Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 135. Turbo time

Episode Date: September 24, 2021

On the podcast this week Chris and Rosie dig out some old questions that never made the podcast. There's a 12 inch garlic bread, turbo wees and some unfortunate translation. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Maranoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and him. dot ca special because that's my favourite part of the podcast yeah it's a lot of people's favourite part of the podcast so know what

we've been up to because we're far too busy this has been recorded in advance can we just say I'm not far too busy Chris has got

14 gigs 14 shows in 10 days I have so I've got Sma I've got my own stand up

and I've got a TV show which I'm not allowed to say what it is yet so just to let you all know that he's putting all of them before us wow I'm not allowed to say what it is yet so just to let you all know that he's putting all of them

before us wow I'm physically not here I'm physically not here for 10 days I tell you what

my dirty washing bag that I'm going to bring home at the end of that stint is going to be fucking intimidating

intimidating and do you know what it is it's all dark as well because you don't wear many light colours

so I'll have to do I'm a depressive dresser you really are very dark it's almost like I've been dressed by Tim Burton

bit gothy I'm not a no fielding level but I'm always always dark it's always dark well I look forward to that well here we go just don't put gym stuff

in there as well I can't do it I can't do it I can't be taking gym stuff people who take gym stuff away and they go oh yeah if they're away for like

a week and they're like oh yeah I go to the gym I go well you've just got like a sweaty pair of kegs in your case for a week like what are you supposed to do actually what do people do with that or what i'll pay like what 400 quid for the hotel to wash it you know what you it's crazy that's something i've never done no get laundry done by a hotel it looks very it's very impressive sometimes i put it i'll get i'll get the I'll get the laundry bag from the hotel

and I'll just use that as my dirty washing bag but sometimes I leave it out in the room and I think, oh shit, I hope they don't think I want that done

because they'll take it away. Yeah, listen, why don't you get it done while you're at the hotel instead of bringing it here to Muggins? But then I haven't got a present to bring back for you.

I can't come back empty handed. I've got to bring you a present. I'm like Santa. Don't look, don't smile at me. I'm like Santa. I come back empty handed I've got to bring you a present I'm like Santa Don't smile at me I'm like Santa I come back with a big one I go ho ho ho little girl Who's being a good girl

Hey look at these Pour them over you while you're asleep Oh god You're lying Hey there's all the jay What does it smell like There's some socks for you Some are wet

Some are dry. Oh, you're horrible. Actually, you know what? Huh? Is it too early to say? What? A little bit excited for Christmas this year. Really?

Yeah. Seeing it already. Oh, we've had two utterly gash Christmases. I'm looking forward to this one. Yeah, yeah. Fair enough. Or was it just one? You had two because you were ill the other one.

I was ill. Yeah. I think I had the you know what. Blatantly COVID, yeah, yeah. You were done in one day what I blated the Covid actually For 2019 So I'm looking forward to it Right okay well it's only fucking September

So shut up about Christmas You're like a bloody supermarket Banging on So I've been calling us and Smith's tours the other day I couldn't believe what was going on No you didn't For real Yeah

Although there was a Playmobil back to the future one Which I think I'll get for myself Okay fair enough Because I'm five years old. Listen, enjoy the questions from the public. Yes, everyone, enjoy them. Hope you're all well, and we will be back properly next week. Yes, indeed.

Here's the jingle. Jingle? Christmas jingle. Shut up. Stop it. No, no, no, no, no. Our normal jingle. Here it is.

Jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Jingle!

Hello, Chris and Rosie. Big fan and on my third listen through. Holy fuck, how much time you got in your hand oh my god thank you if i ever meet you you're gonna quote something and i'm not gonna know what it is people are busy quoting something that i said i must have said a while ago what is the film where if you don't talk about someone they die or something i can't even remember saying it but it was coco coco yeah right people have been saying it's coco and i'm like what's coco when did i when did i say this right okay i can't remember at all isn't it i

don't think it's banks is it banks someone there's a there's a quote there's a famous quote saying was it andy warhol anyway it's some artist it's definitely not banksy i might i don't fucking know look there's a quote. What is the quote? The quote is you die twice. You die when you die, when you actually die. And the second time you die is the last time someone says your name.

Oh. Oh. It's quite a nice quote. I can't remember who the fuck said it. That's not a nice quote. You should probably Google it. I think it's quite a good quote. Because there is going to be one day

that people don't talk about you anymore, isn't there? Not me. Nah, no way. They'll talk about me forever. Urban myth. If you think they're not going to talk about me, it's an urban myth. Well, look, listen. I still talk about... Oh, it's there? Not me. Nah, no way. They'll talk about me forever. Urban myth. If you think they're not going to talk about me, it's an urban myth.

Well, listen, I still talk about... Oh, it's Banksy? Oh, it was Banksy. It was Banksy. I apologise. I mean, they say... Sorry, Banksy, if you're listening. Imagine.

Yeah, I don't know. A quote by Banksy. I mean, they say you die twice. One time when you stop breathing and a second time a bit later on when somebody says your name for the last time. Wow, that's grim and beautiful all at the same time. Is that Banksy quote in that quote?

No, it is Banksy, yeah, yeah. I thought Banksy was an artist rather than a quoteist. Is he a spoken artist? I thought he just drew stuff. Well, I think he talks about stuff. Do we know who he is? I don't know. Does he wear a balaclava? Definitely when he's shagging.

Yeah, but do we know what Banksy looks like yet or not? I don't think so. No? I don't think anyone knows what he looks like. There's theories that as many people as... I went to an exhibition of his once in Bristol. It was amazing. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

God, it's great. But I still don't know if we know who he is. No? I don't think we do. Right. Okay. Ooh. Mysteries, mysteries.

