Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 150. Tony doesn't live here

Episode Date: January 14, 2022

This week on the podcast Chris & Rosie record a podcast and keep it extra real with some live interruptions. If anyone sees Tony, tell him they have his parcels! There's weekly beefs plus one for Netflix, Rosie suggests a unique way of having children and QFTP's cover butt plugs, guinea pigs and an unfortunate incident with a wet phone. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag, My Own Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey and him. dot ca got nothing planned I feel like we should have bought a cake I got some balloons and stood in the garden maybe holding my stomachs why stomachs I don't know like a pregnant thing

yeah didn't really make any sense both of our stomachs as well mine as well I don't know well it's episode 150 which is very

exciting so that means some of you some of you fucking nutters out there have been with us for 150 episodes so thank you very much

that's insane isn't it thank you so so much mad I love it that's the thing I tell you every single week what episode it is and you never give a's insane isn't it thank you so so much mad I love it that's the thing I tell you every single week

what episode it is and you never give a shit but then when it's a nice round number like 150 you've got to stop and notice means something doesn't it you've got to motherfucking recognise

is what you've got to do you've got to motherfucking recognise so yeah lots to go on about we're all cracked well into the year we're still seeing

happy new year to people no there's got to you've got to stop at one point I don't know like other than it's nearly halfway through January it's that thing of like

if you do an April Fool after midday on April Fool's Day you're the fool so watch out I'm not saying it anymore I haven't said it I haven't said it at all

no I just haven't said it you're not buying Christmas presents for most of the kids anymore so you're probably not wishing people a happy new year anymore you're just a piece of shit

guys before thank you so much for listening before going any further before we get that jingle and crack right on with the show it is time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor is people who've only seen the sequels to films and for some reason don't watch the first ones people don't do that people do that i'm telling you now people do people it's very irritating i don't want to mention him straight away so early in the podcast but from the podcast carl hutchinson no word of a lie you know i said to carl hutchinson recently i said to him have you seen the matrix because i was talking about something don't say you've seen the matrix uh the second one third one just the third one oh what he's just he's only seen

the third one he went i've seen i've seen the matrix three why yeah thank you i went why he went well yeah i'll tell you why and it's it is one of it it's one of my major annoyances in life for a couple of reasons right and it's literally only applicable to just me i mean there might be the odd person out there who feels this as well because they were in the same weird situation but um when i was about 13 14 um virgin cinema did cinema passes yes all of my mates bought six week passes for the six weeks holidays i had one for a little while every single day they went to the cinema they got i might mention before on the podcast but they got the cinema at 10 o'clock for it opening and they just went and sell films all day sometimes two of the same film in a a row. They'd go out, they'd see whatever was on. If a thing they wanted to watch started in an hour and a half, they'd go and watch three quarters of a two

hour film and then go. Fucking horrible. I never got it and I spent an entire summer on my own. It was horrible. Oh, you didn't get one? You didn't get a pass? No, no. Why? I went, what? Shit in the fuckers, all day! All day! I had to know. All day! Mean Steph used I had to know. All day.

Me and Steph used to have cinema Sundays. Right. Which looking back, it doesn't even rhyme. It's not the same letter. I don't know why we called it that. But anyway. It's half a rhyme.

It's kind of. Cinema Sundays. So we used to just go to the pictures on a Sunday. Right. And we'd watch it. Did we watch two? And all of a sudden, we watched two in a row. Right.

Sorry. That has nothing. Right. Okay. Wow. Wow. So I just said that my mates essentially moved into this. All right.

Okay, fair enough. I just said that my mates. You could have just went and watched one and then got the bus home. Yeah, I did a couple of times. It was the worst. Oh, so fuck you. So you did go. So what are you lying for?

I went once. I think, I remember going. I didn't go. I remember I went on the Easter holidays. Oh, cool. I went on the Easter holidays once with them. And it was literally, they watched like Dodgeball three times. And I was like, look, it's good, but come on, man.

It's a good film. And then, yeah, it was just they watched like Dodgeball three times and I was like look it's good but come on man and then yeah it was just awful I told you there that my mates essentially moved into the cinema for six weeks non-stop

and your reply was me and Steph went once on a Sunday we used to go every Sunday cinema Sundays yeah we get it

we all get it very clever Steph could drive I couldn't so she used to pick me up we'd get a McDonald's

and sweets and it was honestly some of the best days of my life. Will you stop saying will you? Right my long running beak with you is that you say that some really shite things are the best days of your life when you currently have two beautiful children with me and you're

doing quite well and you've got a few quid in your bank but you turn around and say things like Holy Island was the best week of me life. I'm Island was the best week of my life I'm currently living the worst days of my life absolutely honestly

it's so offensive wait till I tell the best oh sorry oh sorry forgive us for enjoying carefree carefree days of being 17

just not giving a shit about anything and just going to eat McDonald's and watch the cinema lazy lazy it was class

absolutely class we used to try we used to choose films like deliberately really sad oh and sit and cry oh god yeah

but that's when they made really good ones right do you remember there was some really good poignant like films about dying and that like

notebook boring sky pajamas yes all them kind of ones yeah yeah yeah just like I'll never understand I will never understand sisters keep out again and I don't want to make this notebook, boring stype pajamas. Yes. The lovely boys. All them kind of ones. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just like. Yeah.

I'll never understand. I will never understand. Sisters keep their house. Again, and I don't want to make this a male

female thing, but I'll never understand the female and women I know and I've known throughout my life of like, I'm

going to watch a really sad film and sit and cry my eyes out. I couldn't think of anything worse. It's lovely. It's therapeutic.

It's lovely. It is. I mean, I suppose it's probably why you're a bit more level than me because you will cry and let something out and then you'll go on with your day where I'll just bottle it's therapeutic. It's lovely. It is. I mean, I suppose it's probably why you're a bit more level than me because you will cry and let something out and then you'll go on with your day

where I'll just bottle it up, push it down nice and deep, get it pushed right down nice and deep and then Robin accidentally changes the channel on the remote one day and I'll go, fucking man, no! That's so true. That's what I like to do. See? Anyway, listen, back to me point.

Right, great. So Carl Hutchinson and a few of the rest of them have seen every single film ever from a very certain specific point in time in the early noughties and have seen

no other film since then. But can you imagine watching just The Matrix 3? So what you're trying to say is when they had that pass, The Matrix 3 was out. So whatever was out at that time.

So it's so irritating and I go back on to it with Carl soon. Why didn't they watch the other two first because he's just that kind of bellend he's that kind of bellend

and then he's got the audacity to go it didn't make sense oh right I didn't enjoy it didn't like it it doesn't make shite them films

which one's the one where you've just seen the end of the trilogy like you know I can be a bit I don't know ridiculous and do silly things but I would never watch

the third of a like so strange film selection trilogy three yes i just i just said it literally six seconds what's two sequel two two yeah two is it you've got your film oh i can't here you go a little quiz before i get the jingle on the go no no so we've got the film so we've got the film the first film and then the second one is the number one the second one is there and the third one makes it a trilogy and the fourth one makes it a quadruple quadrology very close

and the one before the first one is a penultimate no so if you take the first one and then the release of one before that with like an origin story that is a come on what is it you are close come on come on before the first one so they bring it out before the first one it's after the first one but the story takes place before the first one

so it's a come on there's people screaming this at their headphones and car radios they'll not be as many as you think no i guarantee there is it's really you're gonna be devastated when you get it wrong. Come on. It's an origin story. Yeah, but origin story in the film is there. I don't know.

