Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 162. Three words

Episode Date: April 8, 2022

It's the podcast that loves dogs! (Well Chris does anyway). Chris and Rosie play a word game, Sandra's treated herself to a new robe and watch out for the list of things to do that'll keep you single.  Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag Mind Noid with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello, hello, I'm here as well. I'm always here as well. Don't you ever do it on your own? You know, one day I might do a podcast on my own, you never know. Yeah?

I would like to, actually. Would you really? Yeah, no tiddlers allowed, just girls. No tiddlers allowed, that is sexist. That's what I might call it. No tiddlers allowed. Have I just come up with my new podcast? Oh, God. No tiddlers allowed. That is sexist. That's what I might call it. No tiddlers allowed. Have I just come up with my new podcast? Oh, God.

No tiddlers allowed? Oh, I'm so excited. I'm so looking forward to that. Sexist. Rosie's doing a sexist podcast, everyone. I'm allowed to be sexist. Be sure to look out for that. Yeah.

Unbelievable. You're not allowed to be sexist. Stop it. And me and my tiddler are both upset. You're not coming. Your tiddler's not coming. Ever. God almighty. What a way to start.

Listen, I'm going to be honest with you here. I feel a little bit sick. I'm waiting for it to subside. But Robin's downstairs making cakes with Mama. And there was a big bowl of butter icing. And she put it in the sink. And I went, is that just butter icing? And I ate it with a spoon like ice cream.

And I feel terrible now. I feel terrible. I think butter icing is the most disgustingly overrated thing in the world I think you need

to fucking absolutely wash your mouth out when you get more butter icing than the cake it's vile vile

so when the cupcake is like two inches taller than the butter icing and then the butter icing is on top of you like this is like 50-50 horrible

it's very hard to eat it's almost like up there when burgers you know when they put more you see them you know you see them fucking people making burgers online

there's always like a viral video yeah no one's eaten that whenever they've got them black surgical gloves on I know oh this is gonna be a greasy fucking monstrosity that you're making here

yeah knife and fork sir with your burger yeah knife and fork a fucking press like a press to flatten it down yeah

speaking of burger we're having a burger tonight what for tea have you just assumed my tea we're not back at the adverts guys but we are having a hello fresh night

have you just assumed my tea I'm just telling you how dare you assume what I will be having later on alright what would you like burger please right okay the other option is the pork right no I'll have the burger you'll have the burger I dare you assume what I will be having later on. All right, what would you like? Burger, please. Right, okay. The other option is the pork.

Right, no, I'll have the burger. You'll have the burger. Yeah, I'll have the burger. But if I feel all right, I might die. I've ate so much butter icing, I might die. I might die. Horrible. I feel terrible.

I love a sponge cake, right? I do. Butter icing, I'd rather have it plain. Yeah. I'd rather, honestly, prefer a plan. Prefer a plan. Prefer a plan. Listen, right.

I do. I'm going to be a junior this morning as well, by the by the way if you hear stuff going on there's all kinds happening this morning another another another scenario this morning where i opened the door poor bloke i didn't know like someone was coming to fit some curtains yeah i opened the door there was just a bloke i've never seen before standing with a step ladder i opened the door and he went you all right and he like took a step in and i went whoa i went who are you what are you doing I know you didn't I Rosie I'm sorry

I had no idea who he was he had a step ladder and he just walked into my house I was like did he not say I'm here to put the curtains up he said hello and then he took a step

inside my house and I went okay pump the fucking brakes kid I didn't know that alright I didn't know that who the fuck are you and he was like

and then the lady whose company it is Nikki Nikki she popped her head around the corner and I went oh hello and I went alright okay she's got more curtains she didn't tell us this the fuck are you and he was like eh and then the lady whose company it is Nikki Nikki she popped her head around the corner and I went oh hello and I went alright okay she's got more curtains

she didn't tell us this I'll give them a shout out Fionda Furnitions but don't steal that she's my curtain lady you've proper put out the guy I felt really bad I had to go and

I was like mate I'm really sorry but I had no idea and you know it's not like you to be abrupt and rude to somebody look

so out of character no no no again I stand by this when them fucking nutters knocked at the door trying to view the house when it wasn't even for sale oh yeah right and when someone knocks at your door and they're like you're right they're just trying to walk in and when someone phones you i like i reserve the right to be as rude as i want where you have invaded my space and i don't know why and then you know what i mean i mean

people ringing they're like when when the, or someone claiming to be the bank, they ring you and they go, hi, you alright? I'm from your bank. And you go, alright. They go, I need to do some security questions. I go, you fucking rang me. Yeah.

I need to do security questions on you. Well, he has a little heads up as well. If anyone rings you and asks you for your postcode, don't tell them. Yeah, I never do. Don't tell them nothing. They shouldn't be asking for it. I never do.

I've nearly been snookered by that. And then they've ended up hanging up because I've gone, you're not ringing me for this. This is the scam. And I've gone, snookered by that and then and then they've ended up hanging up because I've gone you're not ringing me for this this is the scam and I've gone the little demon little bastard

yeah it's horrible that time when someone phoned up and I started shouting and put the phone down and he phoned us back to swear at us and I put it online

and everyone said that it was a lie remember no oh well that happened as well oh it was a lie what you were lying

yeah I said that the guy had phoned back up and started swearing at us because I told him I just put the phone down. He was just some telemarketer guy. Again, I reserve the right to be rude. If you're ringing my phone, I reserve the right to be as rude as fucking...

You're ringing me phone. Don't ring me phone if you don't want us to be rude to you. Horrible. I could never do that job. I could never work. How many old ladies are we going to scam today, guys? Yeah, disgusting. And you know who else is disgusting?

Who I have zero respect for right as a voiceover lady and as a person throughout my life who's done jobs and done adverts i did an advert a voiceover for an advert oh these people who do the voice of hello hello are you there yeah yeah go to hell yeah go to hell there's a place in hell for you and your terrible decision of putting of doing that voiceover for a job

I hope you've spent that voiceover money on something you really fucking like horrible piece of shit horrible what

like if somebody said to me oh I've got a voiceover for you oh what is it oh it's doing this and it's gonna scam loads of people and loads of vulnerable people

and it's gonna be your voice and I'd go excuse me how much how much listen I've got morals but they are I've got morals and it's going to be your voice, and I'd go, excuse me? How much? How much? Listen, I've got morals, but they do have a ceiling price. Do have bills to pay.

