Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 157. Purple reigns

Episode Date: March 4, 2022

The podcast is swing heavy this week, or is it swung? The pair come together over their garden plans as well as sharing their weekly beefs. QFTP's involve lies, a punchy request and some toe sucking action. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shagmarianoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my other half, Christopher Ramsey. dot ca I think they are. Do you think? Yeah, I think they're starting to realise. When you first came about, when you first popped up, everyone was like, oh, yeah, great.

Oh, she does daft stuff on Instagram. Oh, isn't she brilliant? But now, I think they're starting to see through the cracks. Oh, really? Yeah, yeah. So many cracks to see through. I don't know how they haven't noticed it before now. Hold on, we've been conned.

No, I'm joking. I love you, and I'm sure everyone else likes you as a friend. Good. How are you? Do you know what? I'm okay. How are you? I'm sure everyone else likes you as a friend. Good. How are you? Do you know what? I'm okay. How are you? I'm very good.

Very good indeed. It is episode 157. Yeah, I'm happy to... Sorry. What? No, what? No, I'm just... No, what?

What? Come on, what? I'm just happy to be doing it because actually, you're back on tour and somebody came around the house yesterday because we're getting the garden done, right? Yeah. We're getting it all nicely done and that. Yeah. And we hadn't spoken to each other about it.

And I think the guy thought we were the rudest people in the world because he was like, so Rosie, have you seen the designs that I sent Chris? And I was like, sorry, I have not seen the designs that you sent Chris because we haven't actually had a proper conversation because he's been working away. And when you come home, the kids are there

and so we don't get a conversation and then we've been going to bed at like nine o'clock which has been unreal by the way. I thought it was to be eight o'clock the other night. It was the best thing ever. So I'm actually,

listen, I'm looking forward to this. Oh, very good. Yeah. Fist bump. Oh yeah. Fist bump or is that what we are now? What?

Just friends. I just thought we'd make it cool. Fist bumps. Yeah, colleagues. Colleagues. We're colleagues at best. Now it was, so it was weird because I was on tour

and I came back I've just had the weekend off but I came back again we'll record this on a Tuesday at the moment guys I came back from tour and I had the weekend don't tell them

when we're recording we'll be at the door man we basically swapped you went out with your friends on Saturday and I didn't see you and I went to my mum and dad's house

and I like hadn't spoke to you about like it was weird we just hadn't caught up and then on the following night I was just kn see you and I went to my mum and dad's house and I like hadn't spoke to you about like it was weird we just hadn't caught up and then on the following night I was just knackered and I went to sleep tell everyone how lovely you were

about us going out with my friends how understanding and how furious selfish honestly furious selfish behaviour

you shouldn't how dare you if I'd have been if I'd have been a bit of a like a wimpier person wimpier I probably wouldn't have went

because you made us feel that guilty but you know what I did I said goodbye to you when you were in your little strop going bye have a nice night I got in the car I hoed the music on and I had a mint night

and I thought you know what fuck him yeah stuff him he can be at home with the kids I'm going out I was at home with the kids notice though

when you're at home with the kids I'm working not gallivanting out with my mates it's not my fault not my problem what you've prioritised brilliant absolutely brilliant but yes we had to basically have a we had a catch up not gallivanting out with my mates. It's not my fault. Not my problem what you've prioritised. Brilliant.

Absolutely brilliant. But yes, we had to basically have a... We had a catch-up in front of the landscaping guy, which is really awkward. I haven't told any of this. He was like, do you two know each other? I was like, eh. But yes, it's all good.

Well, I'm glad you're here and I'm glad we're chatting and it's episode 157. I was going to crack straight on because we've been doing some really long intros recently. Oh, it doesn't matter, man. You've blethered in with your feelings saying how happy

you are to be doing it there's no time limit on this you know like a TV programme I think you know run the trailers run the trailers like 30 seconds

like 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 right what specific American film are you referencing here I don't actually know do you mean like the titles yeah something like that.

Or when they count out a newsreader, when news is just in and then they turn the camera on. Yeah, we don't have that on this, so we can take our time. Is that what it's going to be like for our show for the BBC? Run their trail... There is no trailers. There's no trailers?

Because the BBC... It'll be advertising extenders or something. Maybe, but that'll be before. That'll be nothing to do with us. Oh, I hope there's a good drama on in between our show in between our show like an advert after our show

I don't know is there any I don't know Rosie the way the world's going at the minute we'll probably get moved for a special news bulletin every night

or some sports sport always moves shows that's always fun when you've got a TV show and sport shifts it that's always good oh okay the tennis overran

so fuck your show it's essentially what normally happens. These two fucking wallies couldn't fucking sort the game out. They did 25 sets each, a useless twat. So fuck everything. It's all been moved.

Is it on again this year? Oh, it's on every fucking year, isn't it? Do you know what? I really tried to get into it. You enjoyed it last year, but that is the longest game. It's that thing. There's no time limit? How much time does it go down? Well, it's that thing. If it's a really close year but that is the longest game it's that thing there's no time limit

what is how much time well it's that thing if it's a really close match it's the longest if someone fucking wallops someone it's over in minutes

but not minutes you know what I mean you know quick and if it's like straight sets but if it's really close and it's like it's a

yeah it's a long old day I haven't got time for that I just I always you know what you know how we're getting jealous of people recently for having more time on their hands and stuff yeah oh by the way big

shout out to charlie again it was a bloke charlie who did the um sponsors list i read it today because i had to check out oh it's a bloke sorry yeah guy he says he gets it all the time on emails and stuff uh he's got an 18 month old and he works full time but he still found time to do it i i honestly felt like a dig when I read it. Felt like a dig. He's like, yeah, on the time thing, just let you know

I've got an 18 month old and I've got a full time job but I've still found time. I'm like, oh, did you? Congrats, mate. Alright, well, neglect. That's all I'm going to say. Social services are on the way around.

Who's looking after your kid when you're writing all of these? Screaming baby while you're fanning on sending you're on your final warning at work because you're not

putting the craft in so hey listen thank you we're totally joking then thank you very much I'm not joking Charlie I'm not joking when we get jealous

of stuff like that blokes who can squeeze in a round of golf I get very jealous very jealous I'm not even a big fan of golf I used to play it back in the day

but then when I see someone go like oh yeah I see someone on Instagram and they're posting a photo of a pint and they're like just had a round of golf I'm like fucking four hours I don't

well we see all of this though if you logged up all your time that you sit on what is it you sit on now on your phone Tetris oh god yeah I'm on Tetris now

I've noticed you play Tetris now yeah I do play Tetris now so it was Solitaire for a while now it's Tetris have you not noticed so actually if you logged up all this time right you probably could do a round of golf maybe maybe Tetris now. I've noticed you play Tetris now. Yeah, I do play Tetris now. So it was Solitaire for a while. Now it's Tetris. Have you not noticed? So actually, if you logged up all this time, you probably could do a round of golf.

