Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 124. The Midwife Always Knocks Twice

Episode Date: July 9, 2021

On the podcast this week Chris & Rosie are getting in to Euro 2020 and Wimbledon – Chris knows the off side rule and attempts to explain the rules on Tennis. There is some minesweeping chat, a story from a midwife and an ethical dilemma. All of this plus some cracking beef, enjoy!   Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag, Mind and Oid with me, Rosie Ramsey,

and my co-host, Christopher Ramsey. Co-host. Do I like co-host better than an insult? I think I do. Yeah. Do I like it better than husband? Maybe. Sounds more professional. It does sound a lot more professional. And we're recording on a Sunday, and you're being more professional on a Sunday than you are on a weekday. That's crazy. I know. This should be our day off. Oh, we don't get days off. Ah, man, it's just all over the place. When it's not nine to five, it's just all over the place.

Yeah. It doesn't matter. Self-employed. Sounds good at the time. It's actually really shit. Be your own boss, by the way. Your boss is a cunt

and it's you. Be your own boss, but by the way, you can't ever be poorly because if you're ever poorly, you just don't get fucking paid. And your time management's rubbish because it's you.

You're the boss. You can't organise a piss-up in a brewery. You're fucking useless when shall we do the podcast Sunday because we've booked too much shit in

for the rest of the week anyway it's all good we're both happy we're in high spirits yeah it's all good it's happy days

we watched the football last night yes it was bloody great very exciting so as this goes out on Friday guys there will have been the semi-finals

will have happened since then you know remaining positive I'm hoping people are listening to this now thinking yeah looking forward to the final

on Sunday with England in it fingers crossed I'm hoping the one on Wednesday so it's either coming home or it came home early but I'm thinking I'm going to stick with coming home

they're a bloody good team well let's talk about it in the podcast I've got the faith this is the introduction this is the introduction and because it's introduction that means I've got to tell you

what episode it is and I'll tell you right now it's episode 1, 2, 4. Oh. Not the same now. Oh. Oh. Say that again? You're at 1, 2, 4. That's. You don't like it do you? That's wrong. You're not going to be excited about what episode it is again until number

2, 3, 4 are you? Oh right okay. Is that the next one? 2, 3, 4. That'd be nice. That's the next one that goes up. That'd be nice. Yeah. God are we still going to be doing it then oh fucking oh my howare man howare

of course we will hey as long as these guys keep listening I'll keep doing it I'm not bothered that's true well yeah it's only a couple

hours out of my day you know would you stop saying that because then people will think that they can well management will listen and they'll go he said it was just

a couple hours out of his day oh yeah I've talked and the rest of it's hey hey hey I've got liquid response that's coming out my arsehole here. Oh right, come on then. And without further ado.

Hang on, no listen, I've put ice in my water today, listen to this. Happy holidays. I don't know. No, it just makes me feel, oh well. It makes me really anxious because you are currently dropping condensation from the outside of your glass all over the table. It's like a fucking reservoir where you're sitting now. Yeah, that's the downside of ice, isn't it?

Put it on the floor. I'm not putting it on the floor. Yes, you are. Put it on the floor. This is my desk. Yes, and it's got my equipment on it. Oh, sorry. Is that...

Right, listen, I'm not fighting with you, you prick. Grab me on. Wow. What an incredible way to not fight. I'm not fighting with you, you prick. Just one last little dig before you shut the car door, wasn't it? Dun, poof, I'm gone. I've always got to win. Unbelievable.

How are you doing your sponsor? It is now time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Rosie, it's one you're going to get on board with here. This week's sponsor is... How far you now have to scroll down to find the year you were born in online forms. Oh!

Remember when the internet was first out? When was I born? That one right there, mate. When are you born now? On the long journey down the page to find the year of my birth. It's the 1980s. Finger cramp. Finger cramp. Where is the year I was born? Where do you get this shit from?

I was filling something in the other day. It's fucking crazy, isn't it? It's so true. Crazy. Imagine me poor ma, 58. Oh, I tell you what. Oh, Jesus. When your mum is filling an online form,

I believe a scroll drops out the bottom of the monitor and she has to just get a quill and just write her age on it and then it zips back up on the monitor. Oh, I mean, she's not... She was the bloody 30s goodness gracious christ you know what is depressing what and as i say i never really normally whinge about age but it is nice to sort of think about it now and then um now it is a it's

even in america it's incredibly easy you can be a doorman or a bar staff in america with absolutely no mathematical knowledge whatsoever because you go ID please and they hand you their driving licence and as long as the birth year is 2000 or lower, they're 21. Fuck. You don't have to do any maths. Does that say 2000?

If it's the 90s or it's the year 2000 they're 21. I never thought about that. Remember the millennium? Remember the millennium bug? Flying cars? Lightsabers all that mint stuff that was gonna happen people born then they're 21 wow well unless they're born in december but you know this year they'll turn 21 we had a party for the millennium house party it was class i went to a house party for the first time i drank alcohol i was 13 years old wow that terrible I mean why I had an iron brew wicked eee

whose house party did you go to mum and dad's friends oh that was the first one they had and then they kept them up ever since

oh that column was out yeah yeah every single year did that start on the millennium it started on the millennium and it never stopped yeah we didn't apart from last year

we didn't carry ours on because the millennium party was when me nana went down the stairs on a bean bag. Oh, well, there we go. And ripped it open. Well, there we go.

And I think everyone got a bit out of hand. And I think me mum and dad thought, I'm not from penis every year. So they stopped. There was them little, you know, the little polystyrene beads. Yeah, but. Yeah, but that's, that's, that was the straw that brought the camels back. Your mum was house proud, wasn't she? Right?

That's it. The hoover's full of polystyrene. Derek! They're static. They're sticking to stuff. I can't hoover them up. Right. Never a party in this house again.

And Nana, you owe us a beanbag. A fucking beanbag. Rosie, man, people... You know, you see it on the internet when people have parties, man. Their fucking houses fall down. I know. You've ripped a beanbag

and there was never a party in your house again. Jesus. No, that wasn't the reason. We've had plenty of parties, but I just think it didn't turn into a New Year yearly thing. See, right, okay. Hey, remember beanbags? I know, where have they gone?

Yeah. Bad for the environment. My problem with the Millennium, like with New Year's Eve party, sorry, is I'm all right with something where the occasion starts at midnight. Yeah. Like, no, you're going home then.

