Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 129. Rosie Harissa

Episode Date: August 13, 2021

Chris and Rosie are in the studio and there's been technical problems, again. They chat pets, suspicious texting and there's a new 'our house' feature.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. 666 is the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen.

In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag Maridonoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey, who still hasn't learned how to use Logic Pro. Kick a man while he's down. Before every podcast record, something always messes up, and he doesn't know how to fix it. And all I've said, Chris, is please just watch a 12-minute YouTube video. I am not watching a 12-minute YouTube video by a 12-year-old

teaching you how to fucking vlog, right? They go around the houses, it takes them fucking ages. If there's anyone out there who knows how to use Logic X, right, and you can link us to a YouTube video where someone isn't a prepubescent fucking child telling us how to stream Fortnite, right, and record me audio.

Listen, they give you your fucking life story and I hate it, right? It upsets us right it upsets us it upsets us but but I don't care because this is happening before every record

I'm a busy man it's not every record it's not every record it's starting to be every record it literally just happened now right basically guys

you might be hearing this you might not be it was a robot voice for ages we're busy as fuck anyway we haven't got another day to record it it was a bloody robot voice

I was nearly crying just come on just stop kicking us while I'm down we do the sound check and it's like day to record it it was a bloody robot voice I was nearly crying just come on just stop kicking us while I'm down we do the sound check and it's like 2 2 1 2 it was like it's horrible

but then do you know I typed into Google why is Logic Pro doing robot noise and it was like how to get a robot sound effect I was like no no

we don't want it yeah you know the worst thing you did I don't know if anyone's ever had this where someone I mean I don't really know how to use

the stuff I've recorded on but apparently this sounds good yeah but however yeah but you you know even less right right so what you did was you googled the same thing as me and i was looking at my screen and you were like oh have you have you actually said have you unplugged a server right do you know what a server is no right because we haven't fucking got any someone in a restaurant brilliant right so you asked us if i'd unplugged a, which is like asking someone with a car, have you fucking, have you attached the caravan

when you don't have a caravan? Maniac, right? And then... Still don't know what it means. Quite a good analogy there. And then, right? And then you looked and you read word for word the same thing I was looking at.

You went, oh, there's a lead being disconnected and you were using the terminology. Do you want me to take over doing the logic? I can't. For the podcast. I can't have you taking over more stuff in my life. I can't. I feel like you're muscled in too much.

I don't have much left. No. I don't have much left. All right, then get them YouTube videos watched. I'm absolutely demented. But it's working. It seems to be working right now. We're here.

Dear listener, the beefs have started really fucking early. Eh, honestly, I tell you what. Behind the scenes of a podcast record, I'd have a little minute there, didn't I? You're all right. Since we came in the studio, it's been nothing but disappointment. We walked up the stairs into this little podcast studio that we've got, right? And first of all, when you were downstairs, you said, do you want half a cupcake?

And I said, yeah, I'll have half a cupcake. And then we got here and you handed us a tiny bit of cupcake. I went, I had half, and then I wanted more. So there you go. Okay, I started eating it, and it was really delicious. And I thought, I want more of this. So I got a crumb of cupcake. That was good. Just before that, we've had more lamps delivered.

That's great. We'll talk about that in a minute. Oh, really? Doorbell went, more lamps. Great. Buzzing with that. Fucking hell, man. They are nice, though.

Yeah, but you know what? Right, no, we'll talk about it now. Bollocks. I don't even... Oh, fuck's sake. This is the introduction. I don't even care, man. Oh, boo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo-doo- has lamps must have heard this podcast because i've never seen the fucker he drops him on the door and he runs off down the drive i've never seen him because i think he's scared that i'm gonna throw them back in his face okay right so i got the lamps so what do you you want to tell

everyone i've spoken about before if you're not aware of the lamp thing in this house she's a maniac she just keeps buying lamps i do really just love a good i love a good light like i just like nice lighting right i've said this before but i get really upset when you go to places like a restaurant or someone's house, and the lighting's just awful. I want to leave. Like Asda at midnight. Oh, just bright and disgusting. And that's fair enough, right?

But we've got a disproportionate amount of lamps, and then a disproportionate amount of lamps to shades, which is crazy. Tell everyone today what came in the post. How many lamps came in the post? Two. Two lamps. How many shades came in the post? Three lamps came in the post two two lamps yeah how many shades came in the post three shades maniac why would you do that we've now got another surplus

shade to go somewhere no because i put it on a different lamp and i swapped the shade and where did the shade from that one go then we've got a spare shade oh another spare another spare fucking shade she says christ alive around chris oh i'm sorry do you wear the same shirt every day do you eh don't be how how can you how can you

put a comparison between a lampshade and a shirt changing it's top man your lamp's fucking sweating are they Christ alive no it's just a nice little change

for God they're not that expensive so chill you out that is the one thing you know you know you could be buying bloody

going daft getting bloody Chanel handbags getting bloody chanel handbags and bloody christian dior tampons or whatever is you people buy wow i mean really really you want to go there you want to mention tampons designer tampons diaphragms or whatever he is by what do you buy gussets and corsets i wonder that's something interesting you know really, billionaires. Yeah. I wonder what kind of tampons they use.

I wonder if there is designer tampons. What, a 20s? Oh, no, they're not paper anymore. They're plastic now. Oh, it's the other one in soak. Oh, my word. What kind of tampons do really rich people use? That's interesting, isn't it?

Oh, I wonder if they just use normal but then they wrap you know the string in like gold chain or something like a bath plug like the dog tags

of a US army veteran just jangling around in between their legs that is awful so there you go well he's still paying tax on something yeah fair play fair play

now guys honestly I don't even know what episode it is I'll find out afterwards I haven't got a clue me head's boxed I think it's 129 but I don't want to commit to it

but listen without any further ado listen Rosie look me in the eye now do you want to be able to afford them designer tampons we haven't got time for a sponsor do you want to be able to afford them designer tampons we haven't got time for a sponsor do you want to be able

to afford them designer tampons because we've got a sponsor coming right your way I wouldn't I wouldn't waste me money on designer

tampons hey guys gigs are back comedy's back the world's open up we're all getting back to normal again thank fuck

no sorry about that still a little bit a little bit of what is it a little bit of rain in the rain cloud not silver lining

the other bit still a bit of shitness to come right because guess what weddings are coming back right good this week's sponsor is getting put on the shit table

at a wedding oh hey want to know where you stand in someone's social circle wait till that table plan because you might be on the shit table

at the wedding oh we're away on this board oh you're at the bottom there. Table 19. You're next to the toilet on a table with four single people and a couple that met on holiday in 1997.

And the DJ, who's allowed a meal before he plays tonight. The shit table at the wedding. One from the kids' table right next to the toilet. Did we have a shit table? I don't think we did, you know.

I think we just deleted the full shit table and then told people they couldn't come a shit table I don't think we did you know I think we just deleted the full shit table and told people they couldn't come maybe I can't remember genuinely cards on the table

I have absolutely no problem with people who put people on shit tables at weddings or who just don't invite you to the daytime because it's absolutely horrendous I remember I had a friend

I had a friend who was like can't believe I'm not coming to your daytime do and I was like are you joking I was like do you know how fucking hard it is and then he got married

and he literally texted going I'm really sorry he was like I'm really really sorry your daytime due. And I was like, are you joking? I was like, do you know how fucking hard it is? And then he got married and he literally texted going, I'm really sorry. He was like, I'm really, really sorry. It's hell on earth. It is, it's awful. Well, I've told, I've said this before. My friend put it perfectly.

