Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 139. Baby name betrayal

Episode Date: October 22, 2021

Chris and Rosie had a date night and they're very hungover. Rosie's got some parenting dilemmas. There's door bell beef and some baby name betrayal.   Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, chickadees and chickadeants. You're listening to Shagmaranianoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey. That was chickadees and chickadeants. Chickadees and chickadeants. You're listening to Shagmarian Denied with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey. That was chickadees and chickadeants. Chickadees and chickadeants. You never tell us what these things are going to be

and I'm always just flabbergasted. Chickadeant. Which one's a chickadee? What's a chickadee? I don't know. What's a chickadeant? Well, just because I was thinking about it in the bath because up north, for do and don't, we say dee and deant.

So I thought chickadee and chickadeant. Right, do and don't, right. I don't daint. So I thought chickadee and chickadee and don't. Right, do and don't. Right. I don't know. I'm tenuous and painful. You're hungover, aren't you? I am so hungover. You might as well tell everyone.

Yeah, you've got a raspy voice. Have I? Yeah, you sound like you've been smoking. Just drank so much wine. I do blame you, though. Me? Because we went to the theatre last night. We did.

We had a little date night, didn't we? We did. Which was lovely. We haven't done that for a while. You just kept bringing us wine. Yeah? Mm-hmm. Well, that's my job. It's a little date night, didn't we? We did. Which was lovely. We haven't done that for a while. You just kept bringing his wine. Yeah. That's my job. It's not my fault

if you can't handle your wine. And I had mussels for tea and mussels are delicious but they're not very filling, Chris. No. I don't think I ate enough. Well, a couple of times you burped during the show

and I had to lean in and go, stop fucking burping. I literally feel like I've just fallen into a fucking rock pool. Did I stink? It smells that bad. Yeah, it's disgusting.

And I spilled some of my wine on the woman next door. Yeah Did I stink? It smells that bad. Yeah, it's disgusting. And I spilled some of my wine on the woman next door. Yeah, you spilled the wine all over you. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sorry, Mrs. She didn't look at me. It went on her foot. She had open-toed sandals on.

I mean, in October. A bit ridiculous. But I've ruined me boots. Never take the Ramsey to the theatre. I'll have to wash me coat. Yeah. Oh, man. They were like a soft leather boot as well and you spilt white wine all over the side.

I haven't looked at them yet. Yeah. But I think they're knackered. Right. Great. I really like them. Well, that's good. There'll be a little leather cleaner.

You can get them, sure. Oh, no. I can't be arsed to do stuff like that. That's ridiculous. Go on YouTube and be like, you know, someone tell you how to, you know, be like a Mrs. Hinge for shoes and they'll tell you how to clean it out.

Fair enough. So there you go. Oh, but I had a good time. I did have a good time but i uh honestly yeah i'm rough today you are you're sitting in a court which is weird just sitting doing the podcast in a court guys i don't know about you everyone listening but when i'm hungover i'm really fucking hot no i'm freezing it's really strange she's like got her arms folded in a little jacket you look like you're like you're out on your on your tab break from work you're standing there yeah you're just throwing the nearest thing on

and you're standing outside smoking a tab and you're about to go back in and finish your work. I get really cold and needy when I'm hungover. Oh, God. And then I've got to go get my hair done because I'm stupid, I'm blonde and it's high maintenance and I'm sick of me like... You're not blonde, that's the problem.

You've gone blonde but you're not blonde. Guess what I pass on the way to the hairdresser's? What? The golden arches of heaven No you don't Which fucking way do you drive They're not on the way To our hairdressers at all You liar

Oh it's not I'll detour I'll detour Alright okay So you don't pass them all You're just going to go And get a McDonald's Yeah

Would you like one Brilliant No thank you For tea No thank you For tea We're having McDonald's Eh

I beg your pardon A McDonald's for tea What do you mean tea we're having eh I beg your pardon I'm McDonald's for tea what do you mean put some effort in will you I want something good how dare you

there'll be no cooking today Ramsey oh god right now you want a bit of vom in there oh hey man goodness me

guys thank you so much for listening even if we both sound raspy and awful it's still lovely to be here

back in your ears it's episode 139. Without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Absolutely make no money. Waste of time. This week's... Waste of my time, waste of your time. Waste of everybody's fucking time. You always do this by racking your B on board with it like you always are.

Okay. This week's sponsor is leather phone cases with all of your credit cards in them. Oh, ridiculous. Hey hey flappy flap flap flap flap flap take a selfie oh flap oh flap

oh it's flapped on the front camera oh it's flapped on the back camera whoa it's like the 2021 version of a fucking

file of facts stop doing it you look ridiculous yeah like you know for a fact people who've got them on have still got all their clicker noises

yeah my dad's got one yeah you know when they're texting it's because you know what Rosie you know when they're texting it's click, click, click, click, click, click,

click, click, click, click. Because you know what, Rosie, you know when I lose my phone,

I like to lose all of my other things at the same time. Yeah, I like to lose all my ID, all my credit

cards, everything, old receipts, I like to lose all of it when I lose my phone. Do you think the phone wipes

off the card? No, I think there's special things where it's in the way but you can put all your credit cards on your phone now anyway on the Apple Pay thing, I think there's special things where it's in the way. But you can put all your credit cards on your phone now anyway, on the Apple Pay thing, on the wallet. That is true.

So what the fuck is everyone doing? Do you know my Fitbit's just told me to move? Right. The cheek of it. I didn't know they did that. What's it say? It's got a red, what's it say? Reminder.

Oh, it's gone off. Reminder to move. 12 left. 12 what? 12 moves.. 12 left. 12 what? 12 moves. 12 star jumps. 12 moves. I'm not doing a fucking...

You can piss off. That's intrusive, isn't it? Who gets up, hung over, and puts their fucking Fitbit on? Do you want to know how many steps I've done today? How many? 238. It's 10 to 11. 238.

That's shocking, isn't it? Does it count depressed shuffles? No. Because I think you've been doing depressed shuffles. Well, the reason why I've got my coat on is because I couldn't be asked to walk up the next flight of stairs to get a jumper. Jesus.

And the coat was... Why have you put it on all over? What an idiot. I don't know. Let's check my heart rate. Oh, God. I think you're dead. I'm dead.

I think you're dead. Fantastic dead yeah I think you're dead fantastic 100 beats per minute 60 resting 60 is that good Rosie I don't know if it's good or not

but it's terrible fucking podcast I'm sorry I'll tell you that right now tune in next week and Rosie will read what it says on the fucking scales what's that O2

O2 that'll be oxygen in your blood how does it know the oxygen in my blood oh god I don't know and more importantly I don't fucking care no well I do I find it quite intrusive I don't know if I probably. How does it know the oxygen in my blood? Oh God, I don't know. And more importantly, I don't fucking care. No, well I do. I find it quite intrusive.

I don't know if I'm going to wear it all the time. Right. Telling me to move. Why are you complaining? You've put it on. You can take it off. What do you mean you find it? Just take it off and put it on the table.

I know, but I want to know how many steps I do. I did a lot yesterday. No, you're fucking sitting down. All right. Yesterday I did like 8,000 steps and I didn't really go anywhere. Judging by the start you've got off to today, I didn't really go anywhere judging by the start you've got off to today I don't think you're

going to beat that fucking record you lazy cow take it off and fucking stop whinging will you good god oh my god

you should wear one that says cheer you fucking bracket up oh I'm so right Christ now like this play this jingle now you miserable

shit bag I'm not miserable I'm hungover I'll cheer up in the next bit great there'll be people listening to this at 7 o'clock in. I'm hungover. I'll cheer up in the next bit. Great. There'll be people listening at 7 o'clock in the morning,

won't there? Remind her to cheer up. Okay. Might be people hungover. Here, if you're listening hungover, fair play to you. I feel your pain. Big love.

Here's the jingle. Here's the jingle. That'll cheer you right up. Go on, man. Get it up, yeah. Oh, that's what she said. God. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle.