Puh, puh, puh, puh, puh. Puh, puh, puh, puh. Puh, puh, puh, puh. Puh, puh, puh, puh. Oh, guys, you should see her. She's got a nosebleed. Puh. Prologue.

No! Fucking hell. Prequel. The prequel! Oh, you knew it did you you knew it yeah

get the jingle on yeah shame brush your teeth shame shame shame it's a good program do the jingle

we had a fight about the jingle jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle so this is the jingle jingle we hope you like the jingle, jingle.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married and Annoyed. As always, we're just so buzzing that you're back with us. Absolutely buzzing. Lovely to have you here. I'm even more buzzing because I don't sound like a pilot this week either what do you mean?

I'm not as congested in the old head oh no thank the lord Chris Chris got better I'm okay again I was a brave little boy

I'm okay now still got I've still got a little bit of a stuffy head do you know what I think I've got? what? I think I've got a long cold long cold?

I think I've got long cold is that a thing now? is that we're just going to bring it into everything? yeah I'm just going to yeah I've got long cold great I've got long cold I'm not talking about now? Yeah, long cold. Are we just going to bring it in everything? Yeah, I've got long cold. Yeah, great.

I've got long cold. I'm not talking about it. Don't even... I didn't talk about it. No, you are. You're signaling towards it and I'm not going there. All I'm saying is I've got long cold. I'm not going there. It's just a cold that day, guys.

It's not happening. It's long cold. Not happening. Listen, tell you what as well. Everyone out there, you can stop worrying, right? It's fine. I've sorted it. You know, you can start getting sleep again.

Stop lying awake at night, staring at the ceiling. I've been to the tip. I've got rid of all the recycling. Oh, thank God. Don't hate me. Me. I will give you a little. Oh, the full day of tidying up the garage.

Big, big shout out to everyone who's been to the tip in the new year. Big respect, guys. Big love. One love. One love. One tip. Was it not really busy? No, it was dead

dead does everywhere call it the tip the tip the recycling village whatever you call it that's an awful name recycling village literally call it recycling village

in South Shields it's called South Tyneside recycling village why obviously I go to one in Northumberland now why would you call it that because it's a

recycling village is there a shop in a pub yes no but there's a shop alright exactly is there houses near it Is there a shop? Yes. In a pub? No, but there's a shop. All right. Yeah, exactly. Is there houses?

Near it. Is there a park? Technically, I mean, there's enough toys thrown away to make a fucking park. Yeah, and the one, yeah, recycling centre

or incinerator, my dad used to call it. He would say, let's take, I'm going to take that to the, I used to get really excited. He was like,

we'll take that to the incinerator and I imagine just like a fucking, like a volcano just throwing shit in and it's just, it's just, just's just just so in the skip but anyway i've been to the time i've not been the tip for years you know and i remember the last time i went i can genuinely remember standing there and looking at all the stuff people are throwing away and being like

that's a that's a good door that you yeah you'd be a fucking nightmare to take you'd be crawling excuse me yesterday although no word of a lie, yesterday, the cardboard one, the cardboard one was full, so some people piled some cardboard at the side of it. On the floor was a full, it easily must have been a thousand piece

jigsaw of some cowboys that had been done. That someone was throwing away. Right. But they must have glued it to something. But a jigsaw is cardboard, isn't it? So they're throwing the full cardboard thing away and I was just like oh look at them cowboys

I nearly put them in the car but I didn't please don't it was a nice jigsaw I thought what's the part I was like if it was in the box and I knew there was no pieces missing I would definitely have took it home

but I'm alright for who's gluing a jigsaw together people who don't want the jigsaw to fall apart next question look at you you hate organised people don't you

I just oh there's the door who's there it's the door. Doorbell. Who's there? It's the jigsaw. They haven't listened to your handmade sign, have they? They couldn't give a shit, eh? He's looking out the window now.

Who is it? Right, he's going to... Hang on, he's just shouting out the window to find out who it is. One minute. Who is it? Not selling garden furniture again, are they? Who goes there? Hello?

Hi, mate. Tony doesn't live here. Tony doesn't live here. Right, okay, so I'll just let you... He's into a little secret here. We keep getting parcels for a man called Tony and Robin keeps saying it's for Tonair, which always makes me laugh.

And they've got a similar address to us. Chris is getting a little bit sick of having to always go and drop them off, so he's now just telling the delivery driver who keeps dropping them here. Might get a bit heated. I'm just going to keep an eye. I bet you feel better now. What? Have you sorted out that little... Thankfully, not. You had two seconds, right?

Right, OK. He's coming back shutting the window oh Jesus cold right I'm back now far from me to slag off delivery drivers Amazon delivery drivers

DHL anyone who are missing out all of the delivery drivers you kept the world running oh yeah when none of us could leave I'm not slagging you off at all he's going to

you're amazing well I'm a little bit they keep turning up at this house with a package not slagging you off at all. He's going to. You're amazing. Well, I'm a little bit. They keep turning up at this house with a package for a bloke called Tony. But I'm saying I heard what Robin calls him. What? Tony. Tony. Tony. Who's Tony?

So we've got so many, yeah, so we get so many of these packages that our son is reading them. His name's Tony and we keep getting the packages here and I wouldn't be arsed if it said Tony and then our address. Yes. But it says his address.

I go, I went, where's the town? What town is it? Different town. What's the postcode? Different postcode. Why are you bringing it here?

Why is it coming here? I don't know why they keep bringing it here. The other day, I woke up in the morning and there was a parcel for Tony. I drove down to his house which is a good 10 minute driveway

from fucking fields and country lanes. I drove down and his house which is a good ten minute driveway from fucking fields and country lanes I drove down I dropped one off I came back a fucking other one had been delivered for him in the time I'd been

at his house yeah crazy no he doesn't he doesn't even need to change his address because it is his right address

he doesn't need to change anything bless him so he's an older gentleman so he said yeah I've been on the phone to Amazon and I went eh?

and I was like you've been on the phone to Amazon and he I went, eh? And I was like, you've been on the phone to Amazon? And he went, yeah, I phoned them to sort it. I went, you phoned them? Phoned to Amazon? Amazon have got a phone. I couldn't believe it. It's all robots.

I've been to the factory. There must be a phone somewhere, isn't there? There must be someone. Imagine so few people phone Amazon. It's just Jeff Bezos. That's funny, though. Hello, Jeff speaking. Hello, Jeff Jeff it's Tony

hello Tony is that Tony who lives at no I don't live there I live somewhere else and that's what I mean to talk to you about you've reached me

private line Tony that's good no one would you put this on the website for a joke Tony you're the only person who's ever

phoned Amazon congratulations oh that is such a generational thing. Look at us. Look at us laughing down at the older generation. My mum and dad. My mum and dad would phone Amazon. They would phone Amazon.

Yeah, they would 100% phone Amazon. My mum would say things like, I phoned for my Uber. Yeah. Yeah. Although then again, I've never used Uber in my life. I've never used Uber.

I've got Uber. Never used it. Why? I don't like the stuff where I get reviewed. I've spent my whole career getting reviewed when I'm on and trying my best you as a passenger don't get reviewed

yeah you do you get reviewed as passengers don't you? I'm sure you do shut up no I'm sure you do do you?

oh you've got a bag oh you've been getting your flaps out of the back of the taxi what have I been doing? a flaps out for the paparazzi hang on a minute are you telling me

you can't masturbate in the back of Ubers that's what I thought they were for I don't think you can anymore are you joking me you can't masturbate in the back of Ubers? That's what I thought they were for. I don't think you can anymore. Oh, you're joking. I think they changed that. What?

