Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 137. Oh Crumbs

Episode Date: October 8, 2021

Rosie & Chris are back in your ears! The pair have a spanking new episode including a Celebrity Question, there’s a Rosie’s Mystery, some wonderful QFTP’s, long awaited beefs and a call from Rosie’s manager… it’s all happening! Enjoy x  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm.

You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shagmire Unannoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello. Hiya. How are you? I'm bloody, I'm good, actually.

You're on your maternity leave now, aren't you? I, oh, let's get straight. I'm so excited. Let's get straight in there. See, well, no, because sometimes when I'm like, hello, and I have a little moment, you tell us off for not getting straight in there. So I've gone straight in now. Mm, yeah. The first leg of the Shag Maradonoid tour is done.

Yeah. Thank you for everyone who came. And now, oh, who came and now oh who came lads and now Rosie's on her nine month late maternity leave

yeah and I'm bloody buzzing about it annoyingly though he doesn't sleep as much he doesn't the lovely thing about having a

maternity leave when they're really little is that they sleep quite a bit but now he's awake for most of the day he's awake for most of the day

and he's a friggin wrecking of the day he's awake for most of the day yeah and you know he's a friggin wrecking ball as well may I add he really is he's a lazy shit though he won't crawl no he won't crawl he won't fucking crawl

but he tries to climb out your arms when you're holding him now he's rave's at that age now where and he's really strong and he's really heavy he's an animal yeah

and like you've got him and he's just like I want out of your arms now like a little bear it's really hard but then you put him down and he's like I didn't think this through I know I think he's gonna like I want out of your arms now and he's like it's really hot but then you put him down and he's like

I didn't think this through I know I think he's gonna be you know how people talk about this my dad my dad's always like oh I didn't crawl I walked

I didn't crawl I'm like right okay so you just bypassed a whole fucking essential stage of your life great oh wow but hey Derek

if you're listening fuck you burn he doesn't listen annoying me though slagging your dad off on not crawling is a big thing nah because he's like Oh, wow. Hey, Derek, if you're listening, fuck you. Burn. He doesn't listen. Annoyingly, though. Slagging your dad off for not crawling as a baby. I know, because he's like... Isn't that ever being done in the history of the world?

Do you reckon a daughter has ever slagged her dad off publicly for not crawling as a baby? Well, it's just irritating because he's like, eight months, eight months, and I was walking. I'm like, well, that must have looked horrific. Full of shit. Isn't it shit? It's all that bullshit.

There's no chance he was walking for eight months. There's no fucking chance your mum and dad were lying to you Derek I'm not having it imagine seeing an eight month old walking

it would be like a horror film yeah it would be yeah it would be when they're in a haunted house and there's a baby walking around

and then it's head spins around 360 degrees no it's utter bullshit it's utter bullshit but da da stay and play forever kill it but uh well annoyingly i've said all of that i think that he might because he just does not want to crawl he's like up on his knees going now

well rave pushes himself backwards didn't he he's on his stomach he gets on his knees then he just pushes himself backwards with his hands and looks at you as if to go why have you moved and you're like i haven't moved you moved you've just you've just squirmed over there like a little worm so but we'll say you know do you have any notice he's got shit loads of teeth yeah he's got them all coming straight through what's that all about do you know what's and do you know why sandra reckons he has why because i've been doing obviously we do loads of different ways he's had purees he's had like you know he's had the packet stuff obviously and he's had finger foods as well but he just he actually loves solid food right i mean mom's like i think his teeth have come in because he eats loads of solid food like as if as if he's gnawing his gums away and his teeth have to come through that's all right so by that right so you

can so you can buy that sort of um by that theory by that thought she thinks that you can buy that sort of buy that theory buy that thought she thinks that you can leave some solid food and it'll coax his teeth out like a trap like honestly

his teeth aren't coming in honestly old wives tale put a bit of pizza on the table next year baby and it's teeth will come through the gums

to get the pizza no I think it's it's them breadsticks he has his teeth are like oh yeah the gums can't handle this lads we need to come out

a bit earlier so your mum thinks he's willing his teeth through because he wants to have a fucking apple I agreed with her I just went yeah I think you're right

both your parents have been dealt with in this interview absolutely welcome to the show do you want your parents dealt with in an intro or email

I love them really I'm sorry yeah yeah i can take them on even guys it is episode 100 i love them really it's episode 137 uh we're back doing a full episode a topical i'd say a topical we're not going to deal with anything in the news fuck that what i mean is this is recording oh hey man doesn't matter doesn't matter quick note as I've said on stage as well if you're filling your house

with jerry cans full of petrol hope it burns down now I think that's done now I think all the knobheads if you did no the knobheads

who were knobheads they filled up and now it's calmed down a bit it's just gone you know normal I don't think it ever happened up here to be honest

I don't think it did either nah because we've all got Flintstones cars don't let them know don't let them know happened up here to be honest I don't think it did either because we've all got Flintstones cars don't let them know we've got real cars in that they'll be here wanting we're industry Rosie I spent a week

zooming past petrol station queues in my Tesla pissing myself laughing oh well oh oh how antiquated and quaint. Oh, what?

A combustion engine? Oh, you were horrible. You were horrible to deal with whilst that was all going on. Tell you what. Charge it up, Rosie. Plug it on the drive. Yeah. A petrol station?

What is that? Will you go to fuel your car away from your house? No! Right right stop now I'm joking because yes I do want to test that no I was on tour in a diesel van

shitting me pants that I would have to walk to me fucking gigs so I totally didn't get a chance to do that at all somebody does not want live bloody the art

to come back do they no no no pandemic scarped at it iron curtains not going up left right and centre petrol running out

yeah yeah as Scott Bennett comedian and friend of the podcast said on Twitter which is one of my favourite tweets

I've ever seen he's looking forward to the SM58 microphone recall just to Scarpa comedy even more I mean 90% of our listeners

won't get that what an SM58 is it's not an SM58 it's an industry standard microphone for comedians therefore the joke was hilarious and Scott Bennett's brilliant. So what else do you want? Obviously I agree. What else do you want from us?

I just know that, you know, my sister listens to this and I'll get a text going what's an SM58? Someone's ringing you. So that sums your sister up. That's how she would text you rather than Google SM58. Yeah, that's what a lot of people do in my life. It's infuriating. No wonder your phone's blown up as we speak. Someone's you ring back that's actually lee my

manager that might be oh my god i might have a job oh no i hope i get this job oh yeah fuck i'm off what's your i'm off come on let's flick with these at the phone what's your ring this for lee i'm off no i'm joking we're flicking with these at the phone she's got what she's got the opportunity of a lifetime Rosie pack your bags Broadway is calling you got the opportunity

of a lifetime when you married this guy in front of you so stop being greedy you've had your moment that was it listen you've had your 15 minutes

back in your box okay fair enough listen guys it's episode she's left a voicemail it's important flick the visa what is it

which show is it you can have a listen in the intro I, it's episode one. She's left a voicemail. It's important. Oh, flick the visa. What is it? Oh, no. Which show is it? You can have a listen in the intro. I guarantee it's nothing. Midnight. Not a sound from the pavement. Oh, Jesus Christ. That's exciting, though.

