Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 165. Rude Awakening

Episode Date: April 29, 2022

On the podcast this week Chris and Rosie share their traumatic few days after both Rafe and Robin came down with a stomach bug. There are towel forts, bucket techniques and even a QFTP along the same theme. As well as this the pair share their beefs and go deep with the icks plus there's an update on the reality of hotel shenanigans. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. No, no, don't. The First Omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real.

It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. In theatres Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shag, Married and Annoyed, also known as The House of Vom.

The House of Vom. Welcome to the House of Vom. Everyone, welcome to the House of Vom. Everyone is Vom-ing. It is disgusting. Everyone is Vom-ing. So, do you want to give a bit of a backstory, maybe? At the weekend, just gone, our youngest was sick out of Norway.

Absolutely fine. No temperature. Just vomit everywhere. That was fun. You didn't do the competition. Excuse me. That was fun. I wasn't here.

That was fun. I think you'll find Rosie was gallivanting. Working. Gallivanting. Working. Gallivanting. Which you've done for years whilst I've had to deal with vomit.

Yeah. It's not a competition. So yeah, I brought him back. We'd been out for the day. We actually went to Carl Hutchinson's house and I was walking into the doorstep and I had a hold of him and he just went

but it was like fucking bloke sick it wasn't like baby sick it was like clear liquid with lumps in it and it just it hit the deck apologies if you are

eating right now you might not want to eat for a little while oh yeah or turn off whatever Robin was fuming it was all on Robin's feet

you should have seen his face he was amazed he stood with his back against the door like a horror film he didn't see it it had gone on his feet or it went on his shoes I got it cleaned off and he was just like Robin's feet. You should have seen his face. Oh, was it? He stood with his back against the door like, like a horror film. He didn't say it had gone on his feet. Or it went on his shoes. I got it cleaned off.

Right. He was just like, it's on me shoes. Fucking raging. Well. I basically carried Rafe outside and let him finish off on the driveway. It was a very sad sight. Awful. Yeah.

So that was Rafe at the weekend. And then last night. Yeah. In some sort of weird sort of. Rosie, Rosie, Rosie, Rosie. What? Just before, because I feel like you're going to step on my toes here. Okay.

We're going to get in trouble. Is it okay if I quickly do this week's sponsor before you go into your story here? Right. Who are we going to get in trouble with? I just fit with the sponsors. All right. Are you still pretending that they're actual companies?

Great. I feel like these companies are going to get in touch. You know, I don't want to give anyone... Yeah, of course. You don't want to ruin your sponsorship. Guys, guys, we'll continue this chat in a minute minute it's time for this week's lucrative lucrative sponsor it's episode 165 thank you very much for listening blah blah blah

this week's sponsor is being awoken by a child in your bed being violently sick hey think you've ever been shook awake before in your life hey you think you've ever had a rude awakening? If you haven't been woke up by a child being violently sick in between you and your partner in your double bed,

you've never been woken up in a bad way. You've found your lucky check your fucking privilege. Oh, my God. Horrible. Oh, my God. It was like something out of a horror film. It sounded like someone going down a water slide. Yeah.

You know, when they hit, maybe a slipping slide, like a... And I was just... So let's set the scene a little. So this is Robin. For some weird reason, Ralph slept all night in his own cot.

Thank God. Or he got baptised. He'd have been baptised in heaven. He's never, ever done it, right? Never done it. And Robin, we readily came in our bed at about 10 o'clock.

Which he hasn't done for ages. No, very odd. Anyway, at about 10 o'clock which he hasn't done for ages no very odd anyway at about half past two in the morning yeah Robin ended he was in the middle of us and then he ended

up on all fours just being sick it was unbelievable on the bed I can't remember waking up I just remember that's the noise

Chris the most sort of the most recent memory that I have is I was just I was just sort of standing at the side of the bed watching it happen well there was nothing you could do and then it got to the point where we that I have is I was just sort of standing at the side of the bed watching it happen.

Well, there was nothing you could do. And then it got to the point where we didn't have a bowl because he hadn't been unwell. Nothing wrong with him. We had nothing. And he just kept being sick. And I was like, just do it on the quilt. Like, what are you meant to do? Everything's in the wash now.

It's all good. And it was so much. And we've missed out the best bit. Well, we're building up the best bit. You know, when you do our job, you think, are your children going to be funny? Are they going to end up doing well?

And I don't know if he was intentionally trying to be funny. It was one of the greatest things, I think. It might be the greatest thing anyone's ever done after being sick. So just as he finished being violently sick, it was fully blown,

all of his lunch, all of his tea, everything. I will go as far to say as if he, all of his lunch, all of his tea, everything. I will go as far to say as if he was lying on his back and it would have hit the ceiling. Yeah. Once he'd finished that,

still on all fours, Robin, the first thing he said, he looked up at the sky and he just went, Riff! Like, like,

like the dad in Alvin and the Chipmunks Alvin he literally looked up and went Rafe because he knew Rafe had given him the bug because he knew Rafe had given him it and then I was like is that because you've caught it from Rafe

and he was like he's given me his sickness bug so funny oh gosh so funny and he's fine after that and he's been fine since we've kept him off school today

do you know what it is though typical of our kids isn't it yeah yeah yeah did you not enjoy your Easter holidays off school straight back yeah

straight being back one day unbelievable and he's bombing unbelievable what's sick so there we go anyway awful

horrible horrible experience awful ruined that mattress yeah knackered yeah and it went on the headboard

on the fabric oh yeah yeah yeah headboard guys look if sick is the thing that really really upsets you then this has been the worst it ruined the world for you but look you want to know about your life you're listening that's what's happened it's not all sunshine and rainbows it's not all Rosie Gallivanting

off to work while I'm left on my own Cinderella here right that's the reality you're looking forward to that later. You're looking forward to sleeping on seven towels tonight? I am looking forward to a towel fort. I did a towel fort on Saturday night. I wonder if everyone else does this. What do you mean?

Just when your child vomits, it's go and get the monkey towels that you take to the swimming pool and cover your whole bed. Is that a thing that people do? Yeah, but you obviously i assume so i mean unless unless there's another way to deal with it which is better than that in which case get in touch and tell us unless you've got 25 bedrooms and just bed hop we were very lucky because our

old house we didn't have a spare room yeah but last night we just kind of left the carnage put everything in the bath and went in the spare bed that's the thing once your kid says the feels if they're in the bed with you and they said they feel sick or they're in their own bed or whatever when they've said they've been feel sick or they've been sick you are not sleeping that night because you are just a coiled spring no you've got the ball by the side you've got them on a towel every time they move or cough or clear their throat you're just like yeah like on saturday night when rave was going to sleep after he'd been sick and i was keeping an eye on him he'd been sick twice i was keeping an eye on him and he's in he's in

the middle he's in our bed he's next to me and every time he rolled over i did like like a noise like that in the middle of the night i'm like ah and at one point i lifted him up and i had him like held over a bucket and he put his hands on the bucket and he pushed it away and he looked at us and it was his face was like a man like it was like he's so expression he just pushed away look as go, what the fuck are you doing with this bucket in my face? It's two in the morning, you tosser. And honestly, I remember actually going, sorry, son. Because he was just looking at it as if to go,

he was like, mate, I'm not going to be sick anymore. Get that bucket out of my face. No, Rafe is a proper raggie, like. He's much more raggie than Robin used to be. He's very aggressive. But then that was another thing last night. I, you know, had to check on him loads of times because he didn't

he didn't move that's the thing you want your kid to sleep in their own bed all night the one night they do you're like right well I've got to

go and check 50 times honestly it's a fucking stitch up the whole thing is a fucking stitch up I'm not good absolutely not good hey Chris

how would you sum up parenting it's a con mate it's a fucking con honestly god but we love them we do they're amazing wouldn't have it any other way hey hey hey hey play that jingle here's a jingle to fucking con. Honestly. God. But we'll love them. We'll do.

