Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 164. The Best Walker

Episode Date: April 22, 2022

On this week’s podcast Chris and Rosie discuss Easter Eggs, VPL, hand towels and some more ick! There’s an awkward zoom funeral moment and an elaborate name for a pot washer! Enjoy smas & das! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Gets it gets now. Hello. You're listening to a sober Shagmaridonoid with me, Rosie Ramsey. And my, are you sober? Yes. Husband, Christopher Ramsey.

Yeah, we weirdly just sort of tried to discuss what we talked about last week and we couldn't actually remember. I can't, genuinely can't remember. I just had a little flick through the questions from the public and I don't know what's in, what's not, what was said. You were literally like, did I tell you? And you tried to say it sort of coded so you're not giving it away. But you're like, did I tell you a one about such and such last week? And I was like, I don't know.'s in, what's not, what was said. You were literally like, did I tell you? And you're trying to say it sort of coded so you're not giving it away, but you're like, did I tell you a one about such and such last week? And I was like, I don't know. What was going on? I might get a flashback while we're doing it.

It was Charlie who edited it last week and I phoned her and she said, I said, was it a mess? I'm so sorry, was it an absolute nightmare? And all she said, very, very diplomatically, she said, it's the most editing I've ever had to do. Shut up. Did she say that?

She had to take loads of shit out. Oh God. Just fucking gobbledygooking. Alright, we say what we want. Take that out, you'll get cancelled. Alright then.

Thank you. Don't have any real opinions. Don't say what you think. Definitely not when you're pissed. No, absolutely. Definitely not when you're pissed. The worst time to do it actually.

Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's always like, the truth comes out. It's a truth serum. The truth comes out when you, actually. Oh, absolutely. Yeah. Yeah, yeah. Everyone's always like, the truth comes out. It's a truth serum.

The truth comes out when you're drunk. No, no, the truth of you as an arsehole comes out when you're drunk, which isn't your truth. I'm a nice drunk. Speak for yourself. You're all right.

No, I'm all right. Some people, some people are vile, aren't they? Oh, yeah, yeah. Some people have a drink and you're like, oh, shut up.

Oh, God, yeah. Blokes, blokes who want to fight everyone. Yes. I mean, we've all been there. When you're younger, though, when you're younger and you get pissed, you're like oh shut up oh god yeah uh blokes blokes who want to fight everyone yes i mean we've all been there when you're younger though when you're younger and you get pissed you're always like i'll fight everyone i mean some people aren't but i think i definitely was because i used to think i was a boxer i used to box didn't i so i'll go box on a friday night then i'll go out and be like i'm a probably like i'm so glad no one ever took us up on it because i got fucking murdered outside the chip shop you're not meant to take your sport any further

than the uh than that though are you you're meant to leave it there a discipline a discipline yeah I mean I'm talking like 70 like an idiot

but yeah and people who just start crying get really upset and start crying yeah so happy days but you are

I've always said this you are a very very good drunk you're a lovely drunk it's because it's never helped me system yeah just topping yourself

back up that's a lot I haven't had a drink for two oh I did I had a gin and tonic You're a lovely drunk. It's because it's never out of my system. Yeah. You're just topping yourself back up. That's a lot. I haven't had a drink for two... Oh, I did. I haven't... Oh, shit. You literally had a gin and tonic last night. Fucking hell.

They don't count. Yeah. Nothing. Yeah, maybe. They do hydrate you quite a bit. The tonic's hydrating, isn't it? Or have I made that up? I don't know.

But yeah, you came in drunk the other night. Last Thursday night, I think. You came in. You'd been out with your friends. You came in. You and Robin fell asleep on the sofa. Oh, yeah, that was nice. Yeah, and then we sat and watched Taskmaster together, didn't we?

Oh, look at you. Look at you, had to shoehorn it in there. Talk about your other show. Just the fact that I had to wake you up to go, it's on, you know, and you're like, all right. I came home for it. All right, man. It's a commitment.

I enjoyed it a lot, actually. Oh, it's a great show. It's really good. I've enjoyed it a lot, actually. It's a great show. It's really good. Very, bit weird. Very weird. Weird show. Very weird. Because I've never fully really watched it.

Yeah. Not because I haven't wanted to, only because you've never let us, because you haven't been on it for years and you're freezing to watch it. I will happily say, I've told everyone on the show and I will tell everyone in the world,

my, literally our management company make it and it's absolutely up my street and 100% my bag, baby. And it's took them 13 bastard fucking seasons to get us on. Of course, of course I wasn't going to sit and watch every other fucking comic I know doing a show that I love to do. Okay, come on in, everyone. Have sex with me wife. I'll just watch it happen.

Fuck that. Some people do that. Yeah that yeah no i'm all right for that but um the thing is right uh what's weird is the whole team who do it are brilliant i can't can't stress enough how incredible the entire team behind it i'm not just on camera all the people behind the people who think of the tasks oh yeah when we were at the british comedy awards they all walked in because obviously taskmaster won an award they all walked in and i went up there i was like do you know when they all walked in because obviously Taskmaster won an award they all walked in and I went up to them and I was like do you know when you

all walked in I got a really funny feeling in my stomach because I thought I was going to have to do something really fucking weird they literally walked in

and I was like oh god what are they going to make us do oh no it's just an award hi guys I'm yet to get a review from me nana from Taskmaster

yeah I don't know if she'll have got it that's going to be none of your family thought I'd be on every week oh yeah

they were all congratulating you like well done because you won the first task and I was like it's on for how long is it on for

8 weeks I think 8 weeks they might not watch the full thing that's absolutely fine who knows my mum did the same she said brilliant

you are great really weird show I was like yeah it's not for you me aunties text us 3 or 4 times did your mum think it was finished

you were away for weeks honestly no one listens to me show. I was like, yeah, it's not for you. Me aunties text us three or four times. Did your mum think it was finished? You were away for weeks. Honestly, no one listens to me. No one gives a shit. You were hardly here. You were between your two hair. You were doing that. We couldn't tell anyone. But you told family, I think, didn't you? Or were you not allowed?

Again, me mum and dad don't even listen to this. I don't think they give a fuck. I don't think they care. Really strange. They do care. I don't think they do. I don't think they care. Really strange. They do care, I think. I don't think they care. I don't think they care at all. Holidays are back on the cards for me mum and dad now, so we're not seeing the bastards for dust. They've booked a lot.

That'll be it. They have booked a lot. Fucking cruisers and all kinds, greedy sods. Better get a mink in that printer. You're going to be getting asked to do a lot of printing, a lot of forms to print out, even though when I went to France just recently, I filled out loads of forms, printed off loads of shit.

Did I get asked? Did I? Bollocks. I didn't get asked for nothing, which was infuriating, Chris. I'm not going to lie. Right. To the point where I actually said to someone, do you need to say this?

And they went, no. And I went, oh. Oh, you speak French? I was fluent. Oh, wow. Well done. Oui. No.

Thank you. Thank you. Well done. Oui. Non. Hi. Thank you. Thank you. Well done. Look at you. Ask Robin. Ask Robin what exit is and he'll tell you. Yeah.

