Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 132. Fish Guy

Episode Date: September 3, 2021

There is something fishy about this week’s episode and it’s not just the pets. The beefs involve siphoning and strictly and the QFTP’s cover embarrassing Dads, milky mash and Cruise Ship antics!  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Denied with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey! Yeah! Nice intro! Nice! I like it! I like it! Hello! I'm very excited because it's the day before the podcast as we record this. Yeah, it's nine o'clock in the morning on a Thursday. So actually, this is the only... You know how I always say hello to the runners and the walkers and that? Yeah, yeah, yeah. This is the only time that we're in the same sort of frame of mind as those people. I know, man. They've been up since six o'clock, man,

pounding their pavements. They're on to their second run. It's dinner time for them. That's true. They're having their lunch. Can we quickly talk, I know this is the introduction, can we quickly talk about people who exercise at stupid o'clock in the morning? Oh, sorry. You've got to squeeze it in. sorry you got to squeeze it in no no no no if i wasn't lazy i would get up and do it at that time in the morning because you've got well you've got squeezing in before your kids get up before you go do work and stuff i'm always jealous of people who've got a workplace that's a perfect running or cycling distance away and it's got shower facilities and it's five o'clock in the morning well all right six o'clock all right, it depends what time you start work, don't you? It's disgusting. I'm not having it.

I think I'd be a better runner, right? I'd be better at running and doing exercise in general if you didn't have to do it in a big circle. I think I've said this before. Like, if I had to run to the place, if you didn't sweat and get fucking scruffy and you could just run to the place. Yeah.

Imagine if your mates were like, oh, we're going out for a meal. You go, oh, class, yeah. And you could run there and you get there and you still look, like, ready. That would be nice. It would be fucking amazing. It's always better

to have a destination isn't it like Sonic I've been playing on Sonic with a bane Sonic never sweats bit jealous of him he's not real Sonic runs

fast as fuck sometimes does like mad forward rolls gets to his destination hair still looks great not sweating not even covered in dirt off rolling around on the floor

not fair I can't believe I can't what's happening why have we talked about Sonic are you still slightly got a foggy head around on the floor. Not fair. I can't believe what's happening. Why have we talked about that? Are you still slightly got a foggy head?

A little bit. I've been poorly. Shall we do the intro and then we'll chat about this in the actual podcast? Well, if you want. Do you want to put some structure

out of this shit? No, no. Why change the habit of a lifetime? Why am I putting a structure? Episode 132 banging some structure in?

People will not know what hit them, man. You're joking. What is this? It was well put together this week. I couldn't believe it. What is this, a fascist dictatorship? Structure? Eh?

We're all going to get the same haircut, haven't we, Kim, Kim, John, Rosie? Eh? Jesus. Wow. Back off. Let the people flow. Let it be creative.

Listen. Oh, no, we can't talk about that Come on What? No Come on I think Oh I feel an edit point coming

I feel like this Might get edited out I do not Just tell us What is the subject That you wanted to think We could talk about Tell us now

What is it Before you say it Communism Communism Cool So thank you for listening To this week's Shag Mary Noid

It is episode 132 And without further ado It is time to this week's shout my annoyed it is episode 132 and without further ado it is time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor before Rosie gets us cancelled no you can't

no because you can't talk we're not getting political we're not getting political it's not political Rosie I don't mean

to disrespect our listeners who I love dearly every single one of them right I kiss all their faces if I was allowed right Boris I don't think

Boris has let me kiss strangers faces still what a lot of them don't know what the word communism means they're just here for fingering and poo stuff no but listen don't even don't even waste their time don't even waste that i really like clothes right but sometimes i just wish we all had a uniform right okay fair enough i see what side you've come down okay so you want to so you wouldn't you wouldn't be that arse living in a communist regime where we all had to just wear sacks with belts around.

There's something quite confident about it. That's the only thing that I would want. Right. Just a uniform would be nice. Just right. Everybody you wear this. Oh, that's nice. So handmade tail.

So basically you want to just wear, I'll wear the little thing. No, I don't want the rest of the handmade tail. That's the only thing I want. Do you just like handmade tail because they're all wearing lampshades on their heads is that your favourite bit I mean that is nice

that's why you like it Monday to Friday lampshades tale Monday to Friday we all wear the same Saturday Sunday go mental I couldn't handle it

I couldn't handle the pressure on Friday I'd be like what am I wearing at least it's only two days you have to do that seven days a week no because then it would be an event

wouldn't it it would be built up it would be like oh my god what are you wearing on Saturday? We're allowed to wear our own shit. It would be like non-uniform day. Yeah, stressful.

Non-uniform day at school was awful. Awful. Awful. Imagine doing that. Do you know the schools who don't have uniform? Imagine that every day with your kids. You'd be like, oh for God's sake. I feel like you would give them,

I feel it would be like a Peter Griffin, Homer Simpson thing where you'd give them. I'd make their own uniform. I was on a bike ride yesterday and I got actually jealous of Homer Simpson and Peter Griffin. I think they've got it nailed. Why? Just wearing the same clothes every single day. You've got your same thing, your same kind of outfit, pants and

top, go somewhere special, wear a suit, go somewhere, a building site, wear a building site thing. Some people do. Yeah, I wouldn't mind that. I wouldn't mind that. Listen, we've fucked on long enough. Sorry. It's time for this week's lucrative... You can't be saying fuck at nine o'clock in the morning. Some people listen to this at half seven and I've said worse. Fair enough. Sorry. It's time for this week's lucrative... You can't be saying fuck at nine o'clock in the morning. Some people listen to this at half seven and I've said worse.

Fair enough. So there you go. Brilliant. You just backed down so quickly on that. I know. I'm like, some people listen to this while they're in labour, bringing children into the world. You fucking go on off. Wow.

It is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor, it's close to home. It's in our home. It's sickness and diarrhea bugs. Yay! You got the sickness. You got the diarrhea. I've lost a little bit of weight.

So every cloud. Ay, ay, ay, ay. Hey, hey. Have you locked down for 18 months and avoided getting COVID? But is your immune system now a massive piece of shit? Because ours is. You need to get yourself

a nice big fat sickness and diarrhea bug. Spreads from your family like a wildfire. So Rafe had it first. And as babies do, babies catch things that you can't catch. They bring it in your house when it's very little and tiny and doesn't hurt.

And then they evolve it in your house under your roof like a fucking Pokemon and give it to everyone else when it goes from charm and at a charizard and it just rinses through your entire family totally lost us with that but i mean i've lost it with every analogy i've done this morning but you know it's fine pokemon and sonic the hedgehog like fuck's it listen what so i'm not cool you're trying to say i'm not cool you're trying to say you're trying to say i don't you are you trying to say i don't talk about sexy stuff are you trying to say you'm not cool. We know this. Are you trying to say I don't talk about sexy stuff? We know this. Are you trying to say you are not absolutely soaking at me

talking about Sonic and Pokemon? Oh, God, imagine. Honestly, I am wasted on you. I am wasted. There's someone out there who's buzzing with me saying this. Don't be talking about me being soaking at five past nine. All right? Too early.

Oh, good. Okay, go on then. Get you. So, yeah, we've all had a sickness bug. Apart from me. Oh, good. Okay. Go on then. Get you. So, yeah, we've all had a sickness bug. Apart from me. Apart from Chris. Which just makes me think that... I'm Jesus.

