Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 113. How deep do you sleep?

Episode Date: April 23, 2021

On the podcast this week Rosie revives Rosie's Mysteries and it does not disappoint. The pair discuss their schedules which includes waiting in for a dishwasher and some chilly pub visits. Beefs cover some nosey behaviour and a long awaited haircut. As ever the QFTP's are brilliant - there is coffin advice, an unfortunate nosebleed situation and a virtual reality headset. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Marginoid with me Rosie Ramsey and me husband

Chris Ramsey and we're about to flap some gums flap some gums I didn't know what was going to happen there I always wait for an insult and then I like breathe in

you might have heard us breathe in going like and I'm going to say something as well but I'm just yeah so you were ready to speak

before you'd even heard what I said I've just got to I've just got to be ready just fists up just ready for whatever insults a barrage of insults that you've thought of off the cuff this week come my way but again none which is really nice there's been just none i'm loving it i don't want to swear in the first like you know 30 seconds so that's the reason so you can't

actually talk about this without swearing yeah got you okay well we avoid each other now and it's quite a good little system we've got going on. You've been fannying on in the morning yourself. I've been fannying on, just doing stuff, just messing on. You still came and told us all the shit you were doing. You can't help yourself.

I just need to be told that. That's not leaving each other alone before the podcast. You coming into my office and telling me of all the shit you've done with the Wi-Fi that honestly, Chris, couldn't give a fuck.

You asked us, don't you dare. You asked us to do it. You were like put the telly in our room. Telly can't go in our room without the wifi getting sorted out. Yeah great. Put it in. Put the wifi in. Don't come and tell us about it all. Your ma's been on the case as well about hers. Every five fucking minutes she goes tell you my room doesn't work. I can't get the internet.

I can get the internet on my phone but I can't get it on my laptop. It's because it's data Sandra. You're using the data. But then we don't need it explained. Anyway crack on. Listen I want to know listen I just want everyone to know you're so boring I want everyone to know

when I've done something right oh god I need to be rewarded and patted on the back when I've done a task

I'm so on my period and you are so oh she's on her period it's horrific on my last nerve honestly you must be on your period half of the episodes we do do you know that well that'll be right because it's once a period. It's horrific. On my last nerve. Honestly. You must be on your period half of the episodes we do.

Do you know that? Well, that'll be right because it's once a month. on it or do you on it or I've just had it and I'm still reeling. Should we re-record this because this is horrific.

No, no. Keep this in. The people need to see the real stuff. This is awful. You can't plaster over the cracks here. This is the real stuff. Well, let's start again

mid-introduction. Yes, please because if we carry on in this tone, in this vein, then this is going to be a horrible episode. Okay. So here we go. So why don't we do it again, and then we'll be nice.

Right, okay. Hello, you're listening to Shag Married and Oiled with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Fuck off, man. Right. Welcome to this week's episode of Shag Mountain Horses maybe the last guys it is episode 113

is it still unlucky for some if it's 113 or is it just 13 I think it's just 13 right okay well it's got 13 in it you never know you never know

alright then guys thank you so much for listening thank you so much for sticking with us hope you're all alright out there hey maybe you've had a haircut maybe you've been to the for sticking with us. Hope you're all all right out there.

Hey, maybe you've had a haircut. Maybe you've been in the pub. You've sat outside. Hopefully you're enjoying yourself and a bit of normality is coming

back into your life. But we are still here in your ears every Friday or whatever date as you listen to it. And without further ado, it is time for this

week's lucrative lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is trying to cut a baby's fingernails. Oh, hell on earth. Hey, hey, are you a fully grown adult? Think you Trying to cut a baby's fingernails. Oh, hell on earth. Hey, hey, are you a fully grown adult? Think you're stronger than a baby?

Think again, motherfucker. Try and clip that little bastard's nails. They will summon some incredible Hulk shit level of strength and they will keep their little twatty little hand moving the entire time. Honestly. It's like trying to arm wrestle fucking Dwayne the Rock Johnson. It's so bad.

It's outrageous. Hey, and guess what? When you do clip down, you'll hit just nail, but they'll wince. So you think they've cut their finger because they're fucking evil.

Evil. And guess what? Don't cut that shit properly. They're going to scratch their face to fuck. Exactly. Cut my baby's nails. It's a lose-lose situation.

It really is. It's horrible.-lose situation. It really is. It's horrible. But do you know what really upsets me? What? Kids with long fingernails. Yeah. Both our kids

have got long fingernails. They grow so quick. They grow so quick. And Robins are always scruffy. And Rafe's are scruffy. Don't know how. He doesn't do anything. Don't know how.

Don't know what he's been doing. Looks like he's been digging in the back garden. He's got hands like a mechanic. He literally goes, Rafe, what have you been up to there just changing the oil on the escort? Have you ever smelled them at all? No.

Oh, his hands stink. It's because he's always got them in his mouth. But what's his breath smell of? I don't know. He's never brushed his teeth. He's got no teeth. He's never brushed them. He's got none.

Should we start brushing his gums? His breath stinks. The idea of brushing gums makes us want to be sick everywhere. Just with a little flannel. Like brushes on soft gums. Oh, yeah, that's bad. Gums freak me out anyway. Why?

Even when he smiles at these little gums, I'm like, oh. Oh, no, I love a little gummy smile. You know when you do that thing where you bend your little finger and put your little finger in their mouth to see if they're hungry and they latch their like... I don't know, it's what I imagine a fucking starfish feels like if it grabs a hold of you. I hate it.

Right, okay. Just like. But that's funny, because you know when they start, when you start weaning them. And I was like, I remember when I was giving Robin food and I was like, but he's got no teeth. How's it? And I read somewhere, it was like, no, their gums are really strong. Oh, Jesus.

And they just use them like teeth. Oh, God. So they just bite with their gums. Babies are horrible, aren't they? Hey, aren't babies horrible? Oh, God. Send them back. Send it back.

Oh, don't you even. I'm joking, he's the best. Me little treasure with these little Wolverine hands. Is it? At what age? Oh, do you know how

we got a load of shit for doing his ears? Why don't we take him for a manicure and see how much shit we get for that in the press? That'll be fun. shit for doing his ears why don't we take him for a manicure and see how much shit we get for that in the press that'll be fun

oh let's do it yeah take him for a manicure they brought their 13 week old baby in and said we hate his nails cut them all off

gels I want gels on them let's do it oh Rosie this is still the intro oh fuck here's the jingle. There we go.

Yeah. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingle. Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag, Mind and Oid.