Mysteries, mysteries. Banksy, Banksy. Anyway, back to the story. Okay. no i don't think we do right okay oh and oh oh mysteries mysteries mysteries anyway back to the story um okay she's listened to it three times round helps take my mind off the absolute shit show that is life at the minute yeah oh yeah yeah yeah completely glad we could help my friend has many a story but here's my favorite okay Alright. Upon visiting his favourite takeaway post night out he ordered his go-to meal of a 12 inch cheesy garlic bread. Wow. Nice.

Is that big? On his own a 12 inch so a cheesy garlic bread for me I can have a couple of bits of cheesy garlic bread but it gets a bit

sort of samey and a bit salty. A 12 inch cheesy garlic bread to yourself is pretty fucking impressive. That's pretty impressive, yeah. So if you look at me hands now,

so a 12-inch pizza is probably about that. For those of you not, obviously this is an audio medium, I just got my penis out. I'm joking. And tripled it seven times. And said, times up by 100. What do you mean you can't say it

oh stop it made two kids that it's a canny little thing this is so weird this podcast I don't know why I said that what is our life Chris I don't know talk about your dick

anyway after being told i don't know what our life is anymore i think joking that it was massive then joking it was tiny and then coming and then meeting somewhere in the middle with the phrase it's a canny little thing as well like refer to my penis as a canny little thing is one of the weirdest things i've ever done i think you said it not me. I like it. It's up there. Stop. Stop reviewing me penis on the podcast.

Chris, I'm telling you right now. Stop it. No, listen. Honestly, gun against my head. Wouldn't have married you if it was shit. Great. Okay, then.

Why marry... I'm sorry. Whoever's marrying someone with either a shit willy or a shit vagina, if they've seen it before they get married, then you weren't looked at

because you've got to live with that for the rest of your life. Yeah, you are shallow, do you know that? You are a shallow piece of shit, do you know that? Oh, what, because I want to marry a nice penis? Yeah, okay. I am a nice penis. You are a nice penis. Listen, you're getting embarrassed, let's stop. I am, it's weird. After being told it'll be a 15 minute

wait, the hungry chap asked for some fried chicken to eat while he waited. Brilliant, Eastman's a fucking animal no after polishing off said chicken and receiving his garlic bread he realized he was a bit full but it was his favorite what was a man to do okay give it away keep it to the morning no not want to waste the taste he set off on his way home chewing mouthful after mouthful of the delicious cheesy garlicky goodness but i thought he was full i hear you ask he was in his genius drunken state he had the idea to chew and get all the taste but never swallow no yes he spat out each mouthful of the whole 12-inch cheesy garlic bread

on his way home like a modern-day Hansel and Gretel. That is gross. Imagine walking behind him on the way home. Well, you know sometimes when you see some stuff on the pavement and you think, what is that? Now, well, you know, he's answered some questions because that's somebody who's walked home eating a 12-inch cheesy garlic bread

but not swallowed it and just spat it out. He's essentially gargled with cheesy garlic bread. The dirty... Oh, man. I mean, is it clever because he has got the taste? But, like... Oh, man. And how much will...

Like, he must have been really full. He must have been really, really full. But he's still sticking it in his face. Oh, God, can you imagine... Like, I'm sorry, can you imagine the state of his face when he got in? It must have been running down his fucking chin. He must have been, like, burnt to the side. Bits of it must have been catching on his shoulder.

Oh, Christ. There'd be bits of it on his shoes. It's not a good look oh hey honestly if I was walking behind him back in my yobbish night out days if I was walking behind him

and he was just spitting his beer I'd have pushed him in a hedge yeah I'd have pushed him straight in a hedge is it weird that just hearing this story

okay don't what it doesn't make you want a cheesy garlic bread no it doesn't make us want a cheesy garlic bread. No, it doesn't make us want a cheesy garlic bread. Although I would never say no. Right.

I miss going out. Right, okay. I miss going out and get absolutely bladdered and going to the pizza shop after. Yeah, going to the pizza shop after. I really miss it. What's your go-to pizza shop order after a night out? Before kids, because now we're just going straight home. Margarita, chips, garlic sauce.

Always regret the garlic sauce always regret the garlic sauce every single time woke up every morning regretting the garlic sauce still got it the next time yeah yeah yeah mine's um chips and garlic sauce all the time we used to go to a place that did uh the top of fowler street and king street shout out it's called tamo's tamo's back in the day yeah yeah we used to get uh maybe make school halfers on onion because you got two in the book chris eat them like an apple it's in the book is it in the book yeah yeah we used to get maybe make school halfers on onion barges because you got two in the packet it's in the book Chris eat them like an apple it's in the book is it

it's in the book yeah we ate them like an apple so there you go you'd have known that if you'd have read it back but you didn't bother yeah I did proofread it

muggins had to do it gold goes straight down on the page and I move on busy man I don't think I don't think anyone

proofreads the books of course they do urban myth no stop it with this urban myth I think I found my new thing I think my new thing is just telling you of course they do urban myth no stop it with this urban myth I think I found my new thing I think my new thing

is just telling you that stuff's an urban myth I actually think you might be the only person in the history of authoring who hasn't proofread the book

don't do it don't do it waste of time busy lots going on I drop my genius onto the page someone else deals with it

wow to get it out of the world wow and I move on to my next fantastic adventure great I meant venture not adventure but it still makes really just didn't read it back just didn't read it back it could be anything in there i could have just okayed all of your stuff and it was utter shite you'll never know definitely not because no no way you could have turned the font of genius that i poured onto that page there's no way you could have turned

that sour with any wow with anything you did. Right, great. Paperback's out. Oh, it is actually. Yeah, paperback. I want my paperback paperback paperback

paperback paperback paperback book. Probably yourself. It's lagging me off. You know what you should have done, right? You should have went out of the room

done that little little rap to yourself proofread it came back in and realised it was no good. You know what you should have done, right? You should have went out of the room, done that little rap to yourself, proofread it, came back in and realised it was no good. That was quite good. Thank you. Babadoo babadoo babadoo.

