Sh**ged Married Annoyed - Ep 169. Dacious

Episode Date: May 27, 2022

On this week's podcast the Ramey's discuss their new TV show, a kids party that Rosie attended and how Chris' lack of socks seems to have caused a real stir! They share their beefs which involve an emotional sports day and the QTFP's go veggie and even include a mistaken urinal situation. Become a member at https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. https://plus.acast.com/s/sma. Hosted on Acast. See acast.com/privacy for more information.

You're invited to an immersive listening party led by Rishi Keshe Herway, the visionary behind the groundbreaking Song Exploder podcast and Netflix series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Gimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Center for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. Hello, you're listening to Shag, Married me rosie ramsey and my husband who's just moved my glass an inch further away from my laptop i just don't trust you that it won't spill i just don't trust you because he's a dickhead i just don't trust you it's honestly it's like yeah it's just like an accident and it's weird because i'm sort of flagged up because it's got your monkey blooming

red lipstick around the the rim of it as well so it's just like i don't know red for danger i just i just feel like it's not red it's like it's a it's a nudie pink wow are you colorblind yeah i'm colorblind yeah sorry i'm colorblind can you explain us what color is and also can i just state now for the for the purpose for the purposes of the tape can i just state that she's actually just put it back down in the position where I put it, because you're right, it should be. It's too close to the laptop. It's going to make us sad.

It's going to make us angry. Do the listeners know that only one side of my laptop charges? Oh, yeah. Because of its billage. Yeah, so she's spilled something on her laptop before, and only the port's on one side. The way I remember it is a right's not shite right it's not shite so the right i'll never forgive um apple though for getting rid of the

hdmi they're back they're back on the newer ones and the newer ones they've brought the new usbs and stuff knobs yeah they did that one thing of like it's all just one little hole and you can get loads of adapters i've got six of them adapters i keep losing them so could i send this back could i take this back and say, excuse me, I want that function? No. You'll just have to buy a new one. That's how they do it.

That's how they get you. There's no worse than when they change a phone charger. Oh! Tell us about it. Oh, hey. I had to succumb, you know. Well, you know

because you ordered it for us. Because Sandra blatantly stole. She 100% has got two of them in her house and there's no way she's got one. She stole my charger. The lying slag that she is. So I've just had to buy a new one because it hasn't turned up anyway

shock there's two in her house 25 miles away in south shield there's two in her house and she is adamant that she got one of them from somewhere else but they're both from where else would you got it from she's a liar where else would you have got it honestly i've said it before i said i reckon you should go downstairs and smack her now i'll'll film it for the likes and that, for the views. For the TikTok. Yeah, yeah, to promote the TV show and that. Just go downstairs and fucking chin her. Would you pack it in?

I'm in a cleaning mood, actually, so don't be spilling stuff on your lap. I've just spent about 45 minutes trying to clean a pair of trainers. Oh, with the Ben's old toothbrush head, which I found... Old toothbrush head. It was not enjoyable to watch.

So, right. Honestly, some of the worst stains in the world. I'll tell you right now. I'm going to go on the record here and say the worst possible stain in the world to have on anything is a stain that looks like shit, but isn't shit.

Right. Because if it's a shit stain, you would just get rid of the thing. But there was a stain on the side of my little, the black sort of trainer things and I've got a white sole bit on the side so you can see the sole. And there's a stain on the side of my little the black sort of trainer things and they've got a white sole bit on the side so you can see the sole

and there's a stain on the back and it looks like shit but it's not shit and it won't come off and I've been sitting there with a fucking electric toothbrush and bleach trying to get rid of it

yes I could buy some new trainers but come on we're always throwing stuff away and that like you know I'm trying to I'm trying to fix it but oh my god it won't come off

no you definitely shouldn't buy just clean it why didn't you put them in the washing machine I did put them in the washing machine I did put them in the washing machine yesterday and it's still there

that's the thing people will go it's not shit it's not it's like clay or mud I don't know what it is yeah the worst stain

to have on some trousers on the back of your pants looks like shit but it's not shit do you know what I sat in the other day

shit a yoghurt a yoghurt but luckily I had white trousers on do you know when normally you go well that's going to be a mess but I had white trousers on so you couldn other day? Shit? A yoghurt. A yoghurt? But luckily I had white trousers on. Do you know when normally you go, well, that's going to be a mess, but I had white trousers on so you couldn't see. It was a white yoghurt.

White trousers? When was this? 1981? Excuse me? Eh? Eh? Bloody white trousers. I think this is.

