Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 138. Party at the drive thru

Episode Date: October 15, 2021

On the podcast this week Chris and Rosie discuss Rosie’s shortened swimming career, Chris’s forgetfulness and what may or may not have happened in The Minority Report.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game

and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com Hello, you're listening to Shag My Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, but also looks a little bit like Johnny Bravo with his hair flicked up, Chris Ramsey.

Why are you currently slagging me off for my hair being up? It's just, it's very high, but I actually quite like it. Well, it doesn't sound like it, because you're just being an absolute dick about it. I love Johnny Bravo. Listen, I went and just did my hair just there, especially for this podcast. So I don't know why I'm getting shit for this.

Good for you. I put my new boots on. You have put your new boots on. I put a pair of boots on. Now and then, because they're new, and I don't know why I'm getting shit for this. Good for you. I'll put my new boots on. You have put your new boots on. I'll put a pair of boots on. Now and then, because they're new and I haven't wore them. Now and then,

I like to pair new shoes in the house. They're like formal slippers. They are. So just put them on and wander around. Stitchfix gave you them for the tour.

Yeah. Didn't wear them for the tour. Nah. Put them on now and you absolutely love them. I forgot. They gave me that much stuff. They sent me that much stuff.

They were at the back of the reel and I didn't realise. I've put them on now and they're bloody lovely. You could have been wearing them on tour. Yeah, I know. You've had your much stuff. They sent her that much stuff. They were at the back of the rail and I didn't realise. I've put them on now and they're bloody lovely. You could have been wearing them on tour. Yeah, I know. Got your trainers on instead. Not just that.

You know what? What? They've got a cheeky little quarter inch heel on them. Have they now? Tell you what, I'd be beheading them coming out the top of their marinas. How's the weather up there?

But no, no, I've been working around like tiny little me. Oh my word, right. This is, right, okay. I'm so glad that you've mentioned me. Oh, my word. Right, this is... Right, okay. I'm so glad that you've mentioned height. People, for some reason, I don't know why, and this is not strangers, this is people I know,

people ask me all the time how tall you are. How tall are you? I think that's a very personal question. I'm your wife. Everyone listening is not my wife. Well... Why do people ask how tall I am? Honestly, I don't know.

People ask a lot of questions about you people always that's what that comes up whenever i used to do meet and greets after me to our shows people always used to say you look a lot taller on telly and i was like well you've mainly seen us on panel shows sitting down so i don't know what you're talking about there i've got a long torso um i'm 5 11 just oh yeah right okay with the fringe up uh johnny bravo and these shoes on, I'm probably 6'1". How many inches are in a foot? 12, innit? So, you're near 6'0", okay.

No, no, I think I'm probably, you know what, flat down, hair flat down, no shoes on, I'm probably about 5'10.5". Right, so you lied. Rosie, I'm 5'1". No, I mean, I'm 5'1". Rosie, I'm going to the ground, I a hole i'm a little hole i'm a sewer do you know that's true what you say people say you look taller people meet me and they're like are you smaller in real life i'm like the camera adds 10 pounds yeah so what are you gonna

do stop eating cameras love boom now we've started now we have started guys it is episode 138 as if as if as if skip to a little edit point here listeners Chris is currently freaking out because he thinks he stole somebody's joke

by saying stop eating cameras I feel like I've heard stop eating cameras somewhere that's a massive part of a comedian's life isn't it

yeah it's weird ruins a lot of stuff for this podcast yeah you've actually said stuff that I've gone you can't have no comedian who does a routine about that yeah yeah so if i always do i always it's really you get really worried you get really really worried that you've stepped on someone's toes and used

it's like it it's a code of honor in comedians where you just don't nick other people's gear and don't do other people's gear i get that musicians fuck covering covering each other's songs willy-nilly having a lovely bloody time time. I think they've got to ask, though, don't they? Yeah, I suppose, but still. Do you have to ask before you cover someone's songs? I don't know. I never did, but I don't think anyone really gave a shit. You didn't sing the fucking correct words, did you?

So it didn't even matter. They were probably absolutely unnoticeable. Listen, Adele, I'm going to Haven this weekend. I'm going to be doing a three-minute... Sorry, I'm going to be doing a ten-minute medley going to be doing a ten minute medley of all your songs is that alright babes yeah great hello

hello Madonna yeah yeah I'm at Jarrow Social Club tonight I'm going to be singing Leper Quassing goodnight there actually Jarrow Social Club

fucking right it is don't knock it till you try it guys without further ado it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor is

butterfly stroke oh hey have a nice time in the pool oh watch out someone over there's doing butterfly stroke in a public pool fucking horrible it is the swimming equivalent of a loud motorbike going down a pedestrian street it's it's you're showing off. It's pointless. Only about 15 people in the entire world can do it. Well, listen. Stop doing it. Pointless.

Don't want to brag or anything, but I used to swim for South Tyneside and my stroke in the relay was butterfly. Bullshit. I'm not, Chris.

No one can do it. Only the people in the Olympics can do a butterfly stroke. I've got it on video. Are you shitting me? One of them videos in the box. Yes.

In the cellar. In the video box. And we don't own a VHS. Well, I want to get them sent off and made. See, right? Okay, listen. Suspicious. I want to get them sent off and made into something,

but I can't get DVDs anymore. Can you get VHS to a dongle? Yes. Can you? Yes. Well, I'd like to do that. Oh, God. I'm not trying to be a dick. I'm asking. Why aregle? Yes. Can you? Yes. Well, I'd like to do that. Oh, God. I'm not trying to be a dick.

I'm asking. Why are you... Yes. Have you not seen the billboard outside of the front house with VHS to dongle? I didn't know that. Well, my point is,

Mrs. Lunatic, to get it onto a DVD, then rip it from a VHS and put it on a hard drive, then burn it to a DVD, so you're just cutting out the and put it on a hard drive then burn it to a DVD. So you're just cutting out the third stage of that. So I'm actually saving the planet.

Great. I'm glad. Not the planet because it's not a planet because actual electricity is going to be used to burn your fucking butterfly stroke video

that no one wants to see. Is electricity worse for the planet than a DVD? I don't know. In the case. Possibly. Yes. What did you just hit there

me laptop you just hit your laptop up onto my laptop it started great the theory's getting me back listen the reason I sponsored that was a sponsor this week

because I was in a pool the other day and there was a man doing a butterfly stroke and I felt attacked it's a very selfish stroke I felt attacked it was a fucking small pool it was like a spa

and he was butterfly stroking I thought he was dying no it was the weirdest thing I've ever seen there's no need there's no need for it in a public situation

he's coming up both arms are coming up do you know how should I give you a little trick so when you do the butterfly obviously your feet have to stay together

and it's like it's like a mermaid kind of thing it's like it's how you would swim if the mafia had put your feet into concrete and thrown you in a river it's how you would swim if the mafia had put your feet into concrete

and thrown you in a river. It's how you would try and save your own life. If that ever happens, okay. Yeah. So you've got a kick using a mermaid kind of stroke with your feet

and your legs. Right. And then when you put your arms over, when you put them back in the water, you make the shape of a keyhole. Right. Like that. Right.

