Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 156. Bathroom Teaspoon

Episode Date: February 25, 2022

Rosie and Chris have been nominated for the national comedy awards...and there might just be an apple sour in it if you vote. They remember what they were wearing and what they were saying at the Millennium. And Sandra's got tote bag fever.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

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at torontorock.com. Hello, you're listening to Shag My Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello! Hello, thanks for coming back! Yes, thank you so much for being here and letting us be all up in your ear canals. All up in your grill. Ear canals! Ear canals, like a cotton bud that shouldn't be there. Don't push them in. It just pushes the wax in. Don't do it.

I've been using them loads recently. In your ears? Yeah, all the time. The hell do you mean? What the hell am I saying? You're telling me this for the first time on the podcast. Well, I don't understand, because isn't it, you're not meant to put anything in smaller than your elbow? I think we've said this before.

Yeah, but like, well, what are you meant to do? Just have monkey ears all the time? Or be really flexible and have massive ears where you can just put your elbow in. The BFG. He did have big ears. He did have massive ears. He did have massive, disproportionately massive ears, as if he didn't have enough going on. I was terrified of the BFG when I was a kid, you know.

Really? Did you not think someone was just going to come in your window? It was really scary. Yeah. Well, I mean, weirdly, reading back a lot of the rolled doll books. Rolled. His name was Rolled, you know. I know.

I would just call him Roll. Roll. Yeah, everyone was Rolled. Rolled doll. Doll. It's because that second D of doll sort of, you know, swallows the first D. Yeah, yeah.

Anyway, listen. Yeah. Yeah, they're mental, the books. Some of them are absolutely mental. There's one of them, George's Marvelous Medicine. I read it to Robin the other day. Nana? Nana's a fucking dick.

I can't remember what happened in that one. Oh, Nana's just like an absolute dick. She's poisoning him. No, no. Wow. No, he poisons her. So his Nana is in the house and he's got to look after her. dick I can't remember what happened in that one oh his nana's just like an absolute dick she's poisoning him no no wow no he poisons her so his nana like is in the house

and he's got to look after her spoiler alert everyone oh shit right okay guys listen turn this off if you've never read it

to my fury I was listening to Sharkman Anointing the other day and you they gave away the engine to a fucking 50 year old book

that I've been I've been waiting to read that my whole life Chris somebody will yeah definitely anyway

right what happens in George's marvellous medicine he's er he poisons his nana yeah he makes he goes around makes all this medicine

and er it grows really tall she goes like right up into the sky right and then they do it with the chicken they do it with loads of things

and then they run out of medicine and they try and do it again and then they give one to his nan and she shrinks and disappears but is she nasty to him she's a total like I actually changed

some of the words that she says to him as I was reading them because it was absolutely horrendous and I was like I can't have Robin going and saying that

at school yeah I mean he's already loving the word stupid at the minute stupid is flying out everything is like he does it under his breath

because he knows he's not meant to say it and he'll go like, mummy, you're such a stupid little idiot. And I'll be like, right, okay,

stop that. Yesterday you said, stop singing, you stupid singer. Which I did agree with, I'll be honest with you. I didn't check him for that because that is.

We had a fallout in the car the other day. You weren't there because we're loving N Kando at the minute, right? But he only wants to sing sometimes so sometimes he'll sing

and we'll do the different parts because we've learned it and I know that he knows it. And I know he knows both parts. So sometimes we'll alternate the It was our wedding, it was our, we were getting married

and there wasn't a clown. Anyway, so we'll do that. Sometimes he won't though because he can be a right dick, right? Can I just say personally from my point of view as someone who hasn't seen Encanto

and just keeps hearing little snippets of the songs around the house from you and him awful no it's not it's really good

I imagine the whole thing's brilliant but just hearing little snippets of the songs from you and him you telling the story who am I

good point carry on I was just thinking because that's my favourite line but I shut the fuck up so we were listening

to Encanto the other day we'd been to a party and I was like I didn't sing because I can't remember why I wasn't singing

but I was clicking I was like driving clicking which is probably really dangerous but anyway I was clicking

and I just heard Robin from the back go and I went what's wrong are you alright he was like I hate it when you click I hate it he was like I hate it when you click

I hate it when you click I hate it when you click do I click all the time I don't know but I'm going to notice it now but yeah Bruno says it looks like rain what did he tell us

in doing so he clogged my brain great great great great great great great great let's carry on let's carry on

guys all of that singing aside, it is episode 156. Yes, baby. Yes. And it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. Listen the fuck up, because we need you here.

This week's sponsor is voting for us in the National Comedy Awards. Oh, nice. Okay, well done. The National Comedy Awards. Well done for not wasting, not wasting an opportunity right

yes to plug with well there we go proud of you patronising the National Comedy Awards are on again they're happening next month

I genuinely don't know when voting closes so please just go on and vote for us now in the best podcast category it would be absolutely amazing if we could win that we're going to the awards

we're actually going so I really want to win because I'm actually bothering my arse to go aye and I'll tell you right now it's in the afternoon I've got a gig on the night right if we win isn't important to win that. We're going to the awards. We're actually going so I really want to win because I'm actually bothering my arse to go. Aye. And I'll tell you right now it's in the afternoon I've got a gig on the night

right? If we win I'm going to turn up that gig fucking hammered and I'm telling you that right now and that's a promise. That's a promise to the people. Will you buy everyone

if we win a National Comedy Award will you buy everyone in the crowd a drink? Hold on. Where am I? Two seconds. Let's just quickly

work this out. I think you should. I mean, how much is that? Bed, bed, bed, corn exchange capacity. Capacity seated. I think it's about 800. Oh, right, okay. Where's my calculator?

800, let's say 850 just in case. 850, how much is a drink well 3 quid 4 4 quid right absolutely fucking not right

but listen please vote for us 3,400 quid well no what 3 and a half fucking grand for an award it is excessive

that's crazy it is excessive that's absolutely crazy but it would be nice if we won because we are going to be there but then at the same time

listen we've got to be gracious if we don't because there is other good podcasts apparently the basic thing that's annoying with podcasts

I just can't get them all tap water sorry I can't get them all tap water right why don't you just do a shot

everyone can have a shot of like do they still do apple sours what if I bought the apple sours in the supermarket yeah yeah yeah and then just go

around and let everyone out the bottle cap i'll just run around pouring it in everyone's mouths covid i'll no i'll just no i'll i'll hold it in the air like

coyote ugly yeah yeah and i'll have one of them little spouts on i'll just pour it in everyone's mouths right there you go all right i'll buy you i'll get you some

bottles all right well i might run around the crowd and pour apple sours in people's mouths in Bedford. In Bedford? Is it in Bedford? In Bedford?

Yes, it's in Bedford, Corn Exchange. Anyway, look, right, the National Comedy Awards, just Google National Comedy Awards or go to

thenationalcomedyawards.com. Skip all the other pointless categories and go straight to podcast. Vote for us. You've got to fill in the other categories as well. Skip the last category as well.