Really sorry that you had to listen to that aggressive intro. We promised we're going to be a bit better for the rest of the episode. Don't make promises you can't keep. No, do you know what it is, Chris? We have just spent so much time together recently. So much time. That it's just a bit much isn't it every argument

a little I've just noticed this over the past couple of weeks every little argument a little bit of stress that we have with each other at any crossed word always goes to like

will you always do this not will you always do that will you need to stop that will you need to stop that and we always just come to the level playing field of we've just spent too much time together yeah

well I remember just far too much do you know when we started this podcast and people were like, couple calls. How are you guys? Such a good relationship. We never saw each other.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's why it works. That's the answer. It was, wasn't it? Yeah, I was always away. You were away so much. So I used to like dream about you coming home and I'd be like,

oh, my love, he's coming home. I'm going to wait at the window for my love. And now I'm like, oh. Now i get shouted at for farting two rooms away stop it you're not even in the same room as it's i can hear it i can feel it i can sense it strictly was the happiest way i've ever been because we just never saw each other It was It was just away constantly Anyway The world's getting

back to normal It is People are out It's cracking on lovely isn't it Mint It's cracking on We went to the pub

last night We bloody did We've been to the pub both I've actually been to the pub a little bit too much I need to rein it in a bit

I was just so excited You've been nearly every day actually No not nearly every day but you know quite a bit A lot of the times Mentally I've been there every day I just check out nearly every day but you know quite a bit a lot of the times mentally I've been there

every day I sort of I just check out in the house and imagine I'm in the pub we haven't even seen inside our local pub yet I went to the toilet

oh did you toilets look nice toilets nice good good good but they'll open next month so that's all good yeah I'm looking forward

I haven't really ate any like we haven't been to a restaurant outside yet because I just I like to have warm food we live in the north I know everyone in London and down south and that really um eat any like we haven't been to a restaurant outside yet because i just i like to have warm food we live in the north i know everyone in london and down south and that enjoying your little alfresco dinners hey really well done we are just you know it's a it's an

ice cream or a salad it is ruined i've seen someone get like a mezze plate so it was like pita bread satsuki and like hummus and that and i was like that looks bread, tzatziki, and hummus and that. And I was like, that looks really nice, but it would be clay cold. It would hurt your teeth. And it wouldn't be very enjoyable, I just think, up here. So I'm going to wait until they're open and sit inside. I always sit inside. Do you know people who love sitting outside when they eat? Yeah.

And I get, like, my mum, oh, Sandra, I love sitting outside. As soon as there's any sort of sun. She had two coats on yesterday when we were outside the pub. I know, but she just likes to be outside. She's like, I'm sitting outside, I love sitting outside. As soon as there's any sort of sun. She had two coats on yesterday when we were outside the pub. I know, but she just likes to be outside. She's like, I'm sitting outside. I have a coffee. I'm like, mum, it's freezing. She's like, the sunshine.

I'm like, yeah, but it's minus two. It's that really cold sun. She just loves it. I'm just not for that life. It has to be warm. Yeah, I know what you mean. Well, I've always had a thing against sitting outside.

I used to have a stand-up routine about it. I don't think I made it in any show, but it was basically like me. Oh, hey, just do it on the podcast. No, no, I wasn't going to do it. Not good enough for one of your shows. Recycling the old... You had to get this fucking shit for free.

I've got shit in here. No, it was about... It was because whenever you look at a new house, whenever you go and look at houses, or you view a house, they always go, oh, and there's a patio, and you can sit outside and have breakfast.

And you go, fucking no one ever does that. It's either cold, it looks hot, it either looks hot, and you go outside and you's a patio and you can sit outside and have breakfast and you go fucking no one ever does that it's either cold it looks hot it either looks hot and you go outside and you're actually it's freezing or it's hot and there's wasps and flies and you go back in there's no there's no middle ground in england it's either really hot and there's wasps or it's cold i don't know when it's really hot i'm all for it nah wasps and flies oh hey kind of have it sitters in a big bubble outside big Big net. They do them now? Yeah. I'd be up for that. Well, of course they do.

See, the year we've had. Of course, every fucker will have them on. No, there's loads of restaurants and I've got these like pod things that you sit in. Ah, they'll be full of flies. Someone will have left the pod open for too long

on a hot day and there'll be loads of fucking flies in it. Like, you know, when you go on a tent when you go camping and they leave the tent open there's just loads of fucking

flies in your tent. Yeah. Same thing. Great. So, um... Lock your pods, guys tent yeah same thing great so lock your pods guys this week's advice lock your pods keep them flies out

I think them pod things are just something that you look at on Instagram and all that and you go wow that looks amazing then you imagine yourself sitting in it

and you go I bet it stinks did you not see that Flamin' Lips gig that they did they did a gig everyone was in orbs

did you not see it on stage the singer and all of the people were in. Orbs on stage. And then this whole crowd full of people. Imagine like an O2 academy. All of them in these big inflatable hamster balls.

So it was all social distanced. I mean, fucking health and safety nightmare. Fire in there. Fire in there. All in orbs. See yous all later. Yeah. I personally think they should have them bubbles anyway for most pubs.

Just nothing worse than smelling someone else's fart in a pub. Yeah. Although, are you looking forward to smelling other people's farts in the pub? Have you missed pubs that much that you want to smell a man's fart in a pub? No. In Wetherspoons?

No. Never again. No good? Oh no. Brewdog. Great chain of pubs. Sorry, big shout out to Brewdog. But last time I went in there,

it fucking stunk. It was absolutely lifting. and just groups of blokes who were just like and I just thought it stinks in here well I for one can't wait I'm gonna honestly

honestly next time I think there's one in Shepherd's Bush I'm gonna go in next time I go to London for work I'm just gonna I'm gonna go

I'm gonna go in arse level yeah but when do I get to go to Newcastle when I'm in when do I get to go out with Newcastle I'm talking London? When do I get to go out with Newcastle? I'm talking about when I'm in London working on my own

and I get a bit of fucking time to myself. Right, all right then. Get yourself a farty pants, broodogs. I am. I'm going to go in. I'm going to go in arse level on my knees and just... Welcome back.

Order a couple of scotch eggs. You can get scotch eggs, can't you? You can get scotch eggs. That's what everyone's bought. That and the eel. It's a lifting. Scotch eggs and can't you? You can get Scotch eggs. That's what everyone's farting. That and the ale. It's a lifting. Scotch eggs and ale. I might have been there just on a bad day.

On a day where there was just copious farters. Do you think Brewdog could sue us for saying that their places smell like farts? I think it would probably be a good advertisement because they do really, like you say, like yeasty beer. It's like proper hoppy ale. I think it's safe to say

you just went on a day where there was a lot of flatulent customers. Yeah. I think we'll leave it at that. It's a very cool bar. Yeah, we'll go. Listen, I'll probably go. Yeah.

It would mask my own fart. Well, that's the advantage, isn't it? All right, then. Stand next to someone who looks like a copious fart. Right. Knock a couple out and go, I'm going to have to move away from him.

He's already farting non-stop. Yeah. But it was you all along. It was me. I mean, I'll blame mine on Rafe at the minute. It's fantastic. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. So Chris and I, off mic,

have just spent a good three minutes asking each other what we've been up to, going through diaries, trying to find interesting things to tell you guys about. And we found the most interesting thing that's happening at the minute. Brace yourselves, guys.

Everyone, just watch out. Do you want a drum roll? I'd like a drumroll please yeah here we go I hope you can hear that because she's tapping very quietly on the desk

I'm scared that the mic is gonna go up into the ceiling because the mic just before this Rosie was pulling the mic stand down and it was flying

so I don't want to do right oh hang on I'll do it on my cheek ready okay that just sounds like someone wanking oh that's that was

awful okay hang on would have done okay ready That just sounds like someone wanking. That was awful. Hang on. I would have done. Okay, ready? Fucking hell. I thought you did music in that. I thought you did singing and stuff. Not like...

Christ, I don't do... What's it called? Like ASMR? What's it called? When they do the... Don't know. Oh, the manky stuff. Yeah, horrible that on YouTube.

