Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 123. Case closed

Episode Date: July 2, 2021

On the podcast this week the pair get topical, they return to the toothbrush saga and get opinionated over star signs. There is a stinky beef and some fabulous QFTP's... enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagmode Annoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and me husband, Christopher Ramsey. Yay, hello indeed. Hi everyone. How are you, Rosie? I'm alright, how are you? Listen, I know every single week I tell you what episode it is, and you genuinely could not give a shit.

Couldn't give two flying fucks. I think that's going to change this week. Why? It's episode one, two, three. That's alright, actually. I thought you'd like that. Is that good? I'm trying to think of? It's episode one, two, three. That's all right, actually. I thought you'd like that. Is that good? I'm trying to think of a song.

Oh God, please don't. No. What's the Gloria Estefan one? Oh, it's that one. No, no, no, no, no. No, don't sing in the intro. One, two, three, four. Come on, baby, say you love me

five, six, seven times. It doesn't count because it's just... Eight, just let us get nine, ten, eleven. I've just got to keep on dancing till you are mine. I think I've got a problem. I can't start a song without finishing it.

Anyway, I'm done now. 1, 2, 3. 123. Episode 123. So there you go. That is a lot. That is a lot of hours. A lot.

A lot of time. A lot. Holy shitbags. That's a lot. And guys out there, thank you for being with us every single step of the way. Or if you're a new person, you've just come on board, you've got 122 episodes to listen to. Bloody hell.

Do you know what? Actually, does it sound big-headed? I don't know, right? Because it's our podcast. It's weird. I still find it very strange that people listen to this and that they binge it. And that they're like, oh, I've got all of it to listen to but honestly if i started listening to something or watching a program

and then i found out and i liked it yeah and then i found out there were like 122 more episodes i'd be absolutely buzzing hey imagine they had a live tour as well and a book oh that was really that was painfully loud. That was horrible. We've got all them things? We have got all them things. There's a book. There's a paperback's coming out soon for the book.

And then the tour. September's all sold out. And December's happening. Look, listen, Rosie, Rosie. What? It's episode 123. This is the introduction. You know, it's 123 episodes.

It's a long time. I've run out of sponsors. No. No, you haven't. I absolutely haven't. This week's sponsor is... Yes. Ruffling Your Ham.

Ruffling Your Ham. Hey, hey. Are you in the house? Are you in the house? Currently living with someone who has made you a ham sandwich and they have just put those bits of ham completely flat on the bread.

Uh-huh. That's me. You might as well be in prison. Get out of there right now. There's a support group. Just click your dial 999. Escape. Leave.

Run. If they're not ruffling your ham, you need to leave. Well, listen, I'm going to stop you there. Ruffle the ham. I didn't know. Oh, hey. Get the bread there.

No, I'm not finished. Don't you dare interrupt. But I've got something to say. Hey, put that bread down. Get that mayonnaise on. You fat bitch. Or whatever it happens to be. Ruffle that ham. Don't you put that flat. Don't you dare whatever it happens to be ruffle that ham

don't you put that flat don't you dare put that flat you ruffle that ham mmm give it a little fold next one next one like a little

like a little magic carpet gliding through the air mmm ruffle that ham texture taste mmm ruffle that ham

sorry what was what we were saying I was saying I was saying I didn't know that doing sorry was what we saying I was saying I was saying I didn't know that doing that was a thing before I met you absolutely

it is not awful you are of a very small minority of people who ruffle a fucking ham sandwich sorry sorry when you buy a professionally

made ham sandwich in a shop is the ham ruffled or is it flat in I'll tell you right now I'll answer for you in shithole establishments it's flat nice places the ham ruffled or is it flat in I'll tell you right now I'll answer for you in shithole establishments it's flat

nice places ruffled ruffled away waves of ham I still have it flat sending you on your way you are you make it like

says the man who doesn't know how to make a jack of potato how dare you stick your ruffled ham up your saggy arsehole

because you can't cook for shit ruffle your ham, learn how to cook, mate. Excuse me, I'm not even going to take offence here at the fact that you think I can't make a jack of potato. Any fucking idiot can make a jack of potato. You can't make a jack of potato. That's why they taste like hot sponge. Absolutely nothing,

right? The fact that you have claimed that I've got a saggy arsehole is one of the most, one of the most offensive things. I've got it, I'm telling you what, it's like a balloon knot back there. Honestly. Bottles of beer were my bumhole. I'm telling you what, it's like a balloon knot back there. Honestly. Bottles of beer were my bum hole, I'm telling you. It's absolutely taut.

It's like a snare drum. How dare you. You, don't you ever bring my bum hole into this again, you monster. And for the record, again, I do stand by it. Jack of potatoes are the food of boring twats. Well, honestly, sign me up. What do you want for your dinner? Do you want any taste?

No, I just want a really big, stodgy bit of fucking nothing. You're so wrong. How big? The size of me fist? You're so wrong. And what portion of that do you want to be tasty and have any texture? Just the really thin outside bit and all of the middle. I want it to be fucking pointless, like and all of the middle I wanted to be

fucking pointless like the inside of the sun honestly you couldn't be more wrong rubbish you couldn't be more wrong and to be honest I'm glad that you don't like them

because I don't think you deserve a jacket potato actually I don't think you deserve the luxury luxury it's the least it is the least

luxurious food in the world well I've actually had to cut them out for a little bit because I was eating them all the time and then you know I wasn Well, I've actually had to cut them out for a little bit because I was eating them all the time. And then, you know, I wasn't losing any weight, so I've cut them out. I haven't had one for weeks.

Is that because they're a big, horrible, massive, big chunk of stodge? Yes. A taste of nothing. Right. Yeah, listen. What do you put on a jack potato? I put butter, lots of it, right?

Tuna, mayonnaise, sweet corn, all mixed together with a little bit of balsamic vinegar and salt and pepper. So what you're saying is you have to put a lot of different flavours on the potato to make it nice. Of course you do. Fantastic. Thank you very much. Case closed. Your honour.

It's called a meal. It's called a meal. Case closed, your honour. Holy shit. Case closed. Where's my case? I'll close it. I hate you.

Where is my case? Hate. Hate. Is that my case in here? Loathe. Oh, play the jingle, you fucking dick. Here's the jingle. I've got lots to talk about. Lots been going on.

We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle, jingle, jingle So this is the jingle Jingle, jingle, jingle We hope you like the jingle Jingle, jingle, jingle

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Maradonoid. On behalf of Chris and myself, we just want to apologise for that introduction because it was very shouty, very sweary. We're peaking and swearing and getting far too excited in the intros far too early. I know. It's either giving people a shock,

right, or, you know, getting them to expect that it's going to be that level of intensity throughout. And you just can't keep that up, Craigie. I do like you.

I love you. I can't shout at you for that long. It's just not something I can do. Yes, you absolutely can. So don't even lie. You know I don't like arguing. You're horrible at me. Don't you.

