Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 160. Round Robin

Episode Date: March 25, 2022

This week the podcast was recorded in London and Chris & Rosie got a taste of office life! The pair discuss a recent photo shoot, an incident on a train and bad customer service. There's some Sandra gossip, the weekly beefs and outstanding QFTP's. Enjoy! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Maritanoid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my work partner, Christopher Ramsey. Work colleague.

Work colleague. Sorry, you're not allowed to say partner anymore. Very, very formal today. Work colleague. We're in the office in London. Yeah, we are. We came in, we went into the communal kitchen. Lush. Loved being in a staff room again. Really missed it. Used the coffee machine. Yeah, Very cool. Had a chat with our other colleagues. Yes.

Various people. Very proper today. Yeah. And we're in the real... So yeah, if it sounds very slightly different, the pedants among you out there will know that it sounds very slightly, slightly different. But what among you?

Like, pedants, like... Pedants? I thought you said peasants. No. I was like, that's not very nice. Oh, no, sorry. I don't use the word peasants on the podcast when talking about the fans

because I class them all as peasants. So that wouldn't differentiate. I'm joking. That's ridiculous. I don't know what pedants means. Like, if you're pedantic. Oh, okay, right. Like me.

If you're me. Yeah. Yeah. So it might sound different. It might not. I don't know. Look, I didn't set it up. I mean, but then again,

I don't know what happens when I do set it up. So I don't know. So, question. Did you enjoy the little staff room vibe, though? Because I really did. I don't know. People kept coming in to make tea, and we were trying to have a chat with someone,

and it was just crazy. Yeah, but it was nice. Ian Stirling was here. Ian Stirling of Love Island fame. Ian was in the room chatting to us. We never see people. No. We never, ever see people who do similar jobs to us.

You're buzzing off it, aren't you? I'm full to the brim. This is nice. I like an office. I miss an office. It's very cool. We just float around our house and then just wait until it's time to go upstairs and do it.

It makes you feel like you've actually got a job. Yeah, that's nice. And we've been in the office where everyone's working on the TV show. Yes, that was nice. A little sign on the door. Worst sign you've ever seen in your life. A little laminated. You walk down the corridor and there's loads of others like

Taskmaster, Russell Howard and they're all like metal embossed signs because they've been there for like 50 series. And then there's a you walk through Russell Howard's office and then you walk out into a little courtyard outside. We're not even in the building.

There's a sign on the first door that says, this door is locked and it's not locked. I just think they don't want people to go through there. And then you go through to the dark, dingy back bit of the office and there's a laminated sign that says, the Chris and Rosie Ramsey Show. Blue tacked onto an external door. But tiny gust of wind will have that off.

It's very cool. We've got stuff to do. We're looking forward to the TV show. I had a photo shoot yesterday. Yes. Which was a very long day. Fucking long day. Honestly. Sorry, go on.

I was just going to say, I remember back in the day when I first started stand-up and I would say, other stand-ups that had professional photos or people would like, you know,

people love to put on their Instagram like, oh, photo shoot. Headshots and all that. Yeah, and they make it look really glamorous. Oh my fucking God, it's the worst it is the absolute

shittest day no it's just oh my god sitting around I got there I had to get there the same time as Rosie but Rosie sat in the

makeup chair the same amount of time that fucking Dave Bautista sat there to get his Drax the Destroyer makeup on for Guardians of the Galaxy she could have done

a fucking time lapse of it Chris cracked that joke yesterday and nobody got it no one got it but you know what my people are listening here so everyone will

know who Drax the Destroyer is because Spaz and Daz they know my patter I stood outside on a balcony for most of the day just in the sun with my eyes shut

god it was painful and then you get your photo taken and there's 25 people behind the camera looking going hmm and you go like what what specifically was

shit about me do you know this is just my face can you all just get on board this is just my fucking face it's so horrible but that but you you you're saying about me sat in the makeup chair i've got to sit in that makeup chair just looking at my face for hours and then go and get the photo taken of the face that i've now hate that i've looked at in the mirror for hours. It's just a horrible experience. If it makes you feel better, I love your little face. Oh, thank you very much. I do, I love your face.

That's the thing, though. How does it take them so long? It must be minute amounts of make-up that they've got to put on your tiny little pea head. Because of your tiny little brushes. These tiny little brushes. Like Games Workshop, like Warhammer. I'm sat there going, I'm sat there,

and I can see my makeup bag, my own makeup bag, my peripheral in my eye, and I'm going, I could do this in ten minutes. I mean, it wouldn't look as nice, but I'm literally sat there just like, I could do this in ten minutes.

But never mind, we've got it done. There should hopefully be some nice pictures. I'll hate them all. I'll hate them all. Yeah, I mean, massive, we're very aware that this is massive first world problems whinging about my photo shoot. But yeah, all. I mean, massive, we're very aware that this is massive first world problems whinging about what photoshoot. But yeah, it's just fucking

sitting around. I just can't, you know what, sitting around doing small talk, I can't be fucking arsed with it. Every time I was

sitting down on my phone and every now and then someone would walk over and I'd see them out with peripheral vision walking over towards us to try and make some small talk and I'd be like

oh my god, please fucking just, honestly, if I could strip down all my social sort of, I mean could strip down all my social sort of... I mean, I don't have much social sort of etiquette, but genuinely, as they're walking away, as they're walking towards me on my phone,

what I would love to do, if there was no... No, no. I'd love to go... Oh, God. Like a dog. You would not. And then they get close and I go... And I show a bit of teeth and they go,

oh, I'll leave him alone. Oh, don't, because you are... No, don't say that. You're selling yourself short, because you are very sociable and you're a nice guy. I go, I'll leave him alone. Oh, don't, because you are, no, don't say that. You're selling yourself short because you are very sociable and you're a nice guy. I can pretend to be extremely sociable.

Well, listen, let's, right, okay, let's do something now, right? Let's, so, because you got really pissed off with a woman at the hotel,

right, on reception. Right. Should we tell everyone what happened to the conversation at reception when you rang the reception yesterday? I'll be the receptionist.

You be you ringing. I didn't get really pissed off. I got perturbed by that. Okay, well, it was funny. I'll be the receptionist. So I phoned the hotel, and me and Rosie were basically trying to sort of gee each other up to go to the gym, and neither of us wanted to go to the gym. Could not be us.

So I phoned reception. Yeah, go on. I'll be the receptionist. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Hello, reception. Hi. go on. I'll be the receptionist. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Hello, reception. Hi. Bit of a weird question. I was just wondering,

do you know if the gym is busy or not at the moment? Yeah. Is that yeah, you know, or is that yeah, it's busy? Yeah, busy. Right, thanks. Bye. Yeah, that was it. I was raging about that

for about 45 minutes I couldn't come I was like is she kidding me who does that the social skills of a fucking rock it was like

yeah it was the question and then it was like well yeah I said yeah yeah but the question it was a question within a question oh fuck

was it my fault was it my fault for being stupid and asking a stupid question? No, no, no, no. It's not your fault at all because I used to be a receptionist but it's because I actually quite like

speaking to people. Do you know what I think should have happened? What? Do you know what I wanted her to say? What? I wanted her to go, listen, mate, you don't have to go to the gym.

You look great. Get some room service. It's really busy. Open a beer. You'll not enjoy it. Honestly, it's rammed. It's like a tin of sardines down there. I'm telling you, get yourself a beer, lad.

You've had a long day pretending to be sociable and chatting to people, smiling all day. Get yourself a beer, calm yourself down. That's all I wanted her to do, right? Instead of tell us that it's just busy. But she did tell us it was busy, I suppose. I don't know. I just know some people go and work in jobs

that they shouldn't be in. Yeah, yeah. If you want to be a receptionist, you have to have a good phone manner. It's the number one. Is it receptionist anymore, secretary? I don't know what the name is. But what she should have done... There's probably some really, really ridiculous name for them now.

I don't know, like... Phone call takers? Yeah, it'll be like, you know, front of house facial and voice meeting engineer. Utterly ridiculous. Shall we do it again? Do you want me to pretend this will be me old school when I used to work at the reception?

Yeah, I'm very aware that this is still the intro to the podcast, but it doesn't really matter these days. So this is what I feel like she should have done. Okay, okay. Okay, here we go. Ring, ring, ring, ring. Hello, this is reception. How can I help you, Mr. Ramsey?

Hi, thank you very much. Yes, this is reception. How can I help you, Mr. Ramsey? Hi, thank you very much, yes. This is Mr. Ramsey, yeah. I wouldn't have said that. He threw us off by saying my name. Hi. Are you okay, Mr. Ramsey? I'm fine, sorry. I was just wondering...

Who are you talking to, Mr. Ramsey? Sorry, I was just wondering, do you know, a bit of a weird question, do you know if the gym's really busy or not at the moment? Oh, I'm not too sure. Just a minute. Let me just check what time it is. Two seconds.