Listen, ready? Ready? Big it up too much not gonna be worth it dishwasher's getting delivered next month yeah 7th

boom that's it that's it new dishwasher one of us will have to be in for it probably probably all day

it's an all day slot what do you mean yeah oh that how do they get away with that shit unbelievable innit honestly

unbelievable the day before your item is being delivered between 7 and 7 Yeah What are you having a laugh So it's an all day slot

At the moment Then on the morning They'll text us With a 4 hour window 4 hour window What was he You got somewhere To fucking be like

I mean I might That is But you know They'll come when you go for a walk You know That they will be At your door If you dare

Leave for a 20 minute walk Dad I'll tell you About my mate's dad the other week. No. My mate was telling us his dad got a delivery window for someone to come and do a carpet. Right. And they said, oh, we'll be there between, I think it was four and six.

Which is, two hours is all right though, at night. Yes, I know, but that's tea time. Well, the guy phoned up and went, right, yeah mate, we'll be there quarter to six. And my mate's dad went, oh no, you'll be here all night. Put the carpet down, forget it. Just put the guy phoned up and went, right, yeah mate, we'll be there quarter to six. And his dad went, oh no, you'll be here all night, put the carpet down, forget it, and just put the phone down on him. Get the phone back up and book it back in the next day.

Quarter to six, though, to come and put the carpet down. Yeah, yeah. That's too late. Well, it's the slot he was given. What they're supposed to do? Knock off at twelve, because no one fancies an afternoon slot. I mean, no one don't do slots after four o'clock. Well, but they've got to... People need their

carpets. People don't need carpets that urgently. Alright, so after a certain time at night you don't need a carpet anymore. No, listen, why are you not understanding this? I just feel... Alright, you'd be happy somebody coming to put a carpet down at quarter to six. What time does Rafe go to bed? Right. About quarter to six. It's not in Rafe's

bedroom, that's okay I know but I don't want somebody here I'm in the job that's why quarter to six Rosie we're not getting this is happening to someone else

what's the matter with you we're not getting a carpet calm down breathe why are you getting people to come to the house at quarter to six I'm not

I'm living about this this dishwasher comes late at night it's going to be hell on now there will be hell on there will be hell on do you remember when the fridge got fitted and the bloke didn't have the right things Oh, if this dishwasher comes late at night, it's going to be hell on now. There will be. Hell on. There will be hell on. Do you remember when the fridge got fitted and the bloke didn't have the right things?

He couldn't do it. I had to plumb it in myself. Put everything on the floor. It's unbelievable. He poured a... It was amazing. He poured a full massive toolbox of little washers and connectors onto the floor

and stood looking through them and there was a lady delivering it with him and she just stood there shaking her head the whole time he did it. She was livid. I looked at her and I went, is this most of your day? Him just looking for stuff in this box? She went, aye.

I told him he needs a filing system, but he won't. And he was like, I'll find it, man. We were like a married couple. It was fucking delicious. Oh, that was quite funny. It was very good. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. It's time for this mystery.

Harrowing. Harrowing. That's just... And then what happened? And then what happened? Right in that leg. Sorry, hang on. He starts crying at the end, so I had to stop. That was heroin, so that's supposed to be Rafe's Mysteries.

It's Rafe's Mysteries. Shout out to everyone who doesn't have kids, who just had to stop. That was heroin, so that's supposed to be Rafe's Mysteries. It's Rafe's Mysteries. Shout out to everyone who doesn't have kids, who just had to listen to a fucking kid crying for a bit. I didn't want to leave him out. Crikey. We've got two kids now. Can't be leaving one out. Do you know what I mean?

All right, man, but at least let him grow some teeth before he gets to graft. That's him talking. He never shuts up. He's such a little smiler. Right. Got a Rafe's Mystery. Rafe's Mystery. Fantastic race mystery rave's mystery fantastic rosie's mysteries okay i've missed rosie's mysteries yeah i just like the competitive element of it this you know the competition element i like it what are they guessing what yeah i just love it okay

i don't know if you're ever gonna get this one but we'll see okay we'll see okay somebody has wrote in i miss rosie's mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. And a couple of weeks ago, when you said you didn't have anything to read, an old strange story sprung to mind, which you might find either unbelievable or terrifying. Okay. Hopefully both. So like you, Rosie, I too worked at Ponton's

for around five years on the bars about ten years ago. Got you. I loved it there. Five years on the bars ten years years ago got you i loved it five years on the bars 10 years ago okay okay that makes sense they worked there for about five years but they were on the bars that's it 10 years because they finished on the bars five years ago because the bar staff and the um cafe and staff they lived there as well right okay so they lived on site with the with like the entertainment team and got you, got you, got you. Everyone lived together. Everyone lives there.

All the lifeguards. Yeah, it was really, I don't know why. Like a cruise ship that never moves. I loved it there. Met mad characters and have so many stories to tell.

But this is one of my faves. Okay. Good times. Taught to me by an older bloke in the local pub across the road from work. I can't take the credit,

but he told me he witnessed this firsthand. Okay, right. My alarm bells are ringing. My alarm bells are ringing here because we do now and then get trolled with something that is like an urban legend or whatever. Or something, I mean, some people have sent stuff in that was from a film or something, but if we don't know what it is, we can only react to what it is at the moment, don't we?

So, but normally my radar's up it's up twice now right okay i'm doubled up here well here we go when the guy was younger he served in the british army overseas in the middle east okay whilst off duty the lads slash soldiers would leave their compound and find somewhere in the desert to have a shin dig i thought you're gonna say shit okay they might do that as well he told me they did this pretty often but had to keep it secret from their officers so they would leave their compound and just go into the desert to have a party must do okay i don't know i don't know how it works but i don't know anyone who's worked overseas like in that capacity do you well in the military a couple of people but i've never i've never heard of that happening

but you know god i mean what else is that i do out there well exactly this one night they had gone off to enjoy themselves but one guy had a little too much fun and decided to take himself back to camp earlier than the rest oh gosh this is where the story became third hand from the guy who left the group early right his account says he tried to make it back to camp but got a little lost on the way back Right. Okay. Oh, my God. Right. Confused, he tries again. Pulls out a cigarette, places it between his lips. As he lights his lighter, the cigarette falls on the floor. Right. Miffed that last night's actions are impacting on his morning cigarette ritual,

he tries again. Cigarette out of the pocket, puts it to his lips, falls to the floor again. Right. Why couldn't this guy light a cigarette? No. His fucking lips have fell off. Has he got no lips? Is something in his lips?

Has he lost his lips? What's happened? What's happened to his lips? Loose lips sink ships. That's all I'm going to say. I don't even... I'm not even... I'm actually frightened. I don't like the way this story's being told.

Is this like a... What's the word? It's really fucking grim. It's really grim. And I played the new Resident Evil demo the other day, so I'm a little bit more shaken up than I normally am. All right, then. Well, okay.

Do you want to hear what happens? So he puts the cigarette to his lips. So he can't be in pain, but he's worse for wear, and he's fallen. So if they've fallen and he's put them there... Is it his mouth? It must be something to do with his mouth. It can't be the cigarette,

because he'd seen them when he... Oh, God, just tell us. This is horrible. Okay, here we go. So the story continues. As that third cigarette falls to the floor, he feels a tickle on the back of his neck.

He quickly reaches his hand behind his neck and knocks off what has caused the tickle. Looking at the ground was something that looked like it was from a sci-fi alien thriller movie. It was in fact a giant carnivore of the desert, a camel spider.

