Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 144. Licence to snooze

Episode Date: November 26, 2021

On the podcast this week Chris & Rosie chat about sharing the sofa with Will Smith and Chris’ train ride after. There’s a surprise visit from Belinda Beef who’s a bit confused to say the least and the QFTP’s range from fetish weeks to missing contraception.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Marginoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey. Hello.

Hello. And we are fresh from the tour bus. Fresh from the tour bus. We got just out of the van there now, rolled into the house, straight up the studio and started recording the podcast. Are we like pop stars back in the day? We are exactly like pop stars back in the day. Yeah. Pop stars rolling out of there.

I've heard tell back in the day of pop stars rolling out of tour buses and looking up and going, oh, we're in London and not even knowing where they were getting driven to because they were off their faces on the drugs. I did that the day. I mean, we were travelling from Manchester but I was on my phone

and I looked up and I went, oh, we're on the A1. Yeah. And I didn't realise. Bit different. So it was quite nice. Bit different. Bit less cool.

Would it be nice to be in Paris? Yeah, yeah. You know? Oh, are we in Paris? Shit! Fucking pylons, man. Oh, it's the Eiffel Tower! It's the Eiffel Tower.

Oh, is it the Blackpool Tower? No, it's the Eiffel Tower. We're in Paris. Eiffel Tower. Yeah. Can we go back to Paris one day? Not, I mean, say back. We've not been together

because you didn't like it and I absolutely loved it. Didn't care for it. Been to Paris twice in my life. Once was on a school trip. You've been twice? Yeah. I've not told you about when I was on a school trip.

No? I got lost. Oh? Yeah. So what's it called under the Eiffel Tower? Is it called the Champs-Élysées? The Champs-Élysées. Champs-Élysées.

Not Champs-Élysées. Right. We might both be wrong here. I think it's the Champs-Élysées. Just the bit where you walk under. You can walk under the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, we might both be wrong here. I think it's the chandeliers. Just the bit where you walk under. You can walk under the Eiffel Tower. Yeah, we walked all that. So the bus has dropped us off at one end,

all the school kids, and then we all had to, the plan was, which I didn't listen to because I'm a fucking moron, was the plan was walk all the way up and the bus pick up at the other end, all the school kids.

And me mate stopped to buy a little golden plastic Eiffel Tower off one of the guys selling stuff. Nice. And then we were like, where is everyone? And we walked back to buy a little golden plastic Eiffel Tower off one of the guys selling stuff. Nice. And then we were like, where is everyone? And we walked back to the other end. And I remember one of the teachers sprinted down in his train and hasn't got with him.

We all had to sprint back up to where everyone were. And all the girls were crying and that because they thought, well, we're lost forever. Oh, really? Probably the coolest thing I've ever had to do in school, to be fair. Came back and was like guys girls girls dry your eyes

he's back man Ramsey's back don't worry about it stop crying I know I think they might have been crying about your friend what

was that the popular kid no mate yes you were not the popular kid no I was definitely with the popular kid yeah exactly

oh no don't even know what his name would be but yeah no I know exactly what his name would be but yeah no I know exactly what his name was I'll still know him now yeah

but not gonna dig him out on the podcast there's a couple of actually but yeah came back you know

the girls crying their eyes I was like put your feather it was like it was like we'd come back from war

it was like they're back there they are the heroes look at that gold Eiffel Tower they've got blinging

can you think of anything worse than having to go, if you're a teacher, having to go on a school trip with kids? Absolutely not. Absolutely fucking not.

Yeah, I couldn't imagine anything worse. Awful. Imagine that. Like, having to go around the hotel rooms telling them all to shut up and go to bed or they'll get complained to. This isn't your, why is she in this room?

This isn't her room. Back to the room. I think there was a lot of that going on. Was there? Obviously not my room. I mean, we were't your, why is she in this room? This isn't her room. Back to the room. I think there was a lot of that going on. Was there? Obviously not my room. I mean, we were all bed by nine.

We were fast asleep, meaning, you know, good lads. Wish I was joking. Losers. Yeah, I remember I came out

of my room at one point and got told off from the teacher because I'd come out of my room but I was actually only coming out to ask her if it was okay to drink the tap water.

Oh. I wish that was a lie what are you doing out your room miss i just didn't know if i could drink the tap water is it all right or will we get poorly no you can drink it okay thanks can you honestly can you drink it in front i think so i drank it and i wasn't ill but i was really thirsty okay not when you were a kid you never had a drink of water you don't remember all the way through your school day you never had a drink of water but yeah you're right actually very rarely do you get a drink of water ever now you've got well that's why i was so thin like i said people leave the people leave the house with fucking drums drums of water and back in the day we would go out in the morning and you'd have a fucking

panda pop or whatever for your lunch and then you wouldn't drink water for the rest of the day. Not at all. I don't even remember having a drink of water in the house in the morning. Can you remember if you took a drink into a glass, you got bollocked? Yeah. What's that? Put it away. It's not a cafeteria.

Fluids. Not under this roof. Are we still alive? I don't know. Turkey jettas, turkey turkey dinosaurs turkey twizzlers and no fucking fluids we should be dead I'll tell you about

the kebab meat that you used to be able to get from my school yeah kebab meat and pop just as bad with my school we would just walk to the nuke and just go to Gil's

and get fucking garlic bread and pizzas and chips and crazy god the beigest diets on earth you're so right that you weren't allowed to have a drink at school

well I spoke to Robin the other day because when I was dropping our son off at school I'd forgot to give him a drink on the morning're so right that you weren't allowed to have a drink at school well I spoke to Robin the other day because when I was dropping our son off at school I'd forgot to give him a drink on the morning and I went are you thirsty and he went no I'm okay

and I went can you get a drink at school and he went yeah whenever you want you can just go and get a drink I was like fuck it now the other half lives I know we got a bottle of lukewarm milk

at ten o'clock some pop at dinner time and then you had to wait until you got home if you wanted to drink again I mean there was a fountain that everyone had spat in if you wanted to go to that I don't remember I do not remember drinking at school you had to wait. You got home if you wanted to drink again. Aye. I mean, there was a fountain that everyone had spat in if you wanted to go to that.

I don't remember. I do not remember drinking at school. You had a fountain though, didn't you? You must have had a fountain in the corridor somewhere where you pressed it and had a drink out of. I don't remember. I don't remember there being a fountain. People pissed in it.

How did we hydrate? We didn't. We didn't. I do. This is a memory, right? I'm no word of a lie. I remember one time being really really thirsty at school and i was in an art class because i can remember the sink being just get arty and rank you know

that it's so ridiculous but i can see the way you've said it i can see the sink yeah yeah yeah yeah pva glue just paint all on the side. Like proper disgusting, like the art classroom sink. Don't tell me you drank the water that you dipped paintbrushes in. No, no, no, I didn't. But I used one of the paintbrush pots, the clean pots, and I made a drink of water and I downed it at the sink because I was so thirsty. And like you say, there was no way of getting a drink.

No, there wasn't. You weren't allowed. Chris, what the... Eh? Yeah. So bad. Crazy, Chris what eh yeah so bad crazy that is so bad

I'm really upset about that I'm just I shouldn't but I should not have just had to drink out of the the PVA glue pot

because I was so thirsty well you had to man it's crazy kids these days don't know they're born there's liquids left right and centre do you know when

you can remember do you know when you've been really thirsty and you think about having that drink fuck me that was a good drink was that a good drink

that was that honestly I can still remember it I mean it stunk yeah like you know your senses all get horrible the cup stunk

brilliant but it was bloody lovely well done I'm glad I could bring that memory back for you how fantastic guys as always thank you so much

this is the longest this is one of the longest it was ever done I know we always say that but this is fucking. How fantastic. Guys, as always, thank you so much. This is the longest, this is one of the longest it was ever done. I know we always say that, but this is fucking up there. I just can't believe we didn't drink. Look, get over it. Nah. It is episode,

nah. It is episode 144. As always, thank you so much for coming back. Thank you for listening. We love that you're tuning in. We hope you're having a lovely little time out there, whatever you're doing. And without further ado,

it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is... Black Friday Sales. Fucking pointless. Not a thing in this country. Pack it in. What? I don't know.

