Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 153. Record Breakers

Episode Date: February 4, 2022

On the podcast his week Chris and Rosie discuss Record Breakers, birdwatching and bad breath. The beefs get personal and the QFTP's involve swinging, flossing and a coughing incident. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag Marginoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey, who's just tried to do a sneeze and I want to punch him in the face. Yeah, she hates it. I mean, yeah. Was it the beef last week?

Yes, it was, yeah. And I literally was about to do it. And you know what it is? It put us off. You know what put us off? Normally people will make a noise or they'll go like, don't sneeze, what are you going to sneeze? But you just looked at us and you radiated so much hatred

that your hatred put me off my sneeze. Good, I'm glad. The negativity pouring out of you made me sneeze but you just looked at us and you radiated so much hatred that your hatred put me off my sneeze good i'm glad the negativity pouring out of you good made me sneeze run away and i'm i'm furious about it don't i don't feel negative i feel good today i'm feeling tell your face when i was trying to sneeze because you know you want to kill us so there's that there's that welcome back welcome back everyone hello hope you're all all right hope it's all hope it's all going good for you, etc. Yeah, etc, etc. What have you been doing, what have you been up to?

Not much, actually, Chris, I really don't do much, I've really not got much of a life. I kind of sit in the house and just look at stuff that I can do to the house and then people will come round and then they come round and I think, oh, I fucking wish you weren't here. Yeah, there's currently men here putting some wardrobes in. Yeah, but they do look pretty smart they do look smart wardrobes are nice as well the men are smart hey come on man guys come on i'm warming up come on back on tour this week oh yes you're going back on tour i am going back on tour which um which you're being a bit work shy and you're not really looking forward i am i am i'll you know what the moment i walk on stage i'm gonna hack. You know what, the moment I walk on stage,

I've got Hackney Empire Friday night, the moment I walk on stage I'll be buzzing, but up until that moment, I can't be arsed. And that's just pure honesty. But honestly, guys, you'll be sitting in the crowd, right, and you'll be going, you know, who the fuck has he said he couldn't be arsed, this'll be fucking shit, and it'll be great.

I know it will. Once I'm back on stage, I love it. Once you're back on stage, you'll be fine. I love it, I love it so much. And there is part of us that wants to go back on stage straight away, but it's everything that goes with it that I can't I know it will. Once I'm back on stage, I love it. Once you're back on stage, you'll be fine. I love it. I love it so much. And there is part of us that wants to go back on stage straight away, but it's everything that goes with it

that I can't be arsed with. I can't be arsed with rocking up to hotels and going, is room service still on? Finished? Time's breakfast? Finished? It's six.

But I've just got in, it's three in the morning, a minute past six. People don't, it's a very small, it's a small minority of people who work in your field, so not many people understand.

So come on, shut up. Suck it up. Sometimes it feels like a personal vendetta at the hotels. What time's he getting in? Midnight. Finish breakfast an hour early. Fuck him. Podcast shite.

They might be doing that. I wouldn't blame them. I'm personally dreading it because I've just got used to being here. Yeah? I've just got you. Not so much you as my husband, like, you know, loving all that. Me as a all that i've just got just another pair of hands to be honest so i'm not massively looking forward i'm at that point now where i'm like right who's gonna go and get your charger exactly who's gonna go and get you a yogurt yeah fridge when you want a yogurt yeah i'm just kind of like what

am i gonna do with putting the kids to bed? Yeah. Would you like me to, this might make you feel bad. Every time I sneeze, would you like me to record it and FaceTime me or whatever and send it? No. I'll do that.

You'll love that. You'll fucking love a bit of that. You'll think it's great. Listen guys, thank you so much. It is episode 153. Without further ado, it's time for this week's

lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is people who spray aftershave on themselves on public transport. Oh, awful. Oh, this is a nice trick oh what sorry why does this carriage suddenly smell like a davidoff cool water showroom oh because that fucking arsehole up there has just doused himself in it halfway through the journey for no reason at all oh i've seen it happen so many times so many times

it's always a bloke will literally go in their bag and get a laptop recharger and pick out an aftershave and just cover themselves in it on a train and I'm like mate mate this is an enclosed space

with other people there's no windows on the trains what the actual fuck are you doing it's one of the most offensive things people do on trains but I also I also loathe when

ladies wear too much perfume and it's grotesque perfume. A woman who wears too much perfume and

holds her baby for a moment and gives her her baby back. Your baby stinks like a hen night. Yeah, horrible.

To the point where Rafe, have you been to a baby shower? To the point where if you're out you're like I can't soothe my baby now until they have a bath.

So, yeah, it's the worst. Paws you down in the garden, you smell like a slag. Is my perfume nice? Yeah, your perfume's lovely. I just always worry because then I slag off other people because people have got such unique senses of smell. Well, yeah, other people, it's like comedy, you know, other people will hate your perfume.

People will go, she stinks. She's held my baby and my baby stinks. Oh, no. But you'll think they stink as well because it's just opposite smells and what people like, isn't it? Shit. Maybe we should just stop washing and wearing perfume. There is a, I had a lecturer at college who said that.

What? I had a lecturer at college who said he didn't wear, he didn't wear, did he use soap? He may have used soap, but I think it was scentless soap. Right. And he didn't wear deodorant. He didn't wear any kind of spray or anything. Okay. Because he said that the smell of the human body is much nicer.

I'll tell you one thing, he never stunk. Okay. All right, that's interesting. He never stunk. I never thought he is a smelly man. It's interesting because every time I watch a period drama or anything like that, all I can think is they must fucking stink. Oh, Outlander.

Whenever they're shagging on Outlander, honestly, that must be a fucking ordeal that you're going through there. Honestly, it must feel like someone's, it must smell like someone's brewing fucking beer in that room while you two are yeasting all over each other. I can just smell infection. Smelling someone's fucking whipping up Yorkshire pudding

batter in that room. It's so true. It's so true. It's so true. And they didn't floss their teeth. They didn't brush their teeth. Oh, Jesus. I can't get past that. When I'm watching a sex scene or something

in olden times, I can't get past it. I can't get past it. It's the layers. They grab each other, they lift a skirt up, and they're done. And you go,

they're going for it straight away, within seconds. And you go, that's bollocks. You've 25 layers on here and i'm not being funny right i know this is the introduction i'm sorry but erections don't necessarily always go in on the first shove do they they don't though they don't you don't it doesn't slot straight in it's not this week's nugget of knowledge from Rosie over to Rosie and always remember kids erections don't go in

on the first shove is what you said so the word shove was used there tells you a lot about our sex shove

fancy a quick shove ah where then I Ben's are asleep fancy a shove ah come on then I I'm gonna be shuffling you shuffling you shuffling you

tonight why did you sing that to the big why would you sing that to the big break theme tune great old yeah awful

it doesn't happen like that it takes a bit of it takes a bit of slotting it in and all that and it's yes it just

it looks better obviously because they're just like oh straight away they won't be wet they'll not be done so it's not real it's not real guys don't watch it and think this is how my sex life should be because it's not real i'm telling you now oh god yeah so yeah guys when you see when some producers listen to this and there's a slew of like bbc period dramas where there's

just awkward 45 seconds of people trying to shove it in you know you can thank rosie for that for adding some absolutely unnecessary realism to our viewing so there you go you're welcome there you go interesting little fact out on the side that teacher i was talking about that lecture i was talking about uh once threw me out of the class because i am through me mates uh books out the window on the fourth floor um is that college it'll be funny yeah it'll be funny right so there's another thing that I don't know about quite right

