Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 134. Bon bons in the knicker drawer

Episode Date: September 17, 2021

This week on the podcast Chris and Rosie share a new record that they have broken and why it’s one of their proudest moments! There’s the weekly beefs, and QFTP’s which involve nosey neighbours, a dead hamster and a tomato soup secret!  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey,

and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Yeah, just husband. What else do you want to be? There is no higher status in my life. Arena co-star. That's worse, surely. I was your co-star at the Arena, I guess we did. Oh, well, fair enough. My co-star, my husband, my... Ugh, just a husband.

Hayden, thorn in my side. Thorn in my side. Eee! Hiya, you alright? just a husband pain and thorn in my side thorn in my side eee hiya you alright it feels weird doing this again because we're busy touring so it seems different now

but it's not it's exactly the same but this is back to where it all began take a bet now y'all exactly we've been having loads and loads of fun

on the tour thank you so much to everyone who's come along so far I think everyone seems to be enjoying it everyone's been loving it it's incredible

so that's good yeah dare I say it it's gone better than any of my stand up gigs have ever gone what was I going to say

I just thought you were going to you know what I'm like I don't like the jinx things oh no it's gone better than many of my

stand up gigs have gone in my life yeah so I've only just can't say I'm surprised wow we've only just started doing live't say I'm surprised. Wow. We've only just started doing live sort of

podcast tours. So when you first start doing live stand-up tours they don't go as well as this. So yes. Well that's good. It's very good fun. Glad to be part of it.

Yeah. And there we go. Still Tick's available for December. Yes. If you do fancy and as well not that I'm not

not that I'm trying to take your money from you but if you've seen the show it is different every single night. So the second, it is different every single night. So the second half is completely different every single night. It's all off the cuff for me.

So if you want to come again, then feel free. It's my night out, honestly. I put a drink during it and everything. It's fantastic. Yeah, Chris does nothing towards the show. Nah. He just turns up.

No prep. I do all the prep. So good. At one point, you said, in the interval at one of the Newcastle Arena shows, you said, do you enjoy stand-up more than this, or do you enjoy this more?

And I was literally pouring myself like my fourth drink of the night in the interval and I was like what does it fucking look like? Oh yeah we get hammered we get shit-faced

during the show. Oh that's great. To the point when we were at Wembley I nearly downed a glass of wine because I was just so desperate for a drink. One star shot down it.

I know. Because we wait, well this is the thing, we wait until we go on stage. We don't go on stage until eight o'clock. Yeah. So you know,

I'm clamming by then. Clamming. Clamming for a glass of wine. We were about to walk on stage at Wembley Arena and you were like, yeah, I can't wait for a drink.

I was like, it's just a small matter of the 11,000 people who are sitting here. Nah, I just can't wait for a drink. The wine's in an ice bucket. It's crisp,

cold and lovely. Bloody lovely. Bloody lovely. Should we crack on with this? Let's crack on. But first, it an ice bucket. It's crisp, cold and lovely. Bloody lovely. Bloody lovely. Shall we crack on with this? Let's crack on but first it's time for this week's lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is Aquariums. Hey does your kid want one?

Get one. Is your kid going to do anything with it? Or the fuck? No I told you he wouldn't. Me. Rosie I'm sick of it. Chris. Rosie I'm sick of it. Chris? Rosie, I'm sick of it. What did I say? I thought I was a fish guy. I'm not a fish guy. I can't be bothered.

There's too much to do. Well, the problem was, it's fine, and they're very low maintenance until your child overfeeds them. And when your child overfeeds them, there's loads of rotten food in the tank, and the fish eat too much, and the shit too much.

So the nitrates in the water were through the roof, apparently. So I had to change the water I'm fucking sick I mean the fact that you thought you could trust a five year old

to use you know a pincer grip to feed a fish tank every day it's ridiculous that's the thing I know if he's fed them

or not I don't want to ask if he's fed them because I know if he has because the food pellets are all over the fucking bench

oh god sorry I've got honestly I've got no sympathy for you sick honestly he wants a hamster as well

he can fucking he can absolutely swivel there is no chance he's getting anything else I tell you I'm not having a hamster in this no way

not happening shout out to all the parents out there who've got their kids pets and then have to look after them themselves imagine if we'd got a dog I'd be livid I mean I'd enjoy a dog more

I'd enjoy a dog a lot more than I enjoy this this this fish this fish this shit fish fucking sickvid. I mean, I'd enjoy a dog more. I'd enjoy a dog a lot more than I enjoy this. Lish? This fish? This fish? This shit fish? Fucking sick of it.

I mean, I'm keeping them. You know, they're my responsibility now. They're living creatures. But goodness me. Goodness me. So there you go. Told you so. There you go.

Gah. And that's all I've got to say about that. Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah!

Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Married or Not. It's episode 134. I forgot to say it in the intro. Oh, Jesus. Honestly, it was like I had a headache. Episode 134, everyone. Just shout it out. I needed to get it out. I realised I forgot to do it in the intro and everyone was going to die unless I sorted it out. Okay, congratulations.

There we go. Question. Have we done a podcast since I had my tooth ripped out? Well, I was going to talk about that, about the Rocky Balboa-esque way that you handled that. So I feel the world needs to know. Yeah, so anyone who doesn't realise, Rosie had some dental issues last week. Well, they'll know that I had my bad jaw,

what I thought was my bad jaw. It was actually my tooth rotting away, which is horrific. A really deep fill in which listen I'm just going to put it out there I went to the dentist about 10 years ago

and I think it was a trainee dentist and they give me a fill in and it hurt and I think it was then right and I think they've done it too deep

and sorry that's what's happened sorry what sorry I'm not letting you have a go at that

10 years ago and it's only hurt now no because what kind of lifetime guarantee what do you want on it 10 years I'm it's only hurt now no because what kind of fucking what lifetime guarantee what do you want on it 10 years

I'm not being funny I haven't had a fill in since then so that's gotta be my last fill in but what happened is it's too deep and now it's starting to 10 years

yeah but it's lasted 10 years so don't be having a go at them what are you gonna okay fair enough do you know what I mean fucking yeah but it's too deep yeah but what are you doing

taking fucking taking clothes back to the shop 10 years later? Doesn't fit anymore. I want my money back. Who sold me this? You told me I'd be the same shape for 10 years. All right, okay. Digging them out. All right, I take it back.

