Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 168. The Worst Smell in The World

Episode Date: May 20, 2022

As well as discussing their new TV show Chris and Rosie share their weekly beefs and their new official ‘ick’ section. They chat passive aggressive waiters, behind the scenes strictly rituals and their thoughts on thongs. QFTP’s include strange contraception choices and some pretty expensive, albeit, dirty sheets. All of this PLUS an exciting announcement! Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit TSO.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl.

Witness the birth. Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's all. No, don't. The first omen. I believe the girl is to be the mother.

Mother of what? Is the most terrifying. Six, six, six. It's the mark of the devil. Movie of the year. It's not real. It's not real. Who said that?

The First Omen. In theaters Friday. Get tickets now. Hello, you're listening to Shagged Married Annoyed with me, Rosie Ramsey, and my husband, Christopher Ramsey. Hello, and we are coming at you in your ears from London. The Big Smoke. We're in the Big Smoke, is that what it's called?

It used to be called the Big Smoke, London, wasn't it? Well, there we go. Well, I didn't know that. London is London No, you've done that before. There's anyone in town about it No, no, no, no. It's London That must be the quickest you've started with a song.

It's easy to find out about it, London, in springtime. Painful, painful. It is spring, though, so I will give you a factual little take on that. Yeah, we're down there doing the TV show. As this happens now, this will come out on Friday, so, guys, you'll have all seen, hopefully you'll have all seen the first episode of the TV show. Oh, my God!

Wasn't that great when that happened? Sick of talking about it. Sick of talking about it. Oh, my God. Guys't that great when that happened? Sick of talking about it. Sick of talking about it. Oh my God. Guys, we've done press this morning. So we've been on

Zoe Ball's breakfast show. She's brilliant. She's lovely. And then we went and did Tom Allen was covering for Chris Evans and then later on today

we're going to go and do the one show. Sick of talking about it. Sick, honestly. You just get asked so many questions. You're not forward of it? No, not anymore.

What can we expect from your show? Oh God, just watch it, man. Well, I'm sick, honestly. You just get asked so many questions. You're not forward of it? No, not anymore. What can we expect from your show? Oh God, just watch it, man. Well, this is like when the big movie stars do press junkets for their films and you watch them

in press junkets and you go, they look sick of their life. Oh my God, they're dead behind the eyes. I kind of get it because it's like... Rosie, they have to answer

the questions a million times more than us and in multiple different countries. We only have to do it here. Yeah. Yeah our time big love to john boyega when i did him for the when i interviewed him for the chris ramsey show on comedy central and he was just basically answering the questions about the movie and not really that bothered and then the moment i told him to do a video slagging your two cousins off for being naughty and saying that the

safe was gonna get them yeah yeah yeah yeah And he was just like, he did this amazing video down there. It's on YouTube if you haven't seen it. It was really good fun. Big love to John Boyega. And, you know, big love to us because we... I don't know what I'm trying to say. Sorry, sorry, sorry. Pause that there. Rosie Ramsey, did you just say big love

to us? No, but I mean... I shall note a guy I interviewed once because he was a really good sport I feel like we're being really good sports I feel like

that's not your decision to me I feel like that's not your decision to me you can't

see a pipe pat me on the back well done me big love to me for being

a good sport fucking hell I'm not made for this business So tell us about your TV show

Or just watch it Just watch it And that's why No one watched it And that's why Her career ended Before it even began Look more about that

Earlier on But we're in London Oh God Oh Jesus I used to love London I'm absolutely sick of it now Sick to the back teeth It's different when you come here for work.

Yeah, I know. When you come here for a jolly, walking around the bloody zoo, having a time of your life. Well, listen, back in the day, before I was part of this life, right, I used to come, Chris would be working, and I'd come down to London.

I'd have a great time, mate. Oh, yeah, yeah. I'd, like, go, I went to see Jersey Boys on my own. I'd have a couple of sneaky... I remember when you went to see Jersey Boys on your own. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'd go for sneaky little wines. One time, I read a book outside

a cafe on a... proper, like, lush, right? And now, none of that. I hate it. I just get asked about a TV show. Yeah, much like when I was hosting I'm a Celeb Extra Camp, and you came over with your mum and Robin and basically had a holiday while I was grafting.

Six weeks. We really got into the Australian life. You did indeed. We've got a lot of Australians listening. What a nice way of life that is. Yeah. When you've got kids. They've got stuff to do, love. You were just on a jolly with your mum. These people have got jobs. So Robin was one and obviously getting up very early. So we'd get up early

and we'd walk to the cafe and it would be seven o'clock in the morning. It was heaving. I'd be like, this is beautiful. You can't do that. When the weather's nice every time, you get up early. Pissing down our hair, we can't be arsed. Yeah, because when you've got young kids...

We're barely out of bed. In England, on a weekend, when you've got young kids... Nothing to do. On a Sunday, when you're waiting for places to open, you've got to torture, innit? Have I shouted out before? People who have children's parties in the afternoon.

Oh, horrible. Go fuck yourselves. Have I said it before? I may have said it in the afternoon? Oh, horrible. Go fuck yourselves. Have I said it before? I may have said it. Probably not. Even if I've said it before, I'm going to say it again. Oh, you're invited to, I don't know, to Charlie's fifth birthday. Oh, it's at three o'clock on a Sunday.

It's fucking when? What am I supposed to do till three o'clock? I know. Oh, my God. Have it early, wear the kids out, let them go home and watch a telly. Yeah. Fine. That's our life, though. We're very much like, from God. Have it early, wear the kids out, let them go home and watch a telly. Yeah. Fine. That's our life, though.

We're very much, like, from a certain time of day, that's when we're just in the house and the kids are schlepping. Yeah. But, yeah, parties in the afternoon, man. Life's changed. I know. And have it near dinner time so I don't have to feed them myself. Yeah.

Come on. Have a buffet. Have a buffet for me to sample with my children. And for all the best buffets, right, at a kid's party, is when the adult doing the thing understands that kids' buffet food is the best food in the world and they make a bit extra and then they go, adults are allowed some, and you're like, thank you,

because I'm dying now watching all these kids eat these ham sandwiches. It's the second one, isn't it? It's the buffet's now open. Five minutes. The buffet's now open for adults. Rosie's just elbowing

people out of the way, getting little cocktail sticks with bright orange cheese on. Don't like cheese. Well, you know, the visual image was there. I had a lot of hot dogs at the last one I was at.

Yeah? What did you have from the buffet? Oh! I wish I had some kind of horn. Are you talking about hot dogs on like dicks? Penises, yeah.

Great. They don't work as well when you've got to explain them. Listen, guys, thank you so much for being back here with us. It's a pleasure to have you. It is episode 168. It never is.

168. And without any further ado, it is time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor. This week's sponsor is... Black Puddin'. Ooh. What are you having for your breakfast?

Doesn't matter. Get some Black Puddin' on the side. Oh, horrendous. Ooh, don't you dare. Don't you dare. It's not... Ooh, Black Puddin'. It's a superfood.

Is it? It's a superfood. Do you know what I mean? I'm saying that. I don't mind it. No carbohydrates. High in protein. No carbs?

No carbs. There she is. There she is. Eh? Eh? Little snuffle truffler. There you are. Right.

You can piss off, because what have you been calling me all this week that I can't remember now, but I'm a bit sick of it? Pig dog. Pig dog. You're horrible. He's been calling us pig dog all week,

and it's really not very nice at all. Ashby, you've got your own TV show now you need to be sort of pulled down a peg or two please don't ask us about it you little pig dog

honestly black pudding controversial opinion better than real sausages oh ok honestly unbelievable I don't mind a bit

but I find it very over it's just too much it's a bit, but I find it very over... It's just too much. It's a bit rich. It's incredible. Absolutely incredible. Look, I don't care if you're sitting listening, I'm doing this, frying blood. Oh, shut up, man. It's gorgeous. Absolutely gorgeous.

