Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 116. Instructed by tumblers

Episode Date: May 14, 2021

On the podcast this week there is an update on Sandra’s stash and Rosie’s lamp problem continues. The pair discuss some novelty glasses and the pros and cons of shopping as a family. QFTP’s involve some tough blisters, a poorly judged wedding prank and an attempt at food poisoning. Plus Rosie shares a childhood memory of a trip to a bread factory. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret.

It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. You know, don't. The first omen.

I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real.

It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. The Impeders Friday. Gets it gets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag Mountain Oid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and the man I currently live with, Chris Ramsey. Currently. The man I currently live with.

I'll take that. Currently. Coming on your toes. Currently. Very nice. Hi. Hi. Hiya.

We're here. We are. Here it is. How are you? Oh, you are shit at this part of the podcast. I do this on purpose. I planned this. Oh, no.

You are. You've still got that bit of radio in you. When you used to work for Capital, you've still got that. Quick. Quick. They're going to switch over. They're going to switch. They're not fucking going anywhere, man.

We've got them. The 116 episodes in, they're still chattin' in the bit, man. but I'm sorry. I don't want to listen to people going, how are you? Yeah, I'm great. How are you?

Yeah, great. Let's just, now this is horrible. Listen, no it's not. Honestly, you're being sacked by now. Exactly, right? And that's why I don't work for any kind of commercial radio station

where you go, hey, quickly, you've got 13 seconds. Tell them your kettle anecdote. Big man, right, here's Taylor Swift. Fuck that. No offense to Taylor Swift. I love Taylor Swift.

But still, all I'm saying is, Rosie, sometimes it's nice to just settle into it. It's nice to settle in. It's nice to say hello. Dear listener, how are you? What are you doing? Excellent. Thanks for asking. Why don't we take the American vibe?

What are they doing? Just be like, hey, welcome to my podcast. How you doing? Do you need a new mattress? Here's a mattress advert. They're all, America, there must be a fucking

mattress shortage. They're all just sponsored by mattresses. Yeah, website. We haven't been sponsored by mattresses yet. Website designers.

Website designers, yeah. Squarespace.com. Squarespace.com. Anyway, guys, thank you so much. Rosie, it's episode Rosie

it's episode right last week you'll not believe this you'll not believe this come on blow my mind last week was episode 115 yep guess what episode it is this week

oh hang on a minute 116 damn right baby maths motherfucker shit that's right episode 116 sponsored by

maths dot com maths maths where numbers get bigger depending on the equation Sponsored by maths.com Maths Where numbers get bigger Depending on the equation Math Oh it is annoying that they say math They do do that

Do the math They always did it in American films Hey you're so bad at math Do the math Do the math Is it not maths Did you get cut off there Hey, you're so bad at math. Do the math. Okay. Is it not maths?

Did you get cut off there? Did you might go off? Because you should have had a little s on the end of that. Who knows? I mean, I can't talk because I Googled. I put procreate in an email not long ago. And then I Googled procreate. I thought I didn't know whether it was all one word or separate words, right?

And then when I... What? Sorry. No, go on. Just why were you putting procreate in an thought i didn't know whether it was all one word or separate words right and then when i what sorry no go on just why were you putting procreate an email what the hell oh okay so um my manager lee messaged us asking us about dates and i asked you about this date and i told her the date and then you went actually i'm doing something then so i had to message her back saying i'm sorry chris is a moron didn't tell us that he's not that he's like you know unavailable so i've got to have the kids and then she messaged back going that's fine don't worry about it and i was like i don't even know how we managed to procreate wow so you were disinmate the manager yeah with big words with big but you were so intent on disinmate the manager you were googling the names of the big words well then i googled the big the big word and loads of loads of kids books came up right and i was like and then i started questioning because i've used procreate loads like it's no genuinely

i've used it loads of times because i think i thought i knew what it meant but then i was like hang on does it mean what i think i thought it meant having kids and then i googled what does procreate mean and it does it's like to procreate to make children or animals have another animal. Every single person listening knew that. I know but I got a bit

freaked out because I googled it and it just came up with it must be a kids book or something. And I was thinking hang on. Shit.

Well no because procreate means to have kids. Chris it's a children's book. There's something about a children's book. There's loads of videos but it didn't just say, oh, too mean to have kids.

So I was like, I've been saying this for years. I'm surprised that Procreate didn't bring up porn sites. They mustn't have that on that algorithm. Must be a filter. You blocked my computer. You stopped me looking at porn. Well, definitely it was getting too much, man. Bloody porn afternoon,

bloody morning, noon and night with you. Bloody porn everywhere. Hang on, what about me Friday porn day? No, no, Friday getting too much, man. Bloody porn afternoon, bloody morning, noon and night. Were you? Bloody porn everywhere. Hang on. What about me Friday porn day? No, no. Friday porn day's being cancelled. Friday porn day. I can't believe this.

What's your beef? What's your beef? Me husband's blocked me porn day. Day? A full day? Imagine. Oh, how you'd be. Oh, that's hellish. You'd just be sick, wouldn't you?

A full day of porn. You'd have just had enough. I know. I can't get over that some porn videos on some, you know, various tube sites that people use. Some videos are like hours and hours long. Don't know. I've never understood that. Never understood that. Who's watching all that? Don't know. Hey, for...

Lads, lads, full movie here. You got... Get a couple of beers. Stick a pizza on. Popcorn? 59 minutes. Special this, man. Come on, let's do this.

People who watch porn with their mates. Really weird. Who's watching porn with their mates? People do it, man. Like students and that. And young lads. Mainly lads. But, you know, they stick...

You see it in movies sometimes. No, they don't. They go out to someone's house and there's some porn on and they're all just sitting, chilling, just watching some porn. Oh. They do. Really? Yeah.

When I was younger, we did. If one of me mates had found one of their dad's videos, VHS, big, big love, shout out, remember VHS? Yeah. If they'd found that, you'd have to, you know, everyone would sit down and watch it. That's fair enough. That's when you're younger and it's like a new thing.

You're telling me that's some older people. I bet you they do. I bet you they do. I bet you. It's rank you're younger and it's like a new thing. You're telling me that's some... I mean older people who do it. Older people. I bet they do. I bet you. It's rank that way. Yeah. Remember that? Hey, shout out to the lads out there.

Remember finding your dad's porn tape? Put it on, but then having to make sure you rewound it back to the exact same bit. Does your dad have a porn tape? My dad never did, no, but me mate's dad's.

Mate's dad's, you would always find them. But that's the thing, like, I don't know, like, I'm obviously like a full-on detective in this house. if something moves i'm like what's happening there like it does your head in how ridiculous i am i don't know if i'm gonna be that with kids but remember so when you're younger if you ever what at someone's house and you're like oh i mean mom

and dad away let's like drink a bit of the whiskey or whatever you do that and you'd be like oh no you need to know where it is you need to remember like fill it up with water or something he's like do you really think the parents were gonna come come back and know that? Unless you drank it all, they wouldn't know a couple of mouthfuls have gone. No. And I just can't imagine someone's dad ever sitting down and going, hold on, this porn video isn't exactly where I left it. I didn't jizz when they were getting in the car. I jizzed when he was getting his photocopier fixed.

