Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 16. Fanny by the gaslight

Episode Date: May 31, 2019

This week Rosie and Chris record the podcast next to the bare carcass of a chicken (good effort Rosie). They discuss tag team lie ins, embarrassing kid stories, lazy DIY and give some advice to couples going on holiday together. Or not. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Hello. You're listening to Shag Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Chris Ramsey, who has just bought an Apple Watch.

Not sponsored, he's just bought it. He's in love with it. He said he got it because he's going to go running, hasn't been running yet. I'm already bored of the watch. I've had it a couple of hours, give us a chance. I'm going to go running later, but it is very good. We'll see. And I've never had a turn on one before and I had a turn on one in the shop and I thought alright I'll have one of them

and it's very very nice you're a geek and it's really sad to watch I am you hate me getting new stuff don't you I do sorry

doesn't let us enjoy anything shall we crack on unbelievable thank you for listening guys episode 16 and obviously before we start a word from this week's sponsor

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Just in case no one heard that. Just in case you've got to repeat it loads like catchy. Do you know what I mean like compare the marketing that they say it again and again yeah cupboards

are full of it everyone be saying it now I'll be walking down the street and it'll be like Peter K garlic bread but they'll be like hey your

cupboards are full of it I'm like yes yes I promise you they won't absolutely won't you done first person first person do that gets a fiver are you done yeah

food glorious food oh that's a badiver. I don't. Yeah. Food glory is food. Oh, that's a bad slogan. No, the slogan is food glorious food. Thank you. Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle.

Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap, jingle! Hello and welcome back, this is episode 16, thank you so much for returning and coming and listening again. We are very happy to have you here. This is a safe space to say what you like. Is it? We can really, we do genuinely say what we like.

Well we do, but I mean anyone else can, we can't hear them, but you can say what you like is it we can really we do genuinely say what we like well we do but i mean anyone else can we can't hear them but you can say what you like oh yeah i mean if you got your headphones in and you know there's no one around who's gonna get upset and see what you just scream exactly go crazy go you know what we get we get so many messages from people saying they don't like listening to this on the train or in public or on the bus because they keep laughing i get that as well yeah that's the main tweet i get about this guys just laugh man like just that if you guess what if you've got headphones in people know that you're listening to something do you know i mean i i'm the same i worry so much about what strangers think of us and i've got in the new show that i'm writing the stand-up show i've got a lot this isn't a plug but i've got a load of bits about how i worry about other

people saying just laugh yeah people are walking the dog if you are i mean granted we haven't said anything funny yet we should probably crack on but i mean you haven't shut up since we started jesus christ are you all right i just want everyone to be happy what's the matter with you i'm getting excited it's that watch isn't't it? It is. For God's sake. Honestly, I'm talking really quick and I'm getting loads out because I want to get this over with as soon as possible because I've had to put the watch on airplane mode and I miss it. Right, would you just chill out?

Gosh, my hands smell like chicken. Yeah, you can't see, guys, but she's sniffing her fingers now. So before we started, hey, how do you like to warm up for a podcast? Brackets, a performance of the vocal kind i had a glass of water and a banana a little while ago rosie just picked a carcass a chicken carcass to within an inch of its life i'm looking over at our kitchen bench and i can see the chicken carcass and it looks like it looks like the the bit on the Lion King where the hyenas knock about oh like with all the bones the elephant graveyard

it looks it's but I'm sorry it's carnage the bit underneath they're like dead man's skin yeah oh it's lovely that

that's my favourite bit just sucking on it anyway I should wash my hands should I wash my hands have I got time no I'll leave them I mean it doesn't matter

it doesn't matter I mean so if someone's just woke up... I know there's people who listen to this podcast at half past seven in the morning when it comes out or seven o'clock on a Friday morning and respect you if you're listening to it now. But yeah, the last thing you want to know is that me wife's fingers stink of greasy chicken.

Morning! Better than fish. Fair point. Anyway, what have you been up to? I haven't been up to much. No? I've just been looking at me diary to see what I've been up to. I've been up to almost nothing.

You've had a bit of a boring week. Really boring week. My best friend, Angela, and her husband, Darren, had a baby. They did have a baby. Congratulations, Angela and Darren. Tiny. She was beautiful. Yeah, I held her.

She was the smallest baby I've ever held in my life. She was so little. Honestly, I could have put her in my wallet. She was tiny. She was only five pounds when she was born. But that's because Robin was ten pounds. I mean, yeah. Robin was a baby elephant. Honestly, I could have put her in my wallet. She was tiny. She was only five pound when she was born. But that's because Robin was ten pound. I mean, yeah. Robin was a baby elephant.

