Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 133. The Iron Curtain

Episode Date: September 10, 2021

It’s been a tricky few days thanks to a temperamental curtain but the Ramsey’s are here to discuss their week, their beefs and your dirty laundry! There’s some mistaken identity, a cotton wool d...isappearance and some pregnancy advice, kind of.   Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Starting point is 00:00:55 at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag Round Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey. There he is. Was that actually Chrissy or Chris, or did you not know what to do with your name there? I thought it was a Chrissy. Chrissy. I haven't had a Chrissy for years.
Starting point is 00:01:14 When have you ever been called Chrissy? Back in the day when I used to play out in the street and stuff. Someone called you Chrissy? Chrissy, all the kids called us Chrissy. No, they didn't. Chrissy Ramsey. Yeah, they did. I've known a lot of Chrissies in my life and I've never thought
Starting point is 00:01:25 to call them Chrissy. Chrissy? Why, aye? What's wrong with that? I mean, there's nothing wrong with it. I've just never known it. How dare you?
Starting point is 00:01:32 You've got an E on the end. Rosie. Yeah, I know. Chris, I'm not slagging it off. I'm just saying I've never known any kids to call another Chris Chrissy. Nine-year-old me
Starting point is 00:01:40 is crying his eyes out so I hope you're proud of yourself. Well, good, you little twat. I bet you are. I know you were a twat when you were younger. Do you know what the worst nickname I got was? What?
Starting point is 00:01:48 Which was really bad. When I first got Rollerblades, I went to Toys R Us, rest in peace. There are millions of something all under one roof. It's called Toys R Us, Toys R Us, Toys R Us. Yeah, dead now. Is it known at all ever anyway? No, I think it's dead.
Starting point is 00:02:05 Shit. I think Smith's Toys strangled it and spat on its corpse. Well. I think that's, don't quote us directly on that, but I'm not a businessman. Listen, I'll have nothing said. I don't know how finances work. I'll have nothing bad said against Smith's.
Starting point is 00:02:21 Oh no, I love Smith's Toys. I bloody love Smith's, but I also love Toys R Us. But anyway. Was it, right, is Toys R Us. But anyway. Was it, right, is Toys R Us one of them things where, was it, does anyone remember going to Toys R Us as an adult and was it as fucking massive
Starting point is 00:02:32 as I remember it being as a kid? Because I just remember it being, like, outrageously big. I mean, Smiths toys is big, but that Toys R Us, specifically the one at the Metro Centre in the North East, sorry to cut out the rest of the country here,
Starting point is 00:02:43 it was ridiculous well have you never been as an adult I've been as an adult because it was there when Robin was born was it? yes because you could buy babies because I had babies of us you could buy babies? not actual babies sorry girl listen
Starting point is 00:02:58 hire one baby please yes of course you're in the market for a baby would you like a cry market for a baby would you like a cry out or a quiet one running shit or solid shit no sorry i don't sell babies i sell baby stuff well no because i i do remember this now yeah because no it was yeah it was quite big actually fair enough i think yeah i mean you are an idiot but that's fine fair enough yeah but i actually i do remember having a massive issue with the fact that
Starting point is 00:03:25 they called it toys are us because it's all toys toys are us and then babies are us it does sound like they sell babies yeah
Starting point is 00:03:31 I bet a few people were put off by that I bet a few people were caught out do you think yeah come in listen we've got the cot
Starting point is 00:03:38 we've got the prime and everything we've just come to pick a baby up well I reckon somebody's probably on their fourth kid and they thought
Starting point is 00:03:43 we could have another one we've got the spare room. I don't want to be pregnant. Let's just go to the shop. Pop in for a trade-in. Oh, swap them. Yeah. Swap sorrows.
Starting point is 00:03:51 Swap sees. Listen, this is probably really inappropriate. And we're talking about seven babies. What isn't? I know. What isn't these days? What isn't? Listen, all I'm saying is, it was like,
Starting point is 00:04:01 you know in the Matrix when he goes in. Oh, we're still doing it? Yeah. Right, okay, great. You know when he gets plugged in and he goes like, we need guns. And it's all white. And then the shelves just fucking fly in and there's millions of them. That's what Toys R Us was like.
Starting point is 00:04:12 Yeah. I think the guys who did the Matrix got the idea of that from Toys R Us. Absolutely not. It's Jefferies. Jefferies? There was the giraffe. I'm sure we've talked about this before. There's millions said Jefferies.
Starting point is 00:04:24 There's millions of Jefferies. There's the giraffe. I'm sure we've talked about this before. There's millions said Jeffrey. There's millions of Jeffries. There's not millions of Jeffries. There's millions said Jeffrey all under one roof was the lyrics. Oh, right. Because you famously don't know lyrics. There's millions said Jeffrey all under one roof. I mean, it's a terrible song.
Starting point is 00:04:36 You haven't even established that the giraffe's called Jeffrey. No, we all just have to guess. Millions of what, Jeffrey? You can't just say there's millions. No toys. I'll come in here. Yeah, but what? No babies.
Starting point is 00:04:50 Millions of babies. it's so loud so it's said jeffrey not millions of jeffreys i mean i'm sure i'm gonna get messages going it's not that for us he was right well why there's millions of jeffreys why is the millions of what he done cloned himself why is the millions of jeffreys it's really dark millions of that giraffe just standing there going all right i don don't like that. I don't know what noise giraffes make. Like this. Yeah, they do.
Starting point is 00:05:09 That's horrible. They're very tonguey. They're very tonguey. What was I going to say? I tell you what though, when that advert used to come on near Christmas, fuck me.
Starting point is 00:05:16 Oh, wet floor sign for little Rosie. That's inappropriate. That's inappropriate. I'm talking about little me. I can say that little me was dripping, but's inappropriate. That's inappropriate. I'm talking about Little Me. I can say that Little Me was dripping
Starting point is 00:05:27 but nobody else could. Little Me. Was it? I mean, that is, I'm so sorry. What's the matter? There's a magical place we're on our way there.
Starting point is 00:05:35 Toys in the millions all under one roof. It's called Toys R Us. Toys R Us. No, it would go, it's called. It's not Keiji. No, listen,
Starting point is 00:05:42 it would go, it was, because it would go, it's called Toys R Us. Then the voice would go it was because it would go then the voiceover would come in and tell you whatever was of the year
Starting point is 00:05:48 no Mr Frosty yeah it would be like yeah there's Mr Frosty there's Buzz Lightyear there's something else and then it would go there's millions said Geoffrey
Starting point is 00:05:55 all on the roof it's called Toast Rose so there you go so look we've cleared that up so tune in next week for we'll be going over the Coca-Cola ad
Starting point is 00:06:03 to bring the freshness back do the shaking back to bring the freshness back do the shaking back to bring the freshness back yeah Mr Frosty is such fun he makes treats for everyone pour the ice under his head
Starting point is 00:06:12 turn the handle just like that wow I don't remember that one fuck shite never worked plastic oh you had a Mr
Starting point is 00:06:18 of course you did Carl Hutchinson had one he's told us about it plastic to crush ice pull the other one I know fuck do you think this is?
Starting point is 00:06:25 You need metal. You need knives. Anyway. No, I know this is intro, but I don't care. What was your favourite toy ever when you were little? Bold question, that.
