Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 128. Draw the minion!

Episode Date: August 6, 2021

On this week’s podcast the Ramsey’s have some holiday kids club flash backs! Robin corrects Rosie’s spelling and Chris has some residual beef from sun stroke. Rosie puts her foot down over napkins and there is a live appearance from Sandra who helps out with some pronunciation. All of this plus some stinking QFTP’s.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. and my husband, Christopher Ramsey.

Hello, wife, Rosie Ramsey. Hi, husband. Hi, how are you? I'm very well. Good, hope you're all right. Sorry, sorry, what? What? Was it something important?

No. Oh, okay. Calm down. Are you all right? Oh, you're finally terrified of us. Finally terrified of us. That was nice. That was beautiful.

Do that again. Hey, guys, she's only just realised I'm terrified of her. It's been fucking years. I was going to say, imagine if people just went round introducing each other

all the time as husband, wife. Although actually, no, we do that. Some people do that. We do that a lot of the minute with Robin going to the new school. I'm always like,

my husband, Chris. Yeah. It freaks us out a bit. Well, I don't know because sometimes it freaks me out when people just say stuff as if you should know who it is do you know what i mean when a woman's like oh yeah like oh yeah gary will be here later and you're like what are you talking about yeah oh sorry my husband oh sorry i didn't know oh well okay okay i take back everything i said we

shouldn't reduce each other is that i mean definitely on a podcast definitely on a medium like this i mean it's official i mean it's normal life. Slapdash and cobbled together and low rent as it is. It is a big deal. It's a thing, isn't it? Here's an interesting phrase. My now wife. I like that.

Oh, I've never said that. I've never really had a chance to use it in a sentence, but I would quite like to use it. I think you're like seven years late to using that in a sentence. No, because I use it when I'm talking about,

so if i say like oh um i went on holiday in in 2012 with my now wife meaning we went on holiday 2012 but weren't married now please don't talk like that why would you talk like that why are you trying to stop me bettering myself listen drop trow get over yourself why are you trying to stop me leveling up oh is that what you want to do move to the country now the country now. Why not use some new words, some posh words? I'm just correcting you like Sandra did to me.

What did I say wrong last week? Midriff. It's not midriff. It's midriff. Don't even know where that came in. I can't remember saying it if I'm honest.

She's listening to a different podcast. It wasn't even me. Never happened. Hashtag never happened. Guys, it is episode 128. Hope you're all fine and dandy and happy out there. We're buzzing. We're both happy.

Pleasure to be here. And before we go... Speak for you. No, I am actually in a good mood. No, I'm in a good mood. We're back from holiday. Yeah. Holiday. Holiday my arse. We've been back, man.

Oh, shit, we've done that. Wow. Wow. Wow. You don't even know... There's me. I tell you what episode it is and you don't even know what's me I tell you what episode it is And you don't even know

What's going on What honestly Is it I thought we just got I thought we hadn't done one Since we got back from holiday We've talked about the holiday Shocking

Oh shit We literally did a full episode Called Not A Holiday Guys Guys I can only apologise I can only apologise For the absolute

Lack of professionalism By By This woman That I got with in 2012, me now wife. Yes, nailed it. I have no idea what I'm talking about. Moron. Wow.

Absolute moron. Okay, you're just doing what you do here. Sit back, time to earn some money. This week's lucrative, lucrative, lucrative sponsor is, this week's sponsor is Ironing. Hey, hey, just got that little shirt out of a drawer or something out of a case have you yeah there's a big crease yeah iron it oh sat in the car have you creased again wasn't that a waste of fucking time pointless yes it was when are creases gonna become just acceptable iron in a big hot steamy waste of

time i fucking hate it. But brought to you... Ironing. Brought to you in conjunction with people who point out that you haven't ironed your shirt. Oh, they can fuck off. Get in the fucking scene. Yeah. Horrible.

It's just such a... Chris, you've not got an iron like... Oh, well done, mate. Is that your talent? Is it making your clothes look flat? Oh, well done. Oh, what do you want? A fucking medal?

Oh, careful. Don't put it around your neck. You might crease your fucking what do you want a fucking medal oh careful don't put it around your neck you might crease your fucking shirt that happened recently oh i hate it i hate it when people point out i never iron i never iron right if you say is anyway i've always creased if i'm on telly someone else has ironed it and and it's fine right but everywhere else in my life i'm fucking creased i put this t-shirt on now. I'm wearing this T-shirt, me now T-shirt. Yeah. And it was creased this morning when I put it on. Now it's fine because, you know.

I don't think it matters with T-shirts and that. I don't like the kids being creased. I iron their clothes more than my own. Pointless. I don't stand ironing. I've seen people lying underpants. I've seen people lying socks. Maniacs.

How much time have you got in your life? I've got a lot of time. But here's a little hack I've seen online though. Oh, God. No, apparently. You know. What? The only thing worse than saying hacks online is someone reporting a hack to you that no worse than that is your mom trying to explain a meme to you that's worse than

the hack was you wrap your ironing board in tin foil and then you put the cover on right and then that way you iron like a sleeve and you don't have to turn it over because it goes, repels like the heat. Don't the covers do that anyway? Don't they bounce

the heat back? I've literally seen an advert with a... You know when you used to walk around Woolworths and there'd be a little TV screen and it'd be like the JML ironing cover.

JML. Iron the back of the buttons. The buttons just sink in. You know what I mean? But I don't iron anyway so you stick your tinfoil up your arse for a while. I might try it

but you're right actually I think there is the metallic ones, the silver ones oh anyway listen you've got to iron sometimes you can't look like not that bag of shit do you know what i really like what linen that's a nightmare i know that's the rosie that's the that's the top set worst i know it's the absolute worst i bought a linen jumpsuit it's quite expensive right i've worn it once jumpsuit i did i love I love it. Love it, right? Right.

And then I washed it. I ironed it and now it happened. Great. It's still creased a bit. At least you've got a good story out of it, though. I mean, we'll be. We will. Let the listeners be the judge of that.

Because they've all tuned out. Okay, now. Because we're talking about ironing. Oh, God. Oh, Jesus. Play the jingle quick this and here's the jingle

time to iron out the creases in this podcast we had a fight about the jingle jingle we couldn't

settle on a jingle jingle so this is the jingle jingle we hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap

Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag, Married and Annoyed. Lovely to have you back. Hiya. Hi, hi. Whatever you're up to. Cleaning, running. I don't know, shagging.