No, honestly, there's not enough money in the world. I know what you mean, right? You can't be doing that, man. Imagine that on your CV. Have you done voiceover before? I did, yeah, you know the fake voice

that scams old women? I did that. Was that you? Oh, my God. Do it. I've read it, you've read it. Oh, my God, you said it, and I've read him you've read me oh my god you said it and i've just handed you some money you're so good at it hate that hello because i've been

when that first came out they got me and i'm like hello i imagine they got you i imagine nana nana is that you yeah i imagine i got you big time big time listen guys thank you so much for tuning back in as always it is episode 162 162 guys thank you so much now without further ado it is time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor this week's sponsor a bit of a convoluted one never in the world yes it is this week's sponsor is

strangers trying to entertain your baby for a little while the baby giving them absolutely nothing back but them keep doing it right tell you exactly what happens right I was at the

swimming pool inside the swimming pool with Rafe lifeguard came up and he was like going pulling loads of

faces at Rafe Rafe was having absolutely none of it yeah I felt bad so I was like reacting going oh what's he doing

what's he doing Rafe might as well have not been there it might as well have just been the bloke doing it to me he was going and I was going

oh and then but then you start making excuses for your baby and you go oh he's normally he's tired

he was at a comedy gig this morning he's all laughed out he's like he's like an Edinburgh fringe reviewer on the late show he's seen a hundred shows

today man he's had enough it was a really good performance but he's just he's tired it's happened so many times it's happened supermarkets and stuff and like a little lady will go who's a big lad and he's giving them nothing and i'm like he is a big lad they might as well not be there it's just me me being excited by this person this strange as baby talk and then they walk away and I think that was just a gig to me that was just me only you

could pick up on that that is the most ridiculous thing you've ever said well you know I don't want them to have a bad gig alright but on the flip side

on the flip side I can't stand people who don't interact with my children oh yeah well yeah I mean you can't say you don't

I mean people you know no I can alright okay I'm due on as well so they can go for themselves hey guys it's another due on special with my children. Oh yeah, well yeah, I mean you can't say you don't, I mean people, you know. No I can. No, alright, okay. I'm due on as well, so they can go for themselves. Hey guys, it's another due on special.

No, I'm due on. Fucking hell man. Do you remember yesterday, when I was, I was due on, I was sick of it man. Do you remember last night,

when I was really sad last night, and I just couldn't work it out, and then, yeah I'm due on, and I'm like, oh there it is. It's my absolute get out of jail free card. It's so,

you know, honestly, when you realise you're due on, I go, cool, right, I'm off the clock now. Just dead sad. I was sitting last night, and you're like oh there it is it's my absolute get out of jail free card it's so honestly when you realise you do one I go cool right I'm off the clock now just dead sad

I was sitting last night and I'm like I don't know why I feel dead melancholy I don't know why I don't know what it is I'm tired I'm just worrying

about this and worrying about that and then you went actually I'm due on I went right nice one see you later my problems are irrelevant in the

grand scheme of things no but what I was saying people who see my baby and just literally look through him or straight past him, they can go fuck themselves. Right. Because he's very cute.

Honestly, just a little smile. I smile at all the babies who go past me. Right. And that's why there's posters of you up everywhere that I've put up saying, look out for this woman. She will smile at your baby. She's weird.

The baby grinner. Might give them food. Might touch them. Sorry. Ah, nah. I get it. I do get it. Not everyone's a massive fan of babies.

Not everyone's a massive fan of dogs. I stop and stroke dogs. Some people don't want to stroke dogs. Well, I'm a non-dog stroker, so there you go. I have been known to stand in a street for multiple minutes trying to get a cat to come over.

Yeah. Oh, God. Because I've got problems, right? I've been known, if I'm waiting for someone, you know, I'm outside someone's house or I'm waiting,

I'd see a cat. Oh, it's tragic. The cat's like, fuck off. It's absolutely tragic. And I'm there for eight, a grown man, a grown man, there for hours.

But, you know, what can you do? Well, my other bug, I mean, because I'm due on, my other bug, babe, with dogs, is when they just come up to you really aggressively start sniffing in that and they're like they're dead friendly i'm like i don't give a shit if your dog's friendly don't want it to sit for my ankles right well it's not even that i'm not a dog person because that makes it sound

awful because i think dogs are gorgeous and i really do like them but honestly i wouldn't like okay i wouldn't put my baby in someone's arms i wouldn't walk past and go there's my kid so get your fucking dog away from my ankles i'm sorry i know what you mean i don't like it i'm actually i'm actually terrified doesn't matter what size they are yeah i'm terrified you're actually weird you're terrified of the kind of dog that would literally pose no threat that couldn't even bite through your jeans yeah i'm terrified they come towards us and i'm like and then they come and sniff you and i'm just like and then there's somebody about 35 meters away going they're dead friendly i'm like great i don't need any more

friends do you not think it's because you walk around with loads of ham in your pockets could be that could you speak you constantly smell it he's after me ham get the lead on him don't because honestly I do let's level the playing field here always let your dog come up to me

because I absolutely love it Chris will take all of the dog love for the pair of actually pisses me off when they go up to Rosie

train them to go nowhere near Rosie guys if you're out there photo of me photo of Rosie Rosie bad bad boy bad girl

no this oh who's this that's a cat. Oh, boy. That's me, right? Get them to come up to me. I'll be all over your dog. We're such a hypocrite, though,

because I know for a fact, in years to come, we're going to end up getting a dog. And I'll turn into, I will turn into that dog person. And then you'll be on here, episode fucking 4006, going,

you know what I hate? I hate it when people don't give me dog any attention. You know, I was in the park the other day, right, and this woman went, she shrieked like it was a fucking werewolf. And I was like, oh, love is friendly, man. What you got? Hum in your pockets. Because you're a fucking hypocrite.

I am. I'm sick of your shit. I am. Listen, I live in my hypocritical life I am oh can I just say

this is still the intro my Kate is fully a dog person she's crazy dog person now oh my god she's got well she's got Bear who is gorgeous

but if she facetimes me anymore and puts Bear on I'm gonna I'm gonna lose my fucking mind I mean I don't like it when people put their kids on FaceTime

you only put your dog on FaceTime she's like this come on Basie Basie Basie that's horrible

do you know what she do come here Basie and I'm like oh hello Bear hello hello I'm just on FaceTime to the dog

hey your dog's got knee patter like absolutely got no crack your dog like give your dog some crack um you know what we should do you know what we should do we should start facetiming that and we should run up to the fish tank look kate whoa who's this is that any kitty look at fishes there's any kitty oh the snails you know the snails that clean the tank right at the bottom of the steel. Gary, look. Gary, look. Is that it, Katie? Is that it, Katie? Don't hang up, Kate.

You do this to us. I'm going to. I'm actually going to. Shall we play the jingle? Let's. Fucking hell. Here's the jingle. It's not even in it anymore.

It's the first section. Crikey. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bap.

Jingle! Hello, welcome back to Shag Maridanoid and why we love dogs. Rosie's really angry really she's really anxious sorry that just upset all the dog people I love

I love dogs enough for both of us right so there you go I'll be thanks for covering me back honestly do you know what

the greatest compliment you can receive from a dog is when a dog comes up to you in the park or wherever somewhere like a stranger's dog and you start stroking it and it's just like I like you

I like you so much here's the belly and they go right on the back and they go there's my belly i give in and you go yep i am the dog whisperer yeah it's greatest feeling on earth it's like making a baby laugh all i can think of is where's that belly been well you know i'll wash my hands yeah i've shook hands i've shook hands with worse strangers on trains that is so true that is so true um you're home you are home what two true that is so true you're home you are home what two seconds I am yeah

no you're home you actually you haven't got a gig I've got two weeks off for two weeks I've got two bloody god damn weeks off two weeks Chris

so excited so excited oh my gosh so I just did a run of gigs just gone but again massive massive love and thank you so much

to everyone who came to Leicester and Dunstable and Shrewsbury and what was the last one? Shrewsbury oh yeah whatever and Cheltenham

wonderful wonderful gigs great stuff never doing two shows in a day ever again did I tell you Shrewsbury's late show was half nine everyone was fucking knackered