We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle So this is the jingle, jingle We hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo babadoo babadoo ba Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode Oh, I can't do it, I can't do it You couldn't even finish that You were smiling while you were talking there but you didn't do it No, I'm alright, listen, come, I can't do it. Yeah, you couldn't even finish that.

You were smiling while you were talking there, but you didn't do it. No, I'm all right. Listen, come on. Let's do it. Let's do this. I've got some good questions this week anyway. Good. They're always good questions.

Let's look forward to it. As always, guys, if you want to get in touch, shagmarinoid at gmail.com. Keep sending stuff in. What's it doing now? She keeps looking at her face. Oh, it's just vibrated. So hang on. What's it saying now?

Goal complete? I didn't do anything. 250 out of 250. Is it broke? I didn't do anything 250 out of 250 is it broke I haven't moved I was I've been sat here well you flailed your arms a

bit or maybe maybe that maybe that little bit of pretending to be not hung over you did for half a sentence was so much effort your

body has told the Fitbit that you've just done a fucking marathon yeah maybe it's like she's she's overheating it's so weird I don't even know how Fitbit that you've just done a fucking marathon. Yeah, maybe. It's like she's overheating. It's so weird. I don't even know how it knows that you're moving. Anyway, complicated.

Great. But it's good. I do like this. You're so terrified. Thank you. Are you going for a fever? I know I got it and you're just sitting slagging off. You're so terrified of technology.

It's pathetic. We've talked about this before. Remember when you gave us that toothbrush because I asked you the language? It's ridiculous. Yeah, I just don't think it should know that much about you. I'm really paranoid about my phone at the minute. I'm really paranoid. I don't like saying anything.

Yeah. Or laptops or anything. Say anything in front of me. I just, it freaks me out. I've got a bit of my show about it. Have you? My stand-up show that I'm currently touring, that one day you'll come and see.

Next week? You're at the arena? Such a supportive wife. I'll come and see you. Newcastle Arena next week, last few tickets available. Also Salford Lowry in Manchester, a few tickets available the week after

I'm just saying normally you've got to read them all out and say there's tickets for the year I've literally got about two ones left that aren't sold out

and Newcastle Arena obviously it's an arena there's always going to be a handful of seats but Salford Lowry get on it Manchester right so there we go

do you want to know what happened last week do I want to know what happened last week always so I stayed at my mum's in South Shields because I miss at my mum's In South Shields Because I miss South Shields

Yeah Big up South Shields We love you Love you Stayed at my mum's She lovingly slept on the set A Which was nice of her Oh

I slept in the bed with Robin And then Rafe was in a little travel cot Right Rafe's on this special medication Because we think he's got an allergy Well he has got an allergy We've worked it out Because when he takes this medication,

he doesn't have the symptoms anymore. So he has. We just need to find out what it is. So I slept in my mum's room with the kids and the medication

makes Rafe poo in the middle of the night which is not nice. Yeah, he's back to pooing in the middle of the night. That's right. So he had a poo in the middle of the night.

I haven't told you this, right? So I was so tired. He had a poo. I changed his the night. I haven't told you this, right? So I was so tired. You had a poo. I changed his nappy. But then my mum was asleep because she's got a flat. So she was asleep in the bit that you have to walk through to get to the kitchen, to get to the bin. The thoroughfare. The thoroughfare.

Right. Your mum was asleep in a corridor. Basic. No, like the set. So it's an open plan. So you'd have to go. I didn't want to wake her up. Your mum was asleep in a corridor on the way to the have to go i didn't want to wait i didn't want to wake her up i was asleep in a corridor on the way it'll be like a student yeah okay i didn't want to wake her up so i did that thing of like i was like it'll be fine so

i changed his moment i just kind of left the pooey nappy on the floor you are joking i'm not but i had to move it because it stunk the whole room out but you know when you're so tired i was like i can sleep through this it doesn't smell that bad it was awful so then oh so then i had to move the nappy and do you know i had to put it where at the front door oh shut up you opened the front door no i didn't open the front door i just left it at the front door because it's quite a long corridor you left it at the front door so it looked like in the morning it looked like someone posted a shitty nappy through your mouth yeah yeah actually but I'd moved it. Wow.

Yeah. Why didn't you just put it on the floor and put a big mixing bowl over the top of it? Where? Anywhere. Just put something over the top of it. I didn't want to walk through the kitchen. Oh, right. That was the whole thing.

Oh, right. Okay. Okay. Oh, God. Do you have any of them little bags? No, I didn't. You know the little bags that are supposed to keep the smell out, but they still fucking stink? Yeah.

I didn't have any. A bin full of baby nappies is one of the worst smells in the world. Yeah, they're absolutely gross, aren't they? What about when you have a rogue one in your normal waste bin and you forget? Yeah, but them nappy bins,

you know them nappy bins? Has anyone ever used them out there where you push it through, you punch it through the thing and then you twist it around? I think they're good. Yeah, but then when you take them out, I've been up at the bin before to take them out

and put them in the big bin. And it's like a fucking big long line of sausages. It is a bit gross. You know when sausages are connected, it's like little shitty pouches of sausages. Oh my God. Pooh necklace. Oh, disgusting.

But do you know what really pissed us off though about that? It was just, I do this all the time with the kids and it's when you have a baby that you notice it more. I spend most of my time deciding what to do. Yeah. And it fucks us off because I spent like a good 40 minutes

thinking, should I move that? No. Should I move it? You can lay there all night thinking about a nappy. Well, I know, but then I was like,

why didn't you just move it in the first place and then you would have had extra sleep? I was like awake going, what should I do? And I do that all the time

with Rafe. Yeah. No, I do. I question myself constantly and I'm always like, should I do this? What's best? What's the best thing to do? And then I'm like, the time with Rave. Yeah. No, I do. I question myself constantly and I'm always like, should I do this? What's best? What's the best thing to do?

And then I'm like, well, you've wasted a lot of time. I can just say it and make you feel better. I'm sure all the parents out there can agree, especially mothers. If in doubt, you're very rarely sure

that you're doing the right thing. It's the problem of being a parent. If in doubt, put the shitty nappy in the fucking bin, you horrible dirty pig. Right. Would be my rule of thumb

to go by but what I didn't want to wake my mum up fuck her walk past and go and put it in the bin sorry ma'am we've got a shitty nappy

do you want us to leave it somewhere in your house do you want us to leave it at your front door to stink your entire thing out so when visitors come you think you just shit yourself and answer the door

not because I moved it in the morning so it didn't smell I've smelt them nappies they linger it'll be in the fucking wallpaper and everything now she'll need a fumigation going on so this whole chat that we've just had here it in the morning so it didn't smell. I've smelt them now because they linger. It'll be in the fucking wallpaper and everything now.

She'll need a fumigation going on. So this whole chat that we've just had here reminds me of something that I never showed you. Why? So comedian Jason Cooke, I was doing a gig with him

a little while ago and he showed us this and then he put it on the big screen and he told the crowd about it, right? Right. Now, the headline is

Cleaners horrified at Hebburn. Now, Hebburn's a place up where we live. I was in a TV show about it. Cleanersrified at Hebburn. Now, Hebburn's a place up where we live. I was in a TV show about it. Cleaners Horrified at Hebburn House, where tenant left thousands of urine-filled beer cans. Right. Rosie. Where are the left?

There's the photo. Oh, my word. So, guys, I'm showing Rosie now on my phone. I know it's a podcast, but I'm showing her a photo of, you know when you've got a few empty calling cans on a bench or whatever after a party? Imagine every single surface in multiple rooms, floor, everything covered. All of them are full of piss. They're all full of weed? All of them are full of piss.