It's got a bit of oats in it. It's got a bit of oats in it. I researched it. It's got some herbs, some oats, some suet. No carbs. No carbs, very high in protein and nutrients. I'm trying to not eat many carbs at the minute, but it's really hard.

Because carbs, they're everywhere. They're in everything. The problem is bread's the best. It really is. But it's just everywhere. You try to be healthy and not eat... Well, I know... Oh, God, I didn't even know.

What do you mean? Just because I've left it till two days before the TV show to try and lose two stones. I'd really try to do it, but I couldn't give up with it. I only juice for a week. You know what you need? You need some kind of wasting disease.

Do you need a band? No, you don't. You look beautiful. Stop putting pressure on yourself. I'm not saying it, gang, because I don't like complimenting you, pig dog. No. The only thing that I don't like on the TV show is me, like, my chin.

That's the only thing. Everything else, I think, looks banging, but it's just me chin. Look, stop it. You look beautiful. Anyway, there's pig dogs. Seen enough pig dog days. Pig dog out. Get the jingle.

Pig dog out. Pig dogs. Here's the jingle. We had a fight about the jingle. Jingle. We couldn't settle on about the jingle Jingle We couldn't settle on a jingle Jingle So this is the jingle

Jingle We hope you like the jingle Jingle Jingle Hello and welcome back to this week's episode of Shagged, Married, Annoyed, Buzz and Let You Back. So all joking aside, the first episode of the TV show went out on Monday. Yes.

I thank you all so much for your wonderful comments. Yeah. Everyone's been so lovely about it. Yeah, genuinely really, really nice. So lovely. Really supportive. A lot of people were like, didn't know if this was going to be good. Yeah, that was always nice to hear that.

Always nice to hear that. Rosie, I've had it my whole life. I've had it my whole career. I know. Honestly, thought you were going to be shit. And you're not that bad. Thanks, mate. You know what it is, though.

I kind of want to reply and go, yeah, neither did I. But I was pleasantly surprised as well. I was more nervous for it going on telly than I was for actually doing it. And I've done loads of TV shows in my time. And it was just because it was me and you and it's the podcast. It's a big deal. It's a new thing out there it's huge yeah and thank you

and it's yeah it's been wonderful and look to take you behind the scenes right obviously spoiler alert we're going to talk about if you haven't seen it yet you're gonna have to go and watch it before listening to the rest of this bit right roland keaton comes out at the end it goes a right goal yeah we so i've seen a couple of people are, like, confused at how we knew... Basically, it is an audience vote for It Goes Aragog. We rehearsed a totally different ending multiple times. We were...

If you haven't seen it, there was a mangy pillow that was 31 years old. Disgusting. Fucking horrible. The Boys Own Memorabilia. Yeah. And there was a dressing gown. Yeah.

We were convinced. We had rehearsals during the day. We were like, nobody is picking Boys Own memorabilia and there was a dressing gown we were convinced we had rehearsals during the day we were like nobody is picking Boys Own because we knew Ronan was going to do the ending of the show

but we had two different versions we said we're going to yeah sorry we're going to have him come up for a song weren't we yeah that was the crack

because I'm trying to get a song on the end of the show every week even though Chris is absolutely 100% against it not every show

has that ending in a song. It does. It's a good, it's a party five. Loads of massive shows don't end in songs. Party five, anyway. We knew Ronan was going to come out,

but we had two ways that it was going to go. We only rehearsed the way that it went once. Yeah. Because we were adamant that nobody was going to pick the boys' own stuff.

Sorry, not just adamant, adamant to the point of where during the day, I said three things, I bet. I said, there's no way they're going to pick the boys' own stuff. They're not just adamant. Adamant to the point of where during the day, I said three things I bet. I said, there's no way they're going to pick the boys own stuff. They're going to do the pillow. I know our audience and they'll pick the pillow. I said, I bet, I think large sums of money were thrown around.

I said, I bet. I said, I bet our house on it. Our house, yeah, you did say that. And I said, I bet my life on it. Right. So, yeah, fucking humble pie. You evil bastards in the studio audience saw how much that memorabilia meant to that poor woman

and were like, fuck her. Our producer, Robin, has just showed us in the video, obviously, of it, and she was like, look at your face. And I was like, what do you mean? And when they cheered for the boys and stuff, I just looked at you and was like, we're going to have to do the way that we only

rehearsed once. It's like, but then I'm like, is Ronan Keating going to come out and smash up all his own gear? I mean, he did.

What, honestly, Ronan Keating, everyone. Ronan Keating. What a dude. Ledge. What a cool guy.

Came out, played along, was so nice to that woman who, you know, to be fair, I'm surprised he doesn't have a restraining order against her at some point. We'll probably find out that she's actually part of some kind of group

that have alerted outside his house. It was amazing. And, yeah, so that's the crack. So the audience do always get to vote for it. And we just had him on backup to come out and sing at the end to surprise her. But he and Ian were like in one in a million shot. We hit it and he came out and smashed his own stuff up.

It was amazing. To be honest with you, it worked better because in the second option, he was just going to come and sing randomly, like, oh, I want to sing this song. Look, he is running. And it worked out so much better. Yeah, we got to have a bit of a chat and stuff. So I was very chuffed with that.

Absolutely class. But yeah, thank you for all your positive comments. Thanks to Jamie and Sophie who were on. You're amazing. Judy Love as well. Love them too. Really love them too. They're so posh, right?

But they are still so relatable as a couple because they've got the same lives as everyone else, just in a different tax bracket. Judy Love was fantastic. Big shout out to Judy. Obviously, Ronan Keating. Big shout out. Ronan Keating's on tour soon as well,

so go and check him out because what a cool guy. And this is a bit gushy, but they all listen to it. Our team behind the scenes, they're so good, and they work so hard. And, yeah, so this little gush is for you lot. I'd never say this to their face. I'd never let them know face to face. But they are brilliant.

They are fabulous. I might take this out, actually get this out. I don't want them getting too complacent. Just too hard on getting comfortable. Yeah, we'll take this out. I know what you mean. We'll take this out. Right, we'll take it out and replace it with this.

Are you ready? Yeah, go on then. Glad the show actually came together because the team are a load of shit. Oh, shit. Shit. They do nothing in that office. They sit there.

They just eat sushi and look at TikTok all day. And play fucking Wordle. Nerds. Shocking. Nerdles. That's actually a one. I think it's a maths one. We'll fix that. We'll edit fucking wordle. Nerds. Shocking. Nerdles. That's actually a one. I think it's a maths one. We'll fix that.

We'll edit it nicely. Yeah, yeah. We didn't mention this. Just quickly about the TV show. You know, obviously, that I... Are you talking about the TV show again? Are you talking about your own TV show? Well, I'm talking about something

that I don't really want to say in an interview, but this is a safe space, right? But, I mean, you know i talk about periods a lot yeah right i was due on my period for like a week before the tv show and every day i was like i was like when's it coming when's it coming this is ridiculous you know when you're like come on i've got this to do you know what happened got me hair and makeup done we had five minutes right the floor manager came and she was like you got five minutes to get what you're wearing on i mean you're gonna have to start

because Stuart was warming up the crowd and everything. I was like, five minutes, right? I nipped to the loo, had a wee, wiped. What was there? Five pound note. No. Pound coin. Me lucky charms.

Pot of gold. Mother Nature's juice right there. Just as we were about to go on stage. me lucky charms pot of gold mother nature's juice right there just as we were about to go on stage so it's not all glamour

I suppose is what we're trying to say guys it was just so it was so it was just ridiculous I just found it very kind of like

great great it's the Chris and Rosie and Rosie's period show hey I'm here oh my god she's banging on Great. Great. It's the Chris and Rosie and Rosie's period show. Hey, I'm here. Oh, there we go.