What the hell's going on in this house? I don't know why I don't like talking about that. Why? Just about dads and that. You're a dad now. it's weird isn't it we're a mom and dad like yeah

no don't know why just gives us a heebie jeebies heebie jeebies bring that back heebie jibbies bring that back anyway look

I can't believe it this is still the introduction guys thank you so much for listening for coming back again and again everything seems to be sorting itself out

out there in the big wide world and we hope you're okay with it we hope you're still hanging in there we hope you're happy we hope we'll hope you're still hanging in there we'll hope you're happy we'll hope we'll just we'll just hope for you don't we'll just hope hope hope for you and listen it's friday we're not going to keep you too long because we know you've got all the porn ready to go porn day friday if you listen to this on friday and if you listen to this uh over the weekend as it comes out hey

look forward to monday look for bloody getting your hugs in. Eh? Hug day Monday. Come on. I'm not, no, I can't get on board with hug day. I'm doing that thing. I'm doing that thing when you turn around and it looks like something's

No, I can't get on board with hug day and I don't want to say too much because I don't want to get cancelled. So you're telling me that you're happy with Friday porn day but you're not happy

with Monday hug day. Do you know what it is? I'd rather have Friday porn day over Monday hug day. Don't tell me when I'm allowed to fucking hug someone. Yeah, no. I think a lot of people in this world would rather have Friday Ponday over Monday Hug Day. Don't tell me when I'm allowed to fucking hug someone. Yeah, no.

I think a lot of people in this world would rather have Friday Ponday than Monday Hug Day. Let's just be honest here. No, they would. Let's just be honest. Listen, I'll have both.

Greedy. Guys, it's episode 116. Thank you so much for coming back. Like I just said, and without any further... Tell you what, right? We're supposed to do the sponsor in the first couple of minutes.

We'll be losing money hand over fist here. You're not going to squeeze it in it in this week's sponsor is cupcakes the banana of the cake world it's in its own little it's in its own little holder in it oh oh peel that off but sorry rosie's looking confused it's the banana of the cake yes but orange would have been better harder harder to get it off you literally peel that off always Ie, ond byddai'n fwy na'r oren. Ychydig yn anodd i'w gael i ffwrdd. Peilio hynny allan. O, mae yna rhywfaint o hwyl i'r bwll bach. Gwylio hynny allan o'ch teithiau.

Gwylio hynny allan. O, a yw hynny'n dda? A oedd y cwpcaig yn dda? Cofi un arall. Rwy'n gwybod pam. Pan fyddwch chi'n mynd i'r cafe, mae'n ffosg ffocon. Cwpcaig, cwpcaig. Cofi ddwy. Cofi ddwy. Gwyl Go on, have two. Enjoy it. Have seven, mate.

Leave the buttercream. Disgusting. You're not a fan of buttercream on cupcakes, are you? Vile. I'm not a fan of buttercream icing when it's bigger than the actual fucking cupcake. Like an iceberg. Yeah, yeah. It's just normal.

It's massive. Don't eat that much. The ones we're getting at the minute. Normal icing. The actual normal old school, like school, school dinner icing. Oh, you dirty bastards here. Anyway, eat cupcakes if you're really content, yeah.

Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Jingle! Jingle! We hope you like the jingo, jingo Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba JINGO! Hello and welcome back to Shag Marginoid.

So happy to have you back. I tell you what, as far as podcast introductions go, we went hard, I went home there to be fair. We absolutely went hard. There was porn getting discussed, there was all kinds. We just can't help ourselves. I got too excited. Did you say the C-bomb?

I think I called them a greedy bunch of C's for eating cupcakes I've dropped the C-bomb a lot recently it was in it was in Your Honour we watched Your Honour by the way get on Your Honour

if you want to watch that he said it in there and so we've been doing it to each other that scene in the courtroom don't give too much away but there's a scene in the courtroom

where he drops it out and I mean I swear a lot and even when he did it I went oh my goodness me like it was very good use of the C word we're at that lovely point

so Robin's at school again which is nice and Rafe doesn't understand oh yeah so we're just having a lovely little I think we've probably got about six months

until he's six months that we need to calm down the swearing so we're just going hell for leather now. It's really nice. Robin goes to school and we're like, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, you can just walk around the house. Just effing and jeffing. Oh, it's great. Just effing and jeffing away from room to room. Eff, jeffing, schneff. Fantastic. How are you? Are you happy?

I am now, you know. Good. I had a bit of a bad day yesterday. But you know what it is? I had a bad day. And you know, I go all day and I'm like, why do I feel sad?

And you go, why do you feel sad and you go why do you feel sad and i'm like i don't know and then i go oh i'm due on yeah that was it yeah that was it i know you knew but you didn't want to say and i'm glad you didn't because i would have i would have gone down your throat things couple of things so yesterday just about go to bed oh chris i'm dead sad i don't know why i'm sad and i went right what can i do darling to make you happier so you know that's well you know a bit late wasn't it i don't know i had a couple of glasses of wine i couldn't really go anywhere in the car and live in the

middle of nowhere um basically i lay there with it was quite and it was gonna be my beef but it's not my beef it's just i've got a couple of things what i've got today is right in in terms of podcast preparation i've got a couple of sub beefs that are going to happen before the beef section even happens. Can it wait? Yeah, just a couple of things I want to have a go at you for. Basically, so last night you were like,

I'm just sad and I don't know why I'm sad. And I was like, come on then, what can I do? So I thought I'd sit and talk to you, you know, and find out what you're sad about.

Went around the houses about a load of different things. And I was, you know, the shoulder to cry on as a good husband should be. Didn't cry, but that's fine didn't cry um fair enough what a medal it's okay it's okay to cry yes um and basically you then were like oh like right towards the edge of what i'm talking about you went oh but then again you know it could be this and it could be that it could be this or it could be that but oh i am due on i went brilliant and you went yeah it might be that

i went okay and then i continued me talk that i was doing to try and make you feel better it could be this, or it could be that. But, oh, I am due on. I went, brilliant. And you went, yeah, it might be that. I went, okay. And then I continued me talk that I was doing to try and make you feel better. And you're lying on the pillow and extras, and you just went,

mm-hmm. And I went, you know, and I asked you something, and you went, mm-hmm. And I went, you're going to sleep on you,

and you went, mm-hmm. And that was it. So you basically, what you essentially said was, Chris, I'm a little bit asleep. Will you just talk us to sleep, you boring bastard?

And I just started like genuinely trying to make you feel better and you just fucking drifted. Like as far as reactions to my motivational speeches go, that's the worst one that there's ever been. It's funny because there'll be a lot of people listening to this who've got tickets to your shows and, you know, I'll get you for free and you send me off to sleep listen now listen listen that is not cool i was not in comedy mode at all i was

trying to scrape me off the fucking floor are you ready for a nap do you just not sleep well you know 2020 chris ramsey talk about 2020 chris ramsey it was thought about this on here how much of a clusterfuck my tour is now have i mentioned this yeah terrific it was perfectlysey it was thought about this on here how much of a clusterfuck my tour is now have I mentioned this yeah terrific it was perfectly planned it was beautiful shout out to Stephen who books it for us it was a beautiful

2022 it was a fucking work of art now it's been lifted up and dropped thankfully rescheduled you know I think only one of the dates

has been actually moved because the venue shut down which was sad but as for how many I've got one of them's only gone it's been booked

by someone who thinks I can fucking teleport and I've got one date i do the hammersmith apollo still some tickets available just one date before our podcast tour one stand up date then the full podcast tour then some stand updates then the podcast tour i know it's like it's like you're not even grateful to be doing it again once i do it i do i keep having dreams i walk on stage and burst into tears I know all the time you will

all the time can't wait it's great no it'll be good fun it'll be nice to not have to see you every day but annoyingly

yeah and you only thought you were about to say it'll be nice for you to get back out on the road and do what you love but no

you're just looking forward to not seeing us I think we'll get stronger again really annoyingly right and I was thinking

about this the other day i've got used to you being here right and it's going to be weird when you go again and i'm going to be like shit shit right in a way of like i don't know you're hoovering that oh and yeah you're an extra pair of hands with the kids and stuff in restaurant i'm just gonna just gonna sort of counter out what you're seeing here because you say a hoover yet yesterday you were making tea and i was hoovering up the kitchen and you just went chris and i turned and you were making the most over the top dramatic face like guys if you can imagine like kind of the face someone will do where they're

like if you know where you get your your forefinger and your thumb and you grab the bridge of your nose and you go like, like that kind of brain freeze face. You were making that and I went, what? And you went, stop hoovering. As if it was

a fucking supersonic engine of a jet. I do not like the sound of a hoover unless I'm doing it. You're like a dog. No, unless I'm doing it, I hate the sound of the hoover. Yeah.