I'm just no I'm just enjoying all of these these things that are coming about because let's let everyone in your mum and dad

painted a very very very rosy picture of your childhood I remember more bad things than they do yeah but to the point of like

when our children might be a little bit, you know, if Robin's a bit cheeky or whatever, I've heard from your mum and dad's mouth, ee, our Chris was never like this. Oh, it was terrible. She's totally wore tinted glasses. Well, your auntie, auntie Linda,

and Sharon came over the other day, you were a little shit. Oh yeah, they dug me the fuck out the other day. Apparently, apparently you were wicked. Yeah. Well, not in the eyes of your mum and dad, you weren't. I don't know why I don't know why

my mum does that and I mentioned stuff that I did and I remember when you bollocked us for that and she's like no

and I'm like mum there's no prize here I think she's convinced I'll do the same to be honest honestly I will I'll do the same

I'll be like eee Robin never did that Robin never made me cry in B&M bargains Robin never came up to me and tried to fart on me leg before bed and accidentally weed himself which is genuinely what he did to me and tried to fart on me leg before bed and accidentally weed himself.

Which is genuinely what he did the other day. Tried to force a fart out on me leg. Pissed himself in the middle of the living room. That was class. Animal. Feral, these kids. The worst thing was he had little grey boxer shorts on and he went. It was only a dribble. It was a tight, but there was definitely something there.

We shouldn't say this, you know. He's going to listen to this one day. Ah, it's fine, man. It's fine, man. Hey, Robin, this, what, that, that, hey, your first car, that little joke paid for a portion of that. So shut your shit. Stop whinging.

Go swivel if you think you're getting a car, son. Wow, wow. Get some more wardrobes or something instead of that. Just go a couple of cities. Not waste my money. Goodness me. We had a fight about the jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle.

So this is the jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Jingle. Ba-ba-doo, ba-ba-doo, ba-ba-doo, ba. Jingle. Jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

Jingle. 365 reasons to look on the bright side of life. Right, so that's how we're starting the podcast. Do-do, do-do, do-do. Yeah. 365 reasons to look on the bright side of life. Okay. Do-do, do-do, do-do, do-do.

Norma just says hello. Norma just says hello and welcome back, but you went far straighter than that. Because every cloud has a silver lining. Sorry for interrupting. This is by Richard Harper. I apologise. Harper, sorry. Right, okay.

So you did this last week, one of your 365 Reasons to Look on the Bright Side of Life. Yeah. Today, as we record it, is the 2nd of February. 2nd of February. I want to at least do two weeks out of it. Right, okay. Let's do one week. Let the feature breathe.

Yeah. It's like when they put a TV series on they give it one series and they go we've cancelled it and you go why have you done that yeah it didn't get time to breathe the characters didn't get time to develop oh my god

I mean you know this is oh they're gonna do that to us eh they're gonna do that to us series TV series our show they'll be like

sorry there's no characters it's our chat it's a chat show still though yeah yeah anyway the 2nd of February

hey that's the attitude to have that's the hey watch we're sure it's gonna get cancelled fucking hell love this is called crate expectations i haven't actually read this yet because i'll be more crate c-r-a-t-e as in a wooden crate expectations right the cargo handler at jfk airport distinctly heard the crate say, what time is it? When are we going to leave? He opened it and inside was 19 year old Michael S...

Is it a hard word? S-Z-W-E-U How would you pronounce that? I don't know that. S-W-E-U S-Z I have no idea to be fair. No, neither do I. S-Z-W-E-U S-U maybe? I don't know. I have no idea, to be fair. No, neither do I.

SZ, W-E. Sue, maybe? I don't know. I'm not sure. Michael had emigrated from Australia, but was desperate to return because he missed his friends. Okay. Unable to afford the £280 airfare,

he decided to air freight himself for £27 instead, today, in 1968. His plan had failed, but his impatient had undoubtedly stopped him from dying in an unpressurised and freezing cold hold. What the hell? So instead of paying the airfare, he'd just paid to

air freight himself, so he'd sat in the box for £27, but he'd asked what time it was, so he got found. Who the fuck did he think he was asking? The people who were the handlers, the cargo handler. Does he not know he's not supposed to be in there? What the fuck's going on?

What time's the trolley service? Unbelievable. Yeah, but they saved his life. Yeah. Well, he'd have died. He would have died. Yeah, because the cargo holds unpressurised, and it would have been freezing. Yeah, he'd have froze. He would have died. Yeah, because the car... It says, yeah, the car would have been unpressurised and, like, it would have been freezing.

Yeah, he'd have froze. Wow. There you go. 1968. He was 19. He'll still be alive. I mean, not if that's his fucking way

he goes about doing stuff. I'm joking, aren't you? He probably died a fucking week later. Trying to jump into a moving car or something. I realise that the train station is in the other

direction from my house so I'll just try and jump through the window of the moving train and put myself in a big envelope. Fucking moron.

I'm telling you right now he will definitely be dead. He will 100% be dead. That's sad though if he is dead. You don't actually

find out that he is dead. I just want to know. Can't find him on here. I think he's dead. He's probably dead. Rest Oh, for f... Can't find him on here. I think he's dead. Great, he's probably dead. Okay, good.

Rest in peace, Michael, whatever your fucking surname is. Great, so that's a lovely, happy little start to the episode. That's fantastic. I do like that. I'll keep that one more week. We'll give it one more week.

No, give it a few, man. Come on. It'll be like Neighbours, that. It'll run forever. You'll never be able to catch up. Is Neighbours still running? Is Neighbours still on? I don't know.

Come on, Dave. That's a terrible reference. No, I know. I'll take it. It'll be like Coronation Street, that. It'll never be able to catch up. Is Neymar still running? I don't know. That's a terrible reference. It'll be like Coronation Street. It'll be on forever. Good save, Chris. Good save. So big news this week. Big news this week. Rosie, you are currently looking at

and talking to a Guinness World Record holder. And I am currently looking at and talking to a Guinness World Record holder. Official Guinness World Record holder. And I am currently looking at and talking to a Guinness World Record holder. Official Guinness World Record for the largest ever ticket sales to a live podcast event. Shag my annoyed, the O2 Arena London. Everyone who came, you are part of a world record. We officially got... Record breakers.

Yeah, different thing. Well, sort of the same thing, but that's true. But yeah, Guinness World Record. You're a part of the Guinness World Record. Okay, that's cool. Official Guinness World Record. We got sent the... Poster.

