Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep. 112 Coal-Slaw

Episode Date: April 16, 2021

It's probably the best day of Chris's life, things are open! Meanwhile Rosie clears up coleslaw and recalls a cooking nightmare. They chat talents and come up with a segment for the live show. Plus Rosie has a new song.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my partner in crime.

With him till the day I die, Chris Ramsey. Oh, till the day you die. Unless I kill you. Unless I die first. Excellent. Hello. Hello. Hello. You excited? Yeah. I'm buzzing.

Always. It's all happening. It's all cracking on. What are you talking about? Podcast or life? Life. Oh, sorry. it's all cracking on what are you talking about podcast or life life oh sorry at time of recording I mean I'm frightened I actually have to say

at time of recording because I'm worried that we're recording this on Tuesday I'm worried that by Friday they might shut everything again don't say that stuff's opened

stuff is opened stuff is opened do you know what's funny I haven't even been to the stuff that's opened well no I went to the pub

yesterday for a very swift little one but I haven't been to to the stuff that's opened. Well, no, I went to the pub yesterday for a very swift little one. But I haven't been to the shops, but just knowing that they're open is nice. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Seeing people around. Seeing everyone. Honestly, I may have had the best day of my life yesterday.

At least the best day of the last year. Wedding days, birth of your children. Much of emotions. At least of the last year yeah probably the best and that's really bad to say because Rafe was born in the last year

I mean don't tell him that right okay but we'll talk about the day your baby is born it's not an amazing day it's pretty stressful

I didn't know you felt that way pretty tiring that's really upsetting because it's genuine that them two days have been the best days of my life

really even when Robin was born and you came home and you went in the bath and started crying and he asked us if he was happy well I was still very emotional but it was the best days of my life. Really? Uh-huh. Even when Robin was born and you came home and you went in the bath and you started crying and you asked us if he was happy? Well, I was still very emotional, but it was the happiest day of my life.

Still the happiest day of your life? That wasn't the day he was born, that was the day I came home. Ah, okay. That was a few days after. See, it's all a blur to me. Basically, well, what I'm trying to say is I'm not that happy that the children have been born. I'm just happy that I'm not pregnant anymore. Right, right. That's the difference. And we're at the bottom of it. Excellent. Yeah. Guys, thank you so much for listening still.

It is episode 112 and without further... Exactly. It's cracking on, isn't it? It will be 200 shortly. Imagine that. Oh my word. Imagine that. Imagine that. Let's make another empty promise for episode 200 and never fulfil it. You know how we said we're going to film episode 100 and then we're like, yeah, fuck that. Well, we had the bane though.

We did, we did. But let's do it for 200. No, I tell you what, let's do it for 200. No, I tell you what. Let's do it for 150. I'll film it. Let's film it. We'll see. I don't know if we're allowed. We'll see.

Why aren't we allowed? Oh, I've got bloody ads on that now. Oh, hey. Speaking of which. Sell out. Speaking of which, this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor is... Still doing this bullshit, though, aren't I? ColdSlaw.

Hey. ColdSlaw? Or is it cold slow? I don't know. I'm nearly correct with you there. Which one are you talking about? The stuff on sandwiches. Oh.

Cold slow. Cold slow. Ooh. Or is it cold slow? Well, which one's the one? No. Right. The thing on your lip is a cold sore.

So this, it's cold slow. Cold slow. And this gets me to my point. This and this gets my point this gets me my point cold slow the worst named product in the history of the world cold slow what is it it's kind of like shredded up carriage and then a bit of carrot and then side of the mix with like salad salad cream or mayonnaise or whatever you fancy and you put it on sandwiches it's actually really delicious yeah but why is it named like the most disgusting facial herpes in the world why is that i don't know can you imagine if they brought that I don't know can you imagine

if they brought it out that's really awful can you imagine if they brought it out now they're going to meet and they're like I'm going to have this thing it's like shredded up cabbage

and you put like you mix stuff with it and you put it on you put it on a sandwich and it's like moist and it's cold and it adds texture and quite a crunch

to your sandwich and it's quite healthy as long as there's not too much stress in it it's not really going to call it coleslaw why why has it got bits of calling I'm just going to call it coleslaw why

why has it got bits of calling I'm just gonna call it that for no fucking reason whatsoever right it sounds a bit like

facial herpes well yeah what I wanna do is I wanna make it sound revolting right okay I wanna go to someone do you want a ham sandwich

and they go yes and they go do you want coleslaw on it and they go no no that sounds fucking disgusting

by the way do you know what I'd rather have? Hummus. Hummus. Hummus. You've fucking changed, you. Stay here. No, I'm just saying it sounds nicer than cold slaw. Well, yeah, you're showing you're thinking of someone. You're thinking of something else, didn't you? Thinking of something else. Move to the country. You're going on about hummus. Yeah, fuck. Honestly.

Honestly. Scum with money. That's you. And me now. Get in. Cold slaw is in no way affiliated with cold slaws, which is, in fact, facial herpes. scum with money that's you so there you go get in coleslaw is in no way affiliated with cold sores which is in fact facial herpes

yeah so there you go okay do you know what else I really like what potato salad now that

now that is fucking banging I won't hear anyone listening I won't hear anything against potato salad I'll fight as a half and half

yeah so half a coleslaw I've just realised people are going to email in telling us why coleslaw is called coleslaw and it's going to be something annoying about mines've just realised people are going to email in telling us why Coleslaw's called Coleslaw and it's going to be something annoying about mines, isn't it?

It's going to be something annoying about mines. Well, it'll be like pasties. With the drop down of mine because it's got the crust on it. I wonder whether it's because you use up all the old stuff. I don't know. It's going to be something new with mines. I'm going to guess it now and it's going to be emails going, I thought you were from the North East, but you don't know it's going to be something it's going to be something new with mines I'm going to guess it now and it's going to

be emails going I thought you were from the northeast but you don't know everything about mines what do you think you are that kind of fucking bullshit email

that I get yeah great look forward to that can't wait okay here's the jingle we had a fight about the jingle jingle

we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle so this is the jingle, jingle We hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba Jingle! Hello and welcome back to Shagged, Married and Coleslaw

If you bothered your arse to listen to the introduction Chris rabbited on about Coleslaw And we have googled and found out about it it has nothing to do with mines i just that's the thing you see right so that's the thing i'm either not from the northeast at all and you're not from the northeast and we forgot our roots and we're talking about hummus or i assume everything with the word colon even though it's spelled different it's spelled different i've just realized as i said it it's not spelled cool with a it's spelled different. I've just realised, as I said, it's not spelled Cole with an A. It's spelled different. Oh, it's totally spelled like a surname.

I just think everything's about mines. Mines and ships. But you know, there was mines in other places of the country, not just the North East. I don't believe it. I think we were the forefront.

Yeah. But, you know, there was other places. We kicked off the most when Thatcher closed them. Let's put it that way. I was just about to say, I don't know if we were the forefront.

I think we just sort of banged on about it the most. Down the mine. My granddad used to work down the mines. So I've heard. So I've heard. Didn't, wasn't your mum or someone,

didn't they used to squeeze the sort of blackhead things he got on his back that were full of coal? Well, no, my mum used to do it at work. So my mum was a nurse and a lot of our time spent nursing was blokes would come in

who worked down the pits. Right. Pits mines. I think they called them the pits back in the day. I don't know. I don't know. Anyway. Wasn't the pit the whole place and then the mines were the bits inside the pit?

God knows. Anyway. We're going to get sabotaged. Anyway, she used to, for her job, blokes would come in and they would basically not be able to like lie on their backs or sit in a chair because they would have blackheads that were that sore and that thick because of all the soot would get into their pores so my mom had to like squeeze these massive blackheads out and honestly never be more jealous of someone's job yeah i'm absolutely the same i'll be all over that where was this a topless mine because it

sounds like it was a topless mine why did they not have stuff on actually they probably did take their tops a lot because it used to get very hot down there apparently if you ever went to south shield museum read all of this stuff about the pits you'd know that no honestly talk about me forgetting my roots about humus yeah where you even from do you think you'd get kicked out of south shield museum if you went in with some hummus i think they'd kick you out is it still there i don't even know if it's still there. It's still there. It's great. Oh, okay. Happy days.