Don't you ever. You know I can't argue. You know I don't enjoy arguing horrible to me don't you don't you ever you know I can't argue you know I don't enjoy arguing no you really really shit at it really affects us we had an argument

the other day and I went out on my bike I couldn't enjoy the bike ride I was sad the whole way around really sad

that's when I came up with the idea of a cow in a field was it I got jealous of the cow yeah I was like I bet you're having an argument day

Mr Cow but then again the cow since thinking about that the cow doesn't have a bike like, yeah, I bet you're having an argument today, Mr. Cow. But then again, the cow, since thinking about that, the cow doesn't have a bike. So I do win there. No. So there we go.

It would be weird to see a cow on a bike. I'd love to see a cow on a bike. Anyway, listen, shut up. Oh, hey. It's been a big one this week. Yes. There's been a lot going on. It's been a big one.

Listen, I just want to say it before we continue. I just want to say it here, Rosie. I just want to get this out in the open. I just want to apologise. During the lockdown, want to say here Rosie, I just want to get this out in the open I just want to apologise. During the lockdown, when no one was allowed to see each other, I kissed and embraced a married woman and I'm apologising now. Is the case

closed? Are you apologising? I'm apologising to you now. Right, okay then will I accept your apology and the case is closed? The case is closed, happy days. You must be fucking terrified of me Mrs Prime Minister! If you don't know what we're talking about, then where have you been? Because there's been a lot going on.

We're all talking about that porn video that got leaked. Honestly. He nearly had his finger in her bum. Yeah. He nearly had his finger in her bum. Listen, listen. Don't give a shit that he was having an affair.

Whatever you want to do, crack on. None of our business. Didn't be having an affair with Whatever you want to do, crack on. None of our business. Devon to be having an affair with someone who doesn't live in your house when you are telling the nation to not see, speak, hug, touch, look at anyone from outside of their household bubble,

you fucking arsehole! Rosie seems to be on the fence about it. How do you feel about this I can't read how you feel honestly honestly I can't

I just can't you called it the other day by saying you don't trust any of them the other day I've been saying this since last year you definitely only said it once

they are the least trustworthy people and they run the country and it actually terrifies us I feel like I've got a theory i feel like they're all being little posh boys in that i feel like just grown up they haven't had like a good smack around the face no none of them have to just square them out it's absolutely right

i feel like they haven't been you know i feel like real life hasn't touched them and they're just like money money and my rules will fucking solve everything They've never been on a bus and a gang of lads has come over and said, give us 20 pence. Yeah. They've never had that fear of somebody coming over. They've never been in a nightclub and some lasses whack them in the face. Or spill the pint over their head.

That's happened to me before. The way he goes on, I imagine he's been whacked in the face by numerous lasses. I know, but I just... Anyway, listen, listen. Look, we don't just anyway listen we don't get into it too much but it's just such I just feel so sad for the people

who didn't see people who were loved ones who were dying because of the rules and sticking to the rules and they've missed out on people's last years what? and the man who was giving out the rules

was shagging somebody else from not his house. And I just... Absolutely wasn't in his bubble. Honestly, I find it so, so sad. So sad. And anyway, I just, yeah, I hope everyone's all right. Because like I say, I don't give a shit that he's having an affair. But it's just the circumstances surrounding it and i hope everybody's okay who you know there

was a lot of people who really really did stick to the rules because they thought they were doing the right thing yeah and um and i just feel really sad for those people who luckily we we've been in a situation where we've you know managed to see the really important people in my eyes in bubbles and whatever and thankfully grandparents were okay but if something had happened to my grandparent and I hadn't seen them and they died and then I saw a video

of that I would have been absolutely furious on people's behalf so anyway we just always just want to hope that you're okay and sending us a little bit of moral support yes and uh apparently theaters are going to be able to open full capacity uh from tomorrow right as long as matt hancock can finger people in the back row is that what it is that's the rule apparently yeah apparently if matt hancock can go there

and finger someone uh preferably a married person, then all venues can open. But he's going to be busy because he's got to do my full tour. Right. He's going to have cramp. He's going to have to wear a splint or something. Bowling glove. Tell you what, though.

What the fuck is wrong with us? Here's something which happened this morning, though. I went on Oliver Bon bonus and bought some stuff. Is that her fella? Yeah. Oh, well, he needs all the support he can get. Brought it to the forefront of my mind and I was like,

I actually haven't looked on there. They've got some lovely stuff. See, that's another thing. I feel like they're not, they're definitely absolutely beyond elite and beyond anything that we've, because if a video, right, of me or one of my mates

came out of me necking on with a married woman the first thing all of my mates would think and worry about was her husband's gonna come and kick me fucking head in none of that's happening do you think he's worried about getting his head kicked in don't know why just because that's like sort of that's another that's how how detached they are from our level of existence. Yeah. Working classes. If you find out, you'll be like,

oh, fucking husband's going to come and bray you. That's always the initial thing. Okay, yeah, yeah. You'll not be worried about that. No. I don't know. I don't know. I don't think he's got any worries.

Sociopaths! The lot of them! But anyway. There's this week's politics fucking dealt with. So we carry on. So we carry on so we carry on dealt with what else has been happening

so big news I got a new toothbrush well hang on though no you didn't get a new toothbrush well yeah well basically it was so ridiculous the last week we mentioned

you mentioned that we were sharing a toothbrush and you were angry and I said you haven't opened that new toothbrush that I got you and then I opened it

for you yesterday and I turned it on and you immediately saw that it is indeed touchscreen. And you immediately gave it to me. Why? Why do we need a touchscreen electric toothbrush? Why? No, on, off. What else do you need to do? I got the toothbrush out of the box. I was standing brushing my teeth using our toothbrush with the head.

I've got a little blue head that I put on she's got a little red head that she's put on and I was standing and she went I can't believe I've got to wait for you wait for you

to brush your fucking teeth and just stand in there tapping her foot well because I was just like we work so hard you know we're doing iRead and we're sharing a toothbrush listen listen

I keep you grounded right now what I did was I had to obviously do as you've heard guys right I'm now I'm in a catch 22 here because I can give you

the toothbrush and go here you can have it but then I haven't done the full two minutes so I get bollocked for that so I've got to do the full two minutes while you're standing

tapping your fucking foot glaring at us so I went and got the one oh you got the one out in the box that was under the sink you opened it you gave it to me

you went what do I do and I turned it on and it said select language why do you care why you got foreign teeth oh sorry like why do you care why you got foreign teeth oh sorry like why why do you need to know your language to brush your fucking teeth foreign i hate this i hate honestly i had to choose

the language it was like setup language english then i had to choose what light what color the light on the top was like i was building my own lightsaber and uh i just heard her over my shoulder go do you want to have that one and i'll just keep ours and i went yeah and just under her breath went hi it's got fucking you written all over it that toothbrush has and the best you know the best thing is i left i put it in the other room to charge right this is this is why i love our son robin so much because he's a little me i put it in our other bathroom to charge and he ran in this morning and he went daddy have you got a new toothbrush and i went the black one on the thing he went yeah i went yeah he went it's so cool and i went come here i'll show you change his color and he was like yeah you would just run off and we're just a couple of geeks together

with a toothbrush and that's what i love so much so good why why though why listen why are you why are you living in the past i don't why i just think to brush your teeth i do love an electric toothbrush oh oh no double standards see there'll be people listen to this going why don't you just there's so much better for your teeth they really are but um and more so i like the fact that it just times you that's what i like because then you know because when you brush your teeth manually, you don't know how long you're doing. You heard yourself. Look here.