Just putting this out in the universe. Right. I am creeping into the older bracket of parts in the West End. Charging. Charging. I mean yeah I'm there I'm there to be honest

but it's exciting honestly Rosie you could play a corpse and it's from bottom of my heart yeah but no it's just I'm at the point now

where I've waved Ebony and goodbye yeah you know I've waved all of those parts goodbye but now I'm onto the mams yeah and like you know

yeah to Nadia that's where I want to be Billy Elliot's dance teacher yes or the mam yeah there's loads of stuff i could like blood brothers i could be mr johnson there's no listen this is tragic now i mean i know i will be flogging my two ideas in a few minutes on this podcast but you just literally doing a fucking a cast and call to the over the hill parts you want to play on the west end gri Yeah, Grizabella. It's tragic. Stop it. It's tragic. Stop it. Stop it. It's tragic. There's something

in Greece, like the tea chair or something. Great. Yeah. If you've got an old hag part in a play that you'd like Rosie to play, get in touch. ShabbyNordicGmail.com. Also, if you want your parents dealt with in an intro, ShabbyNordicGmail.com. Guys, it's the longest intro we've ever done. It's episode 137.

Listen. We love you. Thank you for listening.'s episode 137 listen we love you thank you for listening calm yourself down we love you thank you for listening thank you for being here thank you to everyone who's came to the show so far as we say

it's been really good fun but it's podcast time now and without further ado it is time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor is drifting off to sleep

and then realising you're drifting off to sleep and getting so excited that you're drifting off to sleep you wake realising you're drifting off to sleep and getting so excited that you're drifting off to sleep you wake yourself up. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

You apologise to me right now because you rolled your eyes halfway through that and then you got the point I was making. Honestly, it's torment. It happens to me all the time.

So I've been trying to nap. I've been trying to nap in the tour van, right? And I've got, and Carl gets very upset because literally I sit next to him with a coat over my head.

Like I hate him. Awful. Which I kind of do. And I sit with a coat over my head and I will, I like nod off and I'm like,

oh my God, I'm falling asleep. I'm falling asleep. Oh, I'm awake again. Yeah. It's so irritating. I love people who can just switch

their brains off. I'm so, people who can fall asleep straight away on a plane. Honestly, bottom of my heart, fuck you people. Well, they've just got no worries.

I just hate them. Did I tell you once I got on a really long flight and someone fell asleep next to us as we took off and woke up when we landed? Fuck me. Time travel. It's time travel. That must be nice.

I was raging. I used to, honestly, I'm a normally a head hit the pillows kind of girl. But it's just, when there's stuff going on, I can't do it. Life. Life.

Life. Life. Listen. But there's nothing better than, I think it's magic when you just go to sleep and you wake up and it's just the when there's stuff going on, I can't do it. Life. Life. Life. Listen. But there's nothing better than, like, I think it's magic when you just go to sleep and you wake up and it's just the morning. Yeah. Time travel. It's mint.

It's fantastic. It's absolutely mint. You're like, whoa. What happens? Where do you go? Dunno. Where do you go? Where do, where do, where do you go, my lovely?

That's enough. Look, I can tell you what it should do. Oh, Jesus. No, no, no, my lovely. Listen, if we can't play songs, where do you go? Fuck's enough. Look, I can tell you what it should be. Oh, Jesus. No, no, my lovely. Listen, if we can't play songs, where do you go? Fuck's sake. I want to know.

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Come on. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Don't. Anyone listening, join it in. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Come on. I want to know.

That's enough. I almost think we shouldn't play the jingle. There's been too much singing in this intro. I don't like it. No, I've got to have the jingle. What I was trying to say is I know you're desperate to listen to that voicemail

and I know all the listeners are desperate to hear what that voicemail is. So if it's something exciting, let's tell them after the jingle. Well, no, tease it. Well, should I listen? This is what they do on Tellian and Radio. So guys, tune in after the jingle

to find out what's on Rosie's voicemail. Okay. What's on Rosie's voicemail? What's on Rosie's voicemail? Wait. It's your message after the tone. What's on Rosie's right now? Wait. It's your message after the tone. See? It's Australian manager Lee, though,

so she might just be asking me to put another shrimp on the back. Racist. That's racist. Play the jingle. That's racist. We're going to have a chat about this. We had a fight about the jingle.

Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle We hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagmar and Annoyed.

Hello. I can't stay long because I've listened to the voicemail. Yeah. So this might be the last episode yeah Hollywood called didn't it yeah yeah yeah

guys you're not gonna believe it I know it's it's pretty big it's big time it's really big can we play it are we allowed to play it will there not be any

legal ramifications I don't think she'll mind right just play it okay right so my manager Lee called the opportunity of a lifetime yeah and so this is the voicemail

she's just left me 11.18 it was on Wednesday here we go shit hiya it's me just calling to catch up

really give me a call when you can thanks bye she wants to catch up brilliant there we go catch up

excellent just wants to catch up oh fuck me I don't know how I'm going to get through the rest of the day Rosie how are you

you'd already spent that billion pound you were going to get for that Marvel movie in your head so how you were going to get for that Marvel movie in your head. So how are, you were going to play the old,

the old ma'am of someone in a Marvel movie. Whose ma'am would I be? Tony Stark's ma'am. Oh, yes. Go back in time maybe. I'm not that old. Howard Stark's wife.

Well, they'll go back in time though so you can be however you want. Alright, okay. Whose ma'am would I want to be? Black Widow's ma'am. I know she doesn't have a ma'am. She was an orphan. We watched it.

Spoiler alert. No, but then I'd be, right, okay, then then i'd be like this is why i got rid of you because i'm hard as fuck and i was too hard to have you around can't say it right i can't say it you have to figure oh there we go then yeah you're hot as fuck now then jesus i'll lose i'll lose three stone i'll get ripped to shreds all right okay i'm always jealous of actors when they do that when their job is to lose a load of weight no but just when they lose a load of weight or get in shape and you're just like oh yeah

why can't I do that I think I saw an interview with Sir Patrick Stewart and he said that on the set of X-Men Hugh Jackman had like his own trailer as a trailer and then another trailer that was a gym. Yeah. Because in between

sets, because that's the thing, people watch them and go, I want to get Jack like him, I want to get Jack like him. You do wait literally before the camera turns on. Just beforehand. Yeah. It pumps it all up. And also, did I watch a documentary where they eat like, oh it was a bodybuilding thing, they eat like loads of sugar.

Or something like that. Just before the route would go on. Hold on, hold on, holdbuilding thing. They eat like loads of sugar or something like that. Just before the route would go on for all of the blood Hold on, hold on, hold on, hold on everyone. Prepare for one of Rosie's half-remembered facts. Direct quote, they eat loads of sugar

or something like that. So, just to let you know, it could be sugar, it could be not sugar. Is it like a protein bar, like a glucose? That was protein, not sugar.

Listen, they have a handful of nuts. Oh, Jesus. And a can of pop. Right, right. Okay. I'm going to quiz you on this now, right? Just to see how far you were bad on this, right? So, did they consume a lot of sugar, yes or no?

