Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 149. Dipped in fat

Episode Date: January 7, 2022

It's 2022 and Rosie and Chris are celebrating with fireworks, sort of. Sandra's Christmas presents get a shout out and Rosie has beef with Chris's cold.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag, Mind and Oid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, dot ca That on YouTube? Yeah. Yeah, video and audio. Guys, I don't know if you can... That's good. Brilliant. I don't know if you can hear that, but that, I mean, that is horrible. That is...

Oh. Ten hours. It must be on a loop. It can't be this... Oh, it must be fake. Oh, yeah, they've just computer generated. Oh, are they? Jesus Christ.

I think so. It actually just sounds like... Stop it. It literally sounds like... It sounds like... And this will be referenced because it's been the Christmas holidays. It actually just sounds like... Stop it. It literally sounds like... It sounds like... And this will be referenced because it's been the Christmas holidays. It sounds like when Marv and Harry

are trying to get into Kevin's house on Home Alone and he puts the Angel With Dirty Faces film on but then he puts the firecrackers in the pan at the door and they explode. Filthy animal. Yeah, I mean, awful. Just awful. As far as your sound effects go,

that was up there with one of the worst ones that you've ever done. Do you know what? Good to start the year. They've screwed me with this bloody law where you can't play any music or any songs or anything. I don't know if it's a law. I think we can play music and songs,

but I think we'd have to pay for them if we did. And I'm all right losing any money just for you fannying on me on that top. No, I'm going to look into that because I think if you just pay a certain amount, you can use certain ones. I'm going to look into it because honestly, it's really depressing.

I remember for one of my stand-up DVDs, well, for my stand-up DVD, not my special, for my stand-up dvd what i did uh the all grown up one i wanted to use a blink 102 song and it was an eye water an amount of money how much it was it was thousands and thousands and thousands of pounds that they wanted and i remember i remember dare i say it yeah being a little bit upset because i used to love blink 102 and then i heard they wanted thousands of pounds just for us to put my song on their DVD and of course it's their art and I shouldn't be paying for it. I didn't expect it for free.

But I just remember thinking, right, well, me, Mark, Tom and Travis aren't mates. So there we go. So do they get that full money? No, it'll be a record label. Oh, right, okay. That's pretty cool though, that, innit? That's where the money is, kids.

That's where the money is. Write your own songs. Oh, God, yeah. Produce your own shit. Well, yeah, that's why i had cheering and people like that you know make yeah god right like you write a song for one direction back in the day yeah you're sorted is it too late for me to write a song for one direction i mean you never know oh yeah you'd have to get them back together first that'll be worth more

if you got them back together single-handedly that'll be worth more than writing a song for them just being the person who got one day back together imagine you just you wrangling them up lads sit down come on listen let's talk this through let's put our differences aside stop look stop let's all just stop getting tattoos and being weird and let's all just you've got mouths to feed now now come on let's talk this through we are we're back we had a little week off hope you all had a gorgeous christmas and a very happy new year we actually i enjoyed this christmas yeah it was your first one that you've had for ages sorry by the way guys i'm i've got a head cold i'm all stuffy and snotty i sound very slightly like a pilot telling you how long your flight's gonna be you've not mentioned

this cold at all in the house no i've sold it on like you can absolutely you can fuck off dare say it i've been a brave little boy i think i've been a brave little boy chris oh this is this is what he does this is what he does every time that i'm like you're all right man it's just a cold bloody bloody blah he just has a little cough has a little sniff or a little cough yeah yeah still going there's still a thing you know cold can you believe it wouldn't wouldn't think it no no i don't think they are i think they've all been wiped out um listen in this episode to start off 2022 it's episode 149 right great that has nothing very exciting no it does yeah if you do the maths on it it's very can you believe the numbers right listen can you believe are you gonna say can you believe

we've been doing this for 149 no absolutely not i was gonna say can you believe it's 2022 because uh yeah i shouted to myself in the car i was in the car yesterday i went to pick up a curry from the curry house and an advert came on the radio and it said i want to spread joy in 2022 or something and i was like what the hell are you talking about and i went oh fuck it's 2022 just if you just cast your mind back though right i remember do you remember the millennium right I remember the millennium I think I was like 14 right and that was 22 years ago 22 years ago

oh my god that's that's vomit inducing like do you know what I mean you're 13 but yeah

was I 13 yeah alright fucking hell oh my god who's who's me how can't you ever sort

I don't know I just remember because I was 13 and I had I had WKDI in brews at a millennium party I had aKDI in Bruce at a Millennium Party I had a crop top on

not even a crop top it was like a boob tube I had it all in my stomach in December yeah you catch a bloody death give a shit

the hell's going on what a house party that was a house party that me nana went down the stairs in a bean bag in a bean bag and split the bean bag

yes yes I do remember that classic crawfad slash winter story there. Brilliant stuff. Starting off it. Guys, it is episode 149, as I already said.

Happy New Year 2022. And without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, this year's first lucrative sponsor. Hashing out this old shite. Listen, this year's first lucrative, lucrative sponsor is, and it's topical, hashing out this old shite. Listen, this year's first lucrative lucrative sponsor is, and it's topical, trying to buy more than one paracetamol product in a supermarket in England.

Oh my fucking God. I don't know why this upsets you so much. They act like you've went in with a fucking belt round your arm and a rusty spoon in your hand and a syringe in your mouth going, can I have some more? They literally, it's fucking ridiculous the way they act. Yes, but you know why they do it? You know why they do it?

Why? So that people can't overdose and buy too many. You've got to fucking take millions of them, man. I know, but we're not getting on to that subject. Come on. Yeah, and he gets 16 in a pack. Rosie, I went in the other day and I tried to buy, and they're like, I've stopped you. You can go on your own. Do you know what they were? It was two bottles of Calpol. What's going on, man?

You're not allowed to buy Calpol. Not that anyone got it, but there's a fucking pandemic and I'm not allowed to buy two lots of paracetamol product. And she was like, I'll run it through on a separate one, but don't tell anyone. Well, I've told everyone on the podcast. Oh my God. It's fucking ridiculous man

I tell you what we I think we are keeping Calpol in business oh yeah yeah big shout out to Calpol I honestly love a bit

of fucking Calpol and also them teeth and powders yeah yeah yeah they should sponsor this yeah do you ever do you ever have a little

snifter of the Calpol when you give it to the kids no I always do do you ever have a little snifter yourself little five mil of the cowpaw when you give it to the kids? No. Oh, I always do. Do you ever have a little snifter yourself? A little five mil? No.

One for me, one for you? No. Do you not? I love cowpaw. That's why you shouldn't sell Paracetamol to ye. Oh, it's great, man. I mean, the coffee. Why do you take the cowpaw?

Because it tastes nice. Oh, no. Oh, I love it. Well, Robin's currently going through that thing now. Robin's on six plus now. He's devastated. I know. Can you remember how devastated you were when you were a kid when you went from the purple

cowpaw to the red or the white one absolutely you got upset when shit gets real didn't it it was a couple of months ago i think you got a bit upset and i was like looking just to have double of the normal cowpaw and you'll be all right right yeah pathetic i remember that that was it was up there with me for that time when you made us go and get me own birthday cake last year or the year before when I was you were like

you just made us go to the shop and I had to go and buy me own cake but I'd already I'd already been on a cake a cake a week because it was the lockdown so cakes weren't special anymore do you not think

there's just too many things nowadays too many things do you not think there's too many things do you not know like honestly there's too many things so you just stay in there keep your sniffs to yourself hold on what do you mean Too many things. I can't keep up, Chris. Do you not think there's too many things? Do you not know, like, honestly, there's too many things.

So you just saying there, keep your sniffs to yourself. So, hold on. What do you mean too many things? So, you just saying there, I had to buy my own birthday cake, right? My brain goes to, oh, fuck me. Because I just feel like

I've got too many things to think about. Oh, well, didn't you and all of our friends who've got children, didn't you all decide on a night out over Christmas That you're not doing presents next year for all the children Well right

The old fucking Scrooge meeting as I call it No I was over the moon Guys shall we just agree That the children will get less presents Yeah right okay Guys they were all sitting in a pub in South Shields And they're all Oh isn't it a nightmare Buying stuff for the kids Because we're all sitting, guys, we're all sitting in a pub in South Shields. And they're all, have you, what have you bought?