Don't know. What? I just sometimes save money is a nice thing, but I... No, I'm not talking about that. Call it something else. It's not a thing in this country. It happened because after Thanksgiving, on thanksgiving weekend no one went shopping so they did a thing in america because all the sales went so low it was literally black

not red the sales weren't in the red they were in the black so it became black friday so they said let's make everything really cheap to get people out on the day that they never spend anything that doesn't happen over here yet i get a fucking email every three seconds going Black Friday sales. Do you know what? They're not that good deals anyway. But we take on a lot of what America does. I'm sick of it.

We were joking about this and we were saying that in a few years, like probably about five, ten years, we'll be celebrating Thanksgiving. Honestly, mark my words. We will be celebrating Thanksgiving in a few years' time.

I'm serious, right? That's just another nice little thing on the way to Christmas. And to be fair hand on heart i would swap halloween and bonfire night for thanksgiving i would happily swap what little fucking turkey dinner little christmas little christmas practice thanks very much don't americans don't get me wrong i don't really know but don't they take thanksgiving more seriously seriously than Christmas? I think it's a bigger holiday. It's bigger over there. Yeah, I think so.

Yeah. I mean, it obviously depends on the individual and the family, but it's a massive thing. Yeah. It was both sort of founding of America and all that, but still.

Oh, we'll be doing, I know it'll come over here. Yeah. Well, do you know what? In all honesty, I started being really angry and saying Thanksgiving would be over here

and it shouldn't be, but I'd actually, I'd be buzzing for it. Fucking give me, give me Thanksgiving over Halloween and fireworks any fucking day. Yeah,'d be buzzing for it. Fucking give me Thanksgiving over Halloween and fireworks any fucking day. Yeah, Halloween, get in the bin.

Yeah, we've said it. We can't go over it again. We can't go over it again. But the Black Friday thing, I think when it first came over, it was, weren't people like scrapping and Tesco over tellies and that? It was a big quiz.

Now I think it's, I don't think it's as big a thing. I think it can just be a good sales day. Yeah. And yeah. Do you know what it is? It's actually, you know what? I've got a little tip. You've taught us round. You've a good sales day yeah and yeah do you know what it is it's actually you know what I've got a little tip

you've taught us round you've taught us round I'm actually I was annoyed at it and now I've always found it really fucking irritating that after Christmas

in the box and day of sales everything hits rock bottom and you go but I've just bought everything yeah it's actually quite good that you can get Christmas presents before Christmas

well there you go there you go right right I I for once I stand down and I apologize. Shit, the bed.

Black Friday. If it means people can save money before Christmas, okay, we'll take it. Do you want it? I'll have Thanksgiving as well while I'm on it. Yeah, let's do it. Do you want a little sales tip? Yes. So I used to work in retail, right?

Yeah. If you look at a tag and it's got a little pencil number on it, it's going in the sale. Right. Soon. Right. So don't buy that. Don't buy it now.

So wait. So wait. Right. Because I used to go around and do the markdowns because there was going to be like a secret sale in like a week.

Right. So I'd go around and in pencil write the new price on all the tickets. So say a top was like 34 quid, I'd go around and I'd write like pencil, write the new price on all the tickets. So, say a top was like 34 quid, I'd go around and I'd write like 26 on or something. I was not aware that I was married to someone who used to have this much power.

Oh, mate. It was seeping out of us. Should have seen us, honestly. I used to get on the bus and just push people out of the way. Get in. Get out of the way. Coming through. Mrs. Markdowns here.

I call the prices round here that'll be 120 please how much will it be in four days and Rosie got sacked for telling people not to buy anything

a week before the sales yes I did no honestly did you get told off well I don't think I ever really got caught but I used to tell people they'd be looking

and I'd go if you come back in three days that's gonna be cheaper wow and they'd, if you come back in three days, that's going to be cheaper. Wow. And they'd go. They'd come back, the size was gone.

Oh yeah. And they said, where's this top? I said, well you should have fucking bought it when you could have. Wow.

Are you listening to me? Are you listening to me? That was me evil twin. I'm 17 years old. Why are you taking advice off me? You loony. Wow.

What a way to tap out. Fucking hell. Right, this is the longest jingle on longest who cares listen we can do what we want wow

this is the introduction but it doesn't matter doesn't matter the jingle is just a little marker in the podcast alright man fucking hell

power's gone you're talking about how powerful it used to be it's gone to your head ever shout at me like that again in this room that was offensive I did a little

I got a fright and I'll be honest with you I did a little pump and I don't know if the microphone's caught it up or not picked it up sorry about that

but when you shouted at us I clenched and I did a tiny little pump you did a bloody pump before which I breathed in as I walked past that was horrible because you shouted at us again

every time you shouted at us I'd do it I'd tense up a little bit and a little pump comes out so it's your own time you're wasting here love well wish you'd just leave.

Wow. Well, here's the jingle. Here's the jangle. It's getting a bit strange, isn't it? We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab. Jingle! Jingle! Hello and welcome back. Hope you've all got yourself a little drink because you can now. You're a grown-up and there's nobody telling you what to do. You get some fucking water whenever you want, my friend. Honestly, hydrate. Hydrate, angels.

Go for it. Yeah, I'm still here. I didn't leave, although Rosie just asked us to leave. I didn't leave. I'm still here. Still going down. And guys, also, just to bang this drum again, thank you so much, everyone so far who's been sending

a message just saying that they've voted for us in the shortlist for the National Comedy Awards. It would be absolutely awesome if you could vote again. That would be so good. If you haven't voted yet, sorry, if you go on. I'm not advocating this, but maybe you've got another email address you could vote on. When is it on?

It's in December. 15th of December? Yeah, we're in Birmingham. We're doing Birmingham Arena that night on the tour. But, you know, if we win, I'm sure we'll get to do a little video saying thank you and that. I mean, probably. It was an amazing podcast. I'm just happy to be nominated for it. We'll get to do a little video saying thank you and that I mean probably it was an amazing podcast

I'm just happy to be nominated for it we'll get that written on a poster somewhere it's definitely my top comedy podcasts yeah in there

yeah 100% yeah 100% so yeah please if you could vote for us in the National Comedy Awards for best podcast that would be bloody lovely

thank you so much in advance and saying I mentioned the tour there's still a few little tour tickets available throughout December if you fancy a little Christmas night out annoyingly there is isn't there so what do you mean oh god i'm turning like you it was in the first leg it was really nice seeing that they

were all sold out and it's like wow but obviously these are arenas in the second leg there's always something yeah that's the thing people go to me they call it oh i forgot someone said a mate of mine the idea on instagram was like oh didn't realize he was on at the o2 was any tickets left and i'm like hi there's tickets left like you know it's on paper it's technically sold out because the way tours work when you hit a certain percentage you can call it a sellout that's why you know when you people do the edinburgh fringe or the adelaide fringe or whatever and you see they've got little rosettes for sold out show 2018 sold out show 2017 it just means they got over sort of 85 percent of sales all right okay but over 85 percent of sales in o2 arena for 18 000 tickets that's still fucking thousands of seats left um but there's

not way way over 90 odd we're very very close to fully selling out the o2 but there's always how are you man you've seen the way people book see if you if you want to come on your arm there's always a spare seat somewhere it's a fucking arena and as well we don't really mention this much but I think it's

quite important we have kept our ticket prices quite low yeah because the thing is I know myself when you think of going to see

a shortened arena you go right okay well that's going to be 60 quid ours aren't how much are they 28 but then you add

under 30 quid each of the tickets. Under 30 quid. So if that's been putting you off, then do not fear. Well, I just know that when I wanted to go and see stuff, if I didn't have loads and loads of money to do it, you know,

I wanted to price them for people who are in a situation back in the day. Of course. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. So. Yeah. We had an exciting week last week. Did we?

Are you joking me? Oh, can we say? Yeah, because this podcast goes out on Friday morning. Right. And Friday night of the same day. Oh, shit. Right, okay. We are.