You're going home then. I know exactly what you mean. We're coming at eight o'clock. Right? We had a party. In your state of four in the morning, no thanks. We had a party a few years ago and our friends were coming

and they were like, we booked a taxi for five in the morning and we were like I was nearly fucking sick I mean I actually did turn that around because I couldn't

believe that I was still drinking at four and loving me life and I actually said Alex who came in and said she booked a taxi at five I was like

when you said that I thought no fucking chance but here I am here I am I don't want you to leave. Creeps up on you. Creeps up on you. Hey, gosh. Good times. Get the fucking jingle going.

Let's get this party started. Here's the jingle. Happy New Year, everyone. Happy New Year. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. Jingle.

So this is the jingle. Jingle. Jingle, we couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle, so this is the jingle, jingle, we hope you like the jingle, jingle, babadoo babadoo babadoo bah, jingle! Hello, welcome back to this week's episode of Shag, Married and Annoyed. Missed you for them 14 seconds. Is that how long the jingle is? Dunno. Possibly. Not a clue. Not a clue. We should probably tell people why we've got such a busy week. Oh, right.

Because it sort of got announced, half announced last week and we didn't even announce it on the podcast, did we? No. So we are doing a TV show. A bloody TV programme. A bloody television show. Taking these little faces on the big screen.

They've heard the audio. Listen, guys, the big wigs, they've heard the audio. Listen, guys, the bigwigs, they've heard the audio, they've heard it's popular, they've looked at the faces, they've thought not ideal, but we could make it work. We'll give it a go. And listen, we're giving it a go. And if it's shite, it's shite, and we'll never do it again.

But if it's good, we might do it again. That's the spirit. Now... No, that's... No, I'm sorry. Fucking hell. What? When Graham Norton first did his chat show, do you think he went, well, if it's shite, it's shite.

But if it's not, I'll do it. I mean, that's a terrible Graham Norton impression, but it's just standard Irish. But listen. I know, but I'm sorry. You know, I live in the real world.

It could be utter shite. Right, okay. And we could just stick to what we know, hence the podcast. There we go. But, you know, it might be the best thing,

I mean, we'll say, but it might be the best thing. I mean, we'll say you've written it. It might be the best thing on the planet, which I hope it is. So Rosie's confidence high. Basically. I'm starting to keep it real. So this week, as it's Friday, as this has come out, this week we will have done the dry run for the podcast, the TV show, working title, The Chris and Rosie Ramsey Show,

in which we'll be interviewing celebrity couples. Yes. And yeah, it's very exciting. So massive thanks to all of you out there who crashed the fucking website. Oh shit, aye. For audience tickets. Incredible. Hey, Rosie,

they really do put the work in when the tickets are free, don't they, these lads? I know. When it's free! I'm look i'm totally joking thank you for the support and uh yeah you sent some amazing beefs in and we hope that we've seen you there then we've got the pilot the following week it's exciting times it is i'm really looking forward to it i just hope it's not shit massively well yeah yeah you made that you made that evidently clear but there's no i mean come on i've watched some tv shows and i go, why did you bother? Listen, let's not talk about the Chris Ramsey show

like that. Now. Come on. Now listen, hey, no one was saying that. It was, do you know what it is? It was 50% there

and then maybe just with me, the other 50%. Oh, so you've gone from absolutely no confidence to being an arrogant little twat. No, 50% confidence. I think together... 100% confidence in yourself, though.

That's what that is. 50% and 50% will make 100%. Listen, all right. I mean, I think the people who are making this TV show, a lot of trust going on. A lot of trust. I've never been on a TV show. I've never had my own TV show.

No? I could fucking not say anything. That's why they're giving you a pilot. Anything I anything. That's why they're giving you a pilot. Anything I like. That's why they're giving you a pilot and that's why it's not live. Oh, I wish it was live. That's why you're doing a dry run first,

then a pilot, before they'll even put you in front. Rosie, there'll be fake cameras. Do you think? There'll be fake, it'll be a shoe box with a toilet roll holder out the front.

It'll be all painted black and there'll be a little bottom of a jam jar on and they'll go, go on Rosie. And you'll be going, I'm on telly. And you'll be going,

fucking idiot, she's not on telly. I'll cancel myself within the first 10 seconds. go, go on, Rosie. And you'll be going, I'm on telly. And you'll be going, fucking idiot, she's not on telly. I'll cancel myself within the first 10 seconds. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You'll be telling your nan how to watch it, and it's not even on.

Yeah, she's fucked it. No, genuinely. It's going to be ace. Very exciting times. Watch this space, guys, for more announcements about it. And yeah, if the series does go ahead,

you'll all be able to come and watch it live, hopefully. So that's exciting. That was a yay. So there we go. Watch this space. Babadoo, able to come and watch it live, hopefully. So that's exciting. That was a yay! So there we go. Watch this space. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Now, on the subject

of football coming home. Right, yeah. Yeah. We can't talk too much because we're recording this on Sunday. Like you said, on a Sunday. We watched the match last night,

4-0, England were absolutely amazing. Everyone's spirits are high, but we don't know what's going to happen on Wednesday. And this goes out on Friday. I think they've won i'm gonna put my reputation on the line here oh you're massive football reputation hey hey i'll have you know i know the offside rule inside out i've never told you that you know well actually no because you said it was offside about four times last night it wasn't well you know i feel like you're throwing off

shit some sticks i feel like if you just keep shouting offside any time anything happens, the time that it is offside, you win. Everyone goes, he's good. No, I was in the pub once with my mates and obviously I'm not the most avidly loud football fan ever. You know, I do enjoy it, but I'll not, you know,

I'll not scream in a child's face about it. Yeah. Which I think... I mean, some would. Fuck you! Basically, we're in the pub once and I said, it's still me crowning achievement i said offside and then the referee said offside and then the rest of the room shouted offside

and my mate next was turned and said i thought he didn't like football and i said no i like it i understand i understand it's not it's not it's not brain surgery i get it but there we go and he met you know what i went out of the pub yesterday he mentioned it yesterday he said are you watching offsides i said that's me i'm that guy that's all I'm that guy. That's all I've got, Rosie. It's all I've got. That and the fact that I had Newcastle wallpaper when I was 11, even though I didn't really like it. Newcastle wallpaper, bedspread, curtains,

had a little Newcastle stool. Hey, I am absolutely cock-a-hoop that two of the lads on the England team are from Sunderland. Big up. Big up the North. Hey, listen. We'll fucking get everywhere.

It's in the North East. We're like gravy. We're like dog shit. That's not as good. We'll go back to gravy. We're like gravy. We're like gravy. We'll get everywhere.

Yes. Aye, buzzing. Absolutely buzzing. Pickfed, Jordan Pickfed, went to my nephew's schools. Both of them. Fantastic. Both of the schools.

That's lovely. Buzzing. Jordan Henderson. Yeah. Sunderland lad. Somewhere around the North East as well. Just think it's mint. You don't notice though

we do really hold on. When someone's from the North East we really do hold on. I know it's the same in different regions around the country. Regions is a big thing.