They're amazing. We wouldn't have it any other way. Hey, hey, hey, hey. Play that jingle. Here's a jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on a jingle.

Jingle. So this is the jingle. Jingle. Jingle. We hope you like the jingle. Jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. Jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle, jingle this is the original that birthed everything else so yeah welcome back we're going to try not to talk about bodily fluids until the letters

well unfortunately there is quite a lot of vomit ones but I might not do them because we have been quite vomit heavy the vom special just a bit much

but yeah we did big news we did the second pilot for the TV series last week very good fun huge thanks to everyone

who came to the show particularly we've watched it back a few times obviously sort of making notes and seeing what we're going to change for the series last week. Very good fun. Huge thanks to everyone who came to the show. Particularly, we've watched it back a few times obviously sort of making notes and seeing what we're going to change for the series which does start next month

on BBC Two. The audience members who submitted beefs and came and did their beefs on the night. Unbelievable. And the people thought it goes or I go

the game where we get rid of something that your loved one is attached to that you hate. So much fun. Rosie. We're just mint fun. I just meant. Absolutely phenomenal. You are all incredible.

I mean, first of all, the audience in the studio was amazing. What's so exciting is that we've got the same studio that Graham Norton does. Yes. And we've got the same studio that Saturday Night Takeaway does.

Yes. And it is a lot of people. It was full and it's full for the whole series and it's going to be incredible. Yeah. If you're coming, we're so looking forward to having you

if that pilot's anything to go by oh my god you've proved the TV production and every every kind of production world wrong every single time

because we can rely on you for so many things and the people who came with the beefs they're incredible audiences right in my experience

in a TV studio when the camera's on them or in a live gig they clam up yeah they go a bit shit not these fuckers not you lot Not you lot. Not you lot.

Honestly, I thought it was going to come to blows with some of them. And that was just the pilot. Imagine the show. Oh, it's going to be amazing. So excited. We can't wait, guys. So yeah, more details of that, including when it's going to be on, what time and everything, that's coming out shortly.

Yeah, watch this space. Very, very exciting stuff. And if you're coming down, we can't wait to see you. Yeah. It's going to be a right laugh. You know what? It's a hell of a night out. We just hope he's enjoying it.

It's that thing. But like, you know, you know. we need to drink less wine what why we need to drink less wine because genuinely by the end when we had to redo them advert things at the end with the whole crowd there drunk i was a bit pissed chris that's how we live our life we did the two hour off good yeah this is going on this is going on the eye player and everything forever listen i let's not let's not change right i'm not no i'm not being funny i don't want to don't want to sound like a dick here no i don't know no i don't want tv will change me i've been doing stuff on the tv this week and it's weird right it's very weird

little world yeah day and a half i like it i feel very odd no because i feel like i'm putting my posh voice on and i feel very strange never put your posh No, because I feel like I'm putting my posh voice on, and I feel very strange. Never put your posh voice on. No, this is what I'm... But it does, Chris. Come on. Listen, if the BBC don't have to put subtitles when we speak, we've failed.

Right, okay. We've failed, right? There's enough people in the country listening to this that can understand exactly what we're saying, apart from, you're still out there, you fucking idiots who leave it on one and a half speed on this podcast, and then your tweeters tell us,

I don't want to... Stop it. No, you're right. Listen, let's shake now. Hands. I just want to stop it no you're right let's listen let's shake now hands I just want to be us we're 35 year old we've done alright so far

being ourselves I want to carry on being ourselves I don't want to bloody I don't want to actually be pising my cues I'll try not to say the F word as much

because I have promised that I won't because it's you know you can't be F'ing well I think it's going to be on at like 9 o'clock maybe swear in the last quarter of an hour

just a couple of cunts and that'll be fine there's a couple of cunts and that'll be fine there's a couple of cunts hosting it save it Chris save it save it Chris brilliant

brilliant talking about I haven't told you this obviously because I did something for the TV the other day on my own are you allowed to say

what it was no I don't know I didn't what I wanted to tell you though was when you come off you go to get your mic taken off

I was talking to Lee my manager for a little while so I was last getting my microphone off and loads of the audience came through they were all getting pictures

with people right and then kind of the last dribs and drabs and there was a lady with what I presume to be a mam or auntie or someone a bit older than her

and it was it was very strange so this lady kind of grabbed me and went will you get a picture oh it was a mom because she said i'm mom she's like will you get a picture taken with me mom and i was like yeah of course i'm mom i swear to god absolutely no idea who i was absolutely no idea at all she literally looked at his look that look that i don't i went oh oh okay and i was like why are you you you might know who i. And I was like, why are you...

You might know who I am, but your mama's no... Why are you asking me to get a picture taken with your mom when she has no idea who I am? Get used to it. But I think it was just as a, we've had a picture taken with all of them. Right. No idea who they are.

Last one, yeah. This is the last one. Rosie, I was in a park the other day and someone made us get a photo with their dog. Shut up. She went, I'm sorry. It was lovely. She went, I'm sorry to be rude.

Can I have a photo? I went, you're not being rude. She can you can i have a photo with my dog because my mom loves you brilliant i thought that doesn't make any sense but i mean i was buzzing i got a stroke the dog it was a gorgeous what kind of dog it was like a french bulldog kind of thing nice i was buzzing um i'd already been looking at the dog you know i look at dogs all the time that sounds really weird do you know what i mean i just i like it i quite like it when a dog's like knackered i don't know why. He came in, he was like, I could hear it.

I was like, yeah, look at you. He was just like, I don't know. He's just a bit of a character. And then I forgot to tell you this as well. I was in Asda the other day and a lady came behind us. The lady was probably our parents' age and she had her mother in a wheelchair.

She was pushing her mother in a wheelchair. One of these people who's lucky enough to have their parents in there. Because my grandparents died quite early. But your mom's the same. She's got a wheelchair. She was pushing her mother in a wheelchair. One of these people who's lucky enough to have their parents in there. You know, because my grandparents died quite early. But, you know, your mum's the same.