He thinks I'm Jesus. I'm probably the chosen one. No, it just makes me think that you don't actually look after the kids enough. Nah. Because you're the only one who hasn't caught it. Listen, we'll talk about this. Even my friend Angela, who came around the other night, caught it. I'm so sorry.

Dirty. Doesn't wash her hands. Probably. Dirty. Eat stuff off the floor, maybe. It's not true. Because I wash my hands religiously and I've had it. I'm so sorry. Dirty. He doesn't wash her hands. Probably. Dirty. Eat stuff off the floor, maybe. It's not true because I wash my hands religiously and I've had it.

Yeah, but you also wipe up Rafe's sick with stuff you're wearing. That is true. There we go. That is true. And we're at the bottom of it. Yeah.

Get the jingle and let's talk about this. Okay, here we go. This is the jingle. Why was that? That was really formal. Play the jingle. Oh, here's the jingle.

Here's the jingle. There we go. This is the jingle. Like we're in court and you're telling Play the jingle Here's the jingle This is the jingle Like we're in court and you're telling everyone the jingle Yeah That's not court, that's the Houses of Commons They're all the same They're all the same, right E

Your honour, that's court Good, well done We had a fight about the jingle Jingle We couldn't fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle.

Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Jingle. Hello and welcome back to Shagmire Denied. Missed you during that jingle. It was a long pause while Rosie worked out the difference between Houses of Commons and court.

She's got it now. And also I went online and started looking at things didn't I? So it's put us off and I'm coming off there now. So you were attempting to do that jeering that they do. That ridiculous, horrible, toffee-nosed, wankery jeering. Just over this last year, I saw more of that Houses of Commons than I've ever wanted to see in my entire life. That used to just go on in the background, didn't it?

Everyone knew it was there, but we never saw it that much. It seemed like they lived there, but now we kind of know their timetable a bit better. But anyway, I'm happy I haven't seen that for a while. It's weird, though, because you catch us this week, guys. I'm living in fear. Like, every little burp or little movement in my stomach that I have,

I just think, oh, God, have I got the stomach, have I got the sickness and the diarrhoea that yous have got? Because I know you say that I don't spend time with my kids, Rosie, which is very harsh. I was joking. But you told us not to for the past two days. No, I have. You were like, stay away from them.

It's actually been really, you know what, massive, massive, I've got massive respect and love and sympathy for the grandparents and stuff who weren't allowed to cuddle babies during all this last 18 months you know when they were like you saw them on the news

holding babies up at the window and they were crying and you can't I'm literally not cuddling my kids in my own house just for a day

because they've got a bit of a sickness bug and I get it I felt really really sad well it's hard because it's the worst timing ever because your tour

kicks off tomorrow tonight Thursday so I've got Thursday night I've got warm ups it's the worst timing ever because your tour kicks off tomorrow tonight Thursday so I've got Thursday night I've got warm ups I've got a warm up show

in London in a room above a pub at my mate's gig and then I've got a comedy store in London and then they're just letting us jump on

and just make sure that my accent still works in the south do you know I haven't done a gig outside the northeast for three years I know

I haven't done a gig outside the northeast for three years to a southernier you're gonna be I haven't done a gig outside the North East for three years. I know. I haven't done a gig outside the North East for three years. To a southerner, you're going to be... I didn't come to watch it. I already... Ooh, biker. Ooh. Literally, the last speaking in the South I did

was probably when I was on Strictly. Shit. That's probably the last time I spoke to anyone in the South. You're going to have to slow it down. Actually, no, probably League of their Own the other day, but yeah. But yeah, there wasn't

a crowd at League of their Own when I did that the other week. So yeah, I might have been complete fucking gibberish. Somebody messaged, well, no, they didn't message. Right, so my mum reads all my comments on Instagram

because she's just got a lot of fucking time on her hands. And I very rarely do. Sometimes you get dicks in there and I just can't be arsed with that for me to... Not dick pics. Well, I mean, that would be lovely. You you get dicks in there, and I just can't be arsed with that. Not dick pics. Well, I mean, that would be lovely. You just get, I'm joking.

But let's not. Let's just, most comments are lovely. Most of your comments are absolutely lovely, as is mine. But now and then, you don't even get dick, it's just going to, oh, this is inappropriate.

I get a little bomb. Do you know, I got trolled. Trolled. Trolled the other day in my comments by somebody who thought I was somebody else on Instagram

great work and I read this comment and I was like they don't mean me brilliant it was somebody else brilliant and I thought well

you're a dick and I like that other person so I'm not commenting back so you can go you can go F yourself yeah that's actually that would be really really that would just be not cool

to go like I'm sorry I've noticed you've trolled me you actually mean this person here's a link to their page go and troll over there you piece of shit no yeah yeah just you just gotta take that on the chin that would be so bad so what so my mom was reading and somebody commented saying on the podcast rosie said she was was it parent paralytic pissed yeah and said, did she mean something else? But paralytic, we say that up here,

don't we? It's a Geordie, isn't it? Yeah, I was paralytic, I was pissed as fuck, I was... So anyway, yeah, so they thought I got it wrong, you know, seeing as I get quite a lot of stuff wrong,

but I was actually right then. So, yeah, up your ziggy with a wah-wah brush. Brilliant. Speaking of getting stuff wrong, can we just talk for a moment about the people who knocked on our door yesterday?

Oh, the view of the house I got a yeah that was a nice little surprise the door the door went I've got sensors on me all around the house

on cameras and I get a bing on my phone very annoying not him from CBeebies I get a bing on my phone like a bing imagine

imagine him at your door every day fuck off and I'm on CBeebies and all I do is wing. Although, although, don't be slagging Bing off. I'll jump over this table and,

well, I won't. I've got to keep it away from you. Please don't. I'll kick off. I'll kick off, right? I'm going to keep it away from you because I don't want to catch your germs. Bing's amazing.

He does wing a lot, but I was watching their day. Do you know what I would love? Just living in the house with him full time. Flop. Flop. Flop. Oh, you're kidding us.

Flop's unreal. Don're kidding us Flop's unreal don't know what Flop is I don't know obviously he's not like a parent but he's some kind of just perfect guardian parent guardian carer rolled into one

fucking incredible he never loses his temper he's diplomatic yeah he's wise yeah just incredible yeah

he knows everything keeps things nice and tidy he stops yeah he's a housekeeper he's babysitter cleaner he's unreal educator fucking, he's a babysitter, cleaner. He's unreal.

Educator. Fucking get me a flop, please. I know, oh hey, I'd love a flop. Then again, like a six foot flop just walking around your house would be absolutely terrifying. It would, but like we say, I can't slag him because he's great. Oh, unbelievable. Anyway, doorbell rang. Well, doorbell didn't ring.