But we're the North East. As long as you're born above Scotch Corner we're like he's fucking from the North East. Come on. He's one of us.

He's a Geordie. He lives in North Yorkshire. No he's a fucking Geordie man. He's one from the North East. Come on, he's one of us. He's a Geordie. Honestly. He lives in North Yorkshire. No, he's a fucking Geordie, man. He's one of us. But don't you think as well, there could be absolute dickheads, but I'm like, oh, top lad.

Top lad. Great bloke. What, that murderer from round here? Lovely bloke. Northern lad. Northern lad. I mean, I know this is weird, but just being like a Northern thing.

Right. So obviously we've got Durham Prison up here, which is, you know, massive. uh rose west there right so we've got a big like quite big you're excited that we've got a famous murderer in the local prison not excited no because it's awful but at the same time psychopath what's wrong with you well my old hairdresser her mate was there right well when she told me she was there i was like she's in durham breathing the same air as me we have got i've just ticked her head between the fucking bars like that breathing the same you want your head looking at we've got so many famous people from the northeast and you're fucking clumping in right here you're a lunatic i'm not you want you want locked up with her

babadooba we're having a word after this in this babadooba we're having a word because you want your head looking up alright man babadooba

babadooba on the topic of sports that are currently on at the minute we've done enough no no let's just have a minute tennis love it

long as fuck what I'm sorry I'm sorry it's always just been on the background in my life. Right. And I think it's a great sport. Right. Long. Holy, holy shit. Yeah. We watched

it for about two hours. Yeah. I put Robin to bed. Yeah. Had a bath. Came down, it was still on. Yeah, yeah. Oh my word. That's my problem. My problem for some reason is my favourite sport are long as fuck. That's what I was gonna say. some reason is my favourite sports are long as fuck. That's what I was going to say. Yeah.

Tennis, you love it. So long. Makes no sense. The scoring system is berserk. I tried to explain the scoring system. I'm all right. I don't care. Rosie, I'm not talking about explaining it to you.

I tried to explain it to Robin. It was one of the worst decisions. As I started speaking, I was like, this is the stupidest thing i've ever said in my life horrible football the score in that end or the score in that end brilliant one two three four whatever tennis is absolutely mad get out my face i don't care i'm all right forever i will go watch it one day right just for the experience none of them had the strawberries in the cream probably Covid anyway but I want to go and drink

Pimms and get pissed they're not very leery though so I'd have to rein it in so if you're watching Wimbledon final and we somehow get invited this year Rosie will be the one with a fucking tupperware of her own strawberries and cream on her knee I'd be like yeah showing what up

I would go to watch it but at the same time I would have no idea what's going on it's pretty posh Rosie it's perfectly simple right it's perfectly simple so whoever takes service

right is supposed to basically essentially win that no please don't explain it nobody gives a shit to win you've got to essentially break the other person's service

it's very simple right when you score a point when you score against the other person you get 15 right and then the second point obviously you've scored again so you get 30.

So that doubles it. The third one's 40 for no reason whatsoever. And if they both go to 40, you call that juice, right? And then they get an advantage, right? And if they get an advantage, then they win again,

then they win. But then they get another point, then they go back to juice and then that goes on. And then she took her headphones off and she's left. And then, listen, right? And then,

six games make a set, right? I think it's six. And then I can't remember how many sets. It might be three sets. She's left. She's gone out of the room. Babadoo, babadoo, bah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

So we are recording this on a Sunday. The children are at your mum and dad's. Yes. And how nice is it just having a little breath? Being able to breathe. The parental guilt that I feel. Yeah, it's horrible. For being buzzing when they're not here.

I know. So it's like layers of guilt. Like the guilt isn't, they're not here. I feel bad. The guilt is, I feel so good being able to wake up and get on with me we had a conversation in bed this morning

I know we woke up laying next to each other we said morning we had a little cuddle and we had a little chat for the first time in months

since we lived here yeah for the first time since we moved in this house it was fucking fantastic I know and then I walked around I put the coffee machine on

I just wandered around the house this morning got a few little jobs done had some breakfast like oh god it's nice isn't it but I feel really bad I just wandered around the house this morning, got a few little jobs done, had some breakfast. Like, oh God. It's nice, isn't it? But I feel really bad for how much I've buzzed off that.

Yes, but at the same time, I miss them so much. So you can't fully enjoy it. Does that make sense? See, there's moments where I can really enjoy it. Well, it was you who had to tell me last night because I was like, I wish you'd brought the Benz home. I wish they were here.

And you were like no stop it because we've got work tomorrow and we need to you know we need some sleep for one I mean

Rave's currently on a five o'clock four o'clock wiggle four o'clock wiggle that kid love him absolutely love him but fuck me

he will but do you know what's really irritating I've put on Instagram about his sleeping because he's waking up early and people are like get in touch with this sleep coach

and I'm like no he's a baby he wakes up early right but the reason he wakes up so early is because I put him to bed about half five because I just want him to fuck off a fucking six month old baby I just want him to fuck off that's a quote the people who are doing the t-shirts and stuff I just want him to fuck off no and I don't the thing is

that's a quote the people who are doing the t-shirts and stuff I put my baby to bed at half five because I just want him to fuck off no because he's tired right

he's absolutely shattered but I know he could probably have a little nap right and I could wake him up and then he could probably go to bed at like

eight o'clock but then I'm like that's eating into my time my time so I'm sacrificing and I'm getting up earlier but i'm having a bit of an evening well our kids our kids are currently no it's not at all our kids are currently on a relay system where rave wakes up at four o'clock yeah stays awake for a couple of hours kicking and screaming yeah at the end of he's kicking and screaming just as he nods off he wakes robin up then robin comes and then it kicks off for a bit

then wakes him up and then they're both there for the full day it's like some kind of fucked up tag team they've got going on Rosie when we went to our friend's

child's first birthday party the other day another friend of ours who's got a four year old said that she had to she literally was like I had to drag him

out of his bed she went I had to drag him out of his pit this morning at half nine. I nearly fucking slapped her. I was so, I've never been so jealous. Vicky, that's you if you're listening. Vicky, that's you.

Honestly, I mean, he threw me a fucking drink in your face. I've never been. I was like, oh, I'm not going to be in options five. She was like, we were nearly late. I had to drag him out of his pit. I was like, fucking read the room, love. Look at the bags under my eyes, man. Read the room.

