Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 151. Timber

Episode Date: January 21, 2022

On the podcast this week Rosie has some Rafe beef, Chris has some wood problems and the pair share the weekly grievances with each other. There's some Facebook Market place discussion and QFTP's involving sexting, mistaken identity and Christmas trees. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shagged Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey,

and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Yay! Hello. Thanks so much for coming back again. Lovely to have you here. If you are, but if you're here for the first time, hey, how's it going? You're welcome. Come on in, look at this. Hey, look at this. Look at all this stuff I've got. Come on. Hey, don't touch it though. Just look with your eyes. Lovely to have you back. Lovely to be back. Are you alright?

I'm alright. I'm a little bit nasally again, but I don't know what's going on. So just look with your eyes. Lovely to have you back. Lovely to be back. Are you all right? I'm all right. I'm a little bit nasally again, but I don't know what's going on. We're just the land of the ill because Rafe just goes out anyway and comes back poorly again. Fucking little germ sponge. I know.

Babies are a little germ sponge. And then obviously you want to cuddle them and kiss them. You're not going to stay away from your own baby, but they're like... He rubs his own snots and then puts his hand in my mouth. I'm like, cheers, man. I know.

That's great I've got some beef with Rafe but we'll talk about that later on Rafe beef got Rafe beef coming on if you can hear any slight little noises

in the background of this recording by the way guys there's a man moving a tree outside the same tree that fell down

honestly this tree it's cost us a small fortune it's fucking crazy I swear to god house insurance doesn't cover it either because it didn't damage anything. So getting it moved, you've just got to do it yourself. Or live with a tree on its side.

Do you know what, though? We haven't really discussed this. It's utter shite. Like, Mother Nature was like, oh, I'm plucking this tree out and I'm going to hide it out there. It'll not hit your house. Great. Thank you very much.

That is a direct quote from Mother Nature, by the way. But then it's like, well, who sorts that out to move it oh you do wait who pays for it i thought that was insurance i was like can you you know i have to get this all like portioned up and taken away or i can't get out my drive and they were like all right yeah yeah house insurance will cover it and then the rang is back they're like ah no it doesn't, okay, thank you. So, and then every, everyone, literally fucking everyone who sees it goes, oh, you've got plenty of wood for your fire. It's fucking pine. It's pine.

It's pine and it's covered in sap. Yeah. It lines the chimney. It lines the chimney and it causes chimney fires. It is the most unburnable fucking wood. Oh God. It might as well be polystyrene. And then what would happen is you'd ring the house insurance and you'd say,

we've had a fire and they'd say how did it happen you'd go we used the wrong type of wood on the fire and they'd go sorry you can't claim

null and void and I'll go do you know what take my name off that thing because it's fucking a load of bollocks house insurance car insurance

what a load of shite but still paid because you'll get put in prison but anyway will you get put in prison if you don't have house insurance is this an audition for an insurance advert

that you're doing because this is cracking this I don't know but still paid because the fast voice at the end still pays because you get put in prison if you don't have house insurance is this an audition for an insurance advert that you're doing because this is cracking this I don't know but still play because the fast voice at the end still plays because you're putting

more money in your PR price the hashtag this is not an ad this is a nice ad well you saw all that shit out but house insurance and that because then

in the real world right everyone's like yes I've got house insurance I've got this don't claim on it because then it'll get expensive what's the point what is the point of having it because we it'll get expensive. What's the point?

What is the point of having it? Because we live in a world where no one uses it because it goes up and I feel like we're all getting swindled and I fucking hate the government. But that's another thing. God, look, calm down. Let me tell you. What day is it? It's Tuesday.

It's Tuesday as we record. Let me just tell you quickly now how genuinely aroused I was when the guys chopped the tree down and finished it off yesterday. It was one of the coolest things I've ever seen. Was it worth the money then? No, absolutely not worth the money. It's ridiculous. It's extortionate.

But it's got to be done. They've got you over a barrel. They've got you over a tree stump, really. Clearly. And now we're having to get the bloody thing, the whole thing done. Yeah, yeah. The whole garden done.

Because it looks like a war zone. It looks like a bomb dropped. Anyway, cut it down and literally like they angled the stuff and it's like put a sign and they're like tethered it another bit of tree and he like cut it because it was obviously half hanging onto the floor and half not and he cut it and it just like you know what you're expecting like timber it literally like lay it like it gently caressed down on the floor in the same kind of vein that i would put rafe into his cot like just like ha and i was like that is fucking amazing and they cut another bit and like the earth moved back and the little stump stood back up and i was like that's fucking cool

and then because i'm an idiot what i did was i was taking the bins out right and i walked past the stump and i didn't realize um i thought there was a bloke standing there right i didn't realize what they'd done because something about keeping it safe or whatever so you can't i don't know something about making sure people know there's a stump there or whatever they put a high-vis jacket just on the stump and i thought it was a person and i walked past from the bin i went i'm just take the bins out to the stump to the tree yeah and i was like this is what you've become as this i've lost my mind so much i'm talking you're talking the tree yeah and I was like this is what you've become I've lost my mind so much I'm talking you're talking to the tree I was like

just take the bins out mate a nice little plus side of the tree falling down though is that our neighbours have never seen the sunset out of one side of the house well they've never seen the sunset from the house

sunrise she's never seen the sunrise on the morning never seen the sunrise and now the tree's gone she can see the sunrise so that's a lovely thing that's a plus point

in our kitchen in the morning like a vampire when the sun hits her she's like i keep thinking i've turned the light on i don't it's a natural light and i'm like that's love that's class so there you go um definitely worth the thousands and thousands of pounds i could have bought her a fucking lamp uh you quickly you mentioned they're very very slightly this is totally totally off topic this is still the introduction but you know what we're all we're on this game yeah yeah yeah we run this podcast never say that again okay um so you mentioned really briefly this has got absolutely nothing to do with the tree but you mentioned i don't hear it then

put the intro on if it's not about trees i don't want to know no you said yeah you said that the tree coming down was like when you put reef into his cot ever so gently. You didn't mention the tree coming back up though and screaming and wanting to be picked up out of his cot. Yeah, well that was the stump coming back up

and just put a high vest jacket on him. Yeah, because that's my life at the minute. My life is putting Rafe in his cot. He's asleep. He is fully asleep.

Yeah. Putting him down for a split second and then he rolls onto his side. Sits up. And he puts his arms back up and you go,

huh. He literally goes, you've put us down? Well, because you were asleep. Yeah, well, not now,

you've put us down. You've put us down, that's why you're fucking awake. Fuck you think this is? Pick me up now or I'm going to go absolutely ballistic. I'm going to scream.

I'll scream. Mom, look at me, I will scream. It is really annoying when he falls, it's like he does that roll onto the side

and hoists himself up and looks up at you and goes, nah. Yeah, listen, dad, I wasn't asleep enough, right? and it's like he does that roll onto the side and hoists himself up and looks up at you and goes nah nah yeah listen dad I wasn't asleep enough yeah right

I wasn't asleep enough so pick us up now or there's gonna be fucking hell on dad you and me know we're gonna do this ten more times right

we're gonna do it ten more times and then I will go to sleep but listen ten more times that's what it is oh god it's exhausting

anyway that's currently our life at the minute it's all good and more about our life after we've done the sponsor and the intro guys thank you for coming thank you for coming back as always it is episode 151 and it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor is yeah wearing slippers without socks oh hey hey make your feet stink want a half a life of your slippers

get them bad boys on round the house with no socks on ooh maybe go and take the bins out with them ooh walk around in them

ooh sweating ooh smells like someone's pooped in them yeah well yours do mine don't

yeah they do you've got to wear socks with them I always wear socks there's never a day that goes by that I don't have a pair of socks

on my feet show off honestly alright moneybags look at this I always wear socks. There's never a day that goes by that I don't have a pair of socks on my feet. Show off. No, honestly. Oi, money bags! Look at this! Someone's day in our reach! Are you barefoot shaming our listeners?