I didn't name anyone, did I? No, you fucking had to go though. If a trainee dentist did it in his 10 years, I think that's, you know, I'm not saying, I mean, I don't know how long a film's supposed to, i don't know how long a film's supposed to i don't know how long a film's supposed to last because i've never had a film because i brush my teeth i've never had anything done because i brush my teeth because i've got a high dental hygiene standards where you you know whatever you're doing brushing your teeth with fucking chupa chups when you're a

kid you know gargling fucking sugar water like that alien from men in black uh so i don't know what you've been doing. Brushing your teeth with fucking peanut butter. This is the, I'm the same girl who used to hide strawberry bonbons in a neckadrow

so that me brother and sister wouldn't steal them. There we go. There we go. Yeah. And that is why you've also got a fruity fanny. Now.

Mmm. Listen. Thank you. Wasn't a compliment. Now. I'll take that. I'd love to have a fruity fanny. Goodness.

Oh God, man. Taste. Imagine if your fanny tasted like strawberry bonbons. Slash and or millions. Millions. That would be nice. Now, so you had your bad jaw, and then that got sorted a little while ago,

and then you felt it coming on again, because the dentist said, this isn't a sort of permanent fix. You need to sort this again. So before the live shows, it started hurting again and you went to try and get it sorted, didn't you?

Yeah. What happened? So I thought he could relieve it again because really I needed root canal, but I haven't had time to have root canal because it's like quite a few appointments. So I thought he was going to relieve it again. And then what happened was he did,

but he managed to get oxygen, like air, into the place. Again, total accident. Total accident. It happens to one in 50. It happens to one in 50.

I was just one of those unlucky people. I was in absolute agony. And I went back the next day and I was like, the day of the arena, Newcastle Arena, first show. Yeah,

I was like, I've got the arena show in like five hours. What can I do? And he was like, I can do the root canal today. I was like, I don't think I can go on stage

after having root canal. Yeah. What else can I do? And I decided to get taken out much against his wishes like if any dentist are listening to this the dentist was absolutely

gutted right he was like please please let me let me change your mind I was like no I was like take it out I was like I can't

go on I need to not be in pain and honestly I regret I do regret it but it had to be done. Honestly, like, again, like I said on stage at Newcastle, like the scene in Rocky

where Apollo Creed's punched the fuck out of him too much, his eyes are swollen and he can't open his eyes and he just goes, cut me, Mick. And Mick just cuts his eyes so he can open it.

Cut me, Mick. Literally, take the tooth out, Mick. So Mick, dentist might not be called Mick, just ripped the tooth out your head and you came and did the show and on it, Rosie. Oh,

off me tits. Yeah, she was off her tits on Painkillers. You still did the show and it was still great but yeah, like I said on stage, I'd love to say

I wish it was me. I'd have been lying. I'm glad it wasn't me and if that had been me we'd have cancelled the shows. So, fair play to you. Hard as fuck and I'm a bit scared of you now

and that's that and that's the only reason I did it to make me scared just to you know wind your neck in really really frightening it was almost like

sometimes in the UFC when a fighter beats the fuck out of another fighter and there's blood on their gloves they lick the blood off their gloves it's like doesn't happen very often doesn't happen very often

but they're like yeah see this is right I'm sorry you and UFC right you prop I love UFC and they're like see this is right I'm sorry you you and UFC right you you prop I love UFC and you're like gentlemen sport gentlemen sport or

licking your opponent's blood off your glove not many people do it I've only seen it done about four times and I've never said it to gentlemen sport all I've said is you do I've

never said it to gentlemen sport I say they're very respectful and disciplined because you have to be to do that because they're I mean they're fucking nutters for wanting to do it don't get us wrong a mate of mine's a cage fighter and i said oh i don't know how you do it you're amazing you went

i'm not amazing i'm a fucking idiot i went yeah i agree but you know i mean i didn't say i agree i went whatever you say no yeah no it was over text i'm fine um live in the country side now we kind of find this no but it was basically you you watch the cage fighting as if it's gladiatorial, as if they've thrown a Roman slave in there. They're both up for it. It is gladiatorial, sorry, but they're both up for it. It's not like one of them's like,

why am I here? I was an accountant yesterday. Why is this happening? Come here, you. Stay still, you prick. They're both up for it. And you and your mom, whenever you're walking in and watching it,

you act like someone's bullying someone. They both want to do that to each other. It's fucking great. Oh, speaking of Sandra, right? I hate watching reality TV with my mum. Holy shit. So hold on. Right.

Backstory here. Come on. So we're watching Married at First Sight Australia. Yeah. It's finally on the telly. We couldn't get it for ages because everyone always says, especially to me, because I love, like, shit reality TV.

Yeah. And they were like, you need to watch Married at First Sight Australia. And I was like, right, I do. And so series six came on and people have told us that that's a really good one. So we started watching it. Love it, right?

So good. I think we're only six episodes in. We really like it. And we're going to watch the UK one as well. Yes. Because I've heard that's really good. But anyway, so my mum, you might not know, this stays with us a few nights a week to help with childcare.

