Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 105. Coffin Confessors

Episode Date: February 26, 2021

On the podcast this week Rosie revives Rosie's Mysteries with a special canine edition! Chris has been walking much to Rosie's despair and the beefs get tense! There's some spag bowl discussion, a supermarket romance and a funeral tradition that get the guys thinking. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game

and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com Hello, you're listening to Shag, Mind, and Oid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey, who on close inspection over the years and years that we've been together,, Rosie Ramsey and my husband, Chris Ramsey, who on close inspection

over the years and years that we've been together looks a little bit like my brother, which freaks me out a little bit, but at the same time I find a little bit comforting.

Comforting. You've got the same colour hair. Weird. Both got a beard. Weird. No, it is. You do look a bit like him. That's not where it ends.

We actually do. I do look a lot like him. I'll see him in family photos sometimes and I glance and I'll go, that looks a bit like me. Oh i mean you should be ashamed yourself explain yourself we're doing perfect what he says dirty horrible minger i don't think it's got anything to do with that i think it's like a loving thing actually all right yeah i mean or like a keep

it in the family thing yeah i mean you just want our children to look more like you than they do me and they do though they actually do no offense no they do though yeah they do you've done that you've done that you've deliberately picked a partner to mate with let's be honest that's all i am here fucking sperm donor bloody nature documentary around here let me get you up the duff i don't want any more right yeah good me Thanks. Thanks for asking. No options. I don't know. Do you think we will?

What? Have any more? Do you know what it is? I've found the second so much easier than the first time round. Rafe's just slotting. He's no bother. I forget he's here. Exactly.

I know people go, he's no bother. You forget he's here. And you go, oh, that's a funny thing to say. I literally forget that he's here. Yeah. To know people go he's no bother you forget he's here and you go oh that's a funny thing to say I literally forget that he's here

to the point of where I hear a noise and I'm like the fuck was that oh I've got a baby. Yeah we've got a new baby. I mean I don't forget he's here

in the middle of the night when he wants feeding. I don't know what you know about that because you're in a different fucking room because Captain Nightshift here

Chris Ramsey That's not a name that's going to stick so let's stop that. Captain Nightshift Admiral Nightshift? None ofshift. Admiral Nightshift? None of them. Lieutenant Nightshift? No, Mr. Putting the Graft in

because he broke his ankle. Right. One week in. Yeah, one week in. Ten days in. You're just on the back shift for a while. Yeah. That's all it is. Okay. I'll be back. Okay. Captain Twilight. Lieutenant Twilight. Whatever. If you want a name, just fucking give yourself a name. Look, I'm going to workshop a few different names. Right. Make some name badges. I'll get back to you. Is that alright? Yeah, i'll get back to you all right yeah yeah yeah good happy days it was a thing you said

to me the idea that really made me think did i i've always thought i don't ever want a third but you said a thing to me the idea while i was holding ray if you're like this is the last time we will have a six-week-old every age he hits it's the last time we'll have one of them i know because robin's a he's a fucking bloke now he's literally age he hits, it's the last time we'll have one of them. That's a bit sad, isn't it? There's a little bit of us inside that one. I know. Because Robin's a fucking bloke now. He's literally a bloke. Robin has hit the point of you are no longer a baby,

toddler. Big time. He's a full on child. Yeah. Farts like a bloke. He poos like a bloke. That's disgusting. So does Grave.

Unbelievable. I would love a front bum one day just had to work away to join the team just an awful sentence just an awful

I'd love a front bum to join the team just an awful sentence you mean you want a girl at some point

I'd like a girl at some point gee took me by surprise that did I'd love a front bum at one day because it was weird

for a moment I was like but you've got a front bum I'd love another I'd love an ally yeah but you hear about these people

and they go yeah we'll have a girl next bit and they keep trying and they end up with a fucking football team of boys yeah that's true

no I don't want a girl that I was never that I mean I just think it's nice to have a girl to experience both sexes but then at the same time

I'm absolutely over the moon that I've got two lovely beautiful boys so I'm not living in the world of I'm desperate for a girl but it would have been nice just because I'm so close

with my mum and my sister you know and I know that my brother yeah I know but you never ring your mum we've spoke about this before you never just ring your mum and be like

do you want to go for a cuppa you never just ask how she is no my brother doesn't with my mum either so that upsets us it's her job to ask how I am

I'm not asking how she is it's her job that's horrible how dare she I'm joking I'm not asking how she is it's her job that's horrible how dare she I'm joking I'm joking I'm joking I'm joking

I know it's different for boys it is though we don't like you and your mum are like mates yeah I know

and I've had two boys am I going to have a mate are they going to be my mate let them be my mates no I'm sorry do you know how it is nah I see

listen I'm an only child I have no brothers and sisters grown up and I'm not as close to my mum as you are Let me have my mates. No, why? Oh, sorry. Do you know what it is? Oh, I see. I see what you're saying. Listen, I'm an only child. I have no brothers and sisters. I've grown up. It's not my fault. And I'm not as close to my mum as you are. So let me have this. Let me have my two little mates.

Oh, what? And I just have to put in all the sacrifice in the graft for you to have a couple of friends? Yeah. Yeah. Sad act. Yeah. Yeah. No.

So there you go. What are you going to do? Steal my friends, girls. Oh, God. It would be, yeah. People who have got daughters can I hang around with you two it's auntie Rosie

I've told them already genuinely when they were born I was like so spa days in the future you invite me brilliant right you've just already third wheeled yourself

to the spa days of babies I really I genuinely text them when they were born it was like congratulations so spa days girls in the future great

I'm coming got you shopping days holidays it's nice to have a plan hen do's good all of that

sounds like I'm going to have some spare time on my hands what's wrong I just I used to get really annoyed at hen do's because they were just a bit of a hindrance

but honestly yeah I'd give anything for a hen do there's been a lot of that hasn't there like honestly, I'd give anything for a hindrance. There's been a lot of that, hasn't there? Like I said, literally the emails I've had about one of my sponsors being staying in. Everyone's like, why not? And I'm like, no, you're right.

I'm never cancelling plans again when this shit's all over. I mean, give us a year. Yeah, factually I. Don't quote one that. Honestly, if this is all back to normal by next Christmas I can't guarantee that I'll be at all the dues can I

I just can't promise that I will like will you oh it's gonna be hell on yeah I'm gonna be the person who has the baby or the child

in the corner asleep in a chair and people are going look at his terrible father take that child home I'll be like no look I've pulled two chairs together

that's like a bed same as his bed he's sleeping on that we're staying till six in the fucking wall. He's got six coats on him. He's fine. Yeah, get another coat on. Yeah, if you need your coat, be quiet.

Yeah, go and get your tabs out the pocket. It's all right. Be fine. Definitely. Guys, it's episode 105. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you're still hanging in. Hope you're all right out there.

I know we've had a bit of good news. We'll talk about that later. Boris has been on. Is he lying? Is he telling the truth? Who fucking knows? He needs his haircut, though. Now, without going further. Can we talk about that later. Boris has been on. Is he lying? Is he telling the truth? Who fucking knows? He needs his haircut though. Now, without going further.

Can we talk about that just really quickly? Of course we can. Can we all, as a country, I know that hairdressers are shut. I know obviously social distancing and all that bullshit. Yeah.

Can we just let Boris get his haircut? Can we COVID test a hairdresser the day before and let him get his fucking hair cut? Why don't we put him in a box, you know, like the beginning of The Simpsons, where Homer's got his two hands in the gloves

through the box. At the lab. Yeah, at the power plant. Yes. Just put him in one of them, put the gloves in, the scissors in with him. He hands the scissors to the person with the gloves on and they just quickly fucking just give him a trim.