Because that is not on that. No, I love socks. I had two pairs on yesterday. I love socks. Couldn't get warm. Two pairs of socks? I've actually, I've bought... I've got you restricted. I can't sleep in socks.

It's not something I can do it really upsets us oh I love tucking me jammies in me socks beautiful you know how sexy it is in our bedtime guys

she's got two pairs of socks on the jammies I tuck in baby number three imminent absolutely not absolutely not can I keep me hands off her?

Guys, you know what turns me on? Layers. Layers tucked into other layers. Oh, God. Come on. Listen, you love my neck. You love the top of my neck behind my ears.

In between your high-collared pajamas and your sleeping hat. I'd fucking love a sleeping hat. You would as well. I would. All right, get the jingle on. Let's crack on. Okay, let's crack on.

Time is money. Come on. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle. Jingle. So this is the jingle. jingle, we couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle, so this is the jingle, jingle, we hope you like the jingle, jingle, babadoo babadoo babadoo bap, jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed. Good to have you

back, as always. And as I've been listening to loads of podcasts lately. Eh? I have. What, how? What hours? You mean back to ones of hours? No, no, no. Other ones.

There's no other podcasts. Really depressing ones, Chris. There's no other podcasts. No, but I just think when you're listening to a podcast, you kind of want to know that the people know

that you're listening. So I just want everyone now who's listening to know that we know that you're listening. What the fuck? Just because sometimes I listen to a podcast and I'm like

they don't even know I'm here but is that weird see it's a little bit strange it's a little bit strange the same as when you're reading a book the author doesn't know you're reading the book

yeah I suppose I just wanted everyone to know if you're out on a walk are you having a run are you doing the dishes or whatever you're doing we talk to them quite often we talk directly to

the listener and you know we love you and we thank you so much for listening and stuff but yeah like that's a really straight you sit listening

is that because you listen to murder podcasts and weird shit and you think they don't know I'm listening yeah they're not even bothered they never say hello

welcome back right yeah welcome back straight in with the the murder hour yeah it doesn't really go that murder hour yeah it doesn't really go that's the thing it doesn't really go

with that brand of podcast fair enough alright well look at me I'm not being funny that's literally like that's like a newsreader going welcome back to the news

so nice to have you thanks for watching like just tell us the news and fuck off you haven't watched the news I've watched the news for years fucking great yeah I know

great absolutely great listen speaking of news what fish update coming right at you I've watched the news for years. Fucking great. Yeah, I know. Great. Absolutely great. Listen, speaking of news. What? Fish update. Coming right at you with a fish update. Yeah.

This guy, talking to you now, dear listener, talking right in your ear, the voice that you are hearing now is the voice of a tropical fish tank professional. Yeah. I took me water sample in to the pet shop. They tested it, and the exact words she used were that water bit fishy no it wasn't she said that water yeah is spot on oh you're

the love did you live where you live i was buzzing i had to honestly i took that pod pack straight off her she might have thought i was snatching. I was just having an erection. I was so proud of myself. I skipped back to the car. I couldn't believe me luck. You are such a sad woman. Spot on water. So I'm going tonight to get some more fish. I'm going tonight to get a couple more fishies for the tank.

Buzzing. I was buzzing. I hate that things like that get you absolutely... Oh, God. What? Just the fact that you even did that did what

who does that who gets a water sample of the fish anyone who wants new fish no people don't do it people just go and buy the fish

no you've got to take the water pets at home big shout out you've got to go and you've got to take the water sample so that they know

that you're a healthy environment for the fish so you're not just like you know bringing fish home by the fucking dozen and just dropping them into a dirty tank and they're just dying're not just like you know bringing fish home buy the fucking dozen and just drop them into a dirty tank

and they're just dying straight away god forbid you nip to the blooming Tesco around the corner and buy a salmon well I'm not going to put a fucking

or a cod oh did you test the water of this before you hide it in your gob did you that doesn't make anything that's food and pets you get mixed up with

yeah right listen buy little fish downstairs bubbles and candy right they're going to get some new friends tonight and that's just because pets you get mixed up with yeah right listen buy little fish downstairs bubbles and candy right they're gonna get some new friends tonight and that's just because I've created such a lovely environment

for them to live in have I whinged about it yes yes multiple times extensively yes am I absolutely sick of them

yes would my life be easier if the pair of them just fucking died yes 100% but that doesn't it's gonna happen soon because I've made such a good

so I'm gonna buy some more to basically exasperate the problem how many more? As many as the letters. So there's a point system with the tags, Rosie. I'm a fish guy, Rosie, so what non-fish people like you or dryies

as we call you. What are you, a weddy? I'm a weddy. Right, I'm a dryie. We'll have talked about this. I'm a dryer as the days a bone dryer. We'll have talked about this. Land lovers. I'm a dryer as the days go on. It's me. It'll be all the layers.

Basically, each tank's got a point system. Right. And each fish has got some points. So you're allowed sort of as many points for how many to fill up. Snails, zero points. Prawns, little things, little crustaceans, zero points. You have as many snails as you want in there. I've currently got five.

Do you want other names? You haven't named them. Yeah. Right. Gary, Gary, Gary, Gary and Gary. Why? Like SpongeBob. SpongeBob.

So there you go. Jesus. How, on a scale of one to ten, how turned on are you now? I'm like minus twelve. Wow, okay, wow. Like, honestly. What if I took what if I took

my socks would that would that get you going a bit more probably great just do the fire later on and then

that'll turn us on a little bit what turn the fire on oh yeah I've got loads of wood put the fire on I've got loads of wood can't burn it

it's useless I've got a couple of things to tell you excellent people have been sending us stuff now usually whenever I'm doing

the questions from the public it's very much sort of stories and questions but people have sent some us stuff now usually whenever I'm doing the questions from the public it's very much sort of stories and questions but people have sent some things and I ended up diving in a little bit deeper

and actually looking at them I thought you might find them interesting always let's go hopefully you'll find them interesting listeners as well okay

so the first one I've got to tell you is you might have heard about this because I know that sometimes you're on the internet and blah blah

yeah is this a is this a radio is this a local radio segment? I feel like it might be. Are we doing a

segment? Yes, but... Oh, my God. Is that bad? I'm so excited. There's a segment? Come on. It's just

interesting stuff. I found this online. A few people sent this. You know, you might want to go inside

that. Did you hear about the lass who's a TikToker, right? And she caught her boyfriend cheating on her.

But you know how she caught him cheating? Oh. The boyfriend sent a photo to the girlfriend right of a bed he was away at work and he sent a picture of the bed right right and saying like i wish you were here i miss you so much right right it was a live photo so the girl clicked on it the photo, and then in the corner of the screen, another woman pops up, jumping onto the bed. What? Mm-hmm.

That's spooky. Weirdly spooky. It is weirdly spooky, but at the same time, it's like, whoa! Is he a fucking idiot? Does he not know how to use phones? Well, I don't know,

because would you think about that? Would you think, oh, this is a live photo? Like, I can understand how you would do that, but you got caught out. So he was like, literally send a photo wow what a snake i know i'll take a photo miss you so much we're and the other lass is like but quickly take the photo when i want to dive in it and get rattled i am she took that pants into her socks she was all ready for it get rattled that's what people who cheat on people say i know they know, don't talk like that. Christopher doesn't suit you. Rattled, smashed pasties. Oh, a little bit of beard hair just fell off

in my mouth. Listen, anybody who wants to have an affair with Chris, just remember all of these things. Shout out to gmail.com if you want to have an affair with Chris. Fish guy. Send a photo of you holding today's paper, right? Today's paper. today's paper why

so I know that's exactly what you looked like then don't send really old ones right okay do you want to hear another thing totally joking that's quite interesting

isn't it yeah it's really interesting so it was a live phone and you pressed Anthony Dovan that's amazing right wow so check your photos

now I think everyone's going to be going back in their phones and checking photos that have been sent if it's live well I mean that's a that's an isolated incident

though isn't it like the girl that's cheating on you just runs and Well, I mean, that's an isolated incident though, isn't it? The girl that's cheating on you just runs and dives on. Yeah. So there's a moment where he went, hold on two seconds, I'm just going to send a photo of this and just send some bullshit to the girlfriend. You get out of frame. And then he's just, oh, man.