Dear Chris and Rosie, to put it into perspective, me and my boyfriend are both 23 and live separately still at our parents' houses. I live in Cheshire and him in the West Midlands. Me and my boyfriend have been together for over a year now and have been able

to spend months at a time with each other during the long month lockdowns. Right. So hold on. Cheshire, West Midlands. Are they far?

I'm not even screwing with water. Hour and a half. Sorry. Probably about an hour and a half as a guest. Cheshire's like Manchester, we're in it further out. Posh Manchester. Cheshire. I Manchester we're in it further out past Manchester

Cheshire I thought it was like Liverpool no it's around there somewhere it's where the footballers live yeah and then West Midlands is the west of the

so a bit south a couple hours two hours probably I used to go from when I used to live in Manchester you'd go Manchester to Leicester in an hour and a half

down the M6 possibly something like that well okay then great thank you very much but when it was lockdown yeah yeah I'm just letting people know. They were staying there for months at a time

at each other's parents' houses. Okay, fair enough. Anyway, one of the months that I stayed over fell on an important deadline for university. The night before the deadline, he brought a spare mattress into the bedroom and said that he needed a good night's sleep before the big presentation

and so didn't want to sleep next to me. Sorry, where's he got the spare mattress from? Well, I don't know. Oh, so they're at his house? They're at his house. Right, okay. I completely understood as I am a very active mover when I sleep. I quite often rotate the bedsheets and unpin the lining without realising.

Horrible. I've also kicked him a few times and known to me. Brilliant. So, I slept on the normal bed and him on the floor mattress. We both slept very, very well. And neither of us over hot or grabbing for covers. However, now that he knows he can sleep very well on another mattress, it is something he has started asking to do more recently.

Wow. It's as if we are having a sleepover in the same room. I make sure he knows that I miss sleeping next to him, so in the morning he will wake me up with a cup of tea and a cuddle back in the normal bed. Got you. However, I am actually secretly loving having a full bed myself as I am sleeping better than ever.

Wow. I get to sleep in the morning without him waking me up and even get more time to cuddle in the morning and at night before he goes to bed i'm trying to make him feel bad for sleeping elsewhere as it's only every few weeks i can visit him for a night or two brilliant so she is happy that she's sleeping in the bed on her own and that he's on a on a mattress on floor, like a squat, like a hostel. But she's making him feel bad about it. Why is she making him feel bad about it? So she's happy about it.

He's happy about it. They're both having a great time. But she's making him feel bad about it But they're only 23 sleeping in separate beds. Right, okay. Come on. It's not good, is it?

Yeah, I suppose. I was going to say, get a bigger bed. If that room can fit, I know people aren't made of money. No, no, no, Chris, I'm agreeing with you. If that room can fit two I know people aren't made of money. No, no, no. No, Chris, I'm agreeing with you. If that room can fit two mattresses in,

what were they sleeping in a single bed together at first? Because a single bed sleeping with two people is fucking horrible. We've all done it. Horrible. Remember the first time you stayed at my mum and dad's and we never did it again? Nah, grim. Awful.

It's not good. I would honestly suggest saving up and getting a bigger bed. Best thing we ever did buying that Super King size. It's massive. I hardly see you. See, we're not in the same bed. Honestly. And everybody on Instagram,

I put a picture on the other day and I'm in me, we've got a spare room and it's got two single beds for when people come to sleep. People think we sleep in separate beds now. Great, keep that up.

No, no, no, let people know that. That's great. Working together has really took its toll sleeping in two single beds next to each other. People are commenting like, hey, are you and Chris in separate beds?

It's like, no. It's okay though, because we hold hands in the gap. But to be honest with you, there's something, you know, like you do sleep better when you're not in the bed with someone.

We sleep better because we've got the massive bed. Yeah, but she sounds like the massive bed wouldn't solve the issue because she sounds like a nightmare with covers. Can you remember when someone got in touch and said that they've got two separate duvets? So maybe if you've listened,

dear reader here, dear writer, if you've listened, done your fucking research, bigger bed, two separate duvets. Sit down. There you go. Thank you for your comment. But still, you're 23 and you've got unfortunately you have to go through the process of the single bed sharing of the double bed sharing of the shit you know you just have to go through the process in your life of

sharing a bed really intensely with someone before you get to an age where you go i'm nearly 35 fuck off yeah well there you go it's? So you've got that love for it. No, but when we got together, how old were we? 26, 27? 25. I don't know. Anyway, we used to cuddle every night. No, because you do and it's like, oh,

and then, you know, you're solidifying your relationship together. But then when you get to this age and you're married and you love each other and you've got children and stuff you don't have to do all of that anymore we still nice sometimes obviously just last night because we didn't get to read our books on holiday we brought the books home and we're reading now on a night so just last night you sat your you lay on your side the bed i'll lay on my side with a lamp on each read my books each in perfect silence and at one point i went this is lovely yes it is and i was like hi i'm 70 years old this is fantastic chris it was lovely then we turned over no we had a little kiss before we

went to bed we said good night turned over i don't remember that did you kiss me when i was asleep that's not cool that's you got it that's not no we did it's my thing that's the thing though even even when you're brand new with someone even when you're brand new and you're like everything's you know you go to sleep cuddling each other i've never woke up in the morning cuddling you even when we first got together even when you're brand new you've got you're like they're leaning on you and you still do that thing where you wake up at two in the morning boiling and go but you fucking get up it's very like i think like you say everyone goes through that stage and it's lovely and i think it does really bring it together.