Sortie. Sortie. Sortie. Brilliant. Guys, it is episode 164. Oh, that's embarrassing. No, it is. It's episode 164. Thank you so much for tuning in and coming back, that's embarrassing. No, it is. It's episode 164.

Thank you so much for tuning in and coming back, you wonderful people. And without any further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor, Rosie, you're going to love it. This week's sponsor is getting out of breath doing stuff that shouldn't get you out of breath. Can I guess the first one? Yeah. Is it walking up the stairs? No, no. that i think that that could get you out of breath it stays you're what you're propelling your entire body all the way up they're not that big though like come on yeah i mean we've got a landing halfway on ours

we don't even have a full set of stairs in our house you can have a little rest halfway there is actually a bench there as well there's a bench yeah there's a bench there's a little uh water water dispenser little protein little protein bar machine there's a bench there as well there is a bench for that purpose there's a little water dispenser little protein bar machine there's a lady there with hot towels I wish she's costing us a fortune we need to get rid of her

no so what it made us think it was just today you just made us a lovely little chicken salad thing I washed the skillet the pan that you opted to use I had to fucking sit down what do you mean?

getting all the burnt chicken off the skillet Rosie I had to sit down afterwards I was fucked but you didn't leave it to use I had to fucking sit down what do you mean getting all the burnt chicken off the skillet Rosie I had to sit down afterwards I was fucked but you didn't leave it to steep I left it to steep how long for

carnage about an hour half an hour I absolutely did don't look don't start telling me about time in this house

I don't feel like you've left why is it a beef because you're you're just I don't want to waste the beef hang on is it this week's beef no it's not you're like a time bandit't want to waste the beef hold on is it this week's beef no it's not

you're like a time bandit it's so weird what does that even mean why am I a time bandit because you go right so first it was going to be a beef in a few weeks time

but fuck it I'm going to use it now yeah early beef guys roll up roll up so basically what'll happen is you'll go

I'll go like we'll be packing the car to go somewhere and I'll go out and I'll stick these things in the car and you go no don't do that now

do this instead and I go right and I do something else and then literally 30 seconds later you go then things in the car and I go you and I stick these things in the car and you go no don't do that now do this instead and I go right and I do something else and then literally 30 seconds later you go then things in the car and I go

you told me not to put them in you go I thought you were going to put them in I go well when when was the allocated time why can't you do enough stuff honestly

admit it you do it all you do it when I'm getting ready I'm admitting to nothing your honour I admit to nothing something like and I'll talk about this

in a bit right because I'm going to come back I nearly died yesterday something like I had to nothing. Something like, and I'll talk about this in a bit, right? Oh, what the hell? I nearly died yesterday, right? Something like, I had to put the bouncy castle away yesterday. How did you nearly die? We've got a mini bouncy castle thing. The bouncy castle was windy.

I'll talk about that later. I go outside to do it. Make it a breath. So I will go to do a task that you have no frame of reference for, but you will allocate a magical, extremely short amount of time in your head that that task should take right okay I'll tell you what

I'll tell you the time that I allocate is the time it would take me to do it how the fuck do you know how long it would take you to put them two

bouncy castles away I've done it before in the wind you can piss off I nearly died yesterday but honestly I thought this is the end I wasn't talking about

the bouncy castle I was talking about packing the car yeah but if you tell us not to do it you're just doing stuff man no you think I'm quicker than I should be and you tell us not to do it. You're just doing stuff, man. No, you think I'm quicker than I should be and you tell me not to do stuff

and then go, why is that not done? Listen, I'm going to stop this now because this will be painful to listen to. Listen, number two. Is this the introduction? I know, number two in the sponsor's list of things that get you out of breath that shouldn't. Arguing with your wife.

A fucking goose. Did you only have one thing? No, no. Come on, I want to hear some more. Genuinely, if I'm ever wearing, I've got these red wing boots, if I'm wearing boots, tying you only have one thing no no come on I want to hear some more genuinely if I'm ever I've got these red wing boots

if I'm wearing boots tying the laces on my boots yeah putting them bending down and putting the laces through the little eye socket things the eye holes

whatever they're called and tying the boots absolutely knackered putting the kids in the car oh exhausting put Rafe in the car turn around I walk around the back of the car

and I sit in and I sit in the chair and I go oh yeah another thing which is exhausting just car, put Rafe in the car, turn around, I walk around the back of the car and I sit in and I sit in the chair and I go, oh. Yeah. Another thing which is exhausting, just holding a baby, right, and then grabbing stuff. Yeah, yeah. And then touching your face and grabbing your head and just, it's just like, fuck me.

I don't know. Stop grabbing. Shit. How do babies, this is, I don't know if we spoke about this before, how do they manage to propel themselves downward? How do they manage to make gravity more? You know when you're holding a baby and the baby wants to get to the floor

and it just makes itself heavier somehow? It's exhausting. It's like a fucking Jedi. It reaches, like Rafe does it, he reaches for the floor and somehow pulls himself to the floor by sheer will alone. And I'm like, how are you,

you're defying physics. How are you going down? It just... It doesn't make sense. You're so right how do you drag yourself down you know when he goes floor and you're like

what the fuck's happening this baby just got heavier he's now he doesn't want to get in a pram anymore so he does the have you not seen him yet no no

so he tried to put him in his put because he started walking and he thinks he's the best walker since sliced bread you I'm sorry thinks he's the best walker since they spread. I knew it. Sorry.

Sorry. He's not. Sorry. Guys. Everyone, can we just take a moment to see what Rosie's just said about our own child. Our youngest.

Our second born. Our own flesh and blood. Fucking lucky him, man. Thinks he's the best fucking walker in the world. Ho! News flash, dickhead. News flash. People have been walking long before you and they'll be walking when you're gone, mate. thinks he's the best fucking walker in the world. Ho, newsflash, dickhead. Newsflash.

People have been walking long before you and they'll be walking when you're gone, mate. It's an Olympic sport, Rafe. You're not that good. What are you talking about? No, I don't know why it came out weird. Anyway, he just loves walking now that he's found out he can do it.

And he won't get in his push chair so he does the old straight back routine. Yeah, oh yeah, yeah, straight back. Straight back and just like old straight back routine yeah you know it's just like straight back and just like you try to push him in he's just having none of it so then you look like an absolute lunatic

trying to put your kid in a push chair and everyone's staring at you and it's just the straight back's hilarious it's amazing it wedges his head on the top of the push chair

feet on the bottom and you just you cannot push the pelvis the pelvis will not go in same with the car seat as well yeah honestly such a weird age look at the fucking strut on him man You cannot push the pelvis. The pelvis will not go in. Same with the car seat as well. Yeah. Honestly.

Such a weird age. Look at the fucking strut on him, man. He thinks he's a fucking class walker, him. Oh, don't, because I feel terrible. Because he is doing very well. Who? 14-month-old. Who the fuck do you think you are? Crawl again.

Get down on your hands and knees where you belong. Honestly, Rosie, that might be one of the worst things anyone's ever said about their child thinks he's the best walker don't don't do that i know what you mean he puts his little hands up and he's like right can we i i love him so much i would jump in front i know but sometimes i feel terrible no don't worry about anything it's a joke it's a joke it's a joke you know i would i would literally jump in front of the bus when we get divorced i will play this at the hearing i will get full custody not because i want full custody but just to annoy you you would hate full custody if we ever split up you'll be

like who's fighting 80 20 like in your favor yeah fuck yeah christ yeah i'll have weekends if i haven't got plans i'll have them when you pop to the shop. How often do you say your dad? We're both joking. We're both joking. Half an hour a week. We're both joking. We're both joking. Play that jingle.