Shout out to Celsius Museum. Hope you're right through all this. We miss you so much. Listen, the people are losing their minds. Come and tell them what coleslaw's named after.

Right, okay. So I'm just going to read the Google thing. Yeah. In fact, the term coleslaw originates from the Dutch expression

koesla, which means cabbage salad. Makes sense. Don't you ever say you don't learn anything on this podcast guys. I've got more.

Recipes similar to Korslo have been found and used in American homes from as early as 1770. Got you. 17 What?

1770. 1770. Was America founded? Is that not quite it? No. It was earlier. Are you having an argument with yourself?

Do you need me? Shall I just go? Do you want me to... Shall I just go and pop the kettle on? Because you want literally arguing with yourself. When did Christopher Columbus find America? Ages ago, man. I don't know.

It just seems really early, that. 1770. Right, okay. So you think America's brand new. They all left as Christopher Columbus when he said the world was round. They don't tell you the date that he actually founded it.

I don't know much about history at all. I did history at GCSE. Why are we so stupid? Why are we up in the podcast charts with some highbrow, incredible Radio 4 educational podcasts and current events and there's me and you not knowing what Coleslaw is about

and not even... I mean, it would be so easy to pause this to pretend and pause it and go when was America just go back oh yeah yeah we knew that but we've literally

just let the entire world know how fucking stupid we are I can hold my hands up and admit I am just not good with history geography

things like that I think this is stuck here wait wait wait let's fill this list out right so history bad

I got an E for history fantastic geography terrible right maths we know you shocking right Wait, wait, wait. Let's fill this list out, right? So, history, bad. I got an A for history at GCSE. Fantastic. Geography? Terrible. Right. Maths, we know you... Shocking.

Right, okay. English. Right. Mint. Right, well, you wrote a book, didn't you? I did write a book, and I got A for English at GCSE. Got you, and it was definitely an A,

because you know it was an A, because you're good with letters. I am, honestly. So you saw it, straight away you went, that's an A. I went, that's an A. And they went,

make that an A+, you spotted that A straight away. Thank you, Mrs an A. I went, that's an A. And they went, make that an A plus, you spotted that A straight away. Thank you, Mrs. Jackson. Woo, I am so good at this. Science, chemistry. I got a D. God, got you. Biology.

Oh, what, across the board. Right. Also, you did one block modular science. Oh, so you just went, so you went to a lesson called science. I did do them separate, but I can't remember. Chris? No. What did I get?

I can't remember. Right, okay. C's, D's. Okay. RE, religious education. Good. What did I get? A C for that.

C, got you. Catholic. Got you. C for Catholic. Good. English, using the English again. Thank you very much. What else did I get?

French. Did you do French? Did I get a C or a D I did not do very well C I think got you got you okay

ask us more what is C in French C in French K for drama you haven't asked is drama it's not important

no but I no it's not yeah academic it's not a thing I'll go on then what I got an A in drama got you

yeah right so you can imagine the well because I'm very bad at maths I don't know

whether it's the mode or the mean so if you took my GCSE sorry hold on English is

failing her quick quick go back and do some English it's failed her if you took my

G K S E results yeah across the board

yeah I'd probably get in the middle because some were really low, some were really high. Were you trying to see if you take the average? Yes. The more that fucking mean, what you doing? Didn't we learn about that in maths? The more than the mean.

Did we? Did we? Oh no, did I? Who knows? Here's a question. What did you do here's a question what did you do for DT woodwork woodwork

and you're slagging my shelf off no I did woodwork why because I didn't I don't really want to say why right

didn't really like the teachers you didn't really like the teachers no I did I no I just didn't fancy food tech and then I didn't fancy like the teachers? No, did I? No, I just didn't fancy food tech.

And then I didn't fancy the internet one. And then I just thought... The internet one? IT. The internet one! So I just took woodwork. Okay. What did you make for your final thing? I've never asked you this.

In woodwork, what did you make for your final thing? I think I made a jewellery box. But I think I made it for me, me mum or me sister. I had to make it for somebody else. It was crap. It was so crap. What did it look like? It,

just shit. Pure shit. What did you line it with? I don't think I did. It's just like a fucking wooden shoe box. Just jewellery rattling around in it, like a maraca. Well,

when I look back, that was an absolute waste of my time, that class. Oh, God, yeah. I did graphic design. Oh, well, that would have been better. Yeah, but we had to make a shop front. So you had to make a little wooden shop front of what a shop would look like. Well, I could have made you that.

Yeah, but you had to design it, then you had to make it. It was utterly pointless. And it was really weird when I was driving along the street the other day and I looked at a shop front. Obviously, the shutters were down because of the times that we're in and i just thought yeah i remember having to design a little daft little shop but design the sign at the top and measure everything god it was pointless yeah utterly pointless i don't know why they've still got that pointless i don't i doubt they will have now i

imagine design technology now and especially graphic design is absolutely unreal like we always say though why in schools do they not just have a lesson where it's like right okay we're going to teach you how to pay your council tax bill and this is a tax return yeah all right yeah just just actual stuff that you need yeah well they could have taught you going on about last week's podcast they could have taught you how to plan out a shopping list while walking around the shop in the right order do you know what it is i think they should teach everybody that. They used to. My mum always says...

Consumer orienteering. Just plan it all out. I don't know why you're having a go at this. I'm trying to say what they should do. What does your mum always say? Back in the day, home economics used to actually be good stuff. This is how you make an apple pie for your family. Did I never tell you?

This is so weird. So this week's obviously looked at a sponsor. Thank you for paying all all the bills was uh coleslaw um i actually got the date wrong when i did home economics when i did food at dt i got the date wrong um because the teacher she was really awesome teacher actually she said oh everyone's got to bring the stuff in and like this is i think this is how much face i had in the class what had to make coleslaw that's all and i got the date wrong and i bought all the stuff in a week early she was like in two weeks time you're gonna make you got to bring it all in but i brought it in a week early and she was like okay so i had to stand at the front of the class on my own and make coleslaw oh just by myself i've just remembered

something this is why i didn't like um the food one right in year seven um we were making something and it was like this weird sort of like gratin thing with potatoes on and vegetables and stuff. And I freaked out so much about it because, as you know, I don't really listen properly. And the teacher had said, we're doing this. This is what you need. And the night before, my mom had bought all the ingredients,

and she was like, there you go. And I was like, mom, they're not ready. And she was like, what do you mean? I was like, they're not cut or nothing. And what do you mean i was like they're not cut or nothing and my mom was like well you'll do that there and i was like no no it needs to be cut so made my mom cut everything the night before and i took it in and the teacher well she told us off a little bit she was like why is all your stuff pre-cut you took it in like fucking delia smith, which has little glass ramekins of stuff. Like I was on Ready, Steady, Cook.

