Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 110. 110 take 2

Episode Date: April 2, 2021

It's not been an easy week of podcasting for Chris & Rosie... somewhere in the universe there are deleted audio files never to be found! Not to worry though as the pair recorded the show again! Here on take two of episode 110 the couple discuss jiving, medical samples, curry after effects and excuses for calling in sick. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Noid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey, who, if he asks me what he's having

for lunch, breakfast, tea, snack, dinner, one more time, I'm going to stab him, and you'll not see him again. And the police will be round to me door, and they'll go, Mrs Ramsey, what happened to your husband? I'll say, I'm sorry, he doesn't live here anymore, because I've killed him. He's under the patio. He kept asking me what he wanted what i was

gonna make him to eat bearing in mind i'm actually working more than him right now i'm not a cafe do it yourself you're a grown man goodness me we've started on such a nego vibe not even in the beefs and this is going on you keep asking us what just i'm making all your meals make them yourself but no right first of all i take i i made myself a bowl of cereal earlier on oh nothing to do with that so that's one meal of the day done right yeah let's take today right that's one meal of the day done you had nothing to do with right lunch you are said are you what you're doing you went i'm gonna make something i will can you not be something as well? You went, yes, you made us something. Tonight, I'm driving to the curry place to pick the curries up.

That's two out of three meals that I'm sorting myself out. If anything, today, you are a freeloader, mate. Freeloader. Today is just a one-off. Work on with your little, have a little, just trot yourself down to the curry place when I come back without yours with just mine. Letting your lip gone.

Unbelievable, this. Blimmin' negative vibes right in people's ears on a Friday morning. out at the curry place when I come back without yours with just mine eh letting your lip go on unbelievable this blooming negative vibes right in people's ears on a Friday morning straight in the negative vibes should we do it again

no because I want everyone to see what I have to put up with in this oh yeah how unprofessional

I'm sorry I'm sorry but this is a joke that's not that's the special alert I've got set up for when you're too nasty

to us can you tell I'm not pregnant anymore and I'm like I need to start taking agnus castus again because I'm just a mess. Right. I'm all over the place. Hormones. What if people don't know what agnus castus is? Oh, it's for your periods. Good. So in the introduction, she's already had a massive go. Threatened to physically harm us and talk about her period again. So that's class. So welcome, welcome to episode 110

of Shag Mind Annoyed. Thank you so much for continuing to listen and for continuing to write in some cracking little questions this week. I did the questions this week because she was too busy whinging about what she was making

for her dinner. 110, the amount of meals that I make Chris a week. That's a bad wish, a bloody wish. Honestly, don't push it.

Guys, without fannying on anymore it is time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor is burning the roof of your mouth

oh hey oh like a paper cut is that pizza you're gonna have oh that looks nice oh you're gonna have a little bite of that are you

oh oh dot you've ruined it but with your mouth you've just meal ruined yeah you've just broken a thought is that what you say i came downstairs last night right from checking on reef i think right i'd put a p obviously i'd put a pizza in for you yeah you know you're incapable of doing anything yourself brilliant i came down and you were currently in the middle of like burning the top of your mouth, weren't you? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Is that where this has come from?

That was actually this morning. That was today. That was with the pasta today. You came downstairs and I was going... You did it with the pizza last night. I'm always doing it. Honestly.

It's alright. You're in law against yourself. Let it never be said that I don't use the products that these sponsors are providing us with because I am a big fan of slash absolutely fucking hate burning the roof of your mouth. i think oh you got a little bubble there now a little

bit a little blister oh get a little squeeze oh what's that coming out of it oh that's not nice oh hurts now does it really brush your teeth oh have you have you blistered it that bad times yeah yeah you got to push it with your tongue a little bit of stuff comes out then it goes oh my word it's like just flappy skin and then sometimes if you go to brush like the inside of like the back of your top teeth and you pull it off goodness that's disgusting well you know it's the um it's the sort of the the side effect of uh being a greedy pig i was gonna say that is because you are so greedy you can't wait for your food to cool down also a very Italian diet. Can't help but notice.

Very stodgy. I'm very stodgy. It's got a very Mediterranean vibe. What have you got going on there? I did have cereal this morning and I am having an Indian tonight. So please don't be re-milling in saying that I am biased towards Italian food

because I'm not. All kinds of food can be in your mouth. You do like a French baguette as well. I do like a French baguette. I did dip some French baguette in my pasta as well. Again, stodge.

Carbs, get it in us. How are you so thin? Yes, because I'm just class. Oh, I'm sure. Do you know what it is?

It's all the worrying. It's all the worrying and bloody running around after you that I do. Yeah. Bloody up and down the stairs. Right, well,

we'll get to that later on. So, let's get to that later on. Come on, let's get to that. You can't hold me back! Hold me back! Do you know what happens sometimes on this podcast?

We start arguing a little bit in the intro, and then when that... Guys, when that... When that jingle comes on, what we do is we go away and we wrap our gloves in bandages and dip them in, like, glue and broken glass, like on Kickboxer,

and then we get ready. That's what's happening. Come on. Let's do it. Let's do it let's do it here's the jingle we had a fight about the jingle jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle so this is the jingle jingle we hope you like the jingle jingle Hello and welcome back. Suck it to the stomach three more times.

Is that off? Shimmy shimmy cocoa pop, shimmy shimmy ra. Oh God, don't. Shimmy shimmy cocoa pop, shimmy shimmy ra. I met a girlfriend, a Trisky. She said, Trisky, a risky. I screamed, started with vanilla on top. Ooh, Shelly Bell, walking down the street.

Ten times a week. I made it, I said it. I stole my mum's credit. I'm cool, I'm hot. Suck it to the stomach three more times do you know what i can't remember basic life things yeah but i know that off by heart yeah that's worrying isn't it you know it off by heart right okay if you know it off by heart let's just go back a bit so um say the words now as they are not just the noise of what you think they are. I met a girlfriend, a Trisky.

She said, Trisky, a Bisky. Nah, nah, you're making words up. I went with a Finsler on the top. You're doing it again. Ooh, Shelly man, walking down the street ten times a week. I met it, I said it, I stole me mama's credit card. Yeah, you know that bit.

Cool, I'm hot. Yeah, yeah, you know that bit. It's the first bit that you just made noises that sounded a bit like words and went dead fast and thought I wouldn't notice. It's leprechausing all over again, right? You're a fucking disgrace, right? Anyway, that was from the movie Big.

Yes. For all you young, young hot chicks and dudettes who don't know what the film Big is. Chicks and dudettes are, they're both female. A chick and a dudette is both female, so there you go. Is it? A dudette. If you're just saying chicks and dudettes. Oh, right both female. So there you go. Is it? A dudette. If you're just saying

chicks and dudettes. Oh, right. Okay. Do you mean chicks and dudettes? Listen, I don't want to say that I'm more biased to one sex than the other,

but I am because girl power and fuck you. Can you remember last night when we were on the sofa and I lay on your knee and I gave you a little cuddle and you just looked at us

and said, are you not sick of me because I'm sick of you? Can you remember that? That just popped into my head it's popped in my head now guys we're just sitting watching on a little sofa in the new house and then i put a nice telly up on the mantelpiece and everything it's bloody lovely lovely little cozy room and i just lay on a little knee and i said he love you and she just went are you not

you're not sick of me because i'm sick of you well listen it's me one thing that i always say to friends yeah when they're going to get married. I'll say, do they love you more than you love them? And if they say no, I'll go, don't do it. Why? Because you need to be loved more than you love back? Yes. Right, okay.

