Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 145. Sorry Dad

Episode Date: December 3, 2021

This week Chris and Rosie discuss NFTS (!?), smart ovens and Storm Arwen. PLUS Rosie reveals a new listener! There’s some meaty beefs and the QFTPs involve some confusion at a funeral, friction burn and a pretty gross ‘would you rather?’!  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and

Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag My Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey,

and me husband, Chris Roomsie. Chris Roomsie, in the studio, Roomsie, in our house-y, with Rosie. Hello, Rosie. Hello, you all right? Hello, Rosie. How are you doing? I'm fine. How are you? I'm all right. I've got an ulcer in my mouth.

Keep getting them. That's annoying us. Do you have a bit of a blocked nose? I spoke to someone who had... Have we talked about how I thought vrugas had disappeared? I spoke to someone the other day who said they had a vr us. I've got a bit of a block nose. I spoke to someone who had, have we talked about how I thought Veruca's had disappeared? I spoke to someone the other day who said they had a Veruca.

I couldn't believe it. Do you know what? I really feel like they're just the childhood thing. Was it a grown person? It was a bloody grown man. I nearly said, if it wouldn't have been weird,

I nearly said, can I say it? Oh. Just because I hadn't seen one for ages. Remember that stuff you used to get where it was like the white cream you put across. The Zucca that Veruca? Yeah, and you peeled it off and took the root of the Veruca out. Oh. You dirty bastard. just because I haven't seen one for ages remember that stuff you used to get where it was like the white cream you put across bazooka that verruca

yeah and you peeled it off and took the root of the verruca out you dirty bastard it was lovely it's a video I'd like to watch oh verruca removal hashtag verruca removal we'll get them on YouTube

so good thank you for coming back you wonderful people do you know what we've been doing really long intros recently and we're going to crack straight into this here oh right that jingle is coming forth with

no you've got nothing to do with you it's got nothing to listen to me quite like a long introduction oh god okay what do you want to say no no i'm no i'm carry on no i just want to say thank you very much for listening yeah always coming back beautiful beautiful people it's episode 145 and i'm gonna roll in we're a very exciting sponsor this week i'll roll oh wow a real real fully blown sponsor. Very, very expitant. Okay. Very expitant sponsor. Expitant. Very expitant sponsor, Paschetti. Listen, this week's sponsor is... Yeah?

NFTs and cryptocurrency. No idea what you're talking about. Hey, get them on. Get it. Get some of them on you for it. Invest in them. You don't know what they are. You don't know what NFTs are.

I listened to a podcast about cryptocurrency in Bulgaria the queen of crypto or something that was good but do you not know no what are you talking about

Rosie I don't know what they are I'm scared what's happening I don't know there's things on the internet everyone talks about them all the time

it's NFTs I don't know what they are it's like a file but it's not a crypto you can mine it with a computer Rosie I feel old and scared

and I want floppy disks back. Right. People are spending a lot of money on this though, aren't they? I don't know what's happening. I don't understand it. No, don't,

because you're the one who keeps us savvy, Chris, and you don't know what I'm going to do. Rosie, I'm starting to panic. I understand it less than I understand Pokemon and I hardly understand that.

What made this come about? So, someone was asking now and then the pop-up and apparently snoop dogg's got some snoop dogg's got 17 million dollars worth of nfts and i don't know what they are like actual he has put 17 million dollars of real money no i don't know how that works i don't know how it works i don't know if he's got the things that so i know that they're called non-fungible or fudgeable I don't know which one it is

I think it's fungible tokens right and it's like a a unique file that can't be replicated like almost you know how like a bit of art you can get an original art

in real life you can get an original painting by an artist it's almost I think it's the similar thing and I tried to read about it and I got scared so it's not like bitcoin

it's along the lines of the same holy shit Rosie we're old. We're getting old. And I don't understand any of it. There's a whole other internet bank out there

that we don't know about. People are buying Pokemon cards for $250,000. And then they're buying... What? People are buying Teslas with Bip... Bip... Bip... I can't even say it.

So you can buy real things with it? I am. I think we are. Our combined age is 750 years old. Right, okay. I think we are our combined age is 750 years old right okay I think we are no well listen I'm quite cashless

so I'm quite cool right no you've got you've just got a card you've got a card yeah use me card and use the thing on your phone

you only just used that the other day but that's what I mean I'm one step I'm one step ahead of like me nana and that oh

who still uses cash congratulations you call you call me oh no touch out mate I'm cashless no but you know what i mean though if your nana if your nana knows what nfts and bit or bit or

i can't even speak if your nana knows what nfts and bitcoin and all that are i'm gonna cry she might you know honestly right bridget is proper sav yeah like she gets she's on her phone she's got the nana phone she reads the paper in bed on her phone right so she's on her phone she's got the internet on her phone she reads the paper in bed on her phone right so she's well up to date with stuff

she genuinely genuinely might it's her birthday today yes happy birthday Nana we record on it's Monday the 29th as we record

and happy birthday Bridget and this is a fucking long intro by the way I know oh god goodness me come on it means

Chris it means nothing it doesn't matter it doesn't matter it doesn't matter if the intro's long where you gotta be what we gotta do like we're on an advert we gotta bloody

make a cup of tea I feel like it might upset people I feel like people might be expecting do you know what I mean some podcasts don't have a jingle at all

well and they can fuck off personally how dare they do you know that thing where you watch I don't know

a TV show on Netflix or whatever and it has a really long intro and you watch it for ages and you're like, oh, and you forget and then the titles come on and you go,

fuck happened there? Like you're already into it. Do you know what I mean? Like Sopranos sometimes, some Sopranos episodes have a really long pre-titles section. I hate it.

You hate the titles? I hate the titles unless we make up a little song to it. Right. I skip them every time okay okay

I do enjoy a recap though you do enjoy a recap and I also enjoy next week which you hate I always skip it next week I love a next week

right right guys does anyone else have this problem when you're binging fucking nine episodes of a series in one night back in the day

when we would do that but even if you're binging three if you're about to watch the next episode if you're literally about to watch the next episode you will still want to watch the

next week next on because I'm like is it going to be good or not you're about to fucking watch it I'm sure we've

talked about this before but it's very irritating might not you still do it you do it with Below Deck you do it with

everything I currently am missing just being able to watch really serious stuff what do you mean? because

well life's gone a bit mental again I don't want to mention it too much but you know bloody click baiting we're being click baited off with tits because of a certain virus

and I can't concentrate and so we don't watch anything serious on a night time we're having to watch brainless shit all the time I've got so many dramas saved

in the bloody planner and I can't bring myself to watch them because I'm like my brain I can't concentrate on this because of the looming bullshit

that people are spouting left right and centre and we're all gobbling it up like little turkey gobble gobble gobble and I'm I am sick

I'm up a height I'm up a height two two years of a fucking life spent on this Gobble, gobble, gobble. And I am sick. I'm up a height. I'm up a height. Two years of fucking life spent on this bullshit. Oh, it's gone serious. Oh, God. No, it has, though. Listen, do you... Read past the headline.

Read past the headline. Yeah. Do you want me to... Sorry. I'm so pissed off. Okay, here. What? I'll get you a basket of NFTs to cheer you up.

Will it cost us... I don't have 17 million. I don't understand. I don't know if you can put them in a basket. I don't think you can. Will it cost us... I don't have 17 million. I don't understand. I don't know if you can put them in a basket. I don't think you can. Maybe an Amazon basket. I don't know what's happening. I don't know what that is.

I'll get you some... Anyway, no, I'm okay. I'm just... It's just... Do you want some FAQs? Facts. Frequently asked questions? Do you want some BRBs?

Be right back. Be right back. Remember them? Remember when LOL was the coolest thing you could do? Burp. My burp. Burp. I'll take... MSNs? Be right back. Be right back. Remember them? Remember when LOL was the coolest thing you could do? Burp. Burp. Burp. I'll take it.