Just on my own? I've got a long coat on. Sorry, can I just go as well? Back to slagging off delivery men, please. Of course, yeah. So you've got a sideboard delivered the other day

because you've got a problem and you are just getting more. Can I just, right, I've got a problem. I'm keeping, keeping antique shops alive. It's just unbelievable the amount of shit we get out of it. I'm recycling. You talk, you love recycling. I'm recycling because shops alive. It's unbelievable the amount of shit we get.

I'm recycling. You love recycling. I'm recycling because that's an antique. I'll take the tip. Anytime you want me to take that shit to the tip, I'll take it to the tip. No. Do you know what?

It's cheaper. The new stuff. And the wood's better. It's like pure oak. Yeah, it stinks. None of this mango wood shit. So basically, the other day, you were like, make sure you're in for three o'clock

because a sideboard's getting delivered. Between three and six they said irritating they came at quarter three I was in the house and I heard the doorbell getting rang

and I looked out I was in the downstairs toilet so I looked out the window and I saw two blokes and I like waved and they waved and I thought okay that'll be the guys

with the thing I go and open the door for them I open the door the sideboard which must be about seven foot long was on the porch Was on the porch.

Yeah. Half on the porch, half hanging out on the drive. And I thought, they must have just walked back to their van because their van was on the corner. And were they gone? Well, I was like, they must have just walked back to their van to get their harnesses or something to bring it in. Right.

And normally they go back to get their little shoe, you know, their little shoe shower caps so they can wear your shoes in your house. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Nice. To don't dirt your floor. Uh-huh. And the van drove off. Ah.

And I was stood there with a baby and I was stood there with a baby I was stood there with a wreath in me arms and a fucking seven foot sideboard half hanging on the drive and I was like what do I

what do I do I couldn't they just fucked off so I just I think I put a couple of coats over the side of it in case it rained and I just left it there

oh my gosh I've got the best story ever but I don't never say never say it's the best story ever okay it's not the best story ever but I don't know if I'm allowed to tell you story ever okay it's not the best story ever but I don't know if I'm allowed to tell you it

my friend that went out at the weekend told me this story so my friend's mum parcels were getting mixed up all over the place

on her road so she lives on a street with a name but there's a couple of others with a similar name but different so it's like

such and such road such and such avenue such and such drive yes so there's a few of them so their parcels get mixed up avenue crescent yes exactly so the parcels get mixed up quite a bit right um so this one day her parcel went to somebody else's house and they had left it inside of the bin so she spoke to the postman and was like,

where's my parcel? He was like, oh, I've put it in such and such crescent. And it's in the bin. And she was like, well, what? He was like, well, can you not just go and get it? And she was like, well, I don't. You know, blah, blah, blah. Thank you, pod.

You cheeky fucking prick. Well, yeah, firstly that. But anyway. Wow. So she went to the house where a parcel was in this bin. Great. And she knocked on the door. Nobody in. So she took a parcel was in this bin and she knocked on the door nobody in so she took

her parcel out of the bin right a day later on the local Facebook page fuck off fuck off

there she was the picture from the CCTV does anybody know this woman who stole my parcel oh we've been

parcel bin lady cat bin lady parcel bin lady and obviously she was rightly so mortified and I know my friend's mum very well

and I can imagine that she would have been utterly mortified and she did in her defence she did try and knock on the door and I don't think she thought it through but I was just like that is so funny. But was it her actual parcel? It was her parcel. But what's her problem? What's the person's

problem then? Because they didn't know. They didn't know who she was. Right. They didn't know so they did not know that she had spoken to the postman and all of this had happened. But surely she saw their CCTV and thought there's a parcel now. They saw their CCTV and thought, there's a parcel now, I've been there. They saw their CCTV and they saw the door get knocked on first.

Well, she did ask them that. Yeah. And then I think... Well, so she just went on Facebook and be like... No, I think she made her husband go round and ask. Husband went round and ask. And say, like, and just kind of put it right. Wow.

Yeah. Oh, that's brilliant, though. Probably doing it. That is so... Not, by far and away, not the funniest story I've ever heard in my life. Oh, that's brilliant. That is so, not, not, by far and away, not the funniest story I've ever heard in my life. All right, man. Not absolutely hilarious as you said it would be,

but you know, solid, three stars, some funny bits. Brilliant, brilliant. Three stars, some funny bits. Better than some shows you've been in. Better than a lot of shows I've done. Shorter as well, which is always good. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. I was out over the Christmas period

and I had a conversation with someone which was up there with one of the worst conversations I think I've ever had in my life oh great, they're always the best yeah so people are always with what we do when we get loads of input from different people and you meet people and you speak to people you never would and people are always surprising us but I was surprised

more by a close friend of mine we were out on the night out and I was showing them the photo of when the tree fell over in more by a close friend of mine we were out on the night out and I was showing them the photo of when the tree fell over in the garden

and a friend of mine literally said how does a tree fall over and I went what do you mean and he went how did it fall

over and I went the wind and he went but it's a tree and I went did you think trees couldn't

fall over it was one of the maddest conversations I've ever had is it who I'm thinking of isn't he really intelligent he's a fucking lawyer yes but then you find

that people like that yeah aren't that intelligent it was unbelievable they're intelligent in certain ways but then common sense kind of

something so little like that as a tree falling over would baffle them does that make sense he went but it's got roots. I went, yeah, but the wind was 100 miles an hour. And he went, but like how?

And I was like, is this a law thing? Is this what you do? Is this, you know, Your Honour, here is a video of the woman taking me parcel out of the bin. Well, how would you take a parcel out of a bin? Well, you just lift the lid. Well, how? Well, good point.

Well, okay, she didn't do it. Like, it's defence. Yeah. Honestly, one of the worst conversations I've ever had in my life. Oh, that's good. Yeah. I thought it would have been a bit more interesting than that. Oh, okay, so we're doing that.

Solid two stars. Oh, wow. Some interesting parts. Wow, reviewing each other's stuff. Had to be there. Yeah, great. Had to be there. Great, okay.

I'm tasting my own medicine. Yeah. It tastes bloody lovely yeah thank you babadoo babadoo babadoo bah so I saw something

that irritated me the other day oh right and it's been a thing for a while but I really looked into it the other day and I thought

what the hell's this right you know Netflix have just they've got now they've got a play something button have you seen this

no and it's not that it's not the button or Netflix that noises it's the fact that people I'm jealous of people's lives who can use this. So obviously we're really busy.

We've got two kids. We're at that stage where, you know, Robin's quite self-sufficient now, but Rafe's fucking worn and he just needs you constantly. It's the nightmare ages. Yeah, you can't do anything. No. You feel like your life is shit.

