Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 140. NOT a Halloween special

Episode Date: October 29, 2021

It's almost Halloween but Chris has got no time for ghosts or people that have seen them. Rosie's on the fence. There's bladder (and bum) based beef and one listener has a Big Mac confession. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Marinoid with me, the big whore, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. You are the big whore. I'm so glad. I'm so glad you finally admitted it.

Chris just called me a big whore before we started recording. See, that's the fun. So the real fun, the real fun of having a wife who you love is all of the sexist things that I could never say to any other woman on the planet. I can just say it to you and I get away with it scot-free. Literally just about to record, you went, have a good show, you big whore. I was like, great, thanks for that. And you know, you are going to have a good show whilst being a big whore. So it's happy days. It is. You are bang on every day.

Welcome back, everyone. Hi, hope you're well. Lovely to have you back and listening to us blather on. Rosie's not hungover this week, which is good. I am not hungover. I'm so sorry about that. It's extremely unprofessional. Just thought I'd go on my ends. Where have I been?

Wow, that hungover, you couldn't remember where you've been. We've been to the theatre. Oh, we had. That's what we've been doing. Right, yeah. Lovely restaurant in Newcastle and went to the theatre and we just got full of wine and beer. That seems like years ago.

Yeah, yeah. It's crazy. Holy shit. I've had two gigs since then. Can I just say, right? I had, the way COVID reshuffled everything, I had a gig in Clacton-on-Sea last week. I had to go there and back.

It wasn't like in the tour schedule. I had to go all the way there, do the gig and all the way back. And I know that sounds like, you know. First world problems. Yeah, first world problems. Me diamond slippers are too tight. I had to go all the way to Clacton

and perform with a thousand people or whatever. But it was, you know, quite... To do a one-off that far away, you would never know me booked it in. Yeah. Amazing. Crowd were unbelievable. And then same again.

Peterborough, I did on Sunday. Again, all the way there, all the way back, one gig. Big shout out to those two... Those two crowds specifically for making us feel really, really happy. Oh, that's good, because you were you were absolutely season human i was fuming that i had to go all the way they don't get us wrong i

mean i've talked about it on the night um but yeah the big there were just great crowds and all the crowds have been so far in the stand-up so thank you so much me two hours on as i say there's only tickets for like i'm glad you're enjoying it i'm really really glad it's great it's great it's funny it's funny what being forced to stay in your house will do to the productivity of your job yeah does that make sense no no doesn't make any sense at all right does it not it's funny what's in the house will do because you you had you couldn't do stand-up for a while because of covid yeah so now you're absolutely buzzing to do it again yeah crowds are buzzing as well does that make sense yeah yeah so it does

make sense well the productivity didn't know no productivity it wasn't the right word creativity no you threw a word in do you mean motivation yeah positivity or motivation maybe yeah i think i meant you pick the word again out of there honestly something you know what you should have you should have you're not almost like a tombola like when you don't know what a word is you should just have a tombola but i think that's probably what happens i think in your head there's a little tombola with loads of different words and none of them are assigned a meaning and you you barrel into a sentence full on and then you go oh i need a word here the handle goes around and you just pick a random word out and you go

here's a question for you do you say thesaurus or thesaurus? What's the right way? Thesaurus. Thesaurus? Yeah. So who says thesaurus? Is that Americans? No. Thesaurus?

No. Are you sure? I'm positive. No one says thesaurus. Are you sure? Yes. But I think they do. What is this?

Because I was thinking I would need a thesaurus because I think of a word but then you can always get a better version of the word right I used to do it a lot at school

use a thesaurus to get better versions of a word when you're doing like an essay or whatever right but then I just was like thesaurus

or is it thesaurus it's not thesaurus no one's ever said thesaurus okay why would you do that thesaurus why that's like looking at

the word shoe and going is that shoe or is it why have you done that to yourself why have you implemented that there's loads of different people say loads people say things differently and claim that people say it different are you thinking of thesis yes right you're not this stupid but sometimes when we turn the mics on and you just barrel in I'm not stupid

no but come on I just get words a bit mixed up but I think you know unless you're a bloomin' genius

it's a difficult language ours is it's proved by the fact that you nearly didn't finish that sentence although shamefully it's not though is it

because so many other countries speak our language we're just horrific over here. We're just lazy as fuck. I mean, some of us are. I mean, not all of us. There's British people.

Robin speaks better French than me. Damn right he does. They're teaching them a lot younger now, which I think is really good. Yes. So there you go. Wish we'd done that. I just had a sort of image in my head there of you at school using your thesaurus on your essay. The way Joey does when he writes the letter for Chandler and Monica to have to Bill who adopted a kid

and he uses signs off baby kangaroo that's you well hey listen not done us any harm has it goodness me guys as always

thank you so much for listening this is episode 140 and without further ado it is time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor can it wait this week's sponsor is staff telling you that the venue you're playing is haunted.

Oh. All of them. Yeah. Every theatre royal in the country, every grand theatre in the country that's more than 50 years old, some stupid prick who works there. Truth teller. Tells me that it's haunted what is it rosie what's it what it's always a lady it's all if you see a great ghost sexist there's a great lady derrick

akora yeah definitely a man right he's the biggest ghost teller out there no i'm saying the ghost lady oh sorry you thought you thought it's always lady. Oh, sorry. You thought it's always a lady. I thought you were being extremely sexist and saying it's always a woman who tells you that the place is haunted. First of all, let's get a correct definition of sexism here. If I have been told by 10 different people

throughout the course of this tour that the venue is haunted and if all 10 of them have been women, that's me referring to them all being women as a fact. That not me being sexist that's me saying every single one of them has been no because you are saying it in a derogatory way you were like every single one you are saying it in a very nice way always say a lady walking around it's the ghost and i go get out me dressing so it's always a woman who's haunting the theatre. It's always a lady. Yeah. Fucking hanging about like a bad smell. Oh, I'm just,

honestly, honestly, sick of hearing it. It's always like a... So hard to be background tourer, but I didn't think me beef with being background tourer would be stop telling us your venue's haunted. Honestly, you might as well be telling us what colour underpants you've got on. I couldn't give a fuck. I quite like it though, because it's usually, they've named

a portion of the theatre after them so they're important to the theatre. Convalidated story. Just putting it out there one day I'd love to haunt a theatre. Yeah.