So I am, honestly, hand on heart, I swear on our children's lives I am fully sick of you oh my god it's too much it's too long I do love you, this is not me I don't want to split up or anything, honestly

don't leave us, this isn't an invitation for you to leave she's going to be pathetic now, isn't she you can start crying in case any of you look at you crying Oh, Tilly's turned, yeah. She's got a bit pathetic now, hasn't she? Oh, you can start crying. Oh, you can start crying. I can't see any of you. No, listen. Look at you crying because I've left you.

Look at you. Shut up. No, I am sick. I'm sick of you. I'm sick of me. I'm sick of Wichelt. I'm sick of everybody. I'm sick of this whole thing.

Just... We... The clocks went forward the other day. Yes. And we didn't even notice. No. Because there's nothing to do. There's still nowhere to go. There's nothing to do. I mean, Monday... the clocks went forward the other day yes and we didn't even notice no because there's nothing to do there's still nowhere to go

there's nothing to do I mean Monday as of Monday you can do sport outside or something fucking pointless oh everyone's getting chuffed about being able to meet

another family outside and I'm like oh thank you thank you for letting us meet outside Boris oh thank you so much I'm so grateful oh thank you so much I'm so grateful

oh thank you you could have already met another family if it was all exercise and apparently wasn't it there's all kinds of stupid fucking people if it's through work

yeah and it's an actual scheduled event 15 blokes we had moving our boxes in here by the way honestly 15 fucking blokes

moving boxes touching all my gear they're packing me bloody underpants they did the lot oh they'll be riddled yeah

yeah so your mates kind of come round and look at the new house but they've all been in I know underpants they did, the lot. Oh, they'll be riddled. Yeah. Your mates kind of come round and look at the new house but they've all been in, made them cups of tea the lot, kissed like five of them. They're all nice guys.

I've seen that. They're all nice guys, why not? Quite erotic if I want to say. you know, four of them filmed it, I kissed the other three or five,

what were you doing? So anyway, yeah, so rules there, things are being relaxed, people are getting buzzing. To be fair, in the positivity,

let's try and stay positive right okay another little bit of the road map has been achieved without anything being changed yet so let's just you know

let's just focus on the fact that it's hopefully gonna you know hopefully gonna keep going in the right way around and there we go yeah yeah

so there I'm just trying it's not working is it no Chris I'm sorry I can't even I'm talking to a wall I can't get excited about going to meet my friends

outside yeah because i've been doing that the whole time so um have i been breaking the rules i think so but were you walking with one friend two at one or one time there was two there was three of us is that allowed oh god oh that's it i don't even know what's allowed anymore one of them touched me car keys one of them touched me car keys. Hello, police, I'm living with a criminal. One of them touched me car keys. Fucking bloke at the school this morning, I dropped Robin off, bloke I know, had his head fully in me car,

looking at me car, I was like, mate, just got, he was like, oh, that flash car, this head straight in. Couldn't close me window for his head being in the car. I think he must have heard about you kissing all them removal men. Yeah, you know, you've got to work for it. You've got to just stick your head in your car for one

you gotta help us move some sofas yeah exactly but we didn't notice I was gonna say we didn't it was like I think it was four o'clock

and I was in the living room and I looked at the clock on the wall and I went that's weird that clock stopped exactly an hour ago and then I looked at my phone

and I went oh no the clock's went four and I didn't even fucking realise I had to change it we got really excited because our children slept in yeah half seven and I went, oh no, the clock's went for and I didn't even fucking realise I had to change it. We got really excited because our children slept in

half seven, twenty to eight and I was like, what? This never Chris, they're both asleep and it's half seven? It was actually half six. So that... We were buzzing. Yeah, but wait, how long have we, I don't know whether we've talked about this before

because every time the clocks go back or forward, I live for about two weeks still in there where it's actually only... It's actually infuriating. You do it for days and days and days and days. Straight away. Get over it immediately.

Get over it that day. Right, okay. For days and days, you're like, well, it's not going to... He's going to bed at... But it's really eight o'clock, isn't it? Well, yeah, based on last fucking Saturday. I know know but it just freaks us out because robin's bedtime you like if you take him up to the bath and it's half six i'm like but it's only half five you'll know

well he wouldn't it took me ages to go to sleep last night to be fair well there you go and i was a i was i was like i haven't told you this i was lying next to him and like because just with a bit in your house and stuff i like to sort of lie and wait until he's asleep before I leave his room I like to let him sort of nod off and it's nice and you know he's not going to be

my baby forever so I was lying there next to him and I sat on my phone I'll read him a couple of stories and then I'll just sit on my phone and I thought oh he's asleep

and I just got like a like a two taps on my chest and I like looked at him and he went turn your phone brightness down no he didn't

no he didn't and I went oh sorry son I went I'll sit on the floor and he went right and your phone brightness down. No, he didn't. No, he didn't. And I went, oh, sorry, son. I went, I'll sit on the floor. And he went, right. And I just sat on the floor. That's unbelievable. Probably a double little tap, little passive aggressive, like, doom, doom, in the middle of my chest.

Turn your phone brightness down. Wow. What a dick. Little bugger. To counteract his dickness, there's a swing in our new garden. And we were outside yesterday Babadoo babadoo babadoo Hello. Now sorry to interrupt

you there Rosie. That was a lovely story that you were telling about Robin on the swing. Yes. But unfortunately we're never going to hear the end of that story because Christopher deleted the recording. Don't know if I deleted it. Don't even know what happened. You stopped the recording. Don't know if I deleted it. Don't even know what happened.

Don't even know what happened. You stopped the recording. Don't even know if I stopped it. It just... Something happened with the recording. We sat yesterday, guys, and did an hour and a half of, may I say, electrifying banter.

Honestly, top form. Honestly, electrifying banter. Yeah. And I finished the podcast. We finished doing it, and I went to do the out, record the little outro. Yeah.

And then I went to export the file, and it exported outro. Yep. And then I went to export the file and it exported really quickly from the thing that I don't know how to use. I was like, that was quick. It's only six fucking minutes. That's why.

So. But six minutes of electric banter. Electric banter. Obviously. So we didn't want to lose it so we wanted to keep it. We kept the passive aggressive outro, intro.

Yeah, obviously. Although we kept saying passive aggressive, I've just listened to it again. It's just aggressive. it's not even passive no I mean literally I think the fourth word you're gonna you say is that

you're gonna stab us so it's actually just aggression there's no passive just how I feel 24 hours later still feel the same not gonna lie already we were

at that level yesterday when recording it of being angry with each other yesterday afternoon when we realised I'd fucked it up hands up I fucked it up I don't know how i fucked it up but i did fuck it up it

was all my fault yesterday afternoon was interesting wasn't it yeah i was gonna have a day off today yeah no not anymore not anymore but you know what i believe that these things are sent to try well to be fair yeah and you and you said, you went, this is disgraceful, we need to sort this system out, this is a joke, and I was like, Rosie, this is only the first time it's happened in 110 episodes, and you went, ah, fair enough. Fair enough, and we're doing it again today, and it's going to be lovely, but

should we... We can't reuse any of the questions. So I have got a couple... Some of them are really good. So you've... We've left all this in, in guys because we know you like to sometimes see behind the curtain so that first six minutes

up until Rosie talking about going outside on the swing which was fucking crap anyway to be fair shit story honestly doesn't even go anywhere it was just Robin being quite kind

and you didn't want to hear about that no one wants to hear about how nice your kids are they only want to hear about when they're little shit exactly we've got plenty of that called my mum an idiot last night

