Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 111. Total (lack of) Recall

Episode Date: April 9, 2021

It's ba*tard cold so Rosie's recording in her dressing gown. Belinda Beef is back with her best greeting yet and Rosie inadvertently makes a mystery out of a movie. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?

Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagmar and Noid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey. Yay!

Hello. Hello. Welcome back. Welcome back indeed. How are you? Me? You, yes, you. Do you know what? Nobody's asked us for a while, actually.

Really? I'm all right. I'm all right. You're in a dressing gown, I can point out to the listener. I am in my dressing gown, yes. Yes. I'm really cold. A little bit cold in this room. The weather has just gone.

Do you know what, guys? Do you know how he's having a shit time? Have a sprinkling of just some fucking snow when it's not Christmas. The weather's gone. What's that? You're allowed outside? Turn it down to minus two, fellas. Mother fuckers.

Honestly, how quickly can the government get the weather forecast? Like, how far in advance do they know? Don't know. They knew. You think they knew? Of course they did. Look, it's going to be minus two. Let the pricks meet each other outside.

They're going to meet outside. Go on. Watch you don't break your teeth on that frozen Easter egg, you twat. Oh, sorry, is your red wine a bit cunt? It's not room temperature, is it? There's condensation on that glass. Goodness me. Twat.

Twat. Brilliant. Hey, guys, I hope you're all all right out there. Hope you had a nice Easter. Everyone who said happy Easter to people, get in the fucking seat. Not a thing. Stupid.

However, hope you had a lovely time just, you know, know being outside seeing people hope it felt a little bit normal again for you hope you're all coping okay in this episode 111 make a wish one one yes oh my i was gonna say that and i thought you were gonna take the piss i was taking the piss insane great insane make a wish i've made one so whatever do you know dear listener do you know sometimes rosie will sit and stare at her phone from nine minutes past 11 just so she sees 11 11 she'll sit there catatonic just stare at her phone from nine minutes past 11, just so she sees 11.11. She'll sit there, catatonic, just staring at her phone. And then just see 11.11 and go, thaw it.

I'm like, yeah, yeah, yeah, you did. Yeah, yeah. That's like driving. Had to wait for it. That's like driving to a specific part of town where you know there's two drains in a row and walking over the two drains and going, mine, mine, good luck.

And then jumping back in your car and going home. Fucking weirdo. I'd do it right now, I'm not going to lie. Oh, well, we all need a bit of good luck. It is episode 111. Without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. A little bit topical,

a little bit controversial this week's sponsor. I'm a bit scared. This week's sponsor is... There's too many people in the park. Fucking go home then. Just go home. Just get off Instagram and go home. But look at all the people

in the park you're one of them you're one of the people in the park that's this week's sponsor okay sick of it I'm absolutely sick of it

get off yeah put your phone away go home I am sick of that as well I am there was no social distance you were there as well

yeah you were part of the problem. Yeah. So either moan about it or move. You can't have it both ways. You can't have it both ways. Okay. Well, I saw a quote once,

which I thought helped me a lot with stuff like that. It was, you're not in traffic. You are the traffic. You are the traffic. You're not stuck in traffic. You are the traffic. You're part of the traffic. You are the traffic. You're part of the traffic. Yeah. So, yeah. So, you know, enjoy the park, everyone, but if it's

full, go home. Guys, I think it's going to be a passive-aggressive one this week. Do you know what will cheer us up? A nice little bloody jingle. Yeah. How about our jingle? Go on, then. Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle.

So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Maradonoid. Happy Easter! No, no, no, no. We were in someone's garden on Easter Sunday, with a few other people.

Six, just six. And one of the lads said to us, he went, obviously because we've moved away now, we've moved into the countryside, we're back in South Shields. And he went, oh, did you pop your mams? He literally went, did you pop your mums for an egg and that, for the bane? And I went, an egg?

And he went, yeah, an Easter egg. And I went, oh, and I'd forgot it was Easter. I thought he'd literally, what a strange thing to ask. Did you pop your mums for an egg? I thought he meant an egg. Did you pop your mums for the fried egg for the bane? I don't even want to get started because i'll just

get i'm in a quite a good mood but i just it's another it's another thing i just want to go to people are you religious no then what are you it's not oh but i love chocolate so i'm stuck i'm stuck in a really hard position exactly i'm catholic and i love chocolate so i should really i should i should be mrs easter i don't think anyone listening look people if you've been listening for quite a while you will know that um you know we are pretty shit we like birthdays and we like christmas and everything else we're quite miserable on the front of everything else we're quite bar humbug on almost everything else i blame my parents uh probably yeah yeah and i just do you know what it

is hand on heart I think I might be a bit jealous when I see Easter morning on Instagram was fucking revolting over the Easter

I couldn't go on I was it was just and annoyingly there was no UFC on Saturday so if there's a UFC fight on Saturday

because of Easter I don't know they're all just full of eggs no one can make weight I don't know if there was anything to do with that

but because when I watch you when I have to avoid a ufc event and avoid the results i don't go on instagram but there wasn't one this weekend so i was on instagram and it was just i think i'm a bit jealous of how like just organized and amazing some people it was like easter table you're saying jealous but i just think it makes people feel bad especially as a parent right it just it's another thing to feel guilty about not doing right but i can tell you right now listeners i don't feel guilty right okay i didn't put an easter table on i didn't do an easter egg hunt you know he got an egg off a couple of people he got a couple of chocolate eggs he was buzzing he's made rice

crispy cakes a day and you know what he's still a spoiled brat so you're just missing out one of the occasions and i just feel like i just don't know i just think it's too much i think kids just get too much there's too many occasions in my day i've got an orange in me stocking oh i know but it's i just feel like it's just another thing for parents to feel guilty about if they don't do. On the flip side, we have had a terrible, terrible, terrible year. Terrible year. And if everyone wanted to enjoy a little bit of Easter, as I've tried to tell myself, in the garden,

if you want to enjoy a bit of Easter, get some people around, make a bit of an occasion. You normally wouldn't. Put fucking seven layers on because it's bastard freezing. Well, I'm glad you enjoyed yourselves. Well, I get that. I'll give that. And as well, I can kind of understand.

You know Instagram, how you say, and it's full of it. There is a lot of people,. Well, I get that. I'll give that. And as well, I can kind of understand, you know, Instagram, how you're saying it's full of it. There is a lot of people, you know, like myself, content creators who've seen it as an opportunity to create a big content. Yeah, I suppose because you just run out of shit

to put on there. Because there's fuck all else to talk about. So they're like, you know what, let's make Easter happen. I feel the same about this podcast. There you go.