Before they went on. What do you think it was? Was it sugar, yes or no? I can't say either way. Okay. Here's another one. We'll step back from it. Did they consume a lot of a thing

or deliberately not consume a lot of a thing? No, they deliberately ate something. Right, so it's definitely on. So it was something. They put something in their bodies. Yeah. Right. So was it loads of sugar or no sugar at all?

Did they dehydrate or did they hydrate? Dehydrate. Right. That's probably right, yeah. Have you seen this documentary? No, I just like picking apart the half facts that you remember and then say on a recorded podcast medium to literally fucking millions of people,

you just throw it out there. No, it was Real Housewives. It was Teresa Giudice was doing bodybuilding in Real Housewives. She did loads of tan and then she ate something. I don't know what it was. So there you go, guys. If you want to follow Rosie's health advice, do loads of tan and then eat something.

More health advice from Rosie. I think she might have gone to the gym a few times before. Are you going to be on the front cover of Health & Fitness next week? Are you on the front cover of Health and Fitness for your brand new... Imagine this week's special episode on Health and Fitness, The Man Bulge.

The Man Bulge. Rosie Ramsey's mysterious diet. You get a load of tan and then eat something. More on page 10. Jesus Christ. It's good to be back though.

I'm enjoying this. I'm having a lovely time. Yeah, because it's amazing doing the podcast on stage in front of loads of people. But it's good to be back though I'm enjoying this I'm having a lovely time yeah because it's amazing doing the podcast on stage in front of loads of people but it's also quite nice doing it back in this little room it is

I have missed it because we've been a bit well I say lazy we haven't been lazy we just have not had time to do it live I've got two bloody tours on the go me

I know two simultaneous tours by the way little word people coming to my tour when the lights go down at the beginning give us a

little woo or a cheer no i'm serious right because you shag my annoyed fans are absolutely unreal right and the lights go down at the shag my annoyed gigs and you people lift the roof off with cheer and excitement and it's so lovely and it gets us so excited backstage my stand-up gigs lights go down heard a bloke cough the other day no Chris I'm not gonna lie I've seen a lot of comments on Instagram and Twitter and stuff like that people are asking

if I'm at your gigs and I'm like they're completely different I don't know whether people think that they've bought tickets to the Shagmaran O2 but it's actually yours

which is very good I've heard what's really nice is Carl Hutchinson gets a big cheer when he comes on now because everyone knows all the stories we've heard.

Well, maybe so just they're using their cheers on him. The lights go down and there's no excitement. They're just going, oh, the lights are going down. I'm like,

what the fuck? It's because I'm spoilt with the Shagmire Noid here because it's that good. But yeah, I'm in, as you're listening to this, I'm in Reading Friday night.

Don't not to be confused with reading. Yeah, spelled the same though. Spe's spelt exactly the same. Just a capital R at the beginning. Who decided that? Who decided, right, and we know that it's spelt the same as the,

you know, the word reading, but we're not going to call this place reading. We're going to call it Reading. I'll ask them on stage. Please do. That'll be a lovely shitty boring way to start me gig

yeah well they haven't wooed you so you might as well they might woo they might woo in Reading but isn't that shit isn't that really shit what they have to share

their name with the word reading I just think why do people why have they changed words I'm only realising this because Robin's starting to do like words and that at school

Robin's an amazing reader yeah he's a very good reader frighteningly good but and then he's questioning it and I'm only realising this because Robin's starting to do words and that at school. Robin's an amazing reader. Yeah, he's a very good reader. Frighteningly good. And then he's questioning it. And I don't know what to say. I really... Was he? We're letting him down as parents, actually.

When he starts doing maths and stuff. Oh, fuck, mate. Chris. I don't know what's going on. I've got dyscalculus. I swear to God. What's that? Well, my friend's diagnosed us.

So I haven't actually had a real diagnosis. Oh, God. Again, apologies to anyone out there who's actually got this. it's well my friends diagnosed us so I haven't actually had a real diet oh god again apologies to anyone out there who's actually got this Rosie has what

my friend was there someone on Real Housewives you saw someone on Real Housewives do it my two best friends are teachers right

and I've told them about when I was at school okay Chris listen to this I was in all the top sets for like English and stuff like that I did quite I mean I didn't do that well because i really didn't try on my gcses and um they're

the things that follow you around not you're not like your whole life at school which i did quite well in just gcses i fucked up on because i couldn't be asked the bit that matters at the end the bit that matters at the end i couldn't be bothered i hated studying and i hated doing it so fuck fuck that, whatever. But I was in quite good sets for English and stuff like that. Bottom set for maths to the point where, you know this, I had to re-sit my maths GCSE in college for them to let us in. And my friend said, you might have dyscalculus because I struggle so much with maths.

How can you be that bad at something but then okay at other stuff yeah does that make sense yeah I mean you might not have like the actual no I've got it I'll tell you I've got it

I've got it I can feel it I've got it no I don't I don't know if I have got it is that why we've specifically moved to a house that doesn't have a number

that's why it's just so hard it's just got a name just so hard I just can't have a number on my house it freaks us out I just get terrified

by numbers I mean sometimes people are really bad at some things I'm a shit reader I'm are really bad at some things. I'm a shit reader. I'm a really bad reader. I'm the slowest reader on earth.

You sometimes don't let me read the beefs on Twitter because I'm bad. Yes, but you don't look at words and get scared. I don't get scared. Do you? Okay. I'm a bad reader.

Really bad. If I get a long email and I've got a scroller, I go, forget it. Right. Fair enough. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely forget it.

Yeah. I don't think there is a thing for that. I think I'm just a lazy twat. Does this word yell us? Wow. No. I mean, it would be dyslexic, is a thing for that. I think I'm just a lazy twat. Diswordulous? Wow. No. I mean, it would be dyslexic, but it's not that. Oh, right.

Great. Yeah. So dyscalculus is a branch off of dyslexia. Is it the opposite of dyslexia? Yeah, a number-based one. But then you took that, and then you took it in another direction and said diswordious.

I don't know that. So you might have both. I might have both. I genuinely might have both. I'm terrified of it. And when Robin comes home with homework to do with maths,

like fractions and all that, I am just, I'm going to vomit. I'm going to vomit there and then and go, son, I cannot. Oh, Carl. We'll get Carl. Yeah.

Carl Hutchinson, maths teacher. Carl used to be a maths teacher. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, well, there you go. As did Paul, our tour manager. Oh, hey, look at this. We are surrounding ourselves with number geniuses. We're doing it deliberately. We knew that we would need this in life. there you go. As did Paul, our tour manager. Oh, hey, look at this. We are surrounding ourselves with number geniuses.

We're doing it deliberately. We knew that we would need this in life. There we go. Right, we're sorted. All we need to do now is make a little French mate. Yeah, French mate. Yeah, that would be good. Do we know any French people?