Do you understand? So you do the little round bit, you go into the middle and then you go down like a little skirt and then you go together like that right do you understand so you do the little round bit you go into the middle and then you go down like a little skirt and then you go together and that's how you do the butterfly bitches right okay one question what uh we are scenario for you we're at the beach um and um robin robin it's not a nice story um robin goes out in a little dinghy okay he falls out you've got to swim out to save him are you doing butterflies joke yes or no

are you swimming butterflies joke to save your child from drowning listen no I'm not because it's fucking bollocks it's the worst joke ever

stop doing it in a competitive I'm going to start a petition to get a take on the Olympics because it's just unsettling it's unsettling to watch

I don't like it it's nice it's not nice it's horrible they all look like they're being dragged under by some kind of serpent.

How mint is it when they just go under for so long and you're like when they're going to come up? They've done half the pool.

Well sometimes I watch the swimmers at the Olympics not doing butterfly stalkers it's pointless but the ones doing the proper stuff and I think

they are swimming faster than I could run alongside of the pool. Yeah it is. It's impressive. It's really incredible apart from butterfly stalkers it's stupid and pointless. I was taught by an Olympic swimmer at South Down pool. Yeah, it is. It's impressive. It's really incredible. Apart from Bottlehide's door, because it's stupid and pointless.

I was taught by an Olympic swimmer at South Downside. Yeah? Chris Cook. Ah. Cookie. Cookie. Cookie.

Cookie. Do you know him? From Cool Cookie. Are you dating the man? Cookie the Crawler. What? No, I'm just kidding. I've never heard him in my life.

But I'm sure he's amazing. One last thing I want to say about swimming. Oh, God. I had to stop, because I stopped my periods, and it was getting a bit too much. Oh. And. Oh. Hey. Well, periods and it was getting a bit too much.

Oh, hey. It was, it was a bit intense. I was like 12 or 13. Oh, why did this happen? One of the best, the reason why I actually really enjoyed it. No, I'm sorry, I need to interrupt. Why did your period stop you from swimming? Because it got really intense, right? So obviously it was a proper squad and you get moved up

as you get older and you get better or whatever i was starting to have to go at like five o'clock in the morning before i was going to school we're here chris we're here at school it wasn't good my eyes were puffy i was knackered it was like training like five nights a week and obviously when i started my periods i was like oh i didn't wear tampons i was like what what am i meant to do if i'm on my period just miss a week miss a week of swimming what do you mean you didn't wait i don't understand when you young when you start off your period you don't go straight in with a tampon you start off with a pad you can't be wearing a pad to go to the swimming right so what right okay because me and a lot of the other um i'll be honest with you stupid men listening and i put myself in that category when

you said i started my period i couldn't do it anymore we pictured jaws when someone gets bitten and the entire pool goes red and i'm telling you right now i'm not saying that for effect or to upset anyone but every man listening pictured that thank you for clearing up that it was more of a comfort thing i've started people just just swimming people swimming bush butterfly stroke oh no I've got it on so you think I just got banned

because I started my period in heaven baths yeah I thought the whole which isn't there anymore actually rest in peace

heaven baths brilliant slide brilliant slide great slide that's the way I trained yeah anyway

I did the best thing about swimming when I was younger if anybody else used to go swimming, was that you were allowed to eat like raw jelly

at nine o'clock in the morning for energy. Wow. Just, just. And that's, that's what kept us going for like six years.

Wow. Wow. And tuna, and tuna and sweet corn pasta. Raw jelly, period and public. Raw jelly, period and public. Rosie, you know you can just in public. Raw jelly, pureed in public.

Rosie, you know you can just buy that raw jelly and eat it at home anyway. Bye, everyone! It'll be Mam with no letters. Are you kidding us? Mam, can I eat six cubes of raw jelly? What? No, you can't.

Mam, can I eat six cubes of raw jelly? Yes, you can because you need energy for your race. Wow. Good girl. Wow. Good girl. Good girl. And I just want to clarify

before anybody just starts hating on us, not everybody stopped because they got the periods. That was just a personal choice of mine. Right. I don't think you implied

that everyone stopped because they got the periods. Imagine. The NBA squad just lads. There's loads of female swimmers in the Olympics. I guarantee you they all cracked on, love.

So why did I... there must have been more reason i couldn't be asked i don't know lazy yeah absolutely yeah got sick of jelly yeah no i don't like jelly now actually sick of myself yeah tainted it tainted it listen let's get this jingle on before i cry my eyes out honestly we've talked about swimming so much i can smell chlorine oh i did i used to always smell a chlorine oh my god a lot okay here's the jingle we had a fight about the jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle

so this is the jingle we hope you like the jingle Jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo Jingle Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Swimming Knowledge with Rosie and Chris Oh God No, I'm not going to talk about swimming anymore That was one of the longest intros I've ever done We've done longer

Yeah? Yeah, yeah Maybe, maybe, yeah But listen, long intros or not doesn't mean that we have not been long listed for a national comedy award best podcast bloody hell yes we have so there we go do you know what that that i'm really chuffed with that yeah i'm buzzing absolutely buzzing uh guys you can vote yeah it's the national comedy awards it'll be on channel four uh the long lists are out uh national comedy awards.com uh get voting you can vote for us in the best podcast category

and then hopefully we'll get shortlisted and then I'm sure I will be begging you to vote again if we get shortlisted to try and win the award, which would be lovely.

Are you chuffed with that because you've obviously been a comedian for a long time. Oh, here it comes. How many years? Oh, here it comes. How many years though?

Oh, here it comes. How many? 12 years. 12 years you've been a comedian. I don't think you've ever been up for anything. Have you ever been invited to the awards themselves? Went once. 12 years you've been a comedian. I don't think you've ever been up for anything. Have you ever been invited to the awards themselves? Went once.

Went once with the Celebrity Juice guys when Celebrity Juice was up for Best. Got steaming. Got a load of selfies with loads of people. And got told off by the people from Juice for asking for too many selfies of other people. Shut up. I didn't get told off.