Because it's not good. He's like a naughty professor. Yeah, it's mad. I can't take it. He is the leader of this country. Yeah. And I kind of take him seriously. It's almost like he's got the naughty professor just give the lad a trim yeah it's mad I can't he is the leader of this country yeah and I kind of take him seriously it's almost like

he's got a big brother who's bigger than him and harder than him right yeah and he doesn't respect that he's prime minister at all and he's like

I'm about to go up and do the briefing and his brother gets him in a headlock and goes and just nuggies him really quick yeah you fucking

fat toss I think you're prime minister yeah you're ours you're a little fucking wanker remember who's your big brother get out and he walks out and he's like bloody little fucking wanker. Remember who's your big brother? Get out. And he walks out and he's like, bloody hell.

And he's like, like flustered because his big brother has just had a minute. Rupert, man. Yeah, Rupert. You'd definitely be called Rupert. Yeah. That to me is exactly why he looks like that.

Right. Okay. We've solved it. Right. Well, just let him have it. Good. Guys,

it's episode 105. Without going any further, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Lucrative. Lucrative. This week's sponsor is... Babies holding their breath for no reason whatsoever. Yeah.

Fucking pack it in. They love that. Guys, guys, all the babies out there. All the babies listening. This is for all the babies out there. Shout out to my babies out there. Stop doing it. I'm sick of Rafe doing it.

Feeding him his bottle and he's his bottle. What do you mean? So he'll go. And I'm like, fine. He's like freaking the fuck out. And I'm like, you should have breathed. Stop holding your breath. Stop doing it. He stares at me, you know.

Yeah. Honestly, he's so obsessed with it. Just catch him staring at us. Just, I'll be, but then I feel bad. I'm so obsessed with him. Just catch him staring at us. It's the worst thing you've ever said. Just, I'll be, but then I feel bad because when I feed him, I watch the telly, but then I look down at him and he's like staring at us and I'm like, do I have to have eye contact with you the whole time? I know exactly what you mean.

Am I a bad man? I watch, if I'm watching the telly and I look down, he's like, still here, mate. I know. Still here, by the way. What are you doing? Why are you ignoring us? I feel terrible, so then I look at him for a bit.

Yeah, I do. And I'm like, I'm missing the time. Then he looks away. But he does that thing as well. Sometimes he looks like just above your head. He does it on a night. So when I'm doing the night feed, sometimes I'll be changing him or whatever. And he looks like behind us.

And I'm like, I'm like freaking out. Oh, don't. He looks like behind us. No, no, he does. He does that thing where he looks behind you. Well, children see ghosts shut up they do

shut up they do you don't know this how do you know this because I've been a child myself shut the fuck up I'm not having this get the jingle on

before I fuck you do you remember all of them stories when you were a kid yeah and there'd be other kids and they'd be like this little woman

comes and sits at the bottom of me bed oh god yeah be like is there though it's when adults tell me the bottom of me bed? Oh God, yeah. Be like, is there though? It's when adults tell me that. It's when adults go, yeah, our son saw a ghost. He was five.

He was staying in an old hotel and he said an old lady came and chatted in one bit. Look, I've got a five-year-old. I know how much fucking shit they talk. You believe him? Are you crazy? God.

What gets me, this happens a lot on my Instagram. I know this is the intro, sorry, but I have to address this, right? Yeah. I have had a child of all ages up to five, right? Yeah, yeah. He's quite switched on.

He's a clever little kid, right? He is, yeah. People message me or comment on stuff. It happens all the time on Instagram. And they go, my two-year-old just watched this video and said, and they'll put in what they've said. And I'm like, they didn't. Yeah. They haven't said that. Yeah yeah there's a lot of that no two-year-old or three-year-old would ever come

out with that yeah and that that annoys is actually because i just think why why you say why are you lying yeah why are you lying why are you writing your two-year-old's material but honestly it doesn't happen no like what that's an example oh i don't know my my two-year-old just said oh isn't that hilarious mommy i would love one of it no they didn't i don't know that's a that's a bad example i can't think of an example off the top of my head but you're just like that didn't happen my two-year-old just said that didn't look like they were keeping their distance in that video we should should report them, mummy. It is, that's more along the lines of it, actually, and you go, that never happened.

Well, you know, it's a sign of the times, isn't it? A sign of the times. Get this jingle on and let's fucking crack on. Here's the jingle. Bang. My two-year-old just said, My two-year-old just said, this intro's a bit long.

Put the jingle on. And then they run. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle!

Hello, welcome back. You're listening to Shag Marinoid. Hi. Lovely to have you. Hope you're all okay and keeping well. Keeping well. At the minute. Yeah.

There's light at the end of the tunnel. Oh, what's that feeling? What's that feeling in your tummy? Is it indigestion? It's more hope. Oh, I haven't felt this since they announced the vaccine. What's going to happen? We'll see.

We'll see. I mean, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that we can stick to it and get back to some sort of normality and genuinely just hope everyone's all right. It's been a really hard year. And if you're feeling down, if you're feeling a bit confused, if you're feeling a bit anxious. It's all right.

It's all right to feel all of them things. But weirdly, happy at the same time. I'm really at a really happy point in my life. Yeah. Got a lovely new baby. Sorry, are you are you are you about to say

that you quite enjoy lockdown? No, no, no, no. Because I'm going to burn this house down. No, no. Right, good, right. I loathe lockdown. I'll sit back down.

A double L lockdown. I'll sit up there. Yeah. So I know what you mean. You've got to try and focus on the good things. So if you've got some good things out there, try and focus on them. We just hope you've got some good things out there try and focus on them

we just hope you're all alright we hope you're having a laugh and we're just trying to do the same highlighted by what have you been up to? nothing me neither absolutely nothing

ok let's crack on so we thought this week we're not going to talk about random shade and we're just going to crack on because we've got some amazing questions. We've got some fantastic questions. Because we have a lovely lady

who now sifts through all of the emails and picks out absolute gems. We finally handed it over, haven't we? Yeah, we had to. It was Rafe, tipped us over the edge. Yeah, not that we were getting any hate. If anything, it was more there was just random emails saying, oh, you know, keep up the good work.

It was them blackhead adverts that tipped me over the edge. What do you mean? Do you remember when I just got loads of messages

asking if I wanted to advertise blackheads? Oh, yeah. So every time I went through the emails, it was people wanting to do collaborations with you on Instagram.

And I was like, I'm fucking sick of this. I was like, not only do I have to be in the house when you're flogging any old shite to people down

the internet. I'll have you know, I do not flog any old shite to people down the internet. I'll have you know, I do not flog any old shite. You are, man. You're selling yourself. I really don't. Salute! Salute!

Right, really? I'm joking. You've actually kept a proof of warheads. Not saying that again. First time I've said it, not saying it again. You're welcome. I'm glad I'm finally...

Didn't say thank you. However, we've got some awesome questions coming up and we haven't really been up to much so we hope you're alright keep continuing to like, rate and subscribe Rosie's very angry

about something I did this week so she can't wait to get in the beef sections but first it's the return of oh hang on god she hasn't even

got it fucking ready she hasn't even got it ready no I have now I'm doing it I'm doing it live. She's doing it live. Because I haven't got my phone over there.

She's got a laptop on her shoulder, like a violin. Here we go. Well, this is how you know that we're a couple working together and with a new baby because Rafe and Robin are at me mum's, but we have to have our phone on aeroplane mode when we do the podcast. So my phone is at the other side of the room on, just in case anything happens. So I can't have my phone next to us.

And that's got all me stuff on, Chris. It's got all your content. It's got all your edited jingles and contents. It's got all me jingles, all your jingle jangles. All your beds. All your beds. How do you know that?