I got a ping saying someone was on the drive. So I went to the door because I didn't want them to ring and wake Rafe up long story short and I opened the door and the car pulled up and they said hello to the neighbours and I was like oh you must you must be going to see them and then he sort of the man and woman bless them walked and stood in front of our porch and almost like presented themselves like like pride and prejudice like just stood there like he just kind of stood there and he was like I am such and such and he like pointed I can't remember the names I was so confused and he pointed at his wife or girlfriend and went and this is such and such and they both just looked at us like that i went right he went

yeah and i went sorry what's happening like i literally i was so confused all me tact and manners which i don't have many of anyway I went sorry what's happening and he went I went what's happening they were my exact words I looked at both of them smiling and I went what's happening and he went we're here for the viewing and I went no

I was so confused I didn't even go sorry you must be mistaken I just went no and he went no and I went no no viewing was there not an element of you thinking I should put the house on the market well I never know the amount of times I've told builders I just went, no. And he went, no. And I went, no. No view. Was there not an element of you thinking,

I should put the house on the market? Well, I never know stuff. The amount of times I've told builders that can come and told people that can come to do stuff. Did you think you forgot yourself? Yeah, like I'll book someone in to do the garden or to do something. And I'm booked in in the spur of the moment because I'm really sort of reactory.

And then I forget. And there was part of it, I was like, oh, it's a man and woman team. I was like, what are these guys doing? This is great. Like, you know, man and woman plumbers or man and woman sparkies. This is mint. And I went part of it. I was like, oh, it's a man and woman team. I was like, what are these guys doing? This is great. Like, you know, man and woman plumbers or man and woman sparkies. This is mint.

And I went, no. And he went, no. I went, no, not the viewing. And he said the name of the house. And I went, no, I went, there's another house called this further away. Because we're wankers now. We don't have a number.

We have a name. We've got a name, darling. Our house has a name. Hate us. We'll talk about that in a minute. I started trying to give them directions and I couldn't think. And I was just so confused. they were lovely and they were very

apologetic but yeah it was just really strange I literally went, I went you can't move in, we've still got boxes that we haven't unpacked here, we've already been in since March, well pictures aren't on the wall yet it's a sickness bug, you don't want to walk around in here you're going to die, I mean there's part of us that

would have been interested to know what they would have offered there was, you know what there was part of us that would have been interested to know what they would have offered there was you know what there was part i'm not gonna lie make us an offer now listen just look at it walk around what do you want how much make us an offer yeah um i feel like such a tosser giving people our new address yeah it's horrible and it's it's not cool yeah i think i might make up a number yeah because we But it's not a street. It doesn't have a street. There's no street. There's a little cluster of about seven houses where we live. And in our house, I'm not going to tell you, but it's a name and I just feel like a wanker.

It's very partridge. It's very partridge. Where was I? Where was I? Where I had to give me a dress? And I could tell the lass was like, oh, you prick. I think it was Specsavers. I had to do it the other day

at Pets at Home. Oh, that's a bad one. I had to give them a dress at Pets at Home because when you buy a fish, I was only buying two snails and two shrimp, right, to clean the tank.

Yeah. And yeah, they were just like, a dress. And I was like, what is this? You're going to come and take me fish? You're going to come and reclaim me fish? Like, why is this?

But yeah, I felt like such a chatt on the iPad. I was like i was like i'm sorry i know but isn't it sad that why why aren't we allowed to feel like i think most people would be like oh yeah it's because i just felt like such a tosser we're working class and and yes we may have sort of you know um done all right for ourselves but we uh still have a podcast called shark to marry denoise and we still sway at nine o'clock in the morning while recording and we still let us from the public later on questions from the public we'll be talking about horrible disgusting stuff so we're telling someone you know like oh yeah it's very but there's a bit of an alan partridge audiobook where he's trying to

pick a name for his house and he rattles through loads of names and it's it's very that yeah yeah well anyway what are you going to do? Should we get in touch with them people again? Yeah should we just flog them sick of it?

It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Beef, beef, beef. I love beef. Beef?

I just love I love like a casserole beef. Anyway. Explain a casserole beef to us. So just like tender lovely like in water. Like a beef shinle beef. Anyway. Explain a casserole beef to us. So just like tender, lovely like...

In water. Like a beef shin or something. No, in gravy. Sorry. Beef shin. It's a thing. Shin. Shin, I'm sure.

Eh? Shin. Beef shin. Hang on, yeah. Well, I've... Just Googling it. I'm sure I've had beef shin. It sounds like it's made up.

No, it's not. It sounds like in National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation. Beef shin is a part of the thing. You can get a shin of beef it's lovely all right say you go beef shin stew with parmesan dumplings well i might get that recipe oh jesus um it just sounded like you know in um you know in uh national lampoon's christmas vacation oh it's a jamie oliver what his mighty brother says they're cutting up the turkey and his mighty brother goes save the neck for me clark it sounded like that. It sounded like dirty minging

auntie Rosie wants to eat the shin. There you are. Melting your mouth shin stew. This is a Jamie Oliver one that doesn't have the

parmesan. Stew can fuck off. I love a stew. I'm alright for me food floating in something. I've always been alright for that.

I'm just alright for it. Where do you want your dinner at? Oh do you want a ladle full of dinner out of the cauldron? No I'm alright alright for it. Where do you want your dinner at? Oh, do you want a ladle full of dinner out of the cauldron? No, I'm alright, thanks. Stick a pizza in the oven.

I like the kind of dinner where you don't need a knife, you just need a fork and then a spoon to get all the juice at the end. You've got fucking teeth, use them. You might as well pull them out. I'm going to save this recipe. Oh, it's got cinnamon in. Jesus. Shut up, this is a podcast.

Stop looking at fucking recipes. It's got two thirds of a bottle of Chianti. I'm listening. Yeah, yeah, yeah. All right, I'm listening. Well, that'll be all. If it's floating in wine, I'm all right. Oh, hey, that looks nice. With mashed potato.

Get that in my belly. Mashed potato. Oh, yeah, listen. Literally get in the fucking sea. Right. There's a thing, because you love mashed potato. I don't know if we've talked about this, you try to get our children to like mashed potato and they hate it

as well. Well, hang on, Rafe hasn't tried it yet. He'll hate it. Rafe has not tried it. He'll love it, actually. He's a greedy little pig. Roast potato is absolutely smash mashed potato all over. And the smashed jack potato, obviously. We've talked about jack potato. That can fuck off as well. It's just the white nothing, starchy, hot fucking sponge that you like to eat but i add stuff to my mashed potato

that which tells us it's shit do you know what i add to roast potatoes absolutely nothing because they're amazing on their own if you've got to put fucking cheese and milk and cream it's bollocks it's crap it's a crap thing stop eating it stop flogging a dead horse get some roasties and shut your shit wow well that's a fucking tea towel that's a tea towel slogan if ever I've had one

right what's your beef apart from the fact that you've shit in mashed potatoes my beef this week is beef shin Jamie Oliver style

but no my beef with you this week is you did something earlier on this week I don't think you're even going to remember this but honestly

couldn't look at you the same can't look at you the same so you. Can't look at you the same. So you got this new fish tank. Yeah. Which I already hate. Yeah. I watched you siphon fish tank water out of that tank into a bowl because you got empty two-thirds of it every other week or something ridiculous.

Quarter. Went in your mouth. The fish tank water went in your mouth and you spat it in the bowl. And honestly like you are such a clean freak. You're such a I don't know and I just thought

how can this person drink. You drank fish water? I spat it out you've just said. Oh but it was in your mouth. Fish tank water went in your mouth. What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? What's the matter with you? Rosie, I'm a fish guy now. That's what fish guys do.

Oh, God. Honestly, we're going to Aquaman our way. Hey, no, I'll take that. I'll take that. Listen, I am a fish guy now, right? And I look after my fish. And I've got to change the water. And the only way you can really do it, because what I've done is I've put the tank in a really stupid position.