She was like, if they turned up at your door, would you give them a hundred quid? Yeah, right. Or however much the table is, yeah. Well, that's normally how much it is per head. I mean, it's crazy expensive at weddings, yeah. And I was like, that's actually really interesting. Yeah. Because no...

Is that why there was no one at our wedding? That's why there was three people there. Just a table of lamps and a little designer tampon. A little tampon chain. Would have been lovely. Right. God damn it, play that jingle. I'm sweating.

Honestly, I've had a horrible time so far. Calm down. Here's the jingle. Oh, lie me down. We had a fight about that jingle. I'm sweating. Honestly, I've had a horrible time so far. Calm down, here's a jingle. Oh, lie me down. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, Hello and welcome back to this week's... Oh my god, it's all falling apart. Hey, don't even joke, that's terrible.

That's terrible. Episode 129, what happened there? You choked, didn't you? But it's episode 129. Everything's falling apart. No, do you know what the problem is, Chris? I've got a really tickly cough, but in 20 20 you're not allowed to have a tick do i have to get the shotgun from the shed and put you down you're telling me you've got a cough i'm not leaving that i've done covid tests i've done one every day but i haven't got covid i actually did did one to you last night

while watching the telly i was like i was romantic wasn't it it was really nice but I've just got to take the cough because other things still exist yeah yeah yeah but I don't want to go anywhere because if you cough it's like

oh that's it yeah death state I'll take you out of the field and I'll put you down put you out of pasture it's really dark is that what that means I don't know

put you out of pasture what does that mean I don't know is that just where they go and eat it doesn't mean they kill them well yeah

well I don't know I just said it here's a better one I'll take you Is that just where they go and eat? It doesn't mean they kill them. Well, I don't know. I just said it. Here's a better one. I'll take you to that farm where we take all the animals when they were getting old. I'll take that little farm in the sky.

I mean, we didn't actually have that many pets when we were younger but my mum and dad never lied about them dying. They just said, oh, they've died.

Oh yeah, no. My mum said she hated the hamster because it used to escape all the time. We had a white hamster with red eyes, albino, called Henrietta. Nice. And it escaped constantly to escape all the time we had a white hamster with red eyes albino called Henrietta nice

and it escaped constantly yeah we had this old cage that I got hand me down off my cousin and it would push the top off the cage it would be like

full on fucking bench press we used to have to put yellow pages on top of it wow and it got under the shower it got behind the fire

I've said all along pets that are just trying to fucking escape are not pets just let them go. They don't want to be, hamsters do not want to live in your house.

They don't want to be in your hand. They don't want to be there, they don't want to be held, they don't want to cuddle, they're terrified of you. Don't get them. I don't think they should be pets. I really don't.

Oh, don't, because the fucking National Hamster Brigade will be all over us. They'll be buzzing, they don't want them as pets. I need a cough. Killer.

Where's me going? Goodness me. Interestingly enough, guys, the podcast wasn't working. Turned the computer off and on again. The IT crowd, they had that spot on. That's all you've got to do, isn't it? Off and on.

Bang. Sorted. Hopefully. It's too technical now, man. There we go. Listen, speaking of pets. Oh, my word. Yeah.

We've got pets. We've got pets now. Shit. We've got pets. We've got five pets. Eh? pets now. Shit. We've got pets. We've got five pets. Eh? Five pets. Three fish.

Three? Oh. Two snails. Oh, the snails that you bought in the tank. Yeah, because I'm an aquarium guy now. Oh, don't. Don't, honestly. That's what I do. Right, okay.

I'm an aquarium guy now, guys. Just in case you want to, you know. If you want to do any tips about keeping your tank clean or, you know, filtering or gravel or, you know, anything. How much food to give them. The kind of fish you want, air pumps. I'm just an aquarium guy now, it's what I do. If you've been listening to this podcast for a while, you'll know Chris is, you're a total loser, aren't you? Yeah. Really.

And when he gets his teeth into something, he really goes a bit crazy. So we said a while, we talked about fish why did we oh we tried to get a fish last year the guy was like you've got to buy the tank and then come back in a week do you ever want to get on a whim well i'm not yeah and i'm not well i think it's to stop people get them on a whim but i'm not i'm not a heartless guy but when the bloke was like oh you need to keep the water you need to make sure the water's okay otherwise they'll only last five years instead of 15 i was like fucking 15 Jesus Christ, the never-ending goldfish. I'm sorry.

Amari's for a fish for 15 years. Hey, listen, don't you dare, because I'm going to look after them. They were my children downstairs. But yeah, so we went to the pet shop. We were in there for a lifetime. Can you remember the last thing you said? It was before I went to the pet shop.

I walked in with Robin. You grabbed me hand as I was getting out of the car, because you were sitting in the car and we were asleep. Can you remember your last thing you said? It was before I went in the pet shop. No. I walked in with Robin. You grabbed me hand as I was getting out of the car because you were sitting in the car and Rafe was asleep. Can you remember your exact words? Because I remember them. No, what did I say? Don't go mental.

Yeah. What did I do? You went absolutely mental. I went absolutely mental. You let Robin go mental, which is not good either. Yeah, we both went absolutely ballistic. So basically, right,

we were looking at really small tanks, really lovely little... Hang on, you FaceTimed me. Yes. It's a smaller tank than what you bought? Well, I showed you the small tank and I went, isn't that great? And you went, yeah. And we talked through it on the FaceTime and you went, that's fantastic.

And what were your last words on that phone call? I don't know why you remembered everything I said, you psycho. Because, Exhibit A, Judge, I remember the exact words you said. Your last words were, and I quote, it's going in your office anyway Chris so I don't care yeah red rag rubble

went mental didn't I went literally I was standing far left of the aisle at the smallest one I put that one down I turned right I went all the way

to the right side of the aisle and the prices went up and up and up I got the one right at the end I went I love that hang on hang on what

how much was it well right the one you facetimed me I was shocked because that was £110 right not too much more actually

but can you put a price on a child's joy and the learning yes no you absolutely can it was £160 £160 yes

for the tank but it's got lights in it and it's got a heater and it's got a filter why's it got a heater? They live in the sea. They're tropical fish, you heartless bitch.

They're tropical. Oh, they're warm sea. What do you think, I'm getting fucking cod from the North Sea. I didn't, nah. Crabs from the Shields Beach. I mean, back in the day,

that's what you could have done. Tell you what, honestly. So hang on, how much were the fish? Surprisingly cheap, the fish. How much? About five quid each Or something like that

But I got a five pound off voucher So I got one of them for now Did you? One of them's a fucking freeloader in there Oh that's That's like That's a bit sad isn't it? What?

Money off When you buy stuff Like living things I don't know how I feel about that You get half a dog For free No It's like buy this dog And get it's brother I don't know how I feel about that. You get half a dog for free. No.

It's like, buy this dog and get its brother. 20% off. I know what you mean. I don't like it. I don't know why. It's a bit heartless, giving freebies on live animals. But yeah, so we've got to... I can't remember the name of two of them.