And yeah, and I think that's why I didn't like the... Because I love cooking. I can remember it so vividly. Oh my word. I remember being there and being so embarrassed and just stood there while everybody else was cutting stuff. And then it would be like, right, put it in the pan and then that's the only bit that I got to do

and I remember just being year 7 when you're new and you're just mortified oh devastating so it always just put us off that to be honest I remember one of the most stressful things I think I've ever experienced in my whole life was when we did pizzas in home economics

or whatever you call it when we all made pizzas carrying the pizza home after school was one of the most stressful things i think that's ever happened because everyone was just trying to hit it out me home oh i used to walk home with the bigger boys i was just walking along with this pizza obviously because everyone else because no one else gives a fuck just put it in the bag like a fucking book yeah yeah and i like walked along with it and everyone just the whole way home was just trying to hit on my hands it was horrible i think i ran i don't remember running home with sprinting do you not remember as well when you made something get it home and just like watching your mom and dad eat it like what do you think just waiting for them to see about everybody like stodgy horrible doughy pizza with like orange as fuck

grated cheddar on it it used to be disgusting like oh but bless them I think I remember they had like a slice each tell you what one thing

that's just because in my head there I sort of transported myself to the street I used to walk home walk home to go through school one of the most

embarrassing things you'll not have experienced this women don't experience this but shout out to all the men out there okay when you were walking home when you were walking home as a teenager hitting them kind of most embarrassing things, you'll not have experienced this. Women don't experience this, but shout out to all the men out there. Okay. When you were walking home, when you were walking home as a teenager,

hitting them kind of adolescent years, if you shouted of your mate, and you lost your voice, so sometimes your voice, you'd be going like, like, I don't know, like Michael would be up the road,

and you'd be like, oh, Michael! It was horrendous. Like, genuinely, I've just read it like my girl and everyone will go away these balls haven't dropped he's bought it oh it was just the most embarrassing thing in the world i honestly that must be mortifying really bad must be shout out to all the blokes out there

who had that in the middle of the yard or something oh my god coping with that must have been just the worst thing in the world well that was the thing because there was also lads in my class who I wrote about in the book did you not sense

the sarcasm there what I literally I started bleeding out my vagina when I was 13 years old oh were you being sarcastic there I was being completely sarcastic

you're whinging about your voice changing a little bit alright alright bleeding bleeding alright then right okay well did your blood

just did your blood like explode a la water's breaking in the middle of East Ave on the way home did it so everyone could see once

one girl in my science class not you came on on a bench on a little stool and in chat run out the class with blood all over her stool

and her knickers and it was I felt mortified for her right and actually there was a lovely young man I don't want to name him but he was a lovely

lovely guy and he sat next to her and do you know what he did bear in mind we were like 12 right he just pushed our stool in and just kind of sat there and i was like that's a nice nice man there nice boy anyway i always remember that yeah well okay fair enough well i don't know what i mean i was just trying i was opening my heart to you and I just got sorry but yes I can imagine your voice oh what's that problem you've got it's typical of 2020 2021 that's the world we're living now oh what's that problem right okay tell us right fucking top trumps I'll beat you with mine I just know I just sometimes like blokes don't get me wrong I know there's a lot of stuff going but we I just feel like as girls and women we just have it a bit worse all right okay which makes ours not bad in any way at all but no it doesn't it makes it still

makes it embarrassing i'm literally shouting my mate in the middle of the street and i'm screaming like a high-pitched fucking singer like sounding like frank ocean falsetto just like right over the air it It's I've been thinking about forever. Trying to shout at me mates and I'm getting wedgied and I'm getting slapped and they're hitting a pizza on me and they're calling us squeaky bollocks.

They're calling us squeaky bollocks and they're putting WD-40 in me bag, right? Because it doesn't stop me squeaking. I can't be upset because you've got blood on your fanny. Amen. Fuck you. Okay, you've made your point.

I feel sorry. Do you know what's funny? We've got two boys. I'm going to turn into, like, Mrs. Boy. And you're like, his little balls haven't dropped. If you ever say to me,

his little balls haven't dropped, I'm going to have to leave you. Why? That's the worst sentence in the world. His little balls haven't dropped. Who's ever said that? His little balls haven't dropped. Somebody will have said that.

Hey, Rosie, how are the kids? Their little balls haven't dropped. Who's ever said that? These little balls haven't dropped. Somebody will have said that. Hey Rosie, how are the kids? Their little balls haven't dropped. Honestly, I'm fuming. I've got them on that trampoline every day. What age do they drop? What does that even mean? I don't even know if they drop. I don't even know if they do drop.

It's just that boys, like teenage boys are just obsessed with that kind of crap. I was going to say before, before you're ruling them up with your horrible sarcasm and I couldn't tell. There were some lads in my class, I wrote about it in sarcasm okay there were some lads in my class i wrote about in the book there were some lads in my class who were like there were men there were fucking men and lads are awful at

each other like one in particular i'm not gonna name them but whenever the register was thinking it was like yes sir it's like ridiculous it was like fucking the h in the class. Be like, you have been held back and nobody's telling us. You've been held back 30 years. Honestly, big over here. Yes, sir! Blatantly put it on. And then whenever I said anything, it was like, made a squeaky noise.

I was like, oh, thanks, mate. But look at you. Look at you, totally formed, pubescent AF now. I've got loads of pubes now. Anyone who doesn't think I've got too many, if anything But look at you. Look at you, totally formed, pubescent AF now. I've got loads of pubes now. Anyone who doesn't think I've got too many, if anything, sick of them. Sick of them. There you go.

You all came to fruition, didn't you? Well done, mate. Well done, mate. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. So I just want to take a second to apologise to all our American listeners. Okay. I was well off.

Right, okay. Well off. How far off were you? I don't... Sorry, my call on the maths here. Okay. I was well off. Right, okay. Well off. How far off were you? I don't... Sorry, my call on the maths here. Yes. Right, okay. Let's just go well off then.

I just want to read this just really quickly. The history of the United States started with the arrival of Native Americans in North America around 15,000 BC. Wow.

Yeah. Numerous indigenous cultures formed and many disappeared in the 1500s. The arrival of christopher columbus in 1492 started the european colonization of the americans most colonies were formed after 1600 and the united states was the first nation whose most distant origins are fully recorded by the 1760s the 13 british colonies contained 2.5 million people along the Atlantic coast, east of the

Apalachian Mountains. If you've just tuned in, believe it or not, this is Shagmardanoid. Rosie's just hollering up all over Wikipedia. I just didn't want to offend anyone because, you know, I am stupid, basically. Well, so Robin's got this book, right, called Spinderella. Have you read it? Yeah, yeah, it's good. So it's about a little, called Spinderella. Have you read it? Yeah, yeah, it's good. So it's about a little spider called Spinderella.

And the reason it's called, the only reason she's really called Spinderella, it's got nothing to do with Cinderella, but she does have a, she has a hairy godmother, which is a spider. Don't give away the ending here. Which is a spider that appears when she makes a wish, right? That's all it is.

There's nothing, there's no balls or anything like that. But it's all about numbers, right? And she can't count and her and her family can't count right and as I'm reading it so Spinderella will go like when they're looking they live in a school and they go

oh how many children are in that class or whatever and the parent the mom goes loads and the brothers and sisters go lots

and she goes but why can't we count we are not far off that I read that and I'm saying to Robin I'm like dude one day you're gonna ask me for the maths homework

and I'm gonna be like loads lots I'm genuinely jealous of people who'm like, dude, one day you're going to ask me for the maths homework. And I'm going to be like, loads, lots. I'm genuinely jealous of people who know loads of stuff. My dad's like that. Your dad's really clever. My dad's really clever. Your dad's pub quiz, absolutely legend.