And she's been just kind of in the room while we're watching it. I wish she'd leave. I don't want her in the room. But I kind of say, ma'am, can you leave? She doesn't get it. The question. She doesn't get it. Well, why are they there

well oh I'm sorry but that's ridiculous it's a program Sandra it is ridiculous it's produced they are produced to hell

so basically you don't go on a program where you're going to marry a stranger if you are you know a reasonable person

yeah so sorry can I just give you you're ranting right guys just to give you a bit of backstory we're watching it right and every time one of the people says something ridiculous like one of the women is one of the brides is kicking off about something or you know the whole process is obviously the marriott first sight which is like oh i don't like this and i don't like that and these i've got high this is ridiculous yeah I've got high standards I think it was the girl said I've got high standards

and your mum was like well why they put her on there that doesn't make any sense what they put her on there for she's not going to like it I think the analogy I used I went Sandra I went

they've got to put them on it's entertainment I went imagine you turned a Batman film on and there was no baddies I was like imagine you turned on Batman and it was just Bruce Wayne

sitting in his house reading a book because Joker and everyone were locked up I was like the need you turned on Batman and it was just Bruce Wayne sitting in his house reading a book because Joker and everyone were locked up. I was like, the need, the villains, it's produced, these people are cast and it's a fucking good reality show. It's one of the better ones we've seen just because of how good it is and how ridiculous it is.

But she can't get her head around it? No, she can't. But that's the thing, if we put it on. It ruins it for me trying to enjoy it and she's just questioning all the time. Sandra, I think what you want to watch is just people's wedding videos. You don you want to watch is just people's wedding videos

you don't want to watch married at first you want to watch people who've known each other for 10 years get married just watch their wedding video

but then you're like boring this she doesn't get it and I just stick to the drama Sandra stick to the scripted dramas

me and your mum actually I love the relationship I've got with Sandra I know she listens big love because you last night

you were going to have a little nap and then Rob wanted to go to bed and you were like shall I just take her to bed and I went can you please take her to bed because your mum's about to watch

the new episode of Billions so me and your mum literally I ran in she went what's the code for the sky she didn't know the code I'm not telling you

because we watch it without us got a wine me and your mum sat at a little glass of red wine and watched the new episode of billions it was really canny and you went upstairs with the birds and i'm just sitting there with your mom just chilling i was like this is really weird but really cool no i think that's sweet oh it was lovely i enjoyed it thankfully there's no sex scenes or anything because there was a moment where it showed you because you know chuck rhodes's character uh-huh um paul don't say too

much well paul no no paul g Giamatti's character in the first few series is like heavy into bondage and that and he goes and they did like a quick recap of his bondage stuff and I just thought oh my god

if there's a massive bondage scene would you have been embarrassed I'd have had to go for a wee or something right wank I'd be wee oh

who oh she's listening she's going to tell you off for that it's horrible Sandra I wouldn't do it in the room with you there babadoo babadoo babadoo bah now listen right when we first started this podcast rose we didn't think any of this mad stuff would happen right we've you know the we've been told that it's breaking world

records because it's in the pot it's been in the charts every single day or whatever for for a year um the book that we did went to number one bestseller. These live shows that we're doing keep being the biggest live podcasts ever. It's really mental when you're listed. It's mad. However, I am proud of all of them things. Very proud.

Not taking anything away from all them things. Oh, I know what you're going to say. Something happened last week that we are a lot more proud of. Yes, yes, yes, yes. I am so proud of our listeners. Maybe we should just high five each other because she's on the same page as me now guys in newcastle arena at the live shag modernoid show it has just been officially confirmed by the staff through our management that our fans purchased more alcohol on those nights than anyone in the history of that arena

the the the record for the most alcohol purchased was at an oasis gig in that arena obviously when oasis was still together so we're talking probably in the noughties yeah we're talking in the 2000s and we apparently absolutely obliterated that last week. Smiles and Daz. We are so fucking proud of you. Oh my God. I'm sorry. Oh my God. Newcastle.

Holy shit. When they told us that, I was like, no. Yeah. No way. Because I have been at that arena. I've seen loads of acts at that arena. And I've been steaming at that arena and thought everybody else was as well that's incredible so good

and can I just say as well I had no idea because they were such a well behaved both nights so quiet like quiet when they had to be quiet

when they were listening so attentive so well behaved genuinely hats off to everyone unbelievable so good can we get that

framed somewhere I want it from the arena I'm going to have to speak to them and get it framed. Yeah, yeah. Unbelievable. Well done. Just phenomenal, guys.

Just, I mean, you know. So bad. We're not encouraging binge drinking, you know. They obviously were fine, but oh my word. I do think that my dad might have helped a lot towards that. If I'm totally honest with you. We put your family in a box. Oh, hey.

Bad, bad decision. At the end. Crikey. Crikey. Crikey. Yeah. Bridget's built a wine on my producer. Yeah. Are we going to talk about my brother

buying a dressing gown? Oh, Kev, from Redhead Plaster and Kev. Yeah, I went into the bar afterwards for drinks and I just saw this pink blue in the corner and I was like, the fuck's that? And it was your brother in the pink dressing gown.

He bought the pink dressing gown. Supporting you, I'm supporting you. Great, thank you very much. Fantastic, absolutely fantastic. Well done, Newcastle. Well done, Newcastle, we're proud of you. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. It's time for What's Your Beef?

What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Okay, ladies first or gentlemen first? Oh, you're on it. Oh, wow. No, no, no, go on then. I didn't even finish my sentence. Go on. Are you're on it oh well i mean if you want to go no no no go on then i didn't finish my sentence go on are you sure you're more than happy if you throw the first punch go okay it's not that bad um my beef with you chris and it's more of a please

stop doing this stop opening bottles with your hand against a bit of wood have i talked about this before uh you're still doing it so in in the dressing rooms, sometimes there is a lack of bottle opener on the tour. And I just, like a really cool guy, you know, like maybe someone in like your action movie or something. No. Yeah, dead cool. I put it on the edge of the table and I just bang the top and the lid comes off.