I know, not nice. Nah, not nice at all. Next one. Okay, so somebody sent me this. You know how Facebook marketplace, we've been talking about it quite a lot right in Manchester some lady right called Karen great and she's put on she's put on a Facebook marketplace hi my name is Karen I upcycled dead squirrels sorry sorry I I heard was upcycled dead squirrels.

Upcycled dead squirrels, right. Perfect holders for pens, cutlery, etc. My husband uses the heads for golf, so nothing gets wasted. Sorry. There's pictures, Chris. Do you want to see a picture? How is he using a head for golf?

Because she cuts the head off. So look, do you want to see? Yeah. No. I'm going to explain it to you. So the little squirrel's dead, right? She sits the squirrel up. She puts inside the body,

she puts like a plastic tube so that the squirrel's sat up but hasn't got a head. She adds little glittery little things around its head and its paws. Fuck off. So it puts its paws together. Do you want to see?

Yeah. Shut the fuck up. No. £10 each it says there. Well, right, okay no £10 each it says there well right okay £10 each or two for £35 that's not good is it that doesn't make sense

that doesn't make sense at all no two £10 each or two for £35 that's the worst that's worse maths than I do can I just yeah

can I just have can I buy one and can I buy another one because I'm saving £15 if I do that no that'll be £35 but it's's two, but they're £10. No, that's the deal. Three, three separately would be 30, but she's doing two.

I mean, that is fucking the stuff of nightmares. It's harrowing, isn't it? That is the stuff of nightmares. And what's he using for golf? The heads. What? Right, right. This is the third time I've asked you.

What's he using the heads for? Don't say golf. It's golf balls. He can't be using... Nothing gets wasted. What kind of golfer uses... What have you got? You got a tight list?

You got a Wilson? What have you got? Oh, I've got a squirrel's head. You might have to knock a couple more on me handicap because if the wind catches one of the eye sockets it'll hook this has got to be a wind up so imagine you went golfing with someone

and they pulled out squirrel heads there is no fucking way this is real I'm looking at it now there is no way on this earth that this is real it is, it's there look at it now. There is no way on this earth that this is real. It is. It's there. Look at the fucking... It's in Manchester. So the guys,

the squirrels are basically hollowed out. Yeah. You know what the worst bit is? It's the crossing of the arms. Yeah. The little squirrels' arms are crossed.

Sat in assembly. They look like they're getting their photo taken at a wedding. They look like blokes getting their photo taken at a wedding but they've got no head

and there's just a gape and a hole. Pass us a pen. Where's your pens in this their photo taken at a wedding, but they've got no head. And there's just a gape and a hole. Pass us a pen. Where's your pens in this drawer? No, they're in... Can you see that decapitated squirrel over there? That's where I keep my pens. Because I'm a serial killer. Where's your pen? Cutlery?

Cutlery! That'll put you off. That'll put you off your fish and chips. Just grab us a steak knife out of the squirrel's... Carcass. Carcass. Fuck me.

Oh, God, I hate everyone. I hate everyone and I love everyone at the same time. I kind of think that's real. I think it's kind of important. How is he... Again, my husband uses the heads for golf.

So nothing gets wasted. But that's not... Listen, I'm personally quite glad there's not just loads of squirrel heads around. What do you mean nothing gets wasted? She's found them dead. What do you mean? What does she mean nothing gets wasted? It's already dead.

I want to know how these have died though because they look quite intact. Very muscly. No, not muscly. There's a fucking jar inside them. Oh, yeah. No, I meant their arms. But then the good acclimatization, that squirrels. So they are quite muscly.

Not my mums. Fuck me. So I've got something to tell you, actually. Okay. I took our son swimming the other day. We've got a swim pool near where we live. The waves in it are unbelievable. I hadn't been in a wave pool

for years but there's one near us and the waves are phenomenal harrowing traumatic is probably the word I would use for how high the waves get

do you remember the waves at the leisure centre in Shields where there used to be do you remember there was a corner of the swimming pool near the shallow end

and everybody there'd be about 40 kids in this one little corner just getting absolutely battered so me and Robin have found a similar corner in this other place but i'm talking 12 foot waves here i'm talking they are fucking huge yeah you can jump into it like it can go right over your head you can go underneath it right like it's it's the batter you they're incredible you're knackered by the end of it right i'm glad well i'm glad i didn't take rave i was going to come with rave i told you not to take him.

I said, when the waves run, you're going to have to go and sit in the shallow end because they are fucking mad, right? So Robin just puts his goggles on, and he's just, and he's in them, and I, like, grab him. Like, he goes right under, and I pick him up, and he goes, get off, I'm fine. And I'm like, okay, but, you know, you can't tell

because he's not facing us. Yeah. We're coming out of the waves, and we're walking across the pool, and some bloke sort of stopped us in there, and he went, hey, he went, that is a brave little boy you've got there. Because obviously Robin's just not afraid of anything straight in the waves.

And I went, oh yeah, he's got no fear. Like we're walking in the shallow end. And I said to Robin, I said, did you hear what that man said about you? And he went, about me? I went, yeah, yeah. He just said that that's a really brave little boy because we're in the waves. And Robin went, oh, I thought he was just talking about your podcast. No, he didn't.

Little tosser. Oh, Jesus. It's like, here's a bill for that, you little shit. Wouldn't be here if it wasn't for the podcast. Did he not call it our podcast? Like, he feels that he's part of the podcast. Do you know he wants to come on stage? Yeah, so that was particularly hurtful.

Oh, yeah. When we were in the car the other day and he said next time you do the so he means the live shows he said next time you do the podcast can I come and do the podcast

and he means the live shows yeah he even promised he would put on smart clothes because I'm really having a battle with him at the minute he just wears shorts constantly

he just wears shorts and he just wants to wear everything that's Sonic or Blum and what else Mario your man bought him

some extremely stylish black and green Xbox joggers. So he always wants to wear his Xbox joggers. Wearing a PlayStation 5 house, which upsets us. But yeah. But he promised he would dress smart. He actually said, Mommy, I'll dress smart if I can come on the stage.

And then what did I say? You said, which is really upsetting. You said that we're not doing the podcast live for a while again. We haven't got anything booked in. But Daddy's doing his stand-up tour soon, so you can go on the stage with Daddy. And he said he didn't want to. Yeah, he said no thanks.

He said no. I want to know the podcast, not Daddy's show. I want to do the podcast. That was great, but honestly, that was... I feel like the audience are the same, to be fair. I feel like they're like, we'll go and see him do stand-up, but we'll wish it was the podcast.

Well, can we use one of your shows up here and just pretend it's one of our shows and he can come on for a bit? He's adamant-like. It's very hurtful. Very, very hurtful. Did you hear... It was up there with when he started saying me fart stink.

Oh, yeah. Did I tell you... Did you hear the joke he did, though? I said, what are you going gonna do when you go on stage you said I tell a joke I went go on then did you remember it something about cows

oh that shit it was shit it was like wow guys you can't come on that you can't come on stage with that like it was something

why did the cow why did the cow cross the road see his no no why did the car why did the car why did the car

break into why did the cow break into, why did the, why did the cow break into the car or something? It was to give it some milk. And I went, oh, I thought you were going to say it because he was a criminal.

And he went, no. I went, that's actually it. Off the top of my head, with the subject matter you provided me with, that's actually not a bad joke, Robin.

Yours was utter fucking gobbledygook. Yeah, they'll not laugh. Yeah. They'll not laugh. Jesus. But I am on tour, by the way.