Starting point is 00:06:33 Favourite toy ever. Which one do you really remember playing with a lot? I was never the kid who had one thing that I carried around with. You know how some kids have a thing.
Starting point is 00:06:43 Why are you a little twat? Sorry, you only had one thing. Is that what with. You know how some kids have to be. Why a little twat? Sorry, you only had one thing. Is that what you're trying to... You love to paint your childhood like fucking Oliver Twist, don't you? Christ. You lived in King George Road. Your mum never stops banging on about that. She had a massive garden and a big house.
Starting point is 00:06:57 Mate, that's the reason we had no money. Because we lived in King George Flippin' Road. If we downsized a little bit... Probably rich cash poor. Absolutely. If we didn't live there... Oh, yeah, man. I'd haveize a little bit. Probably rich cash pool. Absolutely. If we didn't live there, oh, yeah, man, I'd be getting McDonald's
Starting point is 00:07:07 every other day. Brilliant. Anyway. I mean, I've seen photos of you when you were younger and the last thing you needed was a McDonald's every day. Wow.
Starting point is 00:07:13 Wow. Mrs. Hamster Cheeks. What was your favourite toy? Probably me action men, I would say so. Yeah. But I had loads of them. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:07:20 Yeah. And I recently said to my mum and dad, wouldn't it be great if we still had them for Robin? And he was like, yeah, I took them out. So, it's upsetting. Yeah, they've all gone. my mum and dad, wouldn't it be great if we still had them for Robin? And he was like, yeah, chuck them out. So, it's upsetting. Yeah, they're all gone.
Starting point is 00:07:27 Military muscle men. Brilliant. Gone. Military muscle men. Military muscle men. You could get them at the news agents at the nuke, which was really weird. Could you?
Starting point is 00:07:34 Yeah, yeah. My brother had them. Yeah, they were great. My favourite toy was, I had this doll that you would feed her and it was a spoon, right? And it had little bead things and you put the spoon in her mouth and it would disappear. I remember it had little little bead things and you put the spoon
Starting point is 00:07:45 in her mouth and it would disappear I remember it yeah pink beads yeah I remember the advert I think the little girls next door had that was it baby Annabelle
Starting point is 00:07:51 I don't know but you would you would basically press it on her lip and it would go and it would shoot up inside the spoon but it looked
Starting point is 00:07:56 rosy it looked like she'd ate it I was like this bane's eating what I'm giving her I'm the best little mum in the world and then I had a tiny tears doll, I think,
Starting point is 00:08:06 that you would squeeze water inside of them. So you'd put them in a bit of water. You'd squeeze their tummies so they're filled with water. And then they would just piss in that and cry real, real tears. And I like that one as well. Do you not think it's... I've often thought this, and I think it's massively sexist. I mean, thankfully, it's better now.
Starting point is 00:08:22 But do you not think back in the day it was massively sexist that I got action men and helicopters and military muscle men and you got practice for being a man. Yeah,
Starting point is 00:08:30 of course. Come on. Catch up. Catch up, Ramsey. It's been like that for years. But annoyingly,
Starting point is 00:08:36 it is better. Well, it depends how you're pairing. We never, and I won't with Rafe, I just,
Starting point is 00:08:42 I'm like, what do you want to play with? And I kind of let them choose and decide. But I do believe that children, and it is a sex thing, because Robin, he would never go and pick up a doll.
Starting point is 00:08:54 He never has. That's what we've done from the start. We've said, look, whatever you want to play with, you play with it. That's why he loves his little rattle full of ibuprofen and paracetamol, and his chainsaw loves them. They're his favourite toys.
Starting point is 00:09:04 Yeah, he does. Loves that toaster in the bath right that's a bit dark guys thank you so much for tuning in it is episode 133
Starting point is 00:09:11 133 and without further ado it is time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor is and it can fuck off
Starting point is 00:09:19 iron curtains oh hey tell you what oh hey hey you know when you go and watch a show in a theatre and they bring that big massive fucking iron curtain down that says
Starting point is 00:09:27 safety curtain on the front halfway through, you know sometimes they bring it down at the beginning and it doesn't go up! And you can't start your fucking tour! Can you? I didn't know we were going to talk about it. Yeah, we were meant to do Edinburgh. Two shows we were meant to do on, what day was it? Sunday?
Starting point is 00:09:44 Listen, why don't we play the jingle and we'll dig it out. Right, okay. Here's the jingle. Here we go. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Jing jingle. Jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba.
Starting point is 00:10:05 Jingle. Hello and welcome back to the episode where we slag off the Iron Curtains. Of the world. Yeah. We also have just flagged up as well, just during the jingle there, that we may have actually talked about Toys R Us before, but we can't fucking remember. I think we have, back in the day.
Starting point is 00:10:20 Cannot remember. Different stuff though. It's all good. So the Iron Curtain, huge apologies and massive thanks to everyone who was due to come to the Edinburgh shows at the beginning of the Shag Maradona
Starting point is 00:10:31 tour at the weekend. Apologies obviously because they didn't go ahead. It was totally out of our hands but massive thanks for being so fucking cool about it. Yeah, I was expecting a lot more
Starting point is 00:10:40 but everyone was lovely. Do you know why though? I know, Chris. Right. We've spoke about this so we got the message we only found out that the show
Starting point is 00:10:48 wasn't going to go ahead at like 3 o'clock in the morning well I got the message we got a message about it but it wasn't confirmed yeah thankfully we didn't read it
Starting point is 00:10:56 in the middle of the night I wouldn't have slept no and it didn't get confirmed until about 9 o'clock in the morning and then we put everything out so obviously we got told
Starting point is 00:11:04 and gutted first thing. I was like, oh, what? Why gutted? But then kind of like, okay. And you know why? Yeah. All we've dealt with for the last 18 months is disappointment.
Starting point is 00:11:18 Shit being cancelled, yeah. I genuinely think that everybody is just kind of like, we numb just numb to it we're numb to just to just being pissed off but what's mad is we managed to circumvent all of the pandemic bullshit because scotland still got slightly strict rules so we're still sort of masks indoors and stuff which is fine unless you know we wouldn't have them because we've been performing and whatever but we could at least get the shows to go ahead but apparently we were the we were due to be the first large scale indoor thing in the whole of scotland plus the first thing in that theater for 600 days
Starting point is 00:11:54 had to get proper sign off for the government to go ahead with it nicola sturgeon and all that went yeah go for it and then a fucking a curtain from the 1920s scarped on it, which is so bizarre. What happened? So the wench, one of the mechanisms... Winch. Winch. Not just some... Oh, wench.
Starting point is 00:12:12 The fucking wench who works there didn't bloody grease it up, did she? Said, oh, you daft wench. The winch. The winch. The winch. Apparently winches it back up. Jesus Christ. Yeah, so...