There's just nothing going on. So I kind of get that. But if you're listening and this is just my little cry to normality here and solidarity. if you're listening and this is my just my little cry to normality here and solidarity if you're listening and you felt a bit terrible don't worry because those people were putting them things on instagram because like myself you want to keep it active you want to keep it alive as a parent your child would have been buzzing to be able to have chocolate at nine o'clock in the morning exactly that's all that least there is so don't worry if

you didn't do a table if you didn't spend 700 quid at B&M bargains your kids gonna love it I don't think it's possible to spend 700 quid at B&M bargains yeah I will take on the challenge can you imagine 700 quid at B&M bargains oh yeah you'd need a forklift truck you get the first floor good grief I am and if you're uh if you're sitting there thinking oh but other people's instagram looks perfect and amazing if it's anything like when rosie does anything on instagram um everything to the right and left and below and above the frame of the photo is a fucking pigsty unbelievable yeah like you can take a photo you're like look i'm doing an advert for such and such you know when you're flogging any dead horses and all you're all shite obviously and there's a photo whatever you've made or done and it's like look at this hot

instagram and then literally to the right it's a fucking war zone of pans and shit and sellotape do you know it's really hard with my advert life i like well i'd like hashtag i like life i like to make my ads quite nice and professional because i am able to do it i can do it but then sometimes the people who i'm doing them for come back and go it does it really jars with your normal life yeah because you're scumbag yeah yeah yeah i think we've discussed this before because you're a scumbag yeah you kind of make it look amazing speaking of being a scumbag oh here we go okay so what a segue you know how you mentioned that i'm in my dressing gown yeah because it's really cold yeah i haven't told you this yet but um i nearly didn't bring this dressing gown to the new house right

why i didn't think it would suit this house that's ridiculous you didn't think your dressing gown would suit the house well yeah well because we bought this lovely house it's like a period home it's beautiful it's a dream home i nearly didn't bring this dressing gown because it's so fucking weird i just didn't think i was like i can't wear i thought i would wear like you know like a silk kimono listen you can buy as many nice houses as you want right you'll still be a piece of shit with dinner medals all over yourself yeah odd socks on yeah pajama pants tucked into the socks shuffling around in your slippers right breath like a dog's arse don't you worry about it never change

never change brackets brackets maybe a bit I'm really really proud to say that the dressing gown is here

and it's not going anywhere and honestly it fits right in brilliant right in breath like a dog's a dog it's because we haven't got any floss we have run out of

floss we've run out of floss so don't honestly guys don't come round to disgusting me every minute

like good job we're in lockdown honestly so on the subject of the internet and stuff you

do you want to tell the dear listeners Rosie what you got offered last night on Instagram through your Instagram, which was just... Oh, and the message... Oh, right, yes.

Oh, we're talking about this. Yeah, do it. Right. So, I got sent a message last night from a company. Don't name the company. Don't slag them off. No, it's a European company. It's not UK-based. Right. I got asked if I would like to turn some of my uh breast milk cool into a piece of jewelry fantastic that you can wear around your neck right whatever so um one how you've got no breast milk

i'm dry as a nun's chuff got no breast milk left i just can i just say just just to interject here i just love that a few minutes ago on the podcast, you said, I love chocolate and I'm religious. Literally a couple minutes later, you used the phrase, dry as a nun's chuff.

Pick a side. Pick a side. We're allowed to slag off our own. Ridiculous. That's the rules of Catholicism. Jesus. Right. If you said it,

that wouldn't be allowed, but I am allowed to say it because I, let's not unbelievable let's not let's not get into that so from the pictures I'm guessing

it's like a bit of a mould I've got a mould downstairs that you can put icing sugar in right okay to make

like fondant icing to make a little whatever like a flower or something so they send you that and I'm guessing you squeeze your titus in

lovely and then you must add a bit of glue or something flower or something, yeah. So they send you that, and I'm guessing you squeeze your titus in. Lovely. And then you must add a bit of glue or something, right? Right, add something, like solidify it. Yes, so then it turns into a bit of jewellery. They're actually quite nice. Right. Bit yellowy, not as white as you would... Depends on the formula, I suppose.

Depends what time of the day. Yeah, really? I don't know. Chris, does it work? So you squeeze your breast milk into the mould, you put something in the mould, and then it comes out almost like a hard plastic, and then you whack a necklace on it,

and you've got that. That's a lovely necklace. Is that a pearl? No, no, it's solidified breast milk, because I am a maniac. Yeah. Question, quick question. Do you have the details?

Yeah. Yeah. They've offered me a code for 10% off. Brilliant. 10%? If anybody wants um oh no oh oh hang on in your initial proper proposal you would also earn 10 commission on all sales ah you're slagging off now no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no no

listen lacto lacto lasses listen up it's just a little bit strange however like i say if you can pass me on the details because i would like to do one with me spunk if that's okay right i'll just mean me spunk for me or for you just a little just for me just a little okay it's mine just a little little pendant no great i might do one with my period blood so you could have we'll have like different colors you know didn't angelina jolie used to wear a bit of a vial of his blood on her yeah that's strange and hasn't one of the i was just about to try and see a new rapper's name and i just went what's it called little nas X or something one of these you know these rappers now

who all their names sound like old hotmail addresses that you had at school for MSN which one's he

oh I don't know but one of the rappers he's released Nike shoes that have got blood in them devil Nike shoes

actual blood is that the guy is that the video where he's gyrating against the devil if I had to guess probably I haven't seen

that video though but yeah god hey he'd be all over this hey you could have you could have a full necklace of bodily fluids yeah what's that i mean watch a little bit of spunk on the on the dial let me watch what's that on my neck a bit of breast blood yeah what's that what's this in my cap a little bit frozen bit of shit on the bottom of my heart like can we all can we all just calm the fuck down i know we're all a bit bored and we're in of my hat can we all can we all just calm the fuck down I know we're all a bit bored

and we're in the house right can we stop fucking making jewellery out of all kinds of shit

crafting has gone mental this year bodily fluid crafting I've decided though just to be against the

grain of the breast milk you know jewellery I'm gonna just put a couple of holes through a bottle and wear that around my neck instead a baby's bottle a formula very good you know jewellery I'm gonna just put a couple of holes through a bottle

and wear that around my neck instead a baby's bottle a formula very good very good if you got enough

breast milk and a big enough mold do you think you can make a dildo out of breast milk yes cool

probably okay so we're getting somewhere that's horrible now I'm interested mantelpiece how far could you go

do you know what I mean honestly if you've got enough supply some people have crazy supply right how big's the mould conservatory

you could you could probably build PVC doors you could probably do a kitchen yeah yeah a full kitchen the glass could be piss

frozen piss there we go sorted we've just started a new industry I'm going to get should we edit where we slag them off

I'll get in touch with them yeah yeah yeah guys we want to go big it's time for what's your beef hello Chris oh hello Belinda

oh hello Chris are you alright sweetheart I'm banging darling yeah I'm great how are you I sweetheart? I'm banging, darling. Yeah, I'm great. How are you? I'm well, I'm well. I was just listening about the jewellery. Uh-huh.

Honestly, I'm pumping away here. If you need any. Right. Because that mantelpiece sounds bloody lovely. It does, doesn't it? I'll help you out. Don't think you can put the fire on. I'll be honest with you.

I think it's just got to be for sure do you think it would melt I feel like it would be like a mini milk in Magaluf mate oh probably smell a little bit a lot a bit you don't want to be getting that on your carpet

do you no anyway I'm always here for any ideas imagine that like I say I've been producing breast milk

since I was three. I was just such an early bloomer. That's the worst sentence I've ever heard. That's the worst sentence I've ever heard. I'd be like, congratulations. Should have. Honestly, the teachers didn't know what to do. They used to put us in a cupboard. They'd be like, she's lactating again.

Just the worst. Put her in the cupboard because it was embarrassing it was the bloody 30s don't beat you now it's three how old are you oh go on do the math go 80 no 90 80. Nope. 90. I'm not gross, am I gross? Guys, Rosie's just got a nosebleed. Jesus. Well, I know Rosie's nana was born in the 30s, so she's here.