Oh. Yeah, well, go on. If anyone hasn't heard it yet, we are on the Graham Norton Show. Friday night. Tell them we're with. Tell, we are on the Graham Norton show. Friday night. Tell them who we're with. Tell them who we're with. Tell them. Tell them who we're with.

Obviously with Graham Norton hosting. Yes. Very good friend of mine, Richard Osman. Yes, lovely bloke. On the panel, on the seats, on the sofas with us.

Yep. Lin-Manuel Miranda, creative of Hamilton, was on the Zoom. Yep, wrote most of Moana. And yeah, all the songs for it. Incredible. And on the chairs with us in the studio

in the same fucking room Will Smith. The fresh prince of ballet himself, Will Smith. Oh my god, I was buzzing. I've never seen you like that. I've never seen you with anybody. I love him anybody i love him i love

him when we left i literally i literally shook his hand and hugged him and i went thank you for being so amazing anyway it's a pleasure to meet you man and i literally that night at the hotel i was like i can't believe i said thank you for being so amazing well i'm not being funny he is like such a huge part of our lives from being a kid coming in from school watching Fresh Prince of Bel-Air every night to watching him in all of the films all of the huge films of our generation

we've grown up watching Will Smith and he did not disappoint he was absolutely lovely yeah his music as well I used to listen to his I told him

I don't think they'll even because I got a bit gushy but I used to listen to Big Willie Style that album when my mum went shopping she would go to Asda and South Shields

and I would sit in the car just playing big willie style it was great it was very very cool so excited and um i'm really hoping that we don't look like absolute twats yeah because we were very excited very excited i had a wine at one point at one point he was talking do you remember he was talking and i went to put my glass down and i whacked it off the glass of water and I was like oh shit ding ding ding speech I was like sorry and then at other points

I didn't know what to do with it so I had it in my hand and I was like do I just I kept it in my hand like I was just on a night out and I thought so you're just going to be

so it's going to the camera's just going to keep cutting you sitting holding a glass of wine because I held it for a lot of the time you can take the girl out of South Shields

but you can't take South Shields out of the girl but what do you do what's the etiquette out of the girl. But what do you do? What's the etiquette? No one tells us. Do you just have a sip? Put it down? Sip and put down is normally for continuity.

Sip, put it down, put it down the same place it looks so that when they're doing the edit, your glass of wine isn't bouncing all over the fucking studio. Well, I kept it in my hand for ages. Because I was listening to Will. Guys, I don't know how much longer

I can work with these amateurs. But also, can I just say, the sentence you just squeezed in there while I was shouting guys, which was, I was listening to Will. Guys, I don't know how much longer I can work with these amateurs. But also, can I just say, the sentence you just squeezed in there while I was shouting guys, which was, I was listening to Will, first name terms, Big Willie style. Very cool.

Listen to me, mate, Will. Isn't that how I will? Coming off a team. I was so excited to do the show because I used to do the warm-up on the Graham Norton show. I wasn't even a warm-up guy. I don't know if I'll leave it in.

But Will Smith, I told Will Smith backstage and he announced it on the show to all the crowd, which was so lovely. He was like, Chris used to be the warm-up guy. Oh, Will, he loves a success story.

He loves a success story. He does, he honestly, he loves it. He told us his success stories. He did, he did. And we told them ours. But he did, he was like, Chris used to be the warm-up guy,

but I wasn't even the warm-up guy. I was the warm-up guy when the warm-up guy couldn't make it. Yeah. If you don't know, it's quite a TV-in thing. So to quickly explain, a warm-up guy is the person

who comes out beforehand with a microphone and gets the crowd. She has everyone. Yeah, gets them excited, like a hype man. But comedians do it a lot for TV shows because you can tell some stories, you can get the crowd settled, get them laughing and literally warm them up, much like a support act. Doing the warm-up for that show, it was the easiest warm-up on telly

because they are so excited already. And you only go out once at the beginning. You do it and then you're done. But I just remember at one point, I did the warm-up on telly because they are so excited already and you only go out once at the beginning you do it and then you're done but i just remember at one point i did the warm-up once right and you really realize where you are in the pecking order of fame and tv when you so when you're a stand-up comic you stand at the comedy clubs and you're instant you're doing the head of my fringe and everyone's loving it big fish in a little pond well yeah well yeah that way but then you go a little fish in a big pond yeah you go to the Graham Norton show. I remember standing and I was telling a story. A story I used to do when I was on the Jeremy Kyle show.

I was in the audience for the Jeremy Kyle. Yes, yes, I've seen it. It's on YouTube. Yeah, and I used to do this big story about it. And I was busy doing the story and the whole crowd are listening and I lost all of their attention in one go. I lost them all in one go.

All of them looked behind us and I was like, Graham Norton's walked out. Tom Hanks has walked out. Oh my God. it was someone putting a glass of water on a table so they put a glass one of the runners put a glass of water on a table and the whole fucking crowd stopped listening to me and looked at the glass of water and went oh here's the glass of water and i was like fucking hell i don't like being a warm-up guy right okay i get it because they just they weren't there to see you no no not at all and even though they're laughing

they're loving it they're just like alright dickhead there's a glass of water there's a famous glass of water over there here's a question

do they know who's going to be on no I don't think so right okay because that was really exciting because he obviously said welcome

I mean Osen they were like oh yeah who's she we'll recognise him I don't know anyway that's nice yeah right

come on carry on who else and then Richard Osman came know who she is. Anyway, that's nice. Yeah, right, fucking come on, carry on. Who else? And then Richard Osman came out, who's, you know, fabulous. And he's a very successful author. And they were like, yes, very good. And then when Will Smith came out. They fucking lost their minds. Yeah, and I was like, yous didn't know this.

We knew he was, yeah. We knew he was coming, so we prepared for this. But yous, shit, this is, look at this. It was very cool. Yeah, Miami. It was very cool yeah Miami it was very cool very very cool day listen

it was so cool and I was so excited I haven't told you this story yet right so because I had to then go and check right is this the story

that you keep saying I can't wait to tell you this on the podcast you've played it up a lot apologies I wasn't going to but you've just played it up a lot did you and Will Smith

go back to a hotel and have drinks and stuff or can we say the next bit just dead quickly because do you know where Will went after us

oh he went yeah oh hi I'm eight so as soon as he'd done yeah that's really weird

so as soon as Will Smith had done the interview on Graham Norton he went straight to do his boot launch with Idris Elba with Idris Elba yeah condom free I hope

oh god can you do you think there is any chance at all that he went I've just done Graham Norton and Idris Elba went who was on

and he went oh these couple who do a podcast and he went oh they're putting condom puns Will you didn't speak to them did you

do you know Will do you know that they've been talking about a condom coming off my dick and getting thrown at them for two weeks it's just

Will are disgusting Will don't because I've honestly I've had anxiety dreams of Will Smith going yeah I was on Grey Norton

with this this like joddy couple like they do a podcast and Idris Elba's like alright okay am I listening to that it all tunes in

he's like these fuckers so he either tunes in or Will Smith tells him and he just puts his drink down and goes really sullen and goes, don't mention them when I'm here. Do not mention them again. I'm devastated.

They are. And now Will Smith hates me. Yeah. So that's shot when the fucking foot, hasn't it? Brilliant. Gob one and gob two. Absolutely ruining. We're bloody A-list celeb mates.

Well, just look. Don't worry about that. Put it at the back of your mind. Totally unrelated and off the back of that conversation who would you rather have a condom taken off the dick and thrown straight at you

Will Smith or Idris Elba we're not going to answer that Will Smith only because I've met him right okay so it wouldn't feel as dirty only because I know him only because your own

first name turns with him oh fucking hell why do we ruin everything why do we ruin everything Why do we ruin What if he What if he randomly listened He's not gonna listen Nah he's never gonna listen

He's not gonna listen No fucking chance But absolutely Definitely I will He smelled lovely He looked fantastic Nice as dude Looked like a really clean lad

Just a cool dude And I just think I'm He was lush So I was obviously on cloud nine Honestly Chris Let's just We're fucked aren't we

yeah we've got serious problems yeah we've got serious mental problems now listen right we came off the show it was really strange because I had to go

straight to Manchester to do Children's yeah yeah yeah we didn't see each other at all you got on the back of someone's motorbike I got on the back of a motorbike

there's things in London called limo bike and I got on the back of the limo bike I put my bag on the back and I'm still in the suit that I wore on Graham Norton and I'm just belting. This guy's just driving us through the traffic.