Stretching out, stretching out the days. Waiting for the beddings to go to bed Summer holidays Oh Summer holidays It's killing us I know It's killing us

I know It's really affecting you These summer holidays I feel like There wouldn't be that bad If we hadn't had the 18 months We just had Of course

Where the kids were just at home constantly Yeah It's just Oh god It's just every day I know Rosie every day That he's there

Well I'm really glad he's there I wake up he's there there's no way do you know he went to a little summer camp today I went to bed excited last night

because I was like oh my god he's going somewhere oh no no no sorry I sound like a bastard here that's horrible

no no no that's not me trying to say I want rid of my kid that's me saying I know he's going to be somewhere with other children where he's going to be

entertained and engaged and just knocking about with his mates instead of just sitting around here asking for food and wanting to watch the fucking ipad all the time jesus he has spent more time on an ipad in his life than i have in my entire life oh don't chris don't because i'm already guilty as out do not sorry don't start with that okay i feel terrible i know and he because he's got he holds it so close to his eyes and i'm literally like you're gonna go blind please stop honestly it's pure but look at he's not this week he's at that little camp so he's got like how long

is he there like six hours of the day five to six hours yeah so listen you can go on it when he gets i've got a really i've got a really horrible feelings yeah i'm gonna pick him up today and he's gonna go i didn't like and i don't want to go back i'm gonna go you've got to really horrible feeling I'm going to pick him up today and he's going to go I didn't like it I don't want to go back I'm going to go you've got to go back we've got work you've got to go back but annoyingly

he doesn't because my mum's here tell him that I know alright man she can do what we spoke about how my mum used to pretend

she was going to work on a Friday so I didn't get the school to phone and say I was ill let's just do that we'll all just go out your mum can go out

and take Rafe out we can all just go out we'll all put suits on tomorrow we'll say off to the office and I'll have to drop them off no i'm not doing that i i vowed never to do that because that is ridiculous i still can't believe your mom did that yeah every friday absolutely crazy yeah so guys if you're not if you're not up on this basically

it'll recap me mom when i was a kid uh when i was in the junior school a big shout out moby juniors now flattened um now a housing estate like all of my schools ring ting ting um riddled me this were they all that shit yes they were um yeah my mom used to have fridays off and i cottoned on so every single friday friday dinner time i would say i was ill and the teachers would have to fall wow so she started little shit started dropping us off in our work here then going home getting changed and go to the metro center great that was robin when i when i said to him about this little summer camp i was like because he didn't want to go because i think in his defense he was a bit nervous and he's not a nervous kid yeah started the new school great settled in amazingly but i think he was just a

little bit nervous because it was a completely different thing yeah, do you know what he did? He pulled the old, I'll miss Riff. Yeah, he loves a bit of I'll miss Riff. Bullshit. Shut up. Bullshit. I'll miss him so much. No,

you won't. No, you won't. I just feel like, I feel like he knows. I feel like there's a part of him. I feel like he's wiser. I feel like all kids,

anyone out there who's got a kid that goes to summer camp or whatever, child mine or whatever, I feel like they know that you're getting time on your own as a parent that you're getting really really quality time on your own away from them i feel like they know and they're like i'm not having this like no it's like for a joke if i'll pop out and you're you say like you're gonna sit on your ass and for a laugh i'll go run the hoover around like a joke i feel like that he's like did i not tell you when

we're on holiday and he went to the kids club so when we were on holiday well we're on holiday and we're there with people we know and they had their two kids right so we'll put them all in the kids club one day and they came out of the kids club and they said i hadn't even told you this either you know how they're drawn minions yeah yeah they're drawn some minions apparently this spanish lady who was running the uh because they reminded us this morning when i dropped you did tell me this dude again they're all painted these minions right and they were perfect they were amazing and apparently in this kids club there was an xbox in the corner and they kept going come and put on the xbox and part of the spanish lady kept going draw the minion paint the minion draw the me i can't do her accent but just like draw the minion paint the minion and that's all she was saying so it was like this fucking work camp production line of these kids just painting

minions until their hands were red raw and then it was that thing of the it was it was like the new the next it was later on that afternoon i said oh you're gonna go kids come kids come again tomorrow and they didn't say much about it and then the next morning out of nowhere our little mates our mates little our mates daughter turned to me from nowhere and went by the way we're not going to kids club today and it was just it was like by the way we have not we're not going to kids club today either we don't want to go back and i was like it was just a real like i just i feel like the subtext what she wasn't saying was had a little nice little day did you yeah a couple of beers we did have a nice day it

was the best day the best day the whole day was three hours while i went in there honestly god such a good idea kids club to get them out the sun but like don't our kids don't have a fucking xbox in the corner and not let them play on it. Draw the minion. Draw the minion, paint the minion. I fucking, I tell you what, like, the minions were, they were spectacular. Well, I feel like going to see her and saying,

excuse me, Mrs. Mrs. Inglisius. Ridiculous. Don't just assume everyone called Spanish as Inglisius. Unbelievable.

Unbelievable. Excuse me, Mrs. Inglisius. Us parents, we don't need evidence that they've had a nice time or that they've been here literally we just don't want them

yeah just keep them stick them on the Xbox stick them on the Xbox no evidence that's what they'll be doing they'll be like we need evidence

that you've done stuff and I'm like I don't care did I tell you when I went in there was a kid in a cage no what did I not tell you this

so you know like a kid in a cage yeah there was a kid in a cage so there was a toddler in a cage when I got there but it was it was you know like a kid in a cage yeah there's a kid in a cage so there was a toddler in a cage when i got there but it was um it was you know like tweety pie sylvester and tweety pie like a bird like a metal bird cage like an antique metal bird cage what imagine it's like three foot off the floor and like two foot wide and it had a balls in so it was like the most the smallest like contained ball pit i've ever seen and i thought it was just for show but then when i

went to pick them up there was a toddler in it I swear to god I swear there was a toddler in the cage it was off the floor no no it wasn't off the floor it was just on the floor on the corner but it was like

a white antique birdcage thing only about the size of a 10 inch pizza with about honestly with about like with some balls in it

and there was a toddler in it a 10 inch pizza that is not wide yeah no maybe a 12 inch pizza but there was I swear

ask the people we went with we couldn't pizza but there was I swear ask the people we went with we couldn't believe it there was a toddler in the thing I think they were just there for a lap and you were gonna

let him go back I felt like sitting get that toddler out of that cage fucking get a rotor get a rotor set up for that cage

he's not hogging that cage where's his mum and dad this is unfair where's Rave get my kid in that fucking cage now uno corona

por favor didn't they as well didn't they tell you when you dropped them off no party no party yeah they told her not to party

they told her not to leave the hotel stay here and just across from the hotel there was a there was a nightclub dayclub thing and they went

she literally pointed at it and went no and I was like we're not mum we're going to the pool draw the minion Jesus babadoo babadoo babadoo bah and she literally pointed at it and went, no. And I was like, we're not, mum, we're going to the pool. Draw the minion, Jesus. Speaking of our darling son,

our eldest son, Robin, you know, we've said this before, hopefully you'll never, ever listen to this. Oh God, no. Or if. But if you are listening to this, Robin, if you happen to just think one day, I'm going to listen to this.

If you're listening to this, Robin, I just want to let you know that you are awful to play I Spy with. Wow. Wow. I Spy, and at the minute,

we're testing his spelling, right? He asks us, he asks us to spell our words. So say, I was sitting in the car yesterday and say we're doing book, right?

Yeah. Book. Book. Book. Book. We say it really weird. It's a terrible word. So I was sitting in the car yesterday and say we're doing book right book book book we say it really weird it's a terrible word so I was like buh oh

oh kicking kit and he's like book and you go well done and then he goes I'll do one and he goes like

he goes like this he goes right okay ma'am this one suh hu oh oh eh

and I go ah shooey? And he's like, shoo! And I'm like, that's not how you spell it. It's S-H-O-R-E. And he goes, it's not. And I go, it's S-H-O-R-E. He goes, it's not, mummy.

It's not how you spell it. It's the confidence. The absolute arrogance of that little dickhead in his seat, in the back. I had to pinch you, do you remember, when he was doing it? I was like, he's having my life here. Well, you're missing out the best thing that he did. I nearly crashed the car because I was laughing. What? I had to pinch you, do you remember, when he was doing it? I was like, he's having my life here. Well, you're missing out the best thing that he did. I nearly crashed the car

because I was laughing. What? He literally went, you went, so you weirdly got the hump about it a bit and you kind of went in a bit hard on him.

