Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 119. Like father, like son

Episode Date: June 4, 2021

Rosie's got a new job, and Chris has got a new haircut. They talk unsuspecting occurrences, specialist subjects and there's going out beef.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game

and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com Hello, you're listening to Shag, Mind, and Oid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey. Yay! Hello! Look at us! How's it going?

It's alright. Oh, Chris, man! We need to work on this beginning bit. No, no, like I've said this a million times, you just let them come in, you let them sit down, you let them chill out. It's episode 119. How are you, Rosie? Do you know what? Today, I'm alright, actually. The sun is shining. Finally!

Yeah, well, I mean, this will go out on Friday, so, you know, we'll probably had six foot of snow by then. Oh, it's meant to be pissing it down. Great. I've checked the weather. You know what? We had a nice bank holiday weekend. It was.

It was really bloody lovely. Should we give ourselves a little clap? We did it. Happy bank holiday to us. Special thoughts. All of our thoughts are with, still, every time we clap, the lady who said it sounds like when her son flicks his bollocks off his

gooch and his stomach oh why every time we clap I keep thinking every time we clap I keep thinking about that if you haven't

heard that episode hey if you haven't heard that go back and catch up if you haven't heard about the bollocks slapping off the back of the gooch that was a

good episode that was a good episode one from the archive was that oh the little boy slapping his gooch right Rosie I'm looking at the clock now we've been on That was a good episode. One from the archive, was that? All the little boys slapping his boots. Right, Rosie, I'm looking at the clock now.

We've been on for 30 seconds here. Oh, who is ringing you? Right, I'll give you one guess who's ringing us. It's better not be called Flippin' Hutchinson. It's called Hutchinson. Turn it off. I'm trying to get, honestly. I swear, you two are having some sort of affair.

Do you know? I swear. Right, I'll turn my Wi-Fi off. Do you know? Turn everything, you should have done this. Episode 119, this should have been done i am airplane mode silenced everywhere nowadays i wish you had an airplane mode button in real life that i could just press and you would give me five seconds oh mate switch it on and put me it's my bed right and i'll just lie there what i was about to say was we've been we've been on this for like a minute over a minute now nearly two minutes

and you have not said how much you like my new haircut and i'm raging oh your new haircut is very nice well it doesn't it doesn't feel genuine because i had to remind you to say it you walked through the door and i said oh your hair looks lovely could have said it so f you could have said on the podcast just let everyone know but your hair does look nice well you know you know at the minute you look bloody lovely and i'm fuming so whatever we're not going down that road again guys it is episode 119 guess what big news we just hit 70 million downloads on this podcast yeah we have you absolute beauties i know we say it again and again and i don't ever want it to sound uh sort of disingenuous or contrived but it's not we love

you for listening thank you so much the fact that this little podcast that we do from our house has got that many downloads thank you so much we love you i can't believe it honestly we know the year that we've had in the year that it's been and you you kept us going so thank you thank you thank you so much ridiculous we talk a bullshit even if we'd only charge 10 pence a download oh don't how much would that be oh I'm going to be calculating so 70 million downloads right right so 70 million 10 pence a download

1 2 3 look at all the zeros on there times 0.10 equals 7 million quid are you joking are you having a laugh

sorry why did I have to put that on a calculator yeah that is that's embarrassing can you imagine how many people are listening going what a fucking idiot

but yeah good 7 million quid but anyway do you know what nah I'm glad this has gone out for free guys this week's sponsor it's a big one it's a big one guys this week's sponsor it's a big one it's a big one guys this week's sponsor

is it get important and get big and make loads of money is it 7 million pound if not I don't want to know a few of you might have seen this sponsor kicking about

out in the world and I need you to smash back at it yeah I need you to fight against this sponsor right it's an anti-sponsor

this week this week's sponsor is people telling you they're convinced we're gonna get locked down again get your fucking negativity out of my face get it out yeah i reckon we'll be locked down again by the way that's great that's great keep it to yourself i don't watch the news i'm living day by day trying to not have a mental breakdown every day. And you, Mr. Taxi Driver. It's always Taxi Drivers.

Mr. Taxi Driver telling me that you're convinced we're going to... It doesn't fucking help. Keep it to yourself. Because guess what? If it happens, I'll hear about it. Fucking pigs. They love it, don't they?

Fucking stop it. Oh, no. We're done again. We're done. Well, yeah, listen. Even if we do, shut the fuck up. Shut up about it. I don't want to think about it.

I can't think about that, actually. Hey, Rosie, the sand that I've got my head in, it's bloody lovely and warm and lush and dark. I bet it is. Hey, that sand you've had your head in, you've been there for donkeys, to be honest. Someone sent me the idea. They went, I don't watch the news anymore.

What are you fucking joking, aren't you? I stopped watching it in March. You really did. Last March. Well, come on. We had many arguments because I watched the news and you couldn't watch the news. There could be a dog presenting the news now,

a talking dog, and I wouldn't know. Chris, it wouldn't surprise me, to be honest. That would be the only bloody good thing to come out of this year. If a talking dog was presenting the news, I'd be over the moon. One Britain's Got Talent right you never know so hey

dog news dog's news I would watch that Trevor McDoggled can we talk about my new career you're just ignoring Trevor McDoggled

what did you say Dognold Trevor McDoggled wow brilliant I thought that was amazing well done listen we'll talk about your new career

get the jingle on let's get this in what about Dogmont O'Leary it's not a news it's not a news broadcaster. Oh, for sake. You can't just say a presenter. What the hell? Listen, I'll tell you about my new career in a bit.

Here's the jingle. We can't think of any more news. People can't. And I don't think Trav MacDonald even does the news anymore. Who else does the news? Who does the news? Listen. Get the jingle on. Let's get the news? Who does the news? Listen. Get the jingle on.

Let's get the jingle on. Save her. Save her from this. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle.

Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo Jingle Hello and welcome back to Shag Married Annoyed Thank you so much for coming back Get yourself a chair, get a cup of coffee or a cup of tea

Or a little juice Listen, listen, listen, listen Stop telling people what to do Listen to whatever you want Sit down, enjoy yourself Back off Back off Right right let's tell everyone about your new job before you explode with excitement oh so last week i did a little

bit of voiceover work because i want to get into voiceover because you know i like talking and all that kind of stuff um and i did some voiceover for cbb's you did indeed i did you did indeed to the point though chris i did the voiceover i was very chuffed but i always have this sort of like doubt in myself and like what's the word is it inferiority i don't know yeah yeah inferiority complex yeah i thought they weren't going to use it proved sorry an inferiority complex has never been proved more perfectly by the fact that you didn't finish the phrase inferiority complex because you didn't think you had the right phrase there you go that is that's like absolutely banging in a nutshell i didn't think they were going to use it no i thought they'd be like look listen it was nice of you to do it thank you but we're not used it and my friend messaged us today and

she was like heard you on cbb's and i was like oh they used it used it. Get in. Get in, they've used it. If you get a CBeebies bedtime story before me, I will burn our family home to the ground. Oh, no, you can't be like that. I can't. I have been wanting to do a CBeebies bedtime story for bloody years. Well, I know you have, but I wanted to go on Strictly.