Well, we had to leave early, which was annoying, but at the same time, sorry, Will. Yeah, bye, Will. We have to go. Yeah, we're off. Because it's quite important in this country.

Yeah, bye, Will. I've got to go and raise some money for the kids while you're flogging your book with Idris Elba, hiding condoms everywhere. I've got to go and lose a real graft. Know what it't want to leave i was fucking gutted yeah i was gutted you won't it was you had to leave i just had to get the train back i felt like going to graham graham actually i can stay yeah that would have been hilarious i'm just gonna stay he's gone

so i jumped on this so literally i didn't even have a conversation with you no we didn't no we got off the show and we went back and someone handed me back and went your bike's this way yeah i was like bye love yeah yeah so up until like up until monday morning when i woke up at home me and you hadn't been in the same room together since we'd been in the same room with will smith which is really weird anyway i goes and richard osmond and i jumped on the motorbike and i went straight to the train station houston station and i jumped on the train to go to to manchester and i was all up a height and i had you know me suit still on and i like went and i walked down the carriages and i found it i found a seat and i put my bag down on the seat and i started getting changed right but i'm like obviously taking items of clothing to the toilet and i'm back and i'm forward and those

people sitting around isn't i went i'm so sorry about this i'll sit down in a moment i'm annoying myself i'm really really sorry i just need to get changed oh it's fine though like that's fine a couple of people like sort of smiling as if it's fine don't worry okay back and forth and i finally got myself settled and i sat down and i was still like on a high and i'm getting like videos sent from my management who took videos of of the set from backstage and stuff and i'm buzzing And the ticket lady came along, right? And I booked the tickets and I booked myself a first class ticket, right? For the thing so I could sit and do some work

and stuff like that and have a bit of food on the way up with children and eggs. I knew I had a really long night ahead of us. And you're a posh dickhead now. Yeah, and I'm best mate to Will Smith. So I go first class. Why am I going to sit in standard

with the people who don't know Will Smith? Do you know what I mean? With the people who haven't just smelled Will Smith. Yeah, with the people who wouldn't even consider having a condom for me to sell by throwing in their face why am i going to sit with them i've got nothing in common with them so i'm on the train right and the woman collecting the tickets came down and she went and i went oh there you go and she went oh no sir this is um this is a first class ticket i went yeah that's first class she went oh no this is premium economy she went first class is back there i went all right so this isn't the bit i'm supposed to be in she went no no class yeah she

went no you're you're supposed she went this is premium economy you're supposed to be in first class first class is back there um quickly or you'll miss the prosecco kind of thing right and i went oh okay and i picked up my bag and i was still so buzzing still on such a high i made a joke and it fell flat i put my bag on my shoulder and i turned to the people next to us i went i went so long suckers no you didn't not one not one person laughed not one person laughed so so long suckers and i like smiled and they just like looked at us and I went oh fuck

I was like I'm far too excited to be here no you didn't Chris I was too excited I was still up a height I was still in a performance mode

I didn't they just glared at us and I just walked up the train in silence and I fucking felt ill for the two hour journey oh my god I'm so happy

I wasn't there I'm so happy what what's the matter with you so me and carl sometimes do it as a laugh on the tour like if we're walking like if you you know if you get it i get i get it you do it as a joke not to complete strangers who you are then leave that is so bad i literally said i wrote it straight down i was like this is so embarrassing but to fix it i have to talk That is so bad. I literally sat, I wrote it straight down. I was like, this is so embarrassing, but to fix it,

I have to talk about it on the podcast because this is me therapy. So long, suckers. And then just like a couple of people looked up from a phone and a bloke looked like really confused and I went, oh fuck,

and I just walked up the train carriage in absolute silence. Did you get your Prosecco? No, because I had children. You do? I just had a, I did have food and stuff, but yeah, they were all from Prosecco? No, because I had children to eat. I did have food and stuff, but yeah, they were all from Prosecco and drinks and everything,

but I had to go and do children to eat rehearsals straight away. You wanker. I was so bad. I told the people when I got to children to eat, all the cameramen and that, they were bad laughing. I'm such an arsehole. I just can't.

I was like I come sitting up like turning back round and walking back down the couch and going look that was just a joke like I'm really but I know me

and I would have got to the stage of going look it's just a joke I'm actually really excited because I've just been on Dream Norton with Will Smith I would have just made it

a million times worse so I just checked out and I didn't even go to the toilet yeah massive huge massive balance so yeah very funny though.

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. It's time for What's Your Beef? Hello, Chris. Hello. Hello. How are you doing, Petal? How are you doing?

I'm all right. How are you, Belinda? Do you know what it is, Chris? I'm all right. I just wanted to come on. Wish you a Merry Christmas. Sorry? It's fucking...

Sorry? It's like the 26th of November. Oh, do you know what it is, Chris? I've just come out of a coma. Jesus Christ! Fuck, I wasn't expecting that. I'm all over the place. I thought it was the 20th.

What is it? Well, I mean, at time of recording, as we're speaking now, it was the 23rd. Not December. No, when this comes out, it'll be the 26th. It's November. Of November, yeah. Fuck me.

Yeah. How long have I been out? When did you go down? At dinner. What happened? I was walking along King Street. In South Shields. In South Shields.

Yeah, yeah. And a pigeon flew into the back of me head. Right. And I thought, fuck. Right. And then I fell on the metro line. Right. From King Street. So this is two separate instances. Two separate instances. So a pigeon hit the back of your head and you fell on the metro line right from King Street

so this is two separate instances two separate instances so a pigeon hit the back of your head and you fell over and I went for the metro

so the pigeon had nothing to do with the corn oh no he's just a little bastard that's just it that's just a little appetiser

thought I'd had a pasty but I didn't it was actually my handbag your handbag my handbag looked like a pasty so then I went on

the metro and I fell on the metro and I fell on the metro line and then I woke up in the RVI right okay and I've been out ever since right okay

but look I tell you what fuck me I look 20 years younger really wow honestly so you look 70 yeah

don't know are you asking me my age chicken little shit I would recommend it. Nice. If you fancy knocking back them years. Sorry, you would recommend jumping on a metro line to look younger?

Is that what you've just said? Belinda? No, I didn't say that. You're putting words in my mouth. Right, okay, okay. Anyway, I just wanted to say hello and I've missed you so much. Right, okay.

You know. Good. Got a new fella. You got a new fella? Yeah. He's lovely. Lovely. You might have met him.

Fuck off. He's called Idris. Idris? What's his surname? Ilba. You don't really know how to pronounce his surname, but he's his surname? Ilba. You don't really know how to pronounce his surname, but he's your fella. Idris Ilba?

Idris Elba, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, he's lovely. He's your new fella, yeah? Lovely, yeah. Well, I was walking down the street one day... Right. And I conned off... LAUGHTER

Very good. I looked at my face and I thought, oh, holy shit, what's that? And then there he was in his window and he's been at the bedside of my bed at hospital all week. Right. And he's bloody lovely.

I'll not have a bad word said about him. So anyway, I just wanted to pop in and say hello. It's lovely to chat to you and take care and I'll see you later. Okay, I've got to just... The dinner's... The dinner's ready, Belinda.

Bring it in, love. Bring it in. Okay. Spotted dick. Right. My favourite. Great, great. So long.

Bye. So long, sucker. Bye. Bye. That's nice to hear from Belinda there. That's lovely. Honestly, I've missed her. It's almost like everything that could have happened to her,

if she'd been on every week, got saved up and just said all in one go. So she's been hit by a pigeon, she's had a con in her face, she's fell on the metro line, she's been in a coma. She's been busy. Yeah.