You were like, Robin, like, you know, I don't mean to be nasty here, but Mammy is a lot older than you and Mammy knows that this is how you spell it. And Rob, can you remember what he said?

Robin turned around and went, well, my teacher's older than you and mammy knows that this is how you spell it and rob can you remember what he said robin turned around and went uh well my teacher's older than you and she said this is how you spell it i couldn't find he did he slammed up he did he slammed up well my teacher obviously not gonna say her name my teacher's older than you and she said it was this so you're wrong wow wow honestly i couldn't believe incredible arguing skills from a five-year-old just um like and he was so wrong yeah some of the words were shocking but you had no comeback you had no you can't when when you you applied the logic i'm older so i know so he applied the logic my teacher's older than you but i mean she's wrong she's absolutely wrong. I mean, what the hell? Should we move schools? I feel like he might be misremembering the lessons.

I think he is. Yeah. I might read about it. What would you do in that situation? What are you meant to do? Are you meant to go, well done, good try, but it's this? Because I did try that. I went, Robin, that's really good.

And he's really good at guessing them, but he's not good at spelling them out. Yeah, I don't know. I don't know what the right answer is. Or do you go go you're wrong because then it it got to that after 10 minutes because I was like

mate you're absolutely as a driver you're wrong as a driver of that car at the time I just wanted you both to shut the fuck up great

simple as that his eye spies are a bit shit as well yeah eye spies bad yeah eye spies something beginning with buh I don't know

like bush no I don't know bra bush no I don't know bra bus blue car blue car not the rules

not how you play not the rules idiot babadoo babadoo babadoo bah so big news this week Chris Ramsey turned 35 didn't he oh you did

yes you did you did yeah yeah little cheeky little birthday little birthday happy birthday to you which um which you know was very confusing because i had to celebrate it across three days essentially because uh robin was so excited to blow up me balloons and put me banners up that happened on sunday you just we live in a world where you can't tell him anything before the date i mean you could but it would be just days of like having to say no

and I can't be arsed Rosie I'm dreading Christmas this year what oh he's gonna be oh shit as soon as that tree goes up

shit nightmare it's gonna be crazy we're putting it up the 20th of December we'll have to we're on to it until then

right okay it's not going up we're on to it the 22nd I'm not having that I'm not having every day when's it coming I think this will be

the first year where he like comes to a room at two in the morning. Yeah, he's going to... Oh, fuck's sake. Oh, he's so persistent though. I was never that persistent as a kid. I was.

Ana, Ana, he's you. He's literally a little version of you. What did he say? Do you know what I said to him? Oh, this pissed us off actually, right? This was pure you and you need to pack this in. Wow. Right? No, I said to him this morning oh this pissed us off actually right this was pure you and you need to pack this in right no

I said to Robin this morning oh would you hand Ray if he's bit of toast and he went mum it's got loads of butter on I don't want to touch it that's my boy nah

no that's Rosie when are you going to realise that not everyone is a fucking chocolate quilted shit pig like you

with legs rolling around in their own filth. He's five, he shouldn't be scared to touch a bit of butter toast. He just doesn't, he didn't want any butter on his hands, he might have just washed his hands, he's worried that you're going to make them wash them again. Not everyone is a scruffy pig like you. You've broke Robin, you're not touching Rafe, he's mine, he is

mine, he's going to be an absolute little scruff. Yeah, can't wait. Can we just talk about for a moment, you tried to fill the coffee machine with water today, and water just went all over the fucking bench and you just left it you went I don't know what happened there

and you just left it it evaporates brilliant actually it evaporates it's a nice warm day come back when we've all drowned in the water

that Rosie's left for what the fuck anyway happy birthday thank you was it happy well basically Sunday what happened was

you and Robin went out for a little Sunday lunch which was nice it was lovely but it was nothing to do with my birthday well I mean it could have

tied in oh so I'll just cobble everything together eh a little jumble sale of things that I've decided that we're going to do anyway that can possibly mean

something for my birthday no it was your birthday Sunday lunch come on you had a little candle in your beef don't you Dave I got porky

don't even listen to me now obviously I'm only talking I'm not really, obviously, I'm only talking, I'm not really that bad, but I'm only talking about my birthday because I think we're all away, dear listener, we're all away of last year

where I had to go and buy my own cake. What happened then? So last year, if you remember, during the lockdown, I was on a birthday cake a week and then it came to me birthday and you sent us out to get my own cake and I didn't even want one anymore

because I'd spiked myself because I was eating so many a week. No, it's fine. I've really let you down on your birthday. Oh, well, you didn't get this year and i'm about to tell everyone how so um you basically then said uh come on robin we'll go to the metro centre and get daddy something um you basically did yeah you went and got some lego that essentially he wanted but i said yeah it's an older one and it's like an 18 plus lego but he can't please i'm not i'm not being funny right you ungrateful little shit that's £275

£275 of my money how ungrateful your mate doesn't work at the Lego shop and get 50% discount like I used to have better friends I'm sorry but you are so ungrateful first of all I'm not ungrateful because that Lego

was amazing and I love the Lego what do you say then? I say thank you very much you're welcome let's carry on itgrateful because that Lego was amazing and I love the Lego what do you say then I say thank you very much and I said I'm a dear you're welcome let's carry on it was the way the Lego was given to me along with everything else

so you turn around the last thing you said was we'll get you a big cookie cake a cookie cake yeah I was planning on brilliant can't wait Rosie I thought I was having a cup of tea when I got in

I thought I'd be back in a bit with my cookie cake I can't wait you came through the door with the Lego box while you were busy telling me that you hadn't bothered your ass to get it no they've moved millie's in the metro center don't you dare it's moved it shifted i thought that shut down because of covid and it's moved get on your phone you should have went and got one no you came in with it don't get us wrong

the cake was nice but it wasn't what i was after i was a little cookie i was after a little cookie i didn't get the cookie as i was being told that the cookie wasn't happening i turned around and robin just demolished the box that lego was in and pulled all them up that was all over the floor that was a nice big pile of oh for my birthday present was it oh i can't wait to get you something and get him to fucking use it honestly i would gladly really have my child okay borrow something of mine okay don't you're not in your head but you know i would so don't even find something'll find something that'll fit you up. Absolutely.

Right, right, carry on. Yeah, Millie's moved which was, and then I found it and they take an hour them big cookies and I didn't have time. You should have just said can I have this one

in the window here? Scratch fucking Dave off or whatever that says and just put Dad. Chris, they're there, surely they're there for weeks, man. Cookies don't go out of date.

No, I'm sorry but them display cookies will be months old. You reckon? Yeah, they'll be stale as out. I'd still eat them. No, you wouldn't. I'd still eat them. I'd still eat them. Wow. That's good. I'd still eat them. Do you know what as well?

Can I just tell you, I was a bit gutted as well. Why? Because I really like the cookies, the big ones. Oh, good, good. I'm glad the disappointment was shared on my birthday. But I wasn't waiting an hour for it. Anyway, I might get you one. We'll see. I might get you one get you one a little after after birthday we'll see what you do for my birthday yeah so guys guys full of nice surprises hashtag not shout out here if you see a lonely man in the metro center on his own buying a big massive birthday cake cookie for one that's me

don't point i'll be crying fucking loser as live comedy is back uh my warm-up shows are flying out uh two has happening soon our tour is on sale now obviously all the tickets available for they're flying out now otherwise people are saying that live comedy's back hashtag live comedy's back i could cry also though another shout out for a mate of mine uh scott bennett who was done uh he's done a question for the podcast before with his lovely wife scott is genuinely one of the best stand-ups I know. He's amazing. If you're in London, Scott is doing Monday the 9th of August at the Tommy Field.