Actually, this was a, so I went to a birthday party. Okay. I've told you about this. I went to a little girl's birthday party. Angela, my best friend, it was her daughter's birthday party. Yeah. Right. She's three.

I'd never been to a little girl's birthday party. Mm boys there yeah right so there was mostly just girls and then there was Noah who's Evie's brother who's like at one yeah and then Rafe who's obviously four what is he now 16 months mother of the year mother of the year born last year in January we're working out so there was only two boys there and they were very small. Oh, sorry. A couple of boys came out around, but anyway. Oh God, no one cares. Sorry.

No. All I'm saying is it was so quiet. It was so relaxed. They were so well behaved. They sat and listened to a story, Chris. Of course they did. That was the party.

That was the best. That was the party. They sat and listened to a story and then they did crafts. Wow. That was the party. Oh my God. And I was like

oh gee are you alright your throat just gurgles like that are you going to vomit because it's such an awful story wish I had a little girl that's so much better well behaved

I swear it was awful and Rafe was just running all over the place carnage yeah it was horrible so you sat in a yoghurt there

sat in a yoghurt but you got over it I was fine because I had white pants on well here we go so is your is your fix to my problem

only wear shit coloured clothes just wear black trainers they are black they've just got a white fucking soul excellent guys thank you so much for listening it is episode 169

169 everyone oh horrible that is honestly painful episode 169 thank you so much for listening, horrible. That is honestly painful. Episode 169. Thank you so much for listening. Without further ado, it's time for this week's lucrative, lucrative sponsor.

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walking through towards the... What's that on the floor? It's a random clump of hair on the swimming pool changing room floor. This week's sponsor is Random Clump of Hair on the Swimming Pool Changing Room Floor. Awful.

Whose hair is it? Why is it a big clump? What happened here? Yeah. What terrible thing happened here? Oh God, your child's picked it up. Oh God, your child's picked it up! Oh God, your child's picked it up! Clump of hair. Awful.

On the swimming pool changing room floor. What clumps come out of your hair? Honestly. No, it could be wet hair in a bobble and you take the bobble out. There was a bobble next to it. There was a bobble next to it. And Robin picked up the bobble. And I screamed at him. He picked up a

bobble in the yard the other day. Honestly, unbelievable. Have I taught on here about, I must have, when during the whole pandemic when we went to

Lightwater Valley and he was much younger, bless him, and he picked up a mask off the floor in the queue for one of the rides and I went,

okay, we're going to the toilet to wash your hands now. I don't remember. God, it was awful. Do you remember that? God,

it was awful. I think I've blocked, honestly. That's the thing, you know, people still being like sort of really germaphobic and stuff now and still being like oh god on it they mustn't have kids because you can't be germaphobic when you've got kids because they're just in and amongst you oh god picked up a bobble at the said party the other day yeah because i i mean it was totally my mistake because he was just being so loud

and aggressive he's our son and I love him and he's not a mistake don't you ever say that again that is not nice well I don't even know what I said

you said it's totally my mistake well this was totally my mistake because he was being loud and a bit aggressive she totally ignored that there by the way I know I know

I'm only trying to thought he hit Angela in the face yeah he hit you in the face he hit my best friend in the face. Yeah, he's rotten. And I was like, oh my God. He's rotten. He was tired, to be fair.

Oh, great. Let's all use that as an excuse, your honour. Oh, sorry, I was knackered. Case dismissed. Kids are allowed to go where they want to be. No, so I was like, you know what? All I can do here is I just fed him, right? Put him in a high chair and I just fed him.

Just stuffed him to the brim because I thought he's just, he won't sit still or whatever. just fed him right put him in a high chair and I just fed him just stuffed him to the brim because I thought he's just he won't sit still whatever I fed him he nearly did and then he went and played

because Angela's a teacher so she brought toys for the babies because that's she's good like that right he vomited on the toys

but it was just sheer he ate too much and so then I had to go and wash the the cubes and that the toys in the bathroom and I was like do you know what I wish I hadn't come I'm so then I had to go and wash the cubes and that and the toys in the bathroom and I was like

do you know what I'm so glad I didn't come to that party that sounds like hell on earth that was horrible meanwhile I took Robin to your sister's house and we sat in the garden

got some pizzas and had a lovely little day I know you did when I rang you you were like stop disturbing us I'm with my family they were not your family

they've always preferred me though they've always preferred me they. They've always preferred me. They're absolutely not. They've just been waiting to make the transition and now all the plan is we just keep you busy with Brie and I'll see them all the time

and then when you're free they're all busy. I sometimes think about this, you know, because obviously, you know, when you're married and that and you've got kids and stuff,

right? What happens, right, if you get on really well with your partner's family, right? What happens if you ever split up well with your partner's family right what happens if you ever split up

who gets the family it all depends how amicable the break up is isn't it such an awkward situation so if you have days for the kids you've got days for the family as well must I don't know there are people out there

who like I know it does happen obviously you just see them at a family party and it's like oh that's my ex-husband at the family love that by the way I'm sure I've been at a gig