She's banging on about her period again. Happy days. Wait, this might not even make it in. Sorry. Happy days. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. We met the Eurovision guy. Sam Ryder. What a bloody absolute ray of sunshine.

He really was. Wasn't he? Literally put my arm around him for one second. I felt recharged. Yeah. Honestly, I felt like I'd been on a bloody little, you know, my little

lawnmowers charging station. I feel like I'd been sitting on that all night charged right up. He was just wonderful. What a nice guy. And as if we came second in Eurovision.

The whole of Europe don't hate what I recorded. How incredible. It's actually quite nice, isn't it? Well done him. Well done him. A little clap. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well done, mate. There we go. Fantastic singer and really good cracking song as well. Amazing stuff. done now we did all that we did press day and stuff and then there's like morning interviews and then we went back to the went by the hotel for some breakfast in right and we were told to have a lovely day this morning in the most passive-aggressive way I think I

think I've been told about it. Oh my god. Oh you're talking about this right. I brought it straight down as soon as it happened. He came over what did he put down he put butter or something down give her some toast without any butter toast without butter

London innit I mean London innit yeah he's probably thinking he shouldn't really have eaten that toast butter there was some butter

in there pig dog he didn't call her a pig dog but I would have you know I would have I would have

tipped him handsomely if he did I'd have probably high fived him so you put the butter down and he literally I've written down exactly what he said right he literally went

put it down like that and he went yeah he went okay right bye and then he turned as he was still walking off and he went have a lovely day

yeah yeah that was it have a lovely day yeah and I was like fucking hell I bet that I know I feel like we better have a lovely day, yeah? And I was like, fucking hell, I better. I know.

I feel like we better have a lovely day. I think it was an accent thing. I feel like, honestly, in that moment, I felt like later on he's going to turn up at the hotel room, he's going to knock at the door and we're going to open it and it's going to be him and he's going to be checking if we're having a lovely day. Did you have a lovely day?

And if we didn't have a lovely day, I think he's going to kick the fuck out of both of us. Oh, yeah. I feel like he's really going to give we a good kicking. And it reminded us of, did I ever tell you about when, I think it was when I was doing Hebb good kicking. And it reminded us of, did I ever tell you about when, I think it was when I was doing Heban, and I really noticed some differences in the accent.

Again, I don't know if I've, differences in accent and phrasing and stuff we say. I don't know if I've mentioned this before on the podcast, but I think it was me and Jason Cook on the set of Heban, both were talking to someone, and we both said goodbye to them, and we went, see you later, right, bye.

Watch what you're doing, yeah? Who did you say this to? Someone who wasn't from the North East. Oh. Celia, watch what you're doing. And they went, sorry? And we went, watch what you're doing. And they went, why?

And I went, oh, no, it means, like, bye. It means, like, be careful. Yeah. But they were, like, threatening them. Oh, my God, isn't that funny? Yeah, you watch what... You fucking watch yourself, mate. Yeah. I've got my eye on you. One eye that funny? You fucking watch yourself, yeah? You fucking watch yourself, mate. I've got my eye on you. One eye open, mate.

You be careful, yeah? Don't fall down any drains. That's, um... When I used to work in schools... Yeah? ..and I was working in year one this one day, cos I used to be a teaching assistant. Right.

Bleh, hated it. Anyway, working in year one, and there was a little girl, so she must have been about six, right? And she was doing something, and I said, jokingly I went II I went you can't do that she started cry I was like I was like it's okay Wow and I didn't understand that she did not understand the joke of II you can't do that all right sort of yeah the sarcasm in it yeah I tongue-in-cheekness of it. Yeah, she started telling her off. Wow. I had to go, oh, sorry. You need a child, girl. I was like, why is she crying?

I was like... Because I'm a bad teaching assistant. Yeah. She asked us about my TV show and I said, shut up, I don't want to talk about it anymore, I'm sick. I've got my extensions in, I'm doing my editing. And she started crying. And why not?

Quite right. I don't mean... I'm trying not to be negative. You're not negative, man, it's all right. OK, I'm trying to be positive. There's nothing... Like, no, you know, there's nothing wrong with a little whinge now and then. In a healthy way, you know.

This is where we come to win. You've got to understand. Yeah. We don't whinge that much to each other. We just come on here and this is our vent. You got us four times a day if you were going to do Strictly. I know. Four times.

If you ever got offered it, would you do it? Mm-hmm. And, you know. No offer. No one's called. Anyone wants to win, you don't wear it. It's shagmyrnoyd at gmail.com, guys. No one is round.

It's been a while. Keep asking us. Salt in the wound, guys. I just don't want you to do it because I so enjoy being the best dancer in our house. Strictly self-finalist. What would you do, though? Because, you know, you never say never.

If I did it and I beat you, what would you do? It wouldn't happen. Because I know our listeners and I know if I did it and I beat you what would you do? It wouldn't happen because I know our listeners and I know if I started a Get Rosie Out before the semi-finals campaign so that I'm the best dancer

in the house I know everyone would be bang on board with that You would not do that Get Rosie Out I'd be honestly I'd be going through your bins

I'd be honestly You'd be going through your bins It's your bin and all Why you know I'd be going up to the airman She deserves to go out Are we living in separate houses now no no well maybe the bin in your has another been in your in your bathroom great there's nothing nothing in there other than

i'd start i'd start a get rosie out campaign not because i don't love her not because i don't think she's great and i'm very proud of her but because i uh will not be beaten in me one household uh for the for the fact that i got the semi-finals. It's not happening. Get out there. I'll practice. Get Rosie out. No one might look.

Honestly, I'd get out. I'd be out in week one. I'd be out in week one. Honestly, I'll come to watch live. You'll see me with a big bit of lure pack, just buttering that dance floor just before you go out. Big slab of butter on there, just getting it all nice and shiny for you. He hasn't... Oh, she broke her leg. Oh, no! Is the floor sticky or is it... out. Big slab of butter on there, just getting it all nice and shiny for you.

Oh, she broke her leg! Oh, no! Is the floor sticky, or is it slippy? I can't remember, man. I didn't know what the fuck was going on, man. I didn't know what the fuck was going on. Back in the day when I used to do theatre shows, Dolly, some of the theatres, I never saw them doing that, and you know when someone tells you something, and you go, is that a lie?

Are you about to say that they spat on the floor? No, not spit. OK. Coke. Like, dye coke. They put dye coke on the floor. To make it stick, pop. To make it sticky.

Oh. And then it would dry and the stage would be really sticky. Right. I know sometimes the dancer, well, me and Karen, used to spit on my shoes. Oh. To get them to move because it was a bit sticky. I think it must have been a bit sticky because that's the thing

when you go up to the front and you're about to do the dance at the top just before it goes like dancing the tango Chris Rapps you and Karen are before you do that

it shows you a VT you're spitting on your shoes so we walk to the front and everyone's like clapping and the VT the videotape that's what it stands for Keith Lemon style

is on and everyone's watching that and then all this crowd are sitting around going oh there's Chris and Karen oh look at them they all look lovely oh don't they look great oh she's dressed well and everyone's watching that, and then all this crowd are sitting around going, oh, there's Chris and Karen, oh, look at them, they all look lovely, oh, don't they look great, oh, she's dressed well, and he's...

And then we're both hucking on the floor and stamping in it, and they're like, oh, my God, this is horrible. That's horrendous. You never told me about that. You've got to huckle on the floor, man. It's good luck. I don't know why we did it. I saw the pros do it, and I... There was a wet pad you could use, but sometimes if a wet pad wasn't available, you just huckle on the floor. This is so... I didn't know on the floor. This is so interesting.