Maybe, maybe. But have you not noticed that all of my games that I do involve basically just tidying stuff and sorting stuff? I realise that about myself. So Tetris, love it. Get the line,

the lines disappear, bang. Get it all neat, get it nice. Right, okay. Solitaire, you're basically just sorting out a deck of cards into their suits. It's just tidying up up if there was a game for tidy

I would just tidy up it's all I do but do you feel free to actually you know no apply it to your real life no no no no no I just like

this is coming from a man who doesn't make the bed what's the matter with you you climb back in it every night it's pointless oh ew you

you fucking 700 scatter cushions on it man I'm sick of it I can't keep up. They change every day. I don't know what's going on. And yet, how dare you? You're currently sleeping without a pillowcase on your pillow,

so you can go fuck yourself. I don't know where it's gone. Brilliant. There we go. But then, last night, Rafe wasn't very well, so he fell asleep on said pillow without the pillowcase. And then I was like, I dare say, move him, because he's a nightmare.

Yeah. And so, yeah, we both slept on it my mum would be mortified just slept on it like a crack den what did she used to call it like a crack den oh what was it called

like tack or something I can't remember tack no I know that's a drug my mum used to say because I used to be able to sleep on a bed without a sheet

yeah you can yeah you yeah like a squatter there was a word for it but I can't remember. Scruffy twat, I believe,

is the technical term. You're a scruffy twat. You're a scruffy lazy twat. Listen, scruffy twat, it is episode 157. Do you really just call me a scruffy twat? Yeah, it's a new name.

It's an affectionate term. It's episode 157, guys. Thank you for listening. Thank you for coming back. If you're back, welcome if it's your first time hello without going any further

it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor can't wait this week's sponsor is swings hey are you a child

swings yes are you an adult yeah swings swings they're enjoyable at any age name me a better thing

than a swing name it now name me a more enjoyable thing than a swing. Name it now. Name me a more enjoyable thing than a swing. Slide. No. Got to climb back up. Nah, got to climb back up to the top. Hit the bottom, walk around, climb back up.

It's not... A swing is constant joy. Yeah. Constant back and forwards joy. No, I know something better than a swing. Okay. A zip rope. A zip line.

No, you've got to walk back. You've got to get off and walk back. And there's always a queue. It's worth it. They're much better than a swing. Swing's much better. You're not swinging properly is what you've got to walk back. You've got to get off and walk back. And there's always a queue. It's worth it. They're much better than a swing. Swing's much better. You're not swinging properly is what you're doing.

Clearly not. Yeah, you've got to get swinging high. I do love a swing. Nothing. Honestly, I feel like bus stops should have them. I feel like...

Ooh. Yeah, I feel like everywhere where there's a seat it should be a swing. I feel like the world would be a happier place. A bit dangerous though. Nah.

Well, that's... People are fucking stupid. Like... All I can see The bus stop Someone's nana's Gonna walk in front of them Right

At the bus stop Well she needs to Get hide into the road Killed by the bus Right well there's a swing love Get fucking away from the swing And then There'll be

Tape round all the swings Right You know what I mean People ruin Why do people ruin everything I know everybody ruins everything Come on man Well hello

Hello Chris Nice to meet you this is the world it's fucking shit people ruin everything but it would be a nice idea I thought you were going to really do a character there you shook me hand and everything and you just went the world's shit is that the end of this role play

it's just people ruining stuff so like you say somebody would screw a hole in the swing and stick the dick in it that would happen. Sorry. It would. I'll say you put a swing in a bus stop.

Your first one, which was quite realistic, was an old nana would walk in front and someone would kick her in front of a bus, which is fair enough, which, you know, 250 quid on you being framed if it happens. But your next one was someone would screw a hole in and stick their dick in the swing yeah because someone manages to turn any something sexual yeah well sex swings are a thing

aren't they someone would be shagging on it someone yes well that's more realistic someone would be waiting for the night bus shagging on it two o'clock in the morning someone would shag on the swings and then you know everyone who sat on it would get pregnant and it would just be awful everyone who sat on it probably this is the i don't trust the world right now everything's gone wrong and it's horrible so you can't be sticking to it there was so much spunk on that seat 50 women got pregnant it's amazing just just people would ruin it so it's you know yeah okay I'm glad we've got one

in the garden then I was watching Bing the other day you know Bing that twat and there's a bit where he finds a dog in the park

and the dog has what is it his dad what is his dad he's a rabbit is he that's not so Bing's a rabbit that's not his dad

Flop Flop's just like what is Flop just looks after him doesn't he what is he what animal is he he's a parent of guardians it's his grown up Flop's he's a Flop's just like... What is Flop? Just looks after him, doesn't he? What is he? What animal is he? He's a parent of guardians.

It's his grown-up. He's a Flop. He's like a little beanbag toy thing. Yeah, but you know, so... Right, okay, so they just look after them. Because the other one, Sula's person, isn't a mum or dad or grandparent. She's Flop as well.

She's like a... She's not Flop, but she's a thing. She's living with nannies. Is this the... Where's the parents? The parents are high-flying, jet-setting, bloody... Yeah. Don't give a shit about their kids. They're very important rabbits. They're at work. One of them's a surgeon. but she's the thing she's just living with nannies where's the parents the parents are high flying jet setting bloody yeah

don't give a shit about the kids they're very important rabbits they're at work one of them's a surgeon one of them's a consultant yes right okay and Flop just looks after them

during the day and Flop's the help yeah he's the nanny yeah Bing is actually massively neglected by his parents his parents are never there

he's just with Flop all the time no wonder he's so sad no wonder he fucking whinges about everything listen all I'm saying is he found a dog in the park and the dog had a shit and being in flop and oh you've got to pick it up and he went over the

dog bin and on the side of the dog bin was a communal pooper scooper that everyone could use and i looked at it and i thought nah i was like if you had a communal pooper scooper hanging on a bin anywhere in england the first thing someone would do is get it and rub the handle in shit and then hang it back on waiting for someone else to pick it up yeah yeah yeah it would go through stages so it would be like a sign saying

please don't steal the poop-bear-scoop-bear well it would be on a chain yeah and then they'd chain it and you could only use it round that pole you'd have to get your dog to shit right next to the thing

yeah you can't have now you can't have anything oh well no swings in public. It is a nice idea though. We've got one in the garden. We've got one in the garden. Yeah.

Just go on that one. Okay. And then we've got one in the bedroom. Everyone knows we don't have one in the bedroom. No chance. No chance.

Who sits in the swing in a sex swing? I have no idea how sex swings work. Right, okay. I've got no idea. I don't think I do. Do they both get on it?

Or does one person... Is it just to make... You know how you don't... Is it so you don't have to move your hips? Is it so you can just swing back and forward? But then does the woman have to then wait? Is it like... And then back.

But how would it go in? I tell you, it doesn't just go straight in. Imagine if you're like talking... I don't understand. Yeah. It's really complicated. I have got no... That is something I It's really complicated. I have got no, that is something

I've never thought of. I have got no idea how a sex swing works. Let's get Googling. I don't think I want to. Do it on your laptop. Why do I have all the dirty stuff on mine?