Wow. No. Use your words. Use your words. words no when your kids when your kids I don't know what it was gonna be you feel that your life

is like sort of fulfilled but also the sort of limits on your life because you are you're tired shit I feel your life's shit

wow I don't know it's a real I have when anyone used to talk about ages of kids they'd be like I just don't want them about ages of kids, they'd be like,

I just don't want them to get any older. And they'd be like, one and a half, I'd go, fuck this. Robin's brilliant now. It's not. If I could have a kid

that came out at four, but I could remember everything. Hell of a C-section that, like. They'll not just go across the front, they'll go all the way around and lift you off like a Russian doll they'll slit you from the arm down

and just come out honestly that's what I would do I would just have a four year old but I'd like to be injected with the memories of all of the years but not have to actually experience them sorry let's just take a breath here let's just take a breath and let's just discuss here the um the scientific marvel that

you've come up with yeah i've given birth to a four-year-old naturally natural birth of a four-year-old you know imagine what they come out clothed with a little cap on and that and choose oh fully fully toilet trained yeah yeah ready ready to start school the next week great and you are injected in the head and you are injected in the head and into your head goes toilet trained yeah yeah ready to start school the next week great so I don't have to spend too much time and you are injected in the head and you are injected

in the head and into your head goes all of the memories of the four years the joyous four years of raising that child yeah

and we're not far off it we're not far off it we're not far off it honestly 25 year we're not far off it. Oh, fucking hell. We're not far off it. There's delivery men outside

just bringing stuff to the wrong house for no reason. And we're not far off it. Fucking hell. Oh, my. Anyway, it's really like don't because then I get guilty

and I feel because I really hope that people understand that I'm joking and I think people know they know if you've been listening to this podcast

for 150 episodes you know our sense of humour and you know how much we love our kids 99.9% of people who've got children understand there's a very small percentage

of and they're a gift and they're the best thing ever and I say nothing negative about your kid those people are weird as fuck but and people who don't have kids we don't surround ourselves with those people yeah well people don't have kids so why do you say nasty things about kids and carl lutchinson again asked me what it was like being a dad and i told him and the best way i can describe being a dad it's a couple of words it's good but it's shit that's the best way i can describe having kids it's great but it's shit at the same time and but the greatness way I can describe having kids it's great but it's shit at the same time

but the greatness does outweigh the shitness of course it does that's why we did it again yeah but that's so you want to have a four year old

you want to give birth to a four year old so you're going to have how long so no no so here we go so in your little I don't want to experience

pregnancy though right okay good no do you want maybe it's a month maybe it's a month month Maybe it's a month. A month of it. A month of a four-year-old inside you?

No, just the shell. The shell? I don't know. Like an egg, so now an egg's coming out. Pause, just come on. Listen. No, no, no, you listen.

No, no. Are you about to tell me I'm thinking too much? Okay, listen. No, wait. Don't shout at us. A four-year-old will be dropped off at the door. Right, okay.

Let's take it away that I have birthed a four-year-old. Were you just about to tell me that I'm thinking too much? Because I put it to you that you're not thinking enough. Because this is the ramblings of a mad woman.

You want a four-year-old. I'm now wondering whether I liked four. She'll go five. She'll go five. Well, six is me. Robin now is my favourite list he's ever been

he gets better and better and better he's just class he's my little mate and I don't want him to get any bigger I don't want him

to get any older Rafe could hurry up if I'm honest because he's a fucking liability you want a six year old dropped off yeah

I mean to be fair we'll probably get Tony's from around the corner we'll not get ours he'll get ours he'll get ours we'll get his I'd have a couple of them Tony Junior

listen Tony Junior six years old ready for school you get injected in your head with all the Tony Junior memories I'd have twins I'd have twins

wow I would I'd have a couple of them yeah I want a bigger family genuinely I would have more kids but I can't put myself through

the young years I can't I can't do it kids but I can't put myself through the the young years I can't I can't do it again and I can't go through you being pregnant again it's painful no I hate being pregnant so but I'm gutted

because I would have more kids I would love to have four kids but just all of them be six and above I've had a word I've had a word in this scenario

I've had a word all the eminent scientists in the world have all got together can I can I ask that it's not any of them who worked on COVID yeah it's not any of them who worked on Covid?

Yeah it's none of them Basically right it is all of the best scientists but you know biological engineers ever from movies who've made them real They have sorted it I don't want him who did the DNA

in Jurassic Park He was not trustworthy The guy who did the DNA in Jurassic Park no no he was not trustworthy he's gone the guy who did the first big one the guy who mixed in the frog that could change sexes him in the lab

get him out of here yeah oh no right get him out of here so we've sorted it yeah you can have a six year old

appears injecting the head you get your full memories of him being six but you have to I want a girl I've got two it can of them being six but you have to be I want a girl I've got two it can be a girl

please but you have to be pregnant for six years and nine months oh fuck to get that so what you have to be pregnant for six years and nine months

right no why would I do that I'd rather have the kit I'd rather be pregnant and have another just from birth right so you'd have

from zero or the upper six you'd have them living that rather than just keep them in your stomach the upper six, you'd have them live in that rather than just keep them in your stomach for the six years, nine months. Absolutely not.

Why would I do that? You can drink for the six years. It's a special one. Oh, right, okay. Now. That was the problem then. Okay, I thought that might have been the problem. What stage of pregnancy would I get?

What would it be? There'd be six. There'd be six. There'd be a six-year-old inside you. I'm sorry. You'd be, yeah. You'd be bigger than you've ever been. Like, you'd just have a huge no gigantic i'm gonna i'm gonna you won't be in your car

but it wouldn't matter because you'd be pissed all the time i'm gonna choose no why would i why would i do that why have you ruined this i just i'd like to just explore all the possible okay well listen you've ruined it and now I feel really actually quite grateful for Rafe so it's worked and I just want I need to say that do I sound really horrible by saying these things

no like I say people who you know you're allowed to slag your kids off I love him so much but it's just we're at that stage now

of the of the sleeping in his own room in the cot and it's just going and settling him every bloody whenever

and it's just it's just it every bloody whenever and it's just, it's just exhausting. Well, I wouldn't know because me and Rob are naff off to the guest room and we just have a lovely little time

through there. It's great. We've got the life now that everybody used to say and I will hold my hands up and I was like, I'll never do that. I did.

I was such a dick. Your sister and brother-in-law used to say, oh, we are just going in one bed with one kid and I'll be like oh oh

you know your children rule your bedtime now I'm like if I can have an extra half an hour I'll sleep in the fucking garden I will sleep in the garden

on my own if I can have an extra half an hour I don't care same so we are we talked we talked

which is ridiculous we talked a good game we did talk a good game but we talked just recently about putting a sofa bed in our bedroom and all sleeping in one bedroom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Just because it's easier. Yeah. I literally, Rosie, I woke up this morning and I didn't know where you were. You went to the guest room this time and your mum had got up with Rafe and Robin was next to me. Oh, it's just a...

I love it though. It's fucking carnage. I love it though. It is's something quite nice what did i say that i wanted to do the other day what i wanted to be what who i wanted to be the other day i said i would love to be one of them grandparents in willie wong and the chocolate factory who lives in the bed and all the families together yeah i mean the the key here is you just want to be in a bed all the time you said to me the idea you are never happier than when you're having

a coffee in bed whereas I like to get up and out of bed straight away but you just want to live in bed yeah you would live in bed all day wouldn't you yeah

yeah you're sad very very sad listen so Netflix have got this button right oh fuck me I'm so sorry this is painful

well all I was getting at was Netflix have got this button now that says play something so you turn on you know you know you can choose your your profile you know so you go on netflix and i've got you know we've got mine we've got yours we've got my mom and dad's we've got a lot of things costing netflix millions um you can go under your profile name and you literally click on play something play something and it just puts anything just puts something on so you won't have

chose it just you know you press shuffle on Spotify or shuffle on Apple Music or something you just press shuffle

and it'll be a pro any song I did it today I just pressed shuffle what if it's like Schitt's Creek season 3 episode 9 I don't think they do that

I think they start because I did it today and it put Queer Eye on series and whatever episode 1 I've never watched that and I really think I would love that

right you're going against my point here my point is I'm very angry that that is so they've obviously done market research

and they've obviously done there's people who just sit for ages and ages and ages and it's like let us choose for you but it's people who have the time

there is people out there who I'm so jealous of who will have the time where they go I've watched everything I want to watch so I just let Netflix and you go

fuck yourself I have got no time there's piles of stuff I haven't watched yet I went to watch I stole half an hour to try and watch The Witcher and then I realised

I didn't know what the fuck had happened so I've got to steal six what 13 hours to re-watch Witcher Series 1 yeah we do did you watch it without me

no no we stole a bit of time we're like let's watch Witcher and it came on previously on The Witcher and I went I don't remember any of this so I've got to re-watch Witcher series one? Yeah, we do. Did you watch it without me? No, no. We stole a bit of time. We're like, let's watch Witcher and it came on previously on The Witcher and I went, I don't remember any of this so I've got to re-watch the full season.