Why? Wow. She's a busy lady okay great now that was uh that was brilliant yeah well done what's your beef my beef with you this week is and i touched on it on on stage in manchester last night yeah um we got a nando brilliant oh no yeah yeah yeah yeah we got a Nando's last night. And we were in the van ordering it. Our delightful tour manager and driver, Paul,

was going to Nando's to get a phone. And he said, what do you want? We said everything we wanted. And he went, do you want any condiments? And you said, Paul, my downfall in weight loss is condiments. There's so many empty calories in condiments. So I'm not going to have condiments. Are you sure? I don't want a pair of nares. Got a pair of nares. No!

None of them. No! And I went right, okay, well I'll not get any either in solidarity. You went thank you. I went thank you. Yeah. I did. I sneakily ordered a garlic pair of nares that I was going to eat in the other room to stay away from you. Actually came with my sweet potato fries.

When it came, you found it and you went actually i will i will have garlic peronias i've got a gig i will and you opened it you and i stood there looking at you and you fucking opened it and i went oh christ and then i like was eating like the driest like i had not i i do like a condiment so i'm eating sweet potato fries with nothing to dip in and i'm eating the butterfly chicken which is beautiful and lovely and moist but i do like dipping it in something so do i and i came through and i was like can i have a bit of that garlic peronese and you went oh you should have ordered one if you wanted one and i said i fucking did order one you just nicked it no you didn't order it it came with my thing the sweet potato fries and then i decided to have it no. It came with my thing. The sweet potato fries. And then I decided

to have it. No. So whatever. I knew it was coming with the sweet potato fries so I was like, I'll pilfer that because she'll not want it

because she's claimed she's not going to have one. But yet again, you're just fucking bullshit. I've got no willpower, Chris. Yeah. And I needed the energy. Honestly,

I had to neck bottles of water to let that blooming dry, dry stuff go down my throat like a bird. Sorry. Oh, God.

Do you want my before you? Yeah, but I've got to just say as well, it's up there with the fact that we're not allowed crisps in the house. I'm not allowed loads of stuff in the house. And I'm going to have to start hiding stuff from you again. Christmas is coming. So I'm going to have to, honestly. Chris, I just want to lose weight. But I just eat too much.

But I want to eat. I want to be able to eat as well. We've got a full December of tours here. Is this going to happen all the want to eat I want to be able to eat we've got a full December of tours here is this going to happen all the time am I going to be no well I've decided

that I'm going to be really good at home but on tour I'm going to go mental so we'll get all the dips right we'll get all the dips high five I'm going to eat all the crisps

and that but then when I'm at home I'll be strict okay deal deal perfect yeah

but you're beautiful and you're gorgeous and I love you thank you what's your beef so my beef with you is that you slag off anything, anything that you've not experienced, right? You will just fucking rip it to shreds, right?

And this has been my beef before and I genuinely thought you might have stopped doing it, but you haven't stopped doing it. No. I bought a packet of Fruity Mentos yesterday at the service station, right? Because I was being good and I was really hungry and I was like, what? So I'll buy a packet of sweetsuity Mentos yesterday at the service station, right? Because I was being good and I was really hungry

and I was like, what? So I'll buy a packet of sweets. I know, but... So I'll buy a tube of sugar. Well, I know. You're a lunatic. Right, well, fair enough. But you know them nutty bars and that

where they're like, oh, sesame seeds and almonds. They're probably better than a pack of Mentos, though, let's be honest. Are they, though? Are they? Calorie-wise, I don't think so. Mabel syrup and all that shit.

They're actually full of calories right okay okay anyway so i had a pack of fructomentos and i went i went paul would you like fructomento and he went i can't remember what did he have one i don't know if he had anyway i don't think he did have one i think i think he said no thank you and i said chris okay what i just i didn't know if it was possible to possibly touch on the fact that also on the way into that services you flashed your tits at Paul, our tour manager, in the middle of the service station. Is it worth possibly talking about that? I had my bra on.

Well, yeah, you flashed your bra at him. You ran into the services before him and then he came round the corner and you had your bra pressed up against the glass. And he shat his pants. He really did. I didn't see it and he couldn't... He was very quick at doing it.

You can be arrested for stuff like that, by the way. Can you? Probably, yeah. And he was inconsolable. Yeah. Yeah. Brilliant. He loved it.

Etched in his mind forever. Brilliant. Anyway, so I said to you, would you like a Fruity Mentos? And you went, oh, what? Oh, a Fruity Mentos? Oh, nah. Fruit and mint. And I went, there's no mint in it.

It's just Fruity Mentos. They're really nice. Well, I thought there's no mint in it it's just fruity mentos they're really nice well I thought there was mint in them well don't be so assuming maybe why don't you say Rosie what's in them I've never

why don't you say why don't you say I've never had one before what's in them I assume that they were up there with that stupid pink fucking chewing gum you get

which is disgusting oh it's not it's nice it's horrible it's lovely it's minging well anyway this is what really royally fucked us off so you literally you go full throttle you don't even go

halfway you go full throttle they're disgusting i can't believe you've bought them oh you're vile right i'll have one oh oh wow i'll have another one and i'll have another one and i'll have another one and i'm gonna punch you in the, Chris, because why do you have to hate everything that you haven't tried? And then when you try it, you really love it. And I know next time I go to a service station, you'll go, will you get us a pack of Fruity Mentos? And I'm going to go, you're a lunatic. First of all, I will never ask for a pack of Fruity Mentos,

because I still feel like it's pointless. But if they're there, I will eat them. So that's what you're going to have to deal with here. Much like, much like, much like a Perenese garlic fucking dip that you didn't order. So can we agree to disagree on that? Have we sort of got the same beef here? Essentially the same kind of beef.

Steelmate, truce, truce. Speaking of beef, we're having duck for dinner tonight. We've decided, we get HelloFresh obviously as you probably know because they sponsor the podcast a lot

and we're really branching out on the HelloFresh aren't we so we've gone premium we're getting duck and I think it's going to be delicious

wowzers quack quack babadoo babadoo babadoo bap it's time for questions from the public questions from the public public

public as always guys thank you so much for sending in all of your awesome stories and dilemmas and questions and everything. And please continue to send them to shagbrowninoy.gmail.com. We love them. Also, if you're coming to see the tour, if you want to send us any questions, if you are in the audience, then just kind of put the tour date in the thing. Yeah.

Just mention it somewhere. Because I just type in. That's how I'm doing the questions at the minute for the tour. I just type in where we just mention it somewhere. Because I just type in, that's how I'm doing the questions at the minute for the tour. I just type in where we're going and then I just see what comes in. God, we had a phenomenal one last night from Manchester in the room.

Oh, they were in the room. Oh, man. If you were there, you were there and you know, but oh my God, it was epic. Epic. We didn't dig them out though because it was extremely graphic.

It was unbelievably graphically rude but really, really fucking funny. Well played, everyone involved including you, Rosie for getting them all. Thank you so much. Well done.

It's nice to be appreciated. Alright, man. Crack on, are we? Hi, Rosie and Chris. I hope you are well. I heard your podcast with the great Facebook Marketplace

crow story. I've got another Facebook Marketplace story. I love these Facebook Marketplace things. They're just nice. I have personally been obsessed by Facebook Marketplace story. Oh, I love these Facebook Marketplace things. They're just nice. I have personally been obsessed by Facebook Marketplace

and have been documenting some of the best finds on an Instagram account at ilovefacebookmarketplace. Wonderful. Love it. My favourite finds were some handmade pairs

of duck shoes in different sizes in a house in Bulgaria. A few years ago, I was in a Facebook buy and sell group. A man, I don't know what that is. Like,

almost, like, was it possibly before Facebook marketplace? Was it just people who wanted to buy and sell things? Like, almost like just a round table of... An eBay page. Yeah, well, it just sounds like people who just want to buy and sell shit all just talking together. Do you know what I mean? What do they call it in America? A swap meet.