Stick your email in and then check your email and just click on the link to confirm your votes it literally takes 30 seconds, slightly longer if you're not a complete arsehole like me and you actually do vote on the other brilliant categories because there is some really good ooh, ooh are we going to schmoozees?

who am I schmoozing with? who's going to be there? who am I going to meet? who am I going to be too scared to ask for a photo with? look for it rosie looking like she's won a fucking competition to be there uh and then we can hopefully we can win and then we'll all be at the mcdonald's drive-thru walking through it on my own by the end of the night like i did the last time i went to the car is that when you got in some random girls car and she's got me she got me burger she got me burger oh so you've been in the comedy awards before right okay yeah but not

I was never nominated for anything right oh this is sick are we actually nominated like fully will it be like the nominations

the nominations yeah there's four because we were long listed so we were short listed yeah fucking hell do you even

is this even your job I don't know I've got two kids Chris I've got a lot going on so have I you do not and I do stand up that's another job so hold on so you've got kids kids Chris I've got a lot going on so have I I do stand up that's another job

so hold on so you've got kids and the podcast yeah and I've got kids and the stand up you're barely here and I do children in need

so you did it for one night in November I've got loads more jobs than you and I'm still up across this no listen at the minute

I'm you know I haven't got as much on as usual but I mean I'm still I'm flipping up to here yeah she, listen. At the minute, you know, I haven't got as much on as usual. But, I mean, I'm still up. I'm flipping up to here. Yeah. She held her hand above her head, by the way. I'm up to here.

I'm up to flipping here with jobs and tasks and... Have I? I must have told the story on the podcast about the... What? Wow. Wow. What story? When there was a kid in the street who I used to sort of... Me and him used to fight all the time

and wind each other up and that and I think one time I was like we're fighting outside and his mum I'm sure I've told you this no I don't know

his mum probably you tell us a lot of things his mum hung out with the bedroom window and shouted at us for fighting with each other and then held her hand

above her head and said I've had it up to here but because she was on the second floor hanging out the window it looked fucking like really

we were like on the second floor hanging out the window, it looked fucking like really exactly... We were like on the front lawn and we're fighting and one of them was crying or whatever. And she'd hung up the front lawn, I've had it up to here with you too. And I was like, fucking hell, her hands like...

You weren't her, but you're not her kid. But I was with her kid. But that's weird. Yeah, but we're always... Are we, man? It's South Shields. Women hang out the windows

and shout at kids all the time. Well, I can't imagine shouting at somebody else's kid, saying I'm up to here with you. Why? You didn't live on my estate. I have never lived on an estate. And do you know why? Why? Because my mum would never live on an estate.

She didn't like neighbors, did she? Because she was like, no, it's not even that, my mum. Which, I kind of get it. She was like, I'm not living on an estate and having other kids at my house all the time. And I get it. I do understand that now. Yeah.

So yes, please vote for us in the National Comedy Awards. It would be an absolute joy to win Best Podcast but obviously there are some other other brilliant

other brilliant No, there is. There is. No, they are great. Depends who flogs it more. Yeah. I might mention it every day. Ah, that's a bit much. Just because we're going. It's who flogs it more. Yeah. I might mention it every day. Ah, that's a bit much.

Just because we're going. It's just because we're going. If we weren't going, I'd probably... Yeah. Lee, listen. If you're in Bedford and you want some applesauce poured on your face by me, get voting. All your email addresses. That's all I'm saying.

I'm not going to Bedford. So we're going to the Comedy Awards in the afternoon. Yeah. And then you're going to Bedford for the gig on the night. And what am I going to do? I'm going to be drunk. Why don't you come to Bedford and pour applesau the night and what am I going to do? I'm going to be drunk. Why don't you come to Bedford and pour up a thousand miles of beer?

Absolutely not. Oh, I mean I could. No, I can't be arsed. I'll just, I'll just, I'll get drunk on my own in the hotel drunk. Drunk on my own

in the hotel drunk. Drunk on my own in the hotel drunk. Great. So there we go. Longest intro we've ever done. Happy days. Happy days.

Play that mofo-ing jingle. Weest intro we've ever done. Happy days. Happy days. Play that more foeing jingle. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed.

Hello, hello, hello. Now, very exciting for me today. Right, what? Very, very exciting. So we're recording this on the 22nd, so we're recording this on the Tuesday. It's coming out on Friday. You're not going to talk about what you told me to watch. Listen to this, guys.

Strap yourselves in, guys. Hey, hey. Christ, I'm sorry. If they even listen to this now if the world even continues because tonight it's going to be 2-2 2

2-2 and at 22 minutes past 10 it'll be 2-2 so it'll be it'll be 22-22 on the 22nd of the 2nd

22 yeah has it ever happened before oh 2011 it happened 11 how could it possibly happen to 2011

there's a fucking two in there what there's a two in there no because it would be the 11th of the

11th in 2011 oh right because there's oh I suppose there's a zero for two all right okay fair enough

I was thinking all right I'm wrong I was thinking it had to be all twos but there's zeros in this one there's one zero

in this so you're wrong there's two zeros there's a zero at the beginning of the February one as well. You're probably having to wait another 200 years. So up yours. Rosie, I want the world to end tonight.

No. Do you know I used to believe stuff like that? Oh, yeah. All the time. Can I remember at school, man, in comprehensive school, every other day someone told you that they'd seen a thing where the world was going to end. You heard the world's going to end. 11 o time. Oh, every, can I remember at school, man, in comprehensive school, every other day, someone told you that they'd seen a thing where the world was going to,

you heard the world's going to end. 11 o'clock at night, you know, the world's going to end. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I'd be 10.59, shit me pants. Have I never told you

about Millennium, the Millennium? Right. Was it a party with me mum and dad? I was there, yeah, yeah. So yeah, we went to the Millennium party

with me mum and dad and went to a friend's house and everyone was waiting for the Millennium and I was worried that the world was going to end at midnight and I genuinely said with my mum and dad and went to a friend's house and uh everyone was waiting for the millennium um and i and i was worried that the world was gonna end at midnight and i genuinely said i can't believe i'm telling you this you are not gonna i can't believe i haven't told you this right and i can't actually believe i'm telling you it no come on because i don't know if i'm ever gonna live this down but genuinely so hang on it's millennium the

first of all i was worried about the millennium everyone come on then first of all I was worried about the millennium bug but then again I did think that all the banks doors were going to just open

and you could run in and take money what how did you know all of this information because I'm a worrier that's what I did right I know

but there was no internet then yeah I know but the millennium bug was in the news it was like all computers are going to crash

because they're not used to going to zero right okay yeah yeah so I was like one the banks are going to open and all the planes are going to fall out of the sky microsoft word will be down yeah yeah i'm a bit like going msp and do circles and then fill them in different colors um what did you say to your mom so five minutes to midnight i said to my mom i was 13 i wish i was younger but i was I turn up to my mum at five minutes to midnight and I say,

Mum, if the world ends, I just want you to know I love you. Ah! Oh, you little lover. Little mammy's boy. What did you say? I think she was really happy about it

I think she gave us a big cuddle in that did you not then send your mam into a frenzy probably that's how I can imagine she'd go

what do you mean what do you mean what are you worried about son what are you worried about and then you go well it's the millennium she'd go well what do you mean

the millennium and you go well the millennium bug and all and she'd go hey Bill she probably had five minutes of shit

in her pants yeah I love it and then I had three Iron Brew WKDs yeah and I was sick well I was drunk

on Millennium as well well I think I think parents just went fuck it it's like I remember we had a party

at our house if you talk about your nana going down the stairs on a beanbag she went down the stairs on the beanbag babadoo babadoo babadoo heard it three times.