And then he threw me a drink in my face I was fucking raging but you know what though my Kate they stayed over last night my Kate and my mum which was lovely

she said it all comes back yeah so and it does because we were starting to get it with Robin because Robin was fine just before we had Rafe

Robin was on an 8 o'clock lie and it was amazing so it'll all come back and they'll slot into a lovely little pattern it's just this time at the minute when they're just little and it was amazing so it'll all come back and they'll slot into a lovely little pattern it's just this time at the minute when they're just little

and it's just getting their sleep up you do get it back anyway and they're bloody and I can't wait to see them because when they come back today

as much as the hard work and kids are just but aren't they the best things in the world I'll tell you man they've got you man they've got you by the knackers haven't they

they've got you they're a fucking nightmare what you can't do without them they've got you by the knackers I know I know I know oh I just love them so much alright man alright

pack it in no one wants to hear it babadoo babadoo babadoo bah it's time for what's your beef what's your beef beef

ladies first or gentlemen first you go first well I don't see a gentleman in here so I'll go first you're not wrong my beef with you

specifically this week specifically this week coming look at me diary look at the weekend see what's going on on the weekend you know you have a hair appointment

booked in for Saturday your hair takes too long that's my beef it's like you're going on a little holiday right sick of it so you're annoyed that my little holiday right sick of it so

you're annoyed that my hair appointments i'm getting anxiety i'm getting anxiety looking at the fact that saturday uh my day will be me holding the fort down on my own because you're off sitting in the hairdresser for 75 hours or however right well actually i'll let you know that saturday is a half ahead if not i think it's just me parting because we're filming the TV show. Half a head? So you get a full head of highlights, a half a head of highlights

and I think I'm just getting me parting done. Did I say partening? Because I used to say that. That's a totally wrong word. Partening? No, you said partening. Oh, partening.

I say icing. It's icing. I say christening. That's right. No, I don't. I say christening. You say christening like a moron. I want to say You say Like a

Moron I used to say Did you say No I used to say Because I never knew How to spell it So it's Oh god

This got deep Spaghetti Oh this got deep Really quick So how long Can I expect to be On my own with our Children on Saturday

Like an hour Hour and a half. What? Yeah. Well, why don't you just do that every time? It normally takes like four or five hours. Why do I not do it every time? Because half of me, like,

bloody most of me hair will be black and me partner will be blonde. You daft bugger. I don't understand how it works. Yeah, exactly. Get a skinhead, man. It's just getting... I'm there for like less than an hour,

including travel time. Honestly, if I was prettier, I would get a skinhead Rosie I would oh you are pretty you're beautiful no like if I was proper if I was proper beautiful

I've seen some women with skinheads and I'm like that looks mint but you've got to be rake thin you've got to be like lush skin like lovely skin colour and just beautiful to carry off a skinhead.

I'm not there. I don't even know. I'm not a baby. I wouldn't even comment on that because I think you're beautiful to me and you're the best in the whole world. However, I will say that with a skinhead, your head would look microscopic.

Microscopic. It would look like a little tiny, It's already tiny. tiny little ball of blue tack on top of your shoulders. It would look like, you know when you see on the ad ball of blue tack on top of your shoulders it would look like you know you know when you see

on the adverts only put a pea of toothpaste only a pea size it would look like a little pea little toothpaste would I look like

Beetlejuice yeah no the people with the little heads yeah you'd look you'd look yeah yeah

thanks well there we go so there we go I'll not be getting a skinhead anytime soon hopefully fingers crossed happy days

because if you do me beef that week will be you've got a skinhead you look ridiculous. I've thought about it. Don't. I've had a lot

of Britney moments. Right. Don't. Honestly I have. Don't. So. Hashtag free Britney.

Oh hashtag free Britney. Yeah. What the hell? What's going on? We didn't want Bill Cosby. I know.

We wanted fucking Britney. Keep him. That's mental as well. It's too deep to get into. It's too deep

to get into. It's too deep to get into. What's your beef? Oh my beef with you is, it's a bit of a beef for both of us, right? And you might blame me as well.

Friendly fire. No, but this is 50-50, very much, right? But I don't know if it's a good thing. Sorry, I'm not next to me, Mike. I don't know if it's a... I tried the signal. I tried the signal. I'm going, come here, come here.

And you're like, I'm not next to me mike you know if i wanted it to be on the fucking podcast that i went close at you mike love goodness gracious oh you imagine that can it wait look at the camera rosie i am that's a that's a camera on the shelf that's a setting that's that's that's a kodak that's on a shelf in the background just to make the room look busy that's not the camera look at the actual fucking camera with the outlook you wanted. You moron. Can't wait.

So this is a 50-50 beef and I think it might actually be a good thing and I think it's a good way of our relationship but I worry that it's really toxic. Are you aware of what the beef section is? Because this doesn't sound like it belongs in the beef section. What do you mean?

What are you talking about? We just keep having fights all the time right but then about half an hour later it's like they've never happened it's only way to live it's only way to move on I'm hoping it's healthy

but we argue yeah oh right ah no eat argue half an hour later what do you want for dinner

what's like they've never happened do you know why because both of us are going no mate i'm going nowhere do you know what i realized as well i was randomly thinking about i can't remember what i was watching um but we if you went on a date if we broke up and you want to go on a date with someone or if i had to go on date with someone what the actual fuck would you tell them about yourself? Because most people out there know every fucking detail about our lives. And if you were, happened to be, me or you,

on a first date with someone, and you told them something that they didn't already know, that would be getting far too deep on a first date. You'd be essentially having a fucking breakdown with them. What do you mean? No, people don't know everything about us. They know a lot. What do you do?

I know I've heard it. Like, do you know what I mean? All right, okay. Who's your do? I know I've heard it. Like, do you know what I mean? All right, okay. Who's your family? I know I've heard it. Got any kids? Yeah, I know I'm aware of them. Well, let's now, okay, just in case, put it out in the ether.

Right. Let's just, if somebody's listening now who's totally our type, stop listening. Stop listening. That's the greatest thing in the world. Stop listening now, okay? Brad, brad take it you have fun brad pay hold him brad's pain i can just die wow yeah yeah no you're totally right so okay then give us your hands I don't Right Let's just keep fighting And then forgetting about it

Half an hour later Okay Love you Fighting and forgetting about it I feel a sponsor coming on Tune in next week Babadoo babadoo babadoo Bah

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Q's from the P's and the Q's from the P's. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, it's shagmoudanoid at gmail.com. Please continue to send us your lovely, lovely things. Okay, something here, which I saw uh just this morning actually before we started this okay hi rosie and chris please can you settle a debate

about the most recent cbb's advert my husband is adamant that rosie is doing the voiceover but i'm sure it isn't and in fact it is jill halfpenny i can't get a fucking break i can't get a break it. I can't get a break. It's me. I did it. Yeah, it's Rosie. And nobody's actually, messages are nothing.