Oh, right.ica swap meet oh right okay yeah yeah yeah a man was selling a bike trailer which i wanted i cycled to his house with two friends on opening the door he exclaimed i'm not a criminal brilliant right he started pointing out how every house in the road had a security camera and that is why it is the safest street in the city wow it sounds like the dodgiest yeah but that's fine really safe if you are safe i mean if you have to open your door and shout i'm not a criminal i think you might be a criminal just putting it out looks like criminal oh i'm so sorry this is not about facebook marketplace right but fuck me this is so ridiculous i haven't

told you this yet robin um obviously plays on the ipad like most kids his age he had to delete loads of his games a few weeks ago because there was no storage it's actually my ipad and there was there's hardly any storage on it so he has to just delete stuff all the time anyway he went back on it the other day and he was like mom i want this game that i deleted i want it back and i was like well what what's it called and he was like, mom, I want this game that I deleted. I want it back. And I was like, well, what's it called? And he was like, oh, I think it's called Criminals on Bikes. And I went, I don't think it's called Criminals on Bikes. I was like, what happened?

And he was like, it's Criminals on Bikes. And I was like, the game will not be called. So he made me get to the search thing, right? And type in Criminals on Bikes. Absolutely brilliant. It was not called Criminals on Bikes. Still to this day, don't know what it's called. me get to the search thing right and type in criminals on bikes absolutely brilliant it wasn't all called criminals on bikes still to this day don't know what it's called it's obviously people on bikes don't know who might look like criminals it's good it's called mom i promise you it's criminals on bikes it's that uh it's that sort of you know like say as you see thing that kids used

to have i remember when i was younger asking a kid where they'd got a certain thing so something say it was a go-kart but it wasn't a go-kart but just say i was like your go-kart's brilliant where did you get your go-kart and they're always say like go-kart shop and you'd be like now i know there's not a go-kart i know it's not called the fucking go-kart shop so can you tell us where it is because i went go-kart shop great right well i'm obviously not getting that thing because you've got no fucking idea where you bought it pillock so funny so right here we go it's a street it's the safest street in the city yeah yeah no criminals i'm not a criminal i laughed and nodded along desperate for the bike trailer to just be attached to my bike why is this person so fucking in love with a bike trailer love is the bike trailer he insisted on attaching the trailer to my bike himself as I was a woman.

Oh, mate. Whilst attaching the trailer, his wife stood at the doorway, which prompted him to shout to his wife repeatedly, I'm not cheating, don't worry. Fuck. Oh, my God, he's the worst. I hate him. I'm not cheating.

I'm not a criminal. I'm not cheating, love. I'm not cheating. Oh, shut up not a criminal i'm not cheating love i'm not cheating oh shut up again i laughed and nodded once the trailer was attached i handed him the cash and was ready to leave happy that the interaction was nearing an end at which point he asked me how many children i had i replied i had none he was very unhappy with this exclaiming how many women with children had wanted to get the trailer i explained that the trailer was attached to my bike and i'd already paid i don't have a car and needed the trailer for myself he was still extremely unsatisfied wow after much debate

about my planned use for the trailer i was finally able to cycle away and have many happy memories with this great trailer wow yeah he was raging He was basically raging that she had just bought a trailer for stuff rather than to put her kids in. You've got to have kids in it. So I was being bloody cute. People want to take their kids on days out with this. Okay. Yeah, you are.

Paying the same price for your belongings. What the hell's it got to do with them? I know. What a dick. What a dick. So that was quite funny. And it says, I'm always astounded

by what you can find on Facebook while in a place and being able to access it all from my sofa must truly make it the greatest market in the world. I mean, she loves Facebook while in a place.

She absolutely is in love. I guarantee she's sitting in that bike trailer now typing that email. I don't even think she needed the bike trailer. Well, she might need to take stuff.

She's only got a bike to get around. She might need to take stuff places. You can put a bike to get around. She might need to take stuff places. You can put a suitcase in the back of one of them things. You know what I mean? That is true. They're massive. I've got one.

For the kids. For the kids. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. I bought it. I'm not a criminal. I bought it. I'm not cheating on you.

I'm not cheating on you. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Congrats on the TV show announcement. Oh, thank you. Looking forward to some decent telly. Well, let's hope so. Yeah, fucking pump your brakes, kid.

Don't be assuming it's going to be good. I know. Do not get your expectations up there because it could be utter, utter gash. Bring your hopes back down to earth, please. So we've got, this gentleman has kindly sent in a couple of stories, right? The first one, it's nice.

This is all right. Okay. Not that interesting, right? The second one, the second one is where we're at okay okay let's do it he knows the level of the podcast okay he knows that we're in the gutter and he's on board very much so here we go and so i'm not reading out the first one i'm so sorry it's lovely but it's just you know it's not for us disgusting story dot dot dot. Here we go. A few years ago, my husband and I met some friends for a drink in Vauxhall. We are all gay men, by the way, in brackets.

Yes. Where's Vauxhall? Is that London? Yeah, somewhere in London, yeah. Vauxhall, yeah. They used to sponsor Sunland, I think. Not the place. Vauxhall was a car manufacturer who sponsored Vauxhall. Right. Right, okay. Was it Vauxhall? Are you not thinking? Was it not the brewery? I don't know. Vauxhall brewery? I don't know. Sorry. Yeah. Right, okay. And I don't even, was it Vauxhall? Are you not thinking? Was it not the brewery?

I don't know. Vauxhall Brewery? I don't know. Sorry, anyway. Jesus. I don't know, anyway. It was on the strip. I don't know, anyway. When we arrive, the bar is full of guys dressed in leather and rubber, etc. Okay. Turns out, it's London Fetish Week, and they are all going to

a party called Full Fetish. Let me tell you what, you've got got people have just got such a better social life in London they've got a full week dedicated to fetish I'm sorry right

imagine a fetish week in Newcastle oh we've grimaced I'm sorry imagine what you got on eh what's your fetish

well mine is that garlic sauce licked off me back yeah my fetish? Well, mine is that I like garlic sauce licked off me back. Yeah, my fetish is an early night. With me kids in me bed. My fetish is the kids are out and I'm watching telly in bed. Oh, funny.

So there's a full fetish week. Yeah, full fetish week. Full week. Jesus, who's got the energy for that? That encourages guys in any kind of fetish way. Got you. After a few drinks, curiosity gets the better of us and we decide to go to this club. So we pop home to put on some sportswear.

Apparently this is a fetish too. Clever. That's a great fetish. Also... Comfort. Yeah, no, you're right. Wow. I love that though.

They're like, right, we don't have any gimp masks, but we want to get involved with fetish week. So stick your spandex on. I do have an Adidas tracksuit. Most of the club is actually pretty tame. Just guys standing around chatting and basically showing off their outfits. It's just a little catwalk.

It's a fancy dress. Yeah. After a little while, with the seal broken already, I need to pee. So my husband and I head to the loos. The club, in brackets, car park. It's a car park. Is made up of different zones.

There's the typical sex maze zone that's basically a dark maze. Typical sex maze? I've been in the sex maze. Oh, you've told us about it. It's just dark and people are just chagging in that way. The dark rooms, right. So there's a little sex maze that you go through.

Basically a dark maze and there's glory holes and sex swings with men getting fisted. Can I just say, the glory hole... Well, you own a penis. How do you feel about a glory hole? I would rather die than stick my dick through a hole when I couldn't see what was on the other end. Regardless of what promise of pleasure was behind it.

It's brave, isn't it? That is absolute... How anyone can get... Madness. That is madness. So ah nah no chance no chance i wouldn't trust the person not to do some kind of prank i would absolutely fucking not yeah you've got to be you've got to be unhinged to be sticking your dick through any hole i completely agree with you no way i think they they are the scariest things in the world.

Couldn't think. And you've got now to stick through it. No, I wouldn't stick anything through it. Like, just, oh, oh. Terrifying. No, thank you. Absolutely terrifying. No, thank you.

Well, anyway, right, okay. Are you ready? It gets pretty... Oh, come on then. Pretty grim. Okay. Guys, are you ready? Because it gets pretty grim.