You went on Strictly. We're still together. Was I ever once? Was I ever horrible about it? I was bloody supportive. I cheered you on every week. Rosie, when I went on Strictly. You went on Strictly. We're still together. Was I ever once? Was I ever horrible about it? I was bloody supportive. I cheered you on every week. Rosie, when I went on Strictly, you were a nobody.

Oh, wow. I'm totally joking. I'm sorry. I mean, you bang on. Hey, if I just mention it on the podcast, it should be okay. What? Just tell them on the podcast.

Just say now, hey, I want to do a bedtime story because the other week, we were slagging me off and I've been on different panel shows. I know. League of their own got in touch and booked in.

Can't have bloody wait. Got a full bloody diary. I hope I do the hamster wheel. You're telling me all we've got to do is grovel the programmes that we want to do on this podcast.

Do you know what I really love? What? A gold bar. Big bar of gold I just feel like or a treasure chest if we had a helicopter I'd be like

if I had a helicopter no I don't want a helicopter I'm scared of helicopters I'm not having that I think I would be terrified of a helicopter babadoo babadoo babadoo been down to that

London filming haven't we we did go to that London filming on the hottest day of the year so far why do we always do that why when the weather is absolutely glorious

we're stuck in a bloody car or on the train yeah it's just the sacrifices you make sacrifices you make I can't believe it, why do we always do that? Why, when the weather's absolutely glorious, we're stuck in a bloody car, or on the train, it's just the sacrifices you make, I know, sacrifices you make, but it was lovely, love going to London,

and it was so nice to see it busy again, it was lush wasn't it, because we went down in the peak of lockdown, didn't we, oh god, yeah, and it was so depressing, just seeing places,

remember we drove past Trafalgar Square, and it was dead, yeah, I've never seen Trafalgar Square dead, well I went down like the peak of the first lockdown and i was doing um uh the one show and i was like there was only a couple of hotels in london that were open it was it was really really bad and it was that strange thing of like i got off the train and you get off the train as a northerner and king's cross is like heaving yeah and as a northerner you're like too many people here stupid this place just knock it down and start again bloody congestion

look at this and I got off and it was a ghost town and I was like oh no this isn't what I wanted change it back change it back I'm sorry

not like this it's like we've lived in a film for a year isn't it yeah did you see that thing that meme that came out in the first lockdown

where someone says if you sit and watch Avengers Infinity War just after Thanos snaps his fingers go out for a drive and it's like it actually happened.

Yeah. It's like half the people disappeared. It's been a really bloody hard year. Hope you're all okay. Yes. We haven't asked for a while.

Just checking in with you. Hope you're all right because it's strange because I'm so desperate for the world to get back to normal like desperate desperate. Can't wait.

But it is it's hard. It's hard going back'm so desperate for the world to get back to normal. Like, desperate, desperate. Can't wait. But it is... It's hard. It's hard going back into it. Yeah. I mean, I'm getting there. I've definitely got a few nights out booked. Coming up very soon, gals and gals. Talk about that later on.

Yeah. What do you mean talk about that later on? I might have something to say about that. What have you got to say about that, Christopher? I might be a bit annoyed about it. You're annoyed that I'm going out I'd be a bit pissed off let's just leave it

before we argue before the beef section no come on no no no no let's just wait for it let's just wait for it is that your beef this week because I'm going out

seriously listen you just you just keep read my body language right now what can't see you

for the microphone my arms are crossed and I'm annoyed right good are you shagged and married as well because that will be on brand i'm married i don't know about shagged yeah you're lying you love it up you no oh god grace oh my god i don't know why i said that i'm gonna go brush my teeth i'm gonna go brush my teeth it's the worst thing ever said

oh god we are no you're not that man stop it it. Stop trying to be. I've had my hair cut. All right, okay. So what? So you've just morphed into a bloody grotesque boy. He did it a bit shorter on the sides, so now I'm much over. Oh, my God. Don't... That's horrible.

Oh, you do, man. Oh, I've got something I need to do. Stop. I've got something I need to do. Stop it. I'm winding you up, man. I'm winding you up. Are you worth it?

I'm just busy having a drink out of this glass. Right. It smells like a fish tank. Glass smells like a fish tank. It's very busy having a drink out of this glass. It smells like a fish tank. Glass smells like a fish tank. Is that the fish tank glass?

No but what's happening with the dishwasher? Your mum's been here. Right great yeah. Yeah that's what's happened.

There we go. What's setting she put it on bloody Mrs. Ego 700 hours long. Well no what she does is she puts it

on with nothing in it just to get it out the way i think that she's done it and then she doesn't empty it for three days right so that's that i've been sitting there the whole time yeah yeah your mom's and your mom's a worse version of you but we need the help we need the help at the moment so don't complain she listens to this if she hears we're complaining that's what child care sandra if you're listening you're a saint and you're brilliant and the stuff you do is fantastic but she puts some more effort in just take a little bit of time on everything that a little bit brilliant and the stuff you do is fantastic but just put some more effort in just take a little bit of time on everything

a little bit more time on everything you do don't you dear it's like she's running round the house it's like the house is on fire and she's quickly

trying to do stuff before it burns down it's so weird and you've got the same thing as well just both of you just half arse a job and run on to the

next job to half arse that as well what is the thing you've both got to do at the end of the line what is it that you're getting towards just life is it sitting and having a coffee somewhere you both fucking bang on about that that's your catchphrase whenever i heard guys whenever rosie and her mom are doing anything with the house it's like put a sofa put a sofa

here change this room yeah because that'd be good to sit and have a coffee wouldn't it and you could sit here and have a coffee and then sort that out in there put a sofa or a chair there and you can sit there and have a coffee and we'll get some outside furniture and you can sit there and have a coffee is that why you both do jobs so fast and slap dash because you're off your tits on coffee because you've always had a fucking coffee sick of it listen there's not that many pleasures in life right life is very stressful but i like to sit and have 15 minutes to have a coffee 17 times a day the whole house is set up for a place to sit and have 15 minutes to have a coffee whole 17 times a day the whole house is set up for places to sit and have a coffee it's like a fucking sitcom what is wrong with you today i don't like coffee as much as you do you want to bring yourself in are you okay

what's the matter i'm excited again sometimes rosie sometimes i get excited to do the podcast and sometimes it comes off as raw anger and i'm sorry it is we're not on we're not on the right when we are not on a level thing today. Right. So this is going to be weird because you're up here and I'm a bit down there. All right, I'll come back down. But when I come back down,

I mumble a bit on the mic and people complain. Yeah, you do mumble. I do, I start mumbling so I'm trying not to at the moment. Right. So there you go. Let's start again.