But, oh, no. Who can sleep cuddling all night? Whenever I watch a film or a TV show in the wake up in the morning cuddling, I go, bullshit. Bullshit. Bullshit. That didn't happen. No.

Of course it didn't happen. Lies. Urban myth. Urban myth. Urban myth. Urban myth. Here he goes. Urban myth.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Urban myth. Urban myth. Here he goes. Urban myth. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series.

This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real.

Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care.

From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Dear Rosie and Chris, I've waited 132 episodes for an opportunity to share one of my stupid life stories and after listening to last week's episode and hearing the submit your worst excuse for calling sick to work I just had to take the plunge Wonderful When I was 17 slash 18 I worked in a local restaurant as a waitress

I think it's fair to say that towards the end of this part time career the staff fucking hated me and I'm honestly surprised I didn't get the sack. Wow. As you can imagine, at this age of my life, I went out on the piss every single weekend. I remember them days so well. Naturally, as a part-time waitress, I always landed with the unfortunate event of the Sunday shift.

Oh, no. That's the thing, isn't it? At that point in your life, you go out all the time, but you only have a job that is... No, you have a job to go out, but you have the job and you always get the weekend shift. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, I know exactly what you mean. Yeah, your part-time job lands on the hours and times where you would be going out or being hungover. Yeah. I used to miss so many things for when I...

That's why i always went out with my workmates because they would all have the same time as i did yeah although you know at certain jobs the uh managers would specifically put me in while everyone was out on staff nights out so that was fun never never forgiven that i haven't um i think i excused myself from almost every sunday working there starting off with the bog standard lies of i've got tonsillitis or i think i've got the flu you don't get the flu at 17 not on a sunday no not on a sunday morning i want and once i even told them i had been spiked on a night out gee whiz that's intense still on the night out weren't you yeah yeah um did i first of all i've just had a little flashback here of being hung

over when i worked at the stadium light and and carrying Sunday dinners to people. And it was one of the, one of the most awful feelings, just walking along with a big tray full of Sunday dinners, hung over as far. Thinking you're going to drop it? Just, well, everything. So, pile everything on top of it. Hang on. Who? Why? What? Yeah, they used to do them in the, used to do them in the, used to do them in the director's suite. Sunday dinners in the, in the Stadium of Light, yeah.

Okay. They replied to this occasion. They spiked on the night out. Don't worry. It happens, Laura. I honestly think I had them wrapped around my little finger. Wow. Yeah.

One Sunday, I had hit the worst of all hangovers. In fact, I was probably not even home when my brain produced this miracle of an excuse. I had well and truly ran out of ideas and thought the common cold just wouldn't make the cut for the day off. I told... This is like such a big lie. I told my manager that I had been accidentally punched in the face trying to break up a fight in Newcastle. Crikey!

Due to this accidental injury, I was unable to speak as my jaw was in so much pain. Wow. As far as I'm aware, it worked a treat. However, to play up to this terrible lie, the next couple of shifts I went in and spoke with hardly any emotion, pretending my jaw was still not properly in place. You're a professional liar. This person's a danger to society.

You're a psychopath. And even the chefs in the kitchen proceeded to joke and ask me if I had been scrapping in town. I had to repeatedly explain the story that I was not the scrapper and I had attempted to break up a fight and was in fact battered in the jaw accidentally. God lord.

She believes this lie. Well, she said, looking back, it probably wasn't worth the fuss. I should have bit the bullet and accepted the hangover and worked the shift. That's such a big... But imagine being like, oh, can I talk? I'd forget me.

They're good, but they're also shit lies because all of her lies of why she can't come in on Sunday come from the fact that she was out on Saturday night. Like, look, I was out and yes, I was hammered, but I'm fine, but X, Y and Z happened instead. It's like, come on come on man i've never ever ever ever in the history of my all-time life work and had a boss who was all right with you ringing in no no well i still i've had so many people throughout my life not believe that i'm

not well i don't i've still i now still feel like when i'm not well people don't believe us well we put this in the book there's a whole bit constantly think people think i'm bullshitting all the time yeah i remember it's some jobs that i've had where you ring the boss of telling me ring the signal like oh oh right right and you're like oh sorry sorry do you own on that fucking company i don't think you do i don't think you personally are going to be you know what's it called when you get thingied over the over the stoves no what hauled over the stoves hauled over the coals aye

hauled over the coals dragged over the coals I think aye whatever Christ what a couple of dickheads we are I know what you mean though

no I hear that you're falling you're falling you're falling sick to River Island oh yeah and it's like oh

oh god sorry am I missing giving someone a triple fucking bypass in the theatre no I'm not there'll just be less people to straighten up the fucking hang fucking bypass in the theatre no I'm not there'll just be less people to straighten up the fucking

hangers in River Island mate sorry I'm not there to welcome people into fucking River Island hello welcome River Island if you wanna are you doing alright there do you need any help

do you need any help are you doing alright do you need any help just one less of them yeah fucking hell I hated that you need to speak to

every single person who comes in the shop no I actually don't. I feel like you can gauge it. I feel like you can gauge it. I feel like if someone's standing holding something, looking around,

you go, they definitely need help. I feel like if someone's just looking, you go, they don't need help. Yeah, can I help you? No. Can I invest you in the shoe care products?