so there you go called me an idiot this morning when I turned YouTube off cracking I'll have to high five your mom later on idiots together um so basically um that that first six minutes was what we had and then i did the questions yesterday i've got a couple that i really do feel need to be read out to the people i feel like the people need to know there's two of them two in particular that i feel like people need to hear

so we'll either do them today or we'll do them again in another week's time when you forgot about them we'll see what happens but you've got some questions now i am we are going to crack on and can i just say update after listening back to that intro there and the little first bit i did go and get the curry last night because we have moved houses yes and i was thinking very importantly about this right we we went and got the curry we're very we love a curry we're very very worried about being in a new place with curry to the point of where my last place that i got curry from i actually said to the guy you know when i move can i just come through every month with a big pot and can you i heard the conversation on the phone chris was planning on taking a massive big pan and just getting them to fill it and what were you going to do with it where were you going to store it tummy no but you were you genuinely wanted to fill a fully blown massive

you're like a big pressure cooker yeah cauldron yeah yeah like a professional kitchen pan yeah yeah yeah with curry from the curry house yeah where were you going to keep it were you going to freeze it maybe i was going to portion it up get some of the trays that i'm going to buy some of the trays off and maybe and portion it up and freeze it. Or just put it in the fridge and just have like, go once a month and get a big pan and then have a week of curry eaten. Yeah. And then go again three weeks later.

But. Yeah. We tried out the curry house. It was incredible. And what I realized was last night as well, not going to say where it is because you know, but also what I realized last night was um there is two stages to if a curry's good or not right i ate it i tasted it i went this is absolutely beautiful i finished it i went this is fantastic then you play the waiting game the next day with i'm talking with mexican

food with any anything like spite any spicy kind of food you know it's the waiting game and how you've been fantastic ah see really but not but variable right and actually i'm quite grateful you know, it's the waiting game. How have you been? Fantastic. Ah, I see. Really? But bearable. Right. And actually, I'm quite grateful of it. Okay, a little flush, a little flush. I've just, you know, sorted this right out, if I'm honest. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very good, very good.

It's not painful. It's not like I don't have to run, but it's happened a few times. Okay, I got you. Yeah, got you. I did have to wait a few minutes walking into the school and let some thoughts out

before I left but you know it comes with the terror it does well my thing is if the world was you know not utter shit right now and I was going out tonight

I'd be quite grateful of those three poos I've had today three oh god right okay that's okay that's not great

no I'd be grateful because my dress would probably look a little bit more flattering. Not white though, just in case. Now, did I ever, and it got me thinking about the story, did I ever tell you about when we were on tour, me and Carl and obviously the two tour managers were on tour.

Here we are. Can we tell everyone about Carl and Sophie? Does the world know? Yes, he's announced it, yeah. Carl Hutchinson's going to have a baby. Yay! Yay! Congratulations, Carl and Sophie. Does the world know? Yes, he's announced it, yeah. Carl Hutchinson's going to have a baby. Yay! Yay! Congratulations, Carl and Sophie.

Yay! Yes, we love you very much. Very excited. Because Carl's so good with Robin. Yeah, they're going to be great. Yeah, they're going to be amazing. Just thought the podcast world needed to know about, you know, Carl. That's so nice.

He's going to be a dad. I'm so hyped for him, but now back to a story about him being a bit of a dick. Oh, great. Well, okay, let's counteract it. And let's save this for when his child is older. Got you. Did I ever tell you about, we're in Bristol and we're on tour

and we phoned a curry place, right? And first of all, we phoned one and we looked on the website and it said they were open till half ten but it was ten o'clock and we said, are you open still? And he went, how many is the table for? And we said four.

And he went, no. And we were like, okay. Well, I get that. Yeah. Oh, yeah, I'm not, yeah yeah would you want to stay open for four people set off 10 on your website set off 10 on your website i'm chris when you're a business owner it's your business okay you know what i mean do what you want yeah well we did what once so uh carl's thing is and we do this quite regularly now to all kinds of places and phone them back up put a different accent on ask them if they're going to stay open for a table of 15

they say yes you never turn up it's great shut up yeah it's amazing you didn't do that that is and we've done it another time

where we went in and the others are on their way and we sat on a massive fucking table of 10 and went oh they're not coming and started eating I'm not okay with that it's great that's horrible yeah we're assholes on tour we are assholes you came for breakfast with her once you hated it you were worst experience

in my life and genuinely when you go on tour when you go on tour next time yeah i'll not be sitting with you yeah no it was horrible you just complained about everything and even lovely bloody reese and pa Paul yeah chipped in two of the loveliest blokes in the world you've converted them yeah yeah yeah we'll bring them down

to our level bastards big time horrible yeah horrible bastards when you go can I have crispy bacon

and it comes it's not crispy you've got to send it back and then they bring it again and you go are you actually unaware of what the word crispy means

please there's 50 days I've been in your hotels please god god damn you anyway we went to the assholes but i'm aware that we're assholes yeah we went to another curry place right and i'll never forget this we all sat down it was he stayed open he was great we're like oh thank you so much the other place wasn't gonna he was like yeah come on in sit down and it was so weird because he came over and he made a point of going this and that other place right they use chili powder and curry powder.

I don't. I use fresh chilies, right? And we're just about to eat. And the guy was like, and listen, right? Chili powder, curry powder. You'll get the shits next morning. You will not get the shits with my curries. You will not.

And he went on and on. Was that part of his selling technique? It was so fucking weird. Right. It was just so weird for him to just go on about how you won't. He was like, you have the hottest curry here. You won't get the shits. You won't get the shits. It was really bizarre. You don't want to be hearing that just so weird for him to just go on about how you won't he was like you have the hottest clue here you won't get the shits

you won't get the shits it was really bizarre you don't want to be hearing that just before you're going to eat to the point of where he's putting off a meal I was like do you say this to everyone

and just talk about shits when they're just about to eat some food you absolute maniac the next morning we all got to the hotel breakfast we sat there and I went

did you and they went yes we all had the shits everyone everyone of us had the worst the worst experience ever and I don't know

if that was his thing I don't know if he's like I'll stay open for you but you know you rang for that table for 15 last time I know it was you here's some

I don't know what it was but yeah good I'm glad honestly it was the worst bravo sir bravo

it was the worst but it was to the point where he'd talked about not having the shit so much that I just couldn't believe it was happening I was up I literally sat in the toilet out loud on my own in the hotel going hey said this wouldn't happen sweating hey fucking awful oh gosh awful babadoo babadoo babadoo back big announcement chris massive massive massive massive obviously we are going on tour we were meant to be going

on tour last year yeah but that never happened but the dates have been rescheduled for the second time for the second time um we're very looking forward to seeing you all there if you want to check out the dates they are on our socials they are also on shagmaridenoid.com they're on the website there now guys it will be taking place in the autumn. The specific dates are all on the website. And we'll see you there! Yeah, honestly, I dream about it. I cannot wait. I cannot wait!

It's going to be incredible. See you there, guys. See you there, and thank you for your patience. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! So, yeah, so welcome back to episode 110. Take two. Take two. Rosie said that through gritted teeth.