Oh, you're working off that. I'm working off that. All right, okay. Yeah, anyway. Good. I wasn't around. Well, no, I was for in the 30s so she's here oh you're working off that so I'm working off that so yeah anyway good I wasn't around well no I was for the war

I don't know anyway listen painful if you need any breast milk I'm here gal alright I just can't

yeah I mean it was already a horrible idea the product that that company were offering but imagine someone else's breast milk imagine getting that as a present for someone I've got you a little

locker made out of my breast milk sometimes people don't have anything, Chris, and they'd probably be quite glad of it. No, no. No, actually, no, right? Horrific, isn't it? Disgusting. Anyway, I've got to go.

I'm breastfeeding the bear next door at 12. I'm asked if it didn't work like Rosie so I said yeah listen pass her here hire her on and then jobs are good not during the night though I like me kip

what a lucky little child that is fantastic oh yeah she's 90 next week she's kip that's it kip bye very good

really made my day that really made me laugh it's the best one you've done hey thank you thank you

thank you very good very good lot of surprises there lot of pullback and reveals very very good work thank you

wonderful it's almost like you live with a comedian I think you'll find out who's out of work and depressed yeah no help to anyone, to be honest. Get me back on the fucking road.

Oh, my God. I cried a little bit yesterday when we were talking about the fact that they were starting to trial comedy clubs and stuff. Aw. Didn't I? Mm-hmm. Remember? Well, I'm saying aw, but I was there.

You did, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Talking about trialling comedy clubs and stuff. The ones in Liverpool are starting trials and stuff. There's a few comics I know were mentioned on the bill and i was like and i just jealous no not just like just can't can't can't wait can't bloody wait i can't wait for our tour i can't wait for our tour because i'm so excited to do it and i can't wait for your tour because i'm so excited for you to fuck off happy days i feel the same mate feel the same i need to stop

swearing don't i i mean yeah yeah we both do but i mean it's a sign of the times it's all you've got it's all we've got i know have a good sway have a good sway bloody enjoy it hey hey there's an explicit little sign next to the podcast so if you don't like swearing hard lines what are you doing here yeah what are you doing anyway what's it for us what's it be oh there must be millions because we're living together we're stuck together we're sick of each other. Yeah. My beef with you is me and my mum were chatting the other day. And you walked in. You do this a lot. Yeah.

Okay. You walked in while we were mid-conversation. Yes. You went, what are you talking about? And I went, oh. And I was like, right, okay, I'll tell you, you nosy bastard. Yeah, yeah. So I started telling you what we were talking about.

You proceeded to go on your phone and not listen. And then when I got to the end of what I was saying, you went, what did you say? And I said, I'm not repeating myself. You came into the room, interrupted our conversation to find out what we were talking about. And then when I started telling you, you didn't listen. What is that?

What's that all about? So I was nosy, I'll be honest with you. Hands up, I totally did this. I do apologise. You do it quite a lot. Well, I was nosy. I be honest with you hands up I totally did this I do apologise you do it you do it quite a lot well I was nosy I came in

as I talk and I thought oh this sounds juicy I said what's this you started telling us what it was I thought well I'm mistaken here

this wasn't actually juicy so instead of going oh stop I don't care I just went on my phone great so so bad so bad

why would you even do that I thought I was like this sounds really good and I was like what are you talking about you're like oh you know like the curtains in the spare room oh no i'm like oh what have i

done here and i started with my phone out stop being such a nosy little shit and then if you're gonna be a nosy shit see you through okay man okay i apologize what is your bleh beef with lemmy lemois my beef with you this week is so i've been doing the shopping recently i've been popping the local shop got a new nice posh supermarket that i go to very much enjoy going around it um i get a list from you first of all it's like getting blood from a stone saying can you send can you give us a shopping list i go i go what one from the shop and you go and i go can you write a list you go i don go, I go, what do I want from the shop? And you go, and I go, can you write a list? And you go,

I don't really know because I just walk around it. Well, you can't walk around it because you're not going, I'm going. Will you please write a list? Right,

no, I'm going to stop you really quickly. Okay, because this gets my goat. You live in the same house as me. You eat the same food. You see the fridge and you see the cupboard.

I don't know where half the shit is in that kitchen. I didn't unpack that kitchen. I don't know where half the things are. I was looking for something to do. I opened the cupboard. I saw something I thought was lost. I went, oh, that's in there. That's kitchen. I didn't unpack that kitchen. I don't know where half the things are. I was looking for something today. I opened the cupboard. I saw something I thought

was lost. I went, oh, that's in there. That's interesting. I've been putting the colander in the wrong cupboard for like two weeks. I don't know what's going on down there.

They're just teething. It's carnage. Teething problems. Right, and what I'm saying is I don't know where the stuff is. I think, oh, I've got none of them.

I thought I had no kitchen roll. I could build a fucking fort from the kitchen roll I've got because I found it. I didn't know where it was, right?

So take responsibility for the fact that you've unpacked stuff and you've got that kitchen sorted the've got because I found it. I didn't know where it was, right? So take responsibility for the fact that you've unpacked stuff and you've got that kitchen sorted the way you want it and I don't know where stuff is yet. So I say to you, what do we need, right? And you write us a list. You'll text us a list. That list is shocking, right? It's shocking.

It's all over the shop. It's not in the order of the shop. It will literally say you go like salad bread apples crumpets

milk fish avocado and it's like all over the shop group the veg together group everything together group the condiments together

if you want beans and you want beans and sausages and you want a tin of sweet corn put them all next to each other because they're in the same aisle. Right. Right?

Map it out. I'm walking around like a fucking lunatic in that supermarket and think I'm a maniac. Are you done? Yeah. Do it yourself. No. Just walk around the shop and buy what we need as a family. Please.

I don't know what we need. For the love of God. You just rode veg today. I didn't know what was going on. What veg do we eat as a family? Green stuff. Purple stuff. There's only certain veg that we eat.

Right. I'll tell you now. Carrots, broccoli. Yeah. Sprouts. You wrote carrots and we already had loads of carrots. I came back,

there was already carrots there. Got too many carrots. I'm not having this argument. You're feeding the rabbits in the field. There's rabbits in the field. There is rabbits in the field. There you go then, stop lying. Right, I'm not having this argument

because I hate writing a list anyway. Right. Well, it's a nightmare. field there is rabbits in the field there you go then stop lying right I'm not having this argument because I hate writing a list anyway right well it's a nightmare so there you go I just it's because I'm thinking when I go when I'm playing in the windows

when I'm doing the list I'm thinking of meals that I'm cooking so I'm not thinking of how I'm walking around the supermarket I'm thinking of what meals I'm cooking

so then it comes to us at different times and then I haven't got time to edit it and bloody edit copy edit paste or whatever and block them all together maybe a little line in between each one so apples bananas bum bum bum fruit

let's spare line right veg spare line you know i don't like writing things on a phone you know i would much rather write it on paper yeah but you won't take a paper because i can't delete it while i'm walking around the shop can i could take a pen and cross it out or what like i'm following a little treasure map like i've got going to Orientierung in year six? Talking about, man. What year is it? Fair enough. Okay.

