Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 15. Our safe word is...

Episode Date: May 24, 2019

This week on the podcast Rosie and Chris discuss safe words, what they wear in bed and things they believed as a kid. Plus, Rosie reveals her new song and there’s a celebrity question from the original Guv’nor – Al Murray. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

This Friday, you must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth of evil. It's all for you, no don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental

Health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagged, Married roti ramsey and my husband chris ramsey who's just postponed the recording of this podcast for around about 15 minutes trying to think of one

of these stupid sponsors even though he's had a full week to come up with one well i mean that's absolute slander because i don't think of the sponsors the sponsors get in touch and they offer lucrative lucrative financial deals. Did Sitting Down get in touch, did they? Yeah, they did. And they've been very happy with the response. Thank you very much, everyone. Apparently loads of people have been Sitting Down this week

since the last podcast. Loads of people. Weirdly, right, which is really like honestly makes me so happy, they've been Sitting Down while listening to the podcast. Wow. So it's brought like the product and it's full circle. It's such an amazing partnership. Thank you to everyone from Sitting Down Incor incorporated and uh but sadly you know that

was um you know what we've mentioned sitting down again i should probably get a couple more quid um moving on to this week's sponsor this week's sponsor this week's lucrative sponsor deal is this week's podcast is sponsored by the wheel the wheel hey are you tired of effectively sledging everywhere even if there's no snow on the ground just like being dragged like when hodo was dragging brand before he had the wheelchair you need a wheel or maybe two wheels if you're gonna stand up and pedal are you tired of your metal bike frame just scraping along the street and sparks going everywhere and people being like,

they're not even moving. You need two wheels on that bad boy. Stick two wheels on it. You got a car? Stick your car, you can only go places downhill. And then you break it. Four wheels.

Do you need longer to think about this? No, I've got enough. Oh, I'm professional. Oh, that's a text that's sitting down. Thank you for the text mention. No worries, guys. Oh, youprofessional That's a text, that's sitting down Thank you for the segmention No worries guys You're welcome They are keen

The wheel Don't try and reinvent it It's as good as it gets Stick a tyre on it Anything else? Nope Here's the jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle

so this is the jingle hello and welcome back You're like the Jingo, Jingo. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Jingo! Hello and welcome back. This is episode 15. I can't believe we're still doing this. No, no. It's amazing. Because it was 14 and now it's 50.

The numbers keep going up one at a time. It's madness. No, but really, thank you for coming back. We really appreciate it. Listeners, Choice Awards at the podcast awards last week oh yeah we came third third

yeah seriously a little brand new baby podcast of me and you me and little chocolate quilt chick pig

doing sitting next to a fridge that sometimes makes so much noise that we'll have to stop recording in our house 14 episodes in

13 when voting closed coming third of every single podcast in the uk listeners choice fantastic absolutely brilliant high five let's high five for us but more importantly a genuine thanks to the listeners because that means you guys listening have bothered your ass to quickly go on the website and vote thank you so much and to those who didn't yeah we could have won if you had so don't say that right because people you know i say a lot of things where it is vote for this i never do so i appreciate so much that people have you have to put your email address in you've got no but you know what i mean i mean i voted for her i voted

for her twice oh i voted for both my email addresses and uh on my mom's and my dad's email address there we go still didn't win but that's fine. Came third. Very happy about it. Still here. Loving life. Loving it. Loving it very much. We had a lovely time at the podcast awards, didn't we? We did. We got really drunk, though.

You. You were steaming. Of course I was. I started drinking on the train on the way down. It was my day off. But you're like, you get really excited. Yeah. And you're like a little puppy.

So you're like a little drunk little puppy. And I was just like, oh God. Yeah. I was buzzing with it. So it was, we met some awesome people. We had a lovely little time. Met the whole My Dad Wrote A Porno guys. Oh, they were lovely.

Stole a pillow. Stole a My Dad Wrote A Porno pillow. Went for a, I fulfilled a lifelong dream actually, just after the podcast awards. We went to Five Guys, the burger place afterwards. And every time I go to Five Guys, I always think, do I want two burgers? And I never get two burgers because it's always during the day or something.

But I was hammered. I got two bloody burgers. I know. Not the two, guys, not the two burgers inside one bun. I'm talking two separate burgers wrapped up separately. I can, even though I was drunk I do remember watching you eat them

and it was the most disgusting thing I've ever seen in my life it's not a spectator sport mate I mean yeah but I love a five guys honestly they are nice

people are going to think that we're sponsoring them but it's oh my oh god it's just I remember a friend of mine a very close friend of mine I said have you had five guys and he went yeah it's just like posh it's just i remember a friend of mine a very close friend of mine i

said have you had five guys and he went yeah it's just like posh mcdonald's i nearly punched him in the mouth i was like you do not deserve taste buds i will cut your tongue out for that that's a bit grim i think i'll probably just put five guys off if they did want a sponsor just made an advert with a rusty knife if you would think it's just my i'll cut your tongue out and put it in a burger five guys open near you soon still looking for a sponsor

still looking for a sponsor we've had a couple of offers had a couple of offers not gonna lie not gonna lie but they didn't didn't tick all fancy didn't tick all fancy

you know so hold on for the big box hold on for the big box what exactly are you doing with your hands I'm just doing that thing that they do in the olden days the American olden days when when they touch the tongue,

when they touch the lips and they just go like this. Oh, and a... I think what you're doing is you're maiming, pretending to smoke a cigar. Oh, is that? Oh, yeah, that's what it is. Oh, it wivels from your lips and you go, All right, okay, let's get the money.

