Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 117. Festering Bowl of Bolognese

Episode Date: May 21, 2021

Chris and Rosie are arguing and they're sorry. They talk syncing, catching lambs and queuing at Pizza Hut. Plus there's chicken tikka masala flavoured beef.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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For tickets, visit tso.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag My D with me rosie ramsey and my husband chris ramsey who currently just loves to take days off when actually he's got stuff to do just loves to take a day off doesn't get the stuff he needs to do listen there's no in my life there's no such thing as a day off i literally don't have time to wipe my ass i've said this to you earlier on what was what you rang me last night you were putting me off to bed you rang me to go and get your stuff what was i doing i was wiping my ass i were putting Rafe to bed, you rang me to go and get your stuff. What was I doing? I was wiping my arse.

I was literally wiping my arse on your phone. I mean, you say wiping your arse, you say you don't get time to wipe your arse, but you get time to shower your arse after every shit that you have. That's another story.

So that's a lie. No, no, that was it. So yes, I was so pressed for time, I couldn't even shower like I normally do, like a clean human. I had to use paper, like a caveman.

Like a caveman. Do you want to tell everybody that you had to have a little shower before bed wipe your monkey arse I wasn't comfortable I can't honestly if I've just used paper

I'm very aware of the fact that I've just used paper disgusting bring the three seashells out as quick as you can because I'm sick of this absolutely sick of it so yeah

there we go do you want to tell do you want to tell everyone listen right on the subject of you being a dick, right? Right, always. Are we going in this vein today?

We are currently doing this podcast because I can't even wait until the intro's over. I can't even hold back. We are currently doing this podcast in a room that fucking smells like Frankie and Benny's because the worst colleague on earth opposite me here, when I came in, let's be honest,

it's the smallest room in the house, this podcast studio. Right, okay. And my office. Funny that, innit? Funny that you've got the big room. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I came in and's be honest it's the smallest room in the house this podcast studio and my office funny that innit funny that you've got the big room yeah yeah yeah

and I came in and what were you doing you were eating a bowl of bolognese in the smallest room ever when we were about to sit here for two hours and do a podcast

you antisocial bastard you're that kind of person if you work in an office who just brings like leftover curry and kebab and stuff in and heats them in the communal microwave

you animal horrendous it stinks in here now, by the way. How can you smell a Bolognese and not want Bolognese? My mum's made a batch downstairs. Yeah, and I'll wait later because I've got self-control.

I'm not a massive pig. I knew that we had a podcast to do so I didn't bring a bowl of Bolognese up to the room that I'm going to work in. Doesn't bother me. I can tell. I can tell. You've got a lovely little Bolognese up to the room that I'm going to work in. Doesn't bother me. I can tell. I can tell. You've got a lovely little Bolognese, Tom.

Full as a gun. Honestly. Satisfied. Do you have set of candles or poor puree in your office? No, I just take a ball of Bolognese in and let it... I can see it now. It's on the floor, festering. You're a...

Honestly. Honestly, shut up. Let's crack on. Gosh. Can I do the jingle? No, because we haven't said what episode it is yet and we haven't had our lucrative sponsor. How will people get through the day?

Come on, then. We'll start on Negovise. But listen, it's episode 117. Is it? Very excited. Yes, indeed. Very excited. Guys, as always, thank you so much for coming back.

We love yous to bits. And without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is them little sponges that you use to wash your dishes with hey it's hard on one side soft on the other side oh why is it soft why is it soft on that side what you're doing why are you being so delicate we are oh the other side oh the other side is too hard oh get a new one out the packet oh two knew that one wash looks like you've washed a dead body with it throw it away get a new one again fucking mental what are they called don't know hate them literally they get out and it's like it's like perfect it's like pristine it's like got edges on it and you use it once and it looks like you've cleaned a murder

scene with it yeah it does and then you've got to get rid of it i hate well you don't get rid of it after one well no you gotta like wash it you've got like you end up washing the sponge it's ridiculous i know i don't know why we buy them one usage. Well, no, you've got to, like, wash it. You've got to, like, end up washing the sponge. It's ridiculous. I know. I don't know why we buy them. What happened to a dishcloth? Well, they fucking stink as well. We've got a dishcloth that we use for the coffee machine,

and it absolutely stinks of, like, manky milk all the time. Can't win, babe. I wash that more than I wash the bloody cups. Mm-hmm. True. I've been in this house for too long. Get me back on tour. You've never even noticed stuff like that. Domestic gripes.

I'm sick. Get me back on tour tour get you back on tour oh god we're going on tour together we are going on tour together and we just want to remind you again that there's still tickets

available the world is going back to normal fingers crossed everything crossed everything crossed everything crossed I've crossed my toes I'm gonna get cramped

if you'd like to come see us on tour then get yourself a ticket yes yes tickets are genuinely selling fast. And there might be people sitting out there going, I'll just wait. If you wait, they might be gone.

Yeah. So there you go. I think we should have a jingle round about now. I think so too. Here's the jingle. You've rabbited on for too long. Grab it. Grab it.

Grab it. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle We hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba

Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed. Just want to quickly apologise. Hey, I'm sorry as well. I'm sorry. I'm sorry too. Sorry Chris. I'm sorry.

We shouldn't start off the introduction being like really angry with each other and passive aggressive because it's just it must be awful to listen to i like to think like so if you ever um you know some people obviously we'll talk about how people listen to this in all different forms of life while they're doing different things i like to think that sometimes have you ever been on a run or doing some kind of exercise or doing something or even driving and like a rocky song or something comes on and you end up going like faster yeah i like to think that when we're like having a prep i go at each other someone's watering their dog with real fucking venom in their steps do you know what i mean yeah heal your come on so if that's you

i apologize we both apologize let's start again let's start again a fresh start afresh let's start again yes we can't be too fresh because you know there's a festering ball of Bolognese in the corner but we'll pretend it's fresh right

there you go there you go sorry do not push me because you know what's happening at the minute oh god

I warned you last week and it's on this week it's on it's on like Donkey Kong she's there it's that time of the month it's that time of the month

and I just want to sing a little song dead quickly for my other flow sisters. Hey sister, go. Sister, soul. Sisters, flow. Sisters, hey.

Sister, go. Sister, soul. Sisters, flow. Sisters, where are my flow sisters? Hear me hear your go, sisters. If you are on your period as well, that's for you. We're so in sync brilliant you did you know

that happens have we mentioned this before i have always found it a phenomenon uh very strange very very that that is it true that they can sync genuinely true if women live together chris i've got no idea i've got no idea if live together, they start having their periods at the same time. So strange. How fast does it happen? It takes a little while. So like one will be early and one will be late. And then what if like,

what if one starts being early and the other one's like, what if they're basically, so it happens every month, once a month, right? So what if they say, let's say it works for a week or whatever. I don't know what I'm talking about here. But say they're three weeks apart from each month, right? So what if they say, let's say it works for a week or whatever. I don't know what I'm talking about here.

