Sh**ged Married Annoyed - EP 108. Carpet Squares

Episode Date: March 19, 2021

On the podcast this week Chris & Rosie discuss bad haircuts, Mothering Sunday and Valentines. They are joined by Barry Beef and they share the grievances from the week. QFTP's include a breastfeeding mix up, couscous and some kinky clapping. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello. You're listening to Shag Married Annoyed

with me, Rosie Ramsey and me hubby, me grubby hubby, Chris Ramsey. Grubby hubby. Me grubby hubby. I thought you were listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and me hubby, me grubby hubby, Chris Ramsey. Grubby hubby. Me grubby hubby. I thought you were going to start it by having a go at that. I didn't put a soppy Mother's Day post on Instagram. Oh, no, that will.

That's coming. Fantastic. Yeah. Great. Fantastic. Excellent. Why are you preempting? So you know that you've done wrong there because we haven't even spoke about this.

Well, yeah, I'm going to fight my corner when it comes to it. It'll come to it. So let's carry on. Introductions are getting longer and longer, Chris. I haven't even spoke about this. Well, I'm going to fight my corner when it comes to it. It'll come to it. So let's carry on. Introductions are getting longer and longer, Chris. I don't even know why we bother having... We should just start.

Hey, people bloody love the jingle. How dare you? People bloody love it. Thank you. Love it. Yes, it's very good. They don't like the fact

that it was recorded poorly and it comes in one speaker and then out the other speaker. Oh, well, I don't... I don't know what I'm doing. Oh, so you don't care. Don't care about the listeners, do you not?

Got too big for your boots, have you? Yeah. Honestly, guys, I'm with all of you. Oh, hey, what the... What a dick. Honestly, who do you think you are? Goodness me. Who do you think you are with your podcast that you do from your dining room?

Honestly. Too big for your boots. I got too big for your boots. That's awful. Guys, thank you so much for listening. Thank you for coming back. We love you. Hope you're all right out there.

Just counting down the days. Counting down the days. Counting down the days until... Until what? June 21st or whatever it happens to be when we can do stuff again. Go on. I've got a list of door handles I want to lick.

Oh, loads of them. All around the North East. Put me bare arse on stuff. Yeah. Can't wait. People, put me bare arse on people. I don't think you can catch COVID from your arse. Why are they testing arses in China then?

Next question. Are they? Yeah, they do bum checks, don't they? I've got a question about that later on. Of course you have. Okay. Shag my own a dog. Of course you have.

Great. Guys, it is episode 108. It's not, is it? It is 108. Thank you so much. Like I said, please continue to like, rate and subscribe and all that stuff on your little podcast shops. And before we go any further,

this week's podcast is brought to you by my new catchphrase. It's something I never thought I'd say once in my life, but I've got to say it all the time. My new catchphrase sponsoring the podcast this week is

Robin, stop pumping on your brother. Great. Something I never thought I'd have to say ever in my life. On a daily basis, more than once, I now have to say Robin, stop pumping on your brother. All. Something I never thought I'd have to say ever in my life. On a daily basis, more than once, I now have to say, Robin, stop pumping on your brother. All the time.

That's this week's podcast. We don't have to worry about COVID in this house. We have to worry about just, yeah, pink eye. Oh, he pulls his pants down. It gives a good bare bum rasp. I mean, it's just non-stop. Have you seen it when he sucks on his ear? Yes.

He's put the Rafe's full ear in his mouth. He also puts Rafe's hands in his mouth. Yes. Rafe has got dirt under his fingernails. Yeah. And he's a baby. And I'm honest, I'm convinced Robin's taking him in the garden to dig. Dragging him outside.

His immune system's going to be bang on. It's going to be fucking great. It's going to be amazing. He's going to be immune to everything. Yeah. So there we go. See, but you never had a sibling. So you don't understand that this is just a rite of passage.

Yeah, I don't get it. I'm like, get off of me. And I keep pointing at Robin. When you were little, I wouldn't have let anyone do what you're doing to him. Yeah, but he's his brother. It's different. Oh, God.

My brother pissed on me in the bath on multiple occasions. Used to stand up with the home video. There's a bath home video. Great. Probably a bit weird, but you know, whatever. And he stands up wheeze on me back i turn around i put my hand under it wow so that's that's my level of understanding that's the grimest thing ever yeah and no like we didn't flinch my mom didn't go

stop that just sorry your mom didn't go stop that no right that That's terrible. At least you would go stop that. I would go stop that. I wouldn't go, oh, he's pissing on her again. Get the camera. Just, he was only about two, though. Oh, right, well, that's fair enough. He was little, and I was probably about five. Oh, yeah, you'd just laugh, I suppose.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, my sister, this is a funny thing. So my brother's pissing on me. Great. I'm about five with my hand under, catching his wee. Great. My sister's on the end, because she would have been about eight at this point and she's embarrassed

so she got two jugs over her like non-existent boobs she's very much of the why am I still in the bath with my brother and sister but she was there though because she didn't want

to be left out bath slash toilet may I add yes bath slash urinal oh god good times am I fine that video actually

please don't it's fine I believe you I've got a slot after that bath of me of me wildlife show

with me flannel yeah straight after straight in fish flannel yeah good times Jesus

what a shit hole your house was oh proper oh right okay don't signal me to shut up while I'm reminiscing about my childhood Jesus, what a shit hole your house was. Oh, proper. Oh, right, okay. Don't signal me to shut up while I'm reminiscing about my childhood. Reminiscing about getting pissed on by your brother, man. No one wants to hear it, man.

Play the fucking jingle. Honestly, you are so jealous of my past life, I swear. Look at you. You're kind of... Who pissed on you, eh? Who was pissing on you? No one. I'll have you know I pissed up into the air onto meself

and it landed on us. Right, well, that's the saddest thing I've ever heard me someone else's piss here's the jingle we had a fight about the jingle jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle

jingle so this is the jingle jingle we hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba, jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag My Annoyed. Quick question for you, Christopher. Yeah.

So last Sunday was Mother's Day. Yes. Mothering Sunday. Mothering Sunday. I was on Instagram, it was really lovely, going through all the posts. And I out for my mom because i love my mom yeah yeah and we went you know saw your mom get a present everything where was my social media post from my loving doting husband yeah i just find it massively sexist because there's no father's day so why should there be a mother's day there is a father's day is there are you actually's Day. Is there? Are you actually...