Buying these shoes. Can I invest you in this dubbing? Put it on football boots. Two pound. Oh, don't put me in the shoe section because if you think I'm climbing up them two flights of stairs every time somebody

wants to try on one of them boots you can piss off put me on put me on the changing rooms please I'll catch all the robbers loads of robbers

the drama when you're on the changing rooms and you're going to one of the changing rooms and you're like and there's just tags all over the floor

and you're like oh my god oh my god there's been there's been a theft! It was getting exciting. It was a foil-lined bag in all sports. Well, yeah.

It was a foil-lined bag. But it was very exciting. But then obviously the same manager who you've rang in sick is just, you know, well, that's come out of my very own purse! It's another quiet Christmas in my household! Two-piece! Oh, two pieces. Removing their own clothes

to replace them. To be fair, they probably did get bollocked. They probably got bollocked. Yeah, no. Head office. Would you not remember whenever the area manager was in?

Oh, shit. Oh, when the area manager came in. Oh, my God. It was like the queen was coming. It's just ridiculous. Like, white guys wouldn't have to work until midnight tonight because like the queen was coming. Just ridiculous. Like white guys going to have to work until midnight tonight

because the area manager's coming. Like, oh, is this some sort of joke? Yeah, the area manager's been in watching yesterday, guys, and she needs a meeting after this because she's not happy with everything.

Oh, by the area manager. Hello, you've just met me and I'm about to bollock the fuck out of you all. Oh, great. Is that the business structure that we're going for here?

Yes, it is. Yes. Surprise, motherfuckers. Big love to everyone who works in retail, by the way. Oh, big love to everyone in retail for the shit you have to deal with. Yeah, it's not an easy job. Thank you. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Hi, Chris and Rosie. Just listening to episode 125 about the girl who hasn't washed her dressing gown. This got a lot of responses. Minga. Oh, Minga, it should do as well. A lot of people said, why didn't you just wash the dressing gown and not the belt oh there you go hey i tell you what listen these listeners they know they know the score is it weird that that's just impressed me so much i'm proud of everyone we didn't think of that just wash the dressing

gown not the belt mind it is hard when we're sat here and you just we are go through the questions Chris has no idea what they are this is just little surprise little podcast for Chris

it's me stag do every week it's me stag do I don't know what's coming but you don't sometimes it's not until you hear it later you think back that you think

oh well I could have said that or you know and I just want to say it again I say this all the time where opinions change constantly. Yeah. So please, in two years time, don't tell us something that I said on this podcast

if I say something different because I'm very fickle. Jeez. And my opinions change constantly. So you know what I mean? You said in 2019 on episode number six that you didn't like blue slippers but now you've got to pay.

Right, great. Anyway. very impressive. If someone comes up with something like that I go, okay.

The will, the will, Chris, the will. It's impressive, it's impressive. So, hi Chris and Rosie.

Blahdy blahdy blah, what I just said. I think maybe I have the male version of her in my life. Oh God, grief. My boyfriend has a...

It's... I don't... Is she just spelled denim wrong or does she mean to spell denim? Right, okay. It's got to be denim. My boyfriend has a denim style jacket or what should look like denim.

Denim. She's spelled it D-E-N-I-U-M. Hang on, I'm going to have to Google this. There might be something different. Are we about to find out that that's how you spell denim and we've been spelling denim wrong forever? No, unfortunately she's actually spelled it wrong. But that's fine because, you know, we're not all perfect.

She's just spelled it wrong. It's D-E-N-I-M denim. So it's not denim. Sorry, people who get their dicks out about how good they are at spelling can get in the fucking sea oh yeah in my opinion my mum does it all the time my mum's good at spelling

and she bangs on about it and like where's it got you nowhere I haven't seen you win the spelling competition Anne I'm not impressed

pointless my phone does it listen it should you know she feels good when she does it to us

so that's that's just winning it's not a talent it's rubbish children, fair enough, you learn to let it go L-E-T I-T

G-U-O G-U-O so anyway, my boyfriend has a denim styled jacket or what should look like denim that he won't let me wash because it adds character brilliant it's fucking brown it's that monkey at the cuffs right that's what you yeah i can see it i can see it's yeah it's so disgusting and it's dirty and it's but it adds

character apparently anyway the reasoning behind this is when he was at university, in brackets he's 35 now. Great. Instead of washing his clothes, he used to go to the local charity shop, which sold him a black bin bag of clothes for £5. Got you. In brackets, I still don't understand what he did with the dirty clothes. Surely it would just accumulate over time. Maybe he swapped them. It really would.

Maybe he did swap them. Yeah. just accumulate over time. It really would. Maybe he did swap them. Sometimes the bin bag had suits in it. Sometimes shoes. Sometimes clothes that didn't even fit.

Why didn't he just pick them the dick? I don't know. I've got loads of good stuff from charity shops. Back in the day when I was at uni, I would get leather jackets from charity shops. I would get really mint stuff. He's got a pick and mix bin bag from the charity shop, The Mentalist, for £5. Not even pick and mix. It's a fucking kinder surprise yeah and she's put here and you know what the worst

part of it is as a 35 year old man 90 of his wardrobe came from those bags and he won't part with any of it no matter how rank because it's a good story wow a good story hey hey james where did you get that disgusting denim jacket well actually when i was in university darren i got it for five pound out of a monkey bin bag wow yeah hey hey james why do you smell like shit and me dog's trying to eat your shoe well that's because it's 15 years old and it wasn't mine in the first place. No, look, I'm all up for wearing, I've got clothes that I've had for far too long just because if they're still okay, in fast fashion isn't great, but you know.

