Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 148. Christmas Special

Episode Date: December 24, 2021

It's the last SMA of the year and the Ramsey's are feeling festive! There's singing, festive beef and some christmassy QFTP's. All of this plus we here why Rosie is on the naughty list and how Chris is messing with new family traditions.We hope all the smas and das have a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!Chris and Rosie will be back in your ears on January 7th. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag Married Annoyed. With me, Rosie Ramsey. Jesus, she's been holding her phone up for so long, ready to play this. And my husband, Chris Ramsey. Here's something I prepared earlier.

Fucking hell. This is her and her maid singing. In 2017. It's very nice. It is very good. This is her and her mates singing. In 2017. It's very nice. It is very good. We're not allowed to play music anymore. This is the Christmas special. It's nearly Christmas time.

When does this come out? Christmas Eve? Christmas Eve. Christmas Eve. It's Christmas Eve. Merry Christmas, everyone. Merry Christmas to the... Hope you're all okay. Hope you're all ready for Santa coming.

Merry Christmas to the company who owns the rights to this song, because we'll have to be paying you for this so merry christmas for you guys no i think it's a really well christmas it's a well-known

christmas song you don't have to pay for these you'd be surprised you'd be surprised no listen humbug humbug

starting my christmas finish thank you angela and steph 2017 repping the christmas songs merry christmas welcome to the podcast they're still going on i'm gonna stop it now are we gonna get Thank you, Angela and Steph. 2017, repping the Christmas songs. Merry Christmas.

Welcome to the podcast. They're still going on. I'm going to stop it now. Are we going to have to pay for that? No. Are you sure? No, I'm not sure, but I don't think we will. Okay, so just a little note here that that will come out of Rosie's end of the podcast.

Rosie's end. Not my end. I'll take the hit. That will come out of Rosie's 10% that she gets for the podcast. Can you hear that bell? It's our doorbell. It's the doorbell, but I kind of feel like it's Santa. He's fucking early, like. It's not.

It better not be. It's a... Christ alive. What's going on? Welcome to the Christmas special. This is the Christmas special. I have some wonderful questions from the public, all Christmas related. Yes.

We're going to delve straight in there very very soon not yet we're not because it's time for my lucrative lucrative sponsor Christmas sponsor this week's Christmas

this Christmas's sponsor is and it might have been last year's as well I can't remember I've just thought off the top of my head because I was wrapping

presents yesterday this year's Christmas sponsor is sliding the scissors all the way along the wrapping paper and getting it all off in one fucking i don't think that was last year i never can do that better than sex better than drugs wow and i've done all the sex and all the drugs

and that's better is it there's amazing feeling just it's got to be so the wrapping paper we've got this year is a bit more papery I think it's sort of recycled and stuff like that cheaper probably yeah it's got to be more

of like a thermal one and you've got to have it taut and you've got to have sharp scissors and you've just got to right off the end it is satisfying

but I've never been able to do it in my life cover all your presents and spunk it's a nightmare to clean up but it's great when it's done

happy birthday I'm dreaming of a white Christmas hey I can do songs as well you know mine just got

jizz in them jizzmas can we not oh listen Jesus' birthday and you're talking about jizzing on presents

history and historians have proved that he was actually probably born in September really yeah they just changed it to put it in line with the pagan calendar History and historians have proved that he was actually probably born in September. Really? Yeah.

They just changed it. They put it in line with the pagan calendar. She stood up and pulled her fucking headphones out. I'm waiting for some parcels. Great. Haven't entered a shop this year. Yeah. Because I'm doing loads for the high street name. Because you haven't had time.

Haven't had time, to be fair. But I'm a bit sad about it, though, because I do actually genuinely enjoy Christmas shopping in the shops and I haven't done any this year but never mind Christmas garden centre and I'm really sad about it I know we love a garden centre you know what I'm going to go tomorrow

sorry we were recording this earlier in the week the 21st today Christmas day you won't find me standing in a car park of a garden centre raging hey you shut do plants live and have a day off and you feed me fish standing in a fucking car park of a garden centre raging, going, hey, hey, you shut! I'm fucking, the plants live and have a day off, and you feed me fish! Like,

it's earlier in the week. I'm going to go tomorrow. You know that one day in the not-too-distant future, stuff will be open on Christmas Day? Probably. People ruin everything. Well, pubs are, and certain restaurants are. What do you mean people ruin everything? I liked it years and years ago when it would be shut.

We've talked about this before. Remember when everything was shut on Boxing Day? I just quite liked it. So you liked the fact, but you didn't go anywhere. So you liked the fact that you stayed in the house knowing that everywhere was shut, even though you weren't going anywhere. You liked the fact that other people for no reason

couldn't go anywhere, you selfish dickhead. I just thought it was, I just think everybody needs a bit of downtime every now and again. You're like a lockdown lover. Oh, I'm fucking not. I'm absolutely not. I just love that no one can go anywhere because I don't want to go anywhere. Take that back. Don't you dare call me a lockdown

lover. I really enjoyed the lockdown. Lockdown lovers, get a new job. Yeah. Get a job you enjoy going to. Change it up. Because you're ruining my life. My life. You're ruining my life.

Because you are happy to stay off work and watching bloody telly and playing with your tiddlers. Get a new job that you want to go to. Listen, don't slag. Because the world's gone to shit. Don't slag people off and play with their tiddlers.

Don't. Because I started this really upbeat and happy and you mentioned it and you mentioned it and I'm sad. I'm really, I'm fucking miserable, right?

And I want to do this to cheer me up and I think everybody else needs cheering up as well. Even Christmas can't cheer people up at the minute. The world's a fucking mess.

Yeah. But it's alright, we're going to do Christmas. Oh, now he's alright. I'm alright now. Well yeah, because your misery then makes me happier. It actually does. You only like it when I'm sad. I're going to do Christmas stuff. Oh, now he's alright. I'm alright now. Well, yeah, because your misery then makes me happier.

It actually does. You only like it when I'm sad. I'm going to lick your tears off your face. They make me so happy. It might change by Christmas Eve, but right now it is the 21st. It's Tuesday the 21st and we have no idea what's going on in the world.

They've leaked stuff into the newspaper like they normally do. They're fucking cowardsards yeah uh and we'll see what happens but we hope you're all all right out there um we hope you're gonna have a lovely merry christmas and uh hold all your loved ones dear because uh you know if we get told that you can't hold your loved ones dear just have a cheese and wine party they're fine yeah no totally yeah they're allowed they're allowed yeah cheese wine parties yeah yeah can't wait for New Year's Eve cheese and wine cheese and wine tax deductible

I'll have a taste of this wine that's a 2020 that's a 2020 Ruhlberg Merlot that's lovely that's an early 2020 do as I say

not as I do that's wonderful tell you what 2020 has ruined the vintage year, hasn't it? Oh, when I see a bottle of wine with 2020 on it, I'm like, get that in the fucking toilet right now. Imagine, right, in years to come, if we're sitting one day and we're in a restaurant,

like a nice posh restaurant, and they're like, do you want to have a wine? We're going, oh, yes, please, have a look. And they'll go to the sommelier, right, and they'll be like, it's a 2020, and we're like, fuck, no! Oh, yeah. Absolutely not. I can taste the misery. Oh, fantastic, yeah. the sommelier right would be like it's a 2020 well fuck no oh yeah absolutely not I can taste the misery

oh fantastic yeah what happened to the grape that year oh it was depressed as fuck is what happened to the grape that year you can really smell it

you can really smell the anxiety coming off them grapes I'll have a 2019 when I was blissfully unaware thank you oh is that

is that a 2019 ignorance is bliss it is it a 2019 ignorance is bliss? It is, it's an ignorance is bliss. Oh, fantastic. Lovely, yeah. It pairs very well with a what the fuck's

going on early 2020. See, we can be highbrow. Everyone out there, we can be highbrow, right? You didn't think I knew the word for the sommelier, did you? I knew you knew what a sommelier was.

