Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 106. Pay as you go go go go go

Episode Date: March 5, 2021

It's not long until the kids are back at school and Chris and Rosie's are in high spirits. They discuss the SMA tour, the return of Bike Guy and how they would feel if Louis Theroux took over their podcast. There's a brilliant Rosie's Mystery and some jaw dropping QFTP's. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag Mind Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey,

and me husband, Chris Ramsey. Your hair is out of control, Christopher. You look like Johnny Bravo. Wow, wow. I mean, I've just... Oh, that's so annoying. As I look up, there is a mirror right across the living room from us. And yeah, I've just seen...

So I must have had my face leaning forward a bit when I did this fringe and I didn't realise the height. It's massive. It looks like a wave. It's about it's about three inches off the front of my head yeah

well the wills shut the hairdressers don't listen don't expect this to look good when the hairdressers are shut I will cut I bought some scissors online

I don't think I can go through that again really it's the haphazard slapdash where you do it come on nah I don't like it let us cut your hair nah it's the same as when you're cooking

and you just make a fucking mess and it's just you just don't care it's like a whirlwind if it's just hair it doesn't matter if it's long then it does wow it's the same as when you're cooking and you just make a fucking mess and you just don't care. It's like a whirlwind. If it's just hair it doesn't matter if it's long then. It does. Wow. It's just hair. It's weird hair, innit? I was thinking that. As I was doing it today, I was like

hair's weird. It's weird hair. It's weird, innit? Come on then, how? It's just like skinny little weird tiny little things that just come off your head. Yeah, you've got a point. Can you imagine if we were all bald and then hair got released tomorrow on the telly and everyone was like, there's this new thing and hair would all be like, fuck off. Clip of that.

Where's me polish? It keeps you warm though, doesn't it? No. Does it? On your head? Probably not. I don't know. I don't know. I can google it but don't give a fuck. Guys, thank you so much for listening. It's episode 106.

We hope you're alright out there. The future is looking brighter. You know, various reasons why it's not, but various reasons why it is.

So it is looking brighter. So without going any further on it, it's now time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor

is... Hey! Hey! Come on. Stop that right now. This week's sponsor is... Prawn crackers.

I do like a prawn cracker. I knew I'd get you this one. Yeah. You have a little noodle dish, don't you? Get yourself a prawn cracker. You have a little rice dish, don't you? Get yourself some prawn crackers. Hey, if you have a rice dish, get a little prawn cracker.

That's like a little sort of scoop. Yeah, yeah. Get some rice on there. Scoop. Scoop it in Get a little prawn cracker. That's like a little sort of scoop. Yeah, yeah. Scoop, like a little... Get some rice on there. Scoop. Scoop it in. Get that prawn cracker in you. Fancy eating something that you have no idea what the ingredients are? Prawn cracker.

Prawns and cracker. What is a prawn cracker? Are they crackers? Nah. Are they crisps? Nah. Not really. But we'll call them crackers.

Yeah. Could be polystyrene that melts in your mouth. Almost polystyrene, but nice. Now and then, though, you get a really horrible one and it's all bubbling and it hurts your teeth I don't like that one don't like them ones very greasy

get rid of them Robin eats about 10 off the belt and I always think that's probably not good for him do a full bag in one sitting prawn crackers

don't get them don't get them for the Chinese takeaway though because they literally give you a fucking bin bag full it's genuinely intimidating prawn crackers I like them

from the supermarket better, but just because I wear Chinese takeaway, it gives you a bin liner. It is an extreme amount of one portion of food. Actually, when you think about it realistically, I do like prawn crackers. And sometimes when you're away, I do order them from the Chinese takeaway.

In the coming, I think, I don't need that many of them. So many. So many. I want to see what is keeping them. Yeah, so many. So many. So many. I want to see what is keeping them in, in the back. So there must be something in the back,

a bigger container than that. Well, no, because there'll be little things that you fry. Do you think? They don't just come to the Chinese takeaway like that. Yeah, but I mean, I don't think he does them to order. I imagine they'll do a shitload of them

and they'll be in like a fucking skip out the back. Oh, do you think? And he'll just stick a bag into the skip and just... This is something I've got no idea. I'd like to dive into that skip and swim around is what I'm saying. Me too. I think I'd enjoy that. Yeah.

Do you know, so we got a Chinese takeaway on Saturday night because you converted us. Did a full routine about not liking Chinese takeaways on me Amazon special and Rosie's converted us. That Amazon special, that's a joke, that Amazon special actually. It's a load of jokes. It's a load of jokes it's a load of jokes recorded for the tell

I'll tell you you are a joke in that because you're slagging off Chinese takeaways now you absolutely love them you're slagging off caravans and motorhomes now there's one on the drive

mate you're a hypocrite toilet on wheels right first of all lockdown's done a lot of things to a lot of people it's lockdown broke me

it broke us for the caravan because we're cooking on holiday anyway it broke us for the Chinese takeaways however I'm glad I've won so i went to the chinese takeaway to get ours on um saturday night yeah and i was on my bicycle and uh because ours doesn't deliver that's bloody good doesn't have to deliver doesn't fucking have to mate there's a queue outside there's a queue

outside yeah it's best best night i've had out in months i was in the queue i was having a banter with everyone from shields actually it was class it was genuinely class i was like on my bike and i was like oh you cycle around have you more just having a bit crack on i said yeah bring some cans next time we'll all just stand outside i mean don't let's not do that that's that's that's horrific hey stop forgetting your roots right cans in the street is where you're from love don't how do you think you've got a big podcast what do you think you are you're too too... You're telling me you're too good to have a few room temperature cans with a few of the locals outside the Chinese takeaway at the nuke in South Shields, Europe.

Honestly, who the fuck do you think you are? No, I'll have a journey juice and that's it. Oh, sorry. Gin in a tin. Just headbutt in the microphone. So I got the two bags. So he's like, there's your food. And he i got the two bags so he's like there's your food and he gave us the two bags and i was like right i'll put one on each handlebar right to sort even

us out but uh i genuinely fell off the bike like four times because one bag was the ribs and the rice and everything else and the other bag was the prawn crackers there was nothing yeah genuinely nearly crashed i nearly crashed into the sandwich shop that would have been fun well everyone was looking as well so you're your mate, hooray! Your new mates. Yeah, all me new besties. Quickly turned against you, didn't they? They really did. Nobody helped.

No loyalty to them pricks. I bet you there'd still be prawn crackers if I fell over as well. Probably. But prawn crackers. One more thing I just want to quickly say about

Chinese takeaways and takeaways in general. Yeah. Like, how much Tupperware do we have now? Silly amounts of tupperware I can't throw it away no me neither

when we get the plastic stuff from the Chinese I'm keeping that because I feel guilty that that's now a thing so much it cleans well but given that

you know apparently you're supposed to rinse them with cold water first so you know if you get like a tupperware the minute you put beans in it

it's red forever don't rinse it with hot water rinse it with cold water first to get it off great I'll try that genuinely and then anybody who's uninterested by that i

understand but you're gonna do it so damn right you are there you are there you go advice i might be misremembering it yeah it might be wrong oh no google it first because i can't have i can't have a nation of orange tupperware on my hands i'm under enough pressure as it it is, Rosie. Right, we'll get rid of that bit. We'll edit that bit out. No, don't! No! Because I kind of like the danger. This is what we've become. This is it.

The only excitement I've got in life now is telling people that it may or may not clean the Tupperware by putting, you know... Hot or cold water. Hot or cold water in apple beans. Right, let's crack on, eh? Oh, let's. Here's the jingle. Here it is, let's. Here's the jingle.

Here it is. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Mountain Oid. It is Friday and if like us you have a child who is of school age...

Monday baby. We're going back. Oh yeah! what a feeling I'm not lost for words I'm fucking buzzing one more time this is it fun fact

this is Danny Minogue not Kylie Minogue who I thought it was originally I'm watching the video there on the laptop that you've got on your shoulder like a violin as usual

I have no idea who that is. It's Danny Minogue. It's her sister. Got you. Got you. Get it off. Stop it. Hey, here's your dinner money.