That's radio terminology. I've been in a radio thing, yeah. I've been in a radio thing. Gen I've been in a radio thing genuinely right I'll tell you about a time I made a fool of myself and so obviously for those who don't know

if you hear people talking on if you hear like Greg James or whatever anyone on a big radio station talking but the radio hosts are available yeah but I like Greg

Nick Grimshaw as well I like them both they're my favourites if they're talking away and they've got music behind them just pittering away that's called a bed right now I learned that the hard way so when i first started stand-up russell

kane a friend of mine russell kane had the uh he had a show on q radio or something right and i'd literally just started and i was supporting him he said you want to come and get interviewed on my radio show and i was like oh it's amazing and as i was going in bless him he's so nice he was so helpful right i know what you're gonna say as i was going in he him he was so nice he was so helpful right I know what you're going to say as I was going in he went right I've told them that you did radio at uni right and that you're an upcoming comic

and that you do you know loads about reading you're really good so if you just do a really good interview here and just you know have a really good laugh they might end up

either letting you cover my show when I'm not doing it or like giving you your own show so he was so supportive for new comics he supported me well I supported him Carl Hilton supported him carlton

supported him ian sterling rob beckett shout out russell king he did help everyone a lot right yeah so he said that it was he went i told them all you know your stuff and that's all come on they might give you a show and i went in and literally they said um the the lady producing it went right i've got the beds ready and i went beds beds are lying down beds where the beds i'm not doing seats and he fucking looked at us in his eyes. He was like, you stupid fucking prick. And she went,

no, that's the music that goes underneath. And she like, looked at Russell and Russell looked at the floor and I was like, yeah, I didn't do radio at uni. You moron.

Never did it again. I was never on that radio show again. No, I'm not surprised. Well, I ain't done! Tosser. I hate meself. I'd have hated you more then as well because you were

a pain in the arse that's nice that's nice no but I can hear you wouldn't said exactly that really loud as well yeah really loud

and obnoxiously really loud and obnoxiously yeah yeah yeah anyway here's Rosie Mystery feel free to join in not at home I meant Chris

but you can at home as well okay okay I meant you okay here we go. It's time for Rosie's Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries.

We're in the middle of lockdown. Lockdown. Lockdown. It's utter fucking shit. Fucking shit. Fucking shit. But you know what? What? What? It's time for Rosie's Mysteries, bitch. No, didn't like that. Anti-climactic. Should have thought this through, shouldn't I?

Through, shouldn't I? Shouldn't I? Shouldn't I? Should we leave this on for the full five minutes? Definitely fucking not. Definitely not. Definitely not. Get it off now.

Now. Okay, I'm going to turn it off. I'm going to turn it off. Let's see if this works. No, it didn't. You didn't want a big end in there it just ended abruptly and shit that was shocking

good fucking god I like it I like it oh god come on then I'm really excited for Rosie's Mystery because I haven't had one

I think this is the first of 21 is it? this might be the first Rosie's Mystery of 2021 because you've been lazy you know not going through the emails not doing your mysteries

very lazy do you know what it is? I was really naive. I know we've said, Ray, if he's no bother, but still we've got a baby. It's the time that they take up. Yeah, you can't get anything done.

And then with homeschooling Robin, I have not got time. Do you want to fucking swallow off air, Christopher? What? Was I swallowing? Could you hear me swallowing? Yes! Sorry. Shall I hold my breath? Do you want to fucking swallow off air, Christopher? What? You are. Was I swallowing? Could you hear me swallowing?

Yes. Sorry. Shall I hold my breath? Shall I hold my breath? Right. Come on then. I'm excited for Rosie's mystery. That was me wetting my whistle.

Anyway, all I'm saying is. Can I just say I was drinking up my Shag Marino water bottle as well. I know you are. Very on brand. All I'm saying is, we're back doing the podcast. That's me level right now. I can't do anything else. Just the podcast. Yeah, I mean, maternity leave was non-existent i'm i'm knackered chris

knackered did me breaking my ankle 10 days into your maternity leave did that help or hinder absolutely hindered me whole life just checking still is just fuck you good right here we go now i don't want to give away the first bit because this has got something to do with what we're talking about. The mystery has something to do with what we're talking about last week. Oh, okay. All right? Okay.

Okay, so take on... Topical mystery. Topical mystery. Okay. Dear Rosie, Chris and the Baines. Right. They're not listening, but okay. Now, something that we talked about last week

has reminded this girl of a story of her poor old grandad's dog, Amber. Oh God. Who's sadly passed away now, but this story always has them howling with laughter whenever it's brought up. So here it goes. Amber was an old dog for as long as I can remember.

Bit harsh. She never looked young, that dog that dog honestly always looked rough there is some dogs like that though isn't it i know what you mean someone who's never been young like forever yeah i know what you mean yeah yeah some dogs are little old souls do you know what i mean like i'm often i'm often the way i'm jealous of people who've got kids who are really chilled i'm often jealous of people who just get got a dog that's basically like a cat. They want to find a sunspot. Yeah, just sleeps in that and doesn't give a shit.

I think, yeah, you've jackied it there. You've jackied it. I have no idea what breed she was. Got you. There's not that many breeds of dogs. There's fucking loads, you lunatic. Yes, and then there's crossbreeds as well. There's loads of breeds of dogs. There's not that many, though. There's fucking loads. There's fucking loads, you lunatic. Yes, and then there's crossbreeds as well. There's loads of breeds of dogs. There's not that

many, though. There's fucking loads! There's main ones, though. What? Yeah. No, I'm not being funny. You can cover... There's main breeds of dogs. What do you mean, man? Like, our way, we live in England, right? What you got? Cocker Spaniel, Jack Russells, Golden

Retrievers, Labradors, Poodles, Shih Tzus, Cockatoos. Cockatoos! No, that's a bird. Do you know what I mean? There's not that many Dalmatians. I don't like dogs and I know all the names of the dogs. Yeah, you don't like dogs and you've just named about fucking nine off the belt,

and you've left loads out. St. Bernard's, Rottweiler, Doberman. Yeah. But we, as humans, know all of the names of these dogs. If somebody you knew had a dog, your grander has a dog, you know what breed the dog is. Right, so why are you getting so angry?

Because what a stupid, stupid girl. What do you mean? Because she doesn't know it. Oh, no, Amber, the dog that's had my granddad's dog that we all loved so much

sadly passed away. What was she? Don't know. Well, you don't love her. You never loved that dog. Right, I understand. I thought you were angry because she was saying

to us she doesn't know what breed it is. But you're angry that she didn't know the breed, right? I get it, right? Yeah, that's totally valid. Sorry, I thought you were like, well, I should tell she doesn't know what breed it is but you're angry that she didn't know the breed. Yes. I get it. Yeah, that's totally valid. Sorry, I thought you were like,

well, I should tell her I don't care about the breed. You're like, literally, invest in that dog. Absolutely. I'm sorry. Know what breed your granddad's dog was.

All right, yes. How many dogs do you know? That's like saying... How many dogs do you know? No, but that's like saying I've got a cousin. What's the name? Don't know.

Well, didn't we talk about this in the podcast? Didn't you ever give me the idea because I didn't know my nana and grandda's names? I mean, that's the most... Yes, I think we did talk about it. And I still cannot get my head around the fact that you did not know your grandparents' names. Didn't know the first names. Didn't know the first names. That's awful.

Bad, isn't it? Shocking. So, hey, if who do you think you are are listening, you don't have to do much research if you want me on the show. One generation back, didn't even know the fuckers. Honestly, Chris's jaw will drop when he finds out what the did and what the names are. Really?

Wow. And that's my dad's dad? Can't believe that. It's so long ago, isn't it? I barely think of it. You can't believe this happened. That's disgusting, Chris. That is disgusting.

I'm bad. It's bad. It is bad. I know my best friend's grandparents' names. You're just nosy. You're fucking nosy. No, because I take the time to invest. This fucker doesn't even know our grandad's dog breed anyway it says here

I have no idea what breed she was but her fur was short and curly and the colour of amber hence the name brilliant do you know what that is

this is the version this is this is a dog version of I saw a lovely car today what kind of car it was red what kind of car? It was red. Yeah. What kind of car though?