But say they're three weeks apart from each other, right? So they're exactly, so imagine it's a track, a running track or a racing track. They're exactly half of the track away from each other. So they're at opposite ends of the month. What if one starts going a bit earlier and going, oh, I'll let that one catch up. But the other period goes, oh, but I was doing that as well. I was going early to let you catch up. And then they have to go the other way. I don I was doing that as well I was going early to let you catch up and then they have to go

the other way I don't think they talk to each other don't think they go oh here sniff I don't think they sniff another period out

if I'm honest there must be a way of doing it I think it's a myth I don't think it happens it's not a myth it's genuinely true and I have no idea how it happens

I'll find out for next week I can't be arsed right now look forward to that everyone it does happen and it's really strange but it takes a good few months to happen right okay yeah right right and then there you go i think personally i think it's so to keep kind of like the human race going if that makes sense no come on because i'm i'm in the mood for a crackpot theory I don't know if everyone else is I'm in the mood for a load of bollocks

come on Rosie let's have a load of bollocks if you are living in a house with so in my house growing up there was three women and two men okay we all synced I think at some point I was too young I didn't really give a shit I was out drinking smoking whatever I didn't have oh my on your period

and all great thanks didn't give a shit back then but you know when I got a bit older I think we did chat about it a couple of times I think it was so that we were all on

at the same time to give kind of like my brother and my dad a break from the whole you know right and how does that keep

the whole human race so we didn't kill them oh right okay then but no but you're all angry at the same time if your theory yes i know but if one of it would have been like that i had no break at all yeah but your theory falls apart

because if one of yours was on and the other two weren't the other two could have comforted that one whereas you have just basically there's an army of three fucking lunatics on one go so your theory yeah i mean i was prepared for it to be bollocks i wasn't prepared to be able to kick a hole in it that quickly but i don't know but i mean it might be somethingllocks. I wasn't prepared to be able to kick a hole in it that quickly. Fair enough. Well, I don't know what I'm talking about. But, I mean, oh gosh. It might be something to do with that. Looking back, you know, there was something over my shoulder.

Do you know what I love about you? What? Sorry, just keep that thought there what you're about to say, but I love that. I don't know if anyone's noticed while he's listening to this podcast over the years,

but I will literally, I can literally just start, I'll say one lyric and you have to just, like, it's bizarre, guys. Like, we can be in a real blazing argument in the house and I can start singing and you'll join in. It's crazy.

I do love it. I really like singing. I absolutely love it. Yeah. Just tee up and you just go. You start very low, though. So you did that and I... Oh, come on.

Oh, come on. It's not a... Come on, man. There's not a crowd. There's not a... Every day is an X factor. Whatever. So what I was saying was, I do remember, looking back, Come on, it's not a... Come on, man, there's not a crowd. Every day is an X Factor, whatever. So what I was saying was, I do remember, looking back,

when we were all on our period at the same time, I mean, it was carnage. It was awful. The fights. Like, the fights were terrible. When people tell me about their children now fighting, I always comfort them with, yeah, me and my sister were horrific. Right.

Shocking, Chris. Shocking. I'm dreading it, boys. A proper fight fight. Oh, well, actually, not really scrapping, scrapping. There wasn't really much physical between each other. But we would throw anything. Just an object. Name something.

Remote control. Hair dryer. Hair dryer? I have hoed a hair dryer off my sister before. Did you pick up the hair dryer and throw it and leave loose? Yeah. Right. Rookie mistake.

Oh, what? Keep hold of it. Keep hold of the cable. Keep hold of the cable. Spin it round. Right, okay. Oh, wow. Causing serious fucking damage.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Take a couple of people out. Yeah, all of them. Windmill. Jeez, honestly. Honestly, if only I'd met you earlier. Take a couple of people out. Yeah, all of them. Windmill. Jeez, honestly, I wish I... Honestly, if only I'd met you earlier. If only we'd have known. Can you imagine?

Can you imagine? Just gone, well, come on then. Just picking up a... Just... Please come around. What happened, Rosie? Got the hairdryer again. Let loose.

It's carnage. She's left it plugged in it hurts and I'm hot oh my god do you have I ever told you that I

I electrocuted myself with a hair dryer when I worked in Greece right have I told you this no did you when it happened

did you lose a lot of your vocabulary because that would make sense that would be why you don't know any words maybe I went to plug it in and the plug was broke so I went to plug it in and then I was broke. So I went to plug it in

and I had electricity that went all through and it threw us on my bed. Wow. Honestly. Somebody came around and I had to have a cup of sugar with water

because I was in shock. In shock. Literally. Weren't a doctor then, were they? No. It's a pity that person wasn't there with you trying to plug the hairdryer

in at the same time because you would have swapped bodies and been able to have loads of hijinks. Like Freaky Friday? Yeah, you'd be able to swap bodies. You look like a Greek bloke, he

looks like an English girl. That would have been fun. I'm sure it was Michael, so I'd have been a gay man for a day.

Loads of fun. Just stayed in, played with a tiddler. That's what you would do, isn't it? We have talked about this before.

If I had a tiddler, I'd have just played with it all day. I would have. What would you do? Oh, I don't know. Honestly, that's the thing. People will go off

and go, body fire the day out, staying and just look in the mirror and where? You wouldn't. You'd have a breakdown. You'd be in the wrong body. You'd look in the mirror.

You'd freak out. You'd lose your mind. You'd be sick. You'd shake. You'd think it was a dream. You'd keep trying to wake up. And then, you know, the 24 hours would be over before you knew it and you'd be back mind you'd be sick you'd shake you'd think it was a dream you'd keep trying to wake up and then you know the 24 hours would be over before you knew it and you'd be back in your own body and you go yeah it was a dream and that would be that that would be that realism i get i always hate it in a film when you're watching it

and you're like you'd be more freaked out i always enjoy a film or a series or whatever when they really take a long time of freaking out and i go that's that's more believable to me yeah when they just get on with it it's a bit weird when they when they go oh oh and then they're like oh let's just get on with i'm like no no no no no no no you've lost us you've lost us there i'm sorry i can't get on board with this i need at least a good 20 minutes of you freaking out about what's happened and then i'll be like right okay it's happened fair enough I've been electrocuted once. Have you? Yeah, by an electric fence in a field. No. I was in a pub.

What? Yeah, I was in a pub. I don't know this. Oh, a new story. Come on. So I was in a pub. It was actually the Millhouse pub on the way to... Gateshead.

Yeah, on the way to the Metro Centre from South Shields, if anyone knows it. And there was like a gig outside. I think it's called the Mill Tavern. Oh, I don't give a fuck. Mill. It's called the Mill. The Mill.

You know, often if you're on the way to the Metro Centre, you're often stuck in traffic outside it. Yeah. I think it's just been Mill Tavern. Ah, don't give a fuck. A mill. It's called the mill. The mill. You know, often if you're on the way to the metro centre, you're often stuck in traffic outside it. Yeah. I think it's just been revamped. Big shout. Anyway, there was a marquee thing outside years ago, and my mates were playing in the band there, and I was slightly drunk while watching them,

and there was a horse in the field, and I went over to go and stroke the horse, and I didn't realise that the fence was electric. Fucking hurts, like. Oh, so did you walk into the fence? I put my hand on it. Oh, my God. I put my hand on top of the fence was electric. Fucking hurts, like. So did you walk into the fence? I put my hand on it. Oh my God. I put my hand on top of the fence.