I just wanted to be a pop star. I didn't listen. I didn't take it in. Selfishly, I was like, I don't care. But now as I'm getting older, see, I know that now. You know that? Okay, well, close the laptop and tell us what that was oh 1600s

and she's still on the laptop see I've picked up sort of random knowledge over the years I learnt more since I started stand up since I went to uni I think

and just had conversations with people who were just cleverer than me and then since I started stand up and just done just out in life I've learnt more than that I think you come to

a certain age in life where you want to know certain age in life where you want to know yeah does that make sense yeah maybe i i actually i think some people want to know straight away i think some kids who love knowledge but just yeah me and you we're not we're podcast is called shag married annoyed that wasn't going to be us for fuck's sake i think we should give ourselves a break here because i think we're having a go at each other right i think we should just have a go at you we've got other talents haven't we yes you know what i mean you can do a rubik's cube i can do i did one this morning yeah rave loves it by the way i can yodel we seem to forget that i can yodel

we never talk we never talk about that enough that's like just imagine that scenario of like we've sort of hit a rough patch and we're looking at the bills going out and we're looking at the outgoings and we're looking at the bank statements and we're going it's not working out here we might have to downsize and sell the house and you go chris can you uh can you take a moment we seem to forget that i can yodel so buy that rolls royce oh come on come on i'm it for a while are you going to yodel in arenas when we go on tour Jesus guys

she nearly exploded with excitement there hadn't thought about yodeling at Wembley shouldn't have done that Wombley can I yodel at the show it'll only be high on a hill lived a lonely girl lay on lay on lay

I'll practice they'll join in I know what these people are like they'll join in they'll be buzzing oh well there's 30 seconds of the show written

there you go just another hour and a half to write no I meant this is all going to take up time you know that's for sure

they're yodelling can I dress in yodelling clothes oh look you're not doing costume changes you can go fuck yourself there's going to be loads of costume changes

are you kidding us guys if you want to obviously just as a little update the shows have been rescheduled for the September time all the Shag Married Annoyed shows if you haven't

had a look on there now on the website all the rescheduled shows are on there now and there's actually still a few little tickets for a couple of the arenas I think there is

because a lot of people changed them or some people couldn't go so I think there might be some tickets left I haven't actually looked well let's be honest we've rescheduled the whole thing for September people have got a couple of the arenas I think there is because a lot of people changed them or some people couldn't go so I think there might be some tickets left I haven't actually looked well let's be honest we've rescheduled the whole thing

for September people have got a lot of plans back into the year a lot of plans a lot of plans going on that is very true but to all of the guys who are still coming

we cannot wait to see you there we are so excited and I will do my best to make sure she forgets about the yodelling I can't promise anything fuck's sake

that really hurts my headphones that really hurts my headphones it's time for what's your beef what's your beef beef

what's your beef what's your beef no beefs this week no characters no no no no characters no phone line dead

is it not get reception can they not get through can they not no because I've got something else exciting coming up I can't

I can't give away all my creativity oh you did tell me earlier on you've got a new section got something yeah oh goodness me fantastic okay do you want to go first or shall i whatever we're still i mean everything's opening up now the world's you know starting to get yesterday i went to the climbing wall with robin and i went to the pub and it's starting to feel normal again yes we are still at the and I went to the pub and it's starting to feel normal again. Yes. We are still at the stage of spending so much time together. So much time together. It's horrific.

I really quickly, if you don't mind, just want to hit on something. Okay. Because we haven't really talked about it. Obviously the world is opening up and I just wanted to say on here that if you're feeling a bit anxious about it, that's absolutely fine because I think a lot of people are.

Can you blame anyone? No, I can't blame anyone. The government has told us we've got to stay in our house it's been really scary it's not normal yeah it's not normal to be told a lot away for ages and then to be going oh you know what you can go to the gym now and you go yeah you know if the first time you're getting a treadmill and you're near someone else and they're like and you're a little bit oh god that's fine that is fine but don't fucking shout at people that's my thing i think personally for us we are a team opposite of that yeah we are desperate for things to get back to normal we can't wait we just want life back and stuff like

that but i think we need we haven't had this conversation we're never now we need to go forward in the world understanding that not everybody is on our page and i think people who aren't on our page need to understand that there's other people who are ready for the world to get back to normal and i think to go forward peacefully and you know courageously we all need to understand each other is this where you announce that you are running to be prime minister because this is absolutely not worst job in the world rosie i moved i moved i moved and by the way everyone while she was doing that little speech she did do a david brent fingers locking together yeah thing which was i mean almost pointless because it's an audio medium but i did enjoy it thank you so the thing is i am a little bit stupid with other stuff but

like public speaking great got you yeah great no what is it called not public speaking like inspirational inspirational like right motivational motivational speaker that's Not public speaking. Like inspirational. Inspirational. Right. Motivational speaker. Motivational speaker. That's what I want to do. Inspirational promotion. Fuck me. Words. Just words.

I'll just keep saying the words until Chris gets it. Zip and work and spite your speaker. Motivational speaker. Rosie, stop. Okay, okay. That's what I'd like to do. Charlie, who's editing this part, could you edit around that somehow?

Nope. Nope. It's not getting edited. Everyone is not as stupid as you are. Shout out to our editors really quickly Daisy's having a couple of weeks off

with half term and Charlie's doing it today so we never mention them we never do you know what I look at our podcast pages and it's always like edited and produced

by bloody black and we don't say anything so Daisy and Charlie Daisy Knight Charlie Morell thank you thank you both very much you're awesome

now back to the beefs right yes come on let's do this do you want to go first or shall I I mean I'll happily go first or shall I? I mean, I'll happily go first.

Go. Right. My beef with you this week and for our whole entire life together. Wonderful. I hate... Hate? Hate. Loads.

Okay. I hate that you ask Siri questions. Right. And ask it to do things. First of all, it's Siri. Very annoying. Siri, whatever it's called. Really?

Yeah. Like, you'll be making some pasta and you'll just, from nowhere, you'll go, Hi, Siri. Put an alarm on for three minutes. Well, what's wrong with that? And I just find it really irritating.

What's wrong? What? I'm in touch with... Do you know what this is? This is because you're a fucking luddite and you're terrible at technology and it's because I'm in touch with technology and I'm across the board

and I can sort things out. I'm not a luddite. I'm not a luddite. I'm not a luddite. When did you pick a GCSE? The internet one. Do you mean IT? Lunatic. You've got...

Information technology. Rosie, Rosie, I looked at your phone the other day, right? I looked at your phone to look at some photos of the Bairns. Shouldn't we check my phone? You had 228 unread emails in the bottom. I was nearly sick.

Oh, that's not my... No, no. I was nearly sick no sick no they're never like that it was horrendous that was flipping peloton i nearly left you chris that was peloton what do you mean i put on instagram that i went on peloton and i put my name on i didn't realize people could follow us all right loads of fun honestly pressure pressure much people following us on bloody peloton kind of get away from people. Sick. Leave us alone. Did you flick their camera when you got off, by the way? On the little screen on the top.

There's a camera? There's a camera? Are you joking? Did you not know? Are you taking the mic? Did you flick it closed, the little shutter? Don't. On the camera.

Because they can watch you exercise. That's why they follow you. They watch you exercise. No, they don't. They do on the little camera on the top. Oh, no. Did you close the shutter on it no

you're joking you're not being sent any screen grabs or anything if you're sweating are you taking the mic yeah I'm taking the face oh my god I love that so much

oh god that's not funny oh I look so disgusting I halfway through exercising on that thing I close

I make sure it's shut I put a towel over there is there actually a camera yeah there's a no idea why I you know like on the top of a laptop there's literally a camera on the top of the screen that's gross why would anyone want that like oh I mean oh my god who's watching who's watching there's a sweaty phone it's got a physical shutter so you can physically shut it not like the top of a laptop yeah it's always shut don't worry like honestly if you followed us on Peloton I'm not going to be

interacting with you people are high-fiving us the other day I was like I just wanted to come on here getting you on that Peloton is one of the worst things I've ever had to do

why it's just awful it's just awful like it's really hard you clip yourself in oh no so this is like

this is your problem right you don't like me asking Siri stuff because I'm like in touch with technology and I'm good with things and i can do all that that's what this is you're jealous because you for the pasta you'll be like the reason i asked siri to do things with the pasta is because i'll have other stuff in my hands and i'm doing stuff and it's just dead easy i'll go start a timer bang it starts a timer you're like either doing it and getting like pasta water all over your phone off your monkey blooming meat hook claws where you've

prepared all your food i just hate it i just don't like it it's like when you watch an advert and they're like hey google do it and you're like oh just use your hand using the function that has been invented to make our life easier is bad isn't it brilliant i just don't like it well why all right well i'm annoyed at you using the inside toilet why aren't you shit outside in the outside toilet everyone used to ridiculous nah no way it's the same kind of thing but your thing is getting you on that peloton