What make? Don't know. Don't know. It was red though. Fucking shut up. Like, yeah, yeah, yeah. She spent most of her days sleeping. Love her.

I love this dog. I don't even know what breed she is, but I love her. She's lovely, isn't she? Yeah. One day, my granddad is on the phone to us. He's really worried about her. She's got some sort of growth

slash tumour on her side. As cancer is common in all dogs, we feared the worst for poor Amber. Yeah. Mae hi'n cael rhyw fath o dyfyniad neu ffwrdd ar ei ddwylo. Fel mae cancer yn gyffredinol yn ddau oedolion, rydyn ni'n gobeithio'r peth gorau am Amber. Roedd fy mab sy'n ymwneud â hwn yn cymryd hi i'r ffeddyg a chyflawni popeth. Roedd y ffeddyg yn ymwneud â dyfyniad am Amber. Roedd y ffrwd yn ymdrech wrth ei gael y canlyniadau. Roedd y ffeddyg yn edrych ar fy mab a dweud gy yw hyn ddim yn ffyniad. Mae hyn yn...

Dyma'r faterion. Mae hyn yn y faterion. Rwy'n gwneud y llwybr. Rwy'n gwneud y llwybr. Mae hyn yn y faterion. Mae hyn yn y faterion. Mae hyn yn y faterion. Mae hyn yn y faterion. Mae hyn yni'r dog, mae'r grand yn teimlo'r llwg, felly mae'n rhaid i'r dog fod rhywbeth,

nid yn unig ysgafn sydd wedi'i droi. Mae'n gweld rhywbeth sy'n edrych ar y lle ac mae'n poeni. Mae'n... Gwyddo. Nid yw'n ysgafn, mae'n fach. Had on It's not a dick is it It's a boy No I feel like I feel like if it was a tick Or something like that It's small Yeah but this wouldn't be

A Rosie's Mystery If it was just something like that No I've got no fucking idea Is it like Is it like a lolly Or a I bet it's like a

Werther's Original Or something Stuck in its fur I'm going with that I'm going with Werther's Original I'm going Look at you

You are so ageist I'm going ageist And I'm going Werther's Original Stuck in its fur because that's what old men do wow they do though they're so stuck like my gran i used to have black bullets in his car you're joking on you you've got them you're oh i love where there's originals and sucky sweets anyway so um the vet eventually looked my granddad in the eye and said with a straight face this isn't a tumour, this is a Jaffa cake.

Do I get half a point? Sort of. I've got to get half a point there. Annoyingly, yes. Can I just say, never ever has a happy ending been so happy to the story. On this dog, it's not a tumour.

Here's your happy ending and here's a hilarious, it's a Jaffa. How the fuck did he not know? Well, it turns out that sleepy Amber had fallen asleep on top of a Jaffa cake and the chocolate side had melted into her fur. Fucking Jaffa.

He took another van. Are you talking to the vet? He's been sitting in the waiting room. He's been in the waiting room with the vet and people have been looking going, there's a fucking Jaffa King on that dog. You smell orange. How long did it take the vet? How long did it take the vet to realise?

It must have been instant. Did they say they did tests? It can't be. It must have been instantaneous. Yeah. Like, don't shut the door. The vet examined the growth. The growth.

Don't sit down. It's a fucking jaffa cake. Don't sit down. I can say it from a mile off. You're my third one today. Come on. Don't worry, if you can just look at my back as well, I've got a bit of eczema.

It's a slice of pizza. It's a slice of pizza. Can you get out? Fucking run the hoover around your house, will you? I prescribe you a day of cleaning, you dirty Jaffa Cake flawed fucker. Fucking Jaffa Cake. Poor dog.

Dogs hate going to the vets as well. That poor dog sitting there going, oh shit, I'm in the vets. I hate it here. Does this give us any inkling into what breed that Amber was? Oh, it's the same colour as the Jaffa cake. Right.

Well, that doesn't help. The roll doesn't must have been short hair. Right. So it must have been short, really short hair.

But I was thinking it would be long hair because the Jaffa cake, you know. No, but it would hang, if it was long hair, the Jaffa,

it would like, if you pulled the Jaffa cake, the hair would stand up. Right, okay. So it must have been short. So if you imagine like a boxer dogwch. Ie, iawn. Felly, mae'n rhaid i'r cwch... Felly, os ydych chi'n dychmygu'r dog bwc, Ie. gyda'r cwch mor bach, y cwch yn hynod o fel felfeddy,

Ydych chi'n gwybod, fel swaid. Ie, ie. Os ydych chi wedi llwyddo'r cwch ymlaen yn gywir, roedd yn yr un cwch yn ymlaen. Ie. Ar hynny, byddwch chi'n meddwl, o, dyna'r llwm drwm mawr. Ie. Sard ysgafn.

Rwy'n hoffi cwch ymlaen, rydych chi'n gwybod? Byddai'n dda i chi ddewis Would you have ate that Jaffa Cake off the dog? You would have ate it, wouldn't you? Probably. That's a chilled out dog to lie on a Jaffa Cake and not eat the Jaffa Cake. That, to me, that says to me that that dog gets a lot of Jaffa Cakes.

Or just doesn't like Jaffa Cakes. Or doesn't like Jaffa Cakes. Jesus Christ. Not everybody does. Wow. Other biscuits to melt onto your dog's skin are available. Don't. Don't fucking say it's not a biscuit or a cake. I don't

care about that. I'm sick of people saying Jaffa Cakes biscuits are cakes. I'll tell you what they are. They're fucking disgusting. Get them in the sea. Eh? Get them in the sea. Disgusting. You don't like Jaffa Cakes? Are you joking me? I hate everything orange apart from oranges. You've ate Jaffa Cakes. You both. I have never.

You flip them out. How dare you. I've never eaten a jacket what I've never I've had one at school once oh you have so you have dickhead not when you've known

you know when you can get the little Jaffa Cake minis in the little orange things loved them a mate of mine at school was like oh yeah Jaffa Cake and I bit it

and I was like that's the worst thing the chocolate's disgusting it's like dark chocolate horrible I love Jaffa Cakes that orange thing in the middle

it's like it's not even a biscuit it's like a manky spongy bit of love Jaffa Cakes. That orange thing in the middle. It's not even a biscuit. It's like a manky, spongy bit of shit. It's a cake. I can't get them in the sea. Little mini cake. Get them in the sea. Room 101, Jaffa Cakes. You need to have a word with yourself.

Terry's Chocolate Orange can fuck off and all while we're here. You've got a Terry's Chocolate Orange in the fridge. I know. I didn't realise how much there was. They're fucking dense. You can put a window out with that. They're beautiful. You went, go and get me two bits. And I was like, that'll be all of it then. There's about 40 bits in one. Oh, they're fucking dense you can put a window out with that you went go and get me two bits

and I was like that'll be all of it then there's about 40 bits in one of them oh they're amazing you give them a quick whack on the table and they come apart

like a work of art to be honest it's got orange get your fruit out of me chocolate I've said it before get your fruit get your fruit out of me chocolate get it off me dessert plate

get it out of me face if I want a bit of fruit I'll go and have a bit of fruit get it out of me chocolate I don't mind it mate it's when I'm older get of fruit. Get it out my chocolate. No, I don't mind it, mate. It's when I'm older. Get your mint out my chocolate as well.

No, don't. Yeah, get your mint out my chocolate. You're kidding me. And get your mint off my Sunday dinner. Fries, chocolate, mint, cream. Oh, yeah.