You're not joking. You're not joking. I know, but I've got to tell them I'm joking so I don't get in trouble. You'd disappear. You'd disappear off the face of the earth. I'd be off on my bike. You would.

I'd just tuck out on my bicycle. You'd marry your bike. Jingle? Yes. Yeah. We had her out for my bicycle. You'd marry your bike. Jingle? Yes. Yeah. We had a fight about the jingle, jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bab. Jingle! Jingle! Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shag Maronoid.

As always, it's just, it's Geet Lush, Davies back. It really is and I've changed my chair. You have. I don't like it. It's really good, so I've changed my chair because my chair, I don't know if anyone can hear it. You can hear it, it's been squeaking. It's squeaking, it's really irritating. So I've changed to a wooden chair that was in the corner that had a lamp on and there's a cushion on it. really irritating so i've changed to a wooden chair that was in the corner that had a lamp on and there's a cushion on it and it's like um it's like that police tactic when they're interviewing

people where your chair is much lower than mine now when i'm interrogating you so you're like do i feel intimidated do i ball i'm not intimidated more than usual um and i'm so i'm on a big lovely chair now it's got arms it's wooden look at how much i'm moving me guys you can't tell but i'm moving so much and there's no creaking so you're all welcome so there we go so much going on great what has been going on it's been Easter

Easter yeah Easter it's good holidays Easter holidays yes we had some friends round you haven't enjoyed it

what the Easter holidays yeah no just the Easter bit you like eggs yeah I like Easter eggs but I'm trying to be really good so actually they've been they're filled with guilt yeah guilt I like Easter eggs, but I'm trying to be really good, so actually they've been,

they're filled with guilt. Yeah. Guilt-ridden Easter eggs. Where do you get them ones? Can I get the ones, sometimes, sorry, they've got chocolate buttons inside. No, can I get the ones with guilt in, please?

You got them? I had a full Easter egg the other night. I don't know how you do it. What? Because you bang on about Easter eggs so much. An Easter egg chocolate is lovely, but I can only have a, I know, I know. Oh, shut up. I'm a salivter egg chocolate is lovely but I can only have oh shut up

I'm a salinity person who you hate I can only have a couple of bits oh yeah shut up I took a full easter egg out of the fridge the other day

and I sat and ate it while I was watching the telly and I felt I was going to die I've seen you eat three cupcakes yes in a row yes

so you need right but you can't eat a full easter egg no because it's too much of the same thing it's too much of the same thing honestly I hate it when you do shit like

I just can't eat a full easter egg it's too much of the same thing. Honestly, I hate it when you do shit like, I just can't eat a full Easter egg. It's too much of the same thing. Is this a new motivational class that you're doing? Yes, you can. You can eat a full Easter egg. You believe in yourself.

Actually, I know we're skipping a bit ahead here, but I just thought since we're talking about Easter. Hi, Rosie and Chris. Just a quick question for you. What is the strangest on-the-go snack you've ever eaten in public yourself or witnessed someone eat, right? This question came to mind as last week on my way home from work on the Glasgow subway, I saw a young professional, right?

A young professional looking guy eating a full-blown Easter egg straight out of the box. He'd obviously cracked it beforehand and was just eating big shards of the chocolate piece by piece while staring into space. Oh, I think that's great. Good for him. He's having a nice day. She said,

I couldn't decide if I respected his bold choice of on-the-go snack or felt sorry for him. Did he have a bad day? Bearing in mind, this was more than two weeks before his death. Oh, right. Okay.

So, he's gone rogue. It's the first one he's seen in the shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's lost his mind. Well, they're in ages beforehand. I, right, okay. So, he's gone rogue. It's the first one he's seen in the shop. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He's lost his mind. Well, they're in ages beforehand. I've done it meself. Definitely won't be

the worst thing you could witness someone eating in public but aren't Easter Eggs one of those things you gorge on in private at home? No, absolutely not.

Honestly, she has got a point. Like, I've never seen someone eating an Easter Egg out and about. I've never seen someone sitting eating a full Easter Egg on a train.

I would have been fucking mesmerised if I'd seen him eating a full Easter Egg. I've never either but eating an easter egg out and about I've never seen someone sitting eating a full easter egg on a train I would have been fucking mesmerised if I'd seen him eating a full easter egg I've never either but I love it though I'm all for it that's incredible that yeah

just sitting there did he have a bad day or did he have a really good day who knows eh was it celebratory or was it commiseratory I think well I'm not being funny right

easter eggs nowadays yeah not as expensive as they used to be well it's because you don't get a fucking mug anymore. Remember when you got a mug with every single one? It was amazing. The world was incredible.

I just, yeah. Maybe we were just kids and everything was more expensive as kids. But I remember, or maybe it's my mum just telling us everything was really expensive so I didn't ask. Probably, yeah. But I remember eggs being quite, I remember eggs being about four or five quid. Yeah. Yeah, they're a pound.

Yeah. They're a pound. Class. But I mean, you don't remember that you'd get a cream egg one you'd get like mugs sometimes you'd get egg cups with them we had loads of mugs in the house

like well I must have told you before though I got a bit I got a bit sick of easter eggs right so we didn't get many

when we were kids we used to get like one of me mum one of me nana's and that was it maybe it was one at school if you won a competition or some shit like that

that quadruple we didn't get many and then it went from one to four oh I'm sorry have you seen how many easter eggs kids get nowadays? Yeah, it's crazy.

It's absolutely ridiculous. It's stupid. So I ended up saying to my mum, as much as I love Easter eggs, I knew that I could get more in a big slab of chocolate. Yes, I think you've told me this. I've said that before. So a couple of years, I said,

I'll forego the egg and the packaging. Sitting there with the scales out yeah Kate can you pass me that yeah I've got it Kate, Kevin gather round we're being fucking mugged off here like

you seen this fuck you seen this go and make some crispy cakes out of that 250 grams 250 grams at least here yeah

go make some crispy cakes see how far you get eh you're four at most if you want them fully coated if you want them fully coated. If you want them dry as sticks, use your Easter egg.

Yeah, great. That's upsetting, isn't it? Chocolate cornflake cakes or crispy cakes when there's hardly any chocolate. Oh, if you can still see the colour of the original. Yeah, that's got Sandra all over it. That was my childhood. Really? While I eat it out. Watering it down. Put some more water

in the chocolate mum it's not it's not binding it'll be fine it's not binding use our Kevin's tears

yeah but no he still has candy we had a nice weekend we had friends over which was nice that was lovely yeah didn't just to go back to snacks

didn't your mum eat a yoghurt walking through the street with her finger once yes yeah yeah I didn't imagine that no that is a true story

yeah yeah yeah I think it was a mint arrow or something and have I told you about the comedian I know I don't know if I again apologies we've said so much fucking shit on here I can't remember there's a comedian i know who tries to

eat quite healthy when he's on tour and he goes to marks and spencer's and gets a bag of salad from marks and spencer's he's told me this before and he'll open the the bag of salad and pour either i think it was either a tin of sardines or a tin of tuna in, shake it up and then just eat the sardines and tuna out of the bag. That's awful. Does he live in a world where there's no balls? What's the matter with him?