And I'm sorry. We haven't had a really grim one for a while, so okay. We haven't had a really grim one for a while. If okay. We haven't had a really grim one for a while. If you don't like it, then you can fast forward. Okay? Don't do that. Don't do that. I mean, we know they'll stick around.

We know they'll stick around. Of course they will. They're going to turn it. This is your warning. Turn it down. Right. Okay, turn your headphones down. If you're on the train, the people next to you might be here, so just knock it down.

If you're in the car, turn it down. All right? Okay, here we go. If you stop at the traffic light, here we go. In the centre of the club slash car park park there is a zone dedicated to piss play that is rancid yeah go in with a hose hose them all down send them home and there are guys in a ginormous paddling pool no splashing around in each other's piss that is the worst paddling pool. In a paddling pool. Each to their own, I think,

but obviously this zone is where all the toilets are. But, right, no. So the fetish, I can't speak. So I thought the fetish was it happening by someone to you, not just genuine, what, just going to a public toilet and be buzzing, that I can smell piss. Well, it's people's fetishes,

isn't it? The thing I can't get my head around is some poor fuck are sitting when they're setting all that up blowing up the paddling pool that morning going, everyone's going to piss in this tonight. Yeah.

There might be the same one from the one that was in Manchester the week before. Oh, the piss paddling pool that travels the country. Oh, God. So anyway, we find

a couple of urinals and start to pee. When we look down and notice that the drain pipes all lead down to a bathtub where a guy in a gimp suit is laying with the pipe going directly into his gimp mask. Get him in prison. Get him in prison. He's gonna

be really poorly. He's gonna be so ill. Wow. He's just collating it all in his mask. No, and he's gonna be really poorly he's gonna be so ill wow he's just collating it all in his mask that's not in he's straight into his face he's gonna die

he's gonna suffocate but you know all I'm gonna say about this is these these haven't been forced to go here this is all for pleasure yeah they're buzzing

yeah you might think this is the end of the story I mean what can be worse than a guy basically bathing in drinking warm piss well what I didn't mention is earlier that evening my husband and i had asparagus for dinner serves the bloke in the bath right oh that's brilliant thank you so much

the one would be kept anonymous so i'm'm not going to say anything. Thank you for that. Never in the world. Thank you for enlightening us on the fetishes of the world. I'm so vanilla and coseted in all of that. As are they, I can imagine. Would have been interesting to go. Can you imagine? I think they were as horrified as we are. Yeah.

They're the ones who had to weigh. You'd literally be weighing, and you'd go, oh, it's gone. Shit, it's gone in his face. I'd feel dirty I'd be like I want me way back

give me that that wasn't for you that was from I want it back it's supposed to go in the sewers not all over your fucking face

stuff like this has been going on for years though and you know what at least there's a place that people can do it together what was that car park the next day

is my question what are fucking B&M's the next day I don't know I don't know. I don't know. I secretly... Brenda! It wasn't raining last night, but it's soaking round here.

What's been happening here? I secretly hope it's like... Smell asparagus? The low cost or something. Sticking it to the man. Yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hi, Rosie and Chris.

Just listening to episode 142 when you're talking about room service and minibars. Yes. On our honeymoon in the Maldives, we had paid our minibar and room service bill the night before we went home. Later that evening, we had an awful storm and didn't sleep at all.

So I decided I needed some chocolate and ate a Toblerone from the fridge. I was a little smug, thinking I was getting a cheeky $3 Toblerone, a tiny bar, not even a full one, for free. Until, dot, dot, dot. In the morning, we were stood with about 12 other people waiting to get on the boat to take us back to the main island where the airport is. When someone came over and called our name and our room number. I went over wondering what the problem was and they said, you've got an unsettled bill for $3.

Wow. So need to come and pay it before you get on the boat. At this point, we had zero cash left and I had to pay for it using a credit card and then do the walk of shame back to the dock and get in the boat. Stop the boat, we're going to trouble our own thief. Fucking $3.

It goes on here. This isn't our first dabbling, right? Same as you. Criminal. Hard and criminal. Proper criminal. I'm sure they could have let me have that chocolate bar as a small token in comparison to the amount of money we had spent over the previous ten days.

Oh, what, just because you spent loads of money, you want something else for free? Privileged much? You've got to pay for it all if you start just giving stuff away for free willy-nilly. I'm sure they will not have missed they will not have missed

that Toblerone I'm sorry that might have been the 400th Toblerone stolen that year fair enough I learnt my lesson

that they have eyes everywhere and I have never tried to sneakily have anything have something after settling the bill again

and it says there's like a little star asterisk here and this is the last bit here is that what it is asterisk it's an asterisk here, and this is the last bit here. Is that what it is, asterisk? It's an asterisk, yeah.

I also had an incident in Las Vegas at the Mirage Hotel. There were Mirage-branded bags of sweets, etc. I'd opened the label at the top of the bag and realised the world's smallest bag of M&Ms was actually going to cost us about $8, so I put them back. The only thing I had with me to try and stick the label down was some nail varnish, So that's what I did.

Sorry, you're on some holiday where you've got to get a boat back to the main island from your hotel. And now you're in Vegas at the Mirage. And you're whinging. And you fucking, you cheap piece of shit. You've opened them. Just eat them and take the $8 bath. Sorry and all that. It's your fault.

Yeah, so it says, I stuck it and take the $8 bath. Sorry and all that. It's your fault. Yeah, so it says, I stuck it down with the nail varnish, hoping that the housekeeping staff wouldn't notice before we left, as I would be gutted paying for them just for opening the bag when I hadn't even eaten them. But you've opened them, you big horrible fucking cheapskate.

You opened them. No, but she's opened them and then she's seen the actual size of M&M's and gone, I'm not paying $8 for them. She's opened them. Feel the bag. You've opened them. I mean, goodness. No, but she's opened them and then she's seen the actual size of M&M's and gone, I'm not paying $8 for them when you can literally go outside. You've opened them and you're in a posh hotel. You've got a few quid. No, I'm on her side, yeah.

Nah, no chance. You're in a posh hotel. You've got a few quid. My only regret of this whole story is that I would have really loved them to have got on the boat in the first bit and that it would have been a full-on boat chase for the total run.

$3! Like, fucking, what is it? Is it Casino Royale? The first Daniel Craig one where there's just fucking boats and he's just chopping other boats in half on a speedboat. Or is it Quantum Assault?

It's one of them, but yeah, I'd love that. Smell our breath. I want to see the new Bond, but I haven't got three hours to spare. I was just about to say that. I want to see the new Bond and now you can get it on Sky. see it. I was just about to say that. I want to see the new Bond. And now you can get it on Sky. You can just buy it on Sky.

Oh, can you? Yeah, yeah. Should we treat ourselves one night this weekend and watch a film? Rosie, when am I possibly... When are we going to have four hours to just not recite? It's not four hours long.

It's on for like three and a bit hours. And you know we'll pause it for all kinds of different crap. I would like to watch it. We're going to have to spread it over three nights. Oh, fuck's sake. That's our life. Really? We're going to have to spread it over three nights. Oh, fuck's sake. That's our life. We're going to have to spread it over three nights.

No, let's get... Unless you want to get childcare and go, why do you need childcare? Oh, we're going to watch James Bond. Can you look after the kids? No, listen, we can do this, right? Okay, we'll have dinner early. Tea, even.

We'll have tea at like five o'clock. We'll get Rave to bed at six, half six. We'll get Robin to bed actually on time at like seven right and then we'll sit down we'll sit down at quarter past seven right bearing in mind that's three and a half hours we're talking quarter past eight quarter past nine quarter past ten we're talking quarter eleven are you choking me quarter seven quarter past eight quarter past nine quarter oh fucking duck no chance and then you've got the intermittent of rave waking up yeah for his dummy and then you've got i've got to calm down i'll have to calm myself back down after what i can't

you can't watch j You can't watch James Bond then roll over and go to sleep. You'll be all bonded up. All bonded up. You'll be all 007'd. You'll be buzzing. Licence to kill, not licence to snooze.