Oh, you little shit. Tell you what. Don't come back until ten past three. You'll not get in. Oh, I'm locking the door. Hey, you better get your key. You can go to Mama's on Or Nanana Grander Bills Cause we're not here

Go to school Get to school Oh you've been off Way too long now It's time to get back To some learning I never wanna see Another diagraph

As long as I live Three plus three Who gives a shit not me not you anyway Rosie just admitted to the whole world

that she doesn't know what 3 plus 3 is what is she going to say 3 plus 3 I don't give a shit you've said yeah I don't listen

genuinely all of the parents out there who've been homeschooling fucking good on you man how yeah yeah

there we go how horrible has it been man hasn't it just been i mean sorry we are assuming that they're going to go back and that boris is not just going to let them go back for one day and then make them leave again like he did if he if he does if he i'm not joking right i held myself back last time when he sent them back for that day if he if he if he days do it um are the trains on? are the trains on? you're going to go down in a word

I'll be there I could cry actually I will be there I love that they'll do a briefing and it'll be like question from the public and we're here

Rosie in Newcastle and it'll just be you screaming just inaudible you fucking wanker you promised sorry we don't know what happened there

and now another graph for your enjoyment. Genuinely, can I just say as well, you're sort of making it as if you want time of the whole thing of, you know when kids go back to school for the summer holidays and everyone puts the photos on Instagram of them partying when the kids have left. That's not why we want him back.

We want him back because he's genuinely, he's five and he's depressed and he misses his friends and needs to go to school. It's not that we want a fucking jolly although we do want a bit to breathe I mean it would be nice to be able to do work without having to

you know make homemade ice lollies and get snacks and they just need to go back make sure they're ready to go back oh my god

yeah but I just also want to take a second to say thank you big up to the teachers. Oh, big up teachers, big up yourselves. Not only are some of the teachers, this is how ridiculous it's been with having half the kids in. Some of the teachers have had to do the normal work

with some classes have been 60, 70% full. Yeah. Then a full home programme with the rest of them. Very grateful. Nuts. And have a lovely time when they come back. Yeah, very grateful. And keep him overnight if you want when he comes in.

You know, we're not fussed. If you want to do after school, little after school plans, that, that, that. Honestly, fine by us. Hey, hey. Come and live in our garden and he can just play outside with you all the time, eh?

Come on, all of you. Come on. On the flip side though, the effed up brain of a parent we're gonna miss him don't fuck off

no we are Chris we are don't be ridiculous I promise you don't be ridiculous we are don't be ridiculous he's been with us

24 7 don't be ridiculous you will nah no chance when what Rosie when I drop him off at school that quarter to three

what time does he finish quarter past three Chris I can't remember it's been so long. I've got no idea. People are going to find me just walking around Shields on Monday, you know, with a kid just walking going, where is it? Which one? Where's

he's jumper seat? Where's that? Someone Google this name of the school. I don't know where it is. Walking along the beach. You're talking about Juma. I didn't have it fit. He's uniform. He's been eating while he's been off. He's put on a the beach. Chris, you're talking about Juma. I didn't have it fit. Fucking hell. His uniform. Well, not really. He might have shagged his bean eating while he's been off.

True, he's put on all the Clem. He's got a fucking belly top when he goes in. Got a little holiday weight there, have you, Robin? Unbelievable. COVID Clem. I'm definitely not. There's no chance. There's no chance because you drop him off and you blink

and it's quarter past three. Well, I'm going to miss them. Nah, you're lying. Don't say that. It's just because that's because you're a fucking Insta-mam. Oh, I'm an Insta-mam.

You're lying. Am I an Insta-mam? You're saying it to keep in with your Insta-mam mates. No one's impressed, right? No one's impressed. I have to, Chris, I have to do it.

No, this is shout-mine-anoyed now. I'm keeping up with appearances. No, don't. You're not on Instagram with your little daft mates now, right? Right? Making fucking homemade shit right

this is taking photos of your fucking I don't know room you've just put a new coffee table in pathetic

boring boring tell the world how much you can't wait for your kid to fuck off but yeah

I can't wait nah who is he oh god bless his little heart. Honestly, all of yous out there, the parents, fucking well done. Good on yous, because it's been rough.

It's been rough. And everyone else. Hope you're all right. Yeah. It's unbelievable this past year and a bit, but hopefully things are getting better, and let's crack on with this week's appeared case. Yes, of course.

Hopefully things are getting better. There is good news coming out all the time. Here's some bad news though. Two has moved again. Oh, no. Had to drop that in there. But let's just hope this is the last time.

Touch wood. This is it. This is the last time. Shut your laptop. Don't play it again. No, no, no, no. This is the last time that it's going to be moved.

So we see exactly the same as you guys see on the news. We don't know anymore. You'd think we would, seeing as we're meant to be doing Wembley or whatever, but we know exactly the same as you. So we're just erring. Is it erring or not erring?

Erring. I'm sure it's erring. We know exactly the same as you, except for when it comes to words. Yeah. Rosie knows easily 40% less than most of you. We are erring on the side of caution and we're just playing it safe

and we want to do full capacity. We don't want to have to do a bloody ballot and see who, you know, who can come and who's not allowed to come. We could do a social distance tour, but it would have to be rebooked. It would have to be a new tour because you can't just say

that half of the people in Wembley are hardlines. You don't get to come. Yeah. So all we're doing is guys we're just I mean it could be a little day out

we could get everyone who was meant to come get them all in a line and they could come and go no not you yes no you can get Paddy McGuinness

to host it like take me out right okay there we go no I can't no ticket come on

we've got loads of them loads of them podiums like it's for 10, loads of them loads of them podiums like it's for 10,000 of them Paddy's sweating running up and down yeah yeah

don't like his shoes absolutely not oh that would be great me and you are like the people who come down there no that's the wrong way I would have to flip it

yeah so we come down the lift and we stand and 10,000 people from where and we just turn Paddy right there fucking joking aren't you crazy

sprinting up great the running out of TV shows we've said this so we could do it outside it's going to be summer we just turn there Paddy right there fucking joking aren't you sprinting up great they're running out of TV shows we've said this so we could do it outside it's going to be summer anyway we're not doing that

we'll chat about it no we're not doing that on the phone but basically the nuts and bolts of it that you need to know is May June is when the two are supposed to be

now May June annoyingly looks on the cusp of when everything's going to be sort of going back to normal but early May was supposed to be our first lot of the two we're talking going back to normal we're talking restaurants reopening and possibly people are going on holiday we're not talking about

no yeah 10 000 people in an area yes but june 21st is supposed to be that's it june june 21st is supposed to be that's when the tour was finished but that's yeah that's like a week after the tour was gonna end so we've just picked it up and we're going to drop it. Hopefully, hopefully, I can't say too much because I don't want to get anyone's hopes up, but hopefully it might happen this year. It might happen this year.

Yeah, fingers crossed. Which is just, I can't even, I can't even envisage, because touring was my full life for years. Yeah. I can't envisage touring. I can't imagine it.

It's so strange. It's really, really weird. I can't picture travelling in cars, going in hotels, going on stage. I can't Imagine it. It's so strange. It's really, really weird. I can't picture travelling in cars, going in hotels, going on stage. I can't picture it. It's been an utter mind... Do you know what I've realised?

I've missed. Do you know what I've really missed, right? Because it's just been you in the house and you've been pregnant most of the time and you're my wife and A, I don't like to upset you and B, I don't like to unsettle you. I have missed...

Really? Is that true? No, well, I unsettle you in different ways and... Tell... Really? Is that true? No, well, it'll unsettle you in different ways and I never normally mean to do it, but you'll understand

when I say what it is. I don't know if anyone out there has, but when you think about it, you will. I have missed giving people frights. Right.

Hiding somewhere, waiting for someone to walk around the corner and jumping out and giving them a fright. Right. I've missed it. Well, you know I hate that.

Well, that's why I haven't done it to you because you were pregnant most of the time as well. You did it yesterday when Rafe was on. Momentarily, don't tell me health visitor. Momentarily put Rafe on the sofa to make a drink. Right. And you shouted over when I was at the sink that he fell on the floor. Honestly, I could have cried. Yeah.

Don't do that. That's not funny. You did exactly the same. You used to film it when I was making me fire in the front room shouting, Chris, Chris. I thought a fire. As if your house was going to burn down.

No. So I did the same joke with Rafe. Backfired big time. It's not the same. Backfired. It's not the same. It's well, yeah, I kind of realised that

when I got your reaction. Yeah. But yeah, I've missed jumping out and giving people, I watched a thing on Instagram the other day, a compilation of people giving people a fright and I was like, I can't wait to give someone a fright.

If that's all you've missed, then you've done quite well. No, I've missed fucking loads of stuff. But that's... You know, mentally, you've done quite well. It's because me and Carl Hutchinson give each other a fright all the time. You miss Carl. I miss giving him a fright. Do you know what it is?