No, I'm not deleting all this. No, no, I just mean let's have a babadoo, babadoo, babadoo and bed there. Okay, okay. Reset. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. And breathe. And we're back. I'll have a littleadoo babadoo babadoo and bed there okay okay reset babadoo babadoo babadoo back and breathe and we're back i'll have a little sip of water good i haven't told you

about this but something happened to me last week that um people don't understand that chris and i things happen and we don't tell each other we save it for the podcast because with us being married we have nothing to talk about because we tell each other everything anyway we see each other every day does that make sense i think not yeah when we first started we were okay but then i think the whole being at home forever with each other yeah if i was on tour and stuff would have stuff to talk of course yeah yeah and yeah it's um it's good to just keep stuff sometimes sometimes you'll go the other day and i'll go is this good because should you keep it and it is really strange that we like keep so. It's weird. What a weird little marriage we've got. It's really weird.

I deliberately don't tell you things that have happened in my day. But now I'm looking forward to this story. Yes. Okay, so here's the story for you. When I went to the pub

last week for tea with a couple of friends, we were sat outside having a drink and I felt something on my head. I thought I'd been shat on by a bird okay right and i was like oh no like oh god i've been shat on and blah blah blah um turns out wasn't bird poo right it was a worm what how there was a worm on my head and the only way that I think it got there was from a bird that was flying past

that had a worm in its gob and it fell out on my head. And it's dropped it. How rank is that? That's horrible. It was awful. It was a horrible, hard thud on me head. And then me friend picked it out

and put it on the table and I was like, what? And it was still alive. And I was like, oh, what? Of course it was horrible put it on the table. I was like, what? And it was still alive. I was like, oh, why? It was horrible. It was really horrible. Were you sitting under like a parasol?

Or were you sitting under like... No. There was nothing above my head. Just skies. It was a belated bird. It had got this worm. I mean, the poor bird, because it was a big, lush, juicy worm. Gutted.

I mean, really weird that you would describe it as that. Well, it was. Like, you know... A big, lush, juicy worm, that is. Eee juicy worm that is what a waste i couldn't decide worm you sound like you ate it i did not eat it but it was just it was so grim and now i'm wondering whether it might have been good luck yeah do you think no no it's just awful really grim that i'm just you would rather you'd been shattered on no i'm glad it was a worm because I'd just washed my hair. And as a woman with long hair, like everyone listening will know,

it's just a fucking nightmare. I hate washing my hair. It's just horrible. So I was glad it wasn't shit because then I would have had to wash my hair again. Yeah. But I'm wondering whether it's happened to anyone else because it's not something that I've ever heard of. It's really bizarre.

So, you know, tweet us. Has it happened to anyone else because it's not something that I've ever heard of. It's really bizarre. So, you know, tweet us. Has it happened to you? Have you had a worm dropped on your head by a bird? Let me know. Have I ever told you

about the comedy club I used to play in Birmingham and the guy who used to run it had a lump on his arm, a big lump on the side of his arm. And to this day, I don't know if he's winding us up by how he got it.

No, you've never told me this. How did he get it? He told me he was on the beach sunbathing and a seagull was flying along and it died in mid-air and it nosed off to the ground and its beak landed in his arm no way his arm like a spear no he told me that i've never told you this net you've never ever ever told me this because i forget what things i've told in the pocket so i remember saying oh what is that lump on your arm and he was a bit of a piss take he was a joker um he did the voiceover for the kind of everyone put your phones away and bloody blah like when when all the crowd are sitting there he does he did that sort of voice thing he put a few little jokes in it um and he literally told us and i don't know if he's told any other comedians out there it i don't know if he's told any people i don't know if he it's one of them jokes where he

tells a different person a different thing. But he said this lump like on his shoulder and he said a seagull was flying along in the air and it just fell out of the sky and it sort of torpedoed on the ground and it went into his arm and it got infected off the seagull's beak. That's not true.

He said it went in his arm like a spear. Chris, he's had your life. He's probably had a mole removed. Right. And that's the scar. I'm going to continue believing the first one because that's more exciting a seagull

died mid-air and nosedove into his arm Rosie stranger things have happened I'm not having that like stranger things have happened that would have been

you'd have seen that on the news I think it was years ago it must have been years ago I don't know or does that sound like it happened to me cousin he goes to a different school you don't know him yeah and basically sound like, oh, it happened to me cousin. He goes to a different school.

You don't know him. Yeah, yeah. And basically this is all bullshit. You've got a girlfriend who met her on holiday. My girlfriend from Canada. No, I don't think that's true. I'm going to call bullshit.

How's a seagull ever died in midday and fell down out of the sky and landed in your arm? Email in. Shagranroady at gmail.com. Although there is a lot of stories like that. Was it somebody I know? The uncle was carrying

loads of plates and the cutlery was on top of the plates and a fork fell off and stabbed her sister's foot wow so

stuff like that does happen or did that did she make that up that one's fully believable the one you've just said someone dropped a fork

and it landed in someone's that is fully believable right yeah no that is a lot more believable that is so that's just something sharp falling that's so detached from the story i just told you're a mania i know okay fair enough that's like going well harry potter could be real because i saw a card trick once

fucking hell all right man i'm tired no no it's fine not i like that you were trying to back us up on that but i mean you know if we were in court and i was trying to prove that this was right and you said someone wants to drop a fork and it landed on her foot i'd go can the uh defense discard her statement because that's actually making me look worse let us think of something better let's think of something really strange that's happened to someone we know that makes that believable tell you what i can't think of that was strange that was absolutely awful that is linked to you getting a worm dropped on your head while you were at the pub with said friends said friend had left her car outside she'd parked her car outside of our house yeah i was in the house with our two children.

I put Rafe to bed. I sat. It was dusk. The sun was just going down. I sat in the living room with Robin, watching the telly, having a little pizza, little boys night in. I turned and saw that your friend's car was parked just outside of our window. Little did I know that the day before

this had been her husband's birthday and they had all bought masks of her husband's face, a la my stag do where they all bought masks of my face as well. She, in her infinite wisdom, had decided to leave one of the masks wrapped around the passenger seat of said car, facing our fucking window. And I looked and glanced into the car to see a no-eyed man staring at me from the darkness of the car

and i dropped a slice of pizza on the floor i shat myself that much friend who's listening you know who you are go fuck yourself that was not funny and i was very scared very funny when you said horrible horrible absolutely horrible I would have shared the photo but I didn't want the poor guy's photo to go all over the internet just because his wife hadn't moved the bloomin just I mean

she drove along the road with that what a nutcase I think the kids put it on there nutcase honestly I didn't like getting frights and that was a massive fright and there was no one

and I couldn't go to Rob and look at that isn't that scary because he's a kid I didn't want him to freak out so I didn't even tell him about it I just sat there shaking eating pizza

so funny would you rather that or a worm on your head worm on me head every time I can't describe how scared I was when I saw it it took a few seconds

to work out what it was it was horrible so funny horrible babadoo babadoo babadoo something that's been happening in our house recently so my mum has been staying with us

for like three nights of the week yeah because she looks after the kids when we do the podcast and work etc i was putting the washing away the other day yeah and honestly this is so i'm so embarrassed to say this and it's so ridiculous right Right. There was knickers in the washing that weren't mine. Right. And for a split second, genuinely thought you were having an affair. Well, see, I'm just telling you right now, the day I have an affair,

I will not be offering a laundry service to the woman I'm shagging. So the way I like to do it, love, is I like to shag you behind your wife's back and then I like to take your dirty washing oil, clean it for you, get it nice and ironed and bring it back to the service. And that mug, that mug washes them.