I know you've got a drinking problem. Doesn't everybody know? Like, come on. Hey, hey, play the jingle. Christmas! Jingle! On your knees. Get down on them knees.

I don't know what's happening. Here's the jingle. Get down on them knees. I don't know what's happening. Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. So this is the jingle.

We hope you like the jingle. Jingle! Jingle. Hello and welcome back to this Christmas episode of... Come on in, come in, come in and know me better, man. What's there? Scrooge. Christmas Carol, yeah. Christmas Carol.

Muppets Christmas Carol, yes. Buzzing. Bit scary. Is it? The last one, yeah, the last ghost is Bigets Christmas Carol, yes. Buzzing. Bit scary. Is it? The last one, yeah, the last ghost is Big Grim Reaper. No, it's not. It is. It's a Big Grim Reaper.

It's a bit scary. Was Robin a bit scared? No, because he plays on stuff that's a lot scarier than that. Right. Yeah, at his age, I would have been petrified by that. Oh. But yeah, it was a bit weird. But I remember he wasn't even asked.

Got a bit of beef with Robin, actually. Got a bit of beef with Robin. Just a little bit. Oh, what's your beef with your kids? What's your beef with your kids what's your beef with your kids kids kids kids so we watched Harry Potter

the other night and he absolutely loved it couldn't believe it wanted to watch we put Rafe to bed I think we had a bit of tea

and then he was like can I go watch Harry Potter and we were like wait for us couldn't believe me luck mate

apparently I said to my mum I went to watch Harry Potter the other night she went yeah Robin didn't like it

I went what exactly slagging it off to me mum thinks he's odd slagging slagging eh I went to watch Harry Potter the other night. She went, yeah, Robin didn't like it. I went, what? Exactly. I beg your pardon. He fucking loved it. Slagging it off to me, man. Thinks he's odd. Slagging. Eh?

We had a lovely night. How dare you? I know. I feel cheated. I know. I feel betrayed. Honestly, I was gutted. I was like, eh, he loved it.

My mum was like, no, he said he really didn't like it. He said he was scared. This fucking lying little shit. Right, well, he's not watching the next one then. That was the thing. I had to tell him there was seven more and he was buzzing. And then I quickly looked at the ratings on them. I was like, ah, you can only watch two of them though. Right, well, he's not watching the next one then. That was the thing that was, I had to tell him there was seven more and he was buzzing and then I quickly

looked at the ratings on them and I was like, you can only watch two of them though. Oh, I know, they're turning into 12s, don't they? Yeah, yeah.

Shame, never mind. Oh, I've got a bit of weird sort of, I've got a dilemma. You've got a dilemma? Right, so. It's time for Watch a Dilemma.

Dilemma, dilemma, oh, there's it, that could be a new one. It's a good section. Don't lock it into another section while people are listening because you'll get shit emails about it

and we'll have to drop it and people will go why have you dropped that and you go because it was shit right fair enough so my dilemma currently is

you know how we did a bit of stuff for the what's it called man Prince's Trust yes Prince's Trust that charity

that's really close to your heart that you just couldn't remember the name of. No, I didn't. I was going to call... No, I didn't know if it was called Prince's Trust. I'm joking. I didn't know if it was called Prince's Trust or Prince's Charles's Trust.

It's called Prince's Charles... Full name it. The Prince's Charles's Trust. It's called the Prince's Charles's Trust. Yeah, it doesn't fall as easy off the tongue. So, this is me dilemma, right? I've been getting a Christmas card from the Prince's Trust,

from Charles himself right I mean it's I don't think he signs it personally I think it is a printed signature but it's nice and I get it every year I mean

I mean may I be the first to say how dare he but carry on rude but been getting it for about three years now

really enjoy getting that Christmas card we've moved house right so this year's Christmas card was redirected right how do i let know how do i let charles know me near redress because i don't want to stop getting

that christmas card right okay because i think it's quite cool right and i like i like having it it's on display okay i'm like this is from the royal family yeah yeah you know think what you want to the royal family but i bet you don't get a fucking christmas card so whatever i mean i don't i mean i know you're talking to the listeners but i don't get it fucking Christmas card. So whatever. I mean, I don't. I mean, I know you're talking to the listeners, but I don't get a Christmas card often. I hate it. That's annoying. I presented an award at his night. So that's upsetting.

Well, I get the Christmas card. Great. How, how am I going to let them know? Because I want to keep getting, it's going to stop, it's going to stop coming.

You've actually got to visit London and go to the palace gates and just shout it and you'll hear. Right. Just shout it. I've seen loads of people doing it. Okay.

Yeah. I've moved by the way. Johnny, Johnny, Johnny boy. Oh it I've seen loads of people doing it oh okay yeah you just go I've moved by the way shot shot hey shot hey boy out I've shifted yeah I've

new address me redirection was only 12 months it finishes it does it runs out and then you write it on a little note

and then you put it under the hat of the men who can't move and then they get it the beefies yeah yeah yeah yeah see I know you take the piss

but how am I gonna I don't want this car to stop coming right I mean I don't who do I let who do I let I don't know

I've got no idea oh god are you genuinely worried about this genuinely I get a little bit of a buzz when it comes through the thing

I'm like it's really sad is it nah it's quite cool it's quite cool but it's gonna stop because we've moved the don't know me new address

the redirection was only 12 months and I don't know what happens now right well't know me new address the redirection was only 12 months and I don't know what happens now right well I mean I can put the redirection on if it means a lot to you I will keep that redirection going for another year or another two years

or as long as you want just so you keep getting that it's not that expensive a redirection it's a few quid is it not? not really no in all honesty I haven't changed the addresses

on most of the stuff yeah like so much fucking shit so what happens if you we need to make a box we need to make a box of stuff that gets redirected put it all in the box and then one day in you know 2027 when i've got some time i'll go through them all is that what you've got to do you've got to let them all know let everyone know it's horrible yeah stuff i still get stuff sent to my old old house some stuff i some stuff for me still goes to my mum's house. Right. Not important stuff, though.

There's a few catalogues I could do without. Yeah, I don't know. But with our old address, just get them now. If the redirection stops. Just keep getting them. I mean, this is cracking content for the podcast. I'm sorry. Imagine having to listen to a married couple

discuss their fucking postal address. This is what pisses me off, though, about schools. Why wasn't I taught that in school? Sorry, in your year nine options, did you not choose the Royal Mail FAQs? Because I did. Everyone else listening, you all did, didn't you? It's a no-brainer.

