Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 107. Bucking Mad

Episode Date: March 12, 2021

On the podcast this week Chris and Rosie discuss grey hairs, lockdown babies and the SMA tour. There is a Rosie's mystery that involves some swollen genitalia, the beefs get crispy (literally) and a listener gets in touch to share an unusual use of a sock. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, dot ca fuck i'll tell you what i wish i could bake like the lad so yes i'm going very slightly gray just on the sides do you know what it is normally it's because i have obviously i have a haircut regularly in in real life and it goes and it but i was trying to

explain this to you the other day and you couldn't get your head around it i get it trimmed not not because the gray starts coming through but it just happens to coincide with the exact time the gray starts coming through no no yeah it's justide with the exact time the grey starts coming through. No, yeah. No! No! Yeah. It's just like, normally, the hairdresser will go,

oh, you've got a bit of grey coming through. And every time she goes, you've got a bit of grey coming through. And I feel like saying, yeah, well, it's at this stage of length that it starts coming through.

No, so what? So your grey hair only grows to a certain length? That's bullshit. It's grey roots. It looks alright, to be honest. I'm going to do, like the guy, like Paulie off grey roots. It looks alright, to be honest.

I'm going to do like the guy, like Paulie off the Sopranos. I'm going to get it a bit longer. I'm going to slick it all back and then when it gets really grey I'm going to slick them back each side and have grey wings. Please don't.

Grey wings like that. That's the worst hairstyle. And I'm going to start wearing a tracksuit all the time. Alright, great. Apart from when I go to the casino and I'm going to wear a suit with a really big long collar

on the front. Great. For anyone who hasn't seen Sopranos, I'm sorry. This is all wasted on you. Yeah. I'm going to start murdering people as well. Oh collar on the front. Great. For anyone who hasn't seen Sopranos, I'm sorry. This is all wasted on you. Yeah. I'm going to start murdering people as well. Oh, great.

I just need a hobby. Can't wait. I'm busy watching a programme all about, was it the Mafia? Are they called the Mafia? Are they called the Mafia? Yes, they are called the Mafia. Okay, well, I'm watching a programme about, like, Mafia kids. Mafia kids?

It's not called that. It's not a rug rat? No. It's called the Cartel crew the cartel crew it's do you know what it is that sounds like a band that sounds like a band that you would name yourself in in in comprehensive school do you know it is i don't really want to slag it off because they are they're all affiliated right okay so i'm a bit scared to say anything but um they kind of you know people said i was hanging on your coattails when i started doing this podcast right they're kind of i can't chris i can't say anything i'll get killed you'll get you'll get rubbed out you'll get whacked you'll

get whacked no they they their parents were like part of the cartel and oh right okay so what does this happen what happens in their show? It's like Real Housewives. Oh, fuck me. What it is. Jesus Christ. But Mafia kids, but they're all older now, obviously.

Right. And they're just like... Oh, talking about what it was like to be a kid with a Mafia pair. Yeah. That's interesting. I'd watch that. Well, no, but they go...

So it's not just a documentary, it's kind of like a reality show. Oh, so they're going around living their lives. So they're all going out for dinner and going for dinner. Right, okay, okay. A couple of questions,

a couple of questions. Yeah. Do they host events and get annoyed that the other one hasn't come yes great um does a few of them have uh clothing brands or uh drink brands that they're launching yes great same as every fucking piece of shit you watch i don't want to see it christ how many clothing brands can these people launch? Cheers, I've launched my new line. And we've got... Do the two hats that cover up grey hair. Because I will be up for that. If one of them does a hair dye, I might get on board with that.

I don't think I'd ever dye my hair. I just feel like everyone knows. I feel like you get a little bit of grey coming through. And then it's like, hey, guess what? You know that tiny bit of grey? Suddenly all my hair's jet black fully natural isn't that mad

isn't it weird how nature does that it's like reversal of time guys enough waffling on it is episode 107 107 Rosemary

wow I do like that number you like that number 107 107 okay 107 no you said it I'm not even doing the mingle thing guys thank you so so much I do like that number. You like that number, 107? 107. Okay. 107.

No, you said it. I'm not even doing the mingle thing. Guys, thank you so, so much for listening. We absolutely love you out there. We hope you're all okay. And before going any further, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Can't wait. This week's sponsor.

Rosie, you're going to love it, I'm telling you. Am I actually, though? This is yours. This is right in your street. This week's sponsor is... Yeah. Calling back. This was an affiliated sponsor earlier. This is Righty Real Street. This week's sponsor is... Yeah. Calling back. This was an affiliated sponsor earlier.

This was an episode three sponsor, but this is a new brand. This is a new product from the same brand. Is it anything to do with the cartel crew? Absolutely not. Right. This week's sponsor is... Uninterrupted Sleep.

Oh, I remember that. Don't, because I was going to talk about that. Uninterrupted Sleep. Hey, get yourself to bed When are you getting up? In the morning Really? Not four times during the night? No, in the morning Sure, sounds weird

No, honestly, in the morning Oh, don't, because it's really upsetting All the way through Head it's that pillow Get up in the morning What's that? What's that a drool mark on your pillow you must be lying there a while lovely do you see the pm and then the next thing you see is the am

you know sometimes i go to sleep right it says 10 04 i shut my eyes i open them it says 10 04 i think oh i've blinked i haven't i've slept all the way through 12 I'm fucking if you're wondering if you've just started listening to this podcast and you think what the hell are these two arseholes talking about we've got a baby

got a new baby he's 8 weeks and do you know what touch wood he's not that bad at sleeping the loudest kid you know he sleeps

but he's the loudest kid in the world he screams while he's asleep we've had to move him to the other side of the bedroom right at the bottom of the bedroom yeah and he gets asleep. We've had to move him to the other side of the bedroom. Right at the bottom of the bedroom, yeah.

And he gets up for a drink. We should get him a little soundproof booth, like a wrapper. Well, let's put some egg cups on his snooze pod. Like a drum. Do you mean egg boxes? Yeah, what did I say? Egg cups.

Great. That's because I'm tired. Porcelain egg cups. Let's take loads of egg cups. I feel like egg cups are making it a lot louder. Just tiny little china. I feel like let's take loads of egg cups I feel like egg cups would make it a lot louder just tiny little china I feel like if we stuck loads of egg cups

in this news pod and I put a picture of that on Instagram I would get annihilated I feel like social services would be around it in a second I think they would

yeah so no egg boxes though they're more nice and light if one fell on his head and they look great looks great having egg boxes just glued everywhere well we'll paint them

great Robin can paint them. Great. Robin could paint them. Oh my gosh, there's an activity. We don't need them and he's at school. No more activities. Oh, yes. Fuck the activities.

God. Hey, if you're out there having an under-upper sleep, very well done. And if you're out there with a child, new baby, having hardly any sleep, we feel you. We love you. Yeah. You've got it. Here's the jingle. There it is. Thank you.

Remember this time. Booyah. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on the jingle. There it is. Thank you. You should remember this time. Booyah! We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle.