It feels like someone punching you. Really? Yeah, it's really, it's really quick. And it's just, it felt like, and I just was like, oof, my immediate thing was to turn around and see if anyone saw it. Did anybody see it? I went back and I was just, it's so busy up, like. I wouldn't recommend it, but a little.

Was there no sign? Yeah, which I spotted afterwards. You moron. I mean, yeah. I realised afterwards that I was like, okay, yeah, that's it. I don't touch fences in fields. I don't touch fences in fields. No, as a rule, because I'm always just worried about that.

Somebody told me about electric fences once, and I was like, well... It's not enough to, like, kill a human. It's just to keep the animals away. It's just like a quick zap. Chris, I used to work at the gadget shop shop and i never tried any of the electricity games no absolutely not no wait what was that called again can't remember does everyone so if anyone who doesn't have read the book the shagmari no book still available um you did rosie had the best job in the world rosie worked at the gadget shop and stood at the front testing all the all

the toys i did and you had to dress up as the big inflatable sumo. I did. I did that on a daily basis. I used to go into work and play on the dance machines where you used to follow the arrows. I got very good at that actually. I bet you did. And also

one of my favourite parts of the job was when somebody came to the counter to buy blowjob vouchers, I used to shout at the front of the shop going came to the counter to buy blowjob vouchers, I used to shout at the front of the shop going, have we got any more blowjob vouchers? Sorry, blowjob vouchers? Yeah, we used to sell blowjob vouchers. What?

Yeah. So it's a voucher that you, I think, as a woman or, well, whoever, if you want to give a blowjob, you would buy your partner blowjob vouchers. Right. And you'd be like, there, I'll give you a blowjob you would buy your partner blowjob vouchers right

and you'd be like there I'll give you a blowjob right you can redeem that motherfucker when you want a blowjob that's awful isn't it

actually how much looking back that is the worst thing in the world strange thing to buy like a bloke coming in on his own

thinking he's beat the system buy these for the wife buy these I'll just give her them yeah yeah yeah I'll just give her them yeah yeah yeah just give her them as if yeah i'm gonna hand this in yeah it's legal tender it's legal tender you've got to take it it's like a check it's awful actually when i now i look back so how regularly did people buy this is fascinating how regularly that's that was the me joke that was my little

joke that i used to do so i used to shout it like restocking the blowjob voucher so that everyone in the shop would know the person at the counter was buying blowjob vouchers that's really good that's a bit of a dick that's really good can you remember years ago when um the world's like it was i don't know what volume it was but when the first ever world's best a guitar album came out and it said on the on the advert free a guitar with every copy and people were kicking off in hmv because they wanted their A guitar are you joking no

I didn't know that it was in the news that's ridiculous that just reminded us of that so it was like the best A guitar album ever volume one free A guitar

with every album and people were like in HMV going well it says free A where's the A guitar and you go fucking there it is

you've got it it's on your back oh you've dropped it it's on your back I you've dropped it it's on your back I've got it now fucking idiots A guitar's a class isn't it

no honestly what good fun mine's rubbish I've got an A I've got an A like what I don't even know what instrument it is

I just know when something comes on it's like she's putting her fingers to her mouth you put your thumb in your mouth and you kind of go...

What is that? A saxophone. Saxophone. I've got... Did you just say the sentence? I've got an air saxophone. You're just as bad as the people in the shop. You're an idiot.

Right. Honestly, I'm tired today. Yeah? It's going to be... I'm sorry. I apologise in advance. Probably all that red meat you had just before we just before we started well I'm steak for tea as well

great wow oh hey listen oh hey bleed me up Scotty that's that's all I'm just replacing

all of the blood that I'm losing oh stop it oh hey babadoo babadoo babadoo so I had a big day yesterday did you now I was on my peloton you had a big day doing F all Chris Oh, stop it. Oh, hey. So I had a big day yesterday. Did you now?

I was on my Peloton. You had a big day doing F all, Chris. Excuse me, I think you'll find I'm the saviour of the local wildlife. I think you'll find it. I think you'll find I'll be getting a cape in the post. Here he is. I was on my exercise bike, right? Where's York? I was on my exercise bike.

Of course you were. You live on it. Yeah, damn right I do. Bike guy, right? And then you came in and you were like my mom's at the bottom of the road just says there's a lamb escaped from a field will you go and help and at first i was like well i'm on my exercise bike and i was like actually it'll be quite good exercise so i ran out of the house and down down the hill and uh caught the

little lamb didn't i went and put it back in the field you did no word of a lie nearly broke my ankle doing it again. If you'd have broke your ankle again, catching that lamb, I'd have chopped your foot off. It was so fast. Was it? It was so fast, yeah.

Tiny little lamb. It was on the side of the road and I thought, I've got to make sure you're all right. And I looked in the field to see what painting it had, like the colour, it's got like a number on the side. Right.

Ran after it, ended up in someone's garden, chasing it. It went under a fence and I thought it had got electrocuted because it just lay there and I was like have you just been zapped

but it was actually just knackered and I was like you're tiring I was like you're gonna tire I actually said to it I went you're gonna tire before me while I was looking at it which was weird

I eventually got it carried it like a baby all the way back once it was in my arms it wasn't arsed it was just like it gave in it was like

oh here we go I carried it stunk absolutely fucking stunk just shit and lamb and field and grass and mud and really weird though yeah carried it back put it in the field realized that that might not be the right field right so i thought it might actually have to go in the other one because the other ones look a bit smaller this might not be its ma'am okay got a bit too confident walked into the field going i'll go and get it back the bigger sheep walk towards us shat myself had to leave the field sheep are scary they're fucking massive they are they're absolutely massive i'm not fighting these

guys yeah it was um see if the phone the farmer said i've put you i've put your lamb back and he said genuinely well done on catching it oh wow very much well done so was it with its mom yeah it's back in there with its mom now, having a lovely little time. Good stuff. Your mom said the weirdest thing in the world. She said to me, genuinely, as I was carrying the lamb, she said, you know when you were carrying that little lamb, I was salivating thinking about having some lamb for me too. Yes you did.

Did you? I was like, you're a fucking, first you're bringing skulls back, now you're salivating over baby lambs, you psycho. Wow. Yeah, good day for me though. That's a pure meat eater there, right? Old school. Old school meat eater.