It was a no-brainer. I mean, I chose Royal Mail FAQs. I chose How to Find a Milkman. And I chose Map Reading FAQs I chose How to Find a Milkman and I chose Map Reading right yeah well all I can say

is I learnt how to make a wooden box in DT I would have much preferred to know

what to do when you move house and how to redirect your mail right would have would have served me a lot better in life okay

than that piece of shit I made what was the wooden box? And could it be painted red and turned into a post box? Because this would solve two problems. It was just a wooden box. We've talked about it before. Right. I made a key fob and a shop front.

Did you do the internet technology? What was it called? Internet technology. Did I do internet technology? Yes, I did. I did internet technology. Yes. What's IT stand for information technology

right but why would I make a fucking key ring no I did DT I did design technology but I did the design one where you did like actual design and stuff

not the woodwork did you pick woodwork I picked woodwork you picked woodwork for your GCSE DT I did woodwork and do you know

it's really weird you've never helped me put a shed up or anything like that. No, I know. I did woodwork, Chris. Why did you do it? And you made a box. I made a box. Like a jewellery box.

For your GCSEs. One of your things for GCSE was to make a wooden box. So mine, I had to do, it was design technology but we had to design a company and what the company would do

and then design and plan out what the shop front would look like, where the windows would be, where the front of the shop would be and then make it and paint it and have a full portfolio

of what the company would be and what the shop front would look like. That's really good. And you made a box. I just made a box. Four bits of wood and some glue, Rosie.

Don't sit in the corner. I think the thing about it was that you had to like measure all the right angles and the corners and all that shit which I was horrific at math so I really picked the wrong thing.

And do you know it's ridiculous. Do you have any idea how much money I'd pay to see this box? It might. No, it won't be in the have any idea how much money I'd pay to see this box? It might, no, it won't be in the loft

because I'm from a broken home and everything got left to rot and die from your childhood. Don't bring that up on Christmas. It's true. Don't bring everyone down on Christmas

with your shitty past. No, yeah, I've got nothing. I've got nothing. Nothing from my past. Mom, dad,

you bastards. Where's my box then? Where's my fucking box? This has took a turn from First World Problem problems about your redirected letter from prince charles to me broken home got rid of my favorite wooden box that i made in tt which i'm sure you i i guarantee everyone no i guarantee rosie i guarantee everyone else in that class was sculpting wooden fucking eagles out of tree trunks and you were in the corner like a toddler

with some glue and said how are you getting on Rosie don't eat the glue Rosie went and stopped eating the glue Chris it was lined she's eating the glue again

it was lined and I had to use the clamps it was lined to clamp it together I had to use the clamps why did I take woodwork why would you i don't know why in the name of god honestly i thought it would be easy and i don't know why because i really like cooking right yeah i don't think i don't think i knew i liked cooking i guarantee you just didn't do your

options properly and you just got lumped into whatever class yeah well i took history history yeah i got an e yeah but you'll have just sat you'll have sat in the corner singing that's it you'll have been sitting making your box just singing

I'll hear the angel do you know what it is I did just want to be a pop star so woodwork seemed the easy easy option it was actually really difficult yeah

the teacher was nice though okay good what was his name Mr Mr not Baron I don't know what was his name he came not Baron I don't know what was his name

he came with a B brilliant that's good Mr B shout out what are you lining the box with what was the box for so it was a jewellery

I designed a jewellery box right just wore no jewellery didn't even have my ears pierced you didn't even have your ears pierced you wore no jewellery and you made a jewellery box for one of your GCSEs it was lined of your gcses what a pointless pointless exercise you lined it with velvet that's what i'm saying i could

have been taught so much did i have drawers in it oh i don't think so did it have come on okay did it have them little things where you press a ring in ooh it's like no no right it opened it just opened and closed right so did it have did it have hooks on it to hang bracelets and things on Absolutely not Did it actually have compartments So it was just So how big was it About the size of a laptop

Basically a wooden shoe box With velvet inside That you would just throw handfuls of Juve in and just shut Did you paint the outside of it? I can't... No, I think I varnished it. Right.

You're taking the piss. You're taking the piss, but I was genuinely really proud of it. You're taking the piss now. You're proud of it, that's fine. What did you get for DT? What did she say? I got a D.

I think. I didn't do well. There was a bad I'm telling ask us what I got for drama well we all know what you got for drama I got an A for drama of course you did

could have got me teacher said I could have got an A star but me course work was shite I was like because I don't want to write I just want to perform

you could have got an A star but you handed your course work in a varnished box for no reason it was so weird why everyone else used a stapler or a binder

and you brought it in in a varnished velvet box so what did you make a fob like a key fob that's great that was the first time I did woodwork

I made a key fob but then I didn't pick woodwork because it was meant do you know why I didn't I'll tell you why I didn't pick woodwork it was so fucking loud in the class it was painful it was painful there. Do you know why I didn't, I'll tell you why I didn't pick woodwork and this is real. It was so fucking loud in the class. Right.

It was painful. It was painful. It was all someone cutting something. Well, I love noise though, don't I? I love noise. No, I do. I love noise.

It's a sign, I didn't realise, but I don't think I've ever been depressed, but I probably have been because a sign of depression is that you need background noise all the time. Right, got you.

And I always need a podcast on or music or the telly on. Even if I'm not watching I need noise so you have to sit in silence for hours nah so that's why I did

and actually Chris I think I might have fancied somebody in the class if we really get if we want to get to the the crux and bones of it what's it

what's that yeah knuckles and whatever knuckles and what knuckles and fish it's the knuckles and fish you want to get the knuckles and fish what's the crux

the crux of it yes yes yes I think I fancied someone in Tewtookwood Knuckles and Fish The Knuckles and Fish You want to get the Knuckles and Fish about it? The crux of it Yes Yes? Yes I think I fancied someone in two-tuck wood So you're after a different kind of wood Lads? Lads?

Wood in your box In your velvet box Anyone? Any takers? Good? Purse? No Tried

Merry Christmas It's time for What's Your Bee? What's Your Christmas? any takers good purse nah no tried my Christmas it's time for what's your beef what's your Christmas beef beef Christmas beef beef beef beef beef beef or gammon

or turkey or whatever meat you have ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding dong beef now

we just again sorry to break the fourth wall here I feel like I'm doing this a lot now dear listener but we just had a quick discussion saying it's Christmas, shall we skip the beefs?

And then Rosie said, unless you've got a Christmas beef with me. And I said, yes. And she said, yes. So we're going to skip them in the season of goodwill, but we're going to keep them. You've got two. Oh my gosh, goodness. Go on then.

You go first. All right, okay. My first beef with you is we are trying to make traditions. Right. What? This might be the same beef. This might be a similar beef that I've beef with you is we are trying to make traditions. Right. What? This might be the same beef. This might be a similar beef that I've got with you because mine is tradition-based of a tradition you've started.