You sound like one of the robots from the future. Manually. Scumbag. So you, see, that's the ridiculousness of you. You absolutely are totally loving electric toothbrushes and you won't go back to a normal one where you just brush it with your hand. But put a fucking screen on that

and ask what colour, ask what language you want, get it in the bin. Pointless. I'm sorry. Why do you need to know what language exactly why you need to know right because you're stealing me stealing my identity you choose you choose what setting you want it on right there's daily brush there's intensive there's tongue brush there's gum brush there's super sensitive no won't have it just ease off goes red if you're doing it too hard stupid jealous of me toothbrush no absolutely not

you can have it forever good babadoo babadoo babadoo bah speaking of teeth uh huh Ralph's got his new little tootie pegs

coming in he's got two little bottom teeth yeah that's something funny isn't it that's a proper northern thing

what tootie pegs tootie pegs we call them tootie pegs when babies are getting their teeth in and it was so funny because we went tootie pegs tootie pegs we call them tootie pegs when babies are getting their teeth in and it was so funny because we went

to our mate's kids Cody's little party the other day his first birthday and big shout out to Cody

had a lovely birthday love to the family what a lovely day we had it was absolutely class

felt normal again guys it was fantastic it was really lovely and I mean you got absolutely hammered

as soon as I got there hadn't seen all my mates for ages they were all in one room I went honestly i must have had four bottles of beer in the first 15 minutes no you really did after an hour and a half threw them down my neck after an hour and a half of you ignoring me and the kids yeah i had to go over there and say chris

just a little polite reminder you've got two children two which can you remember what i said i was standing a group of people you came over and said chris you got two kids they're here can i what i said to you no uh who is this lady i said it the way it is who is this lady why is she bothering us i think she wants a selfie can you please remove her from the venue you actually did say that awful but no i had to remind you that you had kids there because you just sat down with your mates and completely forgot yeah do you remember when you went when the buffy opened yeah and you just got yourself some dinner yeah yeah it just got me over i got loads of slices of pizza for myself nobody else went stood and ate that yeah no listen rosie no every man for himself are you gonna apologize every man for himself absolutely not i was enjoying it's so bad do you know what i completely

got fought i'm surprised i wasn't like you know atomic level hungover the next day. Because if you guys weren't there and we weren't going home in the car, you driving, obviously not me. Thank you again for being designated driver. I would have ended up fucking two in the morning still drinking. I know you would have. Yeah, it would have been crazy.

I just got so... All my friends were there who I haven't seen for a year and a bit. You have seen them. Obviously because we're not all at the same time. It doesn't count. It's not the full... It's not all the Power Rangers,

if not all the Power Rangers are there, but all the Power Rangers, the full gang, we're back together. We do call ourselves... No, we don't. Do you know what I mean? It's not the Avengers. You're not watching an Avengers film

if it's just Thor and Hulk. That's why the Thor and Hulk one was called Thor Ragnarok, not the Avengers. You're not watching an Avengers film if it's just Thor and Hulk. That's why the Thor and Hulk one was called Thor Ragnarok, not Avengers 3. Hence why I can't enjoy Phantom and the Winter Soldier. Because I just want the rest of them to turn up. Phantom and the Winter Soldier.

What are they called? Falcon. Falcon and the Winter Soldier. Yeah, yeah. Fair enough. I am watching that on my own now. I've been given the permission. So yeah, we're all there together

and I got too excited and I saw them and they were like it's table service and I stood near a table and I said two bottles of Corona and that just kept happening for a couple of hours

and I didn't realise until we left or was it the next day and I went how many did you have and you were like six to eight bottles I was like

six to eight bottles honestly I might have been downplaying that it might have been close at a ten no way yeah I got so excited Chris throwing it back

buzzing getting them for everyone ridiculous tipping the waitress just losing my mind Johnny Johnny Hollywood came out tell you what oh I hate it No way. Yeah, I got so excited. Chris? Just throwing it back, buzzing, getting them for everyone. Ridiculous. Tipping the waitress, just losing my mind. Johnny, Johnny, Johnny Hollywood came out. Tell you what. Oh, I hate it. I hate it when you go Johnny Hollywood.

It was really exciting. It was just so nice to see everyone. I know, I know. And yes, I did forget you. I forget to feed the kids. I forgot. Robin was outside climbing a tree at one point. Yeah. I shouted at my mate.

I was like, is Robin there? And he pointed up into the tree and I couldn't see him for the leaves. And I thought, he'll catch him if he falls. No. Another bottle of Corona, please. Great day. You fucking... Just a great day.

Anyway, back to Tootie Pegs, because I'm still a little bit teething about you getting pissed, but anyway, that's a different thing. So, a lass that we know,

obviously seen Rafe, and she's like, eee, look, he's got his little Tootie Pegs coming in. I was like, I just love it when other people say random shit that way,

so he's got his teeth coming in. So he's teething like a mother ever. And I just think it's crazy that kids get teeth going through the gums and like, it must really hurt.

Well, their teeth are already there. Have you ever seen a Yes, I know. I've seen them when, yeah. But to come, PS through the skin. Yes.

No wonder they're kicking off constantly. I know. I know. So that's what's happening at the minute. Stuff like that baffles me. Pregnancy, childbirth, baffles us. It's still a part of us that thinks it's all a big hoax.

I think I've talked about this before. Do you know what I mean? I can absolutely assure you, it's not. It's not a hoax. You might be in on it. What, I'm in on the hoax? You might be in on it, yeah. Oh, right, okay.

You know, pillows up your top for nine months yeah whinging loads yeah then they make it in a lab echo in they give us some kind of gas oh Mr. Ames he's hiding here

like gas like scarecrow from Batman and I'm hallucinating and then the whole hallucination is you like and they go oh look

oh we've just pulled this from inside her bollocks you made that over there in the corner what's the two klem extra weight that I'm carrying then? Enjoying yourself, aren't you?

Just on your holders. You're allowed. The pee and fucking jack of potatoes to be in on the ruse. That teeth coming through freaks us out. Vinyl. Vinyl records. Don't understand it.

Don't understand that either. No, mate. How does that work like a groove and a pin in it what the hell's going on insane isn't it still

I actually think that is so before it's time because I still don't understand how they work but I understand digital

I understand CDs and mini discs and digital and mp3 and wav files I understand all of that more than I understand he has a big

plastic round thing with a groove you put the needle in the groove and the music will play. Fucking witch! Burn the witch! I'll tell you what can get in the bin. What?

QR codes. Oh, QR codes can fuck right off. Seriously? Yeah, yeah. Like, I didn't, do you know what it is? For a long time, I didn't know how they worked.

I thought I didn't have the right phone. I was like, these don't work on my phone. Rosie, we all believe you. You didn't know you could dictate text messages until last week. No, I haven't. Do you know what it is? Doesn't on my phone. Rosie, we all believe you. You didn't know you could dictate text messages until last week. No, I haven't.