Okay, so it's half past six, Mr. Ramsey.sey yes it is going to be a little bit busier than usual because people are finishing work and they like to come to the gym you know but listen what have you been up to today oh i'm glad you've asked what really honestly i'm not gonna i'm flat out right listen are you trying to tell me that i should just go and have a little beer and go to sleep well i did see you walking into reception a little bit earlier on you look okay honestly you look fine just you rest up get yourself a little beer

and or water because I don't want to assume that you drink alcohol this is weird honestly if the reception no I'm sorry

I've got the I prefer the other lady you know what it is that was too intrusive I didn't like that you said my name like you knew it. I didn't like that at all, actually.

I like... Look, I'm hard to please. I'm going to admit it to you. I'm hard to please. I didn't like either of them. Somewhere in the middle of there, I saw you walking in and you look all right.

All right. Excuse me. Hello, can I speak to the manager, please? You're a receptionist. I fucked me on the way in and I didn't like it at all. You wish. You wish you still got eye fucked,

Christopher Ramsey. Yeah, I've never been eye fucked for years. You haven't been eye fucked for doggies. I swear to God, unbelievable. Listen, it is episode... I don't think I at all. You wish you still got eye-fucked, Christopher Ramsey. Yeah, I've never been eye-fucked for years. You haven't been eye-fucked for doggies? I swear to God, unbelievable. Listen, it is episode... I don't think I've ever been eye-fucked. And if it was, it would have been off the bloke

in a visa with two teeth. Right, yeah. Toilet attendant. Now, listen. Yeah. No, I take that back. I'm not slagging off George. George, toilet attendant

back in the day in a visa. Absolute legend. Shields massive. Now, listen, it is... Freshen up for the boonani. Oh, fucking hell, yeah. I don't know if you know... Yeah, they did just say freshen up for the boonani.

Are we going to get cancelled for saying freshen up? No, I think that's a worldwide thing. Freshen up for the boonani. Freshen up for the boonani. Freshen up for the boonani. Yeah. That was the song that we used to sing. Yeah, they did, yeah.

I don't know. Maybe don't put a voice on while you're doing it. I don't know. I just said the song. Right, did. Yeah. I don't know. Maybe don't put a voice on while you're doing it. I don't know. I just said the song. Right, okay. Listen. Oh, yeah. I give up.

I give up. It is episode 160. Is it? Oh, my goodness. Guys, thank you so much for listening. Thank you so much for sitting through these longer and longer. No, they're not listening anymore. Yeah, of course they are.

No, of course they are. Without further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is... Oh, shit, you're still doing this. Right, OK. Yeah. Off Milk. Hey.

Hey. Is that milk? Is that milk indeed? Does it look it? Does it smell it? Not too sure? Oh, why do you pour it on your cereal or on your tea? Oh, my God, it's coming out like macaroni cheese!

Off milk. The gift that never gives. I think that's the worst one you've ever done. Off milk's bad. What do you mean the worst one I've ever done?

Sponsor wise. I've done much worse than that. Do you think? Much worse than that. Yeah, off milk. I hate milk. Honestly, milk, vile.

Really? All across the board, milk? I don't like milk at all. Do you eat dry cereal? No, I don't Bullshitter Carry on Just lies, just lies

Lies, lies, lies Oh, she's just scratched her tit, everyone She's just scratching her tit I'm just watching her across the office Oh, she's lifted her t-shirt up to scratch it I've got a really itchy nipple Really itchy nipple I think it's the sun, the sun's out today

There's no windows in this room Why is my nipple so itchy? I'll tell you why your nipple's itchy. Because you're wearing a cardigan that looks like it was knitted by someone's nana. Oh, don't. I've had two compliments on this cardigan today. Was it by people over 70?

No, it was women in their 30s. I appreciate the craftsmanship of it. Holy shit. If you're slagging off my cardigan, it's actually really nice. Right, okay, but it's making your nipples itch. Ooh, am I pregnant? Fucking hope not. How?

Immaculate consumption. Are you done? Is your sponsor done? Yeah, off milk. It's the worst. It's just the shock that you get. Honestly, the fact that something you buy and keeping it... I mean, all food can go off,

but the fact that milk can so quickly turn into a fucking biohazard, it's terrifying. Do you know that you left a bottle of milk next to Rafe's cot in his room which went horrifically off?

I guarantee that wasn't me. It was you. Guarantee that wasn't me. I know it was you. No chance that would have been your mum. No. It was you.

Chris! Robin. It was you because you went I've left a bottle by Rafe's bed and annoyingly I said oh, I'll get it, and I forgot to. Okay, so there we go then. So it was technically you then.

I had to throw the bottle away. Really? It was that bad. Wow. Wow. He's right. It was like leaning on the radiator. Oh, heavens to Betsy.

Oh, God. Oh, gee whiz. Oh, well, going to the jingle, thinking about that. That's nice. Yeah, he has the jingle. He's not meant to have a bottle anymore, actually. Cottage cheese little thing. Oh, gosh. How, gee whiz. Oh, well, going to the jingle, thinking about that. That's nice. Yeah, here's the jingle. He's not meant to have a bottle anymore, actually. Cottage cheese little thing. Oh, gosh.

How's he done now? He's going to go to bottle hell when he's older. Bottle purgatory. Crikey. Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle

We hope you like the jingle, jingle Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed. Lovely to have you back, as always. Hi, hi, hi. Are you enjoying being in the London office studio? No, these headphones are weird. Do you enjoying being in the London office studio?

No, these headphones are weird. Do you know what these headphones make us feel like? My ears are full of water. They're forming like a vacuum around my ear. Do you want to hear a good story? Go on, then. So, on the train down to London yesterday, I was on my tod because we met each other here because we've got really weird lives.

Did you get the train down yesterday or the day before? Oh, it was the day before. Sorry. Already picking holes in your story. Carry on. Oh, it's not... It's not really a true or false story. I haven't told you this because I thought I'm just going to save it for here

and see what you think. Because I was on two or one hours in Nottingham. Yeah. I'll meet you down here. So, on the train, met two lovely ladies on the train who were serving the drinks yes so so nice

so so canny and they listen to the podcast so hello and thank you for being lovely we've got a picture taken and everything like that alright but yeah

I just need a comment on what one of them said and I don't know if she realised that I picked up on this right but I did okay

and I don't know whether she I don't know anyway she I don't know anyway so we went to see what you think of this we were chatting and they were talking

about drinking and all that kind of stuff and how they were having like a heavy night they were just talking about alcohol and drinking alcohol

and then she I said I haven't been drinking much recently and she went she went oh no she went I don't drink much not as much as you. And then very quickly

went on to something else and I was like, oh. Not as much as you. Not as much as you. Fucking hell. And I thought, oh shit,

I do drink a lot. Your Twitter handle is literally 4pm wine time baby. Yeah. So let's not. I just really, I just found it very funny

because I think she actually noticed that she had said it and then very quickly was like, not as much as you. Not as much as you. Yeah. So let's not. I just really, I just found it very funny. Because I think she actually noticed that she had said it and then very quickly was like, not as much as you. Not as much as you. Shame. Shame. Shame.

Shame. So I just think if you had been there, you really would have went to town with that. Well, I would have went, sorry, say that again. What was that?

What was that you just said? Not as much as you. Yeah. Amazing. But they were absolutely lovely. That's good. I didn't take, I But they were absolutely lovely. That's good. I didn't take offence. That's good.

So you've been out there meeting podcast fans, getting photos without me? Mm-hmm. It's a bit rude, isn't it? Well, for fans of the podcast, you should say, no, Wild Wheatle, Chris is here as well. I imagine if I did that to everyone who I met.

How fucking weird would that be? Yeah. Sorry, I can't. Not unless we're both there. Not unless we're both together. Or the band will break up. Yeah. It, I can't. Not unless we're both there. Not unless we're both together. Or the band will break up. Yeah, it's bad luck. So I had an interesting thing the other day.

Yeah. I'm obviously on tour. Big love to everyone who's been coming to my shows, especially the people who still, it's absolutely unfathomable that at this level, people know exactly who you are and they know exactly what they're coming to see and they will still sit there with a fucking face on them in the front row I literally can't get

my head around it what kind of face? this face like an oid face? like a rest and twat face some people do just have rest and twat faces unbelievable

there was a bloke at one of the gigs and I couldn't take my eyes off him throughout the whole show I was like I'm going to make it my fucking mission to make you smile here dude

not one didn't crack a smile but some. Didn't crack a smile. But some people... Didn't crack a smile. Chris, some people are very socially awkward and they don't actually enjoy showing emotions. And some people are really open, like you and I, very open with our emotions,

very open with our language and facial expressions. Some people just aren't. And that's, you know... But I can imagine standing on stage trying to make people laugh if you notice someone like that. It's a little bit awkward. You always see them as well. And that's, you know, but I can imagine standing on stage trying to make people laugh if you notice someone like that it's a little bit awkward. You always see them as well.