Sounds to me that it's a style thing. You might be a bit of a grungy guy. You might be a bit of an indie boy at uni and you know. You're not supposed to wash denim. I mean, yes, but you're not meant to let it rot at the cuffs neither. Yeah, I suppose. I mean, can you get it meant to let it rot at the cuffs neither yeah i suppose i mean can you get it dry cleaned i don't know i don't understand you could probably get

dry cleaned just yeah i love that he just got a kinder surprise i mean what there could be anything in there it's quite exciting really what were they doing oh here comes that fucking pillock again thinks he's cool yeah put all that old shite that won't day hang up in that bag. Stick that wedding dress in that we can't sell. The one with blood on it. He'll have that. He'll have that. Fucking idiot. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Dear Chris and Rosie, I am an American married to a Brit. Congratulations. Well done. I grew up in an area surrounded by lakes and swam in them every summer. Oh, God. This spoke to me personally right well they right okay right okay listen no no it's not it's not bad it's not it's just it's okay my english wife she's from norwich finds swimming in lakes disgusting she has an irrational fear of fish and of being sucked into lake muck and drowning it's not rational my question is this why are English people

afraid to swim in murky lakes there's nothing to feet about a muddy bottom and my bonus question is why or why

does my entire does your entire fucking nation hate sand it's not so bad he's totally he's totally got a point what was the feet

to muck you what the hell was that so I don't like swimming in lakes right and I hate fish touching me feet right and I genuinely think a lot of English people he's totally got a point what was the feet to mock you what the hell was that so I don't like swimming in lakes right and I hate fish touching me feet right and I genuinely think

a lot of English people don't like that because when you watch films American films or they just get in lakes and they just don't give a shit yeah and they all fucking die

how do they die there's always films where they die and get in lakes and stuff not the ones I watch they look like they're having a bloody lovely time

they've all got jetties at the bottom of the houses and they jump off out the jetty and swim in the lake that was exactly what i was thinking yeah but we're terrified of them what's happened have we have we watched something from the national curriculum we've watched stuff from america films from america you know they're always lovely they're not always lovely you've seen friday the 13th he's bloody in the lake at the end he jumps out and gets them

does he who's that sorry spoilers Jason it's like 50 year old spoiler we'll get an email

I was saving Friday the 13th until the new one came out Friday the 13th number 20 and you spoiled the first one for me

you ruined ruined my day please please put a trigger warning please put a trigger warning before ruining films from the 70s fucking dicks now listen has it been long enough the point is right i'm not i'm not blaming the american here but i'm just saying you're american and the american the culture of movies and horror movies mainly comes from america and stuff we've seen growing up you know films about giant fucking crocodiles and and sharks yeah you know i know that this american emailing isn't personally responsible for jaws and lake placid but all i'm saying is you know we we it's probably

because we don't have as many of them here but because because we don't have the the weather to be fair depending what part of weather i mean this person sounds like they grew up in an amazing place yeah yeah but they've probably got more reason to be frightened of their lakes than we have of ours because there's probably fuck all in ours apart from some condoms and a shopping trolley. But in American lakes, if I watch River Monsters

when he goes to this giant fucking catfish and horrible manky stuff, they've got loads of shit in their lakes but they don't give a fuck. Just think, it's just a... What's it called? An international divide thing? What's it called? An international divide thing? What's it called?

An international divide thing. I don't, you've got like a north-south divide but like an international divide. I don't know. Yeah. And we've got the Loch Ness Monster. Have we though?

What, do you think the Loch Ness Monster's real? Oh, fuck me. No. Do you not? No. So is there no way that it's real?

Is it absolutely not real? I'm going to get, I'm going to, do you know what it is? Someone's going to email in who works for the fucking Loch Ness Monster tourist board and says that my... Your comments...

No, your comments! Your irresponsible comments, Sassenach, have cost our... We sold five less postcards with the Loch Ness Monster on this week because of what you said. Look, Adina, probably not. Probably not.

But it could be. Well, isn't there a thing where they reckon there could be a tunnel underneath it that gets to the sea so it could have just been a manatee or something

or it could just be someone. It's a tunnel. They've said it for years, haven't they? They reckon that there could be caves under it. Because it's like a fucking gigantic Loch Ness.

It's massive. And they've always set little submarines down looking. And it's murky as fuck. It's like looking for something in a cup of tea. So they have looked for the Loch Ness Monster?

There's loads of documentaries and stuff on it. I used to watch it. I was obsessed with it when I was a kid. I used to watch it. See, I don't know much about it. There was a thing. Wasn't there a really old photo of it where it looked like a Brontosaurus's head

or a Brontosaurus's head coming out of the river? Was it a dinosaur? It was just a floating thing, wasn't it? I don't know. They reckon it's a dinosaur. I mean, come on. I need to do a bit more research. There must be another podcast that covers bullshit like this

we don't have to get into this sorry I want to chat about old legends I want to do an old mythical legend section listen we've done a sweaty arse crack section we can't do another specialised section leave old mythicals until next week and then the week after we'll do old mythical legendary sweaty arse cracks

right great I bet he had a sweaty crack anyway hi chris and rosie love the show and me and my girlfriend listen avidly thank you very much thanks so the way my girlfriend eats biscuits literally makes my hairs stand on edge as i think it's disgusting what oh right okay no no hang on i'm just right i'm just trying to think how can you eat biscuits disgustingly i think you're gonna be on board with this i think you're gonna be fine this is similar to you oh she will grab a handful of biscuits and a glass of water she will then proceed to take a bite of the biscuit and then open her mouth and pour a glug of water before chewing the biscuit with the water, then repeat with every bite. Right, yeah.