I'm going to walk around the shop like I'm on the Goonies. Looking for bits of paper in that. Looking for clues. Amy, you, Goonie, Goonie, Goonie, Goonie. Robin's going to love the Goonies. He's not, you know. We've said this before. He's not going to like any of the stuff we like. I don't even think he's going to like Marvel. By the time he gets to the right age, weonies, goonies. Robin's going to love the Goonies. He's not, you know. Why?

He's not going to like any of the stuff we like. I don't even think he's going to like Marvel. By the time he gets to the right age, we're going to go out, put Iron Man 1 on, and he's going, what the fuck's this? Honestly.

Oh, you think? Awful, man. I've told you, man. We've talked about this before. My dad told us loads of films that I would like, and I only like Godfather. Oh, my word. He didn't like the Gummy Bears the other day. I put that on.

Yeah. And I love the Gummy Bears. The Gummy Bears? The Gummy Bears, yeah. Do they live in a tree? Yes. Yes, I do. The Drink Purple Juice and the Bounce.

Right. Great. It's one of my favourite programmes. And he didn't like Care Bears neither. Oh, you're right. He's not going to like anything. I mean, let's not put Gummy Bears and Care Bears up there with Iron Man and any of the Marvel Universe movies.

It was a bit earlier, wasn't it? Yeah. I mean, they're an absolute mess. Yeah, true. Yeah. Anyway, he's watching Captain Underpants at the minute, which is a PG. It's really good. But, you know, it is good, but it is a PG,

and they do say a fart a lot in that. But then I'm like, you know what? Lockdown. I don't care anymore. What can you do? You could watch an 80 in the morning. I couldn't give a shit. Let's not go that crazy.

Chris, I can't. I'm past caring. It's Easter holidays. I told you, didn't I? My mum and dad used to let me watch all kinds. Well, yeah. Terminator. I watched Terminator in my first house that I lived in, and I moved out of dad used to let me watch all kinds well yeah Terminator I watched Terminator

in my first house that I lived in and I moved out of that house when I was five or six and I watched Terminator 1 I watched Terminator 1 I was very much joking you did not watch

Terminator 1 no I did know this but I didn't know you were nine or ten no I was five five or six and you watched it at 18 I went into the

I must have talked about this in the podcast I went in the kitchen and asked my mum what a motherfucker I was yeah yeah yeah I was five I didn't realise you were five I thought I must have talked about this in the podcast. Yes, you did. I went in the kitchen and asked my mum what her motherfucker was. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was five. I didn't realise you were five.

I thought you might have been about 10. Yeah, crazy. Yeah. Wow. I remember when... That should we let our children

stay at mum and dad's house. No, no, I mean, no, but for more reasons than that. I remember when... I don't know if I've said this, but Terminator 2 came out and someone brought a copied version

round to me auntie's house. And there was me, a couple of my little cousins who were even younger than me there. And me mum and me auntie. And they were like, oh, he's like, look, I've just got this Terminator 2. Will you see the effects on it? It's amazing.

And it was the bit where T-1000 comes out of the floor next to the vending machine. It's in the sort of secure unit where they're holding Sarah Connor, right? Because they think that she's losing her mind because she's talking about machines and stuff and T-1000 is the one

that's like liquid metal he can turn his hands into like knives and stuff right is he the one that shoots the empty mince pie cons the shooter looks like

an empty mince pie con we'll talk about this yeah yeah yeah so he the security guard walks up to the vendor machine and then because he stepped on the floor

where T-1000 is there like invisible T-1000 then comes up and mimics the security guard perfectly but he comes up like mercury out the floor where t-1000 is there like invisible t-1000 then comes up and mimics the security guard perfectly but he comes up like mercury out the floor right and they played this at me and he's like look at the look at the amazing like special effects right and he came out the floor and he looks at the security guard and he holds his finger up and his finger turns into like a really pointy knife and goes through the guy's eye and then they're like oh i better turn that off there's kids in the room but we saw it yeah we saw the thing go through his eye yeah i was fucking scarred for life that's not good

i think the cat ran out of the room oh my word it was proper bad no i was very much joking when i said that i would let him watch an 18 do you know um carl hutchinson friend of the podcast carl hutchinson told me that um he's a his friend and him used to watch the robocop cartoon or something on the played robocop on the mega drive one of the two so carl went to his friend oh him used to watch the RoboCop cartoon or something, or they played RoboCop on the Mega Drive, one of the two. So Carl went to his friend, oh, I've got RoboCop the movie, and he lent it to his friend, and again, there were about five or six,

and the friend went home and then came back like five minutes later and went, me mum says I can't watch this, and gave it back, and then wasn't allowed to play with him anymore. Oh! So was Carl also allowed to watch just really inappropriate films? Well, yeah, but you've seen the beginning of RoboCop. It's where he gets shot like a million times by the criminals

and thus has to become Robocop because his body's like destroyed. Terrific. Is that when he... It's absolutely awful. Does he live in a treehouse for a bit? No. What's that then? What do you mean?

Wipes his bum with a shell. What film am I thinking of? Sorry, how many... What? Are you thinking... Wipes his bum with a shell a shell yes you're referring to the three seashells or demolition man right but he doesn't live in a tree house in demolition man so who who lives in a tree house at the beginning in a family awful and he's in a tree house what

film's that who lives in a tree house there's a a man and he's found in a treehouse and he's from the future or the past. Good God. What is that? I don't know. All I'm seeing is a treehouse and an 80s family. I can only apologise to everyone. Is that Demolition Man? No! No. I don't know. What is this film? There's a film when he's frozen.

Frozen. He gets frozen. But it's not Captain America. Demolition Man. Right, well that's the film. Where's the fucking treehouse come from? There's a bit of it when there's... Oh, he might just be outside in the back on. Is he ever outside in the back on? Is he ever out in a film?

Are you asking me if in a film are they ever outside? Is there a bit where they're like, he comes back and there's a treehouse? Jesus Christ, this is painful. Anyway, it's Mac and me. I feel sick. I don't know what that is. Jesus Christ, this is painful. Anyway, it's Mac and me. I feel sick. I don't know what that is. Should I Google it? Yes.

If Google gets this, I will be so stunned. Forever young. What? Forever young. During a cryogenics test, a pilot frozen in 1939 awakes in 1992. Right, and he's in a tree mel gibson yeah so so after an extensive google session oh my gosh elijah wood's in it great he's in a treehouse brilliant so that there you go see apology please no because because i knew there was a film because i was talking about robocop which is robocop and said, is this the film where he's in a treehouse

and wipes his arse with a seashell? One, one, right? One, two different films. And two, in Demolition Man,

it's never actually revealed how the three seashells work. Very annoying. Does he not wipe his bum with it? Well, no, because he comes in, he goes,

there was no toilet paper. It's actually pretty cool to be fair. He comes in, he goes, there was no toilet paper. And they go, oh, you don't know how to use the three seashells. And they all laugh. I think it's Rob Schneider. He and they go you don't know how to use the three seashells

and they all laugh I think it's Rob Schneider he's like he doesn't know how to use the three seashells and they all start laughing but they never actually explain they never explain

and then he swears at the little swear machine on the wall and it puts loads of receipts out to fine him for swearing and he takes them to the toilet and wipes his arse

really good scene it stuck with me yeah couldn't tell you sort of couldn't tell you the rest of the film but I remember that bit

surely you would pick up one of the seashells and just scrape it off like a well that's what I thought you did yeah like a spoon yeah

I always remember little bits like that that I find funny or food I always remember food in a film there's one of the Back to the Future

where the pizza comes from the ceiling and I always think I always remember that you've done it again what it doesn't come from the ceiling at all

the salad and the fruit comes from the ceiling the pizza comes in a tiny packet the pizza comes from the ceiling at all the salad and the fruit comes from the ceiling the pizza comes in a tiny tiny packet they put in the microwave and it makes it big okay well i remember that because that's a good part but your heart remembered it that's the problem oh that's like literally you're dead and i oh and but you literally went back to the future and i'll never forget it the pizza comes from the ceiling and i always remember that pizza doesn't come the scenes the fruit red well i always remember that. Pizza doesn't come from the ceiling. It's the fruit and bread. Well, I nearly remembered that. There's pizza.