MSN Messenger. Be right back. Now people are buying bloody cars with blooming floppy disks. Oh, for God's sake. What is it? I'm scared. It's really upsetting, isn't it? I feel old and out of touch.

And I Googled it this morning. I'm not the stupidest person. I'm not the cleverest person. I'm not the stupidest. And I Googled NFTs. And in the first sentence, there was six words I didn't understand. And I was like, eh, eh, eh. stop stop trying to explain the thing right by using other things i don't know like sorry if the definition's out there if someone's googling what what are nfts

guess what they probably don't understand all the words you're gonna use you're gonna have to go back again let it bypass you i can't i'm scared it's a trend that's gonna pass you by don't worry about don't they're gonna quote you on that's going to pass you by? Don't worry about it. Don't you dare. They're going to quote you on that. When all the cash is gone and we're all buying stuff

with blooming USB sticks. Oh, Rosie Ramsey from the North East quoted in the bloody next to Snoop Dogg. Yeah, she said this will be it. Yeah, he'll be

gunning for you after this. Well, I mean, we are like one separation from Will Smith. If not even one separation we've met him now.

Holy shit, like I am best friends. Best friends with Will Smith. First name terms. I mean separation, we've met him now. Holy shit, like I am best friends. Best friends with Will Smith. First name terms. I mean, I guarantee if we walked up in the street, he wouldn't know who we are,

but you meet so many people. Yeah, I know. I guarantee if we walked up in the street, we'd probably be tackled by security, but you know, that's that still.

That's so fine. By the by. Take me mind off anything else that's going on. Oh, just don't worry about it. Okay. Okay. Listen.

Listen. BRB. Here's the jingle. BRB, guys. BRB. BRB. Okay. Okay. Listen. Listen. B or B. Here's the jingle. B or B, guys? B or B. G2G. Oh, God. What's that mean? Oh, Nana! Nana! Oh, look at you! You know what G2G

is? You're basically dead! Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this isried Annoyed. I've had a little word with myself. I'm okay. I've calmed it down. I've calmed it down. I've got a big hello. I gave her an NFT oil robe. Oh, shut up about the NFTs. No, I gave you an NFT oil robe.

Oil robe? Yeah, like NFT oil and then a little NFT gummy and some NFT drops. You realise, right, that there's going to only be about 3% of people who have any idea what you're talking about listening to the podcast. So you are, do you know what you're doing now? You're actually,

you're actually, you're getting rid of listeners. I'm not even in that 3%. That's the worst bit. I don't know what I'm talking about. Right, well, nobody gives a fuck. But, but, but, but, but,

Mrs Angry Pants, the joke I was making there was confusing NFT with CBD, but you didn't even get that. So you can fuck off. You're supposed to be my bloody comedy sidekick. You're not even getting the blimmin'.

NFT oil, I said. NFT drops. I even said NFT gummies. We've just got some bloody CBD gummies. Hang on a minute. I got sent the CBD stuff, right, to me. You didn't get sent any

and you're Mr. Anxiety. Why did I get sent it? You've got more followers. All right. I don't think they care about my health. I think they just want you to promote their stuff fair enough

go back and over here I'll have a few drops now I'm done in you need a fucking bath of it by the sounds of things I know I just Chris

I'm sorry but it's like it's just it's just too much innit it's like you know guys you know what I'm talking about we're all living in this world

it's the clickbait it's the clickbait and it's just will Christmas be ruined is the headline. And you click and you read and you go, probably not because our vaccination's miles ahead of everyone else's. But it's the way they throw it out there. It's really upsetting.

It's the town crier standing and shouting, terrible news, terrible news, bad news, just to sell the fucking papers. Yes. That's all it is. Yes. Listen, listen. I know.

I just want to make sure everyone's okay. I hope he's all it is. Yes. And we all, listen, listen. I know, I just want to, I just want to make sure everyone's okay. I hope he's all all right because, you know, I think a lot of our follower, our followers, a lot of our listeners

are like-minded and they have similar opinions to us. That's probably why they're still here. 100%. We'll have lost people along the way who absolutely loathe us, but that's fine. We'll have lost people

halfway through this, I reckon. Possibly. But anyway, I just want to make sure that everyone's okay because it is, it's stressful and it's a lot for your brain and your mental health We'll have lost people halfway through this, I reckon. Possibly. But anyway, I just want to make sure that everyone's okay. Because it is. It's stressful and it's a lot for your brain and your mental health.

And yeah. Listen. Anyway. Listen. Yes. Let's not worry about all of that. Let's talk about the lovely, relaxing weekend we had. Oh, hold on. Oh, my God.

The fucking wind nearly blew me house away. That was shite as well. Like. What a weekend. What a weekend. It weekend there was a divorce honestly my sponsor was nearly the wind right what was the storm called it was storm but first of all shout out to everyone i hope everyone's okay i know there's been fences down and all the damage to loads of stuff oh my christ honestly all up all my mates were doing

my mates from south shields were just sending us loads of photos from facebook of people's stuff that are blown down so I hope everyone's alright I feel like we might have trumped everyone I'm not trying to be I'm not trying to be the winner of the storm but we haven't put

anything on social media yeah well we didn't put anything on social media because ours was actually the worst thing that could have happened but it was so fucking

lucky at the same time so we have got some gigantic trees in our garden massive trees that until Friday I wasn't really aware that they were massive trees that until friday i wasn't really aware that they were far too close to the house it wasn't something i ever thought about they're fucking too close to the house and i'm telling you they're all coming down in the next few months

yeah um but yeah so basically we've got a dear listener we've got a gigantic tree that just fell over i think it's a fir tree. It's beautiful. It was beautiful. It's absolutely, I mean, yeah, it's not anymore. Rip. Rip. It looks like a drunk fir tree lying in a gutter now. So, first of all, I always like it when sort of nature or the universe validates my weirdness. We were sitting watching the telly on Friday night.

We were sitting watching the telly on Friday night. Yes, yes, yes. Every bit of wind that happened, I was like, this is bad, this. And she was like rosie it's classic rosie's going what's the matter man don't worry man just be laid back like me nothing's gonna happen literally half an hour later the biggest tree in the world just fucking me so we just missed our oil tanks so we're on oil tanks because we're not we live in the countryside so we're not on gas we're on oil tanks it missed the oil tanks by lie, an inch. Chris, was it even an inch?

Not even an inch. I think it was smaller than an inch. It landed on your car. It landed in our porch. Didn't damage the porch. There's one tiny dent in your car. I managed to get your car out by doing an Austin Powers 1 57 point turn and getting it out. Yeah. Craziness. Did it miss the house?

Just missed the house. There's little lights outside. It even missed the little lights. Did it? It missed them little bollard lights that we've got on the drive. Just missed the house. There's little lights outside. It even missed the little lights. Did it? It missed them little bollard lights that we've got on the drive. Guys, it was the worst possible tree to fall and it fell in the only place where it could have done zero fucking damage. Thank you, Granda.

What's really annoying is... Do you want to thank me, Granda? That was Granda. That was Granda Jimmy. It's his favourite kind of tree. Every time I see... Every time I see a feather around the house and you say to your grandad,

I want to make you eat the feather for being a silly sausage. But somebody was looking after us that night. Guys, you heard it here first. I am going to concede that someone was looking out for us on Friday night. Don't know.

Jimmy lad. Maybe grandad Jimmy. It was our Jimmy. Zeus, God, Jesus, whatever you want to call it but oh my word yeah that tree could not have fallen

in a better place it missed the motorhome we're going to have to put a picture on somewhere so that people can see it because I I don't think people are going to believe how humongous this tree is

to the point where I keep like I keep forgetting about it yeah and then I go outside and I'm like oh shit that tree's still there

yeah it's it's gigantic. Shout out to my mate. Oh, yes. I'm even going to give the company a plug. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The tree fell out northeast. If you're in South Shields or any of the northeast and you need some trees to come back, it's called Simon. He literally, do you know what I mean?