I'm so happy that this extractor fan in the new house is nice our old one was horrible just some of the stuff that you see you can tell we've just been locked down and just in the house you're like now and then something falls out your mouth and it sounds like it's from a domestic like tv show on like the home improvement channel I'm so happy that the new extractor fan's quiet because the last fan

he has well yeah because I'm making three bastard meals a day I'm absolutely sick

Sandra comes my mum comes and stays two nights a week because we do this podcast and you know we have to get

ready for it the day before I mean we don't do much on the Monday but don't tell her I do fuck all but you

I just let her have the baby yeah yeah I went on a bike ride yesterday anyway so she makes her tea and like for them two nights

well I did it last night but for that one night that she makes her tea it's the best night of my week I love it when she comes and makes tea because it's very rare

that I get a cooked meal in this house oh you can you say this he says this every time my mum cooks every time she cooks he goes

Sandra this is wonderful I didn't I never get a cooked meal you can honestly you can swivel very fun babadoo babadoo babadoo

so on the subject of Sandra you know regular listeners will be aware of the womble nature of Sandra and you know she'll have anything she's gone too far I mean she's gone over the edge

she may have lost her mind Sandra came in the house the other day she'd be there for a walk out in the countryside She's gone too far. I mean, she's gone over the edge. She may have lost her mind. Sandra came in the house the other day. She'd been there for a walk out in the countryside. No, she'd been away in the countryside. Oh, she'd been away in the countryside for a little night. Away from us. And she went out for a walk.

And she came back with, she went, this is how she did it. She came and she went, Chris, did I show you what I found on me travels? And I went, i went what and weirdly she must have went and got it from the boot of her car or something because she had it on the bottom of the pram oh she didn't which was so weird so she came in sorry guys that's taken a while you'll realize why when i say what it is she came in the house with the pram and she went do you see what i found on me travels when i was on me walks i went what and she got this carrier bag from the bottom of the pram and she took the carrier bag out and she produced a fucking deus skull a full intact fucking deus guys all saints it's the all saints logo yeah it's exactly like the all saints logo in full

and i went and i literally went ah I went what the fuck's that the worst the absolute worst unbelievable when she told me because she did a similar reveal to me because we weren't together

when she showed us and I was like oh what you got oh you know a nice bit of wood yeah yeah a bit of reclaimed driftwood or something

yeah or a nice stone just something like that or a shell from a beach no a fucking animal skull bull deer skull disgusting

bull deer skull she hasn't got into detail but in my head I just picture her in a ravine somewhere in the Scottish borders just with her foot on the spine

and neck of it just pulling the head off so she's washed it thank god Jesus but like that would have been minging

disgusting yeah yeah yeah what sink has she washed that in do you know when you go and stay in a cottage or something right and you think

oh it's nice and clean but who's been here had a party you don't imagine a woman you know in her 60s

disinfecting a fucking deer head cleaning a deer head and then I forgot to tell you this what Robin was looking at last night

right oh bear in mind first she thought it was a sheep. So that was funny. She kept saying it was a sheep. She kept saying it was a sheep. It's got antlers. Yeah. So Robin was looking at it.

And so it's got these monkey horrible, it's teeth, right? Or like, they're black. They're horrible, right? It looks like, yeah. Awful. And Robin was like, and he's going, Mommy, Ma, Mama. They were like, Wiggly, what's this? And me ma was like, he's going mommy ma mama they were like wiggly

what's this and me mam's like why aren't what's the teeth why aren't they like that and then she's like oh it's because it's dead isn't it

I'm like I don't think you keep your teeth in like when you're dead I think they become less suctionous suctionous suctionadina

suctionous listen me mam me mam collects deer heads honestly what do you expect this to be like on the bottom of the pram I know

can you imagine she was randomly stopped by the police and just walking out with the kid and she just had a fucking deer head on the bottom of the pram

it's horrible I don't know what she wants me to do with it she was like I'm going to clean it up it's lovely isn't it well don't tell her yesterday I didn't get a chance

but tonight when Robin gets in from school I'm going to get him to go put it in her bed So don't say it now right He'll let it slip won't he I'm just going to put it in her bed She's like you

She's like Slapdash and Slap Hazard She won't know She'll move the covers back And she'll go to climb into bed She'll stab herself We'll have to go to hospital oh it can't be us it'll kill her

it'll kill her it will it'll kill her and then we'll have set it on here and then it'll be awful do you know what I mean she would oh for god's sake

yeah right I will not put her out of bed I might put her on a pillow something a bit more she'll sit on it she'll lie on it I think she's going to

start talking to it do you think she's going to put it somewhere and start talking to it and then you go around her house and she's going to be like to it. Do you think she's going to put it somewhere and start talking to it? And then you go around her house and she's going to be like brushing its teeth in that. We've just had our breakfast, haven't we? I mean, she is single.

So... I don't know. She is single. No one's that single. I don't know, like... Do you know what it is? It's the country's answer to a fleshlight so i spotted something yesterday yeah that i don't know if this is just something that i've

spotted or whether anybody else has spotted it or whether i'm the strange one i don't know anyway so obviously the shops are open again yeah i got very excited went to a few of them went to barker and stonehouse and like Next and that. And, you know, had a lovely little rummage around. It was lush. Whilst there, I noticed that there was a family out shopping. Yeah. But when I say family.

What? A full family? A full, full family. What do you mean? So I'm... So, right, okay. So I've spotted this a few times in my life. Not all the time

but just every now and again I always think why right so I'm talking there was a family like us you know a couple with two kids

or whatever yeah their parents right and then so say like then the auntie and uncle were there Jesus

and the cousins yeah like I'm talking like 12 people 12 people out there next having a little look round. Why? Have you never ever seen that before? Yeah, well I've seen, I've never, right, I've never seen I'll be honest with you, I've never seen full families

in shops. But obviously we live next to the Metro Centre. I've seen, so the Metro Centre's like, it's lots of different sort of sections. The department. It's a massive big shopping centre isn't it? Like Trafford Centre. Yeah, Bluewater or something like that, right? So it's basically you know them bits in shopping centres department it's a it's a massive big shopping center in it like trafford center yeah blue water or something like that right so it's basically you know them bits in shopping centers where it's like a junction where you can go off to down to different down different roads

do you know i mean it's like almost like a roundabout where people are there there's normally you know there'll be like a fucking climbing wall or one of them trampoline things with the zip lines i've seen groups of people there like like, organising, like, organising the, like, you've got, right, you go to Primark first, right, and use the corner there, or you go to Apple Shop, and you'll be fucking ages in the Apple Shop, and they're, like, working out before they disperse.