Certificate, I was going to say. Yeah, poster. Yeah, we got a poster. We got sent the certificate. We're going to get it all framed up. Very exciting. We'll put it on our social media. It's for you to see on Friday.

And they sent us the annual as well, right? Now, it's obviously not the annual that we're going to get it all framed up very exciting we'll put it on my social media for you to see on friday and uh they sent us the annual yes as well right now it's obviously not the annual that we're going to be in we'll be in the next year are we going to be in that annual yeah shut up every record goes in the annual yeah how amazing i used to love getting the annual at christmas me too me too so i said to them when they sent it i said look can you send the annual as well so they sent the annual we'll they'll send with the one that we're them when they sent it I said look can you send the annual as well so they sent the annual they'll send with the one that we're in but they'll send with the one that's out now

that we're not in and I just had to flick through and I just thought because I love stuff like that and because I know you do as well I thought I'd just give you a little quiz and see how close you can get

at guessing some of the world records that I found in that annual are you up for this are you going to shit all over my 365 reasons of what is it again to look on the bright side?

Rosie, I don't think anyone's touching that ironclad feature. Okay. I don't think anyone's touching that. I mean, that'll be the first podcast BAFTA ever will be for that feature. Yeah, okay. That'll be it. Aureas, Aureas, are you listening? Aureas Podcast Awards Best Feature.

Rosie's thing that she half-sung a thing to and then doesn't know Roman numerals and can't pronounce the surnames of anyone in it. And then we normally finish it by saying that the person's dead. So best feature. Yeah. Right, come on then.

I'm ready. So you're going to quiz us? Yes. So my favourite bit, I flicked through the whole thing and always when I was a kid and always now, and I don't know why

because they are largely pointless, but my favourite is the eating. When people... They call it... It's the best section of is the eating when people they call it it's the best section of the book right they call it gastronauts which I think

is just hilarious aren't they usually really slim as well yeah they're not they don't yeah you'd expect like Jabba the Hutt to be going for it

but it's not they're usually really slim and they just they hide them down I think you've got to have a really what's the word

open gullet I think genuinely I think you've just not got to give a fuck. Right. I think you've not got to worry about the state of your toilet the next day. And choking and all that shit. You've just got to go, I'm going to win this.

Yeah, okay. So here's a couple that I found, and I just think they're amazing, right? So, can you guess the most hot dogs eaten in ten minutes? Oh. In ten minutes. In ten minutes. That's a long time. The most hot dogs eaten in ten minutes.

That's a long time. But a hot dog is a stodgy little fella. I know, but if you're doing, so if you do two a minute. Right. How many? Two a minute. Could you eat two hot dogs?

A minute's quite long, you know. When I sit, and Rafe's going to bed. Yeah. And I sit, I stand outside for like a minute or whatever. Okay. It's a long time.

Well, you really commit to that bedtime routine, don't you? I stand outside for like a minute or whatever, then I go, Chris, can you put me in bed he won't shut up can you come and put me he goes down

he goes down better for you he does he don't even argue like guys I was going to try and get it admitted but just admit it no he does go down better for you because I actually think

he doesn't really give much of a shit about you ah yeah when I put him in bed he's like I'm not staying up for your company he's like fuck you yeah yeah he's literally like oh it's you I'll see you later I mean I turn that out on the way he's like your breath stinks

I'm going great Robin told us my breath stinks last night i was upset i'm brushing his teeth and he had he went and i went what he put his hand in his nose and he went your breath had you had a beer or a tea i had had some tea my dad used to i've told you my dad used to do me tie in the morning right after he had a cup of tea fucking horrible right okay still remember it now i had to breathe through my nose I know but I didn't I mean I wasn't a rude little shit

like Robin is I didn't say anything I just kind of went really upsetting and then I forgot and I'm saying like open your mouth wide and every time I spoke

you're like just what I need how many hot dogs in 10 minutes so if you're saying two a minute that would be 20 hot dogs in 10 minutes

I feel like you might be low balling there just as a hint oh well you said to me in a minute, that would be 20 hot dogs in 10 minutes. I feel like you might be low balling there, just as a hint. Oh, well you said to me, in a minute. Yeah, well, I can be surprised for two reasons. Right, okay, so let's say 30. 30 hot dogs. 30 hot dogs in 10 minutes. So you think three a minute.

Yeah. It's 75. Shut up. 75 hot dogs in 10 minutes. 75 hot dogs. It's fucking nuts. That's just, that's, I'm sorry, two hot dogs is filling. And I'm a pig like two hot dogs is a lot

75 in 10 minutes how big are they what does it do for the rest of the day I think they're like your sort I don't know if they're your massive big

sort of Brock first ones you know your roll out what they're called roll over hot dogs or whatever I think they're like your sort of six inches

but still 75 with a bun as well you know with a bun oh you thought they were just on their own I'm sure it's with a bun as well you know with a bun oh you thought they were just on their own I'm sure it's with a bun as well

it must be it's not a hot dog no I thought sorry yeah I've seen I've seen videos they just hoi them in it's crazy

they do have a bun yeah they bite them but then they have they have like water with it as well what is he doing for the rest of the day

because I'm very aware if I have fish and chips or something for my lunch the rest of my day is a fucking an absolute write off full as a motherfucker what's he doing i don't know must just be oh i mean christ can you imagine that ass like the acid reflux oh god and imagine the indigestion

yeah sponsored by renny's okay oh another one come on right what's the world record for the longest what's it ever made now what, a Wotsit is basically... The crisp. The crisp. It's a crisp. It's like a little corn snack crisp thing. Yes. For people around the world, just Google what a Wotsit is.

It's like a Cheeto if you listen in America. Yeah, like a Cheeto probably. Yeah, that's a good thing. So what is the longest Wotsit ever made? Ever. It was made by Walkers. It was made in Leicester specifically for... Okay.

You know, as a thing. It's actually on the wall in the factory. Oh. Yeah, they've kept it. That's somewhere I'd like to go. Hint, hint by Walkers. It was made in Leicester specifically for, you know, as a thing. It's actually on the wall in the factory. Oh. Yeah, they've kept it. That's somewhere I'd like to go. Hint, hint, Walkers. I'll come to your factory.

What? Buy some fucking crisps. Why? Would you want to go to the Walkers factory and walk around with a hairnet and a mask on and get pointed at?

Because I'm sorry, you weren't at the Warburton's factory. It was flipping brilliant. It was one of the best days of my life. Right, okay. I'll go to the, I love crisps as well. Right, okay. and if they could

combine the two crisp sandwich and I could on the into the morning I can just see you now I can just see you walking in

walking into the Walker's factory with a loaf of bread and a little thing of butter morning morning oh yes there she is she's here for her visit

and crisp sandwich consumption afternoon where's the salt and vinegars yes Mr. Gary can we get Guinness World Records in? She's going to go for the most crisp sandwiches

eaten in a crisp factory. Fucking hell, man. Oh, I love a crisp. Oh, do you want to go to the shops? So I can get you some crisps? I just want a crisp sandwich. Absolutely fucking not. Right, can you answer my question?