So I text him, right? It fell and I took a photo and I went outside. I climbed out with a porch out the side and everything. I took a photo and i went outside i climbed out with a porch out the side and everything i took a photo and i sent him a text i was like mate are you available to come up on saturday i don't know if you work weekends but are you available to come up

and do like an emergency cut down of like i can't get out it's it's pinned the cars in this tree and i sent photos and i sent like four or five texts and he had his red receipts on and it was coming up that he'd read them all even though it was late at night i was like you see these in the morning you might be asleep but it was coming up i'd read them all and he wasn't replying and i'd written out felt so bad i'd written out a text saying mate i can see that you've read these can you please reply i'm freaking out and as then he started typing and his next text said 11 10 o'clock at night his next text said i'll be there in an hour with all the lads and i quickly deleted that i was like i'm the worst person you're horrible i am the

worst well i was shouting at you because you were just ringing everybody and i was like chris it's 10 o'clock at night like leave it i've got yeah i'm sorry to be fair thank you so much for coming up and uh cutting it back legend yeah and i went to bed. Rosie, I felt rescued. I felt like a damsel in distress. Not meaning this agenda thing, but I felt like a damsel in distress being rescued. I could have went outside and kissed them all. I stood there and they were all just chopping the tree away

and it was all gorgeous. Oh my God. Fantastic. It was intense. Really fucking intense. I really, really hope that we don't have another one of them anytime soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Big time. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. I've got to say a big hello to a new listener that we don't have another one of them anytime soon. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Big time. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Got to say a big hello to a new listener that we've got. Uh-huh. Me dad. No way. Degsy. Derek started listening.

Hiya, dad. Is he starting from the beginning or is he starting... Oh, I don't know. No, I think he's starting from the end. I don't know. He's listened to a few. Right. So he rang us the other day and he's like so listen to the podcast i was like i took

your fucking time sorry sorry yeah i shouldn't swear it's others off yeah whoa whoa we're not i'm really sorry yeah so derrick yeah you've missed a bit just wears like a trooper and uh and you know what now and then she's very filthy and also quite stupid yeah so get on board it's gonna kill you derrick because i know you're a quiz champion but sometimes it's gonna make it it's gonna make it she's not thick as shit but sometimes she just opens her mouth anyway he rang his and he was like i've started listening he went there i've got a couple of things i did walk in eight months raging i was like bullshit he's like he's like ask ask ask me mom i was like she's uh not with us anymore to anyone who's not under who doesn't understand that joke basically we we talked about the fact that uh derrick may

or may not have walked when he was eight months old no he's adamant he did i love that i love that that's the episode oh yeah I know he's raging and apparently as well he wasn't raging but he did say that he goes to a cafe in South Shields big up McAnally

in South Shields and I think the lass who works there listens and apparently every time she sees him she's like eee Rosie said this

like what the hell so he's just hearing all the fantastic so he's had to have a listen so welcome welcome to the party, Dad. You'll not be here long.

You'll not be here long. No. I'd be surprised if he's listening now. Yeah. Love you and all that shit. Oh, gosh. Yeah. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Listen, big news here. What? Very big news. So I've been holding off telling you this all morning. Oh. Ooh. All morning. Okay.

So we had a guy in, we're getting a new oven. Yes. We had a guy in looking at the... Oh, we're getting a new oven. I knew the... We're getting a new hob. Yeah, because the hob's broke. Yeah, the hob's broke.

We're going to get new plates, new ovens and all that stuff because the ovens are quite old as well. Right. Okay. We're talking about it. God, you steamroller head with things, don't you? I really do steamroller head and not just this. For God's sake.

Rosie. Why? But you haven't... Right. Well, I'm out though because you hadn't even... Rosie. Right. What? You're going to love it. But you haven't, right. Well, am I though? Because you hadn't even... Rosie, you're going to love it. Guys, listen to how much

Rosie's going to love this. We all know how much Rosie loves technology. No, if it's touchscreen, I'll lose me fucking mind, don't you, Dave? No, it's done. I don't want it.

Rosie, it's better than touchscreen. Rosie, this oven we're getting has got a camera in it so you can check what colour your food is from the other room on your phone. No!

No! No! I don't! It's not! How good is that? You can piss off. How good is that? Chris, are you taking the mic?

So you get the app on your phone and you can go in the living room and you can be watching the telly and you go, oh, has me pasta bake done? And you can quickly look in the camera and see how brown the cheese is. How good is that?

I'm not. Chris, don't. You haven't bought... I'll show you how to use it in that it's a minter isn't it right listen

I'm really sorry listeners because this is a moment this is a genuine moment he's not you definitely you better not have bought that

don't Chris I'm not kidding no I haven't this went better than I hoped it would so I'm not having a camera I'm sorry I draw the line no I haven't I haven't. This went better than I hoped it would. I'm not having a camera.

I'm sorry. I draw the line. No, I haven't. I haven't. The man told us. Oh, don't. Honestly, I could cry. Why did you do this?

This worked so well. I knew you'd be angry, but I didn't know you were that angry. So the guy said, oh, you don't want one of these ovens that does that, do you? I went, well, of course I do, but my wife wouldn't, so we're not getting it. It's not touchscreen, is it? No, I haven't ordered an do, but my wife wouldn't, so we're not getting it. It's not touchscreen, is it? No, I haven't ordered another one. But he just said that. I went, no, I would definitely get that,

but my wife wouldn't want it. I went, I'm going to have a lot of fun telling her that we've ordered that one, though, now that I know it exists. And he went, oh, great. And I thought, do you know what? I'll save it for the podcast. It's nearly killed me all morning, not telling you that. It's nearly fucking killed us.

Ah, imagine, imagine you gave me a toothbrush because it had touchscreen oh I'm sorry I'm angry for seeing I'm angry for seeing my phone for seeing me sorry seeing me food on my phone

apparently there's one as well I don't know I guarantee they're extortionate but apparently there's one that will baste your baste your chicken while it's in there baste the spray water

on your chicken while it's in there keep it moist Jesus yeah that'll break it's all my that'll break. It's all my brain.

That'll break. You're such a luddite. It's all my brain just goes to, that'll break. Yeah. That'll be good for about a year. I just love that. No, that'll be good for three months. That basting thing, you'll go, look at this. And then three months time, it'll break.

And it'll be like, oh, got to get someone out to fix it. And you go, well, what's the point? And then you never get it fixed. And you go, I've been conned then you never get it fixed and you go I've been conned there I've been conned into that oven and don't

I don't care there'll be one guy in the whole country who can fix them and he'll go around in a van fixing them all and he'll be like

I can fix it next year for you I want a knob with the buttons we'll just clip that up we'll just clip that there we go I want a knob

I want a knob I want a knob I want to put it to the fan assisted oven because that's all you use i'm sorry what what is the other shit what oh use half your oven what the fuck for i hate that you know there's four bits on an oven that you don't use when they've got the line at the top and then there's one with the line at the bottom i'll just use the bottom half of me oven why Use the full oven.

Yes, fair enough, you use the grill. I'm all right with the grill, right? Grill and the fan-assisted oven, that's the only two things I use, and the light. So all I need... Right, I need a knob with three functions. That's all I need. You need a knob with three functions.

No, I need the grill, I need the fan-assisted oven, and I need the light. And then I need another knob with the temperature on. And that's all I need. I want two knobs and I want a light and then I need another knob with the temperature on and that's all I need. I want two knobs and I want a timer because I do like a timer. Do you understand what you're saying? Do you understand on a recorded medium you're just saying it again and again

you want two knobs? Yes but a knob is a word. It also means a dick. I know it does. Sorry dad but it's also a word. I'm sorry dad. Oh fuck me. I'm sorry. oh fuck me oh I'm sorry I can't

I hate I hate it when they complicate they complicate shit I'm actually not looking forward to getting the new hob right because that looks complicated I watched a YouTube video

about it how many knobs do you want on the hob I don't want any knobs you don't want any knobs on the hob you don't want to lean over that hob

and get a good knob get a good knob dad it gets worse. This isn't even anything. You should have... I've talked about fingering and everything, Dad. Honestly. Sharon.