Come on, you go. Okay, we're trying to make traditions because I think it's nice as a family to have little traditions that you do every year. One of those traditions, it started a few years ago, so we buy a little house from the garden centre, which lights up yes we'll put them on display in the hallway we've got three of them so far so it's been going for

three years you may remember last year we had a we were in tier three lockdown and we had a tier one house um because you put the music on and the people run around and they're going in and out of the pub and stuff and we were oh we were jealous of the we were jealous of the house honestly i can't have the music on anymore because it reminds me of last year. That was grim. Yeah, it's like, oh, go for a drink at the Bell and Whistle Tavern. And it's like loads of people in the street hustling and bustling.

I was like, oh, fuck this. Don't the Christmas decorations look great this year? Oh, horrible. Who wants a drink? Anyway, so, no, we're making this tradition of buying a little house once a year. Christopher, about two weeks ago,

said, I'm going to go to the garden center and i'm gonna get loads of them little houses and make a village yeah to which i said well that's not a tradition that's buying loads of houses and having loads of houses whereas the tradition is yeah every year you buy a little house to add to it or a little thing to add to it. But instead, you want to do was your load was all in one year and have everything because you don't understand bloody

anything. Oh, good, yeah. No, do you know what I mean? Yeah, yeah, yeah. What's it called? In Oh, fuck my brain. Come on, here we go.

This is good. I love it when this happens. Anything. I don't understand in anything. Come on. Like taking your time with things patience i don't i can't think of the word okay well the fact of the matter is right i want to make a

tradition of buying the one little thing whether it's a little person that goes in the house just one every year because we're going to have a lot of years and you just wanted to buy everything all at the same time yes but if you do remember also rightly last year i did also wanted to buy everything all at the same time. Yes, but if you do remember also, rightly, last year, I did also want to buy a 40-foot metal nutcracker doll for the garden as well, which was about £15,000, which I will happily buy this year. I just saw it randomly in the garden centre. I don't think it was that much, but it was a lot of money. It was not £15,000.

It was a lot of money. And I would just... He's changed, hasn't he? He's changed. Rosie, to see how gutted you were to have that in the middle of our lawn, it would be worth every penny. Awful. It would be worth every penny. Awful.

It would be worth every penny. We had a massive, bloody, we had a storm the other week. It took out a tree. It would have, yeah. A 200-year-old fir tree. He would have ended up on someone's roof. What a waste of money. An absolute waste of money.

I don't know, wasn't that much at all? I had two Christmas beefs. You had two? Oh, Jesus, all right then. What's my other one? Is it that I didn't buy that massive big metal nutcracker? No. What was my other beef?

Oh, shit. What was your other beef? You don't know words. You don't know beefs. I can't remember. I'd forgotten. Oh, you bought football. I bought?

I bought everybody's presents again. Wow. Another year. I don't know why I do it. I don't know why I do it. Every year, I have to buy every single person's presents. In my defence, I feel like you buy for too many people. Well, what do you mean?

Just every now and then, you're buying something for someone who I haven't seen for a year. Because they buy for us. It's kids, man. Kids ruin Christmas. Mugs, isn't it? Absolute mugs. Got to buy for everyone's kids. What are they doing buying for us?

I don't know. Honestly, cut it all off. In the beginning of December, text everyone you know saying, ruined Christmas absolute mugs got to buy for everyone's kids what are they doing buying for us don't know honestly cut it all off in beginning of December text everyone you know saying look she would just not bother this year you don't bother with us

we'll not bother with you happy days happy days done wake up Christmas morning you've got the presents off your core family the good stuff the stuff you want

not a load of recycling to be done everything's happy everything's great I'm starting to agree with you yeah I am actually too much going on man

that's sad isn't it yeah you broke us. Speaking of kids, I can hear ours. I'll get you a big nutcracker tomorrow when I go to the garden centre. You're going to be absolutely buzzing. Hang on, what's that? He's so excited.

He is so excited for Christmas. Robin's in the toilet directly below us now. He's buzzing. He's absolutely buzzing. You could scrape him off the ceiling. He's that excited. It's class. My beef with you, talking about how excited he is, my beef with you is, we said years

ago that we weren't going to bother with a naughty elf thing because it's a pain in the arse. You've basically, you've underhandedly started a naughty elf thing. I didn't. That was Robin. That was Robin. It's painful.

I know. How did Robin start it? Robin said, is this elf magic and does he move? So we've got an elf for the Christmas tree that he just sits, I don't know, we've gone over the years. I think we've got him given or maybe bought him for Robin

when we're out Christmas shopping once I'm not sure he's just a little cuddly elf he's not the naughty elf one who I think looks terrifying by the way

but it's another elf and yeah so you randomly you said to me one morning you were like daddy the elf moved last night

I went oh god and now the pressure I feel when going to bed sorry not only hang on is he he's downstairs at Christmas I feel when going to bed sorry not only hang on is he

he's downstairs at Christmas right when you go to bed at Christmas you finish watching the telly you get the kids in bed you know you come down you have a glass of wine

or whatever you sit and watch a telly on your night off the sheer amount of lights I have to turn off I've got a stitch on a night there's garlands

there's wreaths there's the little houses. There's trees. There's lamps. Your lamp addiction's bad enough. I've got to turn off God knows how many lamps on a night. You've got to have four lamps per room.

Yeah. Honestly, I've got to walk around and turn all kinds off. They're all battery operated as well. They're all battery operated and you've got to change your batteries in. All the batteries are kept in with a tiny little screw

for no reason whatsoever. That's my beef with Christmas stuff. I don't know why everything's screwed in why do they do why batteries are all screwed in everywhere i agree with you with that leave it i know anyway who's trying to nick your double a's god see to be fair they're in high demand this time of year i give start the hell thing the stress i feel every night when i go to bed in my defense i didn't really start it it was robin started it we've got our last gig tonight Leeds Arena right we're fucking

looks like we've made it done the whole tour right against all odds bloody petrol crises and fucking

iron curtains and variants and all kinds of shit but we're doing the whole tour we've finished it hopefully unless something

happens this afternoon and I've got to move it I put it on the top of the fucking curtains last night and your mam came and collared us this morning and went you're going to have to move it. I put it on the top of the fucking curtains last night. And your mum came and called us this morning and went, you're going to have to move that at three o'clock when you leave today

because I can't reach where it is. Right, okay. I've set an alarm in my phone as well. You've set an alarm in your phone to move the fucking elf? What's got into you, man? But he loves it. I know I said I would never do it. It's really annoying.

It's the first thing you want to say in the morning. No, but listen, at least the elf doesn't do anything. He just moves. You had him reading a magazine yesterday, which I found. I put a magazine in front of him. Slippery slope. Oh, shit. Slippery slope. He'd be making a wooden box next. Do you know what I hate, though? I do.

I do hate the naughty elf, because it's just too much hassle. But he does love it. Well. He does. Do you love what I've done with the biscuit tin? That fell apart straight away. So, guys, Rosie bought a biscuit tin with a reindeer on it

and I didn't know that you told Robin this convoluted thing about it doesn't open unless you rub its nose. So, you're holding it closed and he's trying to rag it open and he can't see that you're holding it and then he rub its nose and it opens and he's buzzing.