Yeah. You have to work it out. So if the bloke's in it and then the woman's sitting on top, what's the point then? Just swinging. You're just swinging

while you're having sex. How do you do it? What do you do? Or does the woman stand in it like a harness is the woman in like harness and does the man stand up and just like move back and forward i don't let's have it i mean how long is it dick how what you gotta how long is the arc of i'm not a mathematician here but you'd have to be how does this google how does it wet. The wettest wet, wet. Like a slip and slide. What is the meaning? How much weight can a sex swing take?

Brilliant. Hey, we've done some intros in the time, but starting one by Googling... A sex swing. Starting an intro by Googling how sex swings work is a hell of a one. A sex swing is a device that lifts and suspends one partner off the ground while the other partner, or partners, dirty buggers, can move around them freely to engage in sex. So it's not even a swing. It's more like a harness.

Yeah, it's a harness. Like you would hold a motorbike engine while you walk around but don't work on it. Do you know what it is? It's basically, you know if you've got a bad back or something or if you're just a bit knackered, which makes it a bit easier. There's us thinking, no, but there's us thinking, oh, God, it's so sexy and it's like so,

it's not, it's for people who've got... Two things, two things. One, I've never thought they were sexy. I think it's absolutely fucking ridiculous. And how do you play it off when someone comes round and goes, A, why is that fucking leather swing hanging? Or B, why is that hook in the ceiling? Do you have a punch bag?

And secondly, I don't think they've made them with the infirm in mind. I think they are for perverts. I'll be honest with you. I think they are for perverts. No, honestly, I think it's like sexy, but also lazy bastards.

Sexy, but practical. Yeah. I can't watch them. Oh, that's a shame. Why? Just because Google Images, obviously I'm on Google Images and then a kid swings just snuck in there. So that's a shame. Does that upset you? Yeah, a's a shame. Why? Just because Google Images, obviously I'm on Google Images and then a kid swings just snuck in there,

so that's a shame. Does that upset you? Yeah, a bit. Oh, okay. The one that Robin had to have when he was little. Ah! Oh, God. Oh, there's a series called Sex Swing.

Oh, on the telly? On the telly. Fantastic. Get it on the list. Oh, it's animated. Oh, Jesus Christ. 7.3 on IMDb. Fucking hell, she's gone

she's gone play the jingle we'll get her back play the jingle sorry okay bye oh no I haven't finished

just the jingle wow we had a fight about the jingle jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle jingle

so this is the jingle jingle we hope you like the jingle jingle babadoo babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap, jingle. So now, welcome, welcome back to the main body of the podcast. Rosie normally says this bit, hello and welcome back, but she's literally, what are you doing?

I'm just, so I'm just reading a review of the best five, top five sex swings of 2022. Okay, of 2022? Of 2022 sex swings of 2022. Okay. Of 2022? Of 2022. It's March. It's March. So, wow. There's been, so, I don't know.

Not only has there been so many sex swings released, there's a top five rated already by March. Hey, this is so pervert. People have got too much time on their hands. I don't know who's wrote this. Over the years, I've encountered countless sex swings. Countless? Countless.

Countless. From low quality models bought at my local mom and pop shop sex shop mom and pop sex shop i don't know what that means it means like if your mom and pop like it's a phrase they use in america for like your mom and pop shop which is just like a local sex shop no no that's what it says to you to you to my local mom and pop sex shop yes but you can the point is, you can't use the phrase local mom and pop and then put sex shop in because the two things, that's like saying me fucking organic sex shop. It doesn't make sense.

You can't describe a sex shop as your mom and pop sex. Well, I mean, you can, but it's fucking weird. It's probably just a very vanilla sex shop. A vanilla sex shop? If we were ever going to go to a sex shop right it would be that one right you get a vibrator and some lube you're walking i don't know what we're doing yeah and a mag like and then he's but then this person i'm guessing a magazine you've got a laptop in front of you are you getting magazines for you no and then so then he said and contraptions

purchased directly from the manufacturer what i've learned is this no two sex swings are exactly alike Jesus I don't know how many times I've fallen gotten stuck been injured or worse

because I chose to save a few bucks sorry read that again slowly I don't know how many times I've what I don't know how many times

I've fallen gotten stuck been injured or worse. Or worse is what I'm concerned about there. Fallen, gotten stuck, been injured or worse. What's worse than all of them? The humility? The humiliation.

The humiliation, yeah. Of just lying in there, spunk running down your chest. All because I chose to save a few bucks. You've really got to invest in your sex swing. This is what they're trying to say. It is my sincere hope that I'll convince you otherwise by the end of this buyer's guide. Wow, they've really gone into it.

Is it a man or a woman? I don't, I mean, come on. It's a man. Do you reckon? Well, aye. I mean, yeah, to be fair, he's on the internet. This is really long. Oh, do you want to know number one all right okay the best sex swing yeah best for comfortable kink it's a good name all right right are we giving them free advertising here oh well you know what

if you're buying one of these number one the purple rains it's purple got like purple rain yeah i get it i feel like we should report it to prince's people because i feel like we should get them they've got a lawsuit on their hands for this probably yeah yeah all right let's get them the purple rain sex sling helps support your body and elevate your sex life plus the silky soft materials mean you can swing for hours in the lap of luxury. I'm swinging for hours? Jesus. Hours? If it's actually going to make sex longer, then I'm alright for it.

Yeah. Oh, it can hold more than 300 pounds. Wow. Machine washable. Oh, God. That's made me so sad. Machine washable. Oh, have you done's made me so sad. Machine washable. Oh, have you done the kids' uniforms?

Have you done the uniforms? There haven't been... What's this? You've been washing the sex swing? With the blazers? You left the metal bottles on that broke the machine. Honestly, what a fuck...

Oh, machine washable. Is there a sexier phrase on the planet than machine washable? Jesus. Oh, God. I'm really sad

that the Dominic's deluxe fantasy swing, which looks a lot more exciting, that's come third. Third, well, you know, all bells and whistles in it.

It's not doing what it says on the tin. It's actually not, no. in it it's not doing what it says on the tin it's just too much listen it's in the top five so they must be proud get right ooh the screamer

fucking hell that looks good the screamer do you get a little photo booth like that for a photo at the end like when you're on a roller coaster

they just look really comfortable if I'm totally honest with you like genuinely cut the rose you have one in the living room watch a telly withesus you would wouldn't you gee whiz i'll just tell my mom it's a hammock yeah it's all right kids it's a hat yeah that that's a joystick it's not

a massive pink cock it's a joystick just to let you know that is actually a lady called tiffany who wrote that so i'm'm really sorry, Tiffany. Tiffany, I'll be listening. So my thing is, so like yesterday, our son got a, Rafe got a present off our friends. Yes. Because I hadn't seen him since his birthday. And I'm standing, putting it together. And you're going, put the toy together.