Yeah. Massive. Minging. I was looking at a photo of him today. He was actually repulsive. Excuse me? When he first came out, he looked like a fucking pillow. He looked like a fucking bag of marshmallows. was crazy he looked like a mushroom when he came out do you remember he was huge 10 pound 11 and a half craziness but they but they

told us it was 10 pound 5 didn't they and that was massive but then they actually said oh no we've completely got it wrong and he's 10 pound 11 and a half they tell us that after I'd already done the routine about him being 10 pound 5 on the Royal Variety by the way

so I lied to royalty thank you Sheil's Hospital making me look like an idiot shocking yeah so they've had a little girl which is amazing

and I've already had the chat have I told you this? no so my two best friends in the world Angela and Steph have both now got little girls right and obviously i've got a little boy which is wonderful three

healthy beautiful kids it's amazing but i was very much of the ilk of like i don't want to be left on my own when i'm older so i've already said to them can i please just be invited to like days out with you and your daughter oh god it's a tragedy are you gonna get some new business cards printed rosie rosie ramsey professional third wheel that's the saddest thing i know but how it makes sense like don't get me wrong i really want to have a lovely relationship with robin and I want me to go out for dinners and spa days and everything

but from you know my brother doesn't do that with me mam you don't do that with your mam I don't know many men

who spend time with their mams I've been on a spa day with my mam before have you? yeah when? Mother's Day when?

one Mother's Day years ago a few years probably six years ago right I took my mam to the Malmays on Newcastle

oh you did aye oh yeah remember that oh well that was nice why don't you do that again then that was weird see see what I mean

right I'm screwed I am screwed no it was really nice actually it was really nice I know what I mean I should knock around

with my mum a lot more you should I see my dad quite a lot because my dad's always doing DIY around here And I'm always standing around having a chat with him We always stand drinking cups of tea And putting the world to rights But I should probably see my mum

You really should Guys out there See your mums more Yeah Yeah Because oh I'm devastated I'm going to be left in the shadows I love that you've formally requested to be

I've said to them Yeah this is Please just when we're older Can I come I'm going to get me wedding dress fitted. This is me mum and this is me mum's friend Rosie who comes to all the stuff.

That's going to be me. Honestly. I've said, Rosie, I love you but you can't come to the labour ward when I'm giving birth because it's getting weird now. Please. Please. Scratching the door like a fucking dog. Involve me in female activities

please I haven't got a long life and as well you know my sister has got two little boys and my brother

and his girlfriend have got a little boy as well there's no girls I know I know screwed do you remember

all them remember this is just totally nothing to do with that. But do you remember them things when people said that you can't get pregnant doing certain things? Yeah. Do you remember them?

I heard when I was younger that you couldn't get pregnant if you were stood up. Right. Or if you were a virgin. Right. Which neither of them are true. Guys, if you're listening, they're not true. You can get pregnant

love that if this is a sitcom would flash now to the guy who told you that and he's got like 20 kids he's just got it somebody once told me and they were lying and so yeah nothing been happening really nothing much at all genuinely boring very boring i might be new show again for the the the recording at the Time Theatre. Like I say, that's pretty much sold out. I worked out, you know, it says the back seats,

people aren't buying the back seats, right? Because it says limited view. It's only limited view if it's for full production. There won't be limited view because it's just me in the middle of the stage. It means if there's

a full pantomime on, you might not see the house on the top left. Why don't you tweet that instead of wasting valuable airtime on our podcast? Well, it's always...

Explaining utter shite. I just like to show everyone how supportive you are as a wife thank you i'll shut the f up what's your beef what's your beef beef beef beef beef i have spoken to my friend steph who helped me with the jingle yeah and we think we're going to come up with another little jingle of what's your beef great so watch this space okay that's very good i'm so glad to be part of that as the shag married annoyed team that's great glad i got run sorry an email would have done you know just you know just and i'll send you one now hello chris i'll just turn me watch off i'll just turn me watch off flight mode we're gonna do a jingle for what's your beef it's gonna cost nothing just to let you know cool love rosie your team mate cool oh it's got an email there oh it's from you

um i'll get back in a couple of weeks okay um did you get me out of office reply it says uh sorry i currently am playing with my apple watch and i can't call right now Sorry, I currently am playing with my Apple Watch and I can't call right now. I haven't worked out how to email back on it. Stop. You go first this week. Okay. My beef this week is long-running beef.