My best friend sent us a message because she heard it. Nobody else has because they all think it's bloody Jill Halfpenny. And they're all like, oh, that's not Rosie. No, no, God, she wouldn't do anything else

other than this. Yeah. It's me. I don't know. Personally, firstly, how dare you do other work when there's this going on? How fucking dare you? Yeah, true, true. We're so busy.

But, no, yeah, it is you, and it's lovely. You've got a lovely voice. I've always said you've got a lovely voice. Thank you. I think the problem is, as a parent myself, CBeebies, we don't listen to the adverts. You sort of have to tune in now, don't you? You're zoned out.

You're completely zoned out. The amalgamate, all the programmes just mash into one and you go, what? So yeah, but it is me. Quite chuffed I sound like Jill Halfpenny though because she has toned down her accent a bit. Okay. And obviously she's absolutely lovely, we know her.

And I'm quite chuffed. There you go. You poshed it up, did you? Now I speak like a posh Geordie. Oh my God. That's what I've always wanted, Chris. It's happened. absolutely lovely we know her and I'm quite chuffed for that so now I talk now I speak like a posh Geordie oh my god it's what I've always wanted Chris

it's happened it's happened made it I've made it Ant and Dec Robson Green Jill Halfpenny we're on your

fucking tails right we've just got to drop the swearing as well but it's not happening anytime soon never never

never never never never never never never never

never never never never never never never never

never never never never never never never never

never never never never never never never never

never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never back at Grove

I think we're the only Jordies who haven't been about a Grove yeah possibly have you not have you not been about a Grove

don't you dare tell me that you've been about a Grove no I haven't been about a Grove have you not no no I did audition for it

a few times did you yeah why I a few times yeah a few times not a few times I'm saying audition

I sent off for audition I never heard back oh okay so I didn't I didn't actually even get the audition process. Wow, okay. Which is a bit sad.

Got you. My friend Hazel was in it. Yes. Okay. She died? No, she didn't die. Did she die? We're talking about her character,

by the way. Rosie hasn't forgotten whether one of her friends is alive or not. Hazel is very much alive and well. Imagine that! I just... Did she die?

I texted her. No, she hasn't texted. Did she die? I don't know if she did die. I can't remember. I'm so busy, there was a scene. Did she die? I texted her and she hasn't texted. Did she die? I don't know if she did die. I can't remember. I'm so busy. There was a scene where she was on the ground.

I think she just hurt herself. I can't remember anyway. She might have died, isn't it? Who knows? Got to teach them, teach the kids about death. Well,

you know, we learned a lot about, you know, paintball and stuff, didn't we? So, there we go. Blindness.

Yeah, yeah. That was harrowing, by the way. Fucking harrow heroin as a kid watching that Ant and Dec PJ and Duncan

heroin honestly I didn't go paintball until I was an adult I didn't go paintball I was fucking terrified heroin lads it's got us for life babadoo babadoo babadoo

bah hi Chris and Rosie a question for bike guy that's me that is me oh just really quickly I was at the pub yesterday and there was a bloke um with all his bike mates and he went hiya rosie and i just went hiya no idea who he was so i was like i'm guessing you're listening to the podcast i really wanted to call

them all bike wankers right excuse me like bike guy bike wanker type thing but i didn't because i thought what if he actually knows us from something else right okay and if I just went alright bike wankers he'd be like she's a dick

got ya I was at a pub yesterday and someone asked me if they and this is the most ridiculous one I've ever had actually

he said I recognise your face where do I know you're from and I normally just go I don't know because I don't start rattling off my CV it's really and he he came to the conclusion that he

knew me from the newcastle hip-hop scene in the 90s oh so that's amazing thankfully i agreed then he left because if i'd agreed and then he went into any kind of detail about said scene i would have been proved to have been a liar and had to go actually mate no I'm a comedian that's where he knows from yeah he's like yeah you used to like

spit bars and that were there in the 90s I went yeah and he went yeah and he just walked off and I went oh fantastic most people think

they know me from like NCT classes NCT? it's like a baby group of mams yeah yeah yeah I've had that loads got you

yeah I recognise you. I'm like, oh, right. I don't know. I don't think we've met before. And they're like, did you go to my NCT class? And I'm like, no, I didn't go to any NCT class.

You did. You went to all of them, you liar. On a side note, next time a group of guys are out on bikes and they say hello to you, get the deals, man.

I need some bike friends. Absolutely not. Hey, come on, man. Just say, look, my husband likes bikes and that. Hiya. Nice to meet you all. My husband loves bikes. to you get the deals man i need some bike friends absolutely not hey come on man just say look my husband likes bikes and that hi yeah nice to meet you all um my husband loves bikes can my husband come out and play with you what's so weird about that just say it rank no anyway this so this is for you right but i also think this is for me as well doesn't say it or does it no i know but let's just let let's just name it a bike guy you can decide whether you should do it later

Rob in Wolverhampton who sent this in I've got eyes just like you guys just don't ride a bike but I've still got eyes I can still answer your eyes are from

a different perspective isn't it if you're not coming from the perspective of a bike guy no you're gonna listen and you're gonna understand that I can answer this as well

so anyway do you ever see people riding bikes whilst wearing jeans and if you do does it annoy you as much as it does me massively absolutely massively although

i think i have spoken on the podcast about the guy who slagged me off for wearing long trousers on a bike which had a goat as for having i had like i had like lycra long sort of legging things on and he was having a right go when i was like well you can wind your fucking neck and your your knees are cold mine aren't right um but yeah jeans is crazy i used to have them we used when i was like sort of 16 15 16 left school uh and me me mates went like jogging and stuff and decided to go jogging down shields beach one of them came in jeans every time jeans like vans vans skateboarding shoes and fucking jeans and a shirt jogging well i think whenever you see somebody on a bike with jeans on they're not doing it for the exercise it's that's their that's their transport yeah

so that's the point i suppose yes they're not they're not doing it for the exercise it's for my transport that's their transport yeah so that's the point I suppose they're not out wasting time like me and him they're not trying to lose weight or get fit

they're trying to get home they're just trying to yeah yeah oh well fair enough yeah well that's not all part of them then I didn't even think of that yeah you're right

that's what I think with jeans got you like we've said before all of the Chavas or Chavs where we live they're all fit as fuck

fucking ripped because they're just they're on bikes all the time. Slightest bit of sun, top off, ripped, bike. Oh, ripped to shreds. Cap at a ridiculous angle, never blows off when they go fast. No idea how they do it.