That's gross. The tenant left and the cleaners came in and he left them all like that. Why? I don't know. Something to do with apparently the toilet didn't work was something in the story. toilet didn't work and he left them all there that's pretty filled up awful cans of pit and just left them there's it's like it's like some kind of damien hirst art installation you're gonna have to put that on twitter or something i'll put that on instagram i'll put it on the day this podcast don't put on instagram instagram's quite nice I don't want that on there come on

just scrolling through you can't be filtering that there's a four over flower there's some latte format there's me friend's baby there's a thousand piss filled cans of Carlin oh you've got a CD player

he's got a really retro CD player it's one of them yeah it's one of them sort of ones can you remember the ones that came in sections

the CD players where the bottom would be like a tape deck the ones that came in sections, the CD players, where the bottom would be like a tape deck, the next one would be a CD, the top would be like either a record player or your radio. I haven't seen one of them for donkeys. I used to love mine, you know. Did you?

Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's what you've took from that. I showed you thousands and thousands of piss-filled beer cans and you've took, oh, I love my CD player.

Brilliant. That's awful. Yeah. So there you go. Thought it was going to be worse though to be fair have you seen the ones with all the tea bags

on the sink yes the massive big pile of them yes someone sent us that as well incredible huge pile of them what are you doing you've just found some sanitiser in your pocket

and you're putting sanitiser on what are you doing I don't know we're doing a podcast why are you putting sanitiser on I've been brainwashed guys she just she went into our pocket

and she found sanitiser and just put it on I've got quite a lot what else have I got look at oh my god this is the worst I've got one pound

and a penny one pound two fifty pences and a penny anything else I've got that sanitiser because we went to the fair the other day

Robin is obsessed with the two pence machines oh Jesus he's obsessed he doesn't get it like we couldn't leave until he'd spent all of his two pences

and then obviously I had to sanitise the shit out of the hands. Yeah. Because, you know, pennies and it's rank, isn't it? Yeah, yeah. There's nothing worse than the smell of your hands when you smell pennies. As if some stuff still got rules to COVID, but the two-pence machines are all on.

The world's backwards. It's the lack of sort of uniformity. The lack of, what's the word I'm looking for? Common sense? Yeah, but there's no like across the board it's all over the place some places are like wear a welder's mask stay nine meters apart don't look at someone or you'll kill them and other places are like now it's common place to lick each other's faces when we come in so do your face lick and sit down and it's there's

no fucking rule across the board you just gotta you just gotta go in and just hope for the best sick of it I've got another parenting dilemma currently haven't we all yeah well mine is

Rafe's crawling now which is great he's doing very well he is doing very well he's bashed his head so many times like oh my god can you remember

when Robin did it in the old house so we had I don't know if we've talked about it here we had I think they call them a nest of tables do you know where it's the little table that slides under I don't know if we've talked about it here we had I think they call them a nest of tables

do you know where it's the little table that slides under the slightly bigger one and there's a slightly bigger one I love a nest of tables I love a nest of tables I know they're really old school

but they're so practical Rosie it's the Swiss Army table it is it's great I need a little table for me cuppa or I'll get it

from under me nest hold on hold on I've got cuppa and a plate of biscuits bigger table please yes yeah yeah yeah hold on I've got cuppa and plate of biscuits. Bigger table, please. Yes, yeah, yeah, yeah. Hold on, I've got cuppa, plate of biscuits, plate of crisps, glass of wine.

Bigger table, thanks. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But the big table's got the lamp on, so you can't move that. Whoa, whoa, whoa. The big, the main, the daddy. You've put a lamp on the largest nest of tables? Mm-hmm. I didn't okay this.

Well, you've got to. That's the thing. I didn't sign off on this. No. But that's what you do. Well, then there's not even a nest of tables anymore. There's two more. There's just of tables. I didn't okay this. Well, you got to. That's the thing. I didn't sign off on this. But that's what you do. Well, then there's not even a nest of tables anymore. There's two more. It's just two tables.

Two more? Well, it's not even a nest anymore. It's just two tables. Oh, for God's sake. What the hell? This is terrible. Why have you done this? It was a rookie mistake.

It's just two tables now. Oh, fucking hell. I wonder why it's called a nest of tables. I don't know. We've probably even said the wrong thing. Is it because nests is twigs? Like loads of twigs?

I doubt it very much. I think it's just because they're all nestled together. I don't know. Okay, nestled. It's nothing to do with wood. Otherwise... What the hell? How hungover are you?

Honestly, I don't think I'm here. I don't feel like I'm here. Do you feel like you're dreaming? I feel like this is a dream. You thought it was nest because of twigs, because of wood. Well, I don't feel like you're dreaming I feel like this is a dream you thought it was a nest because of twigs because of wood well then wouldn't

everything would not be called something to do with a nest isn't that like because you normally got three little baby the classic thing is three baby birds

in a nest all mouths open it's three tables nest of tables oh hey anyway do you know what I bored myself how are we

what's your parent oh so my parent oh no I didn't even finish the nest of tables thing so Robin it was when Robin was little he was crawling I watched him didn't even finish the nest of tables thing. So Robin, it was when Robin was little, he was crawling. I watched him and he grabbed onto the nest of tables as if they were,

and he pulled them and they buried him on the head. And can you not remember? I ran upstairs in the old house and I was like, he's banged. And he had the biggest fucking egg on the front of his head ever. Literally, it was like an inch off his head. I was devastated. Well, Rafe's worse than that. Rafe just keeps like holding on to something and then tries to get up,

but then pushes the thing out of his way and then just falls on his face. Well anyway, my dilemma at the minute is I don't know whether to leave him or take him. What do you mean? So if I leave the room to go for a wee, he can move now so I'm like,

do I run and wee really quickly and just hope for the best? If I put him somewhere safe, I go right, he's safe there. He's fine. He's on the sponge thing. He's got that toy. He can't choke on anything. Right, I can run and be three seconds.

Right. Or do I just take him with us? And that's another thing that I spend a lot of time on. So I stand there going, what should I do? Should I take him with us or should I leave him? Before you know it, you pissed yourself. Exactly. Exactly.

Well, this is where one of your beefs with me was that I hold our son while I go for a wee. That's vile. Jealous now? Well, I mean, I've done it in the past. I'll probably have to start doing it again. I hold him all the time when I'm having a wee. He comes for a wee with me every morning.

In the morning, we'll go downstairs. First thing we do is we'll go down to the downstairs loo. I sit him on the floor and I have a wee and we'll just kind of look at each other and he smiles and he's like, all right. And I'm like, hiya. Morningya mornings mommy's having a wee wee weird but it's really quite nice I've got it's every morning and he's still in his sleeping bag so he just kind of sat up in his little sleeping bag like hiya ma'am and I'm like all right son

I'll get your bottle in a minute but mommy's gotta have a gotta empty herself I've gotta have a little wee first then I've gotta go to the front door and move all the nappies I've been keeping there because I'm a minger. He does enjoy that. I can tell in his face. He's like, this is our routine. We've got a routine going on. Then Robin comes down,

and then I can't leave Rafe with Robin because he's just too annoyed. You don't know what I'm going to do. So I do end up taking him with us everywhere. Poor kid. We are lucky how much we love each other, that'd be fair, because I did see a video the other day of someone showing a newborn baby to a toddler and the toddler just fucking punched the baby as hard as they could

the maddest video by the way on reels I think it's a TikTok thing on reels on Instagram can we all stop using the thing that does this voice fucking doing my nut in. How do people do that? Is it some kind of thing?

I think it's TikTok. I think you can just say something. That person? That is TikTok? No, no, I don't think that is the Mrs. TikTok. No, no. I think it's... Show your partner your... Oh my God!

So fucking annoying. It's unsettling. Show me that you're a mother without telling me... Oh, God. I think it's just a voice that's put on. Right, everyone, I've requested it.

Stop it. That's my request. But yeah, it was like, showing our new baby to our current daughter. And the show was like, da-da-da. And the kid just went,

bang, fuck off. Wow. Just like, twat at this baby. So we're lucky. We are lucky that like each other. He does, yeah, yeah. The only time Robin will help me to our current daughter and the show was like da da da and the kid just went bang fuck off and just like twatted this baby so we're lucky we are lucky that like each other he does yeah

the only time Robin will help me is because he plays with them too rough and loves them too much it is suffocating yeah

I know the feeling what do you think I suffocate you with love just back off just back off you wish that I suffocated you with love

you really do wish that personal space I think every birthday when you blow out them candles you're like please let her suffocate you with love. You really do wish that. Personal space. I think every birthday when you blow out them candles you're like, please let her suffocate me with love. Sorry.