But the producer of Juice was the producer Dan one of the producers did this actually happen this is tragic he was like Ramsey man Ramsey what you doing I just kept getting selfies

with who Dougie from McFly because I'd watched him in I'm a Celeb that year Mark Wright was there as well because they were besties so I got a selfie with them as well

brilliant and then everyone I saw wow oh it was buzzing man people from Blackadder were there it was fantastic we weren't together then no no I got a selfie with them as well and then everyone I saw wow oh I was buzzing man people from Blackadder were there it was fantastic we weren't together then

no no I was like I got so pissed that night I then went back to my hotel that I was in and opposite my hotel was a McDonald's but the McDonald's was shut

but the drive through was open so I stood at the drive through and waited for someone to come past in a car and got in their car and got them to get us a McDonald's. That's a story I've never heard.

Yeah. One, that's actually quite dangerous. Yeah. And two, it's utterly tragic. She was really nice. She was called Rebecca. We still follow each other on Twitter. So there you go.

Wow. Dead nice girl. Shut up. Let us in her car, got us a Big Mac. She even drove us back to the hotel. It was only over the road. Did she know who you were? Not at first, but I may have heavily implied

that I was a comedian and not some lunatic. But hand in hand. What the hell? Yeah. What did you get? Probably a Big Mac. I imagine a Big Mac. Celebrity.

What is it? How do you say... No, I don't think... Celebrity just didn't win that year. I think Air Shooting Stars won. I know. How do you say... Celebratory.

Celebratory. Good God. It's a hard word. Celebratory juice. Celebratory. I don't think no I don't think Celebi just didn't win that year I think Air Shooting Stars won I know how do you say celebratory celebratory good god it's a hard word celebratory juice celebratory celebratory juice Big Mac I flippin love Big Macs yep

double Big Macs out of the minute the double Big Mac shut up no there's like yeah but there's four burger patties in there like what's going on

I've never had I've never had one before the one that they brought out that was like just a bigger circumference was amazing yeah that was the grandie

the grand mac yeah but they stopped that and now it's like go wider don't go taller what do you think I am a snake

dislocating me jaw it's always what I say girth girth over length why have you dirty this Chris I'm talking about burgers what are you talking about oh

I thought you were what are you talking about I thought you were dicks I thought you were talking about tiddlers I thought you were talking about burgers what are you talking about oh I thought you were what are you talking about I thought you were dicks I thought you were tiddlers I thought you were witties

listen I kind of was no I'm due at McDonald's you know I keep my powder dry for a few months and then I have a blowout months when was the last time we were at a McDonald's

couple of weeks ago on beginning of the tour yeah that's at least a month ago it is honestly a month ago it is honestly a month ago is it really time flies when

you're having fun guys nationalcomedyawards.com please vote for us in the best podcast category that would be lovely please do because I've been watching that

as well for years and that would be pretty mint if we won that yeah be class why we all party at the drive-thru after

party at the drive-thru me and you and whoever wants to let go in their car or van or bus. Yeah. Okay. We're actually in Birmingham the night of the awards. Yeah, we are actually.

Oh, we could do one of them videos where we've won. Yeah. I mean, stop counting chickens. We're not even on the short list yet. Gee whiz. Are we not short? All right, okay. So this might genuinely not be happening.

Sell out a couple of arenas and you think you're bloody Billy Big Bollocks. All right. Eh? Okay, all right. Reign yourself in. Listen. No, I'm just commenting on the fact that we

always get nominated for things that the public can vote for. We never get nominated or win things that actual panel members vote for. Oh, if there's a panel

of judges. We're not going to. If there's a panel of judges you might as well throw one of them straight in the fucking bin. They hate us. But when you beauties

listening right now are in charge, we know how the tide ends up turning. So yeah. Rosie, what you don't have is the sort of the humbleness that 12 years of not getting nominated for anything gives you. Oh no, I just have the

12 years of being denied from every audition that I've ever done. Yeah? Yeah. Oh, go on, play in that hour. Play in Who's Got the Biggest Violin. No, it's true. It's actually, my friends were really, it was sweet in a way,

but obviously just a, it reminded us of a lot of bad times because they were just kind of saying like, you know, remember when you used to audition for loads of stuff and you never got anything? And then they were like,

and now we look again. I was like, that's nice and thank you, but yeah, yeah. Remember when, you know at the beginning of this podcast when you asked us how tall I was? Remember when you didn't get a job on a cruise ship

because you weren't tall enough to fit in the costumes? Yeah. Was that bullshit or was that true? I did that. Do you know what I mean? Do you think that's just what they say? It's a good don't hurt your feelings put down. Yeah.

Yeah, not you're shite. Oh, you're not going to fit in this bear costume. No, it was the actual costumes because you have to be over it it's a bit like being a flight attendant so you can reach

the cupboards I never got I never bothered with that you also never learned that they're not called cupboards what they're called

overhead compartments cupboards just put your stuff in the cupboards they're Ikea them put them together myself

they are cupboards though they're not cupboards though. They're not cupboards. Well, they are. You could fit in one. You love to take your time getting your stuff out of the cupboards. That pisses me off, no end. Wow, wow.

I know, but I don't like that. Everyone's stood up and waiting and you're just nonchalantly, casually getting your stuff out. Why? When the fucking aeroplane door's shut, everyone queues up and stands and like hustles towards the front and you're like the fucking stairs aren't even there yeah you pricks

I'm one of them it's ingrained and it's Sandra's fault yeah you're horrible she's like that yeah you will join yeah I've said it before you joined a queue

past the chairs where we were sitting at we were sitting at some chairs waiting and the queue went past us so I was like well we'll just sit in these chairs until the end of the queue

gets here then we'll stand up no no no you stood up we took all of our stuff at the end of the queue and then we walked past the chair we'd just been sitting there.

Wow. I'm getting better. I'm getting better now. When I know I've got a seat in that I'm like, right, that's okay. I have got... You've taught us that. I am better.

Yeah, good. You are welcome. You're welcome. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef, eh? What's Your Beef? Beef?

What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? You go first. Start. Start. Actually, no, do you know what?'s your beef what's your beef your beef you go first actually no do you know what do you know what um is it okay with you can i request to go first this week because i've got a funny feeling that your beef's gonna be i don't want to give anything away but i've got a funny feeling that your beef's gonna be quite vicious this week and mine will sound a bit stupid after you've done yours because i've got a feeling i know what yours is because i i was very aware that i annoyed you today yeah to the point where i stormed out to

the house to the shops um i did tell you to f off at one point you you recited by telling me to f off as well oh did you not hear that oh no i would never say that i didn't tell you i had to f off when did you tell me to f off did you actually no i didn't these headphones aren't working i can't hear you oh that's horrible. No, I didn't. We said we weren't going to do things like that. Name calling is beneath us, Christopher. Call each other names weekly on a podcast.