I got off stage at quarter twelve everyone was goosed oh and Chris I made a Covid's fault I made an apology on stage I said I'm sorry

this has been moved to half nine how good would you be if you booted a gig and it was supposed to be half seven this has been moved to half nine how good would you be if you I'd be devastated it was supposed to be half seven and they moved it to half nine who wants to still be sat in a theatre

quarter to midnight to be fair they were all there were they I rattled through I did all my stuff I rattled through it I had a lovely time

but yeah what day was it Friday night oh I suppose that's a little bit more forgiven imagine if that had been a Tuesday I wouldn't have went it would have been empty it would have been absolutely empty

yeah but I put online I put online saying no more no more half nine gigs I'm really sorry I'll never do it again I was like

I feel absolutely jet lagged today and someone just replied with try working for a living and I just wrote never but you what try working for a living

because that is your job no but yeah but it's not work is it it's just standing and talking apparently yeah it's nothing yeah true to be fair it's easier than working in a factory or in a but it's not work it's just standing talking apparently yeah it's nothing yeah true

to be fair it's easier than working in a factory or in a fucking it's easier than even though it's only talking it's easier than working in a

call centre to be fair you do something that you love and I also do something that I love and every day I'm thankful for that

because I have had some shitty jobs exactly yeah couple of things to catch up on okay come on genuinely not as

exciting as what you would think so don't get too excited but these are just things that I haven't told you because you've not been

here we haven't seen each other for a while actually have we it's weird yeah we had to have a huge massive conversation yesterday

it was awful I had the teleposed for you kept wanting to leave the room it was very annoying I've got stuff

to do man I just have to offload I need a bit of space you're all over us man honestly yeah wait till

later on when he's crying're all over us man honestly yeah wait till later on when he's crying who me over us Nick guys so couple of things we're getting a new

bathroom cabinet because the one we've got at the minute is just a sink it's very it's beautiful but it absolutely serves no purpose

new bathroom cabinet so we're getting with like storage and that hey it's all going I'm not hearing it it's all kicking off fucking hell I'm going to tie him off and i'm just going mad right um they came uh to take some last minute measurements

right and i had the kids on my own and i was just like a bit over height or whatever and uh it was that moment of fear because they came and i was like what is in them drawers at the sink and the guy was measuring. And we were all stood there. Right. We were stood there, me and the lass and the guy. Kids were downstairs. And he was measuring.

And I was stood there going, what's going to, what is here? So you had to move a couple of things. Because it's like a little box with stuff in. And there's a little shelf thing that I bought from Next with a few bits in. And I was just like, fuck, I don't know what's in these yeah and i've never been i was sweating trying to make small talk all right what was he gonna find like and it's so like a condom like i don't know right and i know it's silly because i talk about periods really easily and it shouldn't be embarrassing but like tampons are really just embarrassing

for some reason and I was like what if it falls on him or something and then put a claim in he moved the chest that's underneath the sink

and the dust shit me the dust was horrific so I was just mortified Chris I hadn't told you about it because when it happened

I didn't get a chance are you talking about a condom in a packet or like an old crusty used condom like in a packet oh well let's know what you're gonna do

you dirty fuckers look at you look at you no but I'd just rather a situation of a stranger who I don't know finding a condom

right that I might one day have in my vagina that's what I mean Chris stop stop. Stop. Get off us. I can't enjoy it

because I know that the sink guy touched that condom. Get off us. He's seen it. He's seen it with his two eyes. I feel like he's in the room. Fucking shut up, man.

You idiot. I know. It's just weird. It's one of them things where I just thought, oh. So this brings us back to the old sex swing chat.

How do people who've got sex swings hanging up in the corner of the room, how do they have people come in and measure for fitted wardrobes? Well, have you not seen? We've been sent loads of stuff that they hide the hook in fake smoke alarms.

Yeah, I've seen it. They hide it under a fire alarm. Yeah. Amazing, yeah. That's clever. The whole family perished in the fire because the smoke alarm wasn't an actual smoke alarm. It was just covering

their dirty manky hook for their sex swing oh great you'd have to have tough ceilings for a sex swing like

I imagine and I've thought about this a lot I imagine if it's upstairs you go all the way through your ceiling and then you go

onto one of the joists in the loft Jesus there you go that's a lot of graft isn't it you've got two people on

yeah yeah it's like putting two punch bags up Joking You can't just put it in With a fucking screw No You're going to die

No Yeah You're going to snap Your tiddler in half Oh Jesus This is probably the first house Because we live in a really old house That's built like proper

We're not getting one No I absolutely don't want one You sound like you're going to ask for one there No I really don't want I mean Like I would just sit in it And relax Right You want a hammock I just want a hammock You're thinking of a hammock Sound like you're going to ask for one there. No, I really don't want one. I mean, like, I would just sit in it and relax. Right, you want a hammock.

I just want a hammock. You're thinking of a hammock. Yeah, I'd like a hammock. Fucking sit in there, reading a book, legs apart, all this leather, fucking pool ball in your mouth. You dare come near me. I'm just eating. Get the ball gag out of your mouth, man. You don't need that.

It's a pointless swing. I came with it. We need to stop fucking talking about sex swings. They're going to send me one and I'm going to be sick. I mean, then I'd put it up for free. I'd put it up on a tree outside. Oh, no, not the kids, man. Do you know Robin would love it so much.

Robin loves my things have you noticed this right Robin ends up stealing all of my things he still sleeps with my old maternity pillow yeah he loves it

it's so so weird but it's a massive one that he sleeps inside like a cocoon it's like a lower case n yeah yeah it's really strange

and then now he's taking a like you see my socks that I've got like the yes the comfy socks they're all over the floor yes he wears them yeah and i'm just like would you just get off us and if we had a sex swing in the garden he'd want it in his room

he would want it in his room and all of his mates would come over and be playing on the sex swing that would be that would be an interesting chat i'd. Oh, God. My son says that your son has leather straps hanging from the ceiling in his room. Is that... Oh, we got sent it. We didn't buy it.

It doesn't make it any better. Okay. Sorry. But then you might get the kinky ones who are like... In a child's bedroom? No. I'd be slapping their tash.

No chance. No chance. Fair enough. Awful. It's gone all weird so i uh came across something a little interesting meme sorry if you can hear my chair squeaking by the way i've got a really squeaky chair here today um i came across an interesting little thing on the internet that made us think uh so it was just a picture right i can't i can't even

remember what the picture was but the caption underneath it was just a game dick it was a game people were playing on instagram it was just what it was one of the things that people put on to get as many comments underneath as possible right right you want to put something they normally put something quite contentious and go what's your take on this and the comments as people going you're wrong but they just wanted the clicks anyway to get further up in the algorithm well yeah all of that stuff it's all a lie yeah um so uh i saw a picture and the thing underneath and everyone was commenting was you go back in time and meet your 18 year old self you're allowed to say three words to them oh what are the three words oh so it'll be a lovely little game to play on here they know

it's you yeah i'm i'm extrapolating here but they know it's you. Yeah. I'm extrapolating here, but they know it's you. They're like, oh my God, that's future me. What message have they got? You're only allowed to say three words. Okay, three words. Three words. All right. A is a given.