I didn't know. And he goes, can I get a biscuit? I go, I just lifted the lid off and he's trying to rag it open and he can't see that you're holding it and then he rubbed his nose and it opens and he's buzzing I didn't know and he goes can I get a biscuit and I go and I just lifted the lid off and he was like you didn't rub it how did it open

I was like I'm sorry I wasn't aware of this new fucking booby trap in my own house I just told him that you're naughty

and you don't believe right okay right I went to something the other night did I tell you about this by the way no

bloody hell so went to that thing at night. Did I tell you about this, by the way? No. Bloody hell. So, went to that thing at the Virtue Arena. It was like a North Pole thing you walk through. It was like an experience thing. Well done to all of the actors in that. They were fantastic. Like young adults type, like what I used to do. Okay, elves and that.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It was great. Wonderful. The Bairns absolutely loved it. And so, we're walking through, and in one of them, this elf, right, pointed at me in front of Robin, and he's like,

you're on the naughty list. And I was like, yeah, I'm not. And he's like, yeah, you are. And obviously they were taking the mic, they were doing it with loads of people. Robin is absolutely convinced that I'm naughty, and I'm on the bloody naughty list. I'm having to tell him I'm not.

I had a lovely moment the other day when he explained why you were on the naughty list, which was great. What was he talking about? He's convinced. So Robin was like, Mammy's on the naughty list. Mammy's on the naughty list for shouting at Daddy.

I did say that. Which I thought, I went, yes, she is. She is. I went, should she stop shouting at Daddy, do you think? And he went, yeah. And I went, mm-hmm. He did say that.

That's annoying. I have just to keep up the tradition and to make him reinforce the belief in the whole naughty list but you don't have any presents this year

oh is that what it is yeah I've just got to keep you know got to keep appearances that the elf says are on the naughty list right you don't have anything

this year I might if you're lucky I might get you a couple little bits of dewy to fill your box in January but other than that he's had my life

because he genuinely believes that I'm on the naughty list and it's really upsetting even as an adult it really haunts us that I might be on the naughty list well shouldn't shout at daddy

oh because daddy daddy is a brilliant man in mommy's defence I'm very stressed at the minute and I have I know I've been shouting at you a lot and I don't mean to

but do you know what I would like Chris what like we've been working together a lot recently I'd like to just be a married couple actually for once I'm't mean to but do you know what I would like Chris what like we've been working together a lot recently I'd like to just be a married couple actually for once I'm looking forward

to the gigs being over so we can just go back to being married yeah instead of work colleagues right okay okay do you know what I mean

yeah well I mean that's yeah I've been on HR about your behaviour but yeah we haven't got an HR no

there's a lot of stuff going on I meant Sandra oh right what about Paul poor Paul so Paul's our assistant to our manager to our manager drives us drives us round a lot of stuff going on. I meant Sam drive. All right. What about Paul? Poor Paul. So Paul's our assistant tour manager.

Assistant tour manager drives us, yeah. Drives us round. Jesus Christ. The arguments, he's hurt. All we do is fight in the back of the van. He's sick of his life.

Who's he doing next? Ed Gamble? Aye. He'd be absolutely buzzing. Ed. He's just going to slate us like all the did was fight all I did was argue

I love Paul I love him so much we had a lovely where were we travelling to gosh was it Aberdeen the really long one no it wasn't it was to

Birmingham Manchester Manchester we just listened to musicals you listened to musicals the whole way you actually lost your voice before the gigs

I did yeah to musicals that was fun honestly hand on heart one of the worst college journeys of my life one of the

up there one of the worst college journeys of my life just because you didn't know any of the words you were just jealous it was just horrible it was horrible

the whole thing was horrible I never wanted it to happen again it was awful once I meet the wizard stop when I prove my worth stop stop

can I have a miniature hero, please? She's eating miniature heroes, by the way. It's Christmas. It's Christmas. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. In moderation. Is that what you're thinking of? You can't do anything in moderation.

Fantastic. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder,

April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca.

That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on Saturday, April 13th. When the Toronto rock hosts the Rochester night Hawks at first Ontario center in Hamilton at 7 30 PM. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every post-season game.

And you'll only pay as we play, come along for the ride and punch your ticket to you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public, public. Ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-ba-public. As always, guys,

thank you so, so much for sending in. I mean, you've sent in a load of Christmas-related stuff as well. We really do appreciate it, and appreciate it. And please keep sending in all kinds of you've sent in a load of Christmas related stuff as well, we really do appreciate it and appreciate it and please keep sending in all kinds of stuff for the forthcoming weeks and weeks and weeks and weeks because we're going to do this

podcast forever and ever, amen so there you go, shagmanandownitgmail.com if you want to send stuff in Rosie's just finishing a chocolate and a clay that she got out of a miniature heroes so underrated them, I only ever eat them at Christmas they are so good, do they sell them at the times of yearrated them I only ever eat them at Christmas they are so good do they sell them

at the times of year so I used to eat them all the time my mum used to get us them when I used to go to my nan and grandad's house when I was younger and I remember

I had a bad this is me all over I had a bad one once and I've never had one since what do you mean a bad one it was really weird I don't know what happened to it it was horrible on the inside

was it minty no it was like all dry and manky on the inside and I remember I happened to spit it into a tissue and I haven't had one since.

Did she get them from Woolworths? Probably. Because I used to go out with a lad who worked at Woolworths. Right. All of the sweets in the pick and mixes are just out of date, out of the tins. Brilliant. Apparently.

Great. Hey, anyone from Woolworths listening? Glad you went under. It's shut now. Shitheads. Yeah, glad you went under. Don't speak ill. Shitheads.

Don't speak ill of Woolworths. It was flipping class. Do you remember Woolworths, man? Mint. It's shut now. Shitheads. Yeah, glad he went under. Don't speak ill. Shitheads. Don't speak ill of Woolwats. It was flipping class. Do you remember Woolwats, man? Mint. It was, yeah, I suppose. It was good. It was alright. The toy section in South Shields.

The toy section downstairs in Woolwats was amazing. So good. And I did enjoy the GML videos that you walked past and it was always telling you about a handy cloth or a mop or some shit.

Or like a copper wire brush. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Still got them in Wilkinson. The one in Shields was pretty good to be fair. Yeah, I bloody love Woolwats. Yeah. But it was that thing with everything when it shut down everyone was like, oh god, by a brush. Still got them in Wilkinson. The one in Shields was pretty good to be fair. Yeah, I bloody love Woolworths. But it was that thing with everything

and the one it shut down and everyone was like, oh god, Woolworths has shut down, I can't believe it.

When was the last time you went? Ten years ago. There we go then. Yeah, you've not been helping. Fucking hell.

Jesus. Just a quick, she would chat really quickly about what we talked about in the little break. Yeah,

over Christmas, a general Beef with Christmas for me is Beef christmas is when people refer to days days of the week by their name rather than so people will be like oh yeah i'm looking forward to seeing you on saturday and you go sorry yeah what is that boxing day say boxing day then my mom said it before saturday what are you trying to do to us my mom was like like, on Friday. I was like, what is Friday? Christmas Eve. What number is Friday?

Exactly. There's three main days. There's the shitty bit in between. Daniel's birthday, my nephew's birthday. Bless his heart. Bless his heart. Then there's New Year's Eve, New Year's Day. And then there's just like 6th of January.