What is the longest what's it ever made? Two metres. Mate. What? 10.66 metres. Shit. And it was the same width as a what's it? So it was long, but ever made? Two metres. Mate. What? 10.66 metres. Shit. And it was the same width as a watsit.

So it was long, but it was the same width. Tiny. It was the same width, so it was like less than a centimetre wide. Was it curly? No, straight. Watsits are straight. It was a long straight. It's on the wall.

It's incredible. Are watsits straight? Yeah. Are they? Well, this one fucking is. I had the big flaming hot ones. Yeah, yeah. Blow your tits off.

Just lovely. Anyway. Next one. Oh, no. Here we go. This your tits off. Just lovely. Anyway. Next one. Oh, no. Here we go. This is a weird one. What is the most peas eaten in one minute? Peas.

Now, you imagine you could just get... I love peas. Well, you imagine you could just get a big fuck-off bowl of peas and just pour them into your face. It has to be done with a cocktail stick. That's the rules. A cocktail stick. So it's got boom- cocktail stick boom cha boom cha

boom cha boom cha I've seen this on Blue Peter weirdly but with beans so many world records are held on

Blue Peter yeah they did them all on there so when they get a new I didn't know this when they get a new host they have to attempt a world record

to be a new host which I think is fucking lush what a beautiful institution it is nice yeah most peas eaten in one minute with a cocktail stick

that'll not be many 100 108 very close well done I love that you think that's not many that's fucking loads

no I know can we try that no how much time have you got we haven't got time to squeeze the podcast in sorry how long is it

a minute I've got a minute to eat 100 peas well you're going to have to cook them as well yeah well How long is it? A minute? I've got a minute to eat 100 peas. Well, you're going to have to cook them as well. Yeah, well, that's fine. Okay, let's do it. I want to do it. All right, let's try it.

Yeah, let's try it. Yeah, it'll not be official if we beat it, but let's try it. Will it? Why not? Because you've got to have the guy here with his clipboard and his little clicker. Oh, for God's sake. Yeah, yeah. Listen, here's the one.

What is the world record for the most oysters eaten in eight minutes? Oh, loads. Yeah. What a waste of oysters. I'm sorry. I love oysters. I don't like hot dogs, whatever. Yeah.

What a waste. What a bloody waste. It's going to blow your mind. What's the most oysters? Don't highball it and ruin it. You know, when you go to someone, you go like, Three million! Well, you've got a new coat, and you go,

Hey, guess how much this was? And they go, Two pence! And you go, Well, that's ruined and they go 2 pence and you go well that's wouldn't be 30 quid fucking prick right okay oysters in how long

8 minutes in 8 minutes they're so easy to eat yeah 100 564 wow that's disgusting

sorry they will slosh. I'll tell you what, I'll tell you what. If they brushed Robin's teeth, he'd have something to say about it. I know. Fucking hell. Like their tummy will be like a bloody rock pool. That's horrible.

Imagine them coming out of here. It's awful. How many? 500? That's disgusting. I'm sorry, that's disgusting. Have they seen Seaspiracy? I don't think so.

So the health visitor came the other day for Rafe's one-year check. Yeah. Which was fine, absolutely great. He's doing very, very well. The mistake that I made was seeing the health visitor with Sandra in the room. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. our maid was seeing the health visitor with Sandra in the room. Oh yeah, yeah, yeah. To which she

admitted that when Rafe stays with her when we're away and Rafe's in her bed, when she nips to the toilet, she just puts a few pillows on the floor in case he rolls out of bed. So I'm waiting for social services to come round and take

my child away. So I just leave him in my bed and when I nip to the toilet I just put some pillows on the floor in case he rolls off the bed so he lands on the pillows. Excellent. That's our primary childcare talking there. Why did you tell her that?

I didn't know where to put myself. It was funny. Honestly. Jesus. But yeah, everything was fine so that's good. Had me dad here over the weekend yes Derek came to stay Derek me dad came to stay we've always got people staying

I do like that about here we do always have little guests staying over it's lush he stayed and he did some bird watching because over the weekend they were doing a survey

for the RSPB oh god no so everybody had to check they had to put something out for an hour. I mean, it was great. See how many birds came. It's a really good cause. It was something.

It's like nationwide. They put a feeder out. It's almost like a bird census. And then you put in how many birds you saw on the gore. And it's like, they get a very rough idea of how many birds are kicking about. God almighty. You weren't there for most of it though. God almighty.

No, I can't. I couldn't be in the room. I know. Because he put the feeder out. So he started at 11 o'clock in the morning which it actually said

on the website to do it early morning and I said to my dad dad 11 o'clock isn't early morning in bird watching land I think they meant about 5am

I mean there's literally a very well known phrase the early bird catches the worm but he's walking out hanging the feeder up giving them fucking brunch he tried tried it in the front

and nothing came he tried it in the front and nothing came. He tried it in the back and he was talking to me so much that when he looked back, the bird feeder was swaying. So he missed all the birds. At one point, he actually lied on the form and said that he'd seen more than he had. And he cheated about how many wood pigeons. It was painful to watch

it was painful and then he saw one bird and he went oh I don't know what kind of bird that is and he didn't know what to

write down on his form oh it was painful and then it was literally it was three hours of him sitting looking going I haven't

done it early enough I don't know what's going on he said he shouldn't have put it in the front because there was too

many cars he expected like you know in Home Alone 2 where they throw the seeds at them and there's just fucking loads of birds come in. He expected to put that feeder out and it would just be absolute carnage. That's what he thought was going to happen.

Like box and day sales. No birds at all. And then he couldn't make it. Three hours of carnage. He kept telling us about it. He was in and out. He kept, he says because he wears glasses, by the time he put his binoculars on, he couldn't see them.

He kept missing what bird it was. And then right at the end, he went, hey, do you know what though? If I put all this in, i'll get a free bird book i was like listen next year i will buy you a bird book if you don't come to my house and do it i'll buy him a bird this has been a fucking nightmare yeah yeah and robin didn't want to do it yeah you went to robin do rob went on the switch straight away he didn't want to do it at all yeah and he went it's an annual thing i went can you do it every other year because i needed i need a year i did i recorded a little i had a conversation with him he doesn't know about this but like and so i don't know where

they put it but i don't know if you've ever heard my dad's voice oh go for it i think people love this yeah i don't know but we'll see if it's if it makes sense or we'll see how long you gotta do it for an hour well i don't care because i saw some this morning. I'm going to put them down. Right. If I don't see any now. I was this morning, you know. Is that not true? No, because I saw them. Right.

They've been in the garden. That's what they want to know. Do you know what I mean? I mean, it's just a question of... Stretching the truth. Yeah. It's probably the wrong time now, you know. Yeah.

Well, no, it's not stretching the truth. I know you mean, but they were there. Yeah. I saw a thrush. Yeah. What I it was a thrush but I'm not sure. It wasn't a thrush but there was a thrush over there though. Oh there's one, there's one, there's one. Dad you are right that there's one. It's just there on that little bush there. It's a robin, it's a robin. Put a robin down. Robin Redbreast. On the bottom of the bush down there.