Starting point is 00:12:24 Lovely ladies. By the way, if there was also due to be something spurious, like a fucking BF festival that day, that was also to be a big event or something. I don't know about that. All I know is that ours was supposed to be. So don't be emailing us or messaging us
Starting point is 00:12:38 saying actually it wasn't the first big event. There was a dog show at such and such. I didn't know. All I'm calling is off what I've been told. It's rescheduled for the 5th of December, which'm calling is off what I've been told it's rescheduled for the 5th of December which do you know what the fact that it's still this year
Starting point is 00:12:49 I'm really happy about because I was terrified I was like well when are we going to do it again I was like right 2023 when is it going to happen again so 5th of December
Starting point is 00:12:57 we'll be there we really hope to see you all there but obviously we completely understand it's been rescheduled so many times if you can't you can Yeah. If you can't, you can't get childcare,
Starting point is 00:13:06 you can't get the time of work. We are, all we can do is apologise. It was completely out of our hands and just such, such shitty luck. Yeah. I mean,
Starting point is 00:13:14 we got, we got buzzing, didn't we? We were there. We went to Edinburgh, got a little buzzing with tits off, really ready to go. And so,
Starting point is 00:13:21 yeah, anyway, what can you do? These things, these things are sent to try us we went into the auditorium and looked at how
Starting point is 00:13:28 beautiful it was that was a mistake look at all this three tiers three thousand seats I was like oh my god three and a half thousand I think
Starting point is 00:13:34 but Silver Linen 5th of December Edinburgh at Christmas time is fucking magical it'll be great don't they have the
Starting point is 00:13:43 market there the nice market it's gonna be lush everyone will come stinking of bloody breakfasts and all kinds of whatever they call it and
Starting point is 00:13:50 everyone on Sunday just went out on the piss all day because we got selfies galore sent by people in pubs so there we go
Starting point is 00:13:58 so sorry out of our hands but the tour will start on Wednesday this week in Newcastle Arena. Very excited.
Starting point is 00:14:06 Yeah, I know. Well, I mean, they're fucking better. Have they got an Iron Curtain? They've got six. No, I'm joking. No, I know that one. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef?
Starting point is 00:14:18 Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Ladies first, what's your beef? Okay, so my beef. I don't really even know if it's with you. I don't know how to describe this. All right then, well, that's upsetting. Well, it's a bit situational. So you've got a very short attention span.
Starting point is 00:14:32 I don't know if people know that. Yes. I don't know if it's a comedian thing or whether it's just a you thing. I think it might be just a me thing. Okay. I mean, famously on the set of Heaven, I was like a child
Starting point is 00:14:42 because there's a lot of... When there's a lot of waiting around, if I've got something to to do i don't have a short attention span but when you have to get when i've just got to sit somewhere yeah and not do anything especially a theater or a movie set with or a film set where there's stuff to play with yeah i'm like a five year old okay so here this this brings me on to my whole beef right okay so we went to the theater on sunday in edinburgh because we thought you know what we're not doing the show we might as well still rehearse the guys could do all of the tech sort of stuff a bit more there's always there's always tittering on to do behind the scenes so
Starting point is 00:15:14 anyway we went there and it was quite a long day because with tech stuff it always takes a bit longer nine hours yeah we were there for nine hours we're sitting there for nine hours behind a big fucking curtain with no light by the way yeah pitch darkness so chris obviously it's it's very boring it's very tedious um chris gets a little bit you know distracted started playing around and doing stuff and it was at this point that i just got really embarrassed because our team big like management team had come from london and our producer producer Robin and everyone was there and at one point I heard them having a very serious discussion
Starting point is 00:15:47 and they all just said to each other we need to hurry up we're losing Chris we're losing Chris and they were really serious about it they were like
Starting point is 00:15:56 we're losing him we're losing Chris and I just looked at you and I was like you're my husband you're a 35 year old man I'm married to you and there's other adults who are talking about
Starting point is 00:16:06 you like you like you're a child like we're losing him we're losing him he's not going to be here for much longer right we need to wrap it up guys i was so embarrassed yes so um was it at the point uh when did they think they were losing us was it at the point that i was climbing up the ladders no or was it at the point where i got on the little wheelie box it was then so guys i found a little black wheelie box it was like it's like a miniature coffin with wheels on really smooth wheels so i've discovered that in the dark you couldn't really see his line on it it was only about a foot off the floor but i had amazing wheels on so i was hiding behind a curtain and then sprinting and jumping on it and doing like a superman across the floor it looked like i was flying from like two feet that's when they said guys it was great i did i did breaststroke on it
Starting point is 00:16:45 i did back crawl i did front crawl uh just good old-fashioned family fun um listen i know i'm a bit of a prick but i'm not a diva because what my point is if i was a diva and i was going to kick off and be nightmaid they wouldn't be able to say it out loud we're losing chris they'd have to do it quietly because they'd be like he's going to kick off he's going to be i just get fucking bored and start pissing about but it's's just... Just be a mature adult. I got bored. I can't do it. I can't...
Starting point is 00:17:08 Nine fucking hours. Nine hours sitting there while someone... The lights were flashing constantly. Bits of music were kicking in non-stop. I heard Babadoo Ba about fucking 700 times. I'd had my gig taken away from us. I still had pent-up energy from Apollo on Friday. Big love to anyone who came to Apollo, by the way.
Starting point is 00:17:23 One of the best gigs of my life. I was just bored. And do you know what? They did at one point. The moment when I got a little bit embarrassed was the moment when Yusuf and Lee from our management team came and said, shall we take you outside for some fresh air? And I was so embarrassed I actually said, do you have poo bags?
Starting point is 00:17:40 Awful. Awful. See, I've said this before. I knew this happened but I was never there now I'm there to witness it and I think they just look at me like
Starting point is 00:17:50 oh love you're right I'm like anyway what do you beef with me come on well my beef with you great
Starting point is 00:17:59 thanks for asking right because listen right mine might I might be annoying but that's good good clean family fun I was providing a service there you're sitting there bored i'm i look like i'm swimming one foot off the floor levitating through the darkness back and forward i'm bloody breaking
Starting point is 00:18:11 oh putting my life in danger to entertain all you guys you that shouldn't be the beef that should have been a massive thank you no nobody was really watching they were all watching what's your beef with me they were worried i was going to knock something over and break something. Now, my beef with you, this morning, this morning. No. How do I do this? How do I organise this beef properly, narratively? Yes. Last week, I phoned the guy I know, the gas and heating engineer,
Starting point is 00:18:40 who was installing the stoves in our house. Fires. Yeah, changing the log burners, right? I, last week, said, they can start that on Monday, Rosie. And you said, fantastic, get it done, because it's going to be winter soon. And I said, no problem.
Starting point is 00:18:56 Now, this morning, I got up and said, the blokes are coming in a minute to do the log burners. And you turned around and said, and I quote, you don't half pick your weeks, Chris. Yeah. Why they're coming today? Because you fucking greenlit it last week, Rosie. Oh, but last week.
Starting point is 00:19:11 You maniac. Last week was last week. I asked you, but these people are going to be booked in, Rosie. I live day to day, Chris. I don't ever know what I'm doing or how I feel. You told me last week, yes, get it done, get it done, get it done.
Starting point is 00:19:23 I know, but you love it, right? Okay. You do it all the time. No, it was bloody, we'd had a lie-in because we've had a really hectic sort of week and then it was 9 o'clock
Starting point is 00:19:31 this morning, I was making a coffee, I had an eight bra on and out and you're like, oh, there's loads of men here to fit the fucking fire and I'm like, well, great.