She's got a mum, which is cool. So she's pushing this old lady and she went, Chris, like the woman pushing the wheelchair. She went, Chris.

I went, yeah, yeah. She went, me mum doesn't know who you are. Great. I went, all right. She went, yeah, sorry to tell you.

I thought, well, you're not fucking sorry to tell us. You just shouted it at us like you're you're 20 you could have fucking kept that to yourself love

why didn't you tell me about this you've just reminded us eh yeah Chris my mum doesn't know who you are all right cool

anything else any other positive things you've got to tell us to do I mean I don't care who knows who I am but don't fucking shout were you shouting at us you should start dating with the boys.

Yeah, excuse me. Oh, my son doesn't know who you are. It's unbelievable, man. That's great. But yeah, most people are amazing. But yeah, you will get it. At least she wasn't rude when she got the facade.

No, she wasn't rude at all, but I absolutely saw through the facade of the, oh, okay. She didn't want to pitch a tape with me. She didn't know who I was. Yeah. You know, it's very embarrassing.

Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. I've had an observation. Okayadoo back i've had an observation okay recently you've had an observation or you've made an observation is it made i've made an observation yes well i think so can you not have an observation not really um because of you know we all know how you structure sentences and put things together in this podcast you're saying is it made an observation? I'm saying, yes, that's a sentence. But we're all listening now thinking

it depends what you're trying to say, because you could be seeing something completely different. Okay, well, we'll see. Alright, and then you can correct us correctly. You've made an observation. Okay. I was watching a film the other night. Yeah. Sorry, I watched it without you. I thought you'd seen it. Oh, fuming about this, by the way. Okay, it was sci-fi-ish. We really like sci-fi. We love sci-fi. What's it called? Tomorrow's War, I think it's on I thought you'd seen it oh fuming about this by the way right okay sci-fi-ish

we really like sci-fi we love sci-fi what's it called Tomorrow's War I think it's on Prime yeah it's Chris Pratt yeah it was good I liked it

I've wanted to see it for a while and I've put it off because we're we're weirdly going through a stage of watching getting to watch films

again now yeah now and then sorry having a few little nights I was in the hotel or is this when you're a gallivant in your hotel

laughing your head off you can absolutely on the waltzers I'm sorry ma'am you can fuck off you can I have for how long we've been together nine ten year you've worked your way for all of that yeah so you can absolutely swivel i have one weekend of work right actual work we all we all saw your instagram we all saw your instagram you are out on a fucking veranda looking out you're taking photos and mirrors going to like this mirror honestly honestly i enjoyed myself while i was there work shy you might as well be

on a fucking hen stop it i'm joking stop it anyway i watched the film right okay and um to be nice i was i was can i get to meet observation while you were watching that film if it is that when you were watching that film i was in a towel fort with our children good for you there was towels everywhere it was being in plenty of them honestly it was like being towel fort with our children good for you there was towels everywhere I've been in plenty of them honestly it was like being in John Lewis or somewhere else that sells towels

I couldn't think of I'm sorry I wouldn't be using any of me John Lewis towels on the I may have poon army poon army

like you know when people poo like when kids have sickness and diarrhoea a poon army have you never been there for the poon armies no no

they didn't do any shit and thank god anyway carry on so the observation, right? I'm ready. In these films that we watch, Marvel, all of the kind of stuff, right? Yeah, yeah. They've got earpieces in where they can talk to each other, right?

We watched James Bond the other night. They've got the same. What are they talking into? What are they talking into? You know, back in the day, they used to talk in the cuff. Yes. And they'd be like, that's the microphone. You go, right, that's the microphone.

That's how they're talking to each other. They've just missed out a whole thing of technology. And they're just talking into the ear. And they can all hear each other in earpieces. And honestly, I want to go, excuse me. You've never actually distinguished where the microphone is. And I don't like it. Where's the microphone?

It's in the earpiece. It's in't like it. Where's the microphone? It's in the earpiece. Yeah, where's your microphone on your earpods? Yeah, but the earpiece is right in. But it's obviously a more expensive version of it. But they've never explained it. I don't like it.

But it's a more expensive version of your earpods. Right, so they can just cheat bloody life. The military use, like special forces and stuff, use microphones that are stuck, literally sell it like stuck with a sticky thing

onto their neck so that it doesn't ruffle with anything well alright I've been well it was just an observation that I made

it was a terrible observation I know but it pisses me off because in these films all of a sudden they're just talking and going where's what's your location and I'm like

where is there what's happening here I do know what you mean do you know what I do know what you mean. Do you know what, I feel like they've taken, someone's done it and everyone else has gone. Took a bit of artistic license.

And everyone's going to go, we're going to do that. And then they've missed big chunks of a film. However, if you took a microphone and literally jammed it into your ear,

a microphone small enough to go in your ear, the vibrations of your voice through your skull, you probably would be able to hear exactly what I was saying. Fair enough. They've just never explained it

look I'm glad your full weekend away gallivanting brought the fruits of that observation that I was happy to shit all over so there you go

couldn't sleep couldn't sleep kept us up rolling thinking about this oh god how is it picking up his voice

my thing is they'll be like they'll do loads of stuff they watched James Bond the other day amazing the new James Bond I have really enjoyed it we see it

way so late at watching films it's not new that's the new James Bond they're literally probably recasting the next Bond now when we're like the new one's great yeah

they'll do loads of stuff and then you just randomly start talking and it's like are you there yes Bond I'm here are you there and it's like you could hear him the whole time

he hasn't got an on off button you could hear everything I know it pisses me off Chris I just find I feel like it's just missing a little him the whole time he hasn't got an on off button you could hear everything I know it pisses me off Chris I just find I feel like it's just missing a little bit of

something anyway never seen James Bond have a shit or a piss either never seen him meet Chris I've never

seen him meet I've not when in Casino Royale he orders a bottle of Bollinger and some caviar out of the room

that pisses me off sometimes in the films we watch when they're saving the world and doing all this stuff I'm like they are running on empty

yeah do you know what I mean they haven't slept for four days no the Jack Reacher books I read the Jack Reacher books never has a piss nah

he never in one of them he's drinking five litres of water a day when he's digging pools in Florida five litres of water a day never has a piss

never has a piss see it's just unrealistic this is the stuff I think about when I watch a film though yeah I'm most ridiculous he needs a piss

well just I bet she's starving do you know whatever I think of you know how when I watch a film though yeah I'm most ridiculous he needs a piss well just I bet she's starving do you know whatever I think of you know how when we watch like Outlander and stuff and you think oh if that was a real sex scene

in the sort of 1800s that stink yeah what I think whenever I watch two actors kissing on set I always think you both stink of coffee

because I know you've just cut and you've went and stood and you've stood in your little dressing gown and you've had a couple of coffees and you've chatted

if you're going to have a scene kissing you'd probably brush your teeth or floss or something maybe not you never know oh god you never know tell you what

I don't know if I've ever told you this the one time I saw someone with a microphone in their cuff yes have I told you how excited this was I used to love that when they used to do that and talk to the microphone

in the cuff yeah so the one on the earpiece the pressed earpiece and the talking on the cuff. Yeah. Raja raja. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

I was doing the warm-up for the Graham Norton show years ago and Tom Hanks was there. And Tom Hanks walked up the corridor and at one end of the corridor was a security guy with a cuff, talking to the cuff. Brilliant. And I stood next to him and I went, there's a microphone in your cuff. And he went, yeah. And I looked down the corridor and I saw his mate talking to his cuff. I went, are you talking to him?