Do you know what it is? It doesn't understand my accent. Pointless. Great. It's pointless. Well, that's because it hasn't learned your accent. So Siri knows mine. My phone knows my accent.

It comes out really like, it doesn't sound very nice. I like to add a lot of warmth to my text messages. That's why they take me so long. I know that you're struggling with it because I was driving the other day and I sat with you in the car. You were holding the phone in both hands. You weren't doing anything else but you were trying to dictate a text message.

It was horrible. It was hell on earth. It was one of the worst things. Listen, I've told you before and I'll tell you again. Leave us. You've never told me. Leave us.

That's the first time you've ever said that. I've told you before and I'll tell you again. Have I just said it in my mind? Right, okay, shit. Oh, great. I've just said it to myself. Just, no, leave. Yeah.

Just leave. Pack your bags. Canna. Pack your bags. Canna. Leave. Great. I'll get the house.

Whoa, whoa. You can still pay for it. Pump the brakes there, kid. You can get a little bachelor pad on the quayside. You would love that. Keep modding. You can get a smart claps, lights, claps andside. You would love that. Keep modding. You can get a smart...

Claps, lights, claps and all that. Yeah. Are you paying for this place? Well... No deal. No deal. No deal. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef. Beef. Beef. What's your beef? Right, my beef with you this week is your gym clothes fucking stink.

They do stink. They stink. They are disgusting. They smell like sick. They smell like sick. Even just as they come out of the washing machine, straight away stink. You're making the utility room smell awful.

And it should smell like lovely clean washing. It's disgusting. Right. Chuck them away. I'm trying, but my new ones aren't here yet. Oh, it's vile. Do you want to explain why because I stink

well no it's because you've been working out in like winter jogging pants yeah so I'm not used to gym and getting sweaty

and doing stuff I didn't really have real stuff I bought a handful of things when I did Strictly because they said you've got to buy stuff with no branding on

because if you can't be filmed doing Strictly even the training with a little brand on because if you can't be filmed doing strictly even the training with a little brand on because um bbc and i didn't buy the right stuff i just went to a place and bought it was like yeah it was like thick it was like um you know when you watch like rocky five and you see them training in like gray yeah sweatpants with like shorts on top of them yeah it was like that with a towel underneath your jumper so it looks like you've got some kind of fluffy cravat on yeah like like like ridiculous um you know and everyone else is in like special sport fucking you know like rad space age fabric was the reason why it's that

kind of fabric isn't it yeah so i basically have been wearing um essentially almost flannel material that soaks in the sweat and keeps it and lets it breathe. And they genuinely smell like vomit. And your boxer shorts too. Would you buy some new boxer shorts? You're disgusting. I've had some boxer shorts for easily, older than Robin.

Some of my, a lot, most of my boxer shorts are older than Robin. You're doing all right. Get some new boxer shorts. Listen, listen, listen. It's not that fucking simple, right? Men out there listening, it's not that simple. I'll tell you three things that are really fucking difficult for blokes to

buy right boxer shorts and underpants once you've found your comfort and your fit right i did it but no i get it i get it once you've got your comfort and your fit you need to stick with them yeah right same with bras they stopped making the david beckham h&m ones i nearly burnt the fucking place down right i've talked about it in my amazon special um caps very difficult to find a cap that fits nicely the way you like it yeah woolly hats yeah yeah no no i get fucking nightmare i get you but just start trying some beanies beanie woolly hats i'm not honestly i'm not in front of winter coming around because i've got to buy more hats they're either fucking tiny like i'm trying to put a condom on my head or like i'm putting a sleeping bag over my entire body there's no

middle ground. Yeah. You can't get a normal hat anymore. See, I never understand that. You know, with women who wear underwear that's just not comfortable. Yeah. Like, how do you get through the day? Sexily.

No. It's just, it's awful. Was it one of my mates recently had a thong on? She's like my age and that, and I was like, what are you doing? She was like, what do you mean? I was like, you've got a thong on? I thought thongs were and that, and I was like, what are you doing? She was like, what do you mean? I was like, you've got a thong on. I thought thongs were comfortable.

No. I thought they were supposed to be comfortable. A bit of material wedged up your backside. Yeah, I've never imagined. Absolutely not. Again, I've spoke about it in stand-up. They're grotesque. I don't think they should be allowed.

I can't imagine. They're horrible. I always think of that cheese, that wire that they cut cheese with. That's exactly what it's like. So anyway, I was like, why have you got a thong on? She was like, I wear them all the time. I was like, do you have no senseong on she was like I wear them all the time I was like do you have no sense

in your backside like are you numb from the waist down horrible my niggers are massive yeah

absolutely massive but I'm so comfortable so comfortable we are very aware that your niggers are massive they're just good like honestly we can see them

on this podcast they're that big that's how big they are they're huge bought them for my most recent ones are four sizes too big I bought them for

I bought them for when you're pregnant and I'm just still in them they honestly come up to the armpit of my boob armpits

they're in your armpits I love them love them you look like Dr. Robotnik from Sonic yes I know who that is

I do and I'm so happy is. I do. And I'm so happy in them. I didn't think I'd get away with that. Cool. I mean, he's a bit rotund. That's a bit offensive, but that's fine. It's not that you'd be offensive. Look at you using the word rotund.

I know, isn't that good? I'm sometimes quite clever. Oh, nice. Nice. What is your beef with me? First of all, I just want to say, I have bought some new special space age um uh gym gear um i bought special stuff like skin tight kind of lycra training stuff that's got

anti uh anti odor and anti bacterial properties so that's all gonna well that's good yeah i ordered it and because obviously i you know i've got the exercise bike and I go on my bike and stuff, but I'm not what you would call a gym goer or like a super fit kind of fitness freak kind of, you know, Instagram photos in front of the mirror on me top off and all that. I bought them, ordered them online from a big sort of place that sells this kind of stuff.

Bank phoned up, cancel my card. They were literally like, oh, there's been some strange activity on your card. I went, strange activity? They went they went yeah there's just been a website I bought loads I got like a couple hundred quids worth of a load of stuff yeah it's quite expensive yeah yeah no like yeah there's been some strange activity on a website can you confirm this

I went strange activity I went do you mean I've bought gym gear they're like is that what it is I was like you knew that's what it was you don't shop yeah what's this lazy prick doing he's obviously had his card stolen by someone

with more motivation I was fucking furious that's something I really struggled about at gym gear I don't know what I'm doing

I've done it I took the plunge and it still hasn't come yet I don't know where the fuck it's getting delivered from

cricky but yeah hopefully I'm going to stop stinking the whole house out and I am sorry and it does

smell like genuine vomit I'm really sorry it's vile it's horrible even to the point where my mum was like what is this what'm really sorry it's vile it's horrible even to the point where my mum was like

what is this what is this smell what is the washing machine I was like no it's just Chris's Chris's clothes okay I'm sorry so there we go

I had absolutely zero beef with you this week zero beef loving me life pleasure to live with absolutely great had zero beef

till half past seven this morning at half past seven this morning oh yeah oh yeah sit back here it comes little little orphan annie you're about you're about to beat the whirlwind bitch listen to this right right gentlemen ladies of the shag mountain universe can you please be a little bit more inclusive every one of the of the all people all all humans and maybe some pets listening of the shag my annoyed universe yeah listen up right now last night we looked in our diaries our collective diaries are very very busy at the minute i looked and i said rosie by the look of things by the look of things, by the look of things, a couple of things have moved here. Some stuff got cancelled yesterday. I said, we have got Friday free. I said, Rosie, we're working together a lot at the moment.