Are you angry at us? No, weirdly weirdly I'm not I mean obviously it's irritating but at the same time it was a mistake you were more angry at yourself

but you are I was fuming I had to go and sit and look at the sheep for a bit you can't deal with you what's the word

you don't know how to coping mechanisms yeah that's exactly I was just storming around you were terrible in the crisis yeah you have no coping mechanisms at all so you were actually getting more annoyed wherever i was going chris it's all right we'll do it again don't let ruin your day and you were and that got me that got me more annoyed wow really so me getting more annoyed got you more annoyed well i went outside i looked at the sheep in the field uh over the road for a

bit and then i played on the trampoline for a little while and i felt better good like uh like a child like a 10 year old yeah so there we go that's how i cope great see everyone everyone out there with coping mechanisms bad coping mechanisms i can't even speak all you need is a trampoline get yourself a trampoline sorted so we did the beefs yesterday yes didn't we we did we're shaking your head starting on us you know i was shaking my head off. It's not on us. You know, I was shaking my head off. The fact that you're

talking about trampolines and that's what made you better. Right. The fact you don't have coping mechanisms is a really big thing in our marriage.

Right, but vocalise it. Don't shake your head while we're doing a podcast. I didn't know what was happening there. What the hell's the matter with you? It's an audio medium.

You can't shake your head at us. I was like, what have I done? So what do I have to do? I thought I called you by my ex-girlfriend's name again right i never done that so uh we did beefs yesterday but we're gonna pick we're gonna pick new beefs because we did have a go at each other for them beefs i'll i'll happily regurgitate mine because I'm still pissed off with it.

All right, then. I don't know what my beef is. Right, have you got a fresh one, Mike? I've got a fresh one as well. Yeah. Tartare. Yeah, a fresh one. Tartare?

Straight from the field. Right, okay. Beef tartare. It's raw. Yeah, come on. For God's sake, that was good. Was it? Raw.

Not fresh, raw. Right, raw. Right. Bringing it back to the streets. Just fucking, would you just carry on? For the love of God. Oh, hey, I wish yesterday's file was still raw. Right, raw. Right. Bringing it back to the street. Just fucking, would you just carry on? For the love of God. Oh, hey, I wish yesterday's file was still here. I sort of are.

It's dog shit. Right, what's your beef? My beef with you, my new beef, because I had two and I'm picking the other one and I'll revisit the other one. Don't think you've got away with it, right? Because I'm still pissed off about that. Brilliant.

My beef with you is, you cannot eat anything without spilling it down yourself. And the problem is, I see it coming a mile away, and I don't say anything because you always tell us I'm interfering and I'm a busybody, and you just spill stuff on yourself. And do you know what? It's grotesque to look at, and I'm sick of it. Sick of it.

The other day, you got a little bit of white bread, and you got some prawn mayonnaise. Ready-made prawn mayonnaise. Ready-made prawn mayonnaise. And you spooned it into this bit of bread, and you got some prawn it was like prawn mayonnaise ready-made prawn mayonnaise and you spooned it into this bit of bread and you folded it and i was like that is gonna go everywhere and you'd bit it like you'd never eaten a sandwich before you just held it up and just went and it just went all over you and all over the and all over the floor and i was just like have you ever lived it was horrendous i thought you enjoyed that i ate like henry the

it's disgusting it's genuinely disgusting and i'm sick of it it's constantly you can't do anything without spilling stuff on yourself i know it is yeah it's it's my default that's the only good thing about lockdown i'm glad we're not out eating anyway because i don't have to walk around with you we're fucking dinner medals all over you. I love that saying, dinner medals. Dinner medals is great. Well, I genuinely, if we're going out for a meal with my friends, I can't wear white. Yeah.

Well, you can't wear white anyway. Have we ever mentioned that? Oh, I miss her so much. My best friend, Steph. Right. Wears a napkin as a bib. Yeah, she tucks it in, doesn't she? Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Brilliant. Grown woman, two children, married, a teacher. Yeah. A primary school teacher. Tucks it in like Tom and Jerry. Tucks her napkin in to her top. And it's the worst thing I've ever seen. And she's done it since we've been 14 year old.

And she still done it since we've been 14 year old and I can't and like she still does it and I'm just always we went to House of Tides and she did it Jesus

House of Tides Michelin star restaurant and she took that fucking I'm kidding well I remember all brides all brides get like

a bib thing for the wedding hers she looked like she was gonna just nip off an emulsion a fucking wall

she had like it was like an overall it was massive. It had sleeves. I think so if I remember rightly. Oh my gosh. Honestly but I love that about her.

I really do love her. Have I ever told you about a bag that she used to wear? No. Oh my word. She used to wear a bag. What do you mean? So we used to when you we used to, when you start going out, when you start kind of going to pubs and clubs and stuff, we'd all have like handbags and that. Right. Steph used to wear a Nike drawstring bag

to the club, right? Shut up. So instead of a bag, like a clutch bag or a purse. She'd wear a Nike drawstring PE bag, right? Wow. Like a plimsoll bag. A plimsoll bag, yeah. So the story goes, that went a bit minging and mouldy, right?

Because she had it for so long. So we were like, Steph, it's time to get rid of this. She was like, I know it's minging. We were laughing, going, oh gosh, what are we going to do? You're never going to have it again. And we're all laughing.

Went out again. She'd just bought the same one again and knew're all laughing went out again she just bought the same one again a new average and i was like please you're in your 20s can you not wear your pa bag when we go out she went to the apple shop and got one of the ones from the apple shop oh just and thankfully she doesn't wear that anymore now I went away for someone's stag do and someone had one of them once

I went away for a weekend we went there get this for a stag do location you ready ready hull oh we went to hull

what's in hull it was actually a really good night yeah a gig there every tour I do hull is that how they talk love hull bloody love hull

so yeah we went and someone took one of the lads, literally had, for two nights, or was it one night? I can't remember, but he literally had a PE, drawstring PE bag. To take it on his night out? What are you doing? No, no, he just had that,

like he turned up at the hotel with just that. And I was like, what the, like, how? How? Here's something. Yeah? I don't understand how men get through life without a handbag. Right.

Pockets. Oh oh i hate it oh nothing more off-putting to a lady than a man where you can just see their phone and their wallet and everything in their pockets it's gross why is it gross just i don't like it right don't like it freaks us out okay yeah especially because tight pants are getting more fashionable now. And I'm like, what? I can see your cock, for one, which is rank. That's good. That's good.

Everyone wants that. No, I don't want to see. No, they don't. Women do not want to see Brog's cocks in their pants. Can they see? You can see. Maggie! When was the last time you saw a cock in a pants?

You can. You can see them. Really? You can see tight ones. Bald. Really? You can see a tight one. Bulge. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Good grief. And then you can see a phone and a wallet and all of that.

And it just looks weird. Okay. Well, can I counteract that with, I don't like the fact that sometimes I'll go, Rosie, I'm taking your car. Where's your car keys? And you go, it's in my handbag. And I open it.

And there could be, you name it. There's anything in there. I mean, there's masks in there now. There's chewing gum. There's half-sucked worth. There's origin it, there's anything in there. I mean, there's masks in there now, there's chewing gum, there's half-sucked Weathers originals, there's sweeteners, there's just all kinds of absolute shit in the bag. I just, I feel like you could streamline it. If you had pockets and you didn't have as much choice

to just throw loads of shit in your bag, I feel like you could streamline it and take less things out. Yeah, there is far too much stuff in my bag, but then I'm just always ready for some sort of emergency. What kind of emergency needs a half-sucked Withers Original? There could be an old person on the street who needs revived back to life.

A diabetic old person. What's wrong with him? His mouth's really dry and flavourless yeah I love it where's that Werther's original his mouth's really dry and flavourless

but it specifically can it be a brand new Werther's because we can't open his mouth far enough we need it to be partially sucked stand back stand back

where's me bag rock city you're the best fans in the league back. Where's me back? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, back. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. This Friday.

You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. You know, don't. The first omen. I things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't.