We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. Jingle. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Mountain Oids. It's so lovely to have you back. It is. Jingle! Tell them you value them. I value you. Talk to just them. Don't address them as a group or whatever the fucking hell you're saying. I tried to teach you that and you've never took it on board. No, because I see guys because they're a collective. They're a big, massive collective.

They need to know that it's solidarity. They need to know that there's other smiles out there. No, because the person, you just meant to talk directly to them. I don't like that. To the person listening. So I hope that you're enjoying this podcast. I hope that you're all enjoying this podcast. I have to put the all in because it makes it feel popular. Right, okay. Yeah, so I know there's loads of people out. I hope that you're all enjoying this podcast. I have to put the all in

because it makes it feel popular. Right, okay. Yeah, so I know there's loads of people out. I'm glad, I'm glad. Trump was too big for us. God, fuck my life! You're actually flicking your cuffs like someone in the mafia.

You're shooting your cuffs. That's what they do, they shoot their cuffs. So if they've got the suit on and you've got the white shirt underneath, you go, hey, shoot your cuffs. And they go, wah! You flick your arms like that

and then the cuffs come out from the suit jacket shoot the cuffs nice don't ever say this isn't educational so there you go oh wouldn't it i'd say what you've been up to but i mean we've been living together mainly my uh my hobbies at the moment my main hobby includes um, consists entirely of making sure that Robin, our oldest, our five-year-old, doesn't wake up Rafe during the day while Rafe's sleeping. And then on a night, I spend my entire night making sure Rafe doesn't wake up Robin. And then I repeat it the next day. And that's... Can I fuck off now? Is that done?

Is that me finished? Yeah, that's all we need to know. That's me life. That's me life. It's so life yeah but yeah tell you what it was rave slept loads during the day when he was first born obviously and sound like sound asleep you could have a party you wouldn't even know yeah now he's not he can't so much and robin will not leave him alone oh he's constantly on him constantly touching him constantly looking at him and i just just, it's just infuriating. It is lovely how obsessed Robin is with Rafe.

However, anyone who's got a sort of a big age gap, like what five years, like what we've got. When your boisterous five-year-old is obsessed with the baby, it's almost like you can't ever leave them alone. It's like, I imagine it's like a gorilla playing with a kitten. You're like, careful. I'll keep an eye on them. Oh, he's going to break one of his arms for sure.

Yeah, yeah. For sure. If Rafe makes it to two without a broken bone because of his brother, I'll be shocked. Yeah. Honestly. He just leans on him all the time. The leaning is so annoying.

Did I tell you about when he kissed him in his pram? No. So I was out on a walk and went up to the shop and Robin leant into Rafe's pram to give him a kiss. But whilst doing it, he leaned on his stomach and Rafe vomited. Yeah. So obviously a normal human with sort of knowledge

of leaning on stuff and babies would lean on the sides of the pram. I mean, yeah. Or, you know, you lean on a wall he put his full weight on his stomach and he vomited just to give him a kiss and I was like really well there we go

loves him though it comes from love people ask what it's like to have two it's exactly the same as having one apart from the older one is there shouting at you while you're dealing with how hard the first one was. It's a nightmare. It's difficult.

Do you not find it strange, though, because now that we have a new baby during this pandemic, now that Robin is back at school, thank the Lord! Yes! Thank you! Yes. Hallelujah, hallelujah.

I now see having a newborn baby as the easiest thing in the world. Yeah, when Robin's not there. Yeah. Rafe's a piece of piss. It as the easiest thing in the world. Yeah, when Robin's not there, rave's a piece of piss. It's the easiest thing in the world. Yes, but let's not glamorise the fact because newborn babies are not easy, but compared to having a child during lockdown stuck in the house,

it's the easiest thing in the world. That's what I mean. Yeah, it's almost a holiday. Yeah, it's great. Yeah, when Robin's at school and just raves here, it is like, oh, this is really, yeah, yeah. I've said it before, though,

the funny, because we were talking to someone the other day and they were like oh I can't wait they can crawl it's lovely when they can crawl it's fucking not like fun and games are over

when they can crawl the fun is when you I just love the fact I've said it before that I can put Rafe on his back anywhere in the house and do something

and he's there when I get back I did something I can't remember what it was but I literally just put him on his back in the middle of the floor and I was like

you're not fucking going anywhere are you I know you're not you will be right there when I get back won't you you useless little shit it's great but once they can roll and crawl

and oh that's when the fun starts night man stops or starts depends how you look at it it's a little of the two men and they're having kickoffs and being in bog

and you have to carry them out with one shoulder still traumatised by that oh you had to do that didn't you have I said this as well, I've got a really funny feeling that when we're trying to discipline Ray,

Robin's going to be all up in my grill. Sticking up for him? Big time. Big time. He's going to be like, don't shout at me, brother. And be like,

you don't understand. Stay out of this. Like a pub fight. This was your step once. It's got nothing to do with you. Stay out of it. Are we going to do naughty step in that or not?

Did we do it with Robin? I wasn't here. I know. No, I didn't really do the naughty step. I did the shut the door on them. Brilliant. Sorry, just to clarify, shut them in our room, not slam the door on them. There's a door in between our living room

and the hallway. Instead of putting them on naughty step, I used to just put them in the hallway. Stop showing off about all the doors. So many doors. So gaudy. Got all the doors, will you? So many doors. You're so gaudy. Got all the doors. I used to just put them in the hallway and say I'm not speaking here.

Okay, then. Fuck off. You do that to me as well. That's weird. Works with me as well. Chris going to stand in the hallway. You know I don't like being ignored. Have you noticed that Robin

is at that age now when we have an argument or a little crossed word he's like, stop shouting at each other. Well normally what's really nice is he says, Mammy stop being nasty to Dad. Normally when I'm in the wrong I don't think he can follow the narrative. Does he say that?

Yeah, he's said it a few times. He's said the idea, he's like, Mammy don't be nasty to Daddy and I'm like thank you. Well you're selective here because he's definitely said Daddy don't say that to Mam. And I'm like, thank you. Well, you're selective here because he's definitely said Daddy, don't say that to Mammy. I don't think so. He really has. I think you're making this up.

Let's get him on the phone. Right, let's ring the school. Imagine ringing the school. I considered ringing the school today. This is so weird. Why? So he got sent, someone out there

sent him some Mr. Men biscuits. Iced biscuits with all the new Mr. Men characters on. And he opened them yesterday and we showed him them. And he's very good. He'll have one and go. He knows he's having them later.

And I wanted one this morning. So I ate one, but I was like, I need to ask him. I should really, because they're his, I should ask him if I can have it. And I genuinely for a second thought, should I bring the school? Absolutely. Are you taking the piss?

But I just thought it shows like, Oh my word. If he's got like a responsibility over his biscuits or whatever. No. Oh my God. I mean, I didn a responsibility over his biscuits or whatever. No. Oh my God. I mean, I didn't. I just ate it in the end. But it crossed my mind momentarily.