You can have A. 18, right. Okay, so 18. So I was going to say something, but then 18-year-old me hadn't done this yet. Well, it doesn't matter. You can warn them. You can tell them everything's going to be all right. Everything's going to be all right. No, you can tell them everything's gonna be all right everything's gonna be all right no you can tell you can tell them everything's gonna be

and then you disappear oh god and they have a they have a breakdown it annoyed me right okay i've got it okay yeah learn to drive right okay yeah because it took you ages no well i was about 22 i think right but i wish i'd done it at 18. Wow. Okay. Very practical. Yeah. Very good. My first one, what I would have said to, maybe it'd stop shagging twats.

That'd be my other one. I like to think that you can't choose. It's like Terminator. You just go back in time and you just end up wherever you are. I like to think that you appear to 18-year-old you whilst you're having sex with a twat. Yes. And you just appear in the room and she goes,

what the fuck's that? He's like threesome with same person, legend. And she will stop, shag and twat. And then you just... I mean, the ultimate time-travelling cock block on that guy. Incredible. What would yours be? Marry Rosie Winner.

Shut up. No, it wouldn't. That's what I would say. Aww. So there you go. Aww. I'm never nice to you. You can have that.

Oh, I'm going to... I'm crying. Oh, my God. Oh, Chris. That's what I would say. Aww. Not at 18, though. Oh, not yet

like we moved to Buckingham first lad right go on aww I'm crying make sure you do

make sure you don't change anything I'd probably just not say anything because I wouldn't want anything to change thank you that's really nice

that's weird I think about time travel loads all the time you know what you could have said what at 80

cut your hair maybe I'll say something nice and heartfelt to my wife, and she hits me back with that. I'd expect nothing less. Well done. Oh, I love you. Thank you.

That's really sweet. That is actually really nice. Because you know what? I never say nice things. You don't. Oh, that is nice. It's like... But man, you'd come see me as a college,

and you'd be like, 35-year-old me said I've got to marry you, and I'd be like, sorry, who the fuck are you sorry 35 year old me said don't shag twats so bye high five I love you

like you as a friend babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo speaking of three words this has brought up a little memory literally from just the other night

right did I tell you my mum this is my mum do you think I'm a bit miserable my mum is so miserable and she's just always got an opinion about something right

so my mum jaded she's jaded by life she's jaded life has jaded her but she's a lot you know she's in her 60s she's allowed to be jaded that's jaded by life life has jaded her but she's in her 60s she's allowed to be jaded that's the thing you get to the age

where you don't care anymore yeah she's seen enough shit if we're still doing this when we're 60 there's stuff we will fucking see it'll be horrible

it'll be through gritted teeth yeah just get to an age where you don't give a shit we're looking forward to it there's part of us looking forward to it

where I don't give a shit anymore can't wait can't wait so my mum just bought a nightie from Tesco right just didn't really think about it bought a nightie

went and bought herself a nightie a nightie like a nightgown right okay she had it on the other night and the other nightie the other nightie

she came to say goodnight to us right goodnight and I was sat on the sofa and she was like goodnight she gave us a little kiss on the cheek and I looked at her nightie and I was like, good night. She gave us a little kiss on the cheek. And I looked at her nightly and I was like, what does that say? And it was so unlike me, ma'am. So it said on her nightly, you are enough.

Right? Literally. She bought herself that. She bought herself that nightly that said you are enough and I was like do you know she was like what does it mean

what does it mean I was like it means like you are saying to yourself you are enough which is lovely because you are

it was so unlike my mum she hadn't actually understood what the nightly meant wow so she just bought that right again that sums your mum up

her entire life is a whirlwind yeah the amount of crap that gets left lying around here and stuff gets but she

just does everything in a massive rush I don't think she even read the I don't think she read it and what I'm saying what I've

always wanted to know is what is the thick what's the end goal what is she rushing to don't know right

don't know fuck's sake you're the same it's crazy I know but so now from now on I just keep grabbing my mum's arm and going,

you are enough, Sandra. I love it. I might buy myself one, actually. Right, call out all the smarts out there. If you see Sandra anywhere, kicking around South Shields or in public, just go up there and just say, Sandra, you are enough.

Oh, don't. It'll freak her out. She'll not enjoy that at all. I think she likes being mentioned. More reason to do it. She likes being mentioned on the podcast, but then she forgets it's real life. Oh, and she. It'll freak her out. She'll not enjoy that at all. I think she likes being mentioned. More reason to do it. She likes being mentioned on the podcast, but then she forgets it

to be her life. Oh, and she tells us off for swearing again, again, man. Oh, Sandra, man, fuck off. Oh, fuck off, man. Sick of it.

And she was like, she just tries it every single, she's like, she's like, you know, you just don't need to say them words.

She was like, there's so many other different words. She swore this morning in front of our kids. Oh, did she? She just said the F word. Oh my, oh my.

Here's another thing. Absolutely piss off. Last week, right, jokingly, maybe this is probably bad for me, but Robin's getting a bit older and, you know, we talk a bit more freely. And he was just carrying on and he's got such a good sense of humour. And he said something and I was like, oh, pack it in. I'm not going to next Tuesday, right? I was totally, obviously, totally joking. It's a very, that's a very jolly thing. Whatever. Don't know. oh, pack it in. I'm not going to next Tuesday, right? I was totally joking, obviously. Totally joking. It's a very, that's a very jolly thing.

Whatever. Don't know. Anyway, said it. Said it now. But he was laughing. And then my mum went, my mum went, yeah, I shall see you next Tuesday. And I went, I was like, mum, no, no. What's happened to you?

What's happened to you? I was like, luckily, he did not click on it at all. I was like, he's going to be going to school saying, see you next Tuesday and I'm going to get called into the teacher's office

and I'm going to have to go. It was my mum. Wow. what's happened? She would never have said that in front of us as kids. God. And I just thought,

listen, you're not enough. You're less than enough. Honestly, Sandra, yeah, that is not, you're too much. Yeah. I just honestly Sandra yeah that is not you're too much

yeah I just where's that it's that night in our house I'm gonna go at it with a sharpie you're too much

dial it back something happens you know something happens to them when they become grandparents they lose all of the like

oh yeah yeah I've talked about it to Michelle my mum would never ever have said like in a million years I think it boils down to the fact

that they can hand the kid back i think that's the whole thing they can hand it back and it's not their issue they don't have to when the school phones up and says why is he saying see you next tuesday to the teachers she doesn't have to deal with that's not her responsibility yeah she's not you know she's not enough she's not enough or she's too much one or the other well we'll see i don't think he was listening he hasn't said it yet so touch wood good buying it by i just can't get over the fact that you're what so when she took it to the counter people must have thought she was buying it for someone else that's like a gift you buy someone you are enough if you've got a friend right yeah yeah or yourself if you're saying it yourself like

you are enough no it was buying the self and that's like buying yourself a world's best dad mug is it yeah well no i don't know hey do you know what i've decided i am enough i'm all for self-belief and sort of all i know i'll look in the mirror sometimes and i'll go rosie you're lovely i do sorry i was just sick in my mouth a bit there sorry what i do i do it's something i have to do which mirror is this is this the mirror that you can't properly quite see you can only see the top of your head in because you're too short

Rosie you're lovely but you're short do you pull up a little step ladder and climb up it and go hi Rosie just me

you're lovely it's not that mirror no Chris I genuinely have to do that on a regular basis wow because you know my body's changed massively

since I've had kids and we've been through this and I'm aging and all that kind of stuff so I really like myself right and I think that's a really good thing to do I'm getting a bit serious here because I genuinely look in the mirror and I like my reflection and I think it's really important even if you even if deep down you don't because there's certain things that you don't like I think you've got to just tell yourself like this is me

I can't change myself um I'm this is who I'm going to be for the rest of my life and i like myself and i really do so there you go there we go we've got very serious but i think that's a lovely little message so maybe i need to get myself to tesco and buy that night because my mom's wouldn't fit us because she's about three stone lighter than us the thing is is though as well, if you're just wearing that nightie and it says you are enough on the front, if you bend over to pick something up and you've got no knickers on with that nightie, it's not enough.