In what world have you ever got me candles for my birthday? We all know for the past two years I've had to go and buy my own cake so you can fucking rewind right away on that bullshit. Oh boo.

Boo hoo. See? Look at it. You've gone back on your bullshit straight away. You've never got me birthday candles. Are you looking forward to Robin's party next week?

Yes. His little party with all his little friends from school. Yes, I've sorted out his cake and everything so. You've never got me birthday candles. Are you looking forward to Robin's party next week? Yes. His little party with all his little friends from school. Yes, I've sorted out his cake and everything. So yeah, it's going to be great. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. What is your beef?

What is my beef? I'll tell you exactly what my beef is. Do you want us to jump straight in? Yep, go on. Do you want us to jump straight in? Yeah. My beef with you. Don't hurt yourself on the bottom of the pool.

My beef with you this week, you started doing it a lot, and I'm really sick of it. Every time now that I come home from being on tour, and I open our bin, and I go to throw something in the bin, the bin bag is still in there, but it's tied up.

It's the worst fucking crack ever. If you are tying up that bin bag a couple of things if you're tying up the bin bag remove the bin bag and go and put it in the bin outside right no no okay yeah and if you are removing the bin bag part of the job of removing the bin bag is putting a new bin bag in the bin right you literally i go and i'll throw i'll go to throw something in the bin like a tea bag or whatever and i press the paddle and I throw it and it just hits the top of a tied up bag. And I've got nowhere to put the rubbish. Okay, okay.

Pack it in. No, I'm on my own. I can't leave the kids to take the bin outside. Put it at the door with all the nappies. Put it somewhere. Don't tie it and leave it in the bin. Put it next to the bin. But then it'll smell if it's out anyway.

Just leave it there. The bins are your job, Ramsey. Not when I'm... The bins are not my job. I do everything else. Not when I'm not here. I'm not doing the fucking bins as Ramsey not when I'm the bins are not my job I do everything else not when I'm not here I'm not doing the fucking bins as well

not when I'm not here I can't do them I physically can't do them when I'm not here well allow me to have another partner right for when you're not here

so that I don't have to do the bins is it weird that I'm considering it so the house would be you know not falling apart when I get back the house is not falling apart

is it weird that I'm considering that thank you very much I can't leave the kids and then I can't when they're in bed i can't go and take the bin out outside because then no but then i feel like a murderer is and at my house when i've gone outside the door behind you no i'll still think they're there i can't it's it's something that's in my brain right if i leave the house and the kids are in bed asleep if i step out of that door back off front that somebody's going to come in.

I've got a solution for you. What? Have the app that I've got that tells you when anyone goes anywhere near the front door. Oh, God, no. Why would I want that? Brilliant. Because you're so scared of technology,

you won't even have the app that will solve the problem that you've just put forward. It pings all the time. It's infuriating, Chris. You've got it on your phone. Sorry, listeners, but this is another beef of mine.

He's got the app on his phone every time someone comes to the app on his phone. Every time someone comes to the door. So when you're leaving the house, right, if Chris has got his phone in his pocket, all you hear is... It does tell us when I'm at my own door. And you're like, oh, I forgot my code. I've got to go.

I'm just going to quickly get right to the race bottle. And I'm like, oh, my God! Can I enter my house without this fucking little bell going off you can't and no one can that's the point right that's the point how am i ever gonna have an affair with you watching over me like this can't eat somewhere else right leave and then come back later i can't leave the kids because he has to come here you know what I do love doing because we've got the cameras

all over the place and it tells us when anyone's literally anywhere in the other house it's great it's like being I don't know it's like being

the boss in a computer game do you know what I mean I know when they're attacking I do like when I get the ping on the door I do like run into the door really quickly before the person actually knocks

and then they go like oh god and I go yeah oh that's awful I do I like surprising people I go I didn't even And I go, yeah. Oh, that's awful. I do. I like surprising people. I go, I didn't even knock. I go, I know you didn't.

I know you didn't. I got a ping. I got a ping. I've got pressure pads on the drive. I've got cameras everywhere. I really hate that ping. What can you do? Nothing.

Have I done my beef yet? Yeah. Should we move on? Yeah. I'll save me one I was meant to do for next week. All right. Really? I can't remember what it was.

Really? You're not even going to do a beef? No, I can't be arsed. Wow. You're bringing down my already quite negative vibe. I'm hungover to shit. I can't be positive, so I don't want to fight. Guys, this is a first. Guys.

What? Shit doesn't fight back when you're just hungover. I've got a golden ticket. I actually can't be bothered. All I'm thinking about is getting a McDonald's. All I need to do now is start an argument on a day that you're hungover. I've got a golden ticket. I actually can't be bothered. All I'm thinking about is getting a McDonald's. All I need to do now is start an argument on a day that you're hungover and I'll always win the argument. I'm not this hungover very often.

I can't lose. I'm quite good at drinking. I'll bring you more wine. I'm a regular drinker, so I just have like a glass a night. But last night I had about seven glasses in one night. That's why I feel like this. Got you. Got you.

There we go. Not in a good way. You know, I want to say you look fine. Do I? Nah. I'm worried about my hairdresser. He's going to be like, you stink.

Yeah, and there's alcohol as well today. I know. Eh? Hmm? What? What? What did you say?

He's thinking of alcohol as well today. I know, do I? Garlic alcohol all the lot. All of the, all of the repellers. The joke was that you stink all the time, but you're so fucking, you didn't even get it.

Why do I bother? Why do I bother? Wasted round here. I know, sorry. It's time for questions from the public. The Qs from the Pews. Questions from the public. Public.

Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, it is shaggedmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. And remember, some of them get used on the podcast and some of them also being used for the live shows as well the tour starts up again at the end of this month at

Manchester which sold out and then we've got the O2 and then we've got all of the arenas all over the UK still some tickets available shag

married annoyed.com get them through there come and see us what's really good I don't have mentioned this is the fact that the full second section of the show

is different every night but also off the cuff which is me it's one of me I don't know if I've mentioned this, is the fact that the full second section of the show is different every night but also off the cuff, which is me, it's one of me funnest bits. Yeah. I enjoy the second half of our show more than I enjoy doing my stand-up show.

I'll tell you that right now. I know what you said. I'll tell you that right now. I don't think people believe that it's different every night. They don't. Whenever we tell people, they're like,

yeah, I'm like, no, it genuinely is. Genuinely is. Well, you know, they'll see.

Or will they? Will or not, but they don't believe me. I do that, so I've got stories, in my stand-up show, i've got stories that i had to fight not to put on this podcast because i was like when we thought comedy was never going to happen again stand-up wasn't going to happen so there's so many stories that have happened in our lives that i had for me stand-up i'd earmarked them and then we nearly told them on this during the whole pandemic

but then i have to say during the show during my stand-up i have to go look these are this what i'm about to tell you happened word for word but the more you say this is true the more they think ah you're fucking lying but they did and it's just

it's really difficult to stand there and say please believe us I promise it's all true I promise I'm not a liar

I'm a truth teller so it's all good I am a truth teller right hi Chris and Rosie hi I was listening to you guys chat about how Rosie's dad tells the story of how he was walking at eight months and pissing myself at your response. Fuck off.