Oh, isn't it a nightmare buying stuff for the kids? I'll get your kids, fuck all. And you get my kids, fuck all. Mortified. Don't even, because it was Chloe, I'm going to call her out here. Chloe, right? Chloe Pratt. She was chatting about it.

And I'd bought them all something and it was an absolute nightmare because when we started doing it it was an absolute nightmare it was it was a nightmare when we started doing it there was only two kids

yeah there was Robin and Polly that was it yeah so Polly's like how old's Polly now nearly eight and Robin's six

and there was only them two out of all the friends we were the first ones with kids and it was like oh this is fine this is just a little exchange sorry two seconds you and Chloe

first one with the kids slags right carry on yeah of course yeah yeah yeah couldn't couldn't give a like shut it

right honestly so it was fine but then but then what happened oh no sorry there was Lucy as well

there was Lucy and she was older she's 30 odd Lucy man I was just like 13 no so there was 20 just easily, there was Lucy as well. There was Lucy. Ah, but Lucy, she's 30-odd, Lucy, man. She's like 13. No, so there was... 20, just easily 20. There was three kids, and that was it. And it was fine.

Three kids, great. Loved buying for kids back then. Oh, what should I buy? I've got loads of time. Only got one kid. What should I buy all the other kids? Now, there's fucking loads of them. Everyone's had a kid.

Everyone's had two kids. Sorry, let's end it up again. Slugs. Right, carry on. No, but everyone's had multiple children. Some are pregnant now, and all I think is, I've got to buy that fucker a present next year.

That fucker? Eee, Mike. I've got to buy that. See, you're pointing at pregnant women's bellies going, I've got to buy that fucker a present next year. Oh my gosh. There you go. The spirit of Christmas is alive and well

in our house, guys. It's true. And then, so Chloe brought it up and she went, look here, we've decided we're just not going to do true. And then so Chloe brought it up and she went look here we've decided we're just not going to do it and I hadn't been privy to this conversation and I overheard I was like did I hear what I think I just heard and she went

yeah we're not going to buy kids presents. I was like Hallelujah! Wow. Wow. And I pointed at my pregnant friend and went thank god that fuck has not been anything next year. Goodness me. We haven't even done an intro this isn't i mean this is it we haven't even done a jingle i don't know we're not buying presents next year right it's just do you know do you know right he has something for you so there's there's about oh there's about 12 kids underneath under two right so i bought you know them little pianos they're 20

20 quid each right and I just bought loads of them a stock of them look like a fucking toy factory in the garage yeah Rosie looks like

she's trying to start a little band and I just thought I'm not doing this yeah not doing this so I'm really glad okay

so anyway yeah that's good so just to just to summarise all of the children we know I'll get less presents next year possibly six less presents next year possibly

six less presents maybe more than six maybe ten as well I need to check if they've got anything for Robin this year because I wasn't

privy to this conversation I was like I've already bought them but what I will do is I'll unwrap them all and re-gift them to Robin's friends from school

for the birthday parties so if you know us look forward to that piano you're going to get. Merry Christmas. I know they're too old for them. That'll be the younger ones' birthdays.

Birthdays, I don't mind. I don't mind birthdays. Only if I'm going to a party. Fucking hell. If there's no party, no present. Right, great. That's good. So the rules according to Rosieie ramsey you get a birthday

present if i'm at your party if i don't get if i can't eat the worth of that present in nibbles at that party you don't get that present end of covid i'm the only good thing really to come out of lockdown no presents no parties what what a horrible woman you are. This is awful. Honestly. Guys, I don't think... I've got a cold. I think it's just depression.

I've knocked about with Blim and the Grinch over here. He'll raise his birthday tomorrow. He'll go out the shop and get his hand caught. Cake. Right. Should do the jingle. God almighty. 12 minute intro.

We'll play the jingle. It doesn't make any difference. It does, man. Here's the jingle. No presents, no parties. No parties, no presents. We're right about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle.

So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Jingle! Hello and welcome back. It's so lovely to be back and so lovely to be chatting to you all again. It is nice to be back on. It took us a while to get motivated to do it this week.

It really did because having a week off, it's not like riding a bike. You almost forget. And obviously I'm, you know, extremely ill on death's talk and barely talk. And... Do you know what, Christopher? Christopher had so long in bed the other day that he

watched a film a full film feature length i played on my playstation as well and then you moaned about how long the film was how long was it on board too long it's like two hours 20 fucking honestly honestly like just a shout out to everyone making films yeah we're busy no rain it in we're like honestly i agree 90 minutes get your editor on it yeah get it edited down 90 minutes bish bash bosh we're done yes of course i will watch six episodes of an hbo series which is 50 minutes back to back in one night but that's my choice that's 50 minutes that is a 50 minute um sort of you know i have to commit to 50 minutes of stuff and I can take the lead there's break points

right either here's your options filmmakers right either 90 minutes maximum for your film

get your reddit right or go the other way go hard or go home do Zack Snyder Justice League it's about four and a half hours

it's got chapters right it's got about five chapters so every chapter, when it came up, we were a big black screen, chapter two,

I went, brilliant, I'm done. And tell us to go to bed. Tell us to go to bed. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, go to bed. Put your films in chapters or make them 90 minutes. What?

Three hours? Oh, Chris. Quentin? Quentin Tarantino? He loves it. Mate, when I was at uni, Quentin, Quentin,

when I was at uni, absolutely, mate, I'm all over you. Now, once upon a time in America. How long? Well, what's that one we've not seen about the gangsters? Oh, the Martin Scorsese one. The Irishman. Still not seen

the Irishman? Because it comes up and I go with the time. Three and a half! You can fuck off. Do you know they actually didn't use, you know how they said in the news and everything that they used in the media and that they used the special computers to sort of age they make the actors look younger and age and stuff they actually just started filming it in real time and by three hours they were 70 years old yeah it upsets me because i do i love a film but i will look at how long they are

on and i'll just go no i'm sorry and i mean i will have a look for about 20 minutes so oh yeah i'm very aware that we are both massive hypocrites and full of bullshit and yeah we watched like two and a half episodes of outlander last night so still going strong on outlander it's it's it's getting better and better just i mean the second series was rough a little bit tough going yeah um it got a bit french oh is that when they went yeah I didn't enjoy that one as much

but it's absolutely wonderful oh my god very very good if you know honestly guys I know it's not sort of

it's on Prime but it's not on any of the main channels and stuff and you know it's amazing have a try of it Sam Heughan is

unbelievable I mean I fancy him I'm straight oh I mean absolutely yeah it's weird because I know

he listens to it so I'm sort of trying to back him up he doesn't listen to the podcast his people listen so don't tell him because he signed a book from me fancy a man straight oh I mean absolutely yeah it's weird because I know he listens to it so I'm sort of trying to back him up he doesn't listen to the podcast his people listen so don't tell him

because he signed a book from your mom didn't he he did sign a book from your mom so don't yeah your mom was buzzing with that

yeah I will stammer when I meet him I think if I will be like yeah he's a very very fit man but the character

is perfect as well he always does the right thing yeah wow Chris this is a bit should I not tuck my pants off here oh no yeah no i mean it weird i'll put this bit weird bit weird the only criticism i've got is that um it's meant to be 20 odd years later

and he looks just as majestic as he did but i feel like i feel like i feel like i feel like the producers have made a choice of going look this is our leading man he's fit as fuck you know even Chris Ramsey fancies him for God's sake we can age him and make him look old

and go through hours of make up every day or shall we just use a bit of artistic license keep him fit as fuck and make it literally so his daughter is the same age as him

oh yeah yeah yeah I think they just went for it I'm happy they've done that I'm happy they've done that I'm happy about it because it's an enjoying little watch wet floor side yeah absolutely wide on I think they just went for it I'm happy they've done that I'm happy about it because it's an enjoying little watch wet floor side

yeah wide on Asaurus going on Asaurus I don't know why I said Asaurus I think it's because I said wide on

I thought let's make it a bit more fun wide on Asaurus didn't work still gross sorry about that okay

babadoo babadoo babadoo so obviously Christmas has just been what no hope you all genuinely right hope you all managed to enjoy it because I know there was so many people like that okay so obviously Christmas has just been what no hope you all genuinely right hope you all

managed to enjoy it because I know there was so many people who caught the Omicron big shout out to everyone who got

Omicron lost the sense of smell and then got scented candles for Christmas because that must have been a right

kick in the dick well yeah but obviously as well having to miss time with family yeah oh look at this Christmas because that must have been a right kick in the dick. Well, yeah, but obviously as well, having to miss time with family. Oh, look at this.