The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. The Impeders Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH,

the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca.

I haven't done my beef. Ooh, what's a beef? I'm going to regurgitate the one that I did yesterday. Oh, we use material. So hang on a minute. Oh God. Hopefully, hopefully, getting here again, I might think of a better comeback,

but I don't think I did. I think I had to lie on me back and let you scratch me belly for this one. I think I had to give in. So my beef with you this week is we have moved into our new home. Yeah. Still currently living out of boxes.

Yes, indeed. Clothes are all in boxes because we just haven't had a chance being so busy. Tell me the only room that is fully functional and ready and being used right now currently.

Tell me after three. Yeah. One, two, three. Me office. Yeah. So. Chris got his office fully functional

ready Peloton's up he's been on it he's got a he bought a brand new telly which he got delivered to the house and he's put that up

it didn't have to fit in the cupboard in the unit so Chris's office is fully ready nowhere else is yeah nowhere else

your kitchen my kitchen yeah that's nice that's good to know I'm joking don't email it I'm joking

kitchen's quite good well the kitchen was fully ready anyway that's why we bought the house but no other room is done there's no pictures

on the walls nothing's ready but your office is so I'm glad I'm really really glad well you selfish

little wanker you used that office this morning for a zoom because it's the only room that is fully ready and you're welcome

oh oh you're a dick do you realise how awful that is that you've just got that one room ready I need my own space

garage is next then shed don't you don't you dare get that don't you dare get that garage done before everything else

in this house that's last shed first Chris don't I'm being, don't you dare. Garage. Don't you dare get that garage done before everything else in this house. That's last. Shed first. Chris, don't. I'm being serious. Don't. On suites, don't. No, it's not.

There's still stuff. Still loads of stuff to do. The bathroom. Bathroom done. Still needs a mirror. There is no mirror above the sink. Well, why are you so vain, man? Why are you always looking at your face?

Go in the office and turn the camera on on my computer have a little look there oh no do I take that back because you'll be fucking brushing your teeth at me Mark

I'm not having that oh yeah well babadoo babadoo babadoo it's time for questions from the public from the public public bababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababababab So yes Here we go You're going to do the questions this time Rosie I am because I don't

Is it still recording? Let's check I do have to keep checking my computer Yeah it looks like Oh my god Don't you fucking do it Rosie it's recorded in Spanish What?

Nah it's not Is it recorded? Yeah it's recorded Promise Yeah it looks like it is Don't touch any Oh Jesus The thing's moving

Do you know what? I'm going to actually just turn on I'm going to turn on My voice voice note why well that'll be shit well i don't care we haven't got time to do this again right you're messing it all up i'm not you know what piss actually do you know what pisses me off about this what you're like oh i don't really know how to use this learn they're watching everyone oh they're fucking giving you a life story on youtube man i'm sick of it i I tried to watch some guy, some guy yesterday on YouTube

saying how you can get your files back. He was a fucking house DJ. He was like, oh, so you've laid down a track and you've done this and you've got your bit and I was like,

this is not my, this isn't what I'm doing. Well, mind, it was funny yesterday and I know people are just trying to be helpful and I'm going to sound like an utter dick

and I don't, well, fuck it, I don't care. So I put on yesterday that you delete the file. People were like, have you checked the bin? The trash bin on the computer? I was like, yes, it's not.

I spoke to my mum, and I went, I've deleted the things, and she went, eh, well, can you not? I went, don't, don't, don't. I went, don't say any more words, because me and Rosie have been back and forth on this. I spoke to my producer. Hang on.

If my mam, my 60-odd-year-old mam, can randomly come up, no. There's no way on earth. Is this the same mam who told us she needed a laptop because she couldn't book a holiday on the iPad? Yes. Wouldn't let her. Yeah, that was it, yeah.

Not how it works, Anne. Yeah, the iPad doesn't let you book holidays, apparently. You're stuck to that, I think. Question one, do you have an iPad? Yes, can't travel. Travel ban on iPads. Lunatic. Lunatic. Guys, if you want to get in touch, it's shagmountainhoy.gmail.com Please keep sending your wonderful,

insightful, terrifying, incredible, ridiculous, brilliant and brutal stories in. We absolutely love hearing them. They've kept me going. They really have kept going and uh i might pull a few from the old archives uh of yesterday's deleted thing later on but first let's rosie just there was some good questions yesterday just really interesting more less questions rather good stories but we'll see how we get on today i've got some new stuff this this shit shit loads in them. It's brilliant. It's absolutely brilliant. You know what it was as well, can I just say? It was technically

your fault that yesterday's got deleted because I've got to switch screens to look at the questions you see. So when I'm switching to read the thing. You are such a dick. It had nothing to do with me. Well, you didn't get the questions. I had to get them. So I had to switch screens and that's probably what happened there.

So, do you know what I mean that's a really angry face ooh you're slamming a coke down I will crush this diet coke the coke diet coke sorry thank you very much

okay you'll find out I'm not a fat pig alright good yeah that's it you can have a couple easter eggs a day then that diet coke

yes takes the edge off that does it right okay I'm going to start with this one and it involves I'm not even going to tell you

but I thought it was funny Come on But it's a bit rude Hey Chris and Rosie Hi I have a poo story Great for you

Wonderful Glad I should have done the jingle We haven't done Let's Talk About Shit I don't want to add any other kind of stuff to this I just

I'm frightened You've already got your voice note recording I don't know what's happening Yeah, I can't go on. Well, let's talk about shit, baby. Let's talk about poo and wee. Let's talk about all the good shits, all the bad shits that have been. Let's talk about

shit. Let's talk about shit. With a little bit of shit. Let's talk about shit. Shag, married and shit. Yes, here we go. I have a poo story. I do like that you can just knock a jingle out on the regs. Very good. Thank you very much. Very good.

Glad it's not personally mine, but found it a bit of a giggle, so thought I would share. Let's do it. My husband and I have a small business that we have owned for 16 years, and over that time, I have had people calling sick with all manner of excuses, but this one takes the cake. Oh. The phone call came around 6 30 a.m as we were lying in bed

contemplating getting up as my husband looked to see who was calling he rolled his eyes as this particular person was an absolute shocker for ringing in oh so they did it all the time yeah got you it was very rare to get a week where he didn't have a day off sick. Wow, that's really bad. Sack his ass. Holy heavens. Once my husband hung up the phone, I was intrigued to hear what the excuse was going to be this time. But my husband couldn't speak as he was laughing so hard.

Excellent. Apparently, the poor bugger couldn't come into work because his partner was constipated. What? What? What? It was upon questioning that he elaborated on the situation. Apparently, his partner was trying to pass a particularly stubborn stool and instead of watching her struggle, he offered some assistance and pulled the poo out of her bum for her. Shut up. No.

He couldn't come to work in case she needed more poop-pulling assistance. Ha, ha, ha. God, I lied. Oh, no. more poop pulling assistance do you think that is a true story or do you think he's just reached the end of like the excuse I mean line that is so desperate if it's a lie that is a couple of things what like is she alright with that if

one right if it's true there is no way she would be like well tell your boss the truth you know lies you know lies are bad yeah there's no way she'd be up for letting him tell the boss that if it's a lie there's no way she's on board with this lie there's no way he's gone listen i want the day off because we mean you are going to you know watch the end of, I don't know, Better Call Saul or something on Netflix.