Ha. Yes. Like that Sam'sranton slam. Speak easy. Anybody who be anybody can't so walk through

that door. Jesus. Stop. Stop right now. Someone tweeted me this morning saying that they got into a

breath taxi. Oh, halitosis cab. Yeah. So I had to quickly sort of think what the hell are they talking about and i

worked it out and i just can you remember we went down the podcast awards on saturday and we got into the hotel lift oh yeah so it was a new level of bad breath guys we got at the hotel lift we could smell the worst breath in the world we were the only people in the lift so whoever was just in the lift their breath was so bad they left it in the lift it was just i remember i got down on all fours so i got under it like people do in movies when there's a fire oh yeah like under the smoke yeah but do you know what it's like i don't know why i'm thinking of this this is where my brain goes right do you know crocodiles right obviously they don't know why i'm thinking of this this is where my brain goes right do you know crocodiles right obviously they don't know how to floss but crocodiles eat right i know the exact point you're trying to make because i've seen the same documentary you're about to talk about but saying crocodiles don't know how to floss well they don't well

i mean they don't have you ever seen a crocodile with a toothpick don't think you have have you it's just a i mean there's many things they can't do it's not that they don't know how to floss it's that but it sounded like you're about to do a charity thing what like so guys a lot of you may know this but crocodiles don't know how to floss so i'm starting a school for crocodiles of dental hygiene and we just three pound a month and we can teach a crocodile near you to floss and it'll help the crocodile self-esteem they've only got little arms not the dance. I know what you're going to say, but it was amazing. So they can't floss, but crocodiles and alligators eat animals and humans, some of them.

And they get bits of animal in their teeth that rot. So they've probably got really bad breath. Which, whenever someone's got bad breath like the like the taxi or the lift i just think what have they ate that's rotten in their teeth yeah that's yeah so there you go that's what we should call it from now on crocodile breath like that's not a bad show and the thing is as well if you die from a crocodile or an alligator bite, it's not because it's a life-threatening wound. It's because it's been infected.

Yeah, that was the other bit of it. Because they've got rotten flesh in their teeth. That's probably what was the point of the whole thing rather than them having bad breath. Yeah, they definitely, in that documentary,

it definitely wasn't so careful because alligators stink. You know, you can normally hear, you can hear a crocodile, you can hear the ticking off that little clock they swallowed. Like in Petereter pan you'll smell them coming

but the sentence crocodiles don't know how to floss was just wonderful voting is still open as well for father of the year yes yeah celebrity dad of the year not father of the year like that's that's terrible i would know i wouldn't be in the top million for that imagine imagine like Father of the Year Father of the Year he's got one son

everyone and he's like I've got one son and he's literally goes to nursery on a morning and gets looked after by the grandparents on an afternoon I would not be in the top 10 million

can we yeah sorry so yeah voting is open ignore everything I said earlier about not voting please vote please vote I'm up for celebrity dad of the year if

you didn't already know voting closes shortly literally as this podcast goes out it'll be in a couple of days time it closes so just go on gives a little

vote just really so I can beat Rosie because Rosie can't second you're desperate't beat me and it's disgusting i don't think i'm gonna do you know what i mean i'm trying to make it fun but i don't think i'm gonna i mean there's there's great guys on that list jeff brazier i i would vote for him person there's better dads than you there is better dads than me on there yeah there's there's dads who've successfully raised kids who are now adults and i've just got a three-year-old and i'm

still sort of in the midst of it you know but still vote for us for a laugh it's only a daft little joke I'm not saying I'm the best dad in the world but I'm just saying

you know sorry he's just headbutted the microphone with pure anger there he's shit oh no can we just take a minute

to talk about the utter slander that was going on at the top of our stairs this morning from you and robin oh my god tell them what he said tell them what he said i'm not speaking to him still by the way in the morning when robin wakes up um he'll he'll come to our bed and he'll roll around the bed

and he'll uh he'll ask uh to go downstairs is the first thing he asks for we have a lovely big cuddle and he wants to go downstairs and he'll always say daddy go downstairs sometimes if daddy's got a lie in mammy will take him downstairs he always has a bit of a no i want daddy to go downstairs that seems to be his thing at the moment because you're not here as much as me but i've never took offense of that yeah so in the moment between me and you he's going no i want daddy to take me down not mammy which you know kids do this morning i don't mind personally because i'd rather stay in bed this morning he took it to another level so he went daddy we'll go downstairs and i said yes and i went to the bathroom and we both had my little father son we were standing either side of the toilet which is great um and then we got out of the corridor and i was there putting a little pair

of pajama pants on him after i took his nighttime nappy off and he just out of nowhere went daddy i love going downstairs with you i don't like going downstairs with mommy and i was i was mortified and i was like no no don't say that and i just heard you shouting from the bedroom you're like i can hear you is that the way it is is it it's absolutely i'll never forget it raging and I didn't go back to sleep no filter like they're just kids man it's just

oh they will just tell you they'll tell you to fuck off to your face I know because that's how they feel

in that moment I just John annoys me so much though the hours I've put into him the hours days

months years it's bored of you mate twat bored of you anyway she came second in celebrity moment of the year she just called her son mate twat bored of you well anyway she came second in celebrity mum of the year

and she just called her son a twat so guys get voting come on you owe it to children and parents everywhere to not let her beat me in this because that's not cool

I take it back no no honestly it's getting put out there come on I know you're joking just not joking I am

babadoo babadoo babadoo it's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef.

Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef.

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Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. beef. phone right stop um ladies first what's your beef rosemary ramsey okay the first of your name yes um i'm i struggle to choose one this week because i've got so many good ones it's always lovely here honest i still not running out chris okay still got so many my beef this week is you on a night time sleep without a top on that's fine okay ladies listening

just calm yourselves yeah yeah and then everyone well just before we're about to go to sleep you're like oh

should I have a cuddle yeah and you put your arm up yeah and you point and you go come on have a cuddle

to your armpit like that's how they do it in the films i know but i do not want to lie in your armpit worst places to lie probably but that it i don't understand this whole thing of let's hug and you can be in my armpit right do you mean them yeah you see this every time i come here and have a cuddle and you can be in my armpit. Right. Do you know what I mean, though? Yeah, you say this every time. It's only in bed. You come here and have a cuddle and you're just like, no, I'm not climbing into your armpit for a cuddle.

It's the end of the day. Yeah. Do you know what I mean? Going to bed. Right. Not that you don't stink or anything, but I don't want to nestle into your pit for a cuddle. Right.

Well, that's hurtful, right? But there is worse places to lie. What if I was asking you to lie in between a crocodile's tooth yeah a little bit on a little bit of rotten wildebeest rather that than your crotch oh that hurts um yeah you're really against that aren't you and do you know what it is there is you see it in films you see it in tv shows and it is it isn't a comfortable way to lie is it not at all it's not and you know what i did it for a while at the beginning you know i did a lot of things not swallowing that's recent episode um so just to get it in your mind's eye it's it's it's the man lying on his back me lying back

and you leaning up and having your head sort of on me peck, sort of collarbone-ish. Use the word peck loosely there. If you can put your head on that rock-solid peck, like lying on a bloody bit of granite. Chiseled, eh? Watch yourself. So your head is on there and my arms are on there. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

It is. It's essentially in the armpit cuddle. It's disgusting. Yeah, it's not comfortable at is. It's essentially in the armpit cuddle. It's disgusting. Yeah, it's not comfortable at all. No. It's not fun. No. Spooning's not that fun either, especially for the man, because you just get a face full of hair.

Face full of hair and a dead arm when you're spooning. Yeah. And, like, it's just not comfortable at all. Yeah. But in the beginning, we used to cuddle in bed, remember? We did for a bit, don't you? But then it's like, do you know what? This is bed, night, love you, kiss, roll over.

Sometimes I don't even kiss you. Sometimes I'll just pat you on the head. You tried kisses last night and I was like, I just don't want to be kissed. It's lovely. Sometimes you just don't. It's lovely marriage. It's just great. No, but you know what I mean, though?

365 days a year of marriage, not every day you want to be kissed. Wow. Oh, no. How wet? am I alone here some days I just don't want to be touched at all

by anyone wow and that's why Robin likes going downstairs with me because her attitude fucking stinks he's fine

he can touch us have you noticed at the minute that little boy is obsessed with my boobs? Yeah. Has to touch my boobs all the time. And I kind of just let him

because he's three. There's nothing. I know, and I don't want to make a thing of it because I think, I kind of go, Robin, like, no, no joking.

Like, you know, they're mummy's private bits, but I don't want to make a big deal of it because it's not a big deal really weird you don't know what you're sort of um and putting what impressions you're putting on them at that age you don't know do you all you know is that it's not rude he's not being a pervert he doesn't understand and it's just a part of mummy's body that he's you know yeah and i've got cracking boobs so i can't blame him i now don't want you to go downstairs and roam with him i will come down every morning because So I can't blame him. I now don't want you to go downstairs and roam with him.

I will come down every morning because this is getting weird. Awful. Right then, what's your beef with me? Okay, so my beef with you is very specific to this week, but I've noticed you've done this quite a few times. I'm getting sick of it, I'll be honest with you. We often, now especially, we often get to go away for work together. We did podcast awards and we get to go away to little hotels together.

It's very nice. We often were treated as a kind of work thing, but also sometimes you go, we'll maybe get a little bit of a nicer room because we're having a lovely little night away that we don't often get. Almost every single time we get into a beautiful lovely pristine incredible hotel room you immediately go for a poo like immediately like we open the hotel room before i've even took a photo of it or even

taken in the surroundings of a nice hotel room that i paid for me hard-earned sponsorship money that i'm getting for the podcast you you're already sullying the toilet and the whole and it's just it's like as soon as you get there it's like you wake up in the morning and go oh we're going to london tonight we're staying in a nice hotel i'll not have me poo i'll save it up for as soon as i get into that toilet that i'm sharing with him right okay right right i'm not pooing on the train and i'm excited all right so don't you dare and why are you gonna talk with stop talking about poo right well you third in listener's choice and all you talk about is flipping poo right disgusting it's just part of life it's part of life. Right, well, shut up.