No, I'm kidding. It's just, you know, when International Women's Day happens and all the blokes go, why is there a man's wedding? What the fuck, Liz, you prick. I'm not about that, and I'll tell you why.

I've never been about that public sort of displays of, this is my wife. Everyone knows we're married. Everyone knows I love you, right? Do they love you? Well, yeah, but the only person I need to know that is you.

Well, unfortunately, it has not been solidified with me because there was no Instagram post saying, thank you for birthing my children. Thank you for putting your body through all of that, which is still reeling on.

Yeah. Upset by it, aren't I? Never mention it. I basically, I tell you this in person, I always say thank you for my lovely family. I always give you a cuddle.

I always say, look how lucky I am. I tell you this in person, I always say thank you for my lovely family. I always give you a cuddle. I always say, look how lucky I am. I just don't think the world needs to hear me. Is grovelling the right word? Emotionally grovelling to you? I say I disagree. I feel like that's what the world needs. I think it would, honestly, with everything going on right now, I think it would cure a lot of things.

Fuck off, Rosie. You would have got lost in the noise of every other cunt doing it. My beautiful wife. You're not only me best friend. You're the wife. You're the mother of the luckiest boys. We get it, man. We get it.

You've all posted it for fucking millions of years. We get it. We get it. You're married to them. You had a kid with them. We know you fucking love them. Shut up.

Fuck me. Not everything's for content. Something is just for contentment. Right? Some things are just for behind closed doors. Right? Plus, can I just say as well, and our smars and dars will back me up here,

the one time I have put something like that on, you always comment something fucking soggy and anything. Like, you're obsessed with me you like oh fucking all right man gives a bit of space oh aye aye you are punching or something i just think what's the point what's the fucking all right man but that wasn't to do with the boys right this is about my me being a mother right which is really hard man we're now all right man all right i just felt a little bit left out right every fuck I got one I didn't get one it's the same as Valentine's Day

I'm not going out of my way to post a thing about you on the day where I'm supposed to post a thing about you you'll get one right

one day right might not be this year might not be next year might not be the year after might not be the year after that might not be the year after that so it's just never

might not be the year after that might not be the year after that but one day early hours of the morning I might post a nice little thing right and delete it

just before everyone gets up so no one sees it but it'll have been there and it'll be the thought that counts you are horrible honestly

do you know what I hate mine do you know what I do you know what I don't like which still happens and I can't believe people still do it

when they post the presents that they got can't bear it like why do people still do it so it's gone from the joke was always like our boy did good and all this and now it's what you get off your kids yeah it's like they didn't buy that yeah yeah your your three-year-old does not have any money and hasn't gone out and bought you a bracelet. Someone else has bought that. So, just honestly. Christmas happens. I remember one Christmas, my Facebook feed was fucking flooded on Christmas Day

when I still had Facebook. Yeah. It was just Michael Kors watches. Oh, yeah. As far as the eye could see. Look what he got us, just rose gold Michael Kors watches. The whole thing, I was like,

what the fuck? I thought my target ads had gone berserk. I didn't know what was going on so weird isn't it really strange i get that people want to celebrate having nice things and i understand but there's just i just feel like social media it's just a lot of likes people just want like that's the thing with the thing the mother's day thing i don't want to just get a load of likes and a load of content off bigging you up do you know i mean but first of all i don't want to be in the first place that's what i thought it's just yeah i don't know i'm weirdly going like back over i used to be like mr twitter i was like

of all the comedians i was like on twitter more than anyone else it was like like all the comments could be like you fucking love twitter you're always on it and i just i've just ground you down hasn't it it's just ground us down i just can't be bothered i get it chris i get it if you don't need to do it don't do it literally. You could literally put something out being like, oh, rain's wet. Actually, the compound of H2O, oh, God, oh, some rain has, it's a grit in it. Oh, man, I just can't. Totally broken.

I just can't. Don't worry about it. It's just like they're waiting, they're waiting on the starting blocks to just go, actually, and it's just fucking, I don't know. That's the voice. And it's weird because I know I am

missing out on the lovely sides of social media and the really nice things but I only ever look at your stuff you don't even look at it though

you just like it and then we've talked about this before get your likes up anyway do you want to wish me a happy

mother's day on here it's past it was yesterday it's weird if I do now I'm not doing it because you're telling us to do it I refuse to do it honestly tells me it's a good job that I

don't know any more kids because I won't be having them with you yeah good good fine do you know why cuz you're fucking nightmare to live with pregnant great I'm alright then happy Mother's Day got you see you didn't think it was coming I didn't do it cuz I was told I did it cuz I don't want it you can have it back honestly good you can have it because I don't want it you can have it back honestly you can have it back I don't want it throw it away I've done that something I've noticed yes it only really clicked this morning but I have been noticing it for a while obviously I am on social media a lot and um I follow a lot of moms and whatever put the pictures of the kids on.

Every kid's hair at the minute in the whole country looks absolutely dreadful. What a horrible thing to say about children. Why? Just slagging everyone's haircuts off. No, mostly boys. Yeah, I know what you mean.

Haircuts are atrocious. They all look like a bag of shit. Yeah. And Robin's got that thing where he goes to sleep and he wakes up looking exactly like Boris Johnson of shit. Yeah. And Robin's got that thing where he goes to sleep and he wakes up looking exactly like Boris Johnson's head.

Like what I imagine, like, like what I imagine Russell Brand look like in a morning after a gig, after all that backcombing and hairspray.

Just like a big sort of, like a big untamed candy floss. It's just horrendous. Because it's too long. Yeah. But yeah, I just noticed, I just noticed

all the children are very, is it unkempt? Is that what you say? I think that's the word, yeah. They it's too long. Yeah. But yeah, I just noticed, I just noticed all the children are very, is it unkempt? Is that what you say? I think that's the word, yeah. They just look like shit. And another thing that I've noticed, right? There's a direct quote there for you. All the children look like shit.

Rosie Ramsey, 2021. They do, they do. Another thing I've noticed, nobody right now, not one person in the UK, has a natural tan. A natural tan. Good point.

There'll be no winter holidays, nothing like that. So nobody has a natural tan. A natural tan. Good point. No winter holidays, nothing like that. So nobody has a natural tan. And I don't think that's ever happened before. No? Probably not since the 80s. Not for a long, long time. That's interesting. Skin cancer will be on the downturn.

Well, hopefully. People won't be out in the sun as much without protection. I mean, vitamin D is bastardised. Some people might still have sunbeds. Some people might still have sunbeds in the house and they might have been using them. Still not actual sun, though. Sunlight.