And I did it wrong. And I put like the wheels on before I put the thing and it wasn't working. Can you imagine the frustration of trying to put a sex swing up, standing there, both ready. There would be nothing sexy. Nothing. Just standing, where's the,

fucking instruction manual out on that. Where's the Allen key? Hard-on's going down by the second. But no, you'd have to, I'm sorry, right, you couldn't be getting ready to use it while you're putting it up right you couldn't

because that would be that would be so unsexy if we're going to get one you're going to have to put it together you know what's also unsexy one of them just hanging in the fucking corner

of the room constantly and just walking past and say I'm telling you it'd be like a treadmill or an exercise bike but in a couple of days you'd have fucking clothes

hanging on it you'd go what's this this is a fancy dressing gown hanger you've got in the corner. Oh no, it's the sex ring we never use. Robin would be playing on his iPad on it. Fucking horrible. I just, again, I'm just suspicious of people who put that much effort into all that stuff.

I just feel like, you know. They've got different lives to us. Oh, they're just, fuck yeah. Too much time on their hands and just pervs. I reckon. Perverts. If you've got a sex ring, you're a pervert. That's got different lives to us. Oh, they're just, fuck, yeah. Too much time on their hands and just pervs. I reckon. Perverts. If you've got a sex ring, you're a pervert. That's my personal opinion.

Okay. And, you know, I'm not shaming. No, I am. I'm shaming you. I'm shaming you. You need to stop that. You're having sex in a swing. Go fuck yourself.

Unless it's at the bus stop. Wait, we'll want them. I'm joking. Do what you want. Enjoy yourselves, man. Why not? Just make sure it's machine washable. I'm joking do what you want

enjoy yourselves man why not just make sure it's machine washable babadoo babadoo babadoo so I feel like we've been a little bit

sex swing heavy so far in this episode sorry about that everyone went off on a tangent which is a sentence I bet you never hear them say on Diary of a CEO

good podcast that there's no other podcasts listen this is a weird situation that we're in now because we're recording on Tuesday the 1st of March yes and the comedy awards there's no other podcasts listen this is a weird situation that we're in now because we're recording on Tuesday

the 1st of March yes and the comedy awards are tomorrow yes so we don't know the outcome is it March

shit when I didn't know it was March today I literally said it's March I know about 5 minutes ago

on the podcast did you I said it's March and there's a top 5 sex swing thing already it's only March I don't listen to you you really don't

I'm so sorry someone messaged in the other week a story I told I said I've never told you this you went no and someone messaged going oh yeah you told her

she doesn't listen to you you'd already told her that story on the podcast you keep me right guys thank you very much I'm glad do you know what it is I'm glad someone listens to me

thank you very much but we're in a weird situation where we don't know if we won or not no now well no not right now we'll know tomorrow yeah but we've already recorded this week's podcast oh't know if we won or not. No. Now. Well, no, not right now. We'll know tomorrow.

Yeah, but we've already recorded this week's podcast. Oh, gosh. What are we going to be? Winners or losers? Well, I feel like we should record two things. A thank you for voting

we won and a thanks anyway but we didn't win kind of thing. Okay, right. All right? Right. You ready?

Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Which one are we doing first? The good one, the winner. Right, okay, yeah. Three, two, one. Hey! Hey, yes! We won! Thank you so much. Thank you so, so much. We knew we could count on you guys. okay yeah which one we're doing first the good one the weird one right okay yeah three two one hey hey yes we won

thank you so much thank you so so much we knew we could count on you guys all them votes you're the best multiple email addresses you know not only

do you do lists of the sponsors and help us out yeah you just we couldn't do it without you dedicate this to you

as we said in our speech it's all about the fans thank you so so much thank you so much you're the absolute best awesome awesome thank you guys do the other one now should we do right okay ready you fucking shower of cunts this is being free this whole thing is being free for 157 fucking and you couldn't just go on a

website and vote once you you've took a different angle i thought we were going to be gracious oh shit yeah okay sorry no I thought we were going to well done listen we don't mind we're happy just to be here yeah yeah

in this family of podcasting well done to such and such and such the real prize is getting nominated against all those yeah

god I was just happy to be there for the drink and that well done the guys who won they're great I listen to theirs every

week. I'm sure theirs is. Twice through. I'm sure theirs is definitely above average. Cool. Thanks everyone. Cheers. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Last week, Chris, I didn't drink for five nights. Wow. Didn't drink a sip of alcohol at all. That's why I was getting bollocked all the time.

That's why it was a frosty atmosphere. No, it was. Don't even. Hor the time that's why it was a frosty atmosphere no it was don't even horrible time I wrote in my diary feeling down being shouted at a lot

Rosie's not stumbling around the house as much as usual no Rosie seems alert and angry all the time no I didn't drink for five nights

because I'm trying to lose a bit of clem before the TV show didn't lose a single pound, so that's bullshit. Right, okay. So I'm back on it. Back on the wine then? Back on it, yeah.

What's the point? Five nights. Right. That's a lot of drink missed and not anything lost. But, yeah. But, I mean, again, I can't comment on this. It's weird. You know.

What? I can't comment on this. I can't comment on weight loss. It sounds, you know, I don't want anyone to ever think that I'm here going you need to try I think you look beautiful I just want you to be happy in your own skin and comfortable

it says this now if I go to the crisp drawer no Rosie that's unfair I don't say anything when you go to the crisp drawer the collar that I put on you zaps you when you go near the crisp drawer I don't have to say anything that to the crisp drawer the collar that I put on you zaps you when you go in the other crisp drawer I don't have to say anything

that's why I put the collar on you do you know what's hilarious we haven't even got a crisp drawer which we did I'd love a bloody crisp drawer can't be trusted everyone I don't have a collar We haven't even got a crisp draw, which we did. I know. I'd love a bloody crisp draw. Can't be trusted, everyone. I don't have a colour. No.

Sorry, that's just one of the worst things I've ever said. I'm so sorry. Right, how are we? Can't we just have a podcast where you just laugh at each other? Fucking hell. Oh, God. But listen, what I'm saying is, I think you're beautiful. You always look fantastic.

Look, if you want to lose weight and feel better in yourself that's absolutely fine about you but uh don't put too much pressure on yourself you're looking great it's inches apparently not pounds that you need to look at okay um uh but i don't know what else to say i know muscle weighs more than fat is a thing people usually say to me so if you're doing stuff that builds up your muscles then muscle weighs more than fat so if you're losing a bit of fat and then you get but then again I don't know a personal trainer might email in

saying I'm full of fucking shit I don't know stop it's fine thank you right oh fucking hell Jesus

back is against the wall on the podcast keep digging dickhead but we'll still see you alright stop stop babadoo babadoo babadoo

back you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Kesesh her way the visionary behind the groundbreaking song exploder podcast and netflix series this unmissable evening features her way and toronto symphony orchestra music director gustavo jimeno in conversation together they dissect the mesmerizing layers of stravinsky's the rite of spring followed by a complete soul

stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. addiction and mental health to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. It's the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year.

What's not real? What's not real? Who said that? The First Omen. Only in theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef?

What's your beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef. Ladies first or gentlemen first? You go first. I'll go first. Yeah, go on. Okay. I am revisiting an old beef. Ladies first or gentlemen first? You go first. I'll go first. Yeah, go on. Okay. I am revisiting an old beef because you still fucking do this. It's driving us

mental and you've actually upgraded it and started making it worse. Right. You still insist on tying the fucking bin bag closed. Oh, for God's sake. Yet leaving it in the bin.