Stop it, right? Use the one in the hotel lobby. These are nice hotels we're going to. No, put one in the hotel lobby. In the lobby, not like at the desk. Like, go to one of the toilets in the lobby or

the restaurant. Why would I do that? Well, at least wait until I've took some photos of the room and I've seen what the bathroom looks like. Just don't go in the toilet.

Sometimes they're open plan. Oh, yay. You know who? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bab. Okay, it's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public, public, public, public, public, public. You love a bit of that.

Rosie started printing them out now, so she clacks them on the thing. Well, do you know, we've got like 1,500 emails. Wow. So I'm just trying to get through them all. I started replying to a couple of them and then I was like, I can't. Oh, don't get into the thing of replying. I can't keep up.

So I'm sorry. I do read them. Thank you for getting in touch as well. If you want to get in touch, email it's shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com. If you want to send me a little question or a little tidbit, I'll get your opinion on anything. Yeah. Here we go. Okay, first question.

Hey, Chris and Rosie. Hey. Hi. Hi. Here we go. Okay, first question. Hey, Chris and Rosie. Hey.

Hi. My girlfriend and I moved to Australia a couple of years ago for a bit of a change and in search of better weather. Wow. I mean... Bold. Good reason. Bit of a change. Jesus.

I read that. I was like... Get a haircut. Put your partner on the other side. Go to your side of the world, loony. Devon's nice um anyway she complains that it's too hot sometimes and so we'll put the aircon on full blast and then cuddle under a blanket to feel snuggly is this justified or just totally ridiculous love the podcast ross mckenna wow so shit that's beautiful so she will she basically wants a

winter's night she does that's what she's missing isn't she she's manufacturing a freezing cold environment so she can put a blanket on oh i agree with it i would do the same i can get on board with it but climate change stop it don't do that have an ice bath and then wrap up in a towel don't be lashing your air con on in i mean what's going on it's a bit intense isn't it but i mean massively intense she's not doing it all the time i don't see the problem i can't understand you can't get snuggly in australia you just get sweaty yeah i can understand that on the flip side because sometimes we'll put the heating on to wear just pyjama pants and a pyjama top

rather than want to be freezing in the house and do you know what I mean put loads of layers yeah so as you know I always slag you off

because you don't put a jumper on but sometimes you want to be warm in your house but you want to be in comfortable clothing you don't want to be in layers yeah

so on the flip side I kind of understand that I mean she's wasting electricity and she's killing the planet but yeah yeah yeah babadoo babadoo babadoo okay I've got a question here Yeah, I kind of understand that. I mean, she's a waste of electricity and she's killing the planet, but yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Okay, I've got a question here. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Bloody loving the podcast. Thank you very much. I just wondered, is there anything that you definitely should have known but only discovered later on in life? For example, I only learned in my first year at uni that raisins were dried grapes first year at uni what's that 21 and more recently that prunes were dried plums didn't know that i didn't know that oh gosh

take take what you were laughing i slagged her off in the i slagged her off in the in the previous sentence and i didn't know that prunes were dried plums. Are they really? Wow. Brackets, I'm 34. Mind blown. We're 32 and our minds are being blown. Thank you very much. If you could think of anything, I would be very grateful. Just to know that I am not alone at being really, really stupid.

Brackets, I'm also a primary teacher from Louise. Brilliant. Wicked email, Louise. Thank you. I didn't know prunes were dried plums neither did i stuff like that like something i little things like that will pop up all the time but i kind of forget them as that happens i go oh my god my mind's blown and then i forget what it was so i can't think of one personally for me off the top of my head but my mate uh gaz yeah went on my stag do yeah i was on it this i was on another stag do recently and i got

told this story from my stag do that i'd never heard and this just blew my mind so gaz was lost one night and then he found his way back to the hotel right and he said to everyone guys if you get lost and you can't find your way back to the hotel tomorrow night on that main street just look for like in the middle of the road there's these honestly they're mental there's these like massive giant pineapples in the middle of the road when you see the giant pineapples just turn left right and we were like okay expect them like yeah so expect them like you know maybe a fruit stall that had big plastic you know i'm thinking them fiberglass kind of things that you can run up and bang them and make a big noise like a big plastic

pineapple the next night they all went out i wasn't with them they all went out the next night and they went what are you talking about it was palm trees wow i was on my only click on you know some of the ones that are a bit stouter they're a little fat and he was like look at them they're like massive pineapples aren't they amazing and everyone was like

that's beautiful guys they're palm trees mate that is wonderful though bless his heart that's great isn't that perfect my I

this is I don't know if this is the same but a girl I used to work with used to get words wrong all the time. And she thought, you know, roundabout? She used to call them roundy-bouts. Roundy-bouts.