It's basically always be comedy. Go online, find it. Always be comedy at the Tommy Field. 9th of August, Scott Bennett. You will not regret it. He's fantastic. Get yourself over. Just out of curiosity curiosity how many more mates

shows are you going to plug on our lucrative lucrative podcast first of all glad you bothered to show up for this one

I had to record the last shout out from me mate to me fucking self look do you know what it is right I said it last week I'll say it again now

theatre and live comedy were the first things to stop when all this shit show began and we've been the last things to get back on it. And I've got me too. It's really struck hard

and I just want to give them a leg up. Yeah. I am joking. Yeah, well, well, well, well. You'd flog your tickets though, wouldn't you? You'd go on Instagram and flog blooming, yeah, old fridge freezers, £300 only or a stuffer.

What are you talking about? I don't know. Just like when you put it in the paper. Facebook marketplace. I bloody love Facebook marketplace anyway yes yes

live comedy's back sorry babadoo babadoo babadoo bah it's time for what's your beef what's your beef beef

ooh beef time right I feel like I've already been attacked personally quite a lot this episode to be fair absolutely not

as usual ladies first or gentlemen first what would you like I've already been attacked personally quite a lot this episode, to be fair. Absolutely not. As usual. Ladies first or gentlemen first? What would you like? I'll go first. Go on then. Okay. Our whole relationship. Whoa. This is, honestly, I can't believe that I've never mentioned this. Right.

You give me a piece of kitchen roll every time we eat and I never use it. Right. Why? Because you're a messy bastard. No. Why? Every time're a messy bastard. No. Why? Every time I eat a meal, you give us a bit of kitchen... Have you noticed that you do this?

You give us a little square of kitchen roll and I always just take it, put it under my plate, I never use it and I put it back into the kitchen roll. You should start using it. I don't need it. Well, there's bloomin' foodie handprints on everything

and stuff all over your face and that. You give us it when I'm eating with a knife and fork. Well, it's like a restaurant. They give you a napkin. I give you a napkin. I never use it. Never use napkins. It's just a service I provide. Well, stop it. I don't want it. Well, no. No, I really honestly don't want it.

What if you need it? I don't. But you literally are the sloppiest, messiest person in the world. You get food all over you all the time. So what do you do? Just let it dry on you. You don't use the napkin. What do you mean? What I mean is... You give us it to wipe my mouth, but I don't have food at my mouth at the end when I'm finished my meal. So you're the only person in the world who doesn't need to wipe their mouth after a meal? Who? Who's? What? Do you wipe your mouth after every meal you've had? I wipe

my mouth after every mouthful, Rosie. Are you taking the mic? No. Chris, I don't wipe my mouth after a meal. Do you think napkins taking the mic? No. Chris, I don't wipe my mouth after a meal. Do you think napkins are for sure? No, I think napkins are there to put on your knee or, like, in case you make a mess. Right. I don't think you need to wipe your mouth after every single meal. I don't. I never do.

Wow. What? Am I? What's happened? Like I've said before... Does everyone wipe their mouth after a meal? Yes. No, they don't. Yes, they do. Right, every said before does everyone wipe their mouth after a meal yes no they don't yes they do

right every single meal you wipe your mouth I wipe my mouth yes right I don't this is where we differ I really don't it'll never last

fuck's sake how can you be angry at someone giving you a bit of kitchen roll I'm not necessarily angry at it get it out the beef section then you bastard

no but come on it's irritating literally there you are what the fuck I don't want a bit of kitchen roll I'm not necessarily angry at it get it out the beef section then you bastard no but come on it's irritating literally there you are what the fuck I don't want a bit of kitchen roll look at me now

I'll never give you a bit of kitchen roll thank you thank god hallelujah praise the lord as if something helpful like that

could piss you honestly what's going on it's just irritating I don't want a bit of kitchen roll get on me tits just sit on my plate

what if I give you a proper sort of erm like a proper napkin like restaurants with an iron it and starch it and that that's it they're even worse

fabric one I think they're ridiculous do you know when my mum goes to a restaurant that's got them proper fabric sort of you know the ones

in pristine white same yeah the same material as the tablecloth yes no my mum refuses to use them because she doesn't want to dirty it, so she gets a bit of tissue out of her bag and uses the tissue.

Oh, bless her. So I'm not using that. It's too nice. She's a kitchen roll passer. What it's for? She's a kitchen roll passer. Where do you think I get it from? Wow, yeah.

Actually, that's just... Kitchen roll. Kitchen roll. Best invention in the world. Gives a bit of kitchen roll. I don't want a bit of kitchen roll. It's because we've all seen how much mess you make with stuff. She does it to everyone well

fair enough it's just weird stop doing it brilliant okay I will Jesus right what's your beef with me more on why you're a bastard

right now my beef with you this week is dear listener we're all aware how I nearly died of sunstroke last week oh for god's sake

I was ill I was going to sleep during the day i was dehydrated i wasn't well you i went to go to the shops but i got in the car and i was like i can't drive i feel dizzy here i can't actually drive so i came back home uh you went to bed you did very nice you went to the shops i said will you get me some dioralite the little electrolyte packets that get all your sort of you know if you've had diarrhea again sunstroke you know if you're dehydrated they help you you uh you said they've got none they didn't have any they've got none in the shop they didn't have any i went

ask someone you went i don't want to i want to ask someone you went right i've asked they don't have any didn't have any did they didn't have any didn't have any at all they? Didn't have any. Didn't have any at all. No. I went to the same shop. I went to the same shop, guys. No less than 12 hours later. No more than 12 hours later. Fucking shelf full. Stock intake. They must have got that delivery overnight of just diurelite. Can you believe?

I was literally dehydrated and ill and because you can't fucking look past your arse I got you the

liver salt thing you got us the wrong thing you got us so she came back in guys with Andrew's liver salt which is for fucking upset stomachs and diarrhea

it's not replenish your electrolytes and all that guess what what Andrew liver salts were right next to the dioralite and and diarrhea it's not like replenish your yeah yeah yeah electrolytes and all that guess what what the andrew liver salts were right next to the dioralite well i didn't see it was the fact that i asked you to ask the staff and you didn't ask the staff when when are you gonna learn right i don't like talking to people wow i'm an introverted extrovert what a what an

irritating thing i am paying on yourself to get out of situations no no i am i'm an extrovert what a what an irritating thing I am to paint on yourself I am to get out of situations no no I am I'm an extrovert I'll get on stage in front of hundreds of people I'll do Instagram and I'll

I will chat to people you know I'm very confident get me to go and ask someone something in a shop I'm married not even to save your husband's life oh yeah man I had to buy it the next day

on my own and I could have died I could have died well listen house was being paid off got pretty good life insurance yeah exactly I'm actually a bit upset I had to buy it the next day on my own and I could have died. I could have died. Well, listen, how could we have been paid off? We've got pretty good life insurance. Yes, exactly. I'm actually a bit upset at how much money we're wasting on that.

Oh, so I should just die, should I? I should die to get the... Have you just claimed that I should die so we can get the money's worth for our life insurance? Did I? I mean, did I say that? I don't think I did. What a dick. The life insurance claims are interesting, aren't they? Do you remember the story years ago when somebody...

Was it from Shields? Is this the canoe? Aye. Someone went and disappeared in the canoe. What happened? Was that someone from South Shields? Probably. It's a risky business though, isn't it?