Oh it's gone now. Oh it's gone now. Oh it's gone now. Oh it's gone now. It's a robin. It's a robin. Put a robin down. Robin Redbreast. On the bottom of the bush down there. Oh, it's gone now. There. There.

On the... There. There. You see it? Aye. It's a robin now. Robin. There you go. Bloody hell.

Aye. It's me dad. There's one for you. Put that down on you. Margaret. Margaret. He's got nana I'm done doing Put that on your chart son

You'll be so proud of you I forgot to mention that So What is it with your family? My granddad's a feather My dad's dad Is Robin Robin Redbreast

And me nana Margaret Is a squirrel your family are honestly deluded beyond belief so your your mom's side every time they see a feather they think it's a relative I'm talking like a pigeon can get hit by a car and they're like oh family reunion and then like and now your dad's side your dad claims that he's Ma's squirrel. Whenever he sees a squirrel, he's like,

it's me ma. Yeah. And then he claims that his dad's a bird. Is he always a Robin Redbreast or is it any bird? Robin Redbreast. No,

you wouldn't pick a fucking seagull, would you? You know, he'd pick the nicest, the bonniest bird. He'd say, me dad in the paper, nicking a pasty off that fella

at the beach. Yeah, that's me dad. So he thinks because he couldn't see one, his dad came down as a robin redbreast you know what it is

you should have all stood in the garden right and put down on the form collection of tits this friday you must be very careful margaret

it's a girl witness the birth bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, no, don't. The First Omen.

I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real.

It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together

and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when

the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com it's time for what's your beef what's your beef stop it stop it right listen ladies first or gentlemen first do you know what i'm on i'm in the mood for a fight you go first you're in the mood for a fight wow Jesus Christ literally fighting talk

okay you are my beef with you this week yes you are currently on a one woman vendetta and you possibly say it nearly once a day

for me to get the snip oh I'm fully sick of it are you bringing that to the podcast your new catchphrase is when are you going to get the snip yes

you literally walk into a room, I'll just be standing there making some food or whatever, and you walk in and you come behind and you go, when are you going to get the snip? Yeah. It's offensive. Well, no, right. It's aggressive.

Right. And don't tell me what to do with my body. If I died, would you want another child? Who with? Anybody. Probably not Right Get the snip

Right Because I don't want Any more children I've decided Right I do not want any more Why don't you get the snip I'm quite happy with my lot

Why don't you get the snip I can't get the what Remove me womb I can't get the snip Women can't do that There must be a snip You can do that It doesn't involve me

Going and getting hurt You can absolutely I'm winding you up i'm winding you up but you know no no you brought this you brought it here i didn't think you were going to mention this on the podcast right i'm asking you because this is your time off you go back on tour in two days yeah so when are you going to get it you had all of january to get your little knob chopped but you haven't done it you haven't done it so do you know what i'm not having sex with you it's not

I'm not happening it's not happening right that's basically the setup we've got now well no sometimes listen

it's not a threat hey hey you more of the same alright no bother that's good what's gonna change oh nothing's gonna change and I don't have to have a doctor go at me bollocks Hey, hey you More of the same Alright, no bother That's good What's going to change? Oh, nothing's going to change

And I don't have to have A doctor go at me bollocks With some scalpels Alright, cool Yeah, yeah, crack on Right, okay then Well, you know that The very infrequent times

That we do I'll get pregnant And we'll be gutted So let's not Please get the snip That's all I'm asking Okay, okay It's your responsibility

I've done my bit Right, okay Literally, I've done it I'm not taking any more hormones Big love done I've done my bit literally I've done it I'm not taking any more hormones big shout out to all the fellas out there who have been

forced to get the snip I can't anyway Rose why? Covid right everyone else is using it as an excuse for

something I might as well Covid innit no Brexit please Brexit and Covid please petrol shortage

petrol strike truck driver strike you don't global warming honestly storms there's been storms i can't there's been storms there's been two storms right my beef with you russia my current beef with you the snippet side because I genuinely didn't think you were going to mention that but hey

you know everything else about why not why not mention this look forward to news websites putting that as if it's an exclusive that'll be fun

so my beef with you is at the minute every time your little little tick that you've got every time you get a glass out of the cupboard, you have to throw it up in the air.

Spin it. And spin it round. I've got to spin it. And look at me at the same time. Yeah, I've got to spin it. Do you know, actually, no, listen, just keep doing that. Right. You don't need to get this nip.

I'll just shut up. Get some glass and just shut it on my nose. I would just not want, no, no, I don't want to go anywhere near you. Oh, why are you doing it? I don't know, it's my new little thing. So I get a glass out of the cupboard and i water the fridge because we've got a um water dispenser in the front of the fridge because we're doing very well um and uh yeah so i have to like flip i throw the glass and i have to flip around in the air and i started doing it as a laugh and

then i was like oh i wonder if i can do that every time and now i have to do i literally can't drink how many glasses have you smashed none yet right none yet and now because i've said it on here probably every other glass from now on will be smashed yeah i don't do it. I literally can't drink the water. How many glasses have you smashed? None yet. Right. None yet. And now because I've set it on here, probably every other glass from now on will be smashed, yeah. I don't do it when the children are around. I don't do it when Rafe's anywhere, any other floor or anything. But yeah.

Safety first. Safety first. But yeah, if it falls rightly, like I say, if it falls in the right direction, I could snip myself. You never know. Listen, I don't actually think the snip,

I don't think the chop your knob off, okay? Sure. I'm positive. I think you still do have snip I don't think the chop you knob off okay you sure I'm positive I think you still do have a penis and still everything works what happens to your product

I don't really know what happens to your product does your product change does it change colour I don't know is it runnier I don't know it's like

if the stuff that comes out is like a blackcurrant cordial they're just taking the cordial out so it's just the water is that the crack like soda

like in a pub when the what's it the juices ran out the syrup the syrup's ran out we just got soda what there's no syrup

got no syrup tells about the beer genuinely honestly Chris I don't actually know what happens we probably should look into it

well there you go you're just telling me to go you could be sending us off to war telling me to go and get me bloody dodged

get me tackle tied we don't even know the procedure why are you putting it off so much because I'm scared I don't want to go and get

how are you man oh my word it's frightening honestly this is what this is what I hate about men and I'm not

like oh fuck it I don't give a shit new world don't be sexist you're absolutely you're so pathetic I have been I've been cut open twice and

whose fault was that oh don't it's it is ridiculous again that's a joke honestly all month i've been asking you to do it we have chatted about it and we've agreed and you've put it off and put it off and put it off to the point that now you're going back on tour and you can't get it done and then we're going to do the tv show and you still can't get it done. So when are you going to get it done? I don't know. Because I am not going back on the pill. So I can't get it done?

If I get it done, I'm laid up for weeks. No, it's like a day. It might hurt for a day. Right. Well, I'm not prepared to put myself through that. A full day? A full day of pain? For little me?