There's loads to choose from up here though. I'm going to have to pick wisely. There's loads to choose from. Where am I going? Am I going to the customs house? Better get me application

in via Ouija board for which one I'm going to haunt. I'm just going to think about it now. Where am I going? Theatre Royal? the customs house better get me application in via Ouija board for which one I'm going to haunt I'm just going to think about it now where am I going Theatre Royal Time Theatre Theatre Royal's good Empire

Empire loads loads of good ones always I'm telling you right now hand on heart I'm going to put it

no one in the world has ever seen a ghost ever you're lying or you think you have that's why no no I want to address this right now you're lying or you think you have. That's why. Because I've got a theory. No, no, I want to address this right now.

You're lying or you think you have. If you think you have, really think hard because I don't think you have. Because I honestly think if anyone actually saw a ghost, their fucking head would explode. There'd be a babbling mess. People who, you know, you would lose your mind if you saw a ghost. If you literally saw someone and then they walked through a wall and you go, oh yeah, I saw someone, I woke up and I saw them.

Were you half asleep? Was this a dream? They don't normally walk through a wall though. They normally sat at the bottom of the bed. Bollocks. It's always that. Perched at the bottom of the bed. Oh, were you half asleep?

Did you see this thing specifically in the state of being and consciousness where you're half between sleep and awake? That's probably the fucking explanation then. I'm telling you, if anyone actually saw a ghost, their head would explode.

You would, so many questions of the universe would be answered the moment you saw a ghost. You wouldn't be able to contain yourself. You'd be like, there's an afterlife.

So much. You're fucking lying or you're stupid. I'm telling you right now, if you think you're a ghost, you're a liar and stupid. We bought a house that was made in 1870 something.

I don't want to upset anyone who might be here so listen I'm on the fence about it all and if anyone's here do you know

that I went round this house when we moved in and shouted at everybody from the spirit world do you know that I do it when you're

away all the time is that why the blog's moving us in we're freaked out it wasn't it was when I was alone is that why they

didn't unpack any of the boxes just left them in the garage and fucked off because that stupid woman's running round screaming no I do that way they didn't unpack any of the boxes they just left them in the garage and fucked off because that stupid woman's running around screaming

no I do it all the time I do it all the time it's usually before I go to bed I go right go away you're not welcome here

stay away I don't care about you I'm not scared whatever because apparently that's what you meant to do you meant to shout

at them to scare them because usually they're quite scared alright so it's a ghost hanging around to meant to do you meant to shout at them to scare them because usually they're quite scared alright so do you guys okay so it's a ghost hanging around to specifically haunt you

but you shouting at them in your fucking slippers and your dressing gown haunt you in comedy slippers and dressing gown and no bra on yeah

running around the house shouting yeah I've just seen oh yeah just seems it actually was my mum's head

in her bedroom yeah just her head it's floating finally finally don't you dare we'd be we'd be lost without her it actually was my mum's head in her bedroom just her head finally don't you dare we'd be lost without her you said something wrong last week on the podcast

I said something wrong you said something wrong wasn't me so I just spoke to my mum last week you said celebratory instead of celebratory I felt you needed to know that going forward celebratory instead of celebratory celebratory okay great just wanted I felt you needed to know

that going forward that's good as soon as you called me stupid no yeah yeah and she also she says thesaurus she said yeah

okay good that must have been where I've got it from one I will discount what she said correcting me because she says thesaurus

and all that does is confirm that you and your mum are both stupid great so there you go wandering around the house shouting at ghosts.

Should we start? I don't think Sandra... Go away! Don't be in here! Go away! I'm not scared of you! Hold on, let us go in me thesaurus for a different word for scared

in case you don't understand. I don't think my mam shouts at ghosts. I don't think she's scared of anyone. Oh, good. Good. Okay, here's the jingle. Oh, honestly. Sick of it.

If you're out there and you say thesaurus or you think you've seen a ghost, you're an idiot. That's not nice. I'm not, you can't say stuff like that.

It's just a different opinion to you. Come on, don't be like that. Anyone who thinks they've seen a ghost is lying. They're lying.

They're lying and they're stupid. They might not be. They're lying and they're stupid or they were asleep or they were drunk or they were on drugs.

What, stars are real, aren't they? Stars? Oh, you don't think stars are real? I'm joking. You don't think stars are real I'm joking you don't think

stars are real Chris I was joking I was joking because I knew it would wind you up look at I can't even see his face

oh that thing you get a suntan off that thing you get a suntan off is a star don't be stupid honestly

sick of this decents we had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Ba-ba-do-ba-ba-do-ba-ba-do-ba. Jingle!

You join us back after the jingle. I'm busy typing. Rosie's busy sending an email that she forgot to send. So we're sitting now and Rosie's tapping away on her keyboard. So, dear listener, we're just going to listen to just a little sound file that I just found on the internet. Have a listen to this. Thesaurus. Great.

Thesaurus. This is the pronunciation of the word... Thesaurus Thesaurus This is the pronunciation of the word Thesaurus Thesaurus They're choosing to pronounce it a different way here Thesaurus Great Well I am also

I have just logged on to Thesaurus.com And I typed in You Because you are you because you are awful. I typed in awful. And you are also frightful, ghastly, gruesome, harrowing, hideous, horrendous, horrible, dreadful, distressing, disgusting, dire, depressing,

atrocious, appalling, horrific, horrifying, nasty, shocking, tough, ugly and extremely unpleasant. Unpleasant or unpleasent? Repulsive as well. Repulsive or repulsive? Stop that. Panda, is it repulsive or repulsive?

Oh, well, I'll answer that question because I'm also fucking stupid. I've lost my email page, so... Great. Let's stop. I'm sorry, everyone. I'm sorry to Rosie. I'm sorry to Sandra.

I'm sorry, everyone. I don't know why I'm so cantankerous today calling people stupid and stuff i am still going i'm genuinely got to do this yeah i'm just chatting away no no you just keep tapping away i'm just chatting i'm just chatting to the listener i don't know why i'm so cantankerous this week i feel like the last 18 months has just i think i'm just at the end of my tether with people's bullshit i'm at the i think a year ago i think before 2020 if someone started telling us about a ghost that saw i think i'd be like oh yeah well come on then like i'll have a little story no no no you've always been you've always been no no i always listen to it you know i listen to a thing

do you know what i mean i listen to her you know what what you're bullshitting for you've always been you've actually no you've mellowed you've this is are you must be having an off day must be having an off day you've gotten nicer if an off day. You've gotten nicer. If this had been you, like, seven years ago, holy shit. I'm not talking about seven years ago. I'm talking about maybe the beginning of 2020

if someone said, hey, I saw a ghost in this theatre. I'd go, oh, how weird. Then I've got five minutes to kill to tell the story. But now I'm like, oh, God. Oh, really? Oh, get out of me face.