Well, it's still UV rays, isn't it? No, okay. Why do you always have to... I thought I'd spotted a fact. I thought I could have done that as like, this is a fact. One, one. For one month in 2020,

at least nobody in the UK had a natural tan from actual sunlight. That's something that shitty fucking Uber facts would post. Thank you, Rosie Ramsey. No, right. One, it's a stupid fact. It's boring. It's rubbish, right? Two, I wasn't trying to have a go at you.

I was just saying, I was starting the point of some people might have genuinely got their old fucking sunbed out of the lot. Can you remember it? Yeah. The sunbed where it was one bit of sunbed and you had to lie on a bed. Yeah, yeah. And then like wheel it over the top of you. Amazing.

Crazy. I used to love the sunbed. You could rent them. You could rent them. It was ridiculous. Did you go through a phase of going on the sunbeds? I did, but it was only because I had really bad acne. Oh.

I was around 16. I used to go, well, I wasn't even 16. I was 15, 14. My dad used to take us to, in Hebburn, he used to take us to the swimming baths. I'd go to like the spa bit.. I'd go to the spa bit. So I'd go sauna and steam room to open me pores and that. And then I would go on the sunbed afterwards.

And my dad would come out looking fresh as fuck, like a million dollars. And I would just come out looking a bit redder in the same amount of spots. Shout out to anyone who's suffered from acne. I don't think I've really ever talked about this, to be fair, in public or anything. But shout out to anyone who's ever suffered from acne or anyone who's got kids or anything suffering from acne. I don't think I've really ever talked about this to be fair in public or anything, but shout out to anyone

who's ever suffered from acne or anyone who's got kids or anything suffering from acne. It really is horrific. Bless you. Horrific. Yeah, it was awful. I told you I did now

when I had that one in my ear and I pulled my earlobe down and it went all over the wall. Oh. It's like Kevin and Perry go large. So it was like on the back of my ear. I was like in my ear, this spot,

and I was in the sauna. I was in the sauna at the time and having baths. And I was like, I couldn't touch my ear because it was hurting that much. It was like this like, my ear this spot and i was in the sauna i was in the sauna at the time and having having baths and i was like i was i couldn't touch me x it was hurting how much i was like this like just like this like big crater and i just randomly got my earlobe and i just pulled my earlobe down and i just heard like oh and i just it was all over the wooden wall oh my word oh no bad in it oh bless you yeah it was really really bad really bad it's not bad anymore. No, well, I think it sort of helped me. It might have sort of moulded my personality

because I had to start taking the piss out of it. So having acne makes you a dickhead? I was going to say a comedy genius. Oh, no. Wow. Dickhead. Wow. Definitely dickhead.

Wow. Spoken like someone who didn't have the hard years of acne. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. It's time for What's Your Beef? Hello, Chris. Hello. Hello, Chris. It's Barry.

Hi, Barry. Mate, you know what? You know what? I'm not going to lie here. I'm very happy. Hi, Barry. Oh, Dad. What are you happy for, Chris?

Just because I haven't heard from him for ages. And, you know, absence makes the heart grow fonder. I'm over the moon now. I'm busy, Chris. I'm busy. Busy, busy. I'm in Australia. I'm busy Chris I'm busy I'm busy I'm in Australia fucking mint here Chris

honestly like me doctoring the maid is going to Australia me doctoring because you're taking the piss Chris but I'm absolutely classed being a doctor

so I had to go to Australia the need it is and oh fuck me, Chris. It's class, yeah. Honestly, man. Now we're gone out. I've got a new last day until Rosie. I've got a new last, you know what I mean?

Well, like, you know, the shag, it's not against the law and that. And I'm just having a meantime. Anyway, I just wanted to come on dead quick. Because, like, you nah, I nah. Like, you didn't say Happy Mother's Day to Rosie and that, but just let her know that I did one on my Instagram, but she's blocked us. But let her know that I said, from me in the bin,

Happy Mother's Day to the one true love of me life. The best mother in the whole wide world. Honestly, nobody is better than her. She never makes any mistakes. She's fucking brilliant. Even though her tits don't work, she's still the mother for me. Love, Barry.

Right. Nice one, Barry. Thanks, mate. Got it, Gan. Right. Put another shrimp on the Barry. Oh, God. God.

God. That was pathetic. Sheila. Yeah, that was pathetic. Was it? It was pathetic. Yeah, great. Yeah, yeah. He's hung up. Draw. Oh, God. That was pathetic. Shoot your lap. Yeah, that was pathetic. Was it? It was pathetic. Yeah, great. Yeah, yeah.

He's hung up. Yeah. Fucking hell. All the sound effects you get and you still haven't bothered your arse to get a dial tone on yet. It's nice to hear from him. Really?

I've been, I've genuinely been worried about him. Yeah. I think, I think it just had a lot to do with me being a bit down that the beefs haven't been around. He must have picked up on it.

Is that what it is that just couldn't be us it was weird as soon as he started talking I was so happy and literally five six seven eight words in I went

I've had enough of this yeah well anyway what what's your beef what's my beef what's your what is your

beef my beef with you this week is right yeah hit me all the running around and stuff I do for you What is your beef? My beef with you this week is, right? Yeah, go on, hit me. All the running around and stuff I do for you. All the stuff I do.

Went upstairs, get your stuff, go and get your things from different rooms all the time when you want things. Sort of. Yeah, yeah. You've got a lot. You're actually really shitted at the minute though. No, I'm great at it.

I was shitted when I had my bad ankle, but now my ankle's better. And last night, you were over in the kitchen making a juice and you found a biscuit a leftover little mr man biscuit for me i said oh i didn't think there's any in that tin you said no there's not no there is there's one i said that's amazing i'll have it with a cup of tea i heard a bang as i said it i turned around you were gone i went where are you you went lying on the floor i went why you went because i don't want to make you? You went lying on the floor. I went, why? You went, because I don't want to make you a cup of tea.

I mentioned that I might want a cup of tea and you fucking threw yourself on the ground like a football player in the Champions League who'd just been slightly tapped near the 18-yard box. What you don't realise though is you've hit a nerve. Right. I hate making people hot drinks. All hot drinks. All hot drinks.

All hot, anything. If someone comes to the house and I'm like, do you want a drink? I'm like, juice, juice, juice, juice. Double beef, double beef coming at you. Right, beef 2.0 here.