And they're always really good at not holding on to the handlebars. Texting, smoking, both. Oh, me, the lot. Well impressive. That's actually, that's a skill. It is a skill, I'm sorry. It really is.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo it really is i'd like you to settle a debate my husband and i have been having for the last 13 years fuck uh-huh yeah no pressure then i know the conversation pops up once or twice a year with neither of us changing our views bloody hell i have asked a few friends and most agreed with me so here it is oh i don't like that. She's waited that. What do you mean? She's waited that towards her there, hasn't she? Right, okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. If Rosie or Chris were hanging over the edge of a cliff and you had a hold

of them to try and stop them, but you felt yourself starting to go over too, would you A. Keep holding on even though you know you will end up going over to, or B, let them go, you don't both need to die? What in the world? Twice a year they talk about this.

It's just a scenario. It's just the grimmest thing I have ever heard in my life. It's not that grim so if the fact that for 13 years they wheel this out twice annually is pretty grim let's be honest here so do you want to know what they've said so hold on so let us get this straight right so what so either one of them one of you is hanging off the edge of a cliff right and i think it's an accident right you fell off the cliff i'm assuming it's an accident let's assume it's an accident. Let's assume it's an accident, Rosie. Let's assume they're not just going, let's see who fancies dying.

I think it's an accident. Right, okay. So one of you has slipped off the edge of the cliff. Okay. And the other one's at the top and got a hold of them, right? Right, okay. Do you feel yourself slipping and just go with them and think, right, we'll die together?

Okay. Or do you let go? It's a bit like Titanic. Yeah. With Jack and Rose erm there was enough room on that board that really pisses me off

anyway there was people say this all the time I wouldn't hold it if it had floated on a door both of them would have got on it and it would have flipped

there's enough room for two people on a lilo but it hasn't got the buoyancy to hold them both alright I never thought of that they're just going they're going on surface area not buoyancy

it's bollocks right okay fair enough internet bollocks I mean you fair enough. Internet bollocks. I mean, you'd still try, surely. Well, this is a similar scenario. It was a holiday of romance.

I feel like if they'd both survived, it wouldn't have lasted. You never stay with a people you wouldn't hold up. It was very, they weren't suited.

Not long term at all. Yeah, exactly. Anyway, so, what would you do? Sorry, just as a side note, have you seen the extended cut of the end of Titanic where they all fucking maniacally laugh and the camera goes off into the sky?

Eh? It's fucking nuts, right? There's a second ending? Yeah, it's like an ending that they didn't use. It was one of the endings that they didn't use. So what, are they both alive? No, no, no. It's at the end where the on the in which is oldest which is an old lady and they said oldest fuck

that's really harsh which is an older lady and old rose jesus elderly yeah and and in the standing there on the actual boat that they've gone to look for the wrecking on the the you know the liner whatever it is and i'm sure if i remember, she drops it in or does she show the guy it? The guy who's after it. She shows him it and they're both dropping it or whatever. And then he laughs like a fucking nutter and they laugh for ages like lunatics

and the camera just goes off into the sky. It's really, really weird. I've never seen that and I'm all right for ever seeing that. It's really weird. They just piss themselves. I still don't like the fact that she

plops it in. Fuck her man. I mean why I find it very selfish why didn't she give it to him. Horrible. Do you know what

I mean? Honestly I'll have words with her when I say that. In fact if I ever meet Kate Winslet I don't think I'll be able to properly

talk to her because I'll still be angry about it. Who's angry with you is that fictional elderly lady. Do you know what Kate?

Mayor of Easttown did nothing to mend the anger I still feel for you. Not even you, an older version of you with the same character. I'll still blame you

because I've got no way to put me blame, Kate. I hope she gets an award for Mayor of Easttown. I'd give the whole cast. It was so good. Phenomenal show. Anyway, what would you do?

So I've got you hanging over the edge and I'm losing the grip on you. Yeah. But am I going to keep a hold and let you you hanging over the edge and I'm losing the grip on you. Yeah. But am I going to keep a hold and let you pull me over the edge or just leave Lucille? 100% just leave Lucille.

I mean, why wouldn't you? 100% just leave Lucille. Who's going over the top as well? Yeah. I mean, come on. So tell me which one of them... 100% leave Lucille. I mean, I'm a bit upset about it.

I thought you would have said do you know last year you would have said I'd go over with you you would have well no right no you would have oh that's really sad

you would have said you would no before my kids are born I might have not last year yeah now I've got kids you need to be here for them

anyway my husband you'd be as you're sailing down you'd be shouting make sure Robin brushes his teeth twice a day, Chris.

Chris, his uniform's in the utility room. Just put broccoli on his plate even if he doesn't need it. Just two hours a day on the Nintendo Square. Keep his nails short or he'll get bread worms. Brilliant. So anyway, my husband is an A and says I don't love him enough because she would let go and he would keep a hold but my reasoning is

he would, would he fuck no my reasoning is we have children and we can't both leave that there we go if we can help it, yeah I don't think in any way

your body would allow you to keep a hold of someone and just let yourself be pulled over no I don't think so either before you fully pulled over you would leave loose it would take all of the willpower

in the whole world to just keep a hold of it and let yourself get dragged over yeah I agree I think she won't try it this afternoon

practice we've moved away from the seaside there's no cliffs here it's just all hills roof roof aww

babadoo babadoo babadoo bah so since the mind sweeping story again oh Chris this is coming back we could dooo Bah So Since the mind sweeping story Again Oh Chris This is coming back We could do a full episode

Of just mind sweeping stories Really There's been so many right Right okay Okay This one Oh right Say what you think of this

Okay Hi Rosie and Chris Just listened to episode 121 With the stolen fish finger In Rosie's defence If you're getting hangry Sometimes no willpower Will stop that

Fair enough And that is so true And you know you're getting hangry, sometimes no willpower will stop that. Fair enough. And that is so true. And, you know, one-year-old hangry. Anyway. Anyways, my auntie was getting building work done to the house during the summer years ago and it was red hot. After the school run, she got home and was locked out. She was starving and reckons she wasn't feeling too good. Okay.

She was starving and reckons she wasn't feeling too good. Instead of just waiting until she got in, brackets needed to wait for her husband getting in from work, she spotted the builders had left a carrier bag on the wall. Right. She went through the carrier bag and found a soggy sandwich wrapped in cling film. Yes. No.

She ate the builders' leftover tuna sandwich that had been baking in the hot sun for hours all squishy and sweaty oh that is gross oh heavens no yeah so was this carrier bag they Yes. Oh, it's even worse! Oh, no. Like the rubbish at the end of the day after you've eaten, you leave it on a door handle or something. I was just about to say anything other than tuna, because that's what's made this feel a little bit,

I've thought of a worse one. What? Egg. Oh. Oh, I've made myself all sad. I couldn't even do that. That's horrible. Yeah.