I know, but not like not. Oh, fuck off. Listen, mate. No, I know. I think I remember when you did. And you had Rafe. And you were walking back. And uh-huh.

I know when you did now. Little wanker. Listen. You fuck off. You fuck off. Oh, sorry. What are you going to do? Yeah, you're walking back and uh-huh, I know when you did now. Little wanker. You fuck off. You fuck off. Oh, sorry. Yeah, you're right. Sorry about that. Listen, my beef with you this week before you go all nuclear on me

ass, right? My beef with you this week is you can't make a bed for shit and I'm sick of it. I come back, right? You don't put the mattress, the bottom sheet on properly. It always comes off on my end. It's hard.

It's hard to do. And I end up wrinkled up in it. It's tight. It comes off my end, on my top corner. I woke up the other day, I'd been lying chest first. I looked like I was dying.

I had like an old man wrinkly chest because of all the blooming creases on it. And then you've put the duvet cover in the wrong way. Right, well we need to make a mark of some sort. The lines go horizontal. That's all you need to know.

Horizontal, that's lying down, isn't it? The lines are lying down. The lines are lying down. No, stop. No, no, no, no. Right. The rain in Spain lies mainly on the plain. First of all, don't make a rhyme.

Don't. Stop, stop, stop. Don't make a rhyme to remember the thing you've just got wrong because you've got it wrong. What do you mean the lines are lying down? It's on a duvet. It's flat. It's always going to lie down.

No, if I look at it, if I look at that quilt, there's little lines of like stitching. Yeah, they run from one side to the other. If I look at that quilt though, they need to be horizontal.

I never knew that. Now I know that. Right. So I've been putting them in vertical. Right. It's very confusing. It looks the same size. It's not very confusing.

It's the easiest thing in the world. It looks the same width as them. It's the easiest thing in the world it looks the same width as them it's the easiest thing in the world it's not oh god do you know what's hilarious like it's been bugging me for about three nights

but I was like I just want to wait until you get home so you can sort it out have you sorted it out no I haven't sorted it out well will you do it before the night

because it's really irritating because on my side of the bed on the quilt I've got like I've got about I can't believe what I'm hearing I've got about 8 inches of just sheet before the duvet starts.

Right, so that makes sense because I had no duvet last night and it was because you were pulling it because you had the sheet hanging over the side. Right, well, there you go. Oh, God, why are you so shit at stuff? Another one you did. We've got two pillows. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah. Stop that now. We've got two pillows. Stop that now.

It's still bed related. So you, we've both got two pillows, right? Check us out. Yeah. Doing well. No,

not doing well because you only put one pillowcase on one of them. So there's two pillows. One of them's got a pillowcase on. The other one's just left bare because you only sleep on one. And you put a pillowcase on the wrong one. I had to climb. No there's two pillows. One of them's got a pillowcase on. The other one's just left bare because you only sleep on one. And you put the pillowcase on the wrong one.

I had to climb. No, listen to me. Because there's, there was a reason why. Because you're an idiot? No, it's not because I'm an idiot. What then? It's because

we have got Super King pillows. Yeah. Because we've got a Super King bed, right? Because we're, you know, don't like to touch each other.

right because we you know don't like to touch each other I like to sleep in a different postcode to my wife so our bed's massive

right and because we're kids are in it every flipping night which secretly love so we've got super king pillows that my mum got

and we've got super king pillowcases obviously don't know where they are they all look the same and I couldn't I went through, no, listen to us here. I put three pillowcases on, right? And none of them fit and I gave up.

And I thought, I can't do this. I didn't have time. How can they look the same? One of them is literally a foot and a half longer than the other ones. There's not that much. And what are you doing putting them on first? Just lie them next to it and see if it's the same length you jerk no because then

it's the fluffiness of it and it'll make it smaller no that doesn't make any sense it does it makes loads of sense lazy email in

if it makes sense don't email in you're lazy so you put on the wrong one one of them's one of them's feather by the way anyone out there

using feather pillows you want shot with shit you want beaten to death with your feather pillow. People still making them. What are yous playing at? I use a feather pillow. What are you talking about?

It's horrible. You put your head in it and it just flattens in the middle and the sides wrap around your head. Yeah, everyone likes different things. It's awful. How dare you? Just because it doesn't agree with you. I have a feather pillow and I actually really enjoy it. Even though Rafe might have an allergy to feathers.

So I need to get rid of it. Seriously, right? People might as well. People who are sleeping on feather pillows and wafery little shitty flat pillows. You might as well be sleeping on a t-shirt. It's pointless. There's nothing to it. But you put it on the wrong one.

So I had to get out of bed. And the stick in you. Like little needles. It's the worst. And then every time one comes out you go there's me grander does me tits in

fucking sick man oh look at this feather pillow look at this there's two million of me grander all in one fucking place stupid moron can we talk really briefly

do I say about me cousins little girl no no I don't think she'll mind us saying this so obviously there's only been Briefly, did I say about my cousin's little girl? No, no. I don't think she'll mind us saying this. So, obviously, there's only been one great-grandchild who met me grandad before he died. Right.

So none of the great-grandchildren have met him. And there is a few of them, you know. So my cousin's little girl never met my grandad. Right. But she's got a picture. We talk about him so much, right? She's got a picture of him at the side of her bed. And she says all the time how much she misses him.

And she never met him. Oh, that's so sweet. It's so lovely. And Robin said the other day, the clouds were really lovely in the sky. And he said, that's my Mama's daddy, Grandad Jimmy. Oh, no. But I think he actually said, that's Mama's Grandad. Mama's Grandad.

Mama's Grandad. Do you know what? It's really, really sweet. But I feel like we just talk about them all the time. Well, obviously, I take the make, the feather thing. But I think it's absolutely lovely. I think it's lovely that there's a photo of him

you know there's photos of him in our house yeah like imagine I mean obviously you'd never know it but imagine being photos

and being talking about ages after you're gone and kids and getting you know I don't want to get too deep here but it is a lovely lovely thing just know

just know though that he is listening to this yeah and I don't think he likes you okay cool

you know because all you do is slag yourself so just know that Jimmy listen if you're floating about the house just give her a nudge

which way to put the fucking duvet in the cover do us a favour it'll freak us out I know you're there but don't make your presence known

because I'll get scared thank you right come on then it is with due trepidation that I ask you Thank you. Right. Come on then. It is with due trepidation that I ask you, what is your beef? So, well, you say beef,

but it's actually, I'm a bit concerned about you. Right. To the point where I genuinely think you might have to ring the doctors. Okay. Just because, just to let everyone know, last night you told me that you had forgotten how to make Robin and Rafe's tea.