Get it in the sea. Get your mint off my Sunday dinner. I can't sit next to you when you're putting mint jelly on your food. That's a different, that's being a beef,

hasn't it? Disgusting, I don't know. Mint should be. Get off. Oh, do you want this, do you want this bar of chocolate? I let us just brush my teeth first so it tastes like fucking shit. Exactly what mint chocolate is.

No. Do you know what an after eight? Don't like them. You, what the fuck? They're horrible. What is it? It's literally toothpaste inside a chocolate. It's not.

It's delicious. Dark chocolate as well. I love dark chocolate. Nah, it goes against it being sweet. It goes against the whole thing. I'm not having this. Nah. Right, let's stop.

Okay? I'm saying Amber this. Nah. Right, let's stop. Okay? I'm saying Amber was a border terrier. Right, okay then. A cream one. Can you get cream ones? Can you get cream ones?

Can you ask for one of them? Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah! You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,

followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things.

Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying.

Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen.

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at torontorock.com. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef, you little arsehole? Jesus Christ, wow. Was that aggressive? Really loud as well. Sorry to everyone listening. Sorry there, but oh, goodness me.

Sorry about that. You are, I mean, you literally have been banging on about this beef all week, so let's hear it. Go on, let's hear it. Oh, so Christopher, yes,

this is a very serious beef. What's your beef? You're going to turn this round, but I'm seriously, genuinely annoyed that you did this, but I know you're going to turn it on us

and you're going to try. Just because I'm a wordsmith. Right. So, my beef with you this week is, obviously you broke your ankle yeah a few weeks ago the week after rave was born very very inconsiderate on the whole family during lockdown yeah cunt right sorry sorry mom sorry nana not sorry dad because like we said don't listen and

your mom and dad don't listen yeah we're not bitter fuck you anyway so you've got a broken ankle you've still a broken ankle. You've still got your boot on. Yeah. I still put my boot on outside the house now. I don't put it on inside the house. You have been telling me that you can't do certain things. Yeah.

You've been getting very frustrated around the house. Can't do this, can't do that. You've cried a little bit. Let's be honest. You've shed a few tears. I'm not scared to say. No, no, no. It was an accumulation of everything. Yeah.

Yeah. Tell everyone. Tell everyone not scared to say. No, no, no. It was an accumulation of everything, but yeah. Tell everyone. Tell everyone what you did yesterday. What did you do yesterday on your broken ankle? Yesterday, I, for charity. No, take that bit out. For charity. No.

Yesterday, I walked. How long? Two miles. How far? Two miles. Two miles? You told me it was a mile we did too

because I felt good you can shut fuck what I'm sorry I'm sorry charity or no charity it was for red nose day

Chris you have been hobbling round this house right trying to get sympathy from me and I've been giving it

to no avail have you bollocks I have how many cups of tea have I made for you recently too many actually you're actually getting better at them you've made that many

exactly and I never wanted that to happen trust me never wanted that I never wanted to be good at making tea for you no because then people expect a cup of tea all the time

you walked two miles on that foot in that boot. I did. You twat. I know I probably shouldn't have. I know my physio will probably tell us off when he hears this, but it was Red Nose Day. Red Nose Day, Comic Relief got in touch,

said there's a guy called Billy Mongez who was a racing driver, 17-year-old, big shout out to the lad, lost both his legs, and then he's doing this massive triathlon thing and they said look he's going to be walking

doing a bit of his walking in Newcastle will you meet him at the Angel of the North because that's where we all hang out up here and will you walk with him for a bit

so I did I walked with him see that's when it gets really hard because you know you can't be annoyed you can't really be annoyed at that

I picked it very very carefully Rosie I didn't just go for a two mile walk because I'm a maniac. I picked a charity thing so you couldn't really specifically get annoyed because I'm very clever. Do you understand why I was a little bit annoyed? Well, the worst bit is I did agree to it about three weeks ago.

Yeah. Yeah, you said yes to it a while ago, which I said, Chris. I did. I understand. I think it's great. I think he's amazing. When we found out about it, we it's great I think he's amazing what we you know we've when we found out about it

we've looked into it and he's fantastic and can't wait for you all to see it but obviously I was a little bit like you broke your ankle should you be going

for a mile now you've gone two miles well you know two mile walk the way it was they kept asking Rosie they kept asking

the producers and stuff like are you going to be okay on your ankle I was like the lads it's a double amputee I'll be all right yeah like stop I as we're walking man they were going are you okay Chris I was going will you stop fucking asking us you nutcases this lack he was amazing oh what's he tell us he was such a what a kid man yeah such a lovely kid 17 when he lost both his legs I don't want to give it too much away because he

explains I ask him a question when we're walking together and he blew me mind it blew me mind but the resilience I would have checked out

I would have completely checked out the resilience and yeah brilliant did it make I know gosh this is going

to sound terrible did it make you feel better about your it made me feel worse it made me feel worse about the

way I reacted when I broke my ankle it made us feel really pathetic actually you know what I'm glad

you went I'm glad there you are there's you come on he made us feel pathetic yeah he's brilliant it's so it's a cliche to throw around the word like inspiration whenever you see people you see people on the telly going i'm inspired you know their job isn't to inspire us but he really did make us feel pathetic for the times in the past when i haven't had motivation what a kid man you'll see it on telly it'll be on it'll be on soon on bbc one it was great the best bit was someone fell over. One of the cameramen,

because we're walking on the street and they're all, this whole camera crew are walking behind. Well, it's all your distance. Don't worry. They're all walking. They actually,

they isolated for 10 days, the whole crew, so they were together. Cool. Yeah. So they were all walking backwards with the cameras and at one point,

one of the photographers fell over and literally Billy went, whey! And I was like like fucking get in son get in I'm looking forward to watching that

so yeah but yeah I'm looking forward to watching that but you're angry that I did it today I'll tell you what I'm angry that you said

yesterday or three weeks ago when you are still Mr I can't get up and feed Rave and you are still hobbling around the bedroom making loads of noise I'm making up for it now

I'm doing all the night feeds you're doing the night feeds have we spoke about why you're doing the night feeds did making up for it now? Am I doing all the night feeds? You're doing the night feeds. Have we spoke about why you're doing the night feeds? Yeah, we have. Did we speak about it last week? So I can sleep the full day away. So you can sleep your day away.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I get the... I just need to get a March the 8th quicker so that I know my son's back at school so I don't feel sad every day. Honestly, I think it's quite nice

for us to have time apart. You know what it is? Yeah, I think so. Like I say, Beverly Hills Cop 1 and 2 being watched in order. Beverly Hills Cop 3, it's on the recorder.

I'm ready for it. Great. It's now time for my beef. What's your beef? My beef with you. I noticed this yesterday. I've noticed it a few times and it really solidified in my brain yesterday. You.

Yes. Every time I leave the house. Not often enough, in my opinion. Brilliant. Every time I leave the house not often enough in my opinion brilliant every time I leave the house you tell us to take my key if I come back and I don't have my key

you're very annoyed about it it's been your beef one week I think you still do it all the time sometimes I just genuinely forget my key that's what I do

if I know you're in I know you're there to answer the door one day I'm not going to be here Chris is that a threat no it's a promise oh do you remember when Twat used to say that Is that a threat? No, it's a promise.

Oh, do you remember when Twat used to say that in school? Is that a threat? No, it's a promise. You're talking to me, I'll turn on a brick. Because either way, you're going to lose some teeth. So, right, I realised this yesterday. You go out and you take your key with you. Every single time without fail, you always take your key.

Whether it's the back door key, whether it's the front door key, whatever. However, you might as well not take your key because when you come back from wherever you've been regardless of where you've been five minutes prior to your arrival I'll get a phone call and a list of things to do

to roll out the red carpet the welcoming committee Chris just said you know I'm five minutes away can you get and can you put and can you get us...