Sorry, I've just been eating chocolate and it really went, took on my throat. So, we, I don't know how we managed this, but obviously my nana has a party every boxing day and we haven't had it for the last couple of weeks. No, we didn't have it last year obviously because we're on lockdown, but we had it the year before but I was poorly

so I had missed two but this year we were like determined to have it so everyone did lateral flows and stuff like that and the whatsapp message on that morning of Boxing Day was

it was a little bit tense because everyone was like who's not going to be able to come what's happening everyone was negative and it was unbelievable so we managed to

we did we had the party it was absolutely I think everyone was so ecstatic to be there and just kind of like we've done it we're here also there was a setup a setup um a health and safety nightmare setup a part of that party that i everyone's doing lateral flows to try and be safe yeah right but your uncle brought a pizza oven yeah and a gas pizza oven with real flames and they all set it up in a shed outside.

I didn't realise it had flames. You didn't realise it had flames. What do you think he fucking cooked it with? Goodwill? Yeah, of course. I don't even know. It was a gas-fired pizza oven and they set it up in a shed outside

and everyone kept disappearing to this shed to cook pizzas. And I was like, we're all going to die. We've all done that with floors but we're gonna burn the fucking house down but the pizzas were amazing

and big shout out to the uncle who sorted that out it was amazing Uncle Kev it was lush but what I found hilarious was obviously everyone

had done a lateral floor every single person who came the only person who didn't do a lateral floor was Bridget herself your nana

my nana I respect that her house no but I mean we did them to protect her because she's was Bridget herself. Yeah, Nana. Yeah, Nana. I respect that. Her house. No, but I mean, we did them to protect her. Yeah. Because she's, you know,

in her 80s. Yeah. And then I got there and I was like, Nana, have you done one? She's like, you know, I was like, you can still catch it, Nana.

You can still spread it. So you could have it and give it to us. Yeah. Hashtag super spread. And yeah, I just thought it was hilarious. I was like, we're all doing this. I respect that. We're all going to her party. She was at the pub with us the day before. Yeah. Hashtag, SuperSpring. And yeah, I just thought it was hilarious.

I was like, we're all doing this. I respect that. We're all going to her party. She was at the pub with us the day before. Yeah, she was laying on the sort of, you know, the drinks and stuff.

It was her venue. Yeah, fair enough. Why not? If she's the one, she's the one we're all sort of trying to protect, that's fine.

I'm not bothered by that at all. I just thought it was hilarious. She's, yeah, she's alone to herself. Yeah. Speaking of Christmas and your family right um so i'm sure everyone out there is waiting on tenterhooks to see what fantastic incredible

um thing that i so needed in my life gift that sandra got me uh her darling son-in-law for christmas i don't even know um we all know on the podcast in the past i've talked about the fact that she got us a meat tree a big metal tree with spikes on so that when you carve meat which i don't know about you but you i mean you know me you've seen how much meat i carve around this house i mean if i'm not in the toilet shaking out me meat i'm carving that meat on the thing that's my two settings you know i mean i'm you know i'm always carving some meat like a musketeer all right i got a sword out so she bought us a meat carving fucking thing

to be fair I use that quite a lot yeah so does she that's why she bought it so that year that year she bullshitted us she went here's your meat carving tray I literally went what's this

and she went oh it's a tree for carving meat you know when you're cutting meat and that it still doesn't move around because you know when you make stuff and that

you know you do and I was like do I so she kind of lied right and I just went okay and then we just sort of

this year she didn't even lie she didn't even lie Rosie I'm so glad you forgot what you got us because we're all quite pissed on Christmas day

and she gives it in the afternoon I can't remember she gives it in the afternoon on Christmas day we'll be at the pub and everything so we're all quite pissed on Christmas Day and she gives it in the afternoon. I can't remember. She gives it in the afternoon on Christmas Day. We'll be in the pub and everything. So we're all opening presents and stuff and she didn't even try and lie. I literally opened the presents.

One was socks, which is fair enough because I genuinely do quite like socks. People say it's a rubbish gift. I do quite like socks. She got me a crepe pan. For pancakes. For pancakes, for making crepes yeah

all them crepes you make yeah but that's the thing she didn't even go for all them crepes you make she went I went to make the beans crepes you had in

you only had a big heavy frying pan so I got you a crepe pan and I was like I don't fucking eat pancakes I was like right okay and she was like

and I opened another one you know what the other one was no it was a knife holder oh yeah you know the knife holder on our hob yes and i went what's this and she went all them knives in that bottom drawer the baby you'll get them you need to put them on the hob i went so this is for me then to put the knives on the hob she went yeah i went right i so i walked through i walked through and i just put the knife holder on the hob and i just put the knives in it i went it's on there she there. She went, looks good, doesn't it?

I went, aye. Do you know what she got me? She got me a set of spatulas. They're in the holder. They're in the holder. It's got a section of spatulas. I swear to God, Rosie, one day, one day, one year,

I'm going to open my Christmas present and it's going to be rules of wallpaper for her room. She's a fucking nightmare. I just feel like they always come with a dig. There's always a dig. Yeah. Because she got me spatulas. Yeah.

Because she hates my spatulas and thinks they're shit. It's like a toy, right? She'll literally, next it'll be like bedding because she hates my bed yeah oh so funny fucking hell just yeah a crepe pan and a knife holder for i mean couldn't you can you imagine the hell that would be on if i bought a woman kitchen stuff for christmas if i bought you a crepe pan and a knife holder you'd be like you sexist pig why you bought these

but it's funny do you remember when I had put on weight after having Robin and your mum and dad got us a running machine

for Christmas a running machine and I was a oh yeah no not a running a bike a little electric bike yeah yeah

I was like thanks yeah it's all good they're all there right passive aggressive gift givers around here aren't they yeah it's all good right passive aggressive gift givers around here yeah it's all good here you go you fucking want to kill your kids and here you go you fat bitch speaking of sandra as well while we're on the subject of sandra so we went through south shields a few times in the holidays and we stayed over at Sandra's house. And I just made note of a few things that happened while we were there.

I just wanted to run them past you and remind you of what was going on. Right, okay. It's a house, it's a flat, isn't it? A flat, yeah, yeah, yeah. So she slagged me off big time when I wanted sweeteners in my coffee on the morning. Couldn't get her head around the fact that I wanted sweeteners in my coffee. She was like, sweeteners, oh, terrible for you then.

Oh, sweeteners, oh. Then within the next half an hour I gave our six-year-old son two pints of strawberry Nesquik milk. Yep, yep, yep. Pints. Yep. She kicked off

that you wanted white bread. Yes. You wanted white bread for a bacon sandwich, I think. Because she'd bought... I went and bought some white bread from the shop in the morning. No, well, she bought focaccia bread

for us. I don't know who's having the morning she bought focaccia bread for us I don't know who's having fucking baking sandwiches with focaccia but why Jamie Oliver Chris right we came to stay at her house

for one night after my Nana's Boxing Day party why on her shop for us was a focaccia bread I've got no idea I think she was showing off

but so I went to the shop and I just bought some white bread and she kicked off about the white bread for me and the baking sandwich and she was like oh white bread terrible it's terrible oh it's terrible for me in a bacon sandwich and she was like, oh, white bread, terrible,

this is terrible, oh, it's terrible. Literally in the next breath, she went, do you want it buttered or do you want us to just rub it around the fat in the pan? I forgot about that!

I went, what? Oh my God! Sorry, what? Well, do you want it buttered or do you want us to just rub around all the bacon fat in the pan and the oil in that instead of butter?

