my arse wherever I want. I've got full arse scratching privilege.

It's in the mortgage. I've got full arse scratching privileges in every single room right in fact yeah yeah i have a handful of pubes fuck you oh dad not again yeah well there you go so that's so weird i get it now i get it i might i might go in scratch my ass as well yeah your dad your dad owns the house he scratches ass where he wants yeah case closed babadoo babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I was listening to the podcast this week and Rosie was talking about the urge

to stick her knife in the toaster reminded me of something my girlfriend once said to me. Do you remember this? How you were saying you just want to stick your knife in a toaster? Always. I want to press the red button. I want to stick... I want to drive into lampposts.

Yeah. I want to step out in front of cars. Yeah. All of the things you're not meant to do, I just kind of want to do it. That's when you're somewhere really high and you go, oh, I can jump. Well, yeah.

No, because I'm terrified of falling. Okay, maybe not. But just the other things. It's just one of them where your brain goes, imagine if I did that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like a little momentary thing. Well, apparently it's a thing

because he just said to you, I just said to him, well, I was driving on the motorway, so I was doing at least 70 mile an hour and my girlfriend turned to me from the passenger seat and said, sometimes I get the urge to put your handbrake on when you're driving.

That's fun, isn't it? You do get that. I know a story about that. Well, do you know how I used to go out with the police officer? Police chat. Somebody, I don't think it happened to him. I think it was somebody he worked with. Somebody in the back managed to get out the handcuffs and put the handbrake on and the car flipped.

Jesus. So that's what happens. Do not put the handbrake on. Yeah. Because the car just like completely flipped over. No, but it's that thing of where she knows she can't do it and she knows she shouldn't do it. He said, my life flashed before my eyes. So question, aside from the knife and the toaster, do either of you get the urge to do things that would most certainly end in certain death all the time um yeah i mean since last march a lot more

um wonder if it's a thing yeah well do you know what mine is um the door on planes you just want to open them to the point of where i'll get up to go to the toilet and i'm in the queue and if i'm next to the people i've got the door and i look at the door and sometimes they'll go can you stand in there well the trolley goes past i'm like i can't it but i can't stand next to the people who've got the door and I look at the door and sometimes they'll go can you stand in there while the trolley goes past and I'm like I can't I can't stand next to that because I just want to open it I can't trust myself I can't trust

it's really to the point of where sometimes I've put my hands in my pockets no Chris it's a real I just want to go fucking come on

like right okay it's really strange we'll be taking separate flights it's really strange next holiday yeah it's like I'd never do it and I wouldn't even I've never even touched the door no I wouldn't even Right, okay. It's really strange. We'll be taking separate flights next holiday. It's really strange. Yeah. It's like, I'd never do it,

and I've never even touched the door. No. I wouldn't even, I don't go anywhere near it, but I stand in it, and I have to turn and look away from it. I wonder what it's called. I don't know,

but I get this urge to do it, and then I play out in my head as if I've done it, and I'm like, oh my God, why have I done it? As I turn around and look away. That's interesting. Yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Ey up, Ramses. Ey up. email from the north I've been asking everyone I know this question and it's divided everyone I didn't do an office poll due to the lack

of an office but I've decided the only people who can truly solve this mystery is you two thank you very much glad to help

absolutely so here it is and I love this question this is one of the best questions we've had for a long time right if you cook two lasagnas then put one on top of the other,

do you have two lasagnas or one big lasagna? Oh, man. Absolutely ridiculous. Love it. I absolutely love this question. Right. You've got one lasagna. You've got one big lasagna. I tell you've got you've got one lasagna do you think you've got one big lasagna i tell you what you've got a fucking mess is what you've got if you think

that's all staying no chance it's gonna be much gonna be about four inches high that's crazy yeah what have you got what you got see isn't it amazing i don't i don't know because i think yeah one lasagna but then so this is he goes on right i think, one lasagna. But then, so this is, he goes on, right? I think one big lasagna. But a lot of people are arguing that the crispy cheese on top of the first lasagna acts as a barrier, separating the two lasagnas. Fucking got so much time on his hands. To which I say, and he's put this very diplomatically,

to which I say, fuck off. Great. Aggressive. If you make one lasagna and put cheese on each layer of sauce, it doesn't stop being a bastard lasagna, does it? But I think, mate, I think what they're doing, son, is they're talking about the crispy top of the lasagna. So you've got your crispy top, you've got your crispy corner bits,

and then, yeah, it is kind of... So imagine putting two Big Macs on top of each other. Your bun with the seeds on the top is the top kind of so imagine putting two Big Macs on top of each other your bun with the seeds on the top is the top and the end of the first Big Mac yeah

I've said this before and I'll say it again what these people don't work they don't work what is it then Rosie is it one big lasagna or is it two lasagnas

on top of each other I think I think it might be two you think it might be two lasagnas I've changed my mind because you're right the cheese bit ddau lasagne ar y gorau ei gilydd? Dwi'n meddwl... dwi'n meddwl efallai y byddai'n ddau. Dwi'n meddwl efallai y byddai'n ddau lasagne. Dwi'n newid fy mhen oherwydd, mae'r bwyd cheese wedi newid y peth i mi. Mae ganddo gwestiwn arall yma. Mae ganddo... nawr, y cwmpas hon.

Dwi'n hoffi'r cwmpas hwn. Ydy'n ddau lasagne neu ddau lasagne? Fel ysgafn. like sheep. I love him. It's two lasagnas. Is it two lasagnas or two lasagna? It's two lasagnas. I've got two lasagna over here.