Great, there's pizza. Should we crack on? Shout out to Google. Because before Google, that frozen man in a treehouse wiping his ass with a seashell would have been four weeks of arguing. We'd have had to ring everyone we know.

Oh, I'd have lost my mind. But I think my memory's quite good for remembering that in the treehouse. Not really. It's like a shuffle but isn't that's I think my memory is quite good for remembering that in the trailers not really because I couldn't shuffle in it I can't remember

that film it's almost yeah you recount what's really irritating about you and I love you I love the bones

of you right thank you but what's really irritating that's a good film though bones well bones

what's really irritating about you is you recall a film the way other people will remember a dream they had. Do you know what I mean? Whereas most people are going to go, oh yeah, that film where this happens

and it's set in such and such and it's these actors. And you go, yeah, the horror film. They go, yeah. Where you go, and a tree happened. And then we were in a freezer and then

there was a shell and then there was Elijah Wood but he was little Lord of the Rings no not little young oh

I just can't know what you said oh well done oh I see you like at work still putting on the funnies well done

there's only one person laughing though. One person out here anyway. Elijah Wood would be laughing. He'd love that. He'd go, I was little in Lord of the Rings. Heard he's a really nice guy. Have you? I have. He was great in Forever Young. You can't remember that.

I can't remember. I didn't even know he's in it? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers

of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st,

people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. That's SunriseChallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation

Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com It's time for questions from the public.

From the public. Public. Are the government briefings still using questions from the public yes they are they're still doing it i mean i haven't watched one personally but i get tweets saying that they are so okay i think they are although glad it's catching on don't know if they have recently they might not that no who knows god knows oh well sorry that was a. I would say get in touch and let me know, but I don't really care. Guys, as always, thank you so, so much. Genuinely, I don't ever, like,

I sort of skirt over this, and I say it every week like it's a script, but I genuinely thank you from the bottom of our hearts for sending in your stories and everything that you send in. We just love it. Thank you so, so much. It's genuinely my favourite part of the whole recording.

I'm being giddy. Apologies if I've been speaking a bit too fast throughout this whole thing i've just been so excited through this recording because i know that you've got a shitload of questions and stories and dilemmas that you're just going to fire at me and i just get to sit and react to them it's part of my week and we argue over who does the questions because it's really nice to get told them it's fun to come at them blind in it so listen you enjoy this you can do it next week no i can't because when i do them as well and i have to switch screens on my computer i will lose the recording so it looks like you have to do it all the time from now on guys as always if you want to get in touch at shagmountainhawd.gmail.com

please send us whatever you like thank you in advance your beauties hi chris and rosie hello my story happened about four years ago not long after the birth of our first in brackets absolute nightmare refluxy slash colicky baby oh bless you oh it's not worse than a bit of college oh we've had it a few weeks ago and just like five six o'clock you just scream yeah colics just it's just they just go off it for no reason but then it's by seven o'clock it's just scream yeah colic's just they'd just go off it for no reason but then by seven o'clock you'd stop and I'd be like are you possessed

it's almost like the baby version if you know if you're out on like an all day session and you're like drinking all day then you get your reflux and your heartburn round about tea time

and you've got to probably switch up your drinks a bit you know stop drinking fizzy lager and move to something else it's almost that yeah I can't wait to be I can't wait to just be

drunk and in a mess. Yeah, on a session somewhere. Can it wait? Not long, not long now. Just on the subject of babies before you go into this story,

is it worth talking about my current obsession and fear with Rafe? And I did it with Robin and I'm even worse now with Rafe.

I, you know it, you'll be able to guess it. Do I? I thought it would be your beef this week. So I am constantly scared. I i heard once someone once told me that their baby got their day and night mixed up and i'm constant say there we go i live in constant fear i'm like i don't want him to sleep during the day because someone once told us that their baby got the day and night

mixed up and i was like that sounds like hell on fucking earth and you've kept that i can't stop thinking about it it was greg rutherford oh was it greg rutherford when you did time crashes with greg right and robin i was eight weeks pregnant right and i think it happened to their little boy right um and you have kept that right okay shining light ever since i even forgot who told us it but I'm that scared to the point where I'm sometimes like what does it happen it did obviously

happen with them which is you know hard work yeah it was like your baby's on night shift like oh but you'd be buzzing

during the day because you're like the baby's still I can get loads of stuff done this is great I'm hammering through Netflix and then at night

you're like the baby's like come on and then you get no sleep. Oh. My in-laws, who were very late 70s at the time, are the sweetest,

kindest people you could meet. Okay. My mother-in-law would not say boo to a goose. We are, well. A bit weird if she would, but fair enough. We are really close to them and my husband is very protective of them.

Okay. That's sweet. As I hope Robin and Rafe are to us. Okay. When they don't ever listen to this them. Okay. That's sweet. As I hope Robin and Rafe are to us. Okay. When they don't ever listen to this podcast. Okay. Because they'll disown us. Yes.

Yeah. So one night, we got a phone call from my mother-in-law, who was quite worried. She said that for a while now, his dad kept getting a bruise mark on his forehead. It was there every night, but gone in the morning. Right. I mean, what a way to really, really make something so morose so ridiculous. A small benign tuna. What's wrong with you? What's wrong with you? Apologies to everyone out there.

I'm so sorry. Honestly. I'm so sorry. So he's got a small benign tuna. Yes. On his brain. Okay. They decided not to mess about

and took him up to A&E department at about 9pm fair enough this also happened to be the same night that our baby had his first vaccinations and she was horrendous right so I really could have done with him being home

but obviously my father-in-law's health came first of course so but I mean she had to get that into the email so she obviously was raging like the burns had her jabs how dare you and you're naffing off how dare you go to the hospital about your own health when i need you as child only a tuna yeah stop it

over seven hours later after acg tests blood tests and being seen by different medical professionals they returned home with no explanation for it. They were baffled. A few days later, we received another phone call from my mother-in-law. Her and my father-in-law had been out for coffee in the local coffee shop and the mark had appeared on his head again. He went to the men's room and came back out and it had gone. Right. To my mother-in-law's horror, she realised that the label inside his woolly hat had been rubbing on his head and leaving an inky mark.