You're going to slice your hand open. Oh, right. So you think that the bottle's going to break and I'm going to slice my hand open? Yeah. Is that what you think is going to happen? I know that's what's going to happen. I don't think it's going to happen. I would bet our slice my hand open. Yeah. Is that what you think is going to happen? I know that's what's going to happen. I don't think it's going to happen.

I think I'm wrong. I would bet our house on the fact that it's happened before. Right. And you're doing it just before we're about to go on stage.

We'll be homeless and I'll have a bad hand. Exactly. Right. So please don't do it. It's not cool. It's like when people do it on their teeth.

It's really cool. I understand the teeth thing. The teeth thing's disgusting. But it goes right through us. But on the table,

just put it on the side of a shop. I don't do it on any nice, you know, like wooden tables or anything that's going the teeth thing. The teeth thing's disgusting. But it goes right through us. But on the table, just put it on the side of a sharpie. I don't do it on any nice, you know, like wooden tables or anything that's going to get damaged. I do it on a little metal edge. You're going to rip your hand open.

I don't think I am. Stop. You are. Don't listen. Please, shagbrownandoyed at gmail.com. Let me know if you have ripped your hand open. Brilliant.

I look forward to reading them. Frikey. No faith in me. You've got no faith in me. I've done it for years and I've never cut myself. I can do it. You broke your ankle whilst running on grass. Wasn't opening a bottle though, was I?

Don't be a dickhead. Eh? What's your beef with me? Oh well. Come on. In the vein of you not having faith in me, my beef with you is as follows.

What? Okay, I'm here with kev from uh from the company who are installing our uh the things in our fireplaces uh how long you been an engineer for them kev oh 20 years 20 years and what is the specific name of the things you are installing in our fireplace a wood burning stove a wood burning what a wood burning what a wood burning stove a wood burning what a wood burning stove a wood burning what what's that final word a stove stove Rosie sit down

wow wow I mean cards on the table here he was very confused during that whole conversation I'm not surprised didn't know why

I was sticking my phone in his face poor Kev wood burning stove a what a wood burning stove you made him say that about six times I was like jeez just needed to hammer the point home so it's a stove yeah what a wood burning stove you made him say about six times

I was like jeez just needed to hammer the point home so it's a stove yeah it's a fucking stove a lot of people yeah it's a stove I've had a lot of messages

and tweets etc with them the back of vans yeah and yellow pages etc big love to everyone

out there who had my back honestly I was chastised guys it didn't stop you know when we stopped recording the podcast

last week she went on and on and on about it. Look at them calls at the stove, wedging us, slapping us, Chinese burns. Honestly, I was bullied around this house and finally you all rallied together and gave us the confidence to tell her to go and fuck off

and it was actually called a stove. So thank you so much, guys, for the support. Slightly embarrassed about how hard I went in on that. Really hard you went on it, didn't you? Really hard. Whatever. Hey, goodness me. I can admit when I'm wrong.

You can't. I was wrong. I was wrong. Apologise. Apologise. What? Say sorry. Say sorry for the nasty people you said.

No, because I didn't upset you. It wasn't nasty. It wasn't cruel. You were being horrible, saying why am I calling it a stove. I sound stupid. It's not a stove. I'm saying the wrong word. Say sorry right now word say sorry right now

say sorry right now come on be a bigger person I am say it say it say it thank you

I did hear it there I'm gonna get that I'm gonna get that recorded and get it amplified really loud play it around the arenas and that

stoves babadoo babadoo babadoo bah it's time for questions from the public at it. Amplified. Really loud. Play it around the arenas and that. Stoves. It's time for questions from the public! Questions from the public! Public! As always guys, if you want to get in touch, it's shaggedmaridinoid at gmail.com. One little extra special shout out.

The surveys are up and running online for anyone coming to the live shows. Please continue to give us your beefs for whatever live show you're coming to it's so awesome reading out the beefs when you guys are in the room

so make sure they'll be on Rosie's Instagram before the shows go on make sure you get yours done for the venue you're going to we've had some really good ones

some incredible ones and it's so hilarious because people put the names on but then when it gets to the actual point in the show they bottle it they don't put their hand up.

Apart from me knotting them, because the father and his son were on the front row who put theirs in. Oh, yes. What was their names again? Jack and Roy. Thank you, Jack and Roy. It was great.

Great fun. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Chris and Rosie, I wanted to share my, in brackets, anonymous, please, yes, it's that bad, story. Great. Many moons ago, when I had just given birth to our son, to our first son,

my husband and I were living in a newly built estate with lots of other young couples surrounding us. The couple who lived behind us were very friendly and we always chatted over the fence. When my son was born, I was really touched when she popped around and dropped off a beautiful gift. The neighbour.

Yes, yes. Over the winter months, you don't really spend time in the garden and so you don't get to chat to the neighbors that is true yeah my husband had been driving home and came in and said oh i think that couple behind us have had a baby and i saw her pushing a pram i immediately thought oh i have to return the kind gesture and get them a gift but I don't know her well enough to chat on the door and ask oh did you have a baby I mean what if she hadn't what if she thought

I was cheeky that is that you can't ever ask that question can you that might not be her baby and that might you know what I mean it's a minefield

if you've never seen a pregnant belly some people don't get some people don't look pregnant when they have a baby I've told you I've said before I'll never ask

you could literally be you could be wider with a massive, you could have like a fucking yoga ball on your stomach popping out of your thing with a T-shirt that says I'm about to have a baby and I will not say it until they say it. It's the best way to be. Until they say when the baby's due or you know I'm pregnant. I go, yeah, I do now, but I wasn't going to say it. Same, same, same.