I might go and fucking... I know he's on his bike loads these days. I might just go and hide along his route somewhere and give him a fright this week. Find out where he is. If it makes you feel better. I've got my time on my hands. Wait till Rom goes back to school. Yeah.

Okay. There we go. Because I can deal with one. It's when we've got two kids together. Why did we have a baby? What the hell? During lockdown. Like,

can you believe that we, oh, we thought this would be done by now. We've had a baby. Yeah. Whilst being penned in a house. Oh, yeah.

That's the thing, you're buzzing about Robin going to school. There's another one. I know. Oh, yeah. That's the thing you're buzzing about, Rob, and go to school is another one. I know. All the time. I know. Anyway. But how crazy is that that it's just going to be...

You think a newborn is so hard and it is so hard when you have a newborn baby. Second one's a piece of piss. No, but we are so looking forward to just having a newborn baby. Yeah, yeah. Getting some telly on the go. Yeah.

Actually relaxing. We are so behind box sets. Oh. The amount of stuff your mum has watched on Netflix makes me fucking sick. I know. Sick.

Everybody keeps suggesting things and I'm like, where do you get the time? We've got no time. Where do you get the fucking time? Anyway guys, so the tour has been moved. The new dates aren't out yet

but the dates that are currently out there, the May and June this year, will not be happening. The new ones will be announced very soon soon all tickets will remain valid and obviously when the new ones get announced if you can't make the new one because you've got some plans what your plans are but if you've got some plans you can always get a refund because they're just gonna we'll just resell them we are so looking forward to it and it's gonna be it's gonna be meant it's

gonna be meant oh yes yes babadoo babadoo babadoo Back Big news here In the Ramsey household What? I'm back on me bike Oh for fuck's sake I went out on an actual bike ride Me foot's that much better Me foot is so better I went out on an actual bike Rosie

I was ecstatic I was elated Yeah Honestly I was saying hello to people As I was driving past Driving or riding? Cycling

Dickhead Do you know what I mean? I was literally like A couple of dogs The worst thing that can happen On a bike ride Is a dog will run in front of you it's not if you've got to stop if you manage to stop it's not the worst thing ever it's a very slight inconvenience and i'm never bothered but if my worst nightmare is hitting the dog stocks don't give a fuck do you know i mean

they'll just run in front of your bike do they i've never been a big bike on the road in front of your bike because they don't care they don't understand that a bike's coming they're not bothered and i bless i always put my brakes on i slow right down and always the owners always go he really sorry sorry and i'm always like it's fine like it's a dog and i i was going up the this path near where we live and the dog sort of went out and i slowed right down and the lady went yeah i'm really sorry i went ah it's fine man dogs don't give a fuck do they dogs and she just looked at us but I was like trying to have a bit of hey he's fine man

look at him he's having a nice time dogs don't give a fuck man do they and she just was like alright I was just so happy I was just so happy

to see people like and be out I wish I was happy to see dogs there's a road that I walk down to go to our local co-op and there's two little dogs

live in this house and I know they're going to come and give us a fright and every time i walk past they give us a fright yeah i know exactly what you mean yeah and i'm always like oh for god's sake and bless them it's not their fault they're just really inquisitive and they're just like and then the owner came out with them yesterday while they were yapping on and i had rave asleep in the pram and i was like, I was like cursing the dogs. Look, give them proper huggies and I was like, eh.

Do you know which one get me? I think some dogs, right? I think they creep up to the gate and wait at the gate and bark as you walk past. Yeah. Because sometimes you can hear them. You hear the feet,

you go, and they come up the gate and you go, I don't care, there's going to be a bark. But some of them are like, no, I just fucking stand here. I just stand here. Look, I've fucking stand here. I just stand here.

Look, I've got socks on. I just stand here with little socks on, so you can't hear me nails on the floor. As soon as you walk past, I'm fucking here. Do you know what I mean? Do you know what the ones are mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm just right here on the wall.

Fuck you. Yeah. Just excited, bless him. Ah, like me. Like me on my bike that day. Buzzing. So bike guy's back. There you go.

There you have it. It's official. Yes. Very glad. Babadoo, you go there you have it it's official yes something happened today something happened i tried on some of my pre-pregnancy clothes right um sit like stupidly they didn't i don't think the fitters before i even had rave i tried them on they didn't fit aspirational clothing i think just yeah but like massively didn't fit to the point where I actually got a bit of a shock and I was like, oh shit.

And I had a lovely little five, ten minute word with myself in the mirror. Like, you know, you are beautiful. Yeah. Don't you dare

let your weight define you. All that. All that bollocks, right? Powerful, powerful. Proper pinstagram. Instagram? Pinterest. Pinterest and Instagram.

Both of them oh have I just made made a new app copyrighted I'm very annoyed I've just made a new app pinstagram get it

it's instagram and pinterest together and it's going to be even more pretentious and cunny oh it's going to be worth millions you've got to have a double barrel surname

to even get an account yes you have to wear white all the time and a six bedroom house absolutely that's the big minimum and dogs but the dogs live outside

and never come in your house yeah the dogs don't have any hair yeah yeah yeah you've got to have four kids yeah that's it all have to be able to play the piano and no two lounges

by the age of five absolutely done so anyway yeah I had a lovely little word with myself yeah and I was like right

we're going to start eating healthily we're going to do a bit of exercise we? you and your reflection like making me reflection you know we're going to start eating healthily. We're going to do a bit of exercise. You and your reflection. Making me reflection. You know, we are going to do this together.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, it's true. I have to do it quite often. And then I came downstairs with all the intentions. I got a pen out the cupboard. I was going to write down a meal plan. Wonderful. Do you know what I did?

What? I went and got a packet of crisps out the cupboard. Great. Family packet of crisps. Oh, the big massive cork salt and vinegar. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Chris, I ate the full thing. You've ate them all? I ate them all. Fuck me, I was going to have some of them later on.

They're gone. The whole lot. What's wrong with this? Jesus. Why, what is that? Why did I do that? Why did I say, right, we're going to do this and then I've come down and done that? Self-sabotage? You've got no willpower. You forget. On that walk, do you know what it is, right, we're going to do this. And then I've come down and done that. Self-sabotage. You've got no willpower. You just, you forget.

On that walk, do you know what it is, right? You probably looked in the mirror, like, right, come on, we're going to do this. We're going to do some exercise. You probably walked down the stairs and went, well, that's exercise. Stairs. It is a bit, yeah.

I have some of them. Yeah. There you go. Does it upset you if I tell you, will it upset you if I tell you that I still fit in jeans that I had when i first started stand-up are you joking no no how that's just just bite guy in it just bite guy but you eat loads more than me that's the best bit the best bit is i do eat like a pig like takeaways

constantly um i keep you know how i said before i, oh, I need to get back to the weight before Rafe. I need to get back to the weight like 15 years ago. That's what I mean. But I had a different frame. I think I was a completely different person. Right, okay. So I need to lower my expectations. Right.

Because I'm aspiring to a body that doesn't exist anymore. She's dead. Right. You know what I mean? Wow. No, she is though. She's never going to happen again. I killed her with a massive bag of crisps.

Big load of prawn crackers just fucking battered the bitch to death. Just over years. Speaking of looking in mirrors, have I ever told you that I get a certain level of drunk and I try and catch my reflection out? Have I told you this? I've done it a few times i always remember it in the morning i get embarrassed so i get to a certain level of drunk i'll be really drunk i have to be like

again to mention carl hutchinson to mention carl hutchinson he drinks so fast and if i go rounds with him i'm just gonna have a bad night i know if you're out with carl that you're gonna have a really horrible day the next day he drinks like a fish it's horrendous um but if you're out with Carl you're going to have a really horrible day the next day yeah he drinks like a fish it's horrendous but if I'm out with him and I come back it's kind of not a being sick level

but it's kind of you're a couple of beers off being sick room spinning just before room spinning it's just before room spinning when I'm brushing my teeth or whatever

and I don't know what happens to me eyes or my depth perception or my vision or something but I start to think that my reflection looks a bit too real and I try and catch it out that's so I like turn my head really quick and see if i can catch it like

a lag on it and sometimes i'll just try and grab its hand on the mirror you've never told me this before yeah i did it in um you know when we went to uh italy for a friend's wedding i did you know the night i was like really really really really really really drunk and ill the next day and you had to stay in bed the full next day. I stayed in bed for the full next day. That was fun. That night I did it. Right.

Yeah. Is it like Toy Story but with reflections? Almost, yeah. Have you ever seen The Evil Dead where he looks at his reflection in the mirror and then the hand comes out of the mirror and grabs his hand? No, sounds awful.