He went, yeah. I went, all right. his cuff I went are you talking to him he went yeah I went alright and then I went I'll go away now and then he went right watch out for this fucking nuthead

apparently he works here but not for long hopefully if we get away babadoo babadoo babadoo it's time for what's your beef what's your beef beef beef beef

what's your broody beef beef right now I normally say gentlemen first, ladies first. I'm sorry, I'm going to have to veto it. I'm going to have to go straight in here. You did something last week. You're so brave.

So brave. What do you mean? Brave little boy. Oh, yeah, I've told you I'm a brave little boy. I've said it time and time again, I'm a brave little boy. You did something last week that made me, I wrote it down immediately on my phone, not telling you or anyone else

like your mum or anyone or bringing it up when we're with the team what it was has nearly killed us right I'm trying no hang on

I'm trying to think no you'll not know so you might think it's one thing but it's not it's something else you don't know that I heard this

we were in London doing the pilot we were staying in a lovely hotel we went to the lovely hotel's restaurant yes one day for breakfast no while we were prepping yeah for lunch while we were prepping on the day beforehand we walked all the way around the back and sitting at the back of the restaurant

was a comedian lee mack and holly willoughby yes and i was like i looked and i was like oh this and he was like oh hi chris and we went over and we had a chat. Absolutely lovely people. It's still that weird thing in it where we're kind of like inhabiting this celebrity world now where we know these people and we work with them. And it's like the other morning, we were watching Frasier on Channel 4 and then a Taskmaster advert came on.

And I will never not hear me name and go, who? Like a dog who's just been told to go to the vet. Chris, I was making the Burns tea last night and we came on CBeebies. Yeah, bedtime stories, yeah. It's honestly like guys it's it's weird it is always weird we're just working class people from the northeast it's very strange what have i done what have i said so we what and this proves that because i like awake thinking about this proves that we're working class people from the northeast because we are we walk over you've met holly a couple of times

yeah you know i've obviously worked with holly a lot and I know Lee and we started chatting and I gravitated towards Lee and we started talking about comedy and Taskmaster because he's done Taskmaster and you and Holly are talking about whatever you're talking about you must have been talking to Holly Willoughby TV's dare I say it, national treasure Holly Willoughby

you must have been talking to her for less than 30 seconds and I distinctly heard you go, yeah, yeah, well, I want him to get the snip. Fucking couldn't believe, I couldn't believe, Holly Willoughby, yeah, yeah, I want him to get the snip. How, how did you cover enough ground in talking to Holly Willoughby for 30 seconds that you managed to squeeze in that you are you just telling everyone are you handing flyers out what is wrong with you what i don't

know what i don't know because i'm gonna lie you know i've told you that every conversation i have with anyone in the public eye i will not sleep for three nights thinking what the hell did i say to that person lie awake going how do they talk into their earpiece what was i talking i think we're just talking about kids yeah and she might have said are you having any more and i said absolutely fucking not yeah well that's absolutely fine right well sorry but you know what am i meant to say it's just so quick it was just so quick it's just so quick how we got in it's just so quick it's like a vendetta it's like you're telling everyone she's lovely yes she's great I absolutely love her she's brilliant

I half imagined the way it had to come over and be like and they're starters yeah yes no starters please can I just get the club sandwich I'll have a Diet Coke please

and I want him to get the snack sorry what how have you kept that to yourself fuck I nearly exploded I literally Lee Mack must have thought I was rude because I just turned

and looked at you and I turned I was like sorry mate what did you say he must have thought I was rude because I just turned and looked at you and I turned and I was like sorry mate what did you say he must have thought he can't have a conversation this guy

but yeah I'm not even sorry I don't know I think I was just talking about you know we've decided we're going to end our journey with children

unbelievable and I'd like you to get the snip and you know I can't remember I can't remember I was very hungry I do remember

I do remember being very hungry and thinking I'm gonna it was that kind of hunger where you're like I'm gonna collapse Hi Holly yeah look yeah

yeah Rosie remember me yeah love it to see you listen here's the headlines we're doing a show why don't we get the snip I'm off to go and get some food I'm fucking starving fucking starving love

nice to see you good luck with everything where's your top promise very nice she's gorgeous she's beautiful in real life as well lovely

sorry I don't even want to but I'm just telling a fellow person that I want my husband to get the snip it was just surreal it was just a surreal moment

that you just hoarded straight in anyway come on what's your beef right okay well my beef I mean my beef

apart from that I haven't got the snip my beef with you this week what yeah get the snip hurry up honestly it's ridiculous

it's not like it's not like putting a haircut I can't just pop in I need this the w wanking things put us off i can't have you monitoring me wanks every day it's gonna be horrible i don't want to monitor you will be you'll be like have you had your wanks have you had your allotted wanks to get rid of all of it it's like 23 or something isn't it absolutely horrible 23 wanks to get rid of all of the fucking the the stockpile i'm not i'm not having that monitored one day you'll see is i'll be a

bit tender i'll probably not go on the on the exercise bike or the treadmill or whatever and you'll be like oh you're being lazy and then 23 days later i'll go by the way obviously not gonna tell us when you probably get it i cannot i cannot guys if you've never heard this we talked about on the previous episode you've basically if you get the snip you've then got to basically wank every day for a month you gotta wank yourself clean to wank all your stock reserves out. And I don't want that kind of pressure. I don't want that kind of pressure. I'm not going to ask you.

You will. You'll make it really awkward. I know what you like. I know what you like. Do you know what I like too? We'll bump into Fern Cotton and she'll be like, he's only on 22 wanks. He's gone.

I'm not going to tell anybody else. Right. I can't promise it. Next time we'll do Prince's Trust. Hello, Your Highness. Hello, Your Highness. He's on 22 wanks. He's only got a couple left.

Sorry, what? Rosie, yeah, Northy. Yeah, I do podcasts. Jolly good. Jolly good. How many wanks? So, my beef with you this week, Christopher. I don't i don't know how you did i mean what all i did was talk about the snip right my beef with you this week christopher ramsey is that i went away

to work yeah and you made it out like i was going on a hen weekend and not seeing my children yeah i was working yeah you said this phrase to me i don't know if you remember this okay just want to just want to let if anyone's new at the podcast right we have a six-year-old son this and a one-year-old so this first son of ours has been living with us for six years six and a half years okay right you said to me right whilst in a panic about something you said to me Rosie, Rosie you don't understand this is all new to me right

no, no this is all new to me so you were left with the kids which you very rarely are probably never actually you were left with them kids, which you very rarely are. Probably never, actually. Hardly ever. You were left with them. Which is why it's new.