What's been the best one so far? Oh, yeah, it was... Where was it? I can't remember. It might have been Oxford. But it was just like, oh, yeah. Literally, the last was like, oh, yeah, you know it I can't remember it might have been Oxford but it was just like oh yeah literally the last was like oh yeah

you know in Blondie Blonde here's your dressing room and if you see a lady walking around it's the ghost I'm like what any lady

any lady walking around is the ghost she was like well no it's always a lady innit and she went what do you mean it's always a lady walking around it's never anything else

every theatre it's a lady she went yeah I went so are you the ghost she went no i'm your lady and that was waterway and that's how i make friends on tour the most famous ghost though the phantom of the opera jesus yeah he's always there we want the ghost phantom money was he actually a ghost or was he just a bloke with a mask on oh do you know what i don't think he was a ghost i think he was a man with a facial disfigurement who went into hiding in a theater yeah I don't think he was a ghost. I think he was a man with a facial disfigurement who went into hiding in a theatre.

Yeah, I don't think he was a ghost, actually. He was the Phantom of the Opera and he was just like... And how did he choose what theatre he was going to haunt? You might need to have a word with him. He did the one theatre. The one one. In sleep he sang to me. In dreams he came.

That voice which calls to me in dreams he came that voice which calls to me and speaks my name and still stop it i don't know don't know don't start something you can't finish i've never seen from the opera have you not no never seen it i didn't expect you to. It's very good. Yeah? No! Oh, God, no! Stop, stop. Tell all the other guys that. And can I just say, as a side note to all you spooky wookies out there,

oh, this is almost like a Halloween whingy special. Eee! Oh, this is accidental. Spooky wookie Halloween. Hold on. Is this going to be Halloween? Will this go on?

Friday, yeah? Yeah, it's Halloween on Sunday. Eee, yeah. Oh. Oh, I do believe in ghosts then that is freaky oh I believe it all I take it back one little two little three

I'd love to see a ghost can I just say that oh little five little six little pumpkins stop it I'd love to see a ghost Stephen Maggie you would love to see a ghost

yeah right because it would just like I say it would answer so many questions I'd be like okay it's like Santa isn't it I'd like to see Santa

wow how did you come down to that how did you come to how do you know that you know you know the crack i don't know what all right well let's just not buy them this year and see if it comes and pulls out the shit i wouldn't risk it but you don't know do you how are you based on a real person though honey yeah nicholas mr Nicholas? Mr. Nicholas Grimshaw? Radio 1? Mr. Mr.

Nicholas. Good God. Mr. Nicholas. Right, let's start properly. This is shocking. Can I do this email? Send your fucking email.

I'm half doing an email. Send your emails on your own time, love. Honestly. It's about the podcast. Great. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Right, we're back proper. Okay, are you done now?

Yeah, you haven't done your hello properly. It feels weird to do your hello. Hello. Welcome back to this week's episode of Shagradinoid's Spooky Halloween Edition It's absolutely not, it's absolutely not a spooky Halloween dish Stop, that's just, that's just a woman screaming, stop it man! Rosie, that was horrible Halloween?

Yeah, it is horrible, it's pointless, that was horrible, though, that thing you just did there. Well, it's all about, you know... Screaming for no reason. Women screaming and that, innit? Why is it women... Sexist. Why can't men scream as well? Oh, I am sick of this.

I moved away from the mic. Sick of this. This is absolutely not Halloween related. Yeah. Personally, I hate Halloween. You're fighting stupid... Absolutely stupid. Absolutely detest Halloween.

Absolutely stupid, beating my arse. Why... We've talked about this before everyone's getting ridiculous now everyone's decorating their houses every year it'll get worse and worse it's another thing

until we die it's another thing I'm not taking my kids trick or treating I find the whole thing really weird I'm gonna have to buy sweet so in case

anyone turns up here because then absolutely not I'll get the whores out right you're not here thankfully so I'll be here I'll be on the cameras I'm a wee gig thankfully so I'll be here I'll be on the

cameras I'm way gigging but I'll be on the cameras shouting at them all teaching them new swear words if your kids knock on our door

they will be taught new swear words through my camera great and we've got we've got forest next door I'll be in that forest

I might take the night off work just be in that forest with that axe just flower everyone who comes yeah

antique yeah antique them no I just wanted to tell you about we went to the park the other day I took the lads to the park, me nephews and Robin I haven't told you this, there was a little boy right do you know how when you were younger obviously being an only child

you talked about it in the book you used to try and make friends through osmosis just kind of joining in the game yeah I was howling right used to try and make friends like through osmosis, like just kind of joining in the game. Yeah. Chris. I was howling, right? So Robin was on one of them spider frames, you know, the climbing frames,

but they look like a spider's web. Oh, the rope ones, yeah, yeah. Yeah, he's really good at them. And this young lad, he must have been about seven or eight. I'm going to say eight, right? He came over. He had like his wellies on right and he had quite a posh voice just like a little lad little like brown-haired lad he came

over to me and he just looked at us and i was like all right and he like pulled his eyes he went oh someone's a kid who spent loads of time with adults i think so yeah and he's coming to you that's amazing so he tried to be your mate yes but then he ended up playing with the groups are fast honestly he couldn't have been older than eight he couldn't have been and just kind of looked around looked at me when someone's a climber i guess i was like yeah i like that oh i love him he was absolutely great oh i love him yeah and they grow so fast don't they which one's yours which one's yours it's mine over there that's amazing oh wow it was very it was very very cute

i do i love kids like that I love kids that are like wise beyond their years you're right it's kids who just spend too much time with adults I say I like him I'd have a lot of time

for him in the play what I don't have time for is when children who don't seem to have a parent with them oh want you to look at them play watch me do this

oh fuck off like I have to I have to bite my tongue completely going I'm not watching my fucking kid bite my tongue. I'm literally going, I'm not watching my fucking kid, you stupid little shit. I'm not going to watch you, whoever you are.

One thing I didn't miss during COVID was that. Look at me. Look at me. Watch me. Look at this. Look here. Whose kid is this?