Oh, hey. Hang on. Can I get, right, anyone out there, can you come to my house and do this? When I think back to when I was pregnant, do you know how many bottles of Gaviscon

I drank when I was pregnant? For nine months. I know. Your body's not your own and you literally will not go and get this tiny little thing. You actually, you pissed us off

now we're done about it I'm really annoyed there must be a van or something that can come to your house you know there's them vans that do pizzas my mate used to run

one of them log fire pizza stop can we carry on because I'm annoyed actually you've annoyed us does he come does he come in a van and is there a tune

you know nip snip nip snip nip snip big set of scissors on top of his van, big plastic set, like a Red Bull car, and he just comes in and just sorts it out in the house.

That'll be good. I'm not saying anything else. You're not playing the game anymore. No, because you've pissed us off, because you haven't got, you've literally ran out of time to get it done. Do-do, do-do, do-do-do-do. No snip.

No sex. So if you see us on stage on this tour guys hobbling around on stage and I've got one of them lampshades on that dog's way shut up

where are we next I can't chew me stitches you'll not get an appointment anyway that's what's happened that'll be it man covid brexit petrol covid brexit petrol

can't get an appointment sorry I just jizz on the curtains no bother pray and spray oh god babadoo babadoo babadoo back

it's time for questions from the public questions from the public public public guys as always if you want to get in touch it is shaggedmarriedannoyed

at gmail.com continue to send us all your wonderful things now look just before we start all this you might be worrying if we're really still upset with each other

and we are angry. We were for a moment, and then Rosie went on the phone for a second and then said it was, I really want to try the chicken Big Mac. So I think we're all right again. Yeah, no, they don't last very long, but I genuinely do want to try the chicken Big Mac.

It's like the other thing. Do you know what? It's a Big Mac. It's like literally like it didn't happen, right? It's a Big Mac. Right. With like the chicken burgers in From the

Very exciting Chicken sandwich Very exciting Like and I've just seen on Twitter Right They're not going to be around for long Oh I love a bit of that So that means I need to go to the shops now

Quick Get my tonne of I know It's a shorter episode this week guys Because I'm going for the snip And she's going for a chicken Big Mac Looks amazing He's got chicken Big Mac looks amazing

he's got the Big Mac so he's got an old oh my god do the questions because I thought it might have just been stop it stop it

yeah hello Chris and Rosie first leak to add on from episode 152 which was last week I'm on Fab Swingers remember

oh that website yeah yeah yeah that website Fab Swingers and I have 24 verifications on my profile says dot dot dot slack yeah wow i also have a little story for you for my 27th birthday me and a male friend from work went to my now regular swingers club swingers club god there's a whole fucking world out there i know this is a lady who sent this in by the way goodness gracious all right okay it's nice

yeah she's a female pervert she this in by the way goodness gracious alright okay it's nice to hear from the female pervert yeah yeah yeah she is she's the female pervert she's part of the swingers club okay okay this was only the second time we had been but now they go quite a lot

okay they've named the night which I find quite quirky yeah it was their greedy girls party right greedy for pussy right Jesus. Jesus. Greedy girls. Greedy girls. Yeah, greedy girl.

Why is it that I just say it in a seedy, horrible old man voice? Greedy girl. Greedy girls night. What does it mean? Do we got any context for that? Greedy girls? Just greedy girls night. Just greedy girls. Does that mean more women than men? They're just greedy and they just want to have sex with everyone. Does it mean more men than women? Greedy girls? Just greedy girls night. Just greedy girls. So does that mean more women than men? They're just greedy and they just want to have sex with everyone. Does that mean more men than women? Greedy girls. So there's more men than women. Listen, we're taking the piss

but this is all totally consensual and it's a swingers party, swingers club. They love it. Well, of course they do. I reserve the right to take the piss on anything I want and I'm going to take the piss on this

and that's fine. Absolutely, and I agree but I just wanted to let everybody know that this is their crack and that's fine. And we're very agree, but I just wanted to let everybody know that, you know, this is their crack and that's fine. And we're very open to other people's things, but like we say,

we will take the piss out of quite a lot of stuff. So here we go. Bring it on. As you can probably imagine, there were lots of fun and playing all night. Multiple orgies

all over the place. Orgies. Orgies, sorry. Orgies. That's when there's loads of them. I've never had an orgy before. Do you have an orgy or an orgy?

What's an orgy? Everyone.gy? What's an orgy? Everyone. Why is it called an orgy? I have no idea. No, me neither. Orgy actually would make more sense. Orgy annoyingly makes loads of sense. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That's annoying. I'm just going to quickly Google it. Oh, quickly have a look why it's called orgy. Yeah. I don't want to just type orgy into Google here. Oh, Chris, I've typed loads

of weird shit in here. Oh, private browsing enabled. You're not going to get your kids taken off you if I type in orgy. I'm not sure. I don't know. Where does the word

orgy come from? It's going to have something to do with like orgy things, isn't it? Orgy. Early 16th century, originally plural from French orgies

via Latin from Greek orgia. Secret rites or revels. Right. Secret rites or revels. Right. Secret rites or revels. Rites mean, I think, sort of rituals here. Right. So it means secret rites or revels.

Nice. Okay, there you go. Not the chocolate revels. Oh, dangerous little fuckers, them. Yeah, they are in no way. Do not give me a coffee one. They want to distance themselves from that as much as possible. So there you go.

Okay, so great. Secret rites much as possible. So there you go. Okay, so great. Secret rights are revels. So okay, secret, but you know, it's not a secret if it's fucking everyone's day, isn't it? Yeah. Okay, fair enough. Multiple orgies all over the place, etc. Many of us stayed over at the club that evening. Rooms are only £20 a night.

Oh! What a fucking shithole! Oh, £20 a night! night hey if you're too knackered off all your shagging it's only 20 pound to stay over oh god sorry i'm not being a snob there but 20 pound that is cheap it's pretty cheap that is cheap at the worst b&b standards yeah fuck me i can only imagine the hygiene in this place as there was quite a number of people staying over the shagging continued well into the next morning where there were still people shagging at 6 15 a.m sorry sorry that's so specific i know that's really really specific not six like i'll tell

you what that was six that's 6 15 six fifteen. At six, at six I thought there's still people shagging at six. Yeah. They carried on for another fifteen minutes. It's disgusting. Wow.

Fifteen minutes. Shit. Who's got that kind of energy? It says in brackets here, for context, the party started at eight pm the previous night. Nearly twelve hours of shagging.

Mingling. Goodness gracious me. My male friend was one of these people. Goodness me. I had gone to bed, excuse me, I had gone to bed excuse me I had gone to bed

at about 4am right wow so she's like listen yeah okay it's a busy night but you know still 8 hours of

booking yeah I wonder how quick it takes them to start having sex is it like we know why we're here they all

it must be like we know why we're here just drop Trow everyone drop Trow I imagine this you know let's crack on well I've seen the Louis Theroux's where he's like

I mean some of the best telly ever made where Louis Theroux's sitting in the corner just a nausea people just beautiful fully dressed

just going like from the BBC fucking unbelievable yeah I mean I don't know it depends doesn't it I suppose I imagine there's different kinds of

you know people think oh you know want a bit of foreplay want a bit of this bit of that. And some people, as you've so lovely put it earlier on, probably just shove it straight in, Rosie. It's not my cup of tea at all.