I can't leave the baby to put the bins into the wheelie bin. Right. Do you understand? Yes. And then when he goes to bed, when he goes to bed, I don't like the smell of it. When he goes to bed,

I don't want to go outside in the cold. You don't want to go outside in the cold. You don't want to go outside in the cold. Do you know you go outside in the cold you don't want to go outside your job cold do you know you could carry the baby out with you and carry the bin bag in one hand how can i do that you could put them in a pram and walk them out and take the bin bag out with it's your job but right okay if it's my job stop tying the fucking bin bag and leaving it there right or or or stop bins smell what the hell is wrong with you bins smell it's just their thing our bin smells worse than anybody else's I swear to god brilliant

also if you have to which I absolutely hate I hate the cupboard the carrier bag on a cupboard handle sort of you know the over spill bin you put the if you're tying it up if you are tying the bin bag up and leaving it in the bin put a carrier bag or a little auxiliary extra bin somewhere near it do you know you are tying the bin bag up and leaving it in the bin, put a carrier bag or a little auxiliary extra bin somewhere near it.

Do you know what you did the other day? The other day, I had something in my hand. I went over, I pressed the little foot pedal. It opened up. I threw it in. The bin was already closed. I went, for fuck's sake. I lifted it up.

I looked down. You had an auxiliary bin bag, a little carrier bag. That was fucking tied up as well. It was like the land of no bins. No, no, you're going to eat your rubbish around here. There's no way to put it. I've known nothing. Or put something on top of the bins. No, no, you eat your rubbish round here. There's no way to put it. I've known nothing. Why?

Put something on top of the bin. Put something so I know. I'm extremely busy. You're not. You're not. I did a day with the kids on my own the other day. Oh, well done. I still did the bins myself.

I did the recycling as well. Well done. Well done. Did you make my tea? Did you make the beds? You were gallivanting with your mates. I did make the beds, yes. Bullshit.

I did. My beds yes bullshit I did my beef with you Christopher Ramsey is we bought a lovely high chair for our baby Rafe yes for him to sit in

and eat all of his meals yes quietly safely safely being the optimal word actually yes Christopher

threw out the straps to keep Rafe they get covered in food in the high chair. So now, now,

Rafe tries to climb out to his death. Yeah. Because you have threw the straps away so we're going to have to buy a brand new high chair. I bet you can buy the straps

on the room. I bet you can buy the straps Possibly. Why? It's Ikea. It's Ikea. I bet you can get the straps on. What made you think

that he didn't need to be strapped in ever? Because, because he's little. No. He couldn't climb out straps not what made you think yeah that he didn't need to be strapped in ever because uh because he's little no he couldn't climb out at the time he could only lift one foot up in my defense he's already started trying to climb out the past couple of days yes it's terrifying but the straps were covered in in dirt you wash them you did it like with robin the right i did it with robin right you wash you put them in the washing machine you They get caked and stuff. You can get like banana cake in them. And it goes all in the little gaps in there.

I don't like it. What? Don't like it. Don't throw them away? Right. Why would you do this? Because they were dirty. Oh, I can it with you.

I swear to God. I swear to God. The fact that you would just throw them away. Right. Can I interest you in maybe gaffer taping them down into the thing? No. Just tape his legs and then just rip it off? So annoyed. Around the waist? Just gaffer taping him down into the thing? No. Just tape his legs and then just rip it off? So annoyed. Around the waist?

Just gaffer taping him around the waist? Oh, Jesus. Rope? Shall I just tie him in with some rope? There's nothing more to say about it because you've done it and it's just infuriating. High chairs are just a fucking nightmare to clean and the straps are just a bridge too far.

Yeah, it's awful. There's a massive part of your kids life where they're just hoist shit on the floor and oh that's reminded us of something actually our friends were around

the other day and Rafe was eating and there was loads of shit on the floor because he loves eating with his hands so he just eats loads of finger food

and my friend was like oh if he had a dog that would be gone and I was like yeah that's true dogs just eat the food off the floor don't they

Yeah they didn't give a fuck they were amazing Or a cat Yeah either I don't they? Yeah, they didn't give a fuck. They're amazing. Or a cat. Yeah, either. I don't think cats are a bit more picky. Dogs are like, dogs eat their own shit and everything. So do you just never have to clean your floor with a dog?

Well, you've got to clean all the dog slaver up at some point. But you can't see dog slaver. You know me, I'm surface clean. I'm not bothered about a deep clean and a debt hole and all that. I'm just bothered about, is there mess? i very much sweep things under the rug yes you do absolutely yeah um but yeah the straps um i couldn't get them off this is going to piss you off even more i couldn't get them off probably you cut them off yeah i just cut them off so if anyone's got that um white ikea uh yeah

high chair if you're gonna have a baby and that white Ikea high chair, and they've got some spare straps for it. If you're going to have a baby, and you look for a high chair, well, it's a bit of an advert, I suppose, but the Ikea ones are about 15 quid. Yeah, it's really good. It's very flat.

There's very little crevices. There's not many crevices to get all the little bits of shit carried in. It does what it says on the tin. It's just really good. It's quite cumbersome, actually. Cumbersome? Is that the word?

Cumbersome. Cumbersome. What did I say? Cumbersome. Cumbersome. What do you mean by, what are you trying to say? Because I don't know if you've used this word properly here. Like big.

Cumbersome. Yeah. Yeah. Ombudsman. Ombudsman? Something abroad. Ombudsman? What the hell is that?

The bank. What the hell's that the bank what the hell are you alright I don't know are you how many fingers am I holding up the bank

what the fuck's going on I don't know I don't know I'm really tired you're always tired yeah because my child doesn't sleep

he doesn't he does yeah oh he doesn't he does yeah oh he does but he wakes up every 20 minutes to have his dummy back in he screams it's really

oh god it's horrible every 20 minutes he's literally it's like he's just received some terrible news it really is he's like a really like you know in a movie

in a movie where you know they go over and they tell the woman like somebody and you hear like ahhh he just literally goes like ahhh

and then you put the dummy in and he goes ah it's alright it's like Kevin's mum Kevin! yeah yeah ridiculous

horrible but yeah so yeah I'm tired strapped her in the bin and to be fair if you'd done your little trick of tying the bin bag I wouldn't be able

to throw them in the bin would I? they'd just bounce off the top of the bin bag and you could have got them back but I had cut them so there we go

babadoo babadoo babadoo it's time for questions from the public questions from the public public public guys as always if you want to get in touch

it's shagmoutedoid at gmail.com side note we just went on Amazon and you can buy the straps but I still think just some tape would be better

strap around string perhaps no just tape, rip it off, throw it in the bin, new every time. No cleaning up,

happy days. Awful. Hi Rosie and Chris and Chris and Rosie. Ah right, okay for the things, yeah. Thank you,

appreciate it. I once got with a guy who had a fetish for being punched in the balls. Talking about getting straight to the point. Yeah. Fucking hell. I'm not joking. I was, sorry, talking about getting straight to the point yeah

fucking hell i'm not joking i was sorry i was slightly i didn't know what i was really taking about there i didn't know what to say weirdly it was like a punch in the balls was it yeah yeah i just didn't know what was going on okay he told me he wanted me to punch him as hard as i could in the balls i quite like this guy so did it, but I really struggled with it. I kept flinching at the last minute and doing it gently. Like when you try to punch yourself. Yeah. Like, oh!