Whole crowd, Huddersfield, absolutely amazing gig. Phenomenal. Whole crowd were fantastic. It was great. Bloke in the front row with shorts on,

what a right laugh. People, sort of 20 fucking people away from him knew him and they were like, you always wear shorts, he's my mate. So that was like crazy.

One of them places where everyone knows each other. And then, yeah, absolutely, just, there was a man and woman in the front row and every time I looked down at the man he had the most miserable

face in the world on but he's it must have been I'm assuming it's his wife was almost smiling for both of them so she was like Cheshire Cat

coming out of her teeth while like falling out of her face and he was just looking at her like I owed him money but you don't know what's happening

in his day well fucking go home then don't sit in the front row looking miserable I'm not having it do you know what his happening in his day. Well, fucking go home then. Don't sit in the front row looking miserable. I'm not having it. Do you know what his problem is? Huh? His wife probably always

books the front row and he's like, this bitch puts us on the front fucking row every time. It's mad. It's mad. It's one of them things

with stand-up where you can be literally absolutely slaying it. A whole arena where people can be on their feet clapping and you will spot the one miserable face in the whole crowd

and you can't take your eyes off it. Because you know what? It's never enough for a stand-up comic. We're very spoiled. Yes. There's a lot of people in... That takes me on to a relationship sort of thing. There's a lot of people in relationships

where one of them is really vivacious and the other one is just not. That happens a lot. Well, you always say opposites attract, but then sometimes you meet people and you go, oh, yeah, I'm aware of the phrase, but this is fucking crazy that you two actually get on. One of you is the happiest person ever

and one of you is like a fucking breeze block. Yeah. Happens though. It's crazy. Anyway, speaking of breeze blocks, listen, I was in the van. Right. I was in the van with Carl Hutchinson.

What a segue. Did you plan this segue? Local breeze block. Local breeze block. Sitting in the van. So there's. What a segue. Did you plan this segue? Local breeze block. Local breeze block. Sitting in the van. So there's these memes coming online at the minute, right, of a guy doing these things of if you're swimming in Gotham City and if you're doing things in Gotham City

and he's basically on his phone and one guy's dressed up as Batman and it's like as if it's from the point of view where Batman's like punching the camera. POV. Yeah, POV, well done. It must be from the new Batman film, which I haven't seen yet right and i let it was one of the most baffling moments of my entire life i lent a call and i showed him the video like that and i went look at that i went you seen this these guys doing this it's really funny and it said swimming in gotham

city and i swear to fucking god no word of a lie carl hutchinson turned to me and went is gotham city a real place like oh no he didn't and i sorry. And I looked in the rearview mirror at the driver, Rhys, and I went, Rhys, are you hearing this, mate? Are you, are you, listen, keep listening. And Rhys was like, I'm listening. That's a very good Rhys voice. I'm listening. That's what I've always talked.

I'm listening. I'm Rhys. I'm a jack of potatoes. I love jack of potatoes. And I love the shop Budgins. Very long story. Basically, once told her there was a Budgins. Have I told you this?

Yeah, of course you have. So we always say that he loves told her there was a Budgins. Have I told you this? Yeah, of course you have. So we always say that he loves Budgins. He loves Budgins. So basically, we were at a gig years ago. It was like Radlett Art Centre or something. And we said, is there anything you eat in the area? And Rhys went, there's a Budgins opposite the gig. And me and Carl would never have heard of Budgins.

I've never heard of it in my life. Yeah, we went, eh, a what? What are you saying? And he went, opposite the gig, there's a badger. And we went, a what? And he went, a badger.

And we went in, it was just a supermarket, but because he knew what it is, we were like, you love budgers, you want to marry budgers. So now it's just constantly budgers.

So I went to Rhys, I went, are you hearing this? And he went, yeah, I'm listening, yeah. And I went, and Carl's like, well,

well it just says like, swimming in Gotham, you can go like, swimming there. So does he not know that Gotham City is a made up place? No, I went, what do you mean? He went, well, I went, it's not in Gotham. You can go, like, swimming there. So does he not know that Gotham City is a made-up place? No. I went, what do you mean?

He went, well, I went, it's not real. I went, it's where Batman lives. It's made up. He went, oh, I thought it might have been, like, in New York or something. And I went, what? In a city within a city? And then he tried to be very clever.

No, New York's a state. I was like, don't try and fucking... Don't try and be clever. Don't be clever, yeah. And then he went, well, Spider-Man's always, like, knocking about in New York. I went, yeah, it's Marvel, it's different. Oh, you could have...

But in his defence... No, in his defence... There's no defence for thinking Gotham City's a real place. Right, OK, but... How's it never been on the news? How's it never been on the news? How's it never turned the news on and Gotham City's been on? No, Chris, I'm not massively...

Well, I'm trying to stick up for him because because I don't bother him sitting in a real place. He's a madman. Right, fair enough. What? Tell them what he said to Sophie, his wife, about Kanye West. Oh, my God. He throws this in the van.

Because he's an old man, and he's just got no popular culture references whatsoever, obviously the genius documentary, the three-part documentary of Kanye West's on Netflix and we're sort of halfway through it yeah it's very good and he wanted to

watch it with his wife and he literally said to his wife the sentence Sophie are you are you familiar with the rapper Kanye West and she went oh my god

you don't have to say the rapper Kanye West you sound like someone's grander yes I know who fucking Kanye West is oh he's one of a kind

he's one of a kind unbelievable what a fucking Kanye West is. Oh, he's one of a kind. He's one of a kind. Unbelievable. What a fool. So back to the photo shoot yesterday that we had. I've always thought... No, I've always thought... A couple of points I've got to bring up about it. You know, Rosie, lovely, laid back,

incredible, friendly, nice person. Great to work with. You know, I don't know many like husbands and wives who could work the way we work and I think it's, you know, because of how accommodating and how lovely you are and how much of a fantastic person you are. And you also put up all my shit. But,

I never knew how much of a diva you were. What do you mean? I never knew. Guys, no word of a lie, you will see the press shots. The press shots are going to come out for the TV show. It'll be on iPlayer, it'll be loads of different things. It'll be, you will see the press shots. The press shots are going to come out for the TV show. It'll be on iPlayer, it'll be loads of different things. It'll be photos of all around. Is this the box?

Yeah. Fuck off. Rosie demanded, demanded, shouting and screaming, a Tom Cruise-style wooden box to stand on. This is a lie. So she was the same height as me. Liar, liar. Honestly, I've never... I said our fans are going to be like,

what the hell's going on here? Is he crouching down or is she on a box? She was on a diva box. You can absolutely get yourself in the bin. Screaming at people. The photographer

wasn't happy with the little space between Chris and I because he's a bit taller than me and obviously I'm a short arse. So I got to stand

on a box. So we're actually the same height. Unbelievable. People are going to be like whoa. She's grown. Honestly, I've, screaming, shouting.

I did not demand anything, so you can absolutely get lost. Honestly. I went with Jeremy Clarkson. She punched a producer. No. I think you'll find you are the diva, because we got an email four days before the photo shoot asking what we would like from the catering,

because they get catering. Chris absolutely was not happy with that. Demanded that he couldn't choose what he wanted to eat four days in advance. I was more than happy because I could choose honestly. I had a minor panic attack. Chris I could choose what I want to have for my dinner in three weeks time. There's only one time I can pick what

I want for dinner in advance. Christmas day. It's the only time I can do it because I know exactly what I want on Christmas day. I want a turkey dinner. Wedding day we chose it for that. Oh wedding day okay then yeah but that's once in a lifetime so that doesn't even count I got an email on the Thursday going what do you want to eat on Monday here's your tea and honestly I nearly burst into tears I've never felt fresh I like it in real life

See personally for me that's not an ish I couldn't believe it I was like I went sorry do I have to pick this now this is I feel like crying and they're like oh no you can just order something in if you want

I went oh yeah we'll order something in I think they'll find you're the diva no oh how good is it being in London and just being able

to order just food oh my god Deliveroo just Deliveroo oh my god I was in the hotel room the other night I got a dishoom

it was like I have to go on a city break to eat one of these yeah I mean it was personally fantastic for me arriving at that hotel in a room

where you just consumed a curry and left all of the empty curry containers all around the room. That was wonderful. I was like, what in a fucking bin? Do you know that? It was like walking into a restaurant bin. Oh, it was bloody gorgeous.

Oh, yeah, gorgeous, yeah. Secondhand curry fumes. Night-night, everyone. Actually, that curry might have explained your behaviour at the photo shoot. Don't. Don't. Listen to this, right?