I can understand that, because what if you went on a big family, sort of, get, you know, you went away and you went to the big shop, I mean, why would you? But, you know, people do, people do that, big shop i mean why why would you but you know people do people do that don't they go on holidays together i can't understand shop with anyone yeah but i'm talking i've seen people from the area that they are like geordie accents all right so they're just all out no no they're just out together at the shops forget it i don't understand

forget it so we're talking a full generational generation family all in the shop shopping together well our Myra and Dave are coming and they're bringing Julie and you know

and Jeff's gonna come along and the kids and we'll all look around the shops together horrible I don't understand this horrible I remember a while ago

when you were younger when I was younger it would be like you'd go out with your mates and you'd go out we're going to the shops or whatever and you'd basically

be walking around you're not buying anything get a McDonald's you know see if you can see some girls or whatever you know and girls

see if you can see boys stuff like that well you know but I quickly worked out that going shopping with someone else is just horrible

like I go shopping with you because you're my wife and I'll walk around with you but that's my job right going shopping

with someone else is just essentially do you want to go shopping it'll take twice as long as what it's going to do if you go on your own and you'll spend half of that time standing looking at shit

you don't want I agree it's ridiculous and if you're not that close to them so I'll go shopping with my mum and I'll be like mum hurry the fuck up

or I'm going here you go there I'll see you later but if it's someone and you need to get stuff and you're always like yeah I agree. Just going to try this on.

Oh, for fuck's sake. Really? Really? Send it back. Buy it online. Tell you, that's my new thing. We went shop the idea. The amount of things I pick up, I go, oh, get it online.

And I put it back. And then I'm online, and I go, oh, I want to see it in real life. I'm trapped. Trying stuff on. That's a little luxury that I don't have anymore. No? Well, yeah. You know, Yankees years before kids, I would try stuff on that's a little luxury that I don't have anymore no well yeah you know

young kids years before kids I would try stuff on I would I would actually go to the changing rooms try stuff on because I had nowhere to be

do you remember your life before kids and you just had yeah like time yeah but now don't take your kids shopping

have a little dig or even if they're not there you still you've got to get back for them or you've got to you know do something for them it's a constant ticking clock about your head I you've got to get back for them or you've got to you know do something for

them I don't go to the shops for stuff for me anymore I've always got to buy a bib or a pair of

wellies or a coat because the garage shit so I spotted your problem here if you're going to the shop and

buying one bib at a time that's why you have to keep going and buying bibs you want to go once and buy loads of bibs then you

don't have to buy a bib again listen don't talk to me about bibs because that bib's neck is massive. He's got a build-ass neck, hasn't he? I swear to God.

Honestly, I put his bib on him in the middle of the night. He's like... I'm like, come on. You've got your mom's chins. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. I found something the other day online that you are going to, you're just going to hate. And I know that you will just hate this, right?

It kind of annoyed me a little bit, but you know. So they now sell online something called conversation starter glasses. Sorry. Have you heard of these before? No. Conversation starter glasses, like cups. Drinking. So drinking glasses. sorry have you heard of these before no conversation start at glasses like like drinking so drinking glasses um and what happens is the glasses have little like lines on them and writing and whatever part you're up to shut up yeah so whatever part you're up to

drinking um you've got one of them somebody else has got the other one and whatever you're up to where it goes to so here in the example one of them's drank a little bit more than the other person so it says funniest and then the other ones is family gathering and then you chat about that fuck off so one of them so one of them has the adjective on oh oh no conversation starter chris this is this is what we've become right this world we can't even we can't even hold a conversation anymore we have to be instructed by a tumbler absolutely ridiculous that is oh guys google this if you see it they are so hold on so right let's chat about your and then...

So you, so someone would drink out of that one and get to the little periphery. Is that a line? Right, right, right. Okay, but what if

that says dream? Dream. So one of them says there, dream, and the next one says school memory. What if you got dream and school memory?

Then you'd go, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, let's take another drink and see what we get next. Wankers. You know, there's not, people aren't buying these.

There's no way people are buying these. Guess how much they are. How much? Guess. 20 quid for the pay. 39 pounds. Shut the fuck up. 20 quid each.

To be a boring sod. So what's the plan? So the plan is don't speak until you've had, how are you in a situation where you are going for a drink with someone and you, what, is this for dates? situation where you are going for a drink with someone and you,

what, like, is this for dates? I'm guessing. Probably for, like, conversation starters or, I mean,

it would be a bit weird if you were in a pub and someone came over with their own glasses. in what world are you not having, in what world are you having a drink with someone who you haven't had a conversation with? I don't know,

Chris. Maybe, hang on, let's look at the other, maybe it's for people who've been married for years and years and they've run out of stuff to talk about. And they're like, right, let's get the conversation starters out.

That is great. And let's converse, yeah. So here, I've got one for you. What's your worst meal? That's one of them. Worst meal. Worst meal you've ever had. Worst meal I've ever had.

That sort of vegetable soupy kind of broth thing you made me, but you left the bouquet garnier thing in. You never ever let me forget that. You left the herb sack in and I was chewing it for 45 minutes. I was nearly sick. First holiday. First holiday. Tossa de mar when I was two.

My mum always talks about it. Don't know where it is. Just tossa de mar. It's awful. It's got tossa in it. I don't care. That's great. No, this is good.

All of this and I'm not even getting a drink. That's creepy. The winner, to be fair. I mean, you know, you meet up. No, this is good. All of this and I'm not even getting a drink. That's creepy. The winner, to be fair. I mean, you know, you meet up with a... I mean, you know what? I'm not joking about this here. You meet up with some bloke or someone on a date and they go, like you say,

I've brought my own glasses, by the way, to the pub. I'm all right, thanks. Yeah, I'm all right. What's in there? Really weird. What's around the rim of that? A little hypno? I don't like that at all.

No. They are strange. What a fucking weird thing. We're going backwards. I blame COVID. I do. Why? Because people have become...

Oh, because there's nothing to chat about. People can't speak anymore. In what scenario are they purchased is my question i find it really weird so you either what so you get them as a present of someone so someone's going here go you boring cunt got that for you right listen when i come to your house i don't feel like we talk about anything you know how you're really boring and shit and you can't think of anything to say there's a conversation thing for you or you're buying them yourself going i've just spotted these online you know how you know yeah you know i'm a boring bastard spot of these i'll get these well yeah but people who are boring

bastards they usually don't know that they're boring bastards but then who's well then they don't know that they need the cup and then what the other point is who's by what is the target audience here is my question who's buying them together who's going you know how we never fucking speak should we get these stupid glasses why are you friends see i now i'm starting to think what if it's for people who you know crippled with anxiety and stuff social anxiety to start off a conversation but then like you say you've got to end up in a situation where you've got the guy you know what you know what's really fucking it makes me feel really anxious handing someone a cup and going,

I've got this. It's a conversation starter glass. Yeah, drink with me, right? But don't drink the same amount, right? Don't look, right? What do you want to talk about? I want to talk about how you should fuck off. Tell us your dream holiday first.