It'd just ring reception and go. What is wrong with you? Can you get Robin Ramsey? Can you put up on the phone? Just ask him if I can have one of his Mr. Men biscuits. Right. I just need to stop you because I've worked in schools, right? If somebody's parents rang, somebody's dad rang and said,

could you ask such and such if I can have one of these biscuits? We wouldn't have stopped talking about that for months. Every afternoon in the staff room when he went, do you remember when his dad rang to ask if he could have biscuits? What's going on there? What's that all about? His dad's a looper. Yeah, you can't be doing that.

When are you honestly going to do it? Well, I'll phone up and tell them I was just joking. I didn't. I'm joking. I'm kidding. I didn't. It weirdly crossed my mind though. But I do that now and then it'll cross my mind of how weird it'll be. I'll be like, imagine how weird it would be if I did this. But you've got no boundaries though?

Yeah, no, not really. No. Maybe I'm just a bit i'm a bit um jealous because you'll just ring anyone i'll bring anyone yeah i'm not bothered at all yeah it doesn't bother us i can't help it i hate ringing anyone i give people too much too soon too much of myself just an update guys so the tour dates of the shag my adenoid podcast tour by the way i saw when we announced last week that the tour dates were going to get guys so the tour dates of the shag my denoy podcast tour by the way i saw when we announced last week that the tour dates were going to get moved so the may june dates are getting moved we don't exactly know when yet i know that's a bit annoying but we're just trying to finalize

them we're hoping it's gonna be this year we've got trust issues basically yeah we've got trust issues with covid and the government and everything that's going on we don't know what's going on but we're hoping it'll be this year they're not happening may june but we're hoping we'll be able to squeeze them in before the end of the year anyway i got a tweet i saw a tweet the idea when we put a thing out saying we've moved the two edits a tweet off someone it said i can't remember the exact number but it said something like what the fuck i'm on episode 30 and now there's a tour no way i didn't even know like they've started the podcast from scratch and now they're like what the fuck there's a tour a tour? Like, which I took a little,

I took it a little slightly offensively because they can't believe that this is going to be live somewhere. Can they believe that there's 107 of them? Yeah, yeah. Crazy. But yeah, so that's what's happening, guys. It might be this year.

Hopefully it's going to be this year. We'll keep you informed. We know being in the dark is a bit annoying, but we're also in the dark. We just want to let you know straight away. As soon as we could, that May and June probably aren't, definitely aren't going to happen.

We're all in the dark together. like one of them dark rooms in gran canaria sorry you ever been in a dark room no gran canaria what's a dark room in gran canaria what the hell is this a sex thing yeah what yeah have you talked about this before i don't know a dark room in gran canaria well explain yourself alright it's it's well I went to Gran Canaria and Maspaloma

is big up it's a lovely lovely part of the world sounds it it's like the gay quarter alright okay and the dark rooms

it's just in some of the in some of the bars in the clubs I feel like we've talked about this we probably have or have I imagined it maybe I've

well I mean so it's in a nightclub yeah and there's a room where it's dark it's like corridors where it's really dark and what happens well what do you think happens well I mean so it's in a nightclub yeah and there's a room where it's dark there's like corridors where it's really dark and what happens

well what do you think happens well I don't know well stuff happens and it's just pitch black so you don't really know who you're doing stuff with that's so exciting

that's not exciting at all that's not you could you could be standing in the dark tossing someone off it could be the end of the night the lights come on and it's your dad

that's horrible risky She could be standing in the dark tossing someone off. It could be the end of the night. The lights come on and it's your dad. That's horrible. Risky. What's wrong with everyone? It's genuinely a thing. This might be the first tour announcement I've ever had something like that on the end of it, by the way. Sorry. You just joined.

We're welcome. It's the kind of shit that goes on. Sorry for the guy who's at episode 30. So my maternity leave's shit. Yeah? Yeah. You're working more than anyone in your maternity leave. It's just utter shit.

Yeah. What even is it? Horrible. What is it? I'm being anyway, Chris. Rafe's met no one. No. Rafe thinks there's only like six people in the world.

Look, you bastard. Yeah. What do you think would happen if we actually took him to a massive crowded room tomorrow, like a big massive hall and there was loads of people in? I think he'd freak the fuck out. Possibly. I don't know if you know what the hell was going on.

Well, did I say to you that I saw my friend on a walk in the cemetery of all places? Brilliant. And her little boy is nine months old now. She's going back to work she's a teacher yeah and i leant into his palm and i was like hello and he just burst out burst out crying she was like he's a lockdown baby oh my god so sad that is so sad i mean it's funny but it's really sad it's very sad oh my god just think when they're older and

they can talk about it at school and stuff. Yeah, yeah. And then they'll tell the grandkids one day, like, I was a lockdown baby and blah, blah, blah and stuff like that. That'd be a thing. Yeah. Yeah. You've got your sort of millennials, your Gen Z. And you've got your lockdown babies.

Yeah. Yeah. Wow. And you've also got, like, war people. War people. Like, my granddad, my nana and granddad were kids during the war. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So I took my grandad's

gas mask to school yeah showed everybody yeah loved that day I was proper centre of attention because you took a gas mask took me gas mask in

everyone everyone wanted to be my friend that day Robin's gonna go in Robin's gonna go in for or Rafe's gonna go in for a presentation this is the pillow

that me mum and dad screamed into on a daily basis and this is the wifi code we mum and dad screamed into on a daily basis. This is the Wi-Fi cord. We were all on that. Nothing else to do. This is hand sanitiser.

Here's my mum and dad's face mask. Bit like a gas mask. You can see my mum's fucking lipstick on there because it's a disposable one but she did keep it in her car for six months because she's a fucking animal but she did keep it in her car for six months because she's a fucking animal. She didn't wash it

because she wanted to up her immune system. This is blue roll and spray that they used to clean trolleys with. Look at this. Kids at the back, boo!

Boo! Boo! I'm trying to think of anything else pandemic-y. This is a bag of flour. You couldn't get this. Was there rations? No, no. Everyone just went fucking mental and bought all of the flour

for no reason. No reason at all. There was this thing called TikTok. Hours and hours of people wasting their lives. Yeah. Good times. A plus. Well done.

I want to hear you joining in. Joining in. Joining in. That's awful. The worst DJ ever. Oh, God. I would love to do a DJ set, joining in. That's awful. The worst DJ ever. Oh, God. I would love to do a DJ set, you know. I might do it on the tour.

Yeah. Can I have a booth at the back? No. Please? No. Just a little DJ booth. And I'll just do, honestly, six minutes. That's all I'll do.

That's lazy. Six minutes set. You've got to do a full set. You've got to do an hour and a half. What, at the end? While everyone's walking out? Yeah. Right, okay. When they've already walked out. And I'll be back at full set. You've got to do an hour and a half. What, at the end? While everyone's walking out? Yeah. Right, okay.

When they've already walked out. Right. And I'll be back at the hotel. I'll do it. Yeah? I'll do it. You'll just stay in an empty arena and DJ. Yeah.

Deal. It's time for Rosie's Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Our Robin can whistle, you know I might get him to do this next week

He hasn't even got any front teeth I think that's why he's whistling Come on, here's me set No, don't let the dance bit play again It actually makes us feel a little bit happy Fair enough Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Come on, here's me set. No, don't let the dance bit play again. It actually makes us feel a little bit happy. Fair enough. Right, hang on.