We're going to binge something. I'm going to just, because I've used loads, I'm just going to tell him that I'm pulling shit out of your arse all day. Is that all right? Oh yeah, that's absolutely fine. Yeah, the Christmas party,

that's not going to have some funny fucking looks off you. I mean, come on. Is that something that would happen? Yeah, probably, yeah. So it's either 100% true and he is so excited that he's got a genuine reason, not just some bullshit. To stay off work.

Went and told and he hasn't run it past her. Or it's absolute bullshit. Either way, it's bullshit or it's true and she is not in on it at all because there is no... I would not fall on my sword. If you wanted to stay off work, I would not fall on my sword at the level of saying

tell your boss that you're pulling shit out of my arse no chance no chance you don't love me at all do you I don't care what it was for I not a chance not a chance

can you imagine that no way oh that's hilarious I mean what delivery are you waiting in for that you've got to make that up it's horrific i'd love to hear these other excuses because if that that's beautiful wow i want to give everybody a little bit of advice right now yeah not medical but some people don't know about these things and i feel like the world needs to know

if you're ever constipated you need to go to one of the pharmacies. There's a couple of the big ones. I don't want to name them. Right. But you know. If you want named, you've got to pay. Rhymes with schmutz

and schnuperdrug. Jesus. Schnug. Schnuper, schnug. Anyway. Checks in the post. So, glycerin suppositories.

Yeah. Sell them in supermarkets as well. Do they? In some supermarkets, yeah. Absolutely wonderful things. Took one on me wedding morning. Great. Sell them in supermarkets as well. Do they? In some supermarkets, yeah. Oh, absolutely wonderful things. Took one on me wedding morning. Great.

Whoop. Emptied meself. You might have mentioned that. Have you put it in the book? That was in the book. Yeah. Emptied meself good and proper. Yeah.

Gets you ready for the wedding night when your wife's like, I'll supposit you this morning. Oh, good. Let's get it on. Glycerin. I just think people should know about them

because I didn't know about them until my mum gave us one a few years ago. And I was like, Sandra, we've been keeping these little bullets all my life. I found I said before that when I did that time crash

for Channel 4, we had to poo in the time period. Keith Allen did it where he wasn't bothered. He was just, I mean, the man's just, he was just shitting everywhere. He wasn't bothered at all.

But I was holding it in for two days and then when we got to our hotel i would put a suppository you know just two days but how did you know about them from you thank you very much yeah i do like to put in the moments when i have to do it i do like to put a glycerin suppository and then see how long i can wait you yeah because you the the thing is what happens i'm going to let everyone know what happens is it's a glycerin suppository, so it's made of sugar, water. Okay, so you put it in. Yeah, yeah, this is what happens. So you put it in, and it starts to melt. And your sphincter, it starts kind of, because it's like,

what is that foreign body in me bum all? And so it starts moving all of your stuff, which moves your insides, which helps you poo. And then you've got to keep it in for as long as you can. It's like a little game. like starts moving all of your stuff which moves your insides which helps you poo and then it feels amazing you've got to keep it in for as long as you can it's like a little game it's like butterflies

in your bum yeah best way to describe it butterflies in your bum try it keep it in for as long as you can and then even to the point

where you think I'm going to shit myself you go no I can do five more seconds come on let's get everything out and yeah and then I did it

for my first poo after I had both Rafe and Robin wow yeah thanks for telling everyone that you're welcome so good my first poo after I had both Rafe and Robin. Wow. Yeah. Thanks for telling everyone that. You're welcome.

It's so good. The first poo after you've had a baby. Jesus. Why? Well, I've heard, obviously I had C-sections. And the reason I found it so painful with the C-section is because you've obviously had major surgery and it's painful. But apparently when you've had a vaginal birth as well, it's like, whoa been a lot going on down there i mean there must be a better one must be able to sort a better way of having babies the most i mean it's both let's be honest right a c-section

or a vaginal but yeah i mean they're both a fucking car crash on the grand scheme of things it's craziness there must be something i don't't know. I don't know. You know, maybe our children might not have to go through that. Just think them out. Maybe. I don't know. Elon Musk will sort something out, man. Come up with something. Tesla them out, man.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We'll see. I don't know what I'm talking about. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hiya, Rosie and Chris. Hope you're well, and I hope this story and question cheer you up a bit quick bit of backstory i go dancing jiving with my mum love it already love it she's been doing

it a lot longer than me and i started when i was around 17 it was great fun anyway when i was 18 and back from my first semester at university and full of hormones, my mum and I went to a freestyle night where you dance all night with anyone at the venue. My mum has been going a lot longer and at the time knew a lot more people than I did.

Anyway, during the evening I got chatting to a friend of my mum's. We chatted and danced most of the night together. Why does this just not sound like an 18-year-old boy? Oh, is this a boy? It's a man. Oh, right, okay.

Yeah, this is a bloke, right? Oh, I think it's nice. No, because on the flip side, you'd love it if Robert O'Reilly came jiving with you. You'd be buzzing. I absolutely would. I really would. But, yeah, no, I would.

I actually would like to go jiving, to be honest. So anyway, we chatted and danced most of the night together. At the end of the night, a group of us usually go to the pub for one drink before all heading home. As I was only 18 and couldn't properly handle my drink, I got tipsier than I expected. When we were all heading home, I turned to my mum and said, I'm going back with Alice, let's call her, and I'll talk to you tomorrow. Wow.

Wow. Jesus, this has turned... I know! What the hell's happening here? The whole driving thing lulled me into a massively false sense of security. What's really weird is they're talking about these, he's talking about the night and he's going along in the night and all the night's normal.

Then he gets tipsy and it all gets a bit, and it's almost like the email, it's almost like halfway through the email, he got pissed and then started this sentence. Do you know what I mean? It's all like, I went jiving, it was lovely. I'm like, you know what, I'll have a quick bottle when I'm writing this. And then I fucking bang my brain off.

So weird. It's very strange. I'll fucking bang her brains out. So weird. It's very strange. So we bang their brains out. I'm going home with Alice. Mom, I'm going home with Alice, the person we communally dance with. After my one drink. And I'm going to bang her brains out. No problem, son.

We're a rubber. Unbelievable. The next day when I woke up i realized i couldn't get home as i didn't have my wallet and my mom had driven us to the venue last night good grief i had to call my mom to pick me up from her friend's flat and drive me home oh my god it was a friend it's a friend alice was a mom's friend yes it's a friend jesus this is jiving the jiving community is rife with rampant you know guys, aren't they? Good grief. When she arrived, his mum,

I couldn't look at her. She seemed not to want to talk about it. Funny that. Either which I was fine with. She seemed not to want to talk. But she's your mum. How was Alice's vagina last night, son? It's like you getting in the car.

Morning, Mom. You all right? How many positions then? What's your sound like? Come on. Come on. Ew, ew, ew, ew. People have got strange relationships with their parents.

However, though, he says, yeah, halfway through the journey home, she gave me a piece of advice that I will always remember. Yeah. She said to me listen one bit of advice i'm going to tell you right now don't where you jive yeah don't mix it just keep the driving professional sunshine don't be don't be where you drive don't be when you're doing you know what I'm saying? Shake, round and roll.

Nothing throws off the rhythm of a jive like a one night stand. I'll tell you that right now. Me, made that mistake in the past. You know what I had to do? I had to switch jive clubs. Not notice this one's 25 minutes from the house. There's one five minutes from the house.

But I fucked someone there, didn't I, son? I let me heart get in the way of me jiving. I'll never do that again. Well, me heart and me feet, that's what I did my son I let me heart I let me heart get in the way of me driving I'll never do that again well me heart and me feet that's what I did what was the advice so the advice no it's not

the advice is don't fuck where you drive son no it's not the advice is she said to me to always pack a toothbrush on a night out in case of a situation like this I know it's not. The advice is, she said to me, to always pack a toothbrush on a night out in case of a situation like this. Nice one.