Starting point is 00:19:39 So how am I going to walk past them in the hallway with me fucking nips hanging out and see through bloody... And I just get so annoyed. You do it all the time.
Starting point is 00:19:49 Tell us. Tell us at half past eight. I was asleep. So, Rosie, there's about six men going to come round shortly. You might want to put a bra on. Okay. Okay, right. A couple of things I've got to point out to you.
Starting point is 00:20:01 That's all I want to know. A couple of things. There's only two men. There's only two men. So that's bullshit. Well, the a couple of things there's only two men there's only two men so that's bullshit well the loud loud right
Starting point is 00:20:08 so that shows me that shows me you didn't know how many men there were so you've never actually seen them so they kept themselves to themselves I've seen two of them so that's fair enough
Starting point is 00:20:16 so you've seen both of them I've seen both of them okay well we all it falls apart you've seen 100% of the men and the men have probably seen 100% of me so that's great well brings up my second part right
Starting point is 00:20:27 put some effort around the house why why the blokes why are the blokes more special than me why do they get good treatment why am i gonna see udders hanging around i'll have you know those are dead have provided absolutely nothing for our children shit did say it first
Starting point is 00:20:49 you twat it's a great word it is isn't it great word babadoo babadoo babadoo bab it's time for questions from the public
Starting point is 00:20:59 cues from the peeps and the chews with the do's and the um the loos with all of the beos. Very good. Thank you.
Starting point is 00:21:07 Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, it's shagmarionoid at gmail.com. Please continue to send your lovely, lovely input because we love it. Thank you. Also, no, like you said, did you say this last week? If you come to the tour and you want to send one specifically. Oh, yeah. Put the, because I'm going through them now. Oh, yeah, yeah.
Starting point is 00:21:24 Oh, yeah, okay. If you want, yeah. Put where you're coming. I mean, it's got to be good, though. Don't send any shite. specifically oh yeah put the because I'm going through them now oh yeah yeah oh yeah okay if you want yeah put where you're coming I mean it's gotta be it's gotta be good though don't send any shite oh don't say that send good stuff
Starting point is 00:21:30 no just send whatever and we'll decide what's shite and what's not oh Chris I'm not being horrible some of them are like oh my friend and she went to the park and someone said
Starting point is 00:21:39 hey you're here again and she was so embarrassed and I'm like oh okay I'll stop at what point I'll stop sending them in i'm sorry i thought that was a very good anecdote at what point was ask her took into a vagina into a vagina you'd know you'd know it was took into a vagina chris i'm just no chris listen spitballing spitballing um disgusting speaking of good questions okay i've got one here It's not a question I don't know why we call it a question
Starting point is 00:22:06 They're never questions It's been named It's fine It was so popular the government stole it during the briefings They really did The wankers
Starting point is 00:22:11 Public Public Public Come on Hi Chris and Rosie Hello Just listening to episode 131 when the lass drank out
Starting point is 00:22:20 of her hot water bottle and it broke back a memory Disgusting that like I know I sniffed a hot water bottle the other day and it's vile
Starting point is 00:22:27 it's like a radiator it's like drinking out of a radiator yeah they're really awful I mean best inventions ever I love a hot water bottle
Starting point is 00:22:35 scared of them I always think they're going to burst I don't like them I don't trust them they're really thick I've never known
Starting point is 00:22:39 of a hot water bottle that burst I don't trust them I don't trust them I feel like the top could come off I feel like the top could come off. I feel like the thing, the screw.
Starting point is 00:22:46 They're screwed in really well. I get frightened. Can we just talk about how filling a water, filling a hot water bottle is one of the most nervous moments of your life. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:22:54 It's terrifying. It is horrible. We used to have one of them boiler taps in our old house and you'd turn it on and the boiler would go and it would fill the hot water bottle with like steam.
Starting point is 00:23:02 Yeah. Oh, it was horrible. I really miss our boiler tap. First world problem. Do you? No. Oh, a kettle because i realized i realized recently a kettle is also a big jug brilliant brilliant invention yeah that's just there it's just there big jug big jug we fill a coffee machine up big jug yeah we fill the uh tommy tippy tommy tippy perfect perfect prep machine big jug you're right actually it's a big jug it's always on hand for you
Starting point is 00:23:27 and then if you want hot water in it it fucking does that as well mate and actually yeah our new kettle is shit hot it doesn't take that long to boil
Starting point is 00:23:32 starts making the noise immediately yeah okay then listen take it back just listening to episodes when they last drank out of a hot water bottle a broad bracket of memory
Starting point is 00:23:39 when I was younger I used to have a guinea pig cage in my bedroom and if I woke up thirsty in the night... Fuck off. I would drink the guinea pig's water... That. ...rather than go to the bathroom next door for a drink.
Starting point is 00:23:53 That is fucking dreadful. That is dreadful. Do you know what it is, though? That's dreadful. It's awful, isn't it? I feel really bad for the guinea pigs. The guinea pigs they're in the morning
Starting point is 00:24:05 just parched like it's had a kebab with garlic sauce and a night out looking over at that lass with a bottle on the side of her bed
Starting point is 00:24:14 going yeah bitch question did she take it off and unscrew the thing absolutely I think that's what she's done or did she
Starting point is 00:24:22 no roll her ball in it it's like a giant ballpoint pen isn't it you've got to push the ball in no I don't what she's done. Or did she... No, roll her ball in it. You know the little... It's like a giant ballpoint pen, isn't it? You've got to push the ball in. No, I don't think she's done it. Brilliant invention. Or, how lush is it watching a little animal drink out one of them bottles? No, it is.
Starting point is 00:24:34 I'm sorry. Perfect. We used to have rabbits and I used to sit and watch them just drink out the bottles. Yeah, so they just lick the thing in and the water comes out. Yeah, it's great. Never thought about drinking it. I also thought they might get their little tongues caught in it. No, they never did.
Starting point is 00:24:44 No kidding. Robin's after a hamster at the minute. Oh my God, the men brought the fucking stove in today. never thought about drinking it I also thought I'd get their little tongues caught in it no they never did no kidding Robin's after a hamster at the minute oh my god the men brought the fucking stove in today I haven't even told you this why do you keep calling it a stove
Starting point is 00:24:52 it's a log burner it's not a fucking stove are you really irritating us calling it a stove a stove is like an oven that you cook in they're called log burners they're not called
Starting point is 00:25:01 fucking stoves can you stop calling them stoves? So what's the difference? What do you mean, what's the difference? What makes it a stove? They are installing domestic log burners, like fires. Yeah. A stove is an old-fashioned name for an oven that you put food in.
Starting point is 00:25:21 But I... Right. But I could... Just stop calling it a stove. You're telling me I could make some toast on that you probably could but it's not stove then no it's not
Starting point is 00:25:27 stop it's not a stove you're really upsetting us with this why have you got stove in your brain I'm sure I'm sure that stove's American oh look hey
Starting point is 00:25:35 hey I'll tell you what oh no just stop it you've said it a few times and I let it slide no you said it earlier on and I was like look at him right okay
Starting point is 00:25:41 he's calling it a stove stop it stop it now enough now enough no come on come on enough's enough we've all had a bit of fun it's like look at him right okay uh he's calling stove stop it stop it now enough now you know no come on come on enough's enough we've all had a bit of fun it's not a stove honestly twitter twitter's gonna be all over you because i guarantee you can also call it a stove i bet you can oh i'm getting a bit cold you want the stove on yes please no i don't call this stove what's going on oh do on? Let's get romantic.