I've basically boxed it into the corner. You could have done something different than siphon. What could I have possibly done? Surely there's a machine. Do you think the bloke who works at the aquatic centre siphons out the fish water? He'd be ill? He'd be dead? If he's hard as fuck like me, probably, yeah.

Oh, listen, I am siphoning fish water, but who hasn't got the sickness bug? That's probably why! I've got my immune system up. I've got my immune system up because I've been in fish water but who hasn't got the sickness bug eh because I've got my immune I've got my immune system up I've got my immune system up because I've been drinking fish poo oh my god that's why

that's why you are your intestines are so rotted with algae and fish shit which is fighting off my algae is fighting off

your sickness bug you're probably right you know so there we go please just don't do don't let us watch you do it again because it was really it was horrible to watch. And like we say, because of our marriage now,

we don't actually say things at the time. I had to leave the room and write that in my phone because I was like, I need to mention this on the podcast. It's such a sad state of affairs. So you must have thought that I was just okay with that for all this week because I haven't said anything she didn't mind that I drink fish water now so basically I got a clear tube

actually that we got with the motorhome water tank I got a clear tube and I plugged it in I put it into the thing you've got to put the bucket lower than where your tank is and yeah so if you've never seen it siphoned before you basically suck it all up like a straw and then get it flowing

get it in your mouth spit it but you can I've realised since then you can put you basically suck it all up like a straw and then get it flown, get it in your mouth, spit it. But you can, I've realised since then, you can put your thumb over it and then sort of when it touches your thumb, it's hard to explain. You don't, yeah, you don't. Do you think people swallow the petrol?

I didn't. I've seen it on films where they siphon petrol out of tanks and they just spit it on the floor. That's where I got it from. Yeah, but they're robbers, usually, Chris. Right. Usually pretty scummy people siphon petrol from cars, etc. Not a doing-quite-well stand-up comedian.

Siphon your fish water. Honestly. Listen, the worst bit was, did you see how murky the water was when I did that? Awful. It's clear now because I've changed it and I've cleaned the filter and stuff. As I say, I've got some shrimp and I've got some changed it and I've cleaned the filter and stuff. As I say, I've got some shrimp and I've got some snails

that are cleaning up their algae and stuff. So yeah. Just quickly before we... It's not a momentary show. I'm just a momentary show. I'm a fish guy. That's great.

I'm so happy for you. Can't wait till your girls come in. Just... I'm tired. Might bring a bit of spice to the bedroom. Just before we carry on, the shin recipe,

the melt-in-your-mouth shin stew, takes three and a half hours. Pointless. Might not bother. Absolutely pointless. Who's got that kind of time on their hands? Well, you might just leave it. You probably do, I imagine.

Stir it every five minutes or something. Horrible. I'll try it. Right, go on. What's your beef with me then? I would rather drink fish water than that stew. Just saying. So there you go on what's your beef with me then I would rather drink fish water than that stew just saying so there you go

what's the what's the fish guy in this is going to be really the deep the deep you were going to say

in the boys lost boys yeah not lost boys the boys the boys it's very good but you are the deep I don't want the deep's

fit gills because they're on his abs and they're disgusting they're horrible but I wouldn't mind Kevin Costner's gills from Waterworld because they're just behind his ears and he can just wear a hat or something Oh yeah, yeah, yeah, okay

I can't believe this is actually a conversation that we're having Oh wow! What gills would you rather have? On the same day, on the same day that you drank that fish water, you also text me a reservoir that you found on your bike ride You're changing!

You're morphing! I'd like to drink the water from home and then i let you drink the water from the reservoir just to see if any see what's similar right come on a lot of people use ph test strips in like the hot tub or like the aquarium to see the ph levels i just get a mouthful quick gargle write it down write it down in my notebook just a I do. Don't you ever slag me off for doing anything monkey. Like don't, if I'm eating a crisp a weird way, don't you dare. I've just realised as well.

So yesterday I did the fish tank, but you're talking about the other week when I did it, I think. And I actually didn't use that clear. This isn't the time when I used the clear new tube from the motorhome. You're talking about the time I went and got that bit of hose from the garden and did it. Yeah. Oh yeah, there was soil

in that as well. It was horrible. Bits of grit in that in my mouth, yeah. But, fish guy. Who are you? Fish guy. I'm weirdly quite proud of you actually. Yeah. Yeah. Great. Good for you. I still won't come anywhere near you, you sickness bug. Great. Listen, my beef with you this week is

you often have a go at me, or get angry at me, or tell me off, for almost hypothetical situations. You'll almost invent, it's not a massive telling off, it's not a crazy Barney,

where you're like not speaking to us and stuff. Much like when Phoebe falls out with someone in Friends, because they were nasty to her in a dream. She's not speaking to them for the full episode, then he realises it's a dream. So you do similar, but it's not speaking for the full episode, then he realises it's a dream. So you do similar, but it's not a part of falling out, but you genuinely had a dig at me the other day

because you saw that Greg Wise was added to the Strictly line-up this year who is the husband of Emma Thompson, and you genuinely had quite a venomous dig at me for not being in Strictly this year so you could sit next to Emma Thompson

in the crowd when she was watching her husband I just really like Emma Thompson it was quick it wasn't you did never

but it was just like oh look Greg Wise has been added that's Emma Thompson's husband oh Chris man you couldn't have been in Strictly this year

could you so I could sit next to her no you couldn't you had to go in two years ago I was like what the what

it just would have been a nice little line-up well I'm really sorry that I didn't get in two years ago I was like what the what it just would have been a nice little line up well I'm really sorry that I didn't get picked two years later to do Strictly which is totally

out of my fucking control right okay fair enough you maniac all I'm saying is I didn't get to meet RuPaul

because he was he was there the week I wasn't there I met him nice blow lovely blow very smooth

Emma Thompson's gonna be there for God's sake well listen I know the people at Strictly right I can probably squeeze myself a ticket I'll send you a photo if I see her don't you dare Very smooth. Emma Thompson's going to be there, for God's sake. Well, listen, I know the people at Strictly, right?

I can probably squeeze myself a ticket. I'll send you a photo if I see her. Don't you dare. Don't you dare. Yeah, I'll give him a text. Do you think we could go as guests this year? Probably not you. Probably me.

Why? Got a load of clout. No, shut up, man. I think we should try. Yeah, I'd like to go as a guest. Definitely, I'd like to go and watch. Cheryl. Cheryl.

Cheryl. Cheryl came. When there. Yeah, I met Cheryl. Do you not remember when Cheryl went and just sat in front of me auntie and uncle because me auntie Karen

and my uncle Kevin went down and she sat in front and they had no idea until I sent them a picture. Well they thought she was a lass from Shields didn't they? What do you mean?

They thought she was just a lass from the North East. I'm sure they said there's a lass from the North East they didn't know it was her. Did they? Well I remember sending them a picture

of them on the telly when it was Cheryl and I was like oh my god Cheryl and they had no idea. I was like, oh my God, Cheryl. And they had no idea. And I was like, what? Bloody hell. I remember meeting, I think I talked about it on here.

I met her in the corridor. I felt like I knew her. It was so weird. She was like, hiya. And I was like, hiya. And I was like, oh, we don't know each other. We've just got the same accent. Mind us together.