I went, the first thing? Her exact words, her exact words her exact words were do you want it buttered both sides or do you want it dipped in fat

that was the exact words dipped in fat yeah unbelievable she's mental you know and then just because in the live show the live tour

once again thank you to everyone who came to the shows last year I did call her a womble and I've called her a womble

numerous times and the most womble-ish thing that i think i've ever seen done in my entire life yeah um she went over to where next door where the dining table is and she opened the curtains next to where the dining table is wait it's her house it's her house and she opened the curtains and she turned around and she held up something she held up something in her hand that i couldn't quite see. And then she went this and she went over sort of to the side board to put it on and she went so this is here for when you want to close the curtains properly

the cocktail stick that I closed them with is on this shelf. So she pulls her curtains and puts a fucking cocktail stick through them or they won't stay shut. She is stick through them or they won't stay shut she is gonna kill you she is gonna kill you I nearly wrote that down but I thought

just as though the cocktail stick to shut the curtains is on this shelf here right dipping in fat then shut the curtains with it it's a cute long one isn't it it's not like a little short one you put it in a few times you go in then out in then out yeah so it's not like it's almost like an extended version of putting a poppy on a remembrance day you go in God, lover. What a maniac. I tell you. I don't even know about that. Fucking, this is the cocktail stuff.

Oh, oh, here's something. So, the other morning, the other night, sorry, you weren't feeling very well. She went out with her friend around where we live and then stayed at our house. Yous both got up half nine in the morning, which is fine, you know what I mean, whatever. I just had the kids downstairs.

Whatever. Yeah. Me mum, yesterday, Yeah. bloody, Mrs. Well, I don't lie in, you know, Rosie. Oh.

I never have a lie in. You stepped in here at the fucking half past nine, Sandra. If that's not a lie in, then I don't know what. Why do they lie? Why do they lie? Didn't you say one more news as well? Your mum and dad. Your mum and dad. Oh, we never watch the telly during the day.

Why then every time I come round, the tipping point is on? Every single time. Every single time? They've always got the telly on? Well, half week, again, when we were at your mum's, we were all sitting there

and she's walking around in her dressing gown at about 10 o'clock, 11 o'clock and she went, I've never got my dressing gown on this time. Shut up! I went, I don't care. I'm not impressed. Stop lying.

Put it on whenever you want. I don't give two shits when you've got your dressing gown on. I know, that's so weird no my nana does it as well my nana i yeah i don't sleep at night i don't sleep well sleep during the day i can't sleep during the day like you're 84 just have a nap yeah like i'm 34 and i'm 35 you are are 35. Oh. Anyway, I hate that. That was dark. I know. A little bit of realisation. So, yes.

So, yes. Just in case you are worrying about our week off, if Rosie's family are still absolute nutters, they are still absolute nutters. It's all good. Don't worry. Don't worry. Do you want to tell them the grave mistake that you made

during this week off? The grave mistake that I made? A little bit too relaxed, didn't a little bit too a little bit too relaxed in you Chris a little bit too relaxed I don't remember this name me so you've only got a few jobs

in this house yeah you haven't got many don't no don't don't talk about this on the podcast

because this is shameful no I'm vetoing this I'm vetoing this no you put the alarm on at night you do that

I'll leave I'm taking my headphones off what actually what are all your jobs you don't really how dare you no you how eh

name them fish keeper oh you clean you're bloody behind on that it's actually started cleaning itself you put the alarm on I put the alarm on

you turn the lights off I shouldn't lock all the doors garage door is also my priority on my stuff great most of the outside stuff main job

wood main job listen what's your main job in this house? Do you want me to tell everyone? Right. Chris's main job is to keep on top of the bins, right? So he empties the bin.

He does the recycling. This is his little job. Just needs one little responsibility. One responsibility in the house. The worst error. The worst error that a man of the household who was in charge of recycling over the festive period could make oh

tell him I missed the recycling collection you missed the recycling it was two days after Boxing Day two days after Boxing Day the bin is so full of recycling

overflowing it's crazy overflowing there is surplus extra recycling in the garage in the garage I missed

the recycling collection two days after Boxing Day missed it I'm devastated one job I'm absolutely devastated one job devastated we're living in cardboard recycling in the garage. I missed the recycling collection. Two days after Boxing Day. Missed it. I'm devastated. One job. I'm absolutely devastated. One job. Devastated.

We're living in cardboard. I haven't had a chance to go to the tip yet. Honestly, I'm gutted and it's shameful and I can't believe you brought it up on the podcast

because these people out here respect me and I've lost all that now. Yeah. I've lost all that. Robbins broke both his legs because he fell down the cardboard box

on the step. broke both his legs because he fell down like a cardboard box on the stairs honestly it's not even funny I can't believe you're talking like that

it just pisses me off because I think this has happened before you know what I said to you I said set an alarm set an alarm on your phone so it'll go off they changed it Rosie

they changed it when there's a bank holiday over the Christmas it knocks it back a day and then because it fell on a Saturday a Saturday a Christmas day and Box Day was a Sunday and then the Monday over the Christmas, it knocks it back a day. And then because it fell on a Saturday, a Saturday, a Christmas day, and Box Day was a Sunday,

and then the Monday was a bank holiday, it knocked it back another day. So it got knocked back two days. Right, okay. So my calendar was wrong. Keep on check. Because Robin's back to school days change all the time. But who knows when they're going back?

Me. Useless. Fuming. Absolutely fuming. Anyway. Sick. I considered chasing them down the street, the wheelie bin then,

but it was too late. Chasing them down wouldn't be that bad, but I couldn't face the shame of wheeling a wheelie bin back up my street. I think I'd feel a bit stupid. If you didn't know, Stitch Fix dressed us for our Shagmaridonoy 2F. Our wonderful friends,

our best friends even. Best friends. Best friends forever we were already stitch fix customers yeah because i think it's just a great service if you don't know about stitch fix it's basically online shopping but they style it for you and they pick it and they send you the outfits they've selected am i right ross yeah you're completely right it's like surprise clothes yeah but you can't yeah but you've you've guided them yeah you know they're not just going to send you a sequin suit unless you've said said, I like sequins and I like suits.

In which case, you're probably going to get a sequins suit. And you might get a sequins suit. But yeah. No, they dressed us for the tour. And I think they did a wonderful job. I felt really comfortable. I loved all of the clothes that we had. We got a lot of compliments on them, actually.

It was just so good to have stuff ready and just ready to put on and go. I mean, you never told us until right at the last minute which one you were wearing, so I then had to match that to mine, you know, but that's a beef for later on in the podcast. I'll tell you a little beef I've got with Stitch Fix. They have sent us an email asking if there's any of the clothes that we want to send back.

Yeah, that's not happening. I kind of don't. We don't really want to. Yeah, we don't really want to. Actually, we're just going to keep them all. They're all really nice. That's all right. Sorry, guys.

And if you want to get styled by Stitch Fix, the new year is no better time to get your wardrobe in shape. You pay just £10 for a personal stylist to hand-select clothes just for you and your taste. That's just two glasses of wine or a couple of pints, let's be honest here. It actually is, isn't it? And then that cost, that £10, is then deducted from any items that you keep that you are sent so you know it works out nothing to be fair so give it a go you will not regret it you go on there you do a quick style survey you put in what you like what you don't like your price options stuff like that

and they will send you a fix which is basically a full outfit styled by them and honestly i haven't been disappointed with anything i've got so far two or not the thing is though if you don't like what they send you for any reason you can just send it back for free yeah yeah so give it a go today honestly honestly guys you won't regret it schedule a fix at stitchfix.co.uk slash ramsey you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece. Symphony Exploder.

April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock

hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. This Friday...

You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth... Bad things will start to happen. Evil things careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't.

The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Movie of the year. The First Omen. Only in theatres Friday. Get tickets now. It's time for What's Your Beef?

What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. What's Your Beef? Kicking off 2020 with some beefs. 2020? 2022. 2022. Oh my God. Oh shit.

Ladies first. Yes. For the new year. Okay my God. Oh shit. Lily first. Yes. For the new year. Okay, for the new year. My beef with you, Christopher Ramsey is... Can't be the bins. It's not the bins. That was an extra beef.

I've got loads to choose from. Can't be them not well. That I mean. Can't be them not well. Can't be the bins. You've already done that. Right, okay. Cheating.