Here we go. Go, go, go, go, go. One, two, three. On the M-I-C. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go.

Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. Here we go. If you want to run, pick up the pace. I'll do it. I can't do it. Oh, that was great. If you want to run.

That was great, right? Because what you try to do is you try to pretend you are like one of them internet sort of, you know, like the classes that they do online where they're running their bikes and stuff. And you're like, if you want to run, the bikes and stuff and you're like if you're on a run and then you quickly realised you had no terminology for running if you're on a run

oh god I don't know what to do put the other foot in front of the other a bit faster oh god stretch stretch

don't forget to warm down warm down genuinely if you are on a run right now yeah fucking hurry up oh take your own time do whatever you want.

I'm joking. Listen to her. Sorry. Dare you. Right. Rosie, don't talk about things you don't understand. I'm going to start doing

Couch to 5K again. Oh, okay. I'm just wondering how long I can get out of doing it because I had a section. Got you. So I'm going to Google later. You're going to dine out on that

for a while, are you? I'm going to Google later and say, when can you start exercising after a section? And I'm pretty, I later and say when can you start exercising after a section and I'm I mean cross your fingers

come on no but I know what you're doing 20 weeks so loads of people would go they'd get like three numbers

and they'd pick the average and they'd go in the middle you will pick the longest one you'd be like well 100,000

people here say that's six weeks but one person here from Virginia posted on the internet 20 years ago that it's actually 20 weeks so I'm gonna just to be safe

there was a yoga teacher I was a Pilates can't remember she told me not the same thing wow wow that's that's grim sorry I was just trying to sort of be funny just flipping just trying to be flippant Trying to be funny, aren't you? Just flipping. Just trying to be flippant. She told me that after a C-section, you shouldn't exercise for a year. Wow. And I've kept that.

Okay. What was her opinion on eating Easter eggs in one sitting? Was there something about that? She said... Yeah. Hang on, let me just remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Her exact words, more the merrier.

Right, it was her exact words? Yeah. Wow, okay, good. I have to get her information, get her struck off. What was it? Did she cover? No, she was really lovely. In this quick seminar that you had with her,

when she said don't exercise, eat as many Easter eggs, did she cover what to do with the buttery sauce at the bottom of a tray that had some roast duck in? Did she say you and your mom should eat that by the spoon like you did last Friday night? Or did she say probably don't drink the duck fat?

What was it? What was it? Why are you bringing up the duck fat? Just for anyone who needs to know, we've got a big up House of Tides, Kenny Atkinson, fantastic chef. He won Great British Menu, didn't he? It's a mission star restaurant in newcastle he's a mate

of ours and he does takeouts uh deliveries and takeaways and stuff collection during all this time and uh we got uh like a tasting menu the other night and it was incredible and the main course was duck yeah and it was in some kind of duck fat uh or whatever and you put a bit you know you drizzle a bit on top as i did and then rosie and her mom went over to the other side of the kitchen and just spooned it out of the tray directly into their mouths um just imagine just imagine a woman and her mother just drinking just butter with bits of duck fat in it that's basically what i had to watch i watched that for a good five ten minutes and then i just went to bed it's because it was warm. If it had been cold, it would have solidified

and been a bit disgusting. Because it was warm, you don't think of the calories. It wasn't until you said you started just drinking fat I kind of went, oh, well. It didn't stop though, did it?

No. It was really nice. Yeah, it was really nice. It tasted really good. It was really nice. Yeah, it was really nice. It tasted really good. It was really nice to be fair, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Great. Oh, wait, what's your mystery?

Okay, here's a mystery. Dear Chris and Rosie, this story could be a good cues from the pews or a Rosie's mystery. My partner works as a paramedic. In this story, she told me of her second ever shift on the road will stay with me until the day I die.

She would have sent it to herself, but she felt too mean. Oh. Or professional. Yeah, yeah. That's the word you're looking for. Yeah. Didn't feel mean.

She has a profession That she probably wants to keep Oh no Anyway Very good They were called to a job And when they arrived The gentleman said

He had swollen testicles Oh goodness me They obviously had to examine the area So off popped the trousers And there it was Sorry Who phones an ambulance For swollen testicles?

What do you mean? She's a paramedic. Who's phoning the ambulance? Who's looking at their bollocks and going, biggies, hello, 999, what are you doing? Do you think she just went A&E? Aye, why are you fucking running? Chris, some people ring ambulances

like they ring bloody takeaways. Yeah, yeah, I suppose. Do you know, isn't it apparently like 400 quid every time someone rings an ambulance? Is that how much it costs? It's really expensive, apparently. Oh, goodness me. I don't think I've ever rang one.

Have I ever been in an ambulance? Or have been in an ambulance? Have you been in an ambulance? I've never been in an ambulance. Have you not? Why were you in an ambulance? Oh, I fainted in Tammy Girl. Right.

Do you know what I told you about this? Big up Tammy Girl, rest in peace. Big up, eat ham, Tammy Girl. Yeah. Here's a funny story. The place I fainted, I ended up working there years later. It was a Dorothy Perkins.

And you know what? This is funny. I said to the manager, I went, I fainted, yeah? She went, was that you? Shut up, man. Yeah, because she worked there when it was exam as well. And I was like, that was me.

Hello. Nice to meet you again. I'm back. I won't faint today. So you fainted and they got an ambulance for you? I cracked my head open. Oh my goodness.

Why don't I know this? I don't know. Did you bleed on any of the stuff? Why is that my first question? So I didn't bleed on any of the clothes. Right. I'd been really poorly over Christmas. Stops in poorly.

You're an adult. I was only 30 at the time. I'd been very unwell over Christmas. Genuinely, to this day, I kept telling everyone I had meningitis. I don't think I'd been very unwell over Christmas. Genuinely, to this day, I kept telling everyone I had meningitis. I don't think I did, but I told people that.

I love it when you do that. I love it when you just decide. Suspected my mum. No. Did my mum tell us? I kept telling people it was suspected meningitis. I think I had cold.

It was just a bit of a bad cold. Great. Anyway, so I was really poorly and I thought I was better and it was Boxing Day and I was like, I feel better. My Nana was like, do you want to go it was Boxing Day and I was like I feel better

me Nana was like do you want to go shopping Boxing Day sales Boxing Day sales too right had Christmas money I'm not daft so we went shopping

and I fainted and I fainted at the tills smashed my head off the floor and there was I woke up and I remember looking to my side and there was blood

but it looked like jam right it was clotted it may have been so this is boxing day how much meat fat had you drank the day before because it may well have been jam it might have been full-on just jam coming out of your head it was actually cranberries so yeah got an ambulance um i was actually i was a bit i was a bit perplexed because, got an ambulance.

Actually, I was a bit perplexed. Because I got an ambulance, I was in hospital, my brother and sister turned up, and they had a McDonald's. So my mum had got them a treat because I was in hospital. Right. Sorry, who goes to the hospital to see their child via the drive-thru? Sandra. That's unbelievable.