I didn't know anything about that. That is so interesting. Four huckle, nothing wrong with the floor. Pre-COVID, probably can't do it now. No, you wouldn't. Oh, God, imagine. Can you imagine? There's probably someone standing there

all masked up with a super soaker now and you lift your foot up and you just fucking squirt to the bottom of your feet with some... Literally on the dance floor. Don't you dare. Don't you dare. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Rosie. Yes. So, you dare. Don't you dare. Rosie. Yes.

So, you don't want to talk about your TV show anymore? No, well, I didn't mean to sound so negative, but, yeah, we've been asked about it a lot. Do you want to answer some questions about your TV show? No. No more. We're not bothering them anymore with the TV show. It's on every Monday, 9 o'clock, BBC Two.

You don't want to talk about that anymore. Old news. Old news. It's not. It's on for six weeks. It's not. It's on for six weeks. We've got to talk about it.

Why don't we talk about something else? Right. Why don't we talk about something else right why don't we talk about autumn 2023 yeah where we will be back on the road with another Shagmire Denied Tour yeah okay I'll talk about that

why don't we talk about that let's talk about that extra extra read all about it guys we're hitting the road again in autumn 2023 we are doing a brand new

Shagmire Denied Arena 2 Shagmire Denied 2 if you will is that what we're going with hitting the road again in autumn 2023 we are doing a brand new shag my annoyed arena to our shag my annoyed too if you will is that what we're going with no i don't know what we call this but yeah we're just shag my annoyed too shag my annoyed harder let's die let's die hard joke shag harder mario annoyed more yeah shag less infrequently listen the tickets are on sale Friday 27th of May and if you sign up shit are they wow so that's news to her

if you sign up with a mailing list at shagmountainhoy.com you can get early access to the tickets before they go on general sale

dates and everything all the details will be on shagmountainhoy.com the shagmountainhoy.com said everyone's grander and yeah we're very excited to see you there we love the tour genuinely genuine hand on heart love the tour

best thing i've ever done in my career best thing ever and thoroughly enjoyed it and we hope we did as well made me enjoy stand-up less and i bloody love stand-up yeah and we just thought we'd go so next year it's going to be 2023 so you've got a bit of time. Yeah. No, there's nothing else to say about it. We're doing it again, and we're very excited. And it's going to be a little bit bigger at the end, I've decided. What do you mean? We haven't had a meeting about this yet, but I want to do more at the end. Because obviously I sang at the end of the last one.

Right. Which is great. I only did like one song. There's going to be a bit of a medley going on. Right. Probably be taking requests quite soon. Oh, Jesus Christ. No, I want at least, I'm going to say 15 minutes at the endley going on. Right. Probably be taking requests quite soon. Oh, Jesus Christ. No, I want at least...

I'm going to say 15 minutes at the end. Sorry, I've just checked my diary. I'm actually busy. I'm busy. Oh, yeah? Autumn 23. Yeah, I've got stuff on. I'll ask what other comedians are around.

There's a few. Yeah, they'll want to do it. Do you know what? What? I noticed something the other day which really upsets me. Is this a Rosie's Observation? Kind of, actually. Right.

Kind of a Rosie's Observation. OK. I really, really don't like when you see somebody, like a member of staff, telling off another member of staff. Oh, God, yeah. And you can see it. Oh, no. Horrible. I saw it the other day. It was very uncomfortable. Where did you see it?

Oh, gosh, where was it? I can't even remember. It was outside, so I was in a car. Right. And I was passing somewhere, but it was traffic. It was London. It was traffic. Right. And they were outside having a cigarette of, like, a restaurant. I don't know what restaurant. Oh. But someone was telling someone off, and I was like,

oh, please don't. Oh. It was a bad crack. I say that's the thing that's weird though because I used to love it when people got told off at school. Mm. I perversely was like, oh,

do you know when someone would get bollocked, you know, and the teacher would like get them up the front of the class and like tear them a new one. Oh, it always made me feel really uncomfortable.

Oh, no, I loved it, mate. Oh, wow. Oh, I fucking couldn't get enough of it, mate. Like, honestly, I can't be like, go on, sir, punch him, sir, go on.

Loving it. Honestly, did you not, you know what can't be like, go on, sir, punch him, sir, go on. Loving it. Honestly, did you not, you know what I reckon? Just a perverse enjoyment when someone else got caught doing it, but then when it was you,

oh, if I got a bollock at the front of the class, I was a crier, me. Were you a crier? Honestly. I didn't really get wrong to that extent. I talked a lot,

and that was it. I only got a tall off for talking, but I never got wrong. I do remember, I've got a really, really vivid memory of being in junior schools, right? In junior school, even, not junior schools.

And three of the lads got hauled in the front of assembly, right? Because they were going round the yard, you know the 30cm rulers? Yeah. They were going round the yard pretending that they were willies and kind of going, everyone like... It were these big rulers. And the headmaster made them stand in front of assembly

and re-enact what they'd been doing. Hey, everyone, just in case you missed it, in the yard, these three legends. But you've... So, like, I'd seen them. I'd seen them do... I'd seen the actual act. I'd seen the full... I'd seen the actual act. I'd seen the full... I'd seen the original. I'd seen the original when they were dead excited

and they were doing it and they were like, we're watching them do it in assembly. And they were going... It was absolutely... They looked so gutted. It was brilliant. So you saw the intimate warm-up gigs before they did the big venues.

Yeah. Right, yeah. You saw when they still had the love for the art form and then they'd sold out that. It was hilarious. Wow. I don't know why they got them up in December, but it was just so beautiful.

Speaking of getting up at assembly, did I ever tell you about the lad in my comprehensive school, in Haunt Comp, who the teacher, the head of maths, paid him 20 quid to... He bet him 20 quid that he couldn't recite pi to 100 decimal places. And he went up, he stood up and did it in front of the whole year.

Did he win £20? He got 20 quid off the teacher. But he was like... The teacher was like, oh, I've bet him that he couldn't remember pi to 100 decimal places. And I said, I'll give him £20 if he can. So he got up on stage. Oh, God, were you in that assembly?

It was horrible. Oh, my God. It was absolutely horrible. I'll give you £20. Shut the fuck up. It was awful. Ew. And I remember sitting there going, why are you doing this?

What's wrong with you? He is. Like, didn't get it wrong. Honestly, lovely lad. I've actually been on holiday with that lad he's a really nice lad I'm not going to say his name

but lovely lovely lad very clever lad I imagine he's doing extremely well in life now I haven't been touching him for some years but I remember thinking what the fuck

are you doing horrible oh god it might as well have stopped there went any bullies interested in giving me a good fucking hiding later

because I'm about to bore the cunt off you for 20... Does anyone want to steal £20 from a geek? Oh, stop it. I'm joking, I'm joking, I'm joking. Hey, listen, I was in the drama group, me, man. Oh, me, I was the biggest geek of all. Do you know I used to go around the yard, right? This is comprehensive school, right?

Year 10. I'm talking year... So we're talking 14, 15. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I used to go around the yard, me and me friend, pretending we were carrying a sofa. Wow. We weren't carrying a sofa.

Like my modest. And I don't know... Rosie, we're talking about the ick. You and your mate... Fucking trigger trigger happy TV the early years. Cambridge Footlights improv group pretending to carry a sofa. My dick just fell off. Fell off.

Chris, do you know what's funny? I did not do well with boys at school at all. Never in the world. Now I know why. And also, I was in the St Vincent de Paul group, the church group, and we used to do plays at school, and we did a play where I was pregnant in the play,

I don't know why, and then we used to sing, and we sang Children of the Night in the assembly. And honestly, rehearsals, we thought it was amazing. I remember doing it and thinking, nobody's enjoying this. Wow. Wow. Oh, I hated us.

Children of the Night, the dance song. We are the children of the night. We sung that in a choir. By the future of our nation. Yeah, yeah, we all know the song. No, we kind of, like, danced to it. Wow. In assembly?