As anyone out there with children will know, if you've got a toddler, young kids, sometimes you sort of play, you play kind of lie in tennis with each other. One of you will get up one morning, one of you will get up the next morning, and you'll sort of play it as a team game. When it's my turn to get up, Robin wants to get up, I wake up, I give him a cuddle,

we get up, we leave the room, and we leave you in peace to sleep. Rosie, you, when it's your turn to get up with him, you initiate some kind of Guantanamo Bay-style torture on me. He comes in our bed. Mommy, you want to go downstairs?

Daddy, you want to go downstairs? Mommy, you want to go downstairs? Oh, Mommy's getting a wee today, son. Two minutes, son, two minutes. He's rolling our lower. He keeps slapping us and that. He's shouting. You're just asleep, eyes closed, completely ignoring him.

The other day, you took to the next level. The other day, you went, go and get your toys, Robin. Bring them in our bed. He went and got his toys, brought them in the bed, because you know that I will get pissed off before you and I'll just end up getting up. Am I right? Yes.

Bastard. You're a bastard. Right. It's not fair no this all comes down to being able to snooze right I can't snooze

from a well I can really well like deep sleep yeah them nine minutes I am flat out horrible

I swear I've seen you before I've seen you trying to start your nine nine snoozes on your alarm it's torture it's horrible honestly if you're listening now Oh, I've seen you trying to start your nine snoozes on your alarm.

It's torture. It's horrible. Honestly, if you're listening now, anyone listening, and you put more than one snooze on your alarm, you're a maniac and you should be put in prison. It's horrendous. I love it, me. I mean, I did once know a girl.

We worked with a girl in a band and we were all sharing a caravan together. And we would have to like, she'd just snored as well. So she'd have to sleep in like the big sitting room on the pullout bed. We'd be in the bedrooms. Our snooze would go off that much that one of us would have to get up to turn it off and wake her up because she slept through it that much. Well, I've just remembered two stories on this.

What? First one, I was staying in a hotel in London and it was one of them rooms with a joining door although I wasn't with anyone so it was just like you know I put stuff up against it to make sure someone didn't walk in the middle of the night

terrifying like a cupboard to a person in the morning I must have been walking about six o'clock half past six on a Saturday by a phone alarm

just going off and it was right next to the door so it was just coming through the crack of the door and I was braying on the door and I couldn't and i phoned up reception and i was like look this person's alarm's going off next door i think they might be dead and reception were like terrified and someone came up and i opened my door and i looked out and this guy was like standing like really scared knocking on the door no one was answering and then he opened it

with his key it was just some twat it was just a really sound sleeper and they put their phone alarm right next to my door what i i was devastated but i was literally like i think i found a dead body like this is terrifying second time it happened sound asleep yeah yeah just sound just yeah if you sleep through your alarm you're a piece of shit as well if you're listening by the way um carl utchinson when i said no i'm you're all getting done today you're all getting dealt with uh carl utchinson uh we used to live with he used to come in drunk on a night and put his podcasts on right he didn't have a podcast of this caliber at the time he was listening to something else rubbish um and what he used to do is he used to have it on blaring like just you know he always he has to go to sleep to a podcast he can't just go to sleep he's got to watch something yeah whatever and the amount of times i'd wake up middle night and i

could just hear his podcast blaring and once i knocked on his wall nothing i knocked on the door nothing i opened his door and i went in his room and i had a hold of his leg and i'm shaking him going carl carl he wouldn't get up i leant over his sleeping body turned his phone off next morning I just heard him going off it because he was late for work he was a teacher at the time

oh because his alarm didn't go off because I turned his phone off he got up at like 10 o'clock he was like oh god what's happened

but then but that's right okay how do people not have a natural alarm yeah if I've got to be up at 8 o'clock in the morning

you won't catch a sleep you'll be up this is the thing that's just so what's the word like inappropriate lazy

it's not the right word anyway inappropriate's not the word pig headed yes that's what it is pig headed pig headed

on air them books that I sometimes listen to when I go on holiday that I read that I buy in the airport the Jack Reacher ones they did the films with Tom Cruise. He's got amazing things.

He used to be in the army. And he says this thing where you go to sleep and you'd be like, I set the alarm in my head for 6 a.m. And he closes his eyes, he breathes in, he breathes out, and then he's asleep. And then he wakes up at 6 a.m. on the dot. For real? I don't know if it's a real thing, but I'd love to learn it.