Starting point is 00:26:05 I'll just, I'll just, I'll put a couple of logs on the stove. Shut up. It's a fire. All right. It's a log burner. Slash fire.
Starting point is 00:26:12 Slash. Have we swapped roles this week? Okay, man. It's just really irritating you calling it a stove. I don't even want to tell you what happened anymore. I want to know
Starting point is 00:26:18 what I'm intrigued. The two blokes are bringing in. So Robin went to walk into the living room and there's just sheets over everything. He was like, he did that funny thing
Starting point is 00:26:26 where he looks and then falls on the ground as if he's fainted why is he so so dramatic so ridiculous so he looked and was like
Starting point is 00:26:32 and just fell onto the deck and I was like oh the men are installing the log burner what did you call it he went do you mean stove daddy I went I do yeah and they brought it in
Starting point is 00:26:43 and obviously it's heavy as hell and they're bringing it in on a wheel thing and I went look these men are bringing it in and he went is heavy as hell and they're bringing it in on a wheel thing and I went look what these men are bringing in and he went is it a hamster? oh god a fucking hamster I don't know how heavy he thinks hamsters are
Starting point is 00:26:51 but two blokes were bringing it in on a trolley is it the fattest hamster in the world? the world's fattest hamster no he's desperate for a hamster and honestly no he's not getting one nah it's too much them fish are causing me
Starting point is 00:27:04 all world have hurt them fish like i'm fed up we used to have we had a hamster well i've talked about loads we had one that ate its babies and then we had another one called rusty that actually one time fell down the back of our dressing table i caught it by its little paw right and then it fell to the floor and my sister kate i know you're listening to this you horrible bitch bitch. She told me that when I did that, when I took, I took like days off its life. Days.
Starting point is 00:27:29 And she was like, you have took four days off Rusty's life. And I cried and everything. I was gutted. It was so nasty. Four days. I remember that vividly.
Starting point is 00:27:38 So your case, like he was going to die on February the 24th and now he's going to die on February the 20th. Yeah, it was pretty much like that. You've took, and you know,
Starting point is 00:27:47 you see you didn't have a sibling. At times we could be, we could be horrible to each other. Yeah. Like really, and she was like, you've took days of its life. Wow.
Starting point is 00:27:56 By grabbing its leg. Oh my, by doing that and then dropping him. Days. And I was like. What did you do with him when he died? Did you bury him in the garden
Starting point is 00:28:05 or did you put him on the stone I don't remember what we did actually we weren't very big on burials and all that oh your family oh I don't even know
Starting point is 00:28:16 he probably went in the kitchen bin he probably went if I know your family the poor little bugger probably literally honestly he probably went
Starting point is 00:28:24 in a bit of foil with half a fucking finished tuna sandwich in and into the bin. I guarantee it. He was very stiff. I do remember poking him with a pencil the day he died. God. He was stiff as a board. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever?
Starting point is 00:28:45 Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. bull it's all you know don't the first omen i believe the girl is to be the mother mother
Starting point is 00:29:27 is the most terrifying 666 is the mark of the devil movie of the year the first omen in theaters friday get tickets now rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.
Starting point is 00:30:10 Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Dear Chris and Rosie, hope you're well. I just heard last week's podcast about the flaccid penis in France on the nude beach. Crikey. Do you remember that? No, I can't. Don't make me then. Wow, what a headline.
Starting point is 00:30:22 I do not remember that at all. The flaccid penis in France on the nude beach I mean, I hope it was flaccid I mean, surely in public it would have been Jesus Who knows, anyway, this has reminded them of this story Brilliant So there we go
Starting point is 00:30:35 I told you I've gone back quite far Take a back now, y'all Take a back to the questions My boyfriend's 70-year-old dad, named Phil, who loves to travel had just arrived back From a trip to Jordan And decided to show myself My boyfriend
Starting point is 00:30:49 And his elderly dad Who was visiting from the care home Some holiday snaps Sorry What? 70-year-old dad Has travelled And has his elderly dad still
Starting point is 00:30:59 Yeah, yeah, yeah Gee whiz I had kids young man Craigie So his dad might be like 90 Probably, yeah Wow Yeah Fair play yeah yeah yeah gee whiz i had kids young man crazy his dad so his dad might be like 90 probably yeah wow yeah fair play that's just yeah i just didn't expect that okay carry on um it was a trip he loved so much that he decided the small iphone screen would not quite cut it they had also
Starting point is 00:31:20 recently bought a huge new tv and decided to plug his phone into it so we could get a wide screen view of petra oh no sorry i mean i'm sure you had a lovely time but you are absolutely not coming to my house no matter who you are and putting your holiday photos on my big telly there is literally no i'm you know what i'm not even gonna look at your phone like tell us it was good that's about it. When my dad comes up and tries to show me a photo on his phone, I am instantly the most bored I've ever been in my life.
Starting point is 00:31:50 Have you recently been around your dad when he's got his phone on him? Right, why? His WhatsApp group is absolutely shocking. Oh, it's on fire, isn't it? Yeah. Constantly. Constantly going off.
Starting point is 00:32:01 Is it the golf labs? It's his mates, yeah. It's his mates. Awful. And he doesn't put it on silent, so it's just like... Yeah, just binging constantly. Still got his clicks on when he types.
Starting point is 00:32:10 Fucking awful. It's like sitting next to a 1920s secretary. Just... Oh, God. My dad's the same. My dad's social life is amazing. And he comes around here, and his mate will ring him,
Starting point is 00:32:21 and he'll be on the phone to his mate, but he's getting loud, and I'm just like, what? Dad, like, go out the room. And what's your friend ringing you for? Yeah. Why are you ringing?
Starting point is 00:32:30 Like, you're an old man. Wow. What's your mate ringing you for? Wow. So old men aren't allowed to have their friends ring them. You absolute bitch. No, I'm sorry. I just, it's like, it's like where parents have reverted back to being teenagers.
Starting point is 00:32:43 Well, that's a crack. Well, they've got no, they've got no they've got no responsibilities anymore so they're just what it is send each other stupid memes and that yeah oh it's when it's when me dad gets some kind of meme off his mates and goes look at this isn't this great and it's literally something i saw on the internet months before and i'm like i've seen it and he's like how eddie's just sent us it and i'm like eddie didn't fucking create that and take that photo that's that's called a meme that's just oh it doesn't fucking matter turn your clicks off you my mom does it all the time oh my mom recently showed us a video and i didn't say it at the
Starting point is 00:33:18 time but i'll dig her out on here um and it was of two lads sick of it yeah she showed me i held me i held me it was two lads right and of it. Yeah, she showed me it. I held my tongue. I held my tongue. It was two lads, right? And basically, they've edited this video together where they're chasing after each other, but they're like in the house, and then they go somewhere else, and they're playing Tig, and she's like,
Starting point is 00:33:31 isn't that amazing? How funny. And I'm like, mum, that'll have took them about three weeks to film that. Yeah, well, she's going, look at them, they're just running around after each other,
Starting point is 00:33:38 isn't it hilarious? Look how far they're taking this. It's like, you might have seen it. It's very impressive. Yeah. They're trying to play Tig, and they're running into different rooms, but the camera's always set up. Yeah. And then at the end, they're in the beach, they're running into the sea, and she's like, you might have seen it. It's very impressive. They're trying to play a tig and they're running into different rooms, but the camera's always set up.