When he was sleeping, the spider had snuck up on him, proceeded to eat his top lip, hence why his cigarette kept falling to the floor. Fuck off. Fuck off. The bloke who told me the story said he witnessed the guy getting back to camp

without a top lip and that was the story he gave. Ah, that's not... Why is it just in his top lip just why just the top one just like bottom lips what the hell's going that's the oh too funny apparently the guy recovered with the help of plastic surgery but i'm sure he would still have nightmares of that tickle on his neck oh no no i can't no. I don't know what to think about that. Well, my, you know, when I read it, I was like, did that happen?

But I remember when I was younger and it stayed with me for my whole life. I read, I think it was Shout Magazine. And there was a story in there of somebody who had one of them like maggots or worms inside of their head. Somebody who had one of them maggots or worms inside of their head, and they had to put a bit of bacon on their head with cling film over the top to bring their worm out, and then they had to catch it. That's... Sorry.

What? So it came through the skull? No, it was stuck. So there was a hole where it had gone in, like a maggot or a worm thing, right? Right. And then they put a bit of bacon, raw bacon, on top of the head, covered it with

cling film so that it would come to the surface and then when it came to eat the bacon, somebody had to like tweezer it out and that stuck with me. Whatever. There was a picture in the magazine. There was a picture of it? Because I've heard this story discussed on podcasts in the past. No, no, no, it's true. I've seen the picture. And it got immediately dismissed as bollocks. What? But you've described

it a little bit better than that. I saw picture of it i swear i swear it might have been shout magazine what the fuck is shout magazine and why are we using it won't be a shout magazine i mean it's hardly a medical journal is it no it's hardly well it was just one of their magazines it might have been one of me nana's like chat or something or this is god what's it this is your life what the cold man that's like then once you read it the haird of me nana's like chat or something or this is oh my god what's it this is your life what the cold man that's life then once you read it the hairdresser's way

it's like oh you know I believe that yeah I believe the collective stuck 23 cream eggs up me arse yeah I believe the collective

term is happy Easter tat magazines yes bullshit magazines very interesting though right yeah

okay I don't know where I stand on that big thing their magazines are like I had an affair with my dad before I knew he was my dad. Them, that's basically what they're like.

Jesus. Is that not just a conversation you overheard in your hairdressers? No, no, them magazines, you never read one, them magazines?

Nah, yeah. Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho. Interesting. So anyway, lipless. That's crazy. Lipless,

that's so weird. So is it on Bear Grylls or is it on something else where they tell us, I'm sure Bear Grylls or is it on something else where they tell us I'm sure Bear Grylls tells a story in one of his episodes about a guy

who sleeps in the jungle and he's asleep on the hammock he's made which keeps him off the floor for all the creepy crawlies but in the night

his arm falls down on the floor have you not heard this one no I'm sure it's Bear Grylls if I've got this wrong I apologise but I'm sure it's Bear Grylls

so you know how sometimes your arm will hang out of your bed? Yeah. So his arm hangs out of the bed, and he wakes up in the morning, and there's a snake, busy, his whole arm's in the snake's mouth. Oh, no, no. It's busy, sort of digesting his hand.

No. Yeah. You'd wake up. Oh, you would wake up when someone's eating your fucking lip, would you not? No. Eh? Oh, arms, definitely.

Lips, no, no, no, no. No, I'm sorry, right? A spider eating your lip, right? Right, eating your lip. I know. Come on, man. But a snake gnawing at your arm. Well, no, it swallows the arm.

It just swallows the arm. So you feel like it's got a tight glove on or something and then it'll start. I mean, I imagine it hurts when it's... I'm not... I think it was Bear Grylls, but it might be... But I don't know, man. Listen, yeah.

I've got loads of stuff to remember at the minute i'm not being funny who are these people sleeping this deep i mean there's missing your alarm there's not here in the bed cry but then there's having your lip and your arm chewed off i mean like come on I mean I'm a deep sleeper but when some parts of me anatomy start getting eaten I will you know I'll stir

you might stir just a smidge oh yeah why do people want to do that oh look I don't know if they're true or not but you know

bloody fun to talk about but have you ever seen just while we're talking about Bear Grylls because we've never really talked about Bear Grylls much did you see the episode when he slept

inside of an animal carcass? Has he done that? Have you seen that? Are you not thinking of Empire Strikes Back? Eh? Star Wars where they do it.

They do it in Star Wars. Oh, am I? No. Am I? I was joking. Do they not? No, yeah, he cuts the thing open

with a lightsaber and sleeps inside it but yeah. No, it was Bear Grylls right okay he sleeps inside of like he's in he's either

this is going to sound ridiculous right but there's it's one of the extremes so he's either in the desert or the right

both cold both cold at night so that makes sense right okay then well anyway there's a dead animal a really big animal let's say a camel

right let's say there's a dead camel and there's a carcass and he literally animal. Let's say a camel. Right. Let's say there's a dead camel. And he sleeps inside. And there's a carcass. And he literally gets inside of the carcass. And it's honestly up there with one of the most horrific things I've ever seen. Just go home. Go home, babe.

You're not on a task. Well, he's done well. No, I know. And I think it's great. And, you know, if you have to survive, if that is where you live and you're literally, you're going to find your wife and your child because they're being kidnapped

and you have to like look come on I've got to do this what's he doing it for why is he sleeping in a carcass to show people how to do it

but why because you might you've just said you might need to go and save your wife and child he's shown you how to do it I was just using that as an example

well you shouldn't have because what you've done is you've given me evidence to back up Bear Grylls I will not have Bear Grylls slagged off no I will not have Bear Grylls slagged off. No, I won't have Bear Grylls slagged off, because I do like Bear Grylls, and I enjoy his programmes,

but I did watch that and think, bear, come on. I remember watching one where he jumps out of the helicopter, you know the ones where he just jumps out of the helicopter and he's left there, and he's in some woods somewhere, and he jumps out, and literally he takes five or six steps,

and then he's like, oh, there's some bear droppings here and he goes through the bear droppings and there's like a core of an apple in the bear droppings and he starts eating it and I think you've just got off the helicopter you can't be that clammy yet why are you eating that you might find something better

what are you doing there wasn't any food on the plane that's like the worst version of going in the first restaurant you see that's like the worst version of going in the first restaurant you see that's like the worst worst version of that straight away I was like you're just two seconds you've been there two minutes man fucking work up an appetite

first before you go sifting through a beer shift for an apple core surely that would make you ill I remember him chewing it it was disgusting he's like oh it's really sharp but he's getting the energy from it. He commits. The lad commits.

He does. You can't see he doesn't commit. Good God. I love that programme, The Island. Do you remember that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I really enjoy that.

When they wouldn't boil the water and I'd be like, you'll be ill, you'll be ill. Oh, again. Why are these people, do they watch the programme?