It's such a punt. Like, it's such a massive punt. Tell us your dream holiday first it's such a punt it's such a massive punt tell us your dream holiday first it's time for what's your beef what's your beef beef beef

beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef

beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef

beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef

beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef

beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef

beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef beef no visits from random twats not this week no random twats that's nice isn't it

they're all really busy listen don't want to over kill right so they're only floating in and out okay that's not a problem

do you want to go first or do you want me to go first it's up to you I'll go first alright then let's dance just a really short beef this week really short beef just a little one

short beef little thin little thin beef my beef with you this week is every time that we work together and we have to send each other something via airdrop every single time without fail you ask me have you got your airdrop on yeah and chris i don't know how to turn it off so yes i always have my airdrop on my laptop stop asking us alright I don't even

know if you can I think it's something to do with the wifi it's either wifi or bluetooth in all honesty every time I don't understand

the airdrop and I just I'm like have you got it I don't know if do you need the folder open to get it I don't understand

the airdrop it tells you on your screen right if I am in the area it'll come up right why do you have to

every time you know you do it don't you yeah you know that you say it every single time I got your airdrop on come up. Why do you have to... You know you do it, don't you? You know that you say it every single time. I've got your airdrop on. Is it a habit? Do you have to do it? Is something bad going to happen if you don't do it? You don't ask me. No, no, no.

I just need to know you've got your airdrop on. It's never off. But how do I know you've got it on without asking? Because I'll pop up on your thing for you to send it. But what if... If it was off, it wouldn't show up. Right. If my airdrop... No, no, no, no it was off, it wouldn't show up. Right.

If my airdrop... No, no, no, no, no. Shush, shush, shush. If my airdrop was turned off or I wasn't next to you, it wouldn't come up on your screen. Right. So you don't have to ask us

because I'm there. Okay. Do you know there's a delay? So if I open the folder... Oh my... The delay, it's about three seconds. Right.

Do you know what three seconds is? Perfect time to quickly say you've got your eardrop on. Ah, she had put on a microphone on us. Hey, that's a quality setup we've got going on here.

Honestly, stop asking us. Stop asking us. You've not got your microphone, you silly sucker. I'm so annoyed. Okay, my beef with you this week.

Following the narrative, following the narrative. Do we have a narrative? Hmm,. Following the narrative. Following the narrative. Do we have a narrative? There's a narrative in these beefs. Following the narrative. How many? What? Beefs, you said.

Oh, yeah, last week to this week. What was last week? If you let us finish my fucking sentence. Oh, yeah, if you just... I'll tell you. Jesus. Following the narrative from last week's beef where i said something was happening with the lamps in this house viewers of my instagram uh will know not many of them not

not as many as rosie's but yes because i'm not on there flogging any old shite isn't it if you want to if you want an old fridge freezer you don't go on a mind do you you're going on hers to see what's just flogging um oh look at this i made some bread oh yeah honestly keeping the roof over your head ramsey in all honesty the fact that you're now advertising bread is the best thing ever i know you love bread thank you very much i've been invited to the factory yeah the warbidens factory and guess who wants to come sandra no you do oh well i I obviously thought Sandra might as well. Oh, no, I think I'm taking my mum and Rave, maybe.

We'll see. Is she going to bring her school? Oh, God, probably. She wants to have a look around. She's never had processed food. She just eats grass. See, the thing is, I would bring my mum, and I probably will, but my mum's very much, you know, when you get a babysitter.

Yeah. So my mum looks after Rave, but she just ends up getting involved. So actually, i'm like well you might as well not be here well and i might as well just have myself because if you took your mom to any kind so any of these kind of promotional things that you do where if you ever get to go to like a factory like i say where so if you go on the boardman's right for the way they make bread yeah they will have to treat your mom like when people go to the mint for where they make money and they have to weigh them on the way in and the way out

because your mam will go out looking like a fucking doorman like massive big hench and they'll go fuck that mam's big and we go she wasn't that big in the morning no she's just got 40 loaves of bread in her fucking coat when do they go out on a date? Tomorrow but she just took them anyway

can you imagine if you ever took her to some kind of factory and she would just eat she's maybe coming oh has she offered you one of them scones um so yeah so basically what she does is she likes to get like if she normally i obviously i just like cupcakes or snickers or twixers or just like you know chocolate if i'm having i've said it before if i'm having chocolate or a sweet, give us chocolate or a sweet. Don't give us half a sweet with nuts and fruit in it.

Get it out of my fucking face. And I know Snickers have got nuts in, but what I mean is. You want to go with a full hog if you're going to do it. What if I want a cupcake with some icing on it? I don't want to hear someone in the corner of the room go, well, Chris, I've actually got a whole grain fruit loaf. It's got no sugar in, but it tastes like it has. Don't want it get it out of my face. She did it yesterday

she had some scones and she was She's adamant to eat these scones. I don't know if anyone else's mother-in-laws or parents or mothers do this where they just get something and then they just try and get rid of it. They just get like so she got like a load of scones and then she would tell you do you want one of these scones? It was just all day

just getting off on a fucking scone. The annoying thing is though, you'll be making something else, she's going, do you not want one of these scones? I'm like, mum, I can see the scone.

If I'd wanted the scone and I said, can I have that scone? But actually, no, I'm making a sandwich. I don't want your stupid scone. Oh yeah,

she does it all the time. But then you feel bad. But then I'm like, you brought them here. I didn't ask you to bring them scones. Anyway, she's coming with us, I think. In all honesty, I did have one of them scones last night. Oh, were they?

Yeah, yeah. Oh, fair enough. You can have one today if you want, but scone. The scone. Just quick. I know, I got it. I got it. Just checking.

Got it. Just checking. Do you know, just speaking of bread factories. Fucking, what a, what a segue. Speaking of bread factories. There's one right next to my old primary school

in South Shields. I've got what it's called. Annoying. Oh, the bakers. The bakers. Yeah, yeah, yeah. We went, we went on a trip.

Sorry, a school trip to the bakery. Have you told me this? I don't know if you've told me this or not. No, probably not. We went on a school trip to the bakery, right? I swear to God. You know, when you think back, bear in mind, I've got two siblings and we all went on the same trip throughout our

time in primary school. Hold on a second. What's that under the table there? That's a conversation cup. Is this on Dream School Trip? What? No, shut up. I've drank my cup down to Dream and you've drank yours down to School Trip.

Are we talking? Is this what we're doing? No, no. I'm joking, I'm joking. So, we went on the school trip and I remember the smell was just incredible. I'll never forget that smell. The bakery aisle in a supermarket sent me all got given and now when you when

you're an adult you look back and you think why did they do this we all got I'm going to die. Oh, God. Your mum and dad. Your mum and dad are going to be around at the weekend what's on this mantel well look there's a mantel piece that's all the burns as achievements there it's kevin's football trophy there there's kate's there's kate's um there's kate's medal for the talent show there's rosie's door that's a you know it's up there as an achievement because she didn't fucking eat it raw on the bus back, which we thought she would. So we've put it there as a little little well done.

A little trophy for our self-control. Fucking do it on the mantelpiece! Nope, I did because it smelled so good. God, it smelled so good. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah! You're invited to an immersive listening party

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oh my god we got totally sidetracked that was very clever what you just did there we got totally sidetracked all the way through that you try to make me not do my beef

my beef with you this week as i say following from the narrative of last week people who watch my instagram will know that after me saying that you've got too many lamps and something weird's happening with lamps you went out on sunday and bought no fewer than two new lamps and and then two fucking uh lampshades got delivered as well yeah so that's the lamps you got already came with lampshades so i don't know where these new lampshades are going i don't

know what's going on there um last week's episode was called sideboard because you were going on about your sideboard clever little play on words i did there when i was there naming the episode sideboard because you were going on about wanting this sideboard last night the sideboard got delivered yeah and the man brought this sort of antique victorian sideboard in to put it into the hallway he brought it in he stuck it there it's all right it took us a while to get used to because it is quite big and imposing but i'm used to it the most being there there's quite a nice piece of furniture vintage or whatever victorian victorian he put it there antique right he put it there and i went it's a bit big i don't know if it looks right you

said oh it looked right i just need to you know what you have a massive problem you want you keep this it's like this weird little house of cards where another thing is bought but then another lamp is needed but then another lampshade is bought for that lamp and that lamp is taken off but now that lamp and that new lampshade don't now match the thing they're gonna sit on so so that and we're just living in this world of just of light constant just no light none the fuckers are plugged in none of them work no bulbs and off them some of them don't reach the plugs just this world of just lamps and then a thing and then that doesn't go with the thing so then another it's absolutely it's it's it's fucking carnage around here. Sick of it. Well, no, I'm charitying a lot of the lamps from our old house. When?