Listen to this, guys. I'll tell you the set-ups, right? So a set-up is the different kind of ways we all got to do the different photos, right? We had a set-up where we're sitting on a couch. Fine. Next to each other sitting on a sofa. Fine. We had a set-up where we're standing next to each other in front of a curtain.

Fine. We had a set-up where we're standing next to each other in front of a curtain. Fine. We had a set up where we're standing next to each other in front of a wall. Fine. Then we did a set up where both of our heads were poking through a curtain. So Rosie's below my head and my head's above Rosie's head. Very the Muppet show. Very the Muppet show. Meaning I was now standing on Rosie's diva box so I could be above her.

Yeah. And Rosie's standing in front of me, bending forward. Yeah. box so I could be above her and Rosie's standing in front of me, bending forward, so Rosie opted for this exact moment in the entire day to extremely loudly fart

into me crotch which was great and then as she farted we both moved back and shut the curtain, the photographer very hilariously shouted that's all folks because he heard the fart everyone else on the whole shoot, all of the management all of the people doing everything, loads of people Hilariously shouted, that's all, folks, because he heard the fart. Everyone else on the whole shoot, all of the management,

all of the people doing everything, loads of people there, went very quiet and just didn't really say anything. I was like, they heard. They were very professional. They were, but I was like, they heard. You've got to tell them. You've got to go and tell them. You've got to own it. I was mortified.

You've got to go and own it. Rosie went, oh, this was the worst bit. You went over to own it. They all went, oh, yeah, we heard it. We just assumed it was Chris. Yeah, they thought. Dickheads. I know over to own it. They all went, oh, yeah, we heard it. We just assumed it was Chris. Dickheads! I know.

Have they met you? Do you know what? I was absolutely mortified. I was mortified. Because for some reason, why is it so embarrassing to fart in front of everyone? In that situation as well. Yeah, when everyone's staring at us getting our picture taken and I decided to fart.

It's that juxtaposition of worlds, isn't it? Where someone's doing your hair, someone's doing your makeup, someone's coming over and moving creases in your clothes and it's like, well, thank you, darling, darling, darling. Oh, sorry about that. I've just farted in my husband's crotch because I'm a farmyard animal. I've never done that for years. I've always been able to control my farts for a long, long time.

Get that on your CV. Great work ethic ethic punctual always been able to control me farts it's so true though Gary I'm just sitting in the HR department

I'm just looking at these two CVs honestly I kind of split these apart it's got the same both of you sat the GCSEs at college both worked in the

gadget shop oh hold on a second hold on a second this one can control our farts right put that Both work in the gadget shop. Oh, hold on a second. Hold on a second. This one can control our farts. Right. Put that on a CV in the bin. You're hired.

We're an all-fart, not a zon in this episode. Welcome to Apple. Welcome to Tesla. Oh hey Jesus They'll be making a documentary About me No honestly I have been able To control

My flatulence For a long long time Like to hold it in To it Like for a long long time Yeah But yesterday What happened yesterday

I think I might have been nervous It was probably that dishoom you ate in the hotel. It probably was. Great. So I got to enjoy the aroma of that twice. Once when I got there in the room and I could smell all the stale food and then later on when you farted that into me crotch during the photoshoot.

It's not all glamour guys. Love you. It's not all glamour. Obviously I know you all love a little bit of Sandra gossip. So something happened recently, which I told my sister about this, and my sister found it just as hilarious as I did. Do I know about this? I think so. I think I told you.

Okay. So obviously, when we were younger, there was three of us. You know we were well kept in that, but there was often times when I didn't brush my teeth hair wasn't brushed riddled with worms

you know etc etc fucking hell that took a jump yeah always had threadworms they were always knocking around the school my mum used to go off it

because you had to buy like Pripsin and that remember Pripsin yeah yeah I don't think you ever had worms did you or you just didn't know I got them as an adult

I got them as an adult well that's another story but um yeah so anyway sandra now in is the grandma role yeah loves loves to just think that we were pristine as children and seems to forget that you know i remember yeah walking around with shite in my ass crikey yeah so she did something the other day which made me laugh and so Robin was sat there

Robin was sat there next to us on the sofa and she grabbed his hand and she looked straight at my eyes and she went his hands are dry

to which I replied are they great just like just right then. She loves it. God, my God. Like, I probably had dry hands when I was a kid. I don't remember you doing anything about them, Mum.

Like, at all. I didn't have hand cream put on us when I was a kid. So I told Kate and she found it hilarious as well. It's just like, what happens, man? Am I going to be like that? Yeah. Am I? Yeah, 100%. Yeah, it's going to be horrible. just like, what happens, man? Am I going to be like that? Yeah. Am I? Yeah, 100%.

Yeah, it's going to be horrible. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And we're sitting there while both our boys are going, my mum's having a go again. I'll be like, yeah, yeah. Yeah, she used to do it about her mum and I told her she'd be exactly the same.

Love her though. Love her. I even love my mum even though she was meant to babysit for us last week. Now, I didn't think you were going to talk about this. So this is what I've been waiting for. Fuck that dry hand shit. I've been waiting for this. I didn't think you were going to talk about this. So this is what I've been waiting for. Fuck that dry hand shit. I've been waiting for this.

I didn't know if we were going to... I wasn't going to mention it. I didn't know if we were going to let the world know this. I feel like we should. Should we? Because I think this is fucking great. I feel like people will think

she's even more of a legend after this. Do you think? Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, Sandra, my mum, was meant to be babysitting for me. For me to go out on a date to go and see my best friend. My two best friends were in a band

called Groove Train amazing they were playing a hoochie coochie bloody you know who was playing with them Si from the hairy

hairy bikers hungry what are they called hairy bikers I don't know what you're trying to say so you've said it's not the hairy bikers

so I can't go yeah the guy in hairy bikers is called Si what are they called I love them hairy bikers what are you trying to say? Sorry, I'll stop you right there.

Is there two of them? Are they from the North East? Yeah. Do they have lots of hair? Do they drive around on bikes and do they kook? Yeah. The Hairy fucking Bikers. Christ alive.

You know when you say it, it actually doesn't sound that good. It sounded exactly like it. I could have helped, but you kept saying it's not the Hairy Bikers. Fair enough. And the only Si who is musical, who I could think of,

is the Hairy Bikers guy. Yeah, well, right, okay. Oh, God. Well, anyway, love the Hairy Bikers. Fair enough. And the only Psy who was musical, who I could think of, is the Hairy Bikers guy. Yeah, well, right, okay. Oh, God! Well, anyway, love the Hairy Bikers. Wanted to meet them. I was really looking forward to going to the gig

and seeing my two best friends sing because I haven't seen them sing for a few years. I was really looking forward to it. Sandra was meant to be babysitting. Got a phone call from Sandra. A text, actually, in the morning. Well, you tried to get a hold of her

and you couldn't get a hold of her all morning. I couldn't get a hold of her. Had to ring me brother and I was like, have you heard from Mum? And he was like, no. And he lives down the road too. I was like, you tried to get a hold of her and you couldn't get a hold of her all morning. I couldn't get a hold of her. I had to ring my brother and I was like, have you heard from mum? And he was like, no. And he lives down the road too.

I was like, you might need to go knock on her. Finally got a phone call. Hey, Rosie. Yeah? You all right, mum? What's up? I'm so hungover.

Hanging out of her arse. She was vomiting all day. She was too hungover and she didn't come and watch the kids. Yeah. And I couldn't go to the gig. Hanging out of her arse.

Honestly. I thought it was hilarious. Seething. Seething I was. Personally, I thought it was great. I mean, you know, I give her leeway because she does a lot for one. She really does. She looks after the kids.

And, you know, we've all had that thing. You go out, you have a few drinks, you get carried away. Maybe you haven't had any tea, dinner, whatever you call it, wherever you're from. And you get a bit too pissed. Now, my personal two favourite things about this was, yesterday, when we were on the photo shoot, I saw on the cameras that I've got on my phone, because nothing happens in that house without me seeing.

I saw that you'd arrived to look after the kids. My mum and dad left and she arrived. And I phoned her and I said, oh, you turned up for your shift today, you pisshead. So that was fun. I didn't know you'd done that. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I just nipped off during the photoshoot

to quickly go and do that and when I got back so on the day that she couldn't come because she was hungover and then the next day she turned up a day late

still weirdly hungover like on a 2D really hungover 2D hungover vibes yeah I went I got out of the taxi and I left all me bags

on the doorstep and I ran straight to the shed and I went and got one of the big buckets that I wash the car with. And I went in and I was like, you all right? I just put the bucket at her feet and I went, it's just for you. She was like, oh, shut up, man. I just planned that like six hours previous.