What I like to do is, yeah, I like to get her to wash it. It's like a power trip. Chris, it was a split second because then I was like, these are me mums. These are me mums, obviously. But for a a split second because then i was like these are my mom's these are my mom's obviously but for a very split second i was like who's these aren't mine wow and then i got annoyed because obviously my mom's like teeny tiny like mrs size eight and i was like oh she's really thin How ridiculous.

You are a maniac. I know, I know, I know. So anyway, yeah. If you do ever have an affair, don't bring our knickers home. Hey, listen, listen. It's part of the service. There's nothing I can do. It's just part of the service.

It's not like I can't take it off. I've not told you that. That's great. So funny. Wow. So, so funny. Wow. You're terrifying.

All at the same time you've got loads of game shows coming up yes and on one of them can't remember which one it is or whether you're allowed to say god knows you've got to pick a specialist subject haven't you yes i was thinking about this uh-huh if i got asked to pick a specialist subject right I could not pick one really no I was I was honestly

racking my brains like what do I know loads about yeah nothing places to sit and have a coffee in my

yeah I mean what there's like five places that's it name Rosie Ramsey job comedian podcaster

author special subject places in your house where me and my mum sit and have a coffee and ignore our children get out of the chair get out of the chair

and go home what would I pick I tried to think about it and I was like I just I thought about Real Housewives but then that's

you know pretty sad and pretty vague no but it's pretty didn't I'm sure Katherine Ryan picked Kardashians on something she went on well there you go I'm sure she picked because she loves Kardashians own it there's nothing wrong it's pretty good didn't um i'm sure katherine ryan picked kardashians on something she went there you go yeah she picked the car because she loves kardashians yeah own it

there's nothing wrong it's no no no no but then i was like i would pick real housewives of new jersey i'd have to pick just one right what season well this is the thing they'd go what such and such surname and i go i don't know i couldn't think of all the names you dip into stuff don't know. I couldn't think of all the names. You dip into stuff, don't you? Yeah, I dip into that. It's been on for years. Musicals? Oh, Les Mis. I could do Les Mis. You could do Les Mis.

All right. What year is Les Mis set? Cool, that was fun. 18, 1875. Is that right? I don't know. Let me see. Fuck's sake.

What do I put? Year Les Mis set? What would you put? Why don't you use a me see. Fuck's sake. What do I put? Your Lear Miz set? What would you put? Why don't you use a full sentence? What year is Lear Miz set? Oh, I just speak like I'm just typing. Where your Lear Miz set? 18-15.

I wasn't too bad. That wasn't too... I mean, I wouldn't have got it, though. Okay, okay. I wouldn't have won. Right. So, anyway. Well, they don't ask you just one question,

but that was just the first thing I come up with. Well, ask us another question about Les Mis. Well, I only know the main stuff. Well, that's not a specialist fucking subject then. Exactly. Back to my original thing. I don't know about anything enough at all. Right.

Okay. Let's, this is embarrassing because you actually don't. I really think, try and think of something that I would know about. Fully. Friends? Not really.

No. Yes, like, yes, I think I would. People get fully anorak on friends, though, don't they? They get crazy anorak on friends. Game of Thrones? No. No, fuck that. Too many long names.

Too many long names. Even in the height of watching Game of Thrones, I couldn't answer the question. I have no idea. I tried reading the book. Oh, yeah. No. No one's surprised. Now.

It was just, I was like, isn't reading meant to be pleasurable? I'm exhausted. Hey, I've had to Google 20 of these words.

This isn't fun. This is horrible. It's like a bloody exam. Awful. George, George, what do your two r's stand for we've got george you've got two r's you've got another first name what's going on well what i wanted to say was to our listeners who are listening now try and think of something that

would be your specialist subject right it's it's really hard it is difficult i had uh like a 20 minute conversation on the phone for one of these new sort of celebrity special game shows i'm doing soon what have you picked i don't know if i'm allowed to say what i don't know but it came right at the end i had the same thing i had a massive i said um lego um but i don't know you know depends what you ask us i actually threw up uh i actually threw pizza as a as a choice I was like what do you like

I was like a five year old I was like what do you like I was like pizza I like pizza what else did I say I like go-karts they were like do you like cars

do you like football I was like no I was like UFC and they were like yeah but that's too niche for like on the telly on a Saturday night we can't ask you questions

about the UFC I was like right that's the only thing I'm like anorak on like I do know quite a lot yeah yeah no but you are that kind of person you'll really get into something and you'll like to know the facts and the figures and all that shit whereas I I like to just enjoy it I don't really take it in I just enjoy it yeah yeah so there's nothing I could do he's literally had like a 20 minute conversation and right at the end I came up with I was literally saying goodbye to the researcher I spoke to

and then I was like oh my god I've just thought of it and then I said it okay yeah so tune in for that on the one show he's doing

tune in for that mystery subject on the one show that I don't know if I'm allowed to tell you the name of yet which might or might not be on soon on a channel

not the one show no no not the one show just on a game show the one show that I'm doing that I couldn't yeah

could I do Jack of Potatoes? What could you ask? Possibly. Well, no, because there's loads of different kinds of potato. See? Do you know what I mean? It would be like what, you know, what region of the country are... Maris Piper's from.

Well, I didn't know Maris Piper was a name, but yeah, well done. Well, now I'm worried that I've said the wrong thing. Fuck me. Is it a potato? Do you know you can't sit with Google on these game shows? You can't just whip Google out. Maris Piper is a potato. Maris Piper is a potato.

Good for mash. Jersey Royal a potato? Jersey Royal is a potato. Yeah. Probably from Jersey. I would hope so, with a name like that. Maybe. Oh, God.

See what I mean? It's painful. Don't pick potatoes. I'm sweating. I'm not doing it. Chips? Crisps. You could do crisps. I do love crisps. Flavors of crisps. Right, not doing it. Chips. Crisps. You could do crisps.

I do love crisps. Flavors of crisps. Right, there you go. Chocolate. You could do chocolate. I could do chocolate. There we go. I could just do food.

Food? Honestly. Maybe. Ask us anything about food. Okay. You got a question about food for us? How do you make triple cooked chips? You boil them for a bit.

Yeah. Cut them into chips. You boil them. And you fry them. Take them out. Fry them only very lightly. Yeah. Put them in a bit. Yeah. Cut them into chips, boil them, and you fry them. Take them out. Fry them only very lightly. Yeah. Put them in the fridge

for like a few hours or even 24 hours. Fry them again the next day. Right. Put them back in the fridge and then fry them again. What a fucking rigmarole that is. I mean, I've seen it

on a TV programme once and I was like, who the fuck's got time for that? That's craziness. And they don't even taste that much better. Well, I had some triple cooked chips the other day and I thought, these are nice, I'll do these.

I thought you only had to cook them three times, but that's mental. That's what I saw. And I always think, is that just... I saw that on a programme. Somebody, you take them out, put them in the fridge and then you cook them again. But I reckon, I'm sorry, I'm not being funny.