You might know her. She gets in the pub. Oh, Jesus. No, I'm not happy. I'm not happy about this at all. I hate it when they just complicate shit. It's like, oh, here's this. Can you imagine, though? Something that bastes your chicken. Is that real? Yeah, it's like oh here's this can you imagine something that bastes

your chicken is that real yeah it's real oh Jesus the camera thing fascinates me can you imagine me in such a lazy twat

that you will sit in your living room and FaceTime your oven no no like what are you doing just open the door FaceTime in the oven

I was like watching what are you doing in the other room fucking open heart surgery I hate the alarm I hate the alarm on the fridge That pisses me off Right

Got a new fangled fridge Which I didn't really want But Chris I love it Chris got it And he loves it Well that was it today The guy went

He went Oh I said He said about the camera In the oven And I went No I'm alright I went I love all that stuff But my wife doesn't

He went Oh you love all that do you And I literally just Leant to the side and I just knocked on the fridge door and it goes, when you're knocked on the fridge door, light comes on and you can see through. Ridiculous. Oh, what do you want to look at? Oh, me jars of Branston pickle. Aye, aye, I do. That's all it shows? It's actually really shit.

That fridge is shit. How dare you? No, it is because it's like, oh, look inside the fridge without looking in the fridge. But you can't see inside the fridge because you can't see past the bottles of stuff. I can't see what bottles I need. But that pisses me off about you. Right.

Because the fridge, we've got this new fridge, right? And if you leave it open, it starts beeping. If you leave it open for longer than like 10 seconds, it starts beeping. And you're like, oh, the world's going to come to an end. Well, what it does is it just gives you a nudge to go, you've had this fucking fridge open a while now you're wasting energy and you go all right and you speed up putting the shopping in well is it about energy though or is it about your food getting no it's about energy oh yeah because if you leave a fridge door it takes a long time to

get it back to the temperature again if you leave it open for too long hence why the glass is in the front as well eh won't you let your bills to be down or you wouldn't know how much they let your bills are because you don't do that do you i do all that right okay all right fair enough fair enough right he did okay no well you know eric she does this as well by the way she goes in really hard on something and then backs down and it's seconds later it's really fun to watch yeah yeah i'd not excuse me i live in a world where my opinion is water water is not water type at all You can change my opinion really easily. It's very much a leaf in the wind, your opinion. It's a good way to live.

Great. Honestly, one day I'm well against something. The next day, I'm buying it. Advertise me. Tell me about that oven again. I'm not in for it. again just a little reminder guys that we are shortlisted for a national comedy award and the voting is still she already knew i don't know why she's so excited and the voting is still open so if you can just google national comedy awards i'd say dot net or dot com i don't know what it's just

google national comedy awards and go on podcast and please vote for us in the best podcast category that would be bloody lovely thank you thank you very much will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever join the sunrise challenge to raise funds for cam age the center for addiction and mental health to support life-saving progress in mental health care from may 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca.

That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil.

It's all. You know, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not the devil movie of the year the first omen in theaters friday get tickets now rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock host the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m

you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7 30 p.m. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Before we go any further, we haven't actually mentioned the fact that Graham Norton, on the Graham Norton show that everyone's seen now,

Will Smith heard the story of the foursome on Wednesday. Do you think when that lady emailed us in, do you think she ever thought that Will Smith would be hoeing his opinion in on that? Like, how mental has it gone? There was a moment when I was sitting watching.

I don't think that woman will know who Will Smith is. Maybe. Yeah. No disrespect. I don't. When you've got that many foursomes going on

during weekdays, you haven't got time to watch her tell your films or anything, have you? She was very much at the beginning of the podcast when we just started. And I actually think

she thought we were going to give real sound advice yeah I doubt she's listening so she'll no I think we lost her a long time ago

I think we lost her when we went Fawesome you dirty cow and I just probably stopped listening straight away on a Wednesday the fact just the fact

there was just a real and we've got all of you guys to thank for this as well there's just a real strange moment where we're sitting on Graham Norton

and the Will Smith is weighing in on Foursome on a Wednesday, which is one of the first emails we ever got. Genuinely, thank you. I know it sounds so... No, it does. No, you know what? Thank you. We thank you all so much for the support.

The comments we got from that show were so, so lovely. And don't ever, ever think that we don't appreciate them. And we see them. We do see them. Because we are so appreciative and it's just lovely comments like people really

buzzing that our careers are going like well and it's just it's so nice so thank you guys honestly it cements my

what's the word here we go because there's so many dicks in the world just go ahead with it just ball in whatever word you think just say it

and we'll all have some fun. Realism? No, not realism. Brilliant. So meant my... Oh, she's going around. She's looking around. She's got her hand in the air.

I don't know. She's pointing at us with her whole hand. There's so many dicks in the world, right? Dicks or knobs? Both. Good. How many do you want? Go on.

Can I finish what I'm saying? There's so many dicks in the world, but there's also so many lovely people in the world but there's also so many lovely people in the world right and they're the people that I want to be with right

and that cements your realism you said not realism cements my faith in humanity cements do you mean it restores

your faith in humanity that's alright we've got the in the end guys that's the one everyone that's the one

everyone take five have a drink of water hydrate take a rest from that listen dad if you want us to come and join

the fountain quiz on a Monday I'm never far away you want to break that winning streak

Derek hey look beefs what well yeah I was gonna do a beef but I didn't think we're

going straight in the beefs because I've been googling because I was just wondering why I changed my mind a lot and I thought it might have something to do with us being a Virgo but apparently are going straight in the beefs because I've been googling because I was just wondering why I've changed my mind a lot and I thought it might have something to do

with us being a Virgo. Oh, fuck me. But apparently... Oh, God! Virgos don't... Oh, Virgos are worriers and overthinkers. Am I? I thought they were snooker players.

Huh? Do you mean virgins? I meant John Virgo, but fair enough. Good joke. No, Virgos their minds are constantly going it can lead to them

burning themselves out sounds about right but hang on Virgos are fiercely loyal and give 100% to their loved ones aye you better believe it but they won't be used

or taken for granted once Virgos make up their minds that they're not getting what they're giving they will promptly show you the door with little drama

that's true little drama fuck off ghost the fuck out of you with a little drama with little drama you nearly smashed this room up because i said i was getting a fucking oven with a camera in it so you can stick your little drama up your ass all i've said it before i don't actually think i'm a real i don't think i'm a virgo you're not i'm on the cusp no one's a nothing all of those those star signs it's just a little it's a fucking No one's a nothing. All of those star signs, it's just a little, it's a fucking review. It's a fucking four star review of yourself

that you want to hear. That's all it is. Tell me when I was 13 with my Virgo book, eh? Reading it every day. Right, good. Living by that Virgo book. If it wasn't a fucking dictionary,

you would tie yourself up in knots a bit less. Wow. Jesus. What's your beef with me? I'll tell you what my beef with you is. that Virgo it wasn't a fucking dictionary you would tie yourself up in knots a bit less wow Jesus what's your beef with me I'll tell you what my beef with you is and I've been

holding off this all day I came in this morning raging and I've had to hold this off as well so the oven I parked that so that's my life now

my life is I can't have a conversation with my wife because I go I'll leave it for the podcast oh actually well okay right okay right

well that goes on to my beef then come on carry on you heard it here first right read all about it you right read all about it Well, okay, right, okay, right. Well, that goes on to my beef then. Come on, carry on. You heard it here first, right? Read all about it! You, right?