I kind of try and do that. It's a good bit of cinematography, but yeah. That's great. Yeah, I've just remembered that. It's weird, isn't it? I haven't been that drunk for months. Nah. Months and months and months no months and months would get that drunk in the house on their own during the lockdown i i mean i could imagine a lot of people are still getting very drunk when they opened the pubs last year in the summer i went out with carl i got that drunk that's the last

time i've been drunk yeah i didn't even get drunk at christmas because of how harrowing that whole thing was what thing that when i got when me and carl went out. Oh, right. I've told you, man, he went to sleep on a bench halfway home. No. Yeah, so I woke up the next day and I was sick all day. Yeah.

And he stopped and had a, like, three hour nap at a bench on his way home. No, he didn't. Yeah. That's what you get

when you keep the pub shut and then go, by the way, they're open again. Fill your boots. You get fucking animals like me and him going in.

It's going to be carnage. I'm not going out during the 21st. It's going to be nuts, isn't it gonna be nuts it's gonna be mint if it's during the 21st i'm very excited for it what day is it i think it's a monday i think they're very clever i think they're hoping oh right they're gonna be really surprised when you see the sunday oh it's a monday yeah it's a monday but the sunday after father's day all right well the father's day when they're gonna see like everyone just going what no one's social distancing no one's doing Monday it's the day after Father's Day alright well the Father's Day when they're going to see everyone just going no one's social distancing no one's doing this

everyone's spitting in each other's mouths what's happening here that's because at midnight everything's out do you know when Boris Johnson's birthday is? no 19th of June

really? he's not daft is he? he's not daft is he? he's hired out Downing Street pub for the 22nd of June are you making that up? I don't know he's got a pub who knows He's not daft, is he? He's hired out Downing Street pub for the 22nd of June. Are you making that up?

I don't know. Has he got a pub? Who knows? Has he got a pub? He's got a DJ to go to the living room. Does he live there? He does live there, doesn't he?

In Downing Street? They do live there for a bit. Don't know. No, they do. I'm sure they live there in an apartment. It's like us. Now, living where you work.

It's horrible. I've always thought of this, right? I think of it when I see politicians, right? People want to be presidents and prime ministers. Yeah. And I think of it about like boxers and UFC fighters. Right. I would hate to have a job

where part of my job was stopping other people from taking my job. Right. Do you understand what I mean? So you just know it's not going to last forever all me and you have to do right is just keep hopefully making people laugh and letting people enjoy the podcast and keep you know getting good questions okay and having beefs and chatting stay married stay sane yeah and just keep creating the content and hopefully people will keep

enjoying right okay but like a boxer or something someone is trying to make them fail okay and like the prime minister like if you don't do good and you don't stay in for your full term someone's boxer or something, someone is trying to make them fail. And like the Prime Minister, if you don't do good, and you don't stay in for your full term, someone's literally going to come and take your fucking bed. Same with the President. But it's a bit like us with Louis Theroux. He's always there.

I think he could knock on the door and go Hi, I'm Louis from the BBC. I own your house. Yeah, fair enough enough it's pulled rank I mean I listen to myself Louis I can't really I can't really say anything about that

very much enjoyed your podcast actually thank you so here you go have the number one spot we don't mind can you imagine that though just going I'll buy

someone knocks on the door and goes by the way I'm doing your podcast now and I live here now and you go alright bye and you've just got to fuck off but on the flip side,

just for Prime Minister, President, why do they want to do it all the time? It's the worst job in the world. I've said it before, you should get a gun and put a gun to everyone's head in the whole country and put a little lie detector on them

and go, do you want to be Prime Minister? And whoever really means no the most, they get the job. It's like Lord of the Rings. Yes, who's more worthy. Whoever just fucking doesn't want it at all they have to do it probably be me probably you yeah you imagine i do not want to be

here but i'm here so you know i've genuinely don't think that would work by the way so no one no one implement that just in case someone has a whip around chris don't worry people got a lot of time on their hands they really have babadoo babado hands they really have just looking at my diary there because i had to look for what day during the 21st is do you know i had to set an alarm for me um on my calendar to brush my teeth great every day at nine o'clock oh my god it's every day sorry she's just turned her laptop round and showed us it's the apple calendar every day brush your teeth one exclamation mark nine o'clock every day nine o'clock every day

do you want to tell them what time you brushed your teeth today ten to one brilliant oh snooze that shit Chris is that what that noise was try to tell me what to do eh former me me three months ago trying to keep my teeth intact.

You can nap off. I'm not brushing my teeth yet. Eh, what are you going to do? Eh? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? What are you going to do? Make a dream come true.

On a side note, people who snooze their alarm in the morning can get in the fucking sea as well, by the way. People who can lie in in the morning. I've never understood that. Bullshit. Do you mean sleep in? Sleep in. We've probably talked about this before,

but when you're in a job and someone's like, oh, I slept in, I'm like, you useless piece of shit. Honestly. Wow. No, it's the most... Hey, with bosses like that, no wonder everyone's enjoying being furloughed. With people, bastards like you running the workplace.

If I was a boss and people were just lying in left, right and center, I'd sack them. I would. I would sack them there and then because if you cannot just set an alarm and get yourself up in the morning yeah what what you say you to my me and my company you're absolutely useless it is a massive it is a massive kick in the dick when you go where where we needed you where were you i was asleep it's like the biggest like it's the biggest fuck it's the biggest when you go, we needed you. Where were you? I was asleep. It's like the biggest, it's the biggest fuck you to you and your needs. I was asleep. I was literally eyes shut.

I was unconscious when you needed us. You know people, right? People who are young adults or actual fully blown adults like ourselves who can sleep in and not go to work. You know what their parents are like. I can see them now. Oh, well, don't worry about it.

My mom and dad, get out of bed. Don't you dare not set your alarm. Oh, Jesus. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway Thank you. unnerving piece. Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit

TSO.ca Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across

Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.

Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com. It's time for Rosie's

Mysteries, Mysteries, Mysteries, Mysteries. Eee, well, I never knew that. Oh, she's changed the inflection on it. What's inflection mean? Eee, well, I never knew that. Is that what it is? All right, okay.

Eee, well, I never knew that. Jesus. It's painful. You can't see her face when she's doing it. It's awful. It's just awful. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Informative mysteries, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Big finish. Oh, oh, oh. June the 21st. June the 21st. June the 21st.

Guys, we've never got this far. Far, far, far. It's a bloody club version version oh fuck off man brilliant can I just say since the public have started sending them in

not as informative as they were I mean they weren't informative in the first place it started off a lot different yeah they did them as

shitty little facts Chris it was very much like a baby and I just needed to try it out can I just say genuinely hand on heart

workshopped it hand on heart yes big love to all the members of the public, all the Smiles and Daz who've sent in mysteries. Collaborating through you and them together have come up with a section I really look forward to. Thank you. Because I love trying to guess what's going on.

Oh, I'm so glad. It's literally the Smiles and Daz have helped formulate and create that section. A huge part of this podcast. No, just that bit. Without them. Just that bit, nothing else. It's mine. Mine. Mine.

Mine. Right, here we go. A bit of yours, but really mine. I'm joking. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I have a story that I think could be great for Rosie slash Robin's mysteries. He won't do anything anymore.

Stop trying to make him perform. I know. Let's live his life, will you? He's got old and he won't do now. He's got old. He's five. He's got old. Yeah, five. He's got old. Yeah, but he's just got past that point of being able to go,

would you do this? Yeah, Mammy. He's like, what's in it for me? I'm like, a flump. And he's like, how many flumps? I'm like, three. And he's like, five. And I'm like, four.

And he goes, right. And that's it. Yeah, that's where we're at right now. Anyway, and a flump's a marshmallow for anyone listening. Not in England. Right. Well, there's one mystery cleared up already and we haven't even started the section yet.

What's a flump? Marshmallow. Next mystery. What an idiot. This is a genuine call that I took when I worked as a call taker for the ambulance service a few years ago. Love it. Boo shakalaka.

You know you're in for a treat when it's a medical background. Exactly. Love it. Love them. Love them. Love it. I guess I should be kept anonymous in case the person in this story finds me and sues me or something.

Fair play. I agree. A gentleman called in quite a bit of distress because he said he had found a lump on his penis. Oh goodness. Never good. We had to run through the generic questions with the call out to triage. I already know what's happening.

What? Was it a Jaffa Cake? No. God damn it. It wasn't a Jaffa Cake. It would have to be a Jaffa Cake mini, or he'd be, you know, Mr. Circus Dick.