Should we try it tomorrow? No. Well, great. Imagine mastering it in in one night do you know what i've got a i've got an apple watch it'll probably do that first oh are you wearing that for bed can we stop talking about the watch i'm gonna put it around my dick i'll let you get a smaller strap off the internet. Might get an elastic band. Okay, my current beef with you is that at the minute, you keep walking around the house and spotting things that need to be done

and saying things like, Rosie, when are we putting these clothes away in Robin's room? Or when are we putting these clothes away in Robin's room? Or when are we changing the sheets? But you know full well that you don't do either of those things. So I don't know why you're saying it and putting we in. I kind of think you're gaslighting us, but I'm aware of it. So it's confusing and it's not nice at the same time. So you say, when are we putting them clothes away? But really what you so you say when are we putting them clothes away but

really what you mean is when are you putting them clothes away and when are we when are we make when are we changing the sheets on the bed when are you changing the sheets on the bed rosie do you know you're doing this right yeah i know i'm doing it uh two things first of all um i just feel like i'm part of the team if I'm reminding you to do it and I'm spurring you on to do it I feel like I'm kind of like Mickey and you're Rocky I'm like your trainer great and I'm like you're a wrecking machine and you can put them away and I'm just like getting a chase a chicken round outside and then pick its carcass dry um I feel that it sounds better than when are you gonna do that but i know but there's

it might sound better i know what you mean it means the same thing yeah maybe i'm just softening the blow yeah maybe you should stop being such a wanker well secondly can i just say do it yourself yeah no secondly the day you found out what gaslighting was is the worst day of my life you don't really know what it means still get off your computer get off no i'm just getting the thing you don't really know what it means still and every single thing that happens around the house you claim i'm gaslighting you and it's really irritating and you know what claiming i'm constantly gaslighting you is a form of gaslighting okay here we go right gaslighting right Right, okay, here we go. Right, gaslighting. Right, manipulate someone by psychological means, doubting their own sanity.

That's what you do. That's what you do! Just all of that, that blanket umbrella covers everything you do. Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation that seeks to sow seeds of doubt in a targeted individual. Oh, when are we gonna do when are we gonna do this i don't know we've never done this before am i doing something wrong right that right first of all making them question their own memory rosie when you going to when we going to do this this is this is boll. This is utter bollocks. Using persistent denial,

misdirection, contradiction, and lying, it attempts to destabilise the victim and delegitimise the victim's belief. That's you, mate. You've been gaslighting me for years. That's you, mate.

First of all, can I just say as well, before I heard that, I thought gaslighting was just when you farted under the duvet and pushed someone's head under. That's cupcake. It's Dutch oven.

Oh, yeah. Boom. Anyway, so I just want to finish it there, really, and just say, would you please just say, are you changing the sheets? Yeah. You know, that's another one. What time are we making tea?

You've never made tea in your whole fucking life. What did I make for you today for lunch? Oh, you made us a chicken salad and I nearly shit my pants because I've never seen you make us a lunch in the whole time we've been together. I make spaghetti bolognese. I always make spaghetti bolognese. You've made it like three times.

I've made lasagna before. Before? We've been together seven years? Once? You've made it once? You're invited to an immersive listening party We've been together seven years. What? You've made it once? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall.

For tickets, visit tso.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's the girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil.

It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil.

Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. The Impeders Friday. Get tickets now. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th

when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com it's time for questions from the public public public public public pub i like pubs as always i like pubs as always god the pubs as always god I can't remember the last time I went to a pub

bloody hell as always guys absolutely love you getting in touch please keep emailing in shagmarydroid at gmail.com and so you know what

something we haven't said for a while what on iTunes and stuff and all your little podcast apps rate and subscribe guys apparently this is a thing rate and subscribe

please rate click the little five stars obviously five don't bother with four three or one don't you dare if you press don't you dare

we don't want to know we don't want to know furious keep it to your fucking self turn it off yeah please rate please subscribe that would be lovely

but also email and get in touch because we love hearing from you because it makes up the bulk of the podcast yes I think as well when you subscribe

especially on iTunes it makes it easier to download yeah well I subscribed and I've got it every morning that's what we found haven't we Yes. I think as well when you subscribe, especially on iTunes, it makes it easier to download. Yeah, well, I subscribed and I've got it every morning. That's what we've found, haven't we? Yeah, every morning it comes out, I've just got it straight away. Good stuff. Admin out of the way. Yeah.