Can I just say, this isn't me actual real beef, but one thing that really pisses me off when you're poorly, right? You never do this any other time of year. When you're're poorly you put your hood up on your hoodie yes it really fucks us off i visually like everyone you know it is it is it is a visual thing and you go you go you put your hood up and you're like oh you walk around with your little hood up on your hoodie you never do it any other time of year why would i put why would i put a hood up indoors if i felt fine but what do you think that's what difference does it do it's a comfort blanket it's making us feel better make my head warm you look stupid you look you look stupid and honestly when you do it i can't even look at you because i go oh

he's got his hood up no he doesn't feel very well that's why i've got my hood up so you can't see us yeah it's ridiculous honestly it blokes out there. No, it's pathetic. Oh, I'm sorry, Chris. It's just not allowed to be ill. When I'm poorly, do I put my little dressing gown on, put my hood up and walk around? You've fucking got one on now. Because it's fucking freezing.

That's why. I just, it's ridiculous. You do it, you do it for sympathy like I'm your mother and it's weird. Honestly,

if there's any top flight scientists out there listening, right, if you could. I'm a psychologist, that's what you need. If you could, no, scientists, proper top flight scientists, let's all get together and let's change the world let's change biology so that men can have babies because if we had babies you wouldn't be able to fucking

lord being ill over all the time because i could have an arm hanging off and you go well that's begging for nine months and that's like your trump card and we can't have anything else yeah oh oh but that's what annoyed us though the other night because you weren't feeling very well and I was like, do you want a glass of wine? You were like, oh, don't even fancy one. I'm so depressed.

I'm so down because I can't even enjoy a glass of wine. I went nine months without a drink. Yeah, well, I know you did, but ugh. You couldn't do it.

You couldn't do it. You could not do it. Sinists, get it. Blads, we need to fucking take one for the team here. We need to start having kids. Absolutely, gladly. I'd have another one. If you could have the next one, I'd do it scientists get it so lads we need to fucking take one for the team here we need to start having kids absolutely I'd have another

one if you could have the next one I'd do it I just don't want any more kids because I don't want any more

lads I've changed your mind actually I've just thought about it I've just sort of really really thought about it for a second there looking out

the window scientists stand down put the syringes and your notepads and your beakers and all your pipettes put them all down

whatever we're about to do put them all down take your lab coat off I've changed your mind I've changed your mind anyway me beef with you right

other than that that is a beef really putting your hoodie up when you're pregnant okay cool so my beef with you no okay I've got another one

my beef with you right and you've been doing this for years and I don't know why this hasn't been a beef before but it's ridiculous you

right before checking that the food is cooked, you will take the food out of the oven, turn the oven off, check the food, and go, that needs a bit longer. Yeah. Then have to turn the oven back on. Yeah, I don't know why.

Why don't you just leave it? I trust the timer. Oh, I'm sorry. I trust the timer. No, you've got to trust the timer. I trust the timer. When the timer goes sorry. I trust the timer. No, you've got to trust the timer. I trust the timer. When the timer goes off, I go, right, it's done then.

I turn it off. I get it out. I turn it off and everything. I turn it off, then I open it, then I get it out. Yeah. I put it down on the bench.

Oh, it's horrible. It's a horrible process. In the past, I've put it on a plate. I've got it off. I've put it on a plate. I've gone, actually, that's not done.

And then I've got to put it back on. I'm sorry. I turn the oven back on and put it back in. You're horrible. I hate you. I hate watching you. I hate myself.

I hate watching you. No, because I'm like, why have you turned it off? Trust the timer. It needs to go back in. Trust the I hate you I hate watching you I hate myself no because I'm like why have you turned it off trust the timer it needs to go back in trust the timer you just gotta trust the timer sometimes

sometimes you just gotta give it over to the timer you gotta give all your faith to the timer it's so hard living yeah I know it's good though isn't it nah

it's great when you love it when are you going back on tour soon February god I don't want to get some dates pulled forward wait what do you mean for me okay my beef with you

my beef with you my beef with you I've got beef with you my beef with you I've got two beefs my beef with you baby I've got two beefs to choose from and I don't know which one to go

how hard did you go I mean you did do two but I want to keep one for next week nah go hard son of a okay okay

so so we've had oh I actually got a letter at the Leeds gig that we did by someone who said thank you for talking about sort of you know anxiety and stuff um so i do get a bit of anxiety now and then and i do i do a thing

called i think we've talked about before i do a thing called catastrophizing yeah um where any given situation that is presented to us as a couple or as a family or even me as an individual i go to the worst possible scenario and sort of convince myself that that's true and that that's definitely going to happen. I think it's a coping mechanism. It's a coping mechanism, but it's also, it's like a universal sort of, you know when you walk over,

you can't walk over three drains or you get bad luck. Yeah. It's like, if I don't go to the possible worst thing in my head and like checkmate it, it'll happen. But if I go,

I know that, I know that worst thing, that's going to happen and then it doesn't happen. I go, oh, that's because I checkmated it. Yeah, like I checkmated it. Does that make sense?

Yeah. Now I do it and it is annoying and I annoy myself when I do it and I know it irritates you, but you do it as well. Do I? I.

Okay. And you do it. Maybe I've just learned it from you. I knew you were going to say that, but you do it. You do it really quickly. Had you catastrophized? You do it really quickly with stuff, right?

I had catastrophized that you were going to say that. You do it really quickly You do it really quickly. Had you catastrophized? You do it really quickly with stuff, right? I had catastrophized that you were going to say that. You do it really quickly with stuff, and then you move on. And then when I do it, it's like, oh, Chris, you always do this. The other day. The other day. Part exemplary. Part exemplary, exactly, right? The other day, I was in the kitchen with you.

Yeah. You turned the tap on, right? You were washing something. And you turned to me, and you went, there's no hot water. Do you want to tell everyone what tap you were running? and you turned to me and you went there's no hot water don't tell everyone what tap you were running when was this the other day you went there's no hot water the hot water's off i went that's the cold tap you went oh and then you continued to run the tap you were running the cold tap but how's that catastrophizing because you ran the cold tap and instead of going i'm running the cold tap here, you went, there's no hot water.

Really irritating. Right. But, I don't know if that's the same thing. It is the same thing. But we're talking, we're talking, Rave's got a sniffle.

You think he's got a brain tumour? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That's your level. I just thought that, I thought that no, there was no hot water. Yeah, but the water thing was annoying as well though.

Let's be honest here. I don't know if I was catastrophizing about it. You did, you went, there's no hot water. You got the tap to back the kids the water thing was annoying as well let's be honest here I don't know if I was catastrophizing about it you did you went it's no hot water you got the tap on the wrong way really annoying

alright okay so there you go alright I don't was it me because I don't remember saying that

was it me who else you been in the kitchen with it was you you know the time you go back for cold forward for hot you literally went it's no hot water.

Oh, my hot water's off, boiler's broke. Chris, that wasn't me. It was you. I absolutely, I'm sorry. Oh my God, it was you. Chris, it wasn't me. I swear down on your life. It was you.

It wasn't me. It was you. That's never happened. It was 100% you. You gaslighting me. No, I genuinely. You're gaslighting me here. I don't, I'm not.

It was you. I'm not. I don't think that's ever happened it was you it's 100 you you did it the other day no you can't sorry if you don't agree with the family and where you're keeping them rosie if i had another family in the world as irritating as you i'd have sacked them off a while again do you want another beef scene you give me two oh go on then shall we kick off the new year with two beefs? Oh, why not? Let's start this with me and go on.