Yeah. Right, I don't... See, with all of these things, I don't... See, with all of these things, I don't know when they broach it. Do they broach it in the throes of passion and just think, all right, okay. So I think they'll have been getting down to it

and they'll be doing it and be like, oh, this is so nice. And she'll be like, oh, it's really, I'm really enjoying this. And be like, punches in the balls and she'll go, what? Yeah, so it's that moment.

Punches in the balls. It's that what moment. Like, has he ever went, has he ever, during the throes of it, has he ever punched the balls and someone'll go what yeah it's that moment punches in the balls it's that what moment like has he ever went has he ever during the throws it is he ever one punched the balls and someone just went straight away and just done it do you know i mean personally i would love to do that right specifically to me no not specifically to do just in general like anybody and anyone i've had sex with and just because i'd be like all right like alright get the anger out get the letters like do you know what I mean if it was like

consensual absolutely not my thing just so you know saying it on here again for the podcast for the audio recording for the work we're here not my thing

if she ever does it it's assault I wouldn't do it to you because you haven't never asked us to do it and I never will carry on your email I kept doing it

as he asked when we were making out and did making out hang on and did... Making out? Hang on. And did give him some proper bouts. But all I could think about was how I'll be the reason he can't have children in the future. Oh, gosh.

My question to you is, if someone was asking you during sex to do something that could harm them, would you do it? Is it their own responsibility? Surely they know the risks of what they're asking you to do. Or should the puncher take responsibility for their actions? Well. Wow, that's a bit intense, isn't it? Bit heavy, but can I just say, perfect use of the sex swing. Put

him in the swing, push him out, hold your fist out, he's went into the fist. Yeah. He's went into the fist. You landed on my fist with your balls. Sorry, officer. He swung. Swung. You landed on my fist with your balls. Sorry, officer. He swung. Swung. Swung.

Swung. Swung. Swung. Swung. Swung. Swung. Sorry, officer. Two seconds.

Swung. What is it? Swinged? Swinged. Swunged. Swung. Officer, two... Sorry, officer.

Wait. Wait. What? Swung. Swung. Swung? Officer, wait, wait. Swung. Swung. Yeah. Officer, he swung it. It doesn't matter. You know what I'm getting at.

The dirty bastard. He swung it into my fist. Yes. Get him in it. Just push it right out far. And just put it out there. And he swings. Swung it.

He comes back and hits it I don't know see I'm not good with words either I don't know what's going on past tense of things I don't know what's going on I don tense of things. Past tense of things. I don't know what's going on. Oh, man, I don't bother anymore. A mess.

Honestly. Do you know what I've realised, right? It's since Robin's gone to this new school and since I've met people, obviously new people at the school, right? I don't know how to say things right. I think we've learned this on here. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

And there's times when I've used a word, and obviously with my friends at home who've known us for years, I never really think about it, and they say things and I go, well, that was wrong, but I love them and it doesn't matter. With these, I say things and I go home and think,

I said that wrong. Oh, God. And it plays over in my mind all day. What mess am I going to have to go and clear up at the school gates? No, it's not bad things. It's something like that. It's the wrong tense of stuff, and I say things and then i can't stop thinking about it after

because i go oh god why did you try to use that big word and you said it wrong but what swung no it's bigger than that like it'd be something like you know if you use like ambidextrous in a sentence or something and then later on you go, was that the right word? Right, yeah. Jesus.

Do you know what I mean? So that's my life at the minute. It's not fun at all. Okay. To the point I might not talk to them anymore because I'm just like, I can't be bothered

with the bloody anxiety that I get after this. Oh my God, do you see that Rosie Ramsey comes and picks her kid up from the school yeah she does

yeah how is she well stupid or quiet depends what day you catch her on either doesn't say anything or talks out

her fucking shit doesn't she have a podcast apparently apparently when I listened this week it sounded like a fucking sex swing advert. I turned it off.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hello, Rosie and Chris. I wanted to tell you the story about what happened to us on holiday. It still makes us howl with laughter until tears fall out of our eyes. So here goes. Myself and my two friends, Tom and Richard, went to Siam Park in Tenerife. Yes.

Is that the water park? Is it good? Yes. The day I went, I went on a stag do with my mates, hungover. We were so hungover, we didn't ever get in there until about midday. It was half term. Worst time to go.

It was half term. It was the fullest thing. You went on a stag do at half term? Why? Because my friends are fucking idiots. We booked it at half term. Idiots. We didn't have kids then.

I did. Idiots. Did we? Yeah. Oh, is that the stag do way you didn't call home for like 48 hours? At all? It is, isn't it? Yes.

Yeah, didn't text, didn't ring, nothing. Stag do. On my holidays, nothing you can do. Honestly. Stag do. We could have died. Stag do. We could have died and wouldn't even have died i found it when i got

home don't even pretend to try and be a lad because you're the furthest from yeah i was being a lad i was hungover rosie i'll tell you i'll tell you what the reason i didn't ring home i was hungover or drinking there you go uh yeah so we went to midday to the to the water park one of those slides we waited uh we stood in the queue and there was a sign next to us saying 90 minutes from here um i looked uh they had the lazy river you know the lazy river when you go around on the little rings i looked over the bridge and at the lazy river there was so many people in the lazy river it looked like a fucking bowl of cheerios could you not see the water you couldn't see the water

a bowl of cheerios the whole thing was like it was like it was in a live Veruca advert oh god I couldn't believe it anyway as I've said here it's a huge and magnificent water park

it is it's very very good not at Hofthorne right we were waiting to go on one of the bigger rides that requires four people to ride but because

we were only three of us we had to wait for a stranger to join us right so this one was the only one i could go on i don't want to tell you too much about it in case they talk about it here but it's a four ringer it's fucking amazing they don't talk about the ride itself oh so it's four ringers it looks like the ring thing looks like a four-way fidget spinner so you're sort of in the rings and you're facing each other and the actual tube for it is probably

like knocking on the sides of a tunnel that you'd go through in a car it's massive and you flick up on the sides of it and at one point go through in a car. It's massive. And you flick up on the sides of it. And at one point, I was literally like above me mate. It was amazing. It was the only one we went on. Horrible. Really good.

That causes me massive amount of just horrible stress in my body. So good. I hate stuff like that. So good. So anyway, so a stranger eventually came to sit with us.

Yes. That's nice. Four people sit facing each other with legs all crossed over each other on a square dinghy like a boat. There we are. And we were off. You shoot down a slide into what can only be described as a massive half pipe. There we are.