I'm sure I've had people at a gig before and an ex-husband has been there with Love that, by the way. I love that. I'm sure I've had people at a gig before and an ex-husband has been there with the new partner and the wife, like, and they've just been our mates still. Love that. That's so nice. Why not? You've spent loads of time with people.

I know, I know. As long as it's not like a toxic breakup and you just, like, hate each other. As long as it's like, oh, do you know what? I think that's nice. And as a child from a, you know, what's it called? Wow. Split up relationship. As a child called wow split up relationship

as a child from a split up relationship right I'm going to give you some clues as to what you're trying to say because you're trying to stug on the

heartstrings here and you can't even think of the actual what is it you're a child from a that's been fixed but it was broken

from a broken home there we go that's what I meant to say there we go okay so as a child from a broken home yeah no one's got any sympathy for you now

because you couldn't even pluck that phrase up. And I was like, I was 20. Yeah, you're not a child from, you're an adult from a broken home. Yeah. I had a lovely childhood. Okay. Some of what I can remember of it.

Brilliant. Yeah. Good. Should we play the jingle? I just remember, you know when you look at a picture and you go, oh, that was a nice day,

but you can't remember the day, you just remember the picture. Yes. And you go, oh, I remember that, and that go oh that was a nice day but you can't remember the day you just remember the picture and you go oh I remember that and that's it or a video they only started

when I was about nine though because my auntie Joanne got a camera I was thinking about this in the shower I was thinking about this in the shower there are no photos of me

as a teenager that exist anyway a couple of people from school now and then will post one or send us one I don't have any I had loads of spots,

didn't I? I didn't like my photo getting taken. Aww. But there's none that exist made of a teenager and literally, probably from like

16, 17, 18, there'll be a few that me mates still have of like Kodak cameras were taught on holidays and stuff. Teenagers now, there's fucking

thousands of photos of them. Oh God, I know. Thousands and thousands and people out there now that can literally go, like the grand Oh, God, I know. Thousands and thousands. People out there now, they can literally go, like the grandkids, Grandma, come and look at some photos of you when you were younger. How long you fucking got? How long you got?

Because I've got 40 fucking hard drives here with 300 fucking selfies per folder. What day do you want? God, what time of what day do you want? Goodness me. The thing I don't get at the minute is the pictures of the teenagers with the word cute

wrote all over the face. It's like a filter. I think it's a filter on Snapchat or something. There's probably some kind of political movement behind it. Don't start trying to understand all this.

What do you mean? No, I just find it weird. I don't know. I don't know anything about it so I don't want to start slagging it off because it's normally coming from something

really, really sad. Because there's something and then what they do is they go rate my sad. Because there's something and then what they do is they go, rate my picture and I'll rate yours and then all they do is rate each other's pictures

as in like, you look nice. It's very strange. I mean, it's spreading positivity I suppose. It is quite nice. I couldn't have been

asked for that. I could have done with some fucking filters to get rid of all the spots on my face to be fair. God, it was awful. Annoyingly, it would have been

right up my street when I was a kid. Oh God, yeah. I'd have loved it. Imagine me on TikTok. Oh God. 13 year old me. You wouldn't have to ride

my coattails. You'd have already been a megastar. TikTok megastar. I'd have left school for TikTok. Oh, 100%. You'd be like,

Mom, Dad, I'm TikTok famous. I'm not doing my GCSEs. Ring the headmaster. I'm not going back. Thanks for tuning in guys. This is me live streaming not doing my GCSEs ring ring the headmaster I'm not going back thanks for tuning in guys this is me live streaming me feeling my GCSEs live

look at that blank bit of paper I'm not even writing on it look at that make sure to like and subscribe play the jingle however we're banged on long enough here's the jingle we had a fight about the jingle

jingle we couldn't settle on a jingle, jingle. So this is the jingle, jingle. We hope you like the jingle, jingle. Babadoo babadoo babadoo bap. Jingle! Hello and welcome back to Shag Married Annoyed with the longest introduction of any podcast of all the podcasts. They're getting fucking longer. They're getting longer. Who cares man? Honestly, I feel like Daisy's just going to start dropping the jingling halfway through with Pata and just, and then let me go back through. I don't think it matters because I listen to a lot of podcasts, but not all of them have introductions. Yeah, no.