Starting point is 00:33:45 And then at the end, they're in the beach, they're running into the sea and she's like, look at them running into the sea. And I'm like, they had to set the camera up every time, you fucking idiot.
Starting point is 00:33:53 This is a... It's like you're splitting the rubble. I'm like, mum, do you know this isn't... Do you think Avengers is a documentary? Like, it was made. What the hell's about with you yeah but I couldn't
Starting point is 00:34:06 there's nothing there's nothing more and you know you feel it yourself as well you know when you show someone a video and they don't think it's great
Starting point is 00:34:12 it's fucking it's like they've slagged your kids off I know yeah it really is it's like they've gone your kids ugly like you take it
Starting point is 00:34:17 really personally so I just went oh that's great that and then I just you know came out and mourned for the fucking four minutes I would never get
Starting point is 00:34:23 back of my life not just that it's the fact that It was really long. I'll give you this though. Here's one for you, right? I'm not being ageist here. But when mums or granddads. I'm already called me dad old.
Starting point is 00:34:32 So am I as well. When mums or granddads or older relatives or whatever are going to show you something on their phone, they go, have you seen this? And they come up to you and they put the phone up to you before they found the fucking video. So they go, have you seen this? Oh, where is it? it and you've got not only do you have to watch the video you've got to stand there while they find the fucking thing are you mountains of fucking whatsapps and are
Starting point is 00:34:55 you not just automatically gutted though when it happens yeah look at this look at this i just go ever someone tries to show me anything on their phone i'm automatically devastated i'm automatically absolutely devastated and i know that's so bad but i'm like no like no he's seen this i i've seen it do you know what it is no i guarantee i've seen it or i don't want to see it oh absolutely got it and i wonder why i've got no mates no i do i mean you have which always surprises me three so sorry back to this. Yeah. Apologies. So, Big Telly.
Starting point is 00:35:29 So, Mr. fucking me, me, me, me, me has put his phone onto the Big Telly to show everyone his fucking holiday photos. I'm sorry, the prick. Carry on. No, I've had enough. Fuck him. Fuck him, man. Stop it.
Starting point is 00:35:39 It hasn't even got that far. You don't know that. All he's done is go on holiday and he's shown them the picture. He's got the bloody Orcs cable man and plugged it into the big telly man like he's blimmin' been to the moon. Fucking arsehole.
Starting point is 00:35:51 I hate him. It also says, I should mention that my boyfriend happened to leave the room at this moment. Probably because he hates holiday photos as much as Chris. Yeah. As Phil plugged his laptop
Starting point is 00:36:02 into their crisp 4K TV, I was hit with the sight of around 12 thumbnail photos of his balls. Oh my God. Trying not to make him embarrassed, I grabbed my phone and started to scroll Instagram pretending I didn't see, while he shouted, Don't look a minute! So he's funny.
Starting point is 00:36:27 It serves you right for getting your and you've just said laptop as well it's not even his phone he's coming he's got his laptop he's done it from his laptop to the
Starting point is 00:36:32 cameras he's put his photos onto the laptop then he's brought his laptop around he's plugging the lead in and yeah you know what it serves you right
Starting point is 00:36:38 your bollocks are up there for all to see 4k he's saying don't look a minute all while his 98 year old dad yeah poor bastard, sat looking blankly at the screen.
Starting point is 00:36:48 He obviously couldn't believe his eyes either. After some struggle in seeing the photos enlarge in and out of full screen out of the corner of my eye, all whilst I tried to act distracted chatting about things on Instagram. Ooh, my friend Becky just had a baby, etc, etc. Why is he on a slideshow of his
Starting point is 00:37:06 bollocks? Why is there a slideshow of his bollocks accessible on his laptop? Well, you'll find out. Finally,
Starting point is 00:37:14 he managed to open up his photos of Jordan. Thank God. Eventually, it was just a bloke called Jordan's photos
Starting point is 00:37:20 of his balls. These are my balls. These are Jordan's balls. These are Terry's balls. Eventually, my boyfriend came back in to join us whilst we looked
Starting point is 00:37:27 through the holiday pics. The whole time in a slight daze at what had just happened. Eventually Phil closed the holiday album where again the 12 thumbnail sized photos of his balls sat covering the screen. My boyfriend shouted, Dad what the fuck?
Starting point is 00:37:46 The same enlarged, minimalised panic happened again until finally he pulled out the lead at the mains. I've hurt me back.
Starting point is 00:37:57 I just like, like threw me head back laughing there and I've pulled him and he's not summing me back. Are you okay? I'm sort of okay.
Starting point is 00:38:03 Are you alright? I've actually really hurt myself. Oh don't Chris, no have you actually okay I'm sort of okay are you alright I've actually really oh don't Chris no have you actually I'm alright I'm alright it might be trap wind oh for god's sake don't pull a muscle
Starting point is 00:38:10 we need to know the whole world needs to know why this man has got it turns out he had been taking photos to send to his doctor thank god for that but all is well
Starting point is 00:38:17 I assumed that yeah oh my god oh I just love that oh don't oh hang on don't. Oh, hang on. Don't look at it.
Starting point is 00:38:26 Oh, you did that, by the way. I mean, you spoke about that. You did. You took photos of your ball. No, you took, you took photos of Rafe's rash for the doctor on my phone because it must have been on,
Starting point is 00:38:35 you must have been on the phone and the doctor said, and I didn't know. I was on the train looking through my photos and baby balls popped up on my phone. That was fun.
Starting point is 00:38:41 That was 30 seconds of panic. Just thought, because you're missing the pains, you should miss all of the pains. But I was sat right next to the bit where they make the tea and coffee so they're standing up behind us and i had to like literally push it towards the window i was like what the hell everyone's got dodgy photos of the kids bits on their phone you have now because you gotta send them to the doctor yeah righty oh man it's just 12 thumbnails of his balls wonderful hi ramses i never heard the lady equivalent of a hard-on being called a Oh, man, it's just 12 thumbnails of his balls. Wonderful. That's lovely. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.
Starting point is 00:39:05 Hi, Ramses. I never heard the lady equivalent of a hard-on being called a wide-on until the podcast. Just a little sample of the education we're bringing to the nation there. Just anything else you want to know, shabbymynordyjima.com, you know. Drop us a line.
Starting point is 00:39:20 So, eternal thanks for the lingo. You're welcome. Eternal thanks. You are more than welcome. Last year, I started playing cricket for my local ladies team. However, leading to our match debrief yesterday when one of the older team members described herself repeatedly as getting a wide and I had to keep a straight face.