That's terrible parenting. We're on our way, sweetheart. Are you okay? Hold on. We'll be a little bit longer. There's a queue. There is a queue. We've given Kevin the wrong Happy Meal toy. I've just got to pop in and change his Happy Meal toy. Hang in there, love.

I never thought about that. That's ridiculous. I know. That's Shan, that actually is. Shan. The word Shan. Say, stuff I've never heard since the 90s. Tammy girl and Shan. Come on. Do another one.

Yeah. Chinny Blaine. Chinny Blaine. Right, listen. This man's, these testicles are massive. So. Oh. Right.

Apparently. Oh, by the way, I was fine. I just had to have some staples. I assumed you were fine. You're sitting here now. I had to have some staples in'd assumed you were fine you're sitting here now I had to have some staples in my head do you think I thought you died

what was really frustrating was they were like right we need to put some staples in your head can you put your head between your legs to get your staples in

I failed again brilliant so I was like what are you trying to kill us for get us to lie down on my front why have they got us

that's another thing. Stables freaked me out. Yeah, it was horrible. Yeah, I don't like that. Couldn't wash my hair. My hair was like clotted with blood for a good couple of weeks. How do I not know about this story?

I don't know. Is that the worst thing that's happened to you, like accident-wise? Well, no, because it was not far from when... I've told you about when my brother hit us in the head with a metal door handle. Yeah. So it wasn't far from that.

Really? I've had two major head traumas. So many things have fallen into place now. So many things are coming together. Leper-quassing makes so much sense now. So much head trauma. I know. Your attention.

Yeah. I mean, you were filming something yesterday for your Instagram. The amount of time it took you to do your lines. I had to lie on the floor. Guys, for everyone listening, I set the phone up and I was recording Rosie doing her Instagram, flogging any old shite that you like, right? And I had the phone set up and I had the laptop in front of me and she was reading the lines

and then do it. And I had to get behind. First, I got my head behind the laptop and then I was laughing so much that it took so long. I was literally lying on the floor. So I would press record and I would just lie down on the floor and wait till you were finished

and then I'd stand back up. It all makes sense now. It does. God. Whilst I was laughing then, I did a little bump and I'm just hoping it didn't get picked up by the microphone.

Guys, if you don't hear what she said there, she just said while she was laughing, she just did a little pump and just hoping the microphone didn't pick it up. It may have picked it up. You know what? If you're out there now listening to the podcast, hit that skip back button, that 15 second, 30 second, whatever it is

on your podcast and see if you can see if you can spot the little pump prize for anyone who can spot the little pump no prize will be given for anyone who

spots the pump in terms of conditions of life okay okay right god we will get to this man

and he's he's big massive testicles soon right okay he's dropped his trousers down so the paramedic come to his house because he's got massive testicles he's dropped his trousers down. So the paramedic

come to his house because he's got massive testicles. He whips his trousers down and he gets the fellas out. Yeah. Apparently, it was the size of a melon.

One of them or both of them? The whole thing? I don't know. The whole thing. Memories. The size of a melon. That's huge.

You know what? If it was the size of a melon, I'd take it back. That's probably why he rang an ambulance. That's why he rang an ambulance. I'd take it back. His trousers wouldn't fit.

Well, I mean, yeah, but you've got like, what's he's he gonna he'd have to like he'd have to get a like a little table to wheel it along on or a little chair or a shopping trolley or something oh yeah because the skin would break some kind of strap like strapping underneath and then put it over your shoulder like hold it up how do you like how do you let your bowel get the size of a melon though how fast it happened you might have been asleep you might have woke up with it you might have knocked it and it just immediately happened. God knows. Okay.

Right, here we go. Was it... Is the mystery that the cracker opened and it's full of cranberry? No. They did their usual questions to try and find out

if he had any idea of what could have caused it. He said he hadn't been to the toilet in three days and he wondered if that had something to do with it

as he is usually quite regular. Fuck's sake. Turns out he had... Mystery. Is this the mystery? This is where you need to guess. Right. What's going on?

Why has he got a massive testicle? I'm totally guessing here. I'm not a doctor. I've got no medical background whatsoever and I don't know if this is possible but in my head Yeah. the wee tube has gone into his balls by accident dwi ddim yn gweithio yn meddygol, ac dwi ddim yn gwybod a yw hyn yn bosibl, ond yn fy nghefn, mae'r llwyf yw wedi mynd i mewn i'w bôl gan achos yn hytrach na mynd yn dda, ac mae'r llwyf

yn llwyddo'i bôl fel bôl bwyd. Dyna fy nes. Iawn. Iawn, rydym yn gweld. Ydych chi'n barod? Iawn. Mae'n debyg ei fod wedi cael llwyf yn ei gwrth-gyn a bod ei bôl wedi mynd trwy'r llwyf. Mae hynny'n gwaethaf! Mae hynny'n llawer gwaethaf! out he had a hole in his rectum and his poo had been going through that hole That's worse! That's so much worse! rather than the usual exit and was just filling his scrotum He literally

had a sack of shit That's the That's one of the worst things I've ever heard in my life So he had like a little melon of poo that's one of the worst things I've ever heard in my life. So he had like a little... Had like a little hole. Melon of poo. In between his...

Honestly, how do you even rectify that? Do you know what it is? When I first read that, I was like, really? But then you do hear of things like this, don't you? Oh, madder stuff than this has happened, yeah. Oh my God. Yeah. I can't, like, how do you even, I mean, you've got to, like,

we've all rinsed out an old bucket that's a bit dirty. Or we've all cleaned something. Like, they are going to have to open them bad lads up. Oh, hose them down. Yeah. Oh, poor them down. Yeah. Oh, poor bloke. The thing I find worrying about it is some days

I don't have, you know, maybe a couple of days. I think your balls will be fine. Well, now I'm thinking, where's it going? Do you know what I mean?

Oh, that is. Poor love. Oh, that, that is the grimmest thing I've ever heard. Is it? It's up there. That is up there.

It'd be interesting to see how people feel about that because I know sometimes something's really grim and people aren't bothered by it. But that is bad. I didn't think it was that bad. No, you're not a boy. Oh, right. You're not a boy.

Was it hard or soft? That's what I want to know. Do you know what I mean? Jesus. Was it lumpy lumpy bumpy did it smell did it smell oh

so many questions when he had a wee was it brown oh no that's not no sorry I didn't mean

to be disgusting this week let's crack on let's crack on mystery solved well done thank you mystery solved and I was close

I was really close you were bang on pretty much I was one away I know I thought it was a solved well done thank you and I was close I was really close you were bang on pretty much I was one away I know I thought it was a one it was a two yeah

well done Rock City you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on Saturday

April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play.

Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind.

So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. You know, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother Mother of what? Is the most terrifying 666 is the mark of the devil

Movie of the year It's not real, it's not real Who said that? The First Omen The Impeders Friday Get tickets now It's time for what's your beef right we've been spending a lot of time with each other too much time there's a lot of beefs going

on here let's be gentle let's be careful what's your beef my beef with you christopher ramsey this week is recently you keep biting your nails and then doing little spits on the floor it's not my nails it's gross it's not your nails it's not my nails

it's the skin at the side right that's just as bad right you bite it and then you go yeah right so what

so there's just little bits of skin all over the floor bit annoyed that you'd notice that my house my rules bit annoyed that you'd notice that okay maybe you should run the hoover around now and then I mean little bits of skin all over the floor. Bit annoyed that you'd noticed that. My house, my rules. Bit annoyed that you'd noticed that. Okay. Maybe you should run the hoover around now and then.