If you go to a restaurant, right, and they do triple cooked chips, they are not triple cooked. Kicking off. They're not, I'm sorry I'm not being funny if you go to a restaurant right and they do triple cooked chips they are not triple cooked kicking off they're not I'm sorry like Gordon Ramsay these have been cooked twice

one and a half times at best exactly I'm shutting yous down they'll have been cooked once and they just say they're triple cooked bullshit

imagine pretty roadside cafe with triple cooked chips I'm impressed that you knew that I am'm impressed that you knew that i am genuinely impressed that you were because i didn't i've never known why they called triple cooks i thought they did it three times i thought you had to boil fry then bake them i thought that

was the crack no i'm sure it was heston heston blumenthal got you okay well you've learned something guys celebrity chefs i could do it on celebrity chefs all right then if you find something i'll do a little quiz for you next week. Okay. If you find something. No. Right. I'll tell you my specialist subject now. Do it now.

Crisps. Crisps. And then you get me some questions next week about crisps. How the fuck am I going to get questions on crisps?

Just whatever you want. Five questions. Five questions on crisps. Yeah. Right. I'm excited. Guys. Should I make it easy

or should I stutter up? Let us know. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30 p.m. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game,

and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at TorontoRock.com. This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things.

Of evil. It's all for you. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. to be the mother Mother of what? Is the most terrifying 666 is the mark of the devil

Movie of the year The first Omen The Impeders Friday Get tickets now It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef What's going on? What's your beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. What's going on?

What's irritating the shit out of you? Listen, as I've already sort of given away what mine is, I might as well dive straight in with it. Yeah? Right. You ready for this? Yeah, come on. You've got too many nights out planned.

You've got too many nights out planned. You've had too many nights out since everything opened back up. I've had like one. You've had about six. It's like an episode of fucking Geordie Shore over here. No, no. I'm sick of it. I'm not having this.

Absolutely sick of it. No, I'm sorry, right? You, you've got a problem it's like an episode of fucking Geordie Shore over here I'm sick of it I'm not having this absolutely sick of it no I'm sorry right you've got you've got a problem right your problem you were going to go out with the lads last week

and then you get into your head that I am pissed off that you're going out and you live in this world of me being pissed out even though all I say to you is Chris go

why aren't you going blah blah blah and then I say to you in the final straw I go look here you've decided not to go it's got nothing to do with me

you crack on no you can shake your head all you want mate I'm going out I'm not being sexist here but blokes out there you know that thing where he goes

alright if I go with the lads and they go yeah get yourself out it's up there with I'm fine it's up there there's an undercurrent of get yourself out

but I'm going to be annoyed about it. No, I see where you're coming from, but absolutely, I swear on everything that I own, and the children, that I was not annoyed. Right.

I was, and your mate, Tell your face. More fool you. Tell your face. More fool you for not going. Tell you what, you,

honestly, it's like the bloody housewives of wherever. Real housewives of Northumberland round here, the amount of times you've been out getting bloody worms on your head and all kinds I've none out like it it's been once

yeah right you've been out about six times man I'm out on Sunday no I have not I've been out once Chris every time I go in my diary it says Rosie out with girls

you're out on Sunday you're out in a few weeks on the Saturday then you're out on the Sunday after that I've none out like it can't wait I'm going to book some in

you better watch out you better watch out you better watch out love because the whirlwind's coming the whirlwind's coming oh right great see this face you're'm going to book some in. You better watch out. You better watch out. You better watch out, love, because the whirlwind's coming. The whirlwind's coming. All right, great. See this face?

You're not going to recognise this face. Right, oh shit. It's never going to be here. What's going to happen? I'm going to be at the pub with the lads. Lads, lads, lads, lads, lads. Good for you. I'm buzzing, mate. It's been a shit,

absolutely shit year. And I just want to get out. And you know what? Oh, what are you want to get out? You want to see my diary? That's all it is. The taxi drivers. If they're right,

we'll get locked out again and make the most of it. Honestly. I open my diary, what are you going to get out? You want to see my diary? That's all it is. The taxi drivers. If they're right, we'll get locked out again. I'll make the most of it. Honestly. I open my diary. I see all the little dots on the iCloud, iCalendar diary or whatever. Someone will glance over my shoulder

and go, look at all them dots. Are you on tour again, Chris? No, it's just Rosie's nights out. That says Chris in the house. What does it say? It says, Muggins here putting both kids to bed.

Rosie comes in pissed. Oh yeah, do you know what? Rosie comes in pissed. Oh, yeah. Do you know what? Rosie comes in pissed. Comes in pissed. Comes in pissed. I'll get up with Rafe in the morning. The morning comes. Chris, can you get up with Rafe?

I've been up with him all night. But I'm dying. I stayed up with Rafe all night and then I had to get up with him again in the morning. Get out of this narrative. Stayed up all night. He wakes up once in the night. Once in the night. He's such a good sleeper. Stick a broom up me arse and

sweep the place while I'm at each other. Treat this place like a hotel, you. That's what you do. Chris, don't because I'm sick of this because I'll put on a picture of me out with the girls and all I get is out again, are you? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's right. Do you know why? Because the revolution

is here. It's here. You are so horrible to me me do you know what you should be saying you should be saying rosie do you know what you're in lockdown when you were pregnant yeah and couldn't have a drink yeah or do anything and you know how hard it was not being able to cuddle your friends yeah have a lovely time get yourself out that's what you should be saying but no you're not you're selfish little twat. You horrible, horrible, ugly, horrible man. Didn't you, Sophie? Because it's not true.

You're bloody trapped in... Oh, thank you very much. I forget about the pregnancy thing. Thank you. You're right, actually. You've been locked down. We were locked down and you were pregnant

and you couldn't have a drink and I was in the hot tub getting steaming on my own all the time, making full bottles of Riesling like a ledge no you're right you should get yourself out I can't say it

I can't finish a sentence go ahead come on no come on how are we get yourself out and enjoy yourself with your mates

while you make up for lost time go on thank you go on there you are you're still getting up a wave though my beef with you this week is

yeah it's getting into summer everyone's a little bit hotter you know sweat and all that kind of stuff yeah yeah yeah you on a night time yeah

keep putting your manky horrible feet under me nice throws and they stink this may have been my beef before because you're still doing it

right your feet stink you're putting them under the set there you're putting them under me throws and it's gross because then I come

to use that throw again and I might you know wrap it round us and get lovely and cosy all I can smell is your feet and it's grotesque. Wow. So let's rein that in, eh?

Wash your feet. I do wash them. I don't know what to do, man. I wash them, I have showers and that. They're just smelly. I can't help it. You've given it to Robin and Rafe. Their feet stink.

They've got it off me. I'm sorry. I don't know what to do. It's actually, yeah, Rafe's feet. You know when he's just a beautiful, lovely little baby and you look at him and you're like, oh, you're so gorgeous and I go kiss his feet and I'm like,

oh, fuck. They absolutely stink. Go on, son. Get your smelly clumpers out. He has a little bath every night and he still bloody stinks. Rolling over he is, isn't he? He's rolling over, yes.