Bubblegum, Candy. I don't know what fucking names the kid gave them. I don't know what Robin gave them. I've got I can't remember the name of two of them bubblegum candy I can't remember the fucking names the kid gave them what Robin gave them I've got two I can't remember what they're called

something they're quite placid and then I've got a Japanese fighting fish you're such honestly you are such a sad old no because

they can't see your face the grin on your face you are such a loser I'm buzzing I tell everyone now I'm sorry but he's great so he's called Bubbles he's red I sometimes think you're fit and then you do stuff like this and I'm like oh you're such a loser i tell everyone i'm sorry but he's great so he's called bubbles i

sometimes think you're fit and then you do stuff like this and i'm like oh you're such a fucking sad sometimes think you're fit no but you are sometimes and you look handsome and that and you know and whatever but then when you when you name a fish you're bored and you're grinning like a cheshire cat it's the it's just rank it I go, yeah, you know he's a geek. He's a total geek. Can we talk about the other day when you thought I was cheating on you? Yes.

So we were in the living room the other day, finished watching the TV and we walked through. I walked through the kitchen and you went to turn off the lamps. So the lamp that's near the window. I said, went to say goodnight to me.

Little lamps. You went to say goodnight to your lamps. Pathetic. Now, you looked out of the window, and it's like a beer window, so you can see over to the right, and you saw me in the kitchen bit, which is all the glass that looks over the back garden.

You saw me there on me phone just before going to bed, standing right up at the glass with me sort of back to you almost, slyly just on me phone right next to the window, didn't you? Yeah. And your heart sank. Well, I mean... Because obviously, you know, I've been on me bike and stuff. Sorry to interrupt you, but, you know, slyly just on my phone right next to the window, didn't you? Yeah. And your heart sank. Well, I mean...

Because obviously, you know, I've been on my bike and stuff. Sorry to interrupt you, but I've been on my bike, got a bit of a tan, lost a bit of weight, nice short hair now. I'm a bit of all right,

let's be honest. I'm a fish. I mean, what's not to love? Hey, Aquaman, he's lush. I'm lush as well. I'm joking, right? But you say, you've got this thing

where you said I've got a bit handsome, which I don't really believe, but you've said that. I'm going to stop saying it because you seem to think it. So I just saw you and you looked really suspicious. Yeah. Or just, it was just very much, you were like right at the glass. Yeah.

And I was like, why is he stood there texting? And you couldn't see me. So I stood and watched it and I was like, oh. And you do, for a minute I was getting, oh my gosh, is he like texting someone slyly because you never you always just leave

your phone everywhere and you're just on it and it doesn't matter and you never like whatever I mean for a laugh which I do love seeing when you pick my phone up

or when you go can I send myself that photo I do love to shout every time don't read me messages every time especially when other people are here like I've got time

to do that so yeah there was a moment and then i just kept watching you and then i realized what you were doing yeah so you weren't texting somebody no having an affair no you were you remembered who you married yeah yeah you were putting our new robotic lawnmower back to bed i was i was parking him up for the night yeah actually yeah and i was making sure that when he comes back out in the middle of the night

his headlights were on yeah so and then that's who you married that's who I married then I was like no Rosie

you didn't marry that man you married the man who cares more about his robotic lawnmower yeah than he does about having an affair that night

I tucked my robotic lawnmower in and I don't think I tucked both my children in so no you didn't actually tell them all about me but listen the reason I respect Bubbles the japanese fighting fish so much talking about the fish again this is why i respect him so much right you can only get one the guy in the shop

was like he's called ed who's another guy shout out ed um he said you can only get one of these kind of fish per tank because they're literally japanese fighting fish so they'll just they'll just kill each other so he's like you can only get one per tank but what happens is you buy one and you end up buying another tank to put another one in so you've got that coming in your future

why would we do that? because you want another Japanese fighting fish you can't put them in the same tank well what if I want another one what if I see a really nice one

do you know the Japanese fighting fish is the one he's on Nemo is he? he's got the scars all over his face he's in the tank

of the dentist right yeah that's what they look like but this is why I respect him right because he's a little bastard literally i've never in my life encountered a fish that is sort of intrinsically an arsehole and a bit of a cunt and this fish is and i'll tell you why yeah not only can you not put them in the tank with another fish of the same kind because

you'll fight it the guy said it was in the shop might be winders up he said you can't put it in the tank with any other fish that are prettier than it or more flamboyantly beautiful than it because it'll get threatened and it'll fuck them up as well. Shut up. It's a jealous wanker. Oh, no, I don't. Why have we got that? I really respect him.

I don't want him. Listen, he lives in your house now. Oh, I feel all dirty. I did get him for half price. Did you? Yeah. Don't tell him. He'll fucking knock you out

jump out and start beating up the bears it's time for what's your beef? what's your beef? beef, beef, beef, beef, beef okay ladies first or gentlemen first well you just said before we started this segment

I think you're going to enjoy this but you might be really mad so I'm come on you want more? okay I'm intrigued okay then alright okay so you're ready think you're going to enjoy this but you might be really mad so come on. I'm intrigued. Okay then. So you're ready for my beef. My beef is coming first. My beef with you this week Rosie is

obviously we've got two children now. We've got a lot of work going on. I've got two children. We're still unsure of the father if I'm honest. Great banter. Great banter. Well done. It's really funny. Dick. honest great great great great banter great banter um well done um dick now uh obviously earlier on in the podcast uh when you slagged us off for not being able to record it properly you turned around and went you want me to take over that as well i just remember when

you said that earlier on you want me to take over that as well um and just recently like just you know different things you were getting all the questions at as well um and just recently like just you know different things you were getting all the questions at one point for this and you've just started sort of basically giving it large that you just do everything around here and i do nothing true story yeah you basically just think i'm just on a holiday doing nothing and i wouldn't say that but you think i do fuck all and you do everything and you know we're busy rave still wakes up in the night and you wake up anyway if i'm getting up with them so you might as well just wake up but you take offence at that as well. So you're basically

just playing a bit of a martyr thinking that you do everything. Okay, so it's time for Rosie's Our House Quiz. Five questions. Are you ready, Rosie? Rosie who does everything around our house are you ready for Rosie's Our House Quiz? I never said I do everything. Rosie who claims to do

everything and Chris does nothing, are you ready for the quiz Our House quiz? I never said I do everything on that. Rosie who claims to do everything and Chris does nothing. Are you ready for the quiz? Yes. Question one. Who is our electricity supplier? Octopus. Bang. Okay, fair enough.

That's upsetting. In your face. Question two. Who is our insurance provider? Insureyourhouse.com. Brilliant. No, hang on. No, no.

Halifax? Nope. Insurance. The dog? One. insureyourhouse.com brilliant no hang on no no Halifax nope insurance the dog one I don't know okay no idea who the insurance is

who is our oil supplier we've got an oil heater because they've dropped the oil off oh they've got a funny name no it's something it's just oil

oilenergy.com or something it is what is it called the oil shop yeah we just go just go to the oil shop you just go to the oil shop

what's it called give them a little shout out boiler juice right I knew it was something like that yeah you didn't fucking know did you right whatever

so so far right the electricity's on because we just no the electricity's on because we did that recently but we're all fucking freezing and nothing's insured right

because you haven't done either of them yeah so far all I've you've oh it takes one day to set this up and then it just comes out of your bank no no no on because we did that recently but we're all fucking freezing and nothing's ensured. Right? Because you haven't done either of them in this quiz. It takes one day to set this up and then it just comes out of your bank. No, no, no.

No, no, no. Right, come on then. Who was our water supplier? Northumbrian water. That's too easy. Okay, fair enough. Moron. When is our TV licence due?