She was absolutely devastated that she had wasted so much of thes's time and had my husband up through the night and had everyone sick with worry for what turned out to be a muggy head sorry is that is this some kind of working class middle class divide do you not like the first thing the first thing i see on my skin i'll lick my finger and try and rub it off my immediate thing is that's a mark or probably somebody else would do it yeah If I said to my mum, Mum, you've seen this bruise? She would probably touch it. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Or, I don't know what this mark is, rub it. Rub it immediately. They have like... Really weird. They've been terrified and not wanted to touch it. Yeah. Fair enough. That's fantastic.

What label? Did he write his name on the label on his hat? And did they write it in the wrong kind of pen and it was rubbing off? I feel like that's what's happened here. No, I don't know. It must just be an inky... The ink... He might have what's happened here. No, I don't know. It must just be the ink. He might have a really sweaty forehead.

Right, okay. You know what I mean? Wow, brilliant. Oily tuna is very oily. Stop it. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Yes, I like it when my name's first.

Thank you. Hello. Great. When I was 19, I started seeing a guy who was 38. Right. That's literally double your age. Yeah. It's legal, but it's a bit, it's not great, is it?

Well, each to their own, but yeah, strange. Yeah. Despite the age gap, we really hit it off and things became serious. Oh, that's good. Good for you. Intros to the parents, et cetera, who were less than happy at this older man in my life, but they went with it. God, yeah.

I mean, depending on when you had your kids, they're going to be, yeah, they're going to be a similar age to you. Oof, okay. Yeah. Yeah. After a year and a half together, we celebrated his 40th birthday

with all my family spoiling him and me booking us our first holiday together to Turkey. Sorry, I just, I'm 34 and I could not ever go out with a 19-year-old. No, this is the thing. I'd be devastated. It takes a certain kind of man or woman to go out with somebody younger. I could never go out with a 19-year-old bloke. But do you not think it changes as you get older?

What do you mean? So this is my take on relationships with big age gaps right if you are older than 25 or 30 and you go out with somebody older i think that's all right okay does that make sense because you're already like an adult because you're already a fully established adult so if you're 30 and you're going out with a 70 year old bloke right right fair enough um and vice versa right but it's when it's when it's lower so she's 19 right okay so she's yeah so she's like at the level of hardly had any life experience yeah i know what you mean yeah i mean i just i just couldn't i couldn't i couldn't imagine how irritating it would be to go out with a 19-year-old. I'm sorry. I'm not tarring all 19-year-olds with the same brush there,

but as a 34-year-old man, absolutely fuck that. I find it hard to hold a conversation with a 19-year-old. I have been a 19-year-old girl. Yeah, we're a nightmare. Great. We're an absolute nightmare. And if you did meet a 19-year-old girl and you were 35 or whatever, she would be pretending to be somebody else.

Ah, okay. Pretend to be somebody else. Ah, okay. Pretend to be older. Yeah. Because we're dicks. We're allowed to slag off 19-year-old people because we've been a 19-year-old person. Yeah. And we're dicks.

Great time. I was a total dickhead at that time. Great time of my life. Total dickhead, yeah. Utter dickhead. Didn't give a shit. Didn't give a shit. Anyway, so he's turned 40.

Mm-hmm. And it's been his birthday and she's spoiled him and took him on a holiday to Turkey. Happy days. All sounds great, doesn't it? Anyway. Oh, great.

Standing in Glasgow airport the morning we flew out, he handed me his passport to hold while he nipped to the toilet. I decided to stick our boarding passes in the photo page, obviously to keep the place for going through to departures. Yeah, how's he doing? Standard. When I opened his, I slide the boarding pass in, but not before clocking his date of birth. Shut up. Or more, his year of birth. Not only was he not 40,

turns out we could add nine years onto that and he was actually 49 No way A year younger than my mum Wow Sneaky old little bastard What was he having that 40th birthday for? Imagine, just imagine pretending that you're happy 40th.

That is a lie going far too far. That's amazing. Yeah. Wow. So he's actually near out of 50. Yeah, he's 49. Wow. What a twat.

That's incredible. In shock, I didn't say a word. Wow. Not on the four-hour flight or the two hours transferred at our hotel. Brilliant. It was only when we got into the apartment and he said you're quiet feeling tired that I exploded

tired? no not tired I'm fucking raging how could you lie to me about your age I saw your wee passport stop it from Glasgow now at this point you would expect him to beg for forgiveness grovel even but no his response was that's not my real passport Glasgow. Now, at this point, you would expect him to beg for forgiveness. Grovel, even. But no.

His response was, that's not my real passport. What? Dumbfounded, my only response was, really, what are you going to say next? You fucking James Bond? I just want to put this out there. I think she's shown her immaturity, yeah.

Think she's shown her ageaturity yeah I think she's shown her age I just love the idea look age is just a number it doesn't matter but you fucking lied about it though but do you know what's funny about that so she'll be thinking you'd think you're James Bond

think you're Daniel Craig and he'll be thinking you mean P.S. Brosnan you mean Sean Connery Daniel who Before he could answer I left the apartment In a rage

And to get my head Around what had happened However I forgot I was in Turkey In July And it was 40 degrees No sunscreen No money for water

Just me In shorts and a bikini Walking for three hours Brilliant By the time I got back To the apartment I not back to the apartment, I not only had to face James Bond, but I'd also given myself sunstroke.

Wow. So I spent the next 14 hours spewing and feeling like the end was near. Oh, poor Alan. What a holiday. After the 14 hours, though, and having covered my sunburn in Greek yogurt, I felt better.

I ignored my other half for the remainder of the holiday, but actually ended up making friends with a group of people who couldn't believe my story and were nice enough to let me stay in their apartment for the remainder of the week. I'm not making friends with that fucking nutter round the pool. Can you imagine that nutter coming up, sunburned as fuck, Greek yoghurt all over her? Alright, you'll not believe. Are you on your own?

No, I came with a block. Oh, can you imagine that? Oh, yeah. He said he was 38. He's actually, he's only fucking 49, like. Can you imagine that? I'm seething. Horrible, horrible.

And they let her stay in their apartment? They let her. She's a child. Wow. It would probably be us. Do you know, it would be us And that 19 year old lass Would come over And I'd go

Eee Petter You're alright Sorry no There's no There's no straight 19 year old Staying in our apartment On holiday You can get that right

Out of your head now That's bad Bad news If she was by herself Nah no chance No parents in that No chance No chance

Stop going No go to your own apartment That you got the money for What are you doing No chance Oh fair enough It would be a bit weird Really weird Really weird Hello 19 year old with a very suspicious backstory and an old man

looking at the old man who sits on the balcony staring at you all day sucking a word that's original with a little fucking hanky a little hanky tied on his head he's ancient man he's nearly dead he's 49 on that passport we don't know how old he is man he's like Paul Rudd, no age Paul Rudd never ages it's actually his birthday today I think he was trending, wow isn't that funny just imagine him, string vest

little handkerchief tied in four knots on his head playing dominoes playing dominoes with himself on the balcony just looking at her while she's partying with everyone else with a pipe yeah yeah yeah so um and the story goes on and my brother brother came to pick up pick them up well from turkey from the airport all right okay and and i don't really get this but uh so he asked why my boyfriend wasn't getting in the car. And my response was,

you've heard of the Lion King? Well, he's the Lion Bastard. So, that's what she said. She had two weeks to come up with that. And that's the best she came up with. Two weeks, you had love. Where's the Lion King? That's come from nowhere.