Why am I? Why am I being spoken to by this? Crazy man, have you ever been at the soft play when one of them asked you to push them on the swing? I'm like, absolutely not.

Where's your man? Have we spoken about when I went to the, I think we'll have, when I went to the soft play in South Shields, Jumbo Jim's big up, and I was crawling around the upstairs, chasing Robin around and screaming, going like,

and I'd chase him, and I'd cornered, turned one of the corners, and there was a kid there, and he was fucking hysterical, because I was on all fours, going, and I came around the corner,

and he went like, and he was like, crying his eyes out, and his dad came up, and I was like the corner and he went like and he was like crying his eyes out and his dad came up and I was like I'm really sorry and he was like oh he's like this all the time but he was like so he didn't want you to look at him playing yeah no no he wasn't yeah I really don't like that I wonder if Robin

I'll be mortified if Robin does that to people I bet he does I bet he's that kind of kid I'm going to have to have a word with him actually yeah don't ask strangers to watch you do stuff. We went to the soft play the other day, and it was the first time we'd been back at the soft play since, like, gosh, 2020, beginning of 2020, right? Haven't been for ages.

And now Robin is a little bit bigger. I don't have to follow him around the soft play. So we've gone from a really strange sort of... So he was four the last time he went to soft play yeah and just gone for just gone for and now obviously he's turning six there's a there's a big chunk so you still have to watch them when they're four you know just gives a break their fucking arms or whatever and you know so i said to him because i had rave and i was like look i went don't speak to any grown-ups i said if anybody asks you to go with them or anything like that

you come straight to me you don't go anywhere with anyone right oh i went down he thought i was like don't you tell me exactly the same when i whenever go off to a two-a-date as well that's really weird but yeah carry on so i said that to him and he was like no mommy no i won't i won't of course and i was like right okay so he went off and he came back and I was giving Rafi's dinner and he was like a bit, he was like, mum, you know, when he puts his hand, his mouth like that, he's like, mum, mum, somebody,

somebody asked us to play with them. And I was like, what do you mean? He went, somebody asked us to play with them and what you said? And I went, was it a grownup? He went, no, it's a little boy. Chrissie, this kid must have been about nine i was like you're all right you can go and play hey it's good man well actually i was like i was like well done for telling mommy but the children are fine yeah the adults know fear of god in them very good great parent well done but it is sad

that you have to but you have to have them conversations with kids you have to have it and it's so horrible but and to the point where I kind of don't care if Robin is rude to a grown up unless he's with me I'll check him

and go say hello or whatever but if I say to him do not speak to an adult other than if you but then then you're like

what if he hurts himself and he doesn't speak to anyone you don't know what to do. But I think I just want to tell him that so it'll always be on the safe side. If someone thinks he's rude as shit, I don't give a shit. I'm like, well, I told him not to speak to any grown-ups, so he's not speaking to anyone.

Breaks his leg. Ambulance man. Fuck off, man. Stranger danger. Where are you taking us, though? No, nah, no. Eva, bless him, this little kid. Like a kid, I was like, Robin, that's our reet.

He asked us to go and follow him and play with him. Round this off, Blake, that's fine. Jeez. Takes everything very literal though, like you. He does, yeah, he's exactly the same as me. Sorry about that. He's five. Sorry about that.

He's operating on a higher level than me to be fair, but yeah. He does know how to pronounce thesaurus, though, so he has got that on you. I'll be asking him. Now and then, something will happen in the news, and all of our listeners, dear listeners out there, will send us it. You know, like when Boris Johnson stole our,

quite blatantly stole our catchphrase questions from the public, everyone got in touch. Now, this week, someone messaged us on Twitter, and it just said that Paul Scholes sucking his daughter's toes should be on your podcast. Now, I'm not a huge football fan, but obviously back in the day I was kind of a follower, so I know exactly who Paul Scholes is.

He played for Man is Manchester Man United and England ace midfielder I replied my exact reply on Twitter was what brackets

and I can't stress this enough the actual fuck I don't know if they replied because I didn't see the reply but I then researched it myself so there is a video of Paul Scholes

biting his daughter's toenails for her. Which I can understand why people thought they'd want to hear our opinion on this. Each to their own. Do you know what? It's his daughter, it's in his own house. It's tricky, right? Okay.

Do you know what? It's a bit gross, okay? Biting any toenails, biting your own toenails if you're that flexible is gross. Biting your fingernails is pretty gross yeah

but right we're looking at this we I love the boys so so much yeah would I be would I

bite their fingernails when they toenails when they're 20 I don't know I might I might she's 20 right okay

so she's 20 this is new information to me okay I thought she was a teenager she's 20 she's 20 I just put it on

Instagram apparently now with I'm trying to be careful you know I don't want to like barrel in like just go stood

but yeah when it's your kid who you love then fair enough but I mean I love you I'm not biting your toenails something a bit

something a bit gross about it you could clip my nails for her you know I don't or was it was it something was it a splinter that he for her was it something, was it a splinter that he might not, you know it could have been a splinter, she might have had

a bunion that he was chewing off for her we don't really know what he was doing all I'll say is, if I did and I caught my kids filming us doing it I'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa I'm doing this as a favour

he's going to be raging with her he must be raging I caught me kids filming us doing it. I'd be like, whoa, whoa, whoa. I'm doing this as a favour. Yeah. You're not fucking putting me on the internet. He's going to be raging with her, isn't he? He must be raging. Put your phone... You just asked us... What are you doing? You just asked us to bite whatever I'm biting off your foot here.

And you filmed it. Oh, you have ruined Sunday night nail chomping. Love. Don't think I'm doing this again. That was... Yeah, you ruined it. You showed everyone. That was our thing

yeah I'll be getting ribs next week yeah not this oh god speaking of you're on ribs now just the mere mention of barbecue spare ribs

there's some in the fridge makes me there's some in the they're not from the takeaway though they're not as nice they are nice but yeah

I just can't stop I love barbecue spare ribs okay so much right um my uh tour manager um when we drive our paul last night shout out paul one of the best guys ever just just at being a guy he's just a lovely bloke so last night i've got to tell you this actually i just remember when you mentioned ribs there he was eating some ribs he got himself a wagon when was last night oh did he get ribs mentioned ribs there he was eating some ribs he got himself a Wagamama's last night oh did he get ribs he said to me

he got some ribs and he said yeah and he said to me last night I walked into the dressing room so I've got a tour manager who does

all the tech stuff then I've got Paul who does the driving and the tour manager is called Rhys and Paul's obviously the driver they're also the

tour managers on our show on ours as well yeah so he went Paul went look I better tell you this before Rhys

tells you and I was like oh what the hell is this going to be and he went, Paul went, look, I better tell you this before Rhys tells you. And I was like, oh, what the hell's this going to be? And he went, right, I like edam beans. So I got some edam beans.