Do I know any French? Anybody who's French? Do I know anybody who's French? I don't know anyone. I'd know if I knew someone who was French because I'd be, like, practising all my jambons and that on them. Jambons?

ham ham well done when me and Kate and me mum went to the south of France a couple of years ago you ate exclusively ham for a week because that's all you could ask for no no

it's just eggs oof sorry eggs and ham ham and eggs Sam I am it's amazing how much you remember from school

yeah it comes back to you when you're dropped in the woods it really comes back to you it It really comes back to you. It was really cool. Well, they reckon you can learn it by immersion, can't you, if you're young enough? Yeah.

There's an episode of The Simpsons where Bart gets lost in France and he can just speak French by the end of the episode. I don't think it's that quick. No. But it is very clever. Simpsons did it, so.

I'd love to speak another language. So what I was going to say was, 8th of October, as you listen to this, this is out now, Red and Hexagon, there's a few tickets left for my stand-up gig in Red and Hexagon. Oh, sorry, I want to be in a play. What play can you be

as in? Eh? I've got a little bit of grey on the side of me head and some gross feet. What play shall I be in? Yeah, honestly, how dare you? Gig's coming up with tickets. Reading, 8th of October, tonight, Clackland on Sea's coming up with tickets. Reading, 8th of October tonight. Clackman on C is coming up in the future then. Stockton, Globe, Newcastle Arena, Doncaster Dome.

They're the next ones with any tickets, if any. So we'll see you there. Just me, not her. Just me. When the lights go down, I'll fucking cry. Wow. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Something happened recently, which I haven't told you about because it's very much a kind of silent thing just in me but um i i don't even know how to word this and it's going to be ridiculous and

i hope some people no i just hope some people can resonate with it right okay so a silent thing in you no right okay so our parents and my dad still works but from home my mom's retired and your mom and dad are retired your dad is this the the guy who never crawled yeah just check just check that medical marvel the medical marvel

Derek Wintner came out of the womb chopped his own and built the cord stood up and went and popped the newsagent does anyone want anything

I'm going for four cans that Mary's drawn out no I currently resent our parents' free time. Yes.

I've said it. I've said it now. Chris, I can't help it, but sometimes, you know, I sit in the house and I've got the kids and that and I'm just really busy with work and I think about... Hold on, you just said you were sitting there. You can't be that busy if you're sitting down. All right, I'm stood up washing dishes or making tea and emailing at the same time and you know you're still thinking

about my parents would you i'm joking do you want to hear it or not yes i'm sorry so i'm doing all this and sometimes it just pops in my mind going oh i wonder what i know what your mom and dad are doing i wonder what i wonder what sandra's up to on. Yeah. And it'll just be reading a paper or something. Oh, my dad. Having a nice time, and I'm really jealous. My dad. Jealous. I've known nothing like the free time he's got.

Unbelievable. I talked about the golf ball on here, didn't I? Yeah, you did. The golf ball. You made that within a couple of minutes of getting the new car. I know. He got a load of wood from my garden and was like, I'll make some tables.

The next day, he came up with these tables that he'd made. I was like, I'd fucking love to have that kind of time but the thing is i'm not whittling away i don't it's not that i'm like oh because they are so good for childcare we are so lucky and i don't mean it like that i'm just like oh my word it would just be lovely but the thing is they've done it haven't they they've been in this position before it must be meant being retired i mean there's wishing your life away no when you're a kid like I want to be you know what I mean like Tom Hanks in Big

I want to be big so I can go on the rollercoaster you a dare I say it very successful 35 year old woman currently on a fucking arena tour

is are you have you lost your fucking mind kind woman I'm really tired listen you are

guys I've got to apologise there'll be people listening to this going oh yeah she's got a great life you know she's gone to her

she's talking about all these different things she's got people coming to see her and you fucking want to be retired so you can so you can read a paper

like your dad wash your fucking mouth out no it's not that it's just do you know right okay so the thing is in our life

we're taught that sick days are bad. You're not allowed to have sick days. You've got to go in like bloody arms hanging off and shit like that, right? Being retired, you've worked your full life and you have grafted, right? And then there's this age that you hit where it's like you can stop now and you don't have to feel guilty. That's what I want to have that feeling of, listen,

you don't have to work anymore. You've done your time. Enjoy your free time. Right. But I'll wait for it. But I'm just saying it must be nice. Am I not allowed to comment on what we're parents are living right now? It must be bloody nice.

It just sounds psychotic. It sounds psychotic. Yeah, you've got a lovely new house. You've got two lovely kids. You've got your very, you know, biggest podcast in the country. You've got loads of fans. I'm not complaining very, you know, biggest podcast in the country. You've got loads of fans. I'm not complaining.

I'm just saying. It sounds like you want to be sat on the fucking sofa with the word that's original in your gob, you lazy cow. Oh, that's a dream. You're pathetic. Oh. Fucking lazy. You've just finished the first leg of the tour.

You've now got two months off until we go back on tour at the end. Two months. I haven't got two months off. I've got two children, Chris. There is no two months off at all. I'm sorry. Right, okay.

Rinse your mouth out, would you? Jeez. One of them's going to be walking next week. I need to order a baby gate. Holy shit. One of them's going to be walking. Rafe, will you walk your brother to school? Because I'm just sitting on this word I found.

I really like to finish this paper. Rafe, Rafe, walk to the end of the drive and get the paper for mum. Then go in that room and shut up! It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? What is your beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef.

What is it? Carl Hutchinson, by the way, is currently... Mention him a lot. He can tell you back. Back chumming with him. Chumming. It's also called touring,

but fair enough. We... He was there when I posted that video. You know, we've done the highlight video of the Wembley Arena. And he cannot get enough of the bit where you go, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef,

and you're just punching the air. I think it's one of the funniest things he's ever seen. Just so you know. So he's never listened to the podcast then punching the air thinks it's one of the funniest things he's ever seen just so you know so he's never listened to the podcast then he just thinks it's great no he does but he just

yeah he has listened to the podcast of course he has he's heard me slag him off loads of times but just where you go beef beef beef and you're like

punching on the video that particular bit and we're doing the get your beef what's your beef section he just thinks it's great for some reason now and then

something just tickles someone and you go okay fair enough and he's loved it but okay so ladies first what was your beef okay my beef with you it's kind of to do with the tour okay um i thought this might happen i thought it might be tour related yeah because we've been spending a lot of time together i've got a similar

beef with you right okay great can't wait to hear all about it should be that you're wishing your life away and you want to be a fucking retired old woman after you've done a west end run as an oh yeah i'll have to get that in first. Oh yeah, great. But that might be a hobby. Me retirement hobby. Brilliant. Like the WI. Brilliant.