Yes. And I'm just a little bit worried about you because normally to forget something as simple as that, you would have had to have, I don't know, had some sort of... Blunt force trauma to the head. Yeah, some sort of really bad trauma. Or, you know, have been away in the army

for possibly a couple of years. Yeah. You've been away for a week yeah Chris since the last time you saw me make tea for the boys I'm just worried I'm just really

listen I know babe I'm really worried about you I haven't made tea for them I haven't made tea for them for easily over a month because I've been so busy with stuff

the other day I was back for 23 hours right I'm away a lot I've got a lot on my mind I'm genuinely really worried about you if you can got a lot on my mind just it's i'm genuinely really worried about you if you can just for getting a little simple tasks like that it's just did you say it just to get out of it no no come on i panicked i was like i don't know what to do

here honestly honestly there's no i yes or no bullshit did i have to ask you how many sweeteners you take in your coffee coffee you did you did. You did that because you knew I was going to mention this today. And you thought I'm going to ask her because I'm going to play on this narrative of I'm so forgetful. You're the least forgetful person I know. I'm aware so much. Love. You don't forget how to make your kids tea. Love.

Christopher. Love. Christopher. What's in it? Love. Rosie, listen. Some stuff, it's just going out of my brain

because I'm not busy you should be actually ashamed of yourself sweet cheeks what's it you what's your name

so just to let you all know that I left today because he tried to do it again today as I was leaving

for the supermarket trying to play the game of I forgot what he has for his dinner so what did I say to you I said

google it do you know what's funny Chris I didn't know what he had for his dinner. So what did I say to you? I said, do you know what's funny, Chris? I didn't know what Rafe had for his dinner until I Googled it. And you can use Google, so do it yourself, dickface. Well, I went straight on Google and turns out Rafe,

even though he's only nine months, he's got a food blog on BBC Good Food. I just read that. He just had all his favourite stuff. He's written what he wanted and I just made some stuff of that. He was over the moon. Good.

Over the moon good over the moon are you going to apologise nah I looked at your list on the fridge though that was good you need to add cheese on toast to it though

oh my word Chris there's a full three pages of lists of what Rafe eats you bellend

and you made me go to Google wow stupid sod you wanker listen I am sorry I apologise I'm out of practice You made me go to Google. Oh, wow. Stupid sod. You wanker. Listen, I am sorry. I apologise.

I'm out of practice. And it's a confidence thing. It is like a, you know, what if I give them the wrong thing? And I got in my own head about it. It's the same thing. I can never remember what side, what corner of an envelope a stamp goes on. Because I get in my own head so much about having it wrong the right hand side

top right well it's listen no I can sympathise with you because I have actually forgotten how to make all of the teas that you enjoy

I only remember how to make tuna and sweet corn jack potato right so that's what I'm going to be having for tea this evening not sure what you're going to

be having yourself yep I'll be going out for a curry. Enjoy. Because I would rather die than have a jacket of potato for my tea. Right. Because it's the worst food ever. I'm disgusted.

End of discussion. Hope you choke on your curry. I can't remember what to chew, actually. Honestly. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and

Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil.

It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30 p.m. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com it's time for questions from the public

public guys as always if you want to get in touch it is shagged married annoyed at gmail.com the public. From the public. Public. Public. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. Please continue to send all of your fantastic things because we bloody love them. Are we friends? Hmm? We've argued a lot this episode. Are we friends? Hmm.

Aww. I don't know. Aww. I'll see if I remember how to be a friend later on. Okay, then. No, we are friends. I'm still mixed. Just don't do that. Honestly. I'd forgot to be a friend no we are friends just don't do that honestly such a bellend thing to do

you know what it was a panicking thing I know but it was just really ridiculous I've forgotten how to make the tea what what

Robin's six he's nearly six how could you have forgot to make his tea did you just forget how old he was he's five Chris he's five it's so easily done he's nearly six it's could you have forgot to make his tea? Did you forget how old he was? He's five. Chris.

He's five. It's so easily done. He's nearly six. It's so easily done. And Rafe has practically the same as Robin, just cut smaller. Right. It fucking doesn't. Gee whiz. Listen, it's time for Rosie's Mysteries.

Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries.

Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries.

Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries.

Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. Mysteries. for Rosie's mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries

mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries

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mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries

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mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries

mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries

mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries mysteries music No, I think I did. I miss music. In my head, that sounded amazing. I really, I just miss music on the podcast. You forgot music?

Oh, we're not allowed it. Not allowed it. Got to pay loads for it. Forget it. Forget it. Do the song in your head. We're not paying for it. God damn it.

I might learn the piano so I can do my own jingles. Right. I haven't got time, have I? Yeah, I mean. I'd like to. I might learn a, do a little keyboard. I tell you, I could play, if I didn't have a wooden heart on the keyboard when I was younger

right if I only had a if I only had a wooden is it Elvis? I don't know wow so look forward to more of that

sorry you know I could play not only have you forgot how to play what it is, you forgot the name of it, the lyrics, what the song is and who sang it. So that's good. Forgetting stuff, forgetting stuff is, it's a thing. It goes on.

You do forget stuff. No, no. I forgive you. Chris, I was nine at the time. I forgive you. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I was told about your podcast at the beginning of lockdown, and now that I'm up to date, I've started it all over again.

I hope you did the thing, by the way, when you're told about our podcast. Anyone, if you're told about our podcast, you've got to immediately tell 10 friends in an hour, or your crush will never fancy you. Oh, hey. So, remember to do that, or you'll die alone. Do you know someone?

No, I don't want to name and shame her, because I love her so much, So, remember to do that or you'll die alone. Do you want someone to... No, I don't want to name and shame her because I love her so much, but me auntie only stopped sending them about a year ago. Send this to ten people in your contact list or your crush will never fancy you. Oh, come on. Oh, shit!

What time did I open that? Oh, have I got 45 minutes or an hour who do I want to bestow this on do you remember then when we were kids oh hang on

my phone's flashing something very serious going on the day it ought to be mum we've organised Robin a little birthday party for his birthday and I sent it

sent it to the whatsapp the school whatsapp yeah and uh just eagerly waiting who's gonna rosie has been getting so excited when a reply comes like it is her birthday it is not your party it is robin's party it doesn't mean you're popular if people are coming okay does it not no does it mean robin's popular or does it just mean people want something to do that day it isn't it just means i was probably just filling the deal yeah yeah that's fine free free dinner for kids, isn't it? Well, there we go.

It's kidding me, man. Would you two stop blocking the lines? God. Got a party to organise. Okay. I can't help but think that this is the best place to share this story, especially with the new and improved format of Rosie's Mysteries. Wow.

So this is from a while ago. We bought our house earlier in the year and have slowly been ticking off the many laborious tasks that come with committing to a lifetime of debt. Yeah, yeah. Have you unpacked all your boxes yet? Because we still haven't done that. No, we moved in in March and we've still got so many boxes in the cellar.