I went, do you mean edamame? Edamame, yeah. He went, yeah, yeah, them.

I went, right. He went, yeah, so I got them from Wagamama's and I was sitting and eating them and Rhys said,

oh, you got some edamame beans. Do you like them? And he went, I do like them, but they're really salty. They're like a lot. There's a lot of salt on these. And Rhys went, oh, he doesn't eat them. Rhys said, oh, you got some edamame beans. Do you like them? And he went, I do like them, but they're really salty. They're like a lot, there's a lot of salt on these.

And Rhys went, Oh, he doesn't eat them. Rhys went, yeah, on the outside, and he went, what do you mean? And he put the full pod in his mouth. The hairy,

the hairy, the hairy bean pod. The hairy bean pod. He put the full, hairy, and I went, you ate one? I went,

you put the full thing in? And he went, I ate two. So he ate we are and I went you ate one I went you put the full thing in and he ate two and he went I ate two so he ate it and I went was it nice of him

it was horrible I went why did you eat the second one he went I don't know oh no the husk the husk so instead of squeezing the bean out he ate it and then he went

I'll go in again that must have been a dud I'll go in again and he went in again oh no but in his defence there is a lot of different ways to eat runner beans

and all that kind of stuff how can you possibly like them how can you say you like Edam beans why do you call them Edam that's wrong

for a start he's Welsh he's a Welsh countryside boy is he just saying it really fast Edam Hammy he's a Welsh

countryside boy and I think it's a bit of a big city thing for him to get some you know Deliveroo still blows his mind

he can't believe it. You know. Have you seen it? It comes at the door. But yeah, he wolfed down a couple of edamame beans in their,

in their, in their container and then realised, yeah, but yeah, bless him. Bless his little heart. Bless his little heart.

So solid. Horrible. I mean, yeah, I mean, craziness. Absolute craziness. I'll have to check in on him.

Hope he's alright. He might have a little heart attack. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra

music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret.

It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. This Friday. 666 is the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH,

the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef?

Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Halloween beef. Halloween. It's not. It's not Halloween. It's not a Halloween special. Stop it. It is.

This is a Halloween special. This is not a Halloween special. No, no, no. What's Your Beef? I'd do a bloody sound effect if I was allowed. Not allowed, not allowed. Arseholes.

What's Your Beef? My Beef with you. I don't know if I've mentioned this before because you've done this for our whole marriage. Re-hashing beefs. No with you I don't know if I've mentioned this before because you've done this for our whole marriage rehashing beefs no but I don't know if I have mentioned it

you will wait until the very last second to go for a piss yeah and you do it you did it on tour I did it on tour and it really upset us

you've done this have I yeah it's awful it sends me into a panic I don't like it yeah but it's because

you don't like being late for stuff. You're really weird. You like to be weirdly early for stuff. But also, I was speaking to Carl about this the other day, Carl Hutchinson. Have we talked about the fact that once, when we were leaving the house, when we only just had Robin,

so life wasn't even as hectic as it is, we were leaving the house once, and I said, I need to go to the toilet. And you went, oh, can you just go later? And I had to hold a shit in all day, because you couldn't be asked for me to go to the toilet. Was it a shit, was it? One of the worst days of my life.

I was out of here to go for a shit. You were like, oh God, you have to. And I'm like, that's kind of the way the body works. Like, aye. There's me walking around

all day turtling. I had skid marks when I got home. Oh, Christ. Gutted. I didn't really, but yeah, I had a bad tummy.

It must have been, what was so important? Because I wouldn't do that normally. You do. You're like, oh, do you have to? Oh, no. No, come on. You did. No, you're painting a horrible picture here Because I wouldn't do that normally. You do. You're like, oh, do I have to? Oh, no. No, come on.

You did. No, you're painting a horrible picture here. I wouldn't make you hold in a poo. I am telling you, you did. Chris, I wouldn't. You 100%. Can anyone... If I mention it on the podcast...

I must have mentioned it when it happened in the past or when we were doing the podcast at the time. But I remember it because Carl was talking about it the other day. Oh, so Carl knows about it? The whole world knows about it now. I've told them all. But yeah. This has never happened.

Yeah. Because Carl's got a baby now, so he's them all. But yeah. This has never happened. Yeah. Because Carl's got a baby now, so he's experiencing... Well, we must have been late, really late for something. Yeah. I wouldn't ask you to hold in a pill. I am 100...

I'm telling you, I had to hold that shit in all day. It was one of the worst days of my life. Well, why couldn't... No, surely when we got to the place, it would have had a toilet. I don't poo outside. Oh, well, that's your own fucking fault.

Oh, great. Outside. Outside of my house. Well, that's your fault. Well, no, because, you know, folks like I would have just gone, all right, well, it's a five-minute journey. poo outside oh well that's your own fucking fault outside outside of my house well that's your fault well no because you know folks like I would have just gone alright well it's a

five minute journey folks do you prefer it yourself as folks have you been reading that thesis gobbling it up mate I would have just went whenever