Right, okay. So all we've established is that you pay the bills. Oh, we're not watching the telly, you know. We're not watching the telly, you know. We're not watching the telly, you know. We're sitting freezing cold. There's no telly on.

And it's, careful, careful, because nothing's insured. Oh, I didn't, Matt. There we go. I didn't, I don't pay, the bills don't come out of my account. Can you, hold on, can you hear this? Can you hear this? Listen, listen. Did you hear that?

What's that? That was me resting my case. Well, well done. What's your fucking beef? Great. case well well done what's your fucking beef great great well done what goes into Rafe's food erm

nutrients protein what am I currently what's Rafe's diet at the moment er well last night I gave him a garlic bread special

great garlic bread special from Gills big up er I never said that you don't do anything you implied it

but listen don't you worry about it well done for setting up the bills well done don't shout too loud at that mate you haven't ensured it right come on

well my beef seems really crap now can't tell you that that was quite bad no listen my beef with you this week is we are currently

doing we're rehearsing for our tour getting it all together we've got different names for stuff which really pisses me off because I call it rehearsals

you call it like production prep and we're just in different worlds you're in comedy world I'm still in like theatre world yeah but no

because yesterday you put a thing on Instagram and you put a photo of us and we're producer and we're tour managers like sort of

everyone who's sort of helping you know put the glitz and glam because the thing is that sounds like we're not doing anything we are doing all of the prep for the tour

but the thing is if the tour managers and the producers aren't there we'll come in with things like can Rosie fly in from the ceiling on wires with fireworks

out of her arse or we would turn up on stage and there'd be no set yeah yeah yeah so we'd be like but the amount of times they've had to rein us in and go do you know

that will be a million pound a day and we go yeah okay we'll not do that then like well you gotta pay you gotta pay for songs and shit for everything it's mad yeah but the basic you put the thing on instagram yesterday saying our rehearsals you put a little video saying i'll bring your baby to rehearsals and you called it rehearsals and all it was was four people sitting on laptops and i was like you can't call that rehearsals that's that's like the football i go and we're doing training and he's just sitting eating a burger

like do you know what I mean speaking of the rehearsals or whatever you call it your so obviously we are going on tour in September

yes and then you are on tour in September and October and November and just all of the months I'm just all your own tour yeah

because yeah thanks COVID we're working with the same like tour manager Rhys and everyone and Paul they work on yours and mine

and ours sorry your tour keeps bleeding in our tour and you keep having little meetings about your tour

in our rehearsal space and I'm honestly I'm putting my foot down wow listen do you want to hear me put my foot down

listen put my foot down pack listen do you want to hear me put my foot down listen put my foot down pack it in that was actually we are not talking about the Chris Ramsey show on our time because I might as well not be there

that was such a slipper you just put a slipper on a desk all right okay so yeah yes well yesterday do you know what it is right I apologize me me

to a manager and well both me to a managers are far too excited to see each other again because it's been 18 months far too excited to see each other again because it's been 18 months and we haven't seen each other so yes

you have got the brunt of a lot of basically little boy giddiness yesterdays we're talking about your LED lights I was like I don't give a

shit about Chris's LED lights I give a shit about the smart tour not your tour you've got your own time for that stop bringing it in this is a business

chat guys you are part of a business chat of the Ram household yeah so anyway pack it in watch the apprentice she's that's how she's learned to talk that's why she's being such a dick they are a bit dickish on the apprentice aren't they oh yeah i'll tell you carl just calls it dicks carl justin just calls it dicks he's like oh did you watch dicks last night i was like what so are the apprentices back on so do you just call it dicks. Carl just calls it dicks. He was like, oh, did you watch dicks last night? I was like, what? He's like, oh, The Apprentice is back on. I was like, oh, did you just call it dicks? He's like, yeah, I just called it dicks.

They'll not be like that in real life, though. I know someone who's on The Apprentice and she's nothing. She's not a dick. She's lovely. The last from Sunderland, yeah, yeah. Yeah, Katie, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's lovely.

Yeah, but then again, let's not forget, Katie Hopkins, she was discovered on The Apprentice, wasn't she? Is that where Katie Hopkins comes from? She's a certain kind of prick. Okay, well. let's be honest here let's not go there I think your mate

is the exception of the rule there's probably others as well it's time for questions from the public public

guys as always if you want to get in touch at chadmardinoid at gmail.com please continue to send all of your lovely

juicy gross hilarious manky and shocking things at maridanoid at gmail.com. Please continue to send all of your lovely, lovely, juicy, juicy, gross, hilarious, manky, and shocking things. Sometimes they're nice as well. Sometimes they're bloody lovely. Sometimes they're... Listen, it doesn't have to be disgusting.

It can range from silly to interesting to disgusting. It can be all of them things. A heartwarming... Stay away from really sad because, you know, we don't want to make really, really sad.

I recently asked my Instagram followers because I'm currently collating questions from the public for the tour yeah still tickets available in december if you'd like to come yeah and i was asking what people want and i was like do you want filth yeah or do you want got like gossipy like nice yeah not nice but interesting stories like juicy gossip and everyone said a bit of both that's great so it was really helpful actually but listen we're going to start off with

something a bit mangy are we now or are you leading the dance here because we've got some questions each we came up with a new system this week

because we're so busy you've got some as well you've got some and I've got some so we've got a handful of questions each well I've got one here okay cool

so I've been going right back take a back now y'all take a back now y'all in the archives like skipping right back to the beginning so this one

is um it's not it's not right at the beginning but it's a little while ago hi please keep me anonymous yes i have recently listened to your most recent podcast episode booking mad wow and it was quite a while ago and the story of the gross man who slept with a sweaty sock between his arse reminded me yes of some colleagues of mine. Brilliant. Shout out to the colleagues who are reminding people who are sparking memory from that story. A few years ago I worked in a very busy

gruelling restaurant where the teams would work extremely long hours. I mean that's almost every restaurant but okay. Horrible work. Shout out to all service staff out there. Good God. I have never worked's almost every restaurant, but okay. Horrible work. Shout out to all service staff out there. Good God. I have never worked in a restaurant. No?

Restaurant. Restaurant. I've worked in bars, which was horrific. Yeah. People click at you. People used to click at us. Click your fingers. I'd be like, I'll rip that hand off if you click at me again, sir. See, I had to stop my clicking because sometimes I click because I'm excited.

I'll go like, oh, yeah, and I'll click. And then sometimes people look at you as if they think that, and I go, oh, that has to stop my clicking because sometimes I click because I'm excited I'll go like oh yeah and I'll click and then sometimes people look at you as if they think that and I go oh that has to stop Christopher? No I mean in conversation

with people I'll never click a waiter I mean in conversation with people yeah I'll be like oh shit yeah and someone will look and I'll go

no I was doing that because I'm excited I'll stop doing that well that's no I'm talking about when I worked behind the bar and it was busy and people would be

literally clicking at it like that from the other side of the bar and I'd be like you are getting ignored and I'd tell all my friends behind the bar ignore that

dick I did I work with Catherine Murphy my best friend I've worked obviously being a waiter in different restaurants and stuff

I've worked I think yeah I've worked behind bar I've worked waiter and I've worked in kitchens I've done all three levels of that and it's all solid so big shout out

yeah it's intense. Yeah. So, anyway, listen. They're working extremely long hours. Grueling teams, yeah. Now, it's very common for the kitchen team to experience something called chef's arse. Wow. Didn't know.