No, I'm sorry. You've just proved your point. Which is why it's new to me. No, but it shouldn't be. You're a disgrace. You're actually a disgrace. Yes. Honestly, six and a half years.

You have had a child in your life for six and a half years, and you dared to utter the words to me, Rosie, you don't... This was it. Rosie, you don't, this was it, Rosie, you don't understand, this is all new to me, I could have,

I could have, I'm not even going to say it, right, okay, I could have really hurt you, right, listen, to be honest with you,

listen, listen, didn't I apologise, I was panicking, over text, which was a bit shit, but whatever, you wouldn't pick up the phone,

at the time, I was, you were in the big, you were in the big bath at your posh hotel you ruined me night you ruined me night right and I've said I'm sorry

right I work away a lot right and you've been at home yeah and the switch you know yourself now the gear change

when you come back is different and we were away all last week doing the TV show and the gear change is different and I catastrophized and I panicked and I was like

oh my god I've got the kids on me and literally halfway through the night of having them i was like i've been a total prick here it was really unfair i've panicked and i know about that and and there was towels everywhere they were one of them was thrown up and it still wasn't an issue yeah and i apologized right and i'm sorry and next time you want to go gallivanting you can go gallivanting as much as you want you can go gallivanting as much as you want because i've got it sorted in fact honestly there honestly, there's going to be

a few changes around here. I haven't really liked the way you've sort of parented since you got back. Oh, I'm sorry. Oh, I'm sorry, but this was another beef. Since I've been back,

Chris has been questioning and questioning everything. Just as the main... What's he having? What are you feeding him? As the main parent, as the main parent now, which I am,

I just like to be across stuff. Chris, if you want to, honestly, if you want to take the reins... I was joking, I was joking. I was joking. Please don't to honestly if you want to take the reins I was joking I was joking please don't please don't I was joking

don't take maxis don't take maxis had my fingers crossed look I know we're all right now just to let you all know obviously we are a real married couple

we had a genuinely massive argument I was really upset when you this is all new to me Chris I could have throttled you but you did apologise and was made up and it's fine.

But I was seething. Right. So there we go. Stop telling famous people you want us to get the snip. It's embarrassing. I'll tell them all. Pack it in. They all know now, doesn't they?

Babadoo babadoo babadoo bah. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder, April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca.

Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health, to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for?

Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start toca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things.

Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother. Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six.

It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. It's not real. movie of the year the first omen in theaters friday get tickets now it's time for questions from the public guys as always if you want to get in touch

it is shaggedmoudanoid at gmail.com please continue to send us your stories and everything. All of that stuff. We just love it. Thank you so much. I hate it when you say guys. Why? Dunno.

People? Peeps? Dudes? Dudettes? Guys. Guys. 165 episodes in and you hate seeing guys. I've said it before.

I've said it before. Brilliant. It's an ick. I think it's me ick. Really? I've got loads of icks, by the way. Oh, we're married, you're supposed to. Now, listen.

Do we have an update on the maid situation? Oh my gosh. Right. Yes, we do. Good. do good we do good you put the question out there yeah and our audience have not let us down as always um okay so i've got a few i've got three here but i'll just read if you're not aware sorry just a little update here i um last week i announced that i am absolutely unconvinced that anyone has ever had sex with a maid in a hotel. The way porn makes us believe just happens willy-nilly. And I asked you all, and Rosie, what are the results? They do. Nah.

They do. I can't have it. A couple of instances, is that right? Or examples, what is it? Both perfect. Thank you. See, look, look at me. Sign me off with another book, guys.

Sign me off? I just said guys guys oh oh god i'm such a hypocrite i hate myself right never before has someone proved themselves wrong so quickly in the history of the world this is why nothing i say can be trusted none of my opinions matter it's you know i changed like my bloody like bloody hot water bottle. What? Dinner. I'm like a hot water bottle. What do you mean? Dinner. Hi, Chris and Rosie.

My friend once worked at a restaurant in a hotel when a local lad she knew came in. Her morning shift was ending, so she went to chat to him when he invited her back to his room. They spent the rest of the day and night drinking, doing coke and having sex. Jesus Christ. That fucking escalated quickly. Naively, when I first read this, I was like

oh, drinking Coca-Cola but no, it's actually the drug. They're doing the drug. Horrible. The next morning, they had overslept and my friend's colleagues were knocking on the door to get him out. Jesus. Her colleagues didn't know she was in there

and she still had her hotel uniform on. But she wasn't due to work again until that evening so she couldn't casually leave the room. Oh, no. They devised a plan that he would go to check out and she would sneak out and wait by his car for a lift home. Oh, God. Instead of checking out straight away,

the lad went for his unlimited breakfast buffet. You fucking greedy wanker! Leaving my friend in her uniform with a hangover, crouched and hiding behind his car in the hotel car park for over half an hour. Wow, a drug hangover as well. That's the fear. That would be the fear,'s the fear that would be

the fear i imagine that would be horrendous oh wow never had one chris good drugs are for mugs another one here guys oh guys they've started re-sex with maids many years ago i worked with a girl who got divorced because she caught her husband having sex with the hotel maid on their honeymoon oh no no see that's the one that first one they kind of knew each other it wasn't a very good example

it was just funny the hotel breakfast was phenomenal I mean priorities man but that having sex with the hotel maid I've got another one here

as well on their honeymoon minging man absolutely minging wow chop it off chop it off hi Chris and Rosie

long time listener first time emailer I've always wanted to email but never thought Wow, okay. Chop it off. Hi, Chris and Rosie. Long-time listener, first-time emailer. I've always wanted to email, but never thought I'd have a story worthy of the podcast until you requested information about sex with a maid in last week's episode. And I realised it's my time to shine. Wow. About six or seven years ago, I got my first proper job as a beauty therapist in a very fancy five-star hotel. Nice. I was obviously based in the spa and leisure suite, I got my first proper job as a beauty therapist in a very fancy five-star hotel.

I was obviously based in the spa and leisure suite, but we all mingle at lunch and at staff meetings. Well, during my first week there, there was a lot of paperwork to sign. Contracts, health and safety, that sort of thing. To my surprise, whilst in the middle of this reading over this paperwork was a small, bold heading saying, Prostitution policy. Sorry? To cut a long story short, it basically said that I was not to sleep with any of the guests for money and any other personal gain. Well, me being the curious type, I casually pulled one of the cleaners up

on this during lunch and mentioned how I thought this was very funny. I scoffed. Who would do a thing like that? Well, that's when she looked up at me and said, well, we didn't always have to Wow. That was until one particular gentleman enjoyed it a little too much and would stop by every week. This, unfortunately, got too much for the cleaner and eventually had the management involved creating the prostitution policy.

Wow. Yeah, so there you go. Wow. Wow, signing that, that's a scary thing to sign on your form. On your first day. Thou must not have sex for money at work. Wow.