I don't have a problem pooing anyway listen this is all par for the course right because let's get on to my beef because my beef is very important this

week this is one of the most angry i've been with you for a very long time and it was almost no i want to guess i broached it with you slightly and you kind of thingied off i don't want you to ruin it for the listener right um i was so angry they're on the edge of the seats chris it was also they are honestly i tell you tell you what hey acas stick an ad in now right come back stick that in here they'll they'll be hanging about i'm telling you no one will be skipping that um listen what i'm saying is right so we've talked about it in the past right um i have to stand uh and wait for what feels like an eternity for my dinner while you're doing a photo shoot with it

right so first of all first of all no no no don't kick off right one i'm very aware that i'm extremely lucky that you make incredible meals for me you do you cook and you make incredible meals i'm so lucky to have you know in the you know to use the 1950s phrase to have me dinner on the table when i get in kind of thing right yeah oh i'm gonna be kicking around the house all day now listen right dinner on the table when I get in kind of thing right yeah oh I'm normally

kicking around the house all day now listen right hello fresh right you know they're gonna have a free plug here

because I do love it and it's like restaurant quality food and I've never tasted anything like it in the house it's incredible right

now when you make a hello fresh you have to take a million and one photos of it so you get it and you put it on the plate

and you're taking loads of photos and you're fanning on and I stand and I go oh my fucking god this is torture and I smell it and I can see it but I'm not and you put it on the plate and you're taking loads of photos and you're fanning on and I stand and I go oh my fucking god this is torture and I smell it

and I can see it but I'm not allowed to touch it because I'll spoil the fucking the mise-en-scene of the food right so mise-en-scene thesaurus it

so like the makeup like the the way you've said all that never heard of that in my life it's film studies thing it's everything that's in the frame

brilliant education she's just having to go out there now so what i started doing is when you're making a hello fresh i can't be in the room because i i literally have to wait until you're like it's ready so i'll come in and just get whatever you want i know you've finished your you did this the other night yeah oh no you've just realized what it is it was not sad not sad i'll tell you hold your hold your water right listen to this right so guys what she does is right she'll put the hello fresh on the plate and she puts on she puts it sets it all out lovely right um what i would call a normal human portion right then what happens is you then re-portion up my big fat pig portion because i eat like an animal i get it for three yeah but robin obviously doesn't eat

yeah full your mom's here half the week yeah so sometimes she has yeah so i always get it for three but then sometimes robin's in bed so there is a little bit more yeah you know so what happens is rosie takes a photo of the portion and then she goes back into the pan and gets out my extra stuff. Big fat pig portion. Now what she does guys, the stuff on the plate, sort of, it was like a mince kind of thing.

It was amazing. Like a keema curry thing. It was incredible, right? It was lovely. So the stuff on the plate is sitting there. The outside cools down but the inside is still molten hot.

What you did was, I worked out straight away. You went back to the pan and you scooped what was left out the sides of the pan which had cooled down really quick because it's a smaller amount and you honked it on the top i then got a naan bread and i sat there and i got my fork and i took a little mouthful off the top and it was the perfect eating temperature and i went oh my god this is perfect eating temperature so i dug my fork right in not knowing that the

top had been booby trapped at perfect temperature i dug for it right and i piled it on the nan bread i hide the nan bread in my mouth the top of my mouth fucking incinerated hottest thing i've ever had in my life rosie i couldn't drink hot drinks for two days i've only just i've had a coffee this morning it's the first coffee that didn't hurt for two days and i'm furious with you wow right but also great yeah i know that i know that i've got no right to be furious with you you booby trapped it you put normal temperature food on the top

and I dove right in it's like in prison when they put razor blades in someone's sandwich you're a pig Chris you're a pig

you eat like a pig you look like a pig you smell like a pig no what like I'm not why barrel straight in because I'm hungry

because I want to wait 45 minutes I want to wait 45 minutes while you do a frigging photo shoot with it, man. You're a pig. Anyone else would have realised it was hot. You burn your mouth on food all the time. So I'm sorry, your beef isn't with me. Your beef is with yourself.

That's why I'm angry, because it's kind of with me as well. Sort it out. It's not my fault that it wasn't. You could have mixed it round. Take your time. Do a little tongue test you know do you want to use Rafe's little spoon

that's got the temperature on it You want to change his colour? There was genuinely one of them I got scented ages ago Stupid invention Ridiculous

Stupid invention because you don't know until you've took it off the spoon You don't know that it's too hot until you've took it off the spoon

so you stick the spoon in and the bit with the hot food on goes white but you don't see that it's white until Until you've dropped the spoon So you stick the spoon in And the bit with the hot food on Goes white But you don't see that it's white Until you take a mouthful and go Oh Christ No this has got a little At the moment I gauge on it

Alright okay I thought it was just the ones I'd changed It sounds a bit ridiculous Okay But listen Stop getting off topic Stop booby trapping me food Sick of it

Mate Carry on this way And I'll not be making you any Flipping food Is that a promise Wow Is that a promise Rosie

I can't face that level of danger anymore in my culinary life. Right, so on tonight, you're on your own, Ramsay. Tomorrow. No. No, because it's got a nice one tonight. I know, I've got the Asian pork. Yeah. No, nah, nah, nah.

Yeah, noodles. No, no, no, it's not a one. No, no, no. Honestly, you and your little mouth, you better look after yourself. Some ice cream in the freezer, okay? Good, good. Okay? Good. You have that. Will it all be cold?

Or will the inside be fucking boiling hot? Fuck off. Danger. Danger, Will Robinson. Danger. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public.

Public. Public. Read all about it. Oh, God. Questions from the public. Oh, she's got another thing. Great. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, it is shagmydenoid at gmail.com. about it questions from the public oh she's got another thing great guys as always

if you want to get in touch it is shag mydenoid at gmail.com please continue to send all of your awesome

stuff because we bloody love it and we can't thank you enough yeah hi Rosie and Chris I've been listening to episode 138

when Chris told the story of getting into a stranger's car to order a McDonald's drive through following an awards night

and I felt compelled to tell you both that at the age of 41, I have never eaten a Big Mac before. Wow. And no, I'm not a vegetarian. I was for around five years of my life, but no more. This is also despite liking all of the individual components of a Big Mac. It's not because it has anything in it I wouldn't enjoy.

It's just never appealed to me. Is this my mum? That doesn't make any sense. That is your mum. Is this my mum, Rowan? That makes no sense at all. I'm now so proud never to have eaten a Big Mac before. Proud? That is my plan in life to never have one. Okay, well, I'm going to track you down via your email and I'm going to tie you up and I'm going to force you to eat a Big Mac

and I'll go to prison, but it'll be worth it. She's called Heidi from Nottingham and honestly, Heidi, more fool you wow more fool you so it's got to the point now where she just won't have one just for the class yeah she's got the point

where she's like it's a thing yeah obviously got absolutely no hobbies I kind of get it wow having a right go I kind of do get it

in a way because when someone bangs on about a TV show too much to me it puts us off it so Big Mac is all I mean it's in your face it's like

Big Mac is like written into where it's written into the fabric of where popular culture so it is literally a huge huge thing so i do kind of understand it but at the same time i mean they're missing out i'm not even gonna tell you hard lines bigger fool you more more big mac for us yeah i'm like that with tattoos. Right. So I've never had a tattoo. Yeah. And now I'm at the stage where I'm like, I can't ever get one because... 35-year-old mums.