I don't drink tea, but I can kind of understand dunking a biscuit in tea. But plain water? So my question is, do you think this is normal? Right, okay. Yeah, I can get on board with this. Biscuit and water. No, but I enjoy a crisp with a glug of juice. You do it with juice, yeah. I do.

It's really weird. It must have a name. It's got a name, I think yeah I do it's really weird it must have a name it's got a name I think I think it's called being a dirty sod no no that's a few words I think this is something

because I didn't know that people did this kind of thing really that's exciting so you have your favourite one to do it with

is like hula hoops isn't it you do look at it you do look at it when you're doing stuff like that it'll kick you out the window

yeah so Rosie will throw some hula hoops in her mouth crunch a couple of times just to sort of split them in half oh my god you're obsessed with this

Rosie it makes so much noise it makes so much noise it's like a pig feeding from a trough that's what it sounds like so she pulls them in and goes like

just a couple of little bites just to crunch them up a little bit and then just pours a load of mouthful of it and then just like you sit don't you and you just let them dissolve in the juice in your mouth it can be a bit dangerous there's been a few times when i've sucked the water in that i have

choked a little bit i mean you got stuff off of your arm it's worth it worth it um what i do and i do enjoy doing that. Mine, okay, water. Biscuits and water. Bit plain, innit? Really strange. It's like, it's kind of like eating your biscuit

out of the bath. Yeah. I find it really, I do find it weird. And I've got a funny feeling, he hasn't said what kind of biscuit it is, but I've got a feeling

it's a plain digestive. It's going to be, or a rich tea. Yeah. Which essentially what she's doing is giving herself basically a mouthful of sand.

Yeah. Wet sand. Okay, no, no well listen i'm on her side because obviously i'm part of the uh drinking whilst eating appreciation society that i've just made good is that what that meeting was that you went to the other day oh yeah yeah yeah in the village hall yeah that was us very echoey very echoey for your hula hoop crunching ones I do honestly I can't eat a pack of barbecue hula hoops without a glass of juice it's horrible

it's horrible I get them I get Ribena with it on the train teach yourself levelled up babadoo babadoo babadoo bah

hey Chris and Rosie not really a question but I felt compelled to tell you Me and my husband's Very weird peeing habits When we are drunk Since this week's podcast Has been urine based

When was this? When were we urine based? God knows Anyway This person and their husband Lady and a man I'm guessing We have invented the turbo wee Great

This is when We use the toilet simultaneously Lady and a man, I'm guessing. We have invented the turbo wee. Great. This is when we use the toilet simultaneously. I sit on the loo with my legs open, so there's a gap in between my legs. Then my husband goes down on his knees, facing straight at me, and puts his winky in the gap aiming downwards. Stop, sorry.

Never, ever, ever, ever see a winky on this podcast again rosie the next time someone emails in and the word winky is you change that you edit that on the fly anything but the word winky okay this that's the word that is the worst sentence okay sorry then my husband goes down on his knees facing straight at me and puts his circus dick in the gap aiming downwards we pee looking straight at each other it's the weirdest give it a go, it will bring yous closer together

prison, prison, get them in prison please don't say my name my friends I should say it, oh yeah yeah yeah you're going on about that but please don't say my name eee normally, this is the closest I've ever been to wanting to not make someone anonymous that is the weirdest shit yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, you're going on about that, but please don't see me. E. Normally, this is the closest I've ever been to wanting to not make someone anonymous because that's just,

that is the weirdest shit. Question. Yeah? Why does he kneel down? How large is his circus dick? Well, I imagine his aim's not very good. I imagine it's not even kneeling, I imagine it's squatting.

So he's just way all over her. So, that is the horriblest, that is one of the horriblest things I've ever heard of a couple doing. So, yeah, yeah, yeah. That is one of the worst things. She's sat there, he's sat there on his knees.

That's one of the worst things I've ever heard of a man and woman doing together. And I've watched documentaries about couples who murder people. And that's disturbed me more. I know. It's the looking at you, imagine if they kiss while they're doing it

imagine the smell after they've been on a sesh but then everybody will be like that yours or mine? I don't know it's ours get in the bin only when they're drunk

they're ashamed of it you see babadoo babadoo babadoo hi Rosie and Chris drunk they're ashamed of it you see only when they're drunk hi rosie and chris i wanted to share a story with you about a time i tried to use google translate and it went very wrong happy days remember when someone put the latin thing at the end of the email yeah this is along the same lines okay this happened about seven years ago but still haunts me to this day. I had recently been employed as a PA for the director of a company whose name shall stay anonymous. When my boss asked me to go to London Heathrow Arrivals to collect a very important new employee who was moving here to start a new job within the company.

Wow. That's like something off a film, that, isn't it? Going to collect the new person from the airport. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. It happens, you know. We just don't have jobs like this. Got you. But people have jobs like this, like PAs and stuff like that.

I always think that would be quite an interesting job. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Do you agree? What is a PA? Personal assistant. Oh, well, I mean, it depends who the assistant's for. If you're a personal assistant at work, it would be boring as fuck.