No, well, most of them might have done what I did. Yeah, I've seen every episode and then they're just like, oh, every time. Don't even know how to drink their own piss eat the drink the dirty flipping pond water tell you what and i'm like boil that shit but then they don't have a fire tell you and then they're all starving lose a hell of a lot of weight well they look bloody fantastic by the end of it i mean it's not a safe way to do it but hey they look absolutely

malnourished to bits it's not what I would advise but yeah you're right it's so it's grim like they're always covered in all of the and oh nah I'm out of this

I'd never do any of them I'd never do Jungle I'd never do anything like that no chance it would be it would be hey who wants to watch

Chris Ramsey cry on the telly and throw a fucking fit of little Paddy who wants to watch him throw his toys out the pram that's literally what it would be

me personally me no you sing it round the house you sing it round the house enough but then everyone would understand

yeah nah I like to keep it nah I like it because I think I'm joking because I joke about so many things on here

they go is he serious is he not maybe I'm joking maybe I'd spit my toys out the pram and say call me you shouldn't be crying maybe I wouldn't

no you wouldn't you absolutely wouldn't mysteries mysteries babadoo babadoo babadoo bah you didn't be crying, maybe I wouldn't. No, you wouldn't. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking

Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca.

This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all.

No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year.

It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. The Impeders Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play.

Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. It's time for What's Your Beef? Already? Yeah. Okay, cool. Why? Because it came quite quickly, but that's fine.

Were you not ready for that? No, no, I'm ready. I'll be ready, man. I'm ready for a fight at any moment with you. Get your fists out my face. Get them down. Honestly. Do you understand?

I just lifted my fists up like a boxer and just told us off and I got quite scared. What's your beef? Because listen, I've got three to pick from this week because you've been getting right on my you've been getting right on my dick and this week you have not literally

not literally just on your just figuratively right right what's your beef do you want to go first or should I go

no you go first then I can pick the severity between one two and three or do you know what if I particularly dislike your beef I'm going to hit you

with all three in a row. Great. I cannot wait to listen to certain parts of this when we are in that divorce court. Honestly, dream about it at the minute. It's going to be such a long process. New evidence, episode 113.

Episode 113, Christopher Ramsay lifted his fist to the defendant. Defendant. Why fist to the defendant defendant defendant why are you the defendant why aren't we both so what you're both equal

why are you why am I suddenly the accused and you're the defendant hey you're a right bastard you do you know that I've been watching too much Lion and Judy

getting all above myself hey Lion and Judy's getting good it's really good oh Chris though no idea what's going on nah though no idea what's going on nah don't know what's going on do I dare tell the listener

what I got asked to do the podcast no I think that's fair enough to say that we're huge fans and you got asked to go on the podcast but

but I had to turn it down because I can't remember all the people I'm good with films and names and lyrics and stuff don't know who

I don't know who other people are we had to pause it four times and Google people's names on Sunday. I had to Google that. What's his name? Toby Tommy?

See what I mean? Yeah, the old guy who got the caddy on board. Years ago. Yeah. You recognised the picture. I didn't. I was like,

was I listening at that time? You know what it is? Fair play to it because it gives you nothing on a plate. Oh, it's fantastic. It really keeps you hoot. It gives you nothing on a plate

but good grief honestly I was embarrassed because I thought I'll go on this podcast and it's the caddy that presents it and he'll be like

so what's your favourite bit and I'll be like well I'll be honest with you it's an in-depth podcast I doubt the question that they're going to pose to you is

what's your favourite bit that's up there with so do you like the uniforms fuck's sake man I imagine it'll be more in depth than that is what's your favourite bit? That's up there with, so do you like the uniforms? Fuck's sake, man. I imagine it'll be more in depth than that. Well, I just didn't want to embarrass myself. So I'm more key embarrassing myself on this podcast,

but a different podcast, which with different listeners, they'll be like, who is this moron? Casual, they'll call you a casual. They'll be like, who the fuck is this casual? I keep getting asked to do UFC stuff for BT Sport to go on and get interviewed about the ufc and that and i can't because i do love it and i know quite a lot about it but i don't like jumping into that punditry level that punditry

level of sort of banter i just can't do it i'll be left and i hate winging it years ago i stopped winging it i winged it for about five years doing stand-up and then i got all right at it well i've learned from your mistakes of winging it yeah and i And I'm just like, I'm alright for that. Oh, no. So anyway, great podcast. Yeah, great podcast. Amazing show.

But yeah, if I have a couple of beers, I can't watch Line of Duty. I have to wait because I can't follow it. Yeah, it's intense. I'm a fool? I'm a fool.

How do we get onto this? Just talking about it. Getting divorced. Yeah, getting divorced. Okay, what's your beef? My beef with you this week is, right, every time I'm

texting someone you always ask who I'm texting right and I know it's like I know it's not because you're like a jealous

man or anything like that you're just nosy so nosy I'm trying not to say the F word can you tell

yeah you're just really nosy and it gets on me wick because why do you want to know because you'll go

who are you texting and I'll go oh Angela and you'll go right yeah and that's it just want to be across

I just want to be across everything it's so irritating you are like honestly I feel like our relationship is turning into you are my irritating younger brother

and I just want to go shut up that's weird because the other day Honestly, I feel like our relationship is turning into you or my irritating younger brother. And I just want to go and shut up! That's weird because the other day you told us that I was now one of your girlfriends because you had no one to gossip with. So I'm your husband, I'm your colleague, I'm your younger brother and I'm one of your girlfriends. Yeah, that's what it's become. Because we sit and slag people off,

but you're not very good at it. You're really shit at slagging people off. I'm quite nice, yeah. No, it's not that you're nice. You're just not very good. it you're really shit at slagging people off i'm quite i'm quite nice yeah i'm no it's not that you're nice you're just you're just not very good you don't i don't know so i go i find that being a comic you can either you can like doing stand-up for years you can either basically step out of the equation and not join in on the slagging off or i go far too far you go like heckler level 10 and then you'll be like jesus christ chris that's my friend you're talking about and i'll be like oh well sorry i've only got i've only really got one speed here there's no image actually yes that is you yeah like i can't i can either just go well you know

she might have been having a bad day or whatever and you're like oh oh you're no good but i'm like yeah but then me next level up is you know a lacerator and you're like why are you an evil person and i'm like well that's just this is that's just the only two speeds I've got. Okay, fair enough. The only two speeds I've got. I'm really sorry. Listen, listen, listen, listen. Linda, lick him. Right, right, right.

What? We're not going to be like this forever. What do you mean? But we're not going to be stuck together forever. I know. Right. Okay, okay.

What do you beef with me? Oh, I've got three. Right. I'm going to pick the nicest one because that was just asking you about texts. You, let's have a look.

Bump. So I've got a reoccurring beef. I'll tell you what. Right. Yeah. Okay. You looked at me the other day. You haven't met the hairdresser yet, have you? No. You haven't met the hairdresser yet. No, because I'm not good at

booking things. You're going on Monday. You still look beautiful. Thank you. You look fantastic. It doesn't. It's horrific. You turned to been in the hairdressers yet? No, because I'm not good at booking things. Yeah, but you're going on Monday, right? You still look beautiful, right? Thank you. Your hair looks fantastic, right? It doesn't. It's horrific. You turned to me the other day, you turned to me the other day, and you said,

you look so much better with your haircut, Chris. I can now actually look at you. Because I had my hair cut the other day. Shout out to Shannon who cut my hair. You said, I can now actually look at you. Right? And then you followed that up with, right? And this was the kicker.