Do you want to have a lovely little day on Friday? Me, you and Rafe, we're all going to be at school. Me and Rafe, we'll go to a nice pub or something for lunch. I will go for a little walk with him in the pram. I even, you know, just go to the Metro Centre, go to Newcastle or just have a lovely little day. Right? Last night you went, that would be lovely, sweetheart. I said said thank you very much little kiss yes you did something along their lines i'm paraphrasing um i probably said king of my world all right all right you couldn't let's do it sorry yeah

probably wearing like a troop um so she said yes i went right great i went to sleep uh i did the night fees with rafe uh rosie kindly got up in the morning about 6 o'clock with Robin and Rafe went downstairs I woke up naturally about half 7 as my body clock lets us wake up now because that's just

what I do to take Robin to school I woke up Rosie walked into our bedroom and said and I quote Friday

right I'm going to go and see the girls now on Friday and I'm going gonna take rave with us because me and you are spending too much time together that's what you said yeah can we please just i don't want to make this agenda thing but men out there can you imagine if you said to your partner on a day that they had planned to spend with you, can you imagine if you turned around and said, I've decided, love, I'm going to see the lads that day

because me and you are spending too much time together. You'd be fucking divorced faster than you can say lads night out. No, I'm sorry. That just depends on the relationship because at the end of the day, I'm taking Rafe with us. You've got a day off. I've got nothing to do, man. If you said to me, Rosie, on Friday, I'm going out with the lads and I'm taking Rafe with us. You've got a day off. I've got nothing to do, man. If you said to me, Rosie, on Friday,

I'm going out with the lads and I'm taking Rafe, I'd probably cry with happiness. A day by myself? Are you actually kidding us? Chris, I'm sick of you. I am sick to death of spending every minute with you. Wow. Why do you want to spend any more time with us?

All we do every day, day in, day out, we see each other. Why are you so obsessed with us? Till death do us part. Yeah. Do you want to get to death? To haven't to hold. Because we're not going to get there. From this day forward.

God, you are such a loner. Honestly, you're just jealous. Because your first thing It's not because I wasn't spending the day with you Your first thing was Well I've got no one To spend the day with But at the end of the day

My two best friends Are on maternity leave At the minute And it'll not last long Selfish Yeah You said Go and see your mates

How can I go and see my mates Gigging Everyone's working Honestly Honestly Not my fault This was very last minute Because it was meant to be

Robin's spot today but it's been you know not happening brilliant cancelloed so I thought right I'm gonna

see the last you thought right I'm gonna I'm gonna shaft my husband completely and then go and see my mates and then tell him that I'm actually sick of him

and I'm gonna go and see my mates and you're on your own why do I care because I want to have a nice little day with you and it's been thrown in my face so there you go but thankfully Jordan at the rescue I'm going out with Jordan great have a nice little day with you and it's been thrown in my face so there you go but thankfully Jordan

at the rescue I'm going out with Jordan great have a lovely time do you want to take a break with you I'm going to no absolutely not me and Jordan I'm going to go out

I'm going to hit the town I'm going to post a photo on Instagram at about midday of me and him with cocktails you know the caption we don't need no bitches just the boys

right single men single men yeah it was just a bit harsh oh Chris get over it I've been woke up right single man single man yeah it was just a bit harsh oh Chris get over it I've been woke up

in some terrible ways in my life do you know what I mean I've been I've been in sleepovers when I was younger and people have thrown big handfuls of flour

in my face once I was in a tent and someone tied a rope round my sleeping bag and dragged us out of the tent and across the field on the back of a car none

as horrible as that wake up I got this morning. Morning. Friday's cancelled. I'm sick of you. Bye. Okay then. I don't know what to say because I didn't think you'd be that bothered. Sorry would be nice. Nah. Sorry would be nice. You'll not get a sorry from me. I didn't think I would. I'm a Virgo. We don't apologise. Not a thing. It is a thing. It is a thing.

It is a thing. Literally not a thing. So no, you're not getting one from me. You might as well have told us you're a floopy doopy dooper and the religion of floopy-doopy-doops. Don't apologise. If you believe in star signs, you're a fucking dick. This isn't you before me, actually. This has come from Norway.

What? What's star signs, don't you? Why don't you like star signs? There's absolutely no way in the world that... They're scientific. It's to do with space and that. It's to do with space and that it's to do with space and that it is

bollocks it is though you love science there is absolutely no fucking no organisation or anything out there it's chaos

right I'm sorry right okay it's chaos you're like poo pooing star signs right but then you told me the other day

when we're brushing my teeth that you were like do you know he brings this up all the time right it's infuriating do you know that in another universe in a parallel universe you'll be doing this right now but you'll

be french yeah yeah first of all i didn't first of all that is your favorite that came from something else you said about something else about that you were talking about something being haunted and i said a more in my head a more realistic realistic idea of the actual ghost is that two parallel universes accidentally touch and someone just pops through and you can see them for a second. But parallel universes is a scientific hypothesis. It's a scientific theory. It is actually a thing that could be real.

Oh, they're fucking shit. Oh, which one are you? Oh, are you the lion? Oh, that means you're kind. Shut up, man. What are you? Are you the fish? I am the fish when we were born in the

fish month oh hey hey every hey eight billion people on the planet you all fit into 12 categories that are fucking identical someone said to me i said i don't believe that i said it's a load of fucking bollocks and she went what are you what are you and i went to leo yeah yeah no yeah that's probably probably all i went sorry so in this made up bit of shit that you're talking about my my like my attributes within your made up bit of shit is that i think your bit of shit's made up like what the actual fuck that's crazy hang on right right okay leo oh god typical sun in leo traits include being confident comfortable being the center of attention here we go drama adoring no no stop stop stop i don't like drama yes i said at the beginning

we said right at the beginning of the podcast i don't like i don't like yes right you don't like arguing but you you are so dramatic no you want are you fucking kidding me right you're the most dramatic person I've ever met. Drama adorance. That means I love drama. I don't love drama. I hate drama.

You do love drama. Yeah, but you attract drama. You love a bit of drama. You love being dramatic. See the holes that I'm already No,

right. Next one. Ambitious. Absolutely. Right. Loyal. Too much. Leave us alone.

Right. No, because I'm beginning. Fiestly protective of their nearest and dearest. Yes, that's true. Generous. Right. Noiestly protective of their nearest and dearest. Yes, that's true. Generous. No, you are quite generous.

Luxury loving. Ha! Right. Yes. Sunny and big hearted. Great. Put Virgo in. Right, okay.

Here we go. Be exactly the fucking same, but worded slightly differently. Right, let's have a look. Virgo characteristics. This is me. Right, okay. Hard working. Exactly the same as ambitious. Next. working. Exactly the same as ambitious.