I had a boob tube on, right? But it was like... You. Horsey. You disgusting. You tiny little prostitute. So, I didn't have any boobs. But it was when the Spice Girls were dead popular.

And it was literally just a tiny little boob tube. And I had combat pants on. And I got drunk as well. Sounds like your family would let children wear stuff like that. Of course. I got drunk because I think it was just like, who gives a shit? It's the millennium.

And then there was loads of fireworks. Yeah, yeah. So it was really good fun. It was a proper free for all night. I remember just being like, I don't think my mum and dad give a shit. They were like, just do what you want. And I just did.

Wow. So yeah. And we all made it. And we're here. And we're still here. And I was't think my mum and dad gave a shit. They were like, just do what you want. And I just did. Wow. So yeah. And we all made it. And we're here. And we're still here. And I was so thankful. I couldn't believe it. Here's a question.

If you had an option of the world ending tonight at 22.22 on the 22nd of the 2nd. So 20 past 10. 22 minutes past 10. Yeah. If you had an option of the world ending, right? Everything just disappearing. Or just you dying. Which one would you pick? so 20 past 10 22 minutes past 10 right if you had an option of the world ending right everything just disappearing or just you dying

which one would you pick see because I I'd pick the whole world me just so I know I'm not missing anything is that selfish is that really bad I'd be like

oh no yeah well I can't yeah no sort of yeah yeah yeah I'm not going I'm not missing out what's going to happen it's just getting good now again

well no because then I think of the kids but so you know since that tree came down yeah in our house yeah

every time it's windy like all the kids are in our bed yeah because I'm like well if one of us we all die brilliant

that's lovely I know that's always my thought what's that weird since I've become a parent when I'm going on the plane on my own I'm a lot more worried

my whole family I'm like well if we. My whole family, I'm like, well, if we're going... We'll all go. We'll take this whole ship down with us if we're all going to go. I know it's a bit morose, but you do think of that as a parent. Of course you do.

I don't want to leave them on their own. I don't want them to have to... No. If I die, I want them to die with me. Go on, finish the sentence. That'll be it. Tabloids, I'll pick that up. That'll be fucking juicy. That'll be lovely. Couple of clicks. You're welcome for the clicks. Tabloids will pick that up. That'll be fucking juicy.

That'll be lovely. Couple of clicks. You're welcome for the clicks. You're welcome. You're welcome. ShagmanNoah.com I did something extremely exciting in the beginning of this week.

Okay. Yeah, well, you know. The beginning of this week, what did you do? I booked to go to Disney. Oh, shit. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But without you.

Yeah. So I'm really sorry about that. That's good. Yeah. So I'm in two minds about it I don't know, well there's part of us that's just like oh I'm going to miss the kids well no because I'm like I'm going to miss the kids

at Disney, I'm going to be like oh my god it's Mickey Mouse and that and Ralph will be like getting forced with Goofy and stuff there is part of us that's like oh god I'm going to miss that but then I'm like I'm out of it for it then all you've got to think about is the trudging round.

Trudging round. If it rains. Yeah. You know, constantly being asked if they can buy things. Yeah. Snacks.

Just being anywhere with a child. Yeah, yeah. Then there's the night time where me and my mum are going to have to sit in silence for an hour while they go to sleep.

Yeah, yeah. So, you know, it's not, it's going to be good but at the same time it's an absolute chew on

you've got the flight with the baby and all that shit and so I mean I'm looking I am genuinely looking forward to it I've never been no mania

I think I'm going to be more excited than the kids yeah oh something else so I bought the kids loads of clothes like Disney clothes yeah

because I was just like right I don't give a shit I'm just proper they're going to have everything right for Disney rank you know what I mean and uh i was gonna buy me my mom loads of disney clothes right and i was gonna surprise her but then the other day the stuff for the kids came and i was like mom i'm gonna get us disney clothes she was like no i was like no i was like no just like a jumper or something she was like absolutely not so i'm gonna fucking full of it

right do you know what it is that's the thing one should wear because she'll have fun sorry No, I was like, no, just like a jumper or something. She was like, absolutely not. She's fucking full of it, right? Do you know what it is? That's the thing. One, she'd wear it because she'll have out fun out. Sorry, my mum's coming, by the way. I didn't say that. Yeah, of course. She'll have out fun out.

But do you know what? Your mum will, you know what your mum will accept? What? Anytime, any place, no matter how many she's got or no matter what logo is on it. What? A fucking tote bag. Oh, she loves a tote bag. Your mum has never said no

to a tote bag the whole time I've known her she really uses them though you know I've known her you could literally you could get a tote bag

with a photo of someone's hairy arsehole on a tote bag she'd go I know brother and she'd be walking to the shops with a big hairy arsehole hanging off her shoulder

I'm telling you she's got tote bag fever I've known nothing like it but to be fair in her defence right I'm telling you she's got tote bag fever I've known nothing like it but to be fair in her defence right I mean she

you know how everyone recycles their carrier bags and that now she's been doing that for years that's what she uses tote bags for

she's always been using them for like shopping to go to the swimming bath and that she hasn't got like a proper bag

can you remember so for my merch back in the day for my stand up shows I used to do merch after I went to do a signing and all that but I just

genuinely can't be arsed now that's easy I'm joking the venues are too big it takes too long COVID I'll use COVID as an excuse because everyone else

uses it as an excuse for everything so tote bags I used to do tote bags can you remember I put one because I've talked about on our live show

I can't give anything to a charity shop it's got to go via your nana's house because your family are the Wombles well because I can't give anything to a charity shop it's got to go via your nana's house because your family are the Wombles well because my nana's friend owned a charity shop

or worked in a charity shop I don't think she owns it I've never seen it I still don't believe it no it's for cats it's like a cattery one it's just because what

it's just the way you said it it sounded like cats are the exclusive customers of the place it's for cats the only customers are cats they come in sometimes they take stuff just to scratch or sometimes if it's for cats only customers are cats they come in

sometimes they take stuff just to scratch or sometimes if it's small enough they'll wear it you got any nice shoes in Barbara no I need four I put one of my tote bags

in the charity bag once because I didn't you know I can't it was left over from I think I got it as a sample and I can't walk around with my own tote bag and somehow it slipped through the net and your mum didn't use it.