Well, my husband's mum insists that he too was walking at eight months. Better still, she says at one year old, he opened the front door, walked down the street in the local bakery, took an uncut loaf of bread from the shelf and started eating it all on his own and she didn't know for a while

that he had gone fuck right off she's the worst parent ever it's his I mean she's my mother-in-law so naturally I laughed along but inside

I was screaming the F-bomb right at her wow and then eight months he walked down the street and he got a loaf of bread and he started eating it

uncut loaf as well uncut loaf I like that I like that extra bit of extraneous detail there uncut loaf I like that I'm sorry but

that one bullshit two horrific pimp three a little bit jealous that you live right next to a baker oh the smells

oh I'd love to live next to a bakery imagine so that oh i'd love to live next to a bakery imagine so that's me that's reminding me of two little things i want to just tell you here so friend of mine um is a coach for ufc fighters right yeah um but when he was a fighter himself he told me that when he was eating clean right if he was eating clean and like you know trying to cut weight for a fight it's crazy what they put themselves through like they just you know they eat nothing

they eat you know calorie zero calorie stuff I had my rice cake and my fish yeah and the fish and the rice cake they eat nothing

it's crazy right he used to he told me that he used to walk through the bakery section in Morrison's and just stand there sniffing

I've done that on a diet before yeah but like we did like training together and he was late and he was just like oh yeah just sorry I sniffing I've done that on a diet before yeah but like we did like training together and he was late and he was just like oh yeah just sorry I'm late I just went and

stood in the bakery in Morrison's I just lost track of time and I was like just fucking stood there sniffing that's sad

because it would like give him the hit he needed then he'd leave that's that would make it worse for me do you know what it is

I'm all for like you've sometimes I've got to reel myself in because I could eat just everything all the time so I do sometimes have to go rosy it works for me do you know what it is I'm all for like I've got to reel myself in because I could eat just everything

all the time so I do sometimes have to go Rosie no you're not hungry you're bored don't do

or you're thirsty do you know what I mean but that's do you ever sometimes get the littlest table of the nest of tables out to dissuade yourself from putting loads of stuff on it

yeah snacks and that tiny one can't fit on the table yeah but that's really torturing yourself, I find. Well, he was doing a fighting. He was doing it to make weight for his job,

which is fair enough. But yeah, the other thing, whenever someone says uncut loaf, have I ever told you about what my dad used to get whenever he went swimming when he was a kid? Is this the chip butty? Yeah. I don't know. You might have. You've told me before. What he used to get, and I've never done it

in my life and I've always wanted to do it sounds unreal there was a baker's next door to a chip shop apparently in Whitburn near Sunderland

and he used to go was it in Sunderland anyway and he used to go and get just outside Sunderland and he would get a loaf of bread

uncut loaf of white bread from the bakers rip the top off eat that bit hollow out the inside eat all of the top off, eat that bit, hollow out the inside, eat all of the white. Eat the bread?

Yeah, just hollow out all of the inside. Eat all that dry white bread. Next door, chip shop, instead of getting it in the paper, he would just go fill that up

and he would give them a fucking hollowed out bread, loaf of bread and they would just fill it with chips, loads of salt, loads of vinegar and he would just eat that.

Do you know what would make that even better what gravy gravy alcoholic sauce maybe oh my word or curry sauce

imagine the fucking mess oh yeah I don't want them I want chips I want a chip buddy I need something I need something like that oh I'm gonna die

at the hairdressers right okay I'm actually gonna die I'll pass out great I will pass our hairdresser's got our hairdresser's got

a lovely afternoon in front of him because he is going to have'll pass out great I will pass our hairdresser's got our hairdresser's got a lovely afternoon in front of him because he is going to have you sitting there stinking of having chippy garlic gravy sweats so that's going to be nice

great good for him yeah if you burped in the fucking show or anything last night at Go Bar you might as well you might as well

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Hi, Rosie and Chris. You guys will definitely appreciate this. Isn't it weird that your nipples are older than your teeth? Sorry? I said, isn't it weird that your nipples are older than your teeth sorry said isn't it weird that your nipples are older than your teeth how is this wow don't you tell us they are explain yourself well it just said isn't it weird but they are because i read that and i was like that is weird because your nipples have been on your body longer than your teeth because your teeth change yeah but they're there no but your

baby teeth have gone so the baby tooth that you had from being a baby is gone. So it's your adult tooth. So your nipples are older than your teeth. Are you stoned? Is this... This is horrible.

I feel like I've walked into a student dorm and everyone's sitting. Puff, puff, puff. How come my towel's dry? They get wetter shut up you boring fucking wankers your nipples aren't older than your teeth

that is the stupidest thing I've ever heard they're not because have you ever seen an x-ray of a baby's skull the adult teeth are inside your skull well Claudia you stupid twat excuse me you read it and read it on the podcast there they are side of your skull. Oh, well, Claudia, you stupid twat, you wrote in. Excuse me? You read it

and read it on the podcast. You went, oh, there they are. I don't know. I thought it was quite interesting. It's not interesting. It's stupid.

All right, man. All right, okay. If you've seen the x-ray of a baby skull, by the way, it is one of the most terrifying things in the world. It looks like the fucking clown from bloody It.

Yeah, all your adult teeth are in the head. They're in the head there. I'm absolutely ready for Rafe's fontanelle to close over as well. Freaking me out. That's disgusting. I still hate it. I thought it would close the idea. I was like, oh, it's not there.

Oh, it's still there. It's still there. It's like a little flesh trampoline. It's when you go and say hello to him or whatever. If he's sat in his high chair and he's done that, I'm like, oh, right now, that's what he said. I'm going to... I think we've talked about it as well,. It's when you go and say hello to him or whatever. If he's sat in his high chair and he's done, I'm like, all right, now it's through his head. I'm going... I think we've talked about it as well, but it's when they're dehydrated

and you can see the heartbeat through it. Yeah, and the pulses. On holiday, it was like... It's like a fucking fish. Oh, God, no. Horrible. Horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible, horrible. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo.

Dear Chris and Rosie, when my cousin was dating her ex, they came up with baby names for their imaginary future children. This was after about a year. So she wasn't pregnant? No, no. I think just sometimes when you're in relationships you talk about what you would do and what

you would name your kids and that. After a few disagreements, the one name that they both agreed on was Lincoln. Okay. They both loved it and talked about the name often. So they chose a name for their unborn child. Weird, but okay but yeah i know it's yeah it's nice that they're planning the future together but how often did

they talk about is my question it's i mean it sounds like a lot it sounds like yeah i wonder what lincoln will think of this well listen to this okay they broke up around a year later and then a few years passed without them speaking who Who got custody of your imaginary child? Well, listen. One day on Facebook, my cousin's ex posted to say that he and his new partner had had a baby. They called the baby Lincoln. Fuck, that's really weird. Considering my cousin and him had spoken about this name for two years and then he calls his firstborn child with the same name

is so creepy and weird to me. it's not weird for him in my opinion it's weird for the girl the girl he's with now who's had the kids to go what baby name should we pick well me and me ex love well i'm guessing that he didn't say that i don't think he said that i don't think he said that i think he's gone i love lincoln. And she's gone, like the president. I like that. Like the place. Is it a place? Excuse me,

I'm playing Lincoln Engine Shed soon. Oh, of course it is. Lincoln, of course it is. Great place, Lincoln. Yeah. Yeah. So, I think that's what's happened.

Wow. How would you feel if you found out that you would name your child in the future, say now, say the listener this. Right.

How would you feel if you found out that our children were named because of a name that me and my ex had talked about loads and would have loved and were like, these are them, we had an imaginary child. I think I wouldn't be very happy about that, to be honest. I think that, I don't know. It's a betrayal. It is a betrayal. But then at the same time, it's just a name, isn't it?

But then names are quite important. I don't know. It's a weird one because it's a massive betrayal, but it's also not a betrayal. But then at the same time... It's a betrayal from the past. It's just a name, isn't it? But their names are quite important. I don't know. It's a weird one. It is strange. Because it's a massive betrayal, but it's also not a betrayal at all. I guarantee this will split people down the middle. I guarantee if you spoke to someone,

you could get different opinions. That doesn't matter. You could get, oh my God, that's terrible. Wow. It's like cheating on someone in a dream. It is a bit. Well, I had completely different names

for our kids from what I thought I would when I was younger. Yeah. What were the names you wanted to call your kids when you were older never thought about that

did you not no I had two and they were the worst probably some of the worst names I've ever heard right you can't say that because someone's going to be

someone's going to be listening to it now going well I'm called Bartholomew how dare she it wasn't Bartholomew of course it wasn't of course it wasn't

no I was I don't think I do because we're going to slide people off. Sorry. Okay, I won't. Hey guys, I heard you talking about your injuries you'd had at school this week and it reminded me of something that happened when I was in year 9.