Right, great, come on. You make a thing all the time. You did it the other day while I had work in the house doing stuff. The other day, I heard from the other room, do you want a cup of tea?

Anything else? He has not offered you one. That's, you won't make me a cup of tea but builders are in you're fucking knocking the coffee machine on you're making frappuccinos

cappuccinos all kinds of shit going on and you love slagging me off and saying I haven't made them tea and I had and I ran through didn't I I heard you

and I ran through you have I said don't you I went to the bloke I went tell her now that I made you teas didn't I that was embarrassing I wasn't having it I wasn't having it now that I made you a tease. That was embarrassing.

I wasn't having it. I wasn't having it. Why have you made that a thing? That doesn't happen. I never go, oh, is he not offered you one? Every time, every time you go, oh, is he not giving you a tease? Ah, you put the fucking finish to it. Listen, in my defence, that's just a British thing to say.

We've got certain things that we just say, and that just must have slipped off the tongue. It's called jokes and whatever I was in the other room I sprinted through stop it in the mic stand I was in the other room

I sprinted through and I was like mate I was like tell her now that you made me that I made you two teas because this is I'm not having this

as a slander and he was a bit quiet for a bit but then he did he probably thought who's this psycho what's he listening to his wife in the other room for

honestly obsessed much? There we go. That's why I don't post stuff here. Toss it. Right, my beef with you. What is it? And my regret saying that, well, probably not.

I've said worse stuff. Okay. Yeah, my beef with you. This has been happening our whole relationship. Oh, God. So how long? Eight years? Oh, Jesus.

How long have we been together? How long have we been married? How long have we been married? We've been married since 2014. So, how long? Eight years? Oh, Jesus. How long have we been together? How long have we been married? How long have we been married? We've been married since 2014. So, what's that? Five? Six? Nearly six years.

Nearly six years. So, we've been together eight. Right. Yeah. Yeah, that's about right. Right. You don't know either, so shut up. Give it a tick.

I'm working on it as we go. I'm sort of padding through the dark here. Oh, good. For them eight years that we've been together, possibly not the first year because this didn't happen okay every time or if just every time i mention that i might need a number two or i am about to have a number two or you might walk in and i'm possibly having a number two you look at me with absolute disgust like why haven't you got used to the fact that i i do poo like you every single time you you're like shut the door oh god every time it's got worse during

lockdown because you hear a lot more obviously when we're together but i've just it's really it's really made us realize how much you hate that i shit yeah that's the way you do it man you're bloody paraded about for everyone to see what do you mean yeah just you leave the door open you come in yeah yeah you come in and do it while stuff's happening while we're chatting or somebody your favorite one is your favorite one which should have actually been one of my beefs ones we could be literally standing having a discussion about something, we're standing talking about the podcast, talking about the tour or whatever and you literally will go, oh I need a poo but just come with us and we'll keep the conversation going

no we won't keep the conversation going go and have your shit and come back we're not fucking adjourning this meeting to the bathroom, you pig the do creep up on us we've talked about this before, no I just don't like the way that it's just

disgust just go off and do it don't tell us the thing is there you started this you've answered your own question you started this beef with whenever I tell you

or whenever I'm having poo or whenever we're talking I start having a bit just go and do it it's the fact that you announce it it's the fact that you announce it no no no okay let's simplify it here

there's been times a lot of times you shout at me Rosie and I'll go, I'm on the loo, and you go, ah. Yeah, that's fair, that's fair. And it's like, what?

Just stop being on the loo. Stop doing it. Go and leave that. Go somewhere else. Go and shit at your mum's house. I've had enough. All right? I'm fucking sick of it.

Go and shit at your mum's, on the motorhome. Stop it. Stop it. Because I poo too. Hashtag I poo too. It's time for questions from the public.

From the public. Public. Public. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, it is shagged, married in order at

gmail.com. Please continue to send everything because it's always brilliant and we'll love you for it. Thank you so, so much.

Rosie's doing the reading today. Yeah. Bothered her arse. We don't have a mysteries this week. No mystery? Couldn't find one. Well, I mean...

Where's the mystery? That is the mystery. Oh. Right. So, we've got lots of questions, all very good ones. I've been having a little laugh whilst I've been reading through them.

Do you know what it is? It is my favourite bit because, A, this is one of the only times in my week that I actually hear from the outside world yeah and

we haven't been doing anything B we've got we're nothing I've been doing nothing I look at my diary there's nothing there I've done not a thing

so it's just nice to just enjoy other people's wars and C I after two years of doing this podcast I was like

we'll run out of stuff no we won't. Yeah. There is just always something new on these. One of them. That's brilliant. Coming up, one of them. You're going to lose your mind.

Really? I can't wait. Go. Dear Rosie and Chris, firstly, hope you are both well. Oh. Are you well? As well as can be.

Same. Yeah. I'm having a good day. Not a bad day for me. Ask us tomorrow. Yeah. Since the ankle got better, life a bad day for me ask us tomorrow since the ankle got better life's looked up for me our whole life has

I still genuinely walk around the house and now and then I just go because I can walk I've got a massive smile on my face and I'm just walking around picking stuff up it hasn't happened yet when's the day going to come that we look back on this and laugh? It hasn't happened yet.

I doubt that very much. You listed everything the other day that happened. Yeah. So what was it? It was pandemic, child off school, brand new baby, wife recovering from a caesarean section, broken ankle and six inches of snow outside. Yes.

Yeah. All in one go. Look, you laugh though. Are we nearly there? I was the kind of laugh the Joker does in Batman before he chops someone's face off. I'm not laughing properly.

Okay. Yeah, not there yet. Yeah. But thanks for asking. Yeah. Fuck you for asking. Dragging up all that. I didn't ask to go down that memory lane.

All right, stop. Erase it, erase it. Okay, it's gone, it's gone, it's gone. Back, back, back. Ever since my girlfriend and I started listening to your brilliant podcast, she has been telling me to write you with my story. A story that causes me to die a little inside each time I think about it. Always the best ones.

So here goes. Always the best ones. The ones that make you, when you remember them, make you involuntarily just make a noise in the middle of the night. You're in a shower. They're my favourite ones. Yeah. They're my favourite ones. So here goes. Always the best ones. The ones that make, when you remember them, make you involuntary just make a noise in the middle of the night you're in a shower. They're my favourite ones.

Yeah. My favourite ones. Just literally, you'll be walking around the house doing something and you just go, oh God! Because you just remember

something horrible. What's yours? I've got fucking millions. I remember them on a daily basis. I've got one that pops up the head. It pops up.