Can you remember what your nana did? Can you remember this? She made it into a peg bag. She made it into a peg bag from your washing line. So now, now, I'm not the guy who walks around with his own tote bag on his shoulder. Now the neighbours look at the garden and go, look at that fucking arrogant prick

with his own face on his peg bag, the twat. I mean, I used it because why not yeah she's extremely talented is our Bridget little peg bag then a bird shat on it and I had to throw it away

yeah sad time sorry to bring the mood down sorry I've actually got a I didn't give this to my mum because I was quite chuffed with it do you remember when we got a Wagamamas

do you remember do you remember when we got a Wagamamas do you remember that day when we got a Wagamama's to the arena do you remember when we got a Wagamama's do you remember that day when we got a Wagamama's once do you remember that one day well listen we got it delivered to the arena

yeah in Newcastle was it Newcastle Arena I can't remember it was one of the arenas when we got it delivered and they give us a free tote bag and I was like do they know it's us anyway I've kept it she's not getting that one because I was quite chuffed with that you've got a give us a free tote bag and I was like do they know it's us anyway I've kept it she's not getting

that one because I was quite chuffed with that you've got a Wagamama's tote bag amazing

I didn't know about that and a Graham Norton one she's not getting that she's not taking that to the

bloody swimming baths it'll be within two years she'll have both of them I guarantee it no I'm keeping

them whatever she'll have them she's got her ways she's got her wily ways well did I tell you I think she's stealing you did say you what she's got her ways she's got her wily ways well i did i tell you

i think she's stealing you did say you think she's stealing so this is a new i forgot about this this is a new development in our life the other day you claimed that your mom's stealing from you so what's happening right there's a few things i can't find two jumpers right and i'm just like where are them jumpers right i haven't fully't fully looked, but I'm just, you know, surface level. I'm like, where's them jumpers? Yes. And they're quite new ones and they're quite nice. Yes.

I mean, she's a lot smaller than me, so I'm kind of like, they would swamp her, but she likes bigger clothes. Anyway, that's by the by. I went to her house. Jumping thief. I've lost my new iPad charger. The iPad you got me for Christmas? Yes.

I've lost the charger. It's one of them new fangled ones where the plug like comes out of the thing. Do you know what I mean? Yes. I've lost the charger. It's one of them newfangled ones where the plug, like, comes out of the thing. Okay. Do you know what I mean? Yeah. Anyway, lost it. Right. Went to my mum's house.

She got two. Right. And I was like, how have you got two of these? And she said it was for her phone and a new iPad, because she got an iPad as well. Right. And I was like, I think you're, I think you're bullshitting. Okay. I think she's lying.

I think she's took mine. Yep. And now she's got two and she won't admit that it's mine. You know, there we go. We've got the bottom of it. That's why she's always got a tote bag. You can't see what's in a tote bag. She's stealing.

They're not see-through. She's actually stealing from me. They're not see-through, right? We need to confiscate all her tote bags and give her clear bags. Like when you're getting on a plane. Or duty free. Like in the metro station yeah

clear bags yeah like what they've got for the bins and train stations clear bags only when she's leaving this house and I'll search her car we'll get to the bottom of this

she's got me charger greedy little twat I want it back honestly what should I do I reckon you should I reckon you should probably punch her that's that

no questions like no honestly seriously you've got to get your respect back here like you know she's still viewing as a child you know when you watch a

like a drama or a movie and someone goes to prison and they go straight in and they just hit the biggest guy in the dinner yard do that just smack her you know we have slapped each other before

no what you and your mum have slapped each other I was joking oh my god top of the stairs aye top of the stairs I think I mum have slapped each other? I was joking. Oh, my God. Top of the stairs. Top of the stairs. I think I was about 13 or 14.

And I was a very cheeky little arsehole. What a dangerous place to be exchanging slaps. It was on the landing. So it was, you know, when you go up the stairs and there's a little landing and there's an off shot of stairs as well. It was there, right? She slapped me. And so I slapped her back.

And then I got like hauled to my bedroom. Wow. I have pure fisticuffs, me and Sandra. Wow her back and then and then i got like hold in my bedroom wow pure fisticuffs me and sandra wow yeah good times just the way you said it is like you specifically went to the top of the stairs just like i'm sticking here i'm sticking here would you want to slap would you want to slap do you to the slapping platform top of the stairs gladiators right that's enough off a slapping platform he honestly

parent ready cheeky teenager ready aye scum utter scum you you and your family

scum listen it made us the person I am today. And you know how close we are. Oh, yeah, yeah. Even though she's stealing others' feelings. Yeah, even though she's a thief. But I think she's actually convinced herself that it's hers.

That's what Kleptomaniacs do. Yeah, I know. Yeah. Yeah. Walking around with jumpers with Rosie written on. It's mine. I am Rosie. It's my name.

Did you see? I'm going to say it to you, right? Okay. Because you only got home yesterday. Uh-huh. It's my name. Did you see? I'm going to say it to you, right? Okay. Because you only got home yesterday. You won't have seen it. She brought... I can't even... She brought...

Right. A tube of toothpaste, right? She must have brought it. Oh, my God. I saw it. It's like a borrower's... What is going on? It's the smallest tube of toothpaste.

I didn't know what was going on there what size is what is that the size of so yesterday when i got back it was on the bench in the kitchen so she brought that tube of colgate from home but it was i'm not no word of a lie here it was less than an inch long yeah um it was smaller than a pen lid it was smaller than a biro lid yes it was about the size of you know a biro lid you know the bit that comes off the biro lid the spiky bit that you chew biro lid. Yes. It was about the size of, you know, a biro lid. You know the bit that comes off the biro lid, the spiky bit that you can chew while that goes over your pocket. It was about the size of that small bit.

Where has she got that from? I've got no idea. And why has she brought it? It was on the bench. I was like, I thought it was a toy. I thought it was one of the kids. Your mum brought that and brushed her teeth. Well, Chris, I didn't bring it from anywhere.

You could barely get one squeeze out of there. But it was empty. What's a toothbrush? A fucking mascara pen what your mom is nuts i know yeah i know honestly but listen i can't wait to see her in all her disney get up yeah i'm gonna get honestly i'm going mental yeah full disney gear full he has the lot yeah yeah no just like a tracksuit or something like a disney tracksuit yeah and then i'm gonna get with some Jarmaz as well.

Brilliant. I'm going mental. All right, well, I look forward to that. I look forward to that. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girlallenge.ca. is the most terrifying 666 is the mark of the devil movie of the year the first omen in theaters friday get tickets now rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now

for fan appreciation night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game. And you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. So, very exciting thing well no do you know what oh look at all this exciting stuff it wasn't i used the wrong word it was disappointing the complete opposite i went fully wrong yeah sorry everyone everyone listening dial back your expectations because it wasn't exciting. It was really disappointing.

I'm like, ooh, what's happened? So disappointing. So ever the, you know, I'm ever the pioneer, right? I'm ever the gracious gentleman. I'm always ready to admit that I'm wrong. I'm always ready to learn new things and try new things. Absolute bollocks. I am.