You still did that in assembly? I was pregnant in assembly. It was, like, the end of your assembly. Wow. In assembly? You still did that in assembly? I was pregnant in assembly. It was at the end of your assembly. Wow. I acted and I was pregnant. I think I was a cleaner. Do you know what? Wasn't I?

Hearing all this, that pie to 100 decimal places isn't actually that bad now that I'm hearing this. It's actually not that bad. I'd hear that again over watching you and your mate pretend to lift a sofa then sing Children of the Night. God almighty.

God almighty. I don't know how we got away with that. I don't know how we ended up doing Another thing Question for you And for everybody listening Just now remember The first time you ever fought in an assembly

I don't think I ever fought in an assembly Oh God I did No You never fought in an assembly? No Because everyone would fucking hear you fought When I fought in an assembly Brilliant

I didn't get away with it at all. Everyone knew it was you. It was horrendous. Am I married to the school farter? We used to have to sit on benches. Oh, the proper pot rattled out the back. It did ripple a bit. Have you ever farted in an assembly?

I doubt I've farted. I used to fill me with the fear. I can think about it now. Do you know what you should have done? I called it in. Not farted. I think I've got IBS, you know. Like, I can think about it now. Do you know what you should have done? I would have, like, hauled it in. Not farted. I think I've got IBS, you know. Yeah?

I think I do. Oh. No, I don't. There was one time when one of my friends farted in geography and it fucking stunk. Jesus. Jesus. This is painful. She can't even get the story out

That's basically it That's it Your friend fought in an assembly In geography and it stunk But everyone thought it was a lad Because it was so bad And even the teacher was like Oh my god

All the boys lined up against the wall Sexist fought accusation And had to have been a filthy boy Even the teacher was like, oh, my God. All the boys lined up against the wall. Sexist fart accusation. A hacker would have been a filthy boy. It's so funny. To be fair, the other night in bed, Rave came in and got in the middle of us, and I touched his little head just as he got in,

and he was a little bit hot, so I took his little sleep suit off him. He farted just as I was taking his sleep suit off. Rosie, I thought you had shat the bed. That's how bad that boy's fart smell. That little baby. I shat the smell. Literally, I was like... And I didn't think, has he filled his nap?

I thought, Rosie has shat the bed here. This is an adult shit. Yeah, they're minging. Stank. Both the lads are disgusting. Horrible. He'd had sprouts for tea. Brilliant, that'll be that then.

That'll be why. There we go. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, bah. Rock City, you're the best fans in the league, bar none. Tickets are on sale now for Fan Appreciation Night on Saturday, April 13th, when the Toronto Rock host the Rochester Nighthawks at First Ontario Centre in Hamilton at 7.30 p.m. You can also lock in your playoff pack right now to guarantee the same seats for every postseason game game and you'll only pay

as we play come along for the ride and punch your ticket to rock city at torontorock.com will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever join the sunrise challenge to raise funds for cam age the center for addiction and mental health to support life-saving progress in mental health care from may 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca.

That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday. You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girlallenge.ca. is the most terrifying 666 it's the mark of the devil movie of the year the first omen in theaters friday gets it gets now i hate you so much right now i hate you so much right now

i hate you so much right now this is the ick section is that your jingle yeah yeah that's the jingle oh I hate these people who would stop as being allowed

to play the music on the earth I have been sent so many icks right like so many good ones and I wasn't going to turn this into a full thing

but I feel like I have to because it has to be done there's just so many yeah you're going to love this one okay hi Rosie and Chris long time listener first time writer i've been inspired by your recent

ick stories and i have one that to this day fills me with self-loathing for my picky female preferences god yeah i went to drama school brackets already a nick for a lot of people where i met my boyfriend so she went to drama school and she's met her boyfriend there. Great. Oh, God, I would have loved to have gone to drama school. Jesus. You do yourself down. You had your own drama school going on.

Moving sofas round the yard, improv. Around B Yard. Ugh. He was in the acting programme while I was a writer and it felt like the perfect match. Fucking hell. It's a nice match. Rosie, he was so handsome, it makes me weep.

Wow. Mm, I get it. I was head over heels for him until one fateful afternoon. Oh, what's he done? I was heading to a rehearsal and happened to pass by one of the workshops where, out of the corner of my eye, I caught sight of my boyfriend through the window in the door.

The flare of excitement at seeing him quickly turned to horror when I saw what he was doing. You ready to hear what he was doing? Yeah, right, so she's walked past one of the rooms and he's in one of the rooms. And he's in one of the rooms. Doing his acting. And he's doing a workshop and she's like,

oh, my God, he's so handsome. And, oh, but do you want to hear what he was doing? What was he doing? Clown class. LAUGHTER Oh, fantastic. He wasn't in make-up or clown clothes, but somehow that was worse.

LAUGHTER Fucking hell, man. Seeing my boyfriend's handsome face and hot body twisted into grotesque comedic shapes while he pranced about

in front of a room of people almost made me gag. Apparently, displaying the extremes of emotion was too much emotion, I mean. Oh, wow.

One good thing is that it was a little nice to find something harmlessly weird and imperfect about someone who just seemed really amazing, but I can't thing is that it was a little nice to find something harmlessly weird and imperfect about someone who just seemed really amazing. But I can't say for sure it didn't contribute when we broke up. Wow. Clown class.

Honestly, women, man. Like, so handsome she could have wept, but she saw him doing clown class and went off him. Yous are honestly crazy. Oh, horrible. Horrible. We're terrible. There's one that somebody tweeted me

and I feel like... Oh, I feel like this is the one that went viral this weekend. It might be. It's incredible. My husband says he has the ache because I got hypnotised by Darren Brown on stage. Darren Brown.

Darren Brown, yeah. Darren's his brother. Oh, sorry. Have you not heard the other one, though, when it's like... I think it was on TikTok. It was very grim. Oh, sorry. Have you not heard the other one, though, when it's like... I think it was on TikTok. It was very grim. When it says,

my girlfriend got the ick whilst I was being cut out of my car. Wow! What, because of being a crutch? What, because of being a car crash? While they were getting cut out of the car, the girlfriend got the ick. Got the ick.

Wow. Terrible. Join us next week for I hate you so much right now! I hate you so much right now! Ick! I hate you so much right now. If I was a woman, though,

if I was a woman, you know what my ick would be for men? Shorts on public transport. Fucking hate it. Only on public transport? hate it Only on public transport You don't like You don't like men In shorts

On the train There's a man sitting On the train in shorts Honestly I'd rather he was naked I hate it You mean for a longer journey Than just like

Ten minutes Yeah Like a train Like a cross country train I've trained out of London What about a woman in a skirt Doesn't bother us Doesn't bother us

You pig Nah just Man in shorts on a train Really Nah just put some Come on mate There's a acorn Put some trousers on That doesn't bother us you pig no just man in shorts on a train really nah just put some come on mate there's acorn

put some trousers on that doesn't bother me oh no why do you feel like you'd be able to smell his dick smell his balls and dick I feel like if he

wafts his pants up they're going to write nostril full of his balls and dick I'm not happy about it I'm sorry the worst smell in the world is dirty balls and dick

dirty balls and dick I'm sorry you're so where have we been we've been somewhere right we oh Chris The worst smell in the world is dirty balls and dick. Dirty balls and dick. I'm sorry. You're so right. Where have we been? We've been somewhere. Right. Oh, Chris, we've been somewhere where we've literally been like,

can you smell a dick? I can't remember where we were, but we said somewhere recently we were supposed to smell someone's dick. Oh, my God. It just fills the air. Just the smell of unwashed dick just fills the air. Was that on holiday with you or somebody else when we were on the sunbed and the guy opposite us, you could just see his dick?

Was that with you? I feel like I'd have remembered that. I feel like I might have been with me mum. That was a bad day. Sounds like something your mum would spot. Ew. It's time for What's Your Beef? What's Your Beef?

Beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef, beef. Hey. I'm going to go first this week. Short and sweet, mine. My beef with you. You did this two weeks ago. You think I forgot. I haven't.

You've referenced it since and it doesn't make it any less painful. I said I love you the other day and you said no worries. I can't believe that hasn't come up sooner. I wrote it down. I didn't forget it. I got something else popped up last week. But yeah, the other day I went love you, I love you. And you went no worries. I got something else popped up last week. But, yeah, the other day I went, love you, I love you. And he went, no worries.

I was busy. I was busy typing a text or an email or something. It hurt. But what I've enjoyed since is that when you put it in a text, it textbacks it. Yeah. It's become a long-running joke now. No worries.

And I don't like it. I've got a beef with you. Good, because that's this section. It's an anxiety-riddled beef. OK. So people might relate to this. I think they might. Right, this is what we talked about in the hotel last night.

I do give you permission to have this as a beef because it's also a beef with myself, just for anyone who gets upset here. Current beef with Chris at the moment is we obviously have the TV show and then we've got a bit of time off and Chris hasn't had any time off for a long, long time. We didn't get any time off in the pandemic because we worked all the way through it. So we've got a good chunk of time off and Chris hasn't had any time off for a long long time we didn't get any time off in the pandemic because we worked all the way

through it so we've got a good chunk of time off after the TV show we're still doing the podcast Chris has convinced himself that once we finish the TV show he's going to die now we sort of undernod

that's it we undernod whether to tell people this but then again I get so many letters at gigs and I get so many messages of people saying thank you for talking about

anxiety and stuff my main current for some reason anxiety is that once we get all sorted and settled in any kind of situation

I'm gonna die it's gonna die once everything's fine and done and sorted and settled and I've got everything the way once I

basically once I've got me ducks in a row, I feel like I'm going to die. Not a day before. Not a day before. I don't know what it is. It's not... Oh, bless you, man.

It's not real. It's just this weird thought in the back of my head where I'm like, right, once everything's sorted, we've done that, got time off and spend some time with the family, I feel I'm going to die. It's not a little thought, though, because you've mentioned it a lot.

Yeah. And I can tell when you say it, you genuinely have. Yeah. You're not saying it, but you do think. No, I'm not. I don't suffer from anxiety. But I'm absolutely not taking the piss, because I can see the weird sort of seriousness in your face

when you're saying it. Yeah. And I get it. I've got other friends who suffer from anxiety really bad. Bless you, though, darling. But do you know what it is, right? The thing is, it, I've got other friends who suffer from anxiety really bad and bless you though darling. But do you know what it is right? The thing is right, I want to be able to go like

if we get sorted and we've got the time off and we've got more reduction in the row and then I'm like I'm starting to die I want to leave and you go like

I told you, I told you I was right. You know Chris, honestly, try to just look forward to it and enjoy it. You deserve, you deserve some time off. You've slogged for to it and enjoy it. You deserve some time off.

You've slogged for years and years and years. You deserve a little bit of time off. I'll try. OK? Bless you. The big sleep is time off, so I will get me time off either way. Yeah. It just might be for eternity.

Oh, stop it, though. I only half believe it. It's just a weird thought in my head. And you know what? I'm like, I have to let these thoughts come out. And it helps. Yeah, no, no. It's just a weird thought in my head. And you know what? I'm like, I have to let these thoughts come out. And it helps. Yeah, no, no. It helps when they're out there.

And like you say, I know for a fact there's going to be people listening to this who go, yeah, yeah, I do that. I know for a fact there will be. But you're going to be okay. Thanks. I might not. I'll roll our ducks in a row, just in case. Yours aren't.

Mine are sorted. Nearly. I'll never get my ducks in a row, because that's when I'll die. All right, okay. I just mean, am I going to lose the house? You're going to lose everything. Oh, great. Great, can't wait.

It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public, public, public, public, public. I didn't like that at all. It's the Queen's Jubilee. Public, public, public, public, public, public, public, public. It's the Queen's Jubilee. Ah, he's been gone on a bit that, hasn't he?

Right, if you want to get in touch, it's sharpmoutanoid at gmail.com. Look, I'm all for the Queen's Jubilee, and well done, Queen, you know, we think you're great, but Rafe's nursery's closed. Yeah. Rafe's nursery's closed for the Jubilee, and I'm raging about it, to be fair.

He doesn't give a shit about the Jubilee. How many more? We don't get bank holidays in this job. It just makes our actual job harder. Yes, but listen. Oh, God. A lot of people listening to this will be buzzing again next September. Oh, yeah, you know what? For you guys. Enjoy. Enjoy.

I'm just jealous. It's like with anything that I take the piss off of. I'm just jealous. I'll be dead anyway, so it's fine. Oh, for God's sake. Morning, Chris and Rosie. Just listening to episode 163 regarding the religious hypocrite who Googled restaurant stores but sleep like smackheads in a bed sit.

Do you remember the family who don't make their beds at all? They don't have any sheets on their bed, but they Googled the restaurant stores to find out what they were before they went. Oh, all right, OK, yeah. The hygiene wins, right, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, this brings me on to my big, dark lie. It all starts eight to ten years ago

when me and my now wife moved in together. After a few attempts when we first moved in, we eventually found our preferred pizza, Indian, chippy and Chinese. Wonderful. As you do. Yeah. Right, a passage. Get a new house, get a new area, find out where you like.

Got a sample. Got a sample of them local delicacies. Yeah, yeah. Well, all was well for about a year. Every meal was gorgeous. Yeah. Until around a year after starting to use our local Chinese, they were given a one-star rating.

Oh. Now, when my wife seen this, she point-blank refused to ever go again. Fair enough, I thought. We'll find another. After a few attempts, none really matched up, but my wife still refused to go back to the one-star Chinese. Oh. I get it.

I do get it. Once it's out there. Yeah. And they've got to stick it on the door, the poor fuckers. I know. To cut a long story short, I love Chinese, and I have now found the perfect replacement for our old one, and my wife agreed it's amazing and tastes so much better than any other.

The truth is... Oh, no, I knew you were going to say this. ..for the last eight years, I've been going to the original one-star takeaway and just telling my wife it's from somewhere else. Oh, that is delicious. Filthy, but delicious. She says, am I going to hell?

That's amazing. This is the best delicious. She says, am I going to hell? That's amazing. This is the best. Should I confess? Right. But it says, but the Chinese taste so good. And we've only had the shite a handful of times. Handful? Full of times?

That might be one of the best confessions we've ever had. That's phenomenal. Isn't it good? Oh, my God. That might be one of the best confessions we've ever had. That's phenomenal. Isn't it good? Oh, my God. Where does he say it's from? Well, my thing is, it'll look exactly the same. It'll taste exactly the same.

Same packaging, everything, same bag. But the thing is, if you're like, it's not from there, why would I go to one star? I wouldn't go back there. What are you talking about? Wow. But it's still from there. Wow. So not once she's gone I wouldn't go back there. What are you talking about? Wow. But it's still from there. Wow. So not once she's gone,

I'm collecting it tonight, he's always went and got it. He's had to keep this going eight years. Or delivered. Or delivered. Eight years. Yeah. You can't admit that.

It's too long now. Just keep going. Keep with it. They could get divorced. Do you think? Yeah, man. She could take that proper seriously because I know it's only a little,

you know, it's a little lie. It's a one meal every fortnight or whatever, however often they have it, once a month maybe. But that's eight years of deceit. That just proves that you can keep up a lie, no matter what the lie is, for years and years and years. Mate, if she ever finds out, you're done. Hi, Chris and Rosie, just a quick one for you.

Is it cheap if a guy pays for a dinner date using a voucher? I mean Why are people so horrible? No it's not Is it not? No, he's got his voucher Hang on, we'll discuss I'm just immediately annoyed

I'm leaning no, but my female friends insist that it would be a huge ick for them. I, on the other hand, feel privileged that he is spending a gift intended for him on me, but my friends are getting in my head thoughts. Right, no, no, listen, I love a voucher, right? I love vouchers. I love anything that gets your money off, right?