If you're a service station or maybe at a hotel back in the day or maybe you're in a travel lodge, I don't know or maybe it's just the hotel that the venue is put up in or maybe it's late at night. I don't know. Obviously, I mean, he would probably rather go to work. Let's imagine it's a moment where there's no... Well, yeah, but being healthy is really hard on the road, and let's also imagine it's a scenario

where there's no restaurant to go to, where you could just take a... Otherwise, you would just go there and get a salad, I assume. He's not hard up. Right. So... It's still really depressing. I'm sorry.

Oh, yeah, I mean, I'm not sticking up. It's still one of the worst it's still one of the worst things I've ever heard in my life the world's getting a bit better you can buy your salad

that's already prepared that's the saddest salad in the world what's it use these fingers I think so yeah oh my god oh no

how big's the salad as well you get a lot of leaves in a bag yeah yeah jeez yeah his name's alan cochran i don't know if you're saying that he's like the cockerel from frank skinner's radio show on absolute video fantastic comic but yeah i feel like i need to know more about this does he buy any balsamic vinegar is there a dressing i've got no idea it's just oily is out oh that is the saddest thing I've ever heard. Has he had tomatoes?

Is there a spring onion in there? I don't know. That's so bad. My friend in particular this weekend reminded me of a story that you hadn't heard that I'd forgot, which is just incredible. I feel like our listeners need to hear it.

Right. Yes, I agree. My mate Michael was 18 years old and he was in Magaluf with his mates. forgot which is just incredible i feel like our listeners need to hear it right yes i agree my mate michael was 18 years old and he was in magaluf with his mates all the lads they've been out in a night out all the lads went down for food or down to the pool or whatever they were doing he stayed in the room asleep because he's rubbish with hangovers he's genuinely pathetic it's very ill doesn't he yeah and uh the maid came in while he was asleep, and he was sort of half-drifting in and out of sleep, and she cleaned the room, and he stayed there on the bed, hung over his foot.

There was two beds in the room he was in. She made the bed next to him, then picked him up, cradled, and picked up an 18-year-old man and put him on top of the other bed while she changed the sheets on the bed he'd been on and then put him back into the bed he'd been on and tucked him in what i don't unbelievable what can we give her a little clap because that is going above and beyond absolutely

phenomenal what she must have been strong strong she was silly I can barely carry Robin upstairs yeah when he's asleep when he falls asleep but why wouldn't you just leave what right I wouldn't have done it

if someone was in the room first off I don't have to do that one and why mind that must you must be buzzing if your works are made right and someone's in the room

during the day room service oh yeah they're in get in 100% I'd be absolutely

chuffed a bit. Well, sorry. No, no, just if you ever, when we go to these nice hotels and that in London and they come

and they knock on the door and they're like, do you want turndown? And I'm like, oh no, I'm all right. And you can see the happiness

over their face and they're like, do you want some extra water? And I'm like, yeah, get some extra water. Just get some water, hand us the water and leave.

And they're just buzzing. I think, you know what, I feel like I've made your day a little bit there because if I'd have said yes, you'd get some extra water. Just get the water. Hand us the water and leave. And they're just buzzing. I think, you know what? I feel like I've made your day a little bit there. Because if I'd have said yes, you'd have gone, right. To find the turndown service to be. How ridiculous. To go, yes, I would like the turndown service.

And stand in the room. Waiting for them to do it. Watch them pull the quilt down a little bit. And then put the slippers next to your bed. People will. Thanks for that. Like, oh, fucking hell. Well, it's like.

So, yeah. I don't know if this is the same thing because I know that my mum would never take a turndown service because she'd be like don't tell me

daft one you don't but she will take anything else free anything free when we went to France a couple of weeks ago we were on the

we'd just eaten right I made no I made sandwiches I made sandwiches for the plane because you can take food on now

which I think is just amazing so I made all sandwiches had a little packed lunch right we were on the flight we flew with Air France I've never flew with Air France before Air France

it was nice you get a free sandwich right Sandra with a sandwich in her hand saw everyone else getting free sandwiches

put it away she's a disgrace took three free sandwiches she's a disgrace and took is this the jambon sandwich that was in a

plastic container that was in our fridge for three days no that was from the airport rank that by the way yeah rank

why it looked like a russell's burger in one of them plastic packets but it was a ham sandwich it was a ham

and cheese sandwich horrendous loads of ham and cheese over there oh they fucking love it it looked absolutely horrendous slander it's not all the loads of other things France Ham and cheese sandwich. Horrendous. Loads of ham and cheese, haven't they? Oh, they fucking love it. It's all they eat. It looked absolutely horrendous. But, um,

slander. It's not all they eat. They eat loads of other things. Come on. France, the best, one of the best fucking cuisine countries on earth and you have just,

just blanket statement ham and cheese sandwiches is all they eat. Apologise to everyone in France now. I'm so sorry. Fucking disgraceful. I don't think we can do that. No, you can't, of course you can't. Don't worry, France, I've got your back. It's all they eat. Apologise to everyone in France now. I'm so sorry. I'm fucking disgraceful. I don't eat

what can be better. No, you can't. Of course you can't. Don't worry, France, I've got your back. It's all they eat. Just ham and cheese everywhere

and I don't like cheese so I was already worn down. Anyway, she took the free sandwiches and they stayed in the fridge. I think she might eat them. I think the Bairns ate them

but it's just one of them things. It's just like anything for free. Anything for free. I told you, I told you. She's a maniac, just anything for free. Anything for free. Totally a tote bag because she's a maniac. Now listen, I've got a theory now

because my mate was picked up by a maid because I've seen, you know, I've spent a lot of my life in hotels. I genuinely think the way that porn

lies to us all the time, I don't think anyone in the entire world has ever had sex with a maid in a hotel. Ever. Ever. In the world. What do do you mean like a bit like a plumber when a plumber comes around yeah right but you know how like in in porn it's like the maid will come around and the maid will be in the hotel room right no i'm telling you right now, no one, email in, shagmoundandhorn at gmail.com. Would it not?

I disagree. I think somebody has. I think a lot of people have. Honestly, I think they're lying. And I'm going to tell you right now, everyone who emails, you might as well not even email in because I'm just telling you you're lying.

Okay. No, I'm not really, but I just, I don't think, I think it's one of them myths that it's a skeet hard fucking job, a full fucking room and then a full floor

or whatever, how many bits they've got themselves. There's no chance. There is no chance a maid me taking time out of her day to have sex with some it would be a bloke it would be a man cleaner a man cleaner right they would right you're right actually a woman wouldn't know because i'd be like are you are you actually mad i've got a list to stick to you're rotten i've got 15 18 year old boys to move from bed to bed around there joking i'm fucking knackered. Yeah, okay, fair enough, actually. Because I'm just thinking of the world that we're living in

and the stuff we get sent in. I think, well, it might have happened, but no, you're right. Honestly, genuinely, at the risk of sounding like a pervert here, email in if you're a maid who's on sale. No, you're right. I wouldn't. If I was doing that job, I wouldn't have a million years. It's just a thing.