And I'm ashamed to say, I kept a travel toothbrush in my jeans in most of my nights out in the first few years of university. And this is why men need bags on nights out. Exactly. I rest my case. Get yourself a man bag.

Wow. It says here, P.S. Her friend was 35 and I was 18 at the time. Gee whiz. What a slag. Wow. I know. Goodness. No wonder her mum was a bit weird about it. His mum. Wow.

There's a question here. My question to you both is has your mum ever given you a piece of advice that looking back now made no sense? My mum's thing was always you can never have too many friends.

Alright, okay. That was her always her thing have as many friends as possible which I thought was quite good advice. It's nice

it's a bit stressful. Having loads of friends. Yeah. Yeah. I can't keep up I'm in a WhatsApp group, right? Yeah. And this is for any of the G&S crew,

Gilbert and Sullivan, Upright Society. Yeah. Like a bit of driving as well. Yeah, yeah. Can't go back though because I have too many one-night stands. No, there's a WhatsApp group

and I didn't look at it for a few hours. 134 messages. That's intense. Chris, I have not read them. I'm sorry, guys. I can't... No, you can't have too many friends background reading that that's crazy that's like a fucking university

no essay where'd you be where'd you begin replying to that yeah who are you replying to what you're saying quoting back something off like four weeks yeah and they'll be like oh rosie are you kidding us we've talked we've done that so no i think you can have too many friends i know what advice my mom gave uh which i always rallied against, was when I started stand-up, it was always have something to fall back on. Because my mum knew that I wanted to be something. I don't know why.

She sort of had an inkling that I was going to be some kind of entertainer or whatever. But it was like, you can do whatever you want, son, whatever you want in life, but always get your education so you've always got something to fall back on. And I just always thought that that was... Wrong me. I mean, it might be really sound advice to be fair but i always thought it was um

a kind of way of preparing to fail at the thing i agree i agree have nothing to fall back on so that you have to actually really go for what you want to do is rosie's opinion and you shouldn't live by that if you're young as always no bullshit educate I know people who've got degrees and they work I don't know like they've got a job careful no I'm not fuck I don't care

I know people who have degrees in science right don't know what the science is one of the three physics chemistry biology

one of the three one of the three no they do I'll be honest with you I think it branches out a bit more when it gets to degree level I think there's more than three

but they've got they've got a bloody what do you do oh I work be honest with you. I think it branches out a bit more when it gets to degree level. Right, fair enough. I think there's more than three. But they've got a bloody... What do you do? Oh, I work in an accountant's office. Yeah, okay, I get you. What's your degree in? Science. It's got football to do with it. Which we're not saying is a bad job.

I know what you're saying. I'm not saying anything. A job is a job. If you are earning money every month, you are earning a living. I don't care what you're doing. Don't have... No, don't...

Education. Oh, I hate that. Yes, it's great if you can if you are an educated person well done you go and get your degree go for it

but if you're not then who cares I didn't even go to college I quit college two months before me AS levels Rosie don't don't sell yourself short

you did go to college to reset your GCSEs that's the only reason I don't because that's the only reason they let us in. Listen, if you're slagging off education,

I can slag off your lack of. This is just the game we're playing here. That was a bad day in my life. What was? Well, when I finished school, I got told

in my GCSEs, my maths teacher had a meeting with my mum and dad and said, look, I've had to give her ungraded.

I got predicted ungraded because got predicted ungraded because a fail basically my maths teacher was like she's going to fail just to warn you anyway guess what I got a D right buzzing I was buzzing my mum and dad were buzzing

they were like we thought we were going to fail this is great aim low kids anyway whatever so look at Derek look Rosie's put her socks on this morning

herself look and we thought she'd be barefooted her whole life well done Rosie well done yeah has Kylie Minogue

got good GCSEs I doubt it bit annoying because I don't know what the education system is in Australia great anyway

you can actually use that because she's from Australia. I don't think they do GCSEs. It's a different education system. So you can actually use that. You can actually say, I'm an orgasm, got GCSE. Better the devil you know. It's factually correct. Amazing.

I'm glad. Can I finish my story? Yes. So I walked into South Tyneside College, proud as punch, thinking I'm going to start again, right? A fresh slate. Get me here. I'm going to do theatre studies. I want to do it.

You went in with your D. I'd like to lecture in maths, please. I think you'll find this D means I own your arse. Get Pythagoras on the phone and tell him there's a new lass in town I'll use you in a minute that's right so I went up to the people to

sign up for college and I was like I want to do theatre studies, English literature, all this kind of stuff. And they said the only way that we can let you come to this college is if you reset your GCSE maths. So I said, okay. Begrudgingly. I didn't know this story.

Did you not? Oh, sweetheart. No, I didn't. It didn't only way i got in the college because i had to reset my maths gcse and it was horrible it was as horrible the second time as it was the first i remember i used to do maths uh up on the top floor of i think g block and you did it you and all the recent people did it in that pink corridor downstairs in g block and i remember walking past everyone who was resitting in that pink corridor downstairs in G Block. And I remember walking past everyone who was recitting in that corridor

and it wasn't a pretty sight. It was horrible. A lot of them had moped helmets under their arms because they had mopeds outside. What do you mean? Like, you know, the Chava mopeds that people get when they're 16. Yeah.

A lot of them, there was a lot of moped drivers reciting their mops. Oh, it was sad. A lot of black tracksuits, a lot of mopeds. Yeah, and me. Yeah, Oh, it's sad. It was horrible. A lot of black tracksuits, a lot of mopeds. Yeah, and me. Yeah, and then you sitting there.

And then I left. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, still got that D, motherfuckers. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, back. Hello, Chris and Rosie. Hi.

Thought I'd share a little story with you. Please do. I had been flicking through a light-hearted book about Latin for the modern life. Sorry? This, yeah. Doesn through a light-hearted book about Latin for the modern life. Sorry?

This, yeah. Doesn't sound light-hearted at all. Wonderfully nervous. So they'd been flicking through the light-hearted book about Latin for the modern life. Great. And spotted a phrase, a futuro te ipsum.

Okay. With a translation of, have a nice day. Okay. Okay. I thought it would be fun to add it onto my email auto-signature Okay. With a translation of have a nice day. Okay. Okay. I thought it would be fun to add it onto my email auto signature and work to just break the monotony and create a bit of discussion. No, to show off.

Tell the truth. You were showing off. I love it though. Awful. Awful. I know people who would do this. Oh, yeah, yeah. I can think of one off the top of my head.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Do we have the same person? Possibly. But I love him. I love him so much. Right. But I can imagine him doing it. Right, okay.

I think I know who we're talking about. Let's do a say it after three. One, two, three. Aaron. Aaron. Yeah. Oh, my word I love him so much Ashley his wife listens to the podcast and Ashley I think you agree that Aaron

would read a book about Latin and then put it on his auto signature because he's a wonderful absolutely one of the great one of the greatest guys I've ever met but yeah 100% 100% oh yes Aaron we love you we love you

anyway okay so at the time I worked for a police force and for many months I sent out internal and external emails

including some to the chief constable and police and crime commissioner and occasionally people would ask about it and I'd explain

and there would usually be a bit of banter to and fro happy days god aim achieved damn you you boring swine i love it um or so i thought okay one day i sent a quick email to my father-in-law who is an intelligent bloke and had and had studied latin as a boy he replied to me saying he hoped my auto signature wasn't aimed at him puzzled i replied it meant have a nice day his response was that in his day to ipsum meant yourself and futuro was the vulgar term for sex. It seems for several months I'd been casually and accidentally stealthily advising my colleagues and senior members of the police force and local

government to go fuck yourself. Brilliant. Well, it serves you right for trying to show off with your stupid Latin book, you massive prick. Serves you right. Luckily, nobody had complained as I'd certainly found myself in hot water. Great. I've got a Geordie phrase for you. Go and fuck yourself. Hello, Chris and Rosie and Robin and Rafe. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap.