February, it starts again February March April so yeah tickets on sale most of them are sold out but there's the odd few yeah on my website

so if you want a bit of that I'm looking forward to your breakdown you're looking forward to your breakdown while I'm away can't wait good yeah

but you've promised not to phone us whinging so that's good you can't phone us whinging I can't promise I can't promise you have to I can't answer the phone

if you're going to whinge I can't answer the phone if you're going to whinge there's nothing I can do I can't phone as whinging. I can't promise. I can't promise. You have to. I can't answer the phone. Chris, I can't. I can't answer the phone if you're going to whinge. I can't answer the phone if you're going to whinge. There's nothing I can do. I can't not whinge, though. When I'm at the other end of the country and you're like, I'm tired.

I'm like, why don't you conserve your energy and not fucking whinge to me on the phone? Two kids. Aye. Oh, God. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

It's time for Watch Your Bees. Hello, Chris. Hello, Chris. I never know who's going to turn up. Oh, hello, pet. It's just me, Belinda. Hiya. Hiya, eh. I'm just here dead quickly, basically, Chris. Hello, Chris. I never know who's going to turn up. Oh, hello, pet. It's just me, Belinda. Hiya.

Hiya. I'm just here dead quickly. Basically, Rosie's mum has missed us. Right. And she made a little hint the other day that I think Sandra thinks the podcast's shit without the beefs. Right. So she loves to just make a comment of, you haven't done them for a while.

Right, okay okay and you know and where are they so I'm here for Sandra great and grateful little cunt that she is she also made a comment

that I swear that Rosie swears too much sorry Rosie swears too much what a fucking dick and seeing as this isn't Rosie, she can fuck off.

So just to peel back the curtain here and break them forth all completely and really, really sort of dissect what's happening here. Your character of Belinda has turned up at the request, at the sort of passive-aggressive, under-the-breath request of Sandra

to just appease her and slag her off. Yes, I. Right, okay. All in one. Anyway, you alright? I'm fine, yeah. Good, nice to hear from you. Missed you, actually. Missed you. Missed you a lot. Been a bit of a night.

I bet I can. Okay, okay. That's good I read right I happy I happy fucking time such a weird

okay bye bye such a weird podcast yeah that was a phone hanging up yeah so

my mum made a comment that the beef's on on regular enough I was like mum I think you're the only

one who enjoys no they were good on the tour they did make an appearance on the tour they did

that was good I told you didn't I went through the drive-thru at McDonald's and a lovely guy came out

every time you mention McDonald's I just want a McDonald's no problem I went through the drive-thru and a lovely

lad Simon Simon McDonald's said he'd been at the show when was this a couple of

weeks ago where was that I went for McDonald's breakfast I was dropping to the show. When was this? A couple of weeks ago. Where was that? I went for a McDonald's breakfast. I was dropping, what did I do? I was dropping Rafe off at my mum and dad's. You love a McDonald's without me. Because you don't like a breakfast.

I've got to wait, to go to McDonald's with you to get a breakfast, I've got to go 10 fucking 59, I've got to order me sausage and egg McMuffin, and then I've got to wait a minute, and then I've got to order your Big Mac at 11 in the morning. Like a fucking animal. Who's eating your Big Mac at 11 in the morning like a fucking animal who's eating who's eating burger

and chips at 11 in the morning get in the bin this bitch get in the bin he couldn't get his the lad bless him couldn't get his head round how the beefs were

on the tour what do you mean people saw the tour you know the beef came on the big screen and we interacted with them couldn't get his head round really

I couldn't explain it to him quick enough there was a queue of cars behind us right but he couldn't get his head around really i i couldn't explain it quick enough there was a queue of cars behind us right but yeah he couldn't get it he was like she was on stage in the war there and i was like man it's was he was he fully dressed he was bless him he couldn't get his nut right was he on the tills next time mate if i come in right as you spot us i'll sit you down and i'll probably explain you how we did it but it well you know can i come in dressed as one of the people'll sit you down and I'll probably explain you how we did it but you know can I come in dressed as one of the beef I think he'd die

it wasn't we're not Darren Brown it was a simple video and a script you know but yeah thanks for the yeah

thanks for coming mate love you what's your beef my beef with you is can't be can't be very you can't have many left no I do

I do and something it's something that you do which you know you asked earlier on if you're going to be like our mams you are

and there's already little things you do that are like an old annoying old woman thing brilliant and one of them is they'll love that

they'll love that you call them annoying old women yeah no both of them are especially Sandra I know you're listening my mum doesn't so right yeah I am does me tits in especially Sandra, I know you're listening, my mum doesn't. So, right, I

does me tits in. If you're sitting on your phone or you're sitting on your laptop and you're getting something off Amazon, you will turn to me and you'll go, Chris, I'm just on Amazon. Do you want anything? Like it's a shop you've gone to? Like you've gone, like I'm

popping to the supermarket do you want anything that makes sense amazon is there on the phone constantly it's just there but will they not put them all in the same box very fucking rarely i've got like sd cards in boxes from amazon that you would get a fucking fridge in like it's actually insane sometimes the way they operate but you ask us like it's a shop you're at but what's wrong with that i'm on the website but it's just so weird like i can't just open my phone and quickly get whatever i want off amazon you're like i'm i'm here i've made the trek i've made the trek through the through the elements to amazon and i'm at the amazon is there anything you need while i'm at the

amazon fucking just shut up i'll get whatever I want on my phone. I'm just trying to be helpful and ask you while I'm there. It's irritating. It's just annoying. It's an annoying trait that I feel is going to get worse as you get older. You're nearly as bad as Tony ringing up Geoff and asking what's cracking. Poor Tony.

Right, well, my beef with you. You insist on driving. Yes. Right, which I find irritating with you, right? You insist on driving. Yes. Right, which I find irritating. I just like driving. Which is because of my job. I get driven around a lot at my job, and I like driving. I know, I like driving as well, though.

Right, well. But you just insist on driving. You're like, oh, man, I'll drive. It's nothing to do with gender. That's not fair. It's all to do with gender. No, that is sexist. To say that it's about gender, that I think it's about gender, is sexist to say that.

No, it isn't. But, well, men in general just insist on driving and it's infuriating. Yes, they do. No. Right, well, next time we're out in the car, let's count how many blokes are driving with a woman in the seat, right?

Well, maybe women are just lazy. No. And they like being driven around. No, it's because blokes insist on driving. You insist. You do. Not if I've had a pint. Sometimes I like you to drive so I can have a drink

hey I'll let you twice in your life I've let you drive me around for nine months straight while I've sat in the passenger seat pissed

pregnant well I was pregnant great anyway this is me beef so you insist on driving right fair enough whatever fuck you

you drive and then you get out we go somewhere and you get out the car and you take the key with you right and I'm

in the car alarm goes off yes can't move when people need to be in the spaces right yes etc etc because you've just naffed off

you've got no like you don't think things through so if I was driving I'd be like I'm going to get out here's the keys you don't think that

you're just in your own little what are you giving the keys to the passenger for because I can drive it happened at the petrol station it's happened a few times at the petrol station where you've filled up the tank

and you've got out with your key and I'm sat there and you've ended up look browsing around the shop and there's a queue petrol station's got better and better and better

I know but there's a massive queue and I'm sat here going I could move this car but you've took the keys well yeah because you insisted on driving. I know what you're referring to. You're referring to the time just before Christmas where you came,

it may have even been Christmas Eve, you came into the petrol station screaming my name like a mad woman. I was over buying a loaf of bread and you were like, all I heard was like, Chris, Chris. And I like ran to the thing and I was like, what? Like I thought the car was on fire. And you're like, you took the key. Yeah, because I was just more annoyed.

Everyone in the petrol station was staring. It was mortifying. That came from the annoyance of you insisting on driving and then fucking off with a key. You know what it is? I don't know why I even insist on driving because you are the worst fucking passenger. Because I'm a better driver than you?