Circus Dick. Mr. Circus Dick. Want to come see the Circus Dick. Wanna come see the Circus Dick? Do you know that the killers were originally gonna call Mr. Brightside Mr. Circus Dick? Coming out of my cage and having to do just fine.

Mr. Circus Dick. Can you imagine the different career the killers would have had? Can you imagine what a terrible the Killers would have had? With Mr. Circus D. Can you imagine what a terrible career they'd have had if their first single

was called Mr. Circus D? It might have been, you never know. I've painted a picture though, haven't I? You think they'd have been bigger than they are now? I don't think

they'd have done as well. I think Mr. Brightside is a lot better. Mr. Brightside. I think they nailed it. Well done. So anyway, we had to run through generic questions

with the caller to triage their usage. Issue. Usage? What are you using the circus dick for? Mainly to scare the local children? Swing it around now and then? Sometimes to turn the light off from bed? Usage. Right.

Been in a couple of films. Went out on the road pre-Covid. Okay, anyway. The computer generated the questions. I asked them. He answered. Got you. Sounds like a pretty simple job.

I always thought it was quite intense. Yeah. So that's what happens. You must ring. They answer the question. They put it on the computer and then it just generates another question. Oh, you hear them typing, man.

Yeah. I thought you had to have some sort of degree to work in their call centres. I know, man. It's a fucking survey. You can do it online. See, I thought they were... I thought if you ring up,

you're speaking to, like, fully-blown trained professionals. No, I did it online for me. When I broke my ankle, I had to go online. And it just... You see, what's the nature? And whatever the nature is,

it then spears off into them, kind of, into them questions. Do you know what I mean? So if the skin's not broken, the next question won't be, is there fucking pus coming out? Do you know what I mean? Okay.

It'll be, is the skin broken? Then next, next, next. Okay. And then whether you have to come in or not. Right. Okay come in or not so it's probably the same on the phone right well anyway he said he had a lump in the middle of his penis that wasn't there before oh no but when i asked for the approximate size he said he couldn't remember couldn't remember so he can't remember what size the um the lump is i asked if he could perhaps have a look

and give me a rough size comparison, such as a penny, etc. He said he couldn't check right now and this is where the mystery comes in. Why was he unable to check his condition at that very moment? So she's asked him what size the lump is and he's like,

I can't have a look right now. And she's like, why can't you have a look? You are joking me. Why do you think you can't have a look? I think I've's like, why can't you have a look? You are joking me. Why do you think you can't have a look? I think I've got it, and if I've got it, I'm absolutely mortified. What? Was he busy having sex?

No. Oh. That would have been nice, though. Are you ready? No, hold on. He hadn't chopped it off. Do you want to find out? Yeah.

The reason he was unable to check the lump on his penis is because he was calling from the queue at KFC. Oh my God. The guy was so concerned about his circus dick that he desperately needed some chicken. The poor people in the queue near him, man.

I know. Can you imagine? Having to listen to that. Can you imagine being in a queue at KFC and there's a bloke behind you on an ambulance, you know? Yeah. Calling for an ambulance. One or whatever, yeah whatever yeah no she worked

ambulance he's ringing for an ambulance to find out about his penis lump on his penis and he's in the bloody queue how hungry you gotta be do you know what i mean i mean what's really annoying is i will make weird phone calls at weird times. You know me, if I've got something in my head and I need something to get done, I'll get it done. So if I'm phoning, I don't know, a builder or a plumber, I will phone them when I'm busy doing something else. I'm a bit of a dick. I won't like sit down to do it. But that's another, even for me, that's another level.

Just, that's just ridiculous. So I've got, yeah, a lump in the middle of my penis. Yeah. No, I haven't had sex for two seconds. Chicken Twister, please. Yeah, toasted popcorn chicken on the side. Yeah, sorry, what was that? Yeah, no, I can't check right now.

I'm like, fucking hell. No, imagine popcorn. Here's your popcorn chicken. It's about the size of that, actually. Yeah, actually, that's the size of a popcorn chicken. Yeah, I was saying popcorn chicken. Oh, hold on. Two seconds.

The one at the bottom is even bigger than this that's no reference sorry fucking Christ babadoo babadoo babadoo it's time for what's your beef what's your beef

beef beef beef beef beef beef now I had an interesting sort of moment today when I opened me notes for the podcast

and I realised I didn't have any didn't have any beefs written down for you beautiful self oh that's nice I had nothing written down so I just sat with the blank page and i thought has anything happened recently and i quickly tapped one down and then another came and another

one and i started remembering all these reasons you're a knob and it just kept flying out so i've got a few to pick from i've got a deck of cards in front of me so if you want to go first not one not one to be left out i also have really i've got five to pick from here. Five to pick from. 106 Chris. I did not think we'd have this many beefs. Wow. Why are we still together? I feel like one of the ones that I could pick is actually something that you've done before but you revisited it this

week and it really annoyed us. Well don't do that. You need to come up with some new content. Right okay. Honestly. Would you do your two shows? Would you just repeat your rehash your old jokes? No, no, no, no, no, no, no. People are paying absolutely nothing to listen to this. But it's topical.

I've got a couple, but again, I don't know if I've done them before, but it's topical. It's stuff you've done this week. You go for it now. Go on if you think you've got some brand new, bloody, fangled new stuff to go on about. Go for it. Every time I ask you to go and grab one of Rafe's bibs, because you might be closer, you go and get it,

and then you bring it to me and you put it round my neck, and you go there with your bib, and you've done it too many times now. It's not funny anymore. Stop. Stop it. I'm very proud that this made the beefs I'm very proud indeed first time I did it

I went if I keep doing this this will be a beef it's not funny it just makes us feel even more overweight than I am because them

them fuckers are tight around my neck Rosie you know you're giving yourself unrealistic body images when you want a baby's bib to be fucking not unrealistic body images when you want a baby's bib to be fucking... Not the six months. When you want a baby's bib to be loose on your neck.

Don't be an idiot. It's good, man. The first couple of times I was like, oh, yeah, that's quite cute. And then you've done it about 10 or 15 times now. Just, can you pass as a bib? Yeah, see? It's exactly... Can you pass as a bib? I don't know who the bib's for.

You just asked for the bib, so I'm just helping out. I'm giving you the bib. I'm not even just giving it, I'm putting the bib on for you. You're welcomed. Please stop. I really enjoy putting the bibs on you. Do you know why? Because they are a little bit tight,

and for a moment I can pretend I'm choking you unconscious. Oh my God! I'm choking! I'm joking I'm joking don't email it I said it because it was so horrible that's the point in that it was a shock comedy

and I know I'm better than that but I'm sorry just be one minute just be a minute I'm just gonna go hide all the knives right come on might be with you Just be one minute. Just be a minute. I'm just going to go hide all the knives. Right, come on.

Might be with you. And again, it's all blurring into one, right? But it's recently, right? So last week I talked about how you'll come home and you phone us and I have to get a committee on the go. I've stopped doing that. No, because you literally phoned us yesterday and I got me and Robin to stand like footmen outside the go. I've stopped doing that. No, because you literally phoned us yesterday, and I got me and Robin to stand like footmen outside the house waiting for you,

which I quite enjoyed. Funny. You take so fucking long to leave the house. It's unbelievable. Are you actually taking the piss? Are you taking the piss? Are you taking the piss? Are you taking the piss?

Right, come on, carry on. You just take fucking forever. You're like, right, I'm going to go out for a walk with Rafe. Right, okay. Right. Where's he? Get this stuff on. Get him in. Put him in there. Get as a bib. Get off me neck. Comedy. Do it. Put him in there.

Right. Bottles. Right. Okay. Where's me shoes? Are you seeing me shoes? Where's me shoes? I can't walk in these. Am I going to be hot? Am I going to be hot in these. Am I going to be hot? Am I going to be hot in this? Am I going to be hot? Where's me cord?

Shall I wear that? Do these go? You're going for a fucking walk. You're not going down the catwalk. Jesus. Where's me keys? You see me keys? Are you going to be in?

Where's me headphones? Have you got a fart? Oh, just get out of the fucking house please so there you go it's good to know where you stand on the issue

I started that and you were trying to defend yourself. And I think you'll find I've absolutely, I've hit the nail on the head. I mean, part of us blames it on just being a fanny. But the other part blames it on, I forgot how to leave the house. You ever seen them dogs who don't like going downstairs and they just stand there. That's you. I've got to pick you up and lift you stand there? That's you, Shaggy.