No chance. So I decided to see if i could look out of the upstairs window into her house and spot any signs of a baby christ i could go around your dick no no i could see she was at the kitchen sink and i thought it might have been baby bottles she was washing but i couldn't quite make out so i hate myself right now i grabbed a pair of binoculars just grabbed a pair that were just kicking about just kicking about living in a housing estate you know it's not like you live in the countryside and you're looking at fucking you know finches and kestrels there's just there's just there's just some binoculars kicking about your fucking

pervert go on then go on get them where are them on the right on the windowsill because i'm a perv great it says, it is. I know. I know. I can just hear you wincing. No, you can't hear what we're telling you. It's a movie. Anyway, I was looking and yes, it was bottles. She had indeed had a baby.

Got you. She looked straight at me. And to my utter horror, her husband was staring at me through another window whilst holding the baby and shaking his head. Not a good look. Full lip. Like, come on. Look, I'm not a professional pervert,

but you make sure the room's dark and you stand quite far back in the room because if you're right up against the glass they can see you but if you stand far back in your room I just Chris

we've lived on a housing estate before you can see from one window to another yeah I mean it says their gardens

were touching basically their garden to garden aren't they so there's a good you know we're talking easy 50 yards

but you're going to be able to see someone with a pair of binoculars looking at the house if they're right against the window

yeah she should have went right back or closed the curtains and just put a little I mean what an idiot it says I glanced back at her and she snapped her blinds shut

not fucking surprised perhaps I'm paranoid but from that day from that day on everyone around us had their blinds closed I believe word spread quite quickly that I was a weirdo stalking nutjob everyone around us had their blinds closed.

I believe word spread quite quickly that I was a weirdo stalking nutjob. I'd been caught and I was slowly dying inside of embarrassment until I convinced my husband it was time to sell up. What? They moved? They moved because of that. I mean, you'd have to. Right, Chris. Now, this is where it gets even worse.

There's more. There's more. Right. Can I just say though you would have to move because you can't like go you know in the past we've had loads of building work done and we've went around with a bottle of wine for our neighbours

to say look sorry about the mess and this and that you can't knock on all of the doors going look you might have heard I'm a binocular wielding pervert however in my defence I was just trying to see if she'd had a baby or not right well I Look, you might have heard I'm a binocular-wielding pervert. However, in my defence, I was just trying to see if she'd had a baby or not. Right, well, I would.

Knock on the doors and see. Not everyone's doors, just hers. You don't fucking phone hotel reception for room service. You would never do that. You don't open the door to the fucking postman. You would never do that. Would move. Introverted extrovert, I've told you about this.

Pathetic, pathetic. No, I would have to knock on her and Iverted extrovert. I'm telling you about this. Pathetic. Pathetic. No, I would have to knock on the, I'd have to knock on her and I'd go, look, I'm so sorry. Yes, I did have binoculars in your kitchen. I just wanted to see

if you were washing bottles because I didn't know if you'd had a baby or not. I'm so sorry. I would, you can't be moving because of that. Just honestly,

I still think, I just, there's no way of fixing it. Every one of them things where you'd be like, look, I'm really, I was just looking to see if there was bottles. Do you know what I mean? I was just, that's what it was. Is that all right? And they'd one of them things where you'd be like, look, I'm really, I was just looking to see if there was bottles.

Do you know what I mean? I was just, that's what it was. Is that all right? And they'd be like, yeah. You'd be like, do you understand?

They'd be like, yep. And you'd walk away and they'd close the door and they'd go, fucking weirdo. It would still happen. Possibly, yeah.

Right, well, fair enough. Okay, well, anyway. I can't believe it gets worse. It gets worse, right. Jesus. Let's see if this is good. The week before we moved,

Hubby was driving home. That's awful. Hubby was driving home that's that's awful hubby was driving home is horrible why is that horrible why couldn't my husband instead of hubby hubby not the hubby no just hubby hubby the week before we moved hubby was driving home and found our little cat on the road and she was dead oh god she had been run over. Oh no. He was so upset. He came home and told me and I sent him with a bin bag to get the cat

so we could bury her in the garden of his parents' house. As he was lifting the cat, this elderly man said, Oi! You killed that cat! Hubby said,

No, it's my cat. I just found her. And he said, I saw you! You killed it! Hubby shook his head and passed him off as a dithering old

tube. Tubes, hilarious. A few days later I saw a lady putting posters up of a missing cat. It was my cat in the picture. She was distinctly black and white with a pink collar and a silver bell. I thought, oh, I bet she's been

going between us and she would disappear for a few days and then come home cat-or-mental. And she thinks this is her cat, but it's actually mine. Right. I made Hubby pull over the car so I could break the sad news. There in the street, I told her that it actually was my cat and that sadly it had been run over. She argued with me, asking what colour was the bell on the collar

as her cat had a gold bell. Ours had silver. We were both staring at Hubby, who said I don't know what colour the bell was. I was so upset I didn't look. Oh my god. She demanded that we dig the cat up. She drove to my parents'

house with a shovel, I kid you not. She dug up the cat and yes, you guessed it. The bell was gold. Oh my God! We had buried the wrong cat. Oh my God! She took her cat corpse home,

and we moved out and left that estate with our heads hung in shame. Oh my God! Chris, listen to this. A few months later, we were in a local pub with a bunch of friends and we were telling them the story about the cat. This guy on the table behind us said, Oh my God, are you that weird couple from such and such a stage? Yes.

Yes, we are. Oh my God! Thank you so much for that. i love that that was that was epic fucking like lord of the rings trilogy do you know what it is though some people just have such bad luck why did that man think he'd killed the cat so maybe right okay on second read of this yeah i think the husband might have just killed, might have killed that cat, right? And then he thought, oh shit, it's our cat.

I don't think he found that cat. I think he ran that cat over. Do you think? Yeah. Fuck me. Crikey. So, but then, where's their cat?