Read all about it! This morning, this morning, your car is blocking my car in because we don't have a proper drive anymore because there's a tree on the fucker. So on my car, much like the oven we're going to get, I can go on my phone

and I can turn all the heating on on my car if it's freezing outside. So I can go on my phone, I go home, leave it in the house for 10 minutes, I can go on my phone, I can hide the heated windscreen on the back, the seats, the lot, I my car if it's freezing outside. So I can go on my phone, I go, I'm leaving the house for 10 minutes, I can go on my phone, I can hide the heated windscreen on the back, the seats, the lot,

I get in, it's beautiful, right? Your car, I've got to, like it's blooming the 90s, I've got to go outside and fucking spray antifreeze on it and whatever. But I actually got in your car and I just turned the engine on this morning and I sat in it for a while

and let it go until it cleaned and I got out and locked it. While I was in your car, I looked down in the glove, in the sort of ashtray a a bit don't know why they've still got ashtrays but i looked in the last tree a bit and there's a couple of coins and i was like oh cracking because i knew i had to take money in um for the school today for the bake sale for the bake sale for robin school so you said as i'm taking them in you went you got you got a couple of coins i went yeah yeah there's a couple of quid in your car i saw them in your car you went excellent i got to your car

right yeah i got i got in i drove to the school i got robin out i remembered i thought i'll get Yeah, yeah, there's a couple of quid in your car. I saw them in your car. You went, excellent. I got to your car, right? Yeah. I got in. I drove to the school. I got Robin out. I remembered. I thought, oh, I'll get them two pound coins out of the ashtray. The fucking euros, you dickhead.

I knew you were going to say that. What the fuck have you got euros in your car for? What the hell's the matter with you? Two euro coins. One's a one euro and one's a ten cents. And at a glance, they both just looked like pound coins because it was the gold side. So you thought...

Sorry, am I an idiot for thinking that the coin-based currency in your car in the UK, which has never left the UK soil, am I an idiot for thinking that they might be pound sterling? Am I a fucking lunatic here? Have I lost my mind? For jumping to conclusions that you would have just British money in your car that has never been on holiday.

You absolute fucking maniac. Euros? Right, okay. I get two pounds to buy the cakes at school oh your mom's a absolute stark raven maniac she's got euros in her car for you know if she ever decides to pop through the channel tunnel for a fucking ice cream and here she oh and here earlier in the podcast you claimed to be cashless but it turns out

not on the continent she's not on the continent she's got enough for a fucking game of an arcade I can't honestly I'll be fucking raging

all morning it's for when it's for when me and the lasses around the pool table cement was slapped and put it on the side no honestly I've got no idea why they're there I think what I've done cement was slapped and put it on the side. No, honestly,

I've got no idea why they're there. I think what I've done is put them on the side. I hear you. I hear you. I got them out, right? And I went,

literally, I got them out and I looked them in my hand and I said out loud, I went, I hate her. And I put them back. What, in front of Robin?

He couldn't hear us. Oh, well, he's going to grow up with a lovely little complex, isn't he? He couldn't hear us. So, right, okay, well, I've got a system, right?

So I know what's happened. I know what's happened. I know what's happened. So we went on holiday in July, right? July! What's happened is... It's nearly December. What's happened is I've had euros in my purse

or my bag, right? Right. And then what's happened is I'd like to transfer... You know I like to transfer things from place to place. I can't just take the thing to the place it's meant to be.

Right. So what's happened is I'll have seen them in my purse and I've gone, oh,'s meant to be so what's happened is I'll have seen them in my purse and I've gone oh I don't need them in my purse so I'll have put them

in my car and then I should really move them from my car to somewhere else but I haven't got to that stage yet because they're not causing any harm

in my car so you haven't got to that stage yet so we'll just do the maths but now this has happened no no no where are the euros now did you take them out

I'm not a litter bug right because I would have I nearly threw them into the trees, I was so angry. But can I just say, Richie Rich,

eh? Rosie, I can't go to the, I can't go to the bureau exchange that don't do coins, you dick. They only exchange notes.

Well, we'll be keeping them for when we're next going holiday. Brilliant, can't wait. Chris, give me that specific one

and I'm going to keep it. I'm going to buy something lovely with it. Why are you laughing like an old woman? I'm going to buy a packet of layers and I'm going to enjoy them. Packet of layers? I'm going to go, yeah, remember this? Remember this, dickhead?

And no, you can't have any wow so just doing the maths here so that's your system to transfer them from the thing to the car then move them from the car so this is July that this happened

so they've been in the car for knocking on five minutes now no because I haven't had that car since July so they'll have been in my purse sorry so they got transferred from another car there's a chance that they got there's a chance that they've been transferred from another car. There's a chance that they got... There's a chance that they've been transferred from one car to another car.

Have you got everything out of your car, madam, before we part exchange? And where's me Euros? Where's me two Euro kinds that I take with us? All over England. And the worst bit was, I told two of the mums in school, who I know, I was standing talking to the mums, and I told them was I told two of the mums in school

who I know I was standing talking to the mums and I told them I went because one of them said I forgot me pounds and the other one

oh I've got some if you want them I went oh it's fine I said she's got I thought there was pounds I was booking euros on her car and one of them went

they'll be for trolleys I went they won't you know she doesn't work like that I went they will not be for trolleys they'll just be two euros in her car for no fucking reason

and I was right no she's right no they all are for trolleys there'll just be two euros in a car for no fucking reason and I was right no she's right no they are for trolleys I'm a mess I'm a mess man honestly we've got

burgos we've got too much on our mind you're fucking sticking up your arse stick me in a burgo up your arse watch your beef if you dare

what's your beef with me how if you can dare have any problem with me after the trauma I've gone through today my beef with you is you

currently love just cutting me off all the time what so at the minute yeah oh yeah yeah yeah at the minute if i'm talking right about something you mr fucking arsehole you currently just go come and watch this yeah or come come and go here it's very dismissive okay it's really horrible you've only started doing it just recently okay okay okay okay okay can i elaborate so you've Or, come and go here. It's very dismissive. Okay. It's really horrible.

You've only started doing it just recently. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Can I elaborate? So, you've said, come and watch this, right? You said, come and go here. Now, the come and go here is the one I want to come back to. Is it because you've got hot food? No.

The come and go here is the one I want to come back to. I don't know if it's hot or not. I'll just check the camera and see if it's brown or not in the oven. No, because you did it last night when you were waiting for your tea. But I was just saying something and you just cut us off right okay so i'm not gonna so no one's gonna be on board with us the first time but then by the second one i think everyone's gonna be on board so dad dad dad dad dad are you listening listen you will you will start a conversation a very meaningful conversation uh and you will go round and round and round and round the houses and by the time we've gone around the houses three or four times

and we're sitting with fucking Tiger King paused for an hour, I go can we just watch this because the whole night has just been eating into because we're just talking about this again and again and again. The can we'll go here on is always bed it's always, we turn the teller off, we get ready to go and much like when you whip your phone

out and start just going on your phone for no reason, you're like literally, like it's always we turn the teller off we get ready to go and much like when you whip your phone out and start just going on your phone for no reason you're like literally like it's almost like we go she'll go to bed and you stop in the doorway downstairs and go what do you think happens when you die and i've gone like oh god i honestly can we just go to bed you stop you stop we're in the most ridiculous places right okay well i'll tell you what let's not talk to each other anymore can i shake your hand on that come over here yeah should we do it now should we stop should we stop the podcast is that a promise no this is this is work no but then the rest of the time look you see me in these corridors right so is that all we are now you see all we are now yes colleagues yeah you see me in

these corridors of this house right just nod just nod i'll see you morning or afternoon and just go about your day right and i'll go about my day and i'll see you back in the morning or afternoon and just go about your day, right? And I'll go about my day. Wow. And I'll see you back in the studio every week and we'll talk about what's going on. Is that it now? I'm sorry, I felt really sad saying that. Right, look, I'm sorry, but sometimes you got... Listen, Rosie, right? You're going on a bit.