The thing is though, I would like to go and sit and watch Strictly, but I'm just worried about intimidating the other contestants because of such a you know such a skilled dancer

like myself just a skilled dancer you know so much rhythm so much dance and knowledge so much musicality sitting there might put them off

I know well we've got a friend in it Rosie it'll be like the fifth judge wow it'll be like the fifth judge sitting there ridiculous

we've got a friend in it this year though yes so we like the fifth judge. Wow. It'll be like the fifth judge sitting there. Ridiculous. We've got a friend in it this year, though. Yes. So we've got Tom. We'll be cheering on. No offence to everyone else, but we've already got our winner that we're going to be cheering on, Tom Fletcher. I think he's going to do well.

I think he will. Yeah. I mean, everyone will do better than me. Good luck, everyone. Yay. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH,

the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca.

This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all.

No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year.

It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.

Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch

your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com it's time for questions from the public guys as always if you want to get in touch at shagmarriedanoid at gmail.com. Now, before we go into questions from the public, we have put out surveys for the live shows on Rosie's Instagram feed. I'll put them out on mine as well, but that's a fucking point. But basically, it's called a monkey survey. Please, that's just the company that does it. Please don't take offence. I remember because our producer was like,

we'll put a monkey survey out. And I was like, don't you speak to our listeners like that. I'll slap you. How dare you. But yeah, basically, it's the company that does it. It's called a monkey survey out and i was like don't you speak to our listeners like that i'll slap you how dare you um but yeah basically it's the company that does it's called a monkey survey so we need you if you're coming to one of our live shows we need you to go on there and put in your beef with your partner or their beef with you or you can put both beefs in and basically you can stay anonymous and we are going to read them out on the night at the show and discuss them the producers are seeing them we're not saying we're not going to know what they are, which is going to be exciting. It's a complete surprise for us.

The producers have already been in touch. Sorry, saying that. There's some really good ones. So, yeah, Edinburgh, Newcastle are the first two coming up. Well, I'm going to share them before each show. So possibly the day before or two days before each show, I'm going to share it. And, yeah, you can either stay anonymous or you can let us know and then we can dig you out.

Anyone coming to any of the shows in September, get on there, get on Rosie's Instagram. We'll put it out again. And yeah, get your beefs in, please. Now, questions from the public. I've been going through all the emails because obviously we are getting them for the tour. You don't know what the questions are for the tour,

which is very nice. Very excited. But I've got that horrible thing now. It's really, it's great because there's so many good ones, don't know what the questions are for the tour which is very nice very excited um i've but i've got that horrible thing now it's really it's great because there's so many good ones but i'm now reading them going oh podcast tour i know what you mean podcast tour yeah and then i'm like i don't know so i'm just i'm trying to spread them out but i've got some really good ones as long as they're all good it's's absolutely fine. Tickets for December are still available. Come on, let's go. Okay, hello both. Just finished listening

to episode 110, take two, about the person calling into work. Do you remember the bloke rang into work or something because his wife was constipated and he had to help her?

Oh God, yeah. Yeah, the TMI guy. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It says, my story isn't as bad but it is very stupid. Got you. So, a mother called in

and said that she had, she couldn't come into work that day because she had caught sunstroke of her son. Sorry. Caught it off her son. She caught something that isn't contagious. Yes. Also, I think this could make a good podcast segment, genuine reasons that people have called in sick.

That's good. That could be quite fun, couldn't it sick that's good that's good actually yeah get in touch agmaridonitgmail.com for the most ridiculous or genuine what you thought were genuine reasons that you maybe it's ridiculous you knew it was ridiculous maybe it was a lie or maybe you it was genuine and everyone else thought you were lying send them in hey chris and rosie I have the perfect story for this week's podcast. My friend works in a restaurant slash bar in our area and had one of the weirdest experiences of her waitressing life the other day. Only Cody. She sat a table of six, in brackets, as those are the current restrictions in Ireland.

Okay. It's in Ireland. And proceeded to take their order. Everything was going very well until she brought their food to the table. One woman on the table ordered a main and a side of mashed potato. Oh, you'd hate that. This is where it all took a turn. My friend walked away from the table and continued to serve the other tables.

The next time she walked past this table of six, she was shocked. The woman that had ordered the mashed potato had taken out one of her breasts and was milking her boob onto the mash. Sorry. She whisked her breast milk into the mashed potato and proceeded to eat it. What? In the middle of the... In the middle of the restaurant. See, I don't know.

Is it like... I know. I never drank my... The little bit of breast milk that the shit sister's provided. I never tried it. But, I mean, I don't know whether it's that disgusting

putting it in your mashed potato. But I think in a restaurant it's a bit weird can I just say I've never felt more validated in my life because I started this podcast by kicking off

like you always have to add something because it's so shit even in a pub she's got to hoi her own tit milk in because mashed potato is that fucking crap it's that bland all hail King Ramsay

oh I fucking nailed it yeah even in a pub when you know they put loads of butter and loads of salt they don't care about your health they just hide it to make it even in a pub where she's ordered it and pub slash restaurant it's that fucking gash has got to go oh i'm gonna put a bit of milk but what what made i think i didn't i mean i know it's very handy what's the people on the table handy's not sorry if you're feeding a baby I completely get it I understand

and you know or maybe because can we just clarify breastfeeding's great maybe I'm being a chauvinist pig here maybe I'm being am I being a chauvinist pig I don't know

she hasn't got a baby with her but she's just whipped her tit out in the pub and just added her own breast milk it says nothing about the baby being there because I think you know what if the baby was there the baby's not eating the mashed potato

the baby's not eating the mashed potato she's eating the mashed potato alright She's eating the mashed potato. Alright, it's fucking weird. I'm not saying it's illegal. I'm not saying it's bad. I'm not saying it's fucking weird. It's weird as fuck.

Well, it's a bit, yeah, yeah. I don't know because I think we're going to get loads of emails going, it's natural. Not for you to drink, not for you to eat your own

mixed in the mashed potato. Alright, so I'm going on the train this afternoon down to London because I've got the gigs at the weekend I'm going to probably get a Greggs

what if I just stood up and just spunked into my sandwich and went oh sorry I just I like to add my own flavour no because the reason that you

can't use that analogy is because somebody doesn't eat your spunk don't you deny don't you deny my spunk on the podcast

I'm joking I'm joking I'm joking married people don't swallow sperm spunk. Don't you deny my spunk on the podcast. Oh god, sick. I'm joking, I'm joking. Married people don't swallow sperm, I'm sorry. Yeah, I mean I'm being a bit over the top with that but I reserve the right to say that putting your breast milk into your own

mashed potato in a crowded restaurant, whisking it up and then eating your mashed potato it's weird that it's on a table of six. I't know why i know i know i think it's weird right and i think most people listening will think it's weird and i think the odd person who goes breastfeeding is natural i'm not saying breastfeeding is not natural i'm not saying breast milk is not natural i'm saying hoying your own breast milk into your own mashed potato not for your mashed potato for your own consumption in a pub. Yeah. Sorry and all that. I wonder if I've made that any. What was their reaction?

Oh, hello. Oh, hey. My mashed potato is a little bit dry as well. Oh, fuck. Could you put a wee... Stop, stop. Slash in there. Stop doing people's accents.