What we're doing? Nothing. He's a baby. He doesn't know. It's just another day to him. He can use the day. Was it Tuesday? We'll use the day.. He can use the day. Was it Tuesday? We'll use the day.

Take him for his first happy meal. Was it Monday? No, we're not taking him for his first happy meal on his first birthday, you pig. Why not? Look, I mean, I'll definitely go. I mean, he can have his normal stuff. He can have a chip.

He has chips. He loves the chips. He can have a Big Mac. He's a big lad. How am I? He's the second kid. Beyond his quarter pounder. They do a double quarter pounder now if you can handle it.

They do. Right. Questions. Oh, questions. Okay, here we go. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I'm just listening to the most recent episode of Shagmarinoid, episode 147, Find a Happy Place.

He's been listening to the episode where the guy got the WW2, World War II shell. Up his bum, yeah, yeah, yeah. And I had to stop and tell you this story I used to work for a well-known

finance company right what do you think it is I've got that it goes fast I say I don't

give a fuck oh okay don't know any finance companies I don't know what he means by finance company

like Direct Line, Churchill. That's insurance. So it is. Fucking hell. Wish I'd stuck in a dig tape. Honestly. I don't know any finance companies either but i thought

thought i was right anyway one of our customers raised a complaint because her application was rejected right we required additional proof that she didn't provide we agreed to take another look sorry so it's finance to like finance cars and stuff i'm guessing right okay so we agreed to take another look but she would need to send in her bank statements. Right. This is where it gets a bit weird. On this person's bank statement, bald as brass, was

a purchase for, Christmas link, a baby Jesus butt plug. Oh no! Oh no! Look, I'm not religious and I think that's a step too far. That's terrible. This led to a very regrettable Google search on the work computer.

No way. And several people gathered round a desk as we all agreed this person was a pervert of epic proportions and should be locked up. Yes. I agree with Rosie should be locked up. Yes. I agree with Rosie. Stick stuff up your bum. Just choose better. Oh, man alive.

Oh, that is... So, baby Jesus. A baby Jesus? Not even just Jesus? No, no, yeah. A baby Jesus. That's bad, isn't it? That's bad.

That's bad. Do you know what? Do you know what I would say if someone tried to put a baby Jesus butt plug up my bum? I'd say there's no room at the inn. Honestly, all them years, the bloody frog and buggy. Comedy clubs, comedy circuits.

Can you see me? Hey, hey, Hyena Comedy Cafe, Newcastle. Can you see me now? There he is, there he is. Can you see me now? Wonderful. Well done. There we go. Where's see me now? Wonderful. Well done. There we go.

Where's the donkey? That's what I want to know. That's a bigger one, that. Massive the donkey one. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I have been trying to block this story from my memory for years. Oh.

Let me take you back. Take you back, y'all, to Christmas 2015. Okay. That was when Robin was born. Yes. That was a lovely Christmas for us. I do remember that, yeah. The family had gathered at my dad's house for Christmas lunch.

The usual attendees were there, cousins, aunts, uncles, etc. Except this time, Nana was coming and she was bringing her new boyfriend. Fantastic. Get in, Nana. We've never been very close to Nana as she she lives overseas in australia for most of my life she isn't particularly family family orientated and for some reason has never learned how to spell my name correctly wow that's grim for 23 years she has spelt my name o-l-i-v-i-e-r my name is olivia right so she writes ol Oliver. She's gonna Olivia rather than Olivia.

Not a hard name to spell. Anyway, back to the story. She's bitter about that. But I understand that. Imagine if your nana couldn't spell your name. Like, nana? Are you taking the piss?

Yeah. For years, that's, yeah. I mean, my nana's got like 23 grandkids so I could let her off. Yeah. But. Still though,

she's not got much else to do. That is true. She's been retired for years. She doesn't want a job. Learn everyone's name. Learn your spellings. Exactly. Lazy.

Lazy. Sorry Bridget if you're listening. I was kidding. Nana. Don't even. I love bloody Bridget. Can't wait to see Bridget on Christmas. Didn't see her last year.

I know. How are they? But we're going to see her this year Nana. Don't care what happens year. I know. How are they? But we're going to see her this year, Nana. Don't care what happens. Go fuck himself. It was her first Christmas back in New Zealand and we thought, tis the season, let's invite her.

This was our first mistake. Okay. So these are New Zealand. Right. So these aren't in England. Oh, so these guys are... Right, so they're New Zealand and she lives... They're in New Zealand and she's in Australia.

Overseas, they said, in Australia. It's round the corner. Probably, I don't know. I know. We'll get a lot of Australian people and New Zealand people writing in. You know what, maybe in the future we should do a two-hour show in Australia at some point. Honestly, a lot of these are Australia heavy. Amazing.

And I love it. Okay, then. Right. She arrived hand-in-hand with her boyfriend and immediately made a beeline for the couch, insisting that my brother and I move so they could sit down. Fantastic. Sounds nice. She didn't even say hello or introduce us to the guy. I was planning on moving anyway, but that request low-key high-key pissed me off.

Regardless, we moved to let them sit. This is not the usual Nana. No. Right? Coming in with our new fella, strutting about, demanding sofa space. Yeah. From overseas. Eh? I just called her a bitch. I feel a bit bad.

Being a Kiwi Christmas, the drinks started pouring during breakfast. Get in. Oi, oi. Without saying hello, Nana insisted that my younger cousin get the two of them a drink. He obliged and handed them both their drinks with a passive-aggressive merry christmas which made us all giggle under our breath my dad and my oldest brother were outside manning the barbecue we were all quite peckish at this point so when they came inside carrying the food christmas barbecue yeah wow

i know that'll be cool okay it's boiling on Christmas Day in Australia. This is in New Zealand, but fair enough. It's not far, is it? It's still there somewhere. Yeah. Yeah. We all followed them to the kitchen, so they brought the barbecue food in. Everyone's got in the kitchen.

At least I thought it was all of us. Everyone but Nana and her boyfriend. Leaving them alone was our second mistake. First mistake. What was the first mistake? Inviting them. Inviting them, right. The second mistake was leaving them alone in the lounge mistake First mistake What was the first mistake? Inviting them Second mistake was leaving them alone In the lounge I don't know, I don't like where this is going

After gathering food and more drinks We made our way to the lounge to eat This is the moment that I wish I could block out of my memory Shut up man In the few minutes that we were gone Nana had decided to give her boyfriend a lap dance. Get in, Nana. Get in.

No. Loving it. All of her grandkids walked in the room at the same time to see her straddling this man, her hands in the air, and his under her shirt, grabbing her breasts. Merry Christmas.

This is... Absolutely horrendous. The worst part, they didn't stop. They had seen us walk in the room and they thought, fuck it, let's keep going. We were horrified

and ran out of the room nearly dropping our plates. We were all put off our food so we sat outside in silence with full plates on our laps and the image of Nana and that weird dude burnt into our brains. Wow. And then it says here to finish off.

And that is why Nana isn't invited to Christmas anymore. Lap dancing Nana. Lap dancing Nana. I don't want to shame Nana for being old and lap dancing here. No, no, no, I'm sorry. But on Christmas Day. On Christmas Day in on Christmas Day, in front of all your family,

that's vile. Was there any music on? That's my question. No, she didn't say the word. What was she lap dancing to? Let's think of the best Christmas lap dance song. Feliz Navidad. Feliz Navidad.