Didn't know it had a name. Is that on the menu? Is that on the specials? Does the chef's arse come to veg? How is the chef's arse today? Can I just, how is the chef's arse? Compliments to the chef on his arse. It's got in brackets here.

Chafing of the arse crack due to hot temperature and long shift. Yes! Is that a thing? Me and my, oh my God. So me and my mate, Hoagie, right, Adam Hogarth, we used to work at the Stadium of Light, right? And we used to walk around all day, so we were service staff, but sometimes it would be the, you'd have to get in early, and it would be prepping for the match then there'd be a match

and then after the match there'd be sometimes a wedding on the night so sometimes you would do that like super shift on a saturday you came in at like nine in the morning you went at like 11 at night it was mental and we used to that's probably illegal yeah yeah but it was just overtime on it which you didn't get paid for anyway that's another story so basically you would walk around all day and me and him we always used to go

oh my god my arse is in tatters it would be like me arse is in tatters so we had one day where it was particularly hot and we'd walk around the whole

I can't believe I forgot this particularly hot we'd walk around the whole day he was in his section I was in my section and we both had to do

this wedding together and I was like mate I was like I'm actually like I think me arse might be bleeding it's hurting that much it feels like the sandpaper in my arse crack like i'm chafing that much right and what happened was they put a they put a massive uh a big long sort of like a big long viking table out of buffet for the wedding

and me and hoagie had to stand and serve people as they came past and what the big massive chafing dishes were on hot trays so imagine yeah just imagine like a big soul it looked like a big solar panel but it was boiling hot and you had the trays on to keep the steam comes off yeah yeah so no not the water ones they were like they looked like plastic solar panel things but they were electric and you plugged them in and they were like hot like a hot genuinely a big hot thing so imagine the table's 20 foot long and he's on one bit and i'm on the other and we're serving and people are coming up and we're going oh you know potato wedges or whatever and we're

serving them and so the heat's all coming up making it really hot then when loads of the stuff got eaten the length of the food on the table decreased so now it's a 20 foot table and just the middle 10 foot has got food on the hot plates from the side were taken off and lent against the wall behind us facing us so the chafed arses were just heated up by the thing and i remember um the paul was the name of the supervisor and he kept walking past and we were standing like either end of the table away from the things because our arses were just on fire and he kept coming go stand back in the middle so people know the food's ready and we couldn't go mate like it's burning my arse like me arse is so did they not turn them off well yeah but you turned them off but you know like a while yeah we've got an electric

hob it's still got that little h flashes up to say look it's off but don't touch it because it's fucking boiling still oh god honestly like chafed arse off all day i don't think i've ever had a chafed horrible it was like going on a sunbed in a uniform with a chafed arse off all day. I don't think I've ever had a chafed arse, Greg. Horrible. It was like going on a sunbed in a uniform with a chafed arse. It was awful. Well, do you want to hear how these rectify it? I absolutely do. So.

I mean, you're 15 years too late, but yeah, what's your remedy? It was an extremely hot and busy summer and chef's arse was rife. In their restaurant. I feel your pain so much. Our wonderful kitchen team came up with a solution. Right. They would ask the female staff for tampons and shove them between their arse cheeks

throughout the service. This was known as the man pond. Wow. So they'd get tampons and hoi them between their arse cracks. Wow. Would that work? Would that help?

It'll stop the itching. I don't know if it would help because I don't even know what was causing the chaffage because I always imagine sweat lubricates. I don't know what it is. But a tampon's like

a bit of cotton. It's like cotton wool. But these are all... But my problem is now that they're all putting tampons up their arse. They're not serving food to people. No, they're not putting them up.

They're wedging them in. They're not going up the bum hole. They're still fiddling on with their arse cracks and now they're serving food to people they're not going up they're not going up the bum hole they're still fiddling on with their arse cracks and now they're serving food to people well fingers crossed they'll bloody wipe

their hands but then you know if 2020's anything they go back people didn't wash their hands this is probably where it all started when was this email from

I don't know do you know what's hilarious though I don't know why people do this she's signed off obviously wants to keep an eye on us

with her phone number her name and her phone number I don't know people love people love people having their phone numbers i hate giving people my phone number honestly i don't think i've given my real phone number to someone for over a year now no there's always a digit wrong yeah yeah shocking you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,

followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care.

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on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com something i never thought i'd say on this podcast i mean i've said a lot of things i never thought

belly button update on who so so a couple of weeks ago or maybe even last week I can't remember I'm not freaking busy we did a story about someone who said that unbiblical unbiblical cord

oh my word I still can't say it still getting it wrong un um sorry umbilical umbilical cord

yeah did I do it? umbilical it's um I think umbilical said that the umbilical cord was unbiblical

so what the hell's the matter with you said that the umbilical cord was... Unbiblical. That's not what that was about, was it? Said that the um... The belly button cord... It's horrible. This is horrible. I found me kryptonite. What if I have to say it on state? What if I have to say it

when I'm hosting something these days on telly? That thing that comes out the belly button, they said that it was stuck in there, right? Yes. So someone's come in here with belly button update. Hi, I love the show and can't wait to see you on tour i heard this week's show and the story about the pregnant lady and her umbilical that's right i can say it when i read it well done cord i used to work on a ward in a hospital where we used to get lots of old deers with the same black minging thing in their belly buttons it isn't umbil cord. It is a build-up of dead skin, muck and oils.

I understand why she might think that that's what it was. We used to remove them by soaking in olive oil to soften before removing with tweezers. We had some whoppers and kept them in specimen pots. They can be smelly and sometimes come out like huge blackheads with roots what if you don't give your belly button a really good clean it can build up we used to call them a muck plug the medical term is navel stone google it keep your belly buttons clean wow how

deep's your belly button got some people got really deep belly buttons some people got really deep ah crazy yeah not seen the matrix man to be? Some people have got really deep belly buttons. Really? Oh, crazy, yeah. You've not seen The Matrix, man, where the thing crawls, and people have got really deep belly buttons like that. The Matrix is a film about when they put plugs in that, in your belly button. You can't use that as a frame of reference to navel stones.

They got the idea from somewhere. You're telling me that people who wrote The Matrix didn't go, well, you could fit a bloody thing in his belly button. Hold on, I've got an idea for a film. I'm going home. And they went home and wrote it. There you go, that's you could fit a bloody thing in his belly button. Hold on, I've got an idea for a film. I'm going home. And they went home and wrote it. There you go. That's where it came from. You know what I love?

I love the idea that someone has listened to this podcast and went, oh, I just heard that story about someone saying that their umbilical cord is there. I need to email in and tell the world that that's not the case. They're just a dirty sod. Like this person.