If you're a personal assistant to someone, yeah. Yeah, but they. If you're a personal assistant to someone, yeah, who has to... Yeah, but it'd have to be, like, there'd have to be a high-flying, you know, interesting person. Yeah, captain of industry. Yeah. All right, then, yeah. Unless it's like...

Have you seen the film... Oh, what's it called? Great, here we go. Here we go. Devil Wears Prada. Right, okay. Have you seen that? Oh, that's annoying.

Yes. She's a PA. Right. And our boss is a dick right so it's she does not make the job look that good right okay but I wouldn't want that one

I'd want to be a good one so you would want to be a PA but some just for someone really exciting and sort of international like you want to be like James Bond's PA

yeah oh no too dangerous too dangerous right okay M who's M Judy Dench's character no far too dangerous get us out of the world okay. M? Who's M? Judi Dench's character from James Bond. No, far too dangerous.

Get us out of the world of crime. What are you talking about? It's not crime. It's bloody espionage. How dare you? I know, but it's like... All right, then. Okay.

I'm all right to be PA for, you know, underground bloody criminals. Right, okay. Would you be a footballer's PA? Possibly. Right, okay. Bit boring. Right. Jesus.

Right. I know, but I'd have to go to the matches alright then unless I sit in the box owner of fucking Shell oil the oil company Shell

owner of them that could you'd probably go to a lot of places in the world right yeah okay then fair enough Jesus

painful good pension probably do you not do you know what's so funny I don't know if this is a thing that happens to everybody

but do you not feel like I know all of my parents friends or people who they know who've got good jobs what does your mum and dad tell you just

they don't tell you everyone else's job but when someone's got a good job they're like such and such you know yeah yeah yeah you know what I mean that's good but that's just

your parents trying to instill in you that you need to have a good job yeah but like working such and such you know yeah yeah yeah you know what I mean that's good but that's just your parents trying to instill in you that you need to have a good job yeah but Shell always used to come up did it work for Shell work for Shell that's so weird

because it's a northeast thing because a lot of people work offshore that's why in my head when I thought of them I could have said Mark Zuckerberg I could have said

fucking Elon Musk from Tesla but I went Shell because I'm exactly the same because my dad's mate works for Shell and he got a good pension and it's a good pension

see that's weird that innit there you go alright Elon Musk would it be Elon Musk's PA is he Tesla and SpaceX

boring the boring the boring company is one of his companies the boring but it would just be technology and it would be it would go over my head

yeah to be fair you'd be a fucking nightmare it would be awful honestly Elon Elon what's the wifi I can't get on the wi Elon Elon and it would go over my head. Yeah, to be fair, you'd be a fucking nightmare. It would be awful. Honestly, you'd be... Elon, Elon, what's the Wi-Fi? I can't get on the Wi... Elon! Elon!

What's the Wi-Fi? Yeah, which one? Capitals or not? Get rid of her. Fucking get rid of that fish wife out of here, please. You don't use petrol stations! What?

Eh? Eh? Elon, I've curbed the alloys again again oh listen you've named

really shit ones so alright I'll just want like Leonardo DiCaprio absolutely yes

get me on the yacht honestly I'll condom him up I'll condom him up I'll condom him so are you referring to the time when he gets photographed on yachts with beautiful women

yes that's that's the worst thing you've ever said so we've gone from you being arrested to be a PE to go and see the world we've whittled it down to you want to be

Leonardo DiCaprio's fucking condom holder for when he goes on yachts with beautiful women much like Snoop Dogg you know Snoop Dogg pays someone 50 grand a year

to roll joints for him right that's a job mate I haven't done it for a long time he's got a guy he's got a guy who sits and rolls joints

really you want to be Leonardo DiCaprio's condom on rubber. Listen, if I can be on the yacht. Horrific. If I can just be on the yacht. Just call us whenever. Why don't you just work on a yacht?

Why don't you be a captain's PA on a yacht? Because I'd have to do all the other shitty jobs. You'd just want to open condoms. Open condoms for Leo. How many hours a week do you think that is, opening condoms? Seven. Bollocks. Once a day.

Oh, God. So anyway, back to the question. Yes. Now I've found my dream job. Yeah. The man was moving here from Austria or Germany. I can't remember which country and I'm rubbish at geography. So am I.

And I decided to use Google Translate to make a friendly welcome sign in his language for me to hold up at arrivals. Or so I thought. I had not long been standing in the arrivals hall holding up my sign and smiling eagerly at everyone who was coming through when I started to get a few dodgy looks. Oh no.

Oh, because they'll all be from the same place. Yeah, yeah, yeah, of course. Oh, a few double takes and the occasional head shake of disapproval. I was still smiling when this smart and very stern businessman walked up to me and said to me, do you know what your sign says? And I replied, yes, it says welcome to your new home.

And he says, no, your sign says welcome dead whores followed closely by my company's logo welcome dead whores welcome dead whores dead whores whores w-h-o-r-e-s it's like some kind of like racist anti-immigration like you know imagine if westborough baptist church like went to the airport to stop people coming to their country it was welcome dead welcome dead whores that's fantastic dead whores how did you get that i have no idea she said she was mortified dead whores it had the company logo right next to it oh yeah yeah

just to make it official like honestly imagine welcome dead whores McDonald's I'm loving it we hope you enjoyed that

thank you so much for listening to Shagman and Oid, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. Hey, what were they like? They were brilliant. The one about the bloody thing. And that one about the other one. And the one that we mentioned the thingy.

The stuff? How big was that? Or small? Or something. Adjective. Listen, we don't know what they were but we hope you enjoyed them. Guys, we'll be back In the years next week See you soon Bye You're invited

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