Oh, I remember mad stuff I've done on a daily basis and just go like, eh! To just get the thought out of my head. Yeah. Tell us.

Tell us. I've got millions of them. I'll tell you next time when one pops in. Okay. One will pop in while we're doing this, I'll tell you. Okay. The fateful event took place around seven years ago when, at the time, I was a young trainee accountant

at a small local practice. I had a small portfolio of clients to manage, and as part of this, with the managing director of my firm, I would attend meetings with clients to discuss their accounts and slash or tax returns. Portfolio. I did enjoy the word portfolio, I have to say.

Yeah, but honestly. Yeah, horrible. Worst job in the world, I think. No disrespect because someone's got to do it, but the thought of doing my tax return again. I loved it when I met you and you had an accountant. You were like, do you want to use my account i was like i honestly the the yeah giving them the receipts is the worst oh i think you poor fucking bastard you've got to look through these this is awful

i had to do that back in the day myself and i didn't know what i was doing i'm not gonna do it when i first started stand-up i had to do it i had to work out the mileage so i had to work out how many miles each gig was yeah i remember And I remember just sitting on the RAC route plan and working out so it'd be like I went to Manchester and back and it'd be like if I dropped someone else off

on the way I'd work out the exact miles and it was like 41 pence a mile or some shit. Oh, it's horrendous. It's not worth it. All my whole life of being self-employed

like a performer I just wanted to take on a contract where I'd be like please, will you just do me taxes? Will you just pay us and you do it?

Now it's worse though because you get all the money and then at the end of the year you go, you know all that money you've got? Not all yours. You go, okay then,

bye. Yeah, bye money. The particular client meeting of this tale was with a husband and wife to review their company's accounts. They had very recently

had a baby and so, despite it having little or no discernible financial knowledge, the baby also attended the meeting. Mint. Obviously one of them couples who just loves to take the baby also attended the meeting. Mint. Obviously one of them

couples who just loves to take the baby everywhere. Whereas we will fob ours off any given opportunity. Time out or lamppost outside? That's something that annoys me about people who have babies. What, the time in the lamppost outside? No. That's awful.

People who just, when they have a baby, just feel the need to take the baby everywhere. Yeah. Even if they do have childcare. Well, we were watching Below Deck the other night, weren't we? Because we're working our way through the back catalogue

of Below Deck because it's got lockdown viewing because we can't watch anything gritty or with any drama in it because we both get sad because we're on the edge. Yeah. So we just watched Below Deck

and it's great. And we're watching, I don't know what series it is now, it's the one with Josiah. Shout out to Josiah. I think you listen to the podcast. Oh, yeah. I think he Instagrammed me once.

Yeah. Ages ago. And he was like, I don't know what he said. He said something, but I didn't recognize him because we hadn't got to that series yet. So he's, sorry to exclude anyone who doesn't watch Below Deck, but it's basically about yachties. So it's about the people who work on the yachts

and these people these mega rich people like charter the yacht now i don't know how much the yacht is to charter i've got no idea but i do know at the end of a charter they give a tip of over 15 grand 15 grand or plus what the act that's the tip the fucking tip they give an envelope like drug dealer money but there's that there was just one where there was 10 people on and this man and woman had been like let's take all our friends on a yacht

and they'd bought their two kids with them like can you imagine that going hey guys hey hey adult Sony come on on the yacht

bring all oh by the way we're bringing my two kids because fuck all you because we're paying no chance I'd be raging absolutely no chance

say when you get invited to a wedding and they're like you can bring your kids I'm like well why would I do that they're not coming and now because I've heard that I'm not coming byddwn yn ymdrin. Yn unig, byddwn yn ymdrin. Yn unig, byddwn yn ymdrin. Felly pan fyddwch yn cael eich cyflwyniad i wneud gwyddon, a'ch bod yn dweud, gallwch ddod â'ch plant. Dwi'n meddwl, beth fyddwn i'n ei wneud? Dydyn nhw ddim yn dod ac nawr oherwydd fy mod wedi clywed hynny, dydw i ddim yn dod. Ydw i'n dweud wrthych chi. Mae gennyf y cod. Roedden ni'n cael y rheol ar ein gwyddon, oeddwn ni?

Roedden ni? Roeddwn i'n galluogi plant yn y dydd, ac yn benodol, yn y cyflwyniad, yn ystod ystod ystod, doedd dim plant yn cael eu galluogi. Ydyn ni? Nid oeddwn i'n gwybod hynny. Sut wyt ti ddim yn gwybod hynny? Roedd e'n eich gwyddon hefyd! Nid wyf yn gwybod pa mor oedolion oedd yna. Nid wyf yn gwybod pa mor oedolion oedd yna Nighttime do, no children allowed. Did you really? I wasn't aware of that. How do you not know that? It was your wedding as well. I don't even know how many adults were there. I don't even know which adults were there on the night. I was mortal drunk.

You were. Yeah, that was the rule. Yeah? You do know that. Of course you know that. I didn't know you told them specifically. I thought they all just left because they were tired. Oh, yeah.

All of the kids just left because they were tired. No, Chris, I said it. Specifically, I said, nighttime do, no kids. Got you. Because we didn't have kids. And I was like, why do I want kids at my wedding on a night? I've got kids now, and I said, night time do, no kids. Got you. Because we didn't have kids and I was like, why do I want kids at my wedding on a night?

I've got kids now and I still don't want kids at my wedding. We might have had to change it. You're not either. You're not coming either. What? I'm not invited to your next wedding? That's shocking.