They're just cracked straight up. They want to get straight to the fucking murder and the gore, don't they? There's no introductions. It's like, welcome. And she was hanging from her tits. I don't know. I don't know. I'd listen to that one. There's some good ones at the minute, actually.

But I'm also, there's a new series of Below Deck. So I'm watching that. We've started watching Are You The One again. I love Are You The One. It's fucking fantastic. Brilliant. It's fantastic. Honestly.

It's just how much they buy into the bullshit. They're like, oh my God, I'm just so unlucky in love and I'm here to find love. Nope, nope. You're a shagger and you're here to get on the telly and get my Instagram followers. Don't fucking lie. But you know what?

I'm going to watch it. Oh, it's such good TV. They meet them for a day and they're like, I just want to follow my heart. You know what I mean? I love him so much. I love with you. I mean, I felt so bad last night

because one, I don't know what episode it was, but there was a guy crying. It's from a series four. He was literally bawling his eyes out. But the reason he was crying was so stupid i did feel really bad because i was literally pointing at the telling and laughing like nelson from the simpsons oh because he wasn't a match with the girl who he'd known for 45 seconds yeah yeah it's fucking amazing it was because he was i don't know what was really it was really massive and muscly as well and i know that you know boys cry and i'm not you know it was it was it was

pathetic what he was annoyed about And he was pissed But yeah There we go It was very very funny Such a good programme I love shit like that You know Just love it Speaking of good programmes

Yes Speaking of good programmes Yes This week we had Martin and Shirley Kemp On the Chris and Rosie Ramsey show On our programme So good

Good segue Martin Kemp Fucking hell I hope That age I had What a dude Oh my god I thought your nana Was going to start

Humping his leg In the corridor Yeah They were very excited all my family came down in their defence they didn't know

it was going to be him they didn't until we got there but I mean Jesus they couldn't have been more excited yeah auntie

at one point I said oh she said where's Rosie I said oh she'd just been in the makeup room talking to Martin Kemp

and she went you're talking to him and I went he's on my chat show like i've got to fucking talk to him at some point like what what am i gonna what am i gonna do you've been talking to him yeah i that's that's why he's here that's usually the the whole crack tell you what they keep we're grounded chris oh they really keep we're grounded don't they really do yeah but oh my, it was such a good episode. There was such good, big shout out to Martin Shirley

for being such a good sport. Shirley's gorgeous as well. Lou Sanders. Mm-hmm. We nearly killed her reading out the stories. I know. From the public. She literally nearly vomited all over.

Guys, if you haven't seen it, go on iPlayer and watch it. I couldn't breathe for laughing. I have not seen you laugh like that. I thought I was going to die. For a long, long time. I thought I was goinger and watch it I couldn't breathe for laughing I have not seen you laugh like that I thought I was going to die for a long long time I thought I was going to die and I couldn't contain my excitement

I was up and I was running around and then I got to the point where I thought she was joking and then she did it so much that I'm just like lying backwards and just screaming they've cut so much

of my laugh now because it was just obnoxious did they get rid of it? yeah they had to edit it down because I was laughing for ages and to be fair she's in quite a bit of distress and I'm just like had to edit it down because I was laughing for ages and to be fair she's in quite a

bit of distress and I'm just like ahhh oh god Shannon Freud that's what that's called just fantastic

and we've got to talk about the blanket oh my god the blanket oh my god what was her name again Lucy

I'm sure that was Lucy poor Lucy what the fuck the fumes that came off it man years of sweat and tears

and all kinds if you haven't watched it 22 year old 21 or 22 year old blanket she had it from when she was born it wasn't a blanket it wasn't it was it oh it was just disgusting looked like a nest of noodles yeah yeah yeah yeah it looked like a handful of noodles oh my god if you haven't seen it go watch it on ipad it's unbelievable so one thing that has really confused me this week, it used to happen when I was on the one show now and then, but it happened so much on our show. I wore loafers for the first episode of the show.