Yeah, is that the same one? Yeah. Tom was facing opposite the stranger. And as we swooped up on one side, the man's leg came up and his toe popped into Tom's mouth. Because I've been on it, it's even funnier. I know exactly where it was. Popped, popped in.

Popped into Tom's mouth. And it only fell out again as Tom screamed. And as we swooshed down. When we got off the ride, Tom was doubled up laughing as the stranger quickly rejoined the rest of his family.

Brilliant. Knock his number or anything? Not arrange to see each other again? What a slag. He told us the story and we have not stopped laughing. We wonder if A, the man deliberately put the toe in.

No chance. Or B, it was purely accidental. Pure accidental. And now the man thinks that Tom is a phantom toe sucker. As you whip back down, he wouldn't have been able to move his head back

because it would have been lurching forward and he wouldn't have been able to move his foot. That's really funny. So it would have just been stuck in his mouth. It would have just been like glonk. It would have stayed in for probably forward and he wouldn't be able to move his foot out. So it would have just been stuck in his mouth?

It would have just been like glonk. It would have stayed in for probably a second or two seconds but I guarantee it would have felt like it was him. That's not even his friend. I wonder if they made eye contact while it was happening. Oh, that's horrible that is. There's a little PS here and it says, can you ask Tom and Richard if they would like to marry each other as both are waiting for the other one to propose and it's doing my head in. I need a wedding.

Kind regards, Sarah. Right. Is this real? Well, I mean, she's wrote in and that's her friends, Tom and Richard. So she's saying, can you just hurry up and propose to each other? I don't know if I'm up for that because I feel like Tom really had a connection

with that guy with a toe in his mouth and I don't think he should settle for it. I think he should find... I think he should go back and find this guy. But what about... Toe Man has a family, children, everything. It's not a matter.

He didn't in that second, did he? Yeah, he didn't. It all disappeared for that one moment of toe-sucking, slide-slipping glory. Come on, Tom, don't settle for Rich Head.

Go back to that park. Find... Wait, it was Rich Head's toe, eh? Yeah, exactly. It wasn't there? It was there, but it was nowhere near your mouth, was it?

Exactly. It doesn't know what you're like yeah I'd get married if you're both asking but that's not not our job but yeah get married

or don't get married I'm not bothered but have a nice time well I think a marriage is lovely I love a wedding yeah but we can't just ask them to marry

you know one of them might be planning to propose that's what she said they're both I hope I haven't ruined anything well exactly that's why I'm like

worried because what if they're both planning it and we've shat all over Well, exactly. That's why I'm worried because what if they're both planning it and we've shat all over it? I'm not bothered. But hey, look. I love a wedding, me. Well, I'm not going to a fan's wedding.

These might not even, this is just her. They might not even listen. She'll be the only one. Look who's here, everyone. You are there. Look at it. I kind of recognise him.

Who's that? Look at it. The Mintman, the podcast. Oh, are they going to do it now? No, they're just here to like eat and drink your stuff

I think they're good alright then I we haven't got any weddings this year nah we need some

don't we no one's getting married I'm not that bothered I love a wedding you always try and take the kids

and you ruin it I'm not anymore I've learnt my lesson I have it's not fun I'd rather stay in the house

yeah I mean that's it's not fun it's promise you. It's not fun. I'd rather stay in the house. Yeah, well, I mean, that's... It's not fun. It's so awful. Do you know that? It's just not fun. You've managed to ruin everything. Taking kids to things where you should be just drinking and socialising,

it just ruins it. Ruins it. Is it part of your life, Chris? Yeah, but I'll take them soft play, or I'll take them somewhere, or I'll take them swimming, or I'll take them trampoline park, you know,

or I'll take them to things that they're going to enjoy as much as me. And I i'm not gonna like our friends all came around the other day for sunday dinner it was lovely but i was very aware that everyone was just looking after their own kid in the same place yeah that's like say goodbye to a good chunk of your life because that's what happens yeah but then again i'm gonna sort of mediate that by not taking them to places like oh having a christening you're gonna bring all the kids to the christener? No, I'm just going to end up, I mean, in a suit,

couple of beers, running around after me kid all day. Well, in their defence though, in the kids' defence, the last time we went to a wedding without any kids, I threw a shoe at you. You did throw a shoe at me.

Because you were really upset because I had a cigarette. Yeah, yeah. And you went, for some absolute unknown reason, Don't want you to die. Don't want you to die. Don't want you to give yourself cancer. reason don't want you to die don't want you to die i don't know you went didn't want to give yourself ridiculous didn't want to lose you didn't want to lose you honestly drunk and cigarette i saw you literally i was furious

i was absolutely furious i was drunk as well to be fair i saw you standing there with that cigarette in your mouth honestly genuinely, genuinely, hand on heart, I'd rather it was a strange-ass tour. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah! Hi, Chris, Rosie and the boys. I've listened to the podcast from the start and always wanted to send in, but never had anything to say

until this popped into my head and I started laughing. Oh, lovely. Thank you. As a child, did you ever just lie for no reason at all? We have talked about this before. I think we've talked about lying as a child did you ever just lie for no reason at all we've talked we have talked about this i think we've talked about lying as a child i said about the hair um no sorry not here about horse riding when i went to my sister's horse riding lesson right and i had a turn and the woman was like have you ever horse rode i was like yes oh yeah and she just yeah yeah she was like oh well then you can go on toffee who's 75 hands high and i was like i've never been on one.

Stupid measurement, that, by the way, for horses. What on earth are they doing? What in the name of God are they doing, measuring horses with hands? Whose hand? I know, everyone's hands are different size. What are you doing with the hand as well? Is it open? Is it closed? Is it a fist?

Stupid. Do they just go up the legs with one hand in front of the other? You must look like a right toucher. You must look like a right toucher standing there. Like a fucking mime. Like a mime? Like mime in your way? Like there's a glass box in front of the horse?

What the hell are you doing? How tall is that horse? Hang on a minute. One hand? Two hands? How many hands is that horse? And now what is that in real measurement, you fucking hobbit? You're living in the shire talking shit. Do they still measure in hands?

It's a good reference. It was good when you said it. Thank you. I remember, I told you didn't I once, a friend of mine was in my house when I was younger and he saw a photo of me. And you said it was your brother. I said it was my brother who died and he was mortified. Oh god, yeah. Chris, that is so bad. Yeah, so it was a photo of me as a toddler and i must have been six or whatever and he went who's that and i went with my brother who died that is he was like oh my god he went

and asked me mom and dad and mom and dad were like no never say that again that's really fucking dark and weird jesus yeah well anyway this person's uh wrote in and said from first school to middle school i used to just lie for an example i told all my friends one day that my dad had a job in spain and we were moving in a few weeks put some brackets my dad is a window cleaner right there's windows in spain there is another lie i told all my friends i had been to say jls and they all kissed me on my hand this so this is all the friends kissed her on her no jls friends kissed her on the hand No, JLS all kissed her on the hand Sorry I love the idea that she goes I've been to see JLS And just puts her hand out like the Pope

And all her friends just start kissing her hand One of them's late One's been to the toilet What's everyone doing? She's been to see JLS Alright, okay, I get in the queue to kiss her You are our leader now Why would GLS all kiss her on the hand i don't know but this is so this just put all my favorite and this is also my favorite

as well i had one of the girls in my class convinced that JK Rowling was my mother and the woman who picked me up was my child minder but because But because of the paparazzi, we pretend she's my mum. Wow. Within that lie, I also said that I knew the cast of Harry Potter and it was a shame that Uncle Dumbledore was in hospital. Fucking hell, that's dark. Wow. That's planned out.