it should have been me beef this week actually do you know what it's me beef this week my beef with you is you went to have a go on my peloton and it was

your peloton the worst thing do we have shade money is it just yours is it I think I bought it before we had shade money great I think I did

nah no you didn't no you didn't alright you went to go on our peloton yes and you were literally it was it's just you're like oh i'm gonna do that and like yeah i feel like i've like invented it you make me feel so bad about something that i know how to use you're like well how do you do this right why is this happening what's oh right how do i get this oh why is it not then you went can i just use your profile and oh no you can't use my profile it's got all of my workouts on you'll knacker it it'll be like oh for god's sake why

do you care because of course like it tells you i got it hey i got a little badge the other day because i did 50 that's it you're pathetic i did you just want to get the bloody medals 50 rides and it give us a badge if you went on for a day it'll be like all right chris what happened yesterday you were sluggish and a bit shit on this wow yeah that's see this eye that's rank you love shit like that of course I do and you know what was worse right

as you're on it you're like what you're like doing is you're like going on my stuff either breaking it or hurting yourself and then blaming me like I did it

so you clip yourself in you're on the thing and you shouted right can you remember I ran through and you had to go at us you were on it right and I was like

she's in there she's on it she's being whingy but she's being you literally went I didn't and I ran through thinking you had to go at us you were on it right and i was like she's in there she's on it she's being whinged but she's you literally went i didn't and i ran through thinking you'd like listener there was no oh i went chris you might have even said help no i'm sure you said help i did not i did not say help i came running through thinking you'd like somehow like went

like over the handlebars or something even though it's a static bike and you went can i get a drink of water and i was like you're f***ing awesome I disagree you are just so dramatic you are the most dramatic person I've ever met in my life I want to talk about dramatic

dramatic is you going on that bike I could come into a room and I could go Chris and you go what what

are you alright I go I've literally whispered your name you moron it's the way you do well I'm not being funny right listen screaming from other rooms I've done twoed your name you moron it's the way you ask for it it's the way you do well I'm not being funny right screaming from other rooms

I've done two rides I did actually enjoy them and I feel I'm going to keep on going because I did enjoy them but I do not like the clipping yourself in thing it feels very

I don't like it there's a feeling of like I can't get out of this and when the first couple of times that you try and clip yourself out you can't and I get a bit panicky

right you know what so you know what I'm going to do, right? As soon as you clip it next time, I'm going to set the fire alarm off and I'm going to write you out of the house and see how quick you get out. Well, no, because I wouldn't, would I? I'd panic. So don't do that. This bike's not working, I can't get out. I'm pedalling so fast, I'm not moving.

Oh, it's just, oh, getting you, just, when it's not your thing, you do, why is this? The same as your mum. Every time your mum goes to me, oh, Chris, that thing's not working. And I go, well, it's what you say it is. I thing you do why is this then yeah the same as your mom every time your mom goes to me oh chris that thing's not working i go it's what you see it is i know you just broke that thing you're exactly the same as your daughter you've broke it i don't know what's up with that bin but it's done now you've just smashed the lid of it because you're a fucking absolute ham-fisted maniac same as your daughter same as your daughter oh gosh windows windows they're not opening properly did you slam it too hard?

You probably did. Here's something. Period. I've got a beef with my mum. Oh. It's time for What's Your Beef With Sandra? Sandra.

What's Your Beef With Sandra? Sandra. No, this is going to sound really horrible. But, so we went to the supermarket yesterday, me and my mum, and had a little rave. And, how can I say this without sounding awful right so

I love a bargain okay I do love a bargain I'm not going to lie we've been brought up working class love a bargain. Oh aye aye everyone has a bargain I don't care how rich you are. At the minute we're doing okay financially I quite like to buy the shopping I like treating myself and getting nice things. Okay. I went shopping with my

mum yesterday and she got annoyed with me for not buying the whoopsies. She actually got a bit abusive and annoyed. And one of them, I picked up some chicken breasts, right? This is another beef. I picked up some chicken breasts and they had a day, two days lower date than the one at the back, right? And I said, oh, I'm going to get these.

She went, well, there'll be higher dates than that. I went, ma'am, we're eating them in two hours. And she went, no. She went, no, get the higher date because they just taste fresher. And I was like, okay, so I did it. But then all the way around the store, if I picked up anything full price, she like looked down on it. I can't describe it.

It was as if like, no, no. It was really strange. So we won't be going shopping again, if I'm honest. Can I just say, you just, because obviously your mum's a single household,

so she sort of lives here for some of the week because you're out of bubble up. I don't know what the fuck was on. She has done from the beginning, so I don't know what the fuck. She's in my bubble. Anyway, yeah. She's in anyway yeah what's so what's so weird with you is you were literally your mom's not here and you're like oh miss me i really do miss my mom and then your mom's here and you're like you fucking see what that bitch just did come here come here see what she's doing man i've just been away it's a fucking nightmare

man just make us buy the whoopsie stuff i hate her oh i miss her so much she's gone no can i i just want to say that again because i sound terrible she would just want she wanted me to buy the whoopsie stuff. I hate her. Oh, I miss her so much. She's gone. No, can I, I just want to say that again because I sound terrible. She would just want, she wanted me to buy the whoopsies of things that I don't actually even like. Rosy, your mum is the only person in Hexham Waitrose

who uses that whoopsie. You know her name. Oh, here she comes. Here's the whoopsie woman. We've got them all out for you, Sandra. All these other stuck up fuckers around here, they're not going to buy it.

This is Sandra. They're just going to put a little sign over it that says Sandra Stash. It's stuff that she doesn't even need. She's just like, well, well look it's got money off look at this oh god love her

just trying to treat myself we have saved so much money not eating out I was thinking about this yesterday not eating out, not going to pubs and restaurants that's why I'm going me ends I went crazy in the pub yesterday absolutely crazy when I went to that beer garden we cycled up the beer garden garden there was two lads sitting there

they knew who I was they listened to the podcast which was really cool one of them said that one of them said that I'd he went to Newcastle Uni and when he was at Newcastle Uni

I did a gig there apparently and I got him I got him to come and sit in an empty seat in the front row because I wanted the front row filled and I told him I wouldn't take the piss out of him apparently he told me this yesterday

and I spent the whole show taking the piss out of him so when I'm back on tour I don't trust as if I say sit at the front I won't take the piss out of you because I went to the front row field, and I told him I wouldn't take the piss out of him, apparently, he told me this yesterday, and I spent the whole show taking the piss out of him, so, yeah, when I'm back on tour, I don't trust as if I say, sit at the front, I won't take the piss out of you,

because I probably will. You will. Ooh, can we both take the piss out of people at the show if I don't know you do it? We can now, yeah. That's going to be exciting.

But, yeah, so, he, them two lads were dead nice, and me and Robin sat down, at the other end of the beer garden, couldn't work out what kind of chips to get,

got all the chips, because I hadn't been in the pub for ages, three cans of chips, and a pack of crisps, got them a pint pint each them lads just because i was like get them a pint whatever they're drinking and then i tipped the staff almost almost the same amount as the bill because i was just so excited all that money that was saved it's all gonna fly out i'm going back this afternoon i can't wait get in uh good luck to all the businesses opening up as well this week. We are desperate to get back there. Absolutely.

Good luck. behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night

on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com this friday you must be very careful margaret it's a girl witness the birth of evil it's no, don't.