Where's me laptop? Someone's claiming it's a medical problem and they're actually just a fucking scrub I was gonna say I love our listeners I love you all so much I really

it's like the email equivalent have you ever been in a pub and someone's been having a conversation someone on another table is like god I just heard you saying that that's actually wrong

and they've like jumped into someone's conversation some people just can't stand like other people having an opinion or being wrong i got i got an email a lot long ago about um you know how i talked ages ago about when i held my friend's tongue when she was sick yeah and somebody and somebody emailed in it was it was really aggressive actually and i didn't read it out because it was too aggressive but it was like you know you can't swallow your tongue it doesn't happen and I was like

alright I was like 15 like what do you want us to go back to me 15 year old self and not hold me friend's tongue I thought I was doing her a favour you can't swallow your tongue

well this person reckons you can't really if you're being sick I think it's Google time you can't swallow your tongue I think it's Google time because that's what I was worried about. I thought she was going

to swallow her tongue. I mean, she probably would have, what's it called, choked on her own vomit before she swallowed her tongue, but you know. I've left the caps lock on

so Google thinks I'm shouting at it. Can you swallow your own? Can you swallow your tongue? Sorry, Google Labs. I'm very excited. Ooh, it is not possible

to swallow the tongue. Bodily tissue firmly connects the tongue to the mouth, which prevents people from accidentally swallowing it. It is a common myth that a person can swallow their tongue during a seizure or while asleep or if they become unconscious. Ah, there you go. But what website's that from?

I don't know. Medical News Today. Probably the person who... No, there's loads of it. Why it's impossible. Yeah, apparently it's impossible. Great. I'm so glad we all know that.

Wow. But the thing, my thing is, I didn't need to know because if it's impossible yeah apparently it's impossible great i'm so glad we all know that but but the thing my my thing is i didn't need to know because if it's impossible to do it then what does it matter you just had your finger on our tongue didn't just touch that tongue we're good friends bit intrusive so if you in future stop grabbing people's tongue you fucking pervert man all right no no come on i'm glad we're getting the bottom of this. What are you, a thief? What's the other thing you've done? You've done something else. What's all the crimes you've done?

You need to add them up. Crimes? Thief of the bag, something else, and now you're a tongue grabber. Stop it. Pervert? I think this is. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

Hello, Rosie and Chris. Listener since the beginning here, and really enjoying the recent medical stories, so I thought I'd send you my own. Oh, get in. As a first-year student mid midwife we learned at university how to insert catheters and after watching it done in practice a few times i felt confident that i could do it i was caring for a lady who decided to have an epidural and therefore needed to insert a catheter as she would soon lose the sensation of her legs oh i didn't know well that's why you get one right yeah because you

lose the sensation yeah waist down so you lose I didn't know. Well, that's why you get one. Right. Yeah, because you lose the sensation when you waist down, so you lose control of your bladder, and I think that's it. Oh, God bless the epidural. I mean, I've never, I've not had a natural birth, but this is what I don't understand, right?

Why doesn't everyone just get an epidural? Oh, you can't, yeah. Yeah, you can't really comment on it, though, because you're a bloke, and you never go through it. I'm a woman. I've got a vagina. I've got two children. I've got two children.

I'm allowed to comment. That's my personal opinion. Give everyone a fucking epidural. Why go through pain? You haven't seen it for a while. I haven't seen it for that long. It's quite an existence. But it's still there.

Honestly, it's still there. It still works. Still. Hidden away. Tucked in. Like a little peach. Do you know what an epidural is? hidden away tucked in like a little peach do you know what an epidural is? yeah it's the thing in the spine isn't it?

yeah yeah yeah it means that it's like not horrifically painful again I've said it a million times it's like I don't

I'm a man so I can't I don't like pain I don't like pain in any way shape or form well who does? as I've always said if me and you got together and I had to have the kids and you went, let's have a family, I'd go, absolutely not.

We're not having a family. We're dying alone because that'll hurt like fuck. Yeah, it's horrible. So, you know, back in the day when obviously there wasn't much painkillers and all that kind of stuff and they didn't have the means, that's why they went through horrific pain. But now, you know, medicine's really come on.

There's things that can do. So nowadays, if you've got a headache, what do you do? Yeah. Take a paracetamol. Oh, paracet come on. Yeah. There's things that can, that can do. So nowadays, if you've got a headache, what do you do? Yeah. Take a paracetamol. Oh, paracetamol. Sorry.

So I'm just like, my legs are numb and my head's still fucking killing. Honestly, give me the drugs. I want a, I want a natural birth. Right.

That's great. But you're just going to be in agony and you're going to ask for them anyway. So you might as well just go in open-minded and go, you know what? That's what I did with Robin. Yeah.

I went in very much. I was like, look if I can do it, it's crack on, but I'm very, I said this to my wife. I was like, if it's available

and I'm in pain, I would like it please. Yeah. So I got diamorphine. Yeah. Best thing in the world. Off your tits. Made no sense whatsoever.

Oh God, it was so good. Yeah. But then I got sliced open. So that was fun. Yeah, it was an all-around horrible day. It was really. that was fun yeah it was an all round horrible day it was really

it was nearly two days Chris absolutely horrible day not great anyway crack on gotta be honest with you this next part of the email gets a little bit scientific

yeah I got all set up and went ahead separating the labia and inserting the numbing gel into her urethra I started to insert the catheter but it wasn't going anywhere.

I tried a few times, then made eye contact with my midwife mentor. She leant down and whispered, Try a bit lower. This is when I realised that I'd been prodding the catheter into her clitoris. Great. I mean, it's a fucking labyrinth down there. They're not far apart. How many... Greedy women.

How many things do you want right on the same bit what do you mean it's like a fucking it's like a car that's been modified too much there's loads going on down there it's like a labyrinth it's craziness all right but we're complex little characters do you know you see someone who's got a phone and you guys you see their iphone and it's an iphone and it's got a case on it's got a pop socket on the back then it's got a bit where you put the credit cards in and then it's got a power on. It's got a pop socket on the back. Then it's got a bit where you put the credit cards in. And then it's got a power pack. And then you go, fucking how many bits of shit have you got on there? Same as you. The vagina of phones.

Honestly, it's like a fucking Rubik's Cube. There's about five doors down there. What's going on? Up, left, careful, right. There's no doors. There's openings. There's absolutely no doors. There's secret passageways.

There's openings. There's revolving doors. Hang on. Ventilation shafts. There's the clitoris, which's fucking secret passageways. There's openings, there's revolving doors. Oh, no, there's not. Hang on. Ventilation shafts. There's the clitoris, which is like the little bowl. Yeah. Yeah. You're yet to find that.

One day. One day. It's got a little hood. So there's the hood, there's the clitoris. Oh, there we go. There's another bit added in. There's like the wee hole. Is that the urethra?

I'm guessing. So that's where your wee comes from. Brilliant. And then there's the, I just call it the tampon hole. So there's that one. That's where the babies come out of. Make a word, doctor.

Honestly, the first time you've got to put a tampon in and you've got to look down there. And it, because my mom told me to get a mirror and she was like, just have a look. And it was the first time

I'd ever seen it. And I was a bit like, you know, I was like, there's loads of holes. It's unbelievable. Honestly, it's unbelievable. It's like a thing on flash gordon where you got put their hands in all the different holes in the rock and then some extings them never seen it sorry great film you've lost us great film great analogy luckily the epidural had kicked in so the woman was none the wiser that is uh of course unless she noticed the utter embarrassment on my face. Thanks

to the anonymous, now qualified midwife who can insert a catheter just fine. There you go. Hey, look, it's all a learning curve. Well done. She had a little clit tickle, didn't she? She had a bloody lovely day. You're going to pay extra for that, eh? I never got a clit tickle.

You don't deserve a clit tickle. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I've been waiting to send this since the day it happened, but now feels a good time. Not sure why. During the first lockdown, I was furloughed. Lucky little basket. Honestly.

Honestly? Are we going to take a minute to talk about furlough? These people who've been furloughed, what a lovely bloody little time you've been having. I swear to God. Well, definitely the first one. I swear to Christ. Definitely the first one.