I couldn't do that. Why don't you just go to a shop or jump back in the car? Why don't you just wait until her husband got home? No, I understand if she's starving, starving, starving, they're waiting until the husband be the last one, but you've got home somehow. You've either used your legs or your car. Go in the other direction and go and get something from somewhere.

Well, I personally think, right, if you own a yeah and a car yeah you've you've never experienced starving right so i know what you mean she could have waited you think she could have just waited you've never experienced real hunger if you have all of those things is it wrong that i would rather if that was me and i was absolutely starving i was like ill i would rather smash a window and just break into my house and then get the window fixed then eat that tuna sandwich fucking bacon hot no offense to builders but builders tuna sarnie the builders will find it disgusting they're always fucking playing pranks on each other man you always see them on the internet videos of builders going viral where they're cutting bits of cement bags on each other's heads

and hoeing fucking what's that got to do with their teeth well they're probably jizzing in each other's sonnies and all kinds of man stop it

Christopher we know a lot of builders don't even dare we'll get shot for this we do know a lot of builders and I'm telling you

right now as incredible as their work is if it came to pass that one of them had jizzed in another one of them sonnies I would not be surprised

by that behaviour I'm telling you that right now they were rugby players pissing on each other having a right laugh I think it's great man If it came to pass that one of them had jizzed in another one of them Sarnies, I would not be surprised by that behaviour. I'm telling you that right now. They were rugby players, pissing on each other, having a right laugh. I think it's great, man. Drinking out of each other's bollocks and that. Now, what was in that Sarnie? God, crikey.

The fact that it's been baking in the sun all day is probably the least of our worries. Well, do you know mayonnaise is really bad if you leave it out, apparently? Although everyone says this, I've ate mayonnaise. That's been out for ages. Now it's happened to me. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo babadoo bah. Would you like a midwife story? From the midwife?

Yes, yes. Midwife, midwife. I could do a midwife section. I've got loads. Okay then, let's do it. And they're always pretty interesting. I think I find them more interesting now because we've had kids. Midwifery.

Uh-huh. Midwifery. Because the thing is, when you are having children, your inhibitions go completely out of the window i've said and looked like i would never look in my life does that make sense whilst having my child being in labor yeah well i mean yeah yeah yeah the c yeah your priorities change yeah yeah you're not like how's my eyeliner you're, get this human out of me vagina now. Absolutely. Do you remember when, after I had me, because I had an elected C-section with Rafe,

I was off me tits. Do you remember? Yeah, you were off your tits the first time as well. Well, I know I was, but I knew I'd had diamorphine the first time whilst I was in labour, so I knew I was off me tits then. But I didn't realise,

little silly old me, right? Even though, like, general anaesthetic or whatever, I didn't think I silly old me right even though like general anesthetic or whatever i didn't think i'd be off my tits yeah but i really was the general practice is to make sure you're not fully aware when they're cutting you open right okay i think that's a good rule to go but i just i didn't think that i would i was like i'll be right as rain i'll be you know there's anything right about having a baby well do you not remember when I tried to feed Ray for me tits didn't work, but that's another story.

When I was holding him and I was just falling to Kip, I was like, you're going to have to take him off us. Tits didn't work. Still angry at my breasts for that. They're looking quite good though. They are getting back to normal.

So there was Rosie's weekly boob update. Tune in next week for another boob update thanks for listening get do the question man alright sorry god oh you know what it is sorry giving myself

a little bit of self love I've been loathing myself for weeks that didn't sound like much self love oh what the last bit when you complimented your own breasts

yeah me boobs are going back to normal okay good yeah anyway dear Chris and Rosie I too am a midwife. Go for it. That's, but we're not. Yeah, we are.

Don't we tell everyone I'm not a midwife? I'm going to lose work. I'm going to lose loads of money. I'm going to lose half my wages. I'm proper, full on a midwife. I'd love to be a midwife. Oh, no, no. No, no, honestly, I would, I nearly went into nursing. I did. Hands off and applause on Thursday night, on every night, for all of them, but no chance. I would. I think I in a nursing. No. I did. Hands off and applause on Thursday night,

on every night for all of them, but no chance. I would. I think I could do it. Anyway. I've just finished binging the podcast from start to finish and I've finally caught up with current episodes.

I've been loving the fellow midwife tales and thought to celebrate, I'd share the rankest story I've ever heard. Oh God. I hope this leaves you satisfied slash horrified. Sorry. Can I do... This is someone who's just said

that they have binged the entire podcast and now they're about to tell us the rankest story they've ever heard. So they've heard every story we've ever said. Oh God. And they

have a rank of... Oh. So is this a little bit of a warning for everybody? I'm a little bit scared. Okay. Oh, sorry, she said, if I've learned anything in 121 episodes,

it's that Chris needs details. Absolutely. Probably goes without saying, but please keep me anonymous. Got you. Of course. Here we go. Oh, God.

Belt yourself in. I don't think it's that bad, but... I mean, it is. Yeah, anyway. My colleague was attending a home birth of a couple I don't think it's that bad, but I mean, it is. Yeah, anyway. My colleague was attending a home birth of a couple who wanted minimal intervention and lots of privacy. Go to a field, you dick. Yeah.

I hate, oh, I shouldn't. Oh, fuck it. Oh, you're going to say you hate home births? No, I don't hate home births. I think they're great. And I think if you, there's some people who are terrified of hospitals and I understand, I get it. Like, I totally get it. If you want to't hate home births. I think they're great. And I think if you, there's some people who are terrified of hospitals and I understand, I get it. Like I totally get it.

If you want to have a home birth, but what annoys me about this? I'm going to have a home birth. You can come, but don't bother us. Or what the trained person in delivering babies. Highly trained medical professionals. Honestly, who the fuck do you think you are? Dickhead.

I would agree. I'm sorry. But that's the thing. They go, we don't want intervention. What's going wrong? Quick, intervene. Oh, you change your fucking tune. But that's the beauty of, you know,

doctors and nurses and midwives. They're not arseholes like me and you. Whereas I would go when it started, oh, there's a bit of blood there, is there? Oh, no, no. You told me not to intervene. I'd fucking turn the telly on and have a cup of tea. Yeah, same.

No, no. Don't you, go on, have fun over there, are a cup of tea. No, no. Don't you. Go on, having fun over there, are you? But, you know, they're not like that. She's hemorrhaging. Oh, well. Well. They're better people than us.

I know they are. Highly professional. And that's why you couldn't do that job. And I know I couldn't do that job. Rosie, you're booked into a home birth. They want you to be there, but they don't want you to. Fuck off. I'm sorry, but no.