Beef number two for you is every couple of hours, and I'm not exaggerating here by saying it must be every couple of hours throughout the day when we're in the house, every single day. Right. Every couple of hours, you, out of no way, approach me with a different cutting of wallpaper. Out of no way approach me with a different cutting of wallpaper out of no way and ask me what you think it'll look like in that room I don't know Rosie I don't know where you're getting them from I don't know where you're

finding the time to think and look about wallpaper you appear out of no way like a little wallpaper elf with a little you go what do you think of this for in here this wallpaper i'm gonna get it up here but not at the top bit i'm just getting out in the bottom bit and i go oh that's nice i don't care do whatever you've got great taste do whatever you want and you're like and you disappear you what and then i'll be in another part of the house a couple of hours later and you'll just you'll just just you know magic another slather of wallpaper from somewhere and go what do you think

of this for this wall and I go where are you getting all of these things you can buy them you buy samples of wallpaper and they send them to the house right if they're coming in the post

that does make a bit more sense yeah they do where did you think I was getting them from I don't know they just keep appearing everywhere and I was sleeping

in the spare room because I had me cold and every time I moved I heard a scratching and I thought there was something in the room and there was a fucking bit of wallpaper lodged behind the headboard and every time I moved I heard a scratching and I thought there was something in the room and there was a fucking bit of wallpaper lodged behind the headboard

and every time I moved it scraped on the wall I had to pull it off can we talk like listen can we take a minute to talk about how nice it is sleeping in separate bedrooms it is quite is that bad why is that it's weirdly nice yeah it is weirdly nice Chris I'm not joking right I've selected like literally shut my eyes, other than Rafe, shut my eyes, and it's just, I think you snore a lot. I do snore quite a bit. That's why you were in the spare room,

because I was like, because you couldn't bloody hardly breathe through your nose, and I was like, you're going to snore like a motherfucker. And it's been quite nice, but... Yeah. I have missed you, though. Like, I know it's nice to share a bed with someone,

but I have slept better I genuinely have that's over because I'm back in our bed now you were there last night yeah I was there last night you didn't snore last night did I not? no I don't think so

I'll try and sort that out for you in a bit I can stick some butter up my nose or block it up with some cheese from my dreams it's time for questions from the public questions from

the public public public guys as always if you want to get in touch it's shagmarinoid at gmail.com

make it your new year's resolution to send us something hilarious or horrible or hilariously

horrible so there you go I like that now it's a little bit different this week because as you know we have been on tour yes and i collated lots and lots of questions from the public for the tour which only i say a handful but you know like 10 000 10 000 people a night got to hear but considering how many people listen to this actual podcast brackets thank you very much we love you thanks for the support um we thought i mean it was literally my catchphrase on the tour we would come off stage for the second

section and i would go rosie that question of that story yeah needs we need to tell them that on the podcast because only like the people in nottingham tonight heard that and we need the other people to hear it so we thought well i don't know again i don't know what these are i mean i might remember a few of them i'm not sure there were so many and I'll be honest I was quite pissed we were a little bit drunk by the second part

I don't think you're going to remember some of them so Rosie's going to dip into some of her favourite ones and I'm going to enjoy them with you

guys as well so this isn't recordings but I'm going to literally read them now and I'm very excited so we put them into sections we've got

doctors and nurses yes let's talk about shit yes one night stands yes let's talk about shit yes one night stands yes Rosie's Mysteries yes

and there's like a lucky dip do you want to pick one oh let's have do one of each but we'll go pointless doing a Rosie's Mystery

because I'll know it I'll remember it won't I yeah but the people you know listening might not okay so we'll give them a chance to guess

yeah that's exciting yeah you know you've heard these alright then alright then well I'll tell you what. Let's do Doctors and Nurses.

Right, okay. Always my favourite. This was my favourite one. Okay. I can't remember which night we did this. Okay. I think it was Sheffield. Okay.

I don't know. Anyway. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Please don't use my name. I don't want work to know. Always good. Both my sister and I work in the NHS, which means as well as our own stories

from being a doctor and nurse, we have a plethora of stories from all our medical friends. Fantastic. Of all the ones to choose from, I thought this story would be the most appropriate for the podcast. A friend of mine has been a paramedic for many years now and he once told me about his first major call. Are you remembering what this is? Not really, no. Okay.

It was a call to a supermarket car park at 10am on a Sunday. I've just remembered this. Yep, yep, yep, yep. 10am. Guys, everyone just remember 10am on a Sunday morning supermarket car park.

That's what you have to keep in your brain when you hear this story. Surely this had to be something basic. Maybe a broken ankle or on the more exciting end a heart attack. Well, it's grim. Dark, but yeah. Exciting. How or on the more exciting end, a heart attack. Well, it's grim. Dark, but yeah, exciting.

How exciting? 10 o'clock on a Sunday morning heart attack in a supermarket car park. How much? How much for bread? Yeah, great. It was the paramedics' first call out. First major call out.

So you'd be a bit excited, wouldn't you? You'd be like, hope something juicy. Supermarket car park as well. It is a bit strange that. It's not someone's house or whatever. It's like, what's happened here? Mm. Yeah.

Although, let's just think of your... Cast your memory back to when you've seen people lying on the floor or needing an ambulance. Right. There's been a few in a car park. I don't know why. What do you mean there's been a few in a car park? Because I just think, you know, whenever you see someone like, oh, we need an ambulance, it's always like, on a path or in the supermarket car park.

It is. No, it's not always in the supermarket car park. It has been for me. What are you talking about? So you mean you once saw someone in a supermarket car park? No, like a couple of times. You just try to attribute all of your memories to mine and everyone else's memories.

I'm just saying a couple of times. Where do you see the most ambulances? Come on. In streets, driving past. And then high streets maybe i'm eating high streets yeah not car parks oh my god read on what's wrong with you i don't know i'm tired yeah you know what everyone isn't it always this because i remember once in my life when it was that so i've decided you all remember it as that welcome to the fascist regime of rosie ramsey's memories they were ushered over by a very concerned and flustered boyfriend to a car alone in the corner

of the car park there was a lady in this car who had been trying something exciting and was now stuck fantastic literally stuck yeah rather than so i remember when you first said that i remember thinking contorted so i remember thinking you first said that I remember thinking contorted so I remember thinking my initial thought which is disgusting thought to have but my initial thought

was that while having sex on like the back seats or something and she went to put her legs over the headrests or something and she was just stuck on like a fucking

turtle on its back do you know what I mean like legs of Kimbo kind of thing like stirrups that was my initial thought I remember but I remember not seeing it

on the night because I was busy having a massive glass of wine. Yes. And just kept drinking it and letting it talk. So she's stuck, right? Rather than the standard dildo, this couple had decided to try experimenting with

the gear stick of the car. Oh my God. I mean, technically, that doesn't come off the car. So that is a whole car that's going inside you. Because that doesn't come off a car. You are literally having car that's going inside you because that doesn't come off a car you are literally having sex with a car what kind of gear stick

it's a it's a fat old thing a gear stick I know not that I remember because I drive an electric automatic car and have done for some years now

but seriously that's big not just that my thing is and I know I know you can't catch Covid through your vagina but we are in a pandemic

and it's a bit dirty, isn't it? It's their car, though, isn't it? I don't think it's her car. I don't know. Anyway, she's had some success. Sorry, they didn't break into a car to do this. It's someone's car. Well, it's his car or her car.

Right, okay. I was about to say, I bet you they gave it a wipe beforehand, but I don't think people who put gear sticks up their vaginas do things like that. I doubt they'll have had any hand sanitiser in the car either. I doubt it, yeah. You can't get vag sanitizer can you if only if only if only save me save me a few trips to the old gum clinic

in the past lads lads lads high five the lady had had some success as it was now all the way in i imagine that gravity helped and maybe some lube. Jesus Christ. But now, it would not come back out. It would not come back out. No matter how much she and her boyfriend tried to pull her off it. And you can't, there's no way to go. Because her head would be hitting off the roof. Well, yeah, but I mean, God, if only they had a sunroof.

If only. If only they had a sunroof that could open and she could come out like a turtle. I think this is a little car. A little car. I've just got a feeling. A little Corsa, something like that. I think in my brain it's a little car no sun roof yeah she's hunched over with the gear stick inside of her can we just i don't think i spoke about this on the night as well but can we just talk about this is not an acceptable activity for

10 o'clock on a sunday morning in a supermarket car park right okay well my my guess is this happened when it was dark. So you think this is Saturday night and they've held out? Yeah, I think they've gone, we cannot ring an ambulance. Let's get me off this, right? But like you said on the night, they could have drove home. Yeah, but she would have had to do some serious hip movement. Yeah, clicking the thing and out it did.

Fourth gear, no, no fifth gear the reverse imagine if you couldn't drive though just be like ah ah well like I said

sometimes we call it reverse you've got to do that thing where you click it up haven't you like a syringe so she'd have to do some serious

tension oh god and her vagina had latched on it was not going to slide off easily how much do you like your car oh god not enough to put slide off easily. I mean, how much do you like your car?