You need some knickers as well. The nightie's not enough. The nightie isn't enough. First thing I thought you were going to say was that your mum accidentally flashed you in a nightie. That's what I thought you were going to say. In which case it wouldn't be enough. No, she didn't.

You would also need some pyjama pants. So I think we both made a good point there. I think yours was very empowering to, very sort of empowering to people. And mine was pajama pants. Yeah. Yeah. Good work. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah.

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Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. sunrisechallenge.ca That's sunrisechallenge.ca It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef? Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Okay, so

what is it? Do you want to go first or shall I go first? I'm going to go first. I don't know if I've done this one but you're still doing it. I think we might have covered this but I'm still just

let's do it really quickly. Wonderful. When we're sat in the house you ask me to get you something from the kitchen yeah you never actually specify what you want and then when i come back with nothing you go you didn't get me anything and i go you fucking you didn't tell us to get you anything i don't know if you've said this before but what do you want to i don't understand so if you say to me what what what something a cabbage well no let's not be ridiculous here okay then well you need a What do you want to say? I don't understand. So if you say to me... A little surprise. What? I don't know. Something. A cabbage? Well, no. Let's not be ridiculous here. Okay, then.

Well, you need a crab stick? Specify. Absolutely not. Why? Cabbage and fucking... Cabbage and crab sticks? I'm trying to eat healthy. It's all I've got in there.

Jesus Christ, man. I've been eating a lot of cabbage recently. Cabbage and crab sticks. No. So sometimes you'll get up and you'll be like, oh, I'm popping the kitchen. What? I'll be like, yeah, get us something.

Like, you know, maybe a little crunch cone of yoghurt or maybe like a cheese spring. Or just say, see if you just say, oh, that would make my life so much easier. I don't know what I want to do. If you said. A pat of crisps or a little chocolate or something. Oh, oh, hell yes.

Hey, I tell you what. Communications. Any of the above. Right, okay then. Any of the above. It's nice to be surprised in life sometimes. Right, no, yeah. Don't you dare.

Nice to be surprised. Don't you dare try and have a nice nice to be surprised in life sometimes right no yeah don't you dare don't you dare try and have a nice fulfilled surprised full life you know it's not happening

under my roof I never ask you to get us anything hot anymore from the kitchen and bring it through because you bloody get it it's hot it's perfect temperature

and by the time you've stopped at that mirror in the hallway and give yourself a fucking review freezing bastard cold when it comes through you've enough you're awesome I love you I love my reflection around the hallway and give yourself a fucking review freezing bastard cold when it comes through give enough

you're awesome I love you I love my reflection I'm me and I can't oh this soup is fucking clear cold

because you've stood giving yourself a fucking blowjob in the mirror sorry I'm sorry you're wicked you're wicked

because the minute that I have any sort of self doubt or anything like that you go off it so that's how I'm trying to Because the minute that I have any sort of self-doubt or anything like that, you go off it. So that's how I'm trying to deal with that. I don't go off it, but I always tell you.

No, you always go, why are you doing this? Oh my God. If I put weight on you and I'm born. Right, look, right. I'll get you the fucking nightie. I'll go to Tesco this afternoon and I'll get you,

if that's what this is about, if that's what this is about, I'll get you the nightie. Right? Right. Right. Oh God. What's your beef with me?

My beef with you this week is uh and you've done this loads and i don't know if i've mentioned this beef before but um you took it to another level last night so when i well i am always absolutely devastated when i know that you've washed the bed sheets when the bed sheets have been washed by you hey stop it right when you when the bed sheets have been washed by you right they are left in completely forgotten about they're left in the dryer they're left hanging up all over and you will leave it until the last minute we'll have a little chat like we did last night and then say right should we go to bed we'll go to bed obviously the bed is completely empty like a crack den there's just mattress stained mattress there awful right so we'll go downstairs and get it all

and then it's like right put it on and sometimes you try and snaffle away a bit so I have to end up doing it by myself I'm putting a blimmin king size

super king size duvet and shaking the thing about and you'll be like oh I've just got to do my tan for tomorrow I've got to it's never tan because if it's clean sheets

I'm not doing my tan well fair enough I have to clean the sheets around occasions that's irritating as well by the way shout out to every man in the world who has to wait It's never tan Because if it's clean sheets I'm not doing my tan Well aye Fair enough I have to clean the sheets Around occasions That's irritating as well By the way Shout out to every man In the world

Who has to wait For going to help And put a tan on When you're about To climb into bed Christ Although I don't do that anymore Have you got some

Kind of back tan How dare you I've bought a contraption So I can do my own Back tan actually Contraption Yeah Contraption

Yeah So just Wallace and Gromit Yeah yeah Yeah Fix you out of bed And tans your back If you ever want to leave I'll be fine Contraption? Yeah. Contraption? Yeah. Like Wallace and Gromit? Yeah, yeah. Yeah, flicks you out of bed and tans your back. If you ever want to leave, I'll be fine. All right, okay.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Bronzed goddess. I'll have a lovely big brown back. I'll be fine. I'll look tanned as out. Yeah, so last night you took it to another level. You bite your fingers when you're being a little scussy. Well, yeah, I put something on Instagram about this today and a lot of other people do it.

I pick the skin around my nails all the time. It's fucking horrendous to look at. It's absolutely horrendous. You imagine a drag nail. It's awful. So she picks... But last night, last night, I guarantee you did it on purpose.

I did not. You got... I went and got the pristine white sheets out of the thing and went, I went, come on, we'll both put these sheets and pillowcases and duvet covers on and it'll save time.

And what have you done? You've bitten your finger so much that there's blood pissing out your hand and you turned and went i can't do the sheets i'll get blood on them and i thought you have gnawed gnawed at your hand gnawed at your hand like a fox with its leg caught in a trap. Oh, that's horrible. So you didn't have to put the bedsheets on with me. Yeah, I love it when a plan comes together. Absolutely fuming. Shocking. I saw it.

I saw it happen. I knew what you were doing. I'm onto you. It was. I can tell you now, I did not deliberately draw blood so I didn't have to put the sheets on. It sounded like it.

It felt like it. Yeah, I didn't. It was very bad timing. And it's getting bad. I must be, I'm anxious about it. What am I anxious about? Oh, I didn't know. Tell you what I'm anxious about... What am I anxious about? Oh, dear. Tell you what I'm anxious about.