Sometimes you're going on a bit. Sometimes we've got, you know, by the time I've seen the fucking screensaver on Netflix 55 times telling you season two coming soon, such and such streaming now. You know, the screensaver on Netflix 55 times telling you season two coming soon, such and such, streaming now. You know, the screensaver that's on because people pause Netflix and burn the fucking tubes of their telly

while they're shagging. So the screensaver that's there for them. By the time I've seen that the 50th time, while you're rolling over the same thing we've just talked about loads of times and not come to any conclusion, I want to just crack on because it's me night time and I'm knackered.

Wow. Right? Wow. Yeah. Well. Well what? Wow. Yeah. Well. Well what? Well, nothing. I've got nothing to say.

Don't you be thinking you'll get any sort of conversation out of me ever again. Right. Again. Can I get that in writing? Yep. Is that a promise? Yep, yep, yep. Fantastic.

Right. Can't wait. Yep. Yep. Great. So what's the rest of this podcast in 20 minutes of silence God knows

20 minutes of silence God knows let's carry on how when you've said you've been taught I'll do the questions but don't think I'll be elaborating

on anything you'll get what's written down and nothing else look I'm sorry babadoo babadoo babadoo bah I'm sorry bah stop thatadoo, babadoo, babadoo, ba.

I'm sorry. Ba. Ba. Stop that. Don't you babadoo ba me. I'm babadoo babadoo ba. Listen. I look like a toddler.

All right. All right. But sometimes when it's time to go to bed, just. You're just so fucking anal. You're so anal. Like, you're like an eight year old boy yeah well we said we're going to bed

why because I want to go to bed I want to have a conversation but I want to go to fucking bed Toto was in bed Toto was in bed we're about to go and lie down next to each other

why we're having a conversation downstairs in the fucking hallway and I'm normally holding a shit load of plates like you've had stuff off wrappers and fucking cups

three glasses of juice balls and fucking bits of cake stop it we need to carry on because we're going to fall out aye aye aye aye babadoo babadoo

aye babadoo ba yourself eh babadoo ba right up your arse love up your arse babadoo babadoo babadoo ba it's time for questions from the public oh no you're not oh you're not oh so i just don't want to over just want don't want to talk too much chris no it's not wanna make you upset by okay so you going public you're putting that up on the same level as your general conversation

because i would agree mrs gobbledygook guys as always if you want to get in touch at shagmoudanoid at gmail.com send your beefs send your questions send your dilemmas send your stories keep sending everything we literally i mean we could do the podcast without it but it wouldn't be as fun no send your stories for the two as as well yes please some amazing stuff for that uh hi chris and Rosie, please keep me anonymous. Always. Just wanted to tell you a very short story that still boils my blood to this day. Fantastic.

In 2015, I went to my cousin's wedding. We haven't been to a wedding for ages. No, we haven't. No. Avoiding anything social at the minute like the bloody plague. Just so we can do the tours. So we can do the tours and not catch bloody Yina Watch. Yina Watch! Anyway, in 2015 at the minute, like the bloody plague. Just so we can do the two of us. So we can do the two of us and not catch bloody... Yeena, watch!

Yeena, watch! Anyway, in 2015, I went to my cousin's wedding. It's good to know that the bride and groom have low funds and three children. Okay, so...

That's good to know. Well, it's not good to know. I think she just... I think she means... A wedding on a budget? No. It's good to know for the story. Sorry.

But it was a wedding on a budget is what she's trying to say for the story. Yeah, they've got low funds and they've got three children right okay yeah just for the for this right for context yes right so basically she's not saying it's not a lavish bloody well it's nothing right yeah i know it doesn't she's just saying for the story would you listen to this story no no all i want to do is i want to thank her in advance for flagging that up because she may have went straight in with something and i might start slagging things off Would you listen to the story? No, no. All I want to do is I want to thank her in advance for flagging that up because she may have went straight in with something

and I might have started slagging things off. Well, exactly. But now I know that it's... So now you know. Okay. Yeah. Yeah. During the speeches,

my cousin's best man revealed that he had booked them a surprise night away in a luxury hotel for after the wedding. Oh, wow. I know. In practice, it says they couldn't afford anyway and they were just going to go home. Oh, that's nice.

So that's fab, isn't it? That's good. This was such a lovely idea and everyone was so happy for them. Until later that night, when the best man went round with his hat, asking for money to pay towards the stage. I knew you were going to say that. I knew you were going to say that. And it says, we'd already given them a gift and paid to get there, etc, etc.

I couldn't believe he was asking people to pay for this gift to them as well. It gets better. He hadn't arranged anybody to look after the children, so he had to go round the room begging people to take them home. Oh my god! This man flies by the seat of his pants! So, it says, we ended the night 20 pounds

less off than I wanted to be and with a child! Couldn't bloody believe his cheek! So it says we ended the night 20 pounds less off than I wanted to be. And with two children. And with a child. Couldn't bloody believe his cheek. Wow. Ended up with 20 quid less off than one of the kids. So he didn't even go around earlier and say, look, I'm planning on doing this. Does everyone want to chip in?

No. Or plan it in advance? He said it and then walked around the house going, well, I've said it now. So do you want to ruin the night? Part of me thinks, right? So they look through hotels around here. Part of me thinks that couple's in on it.

Do you reckon? Yeah, they'll have their bags packed. That's not a bad idea. So how's she getting home tomorrow? In her dress? Yeah. Howare? Who's farming their kids off

to random people at their wedding as well, by the way? That's hilarious. One go there, you go with them, you go there. Wow. Love it. Yeah. They may have been in they may have been i think that would be planned and they'll be like what is what a surprise wow what a surprise wow what a surprise we've got the bags packed already look

at this oh all of our children have their toothbrushes with them they take them everywhere or like that advice the mom give always take your toothbrush on a night out start them young babadoo babadoo babadoo hiya Chris and Rosie I discovered the podcast about two weeks ago and I'm already up to date

what crikey get a job yeah wow I know that's a lot innit thank you for all the laughs and pulls

which I have extended to my friends and family get in my boyfriend and I got together just before lockdown 2.0. I'm sorry. Using lockdown now as frames of references is starting to really get on my tit ends. It's going to happen. It's starting to really.

Lockdown 2. It's like it's now a frame of reference. I was doing my tits in. I know, but it's a big part of history. I was doing my tits in. Sorry to do my tits in. It's a stay I would just do my tits in I know but it's a big part of history just do my tits in sorry do my tits in it's a stay safe

started doing my tits in after about three days new normal did my tits in instantaneously oh god oh stay safe alright man

like I I was gonna I was gonna I was gonna stay safe yeah like what did you think I was just gonna go fucking parachuting

like jumping fucking jumping in front of the car. I was ganny. Swimming with the sharks this afternoon. Stay safe. I live me life being careful. It's how I'll survive. Anyway, carry on.

Anyway, my boyfriend and I got together just before lockdown 2.0. So we decided to move into my one bed flat together so we didn't have to be apart. Got you. Oh, that's cute. However, this meant we had a short-lived honeymoon period as we had to get comfortable with the idea that each other fart, poo and have smelly morning breath very quickly.

Got you. Yeah. As we were together 24-7. We're both very relaxed people so it didn't take long for me to be farting on him mid-spoon or him to leave the door open whilst having a big smelly shit. Fantastic. Great.

That's how it sets its life. Tis life. Tis life. Anyway, to pass the time, we asked each other lots of questions about life experiences, date stories and embarrassing moments, etc. Wonderful. Wonderful. Very good way to break the ice of a relationship.

Should have recorded it. It sounds like a podcast, but yeah. I am an incredibly socially awkward person, Very good way to break the ice of a relationship. Should have recorded it. Sounds like a podcast, but yeah. I am an incredibly socially awkward person, so I have plenty of these stories. Mint. I told him all my embarrassing stories, and for some reason, he still loves me.