But if I was going on a date with somebody and they paid with a voucher, I wouldn't like it. Why? I don't know, Chris. Why? Why? Because it's weird. It's weird. It's weird. Right.

So, you're going on a date, right? It's, I don't know, some nice restaurant or whatever. Do you know what? Let's even say, OK, here we go, here we go. What if it's, like like a Michelin star tasting menu and you got a special voucher off a celebrity chef that he knows? You fucking hypocrite. You absolute fucking hypocrite.

That's disgusting. I'd still hate it. Who do you think you are? I'd still hate it. How much is a pint of milk? How much is a pint of milk? £7.50. Close. It's £7.50. Close.

It's £35. Close. Now, listen. No. Right, okay. So, again, I suppose it does depend on the voucher, doesn't it? Then again, you know, if it's like... Oh, it's out of a back of a bus ticket.

Yeah, but what's the thing, though? I suppose, not to be a snob here, but if you take them on a date and it's like, look, right, thing, though? I suppose, you know, not to be a snobby, but if you, I mean, if you take them on a date and it's like, look, right, yeah, look, I'll get a six-inch subway and you can get a six-inch one with this voucher as well, but you're only allowed one meat and you can't have double cheese.

I'll have to pay extra for that. I'm not fucking digging that. Like, fair enough. Chris, I'm not trying to be, I'm not trying to be, like, stuck up here or anything like that, because I'm far, you know I'm far from that. But when you're in the date,

when you're in the early dating stages, I don't think you should be whipping out the vouchers. I think that's later on down the line. Later on. What if it's about to run out? What if it's about to run out?

I'll go with you, mate. Don't take me in your voucher. I don't know why I found it weird. I'm sorry. First of all, right, first of all, sexist, right? Why is the man paying

for the whole lot anyway? Oh, no, I, shares, sharesies. Second of all, well there we go, I found an even bigger ick. For all of them listening, for all the people listening who find that as an ick,

here's an even bigger ick for you. You go half us, but you're using money and he's using a voucher. Oh! No, no, horrible. Horrible.

There's some... I don't... I don't care how it sounds. I find it really... I... I would be put off by a bloke it's so weird

the stuff you get put off on well what about here's the thing literally second date right second date and you're out for a walk and he needs to nip

to the shops right and he's at the shop and he brings out his coupons right horrendous I'd run a mile alright so here's another one

here's a scenario for you you're on a date right you're on a date here's a scenario for you you're on a date right you're on a date anyone out there think of this you're on the date you're sitting there again it's easier

if we do it you know the bloke the bloke's sitting there so you've got two choices what's your what's your biggest what's the biggest turn off he's going to whip

his vouchers out and he's going to pay with the voucher that he's got for the meal yeah it's all crumpled up and he's had to like flatten it out

and he's got to like write a thing on the back oh god Phil Barrow he's had to flatten it out and he's got to write a thing on the back. Oh, God, Phil Barrow! Rosie, he gets it out of a really loud Velcro wallet. He gets a bright red Jurassic Park wallet out. On a chain from his belt. On a chain, it's on a chain from the front of his chain. And he goes...

And then he pulls it out, right, there's loads of receipts fall out and everything, and he gets his voucher, and one of them's ran out, but the other one hasn't. Or he goes in his little bag, and he's got loads of bags of 2p coins, that are pounds,

and he pays with all the 2p coins in little bags from the bank. And they've got it counted out on your table, and you're there for ages while they're counted out. You can smell the copper. That's worse. That's worse. That's worse. That's,

that's, that's, I'm never seeing you again. I could, I could forgive a voucher. I'm never, I'm never seeing you again. How could you see somebody again

that's paid in two pence? To be fair, you couldn't be going on dates all the time with someone who's got loads of two pence bags on them because if you fell in a river, they're not saving you. No, God no. The voucher, I could forgive, to be fair you couldn't be going on dates all the time with someone who's got loads of two pence bags on them because if you fell in a river they're not saving you they can't straight at the bottom of the gentleman the voucher i could forget to be honest with you the voucher i could

definitely forgive and i could marry and you'd laugh about it in future but at that moment in time i'd be like he's paid with the voucher i'm dying we're even a spa day with the voucher i wouldn't like that either why it's really's really affecting me, this. You're still getting it. No, what's wrong with vouchers? No, I love a voucher. But to pay for it, I don't know, just, no, I don't like it. Right, yeah. A couple of months, a couple of months. See, this is how weird my brain is, right?

First few times, it would be awful. After two months, you'd be like, I've got a voucher. I'd be like, get in. Yeah. Just the first couple of occasions she's got to point the person who's in later on I'd be like

buzzing what time can only be used from half past a lot of things right on the other day because I love a freebie I love a voucher

but on the first date no great voucher on the first date hey Rosie and Chris quick question for you here or question for Rosie here sorry Oh, great. Voucher on the first date. Oh. Hey, Rosie and Chris. Quick question for you here. Oh, question for Rosie here, sorry.

Oh, God. I'll just go fuck myself then, shall I? You can join in. My husband and I got into a strange debate as to where in the crack the string of your thong should rest. Sorry? Do you want me to repeat it? Yeah. OK, my husband and I got into a strange debate as to where in the crack the string of your thong should rest.

Sure... But surely there's only one place it can rest, the bottom of the crack. Well, he thinks it should be so deep it is directly touching your anus. This is fucking horrible, by the way. And then she's put WTF. Mine rests about halfway there.

I wanted to win the debate so badly that I texted all my girlfriends and asked them, how deep is your thong? So I thought, right, I thought, as a lot of other people, I imagine, I thought we meant sort of laterally, like to the left of the arsehole, to the right of the arsehole, but I didn't think there was an option.

So now we're talking about depth. That makes more sense. So, personally... Again, Shirley, just the gravity in the thong makes that... Thongs are fucking disgusting, by the way. I think I've said that before. I hate them. Horrible. Fucking cheese wire down your arse crack.

I've got to wear one tonight and I'm already a bit upset about it. You've got to wear one tonight? Yeah. Why? I'm wearing white pants. Oh. I mean, it's a Spanx thong, so it's not a... It's quite a wide bit of string.

Right, OK. But thongs are disgusting, personally. But my best mate still wears thongs all the time. Like, just on a gig, played it and that, and I'm like, you've got a thong on? Slag. And she's like, she loves it. She fucking loves a thong.

And I'm like, oh, God. Honestly, I get really sore bum whenever I wear a thong. Well, you're probably doing it too deep then. Yeah. So this lady here thinks that it shouldn't go too deep. Why has the husband got an opinion? I don't know. Why does he want to write up people's arse crack?

What the hell kind of conversation? I mean, I know we have some weird conversations. What the hell are these two going on about? Yeah, how deep do you wear your thong? Whenever I've worn one, it's been, like, full on in there, like, cos I don't know how you would stop it from sliding in. Maybe erect some kind of scaffolding around the anus. Some sort of barbie, barbie arse.

Yeah, a little buffer. Maybe if you put, like, a chopstick or... Oh, I was going to say, what have you got, a toothpick, but it would be sharp. If you put something across the arse crack, like some scaffolding, either side, top and bottom of the arsehole. That's awful.

Going across the arse cheeks and the thong set. I mean, I don't know what's going on. Somebody will have a piercing of that. Really? Probably. Bars across their arse. Can you bar your arse together? It's just awful.