Just roundy-bouts. And you'd be like, it's a roundabout, not a roundy-bout. I remember when I first started stand-up, I was doing a gig at the Dog and Parrot in Newcastle. And it was one of the funniest things I'd heard an audience member say to the comp. I wasn't comparing, but the guy

comparing said to a lady in the front row he said, what have you been doing today? And she said, I need cheering up because I crashed on my driving lesson, right? She'd done her first driving lesson, she'd crashed. And he said, what happened? And she said

the got to the roundabout and her driving instructor said straight over at the roundabout and she said the got to the roundabout and her driving instructor said straight over at the roundabout and she just mounted them she went straight over the roundabout and like mounted it and like clipped the bumper on it and stuff and yeah that was

I was dying like bless her heart. So good. Spray it all over the roundabout. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra

music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for

Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game.

And you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at Toronto rock.com. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the sunrise challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the center for addiction and mental health to support life-saving progress in mental health care from May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind.

So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Thought you'd like to know my friend has set up an actual I love Rosie Ramsey WhatsApp group and they attached a photo

thank you so much wow this is the question yeah but I was just chuffed that they'd set up a little group with a picture

the picture's a nice picture I mean you might have added that in I'll be honest with you no it's true yeah well I've never seen the original email I've just got a print out here you could have wrote anything fair enough anyway here's a nice picture as well. I mean, you might have added that in, I'll be honest with you. No, it's true. Yeah, well, I've never seen the original email. I've just got a printout here.

You could have wrote anything. Fair enough. Anyway, here's a question. Hold on. I've just got a new question here. Hi, Chris. My friends have built a We Love Chris Ramsey monument atop a mountain in the Lake District.

Oh, way back. That's a good one. You shut your face. Oh, I've got an update on the... Oh, I fell down. Gutted. Here's the question. So sad my monument fell over.

A recent poll amongst our female friends was, do you wear knickers under your pyjamas to bed? Results were pretty much split 50-50. I've got so much time on that hand so over to you do you a let the beef curtains breathe at night or b keep them safe and secure in a pair of knickers and that's from louise in leeds louise in leeds hello louise um i personally put a pair of knickers on for bed yeah yeah i always have even being a little girl i've always put knickers on a friend of mine not gonna mention her name yeah sleeps with nothing on not even

pajama pants even when you stay at her house in her bed she's got her badge out wow bold very funny um i have special big boxer shorts. You do. That I use, don't I? So I, when I went out, I've got a, I mean, you should talk about underpants, but this isn't them.

I've got even bigger ones. And I put them on and then I come into the bathroom and me and you are brushing my teeth and I sing, everybody's talking about my bed kegs. Got my bed kegs. I've got my bed kegs on. I'm the only one who's got my bed kegs Got my bed kegs I got my bed kegs on

I'm the only one who's got my bed kegs I got my bed kegs And I'm the only one Your bed kegs remind me of what my dad used to wear for bed though Yeah, they're like Which is a bit weird Well, it's like the boxer shorts I don't understand men who wear actual boxer shorts.

They go down on me knees. They're massive. It looks like someone's standing... They don't go down on your knees, Chris. They're quite long. It looks like someone's standing knifed off a pair of actual pyjama pants. There's no support in the crotch region at all. Everything's just hanging about.

You never used to wear anything for bed. Why have you started wearing boxer shorts? You're cheating on us. No, it's good. You love seeing how you're cheating on us. It's your main thing. I wear boxer shorts to bed now and I'm not naked

because our three-year-old son often climbs into bed with us and sometimes he kicks you on the end of the dick and it hurts. Oh. I know, I hate it when he does that.

Your dick's much bigger than mine so it's easier to kick. Hey, Rosie and Chris. After listening to the latest podcast, I thought I'd pass on my awkward dilemma. Lovely. I myself am a terrible gardener. Honestly, as soon as I buy those bastard flowers,

they commit plant suicide. Wonderful. On fixing this issue, I purchased artificial flowers and planted them in our front garden. Shut the fuck up. To my boyfriend's horror. But they bloom in all types of weather and they never need attention wow okay recently my elderly neighbor has been watering said flowers and i just don't have the heart to tell her. Oh, no. Before you ask, no, she can't say they're artificial as she's blind in one eye.

Do I tell her that they're not actually real? Oh, yes. Or tell her. Oh, you have to. You can't. I disagree. Don't tell her. What if she finds out in the future?

What if she finds out in the future? How is she going to find out? She might lean down and touch one. She might go, actually, that's so beautiful. I wonder where out? She might lean down and touch one. She might go, actually, that's so beautiful. I wonder where... And she might feel it and go, oh my God, this is like,

this is felt. So embarrassed. And yeah, and be like, she'd literally be like, that bitch has let me water these flowers for three years. I bet they're in there laughing at us now. You have to tell her.

You have to go, look, we didn't know how to tell you, but I'm such a loony. I've planted these fake flowers. I mean, what are you doing? Why are you planting them? Why are you planting fake flowers? What's she planted them in? Soil? Oh,ony. I've planted these fake flowers. I mean, what are you doing planting fake flowers? What's your planted them in?

Soil? Oh, God. I probably blooming. I don't know. Probably a bit of concrete. I don't know. Probably wood. Wood shavings.

Oh, gosh. You know what? Go one step further. Just have a photograph of a flower in front of your house. Laminated so it doesn't get wet. Absolute head case. Oh, okay. A little head case. Oh, okay. A little flick book.