Chris is still calling her Hangma. Hangma. We call her Mama, but Chris is calling her Hangma. Honest to God. But do you know what? I couldn't get mad because, you know, it's her life, but I just can't wait. Thisest to God. But do you know what? I couldn't get mad because it's her life but I just can't wait. This is another thing. I haven't had a hangover

like that for years because when you've got kids you can't. There's this thing that stops you from being able to get that. I mean not you because you have because you're a disgrace but me personally as a mother there's something that stops you. There's something that stops you from getting that drunk because you know that the next day

you're going to have a child at some point. You might not have them first thing in the morning because you might have stayed out, but you're going to have to have a child at some point. So I know personally, I'm like, right, I can't get that minging. Yeah. But I just can't wait until I'm retired

and just don't have any responsibilities. Because she didn't give a shit. She was on a night out. She wasn't thinking, oh, I've got the boys tomorrow. I better not have another one. She was on a night out. She wasn't thinking, oh, I've got the boys tomorrow, I better not have another one. She was like,

fuck this. Fuck her. Gives another half. Right. Now, you were miming there, you were doing a mime there. Was that miming

your mum drinking? Yes. Right, okay. Just checking. Because the way your hands were and the way your tongue was, it looked like she'd

been out sucking cocks all night. I mean, who knows? Who knows what she does? I did that. which you get to do every one of the nights out I actually

you've got to remember getting home I got away with a hangover the other day and I forgot to do a big shout out I had a night off on tour the other day

the other week which I've never had my whole time I've been on tour I had a night off didn't come home thought why come and see them eh logistically

because of a Covid reshuffle I had one night off I had a Friday night off and I was too far down the bottom of the country then I had to be even further down the bottom of the country the next day

it wouldn't have made sense you stopped that because you told me to stay away and I did I went to a place called Marlow big shout out

Tom Kerridge the chef sort of does a little seat a little table at his the Butcher's Tab and Grill Rosie it was amazing I know

you sent us photos you've not stopped talking about it it was unbelievable it was a Butcher's it's basically and grill rosie was amazing i know it's a butcher's photos you've not stopped talking about it it was it was unbelievable it was a butcher's it's basically a butcher's with a pub in it right so you go in you sit down you have a couple drinks and you go like you know can i have a burger or something and they go come up to the counter and you see all this fucking meat and you go and they go actually and you end up getting like a massive t-bone thing and then so you've been what's upsold. Upsold the shit out of us. I wanted a beer and a burger.

I ended up having about four glasses of red wine and fucking half a cow. It was incredible. Absolutely amazing. Now they make the money. But I was steaming and I woke up at half four in the morning in the hotel with the worst red wine headache ever

and I was like, why have I done this? And I quickly found some ibuprofen and I hoiked it down as I had a drink of water. Then I woke up the next day and I was like, I think I've got away with it. But I couldn't enjoy my day because I spent the whole day waiting for the hangover to pounce.

And were you alright? Yeah, but it never pounced. But I was waiting for it all day. It was exhausting. It was exhausting. I can think of better things to do with my day than wait for a hangover to kick in.

Yeah, I wish I hadn't done it. But you know, what can I say? But you know, I didn't have to look after the kids so I was fine. Wow. Neither did Sandra apparently

this Friday you must be very careful Margaret it's a girl witness the birth bad things will start to happen evil things of evil

it's all you know don't the first omen I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying.

Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen.

The Impeders Friday. Get tickets now. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction

that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca today at SunriseChallenge.ca. That's SunriseChallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock

host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef. Beef. Beef. Beef. beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Beef. What's Your Beef?

So my beef with you is I love mint humbugs. Right? Right. I have them in the car. Love them. You love a boiled sweet. Love a boiled sweet with a chewy centre, not just a boiled sweet. Right.

I love a chewy centre. You don't like them, which is fair enough. But you're very, whenever I offer you one you're really awful about it yeah it's horrible no but why have you got to be horrible about it I say to you

do you want a humbug and you're like absolutely not they're disgusting can't believe you eat humbug how old are you 87 like just say no

why have you got to take it to that level just say it have you got so many little cardigan pocket right now no I don't right Why have you got to take it to that level? Have you got so many little cardigan pockets right now? No, I don't Mint humbug is a thing that should be enjoyed

By someone who has that cardigan on, right? Why? But then in the sleeve of that cardigan Up the sleeve of that cardigan You've got a tissue A tissue, yeah I don't understand you hate rid of mint humbugs So you're driving

They're all in the door of your car. They're in the compartment in the door of your car. Loads of them. Half-sucked ones as well that you've given up on. You know when you see a chain smoker who lights a cigarette off the cigarette that they're currently smoking? You are like that.

You are a chain humbugger or a boiled sweeter. You just will hoi one in while you've still got another one in your mouth. It's absolutely revolting. The packets are everywhere. They're sticky, they stink everywhere they're sticky they stink they're disgusting I just can't get my head around it

and you're like do you want a do you want a do you want a do you want a do you want a do you want a do you want a

do you want a do you want a do you want a do you want a do you want a do you want a do you want a do you want a

do you want a do you want a do you want a do you want a do you want a do you want a do you want a do you want a

do you want a you might as well be offering us some fucking dental you know that stuff that sticks your dentures in some denture glue do you want some denture glue not saying I've got no need

for denture glue I don't want to have dentures there's no need to be so awful about it and I'm not offering you one ever again. Well, me plan worked. Stop offering us mint humbugs.

What was it the other day that you had that you never ever, that you slack, oh, corn on the cob. Yeah. Oh, you prick. Right, yes. Corn on the cob.

Do you want some corn on the cob? No, I don't like corn on the cob. Oh, God, how do you eat that? I hate corn on the cob. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. Let's have a try of that corn on the cob. Yeah.

It's actually really nice. Oh, you do you eat that? I hate corn on the cob. It's disgusting. It's disgusting. Let's have a try of that corn on the cob. Yeah. It's actually really nice. Yeah. You do not deserve corn on the cob. I've said that. I can't believe I've mentioned this. It's because I'm a brave boy and I'm always ready to admit when I'm wrong and I'm always ready to try new things.

So... I hate you. What's your beef with me? My beef with you, and it's a strange one, you've started doing this and I don't know why and you really need to stop it because people are going to start getting concerned right when you go

anyway if you go like to the you know if you're at the school pick up and you're standing you're chatting to the moms for a bit right it's always when you're with people you went the other week when um when you're supposed to go to the gym and you went to the pub or when you actually go to the gym with the moms or whatever from school when you're with bunches of people I'll phone you I'll phone you just to ask you something while you're out just to like ask where something is

or if you need anything from the supermarket or what time pick me up or whatever and you answer the phone and you need to pack it in you answer the phone by going hiya

I'm just on my way home now and people must think I'm a fucking tyrant what do you mean? every time you do it I'm like don't fucking say that what do you mean? you pick the phone up when you're with other people and you go hiya love I'm a fucking tyrant. What do you mean? Every time you do it, I'm like, don't fucking say that. What do you mean?

You pick the phone up when you're with other people, and you go, hi, love, I'm just on my way home now. And everyone's thinking, fucking hell, he just rings up and goes ballistic. Well, maybe I am doing it because of that. I am never asking. No, I'm sorry. No, I'm never asking where you are.

What are you ringing this for? Check your phone and leave us the fuck alone. You are a tyrant. No, how has this backfired on me? leave us the fuck alone. You're a tyrant. I mean, ask something. No, E. You're a tyrant. How has this backfired on me? Honestly, it's if I'm, like, asking where something is. No, no, don't even dare. This is actually going to be a real argument.

No, because then if I ignore a text message or anything like that, you get home, you go, why didn't you text us back? Why didn't you answer your phone? There's a double-edged sword, right? So, no, leave me alone. When I'm out and about, leave us alone. Listen, I've remembered what it was. I was taking Rafe to the soft play

and I couldn't find his pants because for some reason, all of his pants in our house have just gone walkabout. I don't know where the fuck they are. They're in the drawer, man. Trousers and socks. No, they're not. The drawer, there's millions of drawers.

There's loads. You said the other day that you couldn't find them, so don't even start here. You said specifically the other day that you couldn't find them as well. I did not. I know exactly where they all are. You said, I don't know what happened

to pants and socks in this house, so don't be giving it that, right? That's bullshit. I didn't ever say that. No, you're denying saying it. This did not. I know exactly where they all are. You said, I don't know what happened to pants and socks in this house, so don't be giving it that. That's bullshit. I didn't ever say that. No, you're denying saying it. This is unbelievable. I never said that. I know exactly where all these pants are. Are you gaslighting me?

Are you gaslighting me? You're gaslighting me. By bringing up this whole thing. I didn't even bring anything up. What are you talking about? Listen. Just stop doing it, because it's weird. It sounds like, and I'll never ring and ask that, and it sounds weird, but then again,

on the flip side, the amount of times I'll ring you loads of times, and you go, sorry, I was just on the phone to Steph, and I'm like, what if it was an emergency, and you just let us ring out? So I can't win in this situation? Well, yeah, well, no. You just ring us all the time. Just say, hello, hi, what you after?