Honestly, I'm going to have to go and keep her away from the lambs. She's going to be after them. Thing is though, you're in the country now, that's a crack. Well, to be fair to your mum, she does use the entire thing. She eats it, then she uses its fucking skeleton as an ornament. That's a deer. Ah, you're bashing it's whatever

it's not picking babadoo babadoo babadoo so obviously we still have Rafe in our bedroom with us on a night time

yep he's only four months old so he's still we've had to put his big cot in because he's just massive

doesn't fit in his snooze pod anymore but em do you know what I really miss what I know

when you're a parent you have to sacrifice a lot of things and you know your time changes and? What? I know when you're a parent, you have to sacrifice a lot of things and, you know, your time changes and blah, blah, blah. Kids come first and all that. I really miss putting a light on

when I go to bed. Yeah, I know what you mean. Do you know what I mean? We can either put a phone on or, weirdly, I turn the little milk prep machine on. That's got a really bright light on. Or we've got this weird little lantern,

this baby lantern thing you know what's really pissing me off at the minute what the whispered arguments we have to have while he's asleep in the room I know

in the dark it's so annoying because you can't see each other's face yeah because you're like that but then one of you is right next to the baby so the person who's

next to the baby the other one's whispering so you've got the baby noise on you and the other one goes and you go what and you go what and we just we just argue constantly whispered passive-aggressive as fuck in the dark and i hate it i'm sick i'm honestly sick of it well what we're gonna do he's got to be in there for the two months but then the minute you talk full volume he's like morning you're like no no no it's not morning it's three o'clock in the fucking morning yeah because god forbid you you raise your voice slightly and he's like

the noises babies make babies are so they're just fucking i've said i've done it before me stand up and i think i've spoke about it on a show once but they're just pricks. They're so... When you think about it though because they've got no social graces. They don't know about sharing or courtesy for others.

They are just the most selfish beings in the world. They're literally like I'm hungry! Ah! Like, can you imagine screaming? Can you imagine

walking through the shops on your way to like... I'm starving! Imagine sitting in like the queue for the drive-thru sitting there going Jesus what's wrong with him he rips me chips

what's wrong with him he's just really fucking hungry you fucking pricks you're all fucking pricks I hate you window number two alright you're okay it's so true

as well do you know what else he does, which I find really rude? Rags my hair, that kid. He pulls on my hair, but then he looks at us at the same time and just doesn't make, he's not even smiling at anything.

He's just ragging my hair, just looking at us like, you little slag. That's in your name, bitch. Oh, I didn't like that no no it's just the it's just the like

when they get angry it's the pure like rage and they're just it's the way they rive about as well he's kicking me the idea just riving around

you're trying to get the what's really irritating as well is right and my mum should know better I was at my mum's

the other day and my mum's like she was going to put the bottle in his mouth and he's pushing the bottle away and she's going, no, he doesn't want it. I went, no, he does.

He doesn't understand what pushing away is. His motor skills aren't, they don't exist yet. Did she think he was pushing away? Like, oh, I'm going fancy that. I went, mom, how have you forgot this? I went, he's not going, no, thank you. He's trying to get it,

but he's an idiot. It's the way that you put the bottle in their mouth and they're like, and then they'll just get their hand and they'll push it out their own mouth and go what are you doing and you go

you fucking did that you knob I didn't take it out your mouth you took it out your mouth the daughter in the stand that's hilarious yeah disenfantiation see that's the thing

your mum's had other you know grandkids and all of this like constant thingy with babies my mum is just on like a refresher course

and sometimes I'm like just give me a I'll do it oh no he doesn't want it because he's pushed it away he doesn't know what pushing away is

that's like I'm going like oh it sounds like he said no he doesn't want it he can't speak put it in his fucking mouth and shut him up it is true

because obviously your mum and dad have only had you and then Robin obviously but when they had you the time between you and Robin, it was like they'd read a book. No, it was like they'd read a book years ago. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And then having to do it all, having to read it again. You could read it again. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, I read this 34 years ago. I'll pick that up again. I can't even remember the ending. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So it is like they're doing it all over again. Yeah, and now they ending do you know what I mean yeah yeah yeah

so it is like they're doing it all over again yeah and now they're doing it again and they're just yeah parents

it's gonna be us one day can't wait till my kids think I'm a knob it'll be sooner than you think can't wait till Alaska's to babysit and I'll be like

sorry sorry what's up just on the beach in the Caribbean I can't babysit no thank you very much I'll be putting my light on tonight just sleeping with loads of lights on Just on the beach in the Caribbean, I kind of babysit. No, thank you very much.

I'll be putting my light on tonight. Just sleeping with loads of lights on, shouting. Night-night, Chris! Night-night, this is great, isn't it? Night-night! So last week we were talking about school trips. Yeah, did we? Yeah, because you went to the bread factory which Ashley Little texts me about

Ashley my friend from school listens to the podcast yes she put hers in the oven of course she did of course she did because that's what

everyone else did you went the weirdest I've been thinking about this all week the weirdest bit was you went home with a ball of dough

and you put it on your mantelpiece yeah and your parents just went she's put a dough on the mantelpiece my mum didn't remember

I asked my mum she couldn't remember yeah but at the time they just went oh yeah that's her she got some map. My mum didn't remember. I asked my mum, she couldn't remember. Yeah, but at the time they just went, oh yeah, she got some dough. Yeah, that's canny, isn't it?

She got some dough. Not, do you think this should go in the oven? Anyway. Three kids. I forgot to ask you this last week, right? And someone was tweeting us

about school trips and it reminded us this. Did your parents ever recycle your school trips for their own personal time? No. What do you mean? So my mom and dad recycled me school

trips i remember i would go somewhere wherever i went so i would go somewhere we'll go to a farm i'll go somewhere we'll go like you know washington wildfowl park or something like that on a school trip and then my mom and dad would remember and be like all right and then in the holidays we'd go on a school trip that i'd already been on okay and i just couldn't work out whether you would think that that was canny quite nice or ridiculous and that I'm spoiled. I couldn't work out what your reaction to that would be. I don't know.

I think it's alright. Yeah? Yeah. Because they would take us again and I'd be like and I remember I would like go to the gift shop again. Say Beamish. Like we all went to Beamish. I'd go to Beamish and I'd be like oh gift shop time. Are you allowed to go twice to somewhere? Yeah. I don't know. I can't work out whether it was

what do you think it is was it laziness on your mum and dad's behalf slightly unimaginative but I don't know no they're just taking you again it rang true once

when I went weirdly my school trip I forgot to tell this last week right they took me to Newcastle Central Station yeah I think we did that

and I remember going to my mum, oh, we should go. Like, you know, because it was like, and we went and I was like, that's just a train station, innit? Without all your school friends there.

It's not fun. It's just a train station. Oh, Chris, don't, because I always just feel really sorry for you. I don't. Because I have no mates. But then I get tweets saying like, oh, you know, I'm an only child

and you feel sorry for Chris. And I'm like, well, I do. Because you just had literally like, oh, it was just you and your mum and dad. Sometimes just when my dad was at work quite a lot, it was just me and my mum. Most of the summer holidays. So me and my mum went to Central Station on the metro. And then she went, oh, there's loads of trains tonight. But you know what's funny?

What's funny about that? As a child of three, I would have loved that. On your own with your mum. Bit of time on my own. Didn't get any time on my own. I remember this, and it's such a vivid memory, that my dad used to walk the corner shop for his cans, right? And he used to pick one of them to go with him each week.