It's just a thing I pop in my head. So I'm looking forward to being proved wrong. Or right. Or right. Mm-hmm. a thing it's just a thing i popped in my head so i'm looking forward to being proved wrong all right all right will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever join the sunrise challenge to raise funds for cam age the center for addiction and mental health to support life-saving progress in mental health care from may 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction

that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre

in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com this friday you must be very careful margaret it's a girl witness the birth bad things will start out evil things of evil it's oh no don't the first omen i believe the girl is to be the mother mother of of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six.

It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The first omen. The Impeders Friday.

Get tickets now. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? What's your beef? Ladies first. Oh, okay. Me first.

My beef with you, Christopher Ramsey, is you frequently love to just remind me that there's no towel in the downstairs loo. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, because you like to remove the towel without replacing the towel. To wash it. You're removing it without replacing it. Removing the towel, half of the job without replacing the towel. To wash it.

You're removing it without replacing it. Removing the towel, half of the job is replacing the towel. No. What am I doing? Standing there drying my hands on toilet roll like I'm in a Pizza Express toilet where the fucking blower doesn't work.

Eh? In me own home. It's so annoying. Right, again. No, you'll do it like four or five times and I'm like, just get a towel. Put one back. Because I haven't done it yet.

Do you understand? When I come in, you'll do it like four or five times and I'm like, just get a towel. Put one back. Because I haven't done it yet. Do you understand? When I come in, you, right, you have taken that towel out because you think that towel, yes. You think there's a magic fairy in this house who does all the washing. No, I don't.

Because I've seen the parts of the washing. I tell you what, she's a lazy fucking bitch. If there is a magic fairy, there is a magic fairy. She wants her fucking wages cut because the washing in that back room is a nightmare.

She's very busy washing hand towels you take that towel out so you know that that towel has gone when I go in I don't walk into a bathroom and go

oh but I check there's a towel first I go and I use the toilet and I start washing my hands and I go oh fucking hell there's no towel so you know

there's no towel because I don't know there's a towel until I need the towel why do you have to tell us though I don't I ask you no you i don't know there's a towel until i need the towel i don't i ask no you don't why is there no towel in here where's this towel yeah get a towel get it yourself why i'm not the one who took it out i don't understand it's like it's like if you take the bins out if you take the bins out half of the job of taking the bins out is to put the new bin liner in the bin and not just leave it right so if you're getting rid of that towel half of the job of taking the bins out is to put the new bin liner in the bin and not just leave it

right so if you're getting rid of that towel half of that job is to put another towel back you can't just go that towel's dirty and get rid and go

oh well there's just no towel there now better better better no towel than a dirty towel it's ridiculous it's kind of what I do

you're in the wrong I disagree sort of noted but you're wrong maybe what. I disagree. Sort of. Noted, but you're wrong. Maybe what... Right, okay, what I might do is leave clean hand towels in the bathroom downstairs. Again, I've always said,

we'll go to your auntie and uncle's house. They've got a little basket load of flannels in. It's too much washing. Posh, man. Don't know how she's doing that. Love going to their toilet. I know, it is nice, but at the same time, it's horrible.

Because I think, who's washing these? Karen. Yeah, but if you just wait and wash them all in one go, loads of little flannels, but at the same time, it's horrible. Because I think, who's washing these? Yeah, but if you just wait and wash them all in one go, loads of little flannels, it's the same as one towel. Oh, no. My brain doesn't go that. No, absolutely. We'll be sharing that communal towel,

and it'll be three months, the same one. Rosie, why is there no flannels in the downstairs toilet? Get them yourself! They're in the flannel basket wait what's he beefing me because i'm slowly slowly pissed off getting more and more pissed off so my beef with you is you do you do this regularly and again i don't know if it's something i may have touched on it at some point but i'm officially putting it down as a beef right you claim to have no opinion on certain

things that I ask you no opinion at all Chris I'm not bothered to the point where you'll shout at us and you'll go I'm not bothered why are you asking us that I'm not bothered I'm not Chris Chris stop asking us that I'm not bothered just if you're going to do just do it just stop it just do it I'm not bothered why are you asking me to that point where you genuinely argue with us and then i'll go ahead and do the thing and then you will come in and throw opinions at us of why the thing shouldn't have been done or should have been done a different way yesterday when i moved the office table from one room to the other room and moved a sofa from downstairs and did a bit rejigging around and asked you three or four times should i definitely do this

should i do this right i'm not bothered i'm not bothered right i'm not around and asked you three or four times should I definitely do this? Should I do this? Right. I'm not bothered. I'm not bothered. Right. I'm not bothered. And then you came in and went, shouldn't have done this. I don't know why I've moved all these.

Right, okay. No, no. That's a terrible example. Right. I wasn't bothered if you did it or not but I'm going to tell you whether I look shit or not

and it looks shit. Wow. Wow. Why do you need me to go give you the green light? Because you're coming and give us the fucking reverse light. In everyday life you always ask me what you should green light. Because you're coming in. No, you're not. Because you then come in and give us the fucking reverse light.

In everyday life, you always ask me what you should constantly. Because you're hard. Constantly. You're hard to live with, mate. You're hard to live with. You come back and go. And I don't care. Yeah, I go, should I wear these?

Do these, what should I wear? Oh, man, I'm not bothered. What, you got them on for? Oh, no. What, you got them on for? No, it's not true. It is like. Literally need to come off here because I'm going to get annoyed.

Really? Ah, I've just hit my finger off Good Ah there's the fairies Getting your back Calmer Bitch Right

I'm just going to nip the toilet Is there a towel in the downstairs No I don't think there is yet Actually I'll put one there I'll put one there Like a martyr

Like a martyr that I am No one's going to annoy you though It's a full size towel It's not a hand towel It's a bath towel Why Because I feel like There's more surface area So it's not a hand towel it's a bath towel why? because I feel like there's more surface area

so it'll take longer for it to get dirty so you've got to you've got to start from the corners in if you're drying your hands on it can you let Robin know because he's the nightmare

he's a lord of his own with towels that kid have you noticed that when you sit on the I mean I don't know if you sit on the toilet much as much as I do I do sit down to poo

I've got to be honest with you stinks stinks yeah he pisses everywhere oh yeah yeah yeah so he's got it in his head that he likes pissing

without like with no hands oh because he doesn't want to wash his hands he doesn't want to wash his hands so he just fucking just everywhere I've seen him like a fireman's hose

in a cartoon that no one's got hold of yeah he doesn't touch his you know what at all and I've seen him and then he finishes and I go in a cart that no one's got hold of. Yeah, he doesn't touch his you-know-what at all. And I've seen him. And then he finishes and I go, can you, one, before you start, lift the seat up. I've tried to teach him.

He's not listening at all. Then I'm like, wash your hands. And he goes, I haven't touched myself. I haven't touched anything. I didn't touch it. I'm like, oh, you're not a magician, mate. You're allowed to touch it. Wash your hands, you lazy little shit.

Honestly, thinks he's the best pisser in the world. People have been pissing before you. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public. Public. Guys, as always, if you want to get in touch, it's shaggedmardenoid at gmail.com.