Their cat is still alive somewhere on that estate. Pissing itself laughing. Roaming the streets. Clambering at people's doors for food oh my word they've left their cat that is one of the

maddest stories isn't it wonderful incredible just incredible I do not love sometimes people have just mega like erratic lives

where shit like this happens and you just some I've had friends and some even now where I go how how has this happened in your life? I mean, that was like an episode of Kirby Enthusiasm.

That was unbelievable. Thank you. You imagine just someone else buries your cat. Can you imagine having to go, their parents' house as well? Was that where the cat requested to be buried? Not theirs? Well, no, because they were moving. Right.

Okay. The crazy couple with the binoculars. Or the week before they left left they buried a fucking animal in the back garden sorry actually yeah imagine and this is the garden

a freshly buried cat up there for you and a shed like yeah yeah oh my word oh god brilliant

thank you babadoo babadoo babadoo bah you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,

followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen.

Evil things. Of evil. It's all. You know, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying.

Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Who said that? The First Omen. The Impeders Friday. Get tickets now.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com dear chris and rosie chris joking with rosie about the fact sandra would have thrown her

hamster in the kitchen bin reminded me of what happened with my last hamster oh no right in my teenage years i had three hamsters the first one lasted nine months the second lasted six months all died of natural causes normally wet tail disease but there we go oh what's that just thing they get like this mad thing and the tails go i think the tails even go wet but wet tail is that's what got mine and all my mates hamsters wet tail disease oh doing the rounds was it doing the rounds yeah yeah like really catchy SAD Jesus

right my last hamster lasted a grand total of 22 days oh man right don't fucking get whoever you are

don't get any more nine months six months 22 days pack it in when I asked my parents for a box to put the dead hamster in

my dad handed me a box and told me to get in the car my dad took me back to the shop I asked my parents for a box to put the dead hamster in, my dad handed me a box and told me to get in the car. My dad took me back to the shop I got my hamster from. When I got there, I spoke to the sales assistant and informed them my hamster had died, but I'd only had it 22 days. They asked me where the hamster was and I pointed to the box I had gently placed on the till.

Yes, my dad took me to get a refund for the dead hamster. Oh my God. yes my dad took me to get a refund for the dead oh my god that is shocking that's sorry love this is not a vets that is so bad he's gonna have that is so bad i thought them i thought they would dispose of it or something so did she but but it's all just fully blown. Here is the evidence. That's so grim. It's bloody broken this. It's bloody broken. Hey, my word. That is

rotten. What a fucking cheap man. Hey. They're only about four quid. Well, that's bad though, isn't it? They're really cheap. Anyway. Hi, that's bad though, isn't it? They're really cheap. Oh, poor thing. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Hi, Rosie and Chris. There have been a couple of stories recently that reminded me of some interesting snippets I thought I would share. Snippets? All's up for some snippets. Yeah. One.

It's more like, this is weird. It's just questions, I think, that happened in her life and she's chatted about them with her mates and she's thought, whoops, she wants our opinions. Why do men always worry they'll shit themselves? Honestly, I can't think of anything more frightening. It's really good here. It is.

I can't answer this question, but I am too, but I too am curious. Early in the pandemic, I observed to my husband that we should learn from the midwitch cuckoos a John Wyndham book that was made in the film Village of the Damned

what the fuck did you just say I don't know what was all of them words that was so there was a book called the midwitch cuckoos right

by John Wyndham Wyndham right and they made it in the film Village of the Damned have you seen that before I've heard of

Village of the Damned I've never seen it. Yeah. Where aliens put an entire village to sleep. And while they were asleep, impregnated all the women with alien babies. Okay. Probably ruined the film for a lot of people. I mean, yeah.

I mean, I'm not going to watch it anyway. Ever. Sounds awful. But it says... So this lady's saying, my suggestion was that we should do that to the whole country for two weeks. Stopping the virus. The coronavirus the coronavirus sorry put everyone to sleep oh she said the world actually the whole world stop the virus no movement no social contact no virus movement job done job done and back to

normal right his main concern about that idea was that we'd all shit ourselves i was wondering where the shit was i was like where have we gone we've jumped onto something else but no that was I'm sorry I told that really badly sorry no she said so basically she said

there's this book where they put everyone to sleep we should just to stop the coronavirus for two weeks put the whole world to sleep and he so for me his first reaction wasn't why did I marry you you're a psycho, how would we implement that

people would die of not eating for two weeks and of not having water she's basically talking about putting everyone in an induced coma so I'm assuming one team of medical staff have to travel the entire world and put everyone to sleep for two weeks.

How would we implement it? By the time... Chris, it's ridiculous. It would take them years to put everyone to sleep. It's stupid. But that wasn't his first question. No, no, no. His first question was,

no, I'd shit myself. And that's why she said, why do men always worry about shitting themselves? Love, he's not the problem here. It's you. He said here that that was his main concern and he suggested that an advance warning

should be given to ensure that we put plastic covers on the mattresses before the attack. I mean, who are these people? Do these both work in the Forbidden Planet?

Dunno. A couple of fucking nutters. Really weird. There's another thing here. The full internal inspection when you're in labour, right? You talked about this before Rafe's birth. Oh, the sweep. Yeah, and we're wondering about the hands going up there to rummage around.

My sister is a doctor in Western Australia. Her favourite thing in the world is delivering babies. She explained to me that it's the law when someone is in labour that you, not you, someone on the birthing team, not you, so someone on the birthing team, has to put their hand up to make sure the cord isn't tangled around the baby's neck. Is that what a sweep is? Well, I didn't think that

was what a sweep was. I thought a sweep was to sort of like, to take away the membrane so that, anyway, but it says they've got to check that the cord isn't around the baby's neck, right? And if it is, you're not allowed to remove your hand. If the baby starts moving out, it can get strangled. And then they say a code name,

a sheet is thrown over the mother and birthing doctor's person, and they're rapidly wheeled into the surgery for an emergency C-section. Hand still in place. No. What? So he's... What? No.