The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. input that you keep uh firing our way we really really do appreciate it as always if you want to get in touch it's shagged married annoyed at gmail.com just send us it if it's in your head and you're thinking oh should i send them that just send it just send it go for it we love it thank you we'll keep you anonymous as well the interaction i know we say it all the time but

the interaction that you guys put towards this podcast it's just it's honestly it's mind-blowing thank you thank you thank you so i've um come up with a new little just a little jingle just a little song a little fun little song okay yeah okay it's a question as well

okay or a story so is it a kind of subsection of a question from the public the same way that let's talk about shit yes

it's exactly like that a subsection of a question from the public yeah okay so we get sent a lot of stories from doctors got you who have to retrieve

items that are stuck up people's anuses we've got so many of them yeah loads loads of them

ironically we've got stories like that coming out our arse yeah basically yeah so I just I miss singing as you know

so I've decided to write a little song and I just really hope you like it I hope everyone listening likes it on behalf of everyone listening I can't wait

okay I've done the I got it off YouTube on my phone so I haven't got me so we're expecting more top notch sound quality is what you're saying

I hope so will it be tinniness I don't know don't make us laugh because I don't want you to miss any of it should have known what you're married into

don't make us laugh I think this is right here we go this is called search for the items inside your house don't make us laugh I already love it

don't make us laugh I'm going to have to just cover my face right there's an introduction don't make us laugh right here we go sometimes Don't make us laugh. Right. Here we go. Sometimes people get really bored. Sex life is stale and such a chore.

It's a shame. All through night, you're taught that shit comes out your ass Jesus! Don't put your fingers up there No, no Such a shame Good God But some folks

Okay, yes, mostly men Don't take their mom's advice away. And that's why the NHS is overrun with boardbrokes looking for some fun. They've got to search for the items inside themselves. Search for the lampshades they hide. Lampshades! Search for the items inside yourself. Stop wasting your doctor's time. Wow.

There we go. That was very good. Wonderful. I'm proud of you that was excellent i really enjoyed that i'm so glad disclaimer i don't think that's exactly why the nhs is overrun i don't think it's specifically with people i mean it's gotta be a big portion of it the thing is when the nhs is overrun as it is always going in with something you've showed up your ass must be you know oh you're kidding us yeah we've got two broken legs but at the same time i have to say devil's avocado here i bet you keeps morale high i bet it does i bet you keeps morale high gives them something to talk yeah so you know they're doing a service would you like to hear a lovely story

absolutely if you moved on to something that wasn't about summing up someone's arse after that, I think I'd smash this office up. Get in. Okay. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hello. Please keep me anonymous. I think from the subject line, it's obvious why. Okay. Everyone who has worked in healthcare will have a ridiculous story of a foreign body in an orifice it shouldn't be in. And mine happened in my very first job as a doctor when i'd only been qualified for about three months got you i think sorry to interrupt you but a lot of these that we

get it's always i was new and i think it's like a you know how builders get the apprentices to lift the yeah lift the sandbag over their head and they cut it with the standing knife or with a cement bag i think this is what happens i think it's like right someone's got right get that intern get the new person in now get the student doctor now yep got something up their arse right come on where's what's her face she's just started great so there you go i was working in general surgery and this particular week i was on the on-call team i came in on the monday morning and there was a new patient on the emergency theatre list who would come in overnight with foreign body in rectum. Fantastic. He'd pitched up to A&E in the middle of the night,

complaining of rectal bleeding, and on further questioning revealed he'd put something up his backside. The foreign body turned out to be a condom filled with plaster of paris shut the oh no the stuff you get in craft shops to make models with hey what a what a blast from the past plaster of paris never i haven't heard about it for ages yeah you used to get tg and allen's remember tg and allen's and king street so i never bought it and teach it where we live in shields there's a street main street for anyone not from where we're from called king street which used to be a very vibrant shopping street even before like before covid times hit that kind of thing and it did have an amazing shop called tng allen which my

mom always said was expensive but i'm just wanting to know here rosie because we had a very similar childhood right i'm going to ask you a question and I think you did exactly the same thing as me. As soon as you said plaster of Paris, Teen J. Allen popped into my head, because they did have lots of arts and crafts, right? Yes. Now, the plaster of Paris was in sort of plastic, it was in like a plastic packaging.

It almost looked like a giant, oversized novelty chocolate bar, the packaging that it was kind of in. Did you used to go in and just squeeze it? All the time. There we go, sort of that. Poked it, squeezed it, everything. I never bought it, but I went in and squeezed it. All the time.

That's amazing. Did it with everything. As soon as you said TGL, I knew you were going to do that. I bet it was a thing that all kids in our town did, just going to your mum's, oh, your mum's looking in the clothes shop next door, right? We'll just go to TGL and squeeze the plaster of Paris. Poke all the stuff, yeah door right we'll just go to Tijal and squeeze the plaster of Paris yeah

do you think maybe one day Rosie you squeezed the plaster of Paris and just after maybe I squeezed it and it was like we held hands oh my gosh

maybe maybe you never know we could have you know stole some of the same pick and mix from walruts

over the road as well so he stuck some plaster of Paris up his arse in a condom so he put plaster of Paris which is essentially modeling clay

into a condom and then stuck it up his arse in a condom so he's put plaster of Paris which is essentially modeling clay into a condom and then stuck it up his arse well that sounds absolutely ridiculous because I imagine it's morphed into the shape

of his arse well yeah because it goes hard so he'd put it up there at some point in the afternoon and then it had hardened and he couldn't

get it back out phenomenal what a it happens to the best of us eventually he panicked and came to hospital great the x-ray was quite something to behold It happens to the best of us. Eventually, he panicked and came to hospital. Great.

The x-ray was quite something to behold. They took him to theatre that morning to remove it. And in the surgeon's words, we had to dilate him so much, it's amazing his bowel didn't perforate. Oh, no. What does that mean? So they've had to put so much air up his backside.

No, not air. Dilate. they've clamped his arms open oh god that's why I immediately felt sick so they've basically yeah

like but what's that got to do with his bowel you know when you're emptying your bin bag and it's a bit leaky so you need to put it into that bin bag

but it's already quite full so you get someone else to hold the bin bag really open so you can dump the bin bag in they've kind of done that. But what's that got to do

with his bowel? They said he's nearly perforated his bowel. Your bowel leads right to the end of your... Your bowel's the tunnel. Your bowel's... Like the speculum.

What? Sorry? The speculum. What's it called, man? The thing... When you get a smear test they put it in and they open you up.

Why are you asking me what the thing... When you get a smear test it's called. Like I've just been for my smear test. I don't know. It's important to go get a smear test it's called like I've just been for my smear test I don't know it's important to go

for your smear test what I'm saying is if the bowel's the tunnel then the bum wall is the entrance to the tunnel so that's probably what they say

is that how quickly it starts I am what do you think there's a reception area what do you mean you think you're going to an arsehole

and before you get there where the bowel is just like a little So I thought there was a bowel and the intestines couple of magazines little sofa

The intestines are before the bowel so they go through the intestines Food goes stomach then intestine then bowel then bowel and then it comes straight out right?

Okay Didn't know that but now that makes a lot of sense As if that wasn't stupid enough later on that day I was walking back onto the ward

where my friend another junior doctor, called me over to speak to an older couple he was talking to with a slightly smug grin on his face. They are having her life here. Do you know who this couple is? Right. Can you guess who they are? No. The mum and dad.

It's bloody mum and dad. Shut up. What are they doing? Right. They've come to check on the son who's in hospital. Brilliant. Why wouldn't you? Oh god. Eh, eh, what's happened? What's happened to our the son who's in hospital. Brilliant. Why wouldn't you? Oh, God. Eh, eh, what's happened? What's happened to our David? He's in hospital? Eh, what? Eh, eh, right, okay.

Get your coat. Do you want to make a sandwich? No, we'll get one there. Right, okay. Yeah, so here we go. Right. He told me that this couple were the parents of the man who'd been to theatre this morning

and then proudly introduced me as one of the doctors looking after your son. She'll be able to give you all the updates. Oh, no. I took the couple to the relative's room and quickly went to speak to their son and explained that his mum and dad were here and asking questions. Eh, what's the matter? Oh, my word. Should probably mention, this was a grown-ass adult man in his 40s

and his parents were a very sweet elderly couple since we can't discuss a patient's medical history without their consent i asked how much he wanted me to say and thank god he said he didn't want me to tell them what had happened this is the bit though that gets me right okay so this obviously happens i don't know anyone who shoved anything up the backside, so I can't vouch. It's a bold statement. You might, you just might not know they've done it. I might not know it.