Big shout out to everyone who's got to re-watch season one of The Witcher, by the way. If Henry Cavill listens, if he gives a ring, mate, and just catches up on what's going on, that'll be good.

Thanks, man. Well, that was because that was in the deep, dark pits of lockdown. Yeah, I can't even remember what the hell happened there. I was too drunk. Yeah, yeah.

You can't expect to follow an intricate cross I mean a cross has timelines it's very intricate show it's an incredible show but you can't expect to follow that

watching it at 8 o'clock at night when you started drinking at 4pm that afternoon yeah that is true that is true so I suppose that's our fault and not

Netflix's or Henry Cable's or anyone we'll get it back you know one day we'll get it back we'll get yeah that's the thing we'll get it back

and we'll be miserable that's the thing why because people get it back people go oh my kids don't sleep in my bed anymore and i've got loads of time and i'm fucking miserable that's why you see blokes getting up at fucking six in the morning on sundays and building sheds and you go you're building a shed again for dave you've got three sheds the kids don't sleep in the bed anymore i've got no purpose oh god and then you die and then you die it's over! Let's shut the fuck up and just try to enjoy the situation.

I've got three kids getting dropped off in half an hour. Right, and now I've got to go all the way down to Tony's house and swap them for ours. Fucking sick. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah! You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series.

This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together

and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca That's sunrisechallenge.ca It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef.

Now, just before we start the What's Your Beef section, I would just like to add in a really, really quick beef that I've got with my wife, that none of you will know this, but again, I'm breaking the fourth wall. I just paused and exported the file on the last bit um and a little break that we have before we do the what's a beef section and rosie just looked at me and said why do people listen to this um so that was that was it's all about you know you're all you're right you know you're about to go on stage you're a performer it's all about positivity you know there's ufc

fighters i've talked about before they stand in the corner going I'm the best I'm the best and they go out and they win the belt in between sections of this podcast my wife and co-star of the podcast

looks at me and says Chris why do people listen to this that really that really keeps you going that really does oh I don't keeps you going

throughout your performance it's because it's just us talking about that bullshit but there you go but we're laughing I'm sure other people are laughing alright man don't say that.

I mean, yeah, but... There's nothing sacred anymore. No, nothing sacred. I've run out of content, man. Whatever you say, I'm going to use. And then you die! God, see. Right.

So, yeah, I was about to say, guys, keep sending in your beef, but that's not this section. That's next section. But it's your beef time. What's your beef? Because I've got a beef with you, love. I've got a beef with you all over the place.

My beef with you is, you went out at the weekend. I did me beef you deserve a good night you went out with your friends tell your face that when i'm going out you do that yeah still don't like being left with the kids i'd rather you took them with you i feel like every pub uh restaurant should have some kind of creche where when you're going out with your mates you should just drop the kids off at the creche at the door and then have your drink and then yeah i just feel like i should be allowed to just you know go on my bike and live your life listen you go out you've done this for years and i really realized properly that you did it the other night you go out with

your mates you come in you don't come in steaming steaming drunk you're a little bit tipsy woos which is fine yeah and you don't come in you know three four five in the morning you're not one of them you're the same as me start early finish early love it that's how you do a night out you come in from your night out and you lie next to me in bed and you on full volume watch videos from the night out you've just been on

and it's fucking painful it's so painful that's hilarious what? don't remember brilliant you literally go and I'm just here

bars and dancing and music and you and your mate woo woo yeah woo You literally go, and I'm just here, bars and dancing and music, and you and your mate, woo! Woo, yeah! Woo! I'm done!

Selfie! It's out! It's out! It's out! Woo! And I'm just lying there going, I wasn't on the night out, but somehow I'm now having to relive the fucking night out.

Oh, it's horrible. What's the matter with you? What's the matter with me is, I don't want to relive your night out through a tinny phone speaker in bed when I'm trying to get a bit kipper and you're lying there burping and farting and watching yourself in your videos.

Sick of you. Take that back. My beef with you, Christopher, is... You're not denying it, are you? What? Watching videos? You just did, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't remember.

Sorry. That's two weeks in a row now. Your defence of the beef has been I don't remember. You alright? Yeah. Cat scan. Want a head been, I don't remember. You all right? Yeah. Cat scan. Want a brain scan?

What's going on? Was I pissed for both of them? What was the last week? I don't remember. We all know you've got a problem. The tap, when I said you catastrophised about the tap and you said you can't remember seeing that it was the wrong tap. I still stand by that.

That never happened. Definitely happened. 100%. Didn't happen. It wasn't me. It was your mum. Wrote me a phone and something happened. It wasn't your mum.

Go on. My beef with you is, I had one here, but I'm actually going to scrap that one for... Oh, off the cuff beef. Every time that I go out, you put a little face on,

give it the old, leaving me in a cage. Yeah. And it's awful. And it ruins my night for a good 10 minutes. 10 minutes? 10 minutes! And then I go, fuck him. 10 minutes. 10 minutes? 10 minutes!

And then I go, fuck him. 10 minutes of an eight-hour session. I'm going out and having a lovely time. Because you go out and have a lovely time and I don't. Very rarely. That is not my fault that you do not schedule nights out with your friends. It's not my fault that you don't do it. In all honesty, I don't have any friends and I don't have any hobbies.

Well, there you go. Not my problem. That's my life. Not my problem. Not my problem. Had a bloody good night. Glad you did. Good day. You're right, though.

Day drinking. Everyone, listen. Change the game. Why are you drinking skinfuls from 8 o'clock at night until God knows when in the morning and then ruining your next day? You're staying up late and you're full of drink. You're going to feel like shit the next day no matter what. I'm telling you, start early, finish early.

Get yourself out. Midday. Lunch. Drinks, drinks, drinks. Maybe some tea. More drinks. full of drink you're going to feel like shit the next day no matter what telling you start early finish early get yourself out midday lunch drinks drinks drinks maybe some tea more drinks back in bed home nine o'clock asleep

fresh the next day yeah I agree bish bash bosh do you know what pisses me off what the pub scene and bar scene discriminate

against certain months of the year right and I really don't like it the pub scene and bar scene discriminate against certain months of the year what do you really don't like it the pub scene and bar scene discriminate against certain months yeah what do you mean so summer you can go day drinking there's loads of places open saturday afternoon in the sun it's class there's loads of music everyone's dancing it's great

loads of fun autumn winter nothing christmas yeah it's back look at this yeah day drinking everyone's having a christmas all on Christmas days, blah, blah, blah. Wrapped up, all lovely, lovely, jubbly, lovely. January, February, March. Football. Yeah. Why? Why do we do this?