Let's crack on. Dear Rosie and Chris, my partner's dad recently shared this story about when he was a baby. He was being held on his mum's lap with his nappy off when his dad spotted he was doing a baby. He was being held on his mum's lap with his nappy off when his dad spotted he was doing a poo. With lightning reflexes, his dad finished his tea he was drinking and caught the poo

in his mug. Hooray! Good God. To this day, his dad likes to tell his visitors this story when they're having a brew, but won't tell them which mug it was in, little Tinker. So, so our question is what's your most embarrassing story that your parents have about you from tired new parents maddie and matt just how old is that how

long do you keep mugs for i mean if you kept it after that i mean i would throw it away immediately but yeah doesn't tell the mug. What a legend. I love that. I love that he finished the tea. Do you know what I mean? No, he'd finished his tea.

No, I said, with lightning reflexes, you said he quickly finished his tea. Oh yeah, he finished his tea. I want to imagine it was a full boiling hot cup.

Screaming. Mouth's just pissing her blood. Blistered. I'm suffering from me heart. This will make a fantastic anecdote one day. My sister, Kate, constantly brings up something to me.

Right. I've just got myself comfortable in the chair. I don't know if you know this. I love it even better now. When I was younger, I don't know why, right? I God, I love it even better now. When I was younger, Yeah. I don't know why, right? I must have been about six or seven. Yeah.

But I used to wipe my bum on the family hand towel in the bathroom. Oh, that is manky. That's disgusting. And Kate caught us a couple of times and told me mum so me mum was like Rosie stop wiping your

why were you doing that you animal I don't know mark are you territory I don't know why I would do it couple of questions right were you

leaning up and just doing it as it was on the rail or the hook were you taking off and using it like toilet paper or were you holding one end at the front, one at the back and like flossing from back to front? I can remember

it. It used to live on the bath on the side of the bath next to the toilet and I just used to wipe my bum like it was toilet roll. That's so bad. That is honestly terrible. Did the final straight away or did your dad go for a wash? I don't know.

I can't remember how long. I think I was doing it for quite a while in Cape Cod as well. Oh, you feral little minger. I know. I'm sorry. Oh.

It's awful, isn't it? I was horrible, kid, mate. Hold on. Is that the marks on our towels? It's the pattern. That bath mat. That bath mat the other day

got up and walked itself to the washing machine. My bath mat was dry. It's like a rye vita. Snap it. Oh, gosh. You're all right. Okay, I've got one.

My mum brings this up quite a lot. So, not as disgusting as yours. Shows how much of a pure child I was, basically. I got a like a bible stories book for it might have been birthday or maybe easter i think okay just a little bible stories book uh and we were somewhere like in the shops or something with my mom yeah and we're talking to my friend in the shop and our friend said um what are you gonna do tonight you're gonna go home you're gonna play out you're gonna play in the garden

or whatever and i went there no i'm just gonna go sit in my bedroom and read my bible can i just we wouldn't have gone on can you imagine but i don't think i did read my Bible, but I think I thought the idea of going and reading my Bible was really good, but this woman was like, oh, oh, lovely, that's very nice. My mum was like, you're not going to, stop lying. You're not going to read your Bible. Do you know what the tragedy, I'm laughing,

but I grew up really Catholic, so we did read a Bible before bed. Yeah, I did it by choice, bitch. Yeah. I was rebelling, me. Oh, you were rebelling all right the hand towels for the victims again me mate carl lutchinson he's got one of these that we talk about all the time when we're on tour he was in the shops with his mom he was in the big asda

at balden uh when he was little and uh he but we always i remember a name of how many times he's told the story. Okay. But he's mom's friend, Lynn. And I mean, Lynn needs a talk now because her pata's lifting. Because she just asked Carl, six-year-old Carl, what his favorite kind of sandwich was. Right. Which is shit pata. Like she deserved what she got.

Because so Lynn, the story goes that Lynn went, what's your favorite kind of sandwich? And Carl said, poo and wee. And apparently Carl's mom was like, Carl, sorry Lynn. But my favorite bit of the story is Carl got home later on. And it's just the wee. His dad said it. Carl got home. And obviously the mom had told the dad.

And his dad was like, right, we need to have a word made in you. But what you said at the shops to Lynn, and this is what got us, poor Lynn. And it was like, poor Lynn, as if Lynn's like shell shocked. As if like Lynn heard it and now she's in like, you know, like an old sort of like 20s style straight jacket in a padded room. Just like crying her eyes out like our life fell apart after she heard it

it wouldn't even stay together another one here me and my partner recently bought some made to measure blinds online when they got delivered we realised we didn't have a power drill to put them up we couldn't be arsed to drive over to my mum

and dad's who live 7 minutes away so we just glued them up with super glue shut up the same thing happened when i bought a fancy new light shade and the fitting wasn't right so i just glued it on now we can't turn the big light on though because the glue might melt luckily we've got a big lamp that's good to know. I was just wondering what is the laziest DIY you two have done around the house? Thanks Luke and Jamie. Wow. It's crazy. How can you super glue blinds? How good is your super glue?