It was ruining your face. That's what you followed up with. It was ruining your face. I don't want to make this a male and female thing, but if I turned to you one day and said, you really need your roots done it's ruining your face i'd be sleeping in the shed yes or no there'd be absolute hell on you're so shallow is it all about looks for you is it chris i can i can actually look at you now that you've had your

hair brilliant telling us oh sorry not fancy because i had long hair cut because it's been ruining it. Long hair. Brilliant. Telling us. Oh, sorry. Not fancying us because I had long hair is absolutely fine. Telling us is the painful bit. I mean, I will give you a couple of points for not telling us while I had the long hair because that would have been... No, I didn't say it once.

Yeah. Didn't say it once. Could you not tell? Could you not tell? I do that many things that repulse you these days. I can't keep track. Can't keep track.

Yeah, it was awful. It was awful. Great. Just that long hair did not look good. The worst thing about it was the long hair that I had. I mean, I wore a cap for months. Shout out basically every bloke I think has just been wearing caps and hats forever.

I had to do it a couple of days for a couple of videos I had to do. And I did it and I was like, this is a fucking mess. This is terrible. And then I walked past a photo of our wedding day and I was like, oh my God, it's exactly the same as the wedding day. Yeah, it was long then. And I thought it looked cool at the time like my dad when i was younger would look back at photos of him in the 70s and be like look at the fucking clip of this look at me here oh god i'll be like

oh dad you looked so stupid i didn't think mine would be like five years six years ago although it would take longer to look back at me photos of your old haircuts and go what a twat my dad's was like three decades he was doing it and mine's like five six years it's ridiculous I would date it so quick

oh god you'd still better with short hair oh sick of it but yeah it's shorter now it's alright is it improving for you

yes I can look at you again now fantastic dare I say might fancy you a little bit oh god Australian order obsessed with me babadoo babadoo babadoo bah Dare I say? Might fancy you a little bit. Oh, God. Australian order. Obsessed with me.

It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Public. Public. It's worth noting, before we dive into questions from the public, that just in the moment of pausing there, while we're getting on to the next section,

I looked at my watch and looked outside and Rosie, as if telepathic, said, you're not going on a bike ride today. So that was good. No, you're not. They do take a while. They take a while and you just like to sneak off on your little bike rides

and I never get a chance to sneak off. So no, you're not sneaking off today. It's my turn to sneak off today. So you can have the kids. You see the fucking rules. The rules implemented in this house. You have no rules, Ramsey. Don't you dare.

Don't you dare. I don't know what I will go on the island or something. Forget it. I will go on one of them just to get away. Good. I hope you die. Whoa. Whoa.

Whoa. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. Again, a huge, massive thank you to everyone who has ever sent anything in. We really do appreciate it. We are cracking through. We're getting through as many of them as we can.

You just keep delivering fantastic stuff, and we can't thank you enough. It's shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com if you want to get in touch. Thank you. I think we should take that out. What? Good, I hope you die.

I hope you die. Eh, you've said worse. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I recall a few episodes ago that Rosie said her mum said she wants a wicker basket coffin when she dies because it's cheaper. Oh, yes, that uplifting chat we had. Frankly.

Being a coffin and casket maker myself for over 25 years, believe me, it's not. Really? Uh-huh, it's not. Really? Uh-huh. It's not cheaper. Well, that makes sense, actually, because if you go to, like, a hardware shop or a home shop and you want, like, a little wicker basket for in your,

I don't know, in your living room to put, like, blankets in or something, bloody expensive wicker baskets. Proper expensive. It says here, forget wicker and cardboard, that's just another excuse for a funeral director to take your eyes out even further. Really? It says here, a plain veneer coated chipboard is the thing to go for all the way. Recycled wood and more economically friendly than anything else.

That is the most depressing bit of good advice I've ever received. Listen, I just think if you're going to want to learn something from this podcast, then you are. You're going to take a little nugget of information away each week and there it is this week's little nugget of information is how to bury yourself nice and cheaply and good for the environment good grief there you go wow babadoo babadoo babadoo bah hi rosie and chris my ex-boyfriend used to get a nosebleed every time he got an erection i shouldn't laugh at that i shouldn't laugh at that that's really bad like bless him but that oh my word that's a that's a hell of an affliction i mean i remember an erection being a difficult thing to hide like at school you could get a random erection whatever in a class difficult

thing to hide an erection i've always said women have got it really easy you can't really tell when a woman's turned on do you know i mean it just stays on its own just in the underpants just just a little bit just no one knows a little secret but men you know blokes you've got you know you can you can spot it through some trousers you know i mean but if your nose bleeds as well i mean crikey yeah it's like having one of them, you know when you go to a radio station and you've got the big red on air sign. It's like that.

It's like a big bing. Ready for it. I mean, I suppose only if people know that that's his affliction, to be fair. But yeah, bless him. Do you want to hear the story? Absolutely, yeah.

Poor guy. In college, I started to date someone who had been my friend for a year or so before. The first time he came over to mine when my parents were out we started to cuddle on the sofa and it went on from there so awkwardly described how do people write

sex books eek i like that honestly i like that you started with cuddling well done yeah very nice anyway he was on top clothes on just dry h, well, that didn't last long, did it? Two times. The niceness. And we were kissing. Then all of a sudden he said, oh my God, and pulled back. I was really nervous as it was my first time doing anything with a boy and thought I'd done something wrong. Aww. It turns out he had got a nosebleed and bled all over my face. Brilliant, lovely.

Yeah. We cleaned it up and just laughed it off. We carried on and it happened again. Every time. At this point, I worried about blood loss, but he said it was normal. Soon after, his dad came home and picked him up

and we didn't speak about the incident. We carried on saying each other, but the nosebleeds became a regular thing when we started to get frisky because it turned out he got a nosebleed every time he got an erection. Oh, man. Bless him. This is so grim.

This is so grim. Come on, then. We're ready. On behalf of everyone listening, we're ready for it. I don't mean grim. It's not disgusting. It's just really sad. Okay.

Oh, well. Maybe not. We got into the routine of getting it on with tissues by the bed. And literally, as soon as he got an erection, his nose would spurt blood. Oh, no. We'd clean it up and then carry on. Oh no! We'd clean it up and then carry on. Sometimes, if we didn't want to wait, he would hold a tissue under his nose whilst we had sex

to catch the dripping blood. I should laugh. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I shouldn't be laughing. Oh, Chris! The poor guy. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I shouldn't be laughing. Oh, Chris. The poor guy. I'm sorry, but can you imagine someone out there just bleeding on you?

Just. Sorry. Absolutely awful. I mean, can I suggest that he does the thing where you just make two bullets and just stick the bullets up your nose? Or a couple of tampons. Stick a couple of tampons up your nose. I mean, there's having sex with socks on and then there's having sex with two tampons hanging out your nose. Poor lad.

I know. Trying to hear what happened. I mean, surely it must be something to do with blood flow and blood pressure. Not sure. But I thought it all went to the... Yeah, so... But it all went there. I don't know, he's got a bloomin' flow problem going on somewhere.

Something's blocked. Oh, God. So, this happened almost every time for the first two months, and then all of a sudden, it stopped happening. Oh. This led to a conversation whereby I accused him of not fancying me anymore. Oh, for fuck's sake, man! Because his nose didn't bleed. What's wrong with women?

I knew you were going to say that. That's some shit you'd come out with. That's some shit you'd come out with. Your nose just doesn't bleed anymore. I mean, that's it. Did you come? Did you come? Did you, though?