He's rolling over. And he's proper chuffed with himself. He gets over and he's like, hello. And that, as I've said a million times before, is when the fun ends. Yeah, I know. When the baby can roll over.

It's not fun and games anymore. Goodbye. You can't just leave them somewhere. No. Fuck. I know it's really shit that, isn't it? It's so good when you can just hide them on the bed,

come back 10 minutes later, and they're still there. Yeah, yeah. Oh, hello. Where did you go? No way, because I'm the boss now it's like I'm mobile now

goodbye father but yeah wash my feet sorry thank you it's time for questions from the public public

public guys as always if you want to get in touch at shag my denoyed at gmail.com send us whatever you want and thanks again

for everyone who sent anything ever we'll love it thanks so much just before we crack on with questions from the public we haven't mentioned the tour yet

and I feel like we need to plug the tour still tickets available no we should plug the tour so my stand up tour the 2020 tour which has been rescheduled

yours is sold out did you not mean that one no I didn't mean that one I was expecting you to get kicked off there mine's not sold out mine's like it's very nearly sold out but with not mean that one no I didn't mean that one I was expecting to get kicked off there mine's not sold out mine's like it's very nearly sold out

but with some extra dates added and stuff but yeah what have you done oh did you hear that did your bone click oh oh

jeez Louise did your bone click aye something clicked did it hurt though yeah I'm alright I'm fine

are you dying I've got to do my own. I mean, I will survive, but that was awful. God, I'm so injured. No, our tour is... It's okay. Sorry. Everyone, what happened there was she shuffled herself in a seat and your hip must have clicked

or something. And you just started screaming, which is really professional on a podcast. I mean, what a professional setup. Well, we're literally in our house. This is the most most this is the least unprofessional oh sorry this is the least professional thing that i've ever done in my entire career again proved by the fact that you had to then re-say that i mean it's just great just behind the curtain um yeah so our tour our podcast tour is selling rapidly big rooms lots of space

going to be awesome stuff all of September's gone December dates there's still some tickets left get on it shagmydenoy.com and my tour I'm doing stand up as well

I know goodness me I'm doing stand up in the autumn and then in the spring still a few tickets left for many many many of the venues I sold out but there's still a few tickets left

for the other ones I can't wait to get back on stage I bet in both in both ways I just can't wait it's gonna be great gonna be great right questions questions hello rosie and chris my husband has many quirks but this is one of the oddest got you rather than lying down in the bath my husband kneels on all fours in the bath my husband kneels on all fours can you see him i could say well yeah because i've done it in places where you don't have yeah because um so when i first started stand-up i went and stayed with a comedian in london and he just lived in like a flat share and they didn't have a they didn't have

like he was like we've got a bath we don't have a shower we've got a bath he's like we didn't have a they didn't have a like he was like we've got a bath we don't have a shower we've got a bath he's like we don't have enough hot water to fill a bath so don't be like filling yourself a massive bath so he had these kind of two hoses yeah that go onto the plug went into one yeah i went on the shower head onto the plug so it wasn't a bath or a shower it was a shaft so i would be just on my knees and i would just get the thing and i would just because if you stood up it would go all over the floor you didn't have a shower curtain yeah so i'd go on all fours and i would sort of shower myself in his bath not to waste all his water but with an actual working bath in your own house this is ridiculous yeah well he's there's method in his madness right he claims it's

more practical as he can lean forward to wash his face and hair i only discovered this after we were married he normally always showers but after buying a new house together that only had a bath and hair. I only discovered this after we were married. He normally always showers but after buying a new house together that only had a bath this weird habit came to life. Wow.

Just sit down though. No matter how skinny the bath is. But he's taking away what a bath is. Like a bath is supposed to be relaxing. Yeah.

And he's on his you know. What the hell are you doing? Sat like a dog in a bath. Yeah. Just watch yourself at the sink you know. What the hell are you doing? Sat like a dog. Just like, yeah, just watch yourself at the sink,

you freak. What are you doing? Weird. Very strange. Freak, I haven't heard that for ages. Freak's good,

isn't it? Oh. Yeah. Hello, 14-year-old Chris. So they have, freak. Yeah,

freak. Oh, look at him, freak. What a freak. So, like, if they have a romantic

bath together, she'll be lying on her back and he'll be over on all fours. Like a dog standing over someone. There's names for that, Chris. There's a name for that. What is it? You know what it is.

What? Back to front. Kneel for two. Oh, I didn't mean that. I meant face to face, you monkey pup. Get your bloody head out of the gutter. You disgust me. Hello, Rosie and Chris.

When I was a child and had a friend round for a sleepover at my mum and dad's house, we stayed in our PJs the following morning to lounge around watching TV. As you do. Classic. My mum was busy tidying around us including sorting all clothes for the charity shop. When my friend's mum came

to collect her, we couldn't find her clothes anyway. My mum had taken them to the charity shop. When my friend's mum came to collect her, we couldn't find her clothes anyway. My mum had taken them to the charity shop. So my friend had to go home in her pyjamas and my mum had to go and buy her clothes back from the charity shop and deliver them to her house. That is wonderful.

And it says, have you ever accidentally done something bad to someone else's belongings and did you own up to it that's so good i just that's something my mom would do that's the kind of thing i would do well you always kick off because i always empty your juice and clean your cup when you're not even finished yeah that's another level that's what i aspire to be cleaning a guest's clothesending a guest's clothes to the charity shop. Oh, I mean, that is the ultimate fuck you. That is great.

Imagine how embarrassed you'd be, though. Do you know when you were a kid, and little stuff like your parents embarrass you. I've talked about when my dad used to, I always have his top off and that, and I'd be like, oh, dad, man, friends are coming around, put your top on for God's sake.

Just stuff like that. So bad. Just like, oh, dad, man, friends are coming around, put your top on for God's sake. Just stuff like that. So bad. Just like, oh, I'm so sorry. My mom has taken your clothing to the charity shop. So she's got to go back. She had to go back and buy it. How bad's that? Hey, rules is rules.

I love that. I like that the charity shop made her do that. Rules is rules. Or maybe they didn't make it. Maybe she was like, well, you know, I'll buy them back because you have lost out on, you know, she probably did. You've lost out on a sale or whatever.'s amazing mine do you know what no she just went back and got them she probably didn't tell them she probably went in pretended to browse

around for a while and just pick them up and bought them rather than going you'll never believe what i've done some people i mean i would tell them because i'm an idiot and i don't get embarrassed that easily by stuff like that um and i feel like telling people makes it better yeah and i don't think people talk about was when i leave a room do i so it doesn't i've never i haven't got that part of my brain no no you don't i don't think people gossip about was i think i i think as jason cook said years ago um when i leave a room i basically just think people sit there waiting for us to come back that's awful he goes when you leave do you think people just wait until you come back? I'm like, yeah, probably, aye.

Sometimes I'm so embarrassed to be married to you. Like, I'll do, I'll love you, and I adore you, and you're great, but Jesus Christ, working together at the minute, I'm so embarrassed. You've got no filter. You say exactly what's on your mind. Not nastily. I don't want to have a gold peel. I don't want to make people feel bad.