And then, so this businessman, it happened so often. He kept coming back again and again. She'd be like, yeah, mate, I'm not here. I'm here to clean your room. Once or twice, it was fine. Paid off a couple of bills. Got rid of your credit card debt. And the point was that, yeah,

so she just thinks you do it and they're gone. So it's probably exciting for the cleaner because you do it and they're gone. And he gets a season pass. Just kept coming back. Points card. Loyalty points. Oh, so she literally had to get management involved

and go, this guy keeps coming. You need to ban him. Why? I can't tell you why I shagged him once and he thinks it's on tap

he thinks it's on tap wow well okay I stand corrected so it does happen I stand corrected I knew it would I didn't know money

was involved though so there we go babadoo babadoo babadoo do you want to hear a couple of ics because people have said I've actually

made a new folder for ics. Ics are one of my favourite things now. Jingle pending. Just letting you all know. Okay. I haven't had time to come up with a new one, but I will. Something like, ics upside your head. I said, ics upside your head.

Already great. I was just on the top of your head. That was just on the top of your head. Ics upside your head. Fantastic. Okay. We could sit on the floor. Ics upside your head.

I said, ics upside your head. What's your ic, man? I up side your head i said ix up side your head what's your ick man ix up side your head okay i'm already on board with that good evening ramses my biggest ick ever is when the final two game show contestants clap each other best of luck and give each other that weird grimace smile you know the one i mean good luck good luck you know the one don't you it is minging like i do it know the one, don't you? It is minging. I do it a few times on Taskmaster, you can see, is when I congratulate someone for doing well, but you can tell inside I'm dying

because I didn't find as many ducks as them or some shit. Yeah, very good. What you will all find out on Taskmaster is that Chris is not a very gracious loser, so he's going to be pretending to be. I have never seen you on a tv program concentrating as much as you are concentrating on there yeah you can see your little brain just kind of going a bit yeah a bit weird because also it's stuff that i feel like i should be really good at yeah even

though it's pointless it's very good i'm enjoying it incredibly clever show yeah there's a bloke who sent an ick in okay it's always interesting because again I don't know if I don't want to be sort of is it sexist or is it just tarring all men with one but you know the brush of like the nuts mag generation of like well you know I'm a bloke so as long as it's a fit lass I'm not bothered what happens I can never be do you know what I mean

there's that thing where you think I love hearing blokes icks because I like to hear that blokes are as picky as what we imagine women are as well. So this is a bloke having an ick about a bloke. Oh, even better.

So, right, I'll just read it to you. Right. It says here. Right. So I'm as straight as they come. Been with the missus a fair while.

Currently living in a working hostel in Australia. I know you love them. Sounds horrendous. Sounds awful. But each to their own. Awful.

You and your missus. What are you doing? Oh, I've got no time to dig these people out come on what's your name currently living in a working it might be nice some of them are all right aren't they some of them are they've done no some of them have done them out nice i won't believe it right i won't believe it and he said but right i understand icks right at first i was like chris it seems so pathetic, but recently I watched my mate who works behind a bar shake a cocktail. Fantastic. I got second

hand ick-barrisment. I could feel any moisture in the room being sucked up by the present female. A bloke shaking a cocktail. Face put at the end. Pathetic ick. That's fantastic. sucked up by the present female. Ick! A bloke shaking a cocktail. Ick! Paris! They put at the end, pathetic. Ick!

That's fantastic. And he said that. Fantastic. Fantastic. That's Joe from Leeds. And if you read this, say you're right to aims from Burnley for me.

So there you go. There you go. Never do shout outs, but you can have that. Sorry about that. I, yeah. So when I worked in Ibiza, did I ever tell you that?

I mean, you must have this because you worked in Rhodes you know the blokes behind the bars who do the flaring where they throw the bottles up there and they catch it on the back of their hand

and they do that ridiculous fucking over the top show off did you used to see them practising it on the beach during the day so I didn't see them practise it on the beach

in Rhodes you know where I did see them practise it where which was horrendous where my ex-boyfriend went to uni in Leeds so I went to uni in Leeds,

so I used to be in Leeds every weekend. It might still be there, I don't know. He worked in the restaurant called Trio, I think it was called, where there's three floors. It's in Headingley. Right. It's called Headingley. It is, isn't it?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Headingley. There's a green, there's a bit of grass outside of there. They used to practice the flaring on there. Absolutely. And I used to walk the flaring on there. Absolutely. And I used to walk past me with my full-time job, absolutely never been a student in my life, going, what are they doing?

Why have they got empty? Because this was before cocktails. This was like, oh my gosh, this was... Before cocktails? What are you talking about? Not before cocktails, but cocktails now are huge. And they're very normal. Back in the day...

So you mean huge as in they're widespread and popular? They're widespread and popular. Not there's more in them. No, I just mean back in the day... I know exactly what you mean. Headingly, what year was it? God, I was 19, so... Yeah, yeah.

Oh God, don't do the maths, I'll cry. Anyway, it's terrible. But there weren't as... So I was like, what is this bloke? Why is he throwing a metal can and a bottle in the air what's he doing

without his top on usually hot summer's day without his top on and there was a few of them doing it and I just remember thinking they used to practice it

on the beach in Ibiza and I wanted to be sick yeah and just like throwing it around the back catching the back of the hand and pretending to pour so they'd have the cup

yeah so they'd have the cup and they'd have the bottle and they'd touch it and they back catching the back of the hand and flicking it pretending to pour so they'd have the cup yeah so they'd have the cup and they'd have the bottle and they'd touch it like and they'd put the bottle right up in the air and they'd flick it round like that and you'd go oh mate

no one's fucking impressed everyone's just standing there going can you make my drink you massive tosser who's getting turned on by that how much that shows me how little blokes

know about women oh yeah oh do that flaring yeah so she ordered a cocktail horrible throwing it round she thought he's class no she thought fucking stop fannying on and went and dropped them Shows me how little blokes know about women. I do that flaring, yeah. So she ordered a cocktail, she was throwing it around, she thought, he's class. No, she thought, fucking stop fannying on.

And when they drop them, when someone flaring dropped them in a beach there, oh, it was one of the best things ever. Oh, God. Flaring, the worst. It is probably. If you're out there, you're really good at flaring,

you've wasted your life. Wow. And I'm telling you that as a friend i'm just jealous you enjoy yourselves lads hi rosie and chris hope you and the boys are well we are thank you vomiting aloe in the sleeper whatever no respect this story will be a surefire way to upset Chris. And you could also use it as a Rosie's Mysteries, Mysteries, Mysteries. Okay, okay. If you like.

A few years ago, well before COVID. Good times. I was in town one day and I had loads of free time between shopping. I decided to go down to the walk-in beauty shop where they do nails, hair, beauty treatment, etc. I didn't need to book an appointment. where they do nails, hair, beauty treatments, etc. I didn't need to book an appointment. So I walked in and asked if there was anyone free to do a neck, back and shoulder massage.