Horrendous. Turns out it's about 50-50. Oh, I don't care. Hi, Rosie and Chris. This is a story that only our close friends know, so please keep us anonymous. I met my now-fiancé when we were working in the same office. Every year, the company pays for a company conference,

in brackets, annual piss-up. Ah. We'd only just got together when the conference came up. Just before the conference, I was on my period, and so we didn't think to pack any together when the conference came up Just before the conference I was on my period And so we didn't think to pack any protection For the conference night However, on the morning of the trip I had finished my period

But failed to tell my partner The company had decided to put all the young people in the company In a mansion on the site of the hotel Jesus! Bloody hell! After the dinner and the disco And heavy drinking We made our way back to the mansion we were staying in.

Things got a bit heated between us. We decided to go up to the bedroom he was sharing with his best friend in the company to have some alone time. Things progressed to heavy foreplay and undressing, just as the best friend burst into the room, giving it to her to some of the company managers of the stunning mansion we were in. Brilliant. They swiftly closed the door and left us to it.

You would think that would have killed the mood. It didn't. It didn't, Chris. OK. Brilliant. OK. OK. No fucking way. No chance. Oh, my God, they did it! Oh, my word! You're, like, trying to fuck a shower curtain! Oh, my word! You're like trying to fuck a shower curtain.

I no longer work at the company, but the best friend mentioned in the story is our best man, and I'm terrified that this will be mentioned. Oh, man! Shocking. Sorry, I feel like we've skirted over this. Someone used a shower cap as a makeshift condom. Chris, I went to school with someone who used an empty packet of crisps. In the cemetery.

Why has that just made it a thousand times worse? All of them. So there was a story. A packet of crisps. There was a story going round that somebody got checked. Somebody got checked. I won't have that life. In the cemetery.

I will not have. And they used an empty packet of crisps. Now, as far as school rumours go, I'm calling BS on that. Really? There is no way that someone in your school had sex in a cemetery... In a cemetery. ..with an empty packet of crisps. Empty packet of crisps and a condom.

I don't know. Inside out, hopefully, because that would be salty. I'm sorry, but what kind of girth are you packing if you can fill an empty packet of crisps? No, well, I'm guessing they'll have had to put the crisp packet over and then hold the bottle. Horrible. There is no way on this earth,

there is no way in the world that that happens. So you don't think it'll happen? I will not have it. Nah, I will not have it. Imagine how horrible that would be. Like sticking a fucking tinfoil dildo up you. That would be horrendous and weirdly

because when I heard this story I hadn't had sex so obviously I was just like oh my god but now I'm thinking about it now that I've had sex I'm like that would rip you to shreds oh god Rosie

do you think of a paper cut? oh Rosie yeah oh that's horrendous it's awful you're right I don't think it is true

but you never know it's definitely not true but I can't believe these mingers use a shower cap that's horrendous. You're right, I don't think it is true, but you never know. It's definitely not true, but I can't believe these mingers use a shower cap. That's horrendous. Well, there you go. How... Oh, God. How horny you got to be, man. And can we just say this?

I can't believe... I cannot still believe that hotels provide shower caps. I can't believe it. Why? I just can't believe that it's such a thing that people need so readily. I would love to know how many are used on a daily basis in hotels. Not for sex. I'd love to know how many are genuinely...

I don't think people are using shower caps. I think it's dead. Kate uses a shower cap. Nah. She does. I won't have it. She genuinely does. Nah.

And a nice one, she buys really nice ones. Right, yeah, but not the hotel disposable ones. No. I don't think everyone's using shower caps in hotels. I believe you. And can you not just tie your hair up and angle it? You can angle it so you don't wet your face or hair. Yeah, you really can, actually.

Oh. Don't get upset about it. Honestly, I'm going to start a petition. I feel like we're single-use plastics. Eh? You should put condoms in there instead. Yeah. They really should, actually.

Yeah, hotels. All hotels should have condoms. Babadoo, babadoo, babadoo, babadoo. Hi, guys. Just listening to episode 166 and Chris telling his traumatic story of shitting himself in a hotel room. Yeah, happened.

This reminded me of my mate Lofty. We go on and lads... Sorry, can I just pause it one second there? So that fateful day when I did have a little accident in bed when I wasn't very well, that was in Manchester. I was doing two nights in Manchester. I saw a Twitter conversation on my timeline the other day.

Yeah. Someone put a video up of the guy in the front row who hadn't moved. Oh, yeah. So that story I told, and I retweeted it. And underneath, someone was like, I was there that night. And then someone else was like,

oh, no, I wasn't there that night. I was there the night he chatted himself. Like, it was literally, people were using it as a time reference. Honestly, what is me life? You mentioned it on the end. I know, but it was just like, were you there the night of the guy?

I was there the night he shot himself. Yes, so was I. Fuck's sake. Fair play. You've done it to yourself. Oh no, like fair play. You could have kept it to yourself. I found it hilarious to be fair,

but yeah, just that people are referencing, that's how you remember me gigs now, had he shot himself. Whether he shot himself. Yeah. You could have kept it to yourself. I found it hilarious, to be fair. But, yeah, just that people are referencing... That's how you remember me gigs now. Had he shat himself. Whether he shat himself. Yeah. So, this reminded me of my mate Lofty. We go on a lad's golfing trip every year

at the same place in Portugal. Now, Lofty enjoys his cider a lot. Is Lofty not one of the characters from Ra Ra The Noisy Lion? Ra Ra. Zebby, Crocky, Lofty, ooh-ooh. Oh, I don't know. Is it Lofty not one of the characters from Ra Ra The Noisy Lion? Ra Ra. Zebby, Crocky, Lofty, ooh-ooh. Oh, I don't know. Is it Lofty? Lofty.

Is it the giraffe? Giraffe's called Lofty. Ah. Oh, I can't enjoy this story anymore. Why won't you say that, man? That's good. Love Ra Ra. So Lofty enjoys his cider.

Lofty enjoys his cider a lot, right? A lot-ty. The trip just before COVID hit, we were all having a great time in the 19th hole and Lofty sang easily more than 14 pints of cider.

Disgusting, he must have been burping like a trooper. Awful. The next morning, Lofty was stood at reception with a bundle

of bed linen in his hand and a strong smell of shit and discreetly says to the receptionist, I'm awfully sorry, I've had a little accident

in the night. She replies, not to worry sir, these receptionist, I'm awfully sorry, I've had a little accident in the night. Reception? She replies, not to worry, sir, these things happen. But I'm afraid I'm going to have to charge you 80 euros. Discretion was thrown out of the window as an angry lofty replies, 80 euros? Fuck me, it was 30 euros last year!

LAUGHTER It was 30 euros last year. Oh, God. Can you not price match for the last time I shut the bed? As far as I'm concerned, whatever the going rate for soiling your hotel bed was, you'd pay it just to keep a bit of your dignity. Wow. Imagine that.

Are you kidding? Wow. What? That is so good. That's like something out of a sitcom. That's phenomenal. It's very clever, isn't it? Oh, I love stuff like that.

That's gone up a lot. How badly did he shit the bed that they've put so dirty? Yeah. 40, 50, 60 cents. That's 50. It might be like a point system. You might get, once you've done it once, it might go up. Yeah, 50 euros more than the year before. 80 euros.

Honestly, I'd be straight up to the bath, straight up to the bath, shampoo, get it all cleaned up in the bath. No, I wouldn't. I'd pay that. Oh, my God. Very funny. Wonderful.

Absolutely wonderful. Thank you so much for listening to this week's episode of Shagged Married Annoyed which is part of the Acast Creator Network It is part of the Acast Creator Network Thank you so much for listening you wonderful people We'll be back in the years next week and don't forget we are doing a brand new

Shagged Married Annoyed live tour in Autumn 2023 and the tickets go on sale on Friday the 27th of May for early access Go to shaggedmarriedannoyed.com and sign up with the mailing list. We haven't actually told our parents yet, so if you are listening to this, you'll be having the kids.

You'll be needing for childcare. So don't be booking. We have to tell them the dates because they'll book a holiday. They'll book a holiday. It's unbelievable. So we'll send you the email. So there you go.

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