I'll just go on the WE. West End. Yeah, very clever. So my beef with you, Christopher, is that just before we're about to go on stage, you always go for a piss and it infuriates us because I don't want to be late on stage, but every time that they're like, right, okay, we've got clearance, you're ready to go, come on. You're like, I need a piss and it infuriates us because I don't want to be late on stage but every time that they're like right okay we've got clearance

you're ready to go come on you're like I need a piss and I'm like that's horrible it's a panic wee it's a panic wee

I do it all the time I do it with TV shows I do it with my stand up I do it with that and the thing is we knock back quite a bit of booze when we're on stage

yeah we do I had four glasses of wine in Manchester you did Manchester wanted us to down wine they did every time I sucked a dick every time i sucked a dick on stage somebody said laws of them's new part

of the show was a cue and everything manchester um were shouting down it so much yeah it was uh it was like being it was like being back on the lash with me teenage mates back in the day good donut nugget that doesn't happen anymore does it down it no I've got we don't down drinks anymore whereas we used to

a lot I just remember I just remember like all of my mates when we started drinking when we're younger it was just like like oh

I've had four cans and I'm not even drunk was like that was like the benchmark of like aren't I brilliant and I used to say stuff like that

I've had four cans and I'm not even four cans put me on my ass now so i don't know what i was going on is that something you used to say oh it was always like who's had the most and isn't pissed that was the thing it was like who can drink the most but isn't drunk and everyone was drunk apart from the guy who's lying and probably pouring it down the toilet or whatever but yeah it was um that was the thing i hope that's gonna be our sons what i hope that's gonna be our sons what i'm gonna that's going to be our sons what? I'm going to say to them

just lie and hide down the toilet oh I thought you meant drink as much as the cat I thought you meant the whole sort of the culture absolutely not

oh yeah god no I'm going to be like well I remember I went I was really young and I went to weirdly went to a film premiere have I talked about this?

you went to a film premiere? I did I don't know why I got invited I think it was through my mate Stephen Ray. Hold on. Hold on. What was this film? I'm excited.

It was. It was. So Kelly Brook was in it. And she was going out with Billy Zane at the time. Right. So he was there. But I think Tim Healy might have been in it. Right.

It was at the gate in Newcastle. Right. The gate was brand new. Right. I was so pissed. Right. But I was trying to keep up with the big boys and girls because i think i was only like 18 i was that drunk that i was having to pour

drinks into a plant wow because i was like because they were obviously i think some of them were like late 20s 30s who were out with type thing and i was like really young and they could obviously drink like like what i can drink now, you know, an average night out. I could not. So they were like, another drink? And I was like, yeah. Mortal drunk. I was just, I was chucking it in plants.

In front of Billy Zane, Tim Healy and Kelly Brook. And you got that plant hammered. I did. It was fucking mortal. It's horrible. I would hate to see the conversation that I had with Kelly Brookuton. I mean, I would hate to see a film premiere at the gate in Newcastle. Christ alive. He was probably livid

thinking, what the fuck is this? Why were you there? That's so weird that you were there. Excuse me? Why couldn't I have been there? Because you were a fucking nobody? I know. Excuse me? A pissed nobody? I was Princess Tamara at the Customs House pantomime that year

oh sorry and I think that's how I got invited sorry your majesty I forgot shut up man will you what's your beef

you've got your beef man are we I'll prepare my bladder for going on stage eh what do you want you put a bloody plant on stage

I was pissing in that it's professionalism right okay well I've done my beef now what have you got to say my beef with you is and I still can't believe this happened.

It happened on the day we did Glasgow and I had to tell them at Glasgow, I had to go off piste at the beginning of the show and immediately tell them. Are you saying this on the podcast? Yeah, and I immediately told them in Manchester as well. Oh, for God's sake. Rosie Ramsey, on the way to Heathrow Airport in London, we were in a car

I glanced over at you in the back passenger seat of the car and on your phone on the way to the airport to fly

on a plane you were watching plane crash videos you absolute maniac I didn't mean to it just came up

on my feed and you didn't flick it off you say it came up on your feed and it was like glad bible or whatever best plane crashes i mean best plane crashes is the worst sentence ever but you know something along them lines and you were like oh and i thought and you i glanced and you were looking i glance again and you were still looking at them i went get

them off your phone i just don't think like i don't think like you i don't think like that well that kind of behavior leads you to thinking like that bit of turbulence you remember that and you freak out there There was turbulence. I didn't remember it at all. But you just said... What? Oh, you remember the video. No.

I thought you said remember the turbulence, yeah. There was turbulence, yeah. Shout out to that pilot, by the way. We were 20 minutes late getting off the runway and he still got there in the same time. Yeah, I don't understand that. Fucking booted it. So I didn't think you could put your foot down in the air.

He absolutely said, we'll make up the time and he absolutely floored it the entire way there. I've known booted it. So I didn't think you could put your foot down in the air. He absolutely said, we'll make up the time, and he absolutely floored it the entire way there. I've known nothing like it, so shout out to him. But yeah, I was terrified. Cheers, mate. Thank you. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah! You're invited to an immersive listening party, led by Rishi Keshe Herway,

the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. famously unnerving piece. Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.

Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.

This Friday... You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. ...witness the birth... Bad times will start now. ...evil things. ...of evil. It's all... No, no,. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all.

No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. It's time for Questions from the Public. Guys, as always,

if you want to get in touch, it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. Please continue to send us stuff because the stuff on the live shows has been wonderful. Like we say, it's different every single night.

All the questions that Rosie reads out in the sort of second 50 minutes of the show, all brand new every time. I'm always just having a little wine. It's marvellous because I'm in on it with the audience, which is so lovely because they're hearing it for the first time and so am I. And I'm sure there's people in the room who don't believe it

and think it might be scripted, but we haven't got fucking time to script a full second section and I couldn't respond. Well, we't respond no but we thought about it we thought the the the go-to of because we're doing wembley and literally these massive arenas the go-to was like we should script this so we know what we're doing but then we were like but that'll be shit and we've got enough we've got so these these people keep sending in these incredible things they've been really good oh my god they've blown me head off to the point of where sometimes i'm point of where sometimes we're doing some of them on the live show. I'm thinking we should bring them back and do them on the podcast.

But hopefully we'll clip up some of the live sections and play it onto this. Fingers crossed. If not, I do think we should share some of the stories. There's a couple, yeah. Because some of them are just really, really good. But we'll see. We'll see. Okay, are you ready for this?

Yes, always. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Firstly, congratulations on your new little bundle of joy. So this was from a while ago. Nine months ago. Thank you. I was listening to episode 102 with the breastfeeding update and have a story which might make Rosie feel better about her shit tits.

Breastfeeding is not all that. It is. Oh, shit tits. I'm always up for... Why is the combination of the words shit and tits so funny it is funny i don't know why it's so funny i had my daughter in september 2020 and breastfed her mainly because i'm too lazy to make bottles that's part of the reason i was desperate to do it wow because sterilizing bottles is shit after a weeks, my milk still hadn't settled

and I got mastitis, which is where it's really, someone I know had it actually, and it's really painful. It's like the milk ducts block and your arm becomes really, it's intense, but it's not a nice, pleasant thing, which turned into an abscess in my boob.

Evans. It was horrible, but I was looked after so well by the doctor, that's good. And whilst waiting for my treatment the following day, I was told to call the hospital immediately if I had any other symptoms such as a fever, rash, or especially

itching on my boobs. The morning of my appointment to have my abscess drained, in practice sorry, I know it's gross. I've heard worse. I started to feel an itchy, almost burning feeling on both of my boobs.

Oh no, I thought. I'd best call the hospital in case my boobs fall off. You've said boobs a lot here. This is very boob heavy. Are you feeling a little bit sexy? God no. Oh, okay.