They are not going to last up, them blinds. I mean, you're going to try and open them once and they're gonna come off the wall yeah superglue what would your brain even go to just superglue and summing up would it I mean superglue comes in tiny little another time it's the really the really really fucking eye drop bottle what have they just dotted a couple of dots along the thing I don't know

how that works tell you what you want to go with the name of that super glue because that sounds amazing

um I remember it's a lazy DIY a lazy I mean I've still got I was sitting in my office

the other day and I moved the shelves I painted I put shelves up and I painted the whole room and then I moved the shelves honestly six months ago and there's

still a massive patch of wall that is the same color as it was before the shelf was there and the holes are all still there oh so you just need to fill them in no i filled them in but i've left the poly filler like just lumps of it it looks like someone's spunk all over the wall there's like some lumps of poly filler favorite that's my. That's my laziest thing I do. I go, I'll fill that hole in. I fill the hole in and then I never sand it down. I've noticed, yeah. Yeah, and I never paint it.

There's one behind you. I know, I know. It's great. There's one in the wall. It's there. Literally there. I look at that all the time. It makes us really sad.

But I tried to sand it once and then it went black because there was something on the sandpaper. Yeah. So I've given up. So we're both shite. Well, no, I'm crap at DIY. I don't even try. I'm terrible at DIY.

You are getting better, though. I mean, that's brilliant, that look and jamming. Super glue's amazing. But they're big light as well. You turn that, what's that? It was a big lampshade, a fancy new light shade. The fitting wasn't right, so I glued it on. What the hell's going on in this house? They're scared to put it on because the glue will melt it don't they turn the light on they'll get off their tits they'll be high as kites wow

wow i just love it i'm popping out after the kids i've glued them down take the dog for a walk I've glued it to the treadmill his coaster's good it's glued to the table yeah love it got a short one here short and to the point hi Rosie and Chris

have you ever had sex on a plane have you ever had sex on a plane now no I thought you were going to say yes

I was going to be like what no no no no I've never had sex on a plane have you had sex on a plane. Have you had sex on a plane? No.

And I don't believe anyone ever has. Really? In my opinion, unless it's Floyd Mayweather on a private jet or someone on a private jet, I think on a commercial airliner, I don't think anyone has ever had sex. I beg to differ. Nah.

I reckon they have. I think everyone's lying. Do you? I think only people with private jets have done it If you have had sex on a plane If you've joined the Mile High Club Email shagmarrydenoy.com Yeah we want to know

And we'll chat about that next week How is it even possible? Like I've tried I remember when Robin was a baby Yeah He ever tried to change a baby's nappy in a plane Toilet Mate

It's horrendous Blowing your nose is bad enough Your elbow in each wall I know It's craziness You couldn't have sex on a plane Not just that You know

On the plane door The toilet door You know the little silver thing That says vacant or engaged Yeah Lift that up like a letter box And you can unlock it From outside

Oh really It doesn't ever lock Okay I've seen them do it Right So they'll be straight in I know And you couldn't make any noise.

You couldn't do anything. It would be like pure silent sex. It would be the worst. Standing up like having sex in a phone box. Smaller than a phone box. And that smell from the manky food that they make, it's not an aphrodisiac, is it? No.

And then imagine if you put your foot on the flush, it would be like... Oh, yes! Fucking soul comes out your arse I just I don't think I would find it nice no

not my cup of tea never let me know if you have though I'd love to know if someone had please what position you've done

yeah let me know the ins and outs here are we yeah there easy jet

there got any nah no no Here are we. Yeah. Easy. Jet. Yeah. Got any? Nah. No. Brit. In ya. Oh, God.

These are so bad. Brit in ya. Airways. Had sex in the air, have you? Eddie had. He had. Eddie had. Oh, God.

I think I'm on my period Stop Hello Chris and Rosie This needs to be anonymous as my wife listens We're going to get you in trouble mate Okay My wife has some beautiful cousins And one in particular I've always got on really well with

We flirt and we have always been close. She has a boyfriend and two kids just like me and my wife. I've always had a thing for her and sometimes think she has something for me. Oh, I feel sick. Rank. Anyway, one day she asked me to take a look at her laptop as she said it was broken. I took a look and I couldn't see anything wrong with it. But what I did see was a picture of her topless on there. Now, I can't help wondering if she knew it was on there and she wanted me to see it and she had decent breasts and I can't stop thinking about them and what do I do now? Please help. Keep this anonymous as my balls are on the line.