No way. I'll be there. I will be there. I'll marry you. Thank you for taking this arsehole off my hands he never posts

anything on Mother's Day good luck with that I now pronounce you Mr and Mrs cunt bag congratulations Robin Wraith get your coat again

so anyway it was a bit harsh what I said about people who take their kids everywhere but people do people wear it like they wear them

like a badge of fucking oh me kids like no leave them somewhere like let them have their independence

is that bad of me to say that as a man if it's your opinion it's absolutely fine look you're the one who leaves your messages open on Instagram I don't

people might whinge but I'll never know anyway I love my kids more than anything in the world just don't want to spend all the time with them especially after this year oh wow oh god so anyway back to this back to this the meeting was progressing well when after 15 minutes or so everyone's attention turned to the baby who had now fallen asleep in the mother's arms i being incredibly witty decided to make a joke saying something along the lines of that'll be me in a minute classic this was met with more nervous laughter than i was going for with my boss also throwing me a very displeased glance and stating i don't think that would be appropriate at all

understandable i've got it i've done this one understandable though i suppose falling asleep in a finance meeting would be somewhat unprofessional after some more awkward laughter the meeting continued until five minutes later the mother adjusted her position in the chair it was at this moment and from this new angle i then realized the baby wasn't sleeping at all it was in fact breastfeeding classic absolutely fucking great i knew straight away because i've done that i've done that i've told you about this before oh you do that all the time all the time but i didn't want to wait on a pub and i was craning my neck and i'm trying to see this baby's face it's on this woman's knee and i'm looking i'm looking i'm leaning i've nearly got my forehead

on her face and i'm like and that's the reason i can't see his face is there's a tit in the way bye horrible i totally didn't i walked away and i came back what so with that time in the pub it was a new crime pub in south shields when i worked you were working there yeah yeah and i was like oh baby and i was like look look leaning in leaning in and i was like oh and i realized and i like sort of put my head up straight i walked off and i walked back like five minutes later because i couldn't bear it and i went just so you know i didn't realize until the last minute that you were breastfeeding and i'm so sorry and the woman was just laughing my head off yeah because it's you know it's totally natural but it is a bit awkward and when a young barman is like oh so mortified breastfeeding babies as well they do a lot of like they kind of latch on and then they'll just come off yeah and so there's

just a full tit on view and then they'll go back on and then they'll come off and then they'll just come off. Yeah. And so there's just a full tit on view and then they'll go back on and then they'll come off and then they'll go back on. So, yeah, obviously I've never... My tits don't work! I like to think that when they're doing that, I like to think the baby's like that and then moves up and goes... And then moves off and goes...

Look at that. Tits off of the lads. I imagine that's what they're doing in their little heads. I don't think they do that. That's definitely what they do. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Soundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together

and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret.

It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad times will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all for you. No, no, to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen.

I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real.

It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Bab-a-doo, bab-a-doo, bab-a-doo, bah! Hi Chris and Rosie. I've listened to your podcast from the very start.

I'm a huge fan. Nice. I've always enjoyed listening to the tales of bedroom hijinks. Hijinks, yeah. Hijinks. That's a word. What is that? Just like shenanigans. Right.

Gone awry. Mm. But it wasn't until recently that I realised that I myself have a tale to tell. Oh, well, here we go. This memory had seemingly buried itself away in my head, but on a recent car journey, it unlocked itself, and I feel it is my duty as a smar to share it. Always the best.

The repressed ones that pop back up are always the best ones. They are, because you've repressed them for a reason. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Let it out. Let it all out. It was the first weekend that my ex and I were spending together. We'd been on weeknight dates. We'd had sleepovers.

But this was the first time we were spending a prolonged, uninterrupted period of time together. So I was keen to impress. Right, okay. Okay. We'd had a lovely weekend. Lots of good times, good food and good sex. Congratulations. On this Sunday,

after a cute pub lunch, I decided that I wanted to show my spicy side, so we went back to mine and headed straight to the bedroom. Oh God. I grabbed a headscarf, tied his hands above his head and used my sleep mask to blindfold him. Oh, God. I grabbed a headscarf, tied his hands above his head and used my sleep mask

to blindfold him. He was loving it. Right. I just, that kind of thing, it's a lot of admin. You would hear me if I did that.

A lot of admin. I'm all right for it. I'm all right. Like, I just, I find it, I'd laugh. I just find it. So boring.

I don't know, just like, oh, yes, me head's going to put. I just find it, So boring. I don't know, just like, oh, there's me head's gone, put your hands up, tie it to there, can you get out? Yeah, no, a bit tighter then,

too tight it hurts. Alright then, a bit of headboards, is anyone in? No, no one's in. Oh, there we go, where's me head's, there's me blindfold,

it's pushing on me eyes a bit, I can't, okay, that's itchy. Oh my God, I'm fucking, put it in already. Just sick of it this i kind of okay that's itchy oh my god fucking put it in already just sick of it like how much time has everyone got it's everyone funny and about just have the cute dinner why not but just go and have like if you i just feel like you're

not very good at having sex if you have to do all this crap as well right okay that's my point right so you're yes i think i agree with you if sex is enjoyable enough you shouldn't have to be doing all of this shit. Yeah. But they've obviously got a lot of time on their hands. Like that restaurant we went to in New York, remember, where they all fucking dance on the tables and scream and shout and go crazy. Not the best food in the world.

They were covering up for something. Yeah, not the greatest food I've ever had. But all together, all of the big song and dance made it a good experience. Okay, well, that's what this is then. Yeah, well, just, you know. It is our ex. Right, yeah. all the big song and dance made it a good experience okay well that's what this is then yeah well just you know it is our ex right

yeah get better at booking you don't have to do all this crap fucking admin man so much admin alright well that's you some people enjoy it

I don't Rosie I don't like fucking plugging all this podcast equipment in once a week does me head in I hate it I couldn't be arsed

with all of that I'm the one that you have to have sex with so let's stop you know slagging off everything and saying that you you hate the admin involved in sex right because that's offensive to me what you could what because you think i should like a load of admin but we don't have a load of admin right let's not chat listen well these people know enough about us about you why make this about you It's all about me. So listen, listen.

He was loving it. He was loving it. I decided to take it a step further and really surprise him. Oh, God. I ran to the kitchen, leaving him naked and vulnerable on my bed. I'd be raging. I'd pull the fucking headboard off.

I'd hear I go out the door. I'd go, what is this? I'm going to wake up without a kidney. I'd smash a fucking kidney. He's very trusting, actually. Honestly, I'd go, what is this? I'm going to wake up without a kidney. I'd smash a fucking kidney. He's very trusting, actually. Honestly, I'm fine for it. Why do you think these always end in disaster? Come on, keep going.

It's not that bad. It's just a little bit quirky. Bloody health and safety nightmare. What if there was a fire? I don't think he's tired. I don't think she's tired at that time. Well, you can get out then. Most pointless thing. All he's doing is holding his hands above his head like a fucking Mexican wave on exam. I think it's more the you know, you've tied out then. Most pointless thing. All he's doing is holding his hands above his head like a fucking Mexican wave on his arm. I think it's more the you know, you've tied me up.