Rosie, over to you with this week's correspondence. Oh, correspondence. Correspondence. I like that. Hi, Rosie and Chris. In line with the shit-stained kilt stories, Fantastic. I wanted to share another bodily fluid wedding mishap.

Brilliant. I was attending a wedding last summer and my friend was wearing a full-length tight dress, so decided to not wear any underwear with it. She didn't want a VPL. A visible panty line. A visible panty line. For those who don't know what them letters mean.

Just to let everyone know as well, I've had a visible panty line for years. Okay. And I'm embracing it. You can see the full thing. You can see the line of the little crotch bit

of the fabric. You can see the outline of the knickers. I don't care anymore. You see the little sticker where you put your name in the back yeah see everything see everything just quickly speaking of all that kind of stuff can you untell robin to whenever rave's had a poo feel he's nappy for the poo oh yeah that's happening all the time yeah so your beef your beef with me the other week was that i feel he's nappy for the poo instead of sniffing because i don't stick my face right it stinks of shit because it's shit but you can't

feel when he's out of shit because you can feel it yeah so yeah robin robin now does that when i'm robbing the idea i was like can you feel the poo and he's obsessed with it he loves it loves it when rave's had a poo it's great during the meal she said she was feeling a little wet down below. Christ alive. Yeah. During the meal? Must have been a little wet. Who's saying that?

Who's enjoying that? By the way, I'm feeling fucking sodden down here. This lamb is unbelievable. There's a cheese board? Sticky toffee pudding! Oh, I hate it. sticky toffee pudding for fuck's sake that's so true why during the meal why would you tell anyone

anyway honestly women you will tell each other anything it's crazy crazy would I tell my friends yeah I would probably

I mean I would just sort it out I think but my friends yeah I would probably I mean I would just sort it out I think but I might say I wouldn't I've said this before I wouldn't go Nicholas because I know

that I'm a bit dischargey brilliant so is it during the meal dischargey so it's not a sexual thing it's not like having a semi

no right okay what juice flowing yeah yeah if she's young right then she'll be juicy. This is anatomy.

Right, you mean a young, you mean like, you know, early 20s or whatever? Yeah. Okay, Jesus. Do you see Lucy? Oh, and I've just got Lucy. And just Lucy.

This is horrible. Walking down the street. So it's not like going to your mate, yeah, Gary, I've got a Sermion. It's like just something that happens. It's just life. It's just, it's not like going to your mate, yeah, Gary, I've got a Sermion. It's like just something that happens. It's just life. It's just, it's like a bit like sweating. This is why I never understand

when women nugget, got no knickers on. I'm like, that's mangy. Hey, didn't wipe me arse this morning. You're not in a fight, well, awful. Hands up who hasn't brushed their teeth. Me. hands up who hasn't brushed their teeth me I don't know I know it's possibly deemed sexy I don't know how it's deemed sexy how in a rush are you to have sex

as well hey I'm not wearing any knickers fucking jackpot that'll save 0.3 seconds when we go for it god what am I going to use by that time I might learn a new language you're so right like it just doesn't make any sense have you seen crotchless niggers they're even worse what's the point in that utterly pointless choc fire guard anyone yeah chocolate fire god okay now oh god we are so old we are old and lame and uncool Chocolate Fire God? Huh? Fucking hell. Oh, God. We are so lame.

We are old and lame and uncool. Do you know what? If you're somewhere and your lass is turning to you and going, I've got no knickers on. Yeah, we're each to the right. You bloody enjoy yourselves, right? Imagine what would turn you on probably is me going to you and going, Chris, I've got no knickers on.

Chris is throwing away me old knickers. Come on. going Chris I've got new knickers on Chris has thrown away me old knickers come on I think I mean God I think underwear is quite sexy not yours but some you can buy

but I think underwear is sexier than no get lost I've got some nice underwear I think underwear

is sexier than no underwear yeah does that make sense yes yeah yeah it's nice

yeah but I know what you mean but so what would be the what all right then so what would be the the the alternative if she's wearing a figure hugging dress where you could blatantly see her knickers to just have a knicker shown i mean you could or you could buy like spanks or there is kind of special underwear that you can get without any sort of like lines on okay there stuff you could do. Or you could go Nicholas and ruin everyone's dinner. Well, yeah. Or, you know, sodding your chair at the nice venue. Should we crack on?

Because we haven't even heard the rest. It's horrible. Okay. So during the meal, she said she was feeling a little wet around me. Brilliant, yeah. So guessing the food. Yeah. That's me done with my soup.

Waiter, take this. You can take that away. That best man is absolutely gorgeous. So when we finished our food, we headed to the loo so she could give herself a wipe down. Phenomenal. Together. Group trip.

Yeah, yeah. Everyone. Us girls straight together. Us. Juicy loosies. You all get the round in. We're all going to dab her fanny. You all get the round in.

We're all going to dab her fanny. You, you, yeah, yeah, red wine. And she's on the rosé and she's gin and tonic. Is there any babies here? Any nabbies? And or wet wipes? Right. Oh, on checking out her backside in the mirror,

she noticed that some of her lady juice had came through on the back of her dress and had left a dry, crusty white patch. Wear a pair of kegs. At this point, the bride's auntie noticed what was going on and insisted on helping her remove the stain, not taking no for an answer. She was scratching and scrubbing away at the stain Before sniffing her fingers and saying

Eh love, you must have sat in some cheesecake As you can imagine I was completely gone at this point and had no choice but to run away, pissing myself laughing. Turns out her auntie was a bit of a dick, so that just added to my amusement. Wow.

So that begs the question, what's your favourite cheesecake? Wow. New York cheesecake, plain and simple. I'm going to go with vaginal dick cheesecake. Well, each to his own. Don't actually like cheesecake. That's hilarious.

Oh, my God. I thought you were going to say she licked her hand and did that thing where she kept licking her hand. No, you know, each to his own. Don't actually like cheesecake. That's hilarious. Oh my God. I thought you were going to say she licked her hand and did that thing where she kept licking her hand. No, thankfully not. But still scratching and scrubbing. Do you not think it's a bit

fucking invasive to go to someone else? Oh, you've got a stain on you. I'll just scratch this and sniff it and deduce what I think it is myself. I have absolutely met

so many people who would do that. Yeah. Yes. I 100% can see someone who would do it. Yes. I 100% can see someone who would do it right now. Yeah. Me?

No, not you. Just in my mind. There is people out there who would do it. Scratching someone. Genuinely, I don't know if this is a really strange thing, I think it's very rude to scratch someone else's stain and sniff your finger. I wouldn't be doing it. I haven't told you what the stain is. It's not what we're doing here. And I'm not being funny.

It's at our fanny. It's literally on our arse. It's on our arse crack. On our arse. How shit is the wedding when there's multiple people in the toilet taking a stain off someone's... Like, the ante.

Shall we, man? Your family members are getting married. Go back out and enjoy the party. Terrible, terrible wedding. Honestly. Christ. You got a photo booth? Yeah, we've got a photo booth.