Did you? Did your nose bleed? Well, did it, though? Why don't you bleed for me anymore? Oh, the poor lad. You cannot win. He's not bleeding anymore. Did your nose bleed? Well, did it though? Why don't you bleed for me anymore? Oh, the poor lad. You cannot win. So, he's not bleeding anymore.

He promised me he did. Still fancy, because she said, do you still fancy us? He promised me he did. And we went on to stay together for two years before breaking up for an unrelated reason. Goodness me. Yeah. Before breaking up for an unrelated reason. Goodness me. Yeah. That's just, that typical, absolutely typical that.

Yeah. You know, it doesn't bleed as much anymore. You know that thing that was a massive pain in the arse? Well, I've decided that it doesn't happen anymore, that I'm now annoyed. Taught you would absolutely do that. That would be you. What do you mean? You would 100% do that.

Oh, I might ask. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not, oh, thank God that's happened, but oh, I bet she was crying. I bet she made a great fucking song and dance about it. You used to bleed a lot, didn't you? And then we watched that film the other day and it was sexy and it bled for that, but it

doesn't bleed for me and I'm the real thing. Oh, God. Ah! God! Idiot. Why do you bleed for that girl i'm in telly but you don't bleed for me bleeding all over your phone for pornhub aren't you but not for me honestly fucking you can start an argument in a room on your own you know that no i tell you what no that is that's a pure mind fuck that is though honestly imagine if you sat in a pub like and his nose just starts bleeding i'd be like

waitress in a low cut top leans over the table just sorry oh poor lad and she's like oh can i get your tissue i'd be like, no, you can't actually. Keep your tissue to yourself. Starts licking the blood off his face and it's some kind of weird sexual thing. Oh, it would become a thing. It really would. Yeah.

And can you take that back? I'm not, you make me out to be some sort of lunatic. Sorry. No, no, no, no. Well, not because you've agreed. You said it would be a mind fuck and then you said you would ask so shut up

but at least once or twice brilliant there you go well there we go then become a bit more confident ridiculous in me non-bleeding boyfriend

oh hey yeah tell you what the conversations poor lad oh I just said at the end please keep me anonymous because my mum listens

and I don't want her to know the truth that when she caught my ex leaving my room in the nosebleed one night, it was because I was giving him a handjob before. So... So that... Sorry, that's harrowing. That's absolutely harrowing. What are you doing in there? You haven't been getting

hanky-panky? No, mum, I punched him. I hate him. Oh, that's fine then. Bloody hell. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Loving the podcast. Only discovered it at the start of lockdown and it's really Oh, that's fine then. Bloody hell. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Loving the podcast. Only discovered it at the start of lockdown and it's really kept me going these past few months, so thank you.

Thank you. When I decided to send you my story, I did consider using the, my friend did this line. However, that would have been a lie. Respect for the honesty. Yeah. As long as this is kept anonymous,

then I am willing and ashamed to admit this actually happened to me go for it so firstly a bit of history to the story one of my good friends is a bit of a technology geek and some months ago took great pride in demonstrating to me his new virtual reality headset okay he showed me the games he could play using a headset and even joked that there are now virtual reality porn videos. Why does everyone mention that straight away? Because people are disgusted. Whenever you see VR, whatever they invent, people find a way to put porn on it.

People sexualise stuff all the time. Just putting porn on stuff. Do you know what I always think of whenever I think of technology and how monkey it's you know what I always think of whenever I think of technology and how manky it's getting right? I always think of, do you remember the film, the Super Mario film?

Yeah. When they live in that horrible, dystopic, disgusting world where the gutting is like, and it's just computers and it's minging. What's it called? I don't know.

Where it's just minging and he's got a good pointy tongue all right okay oh what like bowser's kingdom yes i just always think of that right okay wow you know i can't believe you've referenced the super mario movie you can't get that anyway do you know can you not you can't get it for love no money anyway it's on no streaming places it's like they've tried to pretend it never happened. It was the 90s, wasn't it? Yeah, it was horrendous. I think it goes down as one of the worst films

in the history of the world. I really liked it. Yeah, alright. Do you remember what I'm talking about? I remember being heroin. It was scary, wasn't it? I remember the Cooper Troopers

had really small weird heads. It was quite scary. Yes. Well, that's the world that I think of when I think of technology taking over in a bad way. Some people think of the Matrix. Some people think of irobot rosie thinks of bowser's fucking kingdom on the old 90s super mario god

lord honestly wow minging right right obviously being the upstanding member of society that i pretend to be i demonstrated my disgust at this before the topic of conversation moved on okay so he said he can do porn he's like oh yeah disgusting not being one for technology myself i didn't give the vr innovation any further thought okay fast forward a few weeks and whilst making a cup of coffee at work a colleague informed me that the office had a stock of vr headsets which were intended to be used for some sort of online well-being sessions oh god this triggered memories Oh, God. Right. A communal head.

Come on. I decided to take one home with me one day. Conveniently, a weekend where my girlfriend was due to be attending a hen weekend in Benidorm. Oh, God. Did you think it was a lass? Yeah. Did you? At first, yeah. No.

Disgusted by porn and all that, yeah. No, it was just a bloke being like, oh, porn on the air. Goodness me. Anyway, thus meaning I had a free household weekend. Horrible. I'm sure by now you will have already worked out my intentions. I'm just not. So let me cut to the chase.

On the Saturday morning, shortly after waving my girlfriend off on her trip, I settled down on my bed for my first ever virtual reality wank. Oh, you... On a communal? on a communal, borrowed, works, borrowed works VR headset. Intended for well-being sessions.

I will hold my hands up here and say that this is possibly, it could qualify as a well-being session. Well, that's true. It could qualify as a well-being session. I'll give him that. Self-help. But one, what kind of workplace is just knocking out the

VR headsets left, right and centre? Where do you work? Fucking Google. That's expensive. That's a big... What if someone else from the office had had it and done that? Oh, no. It's on your face, you know. It's nowhere near your bits. Oh, no, but you... You're talking like he's going to put it round his cr crotch he might hit himself in that eye with his spunk oh come on

people have done it it's been done i just can't i can't picture myself ever being able to relax enough but i've got a vr headset i've got one of the ps4 and we've got one of them oculus things i can't relax when it's on a because you gave us a fright and hurt me on that time right i knew you'd mention you did you gave us a fright on it but you just i i've tried i remember i got the iron man game and i tried to play you and robin in the old house before rave was born you and robin went out i put it on and i was taking it off every five minutes because i felt like someone was walking in the room and just gave us a fright you're like i just can't like relax enough to even play on it normally so the idea of porn on it would be the way getting caught is a fright. You're like, I just can't relax enough

to even play on it normally. So the idea of porn on it would be the worst. Getting caught wanking would be bad enough if you were just looking at porn on your phone. If you've got a headset on

and you're full on in the position and that, Christ on earth. Come on then. So he's on his bed settling down for his first ever

virtual reality wank. Pathetic. I should point out that my bedroom is very private and not overlooked by any other houses so closing the curtains

did not cross my mind. Sorry, why would it not cross your mind? It's just, you can't say anything outside your mind. Wearing just a pair

of boxer shorts, I found a suitable video on a popular online website. Strapped on the headset and proceeded to enjoy my own company, complete with hardcore virtual reality

sex taking place in front of my very eyes. Hang on. So, I thought that I've got this wrong. Right. Do you just watch videos on there? I don't understand how it works. I thought it was a person. I thought it was like a... I don't understand how it works. I mean, I imagine you're not in control of it like you would

be a computer game because that would just be impossible to make. That's what I thought it was going a... I don't understand how it works. I mean, I imagine you're not in control of it like you would be a computer game because that would just be impossible to make. That's what I thought it was going to be. It's a bit of crap. I don't... I've never... So you're just watching porn on VR?