Oh, God. Not enough to put it on my verge. I love cars so much. I want to have sex with this car. Absolutely not. And I don't want to be a total pervert here, but surely the handbrake might have been a better idea. Oh, my God.

The handbrake would have been a much better idea. Much slimmer. Much better. Better angle. You're not going straight down on it. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, but I'm sorry chris get him a ring

i'll tell them what to do as a woman with a vagina what no you don't go sticking gear sticks up there all about sticking things like sex toys i've said it before just choose better yeah just not a gear stick no thing is if he was a boy race and he had like one of them eight ball gear sticks that you can get like back in the day that you put on a sack so they just screw off from half bad so if you just took that took my knees into my chin and just spun round you're absolutely right i've got a bit of an intrusive question for you have you ever had sex in a car have i ever had sex in a car no have you not no no you have haven't you? Yeah. Slag. Slag.

It's awful, actually. Very uncomfortable. I can't imagine it being nice. There's windows everyone could see in. And you know I like to keep my stuff nice. I know. I'm not getting any fluids on my things. Absolutely not.

You don't even let the kids eat in your car. Nah, no chance. Never mind having sex in there. No chance. What's everyone know? It's just... I was young. I was just young until...

Ten o'clock. Supermarket car park oh my dad listens to this now I can't talk about that I can't say I've had sex in a car my dad's listening was it his car

no right okay no your dad doesn't listen I think he's listened he does I think he's tapped out by now has he

he didn't mention anything at Christmas about listening oh shit sorry dad he's tapped out it wasn't me I'm the one who looked like me now okay there isn't much space to move around in the inside of a car It's tapped out. It wasn't me. It's the one who looked like me.

Now, okay, there isn't much space to move around in the inside of a car, especially not enough space to do a careful extraction of an embedded foreign body. Embedded foreign body. That's medical words. Yeah. The paramedics are now firefighters. Brilliant. A whole lot of them.

Have a kickabout Sunday morning. Have a kickabout in the car park as well Why not Yeah Who were present were also unable to remove the gear stick from inside her They needed more space More space to be able to pull her up and off it There was only one thing for it No

To cut the roof off the car Right I forgot about that Yes So there's no sunroof They cut the roof off the car The entire roof was sawn off lots of the interior taken out

and then very carefully the gear stick was cut at the base this did mean there was still stick embedded inside vagina

but at least the lady could travel to a hospital have it removed properly it probably required surgery in the end so they had to

cut out the box and she had to go to hospital with the box still in her in her box in her box what do you tell your employer you say do you like me convertible

it's not automatic now how do you ring in sick what do you say I broke my leg I've got sickness and diarrhoea what do you ring in sick? What do you say? Oh, God, yeah. I broke my leg. I've got sickness and diarrhea. What do you say? Oh, yeah. Car trouble. Sorry I'm late.

Car trouble. That's all I can tell you at the moment. Car trouble. I'm taking a personal day. Do you think you'll make it in? No, absolutely not. Absolutely not. And I will be getting the bus when I'm finally in

because I've've got a car with no seats, no gear stick and no roof because I'm a dirty rotter. That was actually from Birmingham on the 15th of December. So if you weren't at Birmingham I hope you enjoyed that. That was my favourite doctor as a nurse as well.

Let's pick another one. What do you want next? One night stands. Hi Chris and Rosie. I wanted to share my most memorable one night stand. I was out one night in university and one of my friends started chatting to these two guys who then came back to our house with us.

One of the guys was American and seemed like a very interesting person. He was a bit strange but really good looking. So after everyone had gone to bed we started hooking up and went to my room strange but good looking okay yeah okay sometimes for a one-night stand yeah doesn't matter what your personality's like yeah great okay nice face fair enough you know how are you chris are you about i'm boring you keeping you up just tired you know wow not being well can you keep your yawns to yourself on the podcast, please?

Apologies to anyone running right now. Chris yawning his face off. I'm not yawning or sniffing or coughing. There's your choices. Before we got undressed, he commented how Ireland was so cold, especially the student houses. So he was glad. They were in Ireland?

Yeah, they were in Ireland. Does it say that at the beginning? No, why? Just found it confusing. I can't remember this one. I just found it Ireland. Yeah, they were in Ireland. Does it say that at the beginning? No, why? Just found it confusing. I can't remember this one. I just found it confusing that just before they get undressed it'd be like,

do you know Ireland's really cold this time of year? Hey, do you know Ireland? You are strange, but good looking. Yeah. Well, he's freezing cold, especially the student houses.

So he was glad he had his pyjamas. I was confused at this comment as he didn't have a bag, but all became clear when he stripped off and had a full pair of pyjamas underneath his clothes. Fantastic, yes, I do remember this guy. Amazing.

Full length pants and long sleeve top. I remember commenting, I think, on the night that he might have already had the condom on as well. I am fully prepared. Just, oh, flaccid. Can you do that? Could you put a condom on i imagine you'd have to get hot first put it on and then i think depending on the condom and the

penis i think it would probably stay on for the rest of the night unless you need to go for a wee but that's his levels that's his level of levels of how lucky he gets so he's fully dressed and then it's like oh i found a place to crash. Amazing. Lucky level one. First layer off, pyjamas. Oh, there's a girl to have sex with. Level two, lucky. Pyjamas off, condom on. Great guy. What a guy.

Fail to prepare, prepare to fail. I found this all a bit unusual, but he said he had been travelling around Ireland for a while and it was a necessity. So fair enough. The night was fun and the next morning my housemates made a big fry up and were surprised when the American came downstairs

with me as they didn't know he had stayed and his friend had went home. I was surprised when the American came downstairs with me in the most putrid smelling pair of pyjamas that he'd been wearing under his fucking clothes all the way around Ireland his entire trip. The the dirty dirty sod

why is it though I envisage them I see him as very good looking tall dark and handsome and I think they'll be really posh pyjamas yeah

like a proper a set do you know what I mean well yeah in my it's not a t-shirt no no it's a button up

it's a button yeah yeah he's not in like a t-shirt and shorts for me he's flannel they're flannel they're full length

they're gold with like no they're red with like a gold trim or something that's how a t-shirt and shorts for me he's flannel they're flannel they're full length they're gold with like no they're red with like a gold trim or something that's how I see them they're almost tartan for me yes you don't have a set

of pyjamas do you I don't have a set of pyjamas no I was hoping for one for Christmas but you know I never

you never heard the hints oh you told me off because I didn't get any slippers yeah I didn't get any slippers either I had to go guys I had to go

to the supermarket just after Christmas like a loser and buy me own slippers i thought your mom the shame i thought your mom can't stop the woman behind the counters didn't know where to look wow only man in the end of december who buys slippers at the supermarket there was a surplus there was mountains of the fuckers weren't even on sale great anyway there's to pity your mom hasn't got the same size feet as me

or she'll have bought me a pair of fucking slippers bye now see if only she knew how simple you were for bye

I can't believe she bought you a crepe pan fucking crepe pan and a knife holder you don't like pancakes you literally don't like them I'm the only person

who doesn't eat them that's hilarious she's already used it though you know I think she used it the next morning I think she did Merry Christmas

I've made everyone else a pancake apart from you and your new pan because you don't like them Merry Christmas put the knives in that hole and a bane will get them

so anyway they've gone downstairs having a fry up are you bothered about this bit no no if I remember rightly yeah no keep going so they've gone downstairs

having a fry up and they're teasing teasing her a bit being's been a bit immature teasing her but they really started pissing themselves laughing when he answered the following question so her friend asked him where his favorite places in ireland were so far and he replied cork and then added in complete seriousness oh except for inside j Yes, yes, I do remember that. Inside Jenny. He's definitely got a posh vagina. Inside Jenny, a great holiday.

Visit the gift shop. Three stars. Too cold. Tidy, well-kept, humble. Three stars. You know, could have done with a sprucing up. tidy well kept humble three stars you know could have done with this bruising up

could have done with modernising yeah just while we're talking about like trip advisors and stuff imagine if you

could leave you know how tinder and all that and grinder is like people go on there a lot of the time to hook up

and have sex do they leave reviews no no do they they don't do that amazing like uber yeah yeah like you could leave a review of someone you had sex with i don't think that could that's actually when you say it out loud it's a terrific no but you know what would happen though well if you could leave reviews then that would obviously mean they would end up being a league table. So someone could be top shagger on Tinder.