You are bar none the worst passenger in the world. I'm a better driver than you. You're just... I am. Admit it. You're not a better driver. Do you want to also admit, while we're here, listen, while we're here,

do you want to admit that you like my car better than yours? I do not like your car. Well, that's why you insist on driving my car everywhere. No, I don't insist on driving it everywhere.

It's just sometimes if I'm doing something. I've been driving your car a lot recently. Where have I been going? I don't know. The tip. If I'm going to the tip,

I take the messiest shithouse of a car that isn't looked after. I can put, I could literally take manure like in going to the tip, I take the messiest shithouse of a car that isn't looked after. I could literally take manure in Back to the Future to somewhere in your car, and it wouldn't really make a difference from the interior of the car. It is disgusting.

I took a full thing of glass to the bottle bin the other day in your car because you can't smell it. You'd be able to smell it in my car because my car's immaculate but yours is absolute. Do you know there's a fucking melted Mauam in the back door compartment of your car

on Robin's side. A full melted fucking Mauam. It's disgusting. It's like lava. Horrible. I just don't trust people with clean cars. You don't trust people

with clean cars. Nah. What kind of crack is that? Just weird. It's weird. Mine's not that bad. I've seen worse cars than mine. you don't trust people with clean cars nah what kind of crack is that just weird it's weird mine's not that bad I've seen worse cars than mine

mine's like mine's lived in yours right the only worst cars I can imagine yours is ones that have been abandoned

with dead bodies in the fucking woods don't even he's painting this is because this is because his car is so so clean it's ridiculous

and my car is not that dirty but you're making it out you're trying to make me out like a slob you could clean it's ridiculous and my car is not that dirty but you're making it out you're trying to make me out like a slob you could eat off any surface in my car brilliant

you could do it on mine but you might get a bit poorly I've even got I've even got a separate compartment in the front of me bonnet where I put takeaways so that it doesn't stink

in your car or I drive them home good for you yeah good for me yeah good for me yeah good for me jealous jealous your car's not better than mine home. Good for you. Yeah, good for me. Good for me. Jealous. Jealous. Your car's not better than mine. You're invited

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It's time for questions from the public. As always, guys, if you want to get in touch, it's time for questions from the public questions from the public public public as always guys if you want to get in touch it's shaggedmoudinoid at gmail.com send it send it send it

send it send it I oh sorry I was going to say and also please keep rating and subscribing and all of that

fucking shit that podcast does say well do you know as a podcast listener sometimes I forget to subscribe when I'm listening to a show I forget to subscribe

to the show and then you stop listening show, I forget to subscribe to the show. And then you stop listening and you go back to listen and the episode's gone. Unless you subscribe to it, it won't just go back onto it. Does that make sense? It disappears.

Nope, doesn't make any sense whatsoever. Okay. As a non-podcast listener. I don't listen to any podcasts. I can't believe that, you know. I listen to a couple now and then. I just wish I had time. i just wish i had time i just wish i had time you've you you can sit and you are getting ready and you've always got a podcast

on while you're getting ready i don't i could never listen to one while i'm getting ready because while i'm getting ready all that's happening is i'm constantly being shouted at by you for taking too long to get ready in the three minutes that you've allocated for me to get ready after you've just took an hour and a half so not any time in my life where i can listen to a podcast and i don't go and weirdly i used to listen really passive aggressive this episode stop it why are you reaching across the table because i love you and i don't want you i don't want to hold your hand it's weird no go on i'm joking you make you make out like you are so needy in real life behind these scenes behind these doors you are the

neediest bloke i've ever known in my life but you come on here and you give it the biggins and you're like don't want to hold your hand people respect me you cling on me for the bullshit i don't cling on you you bloody do just absorbing your warmth i'm a very warm person i guess i'm really fucking i am oh do you know what I've done as well today what have you done I bit the side of my mouth when I was eating

fucking what a pathetic thing have I talked about before how sad it is that sometimes we will just start chewing our own fucking insides because we're idiots by accident

yeah by accident but for fuck's sake I said biting your tongue and that as well I wonder if animals do it is there anything in the animal kingdom that accidentally bites like I've never seen a lion go fuck

they're really hard though so they probably don't even know there's a video on Instagram I'm still holding hands it's weird my hand's getting clammy there was a video on Instagram where this bloke has like these tropical pigs

no what the right there was nearly I took a drink of juice there there was nearly juice

tropical pigs not tropical pigs but what the call the pigs look I don't know if that's right or not not your run of the mill pigs

I don't know if that's right or not but tropical pigs is one of the funniest things I've heard anyone say well they're not the run of the mill pigs they're not just like the pink the pink pigs they're like they've got horns and all that shit and like tropical pigs anyway I of the funniest things I've heard well they're not the run of the mill pigs they're not just like the pink the pink pigs they're like they've got horns and all that shit and like

anyway I'm sorry I'm just going to have to google tropical pigs just in case if it's a thing I'm so happy it might be you never know isn't there some pigs in the water in the Bahamas and that yeah so I've typed in tropical pigs and it's just photos of pigs

swimming and the top it says people also ask are the pigs in the Bahamas okay oh I don't know why

they're asking if they're okay oh goodness knows probably blooming oh there was a storm right so there was

a storm in the Bahamas and people asking if the pigs are okay right okay right okay I get it anyway no they're not they're not

they're not in hot country pigs. These are in, like, countryside pigs, but they just look hard as fuck, right? Sorry, so you just mean... Oh, I just want to tell you the story. No, no, no. I don't know what the pig is. So you mean...

Is it a pig? I don't know. I'm questioning everything now. So you mean it's not your run-of-the-mill, you know, pink pig that you'd get... Old MacDonald had a farm, yeah. It's not like that. Pig that you'd get in a farm. It's like a huge,of-the-mill, you know, pink pig that you'd get. All MacDonald had a farm, yeah. It's not like that. Pig that you'd get in a farm. It's like a huge, hard, rough pig.

Right. But you went with the word tropical. I don't. Did you mean wild? Probably. Right. Like a wild boar. Like what killed Robert Baratheon in Game of Thrones.

Yes. Right. Jesus Christ. Look, listen. Tropical pigs. There's a video online online and this bloke goes around or maybe a woman i'm not sure i can't remember oh my god i only saw their hands oh my god so we sorry we have just started since the beginning you went you barreled straight in with

there's a man on instagram and he's got these tropical pigs then you said i don't know if they're tropical pigs then you said they're not the ones in the bahamas then you said they're not pink then you said it might be a ball it's just not a normal pig then you said, I don't know if they're tropical pigs. Then you said they're not the ones in the Bahamas. Then you said they're not pink. Then you said it might be a bull. It's just not a normal pig. Then you said it might not be a pig. And then you've said it might not be a bloke. What are you trying to say? Because this is like talking to a five-year-old.

This animal, basically they just get bits of wood stuck in their mouth and that, and they survive, but then he's pulling pulling it out and they're just hard. So I'm just seeing animals put up with a lot more than we do. He's gouging bits of glass I don't think any animal

could put up with how painful this conversation is. I think an animal would have died halfway through this conversation because this is pain. This is real pain. Don't you talk.

Oh, Jesus. I'll find the video for you. No, I'm married. Fucking need a lie down. It was about six minutes long. All right, aye, yeah. And you managed to make it longer. You managed to make telling us about it longer.

Fucking trouble. Look at horses, though. Look at horses. If you think of horses' hooves, because they get the horseshoes on. Right. Have you ever seen when they're just scraping just scraping bits of like skin off their hooves yeah but the hoofs like but the hooves like a fingernail like they can't feel yeah it's just

crazy though isn't it but no because it's like a fingernail it's like it's not a part of the body that the horse can feel it's the hoof but still though no not still though that's like you going did you see that woman man she got all her all her hair cut off. That must have hurt. Doesn't hurt. Right. Not me. Okay. Looks big.

Fucking hell. I don't know much about animals. Okay. Was it a horse? Was it a hoof? Can you read still? Yes, I can. Read some questions.