Whenever you wash them bed sheets, do it in the morning or tell us you've done it or tell me to sort them out and I'll sort them out. You haven't been here. That was... Can I tell you... Just honestly...

No, listen to me. Ooh, ooh. Guys, guys. Haven't been here but she's washed the sheets while I've been away. Ooh. Cheating on us much. Is that insin away. Ooh. Cheating on as much.

Is that insinuating a thing? Cheating on as much. Really? Why? Oh, I bloody feared I was going to smell brute of high karate or jazz. Jupe. Jupe. All the old blokes you've been shagging it off.

I think you'll find my lad likes Old Spice. If it's a guy of the Old Spice advert, I bow out. You can have him. I think you'll find my lad likes Old Spice. If it's a guy of the Old Spice advert I bow out. You can have him. I can't compete with that. Yeah, very true. That was the third wash of the day.

Third wash of the day. Yeah, so don't... How stained was it that you had to wash them three times? The third load. Three loads a lot of them. Three loads.

Christopher, stop it. Some people don't change the bed sheets at all. You should think yourself lucky. Yeah, stop it. Some people don't change the bed sheets at all. You should think yourself lucky. Yeah, I suppose. It's time for questions from the public.

Questions from the public. Public. Public. Rosie, you changed it there and I didn't like it. Don't do that again.

That was terrifying. Sorry, I'm just looking. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, shagmarryroyd at gmail.com. Dear Chris and

Rosie, I just did a poo at work and wiped my bum. For fuck's sake, man. I know, I know. So, yeah, who's coming back from a shit at the office, getting to the desk

and going, I must email the Ramses? You haven't heard the rest of it, Chris. Oh, do I want to? Come on, then. Well, I just did a poo at work and wiped my bum and there was a tapeworm on the tissue.

Oh, Jesus. Yeah. I went and told my boss that I needed to call the doctor because I thought and there was a tapeworm on the tissue. Oh Jesus. I went and told my boss that I needed to call the doctor because I thought I'd passed a tapeworm. I started to dial my doctor's number and I realised that last night I'd had a lot of bean sprouts in my stir fry.

Oh. Do I tell him it was a false alarm and I need to chew my food better or should I just roll with it? Right. I've got... This is... What the fuck? Right.

They haven't kept themselves anonymous, but I... Right, well, I'm not saying their name because I don't want to give them any airtime because they're an absolute disgusting animal. One, chew your food. Stop eating like a fucking pelican, right? And just lean on your head back

and let it fall down, your absolute horror, right? And two, who... That's a massive what kind of relationship have you got with your boss where you run in like it's the teacher

at the fucking infant school yeah but excuse me I just did poo poo and I saw a worm on bum I need a phone doctor help

okay let's go and phone the doctor what the hell man oh sorry I just had a it's a day going on just go I'm sorry

I've got to oh sorry I've just got to I've got to I've got to oh sorry I've just got to I didn't mention this before I've just got to go and quickly phone the doctor and poor doctor and did they phone the doctor

or did they not get to that they dialed the number and then they've gone bean sprouts I think you can just just leave it I think you can just leave it because

I don't know your boss I don't know what relationship we've got with your boss but I don't think the boss wants a follow up on that yeah no neither do I I don't think the boss is going to come around and say hey sorry yeah just what happened with the what relationship we've got with your boss but I don't think the boss wants a follow up on that yeah no neither do I I don't think the boss is going to come around

and say hey sorry yeah just what happened with the tapeworm eager to know do I need to change that chair or what

I think tapeworms take a lot more effect than that don't they they make you lose weight what is a tapeworm oh yeah it's the

one that eats all your food yeah so they eat your food and they've got to be like taken out and they're just I mean they're not

the size of a beansprout let's put it that way yeah so she thought he or she thought the sort after

no you never have a little check not really I mean you don't check on your work no not really I think Picasso stood back

and admired his paintings no but I tell you the other day right gave Rafe a little bit of no nappy time because sometimes I just think

when babies have nappies on all the time it's not you know you think he needs a bit of air yeah so I had a bit no nappy time because sometimes I just think when babies have nappies on all the time, it's not, you know, you think, he needs a bit of air. Yeah. So I had a bit of no nappy time.

Was he due a poo? I can't remember. Anyway, he had a poo on the floor. Brilliant. And he's been a bit constipated so it was quite like solid. Right.

I picked it up, wiped the floor, let him crack on. I could still smell poo. I was like, I can still smell poo in this room. And my mum was like

I think it's a bin obviously bin oh god you've got to vent out there against the bin that your family's got

anyway went to move his little toy thing out of the way of the door hard little bit of shit brilliant

on the floor just on the deck dried because we got under floor heating it was dry oh under floor oh

I didn't think of that yeah and that was the smell. I knew it. Oh, God. Luckily, it was only, it was the day after.

Like it was on a very low heat in Teppanyaki. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I don't know how, he must have done one there

and then done the rest over there. Oh, just spreading it out, why not? Yeah, great. Good for him. Oh,

God, good, what? Hi, Chris and Rosie. I've just listened to episodes 130 and 131 and hearing rosie's annoyance with chris's infatuation with the fish and i think it might genuinely be a dad thing yes yeah i've had this said yes okay when my parents first moved in our home some 27 years ago my dad was in the navy

so you can imagine that after spending nine months at sea he might have done some home renovations which my mum and him could enjoy together but no he decided to dig out and plumb his own pond and fill it with koi right why he skipped a tank and went straight to an outdoor pond i'll never know wow he's very proud of these fish and they are still swimming about to this day bar one cold carrot. His attachment to these fish is quite often compared to

that of me and my brother. Although to be fair, he's known the fish longer. What? So he loves them the same as the kids. Right. How's he known the fish longer? They've been there for 27 years. Sorry, she's old enough to...

The fish have been there for 27 years? Yeah, he built the tank 27 years ago. Sorry. No. They do. They last for years. 27 fucking year, a fish. How long do...

35 years! Are you kidding me that is a commitment oh my god yeah alright I apologise and yeah fuck ever getting some of them good god almighty

how would you leave them do you know how people have have koi ponds in the house and like we've looked at houses with koi ponds and I'm like oh that's lovely and they're like you'll be staying and i'm like well yeah we've got yeah we've got children we're gonna have to fill that in but like how if i'd had them for years and how do you leave them that's a lot yeah you'd have to take them with you so they live 25 to 35 years said on google there so they're gonna be on their way out soon so okay okay well let's listen to the rest of this right when a loose brick fell off the pond wall and broke over my toe

at my brother's christening while trying to play the stop the balloon from hitting the floor game, my dad's first reaction was to get the balloon out of the pond so the fish wouldn't eat the rubber. Similarly... She's hopping around with a broken toe. And he's like, the fish! The pond, the balloon! Similarly,

when we were robbed and had three bikes stolen, my dad ran straight in the garden in his pyjamas and meticulously counted all of the fish in case these robbers

Who's nicking your fish, man? had decided to have a side over a fish along with their three bikes. I love it. Rather than check if any of the power tools were stolen.