Right. And each one who went would get a Taz, like, you know, the little chocolate bars? Little Taz with the caramel inside. Oh, Taz bars. But my dad, this is how hilarious it is, right? I only found out years later. My dad would be like, don't tell Kate or Kevin

yeah but he used to do it with like each one every week and we never told each other wow we never said like oh I've got a Taz

we'll just it was like right down this on the way back down this brings a kid back choking each week tears running down your face did you have a good time

at the shop yeah didn't chew me Taz didn't chew you what nothing nothing never happened down it hide the wrapper

in the redhead park bin back home fish bash bosh didn't tell Kate or Kevin but neither of us told anyone honestly cutthroat in your house

wasn't it absolutely cutthroat survival tactics bloody hell I'm surprised but I remember that more than any there's memories of

when we went on holiday I can't remember but I remember going to the shop with my dad right with a Taz great

say I feel sorry for you now I feel sorry for me because all the stories you've told me when you used to go to the cinema every Friday

with your mum and then you'd go to Pizza Hut and then you'd buy like I wasn't every Friday it was in the school holidays very jealous of that yeah

yeah Pizza Hut Pizza Hut is it your birthday is it Christmas Eve what are you taking in here Pizza Hut oh hey

tell me what well Pizza Hut was a have I said this before Pizza Hut was a dinner and a show the one in the metro centre because you used to have to queue up outside you're always at a queue for Pizza Hut because it was show the one in the metro centre because you used to have to queue up outside

you're always at a queue for Pizza Hut because it was like the thing in the 90s can you remember when they brought the stuffed crust out and it was like

loads of England footballers were on the advert eating the pizza the wrong way and you used to always have to queue for the one outside the cinema

so it was glass windows so people sit against windows so you got to queue for half an hour watching everyone eating their pizza

getting excited for your pizza then you got to go in right and eat your pizza at the window making everyone outside jealous fucking bestie ever see that's hell to me it was class as a grown-up sitting eating your pizza having people peering in that's horrible why why did we do that uh well i yeah sort of big big shout out to the parents who put themselves through stuff like that and go to shitty places for their kids just to have it. Yeah, but it was very intrusive.

If you've got a table at the window, it was painful. People were just sat and watching. But then I used to really ham it up. I used to ham up how much I was enjoying my pizza. Oh, like an advert. Like an advert. I can just see it. Big bite with a big smile and a big really over the top,

mmm, while people are outside wasting away. And your family who just used to a big really over the top, mmm. While people are outside wasting away. In your family, who just used to stand in the queue and not come in. Never, never. Birthdays. You can go in front of us.

You can go in front of us. Birthdays are Christmas. I do remember there was one time that, why did we, I don't even know how we got away with this. We booked a holiday

and we went in term time. I think it was before you had to pay for stuff. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Term time? Mm-hmm. Took your kids out of school and went on holiday? Yeah. We'll have the truant officer on time. I think it was before you had to pay for stuff. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Term time? Mm-hmm. Took your kids out of school and went on holiday? Yeah.

We'll have the truant officer on you. I know. Well, you could back in the day. But obviously, my mum, being ridiculous, didn't realise that was my first Holy Communion. Right. And I missed it. Right.

Because I was on holiday. So I had to do it on my own without any of the other kids. Bet you loved that, did you? I bet it was the best day of my life. It was absolutely class. Best day of my life, she said. All the school came up and watched me on my own

doing my first Holy Communion. Wow. And then I got the half day off school and we went to see Fern Gully at the cinema. Brilliant. And I went to Pizza Hut. Right pizza right wow so i don't know why how did we get away with that great that like it was mint i've got a video put the full thing on again and the whole school came and watched you on your own what is a holy communion what do you got to do a hymn or a prayer i'll do a song or something it's a you've got no idea what it is not really it's a catholic thing um it's like the halfway between being a kid and being a grown-up i think right first

holy communion is that where you get your middle name no that's oh that's your confirmation that's when you're like 15 you're about you're about eight right and it's you get your rosary be chris i don't know what it is just, you got no idea what it was. You just wanted to stand there on your own in your little frock and have the whole school look at you. I did. And the priest said some stuff and put water on you or whatever. Blessing and stuff.

And then that was it. Yeah. Great. It's so you can start taking communion. Right. Like a bread. That's what it is. You have a full ceremony so you can eat bread.

What is it? Some kind of gluten test? Listen, I sound horrific. I'm so sorry, fellow Catholics. I sound awful. a full ceremony so you can eat bread what is it some kind of gluten test listen I sound horrific I'm so sorry fellow Catholics I sound awful I can't remember what it is

don't you dare bundle yourself in with the Catholics you are a pretend Catholic at best Chris I'm a fully blown Catholic I used to serve on the altar and you know I did

and what did you do what was that what did you have to do there served on the altar I had to wear the full robes and everything and I had to go up to help to help do what just be there to help with stuff you've got no idea what's going on

this is like when i worked at the inland revenue i didn't know what my job was i was just fucking filling in form this is the same you had no idea you know what it was you knew that you were at the front and loads of people were looking at you and that was good enough for you am i right am i right well there was that and i used to get a bar of dairy milk every week at the priest. Brilliant, there we go. Fucking hell. There we go.

That's the one bit I forgot. Honestly, I should have thought on there and said, was there some kind of chocolate involved? Brilliant. Goodness me. Honestly, it would be like

when I'm trying to teach you how to use the dishwasher or something. Glazed over, not listening, standing there, the priest's going, right, and this is why this is important.

This is about the religion, Catholicism and Jesus and blah, blah. And you're just glazed over going, standing there the priest's going right and this is why this is important you know it's this is about the religion catholicism and jesus and blah blah and you're just glazed over going i'm at the front i'm at the front got a frock on people are looking this is a stage should i sing no i'm not saying oh i can't wait for me taz should chew it this time and as well if you didn't have any dairy milk you used to give what pound you are joking me back in the day that's a have any dairy milk, you used to give what? A pound? You are joking me. And I was just like, get in. Back in the day, that's a couple of dairy milks there. Are you kidding me? A pound? You get three dairy milks back in the day.

At the shop, when you used to get quarters and that. Wait, that's two quarters, that. I'll have some bonbons, please, a pound's worth. Thank you very much. Pound's worth of bonbons. Mr. Shopman. Goodness me. Well, there we go.

Good dance. There we go. The name of the father. Honestly, the way you go through life, it's like you've been trained like a dog. It's like Pavlovian conditioning. It's literally like, Rosie, come to the shop with us for cans.

Oh, dad, I don't want to. Taz. Holy communion. You want to do your holy communion and I'm not bothered? Dairy milk. It's like a dog getting treats. That's how you've gone through your life.

If I wanted to use a dishwasher properly do I just have to give you a little chocolate button after you've done something right that's how I train Robin on potty, chocolate buttons oh god same with me one for mammy, one for you

one for mammy, one for you two for mammy, one for you twelve for mammy none Two for Mammy. One for you. Twelve for Mammy. None for you, naughty boy. Oh, you're weed. All for Mammy. But I'm trying to weed.

Oh, no, no. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at TorontoRock.com. This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real.

Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one

is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca That's sunrisechallenge.ca It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Ladies first or shall I go first? You go first. Okay, my beef with you, quick one this week.

My beef with you this week. Sometimes, you've been doing it for for a while now was that a little bit did you hear it yes i heard it you've got a fucking microphone in front of your face excuse me i tried to move away it'll be the bolognese i oh good yeah yeah it's another reason you shouldn't eat a big fuck off board of bolognese before doing an audio performance um excuse me so what you tend to do sometimes is you will start bollocking me around the house which is just your thing you're just bollockers love it start hands off or something and then during telling us off you'll realize that actually you know you're either bang out of order or you're wrong you know or that you know you're

getting the wrong end of the stick and then you'll continue the bollocking anyway right right um and i've wanted to have this as a beef for some time, but I've never been able to pinpoint a moment when you've actually done it. And I pinpointed an exact moment the other day and I wrote it down and I remembered it. Great. You opened the fridge the other day,

you looked at the top of the fridge and there was a chicken tikka masala, rice and a naan bread in the packet from the supermarket and you looked and you went, oh, oh, oh, great, great. Bought yourself one of these, have you? Selfish, Chris, selfish. Look here, bought yourself, just for you there,

just for you, when are you going to have that? Just for you there, chicken tikka masala, rice and naan bread. Just bought yourself one, didn't you? And I went, Rosie, I haven't been to the shop. You bought that? And you went, oh, oh, ah, ah, ah, right, okay,

and you shut the fridge. Not an apology. You literally started bollocking because you thought I bought a curry for myself and you'd fucking bought it for you and I got a bollocking. But then you continue the bollocking.

I don't know if anyone in any relationships out there, I don't know if you feel this sometimes, the argument will start and the woman or the man, the person this sometimes the argument will start and the you know the woman or the man the person who start the argument

will get annoyed and get themselves riled up and then realise that they're wrong but then they keep like a level of riled up as if like oh well you're lucky

and say no no I'm not lucky you're fucking wrong can't like can't let you know can't let you know that you might have had a point

do you remember when you did that the other day embarrassed for you briefly oh oh brought me a proper show of it you swung the fridge door

open like it was a curtain on a stage oh look at this selfish man I do miss being on stage yeah of course you do I think that's what that was we can all tell

what's your beef my beef with you this week is I think you're getting too fit sorry I was just taking a drink I was just hydrating I think you're getting too fit you're looking too nice you're getting too fit. Sorry, I was just taking a drink of water there.

I was just hydrating. I think you're getting too fit. You're looking too nice. You're getting too skinny and I don't like it. Wow. I think this has been me before but I think it was Christmas so you put a bit of weight on.

But I don't like it. We've got loads of stuff coming up like the tour and that and I'm going to be fat as butter and you're going to look lovely and I'm not happy about it. So rein it in right get off the bike

this is no this is this is terrible no it's upsetting us I've just had a baby right can't be arsed so you want me to be

a big lazy just come and join us brilliant right I mean no one said anything about being lazy it was implied no I'm not lazy

I'm just a bit overweight. I can't be bothered. So you don't want me to exercise anymore? Absolutely not. Because I've had a suspicion that this was your pattern. For the obstacles you put in the way. The obstacles, like, I'll be like, I'm going on the bike or whatever. And you'll be like, oh, really?

But I need you to paint the shed. And'll be like i'm going on the bike or whatever and you're like oh but i oh really but i need you to uh paint the shed and i'm like what like and it's something really spurious and weird like oh but you're going on the bike but it's but it's trooping the color like are you really going on trooping the color like and you've been right but now you're full on now you're full on cards on the table just telling us that you don't want us to do anymore. It's just upsetting us. I've told you, I used to go out with a guy who was really fit and I didn't like it. Right.

I didn't like it one bit. Right. I felt very insecure. You just want to drag everyone down. Mm-hmm. Drag everyone down to your level. Listen. Just sedentary,

not doing anything. Get your shoes on. Yeah. Chip your tea. Yeah, chip your tea. Taz on the way back. Love you. A couple of cans.

A psychologist would have a field day with what you've just said to me. Absolutely dragging us down. At least I'm honest about it. Balls of Bolognese all over the shop. Dragging us down. Honestly. All the Peloton instructors out there,

all the guys who have given the positive speeches and that, dissect what she's just said. Get back to us. Tell us. I'm all ears. You're not bothered, are you what i don't know is it bad maybe i don't know i just want i just can't i think it's just you know there's something deeper about this because when you have children your body it just changes so much yeah like so much i don't even recognize my body but i love you and you're beautiful i know thank you and i really appreciate that and i know you do i know you do and i know

it takes time and i'm trying not to be hard on myself but it's just like i'm so tired physically and i won't remember i well i went on the peloton and i went running and the next day like i hurt yeah and i just i'm just a bit gosh i could get Yeah. And I just, I'm just a bit, gosh, I could get upset. I'm just, I think I'm just a bit jealous of how much energy you've got. Physically and mentally. And I'm just not there. And I do quite like exercising. And I like eating healthily.

Just right now, I just can't. But I know it takes time. But I just feel like with the world getting back to normal, I want to just hoist all my old clothes on. And I just want like with the world getting back to normal I want to just hoi all my old clothes on and get I just want to get back to normal but it's going to take time

stop being hard on yourself you just had a baby right everyone out there every woman out there who tries to all this stuff on Instagram all this bouncing back

straight away when you've had a baby it's not realistic stop being hard on yourself you're absolutely beautiful I love you I'm going on my bike I'm going on my bike.

I'm going to sabotage that bike. Who's covered me bike in bolognese? I think I'm wasting good bolognese on that bike. Never. And there's your problem. It's time for questions from the public. Public. Public. As always, guys, if you want to get in touch,

it's shaggedmarionoid at gmail.com. Go for it. If you're sitting there thinking, I want to send them that. Why don't I send them that? That story would be perfect. Send it in. Send it in.

It doesn't have to be a question, as you know. We should have really changed the name of the section. There's very rarely a question. It's always just a nice little story. Yeah. And thank you, as always. Now, this first one here. I never think that we're

going to beat certain things and you you feel like you know enough about the public yeah does that make sense yeah yeah yeah then then i find something and i'm like wow okay okay so here we go oh i'm excited hi rosie and chris this one's a corker we have a friend in his mid-twenties who still lives at home with his parents. A few years ago, he invited everyone back to his parents' house as they were having a party. Obviously, all good parties take place in the kitchen. That's a true story. Yeah, yeah, yeah. One friend went looking for a corkscrew and came across the family underwear drawer.

Sorry, where? In the kitchen shut up yes the drawer in the kitchen contained every piece of underwear the whole family possessed right keep going mum's knickers dad's grundies and our friend's boxers when our unsuspecting friend asked his host why he had a drawer full of underwear next to the knives and forks he nonchalantly claimed it was just the family underwear drawer right he still claims it's perfectly normal a to keep your underwear in the kitchen, and B, to have to root through your ma's knickers to find a clean pair of skiddies. I didn't even think about that. The mix in them might be weirder.