One of the games we played in PE was possibly the stupidest thing in the world. I don't know how my teacher thought that this could end in anything other than pain. Okay. The idea was that this could end in anything other than pain. Okay. The idea was that you had to learn to trust your partner. We were put into pairs. One member of the pair had to wear a blindfold and the other didn't. Then the blindfolded person had to essentially just run full speed across the hall at the brick wall at the other end.

What the hell? They were supposed to trust their partner to tell them when to stop. Obviously though though we were a class of 14 year old girls and were inevitably going to get distracted this game lasted about two minutes and ended abruptly when one of the girls forgot to tell her partner to stop the blindfolded girl ran directly in the wall and shattered her kneecaps i don't think they played that game the shattered, shattered kneecaps. What a ridiculous game. That's taken, because we used to do stuff like trust games.

You know, have you never done them? Where you put arms out and fall back and they catch them. Well, no, not just that. You would sometimes have like a, like a maze or something. Someone would be blindfolded and you'd be like, we have to go left and then right.

Never did this in my school. We did stuff like that. Did you guys not have trampolines? Yeah, we did, yeah. Right. What, when you have to spot for people? It just sounds like something shit schools would do.

Like, we've got no stuff, we've got no equipment, the balls have all burst. Put your tie around your face and run at the wall. Fucking stupid. We never ran at, that's ridiculous.

Everybody run at the wall and your partner will tell you when to stop. Like, what the hell? If anyone involved in the next series of Squid Games listening listening i think we've just found one of your games stop stop red light green light shattered kneecaps shattered kneecaps i know how are you running well because how does she run like you know like a cartoon villain where they lean back in the run. Their legs are just like that.

A bag of swag over their shoulder that they've just stolen. Maybe she was just full throttle run. You know when you have your knees up? Shattered her kneecap. Both knees though. Good God. Oh, kneecap.

Just one. Brilliant. Just one kneecap. So she would have just been... Makes perfect sense. Not both. Good grief. Ran directly in the wall

and shattered her kneecap. Wow. Did I never tell you? I must have told you, so she would have just been yeah sorry makes perfect sense not both good grief ran directly in the wall and shattered her kneecap wow did I never tell you I must have told you but when we did trampolining at school you know you did trampolining

the trampolines were always there you could always see them it was the best thing to do by a mile and you literally did them once a year you never ever did them

it was ridiculous yeah they never got them out did they I'm jealous of how much trampoline access children nowadays have yeah think about when we were kids that's so true no access to trampolines no never you go on holiday once a year there might be a trampoline park on the costa del sol or whatever you walk past it on

the night there's arcades there's a bit of mini golf and some trampolines yeah that's once a year right i used to go when we went on holiday if there was a trampoline park i would go every single night that would be me for the night me mum and dad would take us and stand there gutted while I just bounced up and down yeah I remember one year

we found one that had a bar as well that were over the moon and yeah at school you would go on as well now one time we we were doing trampolining and one of the lads

if you were if you could you were allowed to do a backflip or a frontflip right we were just we were pikes and stuff like that well everyone had to stand around one of the lads, if you could, you were allowed to do a backflip or a frontflip, right? We were pikes and stuff like that. Well, everyone had to stand around.

Everyone stands around to catch them kind of thing. And one of the lads, twice this happened in my school, right? One of the lads, he was called Billy. He was actually one of the lads I've mentioned recently who said that you get weights on your dick at the thing. It's the same lad. You didn't mention the names. Now you have. I said Billy and Jamie. Oh, did you? Yeah, at the thing. It's the same lad. You didn't mention the names. Now you have.

I said Billy and Jamie. Oh, did you? Yeah, yeah. Right, fair enough. Billy, he's a little lad. He was very athletic. And he did a front flip, but he went a little bit further around.

It was right at the beginning of the class. He did a front flip, so he did almost one and a half front flips. And the teacher realised he'd done one and a half and was like, I bet you could do double if you tried. And he was like, all right, the rest of the lesson. alright. It was the rest of the lesson.

We all stood round the rest of the lesson. It was 45 minutes of just him on the trampoline trying to do double front flips. That's torture. It was fucking rubbish. It was one of the worst lessons. I'm sorry, your schools were horrible. My PE teacher was a prick, is what the problem was. And we stood there. It was the whole lesson

and I just remember thinking, is no one else having a turn? No, no, go on Billy, you can do it. Go on, do a double front flip. Put a lad. It was the whole lesson. And I just remember thinking, is no one else having a turn? No, no, go on, Billy, you can do it. Go on, do a double front. Put a lad. He was goosed by the end of it. Yeah, because you really want to turn on the trampoline. You really, really want to go. None of them got a turn.

None of them got a turn when it was shown that he could nearly do it. It was terrible. It happened once in, we did, again, I think the teacher just liked getting in the local paper. I'm sure he would phone the paper and be like, student does, you know,

does a double front flip. Another lad would do the long jump at one point and one of the lads got a decent score on the long jump and he was like, oh, that's close to the youth record.

What a, rest of the lesson would just have to watch this lad do the long jump. That's shit. That's utter shit. Fucking rubbish. Rubbish.

Rubbish. You're totally right though. Still angry about it. Kids don't know the point of it. The access that this generation have got to trampolines. You're totally right. In my day, know the point. The access that this generation have got to trampolines. In my day trampolines were few and far between. So really you've made

one of your most valid points you've ever made. That's a really good point. Wow. I'll give you that. And climbing walls as well. Climbing walls are crazy accessible. Yeah. You know you can just if you want to take your kid to a climbing wall on a Sunday. You can. None of that. So there we go.

Wow, we've hit something here. Yeah. Soft plays. There were a dime a dozen when I was young. They're all over the shop now. Well, they're constant now, soft plays. It used to be a hall that got all the soft stuff out and put it away. Now they're just a constant.

Do you remember Pirates, what was it called, man? Pirates Playland at Leisure Centre. Pirates Playland at the Leisure. Absolutely unbelievable. It was great in there. Massive massive massive class Babadoo Babadoo Babadoo Dear Chris and Rosie

please keep me anonymous as I don't want to get into trouble at work great I work as a secondary school teacher and thought you'd like to hear about the time

one of my students put the school up for sale on purple bricks fantastic yes 100% please the reception staff allegedly found out about this when

someone rang in to arrange a viewing of a school who's buying a school developers do developers buy old schools and stuff

don't they yeah it's just really funny probably to make a trampoline park I ended up having to look after the kid

when he was on detention and had the hardest time trying to keep a straight face whilst telling him off you can't you can't it's great that isn't it this is fantastic it's brilliant it says what's the funniest thing He was on detention and had the hardest time trying to keep a straight face whilst telling him off.

You can't. You can't. It's great, isn't it? This is fantastic. It's brilliant. It says, what's the funniest thing you got into trouble for when you were at school? Wow. That's amazing. I told you once I got put on report for not having my shirt tucked out.

Oh, because the teacher hated you. Yeah. Well, most teachers hate us because I talk too much. Irony, if anyone's listening. Well, hey. So I remember, I think it was when I won the yo-yo competition and I stood up to collect me toffee

crisp, which I'm still angry about. Have I told you this story? No, I don't know. The teacher did a yo-yo competition I think it was year 8 or year 9. And she was like, I'm going to do a yo-yo competition. I talked about it in the seminar and she was like, there'll be a prize. I was like, oh my god. So I did the yo-yo competition and I won it because I was brilliant on my Yu-Gi-Oh!

also because I was last to go so anyone who did a trick that I didn't know I just did it in my set as well okay yeah

in my set oh god this is tragic we actually did it next to the trampolines I bet you were well hard they were folded up yeah they were folded up at one point yeah

at one point I just hung the string on my erection I was buzzing. Yeah, and then she was like, yeah, and she was like, the prize will be given in assembly.