Yeah, you get the yeah the sort of a tuck shop uh sweetie pick and mix table yeah yeah you get the um toilet based group vaginal discharge removal team yeah yeah we're getting them as well yeah me and he does it on the cheap mates rates hi chris and rosie my ex-boyfriend got a job as a sports coach and as a little present his dad gave him a diary to note down all his shifts and appointments, etc. That's nice. Yeah. I saw...

Is it nice? What? Why? Dunno. It's just really a bit... As a little present, his dad got him a diary. Congratulations on your new job, son. He has a diary to keep all of your information in check.

Might have been before phones. I used to love a diary. Remember Filofaxes yeah oh god dripping sorry did the most unorganized person on earth just tell me that you loved a filofax oh yeah it didn't last very long yeah no what did you use it as a fucking paperweight no but i just enjoyed it i used to love stationery yeah when i remembered to bring it to school. Oh, I forgot my file of facts. You've not got your list of stuff to remember. It's in my file of facts.

The top of the list of stuff to remember is remember file of facts. What's in my file of facts? I've just had to write a list on the kitchen bench. I'm so bad. Not use paper. What am I going to have to eat? Get a new kitchen bench. Oh, shut up.

Dad. Shut up. Dad jokes. I saw his face drop when he flicked through the diary and he said, what am I going to have to eat? Get a new kitchen bench? Oh, shut up. Dad. Dad. Shut up. Dad jokes. I saw his face drop when he flicked through the diary and he said, what the actual fuck? Ooh. I was obviously confused to what his issue was with a blank new diary.

So I walked over to look. Inside this diary was... What do you think it is? Oh. Do you want to guess? Oh, so it is a little rosy mystery. It is a little mystery. All right then.

Inside this diary was... So his dad's given him a new diary. He's opened it up. Well, so my first thought here is, is his dad got two diaries. He's been given two diaries, but he's already written one of them. And there's something stupid like

Shag the wife Tuesday afternoon written there. Wow. Yeah? Well, I don't know. Is that your guess? Yeah. Okay. Inside this diary was a naked photo of his mum.

No! Close! Vagina out the lot. Vagina out! Yeah. So hold on. So hold on now. So you're saying this might be before phones.

So we're talking now this is also before at ease home digital photography and printing. So we're talking about this vagina out photo was either a Polaroid or it's been to the shop. Been to Boots. Oh. Bearing in mind it was a recent one and she's in her 60s. I can see why he was horrified but I never knew she had a good... What?

What? I just like, I like the idea of that recent one making it even worse. Just like, oh, what the fuck? Dad, this is mum's recent vagina. That's mum's vagina within a year or so. Now? Oh.

Give us some 80s pubes, Dad. I mean, I can see why he was horrified, but I never knew she had a boob job, and they looked amazing. Right, okay. Anyways, he gives her the diary. So she had a look as well, then? She had a good look. Brilliant.

Oh, what, the actual fucking short it round review on? Yeah, yeah. He gave the diary back, photo included, and said, no thanks, Dad, I'll just use my calendar and my phone, and nothing else was said. Brilliant, so it wasn't before phones. Again, pointless fucking...

I stand correct. Sorry, I stand correct. What? Pointless fucking present. He's got a, I stand correct. What? Pointless fucking present. He's got a phone. But why? Was there a picture? Is that like some sort of weird torture?

I think his dad's just... To your kids? His dad's just... Why would you do that? Fuck your mum. I think you're good being a sports coach. Well, I fuck your mum. Ew.

There she is. There's a recent vagina to prove it. It's so... Honestly, I find it really... To the point where I don't know how old he is, but I want to ring social services. Yeah. Because that's some sort of...

You need social services, but yeah, that's... Man, he that. Yeah, I think he just wanted... For some reason, wanted to show his son a photo of his naked mom. Yeah. I don't know why he would do that. Your mom feels a bit left out, son. You haven't paid her a compliment in a while.

You know she had her tits done. You've not even mentioned it and now you're leaving home you're gonna go got your own sports coached whatever the fuck your job was at the beginning of this story

you got your own girlfriend now you're growing up look hey have a look hey look never forget where you came from there's a recent there's a recent vagina

would you get over the recent vagina it's so funny that it was just recent. If you're taking pictures of me in my 60s, with me. Stop right there. No.

No. No chance. I'm all right. You answered, oh, right, okay, because I was going to say I would hate that, but you answered really quickly, and that's upset us a little bit.

Really, yeah. Why won't you? Sums you up. Sums you up. Something you didn't want me to do, but now I've said I don't want to do it, and you're like, yeah. I'm offended. I'd take you back to me beef. Yeah. Why won't you? Stick an sums you up something you didn't want me to do but now I've said I don't want to do it and you're like yeah I'm offended

I'd take you back to me beef yeah why won't you why you're not going to take any pictures of me we're going to go

in a full circle me and you I'm telling you now okay we're vanilla is out now right I mean it's always enjoyable

it's always very lovely and nice alright don't go all Jada Pinkett Smith on us don't start fucking digging us out it's always lush

no wonder he's at awards ceremony slapping every no wonder he's at awards ceremonies slapping every cunt he's fucking miserable stop it stop it no but we no you know

how am I I haven't got time for all that bullshit but I think one day we're going to you're going to be taking pictures of me put them in the

Ben's diaries we're going to be kinkies out and I can see it happening I can I'm excited don't hold your breath I mean I might Chris me put them in the burns diaries yeah we're gonna be kink years out and i can see it happening okay i can i'm excited hold your breath i mean i might chris you'll be dead in about six minutes hi both the most recent conversations about job titles becoming um insane reminded me of my dad's first job okay he is in his 60s and told me years ago he first worked as a deep water

cleansing technician i don't know when he decided to refer back to the role as that but he was a pot wash at a pub in his teen years it's joe from bristol thank you that's very good pot washer in a pub fantastic do you know what's deep it's not deep what's he talking about deep water it's not deep it's a sink it's like a foot deep they're pretty deep my dad used to wash dishes right I used to wash dishes as well it's a fucking sink

but it's a pretty deep sink to do all the dishes and you've got that hose in there it's a big one yeah yeah that hose invaluable I know

I know could have done well then when I was washing the skillet today I wouldn't have been fucking knackered hi Rosie and Chris I was just listening to episode 161 and the Dawn's dead

slash Dawn's dad story. Yes. Wonderful. It reminded me of something hilarious that happened last year when my grandma passed away. In brackets. Not a sentence I ever thought I'd say after the death of a loved one. Yeah but you know. But. You know. Grandma lived out in Florida and at the time

Covid laws meant we weren't allowed to travel to help with her funeral. So we had to participate through pre-recorded videos and watch through Zoom. And it is, in brackets, most bizarre experience ever, seeing her open casket over video call. 0 out of 10 would not recommend. Yes. Awful. So many awful stories.

Anyway, she was Jamaican, worked in canada and island brought children up in england moved to new york for a while and then settled in florida jesus so it's safe to say there were a lot of people all over the world who wanted to celebrate her life with us over zoom oh what a life that sounds amazing many of whom we didn't know or recognize such a shame they couldn't have all been in the same place so because that would have been amazing oh there's some terrible stories of funerals over COVID. Babies getting baptised with fucking water pistols and all kinds. Not a time I'm going to look back on fondly, if I'm honest with you.