Don't be like, I'm coming home now, darling. Well, no, to be fair, though. Turn the sirens off. Maybe, maybe. Keep the dogs tied up. Don't send them out. I'm on my way. No, right, OK, do you know why I do that? I know why I do that. Turn the sirens off. Maybe, maybe... Keep the dogs tied up. Don't send them out. I'm on my way.

Right, OK. Do you know why I do that? I know why I do that. Because you just love to talk on the phone. You love to talk on the phone. And you'd be like, where's the... So I think I just say I'm coming home so that I'm like, I'll tell you in three minutes when I'm home. Wow.

Wow, you don't have a conversation with me on the phone. Wow. OK. I told you home. Wow. Wow, you don't have a conversation with me on the phone. Wow. Okay. I told you enough. Wow. Wow. That's... That hurts.

It's all right, isn't it? That hurts. Babadoo bab... It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Public. Guys, as always, if there's anything you want to send in, it is shaggedmoudanoid at gmail.com.

Send us little things you've found, articles, anything, stories, whatever's going on. Rosie, you put an appreciation post about this idea, and I didn't put my own. I just don't think we mentioned it enough. I just commented saying seconded. I probably should have put my own, but I'm busy. Yeah, just thanks so much for the stuff you're sending, guys.

Again, I've said it before, I'll say it again. You've literally proved the world of TV and media production wrong because the rule was always don't rely on the audience to provide content. And oh my fucking God, you've proved them wrong time and time and time again. And I even get to send things on Twitter. So I got to send something on Twitter this week right that you might have seen um okay go on i don't i really don't follow hardly anything anymore and i don't really check i haven't checked my actual feed of things i follow on twitter for probably 18 months now i don't have a feed because i unfollowed

everyone in in a little bit of a mental breakdown yes we, we've all had it. I unfollowed everyone. I just have never looked at the main feed. So someone sent us this. Yeah. Woman's UTI, urinary tract infection, turns out to be a glass tumbler that was in her bladder for four years. I saw that. I saw that. Have you seen the picture? Was it stuck around something?

It looked like it was in clay. It looks like it's in a coconut. Yeah. It looks like it's in a coconut. Yeah, it looks like it's in a coconut. So listen to this. After a routine trip to the doctor's to treat a UTI, one woman discovered a glass tumbler in her bladder that had been lodged in there for four years after inserting it for...

Pleasure. ...erotic purposes. Get yourselves in the bin. Honestly, some people out there are literally endangering their health for a little bit of jizz should I just put it in a what's the bit called where the baby comes out of

vagina? no there's the urethra that's the wee hole and then there's like the baby tampon hole and baby penis tampon hole welcome to GCSA biology with Rosie Ramsey.

Hi, everyone. Sit down right there. There's a wee bit. There's a big bit. And then there's a tampon bit. And then go a little bit further south. That's your shitter. Right.

That's lunch. That's lunch, everyone. Not to be mixed up. Thank you for coming to me TED talk. Anyway, so she stuck a tumbler up there yeah a glass glass tumbler and so it hasn't so how's it got how did it go in right i don't well it went in because people are um very adventurous and very yeah i understand it can go in but how is it how's it gone up to our bladder yeah well people are persistent and adventurous persistent and adventurous The 45-year-old from Tunisia visited the hospital

After experiencing all the symptoms consistent with a urinary tract infection Such as frequently needing the loo It's a status Much to the woman's horror, scans revealed a giant 8cm wide Oh, we're drinking out of tumblers today Wider than that Yeah That's about 5cm 6cm Oh, we're drinking out of tumblers today. Wider than that. Oh! Yeah. Oh!

That's about five centimetres. Six centimetres. Oh, jeez. So we're talking about... You're talking two centimetres off a baby's head coming through. We're talking about the big IKEA cup. The big IKEA glasses that we've got in the house. Jeez, guys. Much to the woman's horror,

scans reveal the giant eight centimetre wide bladder stone that had been... Oh, no, the eight centimetre wide bladder stone that had been grown for 4 years encasing what appeared to be a drinking glass I'm sorry much to her horror

eee I was wondering where that had gone where did you think it had gone I've got to apologise to my husband because I've been

I've been I thought he'd smashed that glass and hidden it from me years ago that was my favourite set of glasses we've had 4

we've had 3 we've had four. We've had three. We've had three for four years. Where did I... Get them on the phone. Unbelievable. So, yeah, there's a massive bladder stone around it, and, yeah, crazy. I mean, how?

It soon transpired that the woman used the glass as a sex toy in her early 40s, a glass that was now lodged inside her. Unbelievable. Awful. Crazy. I'm all for sex toys and now lodged inside her. Unbelievable. Awful. Crazy. I'm all for sex toys and stuff like that, but not glass. As well.

Glass. As well. Like, you know, come on. Like, we've all got the cups of tea in the house. We've all got the mugs in the house that you don't really use yourself, but you'll give them to the builders. Hmm. Who's going to...

Are you using that glass after you've... Like, you know what I mean? Is that going back in the cupboard? Are you putting that in the dishwasher? It's been sucked up inside of it. I still can't understand how that... Okay, I'm seeing it. And how...

How did you forget it was there during the sex? I don't know. So the glass is up there. They're going for it with a glass and then it's like, right, what did the doorbell ring? Amazon. Oh, shit.

Oh, it's me. Oh, it's the PlayStation. Hey, turn that on. Oh, no, I've got to get the Benz from school. Fucking hell. So weird. I'll get that out later. Horrible.

That is madness. Anyway, do you want to hear something from the public? Yes, I do. That was. Thank you for everyone. Again, thank you to the hundreds of people who tweeted me. Also, side note, someone tweeted the other day, there's a guy gone viral who did an oil painting

of a bowl of soup and a cheese toasty, and I want the original. I'm going to have to buy it. That's your favourite meal. It's one of the best paintings I've ever seen in my life. I'm going to have to get in touch with him. Are you really going to get it? I think it'll cost us.

No, not really. I'll probably just print it out. I might have to veto this, if I'm honest with you. Hey, look, you've got prints. I'm allowed prints. They're not originals. No, OK. Well, I'll get just print it out. I might have to veto this, if I'm honest with you. Hey, look, you've got prints. I'm allowed prints. Yeah, not originals. No, OK. Well, I'll get a print.

Hi, Rosie and Chris. I thought I'd tell you this story. It could be a Rosie's Mysteries, Mysteries, Mysteries. Oh, we're getting a Rosie's Mystery? OK, here we go, here we go. I was cutting some very spicy red chillies and forgot to wash my hands. Oh, fuck me, here we go.

I then went to the toilet and had a piss yeah yeah the transfer of chili to my penis was intense and i had no idea what to do man i remember thinking milk helps with the mouth so i looked in the fridge for relief i decided to put my penis in mysteries mysteries mysteries what's he put his penis in? A milk bottle. Is that your final answer? It seems like the only obvious one. Okay. A milk bottle?

I decided to put my penis in the yoghurt half of a crunch cone. Oh, God! I don't think you'd find that as funny it's because it's a yoghurt would be funny it's the yoghurt half a yoghurt would be mildly amusing and it would have been my second guess

but the yoghurt half of the crunch corner because it begs the question did he open it the full way? who knows did he get rid of the stuff first so there wasn't like you know them little chocolate balls

all over the thing well do you want to hear what happened next? right well can I just guess what I think happened next okay what do you think happened

I think his partner came in and caught him just eating the chocolate balls on their own and went you're not having

the yoghurt with that and he went no I don't want it okay good guess don't ask good guess right

that's not what happened right in fact the complete opposite happened so it didn't really work so all I ended up with was a yoghurtly penis and wasted yoghurt. I was brought up never to waste my food, so I ate the crunchy bit of the Crunch Corner.

My question is, would you have eaten the Crunch Corner? I thought you'd ate the full Crunch Corner. Oh, so you ate the crunchy bit. I just ate the crunchy bit. Yeah, yeah, the crunchy bit. Right, okay, okay. Please keep me anonymous as I am a teacher. Fuck me.

I know. Don't be nicking his food in the staff room. Christ. I thought he'd eat the full thing. Wipe his arse with his ham sandwich. Would you not have ate the full thing? If I'd had my knob in it. Yeah.

Really depends, really depends what time of day it is. No, no knob in it. Yeah, but I don't want it in my fucking mouth. Like, it really depends what time of day it is. Yeah, you do.

I've tried many a times. Tried and failed. Yous all do. Put me back up. Don't lie to me. Listen. I don't... It depends what time of day it was.