Decent breasts is the worst compliment. That is abysmal. What the fuck is wrong with you? Decent. Decent. Imagine. Do you like my breasts? They're decent. Tinder. Blonde. Five foot. Decent breasts.

Decent breasts. C plus. That's not the size. That's the score. That's the score they got on a recent exam Middle of the road Very much an average breast Decent breasts

You pig Can we go back to the fact that he's an absolute scumbag Yeah, I mean We don't want to dig you out here But we're going to Can I just see you read it in the wrong accent as well,ie okay what was the accent should have been my wife has some beautiful cousins in one particular i always got on really well with we flirt we're always being close and see her at the barbecue and i'm bad dang it she got some decent hooters on her oh yes she asked me what the fuck was that he went irish there

he went northern irish um anyway no try go on try That's funny. I'm going. Try the accent. Anyway, one day she asked me to take a look at her laptop, and she said it was broken. I took a look, and I couldn't see anything wrong with it, but what I did see was a picture of her topless on there. Now, I can't help but wondering if she knew it was on there and wanted me to see it as she had decent breasts. And, dag nabbit, I can't stop thinking about the sheer decentness

of those breasticles. Mate, I mean, she's your wife, right? My wife has some beautiful cousins. It's a horrible That is the worst start to any correspondence I've ever received in my life.

My wife has some beautiful cousins. You should be ashamed of you. If this was my email, if I read the emails, I'd be naming you now, son. It's the worst thing I've ever read. My wife has some beautiful cousins and one in particular. But the rest of them look like

absolute... I want to congratulate your wife on her gene pool. I've always got well with that. Stop flirting with your wife's cousins, guys. I know, just stop. I'm not even, like, what should you do now? Just get over yourself. She's put that picture on there.

You weren't meant to see it. And fuck off. Creep. Rosie does private counselling sessions as well, by by the way if we want to get in touch um very delicate she's got a very delicate touch can i just say i've got a copy of the email now and i'm reading it and i just i'm i'm scrutinizing it i love that uh one day she asked me to take a look at her laptop as she said it was broken i couldn't i had a look and i couldn't say anything wrong with it but what i did see was a picture at her laptop as she said it was broken. I couldn't, I had a look and I couldn't see anything wrong with it, but what I did see was a picture of her topless.

Imagine that was the desktop background. And he just isn't, he isn't picking up on the signal. It's the full, it's fucking stretched as well, it's got like widescreen. Hi Chris and Rosie. I would like your opinion on unintentional family secrets. Oh, we're getting juicy here. Love it. Let me set the scene.

My now husband, love that phrase, my now husband has the worst habit ever of picking his toenails. Picking the fluff slash toe meat, that's the worst thing I've ever read in my life out from under them as well as picking the actual nails off while we watch tv around eight years ago when I still lived at home we had a takeaway as normal he started picking his

nails thought he was being polite by putting them on his leftovers plate to put in the bin this is it says now husband so she married him after all this yep yep we tidied up before bed and put the plates on the side he went to get a fresh bin bag so the house didn't stink of his crispy shredded beef is that another name for his toenails who knows crispy shredded beef. Is that another name for his toenails? Who knows? Crispy shredded beef all night, and on his return, found my mam scoffing all his leftovers. Toenails included. Oh my gosh.

Oh! My question is, do we ever tell her, please keep me anonymous as she listens to this? Wow. You can't tell her that. Well, I mean, if she listens to this, it's not going

to take long to put two and two together. What if she's not known? What if the nails have been in amongst the stuff? How did you not notice? I mean, how crispy do you want that shredded beef? Crisley. Crisley. I chewed it for days, Maureen. Days.

No, you can't ever. Don't ever tell her that, please. Yeah, don't tell her that. There's just no need. And stop, for the love of God. What the hell is wrong with him? Picking your nails and putting them on your plate. Dude, have a bath.

Get a toenail brush. Clean them in the bath. Use a pair of scissors. Get out and use a pair of scissors or a little pair of clip-ons and get rid. What the hell's wrong with you, you absolute animal? Good Lord.

Shocking. I bet his fingers constantly smell like tangy cheese Doritos. Probably. Lifting. I mean, I only wipe fingers constantly smell like tangy cheese Doritos. Probably. Lifting. I mean, I only wipe my arse on a towel, but there's nothing wrong with that. I mean, how dare we talk? Literally, how dare we talk?

Depending on what you listen to, you're wiping your arse on towels and I'm having a shit and jumping straight in the shower. Spraying my arse like an elephant. What's going on? How dare we? Hey, mate, enjoy picking your toenails. Why not? You know what?