I can't know. Can it be just making up the English language? Let's say two lasagnas. here I can't know can it be just making up the English language let's say two lasagnas so if it was loads of lasagna in a field it would be a flock of lasagna or a flock of lasagnas

what would it be? I don't care I don't care but people need to know right like cacti no yes

no like sheep so you wouldn't so you'd never say sheeps you'd never say two sheeps No. Right. Like cacti? No. Yes. No. No, because that's changing the word. So you wouldn't, so you'd never say sheeps. You'd never say two sheeps. You'd just say two sheep. Right, okay. So you're saying two lasagnas

or two lasagna. I don't know. Well, I was saying, I was saying two lasagnas, but then when you put it in flock, Yeah. I'd say lasagna. So maybe it is two lasagna.

I can't believe I'm... So one lasagna on top of another lasagna isn't one lasagna. It's two lasagna. So maybe it is two lasagna. I can't believe I'm... So one lasagna on top of another lasagna isn't one lasagna, it's two lasagna. Or is it two lasagnas? How could I get it to stop? Do you know what I'm going to do tonight? Yeah.

When we go to sleep, right, at one point when you're in the deepest sleep you are in, I'm going to shake you awake and I'm going to go, is it lasagna or lasagnas oh do you know i like to call it lasagna lasagna i do remember how to spell it yeah spaghetti you know who we should ask no who we should ask we should ask the italian Italian dinner lady from Fireman Sam, Bella Lasagna. She'll know. If that's her name.

If they call her Bella Lasagna. Come on. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. So me and my boyfriend were at a wedding in a hotel. We had a room in the hotel and after the meal, went up to the room for a bit and things happened. He had a kilt on, which we realised was great for easy access. Ah, right, okay. Rydym wedi cael ystafell yn y hotel ac ar ôl y bwyd, fe wnaethon ni fynd i fyny i'r ystafell am ychydig a gwnaeth pethau. Roedd ganddo chyllt yn ystafell, a gwnaethon ni ei ddysgu yn wych ar gyfer cyfle ddifrifol. Ie, iawn, do, dim peth yn ôl.

I'r penus, rwy'n meddwl. Ie, ydy hyn yn rhwng y gweddain? Mae hyn yn rhwng y dydd a'r nos. Mae'n hyfryd nad yw pobl yn drwg fel rydym ni. Ie, ie, rydym yn amlwg. Rydym yn amlwg yn cael ysgafn. Neu, neu, rydym yn amlwg yn ddim yn sylweddoli bod y nos wedi dechrau. Ie, rydyn ni, ein grwpiau ffrindiau, roeddwn i i gyd yn grwpiau. We're normally having a nap. Or we normally don't realise the night has started.

Yeah, our friendship groups, all of our groups, there's not one... We don't have a sober, chilled group. Don't hang around them. No. That's going to be associated with them. I'm saying they're naps and that. We don't actually go up to the room. We just carry on through the break.

I normally don't realise the night time do is occurring and I will turn to someone and go, I haven't seen you all day. Have you been here? Where have you been? And they go, I've just got here. It's half eight, Chris. It's the night do.

And I go, oh, okay. Yeah. When's the buffet? Yeah. So we went back down and later on his mum asked him what he had spilt on his kilt. We looked down and immediately realised what the white stain was.

On his kilt. Semen, I'm guessing. His mum and granny decided it was white chocolate from the dessert and proceeded to try and clean the stain off. His granny started by licking her fingers and trying to rub it off. No. No. No. I had to play along and try to help while dying inside.

They tried for ages to get the stain out, asking just about all of the guests if they had any ideas what to use. We were absolutely mortified. In the end, they were unsuccessful and it cost us £50 to get it dry cleaned twice. Oh, my word. Dude, what are you eating? What have you spun me now? I know. Christ alive. Is, my word. Dude, what are you eating? What just spunk me now?

I know. Christ alive. Super glue. Goodness me. Who are these? Who's this mother and grandmother who care enough? Just overbearing, aren't they? Just too much.

Well, they knew he'd rented it, so it'll be a rented kilt. So they're like, you've got to get out, you'll get charged. So they're trying to save him 50 quid, but his granny is in a room full of people licking her grandson's off a kilt and she'll never know that she did that he's a fine we lost somebody we lost somebody which you didn't recall

i gave him my mama's engagement ring and me bonnie we come me shawl yeah rank that's disgusting stop it Stop licking stains off people. Why would you do it? Is that... Oh, come on, son. Is that... Oh, get that off. Is that chocolate off?

They're putting it with... Oh, salted caramel. Oh. Ew. The only people's face that I will lick stains off is the kids. Okay. And I don't lick it, but I will get, like, my thumb and do that with it. But they're the only people I will.

Nobody else. You know everyone listening knew you meant lick your finger or a tissue. You know you're just grabbing Robin by the sides of the head and just fucking mauling him with your tongue across the face. I wish you'd eat that gingerbread probably. You've got some itching. Come here, son. Mom!

It's me graduation babadoo babadoo babadoo ba and just like that we've come to the end thank you so so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagmaranoid which is now part of the

Acast Creator Network thank you so much guys we hope you're hanging in there hopefully this shit show can't go on for much longer but can it we don't know either way

just keep on keep your chins up if you can all your chins if you've got double chins I don't know what I'm saying if you want to get in touch at shagmountainaudio.com

we love you to bits thank you for listening and we will be back in your ears next week bye bye Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- evening features her way and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at TorontoRock.com.