You're saying, like, I just... No, you don't think you do, but you do. Do I? Yeah, you're nastily. I don't want to have a gold peel. I don't want to make people feel bad. You're saying like, I just... No, you don't think you do, but you do. Do I? Yeah, you're a dick. You called someone a dickhead yesterday when we were on set. Oh, yeah, that was a joke.

They did not take it as a joke and it did not sound like a joke, Christopher Ramsey. I was mortified. He laughed. It's different banter. You're a northerner. We have completely different...

The tone of the accent. Why when I left did that exact same guy say, hey, it's been a real laugh, a real pleasure working with you. Thank you very much for being so nice to work with. Why did he say those exact words? Obviously, he must have took that when I was mortified. Well, there you fucking go then.

Stop being mortified. What happened was, we were in a place, we can then stop being mortified what happened was we were in a place we can't say what it was we were in a place filming and the cameraman got round and the lady moved quite a heavy bit of

machinery and it hit him and she went he's sorry I went oh don't worry about it he's been being a dickhead all day it's about time he

got his come up and something like that and he laughed no it wasn't that it wasn't that time it was a different time what was it it was a different time

he said something he was a dickhead he was being a dickhead. He was being a dickhead and I meant that. He's deviated. Fair enough. Mortified. Hello, guys.

Massive fans over here. And we wanted to send a quick story for you both that's non-poo related. Don't want to hear it. Next. Well, mainly, but exceptionally funny all the same. I will preface this with the fact that this is my husband's story and he is a doctor. Oh, doctor, doctor.

Send me some pills. So when he was training, he was looking after the prostate post surgical clinic. And it's not about poo, but he was looking after the prostate post-surgical clinic and it's not about poo but he was in the arsehole clinic well yes but i mean how's this i don't understand what's happening well listen would you just calm down your little jimmy riddles right and listen i know it's not i know it's not a prostate isn't an arsehole but it's the it's up inside the arsehole yeah it is

yeah yeah he had a gentleman who had his procedure a few days ago and had been discharged, but called up to express a bit of discomfort. Oh, goodness. He was reassured that it is normal to feel a little uncomfortable down there for a few days. Not bad. He called back another time the next day,

saying it's still a bit uncomfortable. The nurses also reassured him on the phone that it's completely normal he never went into any details and was reluctant to say too much so after a week he had called back and said that it's really getting very uncomfortable down there and that he really thinks he needs to be seen now it's gonna be the god so they of course said please do come into the clinic today and we will take a look it's about now i will mention the fact that a lot of men who have prostate procedures

shall we say are a little older and often an older gentleman may have a slightly more uh how to put this a saggy scrotum great oh what have they done what's happened oh come on come on just let us have it now when you have a lot of these procedures, the men will be on a bed in stirrups for access to the prostate through the bum hole. And in these older men

with a saggier scrotum, it often gets in the way. So the surgeon will often pull them up to the pubic area and put in a little stitch to hold them during the procedure and then remove it at the end

with the patient on the wiser. I didn't know that. Use tape? What are you stitching it for? No, they'd stitch it because you're numb. You with the patient on the wiser. I didn't know that. Use tape? What are you stitching it for? No, they'd stitch it because you're numb. You're numb and on the wiser, so they stitch it. What the hell are you doing? Chris, I'm not being funny, right?

There's so many things go on when you're in an operating theatre, you know, under the knife. You don't know what they're doing. Moving stuff. Careful, careful. We might get sued. This is libelous, this. Careful.

Is it? Don't be saying that. They're just moving stuff and doing different things. Well, did you know that the bloody saw your bits to you that to your leg i won't have it i won't have it use some fucking gaffer tape what's the matter with his mind but it wouldn't it would get in the way how i'm just saying and i mean it in a in a surgical way they'll move your organs around and everything to get into things right okay so you don't know in a bad way all right okay I thought you were saying they were like, you know, resting coffees on you.

No. Right, okay, okay. Oh, God, no, I don't. Come on, Malpractice. Come on. I've got the utmost respect for all doctors and nurses and surgeons and all that kind of stuff. I thought you were claiming that they were messing about.

No, but they do have to move stuff. Oh, God, so they stitch that. They stitch the scrotum to the leg on the saggy balls when it's getting in the way. Come on. They'd left it in, hadn't they? They'd fucking left it in. Come on.

Come on. Poor sod. Oh, heavens. So everyone in the clinic was exceptionally surprised when the aforementioned gentleman came in, dropped his drop trow, Yeah, drop trow. to expose his bollocks still stitched up to his pubic area

poor little bugger oh no they had been up there for a week oh my god how the poor guy got by I have no idea

and he thought it was absolutely normal oh no bless his heart so out of the pubic area so how do I not the leg darling they are stitched

over the top up to his pubic yeah his balls are stitched over the top of his dick the pubic area so harder not the leg darling they are stitched over the top up to his pubic yeah his balls are stitched over the top of his dick his pubic area do your balls hang low

can you toss them between your toes can you toss them can you throw them at your pubic area like a regimental soldier do your balls hang low mental

absolutely madness yeah they were stitched to his pubic area so in the same way that you know when a woman gets out of a shower and puts a towel

around her head and then spins it round and then flicks it up that's essentially what his bollocks had been done how did he use his penis i mean i don't the stuff we've heard i don't know poor bugger goodness maybe he was just like oh like this is what has to be this is what they've done this yeah well yeah because you are very trusting and you go well well, look at this. This is how I am now. I can't believe it. Moira, this is me penis area now. What I've done is a lift. A ball lift.

May. Pua. Blow. So there you go. But I thought that was quite interesting because I didn't know that was something that they did. Interesting. Terrifying. Sad.

Funny. It had everything. It's got a bit of everything. And he's okay. He's still alive to tell the story now. Oh, my God. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, b story now this is a little bit mucky okay and we've had it's kind of in a similar vein because i think what happens with this podcast is that i think people hear a story and it reminds them of

something else yeah so sometimes when i'm looking through i'm like that's quite similar to this but so we've chatted about stuff like this before but i just thought it was interesting and and rank all at the same time interesting and rank is it's my go-to listen buckle up always here we go hi rosie and chris me and the missus are really loving the excellent podcast and thought you might be interested in hearing something that happened where we work please keep us us anonymous though. Always. Okay. Me and the wife work at one of the country's largest sex shop chains. Ooh. Imagine.

How interesting is that? Largest sex shop chains? Yeah. Okay. One of the products we sell are those creepy, uber, realistic and bespoke sex dolls that sell for nearly £4,000 a pop.

You're bloody... £4,000? I paid bloody £10 for my... They are frightening. Is that who you're putting the knickers on? Yeah, yeah. I don't do sex, I just dress her. Dress her and take her out. Honestly, I'd rather you have sex with them. If you just had them

dolls and just dressed them and just sat with them, I'd be like, no, that's worse. I saw a documentary once about a guy who collected loads of them didn't he liked any of them and his wife was sitting there just gutted oh his wife yeah he had a wife as well but he had like i don't remember anyone who's seen it you'll know he was just like devastated and just like he just had them just sitting around the house i'm sure there's a photo of them sitting on the sofa with them and she's just there as well, just like, didn't have a holiday this year because he bought another one of them.