Yeah. I bet it tastes quite nice, that meat underneath. how bad is your chinese takeaway your local chinese takeaway that that poor lady didn't know she was eating fucking toenails please good god it's time for celebrity question of the week and this is from the fantastically funny ramesh ranganathan hello chris Hello, Rosie. Sorry for the sound quality of this. I'm at a farm park. I hope you're well. This is my problem. We're going on holiday

in a couple of months' time, and my wife has been talking about how much she's been looking forward to the holiday to another couple, and now they're talking about coming. And I don't know what your opinion of that is, but I think it puts both the holiday and the friendship into jeopardy.

So I want to know what to do. I mean, if they listen to this podcast, this problem's over. But please, can you help? Because at the moment, we're staring down the barrel of a ruined holiday and the end of a friendship. And, well, one of those, I wouldn't mind, but let me know. Great question. He's the boy, isn wouldn't mind, but let me know. Great question. He's the boy, isn't he?

It's an amazing question. What's a farm park? I don't know, but whatever it is, he manages to sound miserable at it. Sounds great. Classic Rom. I'd love to go to a farm park. Farm park, yeah.

So, holidays with friends. Well, yeah. I mean, someone... What I got there was that they were just basically hijacking the holidays. That doesn't sound to me like she has invited them, that his wife's invited them. No, they've just wanted to come. She said, we're going to some isn't holiday.

They went, oh, we should come to that. I know. I mean, if Ramesh's wife and Ramesh don't actually want them to go, that is so rude and so irritating. Well, they need to just say no. I mean, I'll be honest with you. No one, Ramesh.

It's probably just him. I think his wife's probably absolutely fine with it. I think it's probably him. He's a bit miserable, isn't he? I just think he doesn't want them to go. I'd be the same. Do you know what I mean? It's one of them hard things, isn't it?

Remember, we went to our friend's wedding in Italy. All our friends were there. It was lovely. We took Robin, and he was at the worst age ever. And we brought my mom as well to help, but it was just a nightmare. We shouldn't have took him. He was that bad at the age that we took him,

and then being in the resort and being with robin when at the moments when we had to leave robin with your mom to go to the wedding things i just felt so bad that i was leaving her on her own rather than me and you having them because it was that bad and everyone being there i felt like we full-on missed out on how fun everyone had like the best time ever and we were fucking miserable if i could one of me big if I could go back in time I'd be like we'll just go for a couple of days we should have went for three days

we should have went for three days got destroyed but erm you're living in there's only a very I think I could probably count on one hand the amount of people

I would be happy if they turned around and said oh you know that holiday we're coming at exactly the same time that holiday you're going on yeah same

literally like there's a very small amount of people I'd be happy with that but people like different kind of holidays yeah we are very much we just like to sit by the pool and do nothing but some people love just like exploring and going on bus rides and that and you just we're gonna go and walk around the old town oh the cathedral we've got day ticketson. People are just walking around the old town. It's the old town for a reason. Get to the new town. But you don't even get 4G.

I know. I'm totally with you. I'm totally with you. Honestly. Unless I'm having a little sangria at every other bar, I'm irate. Oh, hey, don't get us wrong. I'll go on a bar crawl around the old town. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Not a problem at all yeah just not gonna go look around the old town in 27 degrees heat yeah i

don't know ram i don't know what to tell you mate i mean hopefully there's this podcast like you're saying and it'll be done but um i don't know maybe tell them you've cancelled the holiday that'll be good just say i'll cancel it oh i've got work yes see you've got work or a tour and you can't cancel it but then this is when social media absolutely Fs up your life because you can't get away with lying about going about anything because everyone knows where you are all the time.

Yeah. Plus, actually, I've just thought if they go, we've cancelled it and they go, oh, we're still going. We're still going to go. Oh. See you there. You turn up.

Thought you'd cancelled it. No, I thought you cancelled it. You turn up. Thought you cancelled it. No, I thought you cancelled it. Gaslighting. Yeah, just get there and just gaslight them until they piss off home. That's it. Episode 16, over and done. Thank you again for listening.

Next week's will be episode 17. You always say episode 16 or whatever, over and done, like we've just finished a really hard workout. You're always like, right, that's it. We've got there guys it's it's intense it is pretty intense we record this for like an hour and a half it gets edited down to about you know 30 to 40 minutes but the actual recording of it guys is really intense guys just think i've been staring at that chicken carcass for so long i actually feel ill now thank you so much for listening shagmarionordy gmail.com if you want to get in touch and rate and

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