And I stood up to get my prize in front of everyone. It was a toffee crisp. It was a toffee crisp. I could have smacked her. I was so angry. Was it a big one, a little one?

Just normal toffee crisp. And I had me, and when I went up to get it, I had my shirt tucked out and I got put on the board and I had my shirt tucked out. I mean, it backfired massively. Which is why,

which is why I've never tried at anything since then. I love a toffee crisp, though. I was expecting a pro-yo too. All the adverts on the telly for the pro-yo too. It had a wooden spindle in the middle. It spanned forever. It spun just constantly. It was amazing. You could do loads

of tricks. Oh, he has a toffee crisp. Fucking 20 pence from the tuck shop. I bet she didn't even pay for it. I bet she just took it. Well, I'd have been buzzing. Probably from a multi-pack what did i get wrong for i didn't get in trouble much at school but i i've got a mem do you know when my memories are really mixed up i've got a memory whether it's true or not i don't know of me being made to go into another science class i think i got got caught talking. I was like you, I talked a lot. One of my teachers caught us talking about how worms have sex, right?

And I think she was a bit annoyed at this because I was talking, she was like, what are you talking about? Right. And I was like, I'm telling everyone how worms have sex. And she was like, well, why are you doing that and blah, blah, blah.

And then she made me go into the other, I think teachers just took the piss out of kids actually looking back. Right. She made me go into the other I think teachers just took the piss out of kids actually looking back she made me go into another class and stand at the front of the class and tell them all what I had been talking about in class I've got a very vivid memory

of being in another classroom talking about wounds in an older kids she really had my life to be fair I think that's actually not that's genius

not nice though is it so you got caught talking about worms on sections she was like right okay so that's like another

you know when they catch you a little note read that note out in front of the class yeah just like

you will go into year 9 you're in year 7 you're going to the year 9 science class and present your findings and tell them what was so interesting more interesting than my lesson

wow that she's really taught that personally so how do women have sex so i think they well this is what i remember they lie opposite each other and just shoot stuff at each other that's what she made us go into everyone end of presentation rosie rosie winter everyone what she didn't realize you know what ros End of presentation. Rosie Winter, everyone. What she didn't realise... Hey, Rosie, you know what, Rosie? That was so good, we're going to tour the whole school. Come on.

What she didn't realise is actually that I love performing in front of people. So to me... That's where it started. To me, she was doing us a favour. I was like, this is getting me out of a lesson that I hate. And I'm here performing in front of my fellow friends and folk.

So fuck you, Mrs... I can't remember your name of my fellow friends and folks so fuck you Mrs can't remember your name we um me and me three mates went to get you know you had to get signed out of school when you what do you mean when you finished no when you finished the day we finished all our exams and then you had to go in and get signed out for some weird reason I don't know what the crack I don't know what you mean from when you full-on like you're 11 you're done you're 11 right finished signed out done had to get signed out I don't know what you mean. From when you're full on, like year 11, you're done. finished, year 11, finished, signed out. Done. Had to get signed out.

I don't think I did that. I went back for my GCSE result. Did you not get signed out? Oh shit, I'm still. Are you still at school? You didn't get signed out. Chris,

I don't think I signed out at school. Your attendance, your attendance is going to be shut. There's an empty desk there. Do you know how many classes are sitting, waiting for you to come

and tell them how worms have sex? You know that syllabus is bare. I cannot believe that i'm still saying biology they open the syllabus and they go there's a big blank page here for worms having sex oh no we've got a student um just do any day now she's a bit late she's gonna come and tell everyone how worms have sex um yeah we'll give her a toffee toffee crisp she loves it um so uh so we had to get signed out and this is one of them things where you realize when you're older you go i was a fucking mug there like i was a massive mug for putting up with that we got signed out by our teacher and walked down the corridor and we're like way more like high-fiving each other because we've been signed

out and another teacher popped out of the classroom and went what are you doing making all this noise in the corridor and we're like we just got signed out like we're going and i think one of us like gave a bit of a lip of like you know you've got no power here and he was like get in here now and we like went in and we had to sit through his entire lesson it was the beginning of the period and we had to sit for an extra he basically gave with the ultimate detention we just signed out we were no longer at the school and he gave work an hour lesson why would what what such d They're such dicks, aren't they? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, it must be... Yeah, but he had a younger lesson in,

so I assume, and getting the lads who'd just signed out, ragging them into his lesson and made us all sit there with the year sevens, I assume that really made him look amazing. Did they teach you anything? Told us he was a prick. They probably did teach us some stuff, I suppose,

because I was a bit embarrassed having to go into that other class and tell them, so I didn't talk as much, I guess. So, yeah, all right. Bravo. It must be. I always bring it back. It must be absolutely difficult as I've been a teacher.

Oh, yeah, it is. I've worked in school. It must be horrendous. I've never worked in a comprehensive. I don't think I could do that. No. I had our son at home. We had our son at home for a few months during the pandemic.

Yeah. And I literally, I get around the applause of the teachers every night on my stand-up show. Yeah, it's intense. Sorry. We're sorry. We're done. Have your six weeks off. during the pandemic and I literally, I get around applause of the teachers every night on my stand-up show. I'll say, we're sorry, we're sorry, we're to have you six weeks off. Hello, Rosie and Chris. I've been binging the podcast

for the past few weeks so I've got a lot to get through. Okay. I recently listened to the episode where the person who wrote in

took the last simnel cake and reminded me of something I had to write in. Do you remember that? No. Do you not remember?

Nope. When they stole it from somebody else who put it back. I can't remember. I can't remember either. It was in. Do you remember that? No. Do you not remember? Nope. When they stole it from somebody else who put it back. I can't remember. I can't remember either. It was in Marksies or something. Great.

Oh, sorry, yeah, in the supermarket. They took the last cake thing. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, sorry, the Simnel word put us off, but yes. A while ago, me and my partner went to Tesco to get games for the Nintendo Switch

because they were on special offer, two for £60 or something like that. Well, pissed off that I missed that, but carry on. I'm really angry. When we got to the game section, there was another couple there also looking at the Switch games.

We knew which ones we wanted so we just waited until they were ready. They took ages and kept faffing about asking the staff loads of questions. The woman had two in her hand. One of them was the one that we wanted and it was the only one of the cases left on the shelf. The woman then changed her mind and put that one back.

My boyfriend laughed and said, Oh, we'll take that one. She then grabbed it back and said, No, I'm having it. And left. Wow. Naturally, we were raging. Yeah.

I'd be raging too. Now, what I probably should have mentioned was that I actually worked for Tesco at the time. I had an app on my phone which told me the stock levels in every Tesco shop and this was definitely the last one. However, this insider knowledge also meant that I knew the process

that they used in shops for games. She went straight to the counter, didn't she? I knew that the cases on the shelf were empty and the actual games were kept in a drawer at the tills. Honestly, I'm getting an erection here. We went to the tills, asked the person working if we could have that game as it was the last one and we really wanted it.

He gave us it and we bought the last copy. We both laughed on our way out the door as we imagined the horrible and annoying woman from earlier on getting the till and they didn't have the game she wanted. Oh, that's delicious. Absolutely fantastic. from earlier on getting the till and they didn't have the game she wanted that's delicious absolutely fantastic yeah did I ever tell you

the woman who lives rent free in my head who? I don't know if it's something about being slightly hung over here the way my brain works I used to write

a lot of stand up routines when I was slightly hung over because my brain works in a different way I don't know so I'm remembering are you just a bit more aggressive and a bit more

don't give a shit is that why? I feel a bit like that today I mean yeah you're in a bad way I don't know so i'm remembering just a bit more like aggressive and a bit more like don't give a shit is that why i feel a bit like that today i mean yeah you're in a bad way um i don't know what it is but i'm just remembering a load of stuff today now i was on tour not the two i just got on the one before and we were in uh starbucks and there was a i was just trying to grab something off i was like trying to get it i was just trying to get a coffee and there was a group of people in front of me who were clearly from an office or something and they'd come to Starbucks you could tell they were Starbucks noobs total newbies

and they were standing there and the people at the counter were free and I'm trying to get around these fucking people to get served and all they're doing is standing in front of the sandwiches handing each other sandwiches and going, do you want that one? That's got cheese.