Next. Creative. Exactly the same as the last one. Reliable. Same as loyal. Patient. You're fucking joking, aren't you? I am patient.

Patient. What? We're not trying to set your toothbrush up and you give it away. Stop, stop. Rosie, it's not real. It's made up. There is absolutely no rhyme or reason

out there in the stars it's fucking carnage there was literally an explosion we are hurtling I like it I like it we are hurtling

hurtling through space we are corkscrewing through space with everything else that's flying out and soon it'll all stop no I don't like talking about this stuff

why do you ruin my day oh sorry oh because I'm a Leo and I did not say they're ruined days. Did I? What's the third one down? A Leo piss on bonfire?

Well, that was it. I pissed on your bonfire with me big lion dick. Cack. Oh, typical Leo. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi kesh her way the visionary behind the groundbreaking song exploder podcast and netflix series this unmissable evening features

her way and toronto symphony orchestra music director gustavo jimeno in conversation together they dissect the mesmerizing layers of stravinsky's the rite of spring followed by a complete soul stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all you know, don't you? The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone.

Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, it's shadmoudanoid at gmail.com. Send us your stories, send us everything.

We still absolutely love it. Can't believe you're still sending it. We can't thank you enough thank you thank you thank you very very very very dear Rosie and Chris at the time of writing this it is 2.34am

and I am trapped under my dearest darling kind of an arsehole two year old I like it when people tell her exactly what's going on when they're sending it

I like that painting a picture it's 2.34am so she can't move because there's a baby sleeping well yeah I'm having a bit of a dilemma

and I think only you can help. Okay. It's been two hours since my son woke up screaming from a nightmare and ended up in our bed. He stopped crying about an hour ago

but he hasn't even tried to sleep since. Right. I have just realised what the issue is. He sleeps with a dummy in each hand but due to the booting off

and the subsequent relocation, he has lost one. Right. Dummies, man. I love dummies. But Jesus, they're a nightmare. I've always got two spares. I don't know how babies seem to be.

Honestly, get babies to smuggle drugs through customs in a dummy. Because they somehow conceal that dummy on their person. And it's fucking impossible to find trying to find a dummy in the pitch black in the middle of the night is like but even that like it's just like you'll hear it hit the little cot you hear like a bump and you're all the dummies fell out and you do a thing where you scrape your hand like you're dusting it you're scraping your hand all over to try and find it you're like i don't know where it is and then you find it like in the baby's collar and honestly raves literally i put the dummy in and I hear crying and I go

where have you got it and he's like we're now playing find the dummy father honestly our mate one of my favourite stories still is

our mate's daughter said that because I remember seeing him I was like does your daughter not have a dummy anymore and he was like

one day she took it out of her mouth and launched it across the room and then never give her it again and that was that and it was like her moment of throwing it just launching it across the room really i was like girls man

girls don't fuck about and then she never had it again she never had it on me again just launched it absolutely amazing we had to put ours in the bloody tree and everything for the fairies come on robin last week get a bit ridiculous now son anyway I'm saying that it's totally my fault I make them have them I'm like you will have a dummy you will have a dummy

I don't understand how kids don't I just remember the kid I just remember when Robin was just crying absolutely non-stop and we're like shall we take the plunge shall we do a dummy

and put it in and he was silent all night and I was like oh my god how do people not do this I know goodness me people are

I don't know it's one of them I mean it's a total choice thing but a lot of people Oh my God, how do people not do this? I know. Goodness me. People are... I don't know. It's one of them. I mean, it's a total choice thing, but a lot of people are just totally against them and I'm just like, seriously. And I understand why. I understand why people are for them,

but I understand why people are against them. Well, I do and I don't, but at the same time, if you've got a headache, what do you do? Put a dummy in. No, you take some paracetamol. Like, it pacifies a baby. That's what they're there for.

Yeah. That it soothes them. Listen. All the stroke and the bopping and the bloody patting on the bum and all the world. It's not going to dain out. If you want to suck on a dummy, give them a dummy. Or put your tit in the mouth. Yeah, I'm not going to do that.

I'm going to keep giving them a dummy. Is that alright? Yeah, of course. Good. Right. Back to the Baba. Yeah. He won't sleep if he isn't holding something.

It tends to be something small and plastic like the dummy. But we have been known to get away with giving him an old school Nokia phone, a very small Tupperware box. What's that light over there? He's playing Snake. He's playing Snake. He's just got to be holding something.

A very small Tupperware box and even at one point an apple. Fantastic. My dilemma stems from the fact that I know 100% that if I move him off me and leave the room, even to get the holding dummy, he will boot off for another hour. Yeah, yeah. Being there.

You just take what you can get, don't you? Absolutely. I also know that within arm's reach of me, right this second, is a small bag with a little bullet vibrator inside that would meet all his holding criteria no no no small cold plastic perfect no no i'm not having this like i know it is clean as i clean it myself after every use but i also know it is morally rank it's morally reprehensible what if it's not as clean as I think?

What if he chews on it? What if it becomes his comfort item and I have to explain to nursery why my kid has a sex toy instead of a teddy bear? I didn't even think of that. She said here, what do I do? Right, I think, I mean, A, don't give your kid the vibrator.

Not cool. It ruins, it ruins, it'll ruin it for you. You're never the vibrator. Not cool. It ruins it for you. You're never going to enjoy that thing again. It'll sully it because, yes, it might be the cleanest thing ever, but you know where it's been. You know what you've used it for. Well, the baby's been there as well. Yeah, but yeah.

The baby came out of the place where it's used. In a very different mood. Come on. You know how a nightclub looks totally different during the day? Oh, yeah, it really does. a nightclub looks totally different during the day oh yeah it really does yeah right very different very different mood very different things going on in there i think absolutely do not give your kid it um ride it out um i know exactly what you mean when you're just trying to get as much sleep as you can or whatever you just can't maybe try and fall asleep with the kid on top of you um if you do have to give the child the vibrator

which i am fully against but if you end up doing it maybe when do have to give the child the vibrator, which I am fully against, but if you end up doing it, maybe when you have to take the nursery, maybe paint a face on it. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Oh, God. There's some absolutely rotten ones this week, but it just happened that when I was looking

for ones this week, they were just rotten. So, honestly, apologies in advance. All we've done is argue, and all you're going to listen to is absolute grotesque material so i'm sorry that's literally all they're here for right okay fair enough hi rosie and chris i have a very short but horrible story for you about one of my boyfriend's work colleagues who bear in mind is in his late 60s fantastic he came up to my boyfriend at work the other week and proudly pointed at the large gap between his two

front teeth and announced see this gap I once got someone's clit stuck in there. Oh. Oh. Oh. Horrible. Oh. Oh. It's so horrible.

That's made me so sad. Do you know what the worst bit of that is? What? As soon as you went to see this guy, I knew exactly what he was going to say. No, you guessed that. You would have said. I wish I'd shouted it out.

No way. I wish I'd shouted it out. Ew. Oh. People, gross. Don't you just assume that people, especially men, get less disgusted as they get older,

but they don't. They're just exactly the same and it's really sad. Oh, gosh. So, there you go. Good God. Say this gap. Someone's clit stuck in there once.