You've heard of the Lion King? He's the Lion Bastard. That's... Because Lion... Yeah, but where's the Lion King come from nowhere well you've heard of the lion king he's the lion bastard that's where that's the lion like lion yeah but where's the lion king come from why you can't just

you can't just pull that out of nowhere that's got no relevance that's got no relevance to the conversation well that anyway she left him at the airport

good for you sister and that was 18 years ago and I have never laid eyes on him since she says and she says so ladies my advice always check their passport again but we had worst such weird advice all right love yeah yeah do you want a drink can i have a look at your passport

sorry can i just check your passport just how old are you it's a shame we haven't got daughters because that would be my first advice. Right, okay. Have you done the bees and the birds? No, but have you told them about the passports? The bees and the birds? What's that sex the other way around? Is that doing sex backwards?

69. Birds and the bees, yeah. Oh, is it? What did I say? The bees and the birds. I don't know. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Rosie and Chris,

I have a second bum hole. It's an... It's a fucking hole. It's not very functional. Used to be about the size of a thimble, but now it's on its way out. It's on its way to closing up. Right, and that'll be through lack of use. Yeah. As a child, it was always my favourite party trick. Brilliant.

Every family party, I would get it out to show people, and every time anyone left the house, I would moon them and pull my cheeks apart. I was a massive attention seeker. Never in the world. Did either of you do any strange things as a child that you question beyond belief now or is it just me and my extra hole?

I mean, that's so weird. There's another... Right, that's a very good question. I can't think of anything massively off the top of my... I never used to like going to the toilet. What do you mean? Never used to like going for a number two. Never used to like doing it.

I would sit. I would sit on the steps and hold it in. Steps? What steps? There's a step at the front of my house. It used to be there before me mum and dad built the porch. Okay. I would sit on the step outside and not go to the toilet.

I just didn't like going to the toilet. It was weird. Ever? Don't know. Just didn't like doing it. I think it was because I thought the CIA and the FBI were looking at us through the mirror.

Do you? But, no, yeah, I used to, like, sit on the step outside and, like, hold it in. I don't know why. Oh, bless you. Never used to go. It was really strange.

Boys do that. That's a boy thing. I wish our son would. He's never off that fucking toilet. I mean, he would quite happily have the neighbours around watching him have a shit. Kicks off if you shut the door. He leaves the downstairs kitchen. You can see into the downstairs loo now.

Sorry, you said that as if we've got an upstairs kitchen. The downstairs loo we can see into the kitchen. Well, yeah, the one kitchen that we've got. The downstairs kitchen anyway press will be all over that oh I love that house with two kitchens

the 17 kitchens each one's got three dishwashers I wish I had three dishwashers he waves at me basically yeah

there's another part to this question okay which like a question a couple of weeks ago I love it when this happens yeah he waves at her basically yeah there's another part to this question okay which like a question a couple of weeks ago I love it when this happens yeah

they stick something really random on the end and it's better than the first bit yes here we go Chris they have skirted

the shit over this right okay yeah yeah right so the question ends yeah and then there's this

my family also keeps all of our recently peeled skin in a jar to show each other and i've been told that's strange but that's unrelated i've been told that's strange what why is that tagged on the end? So many questions. Right, is it the same jar? Or do you have a jar each with your names on, like some kind of competition?

Mine. Where is the skin peeled from? What do you mean? You're peeling skin off everywhere, like you're snakes. My family also keeps all of our recently peeled peeled in a jar to show each other and I've been told that's strange I've been told

I've been that I've been told that's strange like I'm not being funny if you've right you're going to life

with an extra bum hole mhm keeping skin in a jar yeah that's duck water for duck's back duck water for water's back

you're the same I no that right the bum hole thing's not their off a water's back you're the same I no that right the bum hole thing's not their fault right obviously they've owned it

they've showed everyone that's happy days I've heard it I've heard it a few times if people were two bums it's apparently a thing alright yeah I've heard it a few times

but recently peeled skin in a jar to show each other really strange so like

they have some kind of like annual bi-weekly family meeting of like get the job get the get your skins out how get your skins out what you got how much skin you got this week oh well i've been busy i haven't got as much skin oh well i've been using a lot of sanitizer look at all my skin get your skin out horrible sods how much skin do you peel where from i mean i pick a bit of dry skin off my fingers at the minute because I've been using hand sanitizer.

If you've been sunburned, you can pick skin off. Feet? It's got to be feet. It's got to be feet. I wonder if collectively, as a family, they've got some sort of skin disorder. Right. Where they just peel it all off.

Where they just peel all the skin off. The Parmesan family. Fucking pasties listen absolutely horrendous all like in a jar

in a jar I've been told that strange it sounds like it happened in passing it sounds like it's been in passing like they've gone

oh yeah sorry I've got to go I'm in my family I've shown all their skin to each other that's strange that okay cool thanks bye

I've been told it's strange one person said it was strange once yeah sort of don't know if I'm honest

don't speak to them anymore so weird love it thank you it's really weird it's really weird if you're listening

to the person who wrote that in it's really really weird and I need answers on all them questions I don't need answers for that I do I do I do

do not encourage more interaction. You've read it out. No, but you are, you're inviting a person who peels the skin off, puts it in a jar for all the family to do

show and tell. Right. I'm already forever speaking to them. I am happy to go through my life without ever meeting that person or anyone in that family.

Thank you. Okay. Right? Yeah. Jeez. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hello. My wife hates this story,

but she's given me permission to share it with you. Great. Around two years ago, when I was driving to the shop, I got a call from my future father-in-law. He told me to come immediately because Heidi had died. Heidi is my father-in-law. He told me to come immediately because Heidi had died. Heidi is my mother-in-law. Unfortunately, in my state of shock, I had misheard him because what he actually said was Hattie had died.

Hattie is our cat. Right. Right. Big, big difference in reaction here. Big difference. He thinks it's Heidi, the mother-in-law it's actually Hattie the cat right I raced home to find my girlfriend brackets now wife Susan in floods of tears under the impression that her mum had just died I then had one of the most confusing conversations of my entire life it's like a sitcom. This is amazing.

I asked how she died, and Susan said she was hit by a car. Utly shocked, I asked where she was. I shouldn't laugh. I'm not laughing at the cat dying here, guys, right? Utly shocked, I asked where she was. And Susan told me she had limped back home before dying in a bus. Ah! in a bush limped back home before dying in a bush again not laughing at the cat dying laughing at the fact that the man thinks this is a woman

my father-in-law then walked in who looked remarkably calm for someone who had just lost his wife and he was holding a bin bag i asked what this was for and he told me he was going to put the body in the bin bag. Heidi then walked in and I nearly had a heart attack. I explained how I thought she had died and we had a good laugh about it. It was a strange mix of emotions as I was very relieved to see my mother-in-law alive but sad that Hattie the cat had died. Oh, man. Can you imagine? Can you imagine thinking that the mother-in-law had died

and hearing she got hit by a car but limped home and died in a bush? Like, you just... Like, what kind of fucking feral family? She limped home. No one helped her. We just let her limp home. And then she just fell into that bush

and we just left her in the bush until she died. Good God. Very funny. Beautiful. Beautiful misunderstanding. Comedically wonderful. Thank you for that. Thank you.