They're my favourite. They said yes, of course, and they went and got the room ready while I waited. The girl that showed me to the room seemed very lovely and she went through everything that I needed to do. Strip down to pants, hand clothes on, lie face down on the bed and cover myself with a towel, the usual stuff that you've needed to do. Stripped down to pants, hand clothes on, hook live face down on the bed and cover myself with a towel. The usual stuff that you've got to do.

She came back in when I was ready and started the massage. She turned the heater on, turned the relaxing music up louder and got the oil ready. Can I just say? What? One of my favourite sounds in the world

is them getting the oil out with a little dispenser while you're waiting to have a massage. Really? The slippy, slippy, slippy. the oil out with a little dispenser while you're waiting to have a massage really they get out with a little click I'll get out they take a little lid off that's nice just like just hear them just making potions favorite sounds in the world I like it well we are one for a posh one recently and you know you're just when you're a gallivant no okay so ages ago when you're lying with your head down. Yeah. And it was a bit weird. It was weird actually, but I enjoyed it.

I thought it was quite cool. She'd picked all the potions and that, and then she put it underneath my face. She went, is that all right? Yeah, and you smell it. You smell it and you go. It's cool, isn't it? You go, yeah, that's nice actually.

Thank you very much. I don't know who's picky enough to go, no, change it. Change that one. Horrible. So, she got the heater on, turned the music up, and she's got the oil ready. Okay okay she rubbed the oil into her hands and started rubbing it up and down my back she did this a

couple of times i sometimes felt the oil dripping onto my back from her hands as she was rubbing it in no issues here okay after about five minutes she was starting to build up the pressure in my back using both hands sometimes her whole arms or elbows oh yeah that's i find it sometimes the best the best massage you can get right is when you're literally lying there going i don't know what part of their body they're doing here where it all just becomes a blur do you know what i mean you're like are they fucking elbow dropping me is it their shoulder their knee their chin you're just enjoying it yeah it was during this time that i felt something else on my back. Drip.

Drip. Drip. At first I thought that must be more oil she was putting onto my back. But no. She had both hands on my back. Drip. Drip. Drip. So what the hell was dripping onto my back? Then I heard it. She started

sniffing. like she had a blocked nose. Her snotty, blocked up nose was dripping onto my back. That is grotesque. I panicked slightly and thought surely she'll wipe it off and blow her nose or something.

But no, she continued with the massage, rubbing in her snot all over my back as if nothing was happening that's rotten i would just if you did rosie's mysteries i would have guessed that by the would you yeah i knew you would that's why i didn't do it yeah i didn't want to cause a scene so i let her finish what you're gonna do though head in the fucking hallway head in the in the table you know we've all been there you've got your head in the horseshoe there you go is that your

kink juice dripping on my back you dirty slag what are you going to say you probably would

well yes I would say exactly them words but that's because I'm me I wouldn't I'd let her

finish I would let her finish then again I fall asleep during a massage so I probably wouldn't have

realised but yeah if I'd felt it I would have went I don't know though because it's a really hard chat to have

can I have a notice at one point both your hands were on me back and I could feel dripping and then I heard you sniff were you snotting all over my back oh god

and can I have my money back please yeah but yeah it might have been the oils it might have been I don't know eucalyptus or something in the oil or whatever

they put in airwaves chewing gum and it might have opened our airwaves up oh Jesus wow it might have been drips from't know, eucalyptus or something in the oil or whatever. They put in airwaves chewing gum and it might have opened our airwaves up. Oh, Jesus. Wow. It might have been drips from our mouth. Someone, what happened the other day? Someone was telling me about something to eat and I slathered on my own face.

I dribbled. Wow. So I can't remember what it was. Someone was telling us some food. About food? I think it was, was it Carl? I think Carl, I went to Carl's the other day and he was making pizzas for me and Robin. He was telling us about the pizzas and I think I slathered on my own face.

What's the matter with you? I was hungry. Oh, you're awful. But Robin. And he was telling us about the pizzas, and I think I slathered on my own face. What's the matter with you? I was hungry. Oh, you're awful. Well, I wasn't giving someone a massage at the time, was I? Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Do you want a really vile story about vomit, though? Yes. We started with vomit.

Let's end with vomit. Right, okay. Is this the last one? This can be the last one. All right, okay. Right. Dear Rosie and Chris, I hope you're both well. We're not, actually, because we're kids.

Just stop it. Rosie, it's a rhetorical question. I was talking to a mate of mine the other day about this. What? Have you ever had that where you literally see someone

in passing and you go, are you all right? Hello, are you all right? Yeah. Totally rhetorical. Hello, are you all right? And they go,

oh, no, actually, the car, and you go, oh, no, no, no, no. Which wasn't really asking. I'm walking. I didn't stop walking to speak to you here. Your correct answer should have been, yeah, I'm fine, mate. How wasn't really asking. Your correct... I'm walking. I didn't stop walking to speak to you.

Your correct answer should have been, yeah, I'm fine, mate. How are you? I'm fine as well. Bye. Even if your leg's fallen off. Yeah, but not like... No, but you don't mention it.

No, I'm not really. I crashed the car and I'm late for work and I can't pick the... No, no, no, no, no, no, no. That was rhetorical. Well, it's like when I was at school and I was learning French, right?

So all I learned was, bonjour, ça va? Yeah. How are you? Ça va bien, merci. Et toi? And you? Yeah. And that's it.

You don't, there's no, well, actually, you know. Sorry. Like the other week when you claimed that all French people eat is ham and cheese sandwiches, are you now claiming that they only have how are you, I'm good, how are you, cheers? Are you claiming they've got no description for how they are? No, it's just I never got taught around it. I only got taught, how are you?

I'm fine, how are you? I'm fine, how are you? I'm fine, how are you? I'm fine, how are you? I'm fine, how are you? Same in Greek. Tika nis? Kala? Kala isi? How are you? Same in Greek. Tika nis? Yeah. Kala. Kala isi?

Good, yeah. How are you? Good, aye? Yeah, great. Kala isi? Yes, you? Yeah. Kala.

Kala. Kala. Malaga. This is horrible. Yeah, so. Carry on. I think people are going to be a little bit impressed that I know a little bit of French.

I feel like that's what you were trying to do. That's the only reason I was doing it. I know exactly what you were doing. And do you know what? You said you don't like self-promotion. That right there was arrogant. It was arrogant. It was big-headed.

It was unnecessary. And you should be ashamed of yourself. I just want Acast to know that if they want to send this to any other countries, it could still be my voice. Hey, Acast, if you want to send this to another country, Rosie can say she's fine in two languages.

So get the plane tickets ready for the international tour fuck me brilliant right please keep me anonymous as some of my friends listen and I can't bring myself

to tell anyone as I'm so disgusted with myself before we carry on can I just say the Greek one I've got no frame of reference for that

so that could have just been noises you might as well have been knocking on a desk I've got no frame of reference you don't know any could have just been noises. You might as well have been knocking on a desk. I've got no frame of reference. You don't know any Greek at all. So anyway, okay. So there's disgust and keep them anonymous.