Starting point is 00:39:45 Hi, Rosie and Chris I work at the dentist And a patient once swallowed A cotton wool roll hole What? A cotton wool roll hole What's a cotton wool roll? So you know when they put them
Starting point is 00:39:56 Above your teeth I've never had anything done At the dentist Oh Just throwing that out there When you go to the dentist They put like cotton wool in To kind of soak up the stuff
Starting point is 00:40:05 right saliva yeah saliva sorry stuff the juice he spunks in your mouth and then he puts cotton wool in to soak up the spunk
Starting point is 00:40:14 oh stop okay so a patient has swallowed one whole like a Marlon Brando they put it in yes come to me on the day
Starting point is 00:40:22 of my daughter's wedding you asked me to do minor. And then I cannot do. Yeah, okay. Push me in a pulling bag game. Different actor. Al Pacino says that
Starting point is 00:40:30 in number three. God, you make me fool yourself. What a fool of you. You are honestly, I'm embarrassed. But that might be because Is it the same film though?
Starting point is 00:40:39 It's Godfather 3 says that. But I've never let you watch Godfather 3 because it doesn't exist in my opinion. Oh, because it's shite. Cock-a-poo.
Starting point is 00:40:47 So why do I know? I know that from The Sopranos. Yeah. Paul Euston. Anyway, listen. The dentist. Silvio Dante used to do that. You just keep getting stuff wrong
Starting point is 00:40:56 and I can't leave it. Who's Paul Euston? Paul Euston is a different character. Silvio Dante was the one who did all of the Godfather impressions. Stop talking because all it's going to be is me correcting you for stuff because you had me earlier on with stove so if you think i'm letting you slip on anything you're honestly it's like a fascist regime up in
Starting point is 00:41:12 here for me now i'm all over you like a fucking sleeping bag come on stove what kind of name oh no that's our bridesmaid steve i've never seen bridesmaids you're fucking dead to me the dentist was looking for it and he said oh sorry I swallowed it just cotton wool
Starting point is 00:41:31 just swallowed it yeah we couldn't understand how he managed it me and the other dental nurses were tested out to see if we could
Starting point is 00:41:37 none of us managed it so they all tried to swallow the cotton wool balls how did it come out? Clever though.
Starting point is 00:41:46 You swallow cotton wool, it wipes your bum on the way out. Well, yeah. Clever. Wow. Clever. Maybe that's what we should all be doing. Let's just say now that we do not encourage that at all, because I can't be bothered with a lawsuit.
Starting point is 00:41:58 Cotton-headed ninny muggins. Cotton-headed ninny muggins. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Chris and Rosie, brackets, especially Rosie. I mean, is there any need for that? No, no, because it's more, oh, excuse me? It's because it's about pregnancy. Oh, okay, sorry.
Starting point is 00:42:15 Dear Chris and Rosie, brackets, especially Rosie. I recently found out that I am four weeks pregnant. Congratulations. And as it's summer and everything is coming out of lockdown, sorry, this was a little while ago. I need an excuse. I'm usually the life and soul of the party and I have weddings, barbecues and birthdays
Starting point is 00:42:32 galore coming soon. What was Rosie's cover up for not drinking? We just used to tell everyone that you had because they were used to it, that you had chlamydia again and you weren't on antibiotics. No we... Wow. Imagine being really open about though I'm used to it, that you had chlamydia again and you were on antibiotics. No, we... Did you tell people that?
Starting point is 00:42:46 Oh, no. Imagine that. Wow. Imagine being really open about chlamydia again, antibiotics. Yeah. We didn't see anyone.
Starting point is 00:42:54 I can't remember what we did with Robin, but we didn't see anyone during the week. I think I definitely used an antibiotic trick a couple of times. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:43:01 Maybe just like trying to be good, trying to lose weight type thing nowadays though I'm not being funny you could get away with it by just
Starting point is 00:43:08 having non-alcoholic stuff and putting it in a glass and then no one's gonna ask depends on it sometimes like my mates sometimes and you go on a night out with them
Starting point is 00:43:15 they're militant in making sure you're getting your drinks down like a parent making sure you're getting your fluids on holiday yeah our friendship group
Starting point is 00:43:23 you finish that one we'll finish it all before you have the next one longer top like crying their eyes out and freaking out and my my mates are like that and uh because we don't go out that often yeah if we go out and you go oh i'm not drinking it's like what yeah sorry what it's bizarre and then and then like and i've done it as well i take like personal offense yeah i'm like you're not drinking well why why are you here why have you come isn't that bad that's bad that is bad i know a lot of people you're not drinking but it's the 20th anniversary of the day i learned to join up writing come on it's a special occasion i know a lot of people at the minute who've packed
Starting point is 00:44:01 in drinking i'm not surprised with 18 months apart well I think yeah I think everyone went a little bit crazy recently and to be honest I think it's good to have a little bit time off yeah because just
Starting point is 00:44:11 I know I was pregnant but having those nine months off alcohol yeah with Rafe recently has actually made me cut down
Starting point is 00:44:19 drinking we don't drink half as much as we used to I only have a couple a day and then I'm done well I mean a couple a day that's not great a couple a day and then I'm done I don't drink a couple a have a couple of days and then I'm done well I mean couple of days that's not great
Starting point is 00:44:26 couple of days and then I'm done I don't drink a couple of days I genuinely can go like three or four days without a drink now which is good good for me so I think it is good
Starting point is 00:44:34 to tone it back every now and again well done but as far as excuses I don't know just say no I'm not drinking and then if they say why not say excuse me
Starting point is 00:44:43 nosy bitch keep your you'll lose a lot of friends yeah your baby shower's going to be sparse call everyone who asks a nosy bitch it's going to be a baby shower no I'm not no you've been really really really a brazier for the past few months
Starting point is 00:44:58 I mean it makes sense now but still the damage is done babadoo babadoo babadoo hi guys hi guys hi guys huge fan of the podcast and ticker holder for your tour.
Starting point is 00:45:07 That has given me something to very much look forward to. Hope it wasn't Edinburgh. Hope it wasn't Edinburgh. Thank you very much. Hopefully there'll be no iron curtains. Is there any more iron curtains at any of the venues?
Starting point is 00:45:17 I depends on the venue. Manchester Opera House will definitely have one. I've got a funny feeling there's going to be a lot of iron curtain based emails sent by our manager. I so i think so yes yes yes um hello just after i had taken my gcses i went on holiday to kefalonia with my parents and my boyfriend of about a year okay i can only describe him as having the looks and personality of simon from the in betweeners
Starting point is 00:45:41 but the charisma of jay Got you. Okay. Never have I heard someone I've never heard of or known. You know what they're like now, don't you? They look like Simon, but they act like Jay. Looks like Simon, acts like Jay. Great. Yeah. My parents were really not sure about him coming away with us, but couldn't decide what would be worse,
Starting point is 00:45:59 the idea of a lovesick, moaning teenager or bringing this annoying lad away with them. Wow. Yeah. Yeah, that is irritating. I'm dreading that part of our life. No children who aren't ours are coming on holiday with us, ever. No, wait. That's a rule.
Starting point is 00:46:14 That's absolutely a given. Nephews and family and that. Still no. Still a hard no. Hard no from me. I can't back down on it. It's a hard no from me. It's just a policy. I'm sorry, it's a Ramsey policy. I can't go back on it. Kate and Kevin, if you're listening now. Hard no from me. I can't back down on it. It's a hard no from me. It's just a policy.