That's a very good point. Yeah, it's a very good point. I think more people would do day drinking if there was more available. Right. I mean, it is available. There's just not as many people there because not as many people do it at them times. But I know what you mean. But look, my whole life, my entire career, my entire career my entire career my weekend is monday tuesday it

always has been monday and tuesday is my weekend i i've spent many a time me and one person in a pub absolutely mortal on a tuesday afternoon because that's when i go out do you know what i mean yeah but i'm talking a saturday saturday afternoon right do it. There was not many people out on a Saturday afternoon. Well, one place that we found was actually really busy, but I'm not going to say it because then everyone will go. Right. And I want to keep it to myself. I was going to say, you can take it back saying it's not busy

because I watched the videos. It was busy. There was loads of people screaming and dancing and shouting. One place. I've also got an apology to issue. An apology to issue? Yeah. Oh, what have you done?

So, well. You pissed in the taxi again? No, not this time you pissed in your shoes do you remember when I pissed on my shoes after the Spice Girls yes yes yes we all remember

we all remember when you pissed on your shoes after the Spice Girls good times no so we were very drunk to the point where actually

the man the waiter at the restaurant when we asked for a second bottle of wine at three o'clock in the afternoon said are you sure? Which I thought was a little bit rude, but honestly, he did, you know. I mean, it sounds to me like it was warranted, but carry on.

He said, are you sure? So I was like, yes, we are sure. Anyway, very drunk. We went to the last bar and we sat in the corner and we had a cry because sometimes it's good. Like me and my friends are criers. And we had a lovely little cry. And it was quite a big cry, actually. It was quite a... Anyway.

I can't remember exactly what it was about. I think it was about talking about kids and all that kind of shit. Anyway. Somebody, a lady came over and asked for a picture with us while I was crying. Yeah. And I said no. Right. And I felt awful for saying no.

But at the same time, I was like, I'm literally crying. Yeah. It wasn't a little cry. It was a pretty big cry okay um and i think she looked really embarrassed and i felt terrible right and i couldn't find her before i left to say sorry yeah i didn't mean to be a dick so i'm i want to she might listen to the podcast probably not anymore we're probably lost we're probably lost okay well fair enough if you are listening to this and you know the girl who asked for a picture when I was crying on Saturday night in Newcastle, pleased to meet you. It was in pleased to meet you.

Right. She probably wasn't pleased to meet me. But you weren't pleased to meet her. You were crying your eyes out and you told her, fuck off.

I didn't say fuck off. I just, I literally said, no, like. So big for your boots. Oh, fuck off. So big. Oh, they said it again.

There you go. No. Anyway, I felt terrible. I did feel bad. So, if you're listening, I'm sorry. Right. Okay. There we go. And then that's off my chest. And, I felt terrible. I did feel bad. So, if you're listening, I'm sorry. Right, okay.

And then that's off my chest. And now I can sleep again. Brilliant. Me and me friends had a great day out and a lovely little cry. We had a lovely little cry. Your nights out are different to mine. They are, yeah. Can you imagine if I came in crying? Can you imagine if I went out and I got out of the taxi

I came back in the house and you went I had a good day and I went yeah just make a call and just call the post

Rosie had a lovely cry what the fuck's going on what's the matter with you I know it's just too drunk and emotional and pressures of life and all that kind of shit

okay well you listen you have a lovely little cry whenever you want. Good. I'm going to try it at some point. Yeah, good for you.

Good for you. It's time for Questions from the Public. Questions from the Public. Public. Public. Public. Public.

Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Public. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch,

it is shaggedmarinoid at gmail.com. Keep on sending in that good, good shit. Hi keep on sending in that good good shit hi Chris in brackets bike guy hello

yes you haven't been on your bike for a while well I went on the peloton the other day because obviously I've been a little bit ill over the Christmas

you know brave boy hashtag brave boy hashtag bike guy oh I might change my no I can live with bike guy I can't live with brave boy I might change my hashtag I might add to my hashtags

on peloton I might add brave boy hashtag brave boy because i had a little head cold but i'm brave boy um yeah i've been on the peloton but haven't you know what i don't like going out in the cold i don't like going out and doing anything no it's not enjoyable big shout out to pete i was driving through newcastle the other day and there was a bloke running across the red youth bridge right in the windy as fuck oh the wind was unbelievable i mean it was the day i went i went the trampoline park that day i was on my way to the trampoline park and it was fucking freezing inside the trampoline park you could see the air coming out of your mouth this man was running

across the bridge in shorts and t-shirt in the most horizontal lashing down fucking rain and i just thought your chest will be on fire you're fucking freezing i don't think it's good for you you know no people are like getting healthy i'm like you're probably not I don't think it's good for you you know no people are like I'm getting healthy I'm like you're probably not he was honestly it looked like he was running through fucking Jumanji

it was the maddest I don't think it's good for you yeah so I don't like going out on the cold so I haven't been a bike guy for a while a Peloton guy I'm not a bike guy for a while I'll be back

when the weather gets nice I'll go out again it's just not fun alright anyway listen thanks for asking I only just got introduced to the podcast

a month ago and managed to binge my way through every episode you fucking this fucker they will use that button on netflix yeah and i just recently got to the facebook marketplace story yes well i have a story of the horror of why i refuse to use it ever again. Yes. Wonderful. Love a Facebook market story place. Brilliant. Facebook market story place. Yeah, yeah. Yeah. August 2020. The weird time frame where some of us were free and some of us weren't. Oh, fuck me. I was building a bar in the

garden. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This gun has got so much time on the hands. 150 episodes. I was right. 150 of the podcast in one month building a bar in my garden oh Christ then again I think we were the only people in Britain

who didn't build a bar in my fucking garden during that time I mean you got a hot tub I didn't build it myself though did I I shouldn't have that kind of time on my hands so they were building a bar in the garden of their new house and needed some more wood. I decided to check out a Facebook marketplace to see if there was any going cheap in my area.

And to my delight, there was a guy, let's call him John, selling some less than 10 minutes away. After a few exchange messages, we agreed on a date and time to meet. I arrived at John's house and he answered the door in what I can only describe as a skimpy dressing gown where there wasn't much left to the eye.

What? You here for the wood? No. Yeah. Yeah, I'm here for the wood. Yeah? Yeah. It's under this dressing gown.

It's under my dressing gown. What, all... all... all 47 panels of it? Oh, shit, oh, the actual wood. Oh, sorry, yeah, sorry, I'll just get changed. That's in the garden, yeah. This guy, he's put weird, but whatever.

I thought as I wasn't staying for long and only picking up the wood. Yeah. Not going to work it. John showed me through the garden where the wood was and offered to lend me a hand getting the wood to my van and he's dressing girl apparently yeah yeah while walking through the house a sudden constant buzzing noise appeared

and I couldn't for the life of me work out where it was coming from it even followed us into the garden no now nah it was at this point I noticed a woman I can only imagine John's wife slash girlfriend constantly giggling in the kitchen window to the side of us and I was wondering

to myself, what the fuck is so funny? Am I the butt of the joke here or something? I wrote it off again as I wasn't going to be there long so I bent down and picked up as much wood as I can. As John bent down to pick up the remainder of the wood, the constant buzzing was finally revealed. He had a

vibrating butt plug in. Fuck, I knew it! I knew it! I... Oh my God! John proceeds to pick it up, give it a little wipe and then stuffs it in his pocket while apologising to me. Oh, John! Oh, man!

Oh, shit! Oh, sorry! Sorry! Oh, sorry! I'm sorry about that! What's he do? Is this a day? His wife must have dared him to do this. This guy's put, I am fucking mortified. I rush the wood

into my van as fast as I can, humanly possible, and get out of there. I think I'll stick to being cute next time. That's what he said. Yeah, it serves you right

for trying to buy secondhand wood off someone. Oh, God. Maybe, in John's defence, I don't know if John's got any defense apart from it might be a day john's defense right might have got really frisky right the netflix button wasn't as appealing as it had once been yeah yeah and he's just thought you know what let's do this

and then they've turned up and he hasn't been able to get it out in time sorry then when he's bent over popped out yeah but plug aside i'm not even that bothered about the butt plug really because it's so weird I almost don't have an opinion on it. Don't be organising someone to come round on Facebook marketplace to collect some wood and wear in your dressing gown. Yeah. Put some fucking joggers on. Well I mean let's not even get to the butt plug yet.