I mean, I don't mind moving, I don't mind putting the hoover around for like stuff, but not just your nails. I didn't realise I was doing that, if I'm honest with you. That's worrying that. Didn't realise I was doing it. I'll try and stop.

Do you think it's more of a secret thing? What do you want to do? Swallow them? You think this is? What if I swallowed all the me? Like all the skin? And then like, what if I swallowed all the me? All the skin? You're going to eat your skin, that's fine. Can you?

It's not like cannibalism. It's your skin. Do you mean you swallow your own spit? I don't think that's the same thing. It can be. Where have I done this specifically? All the time. What do you mean all the time?

Just recently, you're doing it all the time. You don't even know you're doing it. I don't know I'm doing it. That's weird. But it's not that I mind you biting your skin. It's the... Well, in a perfect world, where should I put it? Should I put it in a little pot?

Down the sink. Down the sink? I don't know. Which sink? In a tissue. In a tissue? Or swallow it? Do you want to just stop doing that?

That's what I have to listen to all the time. Watching the telly and you're like like living with a camel okay I'm sorry I'm actually a little bit I'm mildly embarrassed and a little bit disgusted by that

you've been doing it for weeks this is weeks back this alright I'm sorry gee whiz man what's your beef with me right my beef with you is sorry about that I will stop doing that thank you my beef with you is sorry about that i will stop doing thank you

my beef with you this week is right you've done stuff like this in the past but it's really fucking not as when you did this i don't know who you're busy working with on your instagram vlog and then you would shake the cell out but right we got sent three massive boxes of my one of my favorite crisps, right? And you, we had a bag the other day. You got the bag out and you had some and you gave me some. And I went, you know what?

They're bloody lovely, them. I know we've had with tea, but it was a while ago. I'm going to go and get another bag of them. And you went, oh no, there's none. And I went, there's none? We've got three fucking essentially crates of them. You gave them away.

I did. Straight away. Yeah. Like they were in the house less than a day, and you went and dropped them off at someone else's house. My uncle Kevin, he's got a barn, he's back garden. But, not just that, you dropped off the best flavours. You kept the rubbish flavours.

We had three boxes of them. We did have three boxes of them. For about five minutes. And then you fucking went and dropped them off somewhere. I didn't even have one. I know, but I just didn't. You didn't even keep a bag for me. You kept a bag.

You ate most of the bag. You gave me some. Then went, you're eating all of them. And I went, oh, I'll go and get my own then out of our fucking stock load that we've got. Chris. Gone. You don't understand.

You don't understand. Right? Right. We got weighed the other day. Right. For life insurance. Right. Being self-employed, we have to get life insurance. Yes. We got weighed the other day. Right. For life insurance. Right. Being self-employed,

we have to get life insurance. Yes. We got weighed. I was eight pound, eight pound lighter than you. Well, that's not enough. That's not enough in my opinion.

Yeah, but why do I have to suffer? Because if they're in the house, then I'll eat them. If they're in the house, I'll eat them. And I'm sorry, I've told you to hide stuff. You don't hide them. If they're in the house, I'll eat them. And I'm sorry. I've told you to hide stuff.

You don't hide it. Because then when I hide it, you go, where's that thing you hid? I had to get rid of it. I had to get rid of the crisps. Please don't. Don't hold it over us. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of me not being able to have nice things.

Because you'll hoover them all up like a fucking Labrador. I'm fed up. Honestly, it's like dogs behaving bad. Don't leave that plate on the floor. I shall eat it and lick it. Don't leave that on the bench. I shall fucking have all that as well. I've got a problem.

I'm sick, man. I've got a problem. They're really nice crisps. Do you think I can go back and get them? No, exactly. And that's in there. And there's the second part of the beef. You don't let us.

You think it would be rude for me to go and get my own crisps back from somewhere. Don't you? Tell the truth now. You think it would be rude. Yes, it would be massively rude. Fucking nutter. You're a nutter. I gave it to him for his birthday.

You gave him crisps for his birthday? My mum was taking around a bottle of wine obviously just to the door and there and i was like oh i'll walk around with you and i just hide them all in a bin bag and i said happy birthday happy birthday uncle kevin here's your here's your bin bag of crisps yeah he's got a bar on the back on he was buzzing he actually said oh we've just ran out of crisps i said well there you go you'll be out for a few years the amount that that you give them. A bin bag. You couldn't just keep a couple of packets for me? I did keep a couple of packets. They're shit flavours!

What do you mean? They're rubbish flavour. You gave all the sour cream and onion ones away. They're the nicest ones, man. Sorry, I didn't know. Sorry. Going round to your uncle Kez for something completely unrelated in a minute.

It's time for questions from the public questions from the public public guys as always thank you so so much for continuing to send us stories and office polls and would you rathers and and questions and and everything that you send it is genuinely greatly greatly appreciated appreciated appreciated and obviously we can't read every single one of them out we're getting through them keep them coming

we'll love it thank you so much shagmardinoid at gmail.com if you want to send anything thank you hi Chris and Rosie my fiancé and I are huge fans of the podcast

and are absolutely shocked by some of the stories you tell the public are gross yeah they are indeed everyone's gross I agree but then it made me realise that I did have a story to tell by some of the stories you tell. The public are gross. Yeah, they are indeed. Everyone's gross. But then it made me realise that I did have a story to tell, but please keep me anonymous

as only a few people are aware of this. Wow. Back in 2017, I was fresh-faced and ready to take on the world and landed a great first job in a very famous high street department store on Oxford Street doing displays do oxford street still have a tammy girl it's amazing this isn't me um and our flagship tammy girl is on oxford

street no one has ever passed out in here do you miss tammy do you were you a frequent shopper of tammy girl we're talking about it was was a point of reference for me and my friends to take the piss out of another boy by saying you shop at Tammy Girl. Great. It's great times. It's just classic bands. Bands, bands, bands. Classic bands from the nine-year-olds.

Yeah. Good for you. I used to work all sorts of shift patterns. Doing displays, did you say, yeah? So mergers and merchandise there. Ooh. But she hasn't put that but I know I know that that's

what it's called very Oxford well I was always jealous of the merchandisers because they've got to stand in the window and as a performer

yeah I wanted to be there I agree I weirdly agree you know what I mean I weirdly agree when I used to work in all sports

and someone would come round and do the display and they'd be in the window but realistically it must have been horrible or the display and they'd be in the window but realistically it must have been horrible or the chavs walking past

in Southfield Town while you're in the window depends what kind of person you are obviously I looked at them in the window on display me stuck at the changing room

at the back gutted thinking I should be up there that should be my role but it wasn't anyway I used to work all sorts of shifts.