But the one I'm about to recall, he said, this was too good not to share, so here we go. Oh. Sadly, my dad passed away when I was five. I'm now in my mid-twenties, but I still regularly visit his grave. That's so lovely. I know. Several years ago, I went up to his grave with some flowers, and upon arriving at the gate to the small graveyard,

I saw there was a funeral slash burial going on. Immediately struck with anxiety, as I would have to walk past a group of mourners, and I feared they might talk to me. I walked through the gate and accidentally made eye contact with the lady who was attending the funeral. She gave me a warm smile so ignoring all my instincts to not interact with anyone I gave her a big smile back. Big mistake. This invited her to start a conversation with me. God forbid. I was gonna say Jesus she going to like just pull the gun on her. She opened her mouth

and spoke words at my face. Social anxiety though, social anxiety, we don't suffer from social anxiety. It's a genuine real thing. Yeah, fair enough.

I get it, I get it. And you know, and I think as well actually, I don't suffer from social anxiety at all. But if people are mourning at a funeral. Yeah, you don't have

You don't want to, you don't want to be walking past and, anyway. It's their don't have a plan. You don't want to be walking past. Yeah, you don't want to stay a moment. That's by the by. Come on. So, this lady started a conversation with him. Right.

So, how do you know Mike? This puzzled me. This puzzled me. As I wasn't sure how she knew my dad. But avoiding making more conversation than necessary, I simply said, he's my dad. The lady looked taken aback and said, oh, okay.

I then gave her another smile and sped walked over to my dad's grave to put the flowers down. Speed walked, but okay. Oh, speed walked. She wrote sped walked. Sped walked, yeah. She might have just missed a knee out.

Yeah. Or she's stupid. Fair enough. And speed walked over to my dad's grave to put the flowers down. On the way out, the woman who I spoke to called out to me, are you coming to the Red Lion pub?

Confused again as to why this woman was speaking to me, I shook my head and left. Walking back to my car, I was trying to work out what just happened. Did I know this woman? Was she a relative I didn't recognise? And then it hit me. Mike was most likely the name of the poor sod getting buried that day. Yeah.

I raised hope and confessed all to my mum. She was most likely the name of the poor sod getting buried that day. Yeah. I raised home to confess all to my mum. She was mortified. She told me I had to go to the wake and explain everything. What if the woman who spoke to me was his daughter? I never thought of that. Had I just... Sorry. So straight away, I'm like, right, her dad's called Mike.

Yeah. And the guy's called Mike. They've got the same name. I clocked onto that straight away and I thought, where's the story going? But yeah, that woman's then Mike and the guy's called Mike they've got the same name I clocked onto that quite straight away and I thought where's the story going but yeah that woman's then gone to the red line

and went do you know he's got a daughter secret daughter who just walked past and went and put flowers on another grave imagine

how do you know Mike it's me dad it's your dad so she's freaking out the woman initially wasn't that she went all right didn't she's right he's me dad all right so Mike must have put it about we got another one here another one of Mike's frogs just turned up here another one from his bollocks you know what Mike was like he was I was putting it know I don't do you want to come to the pub

back in the night you come to the pub it's 9.40 you know the room he's been none of yous look alike it's mental this is carried on here had I just accidentally confessed

to being the love child of a secret yet imaginary affair wow much to my mum's persuading of how I'm potentially had I just accidentally confessed to being the love child of a secret yet imaginary affair? Much to my mum's persuading of how I'm potentially ruining family's life, I refused to go to the Red Lion pub as this lady was most definitely going to push me for answers and I feared I would spontaneously combust trying to answer my awkward self. Seven years have passed and I still wonder whether this family still think about my appearance at the funeral of their relative's funeral. Wow.

I hope they went over to the grave I laid flowers down and saw the headstone which has Mike on it and put two and two together. Sometimes when I visit Sometimes when I visit my dad's grave I go over to the headstone of Mike number two pay my respects and apologise for

any grief I've caused on his big day. That's absolutely beautiful. Oh, well done you. That is beautiful. Do you know what it is though? That is something that... I'm so... Mike, listen, I'm so sorry.

If there was any fights in the red line, I'm really sorry, it wasn't my fault. They could have been smashing chairs over each other and all kinds. Genuinely, there's going to be a family out there who's like that lass at the funeral who said that my dad was her dad? Dad? Dad?

Mike? Mick? Michael? I just thought that was really interesting. So you never know. If there's anybody listening now who went to a funeral of a Mike, who then went to the Red Lion pub,

don't worry. It was a simple mistake. I don't like shout-outs at the best of times, but that one can fuck right off. That is a long-shot shout-out of every I've heard one. Chris, how many downloads have we got? Not that many. Christ.

We have? But still, how are you, man? You never bloody know. She didn't say where she's from. Oh, great. There we go then. There's another. Oh, no, hang on.

Can't wait to see you both at the O2 Arena in November. Oh, it's just from England. And Chris again in Milton Keynes in March next year. From bloody Milton, Milton, bloody Keynes. Right, so if you were at a funeral in Milton Keynes of Mike seven years ago to the day. Was that what you said? Seven years ago. And you went to the Red Lion pub after.

He hasn't got a secret daughter. It was a simple mistake. There's two Mikes. He's opposite. Go and see. The evidence is there. We've just solved a mystery. Mystery, mysteries, mysteries. Hello Rosie and Chris. I was on holiday, mid-naughties, in Magaluf

on my first teenage holiday without parents. Banging. Setting the scene, it was me and three friends, all with very cheesy printed T-shirts and cowboy hats. Brilliant. In brackets. Cringe. Of course, we attend the obligatory booze cruise.

While I'm swigging, terrible warm drink, an announcement is made over the DJ's microphone. Cathy McGurk, will you please stand up? Confused, I do so, with my mates bursting into laughter. The DJ continues, Lads, she is out of order, order, order, order. Like a DJ. I begin to turn a deep red as the DJ begins to tell last night's story

to the entire booze cruise of approximately 100 people what the hell I don't know what is this a dickhead DJ yeah

telling a story some dickhead friends yeah yeah yeah what's the story well morning glory I'm gonna tell you the story okay

onna yeah onna onna onna do you like me DJ impression yeah but don't do it DJ DJ yeah but don't do it all the way through

because it's gonna it's gonna get old quick oh man I don't do it all the way through because it's going to get old quick. Oh, man. I don't think he talks again. Great. But he tells a full story. I know, but she's now telling it from her point of view. I can't tell these people how to write their stories.

I like to just do it as they say because it makes it more real. Oh, man. The night before, I had dressed in standard Magaluf Circa 2005 outfit. White hot pants and a dressy vest top. Yeah, yeah. Absolutely.

Been there, done that. White hot pants and a dressy vest top. Got the dressy vest top. Great. And I sat on a wall halfway through the night and had mud on me white arse. Yeah, yeah. We made our way into town and a few drinks in came across a book in Bronco. Great fun, we thought.

A couple of friends went first and we studied their technique me and another friend then jumped on i was holding on the single short rope in the middle of the beast's back and my friend sat behind me i'd seen that the key was to grip tight with your thighs yeah so that is what we did. We did bloody well. Survived for ages, despite the pain in our thighs. Repeated pounding of my friend into my lower back. And aching in my hands

from holding on so tightly. In the end, we tumbled off, exhausted, but very proud of our achievement. Well done. When I got off, I asked if anyone else's VJJ was killing after that. Puzzle's faces looked back at me.

While friends were queuing for celebrity drinks, I nipped to the loo. There I saw. Oh. Blood. On a vagina? Bollocks, I thought. I've come on. But under closer inspection, I realised I hadn't come on.

Instead, I discovered the source of my painful VJJ. All of one lip was an angry, bleeding mess. The worst friction burn I've ever seen. My hot pants must have ridden up and my knickers moved across, leaving my bare VJJ exposed to the rough rope I was clinging onto minutes earlier. However, as much pain as I was in that night, it paled in comparison to the painful scabbing that followed in the next couple of days. Made worse by the continued exposure to salt water. Luckily, I had lovely friends to get me through and take care of me.