Yesterday, you were having a jack of potato for your lunch. Now, you have them all the time, right? And my tour manager currently has them all the time. And my other tour manager bangs on about them as well. They love them, right? Lush. So I decided yesterday, I literally went, right, I'll have, go on then, I'll have a jack of potato. I couldn't finish it yeah

they are honestly i know we've talked about this before but everyone out there eating jack potatoes you you you don't deserve taste buds right can we just you forgot to put butter on right which is ridiculous well right no first of all i'm not having this in my defense in my defense you did it and then just left this hot fucking stone right on the on the plate that looked like one of them hot stone massage things you put on people's backs yeah that was sitting there and you went go on then you do it and i went well what do i do and you went oh god man you just do it just put your stuff on so i put the beans on i put the cheese on and then you went why have you not put butter on and i went well you didn't say to put butter on just how i'm sorry you're 35 years old how do you not know to put butter on a hot potato

Because I don't Fucking eat them you dick I don't eat them I'm sorry right but there's certain things that I don't eat But I would know that that goes on a certain thing Nah What do you do when it says seasoned food That's salt and pepper

Salt and pepper Because it's butter It's the most basic food in the world You put butter on hot stuff You put butter on hot stuff But that's salt and pepper. Salt and pepper. Because it's butter. It's the most basic food in the world. You put butter on hot stuff. You put butter on hot stuff. All right. Do you hide butter on a bowl of spaghetti bolognese?

It would be bloody gorgeous. Shut up. It would be absolutely lush. You can put butter on pasta. Right, yeah. Pasta with butter. Oh, Jesus, yes. You can, but it's not.

Go on, do another one. I didn't know that was the rule. A pizza. Yeah, people do. Garlic butter. Garlic butter. You're changing. Go on, do another one. I didn't know that was the rule. A pizza. Yeah, people do. Garlic butter. Garlic butter. You're changing. You're moving the goalposts now.

Rice pudding. A bowl of rice pudding. Fair enough. Shut up then. You picked the worst toppings for one. No disrespect. Cheese and beans. Everyone bangs on about cheese and beans.

It's amazing. It's one of the worst textures that's ever happened. It's just a relentless mouthful of sludge. There is nothing good to it. There is no redeeming features. Your beans are ruined by it because the texture of the bean, it's almost like loads of tiny beans on a giant bean. It's just non-stop.

Squidge. Personally, I think you've chosen really bad god really bad you should have just had cheese or tuna or well I had prawns

and I was like have a try of this and you were like I don't like cold prawns I don't like cold prawns well listen you're not worth you're not worthy

of a jack of potatoes I'm not worthy of a jack of potatoes you know what I have flippin love with me I might have another one I'm never I'm never gonna to let this down.

It was just horrible. Don't eat them. Nobody cares. Nobody cares what you like and what you don't like. I've read some buttons on about them, and I feel like everyone's wrong. Chris, can I tell you right now? I feel like I should fix this.

I don't really like pizza. Well, yeah. I find pizza completely overrated. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I find it really shit. Yeah, yeah, I've heard that. I've heard that again and again from you and your mum. There you go.

It's your favourite drum to bang. Yet, when I cut meself a full pizza from the oven, what fucking disappears into you and your mam's faces? A couple of slices each. And do you know what I'd never do off you? Take a spoonful of your manky fucking flavourless, just absolutely revolting jack of potatoes. Listen, I like your slice.

I just can't wait for the word. Oh, good, great, great. Yeah. Yeah. No, it was just no texture. It was no difference in texture. All right, man, all right. Nobody cares.

Good for you. It was like, it was what I imagined. Oh, stop, man. Bob, stop. It was what I imagined it must be like, eating like a cloud, but not a good cloud, like a storm cloud. God, it was awful. Great, great. I hated it.

Good, lovely. Cut it on. Ban all potatoes. Let's start a petition now to ban all jack potatoes. Takes an hour to do it as well. Pointless. No, it doesn't. We've got the microwave ones.

Yeah, but if you want to do one, now with the other ones, haven't we? I've seen them, man. When I was at uni, man. Can we stop talking about jack potatoes? Nah, I'm still angry. When I was at uni, they had a big stop talking about Japanese potatoes? Nah, I'm still angry. When I was at uni, they had a big jack of potato thing

at the back of the canteen. It was like a big fucking, it was a bit like a glass version of that thing on Home Alone that shouts at them. Yeah, and it was like, and everyone would come up,

I'd put their balls on the counter and go, fucking yeah, go on and have one of them. What do you want on it? What do you want on it? As much stuff to cover up

how shit the potato is? Go on then, I'll pile all this fucking shit on. I sometimes have a salad with a plain jack of potatoes with butter on the side. Prison, prison, prison, prison, prison, prison. I bet you they do them in prison, to be fair. Oh, stop. I bet you they do them in prison.

Can we stop? Makes sense, that. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Lady's first because I've just had a whinge about potatoes.

I know you have, yes. I will go first. So, you listening might not be able to resonate with this if you don't have a partner who works away. I'm going to make it short and sweet.

So, you are currently working away. Grafton, Grafton. You, I don't know if this is just your personality or because you're working away i think it's a mixture of both right well can i just say no no you can't it's my turn yeah i know what i just want to momentarily interject with um if it's any of your beefs with me my personality is normally the main problem yeah obviously obviously which not many people will resonate with anyway because because you're a very individual individual.

Yes. I'm a special boy. The problem is you keep coming home and you find things and you go, what have you been doing with that? Okay. Wise that out. What have you been doing this for? And I just want to tell you right now, Chris,

do you know when you're not here? Life carries on. And I live here and I use stuff and I do you understand what I'm saying oh I understand no

no you'll come back and there'll be like a battery out and you'll go what have you been doing with this and you'll be like if it was a battery

that is going into something or has been used for something or the little the little lovely Halifax thing that you the only toolkit that you own the Halifax toolkit how dare you I've got a massive toolkit downstairs don't you ever anyway the little Halifax thing, the only toolkit we own.

The Halifax toolkit. How dare you? I've got a massive toolkit downstairs. All right, fair enough. Don't you ever. Anyway, the little Halifax one that you get when you get your mortgage. Thank you, Halifax. It's lovely. That toolkit was out, and I haven't had a chance to put it back in the drawer.

And you're like, what have you been doing with that? And I'm like, why do you care? Yeah, okay. In my defense, I'm just going to cut through all the bollocks that you've just said there. So I didn't ask what about that toolkit. You did. It was a secondary question. The first question I asked was the fact

that there was a fucking one-inch bolt on the mantelpiece, a big massive metal one-inch bolt on the mantelpiece next to it. I put that telebracket up with one-inch bolts. Oh. You didn't say it. Well, why don't you finish the sentence then?

Because I looked and I went, why is that bolt there? Yeah. And you went, oh, oh, life goes on when you're not here. Robin found it outside. And I went, right, okay, that's good because the toolkit's right next to it.

Why is the toolkit there? I was doing so... Right, because my immediate thought was, why the actual fuck is one of the bolts on the telly come off the wall? Why didn't you explain that? Because you were too busy being a martyr and telling me that life goes on when i'm not here and i'll tell you right now because life might go on but i'm telling you i don't know what kind of fucking life it is because i came in

the other night and i wasn't going to mention this but you've teed us up for it i came in the other night and i walked into the other bathroom i brushed my teeth not our en suite because i didn't want to wake you and robin up i walked into the bathroom, right? I was brushing my teeth. The bath was full of cold water and floating in the bath were a pair of Robin's kegs. A pair of Robin's Batman underpants were floating in the bath and sometimes I just look around and I think,

what fucking happens when I'm not here? Because I leave and it turns into the fucking Wild West. There's underpants floating in cold bath water. There's fucking orange bolts on mantelpieces. I don't know what the hell's going on. What were you doing in there? I didn't even know we were in there.