Shockingly, I worked in Greece for like two years. I should know a lot more than I do. It's a lovely language. It's very hard. You were too busy learning cocktails on the beach, man, aren't we? Yeah, we're going to say something else. They're rude, but I'm not going to say it.

You're dirty. I was having cocks on the beach. I knew she was going to say cocks I knew I knew you would cocks on the beach great work thank you thank you

cocks on the beach fantastic when I was at uni so this person who's telling us this she's never told us all this fantastic until now

when I was at uni I was a bit of a slag brilliant in brackets probably an understatement wow okay well good owning it

congratulations well done had a couple of regular hookups on the go. Yeah. One of these hookups went on a lad's holiday one summer and had a holiday fling. When he returned, he also met up and had sex without protection. Just putting that, very stupid, I know.

Very stupid. Always, always, always, what's it? Jack it up? Strap up. Strap in. I don't know. Just wait. Wait for protection.

Just condoms, yeah. About a week or so later, he texted me to tell me he had chlamydia. Goodness gracious. The text you never want to get. Goodness gracious. And I should get tested. Now, I must admit, this was not my first time contracting the clap, but I did learn my lesson after this.

Okay. Having been treated for pesky chlamydia before, I knew the antibiotics used to make me feel super sick okay so when i had to take them i made sure i had eaten plenty and took them straight before bed hopping to sleep through the worst of it bed hoping sorry not bed hopping jesus she's already done that situation in the first place she's took them before she got to bed because she knows she makes them hoping and hopping sorry great reading if only it was written in greek oh i don't know honestly fluent fluent

unfortunately this didn't happen and i awoke in the night feeling really sick i lay in bed trying my best not to succumb to the sickness as I knew I would then have to go back to the doctor and take the tablets all over again. For hours, I lay in bed sweating trying to keep it down until it was too late. I proceeded to vomit into my cupped hands.

What? You knew about it for ages. Go to the toilet. I know, but... Cupped hands? I then panicked at the thought of having to tell my doctor what had happened and having to go through it all again. I can barely bring myself to type this, but I closed my eyes and began to shovel my own vomit back into my mouth and swallow it.

Two handfuls of it. No! Yeah. I can't, no. Yeah. No! Yeah. two handfuls of it no yeah I can't no yeah no yeah

yeah the embarrassment of having chlamydia and going to the doctors again to get more tablets because she'd been sick she'd like a hamster

eating its young because wow so because she'd been sick she didn't she thought she knew like when

like when, like when you give your kid cow pollen, and they're sick, vomiting, and you're like, oh, I'm going to have to get more cow pollen. Yeah. She didn't want to go.

She ate it. She ate her vomit. That is. She's never told a living soul until today. Quite right. Quite right. That is one of the worst things I've ever heard. I know.

That's just, just that, no, that's more shameful than getting chlamydia I know go to the doctors for the love of god tell the doctor

you are sick but then again I do get it do you know when you're young and you don't really but I get like going in and going alright so I need my antibiotics

for chlamydia by the way I can have the different ones because I was sick the last time because you know this is a regular thing for me it's my third time here I get it

but you should have just said she should have said what is the what is the antibiotic penicillin when i was younger i had some strong penicillin i had a bad reaction to it and i thought for years i was allergic it was just too strong she should have just went oh what's that oh you know refromycin or moxicillin penicillin oh can i have that you don't you know when you're young i'll tell you a story now which i've never told on the podcast but oh god when you're a girl right you've never been in this situation before right having to go and get the morning after pill is the most horrifying ordeal right that you'll ever do in your life really yeah so i lived in a time of having to get the morning after pill i didn't know what it was called right there was no

google there was no internet okay well there was but i'd you know i had to ask my mom what it was called right horrendous right i think i was 16 years old i had to literally mom what's the morning after pill called because i didn't want to go at the counter and say i need the morning after pill i wanted to give them the name it began with a v i think right oh it took us took us hours to ask my mom because i didn't sleep had to you know wake up and ask my mum what it was called. Awful. And you don't have to do things like this. And I can understand where she's coming from.

Okay, yeah. To the point of you being your own sick. No, I don't think I'd have made it, to be honest. Okay, I'm glad we got back. I'm glad we walked right round to that. But I can see where she's coming from, because it's that thing of, when you're young, man, how are you? Think back.

Yeah. Think back to when you're young. I mean, now I would waltz in I'd say excuse me I've been a bit of a slag and I didn't use a rubber and I want them all but no I'm joking but back in the day

it was just mortifying yeah no I do get it not again not to the point of eating your own sick but I do get it and hey I tell you what

go back tell them you've lost them what's it called? Just two seconds. Right. So, anyone who's listening now, if you don't want to have to ask your ma'am, it's called Levanel or LR1. There you go.

Great. What? Is that what it's called in this country? Are those the ones that are approved? What is the actual name for the morning after pill? UK? Oh, they could Google it. They could Google it.

Yes, yes, is the point I was getting at. We are not doing this from the future. They can do exactly what you've just done without you possibly giving the wrong information for a pill. I'm just trying to look out for the listeners. Well, it was ridiculous. It was ridiculous what you did. I saw exactly what you tried to do.

You tried to take the moral high ground and help everyone out. But listen, those male and female slags out there who are getting their end away, they know how to Google it. Okay, fair enough. Goodness me. And yes, if faced with the decision of asking my mum

what the morning after pill was called or eating my own vomit, I would be asking her what the morning after pill was called every day of the week. Yeah, true. Just a personal opinion. In this person's defence, they put at the end, it makes me feel sick just thinking about it now.

But I can report that the antibiotics did still work and I definitely learnt my lesson. I genuinely think this story should be used in a safe sex campaign use condoms everyone so there you go. Use condoms or you too could be eating your own vomit by the handful

alone in a bed at night imagine that would be something they'd play in school wouldn't it like a drama reenactment of someone just eating their own vomit. Like the health and safety ones where someone turns on a machine and then his head falls off. Do you know what I mean? Like all them ridiculous ones. Someone just crying. Just

washing their face with it. Sarah didn't use a condom. Sarah's now eaten handfuls of her own vomit in a bed alone. Don't be like Sarah. Oh, Sarah. Don't be like Sarah. Oh, Sarah.

Oh. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Do, do, do, do, do, do. You have been listening to Shagmardanoid, which is part of the ACAS Creator Network. Yes, you have indeed. Thank you so, so much for listening as always, guys, and we will be back in your ears next week.

See you then. Bye. Do, do, do, do, do, do. as always guys and we will be back in your ears next week see you then bye you're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway the visionary behind the groundbreaking

Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series this unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring,

followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th when the Toronto Rock hosts the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30pm. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats

for every postseason game, and you'll only pay as we play. Come along for the ride and punch your ticket to Rock City at torontorock.com.