I've never had one. 35-year-old mums don't get tattoos. Some of them do. Unless maybe you get divorced and it all goes downhill. Unless someone's died. It's usually the case, isn't it? No.

A death or a divorce. Yeah, but you don't... People die in your life. You don't then just get to the stage where you go, well, this one person, now that's died, I'll get their name on us. No, you usually don't, people die in your life. You don't then just get to the stage where you go, oh, well, this one person now that's died, I'll get their name on us. No, you usually do.

If you're a bit older, that's usually the reason. You've gone your whole life without a tattoo, right? Right. And you get one out of nowhere. It's usually because

someone's died or you're having a bit of a breakdown. Yeah, midlife crisis is when people get them. Oh, what will I get? I always find that such a strange sentence

when people go i'm gonna get a tattoo but i don't know what to get you go i think you should hold off then that's that's do you know i mean like oh i'm gonna get something to eat but i don't know i want you might not be hungry yet then like you might not get a tattoo yet it's it's weird like it's a big decision that's why i've never got one before because i'm so indecisive i just think i'll get it and i'll change the line when i left yeah And all it would take was for one person to go, oh, and you go, oh, shit. Yeah, no, you're right.

Yeah, no chance. No chance. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I had to get in touch after listening to episode 138, where Rosie said she had stopped swimming when she started her period. Oh, okay, yeah. Can I just say a shout out to so many blokes on Twitter who went, yeah, we thought Jaws as well.

We're also stupid men. Oh, really? Yeah, so many tweets I got saying, I'm also a stupid man because I immediately pictured Jaws as well. I just know, I know what my mind's like and I know that a lot of stupid men

are as stupid as me. Great. I can't wait to sit down with our lads and just tell them all about periods. They're going to be the best husbands ever. Yeah. They are, you know. I'm going to have them, they're going to know everything. Discharge, periods. They're going to be the best husbands ever. I'm going to have them.

They're going to know everything. Discharge. Periods. Please be. Boobs. Not even out of the room. Can I be out of the country when this happens, please? Can I be in a different time zone? I know you're doing it together. No. I'm going to have a flip chart. No chance. I'm going to have pictures. No chance. The lot. I'll be gone. The lot. No chance.

I had a right May for my first ever period. Right, okay. I was 15 and with my friend at her dad's house during the summer holidays. Oh no. He had planned a full itinerary for us during our stay and on this particular day was swimming. Right. So you can imagine my horror when I woke up that morning

to find I'd started my first ever period. Oh, no older woman there, just at the dad's house. Just the dad's house. That is a nightmare. I know. I was too scared to back out because I didn't want to have to explain

to my friend's dad why I didn't want to go swimming. Oh, she could have just said she wasn't well. Well, you don't think of that, I don't know. Okay. And here's the fun part. Putting a tampon in for the first time, because as you said, Rosie, you can't swim with a pad,

so I didn't know how high a tampon had to be put in. Oh, crikey. So bless my young, naive little heart, I put it literally just inside. Oh, no. Sorry to anyone who has experienced this horrible feeling and is now getting traumatising flashbacks of that feeling. I, Chris, you don't know this, right?

But there is no other horrific feeling in the world than a half-put-in tampon. It is torture. Look at what you've faced with that for. I've got no frame of reference. It's absolute torture. It's horrible. It's horrible.

It's not in properly and it's kind of, sometimes if you go to the toilet, so you can put one in fresh and you go to the toilet and you think, I don't want to have to change it. But the wee will sometimes

make the tampon a bit bigger and it'll soak up and it'll half come out and you're kind of like, this is so uncomfortable. So you have to change it. Is it as uncomfortable as this conversation?

Or is it more? Maybe. Okay, I feel your pain then. I've like, if I was a tortoise now all limbs and head would be in michelle i've i've completely i've you look very uncomfortable i've never folded my arms this tightly i've disappeared inside i want to take a picture of you look at this is the tampon chat um she said here though she's thinking of everyone getting that traumatizing feeling but i win because i then had to swim in it swim with it in even it was horrendous every time i went

down the water slide i was manically checking around to make sure a tampon hadn't shot out and was floating around the pool i got through the ordeal tampon still intact safe to stay that day is burnt in my memory mother nature pulled a right blind around me that day thanks for reading guys of the podcast and that's from kim oh bless you well again you know i hold my hands up i know i joke and i say daft daft things about women being discussed i'm obviously joking just to try and get a rise out of you the stuff you go through you've got a round of applause from me every woman out there childbirth period the lot like literally from a young teenager just like by the way this is going to happen every month i've got a round of applause from me every woman out there childbirth period the lot like literally from a young teenager just like by the way this is gonna happen every month i've got a routine about it in my show and i know that sounds really strange but i can't yeah i can't really go

too much into it without giving something away but i do weirdly talk about periods in my show but i'm you know i deliberately take a daft stance on it but this time next week i'll have seen your show yeah you're gonna see me stand up show yeah newcastle arena saturday night still some tickets if someone wants to go but literally little tiny handfuls pockets of tickets and some resales if anyone fancies it hey chris and rosie as parents i thought you'd find this story funny and i hope you laugh as much as i have over the past four years although i totally cringed when it happened so let me take you back now y'all i'm doing the school run my stepdaughter is three and a half and she's at preschool i dropped her off on monday morning no problems and got on with my day

thinking about how lovely the weekend had been and how good did i always am that monday's come around so darn fast okay i finish work and go to collect her from preschool to be met with her nursery nurse who asks if I can come in and have a word with her. Here I am thinking another bummed head note. She's been told off today.

She's not eating her lunch, et cetera, et cetera. All the things that nursery nurses think need to be private conversations when all you're doing in reality is sitting on a chair

ten times too small for you with your knees up your ears getting bollocked by a preschool teacher for sending your child to school with a chocolate spread sandwich, God forbid. Okay.

I think she's a bit bitter about that. A bit angry, yeah. Anyway, thank goodness the teacher took me inside onto a said small chair because I think she possibly saved me from the most humiliating moment of my life from all the other mothers on the school run. I was asked what I'd done over the weekend and what my stepdaughter had been doing with a very concerned look on her face.