Did you see me get a fright there? What? You did such a good voice there. I thought you were playing audio of someone else. No way. That voice, I had no idea who that was. Did you not see his jump? No.

I got a shock. No. I looked away slightly and I heard the voice and I jumped. See this cop. It was really good. See this cop, sunshine. See you do. Someone's clit got stuck in my ear once.

That's horrible. I hate him. I hate him. What's his name? Gary. No, don. I hate him. What's his name? Gary. No, don't slag that. Poor Gary. I feel like Gary's

have had a rough ride the past few years. There's no Gary's left. No. It's a name that has literally died out. I reckon he's called Clive.

Clive? No, that's very middle class. Click Clive. No, you've got to be careful. Careful of him. Middle class, careful. Quite one's of the worst. No, he's vile. careful. Careful, then. Middle class, careful. Quite ones of the worst.

No, he's vile. He's not posh. A posh would have posh. Eh, eh, eh. See this gap, sunshine? Yeah, I almost got it. They'd have said clitoris, not clit. I don't think they'd have said it at all.

Well, I know. Well, maybe they would have. Yeah. I don't know. Who knows? Do posh people lick each other out? I reckon he's got an awful an awful nickname what i don't know like flange or something yeah i don't know i'm sure he's got a really horrible nickname

do you know i mean ew grotta grotta or groat groat dave the gooch oh you call dave i don't know i don't want to slag anyone's name off. Well, I know, but we have. Multiple names. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, long-time listener, first-time emailer. Nice. Please keep me anonymous. You'll say why.

Always. So, about me, not really a drinker, as I'm a wimp with hangovers. The prospect of parenting while hungover is awful, I'm sure you'll all agree. Oh, yes. With the whole lockdown COVID bollocks, I decided to dust off the old drinking boots

and have a few at my pal's barbecue. After all, the sun hasn't shone for a while in many ways. So true. Gosh, how deep. How deep and poignant. I know. I love it. It's very well wrote, this.

I have a sweet tooth, so I opt for those fruity bottles of cider. Fairly refreshing in the heat. I didn't have time to cool them so I had to use ice cubes. Remember this. Yes. Okay. I went to my mate's freezer and helped myself to ice. He had those

long thin ones to fit in the bottle which was very convenient. Yes. I drank my bottles, had a fab time, then went home all jolly and full of sausage and cider. Okay. Bar cider. Okay. Barbecue. Yeah, it was barbecue.

Not an orgy. No, no, no, no. Fast forward to later that night, back home and me spewing my ring. Great. I hate that scene. Yeah, I was going to say, this has all been really well written.

They even managed to dance around not naming the brand of cider, which was very clever, and then spewing my ring came from Norway. Come on. Still very well known. Very, very well known. My other half had a mint time cleaning it up.

Oh, the Jordies. Right. I know she loves that sort of stuff. Great. Okay. Heavy sarcasm. Yeah. The next morning, we had a bit of a debrief as I'd been with the lads most of the time

and her with the girls. Got you. Anyway, I found out my mate and his good lady were trying for a baby. Got you. Got you. Wow. If you know what I mean. Yes. To counter that, they came up with a novel idea. Keen not to delay anything, my mate has been coming in a cup and she used a syringe to shoot it up her when she got home. A method proving difficult.

Plan B, Christopher, was to freeze his ejaculated semen and her pop it in an ice cube. A long, thin ice cube. No way! Upon hearing this, I realised why I was so ill. Oh my God! I'd spent the night lapping up my mate's frozen cum and furthermore telling anyone who would listen how nice to say I was.

I was. Needless to say, I'm back on the wagon for both alcohol and cum, frozen or otherwise. That. That is straight out of American Pie. That is one of the most, oh my lord.

Imagine, imagine the next day after you've been be i couldn't be friends anymore with someone i couldn't be friends if i'd known i drank a load of their coming to barbecue i don't think he's tell them i don't think i honestly think that he will take that to his grave honestly because like he says he's been going around going, this is bloody lovely, this. Come on, try this. Oh, hey, this cider's lush. Nah. Nah. Nah. I cut a gnat. Hello, mate. Did you have a good time at the barbecue? Yeah, it was great.

Yeah, thanks for inviting me. Hey, by the way, I forgot to ask. Will you be me best man at me wedding? Well, I bollocks. Bye. Phone down. We're not friends anymore. Don't you spunk.

Can't look you in the eye. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Please keep me anonymous as some family members listen to the eye. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Please keep me anonymous as some family members listen to the podcast. This isn't the funniest story ever, but it makes me and my friends...

Thanks for emailing in. Cheers. Next one. Fucking. Well, I've picked it though. Come on. Makes me and my friends crease every time we talk about it,

so I thought I would share. Oh, sorry. So she's claiming this. He or she is claiming it isn't the funniest story ever like in the world yeah okay I'll agree with that

yeah I mean I haven't heard it yet it's one of those where what she doesn't realise is that she's put something on the end

another one of them yeah that's actually I need to know more about that than the actual story but I'll give you the story

it's a bit grunk but we are a bit runk so here you go. Aren't we all? For context, I had been with my ex-boyfriend for around three and a half years. We were very comfortable with each other.

However, I was so embarrassed when this happened. He was over at mine one night and we got a Chinese takeaway for tea. We sat down to eat it and thoroughly enjoyed it. Then things got a bit heated. Straight after food.

Ew. Yeah. Brank. No. Have a word. Again. I feel a bit ill thinking about it. I've told you before, haven't I?

I can't watch Gavin and Stacey, the scene where Ruth Jones and James Corden are eating KFC and necking on. Can't watch it. I have never watched that full scene. I have to fast forward it.

I go, this is going to be sick. Again, for context, we were in my bedroom, not at the dinner table or anything. To is what I'm going to be saying again for context we were in my bedroom not at the dinner table or anything to be blunt

just going to be blunt here started giving him a blowjob and he was getting well into it just had a fucking take

after your Chinese takeaway he was getting well into it but then suddenly I started to feel

something in my throat in brackets not his dick brilliant and all of a sudden before I could even think a whole chip

came flying up from my mouth and landed straight on his top we both just stared at it before i had to pick it up and put it in the bin. It is mortifying to think about and I've been terrified of blowjobs ever since. She's put in brackets here as well. Shows how greedy I am because it was whole. It was a whole untouched chip. That is apt.

Like a bird. Swallowed it like a bird. Yeah. That is so embarrassing. So disgusting. Oh, God. Imagine. Just like literally. Oh, God. Imagine, just...

Full chip. Just like, literally... Greedy cow. Oh, God. And this is the bit she's put on the end. Well, no, can I just say, first of all, what she should have done,

she should have told him, just freak him out, she should have told him that it came out the end of his dick. She should have been like, oh, my God, this just came out of your dick. Full chip just came out of your dick.

You're pissing chips. Go to the hospital. You're pissing chips. Go to the hospital. You're pissing chips. This is the bit. This is the bit that I was just like, who are these people? And are we strange for not doing these things? No, come on.