I've got to pick you up and lift you over the threshold. There you go, you're out now. And two, with a baby, I pack his bag. It takes a lot of prep. No, it's after the bag's packed. The bag's packed and he's in the primary to go and it's the fucking cacophony of shit that you have to do. Oh, I'm... No, right, okay. Chris, I've got a delivery coming.

Leave the gates open as well. There's no other way. Don't go anywhere. Make sure Robin hasn't... Just fuck off, man. Just fucking go. You said you'd go. Stop promising that you're going to go

and then not going. It's not fair. Don't say you're going to go. Dangle leaving and I'm going to have a bit of peace and then hang around like a bad fucking smell for 20 minutes

asking me where shit is fed up you know where everything is though I know but you're the oracle of knowing where

stuff is like I've honestly I've stopped looking I've got a photographic memory one little question to you

if you know when it comes to where stuff is I've got a photographic memory I can see it in my head you said it was before this

where are my slippers and I said they're in the front porch outside the cupboard thank you and I was over the moon because I didn't have to look I've got half an easter egg in the fridge

just remembered so the next section is going to be a bit claggy on her end claggy babadoo babadoo babadoo it's time for questions from the public

pews from the pews and the little cup ofper-simages. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, it is shagged, marydanoid at gmail.com. Send us anything you want. You know what? You know what? What?

I'm going to sound like your mum here. What? Doesn't have to be filthy. Oh, no, it doesn't. Doesn't have to be filth, guys. Doesn't have to be filth. Some of the best ones are just daft little things, daft little things that have happened,

little thoughts you've had, would-you-rathers, stuff like that. Doesn't have to be filth. I've got one here that isn't filthy at all well let's fucking go here we go good afternoon rosie and it is yeah and bump and chris this is from a while ago oh wow he's here now not a bump anymore yeah following on from a previous podcast talking about airbnb's i just want to let you know that one of my mates from uni is from Wimbledon. Got you. Yeah, I love it when people are from Wimbledon. Why?

Because you just think, oh, that's where the tennis is. You don't think people live there. It's actually that people live there. It's fucking massive. It's quite a large borough in London. I've never been. Never been.

The Wimbledon Common is genuinely, you know, where the Wombles live. Is that where they do it? No, it's where the Wombles live. Underground, overground, Womble and free. The Wombles of Wimbledonomble and free the Wombles of Wimbledon

why did you just realise that never Wimbledon Common that's where they live Wimbledon Common it's a lovely big sort of park thing

is it well it's a common innit but I was looking for another word to describe it didn't they just live off litter recyclers

first recyclers right paved the way not really making Wimbledon sound that nice though is it well it was now you've just got

loads of rats spotless not rat how dare you the Wombles are not rats all the Wombles Not really making Wimbledon sound that nice, though, is it? Well, it was. Now you've just got loads of rats. Spotless. Not rats. How dare you? The Wombles are not rats. Oh, the Wombles. And it's spitting spam because they cleaned it up. How dare you?

How dare you? So anyway, never really thought of Wimbledon as anything other than a tennis. And now the Wombles. But obviously people live there. There's no Airbnb. Idiot. So one of the mates was from Wimbledon. Yeah.

When she went to uni, her parents, who are very well-to-do, apparently, put her very teenage-looking bedroom on Airbnb. Huh. She couldn't go home, as in when. Instead, she used to check if her room was booked up on Airbnb. That's ridiculous. That's ridiculous. That's ridiculous. The question is...

London though, innit? Well, they're asking, would we do that? No. Just because I don't like... I personally don't really like sharing my house with my wife and my kids. Great. Let alone some fucker.

Yeah, I couldn't have a stranger lodging. Not in a million years. The mess that you and Robin make, and Ralph Sonny's way, he's going to start making mess. The stuff you leave lying around. I couldn't have a stranger there. I couldn't have a stranger. Well, two arguments though, okay.

For these people. Wimbledon, that'll get chock-a-block in the summer. Absolutely. That'll be pooped up. Why not? You might get bloody Andy Murray stopping in there. Hey, you never know you never know in the teenage looking bedroom but i mean it is a bit sad that she has to check airbnb to see if she can go home to visit her parents that's a bit sad yeah i mean it's a massive fuck you from

her parents to her which i quite enjoy as a parent and it's only uni so it's not like you can understand she could have came back every week when she got to uni i don't know it doesn't say she could have came back every weekend london's go to uni at? I don't know. It doesn't say. She could have came back every weekend. London's very much the hub of the country. You can get there from everywhere. So bad. See, because I can understand. Do you know when parents or people buy a house

and they're like, well, the kids might come. They're like, they're 35. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They're not coming back to visit you. Yeah, you've got a guest room for them. But uni, they still very much might come back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bless them. But uni, they still very much might come back. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bless them.

But like, like my dad used to say that as a threat. Like, like as a threat, like, well, Blimmin' rent your room out. Like it's a bullshit threat

that parents say. Yeah. I love how much Robin can't get the grips that he sleeps in your old bedroom. Can't get his head around it. Like your mum and dad.

Can't get his head around it. But it's my bedroom. I'm like, but it used to be your dad's, but it's mine. But it was what, he just doesn't understand at all. It's going to be his and Rafe's soon. It's exciting. Oh, well, good luck.

Good luck, Rafe. Trying to get in there when he's allowed. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hello. Please keep me anonymous because I would absolutely die of shame if anyone knew that this was me. Lovely. She just emailed you again.

No, sorry, I know. Mute. Apologies. Don't run it out! I've changed my mind! I used to work abroad as a holiday rep and I was 18 when I first started. Young and daft. Oh, gosh.

When we first arrived in Crete to stay in a hotel for a week's training with all the other reps and did all the excursions and stuff, within about 24 hours of arriving, I had majorly fallen for this older, more experienced rep. And naive to the whole hump and dump rep culture, I thought he was going to be the love of my life. Oh, no. When he made me his fuck buddy for that week. Oh, no.

Seen it before. Can I just say i love the phrase an older more experienced rep yeah how how experienced i am dead experienced me i've been repping for years that is do you not remember when i used to work abroad and i never told you the story so obviously i worked abroad and i was the entertainment team but everyone who came to the hotel used to say how long you been repping for? And I'd go, I'm not a rep.

I'm a singer-dancer, darling. I don't take you on your trips, love. Excuse me, you're definitely not a rep because they're called

excursions. Oh, well, there you go. Times have changed. There you go. Anyway, when we moved onto resort, his interest faded

and he would maybe come back to mine once a week. Moved onto resort, what does faded and he would maybe come back to mine once a week. Moved onto resort. What does that mean? So they've done their training. What happens is you go to the training. Right.

I've been on rep training because even though I was the entertainer. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Sorry. Well, it got me back up a little bit. I'm not going to lie. Me and me are there entertaining our mates.

We had to go on the rep training as well. So you were a rep then? Well, I mean, I had the qualification. Honestly, you were. But the qualification but you know didn't have the pattern didn't have the lifestyle you see what i live with guys you just flip-flops on our beliefs i am not a rep i'm an entertainer's team so on me rep training i did enjoy a lot i did i did i learned a lot about how to yeah i learned a lot about that game where they pass a balloon all the way down the line without it touching the floor and then you're not using that oh yeah the alien a balloon all the way down the line without it touching the floor we weren't on the 80 and the 31

now that I could have got on board with I worked in the gold I worked with the adults only not in a good way no old Thompson Gold doesn't exist anymore a lot of them won't after this but carry on big up toey

right so they get to the resort so they're at the resort That's what I was. A lot of them won't after this, but carry on. Big up, big up toey. Big up toey. Right. So they get to the resort. So they're at the resort. And his interest is faded. So he said, so she was fuck buddy for the week of the training. Now they're at the resort. They happen to be on the same resort.

And interest is faded. They're only fucking once a week. And he'd only come back once a week. While shagging random bar crawl guests every other night of the week. Play her. Oi, oi. Ming. random bar crawl guests every other night of the week. Oi oi! When I think back now, I don't know why I even let this continue as he had probably touched every

fanny from Mali at a blackboard. That's a t-shirt. Yeah. Oh, bless her. Every fanny from Mali at a blackboard. Thing is though, when you're abroad, you're on your own

and you put up with a lot more shit than you normally would. Yeah, you're away from home. Yeah. But I was so sure, it's easier, but I was so sure we were meant to be. Yeah.