Hello, Rosie and Chris. Happy Easter. Hope you're both well shut up i'm slightly ball bagged after seeing my family for the first time since christmas fantastic but some cracking stories had been shared over lunch and i thought it was only fair i shared one of them with you before i forget although i think this is going to be etched into my brain for a while wonderful that's going to start happening now isn't it yeah because everyone's starting seeing each other again we're going to come back to life and our inbox is going to be i mean it hasn't actually stopped to be fair but it's going to be yeah busy and come on up to date yes life yes anyway

my cousin is a doctor who isn't able to come home often due to working all the hours god sends bless however when we are able to get together like this weekend the stories that are told always leave the table either in fits of laughter or wanting people to throw up what they've just eaten great best kind of stories a bit like this podcast that's exactly what it sounds like this one had me pissing myself with laughter, but also raised a serious question. Okay. Recently, a man came into the hospital

with an infection in his bladder. After asking the man more about his situation, it became apparent that he was in fact a waiter that specialised in sex parties and had apparently learned how to drain his bladder with a catheter. Sorry? Sorry.

Yes. A waiter that specialised in sex parties? In sex parties. What does that mean? A waiter that specialised in sex parties? So I'm guessing the sex parties aren't... So I'm guessing the sex parties want to have a bit of catering.

Wow. At the same time. Wow. You know what I mean? That's so strange to have a bit of catering. Wow. At the same time. Wow. You know what I mean? That's so strange. Civilised sex party. Right. You can't just be getting right down to the sex.

You want to have... I suppose you can't get a normal waiter who's never done that before. You need to have somebody who knows about it. I'll tell you what, these perversions. There's a lot of admin with these perversions. They're getting fancier. Oh, God. How are they then?

What would you want to eat before you sex it up at the sex party? Something light. Parma ham? No. Melon? Melon, yeah. Melon. Fruit?

A bit of sushi. Sushi would be good. Maybe. A bit fishy. Yeah, I suppose. I don't know. Oh, God. I'm just trying to think.

Something that doesn't make... I mean, you couldn't be having... Something that doesn't make you smell. Something not messy. You couldn't be having a homemade chilli, could you? No, you're not going to have a bolognese or something. No. Salad.

Garlic bread. Chicken drumstick. No, a bit oily. Volleyball? No, a bit greasy. No. Awful. Oh, well, anyway.

I'm sure this fucking pervert can tell if he got in touch. Well, okay. So he's learned how to drain his bladder with a catheter. I mean, we did skirt over that, to be fair. That's awful. I mean, lucky bugger. Why would you want to do that? And why would you learn how to do that?

You're going to find out. Great. Can't wait. Why would someone do this, you may ask? Yes. Was this for a medical reason? No. Right.

He went on... You're going to believe this. He went on to explain that he had emptied his bladder in order to refill it via the catheter with red wine. Fuck off. Nah. No. No.

Nah. So that when he waited at parties, he could piss red wine directly into glasses or into party goers' mouths for more of a personal direct service oh my god that is the worst thing no no

that's the worst thing I've ever heard yeah that's by far the worst is it is it really are you giving that

what does that do no wonder he's got an infection so he's emptying his bladder with a catheter and then he's putting it back the worst is it is it really are you giving that what does that do to your no wonder he's got an infection so he's emptying his bladder with a catheter and then he's putting it back in like a funnel and funneling red wine

so that he can do it as a party drink pure red wine onto people yeah like a like some kind of fucked up Jesus yeah

oh like Mr. Shiraz that's horrendous and his red wine dick penis noir penis noir

penis noir shallow nerve to prick yes well done I can't think I'm not good at that game well done would you drink it no I'd kick him in the bollocks can you imagine can you imagine

going like you broke can you can you imagine going like oh you know i don't know you broke up or you you know you're newly single or you've been through something in your life that's meant you'll you'll sort of say to your perverted friend oh do you know what yes i will go to the sex party because you know you see it in a rom-com they're like oh you know i'll go to something you gotta go something out your comfort zone man come here i'll with you. You go with your mate and you're sitting there and you have an empty wine glass and the waiter comes past and goes, red wine, sir.

And you go, yes. And he puts his knob in your glass. Chris, honestly, I'd try it. No way. I would try it. No way. That's the... Oh, no.

I would try it. Red wine, sir? Red wine, sir? Yeah. Straight in your mouth or the glass? Bit of a weird question. that's the oh no I would try it red wine sir red wine sir yeah straight into your mouth or the glass bit of a weird question just straight in the glass

what you doing what you doing what you doing what dude what you doing I imagine that as an extra service once he's done

he just rubs the end of his knob around the rim of the glass and looks at you at the same time like his dribbles must be a bloody nightmare hope he doesn't wear white kegs oh oh aye The end of his knob around the rim of the glass and looks at you at the same time like... Oh, his dribbles must be a bloody nightmare.

I hope he doesn't wear white kegs. Oh, oh, aye. Oh, fucking hell. What a dirty, disgusting pervert. What if you wee yourself by accident? People would think you were bleeding out. I mean, I think that's the last of your worries. I mean, I think everyone knows.

I think everyone knows. Everyone there hasn't gone, Oh, come on, carry on. What's the crack? Nonetheless, this raised an important question at the table. If you were able to piss out a particular drink, what would it be and why?

So if you could do that without getting an infection, and you could, you know, you're sitting watching the telly, you think, I'm oh hang on i can produce me right so in this story in this world i am going to sit on my sofa in my house and piss into my own mouth but while i'm watching the time no not into a glass come on you you rosie the kitchen the kitchen's not that far away love water would i have go boring in water? I'm thinking of Bear Grylls

I'm thinking Bear Grylls You know how you normally wheeze in a snake skin And funnels it through Probably just water I'd go juice Because that's what I drink the most of If I'm going to have that ability It might as well be something that

I'll get use out of Because I was thinking Prosecco but that's the fizz yeah it's gonna sting innit just thought of another one what Coats to Bone

aww well done well done I hate that man by the way if anyone knows a waiter who pisses red wine into people's mouths if you ever meet him

give him a swift kick in the bollocks from me and then go and wipe your shoes what's he look like in your head he's annoyingly good looking in my head oh is he yeah he's annoyingly good looking oh no he looks like mr bean in mine i see mr beans are good looking well i'm ron atkinson is fantastic but he's not exactly dropped and gorgeous as Mr. Bean, is he?

But I see him as Mr. Bean and when he's doing it, he's like, hmm? Oh, yeah, he's doing that thing where he sticks his pelvis really far forward.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. There you go. Oh, God. I'm having nightmares about that. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Maradonoid,

which is now part of the ACAS Creator Network. Yes, guys, thank you so much. Genuinely, as always, the stuff you send in, amazing. Genuinely keeps it going. Thank you so much. I hope you're all right out there. Please continue to like, rate, and subscribe.

And if you missed it last week, the Shag Maradonoid live tour has been rescheduled. All the dates are on the website. All tickets will be valid for the next one. Just the ticket people are going to get in touch with you. I don't even know how it works anymore. Listen, we'll be there on stage.

You'll be there with a drink. We're going to have a merry old time. Can't wait. And it's going to be flipping class. Flipping class indeed. See you soon and we'll be back in ETS next week.

Bye. Bye. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- led by Rishikesh Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca

rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.