God, no. No, because... God, no. No, it's just not my... Just anyway, but whatever, each to their own and all that. And I bet, I'm not being funny, I bet Fab Swingers gets so many more people joining after this. Yeah, shout out fab swingers

yeah good luck to you um you know for providing us with content to put they might not actually after this next bit so okay well there we go sorry fab singles a couple of days later when we were back at work my male friend was not feeling great and started feeling very sick oh gosh resulting in him leaving resulting in him having to leave work and see a doctor after vomiting multiple times. Okay. He was also complaining of significant pain in his balls. I didn't expect balls to come into that sentence. Did you not?

So it just barreled in there. So he's got sore balls and he's vomiting. But it was like, doctor, vomiting, significant pain. I imagined testicles would come up there, but balls just came barrelling in. The doctor examined him and diagnosed him with a ball infection from too much sharing. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Shall I say testicle instead?

No, no, don't. It just sounds like something a child would say. Oh yeah, like I hurt me ball and so I got a ball infection. Like a teenager. Yeah. I bet your dad's got a ball infection. He's got a ball infection.

Yeah, so he didn't admit to the doctor that he'd been shagging multiple women all weekend at a swingers party, but instead insisted he had just had vigorous sex with his girlfriend. My friend had to then have a week off work to recover from his ball infection. Right.

That night is still talked about at the club and has gone down in the club's history as the latest ever that people were still at it. Jesus Christ.

Hey, listen. Everyone. Be part of our club. Everyone had a ball. Oh. Yeah. That's why he's going on tour, ladies and gentlemen.

That's why he's going on tour, ladies and gentlemen. Well done. Some tickets still available. Most sold out. Especially the first few done some tickets still available most sold out especially the first few but some tickets still available yeah great

so there we go so if you're going to go on fab swingers just stop shagging at about three yeah yeah knock off at four

yeah knock off at four the latest bed by four lights out by quarter past four yeah then you're sorted it'll have been them last couple

that's really tipped them over into the ball infection I just I can't get my head around ball infection. It sounds so simplistic. It takes a lot. It must take a lot to get in. Do you understand what I'm saying though? It just sounds so simplistic.

Yeah, yeah, ball infection. Like, I've got a bad arm. Arm infection. It's not a specific... Do you understand what I'm saying? It's not a specific illness. It just sounds like someone's made it up. Has he caught it?

Or is it from excessive kind of whacking? Do you know what mean oh ball slappage but like what undercarriage ball whacking yeah oh whack a ball do you understand what i mean by ball infection like not really because to me it sounds simplistic yeah but it just sounds so yeah like that's good do you think oh i've got it oh i've got a bad head oh head infection do you think the door do you think the doctor's actually said you've got a I've got a bad head head infection do you think the doctor has actually said you've got a ball infection

I don't think he saw a doctor I think he went back to the swingers club I think he went back to the swingers club

and I think he stayed there for another week because he's a dirty sex addict do you think one of the lasses he's been

shagging has been like I am a doctor let's play doctor as a nurse and he's actually took it seriously have a look at

your balls mate for your ball infection awful babadoo babadoo babadoo dear Rosie Chris dear Rosie Chris He's played doctor as a nurse and he's actually took it seriously. Have a look at your balls, mate, for your ball infection. Awful. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Dear Rosie Chris. Dear Rosie Chris. Dear Rosie and Chris.

We've just come as one person now. Rosie Chris. Me and my now husband had my mum and dad round one night for a meal. I made steaks. Lovely. Lovely. Bit of a tricky thing to make at home,

but nice. But you don't, don't you? It's a piece of piss. Hot skillet done true how it's just

if I had people around no but if I had people around for dinner I wouldn't be like I'm going to make us all steaks because then you've got to go have you ever

listen no have you ever seen come down with me when they make steaks and they go what do you want rare what do you want medium

what do you want well done and then they go in the kitchen and they go I can't remember what everyone is saying. Go back and ask them again. So I'm just going to cook them all the time. Go back and ask them again. No, I know, but it's just complicated.

People make steaks in the fucking garden. It's easy. Oh, yeah. You. You need to just get off my back. One of the easiest things. All right, if she'd said beef wellington from scratch, I'd go. That would be easier.

You fucking do it. You've got to roll it round in pastry and all kinds. You're a maniac. Coming from a non-chef, it That would be easier. You fucking told me you were going to roll it around in pastry and all kind of, you're a maniac. Coming from a non-chef, it would actually be easier. All right. Because you'd only cook it one way for everyone.

Okay, okay. I'll tell you what. What? I fancy beef Wellington. I just fancy not one of. You know I will. All right, then we'll have a beef Wellington

tonight. Right, amazing. You can go to the shops and get everything. Oh, hey. I didn't say that. I did not say that. Listen, she's making steaks.

Right. After the meal, my dad nipped up to our bathroom to floss his teeth. In someone else's house? Well, it's our dad, isn't it? Howare. What? You know. Okay.

The things that our parents do in our house. Yeah, but... They practically bloody live here. That's just funny. Right. No, but he's got steak in his teeth. Did he take his floss with him or did he use her floss? Dunno.

We were all having a good drink and my dad and husband were drinking the same brand of lager. Sometime later, my husband starts gagging and choking on something and to my horror, starts pulling what looks like wire out of the back of his throat. Duh! And never ending wire. I just stare at him thinking, what the fuck? Only to hear my dad shouting, no, no, no!

Once he has removed said never-ending wire from his throat, we all realise that it is in fact dental floss. My dad's used dental floss. Why was it in the can? My dad had flossed his teeth upstairs and in his eagerness to get back downstairs, carried on flossing

as he came down into the living room. Upon reaching the living room he dumped the floss in the dregs of his lager can only for my husband to swoop on by and have a swig of it. That.

Oh, again, it's different things. Like, I remember the famous fishbowl incident with the two bits of... With the phlegm. Yeah, and everyone got really upset by it

and I couldn't understand why. Yeah. That has really upset me. You wouldn't want to drink for the rest of the night or you'd be like i can't to the point of where i don't know after i listen to that i don't know if i'm gonna be able to drink out of a can ever again really like honestly okay sorry i feel like i could be sick it's a simple mistake i didn't make first of all stay away from the can I found it weird that the dad went upstairs to floss his teeth I didn't find that weird

I find it even weirder that he's flossing while walking down the stairs just flicking shrapnel from in between his teeth all over the paintings and posters and wallpaper and pictures dirty swine. That is true.

Well, what's this on here? Oh, it's a bit of me dad's teeth gristle. Minger. So he wants locked up. He's just having a good night. And then he puts it in a can and leaves that can there. And this...

It's a thing that happens. I'm fucking gagging here. No, but it is a thing that happens because as an ex-smoker, I know this sounds ridiculous, but as an ex-smoker, you put tab ends in the can. I used to have a routine about that.