Right. I was perplexed. We'd literally had the most lazy weekend. We'd spent all weekend relaxing and watching films. Although I had to nip into town, Nottingham, at one point to take some clothes back on the Sunday, I explained this and said whilst I'd taken some clothes back, my stepdaughter and her dad

had gone for some lunch together. The nursery nurse then sat down and after a very long pause and huff, asked me why my stepdaughter had been telling all the staff and classmates that she'd been to the Pussy Club with Daddy. And that Daddy

had now become a member of the Pussy Club. The Pussy Club? Like a strip club? What? The pussy club? Like a strip club? Is that what he took her for dinner? It says in brackets. I mean, the kid could be psychic, as it turns out her dad couldn't keep his dick in his pants for shit. But on with the story, okay? Wow.

I was in shock. As you could possibly guess, the pussy club. Then it dawned on me. When her dad had taken her for lunch, he'd taken her to the new exciting cafe in town, the Kitty Cafe. The fucking Kitty Cafe. It's literally a cafe full of cats that walk around

whilst you're having your cuppa and jack potato. My stepdaughter had the time of her life and she loved it wow yeah that's great that's great yeah the pussy club wow did you enjoy that i did it was really funny yeah i mean i get cat cafes don't get it what do you mean don't get it why them cafes where the cats just walk around everywhere I'm alright okay I'm alright for it why is that I mean I've been to people's houses who've got cats

and you get the odd hair in a cup I'm alright for going to a place where there's exclusively loads of cats they can get away with it there

imagine taking your coffee back there's a cat at home sorry sir you knew when you joined the pussy club the pussy club is full of cats

the first word of the pussy club is you don't complain about hairs in your tea at the pussy club. The pussy club is full of cats. The first rule of the pussy club is you don't complain about hairs in your tea at the pussy club. And the second rule of the pussy club is don't keep your dick in your pants. No, the thing is, you know that I'm not a massive cat lover. I don't mind them. I just don't want one personally. I would rather go to the strip club.

I'd rather have my dinner at the real pussy club than the kitty cat cafe do you rather have a human pubic hair in your cup of tea than a cat hair why you gotta bring the hairs into it I don't think the strip has a cat hair depends what you're up for depends where it is

I've got sections can you not go to different sections can you not go I want to sit here for the hairy people and I want to sit over there for the shaved people I don't know i've never been to one i've been twice to strip clubs yeah not a fan didn't enjoy it didn't know where to look no no i don't think i've ever been have i been to one i didn't think me and my friend sarah went to one in grand canaria and we had a nice glass of wine but it wasn't very busy i imagine that glass of wine was piss water and i imagine your palates changed slightly is it i bet it wasn't very busy. I imagine that glass of wine was piss water, and I imagine your palate's changed slightly.

Is it? I bet it wasn't a nice glass of wine. But there's some nice strip, there's some posh strip clubs, isn't there? Yeah. Maybe. Okay, I don't know. Don't know much about them.

Don't know. They grow up. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I am a newly qualified midwife working in Surrey. Myself and my best friend, a fellow midwife, were reminiscing about our stories from work and thought you would appreciate this one. One day I was working on a busy postnatal ward and couldn't find our team of doctors. I asked another midwife where they were and was met with a surprising response.

I was informed the doctors had rushed to A&E to see a woman in a lot of pain. To my horror, I was told how a squirrel had run up the bottom of her flare trousers and attached itself to her clitoris. Sorry. Sorry. The delay was due to the wait for the vet to come out and shoot the squirrel. Fuck off. There's no way this is true.

There is no... Most men can't find the clitoris in the bedroom. You're telling me the squirrel found one on the fly. Heff the squirrel. Who's shooting? Who's shooting a squirrel? Just pull it off. All right, so...

At this point, a crowd of staff had gathered in shock, including a rather pale-looking paediatrician. It wasn't until a crowd of staff had gathered in shock, including a rather pale-looking pediatrician. It wasn't until a couple of hours afterwards and a confusing conversation with said team of doctors I realised this was a joke. There we go. As I'm sure my colleagues will agree, working for the NHS makes you develop a dark sense of humour.

Therefore, we're not easily surprised. However, the legend of the squirrel and the clitoris remains alive and continues to shock our new midwives and doctors each year. Someone's coming out to shoot the squirrel. So that must be what they do, though. Yeah. So this is the interesting part. So if you are a new midwife or doctor or nurse or whatever

working in that hospital and you can't find the doctors, they're like, oh, a squirrel's come in and bitten off the clitoris. There's probably a different one in that hospital and you can't find the doctors they're like oh a squirrel's come in and bitten off the clitoris there's probably a different one in each hospital do you think yeah there's probably a different bullshit story

that they're saying yeah love that you know what in a job like that you've got to keep your spirits high and stuff like that that's great

am I slightly gutted that that wasn't a true story I am yes actually I'm more disappointed than I am I'm really irritated actually do you not think it could happen

no I don't think so it would happen in a film wouldn't it yeah it would happen it's got Ben Stiller I was just about to say it's got Ben Stiller written all over it

oh my god yeah yeah Ben Stiller Adam Sandler yeah yeah yeah 100% squirrel runs up yeah great bites of clitoris

oh there we go squirrel on me clit which is weird because I normally go for nuts. End of scene. Honestly, look at you. Let's write the script. Look at you. Let's write the script.

Should we? Yeah. What are we going to call it? Deez Nuts. Deez Nuts? Deez Nuts. Well, like these, but Deez. Deez Nuts.

No, I don't like it. Okay, let's workshop it. What about Detective Squirrel? Jesus. Why Detective Squirrel? I don't know. What can we call it? Clit-a-nuts?

Hidden clits? No, no no this is bad squits no squits means you got the shit oh we could call it there's something about Mary clitoris it's got a squirrel on it

quick Mary's clitoris it's got a squirrel on it quick a-up gorgeous thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagman and Lloyd which is part of the Acast creator network

not enjoying them at all but there we go guys I am currently on tour there's not many tickets left for many places. Salford, sort of, which is weirdly a city

within Manchester. It's like a city but Manchester's also a city but right next to each other. I thought the same place but there we go. There's tickets for that. A couple other things.

Blackburn, I think but not many. Have a look on my website and the Smart Tour. The live podcast is back next month. We are going all over the arenas in all over the country. It's going to be awesome.

Last few tickets have been released. The last sections of the arenas have been released. It's very exciting. We shall see you there and we'll be back in the ears next week. Bye! Bye! Do do do do do do Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway,

the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca.

Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.