Okay, here's a question. Jesus Christ. You're not, Rosie, you know what? You're not that stupid.'s a question Jesus Christ you're not Rosie you know what you're not that stupid you're not I don't do you know what's really annoying because on this podcast

no because people I know I know I know that people will listen to this and go yeah I know what you mean right

so I don't I don't feel stupid at all do you know what's really frustrating for me it's like you sort of you say that I'm on the podcast that I'm more needy

in real life and all that and you know the podcast is a bit of a performance, but what you see is sort of almost 100% what you get with the podcast. But sometimes me and you will have an argument, like a married argument life, about just marriage and life and stresses, and we'll start arguing.

You fucking tie me in nuts. It's like arguing with a fucking lawyer sometimes. And you recall things from ages ago, and you're just tying us in. You's like it's like arguing with a fucking lawyer sometimes and you're just like and you recall things from ages going you're just tires and nothing you're going you said that but you meant this and i'm like bang the right dumbfounded going sorry i'm wrong and then on here you kind of you fucking don't even know what a pig is like do you know how embarrassing it is when we're downstairs in the kitchen having a real married life argument and you fucking bang the right as i rest me. And I'm like, a couple of days ago, she fucking

didn't know what a horse's hoof was. And now she's just made us apologise. Yeah, because it's stuff that, you know, I'm not being funny, when you're growing up you learn how to argue. You don't learn about fucking hooves on a horse. You must have went to the fucking Hogwarts of arguing

because recently you've been tying me in knots in this house honestly. It's not, Chris, it's not that. It's because you've been absolutely wrong on most things. It's got nothing to do with me arguing skills. No, you've definitely, no, you've got like a black belt in arguing. I'm a white belt with a couple of little red stripes.

I watch a lot of Real Housewives. You do know that though, don't you? Oh, that might be it. Oh, fucking horrible. Right, how are we? Listen to this, right. Hi, Rosie and Right. Howie let's not get into this. Listen to this right. Hi Rosie and Chris. At the time of writing this it is the 16th of January. What's the date of the day? It's not far off that is it?

It's the 18th of the day as we record this. That's two days ago. My neighbour in brackets backing onto my garden still has their Christmas tree up. No fucking way. Lights on as well. Wow. Each night this month, when I've closed the bedroom curtains,

I can see the tree on fully lit up with my neighbour sitting next to it. I've reached a level of crazy where I've tried looking through the binoculars to see if she's alive, but there's no movement. My question is, should I knock on the door to check she's still alive

or am I crazy and she's just lazy and leaving the tree up? I've never spoken to her before. I don't know what i'd say if she opened the door other than do you need help taking your tree down or is it staying up until next christmas that would be so come that would be so passive aggressive what you'd have to do is you'd have to i'm sure we got something similar to this last year as well though i'm sure that somebody said something quite later on in the year later than this saying that somebody still had the tree up. And it just got me thinking,

like, is there still people now with the tree up? Well, the world's a weird place at the minute. So if you get joy from leaving your Christmas tree up, then that's absolutely fair enough. I was about to say I'm not judging you, but I am judging you.

It's weird as fuck. But, you'd have to, my point is, you couldn't knock on it. If you've never spoken to her, and you're knocking on the door and she opens the door

fine you know Santa hat on Christmas jumper offers you a mince pie check the holes playing in the background it's dumbfounded

when you don't start singing a carol yeah like you'd have to think of a backup story yeah because you can't just go oh sorry

I was just knocking to make sure you weren't dead because your Christmas tree is still up you lazy bitch do you know what I was just knocking to make sure you weren't dead because your Christmas tree is still up you lazy bitch do you know what I mean you would have to oh a ball's gone over your garden

just kick a ball over a garden kick a ball over a garden and then go knock on the door maybe it's like do you remember when we chatted about when the person just decorates

this for different times of the year maybe they're doing that well they haven't decorated they need to do something else I get really sad when the tree's up after Christmas

Rosie you know what'll help you what you know what's in the supermarket now? What? Easter eggs. Yes, yeah. People complain about Easter coming early.

That's the only thing you like coming early, isn't it? It's the only one. I kind of like you coming early sometimes, if I can't be bothered. Easter, Chris. Babies. What else do I like to come early clothes deliveries

yeah stuff like me tea yeah drink sodas they're quite good to come early should we talk about

totally nothing to do with Christmas trees should we talk about when me mam and me auntie and me uncle went out for drinks the lady at the pub

love that yeah we'll not mention the pub because it's not their fault but the lady behind the bar so me mam me auntie and my uncle were out for drinks. The lady at the pub. Love that, yeah. We'll not mention the pub because it's not their fault. But the lady behind the bar. So my mum, my auntie and my uncle went for drinks a couple of weeks ago.

It was Saturday. It was during the day because they got no jobs. They're pets. Hats off, all of them. They got grown up kids. So they went in this bar and they got to the bar

and my mum was like, oh, I'll have such and such and then she turned around to me auntie she went what do you want my auntie was like oh I'm not too sure and my auntie said

I'll have this and then she spoke to me uncle and then he was making up his mind so she said to the lady behind the bar well just be a minute and so my auntie turned to me uncle

and said what would you like and then he decided and she turned back and she went oh could we have two red wines please and the woman went too late and woman went too late

and walked off too late I still respect it weirdly too too late can I take your order two seconds we're deciding

we've decided too late walked off awful that is I weirdly respect it as well and I love your mum said

I just find it funny sometimes real arsehole behaviour like that it goes for me it sometimes goes past annoyance to the point of where i'm quite i'm quite entertained by it and i think it's quite funny what your mom said to me that on the way out she said this stopped some young girl who worked there on the way out and said who's the manager and she went well i'm the like deputy manager or whatever and she complained about the woman on the bar and i was like i guarantee the woman behind the bar was the manager and you've told her underling and her underling's just got nothing no comeback oh very funny I'd love that done it to me

yeah if I if I was in the right kind of too too late well it's that thing of if I was that's the kind of thing I would say I would say too late I'll turn away then I'll turn back and be like I'm joking what do you want but the fact that you just kept walking I mean you know you've always I always go on the edge of like that person might be having a really bad day but it's funny though there's having a bad day and then there's just

I've worked in retail and I've worked in bars and restaurants and you know I've had people click at me when I worked at a pub oh wow

and that I mean that was infuriating oh clicking's great I didn't serve them for a long long time yeah you wouldn't would you but they weren't being rude. They were just choosing what they wanted to drink.

And I know this pub. It won't have been heathen. Not on a Saturday afternoon. No. Yeah, it's bad crack that, though. Can you remember, like, I'm not going to sound like an old fuddy-duddy here, but can you remember standing, like,

fucking 10 deep in a bar, waiting to get the barman's attention to get a fucking triple vodka Red Bull or something? Horrible. I was thinking about vodka Red Bull the other day. Yeah. Is there a worse drink on the planet? If I think long enough about vodka Red Bull,

I think I can give myself indigestion. Yeah, that is awful. I can give myself heartburn. There was a girl I knew who used to drink like doolies and coke. Sorry? Doolies. The fuck is a doolies? It was like a liqueur.

Have you made that up? No, it was like an Easter egg liqueur. I'm talking of Easter, weirdly. It was a... I'm going to have to Google this. Doolies. Was it chocolate? I can't remember.

And then she used to have it with cork. Are you sure? And it curdled, yeah. Doolies. There it is. Doolies, toffee. Oh, man. Of course.

It looks like it's got the same colour as this cream egg. Yes. Right, there you go. Yeah. She used to have that with cork. Fucking hell. She might as Yes, right, there you go. Yeah. She said that would coke. Fucking hell, she might as well have a fucking glass of melted ice cream. Yeah, that's a horrific, horrific drink. She wasn't pissed, she was on her sugar buzz.