You are dominating and all that. Exactly. It's bollocks. That's what I'm saying. If you can get out, it's crap. Right, come on. Fuck's sake. Seriously, somebody take this man off my hands. I ran to the kitchen, leaving him naked and vulnerable on the bed. I've said that. I grabbed some

ice cubes from my freezer and carried them back to the bedroom in a bowl. I then proceeded to rub the ice cubes over his body whilst kissing him. Jesus Christ. Ice, ice, baby. It's pathetic. It's just a waste of time. You're going to have a wet patch on the bed. Is he a man or a mojito?

What is this? Oh, oh, I said mojito or mojito. I hadn't used ice in this way Oh, oh, I've got moiter on my head now. I hadn't used ice in this way before, so I was extremely focused on his face to make sure he was enjoying it. I'm glad... Oh, sorry, she was looking at his face. Yes. I thought she was rubbing it just on his face.

Just a cube on his cheek. That good? She did this, she's never done it before. Just on his cheek. That good? She did this. She's never done it before. Just on his cheeks. That nice? On his eyebrows. That's all I thought you meant. So she's rubbing up the rest of his body

and she's looking at his face. I get it. She's looking at his face. I'm glad he was blindfolded because my face was full of concentration and not sexy at all. Pointless. See what I mean?

Well, all right, for you, but not for these anyway. You're ruining the actual story. Okay, sorry. When the first ice cube melted, I grabbed another and rubbed it in his private area. Despite the coldness of the ice,

it was clear that he was enjoying the experience from both the look on his face and the size of his E-R-E-C Come on. We don't need to spell it out. We understand what's happening here. Why is it that I said the C word earlier on but I can't say

Yeah. I've said this before. I had a routine about this years ago. Science-y words are worse than swear words. I felt a bit uncomfortable. My nana routine about this years ago. Science-y words are worse than swear words. Yeah, I felt a bit uncomfortable. My nana listened to this. Yeah, it's weird. Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, sorry, nana. I'm talking about a hard-on nana. How weird, man. Heavens above, man. She didn't need it spelled out, man. She's probably sitting there going, get on with it, man. Sorry.

Okay. I then started to perform oral sex on him him but the minute his penis was fully in my mouth i realized something was very very wrong oh god there was something lumpy on his penis something almost gritty i was instantly freaked out wondering what sort of disgusting dick disorder this guy had. How I hadn't noticed it before this point. Could you book an emergency gynaecologist appointment on a Sunday? I pulled my head out of his crotch and stared at his naked body.

All over his crotch were little cream coloured balls. They looked like tiny eggs. They were all over him but mainly seemed to be embedded in his pubic hairs. What the hell? By this point, he had noticed that the mood had shifted in the room and started to ask what was going on. Brilliant. I could tell he was panicking under his blindfold. I told him not to panic and put what was remaining of the final ice cube back into the bowl.

Then it all clicked into place. Shut up. The night before, I had used that bowl to store some excess couscous that I had poured out of the bag whilst cooking. I hate her. I hate her. I hate her for doing all this, right? I hate her for doing all this and fannying on and I hate her for keeping couscous anywhere in our house.

The couscous had stuck itself to the ice and in rubbing it all over him I had in fact been rubbing dried couscous all over his body. When I realised that this was something that could be fixed without medical assistance I started howling with laughter. He saw the funny side too once I untied him. Totalled off to try and wash the dried grains from his nethers. There you are. Pointless. Waste of time. All you've done is, right, you've dirtied a bowl twice. That needs washing. There's wet on the bed.

You've just wasted everyone's time. Least he was hydrated. What, on the outside? That doesn't work like that. Well, who knows? What a pointless act that was. I got on a stop message. Get it in there.

And then what's your telly after? Oh, right. Come on, man messaging. Get it in there and then watch a telly after. Oh, right. Come on, man. And that's how I sex life, ladies and gentlemen. Except we don't put the telly on because it's too late. Go straight to sleep. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Speaking of sex.

Hello, Christopher and Rosemarino. That's my Instagram handle. I don't know why. Made it up a few years ago to just, I've never changed it. This story goes back to the start of lockdown okay my girlfriend and i moved into a small flat in london in january cut to march and the whole country has gone to pot one night we started to get a bit frisky specifically thursday 26th of March at 7.50pm. I know this time because unbeknownst to us, this was the first clap for Carers.

In the middle of our shag, our whole street began applauding. I knew it wasn't for me, but my God, it felt like it was. Oh, great. That's going to get you going, innit? With the entire road applauding and cheering at my efforts, it was probably the best I have ever performed. Cut to the following week, and we couldn't help but repeat our performance to rapturous applause. Amazing.

We felt a bit shitty, but for ten glorious weeks, our neighbours unknowingly clapped wildly as we got down to it. Since it has stopped, our shags have never been the same. That's amazing. Hey, don't feel bad. You enjoy that. Why not? Hi Chris and Rosie. I'm from Birmingham, but I live in Vietnam. I've been going out with my Vietnamese girlfriend, Cha, for the best part of two two years and have only recently been invited around to her mum's house for the first time. Wow after two years. I know. Goodness. Before heading over me and my girlfriend met at a cafe and went over the plan. Basically the plan was that I was going to be as polite as possible

and use as much of my shitty Vietnamese language skills as I could. Then we hopped on my motorbike and sped off to her mum's. With both of us feeling the nerves, as from Chad told me, her mum isn't easy to please. Goodness me. Well, meeting the parents

is bad anyway, like hard anyway to be fair, quite stressful in another language. The language barrier. Whoa, the stakes are high.

We arrive at her mum's and after a few overly formal and awkward greetings, I take a seat on the sofa. Chad and her mum pop to the kitchen to get some tea, and I'm left playing with the cat. Within seconds, the cat gets bored of me, walks to a corner of the room, and starts pissing on the carpet. I look around for a litter tray, or some kind of newspaper, but there's nothing.