Give us a time of day and I'll tell you if I'd have done it or not. So it's four o'clock. You've got a cup of tea. Right. And I've put my knob in it. Yeah. What have I been doing that day? Loads of working out.

No. Have I been in the shower? You're No. Have I been in the shower? You're starving. Have I just got the shower? Yeah, have you been in the shower? Yeah, probably. You're cleaning his whistle. Yeah, my knob was clean.

Yeah, probably. Yeah, yeah. I would. Yeah. But first thing in the morning, not a chance. Oh, okay. Fair enough. Not a chance.

Dear Chris and Rosie, first of all, I would like to remain anonymous and also to state that I am now happily married with two beautiful trilldren. Trilldren? Trilldren. Trilldren. They are children who wear trilbies.

They are the trilbies of the night. Like two of the Libertines. They come out with them on. Trilldren. Do you know what pisses me off? What? On Instagram, when there's perfect pictures of kids with hats on and you think, they have not kept that hat on.

Shut up. That one amazing thing that we pissed off by. Because it just pisses me off. And they've got beautiful white little linen trousers on and a lovely little top. You take the beginning of the day. Oh, yeah, and then they've got a hat on and you're like, they have not worn that hat.

Because to me, looking at that, I go, oh, they've had that hat on all day. They've not had that hat on all day. No, no, that's took the beginning of the day. You took that picture, they've ragged it off, they've chucked it in your face, and I just hate, I hate that shit. Really gets me.

That would be an amazing thing to be jealous of. Do you know what I mean, though? Yeah. Just thinking about kids and trilbies and that Do you know what I mean, though? Yeah. Just thinking about kids and trilbies and that. Kids don't keep hats on. Shut up. Kids don't keep hats on. They don't.

Anyway, right. First, he wants to be anonymous. In a previous life, I used to work nights in bars and running nightclubs. I led a rather decadent lifestyle, but had also been engaged to a girl for several years. Eventually, due to the excesses of us both working nights, we had a rather messy on-off split-up. Right. I was drinking rather heavily at the time and indulging in more or less full-time debauchery.

I love that word. One night, following a wild after-party, I found myself back at the flat of my ex. Right. The rest was a bit of a blur, but I next remember being woken the following day by my ex patting the bed, which was soaking wet, and her saying to me, What the fuck have you done? In my inebriation, I had wet the bed, and to be fair to my ex, she was not even being that angry about it. She was more confused as to how we had supposedly rekindled our love and I had pissed the bed. Being a bit confused myself, I immediately went on the defensive and started explaining to my ex that she should in fact take it as a compliment that

I had wet the bed. What? This will make sense in a minute. Quite rightly, she did not understand, so I explained that the night before that one one I had spent the night with a complete stranger and had not wet her bed because I obviously did not feel as comfortable with her as I did with my ex. Wow.

That is... He's a Tory politician. That is... Oh my God. Oh my God. That... You slippery little twat. I love it.

I almost, I almost believe him. No, right, OK. There's part of me where I'm like, no, he's right there. Yeah, he is more comfortable. He's a professional gaslighter. My ex did not take this as a compliment. What? Is she mad?

Just that I was a scumbag for sleeping with another girl the night before. Yeah, that's the best bit. Listen, I just didn't love her as much as you. Listen, honestly, last night I slept with her. You what? No, that's the best bit it's got listen I just didn't love her as much as you last night I slept with her

you what no that's not important I didn't piss her bed so because I wasn't fully asleep I wasn't yeah I wasn't

comfortable but in here not only look not only have I been more comfortable in my pissy bed

but also you know we are we have to get back together now because I've marked me territory this is now my bed if we don't get back together i'm gonna have to take this mattress home with

us because it's now mine under dog piss rules um it carries on that basically uh he just kept going he said it's the highest declaration of love that i felt so comfortable in her arms that I completely relaxed it. That's the highest declaration. Hear ye, hear ye. The highest declaration of love. Oh, wow. Hey, he's a psychopath. Well, they're not together anymore. Quite rightly, she kicked me out,

and this was the end of our on-off relationship. Wow. He'd like to say that he's not drank alcohol for years now, and we did, after quite a while, become friends again. So they are friends there we go wow friends good grief

what a I mean as far as making up excuses on the spot go while hungover lying there after a piss in the bed that is

he's dangerous he's a dangerous person to have kicking around in society very dangerous I weirdly can understand where he's coming from though yeah that's why he's dangerous that's why he's dangerous.

That's why he's dangerous because that is unbelievable reason and that. Wow. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Having listened to episode 158 talking about skid marks, I thought you might...

Fucking hell, man. Hearing it back. Hearing it back. I thought you might enjoy this story you reminded me of, which made a local paper a few years ago say attached. Wow. Right?

So we don't normally do this because this isn't from the public. This is actually out of a newspaper that somebody sent a picture of. But I just needed you to hear this. Okay. Okay. Brides, och aye the this. OK. OK. Bride's ock-eye-the-poo. Right. So,

right, OK, so instead of ock-eye-the-new, ock-eye-the-poo. Ock-eye-the-poo. Phenomenal local journalism. Brilliant.

Phenomenal. A fuming bride decked her kilt-wearing hubby when he sat on her knee at the reception and left a skid mark

on her wedding dress. Oh, no! Oh, my God! Yeah. So, it's... Oh, mate! Can I just tell you, right?

It's fully, fully blown name, age, everything. And this made the paper? In the paper, right, OK. The paper? Yeah. Like, all true Scotsmen, Angus McEnany, 26, didn't wear pants

under his kilt when he married Sweetheart hello this is Agnes McAneagh that wasn't me that's not his real name right

he didn't wear pants under his kilt when he married Sweetheart Sarah in Greenock Renfrewshire Renfrewshire

I don't know what that is I'm tapping out with that straight away I would say Scotland yeah I'm thinking it with that straight away. I would say Scotland. Yeah, I'm thinking it's Scotland. But his traditionalism led to uproar when he perched his poorly white backside

on 24-year-old Sarah's pristine frock, leaving an unsightly smear. No fucking way, man. After Sarah swiped at Angus, the well-refreshed clan led to the reception into bloody mayhem. A police source said, Wow! All over a skiddy. Reconciled melee. What's melee?

It's like a fight. Oh, right. Yeah. There we go. With hands. Yeah. Wow. So he's getting on a dress. It's all kicked go. With hands. Yeah. Wow. So he's skidding on her dress.

It's all kicked off. And then they can't remember. Angus, do you take Sarah in sickness and in health? Imagine how fuming you'd be. I'm not being funny, right? But your wedding day, in the most sacred dress you're ever going to wear. Wow. And your husband sits his shitey ass on your knee and i'm like i'm sorry nah

can we rewind the day and i don't want to marry anymore can i again just say showering after poos honestly you're all you've all called us a nutter for years i'm telling you it's the it's the best way it's the best way hey honestly what a m way. He, honestly, what a minger. But that must, you know how we talk about olden days and olden times. Oh, yeah, whenever I watch Outlander or anything like that, I always just think, well, youse have got shitey arses. So they just had shite all over their arse all the time. It's always just shitey on their arse, yeah.

Unless they got that bath that they had that they all shared with everyone shite floating around in the bottom of it. It would have been on the kilt. It would have been on the tartan kilt. They didn't even have toilet roll. They wiped their arse with leaves. That's the thing. When Jamie and what's her name?

What's her name? Claire. Sassanach. Outlander, okay. When they're getting to it, like we've talked about before, you always just go, you stink and both your arses are full of shite.

Ian Sterling's in the building. We'll ask him about kilts. Shitey arses. Hi, how are you doing? How's the new series going? Dylan's in the building. We'll ask him about kilts. Shady houses. Hi, how are you doing? How's the new series going? Just wondering. There's a pack of kilts. It's all shite on them.

Is it just certain dirty sods? I imagine, like everyone else, it's just certain dirty sods. Please don't email in if you're Scottish and offended because, however, we're taking the piss. I'm kidding. I love Scotland. Hello, Rosie and Chris. I have a story.

Every Christmas, me and my sister post a card to our family home from a fictitious couple. Right. I really enjoyed this. Right. Every year, my mum opens the card from the made-up Carl and Nadia. I don't know why I find that funny. Carl and Nadia, who also include a why I find that funny. Carl and Nadia who also include a round robin

of their year. Carl and Nadia seem to know everything about us my parents careers and our ages so it's very amusing watching my parents

try and piece together who they are. Fuck me that is amazing. Isn't it class? Do you know why I love Nadia? Because it's made up

and it sounds a bit like Narnia so I like that even more. Oh okay. I like the fact that they picked the name Nadia and it it's made up and it sounds a bit like Narnia. So I like that even more. Ooh, okay. I like the fact that they picked the name Nadia. They might not have done that deliberately. No, yeah, but that's the best bit. Yeah, for me, in my head. I think they've accidentally done that,

but it's like, you know, it's make-believe. Yeah. Brilliant. Mum is convinced Dad has met them on a dog walk. Oh, God. Why is that so funny? I don't know. Why is that so funny?