Fuck me. So I think that's quite a bad drink. Two of these are cool. Can I have a pint of honey, please? Thank you. With a bit of fizz. Just stand the straw up in it. Drinking like a fucking

McDonald's milkshake yeah but vodka Red Bull not great is it horrendous absolutely horrendous you ever heard of TV Oz no

tequila vodka Red Bull oh horrendous oh no absolutely horrendous yeah I had one night out on them that was the night where

I was going on holiday the next week and you vomited in your suitcase yeah i already had all my stuff in the suitcase and i hide up on the side of the bed or in the suitcase yeah two worst places i've hide up that my mom will never let us forget one on the suitcase white shirt on top of it all over that um and once i opened my bedroom window and i was sick on my bedroom window but there's a little roof there oh geez so there was just a lot of sick on the roof and i had to get up the next day in there hose it off oh i vomited in my bed once in your bed in my bed that was quite bad and it was a bunk bed but it didn't go through kate was underneath

oh man that would have been amazing sick of our life just yeah shout out all the teenagers being sick in your own beds watch what you're doing lie on your side lie on your side you're gonna be sick just go to the toilet if you feel sick you're gonna be sick

the minute you lie down and that room starts spinning just go and sleep in the bath just go and sleep in the bath just go and sleep in the bath because it's happening many a times I have when you're on the talk

about hugging a toilet yeah yeah I have done that there's nothing it's really I haven't done it for years touch wood I have not vomited from a drink for years touch wood yeah being sick is the worst nothing it's really I haven't done it for years touch wood I have not vomited

from drink for years touch wood yeah being sick is the worst but it's the worst red wine last time I was sick 2020 you do it quite often

no no 2020 was the last time I was sick from drink me and Carl went out when they eased everything me and Carl were like the pubs are open yeah

yeah oh my word Carl fell asleep on a park bench on his way home is that the night when you were just saying sorry all the time

that was after the global awards that's my default yeah that global awards did you vomit then you vomited then as well yeah twice in 2020 twice in 2020

you honestly that was after the global awards when we won best podcast at the global awards that was the night of 4pm white that was 10am baby

10am my darling went back to the hotel sick all night still vomiting about 3 o'clock jumped in the car went and presented the one show all night still vomiting at about three o'clock jumped in the car went and presented the one show

yeah no business like show business and next on the one show I seen that Boris Johnson stolen me me saying again what's he stolen

well he hasn't stolen it maybe it's the paper it's that wine time baby wine time wine time Friday so apparently

we were having Friday wine time while we were all you know scared for our lives waving at people through windows yeah we're having friday wine time of course the fucking way bunch of cunts hi rosie and chris after listening to episode 61 i had to email in holy shit i can't remember what it was take it back now y'all no idea um i'm a bit of a dick and often go out of my way to wind up my mum and dad. Love it.

They used to run a social club where I also worked behind the bar. For no reason whatsoever, I decided to convince a group of regulars that my dad was in fact my stepdad and that my biological father was none other than Rick Parfitt from the band Status Quo.

Jesus. Am I pronouncing that right? I don't know how to say it. Parfcing that right? I don't know how it's said Parfait maybe But I don't know his name I'm just guessing by what you've said That it might be that But I don't know

With Status Quo Rocking all over the world And I like it, I like it, I like it, I like it La la la la La la la la Shut the fuck up please Whoa Rocking all over the world

Yeah? I don't know Status Quo Yeah Shut the fuck up, please. Whoa. Rocking all over the world. Yeah? I don't know. Status quo. Yeah. Whatever you want. Yeah, rocking all over the world. Yeah.

Yeah. Good. And Rick. Yeah, it looks like it would be Rick Parfait. Yes. My dad used to do, whenever that came on and we're at a party or anything, that song, he would do this thing with his legs and i've never quite forgot it he'd kind of hunch over like a chicken and then kick his leg like front and back and it was awful sorry and i even remember what you've just described as physically impossible why why what you've just wow what you've just described there

is physically impossible what do you mean he hunched over forwards. I'll show you. So look, he used to just... Hold on, she just took her headphones off. He'd hunch over. Yeah. Like,

and I like it, I like it a lot. Oh, right, okay. And then he's turned around and he's armed it. And I'm like, it's actually quite hard. Guys, this is awful to watch.

Yeah. Look forward to Rosie being out of breath for the next 10 minutes of the podcast. So she was done, she was knelt forward there and then kicking forwards

and then kicking back with your arms on the side. Yeah, it was awful. You must have looked ridiculous. You did. But yeah, great. So she's working at a social club and she's convinced the regulars that her dad isn't her dad really

and that Rick Parfait, sorry if I'm saying that wrong, from Status Quo is her dad. Yes, yes. Okay. Off the top of my head, sorry, off the top of my head, I told them that wrong. From status quo, he's her dad. Yes, yes. Okay. Off the top of my head, sorry. Off the top of my head,

I told them that my mum had been a groupie and that she had had a one night stand with Rick, which resulted in my conception. Wow. I said that a DNA test had proved it, but that Rick wasn't interested and had never even met me. I was 19 at the time.

What's that? Why? What is the strange thing? I'm listening to something that I'm going to listen to in a podcast in years to come. Yeah, time. What's that? Why? What is the strange thing? This is, I'm listening to something that I'm going to listen to in a podcast in years to come. Yeah, yeah.

Isn't it? And when she was younger, she would pretend that her dad was from status quo. Why has she picked status quo? No offence, I'm not status quo hating here,

but okay. Well, this is a while ago, I think. Yeah, but still. Okay, how about then? Of course, my parents had no idea that I had told this story. And so, when one of the ago, I think. Yeah, but still. Okay, how old are you then? Of course, my parents had no idea that I told this story. And so when one of the customers casually said to my dad,

what a bastard that Parfait is, eh? Is it Parfait or Parfait? Are we saying it wrong? I don't know. Anyway, not even bothering to meet his daughter. My dad was puzzled. However, as the customer went further into it, my dad cottoned on and realised that this was another one of my stories. Brilliant. She's been at it again, the pathological liar.

It's so bad, isn't it? Imagine. He went along with it for a laugh and as a result, said customer bought my dad a pint for being such a great guy and taking me on no questions asked and by the way i've done you a favor i've smashed up your jukebox because i saw there was a couple of status quo tracks in there as well my dad got a pint a week which went on for months until my mum finally revealed the truth wow a pint a week. She must have been a right arsehole. There's another pint

for putting up with this young twat. What a bitch. I can just imagine he must be like all the money he's got now and he's just left

to burn. You're shocking that. You're a dime a dozen, Dave. Taking on this sperm. I don't think a dime a dozen Dave taking on taking on this sperm I don't think I don't think a dime a dozen is a I think that's the opposite of a compliment I think a dime a

do you mean a diamond you're just a diamond I think a dime a dozen means you're you're cheap you're not a compliment no no no I mean you made it sound a bit like a compliment if someone said to me

hey you're a dime a dozen I'd go that's not nice is it bad is dime a dozen bad I'd go, that's not nice. Is it bad? Is dime a dozen bad? Is it bad? It is, isn't it? It's dime a dozen.

They're a dime a dozen. Very common. A definition. Very common and of no particular value. There's a pint. You've done it again. Did I mean diamond in the rough? You might have been diamond in the rough.

I don't know what you meant, but fucking hell. Hey, you took on that kid, that bastard from state school. Anyway, there's a pint. And by the way, you're a dime a dozen. That was a spit in your face. See you later. I think I said yeah, and my brain switches off. Honestly.

Anyway. Oh. Oh. Empty. I just love the idea. Love the idea of buying someone a pint and then just giving them

a really underhanded, backhanded sort of insult that's phrased like it should be a compliment. You, my friend, are a dime a dozen. She's fucking good. And you're a piece of shit.

Oh, sorry about that. I totally got that wrong. I'm going to listen to that back though and that's going to be really, I think I said it quite, like, Yeah, you made it sound like a compliment. You made it sound like it was right.