Soon, soon, soon. Get rid of them. Yeah, all right. Get rid of them. I will. Honestly, it's like, do you know what? I think I've said this. I think I might use this analogy with you before.

You know the movie Signs where it turns out that... Well, it turns out that... I don't want to spoil it for anyone, but it turns out that the little... It's like it's about a 20-year-old. You'd be surprised what people can whinge about on the internet. It turns out that the little girl's leaving glasses of water all over the place because the aliens... It ends up...

You can hit water at them and they die. Yeah. I feel like something's going to happen with lamps in the house. Listen, after the year we've had... We need lamps everywhere. After the year we've had, would you be surprised? I just don't know. That deer head's going to come to life

during the night and the only things that we're going to be able to hit it with are all the lamps. Don't use the nice expensive ones. I'm sorry. Life or death. In one, I can't tell

what's expensive around here or not anymore. It's weird. We've entered a sort of Victorian vintage world where it used to be so simple. Everything that looked new and shiny was expensive

and everything that was old was a piece of shit but now whole life's been turned upside down I don't know what's going on so I'll go can we hide that away

it's old and you go no it's Victorian and I go chairs that don't work things another thing here's another beef

on top of that that sideboard that you've bought it's gargantuan it's massive it's like a coffin nothing in it so that's sad

nothing in it wardrobes there's wardrobes there's dressers there's drawers nothing in any of them i buy things like that for storage you buy them for what they look like but you don't use them no we haven't filled them we haven't filled them with anything yet what are you putting that sideboard bits and bobs pencil and pops do you know what I mean you're an old woman you're an old woman letters pens pencils

nail clippers right we've got two mantelpieces where's the door going is my question it's time for questions from the public guys as always if you want to get in touch it is It's time for questions from the public. Public. Pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop, pop.

Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, it is shagmoudanoid at gmail.com. Please send us your thoughts, your queries, your questions, your tales, your terrible tales. Everything. All of it. All of it. Thank you very much.

But again, say it every week. Can't thank you enough for all of the beautiful things that you send to us. And not so beautiful. I appreciate all of them, so thank you enough for all of the beautiful things that you send to us. And not so beautiful. I appreciate all of them, so thank you. In all shapes and sizes. Okay. Hi, Chris and Rosie.

So here goes. On our honeymoon, my husband Martin and I did a lot of sightseeing, which included huge amounts of walking. I wore stupid shoes most days, in brackets. Don't judge. This was 12 years ago. I've since learned my lesson.

I ended up with huge blisters on both my little toes. Ouch. Oh, little toe blisters, bad. Blisters in general, you know. Yeah. You get to a certain age when you realize that to go on a really long walk, you need sensible shoes, don't you? Yes, there is nothing more sort of cliched than the idea of sensible shoes,

but it is properly, yes. So true. I've got country walking boots now. Bloody love them. You have as well. And I've got wellies. Love them. Don't like a wellie.

Not a fan of a wellie. You can't really walk far in a wellie, but they're very good for just, you know, nipping outside. You can't walk far in a wellie. You can't run from danger in a wellie. Right. And when I broke my ankle, the first thing that the doctor,

no, the triage nurse, when I went in, said was, was this in wellies? Ah, so. And I went, no, wellies are ankle breakers. Dangerous.

Bad wellies. Right, fair enough. Bad. Okay, right. Jesus. Stick your wellies up your arse, is what I'm saying. Waterproof.

Ah, there we go. So she got huge blisters. Yes. On both her toes. Little toes. They were so sore and I couldn't pop them as they were tough little bastards. Oh, God. Couldn't pop them?

No. Oh. So... I'm trying hard enough. On a bench overlooking Alcatraz, my loving husband bit my blisters... Oh, my God! Oh! Oh, my God!

To pop them, relieving the pressure and my stupid shoe choice agony. Oh! Are you all right? Dirty bastard! It's just funny. I think it's romantic. Other people, not so much. My question to you both is,

would you bite each other's blisters? Oh, man. Would you? Would you bite my blisters? Howie, I'm in absolute agony. You know, me dragon feet. Yeah. When the blisters will not penetrate the skin.

What? At first, what were you going to say there? How thick's your skin got to be? Well, I was just about to say that. So at first when you said the wooden pop, I'm like, fucking what? But in my head, she'd gone back to the hotel and she had a pin. But she didn't. She was out.

Exactly. With anything on your person, especially on holiday, you haven't even got car keys on it. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus. Oh, I just got a vision of Saw and a blister there with a car key. Awful. That made us feel ill. Oh, just the skin is poppable enough.

You could just use your nails. She obviously couldn't use her nails. She might not have long nails. She might have sort of thick and soft nails. I don't know. Like when they chew down to the skin. You've got, yeah, fair point. What do you, you don't have anything like that.

Oh, gosh. So he's bit it. So he's bit it. When you put it like that. But then. bite what you're gonna say do you know what happens though this is the thing with blisters right i've had a lot of blisters if you pop it you can't walk on that because then that's just like raw skin it's just flappy you need this you need if you're gonna pop it you need a plaster straight after i mean he's popular i don I mean, he's popped it. I don't know what he's going to,

was he going to pull bits of his shirt off and wrap it around her toes? What happened to the stuff inside? Did that go in his mouth? No. Oh, do you know what certain,

you know, in certain things we go, that's not that bad and we say it and then we get like emails going, that was the worst thing ever. Like the fishbowl. Is that for you?

You're really. This is mine. Yeah. See, this doesn't bother me no you're fine like my mouth's going all wet I'm alright with this talk about sawing bones

and nerves and all that and that's horrible but this I'm alright with this it's just because I know like I'm spotting like they're on a holiday they're walking for miles

they're in San Francisco obviously and it's like probably quite hot my feet are like sweaty and it's oh no thing is

right honestly I do it for the kids I don't think I do it for you you wouldn't bite my blister feet are like sweaty and nah thing is right honestly I'd do it for the kids I don't think I'd do it for you you wouldn't bite my blister yeah you're such a dick I don't think I would

you are such a dick I honestly don't think I would nah I don't know what if I was moaning loads and I had like 10 more miles to walk I'd use a stick or something you'd use a stick

put boiling water on it first you could have used a stick that water on it first you could have used a stick that's a good point you could have snapped the twig and used a little bit can I just add

at the end here that's what she's put at the end might I add I would never return the favour I hate feet brilliant

that's just I mean wow wow you selfish little tall blistered fuck are you

who do you think you are babadoo babadoo babadoo bah hi Chris and Rosie I am currently binge listening to your podcast after my friend Little tall blistered fuck are you? Who do you think you are? Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Hi Chris and Rosie. I am currently binge listening to your podcast after my friend recommended them.

Welcome to the party pal. Hello. So I'm a bit behind but I've just listened to the one where you talk about Rosie's friend licking the chicken breast to get food poisoning and lose weight. Yep.

Classic. Wasn't actually my friend. It was a friend of a friend. But anyway. Until we said it on the podcast that was written in my phone for ages because I couldn't find a way to get it to stand up. So good.