He checked on the fish first brilliant i love it when all fish were accounted for he went straight to work rather than give me a lift to college which was five miles away wow because the bike would be nick yeah fantastic fast forward to lockdown one where the tedium tedium is that right of never leaving your house having hadn't hit and remember that and we had quite a nice heat wave yeah that was 4 p.m wine time baby yeah sadly carrot had passed away during the night and was discovered by dad when he did his daily feeds he came back indoors with a tear in his eye and kept repeating oh no i can't believe he's gone my family and i had all jumped to the conclusion that perhaps a relative of corn covered and kept pressing for who it was

when he could finally tell us it was the fish none of us could quite process what to do with it. It was a grown man at seemingly breaking point over a fish. He took us all outside and grabbed his net, apparently to have the funeral there and then. He hoisted the three-foot fish... Holy shit! I know, out of the pond, half in the net, half limp over the edge. How big's this fucking pond?

It's big big he walked to a quiet corner of the garden where we assumed he'd already dug a plot but no he flung the fish over the wall into the woods next door and all he could see was foxes might as well have carrot now can't even get a new one bloody lockdown shut all the fisheries All the fisheries. Can you imagine walking through those woods with your dog and some fucking maniac throws a three foot fucking coy over the fence. Three foot? How tall is Robin?

It's about the size of Robin. It can't be three foot. You see that Dyson fan on the floor there? Yeah. That's about three foot. Well, actually, they do get big. Yeah. How is he hoisted?

The net would break? That is... Right, okay. How long can a koi get? Japanese koi, 26 inches long. That's just over two feet. So it must be two feet. Okay, so a third of the way up that thing.

It's still massive. It's still... If I'm out walking a dog and I'm walking through the woods and one of them comes flying over the fucking fence, I absolutely shit my pants. You'd think there'd been a tsunami. The foxes can have him now.

Fucking foxes. The next couple of days, just a fat as fuck fox just hobbling through your garden looking for some chips. Oh, God. That's great. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Rosie and Chris, hello. This didn't happen to me, but to someone I work with. And every time I think about it, Oh God. That's great.

Rosie and Chris, hello. This didn't happen to me, but to someone I work with. And every time I think about it, it makes me cringe from my head to my toes. Could work as a Rosie's Mysteries, apparently. Okay. Are you going to do it as a Rosie's Mysteries or not? Mysteries, Mysteries. I can't remember because I got this question quite a while ago.

So I'm actually, I'm reading it kind of fresh again. Very unprofessional. Okay. Well, hey, what are you going to do? do how are you then let me set the scene standard office hottie all the girls in the office fancied him probably even some of the men to be honest okay have i worked anywhere with an office hottie i'm sure you were the office hottie love oh i did once work somewhere and i was young i think i was like 18 or 19 right and one of the managers was nice and I was young. I think I was like 18 or 19. Right. And one of the managers was nice. Right. And he was older.

Okay. And he had a nice car. Okay. And I remember being like, it's impressive. Yeah. See, that's why the bed sheet smelled of dupe. Is that why? Jazz and high karate.

It was too old for me, but I was like, oh. Right, okay. Yeah. Okay. Yeah. Like, you know, like I was impressed by like his position and that. Yeah.

I was just, yeah. That's how they get you. I get, I get, I can understand how. That's how they get you. I mean, he didn't look at me twice, so. No?

No. No, he wouldn't have. Yeah. Yeah. Is that because you kept going up and saying you thought you had tapeworm when you had to ring the doctor?

Probably. I've lost, I've just done poo by bum bum. It were me. Can I ring doctor? Yeah, yes. Just get, get out doctor yeah yes just get out can you just back out of me car

so I can shut the window one day said office hottie was on the phone organising a delivery and gave his address my work colleague who was his number one fan in brackets

and a bit obsessed I'll be honest proceeds to type his address into google maps on her phone oh my god that is creepy as shit to have a nose at where he lives.

Cue Google Maps, starting route two. And proceeds to read out hot guy's full address. That is amazing. Serves her right. Serves her right. Do you think? That's amazing. It was quiet in the office at the time,

so everyone had heard him give his address over the phone which also meant everyone heard the girl's phone blaring it out shortly afterwards. Fantastic. She couldn't look up out of embarrassment and called in sick the next day. Oh man that is amazing. She spoke to him on her return and tried

to play it off like Siri must have heard the address and done it automatically. Clever. To which he laughed awkwardly and made excuses to go make a cup of tea they're actually together now

so it has worked out well oh that's bullshit oh is it oh they're not together no they're not oh wouldn't that be nice though

oh I was well up for that sorry no they're not sorry guys sorry for ruining your day everyone out there I was I was weird

honestly you cracked my cold heart there I was I was weird honestly you cracked my cold heart there I was well up for that well it would have been like love actually and er she's just obsessed yeah yeah and Carl

with Carl yeah yeah but sorry wow okay then yeah I mean that is oh my god that is mortifying you'd want to die

that is mortifying starting route to oh yeah you know what she should have didn't get out of it she should have just stood up

and followed her phone out of the door do you think yeah she was following the route how would you stop I would have screamed I would have screamed

as soon as it went starting route to it I went just so you couldn't hear it that was amazing yeah well done did you enjoy the ick stuff

I did enjoy the ick stuff I did enjoy the ick stuff right I did as well and I've started following something on Instagram yeah which is all about

icks so what I love so much about it is women especially blokes it takes blokes a lot more to be put off

oh loads like by someone they're just looking at and they're fancying yeah it takes them a lot more but women

can be put off the greatest looking man in the world by something that they do. And I find it fascinating. Yeah, well, you're going to write. You're going to love this. Someone sent in a list.

Brilliant. Okay. Hello, Chris and Rosie. I've just finished catching up on the most recent podcast. And after hearing some of the icks that have been mentioned, I decided I immediately needed to write in. Great. For a bit of backstory, about a month ago,

me and my best friend both broke up with our boyfriends and in our sad little self-pity state, this is what me and my friends, when we went through this, we call it the dark days.

Got you. There's a full chapter in the book if you ever want to read it. We decided to write The Great Ick List. The Great Ick List. Which is a long list

of things that would put us off a boy pretty instantly. Wow. After some reflection, quite a few of them are rather silly, but I thought I would send them in anyway. Brilliant.

Well, hey, fellas listening. Right. Fellas, ladies listening, or fellas listening, if you want to add anything into the list, feel free to send something into the ick list. Fellas listening, pen and paper, get these written down. Don't do these or you'll die alone. Some of these things can't be helped at all.