Faking your own death for money. Well, I mean, when are you then going to spend that? Especially now, everything's cashless. Well, you wouldn't be able to. Yeah. You wouldn't be able to spend it. Sorry, this card's getting declined it says you're dead

oh I got better like alright I just think it's such a drastic way like do you know what I mean when you're skint you're skint if you're that skint you haven't got a good

life insurance policy so that's bullshit greedy that's what it is maybe you got it on purpose to disappear in a canoe well that's that you can't

it's like when you take maternity leave. You've got to have worked at the place for a year. Right. So you would have to have your life insurance for a while. Right. You can't just get your life insurance... Well, maybe they've gone bust.

...and then fake your death. Maybe the business has gone bust or something. Why are you having a go at people in canoes? What's this really about? I'm really having a go at people who fake their... Like, I was joking then. You're saying that I'm serious, but you can't be faking your death to get your life insurance.

That depends on the people, doesn't it? Although I do... I really don't like insurance companies. Honestly, you can't be faking your death to get your life insurance. Although I do, I really don't like insurance companies. Honestly, for a five minute piece I probably would at the minute. I'd fake my own death. Where would I have to live though? I wouldn't live in a canoe.

I'd go and live in a field somewhere. No, where would you go if you're going to, if you're going to go somewhere to disappear, where are you going to go? I want to go to our loft. Just loft?

You could probably do that. If you didn't tell us. I wouldn't know. No, neither of us. Do you know there's a window at the top of our house that I've never looked out of? I'm terrified of what's up there. When you're not here,

I just have to pretend we don't have one. I'm like, there's no loft. There's nothing there. There's nothing there. Mammy, where's the Christmas tree? We don't have one. No. There's nowhere to put it.

If I had to disappear somewhere and escape, I'd go where Hawkeye lives. Sorry? Avengers. What, a ranch somewhere? put it if I had to disappear somewhere and escape I'd go where Hawkeye lives sorry Avengers what a ranch somewhere just in the middle of nowhere where it's hot

so you'd go to a farm in the middle of nowhere where it's hot yes how would you find this farm well exactly how would you find

the farm oh I'd find the farm but nobody else would find the farm but you've just called it where Hawkeye lives not just that scenario not exactly that house oh gosh rosie's gone missing let's look at a

computer for clues last google search where does hawkeye live i think she might be there guys you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca.

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at torontorock.com. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad times will start now. Evil things. Of evil. This Friday. the monarch of the devil. Movie of the year. I'm not real. I'm not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now.

It's time for questions from the public. Public. Public. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, it is shaggedmarriedanoid at gmail.com. Now, we've both done some reading questions this at you pulling your finger out your ass we've both read a couple and uh do you know what's really nice i've been reading them and a lot of them are people who have listened to a recent episode and something sparked an idea for them where they've

gone that reminds me of something for me and it's just really nice that it's this like interactive little it's lovely isn't it yeah i read one today and it was like i'm currently walking my dog in the park and i'm listening to this episode and it and reminders of this so i like the idea that they've sat on the bench and the dogs just ran around doing whatever and they're just quickly sending a little disgusting harrowing tailing yeah really good please keep them coming guys it's it's honestly mind-blowing how much amazing stuff comes in thank you so so much shag round and out at gmail.com okay hi chris and rosie a couple of episodes ago, you said the word anusol. I can't quite recall in what context, but presumably when there were toiletry issues. I imagine so.

The purpose for my email is that I am amazed at how you pronounce the product, right? This is going to blow your mind. Right. You said, brackets, phonetically, anusol. Anusol. I was gobsmacked as I'd always called it and heard it referred to as phonetically anusol. Anusol. Chris, we've been saying it wrong. They've been saying it wrong.

No. No one calls a product anusol. Chris, but you stick it up your bum it's for piles anisole that makes sense no

no Chris we're saying it wrong are we yes anisole that's wrong I'd like to speak to the people who own that company because what you're doing

putting anis in there we all know it goes up the arse don't call it you might as well have called it anis finger pop pops no surely we're anisole so you suck your bum tablet

we're saying it wrong we're saying it wrong we must be anisole it's got to be anisol you suck your bum tablet where's saying it wrong where's saying it wrong anisol well must be anisol it's gotta be anisol I don't know no

come on man condoms are called condoms don't call them fucking dick bags you know what I mean you allude to what it is but you don't do you know what I mean

anisol I wish they called them dick bags like big small medium dick bags

it can't it can't be anusol I think it is well I'm sorry but I am I think we're wrong don't you be walking around the house calling it anusol

now because I'll be sick I think it is should I ask my mum oh she calls it anusol she calls it anusol as well she used to be a nurse so there we go shall I quickly give her

a shout she's only downstairs she's busy with the pain I know I'm sort's busy with the pain. Hang on. We're recording the podcast, so you're going to be on. Right. Come here and sit by my mic a second.

Here she is, Sandra Winter. Right, listen, come here. So, do you know the product that you use for piles that you put up your bum? It begins with an A. How do you pronounce it product that you use for piles that you put over your bum? It begins with an A. How do you pronounce it? Anisol.

Anisol. Is it not anisol? No, it's just that Sandra is hysterically laughing. Is it like a midriff? I'm slagging you off a midriff. Is it not anisol? Somebody's messaging saying we're saying it wrong and it's anisol? I don't think it's anisole

What did they used to say In the hospital? Anisole Anisole Thank you Doesn't sound like You might as well call it a blim And get it up you

You might as well be discreet about it If you're going to buy it Thank you exactly Price check on anisole There's also germaloids What's that? Same thing but germaloids Germaloids

For hemorrhoids but germaloids This is gone Germaloids for hemorrho but germaloids. Germaloids. For hemorrhoids, but germaloids. Germaloids for hemorrhoids. Germaloids. I've never heard of that. What the hell is the positive? Okay. Right, okay. I think we're wrong.

I think we're wrong, Matt. Germaloids. Have you heard what they're calling condoms nowadays? Dick bags. Joke. They're not. Thanks, Sandra. Bye.

I love you, bye. Get back to work. Bye. I hear that hoover going. Shut up. Oh're not. Thanks, Sandra. Bye. I love you, bye. Get back to work. Bye. I hear that hoover going. Shut up. Oh, sorry. Oh, he's asleep, sorry. Bye, Mum, thank you.

I think we're wrong. Nah, no chance. Just while we're on the subject of pronouncing stuff, I just need to let everyone know we're not really posh. Sorry. What? I'm just going to have to interrupt you here because I've just Googled Anjasol, right?

Whoever emailed in, right, you can stick this up your fucking and you saw right the packet has the letters a n u s o l a n u dark blue s o l light blue so it is separate in the words right no one in their right mind no matter what the product puts the word anus in the product you fucking lunatic who emailed in look at the thing

look at the packet and you saw crikey as if I've got as if my job is defending how I pronounce the name of

suppositories on a podcast what the hell's going on in the world have you ever had piles I've had internal ones before where I just it was just hurting a bit i've never had them little tears is what i used to get little tears what just pushing too hard on it oh go go hard i go home well i've never time is money oh oh busy busy guy well you're keeping the anus all no time no time to iron no

time to let me shit fall out naturally i'll just wait for mine to come. We've talked about this before. No, I don't like it. I'll just let them fester naturally and then it's like, I'm going to shit myself. Well, that's why you sit in the toilet for a week and then you go, oh, it's took us by surprise.