Oh, look, a Tammy girl have got a show on in the window. Oh, no, hold on. It's just a girl putting a display out rather flamboyantly for no reason. What do you see? You people gazing at me. You see a girl on a music box that's turned by a key. You've never seen that film, have you? No, I haven't.

But the next line will be, One shirt here and one skirt there. It's buy one, get one free. And then a big bow. Me. And scene. Dot E P. And then the pull the shutters down.

Right. One afternoon, my colleague and I were going around collecting stock for a new display. We went to the stock room where the women's clothes were kept, only to discover something truly horrifying and sickening. A male colleague was in the stock room, which overlooked Oxford Street, pleasuring himself, looking down at the crowd below. No way. Yeah.

Oh. My colleague and I were so shocked we could only stand there in horror and watch. For 45 minutes. Safe to say he noticed us after hearing my noise of disgust. He then ran off somewhere and being the nice person I am, I went back to the office and told all 25 of my colleagues about what happened. We all had a great laugh.

We nicknamed him Wanky Wanky. Wow. So we stand at the upstairs window wanking off over the people down on Oxford Street. Oxford Street. I'd love the idea of that instead of getting upset or telling everyone, she quickly sprinted out on Oxford Street and just went,

everyone, that's not my display. I didn't put that one. That man wanking, that is not mine. The one down here, the summer shorts, that's mine. That wanking man is not my display. I'm not putting my name on that. Take it off me, Stevie.

Hi, Chris and Rosie. My boyfriend and I play a risky game whenever we are phoning one of our parents. While we're waiting for the respective parent to answer, we play Risky Russian Roulette. We take it in turns to say naughty words, trying to get the word in before the parent answers. Our words will vary from pubic hair, fanny, cock, cum, anal. You get the word in before the parent answers our words will vary from pubic hair fanny

cock cum anal you get the idea what makes it funnier is that my boyfriend's parents are very very straight and traditional in their approach to such things and would have complete shock and a meltdown if they heard us saying any of these words i think that's a bit sad if I'm honest. Ooh, ooh, who you ringing your mum? Right, okay. Fanny Bowles. Tiddler. Shit.

Bum. What's shit to do? Put a wash on. I just thought it might be a good idea to phone one of our parents now and see what the reaction is if they hear a word. Do you want to try it? Do you want to? Ring your mum. My mum.

Aye, go on. We've never rang your mum. Right, so we're going to ring your mam. I'm going to do it on FaceTime audio so that we don't have to lose any signal or whatever. This might be quite fun, actually. So what happens? So what happens is we're going to ring your mam.

It's going to start ringing, right? Right. As it's ringing, we've got to take... I say a bad word, you say a bad word. I say a bad word, you say a bad word. And then when she picks up, we just have to basically... Okay.

Try and get your word in before she picks up. Right, okay. Okay? Right, here we go. Put it on speaker. Yeah. Right, go. Piss.

Arsehole. Wankers. Fannies. Tits. Shit. Twat. Arse. What did you say?

Hiya, Mom. We're doing a game for the podcast. Did you say T-W-A-T-A? Look, I've shown off our spelling straight away. I was always good at spelling. That's charming, that. What a way to talk to your mother.

Oh, get in. Thanks, Mom. It's someone sent in a game uh called a risky business where you've got to each take turns to say a swear word before your parent picks up so there we go that's it that's it thanks mom bye all right i enjoyed that game i'll take that back i enjoyed that i got one here rosie um it's uh it's kind of a reference as an ongoing thing that we do in the podcast so people who've just started listening now and having this in the back catalog might not get this so might have to quickly explain um what is our slang word for having sex that we came up with our jody word oh a booking a book having a book, yeah. Dear Rosie and Chris,

having listened to your podcast for many months now, it's just dawned on me today that my childhood email address was bookingmad. Created due to my love of horses. Oh, no! No! No! This obviously had different meanings beyond my nine-year-old knowledge.

This isn't really a question. I just thought you might like to know that some poor innocent kid in Yorkshire in the early noughties didn't know what booking meant and is now hoping as a 25-year-old that none of her pals from Newcastle were laughing behind her back. Bless her. Oh. Booking mad. E, nine- nine year old with an email address it's

different world isn't it it's another world man kids out there with phones man it's crazy dear rosie and chris your podcast reminded me of a time a couple of years back when me and my now husband were arguing all the time about how much his feet stank. When watching TV, I'd lie on the sofa and he would sit on the other with his feet on the arm of my sofa right next to my face. Oh, bloody hell. His feet were absolutely...

She's wrote bogging here. Oh, is that a Scottish thing? It's not a Scottish, it's like Manchester. Bogging Scottish, I think. Yeah, just basically stinking. His feet were absolutely bogging and I kept on at him so much that we kept having blazing arguments about it. Now, I don't know what his argument is there.

He doesn't have a leg to stand on. He doesn't have a rancid foot to stand on. No, get your trotters off the side of the city where your girlfriend's face is. That's horrible. I don't know what his argument is there. I mean, fucking bald.

He's bald. He even started showering before sitting down and they still stank. Oh, right, okay. Oh, now I feel a bit sorry for him. Well, stop putting them up there, though. Put your socks on

and leave them on the floor At least he's trying, at least he's washing it Okay, well prepare to not feel sorry for him anymore Alright, okay, bring it on One night he was so pissed off with me going on That he went to cut his toenails As he cut into his big toenail It exploded with thick yellow pus

Turns out his toenail Was rotting and infected all along. And that was the smell. And that was the smell. Oh, my... How do you not know? I don't know. I think some people don't look at their bodies.

I think some people just get up in the morning, get out of bed, put clothes on, and they don't... It's like, I inspect myself. Do you know that? Yeah. I know. I've spotted you doing it. Yeah, you're weird. Well, I just know exactly what's going on with my body right now.

Everywhere. I know every little scratch, every little nook and cranny of this body. No, but how does he not know that he's got an infected pussy toe? It's disgusting, isn't it? People are gross. So, now, that email was alright. We discussed it. There was a couple of oohs, there was a couple People are gross. So now, that email was all right.

We discussed it. There was a couple of oohs, there was a couple of ahhs. It was okay. This is where I think some people don't realise the kind of gems that they're sitting on because she's just thrown this on at the end casually. Okay.

And this is the thing that I've got so many more questions about, right? Oh, right. Just on the edge of the email, she just throws it in. I almost can't read it out. is this what i heard you laughing at screaming i screamed when i read this this morning right i heard you from upstairs just how is this on the end right this just drops on the end on another random note by the way she is married into the

twits because this family is disgusting because her husband's got this monkey toenail and this this is ridiculous right i. I almost can't. On another random note, my brother-in-law has an arse sock that he sleeps with between his arse cheeks every night to soak up his arse sweat. अब आप दो अब आप दो अब आप दो Oh my god. Oh my god. What? What's he doing? He's literally married Bebop and Rocksteady.

Oh, what a reference. That's awful. Oh god. So he puts a sock in between his bum. An arse sock, yes. So he gets it and puts it in like a bit of floss in between two teeth. Puts this sock up in his arse crack, nips it, and goes to sleep to soak up his arse sweat. That is so bad.