Thankfully, it just dropped straight into the podcast. Quite nice. Someone here said, I think I have a worse story. No. No. No. A friend of mine is an air stewardess

and one of her colleagues was hoping to lose a bit of weight by getting food poisoning on a trip to India. Hoping. Hoping. Hoping to lose a bit of weight. I am off to India trip to India. Hoping. Hoping? Hoping to lose a bit of weight. I am off to India. Looking forward to seeing the sights and everything.

More looking forward to getting the shit. Hopefully, fingers crossed. Yeah, got a dress to fit in, actually. Oh, God. So, yeah. Worried that eating a few spicy meals wouldn't be enough to guarantee food poisoning.

Wouldn't be enough. She spent the whole day walking around the city, then went back to her hotel room and licked her flip-flop. I thought you were going to say... The bottom of it. No, not yet. I get it. I don't want to part your fucking lick. I don't want to part your lick, Rosie.

Awful. What do you think I was going to say? What? You were going to say what I was going to say drank from the tap alright no no no she licked she went she went so many

more steps do you know what I mean I would never have guessed that you could have put a gun to me head should have been a Rosie's mystery

I would never have got licked her flip flop yeah that is fucking repulsive licked her flip flop licked her flip-flop. Yeah. That is fucking repulsive. Licked her flip-flop. Licked her flip-flop.

First of all, spent all day walking around the city in flip-flops. Again, get some sensible shoes on. What are you doing walking? On holiday,

we all take flip-flops to pop to the shop and back. Do you know what I mean? To pop to the pool bar and back or whatever. Pop down the beach and back in your flip-flops. Don't go on a full excursion

of the city all day in just your flip-flops. And don't be sitting listening to this now going, oh, but my feet get hot. You're disgusting. You're going to bars. You're going to restaurants.

You're going on probably little buses and stuff and putting your manky bare foot up on the seat in front of you. Wear some sensible shoes. Chris just doesn't like feet. No, I'm not that bothered about feet. It's got nothing to do

with sensible shoes. No, but I just, no, because I just, again, what if you're out during the day in India and you have to run from danger? You've got your flip-flops on. So anyway, do you want to hear what happened?

Yeah, do I? Oh, it's his. Unfortunately, she ended up getting a lot more than food poisoning and landed herself in hospital. The doctors couldn't understand how she had managed to contract so many different illnesses. And kept asking her what she had been

in contact with. Everything. She was too embarrassed to say it first but after a few tests she eventually had to admit what she had done. The hospital staff

were quite rightly horrified and said she was lucky to be alive. Wow. Wow. They musthmm. Wow. So they must have just... Well, I'm not being funny. This has got nothing even to do with being abroad.

Anyway. You lick your shoe when you've been anywhere. There'll be, like, dog feces on there. Oh, my God. There'll be, like, just... Oh, my goodness. Disgusting. I can't...

I'm speechless. I don't know what to say. Licking a flip like she got like all of the illnesses like thanos yeah she'll probably have to have injections and everything you know grim that isn't it well you know what it is you would be ill if you did it here as well but it's the thing of it with it being a foreign country it's different you know immune systems and different things and you know not your so yeah worse i mean don't do it anyway but definitely don't i might send this in the government because you know, immune systems and different things and, you know, not your... So, yeah, worse. I mean, don't do it anyway, but definitely don't...

I might send this in to the government because you know what's been going on this whole year, COVID-19. No one really knows. I mean, she should be put on a travel ban list. Well, I think this is where it might have started. Yeah, I think this person should not be allowed to travel anywhere ever again. Yeah.

Definitely not allowed to lick any shoes. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hiya, Chris and Rosie. I recently heard a story and needed your take on it The story goes as follows Like most women, I had spent years fascinating about my wedding day So when my fiancé asked me to marry him

last year, I was over the moon Fascinating Fantasising Brilliant Fantasizing. Brilliant. Oh, shit. I thought you meant putting the hat on. You know the hat? I thought that's what it meant with wedding. What are they called?

Fascinators. Fascinators. Yeah, yeah. What did I say? Fascinating. I'd spent years fascinating. I'd spent years fascinating about my wedding day. I thought you meant the hat. Oh, yeah, man.

I am so tired. I just can't remember when I didn't feel like this., yeah, man. I am so tired. Right, okay. I just can't remember when I didn't feel like this. Right, okay. So anyway, she's fantasised over it. Right, okay. They're very similar.

So when my fiancé asked me to marry him last year, I was over the moon. I spent hundreds of hours arranging and planning our perfect day. Got you. Our prefect day.

Little did I know that my fiancé and the best man had arranged a prank. Oh God. When it came down to anyone objecting to the wedding

the best man stood up and said he objected. Anyone who knows anything about weddings knows that regardless if this was a joke or not

the wedding cannot go forward if objected. Shut up, really? Is that a thing? Apparently so. I always cough. It's my thing.

It's me little... Just let everyone know there's a comedian in the room. Just to let you guys know, it's horrible to sit next to him. Because he does it every fucking wedding. Every wedding. And then everyone looks and goes... And I go,

you fucking pillock. And I go, that's right. Bring yourself in. You all knew what you got when you invited Chris Ramsey to this wedding

always on bitches I shout as I'm removed as I'm removed from the wedding you know one of my beefs was how you turned

your wedding speech into a fucking show one man show disgusting bloody good show that bloody good show awful most of it

I had to personally pay to do a show yeah normally I it's up there with it's up there with doing an Edinburgh run and no one turning up

and losing all my money they only laugh because you are giving them free food also put a free bar on that that is true so anyway

so the wedding cannot go forward if I object that's amazing so I didn't know that so even if someone for a joke says I object they can't go forward

I think it's it's down to the discretion of the person marrying you what are they called uh maria they're called fascinating maria it's up to them what are they called depends it could be a priest or well i know but the registrar could be registered or a priest yeah it depends what you're doing yeah so the prank was that he stands up and says i object yeah and then it says here so despite the best man and my fiancé saying it was a prank, we could not get married as intended.

Got you. Oh, can you imagine? I was devastated. There's all the money for catering, the venue, everything was now out the window and non-refundable. No way. How far does this go? What?

What do you mean? So he stands up, he says, I object, but then do they not go, why? Well, I think they've just gone, no. Well, we're not doing it then. No mean i'm not being funny right apparently apparently i did google it and it's up to the registrar they can say whether they wanted to go forward or not whether they go all right okay but he's obviously said no yeah he's obviously said no because i'm not being funny if that's your job every day and some pillock just stands up going i object and then they go it's a joke you. You go, no, fuck you.

Yeah, right. No. Yeah, mate, I've got to be 45 minutes away from here and you're taking the piss. I'm so confused. Let's call the whole thing off. They've just called it off. What?

Called the wedding off because somebody did a joke pranking. Yeah. I can't believe it. Says here, my was soon to be sister-in-law had arranged an after party at her house for us. Instead of going,

I walked down the aisle to the door on my own and took off from complete embarrassment and disappointment would love to know what each of you

would have done in this situation I don't believe this surely you would have said I object and they would have gone why and he goes

I'm just joking so what's happened but then the person do you not listen the person who married him has gone well right now you've said it now

like a teacher well you're all in detention yeah like fuck off you're not getting your wedding ruined you don't think it's happened I think she's a quitter

I don't there's not enough detail in this story for me I think right she hasn't given enough detail but I'm reading between the lines right

I think he's literally being like I object and then the guy's gone why and he's like well I'm not happy with this. And blah, blah, blah. And it's gone on for like half an hour.