God no. They were concerned and asked me to come in within the hour. They had arranged a consultant to see me at the breast clinic and cancelled another appointment. So they cancelled someone's appointment to get her in. Rushing around to sort out my baby and leave him, I thought, oh, I better have a shower. I was covered in babysitting and knew I'd have to take my top off.

By this point, I couldn't stop scratching and I started getting a bit panicked. As I took off my bra to step in the shower, the itching instantly stopped. Out fell a substantial amount of toast crumbs and a little bit of scrambled egg. A little bit of scrambled egg? From my breakfast that morning, which I'd had to eat whilst I fed my daughter. So listen to this. I was too embarrassed to call the hospital to tell them, so I went along to my urgent

appointment anyway and had to pretend to be shocked that the itching and burning had magically stopped. Can you smell egg? Can you smell egg? That's hilarious. That's terrible. Bless her.

Just in a fluster, freaking out. It happens though. It happens. Gosh. Wow. Brilliant. Very good. Hi, Chris and Rosie.

Love the podcast and looking forward to coming to see you live in November. I've got a little story for you that i think will fit in well with the podcast it's about a friend of mine let's call her jenny jenny jenny was at a house party being thrown by one of her friends whilst at the house party she got chatting to her friend's older brother who she hadn't seen in a few years oh gosh after many drinks one thing led to another and before she knew it they were heading up to his bedroom goodness one thing did lead to another and before she knew it they were heading up to his bedroom. Goodness. One thing did lead to another. It did. Jenny suddenly had the realisation

that she hadn't trimmed her lady garden. So before taking it any further she snuck off to the bathroom to make a plan. Right.

How, we've heard this a lot now people going and trimming. Can you not just go by the way I didn't know I was going to shag it now so I haven't shaved. Why is everyone trying

to go and do a DIY fucking bread knife shave in public toilets and all kinds of stuff. It is a bit strange. I don't know. What is everyone trying to go and do a DIY fucking bread knife shave in public toilets and all kinds of stuff? Yeah, I don't know. It is a bit strange. I don't know. What are you all doing it for? I mean, girls, I'm not being funny. Do it before you go out. Just always be on the know-how of that you might get a shag.

Always assume that you are a slut. Yeah. Prepare to fail, slags. Come on. Who ran the world? Slags. to fail slags come on who run the world slags I'm joking but we're both totally joking

I mean as I said live on stage of the night men do it why the hell can't women there should not be a stigma but again girls I don't know

how women out there seem to think that blokes on a one night stand give two fucking shits how trimmed it is about pubic hair they don't do that well there you go

the man has spoken ladies they don't care oh my goodness I was going to have sex with you after meeting you a couple of hours ago at this house party but that is unkempt

and wild oh gosh I feel like if i go in i'm gonna find bear grills sleeping rough in there like come on no one gives a fuck that is so true like most people don't even touch it on a one night stand just point is in the direction yeah yeah yeah well there you go but anyway anyway, Jenny was clearly a bit, you don't know how long I'm at. Jenny went to the toilet to deal with Gandalf's chin in between her legs.

Right. Sorry, that was the worst. That's awful. Oval. Gandalf's chin. I hate myself. Horrible, that. Sorry.

She snuck off to the bathroom to make a plan. Yeah. Whilst in there, she spotted a razor and decided to give it a go. Spotted a razor? A stranger's razor. Spotted a razor? Yeah. Stranger danger, stranger's razor.

Yeah, yeah. This razor turned out to be her friend's dad's razor. Oh. That's, right, we have, we've got children, right? Yeah. Who will have a party one day in our house. If one of, if one of them slags uses my fucking razor i would be livid your razor my razor or your razor either one of

i'd be like jenny no they don't care like my lads do not care if you've got oh that's horrible wow i've i've sickened myself public service announcement if you are currently a child who may end up at my house for a house party one day

with my children when you are older if you deface or use any of our property at all I will smash your fucking car up stop

I'm gonna be really bad I'm gonna be really bad you're gonna be horrific there's gonna be cameras in every room lots there's gonna be checks full checks you know how people used to go have a drink of my dad's whiskey buddy like measures

how much is there your dad never measured how much is there i will i will be measuring how much is there i'll be counting bottles the speedometer on my car will be photographed before i go on holiday both cars oh i come back i see the name of the friend who did it was it you if it was you your playstation's getting smashed up if it was your friend I'm going round and your Playstation's going through their window

honestly and their dad can come out and kick the fuck out of us all they like I've got a problem and I don't care yous are ruining my retirement tell you that now

all of yous I mean I will be bad yeah I'll be bad I'll be really really bad some parents are dead chill I remember there used to be some really Yeah, I'll be bad. I'll be really, really bad. Some parents are dead chill. I remember there used to be some really chill parents growing up, but I can't imagine.

Some of the stuff we did in some of my friends' parents' houses. Oh, good grief. But yeah, no. Not on my watch. Yeah, we'll see. Anyway, what did this reprobate do? She went back into the bedroom

and had a great night with her friend's brother. Great. A few days later, she started developing a rash accompanied by some itchy nasty itching after going to doctors it was confirmed that she got an infection from the dad's razor oh man she still had the razor in her back she stole the razor serves all right oh she still had the razor in her bag so the following week she made an excuse

to go see her friend and whilst at the house she snuck the razor sorry sorry she put it back she put it back she got an infection from it

and then she put it back yeah after having you I don't can I just right listen I'm not a doctor

I don't think no no I don't think you can find no you're doing yourself down there what don't say

don't tell people you're not a doctor you're going to lose work don't tell people on this podcast that you're not a doctor. You're going to lose work. Don't tell people on this podcast that you're not a doctor because everyone who listens to this believes that you are a doctor. You're going to...

Guys, no one looks at us. No, Chris, I can't live in this lie anymore. Your practice is going to be empty tomorrow. There's not going to be a single patient there because you're going around telling people you're not a doctor. What are you doing? Me practice Rosie's rushes.

Rosie's rashes. Rosie's rashes. Esquire. Rosie's rashes. I don't think you can get an infection from using someone's razor. I think she got it off the brother. Don't blame the dad. He's only shaving his face.

It's not the dad. I mean, you don't know. He might have been shaving his arsehole with it you don't know oh fuck I mean we don't know what people are doing with their razors

and to be fair it's their razor it's their business it's their business yeah yeah you shouldn't have stolen it and then putting it back

oh god public service announcement don't leave your bumhole razor out for people to see put it in a bag no it's his house shut up

don't tell don't be telling this man what to do in his own house with his own razors no one tells you what to do with your bumhole razor listen my bumhole razor is under lock and key all right there's a special there's a panel in the floor right you've got to knock three times and then it opens and there's a safe in there it's at the front door and that safe is a key to a different safe which opens and then there's a key in that to another safe and then in that key

there is a key to one of them secure lock buildings in the centre of Newcastle. Oh, is that where it is? Meepo Moray's, I think. Is that where it is? Yeah, yeah, yeah. I've just told everyone! No wonder you've got hairy arms.