So there'd have to be a code word of like... So he or she has to put their hand all the way up. The doctor. You know, Oklahoma. Midwife. to put their hand all the way up see the doctor you know midwife the code's right all the way around ok

Oklahoma and then a sheet goes over and they have to go to surgery with the hand still in the woman's vagina

I'm loving that it's true oh it's true oh the woman from the village of the damned said it did she

on a cursed email about bollocks did she alright it's definitely true. It's true. She's a fucking nutter. That's what it says.

Sorry, read again the first thing she said about putting the entire world to sleep and putting plastic down so they don't shit on their beds and then read the next bit. I'm sorry if I want a second opinion. But listen, this is the proof, okay? So some time ago, she was working up in the Northwest. This is her sister.

And a woman came in pregnant with her second baby my sister looked through the patient's notes and saw that she'd had an emergency cesarean right she asked her why she'd had the c-section and the woman said i'm not sure i think the doctor's hand got stuck fuck off just i just just the idea of a doctor having a sideways crab walk all the way down a hospital Oh, Oklahoma, when the wind comes Swimming down the plain Just the idea of a doctor having a sideways crab walk All the way down a hospital corridor With his hand up someone's vagina I bet it happens

I think it's maybe quite rare I can't have it I can't have it Not from Mrs Lunatic here Well, we'll find out Someone will tell her Wow Wow

Yeah We'll Google it We'll find out I don't think I want all that on my Google search history. I'll just wait until someone emails in. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Hi, Rosie and Chris. I'm from Belgian. Belj, Belgian? You're a fucking idiot. I'm from Belgian. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I'm from Belgium I'm Rosie Chris I'm from Spanish but I grew up in Greek and now I live

in Irish have you ever been to America? Oh, anyway, sorry. I'm from Belgium. It's only one letter difference. It was just the way you said it. It was just the way you said it and then how long it took you to correct it. I'm from Belgium

and I've always thought that British people have some really weird food habits. Like having crisps as a side of your sandwich or sometimes even inside the sandwich. That just seems so unhealthy and gross to me. Sorry? Who the fuck? Hey!

Hey! Twi-slacking off a crisp sandwich. Wow. Just before we did this, I had a sandwich and I thought this isn't going to be normal if I don't have a bag of crisps on the side. How dare you?

What do you like? I'm being attacked. You'll like this next one. Another weird one is mint jelly, which just doesn't exist in Belgium. I fully agree with you. I know Rosie loves it, but I'd have to agree with Chris that it must be like putting toothpaste on your meat. You are totally right.

Can't be in the room when she's eating it. Fucking disgusting. It's got little bits of green stuff in as well. Awful. That's the mint. You're the mint. Are you taking the piss? what totally can't be in the room when she's eating it fucking disgusting it's got little bits of green stuff in as well awful that's the mint you're the mint are you taking the piss the mint leaves

but it's like it's just horrible you've got little bits of green stuff you're like a seven year old eating a bolognese what's the green stuff do you know what it looks like

it looks like someone's literally going and just fucking huckled a bit of jelly gremmy green

fucking phlegm on the side of your plate but it stinks like toothpaste oh it tastes unbelievable horrible there's a question

my question is do you guys think that other countries have any weird food habits or are you so far gone that you'll just

eat anything wow no jeez I'd love I love I can't no but I love other food.

No, but I love foods from other countries. Yeah, but you can't slag off Belgium. Belgian waffles, bang. Yeah. Belgian chocolates, bang. Yeah. I've never been to Belgium. I would like to go to Belgium, you know.

Yeah. Belgium. Belgium. One ticket to Belgium, please. I like all the food that sounded like a child at school trying to basically

get around like you know some kind of report you have to do write a thousand word report on your favourite food I like all the foods done

the end Rosie thank you I like all the foods. Done. The end. Rosie. Thank you. I like all the foods. I like all the foods. I like all the foods. Hey, hey, hey.

I like all the foods. I like all the... Has anyone ever said, I like all the foods? Who knows? Stop it. All right, man. Nice. You don't like all the foods, though. I do like all the foods.

Tell me some foods that I don't like from another country yoghurt where's where's that from oh sorry greek yoghurt oh yeah I don't

no we're going right fair enough oh wait there might be a couple china insects on sticks and scorpions on sticks and that never tried one

I would oh nice of you fair enough ok fair enough go fuck yourself wow babadoo babadoo babadoo

bah I have a confession that I have kept to myself for the past six years. Okay. Since recently catching up with the podcast and learning of Rosie's love of sofas, I have managed to finally pluck up the courage and confess to you both. When I was 19, I was dating a guy who I met at uni. And during the summer, I went to visit him and his family.

He stayed in England and I stayed in Scotland. So, what? So, he's English and she's Scottish. So, Scottish people say stay. Oh, instead of lived. Yeah, where do you stay? Oh, really? I stay in Edinburgh.

I stay in Glasgow. What? Yeah, sometimes they say stay. Wow, I didn't know that. Do you not know this? No. You bloody know. If the Edinburgh show was having been cancelled, you'd have probably learned that. Okay. But yeah sometimes sometimes they say stay wow I didn't know that you don't know this no you bloody know if the Edinburgh shows hadn't been cancelled you'd probably learned that okay but yeah where do you stay it's like where do you live that's interesting yeah not where do you stay I don't want to say it like that but yeah that is I didn't know that I love

I love learning about different languages I love learning about all the foods that i love no i think that's interesting though i stay in scottish his mum had recently bought a new home which had been fully refurbished and she was particularly fond of her new sofas the second day i was there the guy i was seeing was called into work last minute so i had to stay at home with his mum and we spent the day binge watching Friends. Quite a fun day on the face of things. It was all going well. I felt like we were bonding and getting to know each other until it came to lunchtime. She had spent the morning making homemade tomato soup and had made me a bowl and warm bread. Yum. She brought me an electric salt and pepper grinder, which I had never heard or used before.