Do you remember, do you remember a few years ago when there was a story in the paper of this couple, an elderly husband and wife, and they were like outraged because somebody had hacked their computer and spent like 400 pound on porn sites and the man's like it's just it's blatantly him the photo is her outraged and him the look on his face is very much no one tell her. Yeah, I didn't know I'd been in the computer I got hacked, didn't it, Roger?

Yeah. Oh, yes, I hacked. Couldn't believe it. I've seen this on here. The bloody brother put this in the brother. On my computer. Look at this.

It was my mouth. It'd been in my chair. Look at this. My credit card details. Look at it. Told the lass my name. They've got Roger. Look at that, man.

Bloody lass. Poor lass there had to write roger and her tits in whipped cream i didn't ask for her to do that four hundred quid that cost us so funny crazy so funny anyway right let's hear about this sorry can i just say as well that like i think men or you say that men have got like you know got it easier in the world and stuff you know we don't have to have kids we don't have to have periods it doesn't take long as long to get ready you know it's a sweeping generalization these are certain things that you say to me i think and i think i might have mentioned this before when it comes to sex toys i think men have been absolutely shafted women can get a little tiny vibrating little thing you put it in your bag you can take it

wherever you want you use it on a fucking airplane toilet if you wanted right blokes have got to buy a bloody six foot lifelike inflatable fucking thing. How are you going to hide that? How are you going to hide that? Even a fleshlight's fucking massive. How are you hiding these?

Oh, I didn't. I just feel like it's like, I don't know, I feel like it's a deliberate fuck you to men. It's like,

yeah, go on, you can have that you dirty sod because you're a man and because you've got it a bit easier. Shame. Shame.

Look at that. You're going to have to build a cellar to hide your sex stuff in whereas your wife can just pop it in a little bag and put it the back of a cupboard no do you know what it is chris no shame no shame like you know there's shame well there's shame i think it's because it's they make them so lifelike it's just ridiculous like it is a bit i don't know i suppose with women it can be like a little vibrating little button or a little bulb

a little but like men it's like you've got to go into a sex shop and go yes I'll have do I want the redhead

or the brunette which one would I that one please put it over your shoulder like a fucking fireman and walk home on the bus and that morning

morning you alright lovely weather innit yeah yeah well you having a barbecue now I'm going to go home and fuck this that I've got it's so fucking miserable that is the worst Good morning, you alright? Lovely weather, innit? Yeah, yeah. What, are you having a barbecue? Nah, I'm going to go home and fuck this that I've got.

It's so fucking miserable. That is the worst thing you've ever said. So, this husband and wife work in one of the shops that sell the dolls for £4,000. Uber life like £4,000 doll. Yeah. Incredible. We got a visit from a man about 40 years old who I shall call Norman. He ordered one of these said sex toys. I mean, pick the name of the most famous movie serial killer ever,

why not? Come on, man, give the lad a chance. This man, who I shall call Hannibal, Hannibal. A gentleman came in who I shall name Freddy Krueger. Shoveled in, in his straitjacket to collect his doll. Norman, I'm so hot. Why have you given that name?

I love it though. He ordered one of these said dolls, which can be customised to taste, hair, eye etc okay anyway oh sorry you mean taste in women not you lick it and it tastes like vanilla or something no i meant customized to taste like they taste in women yeah i mean you probably can i want one where when i kiss her she just tastes like she's been smoking I want her to taste like turds vodka and turds I want her to taste like she's just had

a bolognese and some garlic bread and then a quick fag outside and a glass of Sauvignon so it feels like I've met her on a night out oh yeah oh god

I've made myself feel a bit sick that's so sad. Sorry, sorry. I wanted to taste like a pint of wood pickle. Fair play to the lad, because he's gone in face to face. Yeah, he's not bothered. Bald as brass.

So anyway, about six weeks later, Norman came to pick up the doll. In person? No! I was joking. When I said he'd take it home on the bus, I was joking. No, he came to pick it up. But this time, he was joking. When I said he'd take it home on the bus, I was joking. No, he came and picked it up. But this time, he was with a much older gentleman.

Norman seemed very happy, and we made the transaction. At which point, the older man says, I'm paying for this. I'm his dad. No! No fucking way, man. Listen, Chris, listen to this. I said, oh, this to this. I said... Oh, this is awful.

I said to Norman, you're very lucky having your dad pay for it. At which point the father says, well, I'm going to get some use out of her as well. Oh, you are kidding. That's why we wanted it to look like his mother. No! And it says on here, 100% true, I promise you.

No! That's wrong, isn't it? Wrong, gross, awful. Oh! I don't know what that... Rosie and I went from having a really good time, having a little giggle there, to being really sad and scared.

They've made a doll that looks like his ma, and they're going to share it, him and his dad. And this is why the world is fucked. This is why there's a pandemic. I mean, it's not. Let's not blame... No, it is. It is, Chris.

Who's... I'm sorry. Get one. Norman, crack on. Have a lovely time, right? Diven, be sharing it with your dad Rosie times are hard no

I mean here's £4,000 to be fair I mean oh my god I can't I mean I feel

I feel sad there is people you can see them Rosie I've gone all cold it is horrible isn't it I mean I don't even

I'm gonna skirt over the looking like the man thing because I feel like I'm gonna make myself sick if I talk about that let's concentrate on the fact that what what we've all had a parent shout through

from another room when we live with them when you live with your parents we've all had a hey you not bloody flush this toilet eh you not flush this bloody toilet hey shout through from another room when we live with them, when you live with your parents. We've all had a, hey, you know, you know, bloody flush this toilet, eh? You know, flush this bloody toilet. Hey, you know, bloody squeegee the shower. It shouts bloody so it's going to get grime in it.

Norman's going to get. You know, bloody scoop your spot out of your mum and give her away. You know, you would never run out of Dettol. We'll go and get some of the sub Dettol under the sink, man. I've had a couple of cans I'm jumping in there I've got your bloody man juice Chris would you

stop with that I'm jumping in there that's horrible honestly I can't actually joke about this because it's really it's actually

turned my stomach I feel ill honestly I feel ill I feel absolutely do you know as a mother... Don't. Would I be flat-headed? I don't know.

Because there's part of you that thinks they could have made it look like anyone. And they've chose me. You are desperate for compliments you are tragic you're a tragic figure that's the worst thing you've ever said you've been listening to this week's episode

of Shagmaridenoid which is now part of the Acast Creator Network now listen if you enjoy listening to our podcast, which we really hope you do, you can vote for us for the Listener's Choice Award at the British Podcast. We did win it last year. But let's do a double.

But you can still vote for it if you'd like. We're not nominated for anything else in the British Podcast Awards. So why not go for Listener's Choice? Which is the only one that really matters, let's be honest here. Absolutely. And you know, I'm buzzing out with one at once but

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bye See you soon, guys. Bye. The visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock

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