Oh, I'll just turn the page over. I've got a rose today. Oh, I fancy a tulip. I'll just turn that page over. Spring, summer. So are you saying to tell her? Tell her. I'm saying not.

No, you have to tell her. You can't let her do that. That's not cool. I don't think she should tell her because I think it would be mortifying. Do you reckon? Let her just notice that. Let her just find out herself

and just stop watering them. No, make a joke of it. Say, look, it's so lovely that you're watering them, but do you know they're fake? Like, I don't know. It's a really strange one, isn't it? I feel so bad. Look, because of your dress, I'll go and tell her.

I'll go and tell her. I'll pull them out of your garden while you're at it as well, you absolute nutter. Why are you putting them in the front? You've got to see... Come on, man. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Got one here.

Hi, Chris and Rosie. Please... Hello. Sorry. Got one here. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Hello. Hello.

Please settle a discussion between me and the lads. Some of the lads, when they wipe their Oh my god I'm seeing these for the first time I'm going to change it to bum Some of the lads when they wipe their bum After they

Have had a number two They wipe back to front But some front to back How do you wipe your bum? From Marty Thanks Marty Marty? The hell's wrong with you man? but some front to back how do you wipe your bum great from Marty thanks Marty Marty the hell's wrong with you man

the hell's wrong with you first of all if anyone knows me you'll know I jump straight in the shower because that's my thing what back to front

that's what I want to know about yeah back to front's weird front to back like so so so sort of gooch to tailbone see it doesn't really matter for blokes but it does

for women yeah otherwise you're just pushing a load of getting loads of shine in your vag I couldn't

continue that sentence but you made it sound beautiful I didn't know you could quote Shakespeare I'm gonna release

a song next year guys called getting loads of shine in your badge. Oh, Jesus Christ. We look forward to being nominated for nothing at next year's podcast awards. Thank you.

I gave up on that ages ago. Guys, honestly, you have to vote for us in Listener's Choice every year because we are not getting nominated for any of the main awards. Come on. They were probably fuming we were number three getting loads no no no no i'm gonna have to cut that

off now that's not that's this is honestly goodness me marty you've dragged it into the toilet and it was already on the rim hi rosie and chris question for you both what childhood misconceptions did you have i believed for years that i had ginger hair because my mom ate ginger nut biscuits when she was pregnant with me my other half thought to make a b line for something meant traveling a path in the shape of a bee would love to hear if you believed anything so weird as kids and if you let robin believe daft things kerry oh i've got a few come on then i love hearing your weird childhood stuff well i wrote some down because i obviously i pre-read this email. Okay, so ours were,

if you ate the crusts of bread, you'd get curly hair. Yeah, and can I just interject here? My mum used to say that as an incentive. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was like, I don't want curly hair. I see, I was. I was like, I want a bit beautiful.

I see. Yeah, she was like, you've got to eat your crust to get curly hair. And I remember thinking, fuck that. Like, mother, I think you'll find GHDs will be purchased by me in the future. I see now that yeah she was like you gotta eat your crust to get curly hair and I remember thinking fuck that like mother I think you'll find I think you'll find GHDs will be purchased

by me in the future and I'm a boy well wait for me carrots help you see in the dark got you yeah good one never ate them

everyone's next door neighbour was a police officer do you remember that yeah yeah very good everybody yeah oh well we'll just go and get uh pc mcdougall who lives next door police officer come get you yeah they loved a bit of that didn't everybody mrs dingleberry who lives in cleeden towers oh this is right explain explain to the listeners now please about mrs dingleberry okay mrs dingleberry um Explain to the listeners now, please, about Mrs. Dingleberry. Okay, Mrs. Dingleberry.

My mum has been using Mrs. Dingleberry for years, okay? So, Cleeton Tower is where we live. There's this big water tower. And my mum and dad have always said that Mrs. Dingleberry lives there and that's where all the naughty children get sent. And Mrs. Dingleberry isn't very nice, right? So, we've always been terrified of Mrs. Dingleberry. You've got to go and live with her. I've got to go and live with Mrs. Dingleberry. They used nice, right? So we've always been terrified of Mrs. Dingleberry. You've got to go and live with her. You've got to go and live with Mrs. Dingleberry.

They used to literally pick up the phone. Yeah. Be like, bring a Mrs. Dingleberry. She'll come pick you up. We'd be like, no, my God, no, not Mrs. Dingleberry. My sisters. Paging Mrs. Dingleberry. Before that, mate.

Before that. Faxing Mrs. Dingleberry. Before that, mate. Before that. Faxing Mrs. Dingleberry. So my sister has two little boys. They're modern. You know, they're modern lads. Yeah, yeah. One of them, Oliver. Oh, I can't remember.

Oliver or Daniel. I can't remember which one. Yeah, I can't remember which one it was, but one of them flipped. One of them was terrified of Mrs. Dingleberry. To the point, my sister had to tell me, Mom, Mom, you need to stop threatening them of Mrs. Dingleberry. To the point, my sister had to tell me, Mom, you need to stop threatening them with Mrs. Dingleberry because he couldn't sleep. He was so scared of Mrs. Dingleberry in the tower.