Where's your peripheral vision? And I'm trying to get round them. And I got round and the woman went, next please. And I went, yeah. And the woman with the sandwiches literally sidestepped in front of us and went, no, we were next. No, we were, was the way she said it.

And I'm like, you picking sandwiches isn't you in the queue. That's you picking sandwiches., you picking sandwiches isn't you in the queue. That's you picking sandwiches. Once you've picked them, you join the queue. But they all moved in front of us and I'm not joking. I must have stood there

for 15 minutes while they ordered this massive fucking huge convoluted order. And I was one person on my own just wanting a flat white. It's rude. I was raging.

So if I could have got the last thing of whatever they wanted. She lives rent free in me head. Every time in me head I go, no way. I get really fucking angry. Okay. So I like to think that. I got annoyed with that as well. wanted. She lives rent free in me head. Every time in me head I go, no, where you at? I get really fucking angry.

Okay. So I like to think that. I'd have got annoyed with that as well. I like to think it was her as well. And I like to think they took the Switch game off her and I'm glad they did it for us. Because it was deaf. Wasn't it her? It was her, wasn't it?

It was her. I want a Switch game. It was her. It was her, babes. No, that would piss me off as well. I feel happy now. Just convoluted coffee orders piss me off like can I have

this with a little milk and then can I have a shot of that and I'd over that's because you just drink

black coffee I do and I don't drink it from Starbucks because I don't want a pint of black coffee thank you

very much when people come out with that cup that looks like they're going to the cinema yes I'll have the I'll have the gallon gulp of coffee, please.

It's just awful. Awful. We do coffee so wrong in this country. Really upsets us. Like these massive chains. Australia and Italy, nail it. These huge chains do the worst, the simplest of coffees.

They do it horrifically. I ask for it half full and they go, really? And I'm like, yeah, it's a fucking pint. You're giving us a pint glass of coffee. What are you doing? No, you don't. Oh, what value for money you're getting there? I don't want it. It's water. It's hot water.

It's a shot of the good stuff and then a pint of hot water. I don't want it. Nobody wants a pint of fucking hot water coffee. Right. Okay. Gun to your head. Gun to your head. Right. You've got to wake up tomorrow morning. Gun to your head. Gun to your head. Right. You have got to wake up tomorrow morning, gun to your head.

You have to have one of these two things as soon as you wake up. Pint of coffee, massive pint of sort of watered down coffee, drink it all, or energy drink. Big can. You know the big cans of energy drinks where you see people walking down the street

and you go, he's drinking lager. Oh no, it's an energy drink. You know them ones. I'd have to have a coffee. Right, okay. You've, he's drinking lager. Oh no, it's an energy drink. You know them ones. I'd have to have a coffee. Right, okay. You've got to drink the whole thing. Right, okay, I will.

I will. No, I'd rather have that energy drink in the morning. People drinking energy drinks in the morning. Yeah. I find it really sad. But it might be something that doesn't...

Both my tour managers, neither of them drink hot drinks. They don't drink coffee. They don't drink tea. So I don't know how they get through the day. I don't... They need a caffeine boost so it must be from one of the energy drinks.

That's all I can think. But for your first drink? Yeah, but. I'm going to have a monster for me. Don't name, don't name. No, I'm sorry. And I get it.

I can understand that midday, it's like, right, okay, you're having your energy drink at midday. I mean, I've seen people at six in the morning. Oh my. Oh no. I can't. Go to your head.

Go to your head. But this is my personal opinion. If you like it, then that's fair enough. People don't like black coffee, but okay. Gun to your head. Gun to your head.

You've got to drink, right? Either. Oh, I've been beeped. Oh, 26 left. Remind her to move.

Fuck off, I'll have a monster at the end. This watch is a nightmare. Right, come on. Gun to your head, head right you've either got a drink right you know the the coffee we've been talking about the pint of coffee yeah yeah it's not a pint anymore it's you know them special big buckets i bought for washing my car the big yellow ones oh right yeah okay right so it's like a couple of gallons how many shots of espresso

are you talking just one there's one shot of espresso and there's about five gallons of hot water barely it's almost just hot water right okay you've got to drink all of that right or right you've got to have a hot monster it's only a little cup but it's hot right you've got to dip some bickies in it you've got a dip of custard cream in it which one are you having go to your head you've got to pick one of them honestly less is more I'll go for the hot monster

yes I will I'll go for the I think they'll be quite nice hot it's personally I just don't like the taste I think the smell

so strong and well for me I can't drink Red Bull because I just think of when I used to drink vodka Red Bull it reminds me of being on a night out

and then getting home and going I can't sleep why can't I sleep oh you've had six vodka Red Bull because I just think of when I used to drink vodka Red Bull it reminds me of being on a night out and then getting home and going I can't sleep why can't I sleep oh you've had six vodka Red Bulls and you're just wide awake

for fucking hours have you ever had a tequila vodka Red Bull TV or no bad are they bad times

bad times that sounds awful I had them once before I went on holiday a couple of nights before I went on holiday and it was the famous time when I was sick

in my suitcase oh nice all the new clothes on top tequila vodka red bull do you remember

when you sick in my suitcase do you remember that was probably back in the day when you didn't drink for pleasure you just drank

to get drunk I drink for pleasure now and the side effect is just getting drunk a sip of beer and wine I enjoy it I actually

look forward to it sick in my suitcase no offence if you like Monster, but it's not my cup of tea. Other energy drinks are available and we don't like any of them, just so you know. But if you want to sponsor the podcast,

we will pretend that we like them for money. So there you go. Speaking of energy drinks, Rosie, we haven't mentioned them this week, so Carl Hutchinson, friend of the podcast, who I'm on tour with at the moment so Carl when he does

the Edinburgh Festival my tour manager runs the Edinburgh Festival for our management company so he sort of programs all the shows for the Edinburgh Festival texts them all

does all the programming and tech and stuff Carl he was Carl's tech guy so Rhys was Carl's tech guy and Carl's show would run at about

58 minutes and Carl was hung over one day and he had one of the you know the massive cans of red bull yeah he had one of the massive cans of red bull before he did his show 45 minutes he shows because he just did it so fast did i not tell you that i had um i had two pro plus ones and I thought I was going to die I thought I was having a heart attack wow just before I was

about to do a gig I had to lie down and I had to get me people who I was working with at the time to feel me hard because I was like I'm dying

that would have been back in the day when you didn't have caffeine I didn't have coffee not anything I didn't drink energy drinks I didn't have caffeine

nothing you didn't drink Coca Cola no and I had two pro plus straight in at the deep end oh mate I had lied down I was like

feel me hard I'm dying I'm dying I love that how rock and roll how rock and roll look at these bloody pop stars at this gig

look at that she's overdosing look at Stava what you had 2 Pro Plus from Boots alright okay ciao baby

thank you for listening to this week's episode of Shagman Annoyed which is now part of the Acast Korea Network it is indeed guys as always if you want to get in touch with

anything at shagmanannoyed at gmail.com please continue to send your wonderful stories in for the live shows and for the podcast and the

live shows the November and December arena dates are on sale now the last sections in some of the arenas have just been put on sale very exciting

O2 is genuinely at the full to the brim very nearly sold out it's going to be incredible thank you so much and we will see you again next week

they're on shagmaridanoid.com by the way they're no man god come on it's bloody spoon feeding them stop it sorry everyone

that was shagmaridanoid.com for the kids That was Shagwiner.com for the kicks. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at roy thompson hall

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