Also, to prove how comfortable with each other we really were, he once dipped a chocolate digestive in my vagina as a joke and ate it. I want to know why and I want to know how and I want to know what position she was in. How does that happen? I don't know. What's she doing? In what world is her vagina exposed and ready to dip something into

and you are in the same room eating a chocolate digestive? What scenario is this? What the hell is going on? What's wrong with everyone? Is she having a smear test and he's having a cuppa at the same time? Just standing there, just with a cuppa. I just, what are you doing there? Okay, all right.

I mean, what are you doing there? Okay, all right. Yeah. I mean, no. That's what, why, why is she legs a Kimbo while he's having a bicky? What's going on? In what world?

I don't know. I mean, they just sound like, they just sound like there's no, there's no sort of barrier. There's no there's no sort of barrier there's no differential

between food and sex for these people gross like pure pure the Grossmans gee whiz man

the Lloyd Grossmans the Grossmans that's what they are oh god did he die did he die did he die did he die

did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die

did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die

did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die

did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die

did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die

did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die did he die He's got a chocolate as well. But I think she's, the problem is she's wrote it wrong. She's wrote dipped, dipped in. Dipped in is from a height. He's gone underneath then. Yeah, so you're right, dipped is from the top coming down.

Yeah. That's why I have an image of her lying down with her legs open, whereas we, like dipped, you don't dip from underneath. Maybe the intersection was so long he started getting faint

and he had to quickly go and get a little snack from the corner of the room. Maybe. Maybe. Maybe. And it wasn't wet enough. Yeah. They are quite dry. Normally she coughs up snacks for him to have during,

but you know, she wasn't providing it did, so he had to go to the cupboard and get a fucking biscuit. Dirty, horrible pigs. Honestly, like fucking penguins. Dirty, horrible pigs. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi guys. Hi. Hi guys. Hi. honestly like fucking penguins dirty horrible pigs hi guys hi guys hi i'm just listening to episode 121 and the topic of mind sweeping has come up again it's reminded me of a story so many mind sweeping stories yeah like this is huge quick recap if you don't know what mind sweeping was uh basically having no money in a nightclub or a pub

going around uh back in the heyday and before covid and basically taking all of the dregs of everyone's drinks that you can find in the pub sometimes the connoisseur would pour it all into a pint glass and drink it in one go the quick mind sweeper would just do that do them as they went around a friend of mine once got glandular fever doing this and was literally bedridden for six months. So don't try that at the club, guys. Clubs are shut. Clubs are shut, don't worry. Unless, clubs are apparently opening full capacity.

Are they? Tomorrow, full capacity. Tomorrow? Yeah, as long as Matt Hancock can finger people in the club. Oh, of course, of course. He's going to be so busy. So busy.

So busy. Got to get a couple of ball and gloves. When my mum and dad were younger, they had zero money in brackets, like most young couples. Yeah. They had gone out for a drink and the couple at the table next to them... they had zero money in brackets like most young couples yeah they had gone out for a drink and the couple at the table next to them zero money then was it well they only had enough money for a little drink i just feel like i feel like sometimes your mates say they're skint when they don't want to do a thing with you oh yeah you've got

that friend who goes i'm skint i can't and you go okay then and then the next day they're doing something else and you go you weren't skint you didn't want to do the thing with me people have different levels of skin as well yeah i'm skint how much you got any savings account uh 14 grand how skin are you look i just don't want to go out with you yeah you just don't want to spend i don't want to go to the pub with you oh yeah yeah with me rosie i think we've we are basically got to the it here we just don't have very many friends right so they're going out for a drink the couple at the

table next to them had ordered big steak dinners oh god the couple had barely touched a chip when they started arguing

soon the woman stormed out of the pub and the man quickly followed my dad looked at my mum and then at the two untouched steak dinners

and they decided it would be such a shame to let them go to waste. Wow. So they switched tables and tucked in. Wow. Yeah. Wow. A few minutes later. Shut up.

The couple came back in. Shut up. I was going to say that. I was going to say imagine the couple. They had made up outside and were ready to carry on eating. they had made up outside and were ready to carry on eating my parents were sat there chowing down on the couple's dinner

with now almost empty plates oh my god I was going to say imagine they came back in that's beautiful I don't know what they said to excuse themselves I just know they left pretty sharpish

oh my god I love that so much imagine that's great that what would you say like what would you

right what would you say if you were the couple who came back in what are you me day for I honestly I don't know I would be like I'd probably apologise I wouldn't know I'd be like what were you in need of I honestly I don't know I would be like

I'd probably apologise I wouldn't know I'd be like what were you sitting here was it where were we

I would be so confused and then they could either like totally style out and be like oh no I thought you

were sitting over there so please don't bother us we're eating our dinner like what the hell's wrong with you

but I think that is fucking mad very awkward the balls to get up and go and steal someone's dinner

is it balls though because at the end of the day if they've left and they've left the dinner and it's and like when you're skint you know what I mean

steak dinner that's a lot of money you're talking 20 odd quid in some restaurants for a steak yeah yeah like and it's just going to waste part of me would be like,

you know. Pick it up and take it to your table. Yeah, that would make more sense. Pick it up and take it to your table and go, oh yeah, the waiter cleared it. Yeah. And then, yeah, you totally got away with it.

Don't sit in their table. Wearing their jacket. I'm you from the future it would be so it would be so awkward but then what's that word when like do you know

you know when someone moves and you steal their seat and you're like seat? Yeah. And you're like... Or like snooze you lose. Snooze you... Yeah, snooze you lose. I'm sorry, mate. Snooze you lose.

Here's one. Do you keep eating when they come back? So they come back and they're like, what you're doing is this hours. And you've got four chips left. Do you finish them four chips while you're trying to work it out? Or do you completely stop eating? I don't know.

Who pays the bill? I mean... So they've just dined and dashed. It doesn't make sense, this story. So it might have been... So it's probably a pay... You know when you go up and you order? You used to go up and you order

and they give you the wooden spoon or whatever and you go and take the bag and you bring it over. Okay, so they've paid, so it's paid for. Yeah, yeah. I can see where they're coming from. If they've left...

Wow. ...in an argument, just whatever. Wow. Wow. Class. Absolutely class. Hope it was nice. What if it wasn't the kind you like? This is...

So if I've done this very thing, that was dull. Excuse me, waiter. I asked for Ray. You didn't ask for anything. Well, I want Ray. Make this Ray. I've paid good money to be here said the guy who just left I changed my sauce while you were at it babadoo babadoo babadoo

as always thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged and Married and Annoyed which is now part of the Acast Creator Network yes guys thank you thank you thank you if you want to get in touch as always it's shaggedand Married Annoyed which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Yes guys, thank you, thank you, thank you. If you want to get in touch as always it's shaggedandmarriedannoyed

at gmail.com The wine glasses are back in stock on the website for the merch. Go for it. Had a little red with it the weekend myself.

You did, aye. You can quaff it right round, you know that. Put a little bit in and quaff it right round. You can have arguments with people,

you can pontificate, you can make a point without spilling a fucking drop it's a fantastic wine glass uh the tour's dates for december are on sale on the website for the arena tour we're very much looking forward to that and we'll be back in your ears next week big love bye Do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, do, Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete

soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre

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