It's really upsetting. Put it away. Stop doing... Stop it. No. Stop putting it in your... Can I just say as well, right? Kind of like at the beginning of that email.

It was... We sat a table of six brackets as is the restrictions. She didn't eat a ton. Six is a lot of people. Like, she said it like there'd normally be more people going out for... Who's going out with more than six people for a meal?

What is it? Office two? Viking banquet? I'm alright going out with more than six people, especially if they're all fucking putting blooming breast milk in their mashed potato. Thanks very much.

It'd be an absolute state. Actually, yeah. We're part of a WhatsApp group at the minute that are arranging Christmas night out. Oh God, I'm already getting anxiety about that.

And there's a lot of people and it's all your mates. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And they seem to be allergic to eating food whilst drinking. And I'm just like... Or they've always been like that.

I'm not having any food. We've just gone drinking. I'm like, I will die. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I will die. So we might just have to go for dinner before we meet them. Well, I've often disappeared in a city centre

and got a subway halfway through the night and met them afterwards. What's all that about? We went out in Leeds once, all me and all my mates for a night out and I disappeared halfway through the night with one of them and we got a foot and a half of subway each did you yeah we got a foot long subway ate it outside

then went are you still hungry I'm still hungry went back into the subway for another six inches and then went to the nightclub and just burped meatball marinara oh god it's not the one you want like it's not the one you want babadoo babadoo babadoo bah hi Rosie and Chris long time lover and listener of the podcast can't wait to see you both on September the 13th in London. Oh, shit, that's Wembley. Is that Wembley? That's Wembley. Oh, cacapoo times.

Shit. Very excited. Oh, I'm sat laughing my head off to episode 128 for the kid who ran into a wall and broke both his arms. Paul Pentelope. He got in touch on Twitter. He did. Have we talked about that, by the way?

I don't know, actually. So we talked about your meeting. Oh, well, I'm going to message him and ask if i can share the picture on my instagram right well he put it online so we talked about your you said a friend of a friend of yours who was in in school in your phone class broke his arms yeah both arms you were annoyingly right on a lot of the story apart from it wasn't full arms so he wasn't in uh no right angle and they weren't above his head so rosie described that you got the colors right you said it was like a twister lolly which it was but you

said that it was the trap it was like the right angle cast so it was from armpit to wrist yeah it was at a 90 degree angle and you said that both his arms were strapped up like a fucking rugby goal well the reason i do you know why i've thought about this for longer? I think what's happened is I might have seen him across the yard and I've gone, Paul, let us look at your cast. And he's gone like that

and I've thought, wow, they are stuck in the air. Right, okay. It was basically two wrist casts. Yeah. And it was on the last day of school apparently.

Well, it happened the week before the school holidays broke up and he said that he was desperate to go in and show everyone so he went in

for the last day of the summer term just to show off his cast and then he had six weeks off with two broken arms and look what that did that reminded you you saw it

you remembered it and it gave joy to all of the listeners about it and he got in touch on Twitter and he was showing the photos I was like I need photos and it was amazing

I love this podcast and I forget how many people listen because we just do it in the house did I not tell you I didn't know he listened I love this podcast and I forget how many people listen because we just do it in the house did I not tell you I didn't know he listened so that's cool it's amazing how many people listen did I not tell you about the tweet

I got the other day what no so we were talking about when me and Carl Hutchinson were on when we were on the circuit doing comedy back in the day in little pubs and stuff

and we stayed in a pub and I said one morning we stayed in a we stayed in like a B&B and one morning at nine o'clock I heard a waiter shout to the manager

of the B&B Simon your burger's ready yes don't say they got in touch nine o'clock nine o'clock the other morning I woke up

I woke up I think I'd been up with Rafe in the night so I woke up about ten o'clock and I had a screen grab sent to us from Carl Hutchinson yeah it was the guy

Simon the exact guy at nine o'clock that morning, he tweeted me and Carl saying, is me burger ready? Shut up. Yeah, it was great.

So who is he? I was buzzing. It's just the guy who used to manage the V&B, the pub. Yeah, he just, is me burger ready?

Nine o'clock on the dot, he tweeted me and Carl. Wow, that's amazing. I love this podcast so much. I've been saving it and I've completely forgotten about it to be fair

but yeah yeah wow love it I wonder what else what else can we get in touch with no because it's

freaking us out because I forget and I don't know what I've said and I feel like I'm going to I'm going to bump into someone

from my past and they're going to be like oh yeah Doug is out and I'm going to be like because I have slagged people off as well do you know what I mean

like not really badly you've not named anyone though yeah but they'll fucking know if it's them I'm just a bit worried but anyway yeah fair enough shout out to Simon

and Paul Pentlow anyway what's this question right sorry okay so blah blah I'm laughing about Paul Pentlow a few stories

come from this so it was the school holidays and we were having a summer fay in my primary school playground with a few stores inside

my mum was on the school committee so we helped to set up and clear everything up I was still in primary school at the time but my brother had left a year before and couldn't remember the layout of the school wow really really quickly forgot about that school didn't they imagine a year later well where is everything oh i just can't remember after the day had finished the adults were clearing up, but me, my brother, and some of our friends were running around playing tag.

My brother was chasing after me, but he went hurtling around a corner, face first, into a brick wall he forgot was there. Brilliant. What the hell? I initially laughed, but he screamed and cried. I then cried too, seeing blood all over him and the wall. Yep, he knocked both of his front teeth out. Oh've been there yep we've been there can i just say though the confidence in like oh i don't know the layout anymore but i'm going to assume there's nothing around this corner so i'm going to fucking sprint full pelt with my eyes shut i feel like

they also should have took the doctors for amnesia maybe yeah this is this is this is the better bit of the podcast you know what's really weird of the part of the question yeah just what i could now possibly draw you the layout of all of my schools roughly on a bit of paper yeah so could i mean infant school possibly definitely me juniors i'd know the layout of that 100 and obviously definitely me comprehensive school yeah i could i mean there's no way of proving because you know apart from the comprehensive school all the other schools would be knocked down which we've talked about regularly so there's no way of proving this i could be talking absolute bollocks but that's really strange but anyway carry on also at this summer fair my dad got told off for a t-shirt he was wearing whilst cooking the barbecue right it had it was a meat joke wasn't it it was a meat joke no okay right

this is just a dickhead dad right it's a dickhead dad if it was my dad I'd be like dad no I'd be ashamed

right so it had the same style text as an optician's eye exam oh fucking hell but the words

read top big down to small at the bottom so they were you know when they're big at the top yeah top, big, down to small at the bottom. So, you know when they're big at the top and they're small at the bottom. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like one or two letters at the top and it goes down like a pyramid. Yes. So this is what it read whilst he was doing the barbecue at the school. School fair. Primary school. Come on.

Summer fair. Come on. Hello, nice to meet you. If you can read this down here give me a blowjob while you're down there. That's fucking disgraceful the school fair the school fair he's on the barbecue

like what goes through these people's minds listen I'm gonna upset you here Rosie uh huh but I respect them no I'm sorry

it's dedication to a dad joke that then again it's filth I don't know it's awful I just who are these people's partners who let them go out

in this shit yeah that's my first thing yeah I remember oh I'm gonna dig out my grandparents and I don't mean

my granddad Ronnie God rest his peace rest in peace granddad Ronnie oh safe then he's not gonna tweet no it's true it's my dad's dad

sorry I remember one time I remember one time, I remember one time he came out and he had a cap on and had loads of fake bird shit on. Yeah. And I was young, so I found it funny.