The other day, the other day, we've got two boys. We've got two boys. The other day, I opened the sitting room door and lit by the sunlight behind it in the middle of the sitting room was a little tiny pink girl's pram with a little doll in it

like a fucking horror film I went who what the fuck's this you'd have bought it for someone and they hadn't talked with them

but you left it in the middle of the sitting room I bought it because my friend's Steph's little girls came and stayed but also Robin used to love

playing with the pram I had a pram for Robin that he had at his nana's house but then it was at our house I think it's nice for boys to have

a little push to push around so that's why it's here but yes I probably shouldn't have left it in the middle of the room. And the kegs shouldn't have been floating in the bath.

I don't know why, I can't remember him having kegs on in the bath. Unbelievable, man. It honestly turns into a fucking... Chris, it's carnage, man. The minute I leave, it turns into a lawless wasteland.

I know, but I'm sorry. I'm here on my own with two kids. It's carnage. I didn't know he can, as long as he's in a bath, I don't care if he's got his full fucking set of clothes on.

Floating there. Floating there like you've melted. Honestly. I don't like it. I don't think you should have a beef now because I feel like you've ganged up on us

with yourself. But honestly, genuinely, my beef is going to be them underpants but I was worried that I'd see it and you'd be like,

you're a weirdo. Kicking right off. So there you go. My beef with you, I do have a beef with off. So there you go. My beef with you, I do have a beef with you. I'm not bothered. My beef with you this week is just a short, sweet one.

Last night, I put Robin to bed. I came back downstairs. I was a little bit peckish. I was a little bit peckish. We'd had our tea early. We'd done the thing of having tea early.

I turned to you and you said, I've got you a little snack. And for a moment, I was like, oh my God, I was really excited. You pointed to the little foot puffy in front of you

where there was a pile of your toenails. And you went, there, there's your snack. And I honestly, I like, I like, like I heaved a little bit at the idea of eating your toenails, but you just left them on there and they stayed there the whole time you watched telly. I put them on the plate. Oh, sorry, you put them on the plate. Oh, there we go.

I put them on the plate. Of all of the toenail stuff we've been discussing on this podcast, you massive hypocrite. Well, I know. Yeah.

No. I've got no defence. I just had to cut my nails but I was watching a really good drama so I wanted to watch that at the same time. Brilliant.

Brilliant. Squeezing it all in. Right, shall we carry on? Yeah. If we must. It's time for questions it all in. Right, shall we carry on? If we must. It's time for Questions from the Public.

Questions from the Public. Public. Public. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, it is shaggedmarriedanoid at gmail.com. Thank you in advance

and thank you if you've already sent something. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Loved seeing you guys in Liverpool last year. Can't wait for Smart Tour number two. Nothing's been announced yet, but yeah, wishful thinking. Loved seeing you guys in Liverpool last year. Can't wait for Smart Tour number two. Oh.

Nothing's been announced yet, but yeah, wishful thinking. Yay. You never know. Also seeing Chris 2022 at the day in Crewe. Oh, that was Sunday, just gone. Which we're very excited about. So in episode 155, Chris mentioned not knowing which lucrative sponsor that he had and hadn't got in touch in the past.

So I went through and made a list. Shut up. Thanks for the brilliant podcast, guys, and thanks to the people behind the scenes too. And this lovely lady called, hang on a minute, what's her name? Fuck off. Charlie. She has gone through all of the podcast sponsors

from day dot until episode 155. Oh my God. Look at that, can you see it? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Oh, my God. Look at that. Can you see it? Yeah. Yeah. Wow. Tell us a number.

Ask us a week number. 100. Week 100 was, it could always be worse. Right. Which I don't know what that means. 50. 50 was, let me see. A full cooked chicken.

Wow. 75. cooked chicken. Wow. 75. Oh. Tea towels. Yay! Oh, my God. I can't believe that. Thank you, Charlie.

Isn't that really lush? Oh, thank you so much. Haven't people got loads of time? Yeah. Fucking, how jealous am I? How, what, Rosie, my first thought was, fucking hell, she's got some fucking time on her hands. I'm jealous. Very sweet, but lots of time.

Thank you so much. That's brilliant. Should we get it framed? No. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Hope you're both well. I have a Rosie's mystery for you. Oh, yes.

I haven't done any of this. I'm so unprepared. I scan these, you know, so I'm not very properly read it anyway. Me and my partner were talking about food after looking at the Rate My Plate Facebook page. Rate My Plate? So I think people put their dinners on

and then people rate them, but some of them are horrific. Right, okay. Some of them are deliberately bad and some of them are good. And it's a Facebook page? Yeah. I don't have Facebook,

but I'd quite like to see that. There was a picture of a meal that some woman had cooked her husband and it was hideous. And in the comments, someone had said, he I'd quite like to see that. There was a picture of a meal that some woman had cooked her husband, and it was hideous. In the comments, someone had said, he must have had an affair. Jesus. And I think I remember saying this.

I think it was like, cook my husband, and it was like oven chips and a couple of fish fingers and beans. Like, you're about to put our kids to sleep. But anyway, she was like buzzing with it. I know. This brought back a hilarious memory I had almost forgotten. Okay. Many years ago, I used to work in a well-known clothing factory in the North East.

Okay. That's good because it doesn't really narrow it down, but it's vague enough. Yes. Okay. I'm intrigued, Rosie. One of the girls told me that someone in the office had found out her husband was having an affair, but she was still living with him him pretending that she didn't know. Fuck.

That's cold. That's dark. Even making his lunches for work every day. Oh no. I don't know how she could carry on without saying anything but she was and she was getting her own little daily revenge.

Oh God, what was she putting in? Every day when she made his sandwiches she wiped the bread on. What? Oh, man alive. So the husband's having an affair. The wife knows, still living with him, still making his dinner. But every day when she makes his sandwiches, she wipes the bread on.

Oh, God. Right. So it's got to be something in the kitchen, because you can't be making a sandwich and then carrying the bread out to the fucking, you know what I mean? The local park and wiping it on the bins. No.

Wipes the bread on. What is she going to wipe it on? So it's got to be revenge. Can't it be the kitchen floor? I'm thinking pets. Something to do with pets. No. I don't. What are you wiping on? The bin? The kitchen bin?

Is that what you're going for? Toilet. Toilet. The toilet next to the kitchen wipes around the toilet rim. No, but good. She is actually wiping it on the dog's arse. I should have wiped pets. Fuck it.