Do you know, I was looking for a chopping board today and I remembered we've got one of them full stacks of chopping boards. You know when it's got all the different ones on when it's got the fish and the veg in it? Yeah. We bought one of them in the old house and I've got no clue where it is. No clue.

I also don't know where the little brush is for the fireplace. So I've been using just a brush I found at a hoover. Okay. Oh, I don't know where them things are. No idea what's going on. I do like that chopping board, though. Mm-hmm, yeah. You keep your fishes and your meats

and your veggies all separate. Is that the jingle, or have you just made that up? I've just made that up. Very good. Thank you. Go on. Read mystery before I explode.

This week, the weather here in Australia has been brilliant. Vomit. So after work, I... So jealous. That was jealousy, by the way, everyone. Oh, yeah, I'm not vomiting in Australia. Bloody laugh, Australia. Just the fact that the weather's just lovely, by the way, everyone. Oh, yeah, I'm not vomiting Australia. Bloody laugh, Australia.

Just the fact that the weather is just lovely, isn't it? Yeah. So after work, I thought I'd end the day by getting out of the house and doing a bit of gardening, whilst listening to the podcast, of course. Thank you so much. After a few relentless hours of ripping out weeds, I finally made my way to the most overgrown section of our front garden. You've got to be brave to do a bit of australia like why sunstroke no no everything's trying to kill you all the time yeah

yeah even the ozone layer right really yeah that's why you've got to wear if you're in the pool and stuff you've got to wear much more you should wear you've got to wear factor 50 with a special uv thing and kids are very rarely... When we went, Robin had to be like head to toe. No. So she's made it the front garden with the overgrown, with hundreds of deep-rooted weeds and clusters of bulbs. Oh, clusters of bulbs, I don't like that.

Nobody wants a cluster of bulbs. As I worked, I couldn't help but notice an overpowering smell coming from the garden bed. I put it down to simply being some kind of plant juice as the plants were a little damp and kept going oh with how overgrown the garden had gotten with years of neglect i ended up on my hands and knees trying to rip the weeds out with all my strength however the closer my face got to the plants, the worse the smell grew. Oh, man. You knew it had to be about the smell. It was on here.

At the dry, retching, vom-in-your-mouth stage, I was sniffing around, trying to find the source of the smell. Goodness me. After a few minutes of deep sniffing and retching, I sat back to try and work out what the smell was. I concluded that it could only be one of two things. Either the neighbour's cat had been pissing on this section of the garden or the neighbours must keep their garage bin complete with kitty litter on the other side of the fence directly behind the garden bed.

Right. Determined to get the garden clear I kept going. Bear in mind that I had no gloves on and had removed my dusk mask to have a drink an hour ago and had misplaced it. Oh my word. I worked through the smelling garden for another hour or so until the stench of urine became too much and I gave up. I figured that now that it was almost half cleared it may get some much needed airing out and the smell would dissipate in time for my next gardening venture somewhere down the track. Over breakfast the next morning, I told my partner of the awful gardening venture. As I started to describe the smell and my confusion, explaining that it could only be the cat or possum piss, he burst into a fit of laughter. He looked at me with absolute delight

and through his laughter said... I know exactly what this is. He's been pissing out of the window and it's been landing there. And through his laughter said, that's my morning piss spot. I'm morning on a daily basis awful

every day is it not got toilet in the house like I don't know in the sun every day in Australia that's my morning piss spot

you can't be weaned outside in Australia not with that heat no oh you dirty horrible that's my morning piss spot that's my morning yeah don't do that

that's cockney that oh god my morning. Yeah, don't do that. That's cockney. Oh, God. Yes, that's right. I spent hours barehandedly ripping out plants that for the last six months. Wow. My partner had been using to take a leak in. Gallons of the stuff. I know.

He claims he didn't want to wake me up with the sound of the toilet flushing when he leaves for work at 3am. So he found a spot in the garden and dubbed it the piss spot. Oh mate. Awful that innit. Mate. Mate. Mate. Not good. That's horrible. Yeah. Oh god

I'm just thinking. If you put a hand in to grab a root all the leaves will be like rubbing on her forearms and her elbows.'s just his way isn't it doesn't even make it any better that it's a person that you love still gross isn't it

still hot wee hot dry wee get in the bin do you know how Rafe's had a really blocked nose recently and we think it might be an allergy

so the doctors give us some like baby pirating stuff so we're doing a little test at the minute I know that a lot of mothers do the whole mouth over the nose

to like to bring the snot out people put their mouths over honestly that noise there was me almost being sick they put their mouths

over both I've never talked about this before I nearly did it I nearly did it I was sat with him at four o'clock in the morning and he couldn't breathe he was like this and I nearly I went I had nearly did it. I was sat with him at four o'clock in the morning and he couldn't breathe. He was like this.

And I nearly, I went, I had him in me arms and I went, I'm not Chris, I haven't told you this. I went and put my nose over his,

I put my mouth over his nose to go and do it and I was like, I couldn't do it. And I love him so much but I couldn't do it. So when I wipe his nose,

when I wipe his nose with a tissue, I go and wash me hands because I'm on tour, I don't want to get him cold. You know, if he snots on us, I'll wipe it, when I wipe his nose with a tissue, I go and wash my hands because I'm on tour, I don't want to get him cold. You know, if he snots on us, I'll wipe it off and I'll wash. I'm not getting a mouthful of his snots.

I know. I'll have to cancel gigs. Well, I felt like a really bad mum because I couldn't do it. Sorry, I'm going to put my hands up here and say you're not a bad mum if you don't suck your baby's snots out of my nose with your mouth.

I really wanted to, I just couldn't bring myself to do it i felt terrible i really wanted to because i wanted to help him i would do anything to help him but i couldn't do it i know oh i don't i feel really bad about it use the snot sucker don't use your mouth chris i feel really bad because i like i couldn't do it and now I feel like, am I his mum? We've done the DNA test and you are his mother and we do have photographic evidence of you giving birth to him via C-section. However, you won't

suck his nose. I don't think you are. I did help once when Robin was constipated. I did help get a poo out of his nose. Stop, right, stop. Oh my God, put a babadoo bye in, please. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Chris and Rosie. I was listening to episode 132

and you wanted to know about things people have had time off work for. So here it goes. Oh, lovely. This is ridiculous things people have had time off work for. This is what this person rang in for. Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot. Sleep whiplash. Sorry?