Dad is convinced Mum has met them drunk at a party. Oh, my God, this is amazing. This year, Carl and Nadia mentioned how they are holidaying in Scotland over the next month and are looking forward to stopping by at ours on their way up north. Very amusing watching them panic over this upcoming day. This is fucking genius. This is genius.

One time, Nadia asked for them to send her a happy birthday video for Carl's 40th as a surprise birthday compilation from his favourite people. Did they do it? I think they must have. It didn't say whether they do it? I think they must have. It didn't say whether they did it or not. I'm imagining. Happy birthday, Carl.

This is incredible. We find it a lot of fun planning what's next in store for Carl and Nadia. They've recently sent It's a Boy card, so I assume they're doing well. However. I just love this. However, this year the card might just be from Nadia. I think Karl might leave her for a Thai lady

he speaks to online. Not sure. I'm undecided. Oh my god. Perhaps the power has gone to my head. All the best, Anonymous. Isn't that amazing? That is one of my favourite things we've ever been sent. I love shit like that. That is so fucking good. I get jealous that I never did anything like that. ever been sent. I love shit like that. That is so fucking good. I love shit.

I get jealous that I never did anything like that. Oh, my God. I love that so much. I love that so, so much. Should we do that? Your mum and dad don't listen to this podcast. Nah. Should we start doing that to your mum and dad?

That would be really good, yeah. We'll wait until they've been on holiday again. And we'll just start mentioning, like, how's Robin and Rafe? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh, God, that would be hilarious. That would be really funny to send them one. Oh, my mum listens to this. We can't do it to my mum. Yeah, your mum would be all over that. But we could send my mum and would be hilarious that would be really funny to send them one oh my mum listens to this can't do it with my mum

yeah your mum would be all over that but we could send my mum and dad on that would be really funny alright we'll maybe do that at Christmas alright great now listen

that dog walk thing just reminded me yeah of er of something that happened the other day so erm what

we're going away we're going to rent an Airbnb we're going yeah yeah for the weekend rent an airbnb we're going yeah yeah for the weekend and i phoned the person in south shield coming back coming back to the weekend um so i phoned the person i got the number off the airbnb thing and i phoned them and they answered the phone in like a full-on um like a fluster right now not even a fluster it's that thing i i don't want to sound like a dick idea but my but my pet hate is if I Google, like, plumber or locksmith or something

and I phone the number off Google. Yeah. And it's clearly the business number and it's listed on Google as a business number. I may have mentioned this on the podcast before. And they just go, they answer the phone and go, hello? And I go, you all right? Is that the plumber?

Yeah. Right. Well, I got your number off Google. Okay. And I'm like, fucking hell, this is your business. Yeah. Like, if this was a shop, that is literally like me walking into a shop

and the person in the shop going, what are you doing in here? Yeah. And me going, sorry, is this... It should say the bit like, hello, hello, Mickey's plumbers. Yeah, just a bit of professionalism. I don't want to sound like an arsehole here

with the thing for the receptionist earlier as well. I mean, you are an arsehole, but not again. Well, of course. Anyway, I phoned them up. It was fine. The bloke was like, hello. I mean, you are an asshole, but not actually. Well, of course. Anyway, I phoned them up. It was fine. The bloke was like, hello? I was like, is this the number to rent the Airbnb? Yeah, I'll get my wife.

I don't do it. My wife does it. And he handed the wife over. And the wife was flustered, but fine. And we had a chat and everything. And then she texted the details. And I've never just sort of liked someone quicker in my life than the reason.

Listen to this, right? Right, come on then. Hi, Chris. Lovely to speak to you today. Sorry we sounded rather unprofessional. Michael was busy burning a cheese toasty and I was trying to save it. I just...

I was like, no, you're all right, you two. We'll let you off. Yeah, like you. That's hilarious. I was busy burning a cheese toastie and I was trying to save it. That's beautiful. Oh, great. Hello, Rosie and Chris.

My friend and I are recently single and we're discussing how difficult it will be for us to both find somebody new. This is down to the fact that we get the ick from the slightest thing. Oh, right, so you're very particular with people. This is like a new Down With The Kids sort of phrase, isn't it? The ick. Yeah.

I get it. I've had the ick a few times. Yeah, we've all had the ick. So this is one of the icks, right? Right. One of mine being when a man trips over... Sorry? That's an ick. When a man trips over. When a man trips over sorry when a man trips over

when a man trips over he's like oh you are the love of my life but I can't look at you anymore do you know what it is I can get on board with that can you actually falling over in public is the most embarrassing and horrible thing it's just such a horrible experience

so I'm sorry if I tripped over, would you not fancy me anymore? I would just walk away. I would just walk away. But would you not... You would help me out. No, I'd have to leave. Everything would be over.

No, you wouldn't, sure. No more podcasts, no more TV shows. That's a badie. No, because you're my wife and I love you. But I'd know what you're about. So I think, I remember, did I have it at school? School's popping into my head here.

If I fancied a girl and thought, oh, yeah, she's brilliant, and if she got told off off the teacher or something, I'd be had, did I have it at school? School's popping into my head here. If I fancied a girl and thought, oh, yeah, she's brilliant, and if she got told off off the teacher or something, I'd be like, ugh, like, she was tainted. Do you know what I mean? Oh, my word. No, I mean, it is pathetic. And I do, I genuinely do remember if someone fell over.

If a girl fell over, it was like, oh, I can't fancy anymore. You fell over. Wow. It's weird, isn't it? No, I'm saying it's weird. It is weird. I don't agree with it, but I understand that ick

because when I was a kid, when I was stupid and young and pathetic and an idiot, then yeah, yeah, I would get it. Yeah. You weren't even fit at school. How dare you?

How dare you get the ick of girls who fell over? I can still be a hypocrite. You're telling me I've got not... You're telling me I only became a hypocrite when I was older. Rosie, I've been a hypocrite my're telling me I've got not you're telling me I only became a hypocrite when I was older

Rosie I've been a hypocrite me all fucking life isn't school odd I always think you know when I when I look back at school I'm like nobody really fancied me

I was never really like I was never one of the fancied girls at school but then I do remember that I used to be part of the St Vincent de Paul like church group

and I used to do all the plays in school. And I think I must have just given every lad the ick because I'd be on stage. You were at band camp? Band camp? Yeah, that was you. I was. This one time at band camp.

Then I was a bit of a charver for a while. Very odd, my school. My school time was very odd. Yeah, I think I can sort of sum it up. I think you're just like master of all trades, Jack. And Jack of all trades, master of none yeah I think I can sort of sum it up I think you're just like master of all trades Jack and Jack of all trades master of none

I think I was I just was with everybody floating between every little friendship group not knowing what's going on I'd be in the back lanes having a tab and then I'd be in the church group

and then I'd go to drama club and then I'd yeah it was very odd wow desperate desperate pants full of shite mouth full of humbugs

I wish they were full of humbugs So do you want to hear the other girls? Yeah what's the other girls? So one of hers Is when the man talks And no one listens So he repeats himself That's it

You guys Yeah The two women who've just written in Who are reading this out I'm sorry to break the air on this podcast But you're going to die alone You're both going to die alone. You're both going to die alone. When the man

When the man! Not even when a man, when the man When the man talks. And no one listens, so he has to repeat himself. Wow. Yeah. Again, again socially, yes, a little embarrassing thing and yeah, sometimes you go, you go, he's

fucking said that four times, a useless twat. But, yeah, that is funny. I think, do you know how there's names for everything in the world? Yeah. Like, there's, so, like, how do I describe? Sorry, I just thought, can you imagine? What?

Can you imagine? They both fancy the same guy. Yeah. And they're like, no, he's the love of my life. And it's like, oh, my God, we're going to fall out. They're both at a party chasing after the same guy, like some kind of rom-com. And then he quickly starts telling the story. No one listens and he has to say it again.

Then he trips over and they're like, let's never fall out again. I was an idiot. No, I was an idiot. Our friendship's more important. He's horrible. He's rolling on the ground with a broken leg going, no, what I said was...

You've been listening to Shagmode Annoyed, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. It is indeed part of the Acast Creator Network. Big love, Acast. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch at shagvoudenoid at gmail.com the last few of my tour dates

are on sale oh nobody cares honestly just mop up the rest of the tickets so I can stop fucking talking about it I've posted it

on my Instagram I'm not honestly I'm not going to be touring a stand up show for a long fucking time after this so

sing us there for the last time when you can alright then and we'll be back next week we love you bye bye guys fucking time after this. So, sing us there for the last time when you can. All right then. And we'll be back next week. We love you. Bye. Bye guys.

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