Not seeing the clear power button in the middle, I started to twist the end to try and put a little bit of pepper in my soup, and suddenly the end came apart and landed with a thud in my soup. The burning soup went all over me. It covered my

face and mostly went in my hair. I thought... That's fucking horrible. I thought it had just hit me until I stood up and realised it was all over the sofa. Oh God. I panicked. I quickly ran to the guy's room to tie my hair up and change tops, then went back to deal with the sofa.

His mum was still in the kitchen on the phone, so i thought i had a bit of time to tidy the mess i started to try and dab the soup with toilet paper but due to its deep red color it was not budging oh did i mention her brand new sofa was light gray fuck off oh no my heart was. All that was going through my head was, she's going to hate me. My boyfriend's going to break up with us. So. Don't. Don't. I did the only thing I thought I could do.

No chance. And flip the sofa cushions around to hide the massive stains. You're going to hell. You're going to hell. She came back five minutes later, seeing my empty bowl and asking if I enjoyed the soup. Oh dear. I never told her or the guy I was seeing of my mishap and to this day I live with the guilt that her poor sofas

obviously got ruined from my stupid clumsiness. I also wonder if she ever found out as the living room must have spelt of tomato soup i guess my question is what's your favorite flavor of soup i don't think she feels really bad about this because she just wants to know what flavor no i probably i probably question was have you ever done anything so stupid i was she had panic she's not with the guy anymore how imagine right if you one day came and thought I'm gonna flip

these sofa cushions and there's a massive stain on one side I know this is really trivial and not very our podcast but I'd just

imagine that you'd be like what what the hell and you'd never know I mean I'd know how would you know you'd smell it you'd know it's tomato soup you'd put two and two together mean i'd know how would you know you'd smell it you know it's tomato soup you'd put two and two but you wouldn't how would you know who'd done it

you'd notice her but it's sort of it's manners in it you should never say it you probably found out really fucking quickly right really quickly like you know when you get a new sofa you hoover it like fuck you plump the cushions every time they go make sure you plump them every day so you probably found out that night but then you can't go that fucking bitch at your say and did that with you would you would you have told them straight away me personally you can answer that yeah of course i would have yeah i would have yeah because you might have been able to get oh sorry i thought you meant if i was the mom or both of them if i found this i say i don't understand that it's rude to say you would do that if someone spilled the soup no other our sofa. No, other side.

You're the ma'am. So she flips the cushion and she puts the soup on the cushion and flips it and then that night I pick up the cushion and I go, fucks this and you go,

oh, she must have spilled the soup and I go, well, well, fucking tell now the daft mare. You would go, you can't do that, it's rude. I'd tell her, I'd go, oh, you forgot something?

Come round and get it. She'd march in, I'd be standing there holding the cushion going, you think we didn't, you think we weren't going to find out? I go, I know everything that happens in this house. I sure know. Got cameras in every room, and come round and get it and she'd march in I'd be standing there holding the cushion going you think we didn't you think we weren't going to find out oh no

I know everything that happens in this house I sure do got cameras in every room you look at this look what you've done here Chris we're going to have

our kids partners one day in this house you can't be like that and I'm going to be I'm telling you right now fair warning I'm going to be a fucking nightmare I know you are

I'm going to be like a sleuth I already feel sorry for our kids yeah like partners in the future and friends who come round when we're older tell you what

there's going to be some rules laid down round here everyone has the come in gets a coaster they get their own coaster to carry round with their own unspillable cup to carry stuff round with and they're allowed just water in it and a little pack of wipes for their hands do you remember last week their own cup. With their names on. Their own unspillable cup to carry stuff around with and they're allowed just water in it,

that's all. Water bath. And a little pack of wipes for their hands. Do you remember last week when Angela and Steph came round? Yeah. And we wouldn't let her go

in the main room because she had a glass of red wine. Yeah, she's not allowed, Angela's not allowed. Yeah, Rosie's friend, Angela, famously the one who, oh, well,

I can't even say what she did in our old house because I get told off in case she hears this. What did she do? When she just ragged the boiler tap off the wall. Oh, don't, don't. Fucking, it's been long enough, I'm going even say what she did in our old house because I get told off in case she hears this. What did she do? When she just ragged the boiler tap off the wall. Oh, don't, don't.

Fucking, it's been long enough. I'm going to say it, yeah. She said, eh, that tap's stiff. I heard it. I thought, that's, oh, it's not stiff. She's done something wrong here. That tap's stiff. It wasn't stiff.

You weren't using it properly, and you decided, you went with stiff when the actual reality, it was, you were doing it fucking wrong and then that night I went to put boiling water in the baby bottle

and the tap moved because she'd fucked it and it scalded my hand oh no don't your mum does that as well your mum does it as well she'll go

Chris there's something wrong with right you broke what what you done what have you broke show us it because you've broke it you're horrible

that thing there is loose you're horrible you that thing there is loose so you broke it you're horrible you're awful just people are awful who break your shit throughout my life people have broke my shit

too much and I've got my guard up you know like I was watching Married at First Sight and they're like I've been cheated on in the past or I've been let down in the past

so I find it hard to trust I'm the same with my stuff with your stuff people have fucked my stuff up since the first time no you're me stuff up since the first time some twat in school took me brand new gold pencil case

and fucking scribbled on it I've been wary of everyone with me stuff you're too materialistic you're pathetic wow

get over yourself wow as always thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Maradonoid, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. Yes, it is, guys. Thank you so much for listening.

Thank you so much for being part of it. If you've been at live shows, thank you. If you're on your way to one of the live shows, thank you again. Tickets are on sale for the arena shows in December and we can't wait to see each and every one of you there. Big love. Back in the years next week. Bye.

Bye. Bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder.

April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now

to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.