People just put things in the bottom of the drink. It's a thing that happens. I used to have a routine about that when I was at a party once. I don't know if I've ever said it on here before. I was at a party once. It was like a school. Everyone had sort of left school, but then some of the hard chavs from the school had came to this party and were all kind of mixing.

It was like they were the villains in a pantomime, but the pantom came to this point, more kind of mix. And it was almost like, it was like they were the villains in a pantomime, but the pantomime was now over. So we're all just drinking together. So these chavs who you wouldn't, these like, you know, my school was a little bit rough and ready.

And there was this guy and he had two cans of Fosters and he had a joint in one hand as well. Yeah. And he had, so in his right hand, he had the can, full can and joint and fingers and he's drinking and he's smoking that. so in his right hand, he had the can, full can, and joint and fingers. And he's drinking and he's smoking that.

And in the left hand, he had a can with dregs that he was using to flick the ash in. Yes. And he's talking and he's telling stories and he's drinking

and he's there. And he got them mixed up. And it was like silence just fell. Anyone who's seen his Do Me Stand Up in the early days, you'll have heard this story.

Silence fell over all of us as we were just looking and going, oh my fucking God, he's going's gonna drink that can because he nearly did it a couple of times and then he did it he's like so then right i was on the bus right and this fucking lad thought it was hard and he just started drinking there and we saw like the black run out the side of his mouth and he put it back down and we all just stared at it and he went and he looked that way and he went what and we looked at me and he went, what? And we were all staring and out of silence,

I went, you've, just drunk an ashtray. You've just drank out of the other can. Yeah. And he looked us dead in the fucking face.

I can't believe I haven't told you this. Yeah. Styled it out in the best way I've ever heard anyone style anything out. He looked us dead in the face

and he went, no, ash gets you more pissed. Oh. Oh. And then he continued to drink up his other can that's that is pure shield styled it out so good no ash gets you more pissed i'm surprised you didn't down the rest of the can i've got to commend him i've got to commend him have you ever smelled that yes the worst it's horrible isn't that what it's meant to make you quit smoking so you're meant to fill up a jar with

loads of like water and ashtray and like buds and all that like shit and then sniff it every time you want a cigarette you're meant to

it's a Paul remember Paul McKenna the guy like the what does he do like hypnotising yeah yeah yeah you're meant to smell it before every time you want a cigarette

it's meant to really put you off and another thing as well with the chocolate if you want to stop eating chocolate or something that you're addicted to you're meant to think of it with like a bit of shit on and like bird poo and all that and before you eat it but it's never put before yeah this is like this is like in friends where phoebe shows uh rachel a photo of ross and then slaps her. But disclaimer, it might not be in Paul McKenna. Sorry, Paul McKenna. It's another one of Rosie's half-remembered stories. Hey! Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hi Chris and Rosie, I'm a nurse and not a lot makes me gip, but this absolutely did. I can't wait to hear the story of some of the stuff we've

done on here, love. My boyfriend and i were out having a lovely sunday lunch in one of our local pubs a lady about 60 and her son looking late 30s sat on the table next to us while they were eating the lady began to choke i was watching the scene out of the corner of my eye in case i needed to step in but hoping i didn't corner of my eye like even that's so british Even though she's choking, she's not looking at her full on. She's like, I'll just,

oh, she might die. I'll just keep an eye on this. See how this pans out. Avoid eye contact. She's on her day off, for God's sake. You've still got to save someone's life. You can't go,

sorry love, honestly, if you'd have caught us in half an hour, I'd be clocking in but just die over there quietly. I'm having me Yorkshire pudding. However,

her caring son stepped in and gave her a glass of water. Okay then. No. That does not deserve a round of applause. Give his ma a glass of water.

Anyway, I don't know, I'm our best. This then resulted in the stuck food slash water shooting out of her nose and mouth

onto her plate. He then proceeded to mop the slimy food laden bile from her plate with his napkin. Oh my word, what a sentence. It is a horrible slimy food laden bile. So hold on, just to explain to everyone here, I saw she's going, she's coughing and choking and he's given her water and she's had water in the wild coffin and it just came straight back out. Yes, onto her plate. So he's mopped it up. Brilliant. To our shock,

she carried on eating. Dirty, horrible bastard. Dirty. We sat in disgusted silence looking at each other when a few minutes later, to our complete and utter horror, her son leant across the table

and started tucking into his mum's roast potatoes that had been covered in her bodily fluids. My word. My, like a baby bird. One step away from her chewing it up and spitting it in his mouth. Yeah. Some people aren't bothered by it.

No, I know. It's so weird, isn't it? But this is a bit upsetting, right, actually. Right. And listen, this person who's wrote it, and I know he didn't mean to upset us, but... Yeah. So she said,

Would you do this with your mum? We felt Chris is an absolute no and would shout, What is wrong with people? However, we thought Rosie might consider it if it was a plate of crisps.

I think you would as well. I would not! I really think you would. I'm sorry. Do you honestly, is this what people think about me that I would eat?

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. Vomit. Okay, scenario. Right. Scenario. Your mum's got a big bowl of crisps, right?

Yeah, what flavour? She's eating the crisps. What flavour, what's your favourite flavour of crisps? salt and vinegar or prawn cocktail it's a mix she's got the bowl in front of her like that

we're sitting in the house you've had three glasses of wine I've had three glasses of wine there's no shop to walk to there's no one to drive us there's no other crisps in the cupboard the only crisps are in this bowl

we are halfway through a film right am I feeling guilty about putting on weight or am I like it doesn't matter you're alright

you've been on the scales that morning you lost four pounds right brilliant favourite days but you've said you know what I'm going to be good

I don't want any crisps I don't actually want any you haven't had any but you've said I don't want any so your mum's like okay so your mum does herself this

lovely big bowl and she's and you go mam yeah I have some of this juice and she goes and it goes onto the bowl and she goes

oh god oh well everyone I can't eat them anymore and she puts the bowl to the side like that and we're sitting watching the film and there's no crisps

in the house and there's nothing going on and you've had another glass of wine and you're a little bit peckish and you think

they're not all covered in ice would you or would you not scoop some and you've had another glass of wine, and you're a little bit peckish, and you think, they're not all covered in ice. Would you or would you not scoop some crisps from the top? From the, yeah. I'd eat the ones on the bottom. There we go then. From, from,

can I just point out there, from abject horror, and mock offense, we went straight to... Well, I just scooped the wands off the top. It is me, Mum. Mark it on for now! Bab-a-doo, bab-a-doo, bab-a-doo, back.

Once again, thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Mountain Oid, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. Yes, thank you very much indeed for listening. We'll be back in your ears next week and obviously one more little plug I am back on tour as you listen to this if you listen to this on Friday

I'm at the Hackney Empire on the night but the first few dates are sold out but look there's a little poster on my Instagram telling you which ones are left and it's also

on my website chrisramseycomedy.com hopefully see you out on the road and we'll be back in your ears as I said next week have a lovely week bye

bye on the road. And we'll be back in the years, as I said, next week. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock

hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.