Exactly. I woke up one morning with a pain in my neck and couldn't get out of bed without crying in pain. One trip to the dock later, and apparently I had given myself whiplash from moving my head too much in my sleep. Wow. And so I had to have a week off work to recover,

and phoning in with sleep whiplash is not something that there's an option for on your return to work form. That's from Amy. I smell a bullshit. Sorry, sleep whiplash is not a thing. You've just lay funny. Probably got a frigging feather pillow.

Yeah. If you've got a partner who doesn't put the right pillowcase on, you've got to line a feather pillow and you get a crick in your neck. I wonder. Some people do thrash in the neck. Carl Hutchinson had a bad neck the other day in the neck call call hutchinson had a

bad neck the other day in the tour van and every time i spoke room he was turning his whole body like robocop i wanted to smash his face in it was the most annoying thing he turned his entire body not a lie you're coming with me i was like oh but it does when you do hurt your neck it's really annoying when you're in a van with someone and they've done it it's pissing us off do you remember when Robin that's a funny thing when adulthood when adult illnesses like that

or unfortunate accidents ailments that's the word I was thinking of well done when adult ailments happened to children

that happened to Robin last year and he bless him he was absolutely gutted he had to lie on the sofa and couldn't move do you remember while you're here yeah I do yeah you had a bad neck he was absolutely gutted he had to lie on the sofa and couldn't move do you remember

while you were here yeah I do yeah he had a bad neck he was like I've hurt my neck his was like a whiplash thing he'd be doing when he was playing and stuff

yeah and so he had to sit down for the full day and like lie down it was a couple of days actually it was quite bad and he was remember we had to like

carry him to bed and that and that was kids did I I've just got a crook in your neck son did I never a crook in your neck I think is it or never? A crick in your neck, I think. Is it or not a crook?

Is it a crick or a crook? What is it? Oh, I don't know. What did I say? A crook. Crook. Might be crook. Makes sense.

Crick's not a word. Anyway, did I never tell you when I was younger and I did it so bad at school, I got the neck brace? No. I got a neck brace? You got a neck brace? Yeah, you know what? It looked like a big, a big long pillow. i got i didn't get a communal neck brace i got one from so it wasn't one of the

like proper plastic ones that you see people who've had really bad accidents wearing it was just almost like a this polystyrene one like the styrofoam no like the material stop saying no i've said no when you said polystyrene, I said no. I knew what you meant. Or do you mean like spongy? Yes. Oh, okay then. So polystyrene, you said the completely wrong word. Fusely.

A spongy one. So it was like a big, long, sort of big, long, spongy tongue. And it just wrapped around your neck with Velcro. Yeah, yeah, yeah. They give it to the fakers. They give it to the fakers. Sorry? They give it to the fakers. No, they give it to the people who definitely hurt their neck.

I think they definitely give it to the children whose. Sorry? They give it to the fakers. No, they give it to the people who definitely heard it there. I think they definitely give it to the children whose parents bring them in for ridiculous bullshit. Wow. So what are you doing? My mum and dad are downstairs. Do you want to go and have a word? I'll absolutely bring them up here.

I'll tell them to their face. Do you want to go and give them a shout? No, no. And Bill, he's had you wrapped around his finger for years. I don't think my mum and dad know we do a podcast.

No, I don't. I hope they think we're in here having sex I hope not my marriage is still alive sort of no but

one of the best school days ever when I went in with that neck brace on I bet it was I tell you what most popular kid

in the school I was nothing like that happened to me honestly everyone coming up tapping us on the shoulder and running off in the other direction

so I couldn't turn around and look at them. It's great banter. Great banter with the kids. It's great banter. Throw my stuff on the floor. Can you pick that up? No. The only thing really, really bad

that happened to me at school was that I broke my finger in netball, but it's a very... You can't really... There's nothing you can do for it. Don't you put it like lolly sticks? You've got to splint it and kind of have a little bandage around it.

But, you know, you don't get time off. It's not very serious. What hand was it? I can't remember. Why? It wasn't me right hand. Oh, there you go. Because I was still at school.

You brought the wrong one then. You brought the right hand. Fuck's sake. Walked around like a little Star Trek fan all day. Yeah. Do you know I used to play netball at school? I don't know if you know that. Oh, God.

Swimming netball. Yeah. Why did you you know I used to play netball at school? I don't know if you know that. Oh God, swimming netball. Yeah. Why did you give up netball? Got a period. Got a pair of tits, got in the way of the ball.

Actually. What are these doing? I did get poos very young. It probably did hurt to run. Jesus.

Because I was wing attack. Your wing attack do a lot of running. So that's probably why. And I didn't

have a, you don't buy a sports bra when you're like 13, do you I know I don't know save all your money for jelly I was on the hockey team as well

I was quite sporty at school yeah I used to do the climbing what happened I got lazy and found Netflix hi Chris and Rosie I've recently been in hospital

due to a kidney infection and in brackets I'm out now Oh good stuff That's good When I was in hospital I was on a lot of painkillers Oh

That's what you want That's what you want though You do You love your painkillers Oh hell tell you what You're going for too much Diamorphine Best day ever

Labour Not good Best day ever Diamorphine Brilliant Brilliant I can under... Do you know, this is it. There you go.

There you go. Right? I've never done drugs. Okay, I'm preparing myself for a ridiculous epiphany but come on. Well, I've never done drugs. I've never done hard drugs. I've only ever done weed, right? I've never done anything more. Sorry. Stop me there. Sorry. Guys, come on in.

We've got her. We've got her again. We've got her. Right? This whole thing has been a charade. Thank you for pretending to listen, everyone. We've finally got her. The weed wench of self-shields. We've got her.

Come on in, lads. Good job. Good job. Don't take me grinder. I've been working... Grinder. I've been working undercover for 12 years. Is that what it is?

To catch you for this. 12 years? Yeah, 12 years. we've only been together for 7 I had to do a bit of stand up first to cement myself as a name

so you'd fancy us in that club because you know weed wenches follow the money wow right cool

see you after I can head off now that's as it's been good I'm going to go back to my real family now okay I hope you remember

how to make the tea off the cliff been good. I'm going to go back to my real family now. Okay. I hope you remember how to make the tea. Pot noodles all round in the Smith household at night. That's my real surname. Oh, Christ. oh christ right okay so no apologies what i wanted to say what i wanted to say was i've never done hard drugs but i remember dimorphine very fondly so many i would like drugs yeah maybe maybe i would like drugs maybe i. Maybe I would like drugs. Maybe I would.

Yeah, well, yeah, they've got a... Is that what they're like? Well, that is diamorphine. What kind of drug is diamorphine? Yeah, yeah, it's like a... Morphine? Well, yeah.