Yeah. Or grinder. Wow. That would be the top one. And I guarantee they'd be famous. Yeah, yeah. I bet they'd be famous. Or they'd be in Love Island.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. It'd be like, oh, what do you do? I'm the top shagger on Tinder. Probably be a Geordie. Yeah. Probably be a Geordie. Probably, yeah. Top shagger.

Yeah, top shagger on Tinder. On Tinder. Yeah. Wow. Do you know, have you heard of, is it Bumble? Which one's the one where the girl

gets in touch first someone screamed at me at one of the live shows it's Bumble where only the girls can get in touch yeah

Top Shagger Bumble Top Shagger Top Shagger on Bumble yeah that'll be good yeah yeah yeah makes a cracking breakfast cuddles after

Top Shagger on Bumble ooh yeah I love a cuddle even from a stranger bit weird yeah babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo

what do you want next let's talk about let's finish with a let's talk about shit let's finish with a let's talk about shit give the people what they want

start of the year as we mean to go on two more next week yeah we'll do two more next week and some new ones okay this was my favourite one

this was I don't think you're going to remember this one because this was in I'm sure this was September okay this was a while ago right

what a very good memory so that's offensive should we do can we sing let's talk about shit uh i don't know if we're allowed anymore on here no we can sing okay just compliment ready let's talk about shit baby let's talk about poo and we let's talk about all the good shits and the bad shits that have been let's talk about shit let's talk about shit with a little bit of shit let's talk about shit shag married and shit my oh that was really good did i do it yeah it's a real list my little bit of shit there because of me blocked nose was actually really you're like phoebe yeah okay great great great great great great great great great reference move on i don't get it i haven't

seen all the episodes you haven't seen all i always think i've seen all the episodes of friends and then one comes on that i haven't seen and i go i've never seen this one and people go shut up my friend steph it's fucking about 900 000 of them my best best friend in the world steph i don't think she's watched a lot of them and honestly you know when someone tells you that and you go i don't know how we're friends yeah of them and honestly you know when someone tells you that and you go I don't know how we're friends yeah anyway

hi Rosie and Chris whilst listening to the episode 108 and the two of you talking about how disgusted Chris gets when Rosie tells him she's off for a shit

reminded me of a story I had to tell you doesn't tell us doesn't tell us just starts doing it in front of us I don't do it in front of you you just hang around us

and you don't need I just happen to be in the bathroom at the time when you're walking and do it even though we've got three toilets in the house but yeah go on I don't do it in front of you you just hang around us and you don't need I just happen to be in the bathroom at the time when you're walking and do it even though we've got three toilets in the house but yeah go on I don't know why

why are you so obsessed with why are you so obsessed with me and my dumps it's a story about my boyfriend's mum please keep me anonymous as several members of his family listen

I've already said this one this might have been this was London Palladium this was London Palladium how This was London Palladium. How do you know? Because I remember it. Because you said I had a shit memory and I wouldn't remember because it's September.

And not only did I remember the story, I remember where it was. It was London Palladium. Keep going. How do you remember? Oh, right, okay. Whilst visiting my boyfriend's mum's house a few weeks ago as lockdown eased a bit,

we were sat chatting in her garden and my boyfriend went to the loo to drop the kids off at the pool. Great. Yeah. Hate that phrase. As he calls it. And his mum went to the loo to drop the kids off at the pool. Great. Yeah. Hate that phrase. As he calls it. And his mom

shouted after him calling him disgusting for sharing that with us all. Ah. Like he's in, he's gone, I'm going to the toilet

to drop the kids off at the pool. Disgusting! I didn't even know that. Yeah. Her husband then interjects with, at least he hasn't got

to go in the cutlery drawer. Everyone bar me laughed and I immediately had to know what the joke was after the laughter do you remember i do remember this yeah i'm just wanting everyone who wasn't there because the palladium was one of the smaller venues which is a ridiculous sense to say thanks again for the support everyone um yeah after the laughter had calmed down my boyfriend's stepdad informed me that his wife isn't the most regular person ever she can sometimes go five to seven days without having a shit hell on earth she must be 25 stone

horrible that like oh it doesn't matter what size you are i'm saying she was 25 stone heavier oh right i wasn't saying she was big i was saying she must be all right heavier five days crikey i know now i feel awful if i have to go more than 48 hours without relieving myself. So I cannot imagine how backed up this woman's bowels get. Same. Turns out, this had been happening for many, many years. And many doctors have been unable to figure out why. Many doctors.

But many, many, many doctors. Bring in the next one. Next doctor. Why? God, that's shit. We don't know one. Next dog now. Why can't I shit? We don't know. We don't know. Many dog deaths.

Just storming out. Storming out of GP after GP. Right. If you don't know as well, I'll go somewhere else. Madam, you can't move GPs again. I will. But this fact still didn't explain the earlier joke. The stepdad then continued to explain that sometimes,

when she does eventually feel the need to go, most of the time she has to get her special knife and fork. Knife and fork. Out from underneath the bathroom sink. Knife and fork. Knife and fork. But do people know why, though? They're about to.

To cut up the gargantuan solid impacted turd log she has been sat for 30 minutes producing so that it can actually be flushed

away again for me I remember this came to us on the night and I never said it and I remember thinking about it

in the car later on when we were going back to the hotel it's the fact that she uses the fork. I understand the knife or maybe even a stick or a wooden spoon or a plunger or a toilet brush or something just to fucking gouge at it. But she literally has a knife and a fork.

Puts the fork in it to keep it still. And then just have a stick and just jab at jab at it don't like it's so bad though napkin napkin tucked into the neck little fingers out fork in and slice and move and next bit and slice and like drink some water eat some roughage oh my god fiber oh my god a couple of handfuls of kale. No one likes kale. People say they like kale are lying. Just hide it down you.

It'll sort you out. Just knife and fork. For reference, she has apparently produced a turd so large it went from the bottom of the toilet and came up to just below the rim. That is impressive. I'm not going to lie. I'm impressed by that. It is quite impressive.

Yeah, I'm impressed by that, yeah. I just, they're chopping it in that. That's something I've never had to do in I'm impressed by that. It is quite impressive. Yeah, I'm impressed by that, yeah. I just, the chopping it and that, like, that's something I've never had to do in my life. Have you never had a lighthouse? What? I'm sorry, what? Never had a lighthouse, poo. Oh, I don't even know if I want to know what this is.

So, if it's one like that, if it's one like that, what it is is it goes right to the back, and then it comes up, and it stands like that. It stands erect in the toilet with the water around it right

protruding out of the water this is horrible right like a fist out of the sand no more and then what happens is you flush it you flush

and the tide just goes away and then just comes back and it's still where it was like a lighthouse that is tides out tides back in that is Tide's out Tide's back in I'm sorry that is

one of the most disgusting things I've ever heard in my entire life we've been doing this podcast for a long time that is

that's horrible who's named that I've just named it this I've just named it now this second yeah it's like a lighthouse

yeah that's what they're just talking about there I've only had about two of it now this second yeah it's like a lighthouse yeah that's what you're talking about there i've only had about two of them in my life honestly it's impressive oh my god it's impressive you turn around you're looking at you go bloody hell that's all i bet it's one of the ones we go i better not even wipe here because this is ridiculous and then you go flush and it just the tide goes out and the tide comes back in and the lighthouse there is still standing proud i can't get on board with this. Can we stop now? That's enough.

Horrible. Oh, I just got a notification on my laptop there. Rafe's birthday tomorrow. Happy birthday, Rafe. Oh, great. One year old, me little boy. You'll be producing lighthouses with the best of them one day, lad. Good luck to you. Godspeed.

Godspeed. Thank you so much for joining us and listening to this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed which is part of the Acast

Creator Network it is part of the Acast Creator Network and it's a pleasure to be back and happy new year again to everyone

kicking off the year with hope I mean I've had fun have you had fun? I've had a lovely time you know yes so please as I say

make your newest resolutions send something in to shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com and we'll be back in your ears next week. All the best. All the best. Bye.

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