You know that, Howard. I mean, all of the stories of people who've had things stuck up their arse and stuff that we've had on this podcast, you know I would have sent all of them home with no help whatsoever. Every single one of them would have gone, what you done? What's it?

In your rock? Get out. Good luck. Good luck to you. Go to the supermarket. Get some butter, you fucking pervert. I've got no time. I've got no time for people.

So that's you know get some butter you're so right though I just find that so so arrogant it's like going nobody's like going to a hospital

I broke my arm don't touch it where's your slings I'll put it on myself get out just don't come then let them do their job I don't let them do their job exactlyings I'll put it on myself get out don't come then let them do their job I don't let them do their job

exactly yeah I'll get out yeah I did once watch a programme and I don't care about saying this because this is my opinions

and think what you want I did watch a programme of people who like having babies like in the wilderness and that and one of them had one in

do you want to have it in like a field in the middle of Norway I had to ring an ambulance I was like are you pointless you are a pointless you are a waste

you're trying to do good but you're just honestly you're costing more money trying to have your baby and an ambulance has got to come and they're 400 pound a pop

you selfish cow I know but it's like we've got the ambulance on hand I totally agree I think there's an episode of Scrubs where someone doesn't want anaesthetic they want to be hypnotised and Dr Cox is fully against it and they get the hypnosis person

the hypnotist in and they're hypnotising them while they're getting the surgery and they just wake up fucking screaming I always think of that it's kind of what you get but you know, everybody's right to their own. Nah, they're not.

Nah, they're not. Sorry. Your opinion versus, you know, NHS trained medical professional. Nope. You're not right. You're wrong.

Yeah. So anyway, the midwife has asked to, oh, the midwife was asked to only come in the room to listen to the baby's heartbeat and not to disturb them

as she labored. Bollocks. Sorry. I know, I don't want to be too opinionated on this, but go and fuck yourself. Like I say, I would go,

okay, I'm just popping back outside and I'd have got my car and I'd have fucked off. And they'd be going, come in now, something's wrong,

something's wrong, and I'd be outside down the fucking motorway. Honestly, why? What's that thing called? The stethoscope.

That's hanging on the door handle still swinging after I've slammed the fucking door oh anyway okay well this midwife is a lot more professional than either of us would be

they always have to be that's the thing isn't it the midwife would knock come in listen to the heartbeat then slowly walk out again and sit in another room before repeating the process

every 15 minutes easy shift I suppose. Yeah. You know what I mean? Yeah. Easy shift. At one point, the couple told the midwife she was making too much noise when coming into the room. You couple of ungrateful wankers.

I told you the word, Dix. That's why I felt... I'd read this before. That's why I felt quite okay going down the throat. I thought you'd went in a bit harder. I know. No, no, no. No. Awful, no, no, no.

Awful, right? So the couple told the midwife she was making too much noise when coming into the room. So the next time she came in, she decided... So arrogant. The next time she came in, she decided not to knock. When she walked in the room, she stood in shock as she saw the husband licking his wife out on the sofa during her contractions. Oh, I am in hell. Please bear in mind, this woman was near delivery and was leaking every bodily fluid.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, stop. Blood, water, mucus plug, etc. No, no bodily fluid, blood, water, mucus, plug, etc. Do you want to know a bit of fact? I don't think I do. Orgasms act as pain relief and release oxytocin, which helps strengthen contractions. So I'm now wondering why you didn't go down on me during my 18 hour later. Can you imagine?

Honestly, I can't think of anything I would have wanted less at that moment in time. I think I would have kicked you in the face. I'm torn here because is he is he a dirty pervert or is he taking on

for the team in the most noble way possible oh who wants licked out when the can you stop trying to lick out it's disgusting

I'm sorry but see going down on a philly issue or something if any cunnilingus sorry I got told off I got told off it's not philly issue

it's cunnilingus cunnilingus I got like 25 million emails when I said that wrong. That's true. Dickheads, by the way. If any of my friends said to me, do you know when I was in labour,

honestly, all I could think about was my husband, my partner's head between my legs. I wouldn't speak to them again. I wouldn't speak to them ever again. It's fucked up. No. Horrible. Anyway.

Honestly, all I can think of is the mess. I'll be horrific. Rosie, his chin must have looked like a Bolognese. Oh, my word. Oh, my word. There's all sorts come out of you during labour, you know. You were wiping me during labour. Do you remember?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Because I was just a mess. With tissues. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not with my tongue. But it was horrific, wasn't it? I can't believe it. Horrible.

Honestly. Anyway, so back to the story. Apologies, everyone. Do I have to? Do I have to go back to the story? Well, it's just, I can't remember exactly what it says, but oddly, the couple were in two phases by her presence and politely asked her to step out whilst they finished.

Oh, my word. Traumatised, the midwife politely apologised and walked back out. She called for the second midwife to attend as backup and a healthy baby boy was born shortly after. A healthy baby boy was born into the family of perverts. Yeah. She said here, this is not an isolated story.

Many times at work, we have walked in on couples enjoying each other in the midst of labour, each to their own. But I think I'll stick to an epidural when I have my own babies. Like I say with many things, each to their own indeed,

but each to their own also means that I reserve the right to take the piss out of the thing and that is fucking gross it's grotesque i just as a person who's been through labor i just can't think of i couldn't think of anything worse at that moment in time but yeah but then again some people get turned on by pain didn't they so you know there's blooming shops that sell whips and fucking all kinds of you never know well hey there you go and she's gotten

out on you know you're halfway there well as I'm here I just cut now again it's the mess for me it's the mess

and also just oh I didn't I just what's wrong with everyone I didn't I'm not even angry anymore

I'm just they've broke they've broke us I'm not even angry anymore. I'm just the brokus. I'm not even shouting. That baby coming up being like, Dad, man, move out the way. You can stop now, Dad. Dad, you're licking me head. You're licking me head now, Dad. You're licking me head.

It's me head. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Thank you once again for listening to this week's episode of Shag Maridanoid, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Thank you once again for listening to this week's episode of Shag Maridonoid, which is now part of the Acast Creator Network. Thank you very much. As always, a little reminder that shagmaridonoid at gmail.com is where you want to send all of your stories, even if they're as gross as some of the stuff we have read out today.

Keep the gross coming. We love it. Keep it all coming. We love it. And we love you for listening. And we are on tour in December. Tickets on sale now. The wine glasses are back in on the website, I think.

Although I did mention them last week, so they might be gone by now. Pop lovely little things them wine glasses. They are. And more info on the upcoming TV show and pilot etc as we get it. Guys big love. See you next week. See you next week. Bye. Bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway.

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