It takes you three hours to go and get it. Gandalf's chin. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. You can try to keep me anonymous, But I'm going to tell you my name So good luck with that Maybe don't say my first name And I can deny deny deny

Just don't Don't just Do you mean surname? First name Don't say our Don't say our first name Mmhmm Because I'm going to say our surname

Okay Don't say our first name Alright then Do you understand? Yeah I finally got married last month After Covid stopped two previous attempts to the same man.

I'm not a slag. Shout out to everyone who had to re-thingy their weddings, by the way. Hope you've all had lovely times now. So I should have really come up with a solution to this problem already, but I haven't. So here I am.

My married name is Gooch. As in Mrs. Gooch. As in, Mrs. Gooch. Why is that so funny? Because Gooch is the word to describe the bit of skin between your arse and your private parts. Yeah, wow. She's Mrs. Gooch.

Now is about the time I should be letting the bank, the doctors, etc. know about my new name. And I just haven't. Oh, that's the first week I get passed on to the fraud team. It's Gooch.

Please hold. Oh, we've got another fucking joker on line one, Dave. My new husband is aware that I'm keeping my name for professional use. Right. I'd be ripped apart doing my job

if I was known as that. But in my private life, I really should be changing it. I bet she's a secondary school teacher. Right. Imagine if one of your teachers at school was called Mrs. Gooch. Christmas Day.

Christmas Day. Oh, yeah. Wow. You know your teacher? She's just changed her name to Gooch. I Day. Christmas Day. Oh, yeah. Wow. You know your teacher? She's just changed her name to Gooch. I've got a golden ticket. It would almost be too easy. I think kids might even leave that

because it's almost too easy. Yeah, it is. You know what she should do? What? She should get her surname that she's got anyway and put that on the end. What's it called? Double-barrelling. Double-barrel it so that the Gooch is in the middle. She should get her Surname that she's got anyway And put that on the end What's it called Double barrelling

Double barrel it So that The Gooch Is in the middle Wear it as it should be Really isn't it So what like Mrs Gooch Ramsey

Yeah yeah yeah Rosie Gooch Ramsey Gooch is right there in the middle In between the two bits Like it should be I wish I'd kept my name No Why

No I don't I don't approve of it What do you mean I'm joking imagine I'm just used to quite like there was something

because when people would say what's your surname I'd go winter like the season now they'll go and I'll go Ramsey and they'll go is that an A or an A

or they'll go or they'll go like Gordon Ramsey and I'll go I'll go like Chris Ramsey and they'll go who and I go that guy

he does his gigs the lights go down no one does a fucking thing you know him you know him Mrs Gooch Gooch Go no I'm that guy he does his gigs the lights go down no one does a fucking thing you know him you know him Mrs Gooch Gooch

Gooch I love that I love that you're you were so excited about your surname because you used to have to say you used to get to say like the season

what else would they have thought you meant winter oh like the it's coming I should have done that shouldn't I

no so what's he saying winter it's coming do you know what it is't I no so what's he saying in winter it's coming do you know what it is you've we actually me marrying you

is a public service because I have I've stopped people having to hear whatever shit patter you could have put on the end of your surname

so you're welcome everyone winter you've got you've got spring summer autumn rosy not spring

not summer not autumn oh god Dave we've got another fucking joke there on line one Hi Rosie and Chris I have a story that my flatmate who's a doctor told me and I think it would be a good Rosie's Mysteries

What is the tune? That's not the tune That's not the tune. That's not the tune. I'm changing it slightly. I'm changing it slightly. Is that Emmerdale? I don't know.

I was changing it slightly so I don't get in trouble. Okay, all right, man. Right, okay. I am keeping my flatmate anonymous so she doesn't get in trouble at work. Okay. Because that's the last thing that we need on our bloody hands, isn't it? Oh, yeah. My flatmate, let's call her Georgia, was working a shift in A at work. Okay. Because that's the last thing that we need on our bloody hands, isn't it? Oh, yeah. My flatmate,

let's call her Georgia, was working a shift in A&E. A woman came into A&E panicked because she had awful bruising all over her legs and didn't know what was causing it. Oh.

Oh. The triage nurse, I love that, triage nurse. Triage is a great word. Can I just say as well? I don't know what it means. Sorry,

there's nothing more sort of perplexing than a mystery bruise. Yeah. I keep getting mystery bruises and I don't know what it means. Sorry. There's nothing more sort of perplexing than a mystery bruise. Yeah. I keep getting mystery bruises and I don't know why. A little mystery. If I've got a bruise

and I can't remember where it came from, I'm annoyed. I know where all mine are coming from at the minute. Okay. Walking around in the pitch black with a baby.

Yeah. I knock everything all the time. Yeah. And he grabs your face and grabs your arm and everything. Yeah, constantly. I started sticking his fingers up my nose.

It's absolutely round. Horrible. And it really hurts. Why is he so strong? I don't know. I'm a bit scared of him. Chris, what, Matt? He's really rough.

He smiles at you and it's like, when he's doing it, he smiles at you. And I think he doesn't give a shit about me. He grabbed me the other day, put his thumb in my mouth and his four fingers on the outside of my cheek and fish-hooked us. The baby fish-hook. I was gutted. Awful.

Gutted. Right, so... The triage nurse hadn't been able to test to work out the cause of the bruising, so the patient was referred to Georgia for further tests. Okay. The doctor, yeah.

Georgia was very confused that she hadn't seen a case like this before. Her first thought was that it must be a blood problem causing the bruising but blood tests were not revealing any immediate issues none of the other doctors and nurses had any ideas about what it could be either what was causing all of the mysterious bruising on her legs mysteries, mysteries, mysteries you got any idea? all of the mysterious bruising on her legs. Mysteries, mysteries, mysteries,

mysteries. You got any idea? All of the mysterious bruising on her legs. I mean, I haven't got much to go on here. I haven't been given much to go on at all. No. You haven't been given age, you know, nothing like that. Hobbies, nothing. This is total stab in the dark. I've got no fucking clue. She might have fell off a horse. But you know you've done that. Yeah. Is she tapping her legs? Is she slapping them you've done that yeah is she tapping her legs is she slapping them like a drummer is she drumming her legs she might be

leading the local pantomime yeah is she hitting a spoon off her knee or a fireball she's waiting for the kettle to boil in the spooning band I've got no fucking clue

I'm totally going in blind here right well I'll tell you well it turns out that the woman was wearing a cheap pair of blue tracksuit bottoms

and the dye had come off all over her legs. Oh, for God's sake, man. People are fucking stupid. In the end, Georgia... The NHS? The doctor? I've got bruises? Have you had a fucking wash, love?

What kind of tosser? I'm sorry, but come on, man. One, I'm annoyed I didn't get it. I'm really annoyed. And two, I'm annoyed because she's a total fuckwit. Right, okay, well, listen. I didn't go to the doctors,

but there was one time in the summer when I was sat in our old house in the orange tree reading a magazine with a pair of shorts on. And then later on in the day, I was like, holy shit, what is this on my leg?