Oh, man. We'll never watch it. We'll watch it when the kids are eating. Well, you know we'll watch three episodes of something that's an hour long. Well, yeah, but that's fine. No, we're going to.

Let's do it. Saturday night. We'll try. Right? I'm excited. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Please keep me anonymous. Dear Rosie and Chris and Robin and Rafe, but they don't want to hear this story.

So this one started with please keep me anonymous. Wow. I recently got the coil put in so I could start having unprotected sex with my boyfriend of a few months. Of a few months? Goodness me. You've only been going out

for a few months and you're getting the old coils put in and that? Well, I mean, I'm not being funny. Some people just have it in general. Okay. But it's unprotected

so you've got to... But yes, no, you've got to get to know somebody before you're just like, oh, let's just have unprotected sex. Yeah, but a few months, I feel, is early to get the coil in. Is it? Am I approved? Maybe. A few months. How are you classing a few? I'm saying two or three.

But do you know that the coil is just so you can have sex and not get pregnant? Yes. Yeah. But is it not a procedure to get it done? Not really. No? It's pretty, I mean mean i've never had one right but i think it's pretty tame it's not you don't you don't get put in that anesthetic to get the proper operation no oh well i'm a fucking idiot i thought it was like the snip but for women i thought it was like a full-on massive what happens i wondered why you were

taking it so yeah i was like oh they're serious no serious. No, so you just go to the gum clinic or the doctor's or whatever, I'm guessing. Like I say, I've never had it in, but they just kind of put it in. Somebody just puts it in, puts it up. Right. I wondered why you were taking it so seriously. Yeah, I thought it was a massive thing. I thought it was like, you know, I've been going out with my boyfriend for two months, so I've renovated the entire loft and made him a bedroom in my mum and dad's house. I thought it was up there with that. I thought it was like, you know, I've been going out with my boyfriend for two months, so I've renovated the entire loft

and made him a bedroom in my mum and dad's house. I thought it was up there with that. No. Okay, fair enough. Oh, yous know nothing, doogers. Yeah, I don't know what's going on. Coil, me, sounds like a booby trap. Sounds like a booby trap.

Come and have sex. I need a condom. Oh, no, I've got the coil. Oh, you want us to go in there, do you? You've got metal, metal prongs ready to come out like Indiana Jones. Like a game of mousetrap. Game of mousetrap. Game of mousetrap.

I'm always astonished by how little blokes know about what goes on with women. Coils and all kinds of bloody... Well, anyway, yeah, just it goes in. So, anyway, right. So, do you want to get in? Yeah. We were enjoying that,

but I was advised to routinely check that the coil string was still dangling from my cervix. Christ alive, my legs have just gone numb. Yeah, this is what put me off about it. Apparently the coils might be really good. I've gone numb. So what, there's a string dangling? There's a string.

Like a fucking bathroom light. What the hell's going on, man? That's awful. No, it is. Like, how is it dangling? And how does she check? And can you see it and can you not hit it you can't see you've just got to put your finger in and have a feel

for it i think i don't know what if they accidentally come why does that make you feel ill it's not any it's not in your body but i feel i feel like coil is a horrible word it is not the right word for it it's genuinely it's like a tiny it's literally tiny i think it looks like it looks like a little corkscrew they can be copper or they can be like plastic, I think. Oh, copper! Ladies, honestly, I've said it before and I'll say it again. The stuff you guys go through, big respect. You've always got my respect.

Thank you. Cue one afternoon about to perform my check where I asked my boyfriend to do it for me. Oh, romantic. Nice. He spent several minutes rooting around in there like a coin purse only to come back disappointed having not located the string this is a little bit intense after only a few months of going out together yeah what the hell's going on what did

you go and do right carrying on right i then lured myself up and went on a mission to find it. After several... This just sounds like the way she's saying it. It's like she's going into a cave. I put my helmet on with the torch on the front. I got my canary in a fucking cage. Cave-style drag. After several unsuccessful minutes down there, a few words were shared regarding a potential phone call to the doctor. I erred on the relaxed side and figured we could do a more invasive check ourselves

without involving the authorities. Bloody crikey, man. My boyfriend shot into the kitchen. Authorities? Sorry! Hello, coil police. Have you got a missing coil? We do have a missing coil. Send the...

Send the SWAT team. Send the string team. Come through the windows. Yeah, they come down on strings. They come down on coil strings in your window. My boyfriend shot into the kitchen to grab two teaspoons and a head torch whilst I lay...

He's really into this. For a joke, I just said head torch, but he's actually getting a head torch. Yeah, no, no, he's getting a head torch. And two teaspoons. Two teaspoons. I don't know what he but he's actually getting a head torch. Yeah, no, no, he's getting a head torch. And two teaspoons. Two teaspoons. I don't know what he thinks he's doing with them. I imagine,

and I don't want to get too graphic and disgusting here, but I imagine he's going to part the sea with them. Yeah, that's now what I'm thinking he's going to do. That is fucking... And then what? Someone's having a cup of tea the next day with one of them spoons. I know.

I'd rather go to the doctors. I'd rather go back to the doctors and go, excuse me, doctor. Why is this happening? This is the kind of shit that has to happen when you have kids, when you become more comfortable with each other. Not a couple of months in, get your head torched and your fucking spreading implements.

Oh, God. It's awful. Whilst I lay down on the bed with my legs hanging off the edge, he then attempted to open my vagina to get a good look at my cervix. These people are gross. He might be a medical student. It would make more sense. Yes, because I know, yes, in the second year of your gynaecology degree,

they do say teaspoons are the best implement to use. Make sure you pump the half-ads and get your fucking helmet torch jesus might be a medical dog is it down there yeah exactly what's going on bats flying out hitting them in the face although this was another fruitless attempt it did succeed on turning me on sorry yeah i share this with my boyfriend and we agree that having sex would probably make the coil reappear because of the aggressive jostling of my reproductive organs. These people are stupid.

The thing that we've lost that is metal and coiled inside me body. How shall we find it? Let's just stick his knob in there. But did he leave the head torch on during sex? I don't know, but I do not think that I would get turned on by you rifling through me vagina

with a couple of teaspoons and a head torch. Absolutely not. I can't think of anything worse. Absolutely not. I would be horrified. I wouldn't be like, this is, do you know, Chris? This is horny as fuck. Like, I'm thirsty and I'm turned on.

Anyway, it worked. The coil was found and we decided to never talk about this again. Yeah, well, and now I've had to just sit through it and that's just the worst thing ever. Great. I just don't know what's sexy about that. The spoons is really, actually,

really sad, isn't it? Were they cold or did he warm them up? I feel like they would have been cold. Just two teaspoons. I'm guessing it's in the winter as well. Because... Why is it in the winter? Just because it's darker in the winter.

What? No, I'm not being funny in England. Sometimes at half nine at night, there's light. There is daylight still. So why do you need... You don't need a head torch in the summer. This has been a winter activity. And that upsets us more.

I don't know why. He carried them teaspoons past a fully decorated Christmas tree I just I just find it more upsetting because you'll have probably had a jumper on

and socks rather than if it was like a good hot summer day and he's just having a look then that could be a bit hornier I can't get it out

it's cold and stale and horrible I will never agree that a man with a head torch on and two teaspoons opening up a vagina is anything but fucking

demented and disgusting and I'll have nothing else said on the matter fucking mental as always thank you so so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Mardenoid which is part of the Acast Creator Network thank you very much for listening and your homework for this week's episode of Shagmode Annoyed which is part of the Acast Creator Network thank you very much for listening and your homework for this week is

vote for us in the National Comedy Awards best podcast please and thank you tickets for the tour if anyone fancies a December night out are still available would love to see you there it's going to be awesome we're back on it and most importantly homework I don't like that you're giving everyone homework

come back next week. Right. That was nice. You were kind of it. They're going to feel pressured. Homework's a thing that you shouldn't have. If you're at work all day, you don't need homework. Just do whatever's going on.

You don't have to, but it'll be nice. I won't be angry. I'll be disappointed. Thank you for listening. We'll see you next week. Bye. This is the most heartbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder.

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