Da, da, da, da. Feliz Navidad. Yeah. Yeah, baby. Feliz Navidad. Come on, prospero. Prospero año y Navidad. Yeah, baby. Feliz Navidad. Prospero año y felicidad. Yeah, I want to wish you a Merry Christmas. Come on, get up on this.

I want to wish you a Merry Christmas. Come on, Bruce. I want to wish you a Merry... Oh, Sheila. From the bottom of my crotch. Very good. Very good. Yeah, I think that's a good one.

Do you know I got Karen Howard when I was doing Strictly, I teach her the words to Feliz Navidad. So do them because I really want to know. Feliz Navidad. Prospero año y felicidad. Now, I'm assuming... Prospero año y felicidad.

I think that's right. If I've slightly done it wrong, it's been a few years. Lots happened since I last spoke to Karen, let's be honest, in the world. So I might have forgot a couple of things, but I literally got it. She was like, what the hell's wrong with you?

And I was like, can you tell us? Because I've always wanted to know the words to it. It's a banging song. One of the best ones. I haven't heard it yet this year. I'm going to put it on today. Yes. Let's cheer ourselves up and put that on this year.

Okay. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Please keep this anonymous and all that shit because my family still haven put that on. Yeah. Okay. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Please keep this anonymous and all that shit because my family still haven't forgiven me. Wonderful. So you can usually find me snuggled up on the sofa with a hot chocolate on Christmas Eve,

but this one year was different. Okay. I was 21 at the time and I just had my heart broken in a stupid, stupid attempt to make myself feel a bit more merry. Me and the girls decided to go out for a couple of drinks. Get in on christmas eve i've done that before bang a night oh christmas christmas eve's a banging night it is but not worth it not when you're newly single remember i did it i wrote about it in the book oh yeah golic uh golic sauce and crying yeah me and stephanie my mom had to tell what we're both crying in front of the christmas tree it was grim anyway mistake just

put it is fast forward to the early hours of Christmas morning and I am absolutely hammered, knocking on my front door in floods of tears. My dad, concerned, opened the door and asked me what was wrong. I don't have enough money to pay for the taxi!

I don't have enough money to pay for the taxi, that was. The taxi driver sat at the end of my drive, shouted to my dad, I don't know if we paid for the taxi, that was. The taxi driver sat at the end of my drive, shouted at my dad, I don't know why she's crying, mate. She paid us for the taxi up front before we set off. In my drunken state, I had completely forgotten that I had already paid for the taxi. My dad laughed and told me I should probably go to bed. Probably should.

The next morning, or so I thought, I woke up with a banging headache and little to no recollection of the last 12 hours. I went to grab my phone, but I couldn't find it. So I picked up my iPad to see that it was 12pm on Christmas Day. Shit. I slept in. It's fully blown lunchtime. I ran downstairs to find my parents, but there was no one there.

I searched for my phone some more and with no luck i used my ipad to call my mum on whatsapp oh she answered and angrily told me that they were at my grandma's for christmas dinner and when she had tried to wake me that morning to open presents i had told her to piss off and gone back to sleep merry christmas merry christmas indeed so they so they left the presents and went to my grandma's without me. I told my mum that I needed to find my phone and then I would drive over. I quickly realised that there were two issues with this. One, I'm definitely still drunk. And two, my phone is nowhere to be found.

As I was pondering what to do, I remembered that me and my ex had Find My Friends set up on our phones. And in that moment, I knew I had no other option at this point. friends set up on our phones and in that moment i knew i had no other option at this point i had to use my ipad to ring my ex-boyfriend on christmas day via facebook messenger the shame oh my god the phone call went like this no phone's worth that fuck it so the phone call went like this me merry christmas him er hi me hi I know this is a strange request but is there any way

you can track the location of my phone my ex side what have you done now so he located my phone and it was about

10 miles away from my house in a village called Otley you heard of Otley and Leeds Otley Run and Leeds yeah the Otley Run yeah

that's weird I thought sorry Otley Run's a pub crawl for anyone who doesn't know it's a pub crawl yeah yeah yeah studentsley and Leeds Otley Run and Leeds yeah the Otley Run yeah that's weird I thought sorry Otley Run's a pub crawl for anyone who doesn't know it's a pub crawl yeah yeah yeah students do in Leeds yeah

that's weird I thought I wasn't in Otley just as I was trying to retrace my very hazy steps I got a message request on Facebook Messenger it was from a middle aged woman

named Susan she had a short blonde bob and a kind face thanks for that nice woman named Susan. She had a short blonde bob and a kind face. Thanks for that. Nice. Do you know what that says to me? Yeah. She's ugly.

Wow. That says to me that friend request from someone I don't know. They do have a kind face though. I kind of get that. I do sort of get that people have got kind faces. I think they just don't look like horrible bitches. Yeah, no. I've never ever described

someone as having a kind face. I thought it was I think it's sweet. No, it's weird. It's really weird. Susan's added that. It's something you'd write in a children's book

and I don't like it. Right, okay. Fair enough. Susan's wrote Hi Asterix Oh, her name. Okay, yeah, yeah. I hope you're having a nice christmas i've just found

your phone driver's license and debit card in my son's room oh fuck oh my god had i had a one night stand and not remembered and left my phone at this man's house how drunk was i good grief i'm really sorry the message continued she's sorry why would she be apologizing this has happened before and i Good grief. Oh. Wow. way for you to get it back very sweet and all susan but give me a call how am i supposed to do that when your kleptomaniac son stole my phone wow so the sons stole a phone right okay and that purse oh man but my annoying on christmas eve i know i know my annoying soon subsided and i was just relieved that i hadn't drunkenly slept with her making son got you anyway I bet he had a kind cock though oh really kind so sweet

compliment you after he had a he had a kind cock and generous balls but a very spiteful arsehole told me there was no room at the inn

I was gonna clap you then. Anyway, I called her again via Facebook Messenger on her iPad. Jesus. She is literally spending her Christmas here like everyone's Nana. I'm phoning you on Facebook. I just got an iPad. Your granddad got us an iPad. I'm phoning you on Facebook. I've just got an iPad. Your grandad got us an iPad. I'm phoning you on Facebook.

Eee, technology these days. You alright? I'm in the same room as your Nana. You alright? Sounds like your mum. Will not let me book holidays on the iPad. Do you know I went along with that? I just went along with it to make my life easier. She's just adamant

that she is not allowed to book a holiday on an iPad. Crazy. Anyway, she gave me her address and told me they were free for me to come and collect my phone whenever. Shamefully, I then had to call my dad via the iPad to tell him that my phone was at a thief's house 10 miles away. I was too over the limit to drive and then beg him to leave his Christmas dinner and take me to collect it. Begrudgingly, my dad drove back to our house to then drive over to Susan's house to collect my belongings.

Wow. So he stole your phone, did he? My dad asked with a raised eyebrow. Wasn't a one night stand. Imagine, like, hmm, yeah. Yeah. We arrived at the house and out trudged a very guilty-looking young man.