Well, fair enough. Yeah. Hi, I'm Rosie. If you want to be friends with me, I just need you to fill out this form. And you'll notice on the form, it does say to Claire, if you put anything up your arse,

I will need to know that, or we can't be friends. Just so you know. Can't wait to have that discussion with the parents at Robin's new school. Should we have a play date? Can you fill this form out?

If my son is going to play with your son slash daughter, I need to know if you or your husband or your partner has ever had anything up their arse. That will be... Just post that part of anything up their ass that will be you can just

post that part to me post about this or you can drop it off if you see it's a school you can drop it off don't need to fill it in now but that bit there section B

very important beep a bum so you know and bodies and backside and bonding anyway right so this is the bit

that gets me so she's gone back and she's like right what do you want us to tell them right you don't want us to tell anything okay

so she has to go back to the couple now I think she's enjoying this right I went back and explained to them that their son hadn't consented to me

discussing the case so instead of saying oh he's you know he's broke his rib right she's gone back she's like i'm sorry but i can't tell you what's the matter with your son right and so i'm not being proved that was your mom dad to be like well why yeah so that's i can't work out whether he's done her a favor or he's or he's stitched up a big time i think he's made it worse well because yeah well yeah but then again she doesn't have to she doesn't have to go and

tell this poor elderly couple watch the you know watch the joy drain out of their faces when they go you know the dirty sod was done

you come in the arse now you bloody plug but why couldn't they just lie condom full of plaster of Paris put it up when it was soft and how the fuck he did that

must have been like trying to put jelly down a hose pipe but he got it up there and he kind of get it out and tell you what we opened his arse so wide

the wind blew and it sounded like the ferry was coming in just more madness but anyway yeah coffee machine's over there

your son's a fucking pervert like do you know what I mean because I thought two gellons had shut down but he's got this

plaster of Paris from somewhere however right has he you know has he made it worse because then she's got to

go home and do this whole doctor patient that's what I'm thinking why couldn't you say it because he'll tell them anyway made it worse because then she's got to go and do this whole doctor patient that's what I'm thinking why couldn't you say it because he'll tell them anyway they'll find out anyway it's his mum and dad he'll tell them what happened

or he may have been in a better line would you ever tell your parents that no probably not no I think I would say to the doctor doctor

doctor doctor I feel like a pair of kids I'm joking I'd say doctor I would not like my parents to know this can we tell them something else yeah can we say that i've got a kidney infection or something like that right yeah what yeah water infection you know what i mean because now i know what my parents are like

especially sandra she'd be like what is it what is it every day she wouldn't speak to us again if i didn't tell her what i was in hospital for she would stop speaking to us and then you would go to your mum mum look I've got to be honest with you it was a condom full of plaster of Paris

and she'd go the expensive plaster of Paris from T.G. Allen what was the date on it did you get it for the whoopsie aisle at least was it the one

that them kids had been squeezing a brand new one. Full price. You can make your own Play-Doh, Rosie. Flower water, salt. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. I've been missing Rosie's Mysteries.

So I thought, why not email in myself? I would like to stay anonymous, please. Okay. So this is sort of a Rosie's Mysteries. Okay. But I haven't done the theme tune. That's fine. No one cares about the theme tune.

I think you'll find that a lot of people care about the theme tune but I just thought this week's was a bit theme tune heavy well you can't top the one you just did I'll be honest with you thank you and plus this new podcast set up that we haven't even mentioned yet

I feel if you try and move the pop shield even slightly I feel like these mics are try and move the pop shield even slightly, I feel like these mics are going to hit the ceiling. I can't be putting the laptop on my shoulder anymore. So what I've done, guys, is I've sort of got a shelf, a really awful shelf that I've put on the wall that looks like it's about to fall off, and I've clamped two mic sort of things on. Because even we've got mic arm things,

and they're spring-mounted, and it took us a good 20 minutes to get it to stay the fucking, you know, I just feel like, I feel like if you try and move it and hold up the laptop, it's going to be a nightmare. Just really bad. I'm like hating that you're telling everyone about this,

but I'm only hating it because I've heard this about 25 times. Cool. But it's their first time. That's great. So Chris has done this thing. For having one of the biggest podcasts in the UK, we've got the shoddiest fucking setup ever.

But that's why I like it. rustic like people start podcasts and they go i'm gonna start a podcast and they do the studio first and we've got all this fucking amazing gear like 400 quid mics okay yeah no i'm saying like we like we're we're behind most people who even start podcasts like we are it's it's it's shoddy that the shelf's not even fucking level it's horrific yeah it's should be ashamed i don't even know why you're telling everyone because it's shameful embarrassed i'll put a photo on later right here we go a little bit of a backstory i am currently a district nurse but this little mystery goes back a couple of years ago got you i was a young sandwich artist working at subway i love that i love that fucking love that they call themselves

beautiful isn't it yeah that was so when that. Fucking love that they call them sandwich artists. Beautiful, innit? So when that first became apparent, that was like the thing on the comedy circuit. So many people did routines about Subway being sandwich artists. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Every comic used to talk about it. Sandwich artists. Fantastic. The day in question

was like every other day. Nothing out of the ordinary happened. I was just living my best sub life. I'm not sure when the last time you went to Subway was, but during busy periods, there would be a person assigned to each section. Yeah. My section was the salad,

which was perfect for me as I used to be quite fast and I did the perfect ratio to meat. It's the little things in life, right? It really is. I think I'd like the salad section. Right, okay. I think I'd be quite ratio to meat. It's the little things in life, right? Really is. I think I'd like the salad section. Right, okay. I think I'd be quite good at that.

Yeah, okay. So the day in question, we had a very busy lunch rush with people queuing out of the door. I'm putting the salad on two foot-long BMTs for a customer who was very polite. I even put on extra gherkins like he asked. In my eyes, the sandwich was perfect. So, imagine my surprise when this little fucker gets to the till and refuses to pay for his

sandwich as he can't possibly eat it. What? The guy on the till, let's call him Jake. Jake asks the customer, what's wrong and is there anything we can do to fix it? Would you like us to remake it? Excellent customer service, if you ask me. Yeah, well, that's what I thought there anything we can do to fix it would you like us to remake it excellent customer service if you ask me yeah well that's what i thought just redo it here is the mystery what was wrong with the sandwich what do you think's wrong oh right okay hold on hold on this is gonna be something really strange because my made of perfect sandwich right so my dad was telling me a story the other day about when he used to work in the job centers he's got some incredible stories about when he used to work in the job centers and he said he was once fixing a door he told you he was kind of the handyman for the job yeah he's the handyman so he would do basic electrics like light switches and

changing light bulbs he would do plumbing and a basic maintenance on like the electric doors and stuff like that um and he said he was once fixing a door and a lady put the phone down one of the ladies was working there i don't know what they're called but you don't want to put they sort people out with sort of interviews and stuff and she'd been on the phone called job artists job high five thank you thank you absolutely wonderful work i'm so proud of you i love you so much i'm so proud of you um look how happy you are with yourself fantastic i mean i could have said it doesn't matter yeah that was brilliant um so the the lady had said she was she was basically telling this guy on the phone that he'd um that he'd missed his appointment to

come in for his meeting and he went oh no it was on the wrong day and she went no it was on the right day i told you what the day was and he said yeah but it was an odd number i'm not leaving the house on an odd number day yeah right and i'm thinking this might be one of them things so i'm thinking it was either something she did about touching it okay or i'm thinking and this is something that actually does annoy me on Subway sometimes, I think the cut in half of the footlong wasn't exactly in the middle. Right.