It's literally like, you know when they return from fucking shooting in Downton Abbey and all of them have to line up outside. And it's literally like that. I don't know who the fuck you think you are sometimes. Right. Sick of it. What do I ask for? Just fucking all kinds of things.

Can you put the oven on? And can you get us out... And I'm coming back. And can you come out and help with the shopping? And can you get us out of here? And I'm coming back. And can you come out and help with the shopping? And can you get Robert to just fucking come home and do that when you get back? You'll be staffed. You have never, in the whole time we've been together.

What, man, what? In the whole time we've been together, you have never left and then just came back in. Yes, I have. And have been like, oh, that's her back. Yes, I have. Never, never. I get a phone call and a list of shit to do.

Whatever. Get the carpet out. Put the blinds open. Put the flag at half mast. I'm returning. This is not true. Get all the footmen out. Get the footmen outside to queue up and wait for us.

Have I just thought I've got loads to do? No. And I just want a little helping hand. So I'm not being funny. You don't understand how ovens work. You have to. I do. He don't.

I've never been so insulted in all my life what do you mean i don't know how ovens work okay well you don't understand right let's put this way you don't understand how to run a household and how timings of the household work right if i know i'm coming home i'd like the oven on so that it can preheat so that i can put the tea in straight away so that we've not got to wait an extra extra 10 minutes for the oven to heat up before I put the food in. Okay, that's all I'm asking for. And sometimes if I ask for the bath, just to be started, because I'd just like to get a head start on my bath.

I asked you once to run me a bath, and you went fucking ballistic. I'm sure it was one of your beefs once. No, no. Can we just go back to the fact that you just told the nation that I don't understand how ovens work, and then explained what preheating an oven is. There's a light that tells you what to do.

Take that back. Do you remember the other day when I went out and I put a chicken in and I ended up going to my mum's because I felt depressed and I wanted to see my mum and we had a bit of a fight and you were Mr. What do I do with all of this stuff? And you didn't have a clue. You didn't have a clue how to cook your chicken.

You didn't know how to put broccoli on. You didn't know how to do... You just didn't know how to do anything. I just thought, how does this man get through life? There's a difference between not knowing and not wanting to. I didn't want to. You half started a dinner and you pissed off out. And I don't want to sound like a chauvinist pig here,

but come on. Oh, well, I'm sorry, but you do sound like a chauvinist pig. No, no, no, because you can't hide behind sexism. You can't hide behind sexism because you put the oven on and put the chicken in and then went, I'm going out. And I was like, I didn't even want a chicken. I was going out that day.

All I wanted to do was take that with me. He has something, right? This is a little bit of whatever, but let's have a fight. Always. I was watching a programme yesterday, okay, and there was a man cooking dinner. Right. I got a bit sad. Why?

Because you can't cook. You never, ever cook for me. Don't you dare. I make spaghetti bolognese now and then. You've made it probably about six times in the whole relationship. You're a better cook. I don't know what to say.

I know, but I just would really like to have food made for me. Right. Listen. We're not going to restaurants at the minute. That was me one thing. I'll sort out dinner tonight, right? What are you going to make?

We're getting a curry for me. Great. But look, I'll take it out of the cartons. I can't even eat the curry. It's too hard. It's too hard. My jaw's still knackered. Everyone, our jaw's still knackered.

There's not enough soft foods in the world. Everything that I eat is hard in life. Listen, we've got a blender. I'll blend up that tikka masala for you like no one's business tonight. Bit of rice, bit of onion bhaji, bit of naan bread, tikka masala. The worst soup I've ever heard of. Oh, no. Yeah, no, not soup.

You're not drinking it with a spoon. It's got to be in a mug. I'll put it in a teacup for you. Would it be hot? No, I'm going to let it cool down. Right. Sounds disgusting. But I would.

I would. Desperate times, desperate measures. There you go. I'll find, I'll look at soft stuff on the menu. Yeah. Hello, Coraline Tanduri. Hello. Can you tell us all of your soft stuff on the menu, please?

Hello? Hello, are you there shout out to corley and tandoori by the way oh yeah big up it's time for questions from the public from the public public guys as always if you want to get in touch it's shagged married annoyed at gmail.com please send us your office polls your stories your dilemmas your arguments your beefs whatever you want to get in touch. It's shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. Please send us your office polls, your stories, your dilemmas, your arguments, your beefs, whatever you want. We'd love to hear from you. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Starting off here.

Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hi. I'm listening to episode 104 when you talk about the lady who eats beans and pasta. This made me think about the spag bol my husband makes me cook him. And I just wanted to get your opinion on its contents. Now to set the scene a little my husband has been a fussy eater since i have known him brackets 15 years with him

only eating meals with either baked beans ketchup or gravy and only eating peas carrots and mashed swede as his vegetables of choice i think that's quite varied to be fair. It's not really. There's a lot of vegetables. That's like Robin. Robin eats like five vegetables. Yeah, fair enough. Over the years, I've tried to introduce him to other foods, brackets with little luck, but will now enjoy sweet potato and tomato based pasta sauces, brackets, but

I have to sieve them to get rid of the onions slash peppers. And this is grown man? He's 30 years old by the way. Oh gosh. And is past this, going this gonna annoy you and has passed his weird eating habits down our four-year-old son see no listen to this but listen listen to this spaghetti bolognese anyone listening with any kind of italian heritage stop listening now you're gonna be fucking furious so this is his spaghetti. He makes this. When I first got shown by his mum how he likes his spag bol,

he's a spoilt little fucker, this bloke. Okay. Get me mum round to show you how I like me paschetti. Paschetti. Fucking loser. I was mortified and I couldn't believe someone would eat this. Anyway, the ingredients are... Okay, right. Beef mince.

Yeah. Fairce. Yeah. Fair enough. Yeah. Yeah. Baked beans. Mm. Tomato ketchup. Gravy.

Fuck off. Worcester sauce. Spaghetti. That's what he has. That's not spaghetti bolognese. It's a fucking mess is what that is. That's beef with horrible ingredients. That's not spaghetti bolognese It's a fucking mess is what that is That's beef with horrible ingredients That's awful

That's just the worst Beef, baked beans, tomato ketchup gravy gravy a splash of Worcester sauce all mixed in I mean the Worcester sauce is pathetic Don't even, don't do it Really? A mean the Worcester sauce is pathetic that's don't even

don't do it really splash Worcester sauce exotic get me Liam Perrins in there you know you gotta have it haven't you that's fun so they must brown the beef mince they must just brown it on it's own hide baked beans in hide a load of tomato ketchup in

a load of gravy you have to imagine Bisto gravy that they just made. Hide that in. Bit of Worcester sauce and then hide it. No garlic, no onions, no peppers, no nothing like that. That's fucking disgusting. Horrible that like. That is one of the worst things. That sounds like something you'd give a dog. Yeah. That is one of the worst things. They'll think that that's

really nice. Well no, she doesn't. She's mortified but he eats it because he's pathetic. Hey mate, if you're listening, sort your fucking palate out will you? And I've never had to say that to someone. Jesus. Hi, Rosie and Chris. So my little story for you could technically be a Rosie's mystery

or it could just be a question from the public. You're the professional, so you decide. Professional's a strong word. Very, very strong word. Joking, aren't you? I've just put it as a cue from the pune. Okie-cokie. Okay. So about five years ago now, when I've just put it as a cue from the pune. Okie-cokie. Okay.

So, about five years ago now, when I was 18 and a bit of a slag, I spotted this one lad working behind the till in my local supermarket one day. Just an FYI, I live in a very small village. Got you. Lovely looking lad, I thought. Wood shag. There's a comma. Lovely looking lad, I thought. Wood shag. There's a comma. Lovely looking lad, I thought.

Comma. Wood shag. Honestly, as a man, I love hearing stuff like that from women. It's really refreshing. Yeah, it's great. Lovely looking. Wood shag. Tick.