The first one, everyone was just euphoric. It's sunny. I'm paid. I'm in the garden drinking wine. I'll tell you what. No one's allowed to come round. Fucking sign me up, Boris. Come on.

Do you know what? You can go out for an hour. I'm all right. I'm all up, Boris. Come on. You can go out for an hour. I'm all right. I'm all right, mate. I'm a little bit jealous, but at the same time, people work very hard and you know what? Had a cheeky little full page.

I think we're specifically referring to a couple of friends of ours who were just buzzing with it. We're not saying that everyone felt we'd had a great time. I know people love their jobs and stuff and everyone's been affected differently we're just referring to a few people on our Instagrams who were just having barbecues

every day hang on a minute hang on a minute are we not allowed to laugh about any of it yet I don't know I don't know I don't know but I just do know that's I would we had to write a book with Robin in the house finish writing a book and keep doing the podcast every day while having you know multiple nervous breakdowns because of

what was going on and some people were just like I've completed Netflix! I've drank loads of wine! Look at me garden! Fuck yourselves. Checking the bank. Still being paid! I haven't gone on the train for a fucking year! This is class! Oh well, congratulations. I've personally

had a horrible time, but okay. Glad you've enjoyed yourself. Anyway, right. I've personally had a horrible time, but okay. Glad you've enjoyed yourself. Anyway, right. So during the first lockdown, I was furloughed. And doing F all. Great, great. There we go. You should have let...

We should have dove in on them after that sentence. So we sounded like we were being arseholes there. No, because we knew people who had been furloughed for the first six months did fuck all. Yeah, they did fuck all. I thought it was great. Anyway. Okay.

So, decided to download Tinder. As you do. What? At the moment, when we can't go anywhere or see anyone, they decided to download a date now? Well, because you can chat to people, though. You don't have to go anywhere. Yeah, I can't imagine the conversations very good on Tinder.

Go on, then. So, after talking to a boy for a while and decided to go on a socially distanced walk, oh, bomb. Right. It was all nice, although he did remind me a bit of my brother, but I hadn't ruled him out completely. Brilliant. Oh, bomb. What the hell's going on here?

Can you imagine? Met a lovely guy. What's he like? My brother. Although then again, you do say that I look like your brother now and then. No, right, okay. You slightly resemble, you've got the same colour hair, similar eyes and that, but you are nothing like him.

Like how he's been on the podcast. You're nothing alike. You are nothing alike. Right, okay. Do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's not like this now, but my brother... I suppose you didn't really notice that until later on.

It's not like you went on your first date and you were like, you look like my brother. No, it was very much later on. It was later on that you realised, yeah, okay. Okay. A few days later, there was a meteor shower so we plan to park our cars on a big hill ready to watch it that's kind of that is quite nice yeah safe to say we didn't see any shooting stars but we did sit with our windows rolled down with the

dominoes and a sketchy looking mocktail that he'd somehow obtained dominoes well hold on were you both touching the same dominoes without sanitising them? No Blood on your hands! Blood on your hands! Hope you sanitised them, dominoes Double Blanc, sanitise that Chris, people won't get this Because they're not in our house During the pandemic

When we've been kicking off So they went in separate cars And they've rolled the windows down So they can chat to each other My point is how they play dominoes They've ate dominoes is it weird that so we live

in the countryside now and we can't get dominoes delivered to the point of where you said dominoes and I'd forgot that there were a pizza place and I thought you meant the game do you think playing dominoes

that's why I said if you'd be sanitising the dominoes I thought they were playing dominoes I've lost my fucking mind I haven't had a dominoes for so long I forgot that there were a pizza place and I just remembered that there were a game

that old men played I thought they had a little camping table and they were hanging out the window playing No, Domino's is now a modern day reference of pizza Pizza, right, okay Wow Fucking hell, I think I'm dying

Are you okay? Oh God Well anyway, right so they've had a Domino's Yeah and they've they've gotten in separate cars but they've shared a dominoes yeah and they've they've gotten in separate cars but they've shared the dominoes right okay and they've eaten mocktails in fact

i'll be in a half and half because you're not allowed them no you're not as we were saying it was time to leave etc etc some very bright lights appeared behind us oh god it was a police van they accused us of dogging. Their reason... This is funny. Their reason being that my face was red and my hair was messy and, braggart, self-esteem hasn't returned since. Oh, fuck!

That's so good! That's fucking brutal can you imagine you've been dugging well haven't been dugging no you have you look like you look like

you've just been shagged a state of you a state of you love pizza all over your face hairs everywhere really haven't she said as well and they said

they could tell we'd just finished up and I'd quickly got changed again. Brilliant. They didn't believe there was a meteor shower at all and gave us both official police warnings for dogging. Wow. Full on charge of them.

The only reason they didn't arrest us was because there were already people in the back of the van that they'd caught in the act and I was mortified and completely ghosted by the boy afterwards. That's amazing. I know so they've actually got criminal records for dogging even though they hadn't done it. That's amazing. The next morning I had to explain to my parents what happened although they still to this day believe I was actually dogging. Fair enough. Me and the tinder boy that I ghosted for a few weeks now live together with two cats.

So not all bad has come from the day we got criminal records for dogging. Oh, from dogging to cats. Happy days. Dogging to cats. Isn't that bizarre, though? But all like, oh, they're coming to the tour. Can't wait to see you on tour. Oh, that's cool.

Oh, brilliant. They'll be the one outside in the car park with the steamed up windows. Huh? You fucking liarsars that's a nice little story for your wedding day though isn't it yeah it is quite nice

yeah it's lovely actually yeah oh yeah the police will have a none of that well that was when everyone went crazy

that was when police went mad with stuff when oh like don't sit on the bench and all that kind of shit wow

I remember when it first all happened and we were talking about social distance and not being able to go anywhere they interviewed a prostitute first all happened and they were talking about social distancing and not being able to go anywhere they interviewed a prostitute on the news

and they had her face blurred and they were going are you going to still keep working and she was going yeah and they were going well social distancing

she's got an illegal job she's got an illegal job you fucking moron I remember when there was blood on your hands

there was one of the footballers a Manchester I think it was an awful story it hands! There was one of the footballers, a Manchester... I think it was an awful story. It might have been... Was it Dele Alli or someone, one of the Manchester footballers? He might not even play for Manchester.

Anyway, I don't know much about football. A footballer got his house burgled during the first lockdown. Right. And they came in and they attacked him, punched him in the face and stuff and stole loads of stuff out of his house. And everyone was like,

oh, social distancing. They're all robbers. They don't, they don't care about normal laws. They've broken, they don't care about normal laws. They're not going to give two shits about the new little rule

that's just happened. You fuck. It all went a bit. When they interviewed that prostitute, I couldn't believe what was going on. BBC News, prostitute. Well, you're still going to keep working. Yeah. Yeah. Cause you know, I couldn't believe what was going on. BBC News, prostitute. Well, you're still going to keep working?

Yeah, yeah, because, you know, I don't get furloughed because I'm a cash-in-hand prostitute. Well, you know, you're not supposed to be able to say, but yeah, I kind of wasn't supposed to be doing this beforehand because I'm a prostitute. You idiot of a man. Social distancing. Crazy.