I've wrote this down to address actually. I've wore loafers for the first episode and I've wore loafers before. I wasn't aware that you're supposed to wear socks with loafers. I don't understand why people think. Basically, they're not a full leather loafer right like what you what i used to wear for school i swear loafers for school they're like they're almost like a wickery there's gaps in the loafer it's like a woven leathery wickery summer shoe yeah and just i mean i've they did it now and then on the one show but you know people watching tv at that time and complaining about everything you go okay i'm not really gonna teach

you but our actual fans are like ah put some socks on one woman was like put some socks on so we don't have to look at your ankles i'm like what the fuck's going honestly rosie people are acting like i've got me arsehole out on Blue Peter. I know. Sorry. Here's one I made earlier. Hey! Oh, great bit of business. Thank you. Well done, you.

Yeah, I don't understand it personally, but then our stylist... She was raging. I think it's a north-south divide. Right. Because she said that... But then again, we spoke to Nihal.

Yeah. From Radio 5. Radio 5. And he couldn't get over that he didn't have socks. So actually, no, maybe he's not. I just don't know if everyone is aware

that it is a woven... There's gaps. You could see me foot through the loafer. So for instance, if I put a bright white fucking sock on, you would have been able to see little white spots

on the loafer. I don't know why I'm on the loaf I don't know why I'm defending myself I don't know why this is going on for so long let's put it this way if I was wearing them I wouldn't have wore socks

exactly in order to say the fucking thing women here's the sexism in it women wear shoes and sandals and stuff with no socks all the time but apparently

I've got to have socks left right and centre fucking morph suits back off high ankles it's lovely summery oh yes someone else was like wear trousers long enough

as well so they go what so the trousers go all the way down to my lofa even when I'm sitting down like fucking disco stew shut up man

I don't know what's going on I think it's just something people have got a hold of and now they can't they can't one show one show gets genuine complaints when one of the hosts

doesn't have socks on ridiculous genuine complaints like I don't pay I don't pay my licence fee to look at sockless men. So at the risk of

making this like Chris and Rosie's TV review week podcast, I think we'll have to mention the sausage mixer from last week's Taskmaster. You can't mention what other jobs on

the main job. All I'm saying is, right, a lot of people are interested in how i came up with the idea of the sausage mixer well you have to explain for people because not everybody's watching taskmaster so if you haven't seen taskmaster right oh master master but then people think we're posh it's gonna be loafers and socks again people are gonna be like why are you saying master how do you think you are it's just where we're from we'll say master and we'll say

plaster and i don't know why but yeah so so basically the task was to do anything with a cement mixer apart from mixed cement. Yeah. So I got two sticks, put them in, and then put two ribbons on the sticks, and then for some reason put sausages on the ribbons, and then I had to spin it around and try and catch the sausage in your mouth. Yeah. And I thought it was a brilliant idea until they turned the sausage,

until the sausage machine, until, well, it is a sausage machine now. It was, yeah. They turned it on, Rosie, the fucking speed of it. So what you see on well it is a sausage machine it was yeah they turned it on Rosie the fucking speed of it so what you see on the TV is a slower version because they managed they got the electrician to route it through

like a transformer wow so it went at a slower current or something a lower current and it slowed it down fucking hell so fast

unbelievable like you know if a bird fucking zoomed past you in public like faster than that like these sausages just lashing round what made you come up with that i'm i had sausages that morning they got they went and got us it from this cafe from my breakfast and when you've been on taskmaster for that long

that was one of my last days all right you're just thinking like them right okay and you're just and you're cutting you're going to know what what this would have been something i would never have considered you a week ago two weeks ago but i was like i two sausages and a cement mixer and some sticks fucking yeah bang on bring it on game bring it on and we actually i went to someone's house the other day and i had swing ball and it that reminds us a little bit of that but i want to get one for the garden because i think what sausage sausage mean no a swing ball a swing ball okay we could make a sausage machine bloody lovely sausages then by the way well they Well, they look nice, to be fair. They did look nice.

Chop them in half, a bit of white bread, a bit of tomato sauce. Brown sauce for me, babes. No, no, no. Yeah. Okay, then. Well, you've got to catch them first

or you can't have any. No. Listen, I hate to talk sharp again. It's all we've done, this podcast. But the Arena Tour 2023. It's on sale now. It is on general sale now the arena tour

we can't wait to get back out on the road Rosie those arena shows were the best nights out I've ever had in my life dare I say some of the

yeah I'm the same I've been chasing that dragon I've been chasing that dragon I've been trying to recreate them have nights out go for drinks all kinds

clubs making a fool of myself I can't do it it's on sale now guys can't wait next year next year 2023 I keep thinking it's this year and I'm like oh shit what am I going to wear but it's not kinds, clubs, making a fool of myself. I can't do it. It's on sale now, guys. Can't wait. Next year? Next year. 2023. I keep thinking it's this year and I'm like, oh shit, what am I going to wear? But it's not.