Surely it has to be a reason. And then they've gone, oh, it's a joke. And the guy's gone, well, you took it too far. So no, no wedding here. Could have been that. That's what I think. I think if they're already married, if someone, that's the instant cancellation.

If you go, I object because I'm already married. Well, we're not divorced. They go, you can't get married then. Something like that. But they've done it as a joke. And then the joke has, you know, it object because I'm already married to her. We're not divorced. They go, you can't get married then. Something like that. But they've done it as a joke. And then the joke has, you know, it's gone too far. Lads, stop making it out like the wedding is your day.

It's not your day. Don't be pranking. Don't be fannying on. No. The ladies, I don't want to sound antiquated and old-fashioned here. But when I watch that bloomin' Don't Tell the Bride or whatever, and he goes, oh, great, I am definitely going to have it at my favourite football stadium. You're a fucking idiot.

It's going to backfire. I get so annoyed watching that programme. I'm going to go on the pitch at half time. She's going to get spat on. Don't do it. Do you know what? I get annoyed with that programme. It's a very good programme.

I've watched it for years. But, right, I never understand when the lasses get really upset, right? And they're like, I can't believe he's done this. And they're devastated, right? And the bridesmaids are kicking off. And I'm like what did you

what did you think would happen did you think he would just do you honestly think that would be good telly oh he has

12,000 pounds just honestly arrange the perfect marriage and we're just all gonna watch it no I think there's a bit

of sneaky TV producing going on there I think there's someone in the brides yeah going we've pointed him in the right direction. Don't you worry about it.

Do you think? Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, he wanted, you know, he wanted football stage and we said no.

Why not? So don't worry. And then she gets there and it's fucking box and ring. Like it's worse. See, I've always said

if I was to go on there, say if me and you went on there, right, I'd be like, either, like two options. I would tell you everything.

I'd be like, right, book this this this and this right okay they must know there must be something

to go on there they must know or the other flip side of the coin is right just go mental and we'll just have him in day yeah yeah literally just whatever

you want to do it's when they have them out of bloody planes and that man and then the last goes I don't want to and the man's like oh I thought you'd love this

like really yeah we're skydiving in why yeah yeah just yeah that would be if I wanted to do And then the last goes, I don't want to. And the man's like, oh, I thought you'd love this. Like really. Yeah. We're skydiving in. Yeah. Why? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just. Yeah.

That would be, if I wanted to do the worst, all right, here's the thing. Think of the worst, we're both on Don't Tell the Bride, right? We're both on Don't Tell the Bride. You're on Don't Tell the Groom,

I'm on Don't Tell the Bride. Okay. I've got the plan. Right. I've got the plan. A wedding for you. The worst wedding, right? Yeah.

And you've got to plan the worst wedding for me. Okay. Right? Let's have a little tiny little break in the recording now. Think of it, right? Can't wait. Have a think. Let's go.

Okay. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Right, I've got mine. Right. I got mine almost straight away. Okay, I've got mine. Right, okay. Do you want to go first?

I'll go first. I'll go first. Okay, so our wedding is held in the messiest house that you can ever imagine right you can't even see the floor it's that messy okay um everybody there who you who you hate is there every single person every reviewer who's ever give you less than you know five stars they're all there good good luck finding any they hate your stand-up they hate everything that you're about right or everyone who's ever trolled you online is there that is that is basically oh my god you Well, good luck finding any there. They hate your stand-up. They hate everything that you're about, right?

Or everyone who's ever trolled you online, is there? That is basically... Oh, my God. You know, that's it, right? Everyone's doing it. The professors at the minute with COVID, them two are marrying me. Whitney and Valence, them two are marrying me. I saw that on the broadcast.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. On the COVID briefing they're marrying and it's a dry it's a dry bar there's no alcohol being served at all

for the full day and the full night oh oh no yeah oh so what's mine that's pretty good

yours is right yours is yeah we're skydiving in horrible right i already hate it we're skydiving in right um but we skydive and then we land on like a big crane platform right right oh my height yeah yeah so we skydive from high then we land on like this massive crane it's almost like a giant oil rig right i've shit myself twice right we then bungee jump from the oil rig horrible right yeah and from the oil where we bungee jump down and we land on top of newcastle time bridge no no on the platform right so that's if you just the scale the money i've spent on this so there's a basically there's a giant platform hundreds of feet above Newcastle Bridge.

For anyone who doesn't realise, I am terrified of heights. It's not just heights though, because I could say we're going to the top Empire State Building and that wouldn't bother you as much. It's the fear of falling, we've talked about before. Yeah, it's a building, so it needs to be some kind of like a rickety platform. So I'm on all fours at the minute.

Yeah, which is good that you're on all fours on this platform because all of the guests are dogs and cats. So you're down there. Oh, I'm in hell. I'm actually in hell. They're going mental. They're untrained. I'm in hell. I'm actually in hell. They're going mental. They're untrained. I'm so scared.

They're untrained and they all hate each other. And you've got, your dress is made of meat. This is horrible. Dearly beloved. There's wind blowing and you're shaking. We are gathered here. It's fucking madness madness that's horrible and then when we're finished

yeah we then bungee jump off the bridge into the water great great awful so guys

if the guys from don't tell the bride are listening and you're doing a renewing the vows episode see if you can get your budget to sort that out babadoo babadoo babadoo chris and rosie just a quickie

not know what that means uh this this is ridiculous this question by the way is there a film that you have never seen the end of because you always end up shagging ours is wolf of wall street there's a film i've never seen the end of because i always fall asleep yeah pirates of the caribbean you never seen the end no word of a lie i've tried to watch pirates of the caribbean the first one easily six times and fell asleep six times and just thought oh i'm at the point now where i'm like i kind can't. I would, you know, I like a big epic action kind of movie like that. I'd actually, I would watch the Pirates of the Caribbean movies

because I've never seen them. Well, listen, we can put it on, but I'm sorry. Yeah, actually, it's really funny you should say that because that is my film that I just can't watch because I always end up shagging. I can't get to the end of Pirates of the Caribbean. Try and keep it down, then I'll be a kip. I can't get to the end of Pirates of the Caribbean.

Try and keep it down, then I'll be a kip. Hey, listen, we say it every week and he's probably going to repeat it, but thank you so much for coming back week after week and listening to it. So passive aggressive. And he's probably going to repeat it. And he's probably going to add guys on the end

because that's what he does. Wow. And then, yeah. But thanks for listening to Shagmarianoid which is now part of the ACAST creator network thank you

guys I'm really self conscious about me guys now oh guys hey guys it can't be said enough thank you so much for listening

as always if you want to get in touch at shagmarianoid at gmail.com the Shagmarianoid socks have just dropped on the merch website oh my word

if you've got a birthday coming up or anything like that get yourself a pair of little shag married annoyed socks I've got mine on now they're bloody lovely bloody comfy indeed

guys thank you so much we'll be back in the years next week bye to her to her we're on to her we're fucking going on to her

money gives a shit no no fuck the socks we're going on to her I'm not being funny socks will not pay for the mortgage. Yes, the tour dates are on sale for December.

Every single seat is now gone in the September run. The odd little bits that were left have now gone. So in December, we are hitting a multitude of arenas all around the UK. We have got London's O2, Nottingham's Motorpoint, Liverpool M&S Bank, Sheffield Arena, Glasgow SSA Hydro, Aberdeen P&G Live, Birmingham Utility, Manchester AO Arena, Leeds First Direct Arena selling fast, we'll see you there

see you there guys, bye guys you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishikesh Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play.

Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.