Making sure it was our secret. Until, of course, they shared it with the DJ. DJ, DJ, DJ. That DJ wants a lot enough for telling that story. What a massive tosser. I know. Alright everybody, we're doing it. Booze cruise. locking up by telling that story. What a massive tosser. I know. Oh, you might see him going,

alright everybody, hey, we're doing it, we're going, booze cruise, hey, where's Cathy? Oh,

how's your fucking fanny, Cathy? Huh? Oh, fucking scabby as shit. Don't know why he's Australian. Yeah, he started off kind of jolly,

then he went cockney, now he's gone Australian. She's covering all the bases. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that,

yeah, I can't imagine, I like to think, hopefully in a perfect world, I like to think the DJ started telling that story, it was like, everyone, and everyone just sort of like, looked at him and thought, oh, you. I can't imagine. I like to think, hopefully in a perfect world, I like to think the DJ started telling that story. It was like, everyone! And everyone just sort of looked at him and thought, oh, you're a bit of a twat.

But I don't know. I think in the noughties, that kind of shit was okay, I think. Yeah. Yeah, I think it's come a long way since then. Couldn't do it now. I think the whole place was like, whey! Yeah.

Kind of like Faya Fanny and that. Yeah. Bless her, though. Bloody hell. God. She must be very competitive do you know what I mean though

I'm not being funny I like to win the competitions but if I you know you friction burn on you she must have literally just you know

what's her eye on the prize makes us want to feel sick it must have been the adrenaline she must have been buzzing must have been bloody friction Fanny. Friction flaps. Get her Olympic material.

I don't think the Buck and Brunko is an Olympic event, just so you know. Well, no, but she could... If you've got that mindset, you could do anything. She could... If she really trains hard, she could be whatever she wants to be. Yeah? Yeah, yeah.

Is that not right? I mean, yeah, let's not use it... People, no, I'm not being funny. Let's not use it... Hold on. let's not use it let's not use it let's let's not use it as advice for our children in the future you know you're not born an olympian you've got to work to get there yeah but i don't think at any point one of them burns the fanny on something and goes do you know what i've got i've got longevity i've got staying power i'm a determined person do you know what i've got i've got the eye of the tiger and the fanny of the friction. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Hi, Rosie and Chris.

Hi. I have travelled to Australia as a backpacker and I know how much you love hostels. Yeah, oh, sorry. Oh, jeez. Keep me up, Owen. Dickhead. Yeah? This particular room I was in had six beds and its own bathroom. Having its own bathroom, I noticed people had their toiletries on hooks around the mirror above the sink. Just level with the sink Hmm.

Hmm. Okay. I then showered, brushed my teeth and went about my day. I was out for the evening and I came back very drunk and climbed onto my top bunk and slept till the next morning. That morning I woke up and my mouth was dry. My teeth felt furry. So out of bed I climbed to give them a good brush and it was in that moment when I

opened the bag, I could not believe what I saw. I saw a tiger! Oh, motherfucker! We're back! Oh, God! Is that because Tiger King Season 2 is on, you massive dickhead?

No, it actually says, no, I'm just kidding. That's really annoying because I actually thought it would bring Tiger Trapping back. Got you! I got you. It says, 2 is on but you got it too early I got you it says

no I'm just kidding there was a nice lovely used tampon just sitting there on top of my toothbrush oh I thought it was a bin

oh I thought it was a bin someone had misdaten it for a bin oh no and that is exactly what it became I went to stay with my friends

who were in an apartment that same day. Oh, God. Is there anything worse to go on your toothbrush than a used tampon? Rather than some feces? No. That's about it, isn't it? Possibly not.

Why would you do... Oh, the wasp balls. If there's just a carrier bag. Okay. Okay. Here we go. What? Would you rather?

Right. You've got your toothbrush. Yeah. You've got to brush your teeth with the toothbrush. Yeah. Here we go. What? Would you rather. Right. You've got your toothbrush. Yeah. You've got to brush your teeth with the toothbrush. Yeah. You have to brush your teeth with the toothbrush.

Okay, so is it life or death? Yeah. You have to. Life cannot continue. Right. You have to pick one of these things. Right?

I hate this. You have to pick one of these things. All right, I'll gun to your head then. We'll do the old classic. No, let's do money. I like money.

No, because it's, you can just make it, no, gun to your head. Gun to me head. You've got your toothbrush in your hand. Yeah. Right? There's four money. I like money. No, you can just make it. Gun to your head. Gun to my head. You've got your toothbrush in your hand. Yeah. Right? There's four buckets in front of you.

Right? Right. You're ready to rock and roll. Okay? Yeah. Toothpaste's not on yet. We've got to dip the toothbrush into one of these four buckets

and then put your toothpaste on. Gun to your head. You have to do it or you get killed. I don't like guns. It's life or death. Just take the gun out of it. Why? Because I don't like guns. It's life or death. Just take the gun out of it. Why? Because I don't like guns.

Okay. I'm just going to... You know what? Samurai sword to your knife. To your throat. I'm a marvis. Tree. Giant tree about to fall on you.

Yes. Okay. There we go. Oh, that's better, is it? Brilliant. Don't like guns. What a maniac. Gun culture.

So, there's four buckets. You've got your holding two yes yes yes in one bucket is a load of used tampons you've got to dip it in and swill it round in all the used tampons

is it mine no it's whoever was walking past when oh god when the murderer slash billionaire who was setting this all up

it's whoever was just walking past can it be all of my friends no you don't know any of them Idris Elba is not involved in any way, shape or form. Stop mentioning him.

None of you stop mentioning him. I don't want to mention him anymore. Something with tampons. The other book has got urine in. The other book has got vomit of strangers. God! And the other book has got all of just feces. Oh, Jesus.

So you've got to dip your toothbrush in one of those and then brush your teeth. Right. Or a big tree falls on you. Right, okay. No, I know. Which one? Piss. Right, okay.

Piss isn't an option anymore. No, it's not. No, it's what? No, you can't just take away an option. It seemed too easy. You can't take away an option. I didn't think it through. It's gone.

So the other three are the only options. Loads of vomit, feces, or the tampons. This podcast is horrible my dad's not listening anymore he's tuned out this is vile why are we still

why are we still on air why is this still a thing we've got our own TV show Chris listen and we're doing would you rather stick your toothbrush in period sick

or shit what's wrong with what's wrong with you right no listen I'm gonna answer right I'm going with

honestly I'm going I'm going with the tampons really yeah wow I'm going with

the tampons see my plan was to get rid of the others until you picked tampons but you've picked it yeah I'm going no I'm going with the tampons. Really? Yeah. Wow. I'm going with the tampons. See, my plan was to get rid of the others until you picked tampons, but you've picked it. Yeah, I'm going with the tampons because vomit, no. Absolutely not.

That would make you sick. The taste of someone else's vomit. This is horrible. So remember to vote for us. We are shortlisted for a National Comedy Award. Remember to vote for us. We are shortlisted for a national comedy, national comedy award. Remember to vote for that. And tune in to our chat show next year

on the BBC. Yeah, we will be asking Will Smith and Jada Pickett-Smith, which bucket would you rather dip your toothbrush in?

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Marino Dad I'm sorry I'm not sorry Derek I regret nothing feel free not to listen anymore I won't be offended and I'll keep you updated on my life in other ways love you lot see you next week guys thanks so much

this is part of the ACAS creator network I'll do her job for her while she's just using our podcast to chat to her dad. So unprofessional. Guys, keep sending your stuff in. Shagrindroad at gmail.com. Still tickets for the December Arena Tours if anyone fancies it.

And please vote for us in the shortlist for the National Comedy Awards. And that's all I've got to flog this week. Love you, bye. Yeah, bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by rishi kesh her way the visionary behind the groundbreaking song exploder podcast and netflix series this unmissable evening features her way and toronto symphony orchestra music director gustavo jimeno in conversation together

they dissect the mesmerizing layers of stravinsky's the rite of spring followed by a complete soul stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play.

Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at TorontoRock.com.