It went crazy for a bit. I don't think I'm only just realising it now Chris it really did it really really did the cheat of them cobbers you dog and no not you look like you've just dogged each other daft man they've got a criminal record

for dogging who gets a pizza delivered to their dogging site how about policemen get your phone out and look for the meteor shower. Fuck me, honestly. Sick. Everyone got power mad at the beginning of all this.

I just don't know why they've stood for that. If a police officer came to me and I was sat in my car, you know, proper innocently just having the dominoes

with the Tinder date and they were like, I'd be like, I have not. And they'd be like, you have? I'd be like, no, get a lie detector test.

I'm going on Jeremy Kyle. Honestly, I'm taking you to court. I have not been dogged. Swabbers? Swabbers. Swabbers. I've once swabbed. I would once swabbed.

Swabbers. I would. I demand a swabbing. I demand a swabbing because there's been absolutely no dogging going on here. Wow. Who just lets them give them a bloody criminal record?

I mean, you can't argue back, can you? What? Why not? Well, they kick off the lock you up if you argue back. Right?

Well, I'd rather be locked up for denying dogging than be charged with dogging that I haven't done. Yeah. So what would you say specifically?

Oh, well, I've never been in trouble with the police. So I am genuinely actually a bit terrified of them. Yeah, but we've got, you know, a mountain

of the evidence on this podcast, you know, super drug thief, tongue grabber, all the other perverted stuff we've been doing. Years ago, I remember my mum was outside, I think it was in Newcastle or the Metro Centre or something, wherever there was one. She was outside the shop and an old lady walked past and said to me and my mum,

you're disgraceful, innit? You know, they're trying to tell the kids not to have drugs and now they're calling the shop that. She was fucking raging. Oh, that's lovely. That's lovely. A shop of drinks. Super, not even just drugs.

Super drugs. But they're trying to mix messages and tell them not to do the drugs and now they're same they're super. Rosie, I think we might have found the biggest bastard on the planet. Oh, aside from yours truly. Brilliant.

Yours truly means you. Right. You trying to say me? I meant you. Brilliant. She meant you. Oh, right. Yes, yours truly means me.

Right. Okay, I'll take that take i'll just sit back and let you just roast yourself hi rosie and chris loving the podcast almost finished the book which is fab too thank you very much there's also a tour thank you i have just paused episode 120 to write this email as i am always sad that I have no gross stories but the switching screws story reminded me of something my best mate has done for years. So this was when the girl gets a kick

out of switching the screws around in home... DIY shops, yeah. Home Depot. God, I watch too much American telly. Why have I just called the shop Home Depot? Being cute or wicks or something.

Yeah, brilliant. I need to stop watching American Valley. So it was someone who switches the screws around so that when people get them back, they've got the wrong size screws. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Which is ironically probably why screw freaks keep all their stuff at the back.

Like Argos. So you don't. Yeah, it's probably happened loads. Listen to this. This is one of the harshest things I think I've heard. And I don't even do this in my everyday life. Right. I don't even use this product.

And you're a bellend. And I don't even use this product, that's my point. Okay. Whenever she sees packs of hair dye in the shops, they are never sealed. So she opens the boxes and swaps the colour tubes round. Oh, knob.

Knob. Can you imagine the horror of thinking you're dyeing your hair blonde or brown, and it turns out to be black or poppy red instead? Just like the screws, she never actually sees the outcome but thinks she is some kind of evil genius nonetheless. That's horrible. That's horrible. Isn't that genuinely horrific?

I'm sorry. What happened to these people in early life? Isn't that just awful? Horrible. Really bad, that, innit? They've got trauma. They've got childhood trauma. To have to do stuff like that that is that's wicked proper shitty thing to do that's really not nice oh that's

upset me that's what a horrible thing what a horrible person on the lines of that here's another one i got which is very similar but not as evil but this i didn't i now feel like people may do this right dear Rosie and Chris a few weeks ago my boyfriend and I went to wait Rose well done to find a sauce

to find a sauce or a moist maker to go with our chicken for tea moist maker friend's reference very good moist maker

that's what Ross puts the middle bread the middle bit of bread in his sandwich as moist maker it's a sauce to go with the chicken nice

as we were perusing the shelves he picked up a jar of Rose Harissa paste. Jesus, I don't know what that is, but that sounds posh. They use it in recipes. Yeah, I've heard of it. Yeah. The chefs.

Have you? Because that sounded like you were just winging that. Rose Harissa. Yeah, they use it in recipes. Yeah, well, of course they use it in recipes, Rose. Can you? Fucking bullshit. You're bullshitting. You don't know what that is.

I've heard of Rosary. You don't know what that is. Chris, I've heard of it. I don't know what it is. So you didn't say, I've heard of it. You went, they use it in, and then you went to say a thing, and you didn't know the thing, so you went, recipes. What a general comment to me.

Yes, they use it in cooking. And they specifically put it in cooking. And they specifically put it in foods. Won't you bullshit a bullshit now? That was... I've heard people, like, chefs use it in stuff. Chefs use it! This is getting worse!

Just carry on! Come on, just just carry on come on let's carry on we haven't got long come on let's carry on oh yes yes Rose Harissa paste yeah I'm very familiar with it it contains

Rose and Harissa in a paste form and did you say it was in a jar yeah yes they are in jars did you say it was in a jar? Yeah, yes, they are in jars. Did you come in jars? Bullshit. Listen, I've been away

for a few days. I'm picking up the lingo. So listen to this. As we were perusing the shelves, he picked up a jar of Rose Harissa paste and opened the jar to smell it. Why are you kind of

doing that? I was absolutely horrified. I asked him what the fuck he was doing opening a jar in a shop that he hadn't paid for. He told me that he wanted to smell it to decide if he wanted to buy it. I had to explain to him that this was unacceptable psychopathic behaviour. Yeah. He maintains he did absolutely nothing wrong, and that he knew he was probably going to buy it anyway.

I have a strange feeling he may have done this before, and I live with a serial jar opener who may not be purchasing the items he is sniffing. You cannae be doing that. So bad, dude. He's popped the popper. Yeah, so always, my point is always check the popper. Yeah, check the popper. But the hair dye thing, freak me right out. Gosh. Guys, check the hair dye

thing, that's so harsh. People love it. What a dickhead thing to do. People love it. I mean, that, the jar popping, obviously don't do it it's just selfish but yeah it is very selfish but you know

I can kind of no no but he's probably innocently done it you know some people Chris some people

are stupid do you know what I mean some people don't know what they use rosarissa paste for I mean does it go on chicken maybe

I'm thinking chicken they said chicken in the email you you bullshitter. Wow, wow. You are charlatan. You're a charlatan. Have you ever, ever cooked in our house? Or did you do it with Mrs. Doubtfire and get it delivered all the time?

You fucking liar. I wish. Hello Fresh is delivered, I suppose, but you've still got to cook it. But no, the hair dye thing, that's upsetting. Because that's just cruel. And then, like you say, they never see the outcome of that. So what's the point? Someone's just gutted with the wrong hair.

But I never buy anything where the seal's broken. There you go. Yeah, so there you go. Screw you. Public service announcement. As always, thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Maridanoid, which is now part, and always has been, of theast creator network oh yes the acast creator network i'm familiar with the acast creator network there's a network of creators for acast yes yes right yeah

yes i'm very knowledgeable on that guys as always thank you so much for listening if you want to get in touch at shagmaridenoid at gmail.com thank you thank you thank you we'll be back in the years next week the tour's on sale now, and all of that jazz. Bye! You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation.

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