We weren't allowed to sleep with our guests. Wow. So we would swap numbers with them before the end of bar crawl while our manager was still around and then text them later to hook up. Ooh, we're getting all the goss. Wow. This boy, let's call him Craig,

used to always drink too much too. And so one night I was hit by the little green monster when I saw Craig swapping numbers with a girl. And when I went to hook him goodbye i swiped his phone out of his back pocket knowing he wouldn't be able to text the girl to find her later wow yeah so she's got very jealous took his phone wow right you think okay that's fair enough silly but you've done it jealousy thing in it whenever whenever someone's in a no strings attached isn't this just sex kind of thing a no-strings-attached, isn't-this-just-sex kind of thing. Yeah. Oney is never is.

Absolutely. It's never... Oney is never is. No, I totally agree. The other one is... I totally agree. I'm totally fine with it. Yeah, yeah, I wouldn't say other people.

Meaning you can see other people and I'll just sit being gutted. Absolutely. Yeah, we've all been there. I'm always the gutted one. I've been the gutted one. And I think I've been the gutty. Have you?

Is that the gutty? Is that the word? Probably not. The one who... The player. You know. Don't kid yourself. I'm kidding myself, yeah. I mean, Chris been the goodie. Have you? Is that the goodie? Is that the word? Probably not. The player. Don't kid yourself. I'm kidding myself, yeah. I mean, Chris, I love you.

She's probably at home crying. You're not the bad boy. And that's why I love you. A short while later, he turned up at my door saying he was drunk and had lost his phone, but ended up climbing into bed with me. Oh, all right. So even though he's getting the numbers, she knew that, that's weird. She's seen him getting the numbers and she knows he's shagging everyone else,

but she's still letting him come in for the sex. Yeah, desperate times, desperate measures. I suppose. I felt a bit bad knowing his phone was locked in the safe of my room, but thought, oh, well, I'll sneak it back tomorrow and he won't think anything of it. Got you.

He woke up before me and had already been to the shop to get a new phone, which comes with a new SIM and a new number. So I didn't bother returning the old one as I was happy he had lost all female numbers in his old phone and they couldn't get him. Wow. Wow.

This is where it gets really interesting. Okay. So time goes on. By the end of that summer, I had 32 mobile phones of his in my safe. Fuck off. That I had stolen from him on nights out. 32.

32. Oh, my God. I don't know why I didn't bin them. Oh, my God. I don't know why I didn't bin them. Oh, my God. 32. I didn't see that coming. No, me neither. I'm speechless.

I mean, I've got to commend. It's pretty impressive. The vigour she's done that with. The determination. Yeah. I feel very sad for her. It must have spent a fortune. I know.

I know. Even if they're only £10 each for a burner phone, even if it's £10 each, what it's not, let's be honest, it's probably 20 quid. That's 600 quid. She says they're like 30 to 40 euros.

Shut the fuck up. Oh my God. So she's gone on to say, I got away with it for so long because he always drank too extreme. So it was a case of, for fuck's sake, Craig's pissed and lost his phone again. Wow. On the last day when we were leaving to fly home and clearing the rooms,

I had to get up mega early and sneak out with him in a plastic bag before he woke up because he had stayed at mine the night before. That is amazing. It isn't, yeah, I'm bragging. Just to clarify, we used to have cheap 30 to 40 euro pay-as-you-go handsets from the Greek shops. I only stole his iPhone once. Once! This is interesting.

We actually ended up together for four years after this. Oh, my word. But really, I shouldn't have bothered as I eventually realised he was just as much of a dirty wanker as I should have known in Crete. Goodness me. There we go. Wow. When we got home, I had, by the end of the four years, six of his house phones, 14 of his computers

and 15 of his front doors with the letterbox on in me house. She's ended this here with, P.S. I am now with a really lovely guy who thinks I am normal, but I do have a fake Instagram that I use to follow

all of his ex-girlfriends as I like to know what they are up to. You are a psychopath. I actually tried to message you from that, but I don't think your Insta accepts messages from nutters.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God, love. You're a maniac. Once a crazy, always a crazy. You're a maniac. You're a maniac. That's very funny. You need to knock that shit on the head,

but fucking entertaining. Wow. See, the thing is, I could understand the phone once. I can and I can't. 30. Rosie, how big's this safe? I know. How big's this safe?

It must be like a fridge. That poor bugger, though. I mean, arsehole if I keep being a dick, but at the same time, you must think you're going crazy. Yeah, but she should go, look, are we a thing or are you just going to keep getting numbers from girls? Have that conversation with them once or twice. If he keeps doing it, you're done.

Yes, but when you're 18, Chris, you don't have that. I'm thinking of the wastage of the phones. I know. I hope she sold them. She could have took them to Wimbledon Common. For the Wombles. Imagine giving them back on the last day. Look, it's been really good fun.

Here's your phones. I found all your phones, by the way, every night when you lost them and didn't tell you. 32. 32. And then I found the last bit really interesting. This is what I saw.

The fake Instagram account. She's with a guy, but this is the thing I found strange. She's following all of his ex-girlfriends. Why? So weird. All it takes is for one of them to see that account and click on and go, and put two and two together and go,

these are all, we've all been out with the same guy. And weirdly, they'll think it's him. The worst thing is they'll think it's him. But why? I don't, like, I don't really want to know what any of your ex-girlfriends, I don't think it's got anything to do with me what your ex-girlfriends are now up to in their life

as women you know probably got kids doesn't just follow him it's not like she's checking his insta she's following what they're doing

yeah what so in case they randomly just put a photo of him up one day going I miss you so much I wish we were still together who knows

I love that she's written as well read the bit where she says I'm with a guy now and what is it I'm with a really lovely guy now who thinks I'm normal who thinks I'm normal. Who thinks I'm normal.

Because I'm nice. Yeah, there's a silent bracket. He's walking around at the end of that, isn't there? Ignorance is bliss. Good luck to the man sleeping next to her every night because she will hurt her.

There'll be a Netflix special and I'll be watching it. It'll be on me list and I can't wait. Your mom's already watched it, she's got how much fucking time on her hands. I'm a massive fan of the podcast and I really wanted to get involved.

I just needed a worthy dilemma. Suddenly, I thought of the perfect question to ask as I need some help pretty soon. Got you. Let's do it. So for context, earlier this year, my boyfriend and I decided to buy a pack of 40 condoms.

40? From Amazon. Good grief. From Amazon? Who's buying the condoms from Amazon? Chris. That's so weird. Shops are shut. Not supermarkets. Well, those have said it works out cheaper than buying lots of packs of smaller amounts. Oh, come on, man. What you's doing? Box of 40.

No, I'm not having this. You can't... Nah. You can't be putting... It's important. If you don't want to have a kid, you know, you can't be putting...

And your sexual health as well. You can't be fucking bargain binning your condoms. They'll be proper condoms. You can buy proper condoms on Amazon. 40! Or do you think they've got cheapos? Right, so you know,

if you go in some shops, you go in them kind of shops that just pop up out of nowhere and they're called like Price Boost and stuff like that. And you buy like fucking... Sell vapes at the till. Yeah, yeah. And you buy massive boxes of Colgate and you go home and you brush your teeth

and it just doesn't taste the same. Okay, yeah, yeah. And then it's on Watch Dogs saying they're made of like fucking acid. Don't brush your teeth with these ones. Yeah. I feel like there might be a bit of that going on with the condoms from if you're buying them from various... Something you don't want to risk with either i just don't i just don't think you should be buying your condoms online unless you've got a circus dick

and you need them from a specific circus dick condoms.com or a tiny little dick either way yeah god bless you all right god bless you all massive massive ball either way um not really bigger ball with the other one just unless you've got some kind of freakish penis okay I don't think you should be

buying your condoms online that's just my opinion right go to buy from buy your condoms from a reputable

condom distributor not like me who went to the corner shop to buy my first ever condoms and the women knew who I was

anyway and I had to buy the condoms it was really really awkward oh no really awkward eaglins's eaglin's next to the rosencrown pub in shields for my first condoms i was like can i get some condoms as well they were like yeah and it was like a weird thing of like oh well done you oh no it's got a post office now that's it's got everything is it a spa i don't But it used to just be a corner shop. That's great. I knew both the ladies who worked there. Closest place. Why didn't you just go somewhere like where no one would know you?

No one else did circus stick condoms, just them. Great. I'm terrified you haven't got a circus stick. How old were you when you first bought your first condom? 16 when I went there. How old were you when you lost your virginity? 16. 16.

Waited. Had to back them off you just gotta stick to the rules honestly heart breaking heart crying screaming

banging on the door please Chris please look look not allowed look you know the date

August the 3rd come back then like the one direction no the year after the year after right I'll see you then I was 15 what a slag just disgusting that I know No, the year after. The year after. Right? I'll see you then.