No one will. Absolutely not. No one will. As you may imagine, it was a cameras off scenario. Nobody wants the awkwardness of sobbing on a video call. However, at one point we noticed someone had turned their camera on, clearly by accident, and was walking around their house.

It was a little uncomfortable as the yellow line around his screen kept lighting up, which was a bit distracting. This isn't a work hall where you can just go about your daily business while pretending to listen, mate. This is a funeral. Anyway, we tried to ignore it.

My dad, joking, said, let's just hope he doesn't go to the toilet. Lo and behold, dad had jinxed it. Within the next minute, on the screen appeared this random man's toilet. He was about to poo live on Zoom at a funeral. So he was taking his camera around with him, his four eyes. Him, him. So he took it in the toilet with him.

Oh my God. Dad, mum, my brother and I couldn't breathe from laughing so much. I think we must have missed a good solid five minutes of people saying nice things about my grandma because we were hiding in our shirts and gasping for air. Luckily, we didn't actually see him use the toilet. As he sat down to do his grief poo, we just saw the floor and then he must have realised because he turned his camera off.

He's having a shit! His grief poo. I know my grandma would also have been cackling away like a naughty school kid at the back of the class so we felt a little less guilty not to be concentrating. Hope you enjoyed that little tale. That's brilliant. I know. Going for a live shit

at a Zoom funeral. Grief poo? Oh my word. I's brilliant. I know. Going for a live shit at a Zoom funeral. Oh my word. I wonder how he knew her. Oh God. What amount, like, at what point did he realise

he had the camera on? At what point must he have realised? Probably, it's the same, so this happened to me recently, right? Sorry.

No, not a great shit. No, no. We've all been there. So the window cleaners were here no. We've all been there. So the window cleaners were here recently. I was in the kitchen. Yeah. I don't remember what I was doing.

Picked my nose, right? Right. Picked my nose. And then I remember that they were here and I did like a, I've just picked my nose, where are they? When I had a look around. So I think he's gone to the toilet and he's gone,

shit, is my camera on? Yeah. Just like a double check thing. Yeah. And then he's realised. I don't care i'm very disrespectful to go for a shit massively so just walking around and everything it's terrific yeah you can't just yeah it's like you walk around the house pottering on while you've

got an episode of housewives or whatever on your ipad you can't do that with someone's funeral no terrible some people though love funerals don they? Some people go to anyone's funeral. Okay. They do. Keep going. I think it's an old school thing. I feel really uncomfortable going to a funeral, obviously, because it's just a bit uncomfortable.

But back in the day, like, you know, nannas and parents and that would just rock up at funerals with people because it's to show respect. Yeah. But I'm a bit like, well, I haven't seen them for years. Yeah, I know. So, yeah, just friend of a friend of a friend. We turn up,

well, it's good to give people a good turn up. No, I get that. I get that. But I think it's something that you've got to learn as you get older. Are you not thinking of in The Sopranos where Uncle Junior is on house arrest and he's only allowed out for funerals,

so he just starts going through the obituaries in the paper? That is very true. Yeah, that was quite funny. Friends of a friend of a friend just keeps going to funerals. It's his only social life. Fucking amazing. Do you want going to funerals. It's his only social life. Fucking amazing.

Do you want another ick? Always. Love these icks. Love an icks right now. Sorry, I have not stopped thinking about the picking up a ping pong ball one. I know, you've mentioned that a lot. So funny.

So funny. It's true though. All of them. Hi Rosie and Chris, please keep me anonymous. Quick one for you here. I was listening to a recent episode where you guys were discussing The peculiar things that give you the ick And thought you might enjoy hearing about my latest

Ick moment I was recently in the hairdressers and couldn't help But notice when an extremely attractive Man walked into the salon for a haircut Yeah One of the stylists proceeded to sit him Down for a shampoo so he was ready for his cut. And when he was shown back to his seat afterwards,

the stylist placed a towel around his shoulders to soak up any drips. It was at this moment when the ick was unlocked. The stylist walked off for a few moments to deal with another client, leaving him in the chair by himself with wet hair and a towel around him. I then spotted him awkwardly using the towel to wipe up the droplets of water that were running down his forehead and it made me want to actually vomit.

That's so fucking unfair! I think it was the way he scanned his eyes around the salon to see if anybody noticed him doing this. That really sealed the deal. Why is that an ink? He's got water to him. What's he supposed to to do just sit there like a fucking window in a storm i kind of get it no okay well i had indeed noticed and his good looks were now completely worthless as the sight of this man fumbling around with a soggy towel made me actually

want to chun down honestly women years are so fucking hard to please in some it's ridiculous how fast a woman can go off a blow but there is something I can't oh why is it

why so he's gone to get his little hair little wash right he's sat down he's got his little towel on he's just drying up his hair so is he supposed to sit there

is he supposed to sit there with water just pissing down his face like a fucking psychopath maybe he could have got it and like towel dried it a bit yeah rather than just dab pissing down his face? I don't know. Like a fucking psychopath. Maybe he could have got it and like towel dried it a bit. Yeah. Rather than just dabbing his forehead.

Just like, oh. I don't know. It's the fact that he just dabbed across his forehead. Have I told you? I must have mentioned how I icked all of the girls in my class in one go on the first day of school. Reminders? I think you have. Yeah.

I think I've told it on the podcast. Yeah, come on. What? So a girl in my school told me like a couple of years later who i was friends with that uh all of the girls in my form class apparently when i first went to haunt and comp all fancied us on the first day that all fancied us and i could have had i could have had how day i was a good looking man could have had that's the worst no it's just no no i was just i could have had a great time being all right okay so a bit of a school stud right who's going out with now who's going out with now hey no I turned apparently

during the class the first day of school and said to everyone I can't wait to chew some chewing gum and stick it under the desk yeah I've said this I think

and apparently all of the girls in the class immediately didn't fancy me anymore and that was the first time basically that I knew you could

turn everyone off by just being yourself yourself why were you excited about sticking it under the desk I've seen it on telly

and that oh my god do you know you could have done that anyway like you could have done it on the park bench yeah but I was in a place to do it now

it was like school wasn't it awful you were never the school stud that's like me saying I was the luscious lass in school

for a good five minutes a good five minutes I was the class stud until I opened my mouth and realised what kind of person I was and class stud until I opened my mouth and realised what kind of person I was and you were the school you were the school hottie

until that time you shat yourself and went home with it in your knickers so we've all made mistakes but then but then let's just

let's just fast forward to year 11 I won the best bum yeah in a class still I still really

it's only about six lads. I still can't believe the teachers put that competition together. Very questionable. Very questionable behaviour by the teachers in that school.

It was the lads in the class. I'm joking. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shag Married Annoyed which is part of the Acast Create Their Network.

Third time she's had to do that. I wasn't going to tell you but three times we've had to redo that because she kept fucking it up.

Unbelievable. Guys thank you so so much for listening as always. Please continue to get in touch at shagmarriedannoyed at gmail.com

especially if you had sex with me in a hotel because I think you're lying. I don't think you have. I don't think it happens.

Oh yeah we're going to find out. We'll find it out. We'll find it out next week. Hopefully we'll remember. Maybe, yes. We're not pissed, so it should be okay.

Thank you so much, guys. Bye. Bye. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series.

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