Yeah, it was very well done. There you go. It's just words, Chris. It don't mean anything. It says here, My behaviour came back to bite me it was very well done. There you go. It's just words, Chris. It don't mean anything. It says here, my behaviour came back to bite me on the arse though. A few years later, whilst I was heavily pregnant with my first child,

I went swimming with my cousin. Being the size of a small island, I stayed in the shallow end and just did small laps. My cousin had gotten in the jacuzzi, which I wasn't allowed in due to my condition. And I noticed he had started chatting to a few people. He was pointing over at me and then waved, so naturally I waved back.

The couple were looking at me with odd-looking expressions as I naively waved at them. It was only as we were driving home that my cousin, through fits of laughter, revealed that he had told them we were expecting a baby together, but had recently discovered we were in fact half-siblings due to our dad having an affair. The poor couple were understandably very shocked.

I was mortified. To this day, 14 years later, I still shudder when I recall happily waving over to the people who thought I was pregnant with my brother's child. Kooey! Hi! Here we are, so happy together.

Honestly, like, I can't, people who do them kind of wind up, I can't, how much fucking time you got? Yeah. Well,

the kid's not born yet, that's why. Yeah, fair play. Still got a sense of humour, Chris. Jesus Christ. I do quite like

stuff like that though. Yeah, yeah. So I don't want to give away who this is, because I don't want to slag anyone off, but basically someone

I knew in my past who was younger than me was a pathological liar. Like a friend of the family, a child. A friend of the family's child, without giving too much away, a full-on pathological liar. Like lied non-stop.

And their family were on holiday and she told loads of people around the pool that her dad was Alan Shearer. Brilliant. But he was on holiday. He was there. And he looked... No, Shearer wasn't there.

The dad was there. Oh, right. But he looked nothing like Alan Shearer. But she was like, me dad's Alan Shearer. And people were like, oh, Mr. Shearer. Like, want his autograph.

But he looks nothing like Alan Shearer. And I've never got my head around it. I'm so confused. Well, she was such a good liar that they must have just thought, oh, he looks different when he's on the football pitch, eh? And they were like,

he's ridiculous. She was just a pathological liar. I'm not really doing the story justice because I can't really go into any names or what the guy did, but he's fucking nothing like Alan Shearer. That's all I can say. That's amazing.

But did they have the accent? Were they from a PR? Were they from a PR? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That must have been all it took. It's half of the story, isn't it? Just, say. That's amazing. But did they have the accent? Were they from a PA? Were they from a PA? Yeah, yeah, yeah. That must have been all it took. It's half of the story, isn't it? Just, yeah. Ridiculous.

Were you from Newcastle? Brilliant. But back then, though, people weren't on the telly as much. He probably wasn't on the telly. He was running around fast as well, wasn't he, when he was on the telly? Well, exactly.

Doing headers and that. I mean, I know my dad listened to the football on the radio. Well, there you go. So, hey. There you go. I mean, he's not a Newcastle fan

well you never know but she might have might have been that good of a large goat of people like oh yeah we're from Newcastle yeah we support

the football team do you know much about the football team no not really my dad's Alan Shearer is he ah he's here babadoo babadoo babadoo

hi Rosie and Chris podcast listener from day one and loved the live show in Newcastle oh bless you thank you thank you for coming

just listening to the story of the girl with the stubble ration her parents questioning her so much it reminded me of a story oh the stubble ration that she said it was the she said it was the the sandwich bag package thing right okay yeah i remember that i remember that yep yep yep yep um it reminded me of a story i had from lockdown last january i was in a bubble with my dad's household and went around every weekend okay i had started talking to a guy from tinder and we had been on a few socially distance walked me and this guy started to send each other a few saucy texts sexts even. To use their proper name. Saturday afternoon.

Sexting on a Saturday. Sexting on a Saturday afternoon. In the summertime. The same afternoon my dad received a delivery of a heart rate slash oxygen monitor that you put on your finger. He was testing all of us with it.

When he tested me right in the midst of sexting my heart rate was up to 130 beats per minute my dad could not believe my heart rate was so high when i'd been sitting in the armchair all afternoon he kept coming back and checking mine every 10 minutes to see if it changed. Eh? Eh? You've just been sat there all day? Are you alright? Eh? What's going on?

That's amazing. He kept coming back and checking me every ten minutes. It hadn't. And it was actually increasing with the mix of sex and anxiety from my dad. How good is this guy at sexting? I mean... Fucking best-selling novelist. I know. It's in the middle

of lockdown as well. She's probably, you know... Yeah, I suppose. Jesus. What's he painting a picture with his words, this fella? My dad then started googling and decided my heart rate

was so high we might have to go to A&E. I had to convince him that this was totally ridiculous in a pandemic and I was sure I'd be fine. I love the idea of just texting back

in a scenario and that and just like, I'm going to have to call my dad to put a heart rate monitor on as he thinks my heart rate's too high. The guy's like, yeah, and then what? No, I've got to,

honestly, he's going to take his DNA and fucking stop sexing as he did. He just sat in the afternoon. Wow. Wow. I'd love to see them sexed.

Oh, honestly. She should publish them by the sounds of things. I know. Fifty Shades of Grey, you're hot out. Love it. Wow.

Could you sext while you're in the room with your parents? No. That's the thing. I find it really strange. I mean, I can't compartmentalise anything. Like, you know,

if I've started cleaning the fish tank in the other room and the house starts burning down, the main thing will be like, but I haven't finished cleaning the fish tank in the other room and the house starts burning down the main thing will be like but i haven't finished cleaning the fish tank like i can't separate things out in my head i have to finish a job all the way i'd have to go to the toilet or something i couldn't do it in the room with everyone else jesus christ i know this is questions from the public but i know in this you know this might not stay in but i wanted to put this in the beginning bit and i forgot actually because we talk on here we've been really open about you and anxiety and uh and thoughts and what's it called catastrophizing all that kind of stuff a lot of people have got in touch and said they're

the same um we've had loads of chats about it and things and you are actually currently trying to be really positive and i just wanted to congratulate you and i don't mean that to sound what's the word uh patronizing i'm sorry i really don't but it's really helping and i just think it's a really a positive step that you're taking in your life to not go to the absolute nth degree of negativity in a situation to try and see the positive side right because i i feel like i was born with a half full cup and you weren't yeah and listen right your diamond doesn't i don't know where the fuck that was going i didn't mean it like that i'm just saying you know this is this is the podcast it is our relationship and we have always been

quite open about it and one of the things has been you and anxiety and stuff like that but I just think this past week you've really been trying

to be really positive and it's made a massive difference I have been trying to be a lot more positive so there you go I just wanted to let you know it's going fucking shit if I'm honest

no it's not it's not don't say that because you can get addicted to negative thoughts is what I found out so I will go to, you'll see anything,

you'll put anything down, you'll see this, you know, come and do it. And it does help us in the comedy because when you were like, we're going to get a caravan, I was like,

well, he has 50 reasons why a caravan's going to fuck off. What are we selling soon, by the way, because we don't use it. Just quickly tell everyone. Don't. What is it?

What is it that we're selling soon because we're not using it? Vito. Vito. Vito Vito no we might be selling the camera van I told you so

only I mean I would keep it it's just because Rafe's so small yeah it's it's gonna be a nightmare with the baby but he's gonna get older

not older it's like an engineering trip you've got to erect half the thing then we'll build a house but no positivity uh i am i'm doing i'm doing well and thank you so there you go as always thank you for listening to this week's episode of shag marionoid which is part of the

acas creator network yes it is thank you so much for listening we'll be back in ets next week and i am actually genuinely back on tour in February, March, April guys tickets available on the website not many as I say because it's actually the first leg of the tour

because it's been rescheduled that many times which is just madness two years later two years later 2020 tour so glad I named it 2020 that was a great

fucking idea wasn't it guys we'll be back next week big love bye bye we'll be back next week big love bye bye you're invited to an immersive listening party

led by Rishi Keshe Herway the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series this unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra

music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation together they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring followed by a features her way and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first

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