So we all had to stop using it as a threat. And I don't know if she's done it with Robin yet I'm going to have to check We'll check the night When he gets back He's been with me My mum will be like Have you heard of Mrs Dinkler very well

Robin Robin wouldn't care Robin would want to go You explain If you could explain to Robin The concept that there's a tower You can go to With one woman

And loads of naughty kids He'd pack his own bag He'd be like Ma let us go He'd be like, Matt, let us go. He'd be kicking the door. Hilarious. Okay, I've got a question here. You're going to love this.

I enjoyed this. Yeah. It's very short. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Our safe word is cheesy muffins. What's yours? It's from Paul and Jane. Oh, my God. I don't understand safe words. what's yours it's from Paul and Jane oh my god right

can I just I don't understand safe words right well I'm worried about our listeners now because that is I mean we started

with the foursome on the first of that episode if you haven't heard that go back and have a listen to that but that's I mean we've got these are

these are bondage people here who are you having sex with Edward Cisahan do you know what I mean, we've got, these are bondage people here. Who are you having sex with? Edward Scissorhands? Do you know what I mean? Safe word? What's happening? What's happening? Well, these are people who like it rough.

So these are, I'm assuming if you've got a safe word, these are people who like to be hurt. So, but from what I understand from essentially billions, the TV show Billions, where Paul Giamatti's character's into all that oh yeah the getting hit or whipped

or slapped or the paddle across the bum or whatever it is but the screaming ow stop no ow stop is part of it

so the ow stop no ow stop is part of the thing it's part of the enjoyment for both of them right so then when you say cheesy muffins

you go alright okay that's the cheat code that's out of it do you know plus cheesy i could in the throes of passion the idea of cheesy muffins will really i mean that'll that'll that'll have your erection hitting the floor in no time cheesy muffins just make me hungry if i'm honest i was cheesy muffin our safe word is cheesy muffins what's yours our safe word is i don't want to lie in your fucking armpit our safe word is if this lasts longer than three minutes then we're not doing it our safe word is can you be arsed

our safe word is not that one down down a bit geography geography geography god damn it

oh stop just wanted to say sorry to my dad yeah who's um he actually doesn't listen anymore. Cool. I can't blame him, to be honest.

I don't think my mum and dad listen either. I think it's just your mum. It's just Sandra. Oh, God, mum. She's great. Just weirdly, if you are listening to the podcast now and you are not aware of the pom-pom incident with Sandra, go on Rosie's Instagram and watch the pom-pom in her highlights.

Trust us, it's incredible. Or the pom-pom in her highlights trust us it's incredible or the pom-pom bag the pom-pom bag oh my people stop me Charlotte Crosby I did a TV show

with Charlotte Crosby from Geordie Shore and she one of the first things she said was the pom-pom bag is one of the funniest things I've ever seen

wow yeah it is very funny Sandra's funny without knowing it like yeah she's hilarious

somebody actually emailed in I forgot about this someone emailed in to say oh your mom's got Instagram because we mentioned then she liked something right or she commented but my mom has never posted on Instagram really she just lurks comments comments but she'd never put a picture on but she is on there oh well there we go Do you want to stalk my mother-in-law? Got a question here from Joe and Penny in Leeds. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Me and my girlfriend have lived together for three years

and have always done our washing separately. Everyone thinks that we are weird, but I think it's just more convenient. Thoughts? Weird. Weirds? Weird. Weird. Really strange. Wash the clothes,

is it? Yeah, the clothes washing. So he won't do a light wash and a dark wash. He'll do his light wash and his dark wash

and literally remove hers and put that. That's so strange. So if he's got a day off and it's a lovely sunny day and he thinks I'll get all my washing done, he'll just do his washing

and leave all hers there but let's just right I'm gonna tell you something here oh I'm about to be slagged off oh god

no no I do most of the washing let's not lie I probably do take a slight preference to my own clothes than yours so if there's a really

full dark wash and you think there's too much, you'll take some of mine out and put yours in? Yes. I've got to be honest with you. I bet you do the same. First of all, first of all,

I think that is correct and I think it is the right of the person doing the washing. And yes, I do exactly the same. Yes. Brilliant. Good job. Good job that way your mom does a lot of our washing now she does and you've got a theory that she does it just to piss you off haven't you so this is what so rosie has managed to make her mom doing our washing doing us a lovely favor because she knows we're very busy but every time rosie's mom puts a wash

in rosie kicks off explain well right there's two reasons i kick off because my mom has got this thing of coming to our house right for a couple of hours putting a wash in leaving that wash in the washing machine and not telling either of us so then the next day i'm like why is the mom you put a what yes i did right well unfortunately sandra i don't look at the washing machine all the time. Do you know what I mean? One, there's a cupboard door on the front of it, so I don't know if it's there. I don't check up on the washing machine

if I haven't put anything in it. And two, I think she just does it with noise because she comes, and yes, she does with cleaning and stuff, which is lovely, but she'll come and she'll do, like, two washes and be like, I've done this and I've done that, and I'm like, why are you trying to be a better mom than me? Why are you trying to make us look shit

in front of my own kid? So, that annoys us. Sandra, if you're listening, which I know you are because you're a biggest fan, please don't stop doing it. I love that you do our washing. Thank you very much.