Fake bird shit? But as a grown woman... Sorry, that's the worst crap. Who's the joke aimed at there? I don't know. Who's the joke aimed at there? I don't know. Who's the joke aimed at? I think it must have had some writing on as well, because I can't remember.

But who's the... You're the punchline of your own joke there. That's rubbish, because what? You're going to walk around and people are going to go, hey, you've got bird shit on your cap. And you go, no, it's not. It's fake. Idiot.

I don't know. Look at you. Everyone, he thought it was real bird shit. Why are you wearing it, you fucking nuthead? But now, as a grown woman, you know, with a husband and that, what was me nana doing? Nana?

What are you letting him wear that cap for? With fake bird shit. Was it me grandad? This is one of them memories where I'm going to... Kate, Kevin. Kevin doesn't listen to this. Dad. Dad doesn't listen.

I'll ask me mum. Fucking hell. She'll remember. Was it me grandad or was it somebody else i can't remember anyway somebody had bird shit on their cap and i thought it was hilarious but as a grown woman i had a thought it's just such a stupid cap and it's such a stupid joke and it's pointless i know why that's not a cap anymore i know why i've never seen a cap like that because it's such a stupid joke it's not funny at all like that's like buying that's like going in the shop and going oh yeah you've seen these we sell these cream chinos but look they've got a fake skid mark on the back so it looks like

you've shot yourself and then people go you've shot yourself and you're going oh it's fake you idiot like stupidest joke ever i'm just googling it and uh you can get them yeah you can get one that says um i hate seagulls oh god with loads of shit on rubbish yeah that's rubbish I normally like stupid dad jokes but that's rubbish anyway

my dad once won a competition in a pub on holiday I remember this have I ever told you about this no I don't think so so it was my dad they had to get up

and it was my dad and two young lads did this competition and my dad like wiped the floor with them they had to do the physical activity was but they had to do some kind of physical it was like press ups or something like that you know how my dad like wiped the floor with them they had to do the physical activity was but they had to do

some kind of physical it was like press ups or something like that you know how my dad was the dickhead dad and got up and did all these things right so he had to

have we talked about that well we were going through photos weren't we we were going through photos recently guys for the tour for a little slideshow

we've got on the tour can I just can I explain so all of all of Chris's childhood photos of him on holiday is his dad doing cartwheels in the pool

and handstands and going across the monkey bars and his mom just getting a wide on at the side of the pool. A wide on! Your mom's the one taking all the pictures. Yeah, yeah. Like, I don't... There's one of them when your dad is doing a headstand

and you're about to push him in the pool and I just can imagine going, Anne, camera on and her going oh yes phil right go on then go on then oh fantastic look at that and uh i'd be mortified in all honesty as a yes he was the dickhead dad 100 which i'm definitely gonna be the dickhead dad as well but in all honesty pushing a man in to the pool who was doing a headstand was so fun yeah so he would do the headstand and i would run up and just push him in because i was only a toddler uh did i fall in a couple of times nearly drowned falling after him yes i did yeah was it worth it yes to be fair what would i rather have that or my dad used to get pissed and get up and do um elvis on the karaoke so headstand headstand in speedos is

looking pretty fine now isn't it um so was this it was this bar and i had to get up and do this sort of challenge thing it was something like press-ups or you know run to somewhere then run back or whatever then they had to down a pint yeah and then they had to eat a pat of crisps as well right and it was all in my dad like i think he was about level with the kids doing the press-ups or whatever it was and then the the neck the pints or whatever and uh they like really rushed like open the crisp packet and they're like shoveling the crisps into their mouth and my dad opened the crisp packet right opened it squeezed it and crushed all of the crisps to nothing and just poured them all into his mouth in one go and finished like a good sort of 30 seconds before these guys were like like choking on walkers,

like coughing and bits of fucking crisp going everywhere. And he won this t-shirt and he wore it for the full holiday and he wore it when we got home and I fucking hated it. What did it say? Oh, don't. It was a grey t-shirt and it didn't make any sense, right? Because he wasn't. But it was this grey t-shirt and it had a circle on. And in the circle on the front, it was too big for him as well,

on the circle on the front, it was too big for him as well. On the circle on the front, it said, I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet. But he was in really good nick. He was in really good shape at the time. He was doing headstands on the side of the pool. I was so confused. Your dad was ripped to shreds. The t-shirt said, I may be fat, but you're ugly and I can diet.

And he wore it. He thought it was hilarious and he wore it all the time but he wasn't fat and I remember even as a child I was like why have you got that on

like why have you got that on obviously by today's standards it's really offensive and not cool but even at the time I was like it doesn't make any sense it's not a funny joke

and you're not fat take it off and he won that and he probably wore it right so people would go what's that and he probably didn't even think it was that good he won that another night. He probably wore it, right? So Peter would go, what's that? And he probably didn't even think

it was that good. He just wanted to tell them. I won this competition. Oh, that's, yeah, yeah, yeah. Two young lads, right? They didn't know how to eat crisp, fast, did they? Oh, Billy, that's great.

That's Billy. Oh, yeah. Your man's there. Get the photos, Anne. Get the photos of me and them crisps. Oh, just be a minute. I'll go and get them, yeah.

Brilliant, it was great. That's right, it's your mum and dad. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo babadoo babadoo bah hi Rosie and Chris after listening to episode 129 in which you both discussed the type of tampons

billionaires use oh Jesus God when people when people remind us what we've said I want to die again it's like someone's reading it in court it's awful When people remind us what we've said, I want to die. Again, it's like someone's reading it in court.

It's awful. It's like they're reading it in court. It's so bad. When you talk about tampons millionaires use, well, actually, that got me thinking about, so. Well, anyway. I wanted to write in, as this is something that crops up in my line of work from time to time.

You're not going to believe this. I work on a super yacht as a stewardess. Shut up. Serving and looking after some pretty wealthy people. Right, now, I knew you'd like this because we are big Below Deck fans. Yes, yes, yes. And nobody has ever got in touch who works on a super yacht, right?

Are you ready? Yeah. Are you ready for this? Are you ready for this? Stop. Okay. I'm afraid i haven't come across any 24 karat gold tampons although a girl i work with once had a guest on board who had all her underwear pre-lined with sanitary pads for her so she didn't have to unwrap them herself and she then leave the used underwear and pads on the floor for the stewardess to clean up for him. Oh, that's not cool.

Fucking gross. Oh, that's like, you know when the photos are on the internet of when they've left a festival and there's just tents and shit everywhere. That's like the posh people version of that. Oh, vile, disgusting. Doesn't matter who got money. It's so gross.

So every time she has a period, she throws the knickers away and the sanitary pads. She just leaves them on the floor for them to get thrown away. Oh, God. Talk about fast fashion. Jesus. So probably her housekeeper or whatever, she has a period she throws the knickers away and the sanitary pads she just leaves them on the floor for them to get thrown away oh god talk about fast fashion Jesus so her

probably her housekeeper or whatever at her home will have pre-lined her underwear that's I'm sorry yeah

how rich do you have there's some things that you would I mean obviously I'm a man I've got a penis I can't really weigh on and it's not really my

place to tell women how to put the sanitary pads in but what a just what a tap out of adult life to go, I don't put, I need it already put in me knickers because I don't put it in. Useless, useless sack of shit that she is. Wow.