So you've got the fact that they're in the kitchen, which is why, right? So what do they do? I want to know the layout of the house. What do they do when you're having a shower or whatever, and instead of going to your bedroom to get your clothes and get ready, you're going downstairs with an out on,

rooting through, you know, someone could be next to you frying some bacon. Yep. And you're going to get the knickers. Get you underway. They're going to fucking stink. Yeah, they will.

They're going to always smell like food. They'll always smell like food. Not just that, Christopher. Why are you sharing a drawer with your parents? That's weird. How small is your house? How small's your house

I mean come on we all like storage solutions solutions don't that's weird I could not be going through

me mum's knickers to get mine exactly it only sounds like there's three of them that's ridiculous so he didn't mention any siblings there

so there's the three of them even if you're in you know a two bed flat I'm sorry you can still put your your underwear in your room so there's a couple of drawers in our kitchen right where when we moved in on the day we moved

in you know and the following couple of days of emptying all the boxes and you know having two kids and it was carnage yeah and there's a couple of drawers and cupboards where i go in and i open and i go i fucking shouldn't be there we still haven't really got it yeah like our really sharp knives are the third drawer down. That's not safe, is it? So as soon as Rafe... Robin knows to stay away from them. As soon as Rafe can stand up and open cupboards,

that needs to be moved immediately. We've got a bit of time. Yeah. What possibly happened for them to go quickly put all of this underwear in this drawer and then never fucking undo it? No idea. That is the weirdest...

It's great, isn't it? That's one of the strangest things. Just an underwear drawer. Where's your corkscrew? Sorry, that's the weirdest it's great isn't it that's one of the strangest things just an underwear drawer where's your corkscrew oh sorry that's the family it's next one up that's the family underwear drawer that's so fucking strange underneath the tea towels i could even get away if it was a dirty washing drawer i could understand if it was a big deep drawer like a palm drawer and they put dirty washing in because the you know the washing machine was next to us yeah maybe that's it maybe the washing machine is in the kitchen and when they've finished washing stuff they take all the clean washing out and the underwear goes straight into their underwear drawer right next

to the washing machine it'll be wet well yeah i mean it solves no problems but i'm just trying to get into their mindset here because that is the weirdest thing i've ever heard but then you would you could say because it's a bit lazy just putting it all in there but what about all the rest of the clothes yeah so you're gonna have to run downstairs to get you on it then go really weird some people live differently that's worse than sharing the towels which we weirdly do now we do share towels now just out of not knowing what towels what you keep moving my fucking towel actually and it's doing me nothing. No, you keep moving my towel. Oh, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey. You move mine.

No, you move mine. Your place to put it is on the back of the door. No, my place to put it is on the radiator next to the door. But don't. That's my place to put my towel. What? Bloody not. Who gave you the one? Where did you become queen of the fucking radiators? That's my bit. Then you move it and you put it on back of the door,

then I get it. Look, we all know, we all know, the white towel with the little tiny earwax marks on is my towel. Oh. Bloody hell. The one with the skid marks and bloodstains is yours. Wow.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hello. Just thought I'd share this with you. It's definitely a weird one, but I can't really fault it on a technical level. Okay. Well, I mean, I can. Okay.

Because I don't understand this at all. Okay, so it's going to be something that makes sense sort of technically and on paper, but is weird. No, I don't think it does make sense technically on paper either. Well, tell me. Right. Let's do it. My wife's work colleague has a boiled egg every morning

he sterilizes his face mask by putting it in the boiling water with his egg no that doesn't make sense at all it's absolutely horrible genius or heinous heinous heinous heinous it's horrendous that's absolutely why are. But why are you boiling your face mask? Every morning. Every morning. So do they just wear a wet face mask every day? Well, I'm assuming he then lets it dry. But then what?

I mean, how long is it? How long are you taking to eat your egg? Exactly. One, stop having boiled eggs. Boring. Worst way to have an egg. Pathetic. No boiled eggs.

Sad. Sad. Then, what about sometimes it cracks and a little bit of the egg juice comes out well it does, eggy water put it this way, you would not make, anyone listening would you be happy if someone made you a cup of tea and went oh by the way I made that

I'm trying to look at the environment, I made that cup of tea with the water that I just boiled my eggs in by the way you'd go fuck off, get us some fresh boiled water, yeah I don't want to drink that but then he's putting that on his face, putting a face mask in it and holding it in all day. Honestly. Or, flip side, boiling his egg in germy face mask water. Well, there you go.

Aye. He's wrong on both. He's disgusting. That's why when they said, is it genius? I was like, no, it's genius. No wonder there's been a pandemic. People just take a thing and go, I'll just do that. That works.

It doesn't work. It's weird. Stop it. Yeah, I agree. Getting a C. Getting a C. go, I'll just do that. That works. It doesn't work. It's weird. Stop it. Yeah, I agree. Get in the sea. Get in the sea. Hello, Chris and Rosie. If you were in the same world

as Beauty and the Beast, which household object would you get turned into and why? That's a fantastic question. What would you be? Exercise bike. Oh, for God's sake.

Straight away. Exercise bike. I can for God's sake. Straight away. Exercise bike. I can't see the beast having a pellet on, like. It's not being funny. Are you kidding? Is he just a fucking hench? No. Choose a different one.

That's not a household object that everyone's got. All right. PlayStation 5. That's less of a household object that everyone's got. It's like flipping gold dust, then. Okay, then. What would you be, then? I'd be a bath

you would you really would you really you really really would be a bath you fucking nailed it

you would I'd be a lovely little hot little bath You fucking nailed it. You would. That would be a lovely little, hot little bath. You would. You would, and you'd be constantly trying to get everyone to have a bath in you.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, like the maid, the housekeeper on Father Ted, like, have a cup of tea. Have a bath. You'd be like, literally, have a bath. Come on, have a bath.

I'd be Brazilian. While you're thinking about it, just come on, jump in, have a bath. I'd love a bath. And it wouldn't be creepy or weird, it would just be like literally have a bath. Come on have a bath. I'd be Brazilian. While you're thinking about it just come on jump in have a bath. I'd love a bath. And it wouldn't be creepy or weird it would just be like you're chatting. No I'd be like come on have a lovely little bath in me. Come and have a little bath. Get your bubble bath in. That's Welsh. I'd be a bath. Awesome. They're not far from each other. You blew me away there.

What would you be? Very very good. If I'm the bath what are you? Probably a hoover. Yeah you would be a hoover. Yeah I'd be a hoover. Cordless you would be a hoover. Yeah, I'd be a hoover. Cordless. Or the mop or something. No, hoover. Or a pair of curtains.

Hoover. Right, okay, you'd be the hoover. Jeez. This just starts off right. So this is the Milky Way Man story. The Milky Way Man story. The Milky Way Man story. Okay.

Okay. My mate's girlfriend started to realise every couple of weeks there would be a chocolate bar smushed into the driveway. It was obviously chocolate. No need for a scratch and sniff test. Thank God. That should never be the go-to

if you think something's poo, don't scratch it and sniff it. It's like the drip though, isn't it? The drip from the ceiling. Why would you lick that drip? Get on all fours. Get down. Pretend you're doing a press-up. Press-up on your drive. Would you smell it? Quick sniff.