Poor dog. What's that dog thinking? He's probably starving, poor boy. Poor dog's gone. Every morning after his walk, she calls it over, lifted his tail and patted the bread on its arsehole. So there you go. You'd know though

wouldn't you no but I don't you'd just leave him you'd taste it what are you doing just leave him I know yeah just leave him

or confront him you're not winning in that scenario he doesn't realise because he's just eating his sandwiches anyway it's not making him ill

it's not giving any adverse effect to his health and your dog's just fucking bewildered I know but you know though it's quite cool I suppose

you would just know you'd be like dog breath dog arse breath wow so rate my plate on Facebook my dog arse sandwich

give it a 1 out of 10 did I ever tell you about a website that my mate used to frequent in college no well what was it called

very similar to rate my plate yeah I don't know if it's still out there now I don't know if I want to google it and find out okay rate my poo.com people just put photos of the full toilet yeah why that doesn't surprise me at all wasn't that before the days of like social media on your phone yeah well yeah there was no iphones at this point so it was a digital camera you'd have to upload it yeah yeah to your computer so i would go into

me it class or computing as it was and I would go in and he would be, yeah, he would just be clicking through and just mumbling to himself, that's good poo, that one. Oh, oh. Yeah. Horrific. And then another lad led over and went,

what the fuck's wrong with you? Horrific. You're a psychopath. Horrific. Vile. Don't know if it's still there. I'm not going to check. Hey guys, check.

Enjoy. Hi guys. There have been many stories i felt like telling you but this has just happened within the last hour and i know exactly how you'd react okay okay topical topic very it's just in i'm away with my friend for a short break and we often go away on a weekend must be nice show off well sorry all people do people tell us about like a few weeks ago i talked about my parents being retired war raging it's some lovely person emailed in and did all of my sponsors and we're like yeah it must be nice to have time on you like why are we such dickheads this is terrible we are currently which we probably the same as many of our listeners right now we are at the hardest stage of our entire life

yeah because you've got two kids and one of them is one and jobs and it's just this is the drowning stage it's just the busiest no this is the hardest this is drowning do you know what I think am I just drowning and you're not drowning?

You're a better swimmer than me, so I'm shitting myself. Right, okay. Yeah, I know. I'm currently drowning. But you've just got to get on with it, don't you? Yeah. It's like, okay, well, you know, for a good 10 years of your life, you just drown.

And you go, well, okay, great. Wow. Passes a life dragon. I'm Kate Winslet at the steps in the Titanic. At the steps? You know, when the water's coming in and she's trying to open the gate and she's trying to get up the steps.

That's me right now. Wow, what a dark, horrible reference. It's true. Family that you love. No, I do. I love them and I just think it's what you've got to do. Sounds like you've just compared them to the biggest maritime disaster in the history of the world.

Yeah, I know, but sometimes, you know when they're both out the house, you know what I do? When I shut the door, I stand against the door and I go... Wow. Wow. True story.

Good, good. So anyway, without thinking... Is that why there's a greasy head mark on the back of our front door? It must be, yeah. Without thinking anything previously about this, I've always noticed a teaspoon in the glass in the bathroom wherever we've stayed.

What? Oh, wherever they stay. They go away for the weekend and someone puts it, right. There's a teaspoon always in the, you know when you get glasses in the bathroom? Yeah. There's always a teaspoon in. Weird place for a teaspoon,

but maybe that's just how they do things here. I live in Thailand, it says in brackets. Oh, okay. Sometimes I've used said spoon to stir tea coffee etc as you would and then rinsed and popped it back

oh god so yesterday I made a coffee stirred it with a spoon and popped it back later on I took the spoon again in case I needed it

for my noodles oh god and it says in brackets it's very rural and it was a pot noodle for tea with a spoon it's going to be a bit difficult

but I hope she was ok can I just flag up I'm no longer jealous of her weekend away. No, I know, me neither. It's in the middle of nowhere and she's having a fucking pot noodle for her tea. With a bathroom spoon. With a bath...

Oh! Oh, God! Oh! Don't about me. Sorry and all that. That's the worst holiday ever. Yeah, well, again, couple of dickheads slagging a holiday off,

but yeah. I'm sorry, but... The current relief I'm feeling at not being jealous of that holiday it's like it's like i'm in a warm bath that's awful that's not a holiday no no and i think i've got i'm not a genius here i can't tell the future but i think we're about to find out what's been happening with this spoon as well worst holiday ever hey sorry man whoever wrote this in we're really sorry I know but

I'm not being funny when you go for a little weekend away is this just us and everyone I know you go get you get treats and you go to get

there's got to be something nice you treat yourself you go to one of the more expensive supermarkets and you buy the overpriced sort of little pots of olives and shit like that

she's gone to rural Thailand with a pot noodle and no fork awful awful just quickly speaking of forks I'll tell you about when my friend Steph She's gone to rural Thailand with a pot noodle and no fork. Awful. Awful. Just quickly, speaking of forks, I'll tell you about when my friend Steph went and lived in China for a year.

She had to take a fork. And she took a fork. Yeah. Took a fork to all the restaurants. Never learned how to use chopsticks. English pig. What? Like, she looked like, you know, what film is it when they get out of the pocket and they're like,

oh, it's Mr. Bean. Yeah, yeah. When he gets stuff out of his pocket I love using chopsticks I do I love it lazy bitch if I order sushi or wagamamas and the delivery people forget to put the

chopsticks well if I forgot to tick the thing that says can they bring the cutlery I'm devastated do you have to do that with a delivery genuinely I got a wagamama's on tour and I forgot to take the thing to get them delivered. And I used two coffee stirrers, two wooden coffee stirrers as chopsticks

because I'd forgot them. So they don't just put them in automatically? Sometimes they don't. If you don't ask for them, sometimes they don't. Right, because you could be having it at your house. So I used two coffee stirrers as chopsticks. Did it work? Very flimsy.

No, I went to pick up quite a lot of noodles and they bent and snapped. Could have used a spoon. I should have used a second hand bathroom spoon. Yeah, where the fuck's this spoon been? Sorry. This morning, my friend goes off for a shower. A few minutes later, she pops her head out and asks if I've moved the spoon from out

the bathroom. Oh, Jesus Christ. What are you doing with a spoon? I explain that, yes, I have it and I take it back to her. Weird. Until she explains that that spoon is in fact her tongue scraper. And she takes it everywhere with her. And apparently she can't go about her day without scraping her tongue.

Oh, what the... Oh, what the hell? Is that even a thing and the friend said i thought you knew about it clearly i didn't and i have innocently been using her tongue scraper spoon for all normal spoon activities in the past however long that why why is that weirdly worse than like if it was a r spoon yeah or. Yeah. Or a vagina scooping out spoon. There's something all over. But what's she got on her tongue? Nought.

It's all scraped off. Oh, but I think a doctor would probably say, stop scraping your tongue because you probably need all of that shit. I brush my tongue at the end of my teeth. Do you? I brush my teeth. I give my tongue a little shh-shh-shh just for smells. It makes your breath nicer.

Yeah, but isn't it just, is it not stuff that you need? I don't know. She might have fucking mushrooms and all kinds growing on her tongue by the way it's going on. Awful, that man. She has a spoon with her everywhere? Yeah.

So weird. How organised are some people? Oh, well that's another thing about just having so much time on your hands. How organised are you? Yeah. I forget to pack kegs in that man.