I was 15. What a slag! Just disgusting, that. I know. But I had a really late birthday. That's... No, all my friends were 16 before me. Your birthday is 27 days after mine. Yeah.

So did you have it after the 3rd of August? What do you mean? Did you have sex after the 3rd of August when you were 15? Was that when it happened? Probably before that. Slag. No excuse. I'll wait it. I'll wait it. My boobs came in at 40 and I was ready.

My boobs came in. My boobs came in at Holy Island. My body was telling me. It was telling me. My mind's telling me no. But my body oh guys my depression has lifted for this

can I just say my depression has lifted this episode that's why I'm a little bit more chipper it's good isn't it just want to say I was in a healthy relationship

it wasn't just like at 15 not consensual though by law so so yeah I mean he was only 47 I'm joking just like at 15 not consensual though by law so so yeah I mean he was only 47

I'm joking 47 wasn't he was the same age as I I know the guy oh god that's weird

what I've got fake account I follow him follow them all surprise most of them at your New Zealand at their age. They're doing well though.

There's photos of their grandkids and that. Oh my word. So anyway, right. Oh, we're through a question? Yes,

we were, yeah. So they bought 40 condoms off Amazon, right? Ridiculous. Presumptuous. Presumptuous.

We got this delivered to an Amazon locker. That's even better. And took it to his house, hidden in his backpack, before he transferred the condoms into an inconspicuous Disney store cardboard box that I had given him a mug in so he could tell his mum that it contained sentimental, lovey-dovey notes

if she ever tried to look in it. I find it creepy that they put it in a Disney box. I don't like that at all. Well, it gets worse. I just don't like that. For context, they're both 19,

but he shares a room with his younger brother. Right. Hence, the sneaking around. Got you. Okay. Okay.

This was the perfect arrangement. Perfect. Like a Disney movie. Far from perfect. As every time we needed one, they were right there. 40 of the bad lads, right? And once we were done, we would pop the used condom back in its wrapper and back into the box so we didn't have to worry about getting rid of it.

Oh, you dirty, horrible sods. No! Oh, God! It'll be like a fucking cream cake. Fast forward to now, and we are down to our last few condoms. Lockdown obviously put a halt to certain activities. At this point, some of the used condoms have been in that box for over half a year. Fucking nah, nah, horrible. And as you might expect, the thing reeks.

Of course it does. It'll smell like off fucking Yorkshire pudding mix. Dirty. Oh. I hate them. Can I just say, Rosie, it's just the fact that going to get a condom, they say it kills the mood. It doesn't kill the mood, but it kind of stutters the mood.

Yeah, of course. Not only does he have to get a condom, he has to thumb through fucking 30-odd manky used ones and get his old spunk and her old juices all over his fingers before he finds the new one oh I've got one here oh no hold on I just hadn't opened that one much no yeah

there's a dirty one in there yeah oh like a dirty grabber that's horrendous the smell is a combination of latex

sweat and embarrassingly fish that's horrendous. That you honestly, poor lad, he shares a room with. I know, I know. There are grease marks all over the inside of the box. Oh my God, grease!

I really hope it's just from the lube. Oh, I feel fucking sick. No, it doesn't take much. It takes a lot to turn my stomach and this is upsetting me a lot this like dirty bastard we know that we need to get rid of it ASAP as honestly

it's a miracle that we stay in the mood after we've got the protection out of there and the smell has hit oh the fucking bio has had however we're unsure whether it's possible to get rid of it it. Oh! The fucking bio has eyes. However, we're unsure whether it's possible to get rid of it without its contents being discovered

and questioned. Plus, the box is really cute and I'd quite like to keep it. I'd just Febreze the shit out of it and potentially add a new lining of sorts. Oh, so it's not a cardboard box. It's like a proper, like, like something you'd get a fucking trophy in.

Possibly. With the velvet lining. That's even worse. Oh, that's worse. I thought it was a cardboard box that the mug was in. Oh, it's like a proper, like, ornamental, like what you get

a watch in, an expensive watch. A little bit, yeah. Oh, my. This is upsetting, isn't it? Oh, devastated. Why would you choose that? Go to a bin. You're 19-year-old.

That's the thing. What are they doing? We're worried that they might see we're taking the rubbish out of the house. Well, do you know what? If they haven't fucking smelt that by now, I'm guessing they're not very perceptive. You could probably walk out with it and go and throw this whole box away. You walk with it on. I'm surprised it hasn't walked out by itself.

Horrendous, aren't they? So my first question is, what do we do? Go and throw them in. How can we secretly throw away 40 condoms without being found out? It's not 40 condoms, it's a box. You only know that it's 40 condoms. I'm getting angry. But they've got it in there.

It's built up into something bigger than they can control now. It's written all over the face. It is. In old Spunk. It is. Dirty, horrible fucking song. No, it's like... Listen, if you're listening,

if you are the person listening now, I mean, I've hammered you, I've insulted you so much, but if you're still listening, just put it in a carrier bag, two carrier bags, double bag it, and either put it in the backpack

as you're going out or just fucking hold it in your hand. Just walk out. Your parents aren't going to be on you that much. No, but in their brains, they have built it up so much that they think they are going to go to the front door and the mum's going to be like, what much. No, but in their brains, they have built it up so much that they think they are going to go to the front door and the mum's going to be like,

what have you got there? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. What have you got? What's happening? What is it? Oh, let me see. Let me see. And they've made it into something bigger

than it needs to be. Pushed in the bin. The backstory you've given is going to make you look like fucking Hannibal Lecter if this ever gets found out. Careful when you're cleaning around there. Don't knock my sentimental box over. Oh, they keep sentimental memory stuff in there oh let's have a look it's every spunk that he ever did spaff

so bad just going through in the bin it doesn't matter just going through the bin my thing now is the way what bin do you put it in double bag and put it in the kitchen bin under all the stuff go and go and put it recycle recycle no but and put it in the kitchen bin under all the stuff. Go and put it in. Recycle, no. But you know, obviously don't put them down the toilet. I know that. Yeah. But you just go normal bins, right?

Throw the box away as well. Please throw the box away. Put it in a carrier bag, bag it up, go into the kitchen bin, put it in the kitchen bin, go, this bin's getting full. I'll just take it out, done.

Yeah. Fucking hell. If you've got a job, take it to work. Take it to the works bin. Honestly, at this point, I would even go with just open your window and sling it out the fucking window

and then just say someone threw it over the fence. Can we just clarify? This probably wouldn't be happening if it wasn't COVID. If it wasn't lockdown, yeah. Yeah. Everyone's stuck in the house. I kind of understand. I don't understand it.

No, no, no. No, I mean, I still don't. It's absolutely disgusting. Shameful. Actually, if you're listening, honestly, get rid of them condoms, you monkey horrible bastards. Bury them in the garden by nightfall if you have to. The dog will get them.

Oh, you will as well. Don't give up a bit of that. Dogs love used condoms. I mean, we know. We've had the stories. Multiple stories, yeah. Let's not put used condoms in a Disney box. Yeah, it's weird.

That's so horrible. Yeah, I don't like that at all. I don't know why. No, I don't know. I just don't think it's right. Just put them in the Amazon box that they came in. Oh, maybe, yeah. Not the Disney box.

Oh, God. Horrible. I've got it. I've got it. I've just worked out. I've just worked out how to get rid of it. How? Get a takeaway.

Get pizza. Take the pizza up to the room and the side dishes and everything. Finish it all, right? Put the boxes in. Put all the condoms into the pizza box. Yeah. Pull the pizza box in half and go, I'm just going to take this straight up to the top bin. Oh, is any left of that pizza?

It smells delicious. Let me, what kind of pizza did you get? Let me see. Anchovy. Anchovy. Can you smell it? Wouldn't work. Wouldn't work. Not if the pizza box is folded up. Oh, what's pizza? They've obviously got a very very, very suspicious parents. Yeah.

Wouldn't work Chris sorry once again as always thank you so much for tuning in to our lovely little podcast Shagward and Oid is now part of the Acast Creator Network thank you so much guys we hope you're okay we hope you're hanging in there

the end is hopefully nearly in sight yeah thank you so so so much for sticking with us and keep listening. We will be back next week. Until then, please do continue to send in your emails to shagmarioid at gmail.com. The merch is still available on the website.

And if you use the code STRANGLEWANG, I'm joking. Thanks very much, guys. Bye. Bye. Please don't. Bye. Please don't. Do-do-do-do-do-do.

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