Put some fucking joggers on. That's the worst bit. The dressing gown is by the by. It's the fact he's got a butt plug up his arse when someone's coming round to pick up some wood yeah that I mean yeah that is bad yeah do you think

so some people have fetishes where it's like that fetish could have been when that guy comes round yeah

we're gonna we're gonna hear them shut the car door start with the butt plug butt plug straight in get it in yeah I'll get the door

I've just put new batteries in it yeah it's ready it's all ready to go and that's maybe that's the turn on right

I'm not you know oh she's stuck it up his arse at the door and ran off yeah but I mean I've gotten ran off fucking hell

I'm not a you know I haven't really bums aren't really my thing I don't know Chris Ramsey hey bums aren't really my thing get that on a t-shirt bums aren't really my thing and i but i don't know if i'd be able to

hold a conversation with you if i had a vibrating butt plug up my arse i feel like i feel like i'd be on one word answers do you know what i mean speaking of that just go i'm just going to quickly go to something else this is really short right and Right. And it's along the butt plug vein. Right. What do you think of this? Hi, Rosie and Chris. Firstly, me and my partner saw you at Manchester last night and bloody loved it.

Added bonus, yesterday was the first time I got up to date on the podcast, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. My partner has recently become victim to Love Honey's marketing emails. Right. You know Love Honey? They sell sex toys. They have quite graphic adverts on at night in between Family Guy, if I remember right. Do they? Yeah. Honey's Marketing emails. You know Love Honey? They sell sex toys. They have quite graphic adverts on at night in between Family Guy,

if I remember right, and one in hotels. Yeah, after the watershed. There's a lot of shagging going on. Yeah. New toys seem to be delivered regularly. Right. So he's really,

he's getting the emails and he's like, oh, look at that. I'll have that. Right. Last night, he asked me if I would wear the love egg to your show.

Sorry. It has been one that I can get on board with and have worn it to a few random events we've been to. I don't like this. Everything went smoothly, apart from me almost dying of a heart attack when I saw the metal detectors

and my brain thought of a thousand excuses for when they found the remote. But luckily, I got through with no questions. Just thought I would write in, as I know how disgusted you would be about this happening. So, this lass had a love egg in at Manchester for our show.

I feel dirty. Do you? I mean, I couldn't give a shit, but... I'm upset. I'm upset. It's funny, isn't it?

No, it's not funny. Perverts. Could you not think of sexier places to go, though? The Manchester Arena. The Manchester Arena with a love egging. I wish it got caught at the... Just a love egg in I wish it got caught

at the just a love machine I wish so much that it got caught at the metal detectors I love that the blokes what's this

what does these buttons do love I've never had one in but I don't like wearing a tampon so I can't imagine I'd like a love egg yeah I think I'd find it

really intrusive have you ever done one of them farts where like it bubbles and the bubble like stays in between your arse a fanny fart well I haven't no you've ever done one of them farts where it bubbles and the bubble stays in between your A fanny fart? No I've never done a fanny fart I'm not about to talk about that Mrs Nutcase

If you've ever done one of them farts where it bubbles and it's like a little bubble holds in between your Well yeah it goes up to your vagina It doesn't go up to my vagina Listen Why haven't you got a vagina I don't know why are you surprised

that I don't have a vagina and that I can't relate to your vagina based fart anecdotes listen but sometimes you've got to go is there something there and then sometimes you'll put your hand and you'll just move your arse

and you'll go just a little bubble of pump just a little bubble of pump so is that similar does it feel like worse than that does it just feel like something's about there no it's a full little bubble of pump so is that similar does it feel like worse than that does it just feel like something no it's like

it's a full on egg inside your vagina I would find it really interesting I would find it like has he got the remote or whatever oh he might

I don't know he's perverts living among them imagine every time someone laughs they're pressing it oh I didn't like this at all I think I might have to

try it though before I can fully slag it off but personally cinema night spider man I did want to go it though before I can fully slag it off. Cinnamoroll the night? Spider-Man? I did want to go to the cinema.

No, no chance. If you're not feeling perfect, things like that. I don't get my love eggs in. I'll get a cinema pass and go in the morning. Hello, Rosie and Chris. I'm forever thinking I should email you with this story and I never do because I'm a lazy cow. Cool. Love that. But when me and my best friend came to see you in leeds um i told her the story and she

felt it was worthy okay worthy is a great word let's do it back in the day on a friday me and my boyfriend but it's now husband that's nice used to go to his mum and dad's for tea we got talking about pets they had had when, they had had, sorry, when they were younger. Yep. Talk turned to the lovely rabbits they'd had and how when one had passed away

and the one left behind seemed sad, my mother-in-law had gotten a guinea pig to keep it company. My husband couldn't remember the guinea pig's ending. I didn't mean to laugh there,

but I just, just the idea of like, you know how your best mate has the same species as you's dad. He has a completely different species. Surprise!

And how does a rabbit look sad? I don't know how, again, you know, I don't like upsetting people but rabbits, shittest fucking,

shittest pet ever. Don't, I do love a rabbit. Shit pet. It's the only pet I'll get so you need to get on board. It's like having a Houdini living in your house

just constantly trying to escape. They hate you. Shite. Not all pets hate you. Shite. My kid had a house pet, Gus, had a house rabbit and he was lovely. Shite, shite, shite, shite, just constantly trying to escape. They hate you. Shite. Not all pets hate you. Shite. My kid had a house pet, Gus. Had a house rabbit and he was lovely. Shite, shite, shite, shite, shite, shite.

I used to cuddle him. Shite. I'm so bad. I'm trying to bite you. Never. Bollocks. He was lovely. Bollocks.

Anyway, so, my husband couldn't remember the guinea pig's ending. What happened to that guinea pig, mum? He said. The guinea pig's ending. I think he just couldn't remember how it died, which is a bit grim. Yeah, but what weird way to say the guinea pig's ending. Couldn't remember that guinea pig's ending. It's just a really weird thing to say.

That's the fucking door again. Honestly, these people do not give a shit about your little sign on that front door. I took it off. Oh, did you? Well, go and answer it then. No, just go and answer the door. I'm going to shout out the windows now. Oh my God. It's so much easier. This is a parcel for Tony again.

Right, okay. So, Chris is just shouting out the window to see who's at the door. Yo. Jesus. That one, yeah. He's after the next house. Fucking wrong address again. Jesus Christ.

People are out there. I hate you in a minute. It's the wrong address. It gives a different house. It's not this house. It's the wrong address. It's the wrong address. It's the wrong address. It's the wrong address. It's the wrong address. It's the wrong address again Jesus Christ people are out there hate you

in a minute it's the wrong address it gives a different house it's not this house oh honestly they heard that Chris Ramsey

the two bit comedian lives in this house and they've all come for a little lucky look they've heard tell if you're knocked on his door he will hang out with a second floor window

and bellow at you do you know how that comedian of the telly if you're knocked on his door he will hang out of a second floor window and bellow at you do you know that comedian off the telly if you're not on his door right does it i'll give you get a parcel for down the street not on his door he'll he'll go to the window and hollers out the window and he's why he sat there looking looking get sad with headphones on weird proper weird wrong just the wrong house just oh god anyway what happened to that guinea pig, ma'am? How weird. It was then my mother-in-law informed us that she had returned it as it was being mean to the rabbit.