No, no, no. This is scientific. These are two scientists who've written in, write these down or you'll die alone. of these things can't be helped at all no no no this is scientific these are two scientists who've written in write these down or you'll die alone I'm dying on that hill all you've got to do

the secret is right you've done loads of stuff since we got married yeah yeah because I'm allowed yeah but you never did them

you're locked in yeah exactly I started doing even worse stuff when the podcast started happening because where are you going to go I know where are you going to go from now I mean I could just start a podcast

with somebody else there's loads no yeah whatever couldn't i yeah right here's number one okay on the ick list right there's quite there's there's 30 of these are they in order or they're just don't i don't think so okay they're just there's 30 of them whether i'll get through them all but here we go right number one um chasing a ping pong ball yes yes horrible yes i would also put up with like dropping a parking ticket when you're from the machine on the way back the car and the wind catches it and you have to just scurry along the floor bent over yeah cheers to ping pong ball fantastic regularly updating facebook status yeah oh got it three driving at exactly the same speed right okay just like on the road just doing 70 really right okay wow that's a weird one yeah i find that safe but um four when they miss

the beat drop even ickier when they're too early oh what's up you're dancing in the middle wow that is that is yeah number five owning a pencil case owning a pencil case now i i i don't like that because i was a big fan of my pencil cases at school and i feel like my actually no yeah probably owning a pencil case probably upset no i don't mind a pencil case i don't know i think owning a pencil case really i think it probably put a lot of girls off me okay mine were great i had a i had a goal one and it was made of like wetsuit material awful right okay that's it to me that's great i had loads of good stuff in i used to write the title in black or blue

and then underline with a green and a red pen is this at school yeah at school well you've got to have a pencil case I think they're talking about grown men

with pencil cases this isn't like can I sorry can I still have a pencil case now am I allowed if you wanted one oh

I might get a pencil hey I can't believe this but that could possibly be the same for men with women like you know if Elastig's got a fluffy pen

it could be Nick a fluffy pen like you know what I mean yeah oh a fluffy pen yeah dropping paper and struggling to pick it up

because the wind keeps blowing it away yeah pressing the zebra crossing button what ridiculous first of all

whoever wrote this you're an idiot there's no button at the zebra crossing it's just it's oh well there must be the pelican crossing

great yeah taking a selfie wow okay wow crossing his legs oh carrying an umbrella

some of this is just sensible stuff sitting on a bar stool dangling the legs dangling this is awful dangling I get that I get that sitting like a little toddler yeah put it on the put it on the stand yeah great okay very fair enough tripping and acting like they didn't brilliant yeah losing balance on the tube or train wow sitting on the toilet i mean

oh this is what's he gonna do evolve his arsehole out I don't know fuck off sitting in the bath with no bubbles just water wow I don't know okay what's this them on a trampoline playing crack the egg

and them being the egg what's crack the egg no idea what that is must be when you've got to be the egg they might be the one at the bottom I don't know what I'm talking about

if you've ever seen a trampoline that can do backflips that can do front flips that can do a backflip where you do a spin in it so I think you'll find it'll be absolutely soaking wet, love.

So there we go. This is great. This is great. Being spun around on the barber's chair to view their hair in the mirror like a grand reveal. Great. Love that.

Absolutely great. There's only a few more. Eating spag bol And getting orange stains Around the mouth Brilliant Yeah horrible Screaming on a roller coaster

Not letting them live God almighty Standing naked Waiting for the shower To heat up Great Yeah Having a milk moustache

Bouncing up and down At a concert Wow Being tickled And they squirm Like stop it Stop it Hee hee I'll be ticklish I'll tell you what Hey up and down at a concert wow being tickled and they squirm like stop it stop it i'll be ticklish hey i tell you what hey be prepared to die alone you two

running for the bus whilst wearing a backpack that's absolutely great right i get that that is banging is it yeah it, yeah. Tripping on the stairs. That'd be nice. Right, great. Stubbing his toe then, grabbing it in pain. Wow. Wow.

And finally, his mum walking in on him having a wank and he struggles to grab the doofie quickly. Gee. Right. How specific is that?

What, is she in the room while he's having a wank? I don't know. I don't know. They're fucking great though. They were lovely, weren't they? So, to extrapolate from this, they are basically after a strong silent type

with perfect balance a pain threshold who never stubs his toes somehow never carries anything she wants to marry Captain America yeah this is ridiculous unattainable

so he's got to hit the beat specifically on the beat drop but he's not allowed to bounce something down on a console so what's he supposed to do with the beat drop love eh don't know fucking hand signals so like specifically on the beat drop but he's not allowed to bounce something down on a console so what's he supposed to do with the beat drop love eh don't know

fucking hand signals so like they're gonna die alone they're dying alone girls listen you've got to you've got to put up with a couple of icks

it's incredible there's got to be a few icks wow so from a male perspective what's your icks what's your icks with me on me icks with you

yeah there's a fucking Rosie there's 161 episodes of them and you're beefs alright okay I suppose yeah yeah

openly scratching your vagina is starting to do me nothing that's reoccurring more and more these days she honestly

she parts her knees like she's in fucking stirrups or whatever they're called the leg holders at the hospital and she will just absolutely fucking go to town she will go to town

honestly like a combine harvester in a field oh i'm sorry i'm sorry i'm 35 year old i've got two kids i'm married i married I own half this house I'm scratching my vagina good you can look you can scratch it honestly scratching the vagina

is not even that bad it's when you immediately sniff your fingers afterwards that I really get upset I'm joking she doesn't do that you don't

don't even that's just nasty I'll own the scratch in my vagina I'm not scratching I'm not smelling alright well, sometimes, sometimes I find it a bit icky

when you come in a room and you put the light and you dim the lights or you'll put the lamps, you'll put the lights on and you'll stand at the gym. She's trying to get you in the mood. It makes you feel a bit ill.

I dim the lights and I go, wow, wow, wow. And then you scratch your vagina and I turn them back on full pelt and I leave. I'm not going in there. Oh, Chris, if you've just said that, you're horrible. Do you know what it is?

Funnily, as a woman, I know that all women, sometimes, you know. It's a part of your body. It gets itchy. Don't get weird about it. It's fine. Well, it's embarrassing, though. How is it embarrassing? You're in your own house that you're one half of, that you keep mentioning.

What's it? I don't know. What's the word? Gauche. Mentioning money. Going about owning half the house. Well, I absolutely do. I'm a Johnny Hollywood.

And I'm not being funny if we ever split up. I'm a Billy Big Bollocks. You think I'm not keeping the house? I'm a Francesca Itchifanny. Babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babadoo babado babadoo babado babadoo babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babado babadoo, babadoo. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. From me and my itchy fanny, you have been listening to this week's episode of Shag, Married, Annoyed,

which is part of the Acast Creator Network. Never, ever, ever on a podcast that I co-host, co-created and co-owned did I think I would come third fiddle to your itchy fanny. But there we go. That's life, guys. As always, thank you so much for listening.

Thank you so much for writing in. Please keep doing sh keep doing shag my annoyed at gmail.com if you want to send anything in and just one more shout out uh the last leg of my tour is going to start in a few weeks time shut up love got manchester there's still tickets for manchester there's still some tickets for carlisle pool blackburn and a handful for two shows in glasgow get on it they're on my website chrisramseycomedy.com. See you there on that stand-up tour. In my defence, rig the itchy fanny.

Yeah. I've been using a lot of shower gels that I got for Christmas in packs. Right, right. And normally I have to use like a really,

I use Sanex, I have to use like a really sensitive one. So I think that's what's happening. If I was the person who's editing this, I would just sort of, as you were saying that,

I would just put the music louder and louder so no one had to listen to that. Or this, indeed, and just fade it out like nothing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Too much. Okay. Do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do-do- rock city you're the best fans in the league bar none tickets are on sale now for fan appreciation

night on saturday april 13th when the toronto rock hosts the rochester nighthawks at first ontario center in hamilton at 7 30 p.m you can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.