Would I smell it? Yeah. So this is happening every couple of weeks. It's just a smushed up bar of chocolate. Right, okay. Again, I'm surprised they didn't just pick it up

and eat it like what most of our readers would do. Exactly. Readers? Listeners. Listeners. I don't know. Just because they were sending emails

I got confused. No idea how it got there. It happened several times over a couple of months, by which time they had found someone at the top of the street who had CCTV which faced down the street. So it's doing their head in that much. It's only a chocolate bar smushed on a drive, but they're doing their head in that much.

Yes, but can you imagine? So once or twice you'd be like that's a freaky coincidence once every few weeks it's just a manky chocolate bar mushed into your driveway wouldn't you be out there shouting at them

for wasting chocolate well I firstly sacrilege but secondly I'd be like why does somebody keep doing this do you know what I mean

do they know do they know who I am? I love chocolate. Do you not think it's someone going to the shop with their dad for the cans and just dropping them? Oh hey.

Oh God. What's the matter with them? I tried it too fast again I downed it and I missed it. Do you know what it is? It could have been one of them kids

who just gets loads of chocolate and them kids who can have sweets and chocolate in the house and they're just not asked. Yeah, you get angry at them, don't you? Oh. Kids who don't finish the Easter eggs, you get really annoyed. I used to babysit for some lads over the road when I was younger. And I mean, I babysit once or twice and I was like, this is very boring. But at the same time, they had so much chocolate and crisps in their house that I kept going.

Because I was like, I will sacrifice. 16 year old, I was like, I'll sacrifice a Friday night out to come here and eat all your ket. Honestly, unbelievable. And they. Ket for anyone listening who isn't from the Northeast, by the way, ket is a slang word for sweets and chocolate.

She wasn't having horse tranquilizers. Babysitters rarely get full of horse tranquilizers and be able to carry out their duties sufficiently just as a side note yeah sorry about that yeah they weren't bothered by it because it was there all the time i love i imagine that when that family did their kind of accounting worked out what their outgoings were they thought that they were getting a bargain paying you 10 quid or five quid to look after, but then they realised you were eating 35 quids worth of chocolate and crisps every week.

Should we just stay in? Should we just stay in? Because this is ridiculous. She is forging a fat little cow over the road. Filling up her backpack with these milky bars and frisps

oh I remember frisps they had everything Chris and I'm telling you they had everything I would go the week after and it'd be the same stuff and I'd be like you haven't touched this

what's the matter with you unbelievable good times I can still taste them now that's how much that's how good it was you've got problems so anyway

they found the CCTV at the bottom of the street because someone's always got CCTV haven't they yeah I've got loads of it love it well yeah but you know

you do become addicted to your CCTV yeah you are ridiculous I check it non-stop infuriating yeah the next time she noticed it she went up and asked for a copy of the previous night's CCTV

at 4am roughly a man walked down the street The next time she noticed it, she went up and asked for a copy of the previous night's CCTV. At 4am roughly, a man walked down the street, opened the gate at the end of the next door neighbour's drive, entered through it and closed it behind him. He then steps over the wall onto her drive and goes into our front garden. He stands there for a couple of minutes before taking out a Milky Way. He stays where he has stood and takes a bite. He then gets on his belly and commando crawls to the car and puts the rest of the uneaten chocolate under her rear tyre, then disappears into the night.

Fuck off! As she drives off in the morning, she crushes it into her driveway. That! Weird, isn't it? We've checked the CCTV for the time since. Every occasion has been at the same time of night and he has followed the same procedure. Any advice on

how to capture him? From the police? First of all. But is that a so this is the thing would the police go, he's not really doing anything massively wrong. I mean he's trespassing. He's littering true damage of property

sorry I've got so many how fucking good is this CCTV at the top of the street that they looked at it and went that's a fucking Milky Way that well no because they know

it's a Milky Way oh because they know of course it's a Milky Way so they know no it's not white chocolate it's the stuff inside oh right not a Milky Bar

you're getting Milky Bars and Milky Ways I love milky ways oh Jesus here we go I do right she's gone she's gone

come back come back come back come back so he doesn't go into her gate he goes into the neighbours gate he goes into the neighbours and then he climbs over

and then Commando like Commando crawls to her car puts it under the back wheel yeah and then she drives over it at four o'clock in the morning

he needs to be in prison do you think yeah you can go it's not illegal but it's it's really weird She drives over at the next morning. At four o'clock in the morning. Four o'clock in the morning. He needs to be in prison. Do you think? Yeah, you can go to not illegal, but it's really weird. You'd have trouble in court. What do you mean? You'd have trouble in court because a good lawyer could get him off with that. I mean, yeah, but how do you sleep at night getting someone off with that?

How do all lawyers sleep at night? I'm it's so I've got I'm almost stunned into not even knowing why the commando crawl why doesn't he go in her gate did he did he used to be in the army

I mean I don't think he ever used to I don't know who knows Chris I just thought it was an interesting story it's a fucking weird story I don't think we're meant

to work it out there's no working it out I don't like the ones where there's more questions than what okay I'm sorry but it's an interesting story and now I don't think we're meant to work it out. There's no working it out. I don't like the ones where there's more questions than what... Okay, I'm sorry, but it's an interesting story. And now I want a Milky Way as well. Me too. But I also feel like I can't because he's ruined them as well.

He's dirty Milky Ways for us. Do you know that's a way that you're meant to give up chocolate? Did you know this? Paul McKenna, the guy who does the hypnotising and all that. Hypnotist. Yeah. Yeah. The hypnotist.

Stop it. Name, Paul McKenna. Occupation, guy who does the hypnotising and all that. Demon hypnotist. That's exactly what I mean. So, he said that if you want to give up chocolate, you've got to imagine the chocolate bar with loads of disgusting stuff on it.

Right. So, you've got pubes on there. Right. You've got dog feces. Someone's hired a tab out on there. Someone's come on to roll and put it behind a car. Absolutely. It's been rolled over by a car.

Yeah. And then you don't really want to eat that. Didn't work. I was going to say now that there's no chance on earth that would work with you. You would just become really good at picking

pubes off chocolate. You've been listening to Shagmarinoid which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. You have indeed been listening to Shagmarinoid. Thank you so much for

doing so. Please keep sending your awesome stories. Please keep sending your awesome stories. Please, I say awesome stories. Make sure you answer the questions more, answer more questions than you raise in your stories that you send in because I'm going to have genuine nightmares

about some of the things that we've had to do. So many questions. Just be concise. But thank you very much. ShagmireAnnoyed at gmail.com. Shagmire Annoyed Tour Live is on sale now. All dates in December. Arenas all over the UK get involved

it's selling out quick and we will be back in your ears all over your face and up your bum next week speak for yourself I'm not going to have any bum

oh come on man go the extra mile for them will you bye Come on man Go the extra mile Father Millie Bye You're invited To an immersive Listening party Led by Rishi Keshe Herway The visionary

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