Returned it? I was confused and said I'd never heard anyone return a pet before. She told us that as the animals weren't getting along, she took it back to our local pets at home wow i was chuckling asking if she had taken her receipt when she sheepishly told us that she had popped the guinea pig in. Shut up, man. That's amazing.

She just smuggled it back in the house at home. When it says here, I was hysterically laughing. I would do something like that. That's great. She then told us. She made the trip twice. She had bottled it the first time. So she went in first with a guinea pig in her pocket and then fucked up.

She couldn't do it. Wow. So then she had to go back wow she begged us not to tell my sister-in-law so I won't reveal any real names

wow that's amazing but like imagine if you work there yeah and you're like right I'll just check all the pigs are here

right one two three four five six are you going to check on the guinea pigs as well or just the pigs well the guinea I doubt they call them the guinea pigs I doubt they call them the guinea pigs.

Do the full name them. I doubt they call them pigs, because they're not fucking pigs. Do the full name them. Wouldn't they just say the pigs? I just... I don't know. I just... It was just...

So I checked on all the pigs, which is a weird thing to say, but they're so busy at pets at home, they've got no time to say guinea wouldn't they just say guineas because the pigs are different animal GPs but pets at home don't have pigs

they don't sell pigs but a pig is an animal isn't it yes of course it is but they're not a pet at home right okay so I'm just going to check on the pigs

the pigs I've always thought it harsh that they do call them guinea pigs but they're not pigs well exactly but what I'm saying is there'd be more there'd be like one

more yeah you'd be freaking out but taking it back is yeah taking it back is such a weird thing to do you couldn't just

sort of take it back and go I'd like to return this guinea pig because it's a bit of an arsehole yeah but smuggling it

back in is genius that's really clever because they get to go home there's nothing you can do they're not going to go I've got one extra bin

I think my mum and dad took that hamster back yeah that was the the the pregnant hamster that started eating all his babies

oh the horrific hamster yeah the nightmare hamster that you got from all all of my nightmares because they were like didn't buy the doof hamster

mister I wanted one not 15 exactly 14 but isn't that 13 it's still eating them can you take it 12 it keeps eating them Buying up the doof hamster, mister. I wanted one, not 15. Exactly. 14. But isn't that... 13. It's still eating them.

Can you take it? 12. It keeps eating them. Oh. But simpler times, though. You can get away with it. You couldn't get away with that now. Take the guinea pig back.

No. CCTV. People, someone would... You'd be on Facebook. You'd be on Facebook. Someone would put it on the internet. Yeah. Back in the day.

Fantastic hat like. Fantastic. Babadoo, babadoo, bab. Back in the day. Fantastic, that like. Fantastic. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Hi Rosie and Chris. I've just listened to the episode when Rosie can't bring herself to suck out Rafe's snot. Yes. Still can't do it. Pick it. I'll pick it all day long. Could never suck it out his nose but anyway. Broke bad something

that I've been hiding for some time now. Please keep me anonymous. In the early stages of our relationship, me and my partner had been on a date of day drinking in a very wet and rainy London. Wonderful. Sheltering in a bar, we continued to have a lovely time

and the gin was flowing. I needed the toilet and took myself to the ladies. Pulling down my jeans, I heard a plop. Oh, God. And realised that my phone had slipped out of my back pocket and straight into the pissy toilet.

That was a fucking love egg. Right, okay. No, no, no. I hate it when that's happened to me before. Yeah. Awful. Luckily in my own toilet. Right.

I frantically wrapped my hand in tissue paper to fish it out. As I looked at this... That does nothing but carry on. Yeah, absolutely nothing. That's not gonna... That's not gonna protect me. Well, it might be poking out the top, actually.

It might be poking out the top. Fair enough. But having to put your hand in toilet water with tissue on you is going to do nothing. Not going to protect them anyway. As I looked at the screen, well, it's safe to say that the screen was filled with urine. Okay, good.

Yeah, and the rest. Returning back to the table, my partner noticed my screen was looking strange and asked me what had happened. Too drunk and embarrassed to admit the truth. I mean, why? Why wouldn't you admit the truth? Dropped it in the toilet, you know. Yeah, it's not a

bad thing, you've dropped it in the toilet. We've all been there. Some people don't admit to really strange things. Yeah, yeah. It's very strange. Anyway, I decided to tell him that it must have been from the heavy rainfall outside. Oh God. To my horror, he picked up my phone,

took one look and said, I know how to fix it. Don't worry, babe. He brought the headphone port to his lips and proceeded to suck out the rain. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! It should let him do it!

Yeah. He sucked for a good ten minutes. How? In brackets, he's not the type to lose a battle. So he's probably... I'll get it. I'll get it out. Siphon it out.

Where's he spitting it? Yeah. I don't know. He's probably swallowing it. He thinks it's just rainwater. Oh, it's strange I piss from the toilet. It's a poo. It's fucking bitter.

What? And where's he read this? I heard you put it in rice. You don't fucking siphon it out. It doesn't mean bitten by a snake. You're not sucking

the venom out. Would you not blow it though first? Would that not be your first thing to do? I don't know. Sucking the rain water? What's he doing?

Like someone's stealing petrol from a tractor. Slag him off all you like. Screen fixed. Oh great. Screen fixed. Screen fixed.

Him. Straight to hospital screen fixed partner dead bad bad thought for three years he somehow got pregnant hepatitis C

no it's his screen fixed and partner feeling proud he's buzzing I just kept my mouth shut and I have done ever since oh

that is juicy oh my gosh sorry don't try that at home by the way they're sucking the water out I don't know if that even works that's absolutely mental

I don't know what model iPhone that was but crikey sucking the water out it could have been back in the day though a headphone port right yeah oh gosh horrible item wow fair play to her sucking the water out. It could have been back in the day though. A headphone port. Right, yeah.

Oh, gosh. Horrible, isn't it? Wow. Fair play to her. Well, no, not fair play to her. I don't know who's the loser in that. I mean, she's done it.

She's had his fucking life. He is the absolute loser. Yeah, but she could have told him. She just sat there for ten minutes. Ten minutes. I know. She sat in silence

for ten minutes while he sucked stranger piss out of her phone and either spat it on the floor, which is terrible, in a pub, or swallowed it. And she just sat there going,

hmm. It's not like she could sit there on her phone. She had to sit and watch him do it. She's the most evil person in the world. Do you want a drink to take away the taste? That's all right, actually. It's a hand sanitiser. For your mouth.

Do you want a toothbrush? Do you want a mint? Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. It's a hand sanitiser for your mouth. Do you want a toothbrush? Do you want a mint? Smiles and Daz, thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag My Redenoid, which is part of the Acast Creator Network.

Yes, thank you so much, guys, and please continue to send all of your stories and your input and your wonderful, wonderful things to shagmyredenoid at gmail.com. Do you know what? I haven't said it for a while.

What? Rate and subscribe as well. Oh, yeah. Get that on the go on your little podcast apps. And, yeah, please, you know. Wherever you listen to your podcast. Wherever you listen to your podcast. Please have a lovely week.

Keep all of your butt plugs firmly up your bum while you're trying to pick up wood. And don't be wearing dressing gowns when answering the door. Don't even answer the door anyone just shout out the window it's perfect just open the window and just shout

and then you can you know keep the dressing gown on or you can put some other clothes Happy New Year Happy we've done that

no off the beginning Jesus Bye Bye Bye You're invited to an immersive listening party pine. in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition

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