So what's morphine? It's a downer, isn't it? Is it technically a downer? I don't know. I don't know what the... So they always put them into weird categories. You know when you watch

the TV shows where people are getting pulled over by the police? Mm-hmm. Yeah, and they always put them... Opus and Downers? Well, police? Opus and Downers? Well, no, Opus and Downers is like nicknames for it. Narcotics.

Yeah, that's it. There's like narcotics and there's amphetamines and there's nothing amphetamines. What's dimorphine? I've got no problem with that. It sounds like an amphetamine. Amphetamine. And the car trunk was full of amphetamines. Basically, I want to know where to get more amphetamines.

What would it be? Would it be heroin? Morphine. Is that what morphine is? I don't know. Probably up there with your heroines and all them fellas.

Okay. So there you go. I'm not going to try them because I've gone this far. Yeah. I've gone this long in my life. And drugs are for mugs, actually. Okay.

And I can't go back on my lifelong stance. What a place to go shopping. You know, you just said there what one would they be under like you were in a drug supermarket looking for the right aisle

I've just drugs is not it's not something I know much about is the diamorphine in the heroin aisle or is it in the cocaine aisle do you know what I find very upsetting

well when I say to people I've never tried drugs and they're always really shocked yeah they're always like oh I would have thought you would have

and I'm like really do I look like a dabbler the lady who does a dicey dabbler the lady who does our PR she

I'm not going to name her but she said the other night to me backstage at the Palladium do you know Chris I've never done a drug and I thought that sounds

that sounds about right I don't get it I've never done a drug a drug I have never in my life done a drug I was just like yeah that's all like don't get it i've never done a drug a drug i have never in my life done a drug yeah like that sentence although you're claiming that you haven't i believe you for the way the way you structure that sentence proves your point she ever had a paracetamol don't know

no she doesn't drink coffee she doesn't drink alcohol oh wow oh no she doesn't no she does none of the drug yeah none of the drug. Right, listen. Enough of drugs. We might be tempting people to have drugs and they're for mugs. I've got to go back to my real family after this, man. Jane Smith. Living the narcotic life.

Where the hell was I on this? Oh, she's off her tits on painkillers, right. Great. And so the nurses would come in every couple of hours to give me more. Give me more. Give me more. Give me. Give me. Give, give me, give me, give me more. Come on, just read the story.

However, every time they came in, they had to make me repeat my name, date of birth and check my wristband. Even though I had the same nurse all day in brackets, I'm guessing it was just to make sure I was the right patient. They do do that, actually. I think it's also probably to make sure you're not off your bait as well. Do you think? Probably.

Because if you go name an agent, they've got probably no more morphine for you because you're off your bait. In America, they do, don't they? In America, they've got really strong painkillers. It's nowhere near as strong over here. Do you know when you see... Oh, the YouTube videos where people have had their wisdom teeth out.

Yeah, they're amazing. What is that, then? Yeah, they give you... Isn't there a massive... I don't want to go Yeah, they give you... Isn't there a massive... I don't want to go too deep into this, but isn't there a massive epidemic in America because they give people painkillers for a reason and they get addicted to them?

And then they get really addicted. Yes, there is, yeah. Probably not a suitable subject matter for the podcast, but let's carry on anyway. No, but it's a fact, though. It's true. They do do that. Keep it light there.

Keep it light. Keep it light. Light hearted. Sorry, everyone. However, one time I was chilling in bed and a nurse came and pulled my curtain away and said would you like to take your phone with you or leave it here i was very confused but ann said oh i'll take it with me in brackets i had no idea where i was going wow my dad who sat next to

me looked at me with a very confused look on his face he asked the nurse where i was going and she looked at me and said oh are you not the patient going into theatre? My dad then stepped in and explained that I was the wrong person and I pointed to the patient in the bed opposite me who had been waiting for her surgery all day and said, I think you mean her. The nurse looked very embarrassed as she had almost took the wrong person into surgery. Goodness me!

The worst part is, she was so close to wheeling my bed away that if my dad had not been there I would have been too shy to say anything and would have ended up having the operation purely out of politeness. That's the most British thing in the world. That's great. What was rather strange

is that she didn't ask for my name, date of birth or check my wristband or anything so they could have quite literally cut me open. I wonder what it was for. I don't think she worked there. Ooh. She might have just been harvesting kidneys, wake up in a bath of ice, eh?

Oh my word, yeah. What films did they do that in? Oh, loads of them. What's the good one? I mean... Tom Cruise. And he ends up in... Is it Minority Report?

Oh my God, no. Like, no. You get... up in is it Minority Report? Oh my god no like no you get What film is it? What? Name me one of your favourite sci-fi films ever. Minority Report Yeah and how can you not remember he gets what's called a shine job he gets his eyes changed

because of the retinal scanner No it's not no No that's not what I was talking about we were talking about when people get their kidneys stolen well and waking up with a bath of ice right well he woke up

he didn't have his kidneys stolen but he had his retinas taken out he booked it himself he needed it to get back into the main bit it's the whole what the fuck you love that film

I do no one stole his eyes oh my god You love that film. I did. No one stole his eyes. Oh my God. You can't remember anything. How do you remember how to feed your kids? Because you can't remember fuck all else. Maybe you should stop remembering shitty films and start remembering important and stuff.

Never. Eh? Never. Important and stuff. Never. Oh, hey. I do love that film. I'd watch that again, actually.

Yeah, you fucking have to, but there's so many things you don't know what the Christ is about. Ey up, me hearties thank you for listening to this week's episode of the show what the fuck was that I'm trying to change

the end a little bit because I just say the same thing every week don't A up me hearties well A up is like Yorkshire and me hearties is is like

pirate chat so what are you doing why are you mixing Yorkshire and pirates A up me hearties why is that happening well why not why can't I that's going to be my new thing I'm going to put two dialects So what are you doing? Why are you mixing Yorkshire and pirates? Me hearties. Why is that happening? Why not? Why can't I?

That's going to be my new thing. I'm going to put two dialects into goodbye. Thank you so much for listening. I will look forward to you running out after week three. Well, I was going to do another one, but I'll save it for next week. Thank you so much for listening. Come back next week. We love you so much.

Are we part of any kind of network? The Acast Creator Network. Great. Thanks for remembering. Thank you for gearing that up for me. Guys, I am on tour. come back next week we love you so much are we part of any kind of network the Acast creator network great thanks for remembering thank you for gearing that up for me guys I am on tour got some tickets

available just in a few gigs most are sold out Clackton on Sea 21st of October the sun left Newcastle Arena 30th of October

some tickets have just been released that was sold out Doncaster Dome 31st of October Manchester Salford Lowry 4th of November.

They're the only ones that have got tickets at the moment. On the wall. Stop it. Oh my God. Thankfully I'm there on my own. It's not to him with this skunk. Bye. Bye.

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