It's like a review. Wood shag. Would recommend to a friend. Three stars. Some funny bits. Class. A couple of evenings later, I was down the local with my mate

and he was there. I was buzzing. We chatted, flirted, and just had a generally nice time. Good, good. Anyway, as the pub was in walking distance from our house, houses, sorry.

Got you. He decided to walk me home at the end of the night. On the way back, we were chatting and he invited me to what I thought was his grandad's house for a cheeky nightcap. Right. So, being the slaggy, experimental teenager I was,

I agreed. Alien, not really a teenager. I was under the impression the grandad was not there. Just thought I'd add that this isn't going in the direction of threesome with geriatric but that would have made a cracking email subject for you guys wouldn't it i mean yeah i'd have read that straight away yeah yeah at this point in life i was partial to a bit of the old mary jane do you know what that is weed i didn't know that why is it called that i don't know that. Why is it called that? I don't know.

Anyway. So we had a quick joint in the shed before entering the house. What? Just this is just one of the scummiest stories. I saw him in the supermarket. I thought, wood shag. Saw him in me local. Thought, walk us home.

Do you want to come to me grandad's shed for a joint? Yeah. Fuck's sake honestly if there was ever a film of my life just at the wedding ding ding ding

ding ding speech and when I had that joint in your granders shed I thought this is the man I'll spend the rest

of my life with oh Jesus oh don't honestly joint in your granddad's shed, I thought this is the man I'll spend the rest of my life with. Oh, Jesus. Oh, don't. Honestly. Joint in your granddad's shed. Joint in your granddad's shed. Right. Well, they've had a joint before entering the house.

Great. So we go into the living room and we have sexy time on the sofa. Great. After we finished, it actually hit me how high I was. We were just chilling on the sofa and farts were rolling out of my arsehole like pebbles. My God! What the...

What the... Rolling out of my arsehole like pebbles. Like pebbles. Incredible wordplay. Love that. Very nice. Absolutely fantastic. You're painting the picture.

Yeah. Why is she openly... I'm not being sexist here. I think if a man did it as well, it would be disgusting. Why is she openly fart'm not being sexist yeah i think if a man did it as well it would be disgusting why is she openly farting all over someone's granddad's couch just well it says here this often happens if i mixed weed and alcohol who knows why it's just part and parcel of it you know what i mean i mean the next weekend i was getting ready for a night out with my best mate and a girl that she was friends with, but I didn't know very well. I was telling them how I got lucky the weekend before

with that lad from the supermarket. The girl I didn't know very well quickly put two and two together and figured out who it was. Like I said, very small village. She said to me, do you realise that that's my cousin's boyfriend to which i said obviously fucking not wow she asked where we were so i said his granddad's and i said the location she then said that's his girlfriend's granddad's house and he would have been asleep upstairs now that that

that one it's terrible for one reason because obviously it's cheating and stuff. It's terrible for another reason because it's that house. But if you are fully into someone's relationship with someone, massively committed, if you've got regular access to their grander's house and shed, that's not we've been going out for a couple of weeks. That's part of the fucking furniture.

Do you know how genuinely thought this story was going? I thought she was going to thought she had a tumour on her back and it was a jaffa cake off the sofa mysteries

mysteries mysteries this is the bit that I really enjoyed right so it ends here they're married and they've got a kid now

shut up no no not them not her and the lad the lad and his girlfriend whose grandad's house it was oh no

yeah they're married and they've got a kid and his girlfriend whose grandad's house it was. Oh, no! Yeah, they're married and they've got a kid. And I still feel bloody awful. She's pushed. Yeah, well, he should. Yeah, and to top it all off, he told everyone I fart when I get really high. So everyone in their village knows she farts all the time when she has a joint.

Move. Move. What a shithole. Where is this village? It's a shithole. Burn it down. Find a way it isn't. Burn the wholeithole. Where is this village? It's a shithole. Burn it down. Find a way it isn't. Burn the whole village down.

It's this country, isn't it? It is this country, yeah. It's Kerry and Curtain. Yeah, it's Kerry and Curtain, yeah. This is... Granda's shed. Beautiful. What a conversation.

I got lucky last week. Did you? Who? Lad from the supermarket. He, where do you do it? It's Granda's shed for a joint in his Granda's house. That's not his Granda's. That's his...

I know. That's my cousin's. That is my cousin's boyfriend. Because of his boyfriend, that's her Grandad's shed for a joint in his Grandad's house. That's not his Grandad's. That's his... I know. That's my cousin's. That is my cousin's boyfriend. My cousin's boyfriend and that's her Grandad's house. He never... He says he fought when you're high. What a shithole. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hi. I was speaking with my husband recently about dating before we got together. We've been married 18 months and been together three years. Hmm. we got together we've been married 18 months and being together three years i mentioned how i used to get dick pics from men i met on tinder frequently and how i knew they were coming as soon as they asked for my snapchat late at night oh god what this is a world i've never been in so i don't get it but i know for a fact that so many people listening now will be like yep yeah

so apparently this is a thing when you get on a dating site if they ask for your snapchat you know you're going to get a dick pic and it disappears

doesn't it on snapchat is that the point apparently yeah yeah yeah right okay one man that I matched with

was very up front sending his first message snapchat question mark I thought to myself here we fucking go but I was bored

and alone on a Friday night, so thought might as well go for it. After all, he might be different. Does she mean his willy might look different? I don't know whether she means... Might be a little interesting one. Might be funny, might have a little funny shape.

Something to look at. Might be a little kink in it. Sorry. I think she meant different as in he might be a nice guy who doesn't send dick pics. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, oh, that would be sweet, wouldn't it? It would be, wouldn't it? Here's a picture of what I'm having for my tea.

Yeah, yeah. You know, and my dick. No, I'm joking. What's that under the Yorkshire pudding? It's my dick. Oh. Fooled again. And she's put, oh fooled again and she's put oh boy was i wrong we exchanged usernames on snapchat added each other and there it was a picture of his erect penis not flaccid erect

sorry sorry sorry sorry can i just say that rosie as a man who's got a penis i've not you know i've never sent dick pics. Definitely not unsolicited dick pics. No one would ever send a flaccid one. All right. No? Why? It's like sending... It's like...

That is like putting a photo over your dirty car on AutoTrader. So they don't send... So they're always erect? I can't... Why would you... I can't imagine anyone would send a flaccid one. A flaccid penis is a pathetic thing.

Chris, I've genuinely never had them. So they don't... Right, okay, well that's opened up a new world for me. So you thought people just sent flaccid ones? Let's try and send that. I thought it was just a dick pic. I thought they just sent a picture of the dick. That's amazing.

No one's obviously got to get it going first. What's the point? I don't know. Chris, what is the point? Because tell me any woman who finds a dick attractive. Yeah, well, what's the point? I don't know. What is, Chris, what is the point? Because tell me any woman who finds a dick attractive. Yeah,

well that's the thing that porn has made, porn has made blokes think that women find dicks attractive No, they're disgusting. Alright,

I'm sitting just here. No, I'm sorry. No offence to your dick but they're vile, man. No offence to your dick. No, but you know what I mean?

No woman looks at a dick and goes that's a nice dick. Yeah, I'm in the to your dick. No, but you know what I mean. No woman looks at a dick and goes, that's a nice dick. Yeah. I mean, a little bit. I know what you mean. I know what you mean. You've got to find them a bit attractive, but not...

Not a random stranger sending you a photo of their dick. But all I'm saying is... Absolutely not. I don't think anyone in the world will have sent a... It's ridiculous. Right, well, that... Okay, it makes more sense now. It's like flexing with your top on.