And it was the magazine had transferred onto my legs because i had moisturized but i didn't go to the doctors i've got a bruise it says ideal home fashion tips interior it says interior design tips i'm dying i'm possessed so um in the end georgia got a wet cloth and wiped the woman's legs and the bruising magically disappeared. Fuck me. She went to A&E for a wash. She went to A&E to get a doctor.

What, nine years, seven years medical school, college they're in, to wipe a leg with a flannel. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She should be thrown into the sea. Why do you think it's overrun? Why do you think the NHS is overrun? No, no, no, yes, yes. Listen, I can understand.

I can't understand I can understand but I don't I don't forgive people who go in with stuff up their arse that they're stuck up there I think that's terrible

I know we talk about them all the time and you know if it wasn't for them I probably wouldn't really have a podcast but what I'm saying is I understand

when you get something stuck in your arse it's a medical emergency but fuck a bloody baby bite would have sorted this woman's thighs out I know

It's like when you're using a new towel If it's a dark towel or something You get fluff all over you Imagine you go to the hospital I'm just covered in fluff I'm covered in black stuff It's getting us Look it's in my fingernails

It's in between my fingers I've washed my hands it's gone Nothing washing your hands at home you prick No I came here straight away Because I'm an arsehole. I came straight to A&E. This is the difference with some people though because I'm one of those people who will wait a week and a half

with a lump on the side of their face before I go anywhere. You would walk in carrying one of your arms in the other arm and go, I started coming off last week but I was busy. Yeah, yeah. And then there's the other end of the scale who will, you know. Go in because they've got some blue jeans. How did you, they couldn't, they weren't hurting. It was just, it was dying.

But isn't that the first thing you would do to try and wash it off? Million percent. Million percent. Anyway. Safe to say the patient was suitably embarrassed. She should be. For taking up the A&A department's time. Yeah.

Yeah. A&AE the triage nurse not even the GP triage nurse once I had looking at for not knowing it was dye from some jeans

as well but then again I suppose she's coming to A&E with it what the hell is it you assume that they've washed

well not just that what they're going to do lick their thumb and have a rub of it so you would just have to check if it's real imagine they did that

imagine I broke my leg just lick me foot oh yeah it's broke it's really broke it's weird that a bone won't rub back through the skin

let's try and kiss it better before we go any further no it didn't work get the wheelchair Get the wheelchair, Rob. Rosie. Yes? You're not going to believe it.

What, what, what? We've got a celebrity question this week. Do we? It's time for this week's celebrity question. Celebrity question. Celebrity question. And it is from the lovely and very, very funny Lucy Beaumont. Oh, yay.

Oh, hello, Chris and Rosie Ramsey. What a lovely couple you are. I love your podcast. Rosie, I think you're really funny. Anyway, and we're all from the North East, aren't we, as well? But I think you're really from the North East. I thought I was from the North East, but where you are, that really is North East, isn't it?

But my question is, is right when you're sleeping together and one of you snores and it wakes you the one up who is the one that should sleep in the spare room or on the couch or something like if you really need to get your sleep and you just can't because they're snoring should the one who's snoring get up or should the one who's woken up get up like is it fair to wake the one up who's snoring and tell them to move or because you're already awake should you just move that's my question i mean i know the right answer but i won't say it. Thank you. I'd really like to know what you think.

Bye. Oh. Nice. Thank you, Lucy. First of all, when she first said that she was from the North East as well, until she then corrected it, I was sick in my mouth a little bit. Where is she from exactly? So she's from Hull. Hull.

She's from Hull. Thank you for saying I'm funny. I always find it quite nice when real, real comedians think I'm funny. I always find it quite nice when real comedians think I'm funny. That's quite cool. I think that the snorer should get up. I think the person who the snorer has woken should shake them vigorously and get them out of bed

and go, get out of bed, you pig. Go and snow in the spare room because you make me sick you're turning my stomach with your aggressive late night

party breathing party breathing I hate snoring well yeah you always have a go at me for snoring snoring is

really irritating I've said before snoring is basically like lying there screaming about how much of a good sleep you have

it's horrible it's very yeah it's intrusive what do you think you think? You think the person. You snow.

You do snow, but I never wake you up. I do not snow. You won't fucking have it. I know you won't have it, but I never wake you up and sometimes you're really loud, but I'll never wake you up

and have a go at you. Right, well, more fool you. This is bollocks. It's not bollocks. This is pure bollocks because you would wake me up. I'm telling you. Bullshit.

No. I sometimes give you a very gentle nudge If I think you're going to wake up Rafe With your snoring I won't have it But you do snore

Honestly Well You know Call us a liar As much as you want I'm going to call you a liar Because There's no way

That you would Look at you Trying to paint A nice picture of yourself We know You would be like Rosie You're snoring

I can't sleep So don't you dare I record it You can make it really piss off Because you do But anyway I feel like I feel like You've sided with her snoring, I can't sleep. So don't you dare. You can let it really piss off because you do. But anyway, I feel like, I feel like you've sided with her.

I think she nodded towards, nudged towards that answer there. Because you, well, you know her fella, John. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So John's probably snoring and she's probably kicking off. But I think that, yeah, the person who's already awake should just piss off

and let the other person sleep. Wow. Yeah. Selfish. Can you remember, it's just reminding me me i don't know if we talk about the podcast can you remember when we were in the old out the old house and we had a uh argument one night and we're in bed in bedroom and you were like right i'm going to the spare room and you got your pillow and you marched off to the spare room and about 20 minutes you came back into the bedroom and went you were supposed to follow me down you remember

you didn't come of course I fucking didn't you were like I'm going to this room and you went the spare room is downstairs and you're not at all you came back

20 minutes later with your pillow you were supposed to follow me yeah yeah I didn't didn't get that memo horrible

trying to get a nice night's kip. Cruel that was. Was it now? Nasty. But that's when I used to give a shit. We didn't have kids then. Yeah. That's when I used to be like,

oh, now I'd go down and be like, oh, fuck you. Wow. Fall straight asleep. And they say the magic dies when you get married. Thank you, Lucy, for that question. And Lucy Beaumont's brand new book is called Drinking Custard,

The Diary of a Confused Mum, and it's out now. Nice. Oh, that sounds really good. I love custard, I love books, I love drinking. I'm getting it. Do you like mams? Define mams. It's about being a mam.

Are you talking about yourself? No, all mams in general. They're all right. Take them or leave them. Thanks, Lucy. Thank you once again for coming back and listening to us here at Shagmaranoyed, Thanks, Lucy. have been there. Thank you for coming back to join us here at Shagmire Denoid. Here at Shagmire, like it's a destination. We are. So you can get on a train and go, one ticket to Shagmire Denoid please.

Well we can now when we're on tour. Shagmire Denoid dot com. Good save and good segue into the December dates are on sale and selling fast because everyone's seen the videos and they know it's definitely happening. We're very excited. Obviously my tour is on until November as well.

Nobody cares. Wow, wow. So the dates are on my website and the dates are on the Shagmarinoid website. And obviously, please, if you've got anything to send in, shagmarinoid at gmail.com. And we'll love you and we'll be back in your ears next week. Have a lovely week. Yes.

Bye. Bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishikesh Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca.

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