Oh God, I look forward to that again. See you there. Oh man, you used to take so long to get ready. We're going to have to have a word about that actually. No need. Awful. It's time for What's Your Beef? What is your beef? Oh, more TV talk.

Bloody Barry's on the telly. Barry's on the telly. Barry the Butcher. Little tinker that he is. Unbelievable. Can't believe he shoehorned his way into our show. Do you know I can't take you seriously

when you're dressed as Barry? I know. Didn't I shout at you the other day by accident because I just thought you were just some bloke? You got really short with us. I got short with you for a second and I was like, I'm so sorry

but when you're dressed as Barry I've got no respect for you whatsoever the thing I find really quite funny but also a bit offensive

how everybody on the set reacts to it they're literally disgusted I come out and they go oh my god

oh my god and I'm like Jesus I've only put some eyeliner on my lips like it's still me this is very much me no honestly they hate it it's because you get little and the little the

butchers hat's weird and the little jacket and that you just become this little weird horrible oh he's awful he's oh i've had it the other day what you don't see is what else i've got on underneath and i had a maxi dress on with a butcher's overall thing and then a pinny at the front and I just looked, I looked like an old dinner lady. It was an awful dinner lady with a moustache. An old dinner lady

who'd been waxed on the top lip for a while and then just give up. Just thought, oh, look, I only work in a school with just kids. Brilliant.

I used to think that all the time when I worked in schools because I was like I don't need to wear any makeup it's just kids wow do you know what I mean

yeah yeah just keep refreshing brilliant I was like I don't need to dress nice there's only bands they don't care I don't care what you wear

and how old do you think your teacher is Harry 104 she's hideous mammy she's hideous oh did I dream this? Oh, here we go.

This is good. I think I've dreamt it. Okay. Come on. Let me be the judge of this. A little while ago, I told you that somebody thought I was 40. Yes.

And I was like, I'm not. Someone just said, you must be 40. Yeah. How old are you? 40. And I went,

35. Brilliant. Thank you very much. Somebody else did it, but I think I might have dreamt it. Oh, shit. Anyway, can't remember. Cool, so tune in next week for more of Rosie's Half-Remembered Bollocks.

It's Rosie's Half-Remembered Bollocks. Ba-ba-ba-bollocks. Did you dream it? Did you not? Who knows? No conclusion. Absolute cack. My dreams are so vivid.

Literally wasting your life. Oh, God, what? No, they're just really vivid at the minute because, because obviously Rafe is the clingiest motherfucker in the world. You just call your baby a motherfucker? He's an absolute clingy motherfucker. He is. That's awful, isn't it? Sorry.

Wow. So he's in my bed, obviously. You're in the spare bed. Our bed. It's not your bed anymore, is it, though? It really isn't. It's really not. It really isn't.

Do you know he cries if I move my head away? He cuddles me, and I'm talking two arms around my neck, face, I mean, it's lush, but then it hurts my neck because he's all over us and I'm on the end of the bed. And my dreams are so vivid because I don't think I'm actually fully asleep at any point during the night. Right, so you're like half awake, half asleep.

So I'm half awake, half asleep. So I'm just... You're awake and thoughts are sort of becoming dreams. Yeah, so now I'm like, did somebody else call us 40? But I don't think they did. I think it was a dream. I'm sure loads of people think you're awake and thoughts are sort of becoming dreams so now I'm like did somebody else call us 40 but I don't think they did I think it was a dream I'm sure loads of people

think you're 40 now ladies first what's your beef okay alright okay my beef with you

currently is that you keep calling Robin and Rafe boy in a sentence like they're in some sort of

Victorian workhouse and it's awful and I feel I feel like i might have said it before right i don't think you don't have a not no okay you've been doing it for a while it really pisses off right like so right okay so robin are you what do you want for tea boy that's what you say boy you call him boy do you know this do you do you realize this yeah but it's like a cool dad thing when you're in for tea boy boy come here boy

you boy what day is it that's it it is it's Charles Dickens is that Charles Dickens fuck I don't know Muppet

Christmas car is it Charles Dickens right your brain no listen everyone her brain your brain is fucking fascinating because you went right because you need to have more confidence in yourself right because it is charles dickens well you went straight in i want you boy and you went and obviously i was quoting a christmas carol

but you went straight in with charles dickens the author of christmas carol meaning literally the perfect answer because here's the man who wrote that dialogue right then you panicked and went oh Muppets like are you fucking are you stupid

what the hell's wrong with you I haven't got much like don't know I don't think I'm right then very often hence why I turn down a lot of game shows

did you just drop a hence into this sentence hence what a crazy yeah what a crazy word to drop in while telling everyone you're not clever.