Now, Chat comes back into the lounge, and I point her towards what's going on. She shows no interest whatsoever and nonchalantly informs me that this is the cat's pissing corner. No fucking way. And that it's totally normal behaviour. Nah. I'm about to beg the fuck to differ, but I hold back. You know, it's not my home or my culture. Wow. When the cat's done, he slinks off to another room, leaving a dark stain on the blue carpet and a mild to moderate disgusted white man on the sofa. Then, without a word, Char gets up, walks to the corner, rips out the section of piss-stained carpet with her bare hands

and heads to the balcony just off the lounge. Sorry. Pistained carpet with her bare hands And heads to the balcony just off the lounge Sorry Curiously I watch her through the glass window As she chucks the handful of carpet Onto a pile of similar carpet segments She then reaches Onto the shelf above and brings down A book of fucking

Carpet samples Shut up She takes two out from the binder, puts the book back on the shelf, comes back through the lounge and places the fresh carpet squares neatly in the vacant slot below where the cat had just been squatting. No

way, man. Before I can ask her what the hell is happening, my eyes scan the rest of the room and it dawns on me, it's all carpet samples. Like a fucking jigsaw. The entire floor is a patchwork of slightly different

shades of blue carpet all fitted together perfectly and without adhesive. Naturally I start pissing myself laughing and ask my girlfriend to go and get the binder because I may pop at any minute. It turns out that my girlfriend of two years had neglected to ever tell me

that her mum lives on a rotating roster of carpet samples from her aunt's carpet shop. When a patch gets dirty, she simply replaces it with a fresh one from the book or from the washing machine. That's fantastic. It's worth noting here that her mum is not in a position to not the book or from the washing machine. That's fantastic. It's worth noting here that her mum is not in a position to not be able to afford a full carpet. She's just too frugal to invest in one or a litter tray.

That's unbelievable. That is unbelievable. I relaxed significantly after that as I figured that if her mum's standards are set as low as living on piss-stained carpet stumbles, I was in with a good shot of impressing her. I absolutely love that that's unbelievable you know what I weirdly love it I mean terrible for the environment so bad just throwing massive bits of carpet out all the time

I've got a feeling they're just really little squares have you seen carpet sample books how does she run the hoove around I mean with great difficulty. What do you do? Does she get the little tiny nozzle and hold each bit down with her finger and go,

and then move to the next bit? You'd have to. You couldn't carpet it. You couldn't roll the full hoover up? No. Is this going to pull them all up? Do you think it's a little bit genius or do you think it's ridiculous?

Well, there's a fine line between insanity and genius, isn't there? It's on the fucking line, to be fair. But it's quite clever for the there's a fine line between insanity and genius it's on the fucking line to be fair but it's quite clever for the pissing corner yeah so the cat's got

the little pissing corner fresh bit of carpet every time not bad that cat doesn't know it's born I know buy a litter tray

what's wrong with people I mean I understand people don't like litter trays they think they're disgusting some people can get their cat way outside

or whatever you can teach them in the toilet jeez I mean goodness me it's amazing that like love stuff like that she's lucky that it's that that auntie's got a carpet shop because she'd be knackered otherwise i've got a funny feeling she wouldn't be doing it if the auntie didn't have a carpet so do i but when did that start do you want to do some free carpet yeah can i have 600 carpet 600 carpet samples, please? I think it would have started.

It would have started by a conversation of, oh, I've got to get rid of all these. These are old stock. I've got to get rid of it. And the mam, like my mam probably would have went, you're getting rid of them. Or your mam will have anything. No, someone will use them.

And then she'll have sat, and they'll have sat in the corner of the room for weeks, and she'll go, what can I do with them? They're fine carpets, them. She'll have thought, right, sod it i'm gonna mosaic me floor jesus that's my or was it like oh my carpet's got a massive stain on i can't get it out or cut it out cut it out and just try and get a similar color and then maybe maybe that was it maybe it was one carpet and you cut one out and put the thing back in and then it got to the point where it became more

cut out bits than actual carpet. I mean I quite like it. We're not doing it. I'll tell you that right now. You could do it with tiles. You can do it with tiles. That's why you keep spare tiles. Yeah. But just not grout them together. You get them grouted down in adhesive. I mean that is fucking crazy behaviour

that. Love it. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. Hi Rosie and Chris. Please keep me anonymous for the story. The story happened when I was 18 and with my ex-boyfriend. Being that young and in love, we were still at it like rabbits any chance we could get. So we were at his house, and his mum and stepdad were going out on a date night.

Lucky us. My ex was the oldest of four kids, so they were leaving him in charge. He stuck his younger siblings in the living room with a film so that we could have some fun upstairs. We started with floor play and when that had finished, we were about to have sex. But I turned around and accidentally kicked him in the face. Nice. I was embarrassed, but we laughed it off and carried on.

Only to be disturbed 15 minutes later. His little sister had come upstairs, slightly worried, and opened the door. Luckily, we were under the sheets. He was on top and the bed was next to the door, so my ex was quick to slam the door on her face, cover me up, then open it slightly so he could ask her what was the matter.

He was stark bollock naked behind the door talking to his little sister, and the exchange went as below. Little sister, erm, I think there's a cat outside in pain i keep hearing it cry my ex oh no i'm sure it'll be okay don't worry little sister no no i keep hearing a whimpering noise oh no come on my ex looked at me and smiled like he had the idea what was going on and i was still clueless my ex said to his sister what does it sound like to my horror his little sister started to mimic the noise that she had heard my ex shut the door and collapsed to the floor laughing it was me she

had heard my ex's poor little sister was mimicking my sex noises, concerned there was an injured cat outside. And it was me. I wanted the ground to swallow me up. Oh, God. Bless our little heart. But then the last

and then she's lying there mid-sex and a child is out. That'll kill the mood, when a child knocking on the door and mimicking your sex noises. What, an injured cat? I don't know. Some people make some dodgy sex noises.

So there's either something wrong with her sex noises or there's something wrong with the cats in that local area. It's one of the two. Somebody send out the RSPCA, for the love of God. Injured sex cats all over the two. Somebody send out the RSPCA for the love of God. Injured sex cats all over the place. Injured sex cat.

That's the name of my new band. Please welcome to the stage Injured Sex Cat. Meow. Alright, we're injuredjured Sex Cat. Fuck the police, yeah? I love it. I'd have fancied you.

I'd have went to all your gigs. Fucking obsessed with me, groupie. There's some space. As always, thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Chakramaranoid, which is now part of the ACAS Creator Network. Guys, thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag, Ride and Oid, which is now part of the ACAS Creator Network. Guys, thank you so much. Please continue to like, rate and subscribe and all that little stuff, your little five-star ratings on that.

What are you laughing at? All that little stuff, you little fucks. You're going to see I don't know why. Oh, yeah, what's happening? You've lost your mind today. I really have. Thank you for continuing to like, rate and subscribe and please get in touch, shagrideandodd at gmail.com. We hope you're all well. continuing to like, rate and subscribe. And please get in touch.

Shagrider.com. We hope you're all well. We hope you're all happy. We hope you're all cool. And big love. We'll see you next week. Bye, guys. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway,

the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night

on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.