That's my guess. Okay. All right, all right. Let's see. Okay. The customer tells Jake that he can't eat the sandwiches because the salad girl put her tits in it. Really?

because the salad girl put her tits in it. Okay, I was a little bit out there. I was a little bit out with that guess. He didn't want it remaking and he certainly didn't want the salad girl touching it. Wow. That's right. Tits in a sandwich. I was absolutely mortified. The shop was full. What's right. Tits in a sandwich. I was absolutely mortified.

The shop was full. What a bastard. I had no recollection of putting my tits in a sandwich. But as a short five foot three lady, I did struggle to reach the salad right in the back, which is where the gherkins lived. That's what's happened. Oh, bless all of you.

I also have quite big boobs, which is slightly inconvenient. When I leaned over to grab the gherkins, I accidentally leaned into this poor bugger sandwich and added a side of tit. It's just the gall, the gall to just stand there and go, I'm not having that because she's put her tits. She's got her bloody tits all over me sorry

wow that's oh my god oh yeah I mean I understand that she's put her t-shirt

yeah she's got that t-shirt yeah she's just touched she's greased it he didn't have to say she put her tits in it he could have said

like look she's she probably leaned into it but do you know what I tour when I'm on tour I tour with Carl Hutchinson and

he's walked out with shops on much less than that yeah well there you go yeah um it says here he never came back

never he also complained uh subway HQ great and I had to have a little footstool a little crockhead a little crockhead

to keep the tits out of everyone's foot longs. I worked there for another few years after that and I was quite often named Titsandwich, which is fair enough. Still haven't lived it down. Oh, my God. Yeah. And it says here,

what's the worst thing that's happened to you or your food when getting a takeaway slash lunch? I'm just thinking about that. I can have a foot long italian please uh chicken breast no just chicken no no would you like a bit of breast just chicken just chicken just chicken no breast just chicken oh suzy get your foot stool out he doesn't want any tit in his sony okay so good that was a question what's the worst thing so what's the worst thing that's happened to you or your food when getting a takeaway slash lunch um so to just to touch on a friend of the podcast carl hutchinson who is an absolute

lunatic for when people do anything with his food uh we were once walking around a town in the middle of the night on tour somewhere i can't remember where it was right and there was a kebab shop open it was the only thing open i was like oh we'll just go and get something from there and we went to go in and the man was sitting in the back room watching the telly with his hands behind his head leaning with his hands leaning on his head and carl we're not getting from there look at him touching his hair and then we had to leave because the guy touched his hair and just walked i've spent my life was so prepared for this pandemic so prepared if he'd i'd have been really really really terrified even more terrified of covid if he'd have got it because he is the cleanest most ridiculous clean freak and germaphobe ever if he'd got it i'd be like right this is

doesn't he not like people touching sausage rolls uh so if they don't use tongs he'll say he doesn't want it yeah in a bake as basically sometimes they do that thing where you go the sausage rolls hot and they'll put their hand in a bag and they'll touch it with a bag and then they'll go, yeah, they're warm, but then they'll go to put the sausage roll in that bag that they just had their hand in, hit the roof. It's rubbed off on me.

I've done it before. We're in Kikadi, just outside Edinburgh. I shout out to everyone in Kikadi and I did it once because when I'm with him for too long, it rubs off on us. I was like, don't put it in the bag if you've had your hand in.

And she was like, what? And I was like, oh, fuck, I'm him. I'm turning into him. But that aside he's genuinely one of the most loveliest guy in the world my best mate by a mile one of the best guys ever just likes his food clean yeah he wants um when me and him got ill on tour uh we had sickness and diarrhea for like like this mad 24-hour bug um basically we went to this lovely country pub and it had like a fire and everything and i was buzzing because little comforts like that don't really happen on tour it's always quite corporate hotels i was buzzing

about this place having a fire and our tour manager reese is a little bit posher than us and i remember that we ordered food me and carl both ordered a burger and then i remember reese was like i'll have a baked potato please and annoyed is the way he said baked potato a because they said jacket potato on the menu not baked potato but he's better than everyone um and then while i was hoeing up my ring that night and while carl was hoeing up his as well with a bit of food poisoning with both food poisoning from the burgers in my head i was just like he's fine and he with his fucking big potato i was raging um but carl come to the conclusion that the illness the food poisoning from that burger was because um the

man bringing it touched his eye is that what it was him bloody touching his eye i saw him bloody rubbing his eye it's probably rubbed his eye then rubbed all his eye gunk in our burgers yeah he just comes up with the meat no nothing to do with the meat nothing the preparation in the kitchen it just he comes up with these mad so I in all honesty

I don't know because the maddest thing that could have happened to me could be something Carl made up it could be something not but yeah maybe I gunk in a burger best answer I can give

babadoo babadoo babadoo hey Chris and Rosie firstly congrats on your new home thank you thanks very much my question for you guys comes from a short story but funny one about my little sister when my sister was three years old i managed to convince

my mom and dad to get a sausage dog i wanted a german shepherd but was told small dogs only and when we told my brother and sister the news we asked what they wanted to call the new puppy my sister stood thinking hard for a moment before piping up how about little slut okay well me and my mom just stood and looked at each other for a moment to see if we both heard her correctly before we fell about laughing. And my little sister then stood there hitting at our legs saying, it's not funny. I like the name Little Slut.

It's a nice name. Wow. We have no idea where she heard this term, but had to explain to her that she should never say it again and that it's not a nice name to call anyone. For the record, we got a little girl dash hound in the end

and her name is Billy Sausage. But is she a little slut is my question I don't know I don't know is she in that park shaking it about eh

put it on display for all the other dogs eh all I could think wanna come and give this sausage some sausage eh I'm a little

all I my mind went to do you know when you if you've got a dog and you're in the park you're like come on come on come on come on you little slut so in my mind i want now i want the i i want to see the episode of

dogs behaving badly dogs behaving brackets very badly where graham has to rock up to a house and they have to go what's the problem with the dog and they have to go honestly we'll take her to the park and she is a little slut like honestly she just invites it no matter what dog they're just all over she just she asks for it yeah yeah great well i'm gonna do some simple uh sort of uh voice commands and don't don't work with him she is a little slut she loves it loves it when you shout at her i'm telling you great show by the way brilliant show absolutely that's our that's our new family watching isn't it yeah to the point where to the point where uh before ron goes to bed he's like should we all

get together and watch the naughty dogs so good we get starstruck by such weird things like we've met like we've met prince prince um charles like i've met prince harry we've met like you know friends with celebrities but i'm always more starstruck by something like the fact that we mentioned dogs behaving badly and lucy who does our press text saying i do graham's press and we were like oh my god the guy off dogs just love it that's that's how i get more starstruck by such weird stuff no i know what you mean well the most one that i got starstruck recently which i haven't told anyone that hasn't been bought out of their brains, so I'll try and do a short version now.

Scott Bennett, shout out to Scott Bennett, comedian who does comedy from the shed. He's done a question on here before. When I packed away all my Lego and sent a photo of the boxes I'd put the Lego in, and he texts us back, because he used to be a product designer, going, I designed those boxes.

I fucking told like five people and no one gives a shit. And I was like, mate, this is the coolest thing ever. My friend designed that box. That is really cool, actually. No one cares what I was like mate this is the coolest thing ever my friend designed that box that is really cool actually no one cares what I tell them show them the photos and everything

but yeah great comic though look them up babadoo babadoo babadoo back today and as always thank you so so much for coming back

and listening to Shag Maradonoid which is now part of the Acast Creator Network yes thank you very much guys as always if you want to get in touch it's shagdmaradonoid at gmail.com thank you for giving me a little five star lightings on the apple podcast app

they've gone up they've gone up a thousand yeah no thank you very much i think we've got yeah we've got quite a few on there we really appreciate it's lovely to hear from you as well hope you're all okay everything's opening back up enjoy yourselves out there and we'll be back all over your ears all over in them outside of them in them up them around this side go on orifice in your ears we'll be back all over your ears, all over, in them, outside of them. In them, up them, round the side. Go on, orifice in your ears. We'll be back next week, guys. Love you, bye. Bye. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.

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