I am a little bit clever. It's just I haven't got much conviction. I don't have much conviction. I'm sorry. I'm totally moving this water to my side of the thing now because you've,

oh my God, you've nearly knocked it over like five times. Pack it in. Encouraging your conviction is what you need. Do you not know encouraging my conviction?

I've got a new word at the minute. Is it hence? No. Oh God, you've got two new words. I've got a new word at the minute. Is it hence? No. Oh God, you've got two new words. I've been using hence for years. No, you haven't. Archaic. Archaic.

I have not. I've said that a couple of times. I have used that twice today. I know, I know. Oh, right. Okay. So, archaic. I love it.

I really like it. Once I find a word I like, I'll use it a lot. What does it mean? Stuck in the past. Like old. Yeah. You panicked though, didn't you? I did a little bit, yeah. It is, isn't it?

Or cake. Yeah, yeah, like, yeah. What's the word that you think me and my mum have made up? Dacious. Dacious, yeah. It is a word. It's not. So if you think it's short for audacious,

it doesn't work. It doesn't make sense. But you said that, you said it was because Robin, whenever Robin was like really like clumsy and just like really dangerous your mammy says was giedacious that kid and i was like i'm sure that's not a word what is dacious audacious is british english audacious recklessly bold or daring fearless so it's it's just a shortened down of audacious she's shortened it herself she's literally audacious no you can't just say she

used to say is geat dacious meaning geat uh guys uh everyone who's not from the northeast geat is essentially a geordie uh slang for very in this case so he's she would be like he's very dacious he's dacious and i was like do you mean audacious she was like no dacious like sort of clumsy and not scared of stuff i was like i don't think that's a word i will and i said the thing is rave's really really um cautious or just as she's probably gonna put it down now or cautious he's get cautious and he is actually if he's so cautious our rave but that's r Rafe is very, very cautious, whereas Robin just bounded ahead.

But then again, when Robin was five, we found out that he couldn't really see very well. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So he's been bland for most of his life. But I think Rafe's all right. Yeah. Hey, look, there are a couple of good boys. Now.

Can you stop? It's really awful. Boy? All right, boy. I'm like, come here, boy. I do say come here, boy sometimes. Come here, boy. Okay, then.

Fair enough, fair enough. Do you want to hear how it might be for you? Yeah, go on, then. Short and sweet. Probably wasn't your fault, but I was a bit embarrassed and it annoyed us. We went to sports day the other day. What?

You cried at every race. Every single race of every single... Not just our kids' races, not just the races Robin did, every class, every race that every class

and every year group did, they got to the finish line and Rosie was crying her eyes out. Why is that a beef? It was, it was just, you made a scene, man. It was,

honestly, people would have thought you were on a fucking comedown after a heavy night out. Were you genuinely embarrassed by that? I couldn't stop, I couldn't help myself.

Weren't even my kids. Honestly, some of them in the net i didn't know the names never seen them before in my life i find it really emotional oh god i'm a mess i was like for fuck's sake oh don't oh i can't help it help it. I cry at Christmas carol concerts. What was Christmas carol concerts? Especially that one. Especially Muppets ones, yeah, yeah. Oh, it was really emotional.

It was dead nice. The Geek Canyon, man. It's not really a beef. I just found it really funny that year. Anyone else cried? Obviously not very nice people. None of them cried. But you know what the problem is?

They're bloody archaic, eh? Hence why they didn't cry. High five. Hey. Well done. Wrapped bloody archaic. Hence why they didn't cry. High five. Hey. Well done. I don't have a nice little board in me. Let's crack on. By the way, they are nice people.

I don't mean that. It sounds awful. They are very nice. Not being in touch with their emotions, though, are they? Or maybe they are and they don't have to burst into fucking tears every time a child Did they cry for their own kids? Don't think any of them did, actually. No?