It's just going to be there around you? I imagine it's, yeah, like just being... Like you're in the room? Yeah, can you turn your head and look at stuff? I don't know.

Don't know. I don't know how they would do it. He said here, I will spare you the detail. Thank you. However, after several minutes, I was done and whipped off the headset, content with my first experience of virtual reality porn.

Right. As I lay back relaxing on the bed, my gaze turned to my bedroom window. To my surprise, it appeared slightly wet, with the occasional drop running down the outer glass. Shut the fuck up. Confused at this mysterious moisture, given that the sun was

shining and I had not heard any rain, I staggered over to the window for a closer inspection. To my horror, there, on the roadside, was my window cleaner yes loading his ladder and cleaning product back into his van i was mortified this poor man had just cleaned my bedroom window and will have been clearly faced with the sight of me on my bed cracking one off semi-naked wearing a massive vr headset oh yes christ Yeah? One final detail to this story, which I have so

far failed to mention. My window cleaner is also my girlfriend's uncle. That serves you fucking right. It serves you right. It's, oh, your girlfriend's uncle.

That's delicious. Horrible. So I worked out so I nearly said as soon as you said I left the curtains open I nearly went what if the window cleaner comes but I thought it was

a ridiculous thing to say that like you've got a virtual reality headset on why would you not close the curtains oh I like daylight let me get vitamin D

while I'm wanking you oh nah it has now been several months since this shameful embarrassing episode and so far my girlfriend has not confronted me about it so I can only assume Oh, no. It has now been several months since this shameful, embarrassing episode. And so far, my girlfriend has not confronted me about it,

so I can only assume that her uncle has kept this to himself. Wow. It must be a window cleaner's code. I was going to say, it might be. Like, doctor-patient confidentiality. Do you think that's a thing? It's like window cleaner wanker's confidentiality.

I bet it is a thing. Or then again, it weirdly... So I was squeegee in the shower this morning and i was thinking about window cleaners i don't know if they're looking they're looking you know they might have developed like a technique where you're just looking at the window do you think yeah yeah oh i'd have to have a look in you know what actually that's probably a job that i'm scared of height i've already brilliant i've got rid of that yeah yeah i'll be your window yeah hello rosie's window cleaning.

I'd like to book you. Hello, is it a bungalow? It's not. No, I'll fuck off then. Bloody death trap. Two floors, you kidnars. Sorry, I can't be any higher than a foot off the ground.

Get a nosebleed. Or is that your reaction? That's what she did. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. My mum told me a story the other evening that I just couldn't believe. I screamed, sat shocked,

and immediately said she needed to let you guys know. This is even worse than the boy who borrowed his mum's vibrator for his one-night stands. Prepare yourselves. I forgot about him. Do you remember that? I forgot about that menace.

Oh, horrible. Someone my mum works with, let's keep her anonymous for her sake, informed her of a very dark secret the other day. One that, if it were me, I'd never tell another living soul. Ooh,

this is juicy. The girl in question had been rummaging through her mum's room one day when her mum was out at work and had come across her mum's secret drawer as seems to be the theme with the podcast she found a dildo slash vibrator and took it to her own room when she decided to use it sorry sorry sorry no no no why is everyone no do people not realise what happens with these things bored

a lot going on what do you mean what happens with these things like what they are like what they're doing clearly she's took her own room to borrow it yeah but you know

your mum's stuff's on that I know mangy after a night filled with uncontrollable pleasure her words not mine

oh jeez Louise do you know when you just wouldn't want to hang around with someone anymore do you know what youise do you know when you just wouldn't want to hang around with someone anymore you know what you just you know you really don't want flitting through your head while you're pleasuring yourself your mom crikey i've got nothing to say to that i was gonna say something really horrific but i'm not um she decided she'd buy her own and looked at the toy

in question to find it online so try before you buy yeah yeah imagine walking into Anne Summers now I had a shot

of me mam's and I want the same one as that but I don't see don't do that model anymore God ew a little early Christmas present

or so she thought horrible although there wasn't any branding on said sex toy, there was a very distinctive notch at the top, and upon a quick Google search, she discovered the truth, and it was something that would haunt her for the rest of her days. Right. This toy, the very one that had brought her so much pleasure,

was a customised one that you can mould around your partner's penis. No! Yes, that's right. This woman had used not only her mum's sex toy but one that was an exact replica of her own dad's

penis. Oh no! Oh no! incest by osmosis why did she tell anyone that's me that is one of the best things we've ever had emailed in that's awful that's up there in the greatest hits already that's but why would you tell anyone that I can't believe what that is the oh man oh

how much have you got to love your partner to get a dildo of their own dick that's really weird like come on I would never I would never allow that

because then it would be like next time you're having sex you'd be like I do this better I use your knob better than you use it give it to ya You're like, I do this better. I use your knob better than you use it. Give it to you.

I don't need you anymore. It's like the sex version of a backseat driver. Not like that, man. Why does your knob not vibrate? Can you turn it down? That's one of the worst things I've ever heard. It's awful, isn't it? Let's just put it out there.

Stop using your parents' sex toys. Because that's just so wrong on so many levels. Just awful. Just let that be a lesson to you. Don't use your mum's little dick. No. Because it could be an exact replica of your dad's dick. And you could essentially have just been having sex with your dad.

Oh, stop it. That's what you did. Shad sex with her dad. stop it that's what you did she had sex with her dad isn't there websites now where you can get sex toys in the company house like in non-branded stuff I assume so I don't know what the cause

but what you're trying to say is we're living in a world where it's so easy just get your own just get your own that's what I'm saying get your own and if you live with your parents

I'm sure there's websites where you can buy them and they don't come in like oh this is a vibrator on the box they don't come in a big

glass box yeah so you can you can buy them online and they'll come quite discreetly imagine imagine buying a dildo online

that says discreet packaging and it comes in like a fucking glass display case And there's two blokes carrying it up the drive Woo woo woo Sex toy, sex toy And the guy goes Now we actually do have to install it madam

So if you could just bend over Oh you're being rank the day Oh I'm being rank You're blimmin' talking about people shagging their dads How dare you, you asked for this Somebody wrote this in Somebody wrote this in. Somebody wrote this in. Just eat.

Oh. Oh. Oh, just... Oh, yeah. Horrible, this. Like, why do we do this? Oh, it's fun. Apple, innit?

I'm just the mouthpiece for these. Best part of my week. Is it? Yeah. Fantastic, that. Oh, hey. Oh, your dad's dick. Yeah. Oh, God. oh god distinctive notch as well

distinctive notch that's the dad's knob got a distinctive notch he's got a distinctive little notch like a mushroom dick oh stop it little pleasure button oh stop

thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Maridenoid, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Yes, as always, thank you so much, guys. If you want to get in touch, it's shagmaridenoid at gmail.com. The tickets, again, have been rescheduled. The shows are happening in September. The live shows get on there now. Merch available on the website etc etc

thank you so much see you in a bit bye rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.