Now I have to leave the room. Just while we're on the subject, sorry, I was just saying before, we have not turned really posh. Right. We say master and plaster. Yeah. We shouldn't really because it's ridiculous.

Yeah. But I think it's a South Shields thing. Yeah. Plaster. Yeah. Where most people say plaster, but we say plaster. Why do we? I don't know.

We say plaster and master, which is really strange. Like headmaster. Yeah, headmaster. Very strange. Really strange. Loads of people have called me out for that. Why do you say master and plaster? But as if we would just keep our northeast accents

and then just randomly choose two words to go, right? We're going to fucking... We are going to kick the dick off these two words. These two words are going to pay the mortgage. Yeah. Plaster. Master. Very strange.

Robin's posh now, isn't he? Robin is posh, yeah. Robin's so posh. We have to start wedging him to his den of money. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hi. I'm currently pregnant with my first child.

Yay. I recently made a discovery, which I think might be weird enough for your podcast. Oh. As my body has changed over the weeks and months, and my bump has protruded more outwards, I started to notice that there was something black inside my belly button.

What? As time went on, this stuck out further and further until I was able to actually pinch it with my fingers. What? So hang on. No. What?

So she's pregnant and her tummy's getting bigger. So you know how your tummy does that disgusting thing where... Right, I mean, wow. That's a nice, nice way to talk about pregnant women. What?

What? The fact that your belly button turns inside out. I'm sorry. You said disgusting. I reserve the right to say that. That fucking minging by the way the belly buttons freak me the fuck out and pregnant women you're beautiful you're gorgeous all that bullshit that people say but when your belly button just goes flat it's fucking horrible it is crazy not only does it

go flat it kind of the inside comes out and then there's like the bit that you can't normally see is there like exposed the star oh god it's like a little fucking it's like a little anus on your stomach

no it is it is it's like it's like your bullet just there balloon knot horrible yeah

so that's what's happened so it's I mean congratulations and there's something black yeah yeah congratulations on your manky belly button

so but there's something black something black in it right so just being able to pinch it. What? With our fingers.

Right. It turned out to be, you'll not believe this. Right. It turned out to be the end of my own unbiblical code. Un what? Unbiblical. Unbiblical? Unbiblical.

Unbiblical? Unholy? Unbiblical. Unbiblical? Now I'm like, am I wrong? It's not unbiblical. Is it not unbiblical? Unholy? Umbilical. Umbilical? Now I'm like, am I wrong? It's not unbiblical. Is it not unbiblical? That's something to do with Catholicism.

Is it not unbiblical? It's umbilical. Umbilical. Is it um? Oh, yeah, it's a U-M. Oh, shit. U-M-B-I-L-I-C-A-L. Unbiblical.

Is that not what you say? Unbiblical. Have I been saying it wrong? Oh, hey, how the tables have turned. It's normally me making you feel like an idiot. Have I gone red? Yeah, a little bit. Unbiblical.

Wow. I mean, it is unbiblical. Slut. This is like when I thought that the White Stripes album Get Behind Me Satan was called get behind me santa oh jeez it's one of them days yeah it's um-biblical

so that bit of black thing was her own um-biblical cord her own un-biblical cord please stop calling it her own unholy cord has just been sitting snugly inside my very inward belly button for the past 32 years

no no way 32 years I was a bit scared to try and pull it out completely Christ alive as it was still attached

don't do that why why did people just well you would pull it you would try to pull it out though but why I was a bit scared like oh I'm gonna

I'm gonna just this bit of like me flesh I'm just gonna decide to rag it off for no fucking reason at all and she pops like a balloon and whizzes around the room and flies out the window

I'm sorry but how did nobody notice that that was there well yeah so I was a bit scared to try and pull it out completely as it was still attached

but today I finally plucked up the courage oh she's pulled it and then emailed straight in oh I'm so glad just chill got a bit of it

on her fingers you know who really want to know about this chris and rosie so yeah but today i finally plucked with the courage and very carefully peeled it away and flushed it down the loo wow it was rank and looked exactly what you'd imagine a 32 year old unbiblical cord to look like umbilical please stop saying unbiblical unbiblical unbiblical think of a slug that's been dried out in the sun. Oh, Christ.

I don't want to think about that. It does beg the question as to how on earth my parents never spotted this when I was a baby. I'm sorry, but I'd like to think

I'd notice if Rafe had a bit of his umbilical cord. Rafe's got a weird belly button. No, he hasn't. It's God, don't you dare I feel like I want

to jet wash it I feel like there's stuff in there that needs to come out there's nothing in there oh don't we'll see 32 years time

32 years time we'll see what there'll be a bit of umbilical cord when he's pregnant as you said yeah I can only imagine because by the time

I came around they had four children to look after and some things just got left by the wayside yeah neglected yeah bit of her insides are hanging out it's all right just fucking just

get out of bed can't you still walk it's fine babadoo babadoo babadoo bah hello there I was hello was just listening to episode 125 today and the poo bag chat reminded me of this little episode I picked my daughter up from nursery when she was three and the nursery told me that they were worried about the smell of her. They had changed her nappy multiple times, etc. They thought she had been rolling in something grim in the garden but found no evidence. This kid just stank.

That's bad crack. I mean, it's a hell of a parents evening. Wow. So your kid stinks? She's rotting from the inside. Yeah she's over there. Come on your mum's here. So has she been good today? Yeah she's been no bother. Smells like shit but

no bother. I'm sorry but I've worked in nurseries right and there was some absolutely lifting kids. Yeah. I never tell the parents. Well I just. No know they stunk now wow oh hello mr and mrs robinson do you know do you know you all fucking stink um just you stink your partner stinks he's been in these stinks worse than you and the band stinks what do you mean what do you mean i'm fired what do you mean you're ringing the agency i don't understand

hey truth time i fed your child so sorry right they've told the kid that this thing is shit yeah so i didn't think that when i read it but yeah that's so unprofessional but anyway has she got a rotten tooth? Why have you all got pegs on your nose at this nursery? I told my husband and it turns out when he walked the dogs with our daughter on her

little push bike, he would put the poo bags full of poo in her hood so he didn't have to carry them. No he didn't! No he didn't have to carry them. No, he didn't. No, he didn't. That is, that is awful.

Don't tell me she had that coat on and he left them in. The smell, no, no, the smell had permeated the fabric and no amount of dazzo aerial or comfort was getting that out.

The worst bit is he thought it was a genius idea. The twat. That's, I'm sorry. Poor little kid. Lord and dog shitting out. That is horrendous. That's horrendous.

Oh God. Like, yeah, okay. Okay, I can understand can understand that yeah she would stink dear rosie and chris i'm currently walking around oh this is what i was talking about i'm currently walking around my local dog park and listening to episode 125 where a lady emails in to say she doesn't wash her bed sheets or dressing gown we've all talked about this lady it's got a lot of people talking right i've got something very similar that i'd like to share with you what oh this is this is really really minging right oh when i was 13 years old i broke my arm by falling off my bike into a ditch i had to have a metal pin drilled into the bone and i wore a cast i had to wear the cast for a couple of months and because the doctors didn't want to disturb the metal pin drilled into the bone and I wore a cast. I had to wear the cast for a couple of months and because the doctors didn't want to disturb the metal pin, I wasn't allowed to get the cast changed

to one of those bright pink or blue ones you see on primary school kids or the neighbour's cat. Very specific. Always jealous of them kids with casts. Yeah, the ones that were really bright. Can't draw on them ones though. You know the ones with the...