That's sociopath behaviour. Wow. Uncle Dumbledore. Uncle Dumbledore. Uncle Dumbledore. Rest in peace. Poor mam. I'd be devastated, right, if Robin O'Raeve went to school and were like,

that's me childminder. Me real mam is Victoria Beckham. And she just looks after us. Imagine. Any kid with half a brain cell would look at them beans as chins and look at your chin and go, that's definitely their mum.

There's a relation. That is not a Victoria Beckham jawline on either of those boys if ever I've seen one. Wow. That is a winter. That is a rosy winter chin. Here's a question.

Who would you want to pretend that your mum was? When I was a kid? Instead of your mum, you've had to say that's your child. Your real mum. I'm at school. Little Anne is your child mind I write. She's my child mind I. But you're telling all your friends you've got your real mum. Am I at school

now or am I at school back then? Depends. Which one do you want to do? Both. Totally depends. Do back then. Do back then. Okay. Who did I like back then? Honestly, I'd have probably said something really weird and bland, like Anthea Turner. She'd have been a nice man, I think.

Anthea Turner's my man. She's a good man figure, I think. Or Jet from Gladiators, but that would have been weird, because I fancied her, so that would have been a weird sexual Freud thing. You know what I mean? Yeah. Who would you have said was your man? Someone cuddly.

Barney the dinosaur? Someone cuddly? Youney the dinosaur? Someone cuddly. You sound like a neglected child. Someone who could show affection. Somebody nice. Someone who I like. I have a telly. Lorraine Kelly?

No, who was that woman on the telly, on the kids' telly, who used to drive around with the dog in the aeroplane with the spots on? Probably her. No. Right. I don't know her name. on the kids telly who used to drive around with the dog in the aeroplane with the spots on probably her no right I don't know her name bit of a hard lie

when you don't know her fucking name that woman there is not me that's a child my real mam is the woman who drives around

in plane with the spots on do you know her yeah her that's my real mam someone cuddly who can cuddle us I can't think of anyone

I can't think dad would have been a better one. Yeah? I'd have lied about me. I'd have 100% said Arnold Schwarzenegger. Arnold Schwarzenegger, yeah. I'd have definitely said I was obsessed with Arnold Schwarzenegger when I was a kid. I'd have probably said what's his name, man? Rocky. What's his name? Sylvester Stallone. Sylvester Stallone.

We've both gone high end Hollywood action. Yeah, I know. Because that was our childhood. Well, that's what the 80s did. The 80s and 90s pumped out all of these action films and you thought that was the way to go. So there we go. Yeah. I've just remembered something.

I told a kid at school once that I had asthma. I was obsessed. I wanted asthma so much because kids had inhalers. Yeah. I just had gadgets. Yeah, no, I used to have a buff on my friend's inhaler all the time. I said that I had asthma and I had a new kind of inhaler that I'm trialling and I used to put it in my mouth and pretend to suck it.

Can you remember the little tubs that they used to put film in from cameras? Can you remember the little plastic film tubs? The Kodak little tubs. The little Kodak tubs. Can you remember? Well, my mum actually used to put me dinner money in it so there's £2 in the tub.

I don't know why I carry this tub. It was so much easier to carry £2. It's true. I can't believe I haven't told you this. Did you have no pockets? Well, yeah. What have you got in the little tub for? Because I didn't put the tub in my pocket. Oh, okay. Yeah, that's what we were talking about. Fair enough. I mean, I'm laughing, but I used to do

stuff like that all the time. You used to pretend it was in here then. But there's nothing in there. Nothing, no. Right. Weird. I said, alright, yeah. Weird. and you used to pretend it was your inhaler yeah yeah but there's nothing no nothing in there nothing no right weird weird it was really really unhealthy

how much I wanted asthma yeah so when I saw a kid with the normal inhaler I was like oh I want that and then when they got the big plastic thing

oh the coned thing heavens to Betsy yeah I was like coming into school like a fucking sniper opening a case and putting all this stuff together

couldn't believe it kid had contact lenses once I saw him put them in wow cleaned them and then put them in oh I was desperate coming into school like a fucking sniper opening a case and putting all this stuff together. Couldn't believe it. Kid had contact lenses once or so and pulled them in. Wow. Cleaned them and then put them in. Oh, I was desperate for glasses. Oh, I really wanted glasses. Pathetically new.

When I worked at Pontons, I used to, well, I had some without any glass in. Oh yeah, hipsters have been doing that for a while. Just, see through glasses.

Just, this is not to do with asthma or anything like that, but I remember when we were kids, and you know, obviously, imaginations, I think were better in our generation because there wasn't as much stuff.

We used to play teachers, right? And my Kate would always be the main teacher, and I would have to be a pupil. I never got to be the teacher, right? My Kev, bless him, he was just, I deny, he used to... Well, he wasn't involved, was he? Not very often. And now and then your mom would give him

the tea boy yeah bring us a jug of juice and some tea and some biscuits um so we used to the blackboard so it'd be dark right but dark like in the window it would get dark a bit earlier we're playing teachers yeah the blackboard would be the window yes and the pen would be a pen lid I remember when you told me that was genius yeah so the blackboard would be the window yeah and then we used to pretend genius with the with the pen lid but I never got to use the pen lid. I remember when you told me that, it was genius. Yeah. So the blackboard would be the window with the black night outside. And then we used to pretend with the pen lid, but I never got to use the pen lid because Kate was the main teacher. She was very selfish like that actually. She was always the

main secretary and then I was the assistant called Moon for some reason. But yeah, I never got to be, whenever we played sister actually, it was the one with the ginger hair and now it's the other one. Sorry, sorry. This is our podcast. Do you think you're in therapy? This is our podcast here. Why?

What a mum. Someone cuddly. I never got to use the pen lid. This is still the podcast. You're not on a Zoom call with your therapist, love. Just looking back, I never got to be the main one. No? Do you want to be the main one now? Go on. Thank you. Well done, you. She'll probably come knocking at the door going,

get that pen lid out of your pannier, stupid bitch. Are you letting her touch the pen lid, Chris? Do not let her touch the pen lid. Mum! Mum's touching the pen lid. Rosie, don't touch the pen lid. I've got to say, using the blackboard, the windows of the blackboard is very innovative,

very clever, well done. Wasn't my idea. I didn't think it was. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. Thank you as always and you have been listening to Shagmire Denied, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. Yes, thank you very much guys. We'll be back with you next week and obviously just to echo what we said earlier, thank you so much for voting.

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