Do you know what I mean? He has a photo of me abs. Why have you got a T-shirt on? Right, they're under there. Right, I get you. Okay. Do you know what I mean? I didn't know that. why you got a t-shirt on right they're under there right i get you okay i mean i didn't know that didn't know that so anyway so amazing well he's this bit's even more amazing okay so he sent her a picture of his erect penis i'm gonna read it as her sorry and there it was a picture of his erect penis with my name scribbled onto his veiny foreskin in viral. No!

No! I laughed so hard I nearly wet myself. No! And when I asked him why he simply replied impressed to this day i wonder how many names he's scribed into his willy um byro as well byro that's hard that's i mean come on dude you know if you're gonna if you're gonna be writing people's names on your day push the boat out pay the money get a sharp a sharpie. Use a sharpie. Get a sharpie.

I mean, they don't come off though. Biola doesn't come off that way. I mean, that man must go through baby wipes like no bother. Was it red underneath where he just

wiped someone else off? Don't, without giving a name away, how many letters are in a name and I'll tell you if I'm impressed or not. Oh, hang on. Because I'm going to be honest with you,

if she's called Sue, not impressed. If she's called Angelica, I'm impressed. Yeah. I've just looked around the emails you, if she's called Sue, not impressed. If she's called Angelica, I'm impressed. Yeah. I've just looked around the emails. Yeah. She's got five letters.

Nah, I'm not impressed. You're not impressed? Nah, I'm not impressed at all. Do you know what gets me, right? Right. He may meet someone one day by doing that. Yeah.

And he'll do that and I think someone will be like, that's inventive. There's someone out there who'll be massively impressed by that. Really impressed. He will find someone who'll be like, that is the most romantic thing ever

he's just done that just for me he wrote his name on his day on his tiddler yeah wow it is quite inventive

it is don't you think inventive or psychotic bit of both got you well you know there's a fine line

between genius and madness to say it's so true it is so true turns out that line is a foreskin with Byron on it. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Hi, Rosie and Chris. I'm sending this from the land of the free, Australia. Oh, gee whiz, man. It's just put, sorry, hang in there, guys. Yeah, thanks, man. And go fuck yourself, but thanks. Anyway, I'm writing to see if you have anything like the Coffin Confessor in the UK.

Right, this is, I hadn't heard about this. I've Googled it and apparently it is true. Right. And I think a lot of people have been talking about it recently, but I personally spend a lot of time on social media and I hadn't heard of this. So I think there's going to be a lot of listeners not heard about this, but it's great. The Coffin as in buried, not Coffin as in cough. No, Coffin, but it's great. The coffin as in buried, not coffin as in cough. No, coffin, double F, iron.

The coffin confessor is a man who will come to your funeral and say whatever you would like him to say for a flat fee of 10,000 Australian dollars. So, yeah, right? Right. So, you might want him to tell secrets that you've held in your whole life or spill details about the mourners at your funeral. Wow.

So, my question is, would you like to have a coffin confessor at your funeral? That's a brilliant idea. Do you think? What an amazing thing. Well, I mean, it's awful. It's devious, is what I would call it. It's evil genius, the coffin confessor. I bet you people say some,

I mean, some of the emails and stuff we've had of people going, how do I tell him this and that? Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Like, oh my God. So he will just come,

this coffin confessor guy will come. Yeah. So you'd have to book him in advance. Like, you know you're dying. Yeah, you've got to know you're dying. This couldn't be a sudden death. Right.

Although actually, you could have it in place for if anything did happen yeah like a will wow there will be people who do this to be a bitter twisted twat you'd have to be a bastard yeah yeah to book it miles and loads of bastards though i know loads of bastards honestly ask us for a bastard i'll find i've got a book full of bastards first page of my phone book will be a bastard i've got one in the a's three in the b's seven in the c's oh the bastard that's uh that is dark to be fair so they will come to see yeah so for example um yeah the you know wife had an affair and you know was having a fair for years and you'd never say anything but you knew

about it this broke will just stand up at your funeral while your wife's there crying going she's been having an affair by the way and he knew about it

all along it's like I mean what you must get no wonder he's charging 10 grand

because you must get punched quite a lot well I was going to say who's doing that as a

job who would want could you do that I couldn't sleep at night if I

knew the next day I've got to go and tell them that give us a scenario what I've got to do so what have I got to do so it's a funeral tomorrow i've got to turn up what i've got to say you are at the funeral and you've got to tell everybody that you

okay you're the coffin confessor yeah you've got to tell everyone that you've actually been having an affair with your auntie. Right. So I've got to stand there and say that the person who's dying. Oh, no, that's terrible. The person who's dying. You make one up. You make one up. It's your thing.

I can't think of anything else. I can't think of anything that's not really massively offensive. That's not going to come bite us back on the arse. Right, okay, okay, okay. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. You're the coffin confessor. Yeah.

And you're at someone's funeral. Okay. You have to tell the whole family that the person who's just died, they, when their grandma was on their deathbed, stole from the grandma's pocket.

Wow. That's what I've got to tell them. You've got to tell them that. All day. But the grandma's pocket. Wow. That's what I've got to tell them. You've got to tell them that. All there. But the grandma's dead. But they want to get off their chest that they stole from the grandma's pocket where the grandma died.

Yeah. And I've got to go and do that. Yeah. How much? About 10,000. 10 grand. No problem. Really?

No problem whatsoever. Give us another one. No problem. Him there. You're all crying. Bit of a dick if I'm honest. I'd add a lib. Honestly, I'd add bits. I'd be like, you'd see he's reading a bit of a dick if I'm honest I'd add a lib honestly I'd add bits I'd be like

you'd see he's reading a bit of paper I'd put the script down I read it in the car on the way over I remember this bit of a dick when his nana was dying

nicked off her out of her pocket so you're all crying but bit of an arsehole world's probably a better place if I'm honest yeah

so Buffy where's, Buffy. Where's the Buffy? Who's peeing his? Yeah. Oh, they must have to get paid in advance. Yeah. Just don't turn up.

I'm not being funny. Yes. Just don't turn up. That's my easiest job in the world. Fucking best job ever. Yeah. They'll never know. Wow.

What? They'll never know if you go or not. Perfect. there we go I'll do that I'll start a business tomorrow anyone wants a coffin

10 grand I'll see whatever you want when you die they'll never know hey help yours any coffin confessors

out there listening if you've been turning up mug more fool you fucking idiot what have you been doing you're wasting your life mate

that I think we might have just made a business more fool you fucking idiot what have you been doing you're wasting your life mate that I think we might have just made a business yeah that we don't have to do anything yeah honestly

which will spawn another business which will be like we are certified coffin confessors by the way there's a lot of coffin confessors out there research your coffin confessors

because some of them don't turn up and ruin your family's day but we will promise you look go on check your trades we'll check your trades

go on we're top rated on Trustpilot we will genuinely turn up and ruin your family's entire day some of them won't some of them take your money

and fuck off we're in it for the long haul imagine if after you've confessed yeah right us with the new business you go around

and you go look I'm sorry but here's my card can you leave a review just to let everyone know that I did genuinely do this did you like the way that I ruined this funeral

because I could please review and please keep this in mind for when you die because I could come and ruin the day then as well yeah

I'm available it's all good yeah Jesus can you sign this or i don't get paid can you fuck off you need a facebook review you've been listening to shag my annoyed which is now part of the acast creator network yes guys thank you so much for listening we hope you're all right out there hope you're hanging in hope

you had a little laugh hope it took your mind off everything for a little while. And yeah, let's follow this roadmap and be fucking back licking each other's tonsils in no time. Oh, I'm licking everyone's tonsils. I do, eh?

Rosie, just think of the unbelievably horrific, disgusting, one-night-stand and nightclub stories we are going to get when the world's back to normal. Didn't even think of that until now. Come on! Come on!

Come on! The only way is up! Bye, guys. Bye, guys. We love you. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking

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