Can we just clarify, she just knew all the washing? If after what you've just heard, you want to take preference of mine over Rosie's, I'll totally understand do mine and leave hers no no no no no no no no mum

mum Sandra I'll be honest with you right you know what in fact yeah yeah the way Rosie's acting now I think you should

fool Mrs Dingleberry no not Mrs Dingleberry babadoo babadoo babadoo it's time for this week's celebrity question No, this is dingleberry. It's time for this week's celebrity question. Celebrity question. Celebrity question. Hello, Chris and Rosie.

It's Al Murray here. I was at your wedding and it was a beautiful day. Emotion and passion, love and tenderness. But I'm sat in a garage now, having to take my car in for a service. Have you taken your marriage in for a service? And if so, do you need an oil change? I love his little giggle.

Thanks, Al. That was Al Murray, pub landlord, and I still love seeing people's reaction when they see him when he's not in character well he didn't tell I got a shock there because he's very gentle spoken and he's a very nice man

but he's not he's a lovely man yeah normally if you're going to get him he goes cheers it's the governor here and you go oh hello

yeah he was at our wedding and it was a beautiful occasion and well do you want to answer this question what do you think have we took on I don't no not yet we're still alright I think And it was a beautiful occasion. And, well, do you want to answer this question? Have we took on... No, not yet.

We're still all right, I think. This is helping. I was just about to say, speaking of a service, this podcast is like a constant tune-up and detailing of the marriage. Isn't it just? Yeah. It's like, honestly, any couples out there who are having a bit of a, you know, well, we weren't having a bad time,

but any couples who just think, you know, maybe communication could be improved or whatever, just do something like this. Spend £500 on some recording equipment, sit in front of each other and do it. But even, not just that, little things that we've started doing more often is like turning the telly off when we're having our tea. Yeah. Actually having a conversation.

Sometimes, yeah. Taking time for each other. turning the telly off when we're having our tea yeah actually having a conversation sometimes yeah taking time for each other little I know it's a luxury that isn't afforded to many at all I know some people struggle

with childcare but I hate people I hate date night I hate that sentence concept yeah but

it's true when you've got kids you need a little date day or night well you've got kids you need a little day day or night well you've got to make sure that you're not just two people

who are looking after a kid I mean you are and that's very important but you're still there's a reason that you got together and the reason that you love each other

and stuff we get to do that a lot though because we're working away and stuff like that which is great for us but obviously not everyone's in the same boat but I would

I would really press that you just even just go to the cinema go for lunch a couple of hours it's it's it's really necessary marriage needs work all the time and it does need constant service and that's the point you can never sort of rest on your rest on your laurels and be like well i'm just with this person forever i'll just stop trying you've constantly got to work out you've constantly got to be doing stuff like that and yeah it is a it is a lovely luxury we've got and when we've been away for a little weekend away we'll come back and it's like a refresh it's like a little control alt and delete has been hit on the marriage and it's perfect and a word of advice

to anyone doing it um have a shit before you get to the hotel wow why do you're the one who always talks about shit seriously if we don't get nominated for any podcast awards next year i am blaming you. You bring this cod... You codpast. Codpast. You bring this codpast right down. I'm going to actually sponsor...

I'm going to personally put behind me a pocket and I'm going to sponsor a new category of the podcast award. What's that? It's going to be Best Toilet Humour Podcast. Yes. Oh, we would win hands down. You know what? We probably wouldn't.

There's probably a filthier one out there somewhere and I need to find it. Although my song, Shrouding Your Vag, will be out on iTunes. God damn it. How dare you? And now to play you out

is Rosie Ramsey with... I'm joking. Bye, guys. Shrouding My Vag. Bye, guys. Bye. There we go. End of another episode.

Thank you again for listening. I know we keep saying thank you, and we genuinely mean it from the bottom of our hearts. We are loving doing this, and we are loving all the interaction with you guys. That is genuine. There's no jokes in that. I'm being serious.

No, no, no. Yeah, nothing to joke about. Yeah, thank you very much. I'll second that. Yeah, if you want to get in touch, it's shagmarionoid at gmail.com and one thing I forgot to mention

I'm recording a brand new stand up special for 2019 at the Tyne Theatre and Opera House in Newcastle on Thursday

the 27th of June there's an early show and a late show both of them are then are you busy are you busy yeah no I'm not

I'm joking I'll be there I'll be there not invited there's an early show and a late show tickets flew out for almost everything apart from the back Both of them are then. Are you busy, are you? Busy. Yeah? No, I'm not. I'm joking. Good. I'll be there. I'll be there. Not invited. There's an early show and a late show. Tickets flew out for almost everything apart from the back couple of rows. The back couple of rows are still available.

It's like everyone went, we'll definitely go. It sold out almost immediately. Then everyone went, oh, I'm not sitting up there. It's really weird. So there's still tickets left, strangely. So there you go. Sorry, I'm nodding, but I'm very aware that this is a vocal podcast. So sorry, yes.

Yeah. It'll be great. I thought you were annoyed that i was trying to flog stuff absolutely not it's our podcast we can do what we like yeah my song shitting you bye bye bye it's not coming out it's never gonna come out the song not this the song is never gonna come. Not the excrement in the... Right. I'm going to go brush my teeth. Bye. Bye. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none.

Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com.