Yeah, no. Anyway, so I thought I'd write in some weird slash mad slash gross stories from my crew and friends in the industry for you. Oh God, yes. Please keep me anonymous. I could lose my job. Got you.

I've got an email, though, so I might email and say, do you ever do any really cheap rates? Yeah. Do you know how much it is to hire a yacht? Can you, basically, can you possibly give the, not the crew,

just the people who've rented it for a week, some kind of stomach virus so they have to fuck off and we can just come in for the last three days and just enjoy it because do you know how much it is it's hundreds of thousands

of pounds it's about 250 grand for like a day no I think like a week possibly Jesus you could buy a fucking massive house for that

ridiculous yeah well yeah because they leave like 20 grand tips don't they that's the worst bit for me that's a down payment on a house

that's the worst bit for me when I see the tips and I'm like nah nah crazy anyway I wouldn't do it I'd be like that glass had a down payment on a house. That's the worst bit for me when I see the tips and I'm like, nah, nah, nah. Crazy. Anyway. I wouldn't do it. I'd be like, that glass had a lipstick mark on.

Yeah, he has 10 euros. I'm taking 10 grand off your tip because that amalurgic lipstick, I could have died. I could have died. I'd hand over like 100 euros or whatever and be buzzing with it and be like, listen, that's all you stole, Shay. I'd have all it, right. What I would do is, right, I would somehow get all the 20 grand and I would put it on a big table at the beginning of the night and be like, listen, that's all you stole, Shay. I had a lovely time. I'd have all it, right, what I would do is, right,

I would somehow get all the 20 grand and I would put it on a big table at the beginning of the night and be like, this is your tip. But I'd treat it

like a million pound drop and any time anything gone wrong, I'd go, you've lost half the tip. Like, but the most, did you just sniff?

Did you just sniff while holding my bread? You've lost half the tip. I'd get Davina. This is not 37 degrees. I'd get Davina there. Oh, I'd be giving her a quid by the end.

I'd be buzzing. Yeah, that would be quite cool, wouldn't it? Where's me pad? Did you not put your salary pads in my wife's neck? You've lost half your tip. Do you want to hear some of these? Yes, of course. Right, this is number one. Some years ago, my captain, a deckhand

at the time, worked for a king on his yacht. And one day, it was on deck when the king shouted, shark, shark! And pointed at the water, where Oh my God. Oh my God! Oh my God! Oh my God! What? Funnily enough, isn't even convinced there was a shark in the water at all, as he had seen a pod of dolphins shortly beforehand nearby. Oh my God. What? What? What?

Sorry. I mean, if I was on that crew, I'd be shouting shark non-stop. There's another one. There's another one. Get his fucking kids in the water. Get them. Get them out there. You, get that fucking cardboard fin on your back.

Get that cardboard fin on your back and get over there right now. Get, scratch them. Take a fork. Take a fork from the dinner table and scratch their feet. Just their legs. Just a tiny bit of blood on that band.

Shut up, quick. There's your kids back and there is a Lamborghini catalogue. Oh my God. How do you... As well. Is it a bit dickish to go... When we're offered something,

when someone will say it to us, I remember once, it's not the same level, but I remember once I found a dog in the street and I took the dog to someone's house and they went, there's 40 quid for getting me a dog and they went, he has 40 quid, if I get me dog.

And I went, don't be daft, keep your 40 quid. Oh, did that offer you money? Yeah. I didn't know that. Well, of course, I went and keep your 40 quid.

I enjoyed walking your dog around looking for your house because I don't have a dog. What kind of a, I'm not saying the captain's a dickhead, but it's just like, you know, oh, you've saved my wife.

Here we go. Okay, listen, any car of your type, Range Rover Sport. Yeah. you know oh you've saved my wife here we go okay listen any car of your choice Range Rover Sport yeah didn't choose a 3 year old Clio did he me gratitude

honestly pick a Range Rover Sport yeah here's the link that one that colour tinted windows 22 inch alloys please

cheers mate fucking he's like yeah he chose a Range Rover Sport you can keep you can kill my wife. That's too much. She is worth a yaris at best. What would I get?

If someone saved you, what would they get? A fucking punch in the mouth. I could leave her in there. You kidding me? You'd literally be in the loo on the yacht checking the insurance it doesn't cover shocks honestly

I'd be like I'd come out with a carrier bag right and I'd go pick any car you want and the carrier bag would be Robbins Hot Wheels not the shiny one not that shiny one

you really like and not the ones where you pull it back and it goes itself one of the normal ones one of the B&M ones he gets in he's stuck in

get one of the ones that's amazing that is amazing there's more here do I know more I want to hear every single one of them as you can probably imagine

the chefs often cop the worst of it I've been asked for all sorts of crazy times of night waking up the chefs at 4am to make bone broth and burgers for hungry guests my chef was once asked to remove seeds from strawberries

when making a strawberry smoothie go and fuck off before then adding chai seeds well how do you say that chai chia or chai chai i think it's chai yeah i'm not bothered at this point that'll take all of the strawberry seeds seeds off the strawberries and and then add chai seeds to this smoothie. Dicks. That's so bad. Another friend of mine had to clean up a big food fight the guests had had, and they'd only used caviar.

Very rarely have I got nothing to say there, but I was just thinking about the mess that caviar would make. And not just that, how expensive it is. Obviously how expensive it is. Isn't caviar black on a white boat? Yeah. They don't give a shit. Caviar food.

Oh, that's just. Ready? That is the most ostentatiously, ridiculously wealthy thing to do. The boss of a girl I know was annoyed by a fly that was flying around him. So he had her chase it all day around his 90-meter yacht until she caught it and got rid of it. What's the matter? What's the matter?

That one I'm... I know what you're going to say. I know exactly. Guys, Rosie made me do exactly that yesterday in the living room. I came in the living room. You weren't well yesterday. And I came in the living room to give you a juice. And you went, there's a fly.

And I went, right. And you went, will you get it? And I had half an hour trying to get this fly. And I went, I can't. And you went, please, it's annoying us. And you are that guy. You're a worse version. That's the only one I can get behind.

Wow. As always, thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Maridonoid, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. Guys, thank you so much. As always, if you want to get in touch at week's episode of Shag Maradonoid, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. Guys, thank you so much. As always, if you want to get in touch at shagmaradonoid at gmail.com. Now, I know it's Friday. If you listen this Friday, tonight I'm at the Hammersmith Apollo solo show. Flying solo.

I'm riding solo. Solo. There's only a few tickets left, and then the Shag Maradonoid tour kicks off September. Nearly all the tickets are gone for September. A couple have been returned here and there, but not many. December tickets still available, and the paperback of the book is out now.

If hardbacks are too heavy and cumbersome for your little bag and your little delicate hands. I've also, I've just read an email that on the 7th of September, Kindle are doing a one-off little thing where you can get our book on the Kindle on the 7th of September for 99 pence

well I'm gonna be that's not bad is it fucking raging about that's worse that's worse than seeing it in the bargain bin in the fucking

in the petrol station I am raging about that someone's gonna get fired from somewhere honestly everyone's getting sacked bye guys bye rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation

night on saturday april 13th when the tor the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch

your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.