It's like a serrated kind of. Why can't you? They're really hard to draw on. You need a really thick. Oh, you need a really thick pen. Do you know what I mean? Did I tell you about Paul Pentelope? I must have told you.

What's that? Ran into a wall, broke both his arms. Right. So he came to school with two casts on his arms and like metal things keeping them up like that.

And they were striped like twist-out lollies. So he just had to sit there like a fucking rugby goal. I don't know why he came in. Sitting there like a rugby goal all day yeah ridiculous like wow so we just did he write what what what did he do what did he do in the lessons i mean am i misremembering this actually little listen to the shield messages but i'm sure i remember him coming in with two broken arms like

up in the air and they looked like Twister lollies and I'm sure he had the metal I mean have I dramatised it? Have you watched that? I can't understand that. He broke both his arms.

I just can't. Why would you come to school? What do you mean? What happened when he was doing lessons? What was he doing? He wasn't in my class. I'd just seen him in the yard.

Apart from answering all the questions. Does anyone know the square root he doing? He wasn't in my class. I'd just seen him in the yard. Apart from answering all the questions. Does anyone know the square root of this? Paul? Oh, no, sorry. Paul? Yeah, yeah. Oh, sorry.

No, yeah. On his report, Paul is very enthusiastic to answer questions in lessons. Terrible at eating his dinner. There's no way. There is absolutely no way a kid came into your school with two casts, his arms up in the air.

Seriously. There's no way. I really feel like you did. There's no fucking way. I really feel like this happened, Chris. This has happened in me life. There's no way. I'm telling you. There's no way I really feel like you did there's no there's no fucking way I really feel like this happened Chris this has happened in me life

there's no way I'm telling you there's no way I'm telling you right well Ashley I'm not having it ringers I'm not having it

because I might be misremembering that yeah I think you are they were like twister lollies green and white and I remember thinking you looky sod

green and white just to draw more attention to the poor cunt so Paul what we're going to do is we're going to cast both your arms up in the air

what down by my side like a normal one like I said no no we're going to do elbows point to the floor fingers point to the ceiling we're going to put

scaffolding underneath and we're going to put them bright white and green white and green for no reason at all could just make them white could make them

white and green striped to really catch the eye and then we're going to send you to school green, striped to really catch the eye. And then we're going to send you to school and you're going to sit in the middle just with your arms up like that. What are you going to do at dinner time? Fuck knows.

How are you going to put your coat on? Fuck knows. It was in the summer. Oh, brilliant. It was in the summer. He didn't have a coat on. I do remember that. Of course he didn't have a coat on.

Of course he didn't have a coat on. He couldn't put a fucking cord on if he wanted to. Honestly, I think you may be right. It mustn't have happened. Why do I think it did? Because you're a fucking idiot. What's wrong with us? Chris, I've thought about that a lot, you know. I've honestly thought

about that a lot. Arms in the air. Why? Why would they put them in the air you've watched fresh prince of ballet or something where someone's done that and you put it into your head and put it there's no fucking way i'm sorry oh god i feel like it did right um so back to this person they brought their arm they got a pin in it right oh yeah um it's white and i had to wear a heavy white plaster around my arm i also did this at the beginning of summer so it got quite sweaty

under there. When I sleep, I tend to sleep on my side curled up with both hands to my face. So like fetal position, right? I do that. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The cast began to develop this wonderful perfume. I can't describe it. It wasn't dirty or bloody or sweaty, just fragrant. Musky.

Every night, I'd send myself to sleep sniffing my cast. Wow. Eventually, the time came when I had to get the cast removed. But how was I going to sleep without it? Oh, jeez. I told the doctors I had to keep the cast

because everyone at school had signed it and I wanted to keep it to remember everyone. I was a bit of a loser at school and didn't have many friends. So honestly, when I broke my arm and suddenly everyone wanted to be my BFF and sign my cast, it sounded like a reasonable thing to want to remember oh my cast was also white so people had signed it and multicolored felt tips and it looked quite cool the doctors began to saw off my cast and to mine and my mum's great surprise when the cast was lifted off my arm the metal pin that was drilled into me was sticking out of my flesh. Oh, gee.

Oh, no. Oh, Chris, man. The inside of the cast and my arm were both covered in two-month-old blood and pus. It's funny. Towards the end of the two months, I could feel something rubbing on my wrist under my cast and didn't know what it was. How did that not hurt? Unbelievable. I now have two scars,

one from the pin on my arm and one from the rubbing against my wrist. I told the doctors I still wanted the cast. So to my mother's horror, my cast was popped in a carrier bag and I carried it home on the bus. I'd have done that. I'd have kept me cast. I took it safely away under

my bed and couldn't wait for the night time when I could get my cast out and sniff myself to sleep. I normally don't agree with people when they say there were losers at school, but reading that sentence, I think you were a loser at school. Oh no. For the next couple of months, my cast was my teddy bear. Until one day, my mum woke me up early.

She caught me snuggling with my bloody pussy cast that I had taken off months ago. Of course, she immediately got a plastic bag and threw it in the bin. Brackets, she wouldn't even touch it. She scooped it up like dog poo. Oh, it must have been absolutely disgusting. Disgusting. Wow. But I wouldn't let it go that easily.

That night, once my mum had gone to bed, No, she didn't. I went outside to the bin. Brackets, it was too gross to put in the kitchen bin and I fished my cast out and put it in a shoebox. Shut up. She took it out of the bin? Yeah.

Oh my God. Don't say she's still got it. I'm now 22 years old. The shoebox is still sitting under my bed and whilst I no longer sleep with it, it does get an occasional sniff. Oh God. I'm sorry.

It's fucking 22 years. How lame, man. I'm surprised. It's fucking 22 years. How lame, man. I'm surprised it hadn't gone up and left. What? Why would you? That's rotten. That is rotten. Oh, Christ.

It says, Chris, when you broke your ankle, did you ever smell your boot? I did. It smelled disgusting. I smelled it once. I'll never do it again. That sat upright in the garage. It's really horrible. The boot, yeah.

It's in the garage. We should probably keep it. I feel like as soon as I throw it away, I'll break my ankle again. Should you yeah, it's in the garage. We should probably keep it. I feel like as soon as I throw it away, I'll break my ankle again. Should you not donate it back to the hospital? Fucking stinks.

No chance. I asked them, I said, what happens? Do you take them back? They went, no. Oh, no, what a waste. Could they not put

a fresh lining in? I don't know. It still does the job. I don't know how this works, Rosie. It's not a place to talk about. We'll just keep it in case. Great. There you go, guys.

Next, our shopping list. Okay, got one here. Right. Now, you know I don't like it when they're sort of pre-ambled, as in like, this is the worst thing ever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But this one really like, she builds it up like something rotten,

and I feel like I really have to read it to do it justice, right? Right. So are you saying it's good, or are you saying it it's bad i'm saying listen to this preamble and make it okay hi rosie and chris yes i've written in with a couple of stories of a certain disgusting nature but i've held back sending this one to you because i've genuinely never told a single person i love these ones brackets not even my best friends. Right. This memory, she goes on, is something I try to forcefully erase from my brain immediately after it happened, but has popped up in my mind once every year or so

to remind me how much of a disgusting creature I am. Oh, right, so they're disgusting. So she is disgusting. This pops up. So every time I remember this, I just want to cry on the spot and have a three-day shower. Wow. Three-day shower.