He came over the car and passed me my phone, debit card and driver's licence. Sorry, he muttered. He started to walk away but quickly turned back and said, eh, you'll probably want to report your card stolen because I brought me mate a few drinks, sorry. Wow, what a piece of shit. Little shit. Wow.

And then he just goes on to say how her family said that she ruined Christmas. But then she said to us, hope you and the family have a wonderful Christmas. I mean, well, no matter what happens, it'll be better than that. Fucking shocker of a Christmas. Grim, isn't it? I remember when I used to go drinking, my mum's main thing, if I went out drinking on Christmas Eve, my mum's main thing was like, do not be rat-ossed for Christmas Day.

I've spent Christmas Day at my mum and dad's house in some fucking atrocious state back in the day. I'm not hungover, I'm fine. Just fucked. Dying. Yeah. Just books fizz for breakfast, just hoeing it down as a bit hair of the dog.

I don't know about you though, but I don't think I really relished in those Christmas Day naps enough. Yeah, I know what you mean. Because we're not going to get one of them for years. No chance that we're getting Christmas Day naps. No because you mean we're not going to get one of them for years no chance no never like when like and this is really bad but everything santa's got for robin just in case anyone's listening well i mean you should i mean you shouldn't be i've just literally i've literally

said the word spiteful arsehole not four minutes ago um um this stuff you've got to put together is it's hard graft like yeah it's hard graft of get it out come play with this I'll put that together for 20 minutes come play with this I'll put that together

for 20 minutes it's a lot like we'll look back you know it's brilliant but all I'll say is it is worth setting stuff up

and just wrapping it up already set up rather than in a box like if I had the time I would wrap all of the Hot Wheels do people do that yeah you wrap

literally a whole load of paper around it it's a massive present oh my god and then pull it out and it's already done and then just play with it straight away

that's grim it's not grim isn't it? well if you didn't want to play with it it's me with my Ikea toolkit on Christmas day oh sorry sick

what time do you think he's going to get up this year? so we're going to have Rafe as well and Rafe's going to there might be a shout for us to sleep in separate beds me and one on Christmas Eve because as soon as if Rafe's going to... There might be a shout for us to sleep in separate beds. Me and Robin.

Oh, on Christmas Eve. Because as soon as... If Rafe makes a noise at about four in the morning and Robin hears it, he'll be up. And that'll be that. Oh, man. That'll be that. Yeah, okay.

We might need to think through the stocking situation. Mm-hmm. Okay. We'll see. We'll chat. Mm-hmm. Hi, Rosie and Chris. I hope you're both doing okay.

No, but thanks anyway everything's rubbish keep going it's been on and off for a few weeks now it's all coming back it's all coming back to me now we're actually okay

I'm joking we're actually fine I'm not I'm falling apart Rosie's exhausted we've got one arena left then we're done I'm not talking about that

no I mean I am exhausted because I feel like all we've done is work and i'm looking for some time off but it's just the current current state of the stop country stop let's just let's just keep going right okay this is a good story i was somewhat triggered by the man pissing in the laundry story and thought my own version might be perfect for you to enjoy okay i can't generally can't remember that but okay let me set scene. I met my now ex-husband in May 1993 and had our first child the following March. In brackets, I know, slag.

Yes. Fast forward to our first Christmas as a family of three. We went to stay at my mum's. We spent a lovely Christmas Eve getting ready to shower the baby in gifts she would not notice or appreciate and enjoying a few drinks. Brilliant. So true.

As in the way when you haven't been out for ages and haven't yet learned how horrific a hangover is with a small child in the house, we had several too many and wobbled off to bed after leaving the required carrot

for Rudolph and mince pie for Santa. Again, to be totally unnoticed and unappreciated by the nine-month-old child. Yeah. We've done that.

It's ridiculous. Yeah. Well, no, we didn't do it the first year. We didn't do it the first year. We did it the second year. Still have no idea. No idea what's going. Yeah. Well, no, we didn't do it the first year. We didn't do the first year. We did it the second year. Still have no idea. No idea what's going on.

This is going to be the sixth. Yeah. And this is the first year I'll remember. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. During the night, our daughter woke up crying. Not unusual at nine months. I fished her out of the travel cot she was in next to our bed in mum's spare room.

What? I've just worked it out. Go on. What? I've just worked it out. Oh. As I picked her out. Was she wet? As I picked her up, I realised why she was crying.

Her nappy had leaked quite a lot. As I changed her, I noticed her nappy wasn't actually at leakage capacity and not only was her baby grow wet but also her hair. Oh dude.

Further investigation led me to discover the sheets were also wet. You've guessed it. I guessed it straight away. It was at this point I realised her drunken father had got up for a wee in an unfamiliar house and pissed not only into the travel cot but all over our precious daughter. Nine-one. Merry Christmas.

That's so grim, isn't it? Directly pissing on a nine-one-fold baby. On a head. Directly pissing on a nine-one-fold baby in the dark is one of the worst things we've said on this podcast. It's one of the worst things. In the name this podcast. It's one of the worst things. In the name of the Father and the Son and the... It says, yeah.

Being quite a new relationship and having a decent sense of humour, I did quite quickly see the funny side. Fucking hell, wow. I mean, I wouldn't have, but... Wow. At the end, he's not done it deliberately. No. Hang on, it goes on to say, want... Wow. At the end, he's not done it deliberately. No. He's been...

Hang on, it goes on to say, want to tell it to her wedding, that one. However, when he did a rerun the following Christmas Eve, this time choosing the box of neatly wrapped gifts as his target, Santa could hear me shouting in Lapland. Wow. Turns out he is one of them men who can't find a toilet drunk and we have had several repeat episodes over the years, which you could say was quite the beef. Wow. So he's just one of them men who can't find a toilet trunk and we have had several repeat episodes over the years

which you could say was quite the beef wow so he's just one of those blokes who like you know blokes pissing cupheads and everything but

in a travel cot in a travel cot with a baby I mean that poor baby just lying there just but he must have like he must have just

he must have pissed directly on the baby then rolled into bed and seconds later the baby must have walked the oh that's fantastic that like it's just poor baby oh my god so funny though oh this is good we went on to have two more children and the middle child who often complains about her middle status not many photos etc etc was never pissed on by her father and listens to the podcast. So please don't make me anonymous and let Molly know she is loved.

Well done. Just in a much drier way. Molly, you were never pissed on. You won. I know. You won this. Thanks for the laughter. You're not baptised, Molly.

Oh, no. The other two have been baptised in pissing you up. Imagine. Oh, jeez. molly so oh no the other two have been baptized in pissing you up imagine oh that was from tracy absolutely wonderful story thank you tracy that was phenomenal well done merry christmas to all and to all a pissy night merry christmas everybody merry christmas guys wonderful wonderful christmas please Merry Christmas everybody Merry Christmas guys Have a wonderful wonderful Christmas

please enjoy it with your loved ones much much love from us and as always thank you so much for listening to Shag Marinoid which is part of

the Acast Creator Network Just want to add to that very very Merry Christmas have a wonderful wonderful time be merry enjoy yourselves in whatever way you do

and we will be back in your ears next year. Yes, next year. 2022, whoa, hey, time flies when you're having fun, doesn't it? Where's that year gone? Love you. Bye.

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