Starting point is 00:46:25 I'm sorry, it's a Ramsey policy. I can't go back on it. Kate and Kevin, if you're listening now. Hard no from me. Hate your kids. Hard no. And you. Hard no from me.
Starting point is 00:46:32 Stop it. How dare you. I'm joking. How dare you. But it's still a hard no. Carry on. No, it's not. How dare you.
Starting point is 00:46:38 Hard no from me. Stop it. We're going to have a fight. Okay. Before we went, my mum and I had bought a cheap purple bikini from a supermarket and had the same color but in different sizes my mum promised to not wear the same color on the same day as me okay awful by the way but that's fine actually no maybe oh god maybe mom have got the same t-shirt okay that's is this is this awful or nice? So my mum bought a t-shirt for herself and then bought me the exact same for my birthday.
Starting point is 00:47:09 That sounds like your mum's crack. Is that weird? That's the kind of thing your mum would do. It's a lovely t-shirt. I wore it the other day. We spoke about it before. Your mum bought me a tray once to put meat on for Christmas. We spoke about this before, haven't we?
Starting point is 00:47:23 It was a tray with the little spikes on so the meat doesn't move. Why did she buy you that? She bought it. I opened it. I went, what's this? She went, it's for when you're cooking for meat. I went, alright. She went past it here and then she went and did the dinner with it. She might as well have gone,
Starting point is 00:47:41 and I've got you some carrots and I've got you some stuffing. I'll have them right now I was like why do you get us this? you're all shite at buying this everyone's terrible I totally forgot about the meat tray
Starting point is 00:47:54 why did she buy you the meat tray? I don't know I thought we'd mention it on here she bought us the meat tray she buys us like cooking utensils and I don't use them and the next thing I see she's using them like
Starting point is 00:48:04 minutes after I've opened them like I open them and she takes them out of me hands and then and then washes them starts to cook with them which is
Starting point is 00:48:12 I mean great I'm getting stuff cooked for us which is always good but you know it's not a birthday gift is it I mean you're shite as well you bought us that fan honestly
Starting point is 00:48:19 then again you're getting no doubt of me I'd rather not then again still in the box then again you actually did buy his really good bike gear
Starting point is 00:48:26 you did buy I know I did you're so ungrateful you are so ungrateful I was on guys I was on a bike ride the other day
Starting point is 00:48:34 when Rosie and the rest of the family had a sickness bug you all had diarrhea and sickness and I was staying away from you because I had the Apollo
Starting point is 00:48:40 from your stand up and I went out on my bike to stay away from you and you bought us padded shorts so your bum's comfortable on the seat little did i know i farted while on my bike thought i chapped myself awful because you're all you've all got the shit so i thought and it felt weird and i was like i've shot myself so i had to find like couldn't be laying where i'd go and i like took my pants off and i was like looking for like shit in me kegs that's awful turns out the foam just holds your pump and heats your bum up. Wow.
Starting point is 00:49:06 Horrible sense. So does it feel like a chaser? Mark me. Mark me. Mark me. Mark my words. I will never fart in those shorts again. Terrifying. Terrifying. Good Will, I'm glad. I'm glad. So there you go. So they've got the same bikini in different
Starting point is 00:49:22 colours. Okay. And they bought it from a cheap one from a supermarket which is it. They're sometimes different colours. Okay. And they bought a cheap one from a supermarket, which is it? They're sometimes really good. Yeah. Some of my favourite. I've got two t-shirts that I bought from Sainsbury's while I think I was on tour. Two of my favourite t-shirts. Love them.
Starting point is 00:49:33 One day, we were going on an excursion on a boat that was leaving ridiculously early. In order to make sure we didn't miss the trip, we met in my parents' room to get ready. I was wearing my purple bikini. My mum insisted that we both put a higher factor sun cream on before we left i stripped my bikini and start creaming up and my boyfriend strips his t-shirt off jumps on the bed with his head at the foot of the bed laying on his stomach ready for me to do his back jesus all right mate were you at the spa my mum is in the bathroom and my dad is on the balcony. I give my boyfriend a relaxing massage while applying his sun cream on his back
Starting point is 00:50:08 and then I sit next to him and do my legs ready to go. My boyfriend has his arms bent up over his face and has his face facing the other way to me. I get up and carry on getting ready and my mum comes out of the bathroom and sits right where I was just sat. Oh, bollocks. On the end of the bed, next to my boyfriend's head with him facing the other way still. So, bollocks. So he's facing down.
Starting point is 00:50:39 What do you think happened? Oh. This could have been a mystery, sorry. It could have been, but this is nice. So, did he... Right. They're on holiday together and they're in the mum and dad's room, so he's not like... He's not like holding his hands down a bikini or anything, has he?
Starting point is 00:50:55 He hasn't gone that far. No, should I tell you? Has he just grabbed her? Has he groped her? The answer is that my mum was wearing the same purple bikini as me that day. Oh, shit. And as she sat down, my boyfriend turned his head the other way, saw what he thought was my bum, and proceeded to give her bum a playful bite.
Starting point is 00:51:14 That's worse. He's bitten her off. He's bitten his mum's ass. He's bitten his mum's ass. This is nice, though. Fast forward eight years, and my dad proceeded to tell all our guests this story
Starting point is 00:51:26 at our wedding. That's amazing. At the wedding for them too? Yeah. Oh, that's good. To our new husband. Imagine. I'd tell that.
Starting point is 00:51:35 I don't care who you're marrying. That's gold. That's comedy gold. That's staying in the repertoire. I'm not losing that from me set list just because you married someone else. You poor bag. Yeah.
Starting point is 00:51:44 So he bit his mother-in-law's arse can you imagine it would be awful that like that's great hell of a story at the wedding that well played
Starting point is 00:51:52 love it love it you've been listening to this week's episode of Shave Married Annoyed which is now part of the ACAST Creative Network oh wow
Starting point is 00:52:03 someone's got big for the boots because you normally say thank you for listening but you didn't even thank them they just said you've been listening taking our listener for granted are you
Starting point is 00:52:09 yeah guys I will thank no no thank you rude no no they don't want your pity thanks right
Starting point is 00:52:14 thank you for listening to Shag Married Annoyed he doesn't give a shit about you like I hope you know that he couldn't give a shit he slags you off every opportunity that you get he always says
Starting point is 00:52:24 oh what a dick is that listener? Oh, that listener, what a belly. Specific. Not even a group of them. Not even a group of them. Just specific ones. All the time. Great, okay then.
Starting point is 00:52:32 And as you know, if you see me at the Apollo, you will know that I slag Rosie off. And if you want to hear me slag Rosie off on tour, take us on my tour. I've heard that you slag me off a lot, actually. Oh, big time. Just do it.
Starting point is 00:52:42 Yeah, keep my name out of your mouth sunshine my tour is about an hour and ten minutes long my tour show on the night Rosie comes it'll be a cheeky half hour because I'll have to
Starting point is 00:52:53 cut out loads of stuff that'll get us in bother right tickets for my tour are on sale not many just the odd few venues and December
Starting point is 00:53:00 for the podcast arena tour is on sale now as well and the paperback of the book's out and we'll see you all later. We love you. Bye.
Starting point is 00:53:06 Bye. Do, do, do, do, do, do. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game
Starting point is 00:53:32 and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.

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