Chris, listen, I'm interested. spot and have a three-day shower wow three-day shower chris listen i'm interested what in a three-day shower no god three-day shower absolutely not in this story think of the water think of the prunage uh okay here we go okay picture the scene flashback six years i'm 17 and i've never done any more than kiss a boy i had been dating a slightly older guy brackets 20 for a few months and i felt like it was sorry just i'm just when someone says i'm dating someone slightly older you think right he's 50 yeah he's 20 like he's three years older than she was not that much difference and she's 23 now after sending this it was six years ago so okay right uh she's 17 yeah sorry i was gonna know she could have said this at the beginning

of the podcast in which case she's probably 705 now I know she could have said this at the beginning of the podcast in which case she's probably 705 now for how long we've been fucking doing this right

she's 17 he's 20 so I've been dating a slightly older guy brackets 20 for a few months and it felt like

it was time to take the plunge looking back on it the first of my mistakes was losing my virginity in a hurry but worse mistakes are yet to come

right so so she feels like she rushed losing her virginity to him Right. So... So she feels like she rushed losing her virginity. To him. To him, but this is... At 17. Yeah, but worse mistakes... Well, I mean, she's absolutely...

Taking her time! Do not judge everyone. Do not judge everyone by your whorish, whorish standards. Please. What's her name? Frigid. What's her name? Not a frigid. I'm joking. I am joking name? Frigid. What's her name? Nana Frigid.

I'm joking. I am joking. Yes, thank you. Context. I lived in Durham with my parents and he was in the military, so he travelled around a lot. Oh.

Oh, he's in the army. I didn't really want to take a... This is... Bless her. This is tragic. I didn't really want to trade in my V plates in his parents' house. Wow.

There's no other... 17 no that 17 no other choice yeah so he agreed to pay for a boutique hotel night in newcastle or does that say bougie bougie hotel for the night in newcastle that's a new cool world is it yeah bougie it was in a rap song i think once and now it just means like a bougie like cool and trendy and whatever brilliant brilliant we've talked about it before anyway I think we'll have yeah yeah yeah

the train from Durham to Newcastle is only about 10 minutes so I agreed to meet him there in the evening I was brackets shitting it

oh I really bless her I really wanted it to be all perfect chick flick style romantic so I wrote myself a little to do list

brackets you know wash hair nice underwear do make up shave legs I felt fit and ready for my cute romantic night

with a worldie he must have been fit he must have been nice see this is the whole I didn't know I was going to lose my virginity

when I lost my virginity no that makes sense no no well I mean I mean you're always losing stuff I am very forgetful

Chris have you seen my virginity No, well, I mean... I mean, you're always losing stuff. I am very forgetful. Chris, have you seen my virginity? Is it in the... It's not in the drawer where we keep the virginity. Where is it? Oh, fuck, I don't know, man. No, I had it out when I was only 15. Oh, God. Horrible.

Illegal. Another law you've broke. What was it? Thievery of the bag. Yeah. It. Another law you've broke. What was it? Thievery of the bag. Yeah. It was another one you did earlier. Another law you broke. A couple of weeks ago,

I found out another law you broke and now underage prostitution as well. Shocking. Underage prostitution. Right. On the train, he rang me to see how long I'd be and he got a little bit naughty on the phone.

Oh. Talking about what underwear he was imagining I had on and how he'd be ready for me in the hotel room. Oh, not when it's your first time. He said, brackets prepare to cringe, I'm all shaved for you, baby. He said that? He said it!

Oh, God. Oh, no. Smooth as a little boy's tiddler. No, I do not like shaved penises. They are horrible. They come in all spiky. It's disgusting. Stop doing it.

Doesn't make your dick look bigger. It's horrible. That's slander. No, it's not cool though. Have you ever done yours? What do you mean? I bet you have back in the day. Everything shaved off?

Yeah. No, disgusting. I've seen loads like that. It's horrible. It's horrible. Awful. Vile. leave a bit leave a bit of grass on the pitch

just disgusting like them do you know leave a putting leave a putting green mate horrible do you know Dumbo Dumbo

yeah do you know the horrible birds right that's what reminds me the vultures yeah no no no Jungle Book

Jungle Book brilliant Dumbo is the crows well either of them just them horrible birds no no because the crumb Boys and the Crows. Well, either of them. Just them horrible birds. No, no, because the crows have got all of their feathers. Right, well, bits of them don't. No, you mean the vultures in the Jungle Book.

Are they bald? That's what you mean. Yes. Right, then them. Good God. Why don't you... You don't even know what birds are. God almighty.

Two Disney films. So rubbish. Right, so he said, prepare to cringe, I'm all shaved for you, baby. Vile. And my heart sank. As quite a naive 17-year-old girl, it hadn't dawned on me to shave my, and she's wrote hoo-ha here,

it hadn't dawned on her to give a little trim down. Right, okay. Well, no, because you're 17. Well. How many pubes you got? Well, I mean, probably, it's only a 10-minute train journey, she probably didn't have time to count.

No, but you're not going to be, you're not going to have a full 70s bush are you? Well you never know Everyone develops at a different stage As soon as I got to Newcastle station I went to Sainsbury's to buy a razor And some shaving cream Not a dry shave she didn't I put them in my handbag and when I walked out of the shop

I bumped into him Turns out he decided to surprise me at the station and I realised I wouldn't have time to shave in the hotel room so I quickly excused myself and went to the train station toilet. No, you're not shaving! She's only 17!

You don't have to do this! Oh, poor lamb! Bless her little heart. Now, obviously I'm not going to shave my fanny in the communal sinks. Brackets, there were people coming in and out loads, so I couldn't if I wanted to. So in the brain of a stupid 17-year-old me, the only option was to do my best in the cubicle. I sat on the loo, put shaving cream on the area, got the razor out and paused. This is...

Can you shave your pubes with no water? I'd never done it before. Oh, God. of your pews with no water? I'd never done it before. I did what in my head was the only natural thing and dunked my razor in the toilet water. Oh, shut up! Oh my god! That's, that's a

don't worry about getting an STD from sex. Well. Or what? As it turned out, I ended up with not only chlamydia but thrush and a UTI. No, shut up. I guess I'll never know if I got this cocktail of infections from my first chag or from the Newcastle station ladies' loo. Oh, my God.

Please keep me in honour because my mam listens to this and doesn't need to know how rotten I am. That's hilarious. That's awful. It's awful. I just want to say that at the beginning calling yourself a disgusting creature etc fully warranted but however

you were young you were nervous we don't blame you but god almighty thank you for sending it what was the other one because she sent two was it she sent some others in the past so what I should do is I should find I'll find her name I'll find her email and I'll find the other one because she sent two, was it? She sent some of those in the past so what I should do is I should find, I'll find her name, I'll find her email and I'll find the other ones. Yes, please.

Yes, please. The Chronicles of the Toilet Shaver coming soon. If you're willing to shave your pubes off in the communal... But this is the worst one so we've actually started with the worst one here.

Okay, right, fair enough. So we'll see, we'll see. Okay. I bloody, bloody love you lot. Love yous all. Honestly. Love you all. These are the joy,

just the gift that keeps giving gift that keeps on giving babadoo babadoo babadoo bah do do do do do do thank you once again for listening to

Shagged Married Annoyed which is now part of the Acast Creator Network it is part of the Acast Creator Network always has been it feels like doesn't it

guys thank you so much if you want to get in touch it's shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com please continue to send in your wonderful wonderful stories and questions and everything else the shaggedmarriedannoyed live to at the december dates are on sale and selling fast and we'll see you out on the road soon and we'll be back in years next week bye Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do.

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