Hello, Chris and Rosie and Robin and Rafe. Oh. This is a long one, but something so embarrassing for me that I couldn't help but say the funny side. Okay. My wife and I love your podcast and religiously listen every week. Thank you very much. Thank you. It was lovely to hear about Rafe and to hear about your pregnancy story.

We really appreciated the honesty of it. Oh. We'd been trying for our baby for more than a year, but with no luck, and finally went to the doctors for tests. In lockdown, this was particularly difficult. It had come to the day where I had to provide my sample. Are we sample?

Sample. Sample. Sperm. Oh, right, so this is the bloke. Yes. Right. That just reminded me of something, by the way. Oh, what?

When you said sample there, because I had to work out what it was there's three things you know if it was urine it could be urine it could be you know egg sperm sperm feces i don't know yeah right you um had to do these are a few of my favorite things you had to do a poo sample for something recently didn't you some kind of poo sample no you had to do something there was a little um plastic sort of almost like a little plastic pan tiny little plastic oh that's what we the we that's to transfer the we that you we out into the bottle into the bottle yeah um you left that little wee thing i thought it was a poo thing but you left that wee thing in the downstairs bathroom of our old house

I just washed it yeah do you know the removal men packed that what do you know that's in the I opened a box the other day and that's in there

no it's not the removal men packed your little wee sample thinger do you know what was wrapped in paper when I opened it yeah where was it? Yeah.

Where was it? It was in the downstairs bathroom, in the downstairs bathroom box. I opened the other day in the new downstairs bathroom and they packed your piss thing. This is why I wanted to have a clinger out before we moved. Are you taking the make?

Someone had to touch that. He obviously didn't know what it was. He thought it was important because he wrapped it in paper so it didn't break. Oh no. Oh my God. That is so embarrassing. So there you go. He thought it was important because he wrapped it in paper so it didn't break. Oh no. Oh my god. That is so embarrassing. So there you go.

Oh, there was canister. And you saw there was all sorts in that downstairs cupboard. Them poor buggers. Yep. Just so you know. So carry on. Sorry lads. It was clean. I had washed it. Great. Just with hand soap. Great. So anyway, he's had to go and provide his sample. I could either book

in beforehand to provide it at the hospital, or if I could keep the sample warm for 45 minutes, I could produce it at home. I opted for the latter. Right, okay. Intense, isn't it? We never think about how intense that must be. I couldn't imagine having to go into a room in the hospital

and knowing that everyone outside that room knows I'm in that room. Could you do it? Absolutely not. No way. way no way at all i doubt many people could and i'd be like and what if i did and it was like straight away and i was like i better sit here for a few minutes so they think i'm not like inch quick super dick and think that you're not getting turned on by the hospital yeah oh no i just oh no you never think of that do you but no i know and so many people have to do it. Yeah. Nah, I would not be able to do it.

So he did it at home, so right, okay. So he's got 45 minutes. To keep it warm. And you've got to keep it warm. Yeah. What are you supposed to do? Well, do you want to... Yeah.

Listen. I've already thought of how I would do it, but continue. Okay. Tell us how you would do it. I would... Is it in one of them tubes that you're weighing? Yes. I'd put it in a coffee cup,

a keep coffee cup, with a little bit of warm water around it, around the bottle. That is a good idea. It's not what he did. Great. The morning we had to go to the hospital, it snowed.

Not helpful when you're in a rush. I did my bit, closed the pot, helpfully marked on the top with semen analysis in red ink, and put it in my armpit to keep it warm. Awful. Just awful. Just under his arm, like someone's dad going to the toilet with a paper.

With a paper inside of his armpit. I saw my mate in the street. Hello, Dave! I waved my semen into the drain it went pillock then as we tried to drive away the car fishtailed

in the snow and we couldn't move oh my god my wife was driving her car I'm not insured on it great so I got

sorry you're just not insured and you've also got spunk under your arm so you're not going to be you're not going to be doing any three point turns like you know the impulse advert

with the cart lifter. So I got out to push. Scared that... Spunk under his arm! Yeah. I put my shoulder against the car, pushed and heard a crack and spunk ran down the inside of my arm.

Well, are you going to listen? Sorry. Scared that moving the pot from my armpit to give it to my wife would make it unviable, I kept it there. I struggled to move the car until a helpful neighbour offered help to push. To my horror, it was only then that the pot started to slip out of my armpit. Oh my God. I panicked as i imagined it falling in

onto the floor and me having to explain why i was casually carrying around a pot of my own spunk i was just thinking if he did drop it no one would really know what it was but he's written in red on the top semen analysis thankfully it managed to stay put just long enough whilst we got the car moving and I quickly jumped in thanking the neighbour for their help. When I got to the hospital I went to the analysis lab to provide this and was greeted by a young man who was very clearly embarrassed about another man giving him a pot of his finest. Of his finest. I filled out the paperwork and then it came to retrieving the sample pot

from the warmth of my armpit. As I pulled it out, it was very clear that the lid had been dislodged. Oh no. I looked on in horror and saw that there was nothing in the pot. Oh no way. I tried to explain to the lab tech

but he was avoiding eye contact and just trying to get the pot and the paperwork and have this situation end I mean he needs a new job

I know that's his full job his full job is to take semen samples he can't even do it like he's absolutely

in the wrong job what if he was just covering for someone's break oh god yeah he don't be just the poo he can't get gets it on this. He's like, deal with shit all day, but honestly, sperm makes us want to be sick.

I handed the package over and asked where the bathroom was. Sure enough, when I looked in the mirror at my T-shirt, there was a wet stain under my arm that absolutely was not sweat. No way, dude. I had a cumpet. Great! Definitely not to be confused with a crumpet.

Fuck! Suffice to say, I had to try and explain this to my wife whilst feeling a level of embarrassment I've never felt before. she was wonderful and just told me we could take the test again later in truth the only way i managed to get my head around it on the drive home was to imagine you guys talking about it on the podcast oh well there we go thankfully the story has a happy ending and we didn't need to take another test as my wife is now pregnant. Yes.

I never did hear back about the test results. Oh, wow. And it said, can we keep the names out of this, please? As it's still the first trimester and not everyone knows. So best of luck, guys. Best of luck. Congratulations. Wonderful.

Lovely little happy ending to a story then. Very good. Very good. Cump it. Hurry up. Cump it. Fantastic work. Fantastic work. Outro of episode

110, take 2. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagbound Annoyed, which is now part of the ACAST Creative Network. We've got there in the end. It recorded and there it is. Happy days, guys. As always, thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for writing in. If you want to get in touch, it recorded and there it is happy days guys as always thank you so much for listening thank you so much for writing and if you want to get in touch at shagbound annoyed at gmail.com and we'll be back in your ears next week we'll love you bye-bye and can i just say i

actually had more fun this time did you than the last one it was a lot less hateful yes but i've got a funny feeling that they would have more i think they would have enjoyed the hateful one a bit more but i've enjoyed this one more as well there we go bye rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play.

Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at TorontoRock.com.