That is so bad. That is so bad. That is so bad. Why is the email not about that? That's what I'm so annoyed about. Just throw on this, whoever you are, right? Sort your fucking priorities out, man. The toenail was entertaining, but fucking hell. We want to know about the arse stuff.

Tell us more. Oh, my God. That's to know about the arse sock. Tell us more. Oh my God. That's go to the doctor. It's like wadding. It's like wadding. It's like, you know, in the army, army movies where they've got like an open wound and they're like, I have to pack it. I have to pack the wound.

Who sweats that much from their arse? where they've got like an open wound and they're like, I have to pack it. I have to pack the wound. Who sweats that much from their arse? Arse sock. He literally sticks an arse sock up his arse and goes to sleep because I'm imagining that when he's just got boxer shorts on, they're just fucking soaking in the morning and it's like a puddle in his bed

of his sweaty arse. Ew. Oh, God. Is it the same sock every night? I've got so many questions. What kind of god is it the same sock every night I've got so many questions what kind of sock is it

is it a I'm picturing like a white like a white sports sock mine was black I'm thinking like a fully absorbent

really thick white sports sock you know the ones where you've basically got to go up a trainer size if you're putting one on

I'm picturing that I'm picturing the sock that Jim has over his dick at the beginning of American Pie that's the kind of sock

whatever they call in America a tube sock that's what I'm picturing the sock that Jim has over his dick at the beginning of American Pie. That's the kind of sock, whatever they call it in America, a tube sock. That's what I'm picturing. And he's just, if I had, can I just say right now, right? If I had an arse sock that I put up into my arse quite every night. I'm telling you right now, I wouldn't be out. I'll tell you one other thing, right? Your fucking sister wouldn't know about it.

How she, this is her brother-in-law. Yes, yes. He's got no shame. Some people don't care about it how she this is her brother-in-law yes he's got no shame some people don't care about stuff like that hey she's right at the bottom here judging myself a bit for marrying into this family you should yeah that is that's one of the worst things i've ever oh that's brilliant wow thank you so much thank you for bringing all socks into my life got one here um for me this uh This is the This email is the gift That keeps on giving

Okay Just when you think It just keeps going Right Alright Stick with it Yeah Hi Chris, Rosie, Robin and Rafe

Hi Telling you right now Robin and Rafe I'm not going to hear What you've written in this email You dirty perverted man No They'll never hear this

He's not a dirty pervert Yeah I'll jump straight into it I used to work at Topman Brackets RIP And in 2010 A new girl started working there that I took a liking to. We hooked up on a night out and she came back to mind.

Unfortunately, I was absolutely smashed and apparently fell asleep mid-blowjob. Great. How did you? I don't know. Imagine. I'm not having to go at a technique, but I don't know how I was doing that.

I've never had a blowjob personally but I can't imagine falling asleep during one imagine them being quite exciting usually yeah stick with it

the next day I dropped her off at her mates and I thought I'd blown it weeks later I went to Reading Festival

with a load of mates and it turns out she was going too we met up on the first night brackets this is important as it's the last time

you're clean. Yak. Oh, God. Oh, yeah. So I bet they're all shagging on the first night because they're like, oh, I'll be minging them, alright? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, oh, Amari, thanks. Rosie, Reading and Leeds went on sale

and sold out immediately the other day. Good. Nature's healing itself. Yeah. They'll be out there buckling each other crazy by the end of it I can't wait good for them bloody god

it'll be godspeed to the lotties it'll be mad yeah it'll be mad crazy won't it good for them we spent the evening

drinking and running around the site we then drunkenly crawled into my tent which was about the size of a kennel hmm just a small tent

oh unless he means like batty dog's home in which case tent which was about the size of a kennel. Just a small tent. Unless he means like a batty dog's home in which case he's got a fucking massive tent. You know the kennels that you go and leave your dog at when you go on a holiday? Yeah, like the size of Butland. It was already awkward. Imagine, right? Imagine this. Imagine going in the tent with someone.

You've already fell asleep during their blowjob you've met them at Redden Festival it's all going well hang on it's the same girl same girl so he went back to hers

she went back to his he fell asleep during her blowjob evidently she's got no standards whatsoever she's spending the first night in Redden clearly

now she's gone back to his tent which is the size of a kennel great right she's got honestly her standards I don't know what's going on

but imagine this set the scene right already going into a tent the size of a kennel great right she's got honestly her standards i don't know what's going on here but imagine this set the scene right already going into a tent the size of a kennel's grim at a festival to have sex it was already awkward as someone saw us going in and started playing careless whisper on the kazoo right outside the tent what is it do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do do When they finally pissed off, we undressed and I lay on top of her, fumbling in my bag in the dark for a condom. After a bit of fumbling in my bag with one hand, whilst kissing her at the same time, brackets multitasking, legend, I got my hands on the condom. I rose up onto my knees, with her lying directly underneath me, and vigorously ripped open the condom. What the hell? The pack is empty. And I hear her say,

what the fuck was that? I grab my phone and flick the light on to reveal her underneath me, covered in brown powder. It was a hot chocolate sachet. This poor girl Just in the dark Just in the dark

Fuck was that Oh God love her What the fuck was that? Oh, God, lover. She's in the tent. She's like, come on, I'll go by the tent. Come on, I'll give you another chance. Right, look, you go... Right, right. Careless whisper.

They've shut up on the kazoo. You go on top, mate. I don't want you falling asleep halfway through the blowjob again. I tell you what, we'll just go straight to it. Get the condom out. It's the power of Christ compels you to flick fucking hot chocolate powder all over it.

Oh, God. Oh, bless you. Looking back at this, it feels like an Inbetweeners episode. It really does. Mr. Trickman's not doing this. Luckily for me, this wasn't too... Luckily for me, this wasn't too off-putting for her.

Fuck it. What is it going to take to put this lass off? Wow. Wow. All's well that ends well. What? It's just the gift that keeps on giving, and he just throws things in. They come up with no way. Wow. All's well that ends well. What? It's just the gift that Kip's on giving and he just throws things in

and they come out of nowhere. Okay. All's well that ends well but she gave me swine flu which at a festival is absolutely brutal. It's the most troubled love story of our time are they still together when I got home I shat the bed and was off work for a week

we ended up in a relationship for three years she was an absolutely lovely girl but for various reasons it didn't work out my question is what had to happen for them to actually break up she must have fucking murdered his entire family or him like what actually happened oh bless her

oh love the podcast stay safe and use a hot chocolate sachet thanks man that's another episode from us done. Thank you so, so much as always for listening to the Shagmarinoid, which is now part of the Acast Creative Network.

Thanks very much, guys. I hope you enjoyed listening as much as we have enjoyed doing it for you. We will be announcing the proper tour dates for the Shagmarinoid

reschedule tour very, very soon. Again, I'm so sorry to leave you hanging there, but we just wanted to let you know straight away that me and June weren't happening. The next ones, it's going to that me and you weren't happening the next ones it's going

to get announced the reschedules and hopefully it's going to be this year let's try i hate stay positive but let's just try and stay positive because it's all we've got and uh big love to you and we'll be back in the next one bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series this unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation together they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along

for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.