She's like remembering to pack a tongue scraper spoon. I did a corporate the other week and I nearly forgot my shirt. For a corporate gig. And she's remembering a teaspoon tongue scraper. Fuck. Honestly. So much time. I hate some people.

I know. Good God. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Please keep me anonymous. Yes. My husband has to go away with work quite often. Oh, Rosie feels your pain. Yeah.

A few months ago, he travelled to a conference in London with some colleagues. And as it's quite far from our home, they stayed over in a hotel. Okay. My husband's employer, in order to save money, asked them to share rooms. They all got on, so this wasn't really an issue. However, my husband was put into a room with his boss. No problem, he thought, he's a good laugh. Oh no, no, no, no, no. During the night, my husband was awoken by some strange sounds. Coming around from

his deep sleep, he tried to work out what was going on in the pitch black room until he rolled over and could see his boss's bed to his horror his boss was on a video sex call with a lady friend shut up now listen to this you might think that he was trying to hide what he was doing headphones in maybe phone under the covers etc you would be wrong no lying completely stark as on top of the covers, phone on loud and happily going to town on himself, unaware that my husband had woke up. Oh my God. Now my question is, what would you do?

That is such a dilemma. Isn't it? Would you interrupt and ask what the fuck was going on and ask him to stop, bearing in mind that this is your boss? Or would you do what my husband did and pretend to be asleep the whole time to save and embarrassment while singing,

popping your headphones in and turning the music up loud? Oh, just to clarify, by the way, this wasn't a one-off. It happened every night during the three nights day. Jesus Christ. First of all, what an absolute arsehole the boss is. That is not cool behaviour awful that's really shocking behaviour

yeah really oppressive it's a bit psychotic isn't it it's a bit psychotic bit of a power move yeah bit like fuck him

I don't care I'm doing this I'm pleasuring myself and I don't care horrific showing off maybe oh god awful isn't it

was it the same morning every night I don't know or was it some kind of thing he was paying for like was it a pay for thing he was paying for? Like, was it a pay-for thing? Do you know?

Do you think he's like, well, maybe if I don't use up these minutes, I'll lose them? Is that how it works? Sorry, mate, but my voucher for this porn website runs out in there midnight tomorrow, so I'm just trying to get as many in as possible. Go to the bathroom. I know, but she said at the end here,

this is quite sad, I cannot look at this boss anymore without this horrific image. Nor can I look his wife in the eye either. So it wasn't his wife. Who incidentally was not the lady caller.

That's the juiciest bit. I know. Oh my God. What would I do? See, arsehole Chris Ramsey, comedian and podcaster Chris Ramsey who has no podcaster Chris Ramsey,

who has no, um, boss, no filter, no boss to think of. I'd be like, you know, you know,

get up and flick him on the end of his dick. But, obviously if I go back in my head to when I was, you know, in, in jobs that I had a boss. I'd lie there and be mortified. Oh.

You would, Chris. I think, do you know what? Would you get up and go to the toilet? Uh, I'd lie there and be mortified you would Chris I think do you know what would you get up and go to the toilet I think I would like either go like like or like

I don't think you'd care by the sounds of it I don't think you'd care either by the sounds of things yeah I don't know tricky don't worry

you don't have to answer sorry what did you say there was just don't worry you don't have to answer sorry what did you say there Rose just don't worry you don't have to answer don't worry oh sorry I thought you were going to put me

in this exact scenario tonight and this was like me revision am I alright do I not need to actually solve this you're fine don't worry listen

you stay in our bed the night but I will be on top of the covers having a call at around about midnight right that's fine don't disturb us. Good, no, good.

Can I flick you on the end of your dick? I haven't got a dick, but you can... Sorry? Cliff flick. That's the worst. Do you know how we were talking about the snip, which you still haven't got, a couple of weeks back? No, call me back.

Got a letter from a bloke who had the snip said it was fine but apparently I'm not going to read the full story because it's a little bit long but I just

I found it quite amusing that because after you have the snip you've got to get like ejaculate for 24 days and then send off a semen you've got to ejaculate

for 24 days yeah over three months are you over three months you've got to ejaculate 24 you've got to 24 times over a three-month period and then you've got to send off a sample so they can check that there's no like baby sperm there anymore right right so you've got to like empty all of because if if you got the snip right and you'd ejaculate it 11 times and then we had sex god forbid and then two seconds and then uh you know and it was still baby okay okay i understand right so you've basically got to get rid of the stock yeah you've got to get over the stockpile so over three months time you have to jack me 24 times over three months period That's going to look good on the calendar by the way

Well This is a really good idea So what he did was he bought A Christmas advent calendar And then every time he just had a little chocolate And then he knew Book my snip tomorrow That is absolutely class

Isn't that genius 24 times And listen if you do it I'll get the chocolate for you I'll be like have you done it absolutely class isn't that genius that 24 times we have an advent calendar and listen if you do it I'll get the chocolate for you I'll be like have you had it

have you done it here's a little treat that's going to be weird oh no I don't know I don't know that at all but you can keep it under your bed

keep it under your bed just do it yourself no do you know what this has made me want to do it less now right because I don't I don't want you

monitoring how many times I've had a wank I don't want to know but you Chris I've had a wank. I don't want to know. But you will. Chris, you say it's the first of the month. You should be halfway through your quarter by now. Let's look at that calendar. It'd be horrible.

I'm not having that. You're already... Well, listen, because it's took you so long to get it. You haven't even got it yet. You're only getting a picture one. A picture calendar? You'll get a Jesus picture one. Oh, so just open the door

and just get a little picture and a little thing. No chocolate? And you'll see the Virgin Mary. Get us a Lego advent calendar. Feel guilty. Absolutely, absolutely not. There'll be no Lego calendar.

No, because then again, when you came in the office and there was another little Lego thing made, you'd be like, oh, dirty bastard. Yeah, I would. I'm not having that like,

I'm not having my ejaculations monitored by you. Nah, forget it. Forget it. Absolutely forget it. Imagine if not having that, like. I'm not having my ejaculations monitored by you. Nah. Forget it. Forget it. Absolutely forget it. Imagine if we had one for sex. Chocolate would be out of date.

Be all white. You know what I mean? Chocolate goes white and cloud. Oh, stop it. Chalky. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Maradonoid. We're so grateful that you come back every week. We really appreciate it. Shag Maradonoid is part of the A-Cast creator network.

There we go. Didn't think it was going to happen but there it is. Guys, do not forget the NationalComedyAwards.com or just Google National Comedy Awards and vote for us in the best podcast category with one of your emails or multiple emails. Totally up to you. Doesn't take very long and uh yeah it will really really would appreciate it thank you very very much indeed

and we'll be back as i said in your ear canals right up in the air canals ramming it in next week thank you so much guys bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by rishi kesh her way the visionary behind the groundbreaking song exploder podcast and netflix series this unmissable evening features her way and toronto symphony orchestra music director gustavo jimeno in conversation together they dissect the mesmerizing layers of stravinsky's the rite of spring followed by a complete soul stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at