It's embarrassing. Oh, gosh. Did I cry for Robin? That would be weird if you didn't. No of them did actually no it's embarrassing oh gosh did I cry for Robin? that would be weird if you didn't no I did you did very well you won one

you won one came second twice and came third once we thought he was going to lose them all because he's not the fastest for another lesson but which one did he win?

the dressing up one the dressing up race you had to run and put loads of fancy dress on and keep running because he's from a theatre background darling as if our kid wins the dress up race you had to run and put loads of fancy dress on and keep running because he's from a theater background darling as if our kid wins the dress up race go on son you're invited to an immersive listening party led by rishi keshe her way the visionary behind

the groundbreaking song exploder podcast and net series. This unmissable evening features Herway and Toronto Symphony Orchestra music director Gustavo Jimeno in conversation. Together, they dissect the mesmerizing layers of Stravinsky's The Rite of Spring, followed by a complete soul-stirring rendition of the famously unnerving piece, Symphony Exploder. April 5th at Roy Thompson Hall. For tickets, visit tso.ca. Will you rise with the sun to help change mental health care forever? Join the Sunrise Challenge to raise funds for CAMH, the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health,

to support life-saving progress in mental health care. From May 27th to 31st, people across Canada will rise together and show those living with mental illness and addiction that they're not alone. Help CAMH build a future where no one is left behind. So, who will you rise for? Register today at sunrisechallenge.ca. That's sunrisechallenge.ca. This Friday...

You must be very careful, Margaret. It's a girl. Witness the birth... Bad things will start to happen. Evil things. Of evil. It's time for It's not real. It's not real. Who said that? The First Omen. Only in theatres Friday. Get tickets now. It's time for questions from the public. Questions from the public. Public, public, public, public, public, public, public.

I've had to do all that myself now because you've changed it. Happy Jubilee. Can I fucking speak? Oh, you're doing a Queen. It's the Queen's Jubilee. One is very excited for the Queen's Jubilee. Error. That's a rock that's horrible what is the one word

that she says on the crown that I love and it's the only time that I can do a posh accent she says it's like it's a door

like door can't remember they do it in Downton as well there's one word where you go that's that's more than posh that's like

pure RP yeah I can't remember what it is. I remember you saying it when we watched The Crown. In fact, I remember it being one of the reasons I was glad we stopped watching The Crown

because you weren't walking around the house saying it all the time. And now I can't remember it. I thought, I'm glad that's gone. And now you can't remember it. That's so annoying. Even if it comes back to my head, if you think I'm going to...

Could I Google it? No. No. You can't Google it. It was an everyday word that was said so posh that it was just... It was almost like posh. Like it was weird. It was weird, wasn't it? Yeah. Weird the way't Google it. It was an everyday word that was said so posh that it was just... It was almost like posh.

Like it was weird. Like oof. Yeah. Weird the way they said that. Was it cloak? No. Jesus. Dirk.

Painful. Guys, just try loads of words. Go on, keep going. Keep trying all the words. Kitchen. It was like oof. Oof or something like that. Oh, yeah.

Oh, yes, yes. Oof. What time are we... Oof. It was off. Was itof Oh yeah Oh yes yes Ew What time are we Oof It was off Was it off That'll be Ew I'm oof

I'm oof Yeah it was I'm oof I'm oof I'm oof We all done yeah I'm off I don't know if she said that No she did at some point

No no no Yes yes that's me I'm done I'm oof Nah I don't think so And you're doing it terribly as well You sound like you're saying Egg in French Oof Oof Anyway look guys If you want to get in touch at shag mind annoyed at gmail.com

right hi chris and rosie hi long time listener first time caller oh caller i decided an old radio phrase yes i think so i decided to write in because i've been inspired by some of the recent stories on the podcast about people eating weird things in public although this is of a slightly different ilk okay one new year's eve a few years ago my wife and I were out celebrating with a group of friends in our local area the night was going really well and everybody came back to ours for an after party the drinks were flowing lovely my wife opened a nice bottle of gin she was saving for new year and decided to make everyone a g and t beautiful sounds like a nice night i feel i feel like i'm missing out i know i feel like i want to be there it says here disaster oh we didn't have any ice cubes right disaster but my ingenious wife said i know i've got some

mixed frozen fruit in the freezer i use for smoothies it'll go really well okay good idea good idea but apparently if you freeze grapes they're lovely to put into wine right yeah because yeah well our son has just made a tray of orange juice ice cubes So that when he puts them in his orange juice It doesn't die like his orange juice He's so clever Oh my god it's going to be genius It's going to be like an engineer He's like so clever

So so clever Everyone was now enjoying their fruity gin and tonics When a short while later My mate held up a fleshy yellow thing He pulled out of his glass And said What's this? Oh god

Upon closer inspection We could see that the frozen pineapple, quotation, was a bit squishy and had shiny scales. Fuck off. Dot, dot, dot, dot. It was a piece of haddock. Oh! That's fucking disgusting. Oh, that's fucking disgusting.

Oh, no. I guess it was just a cube, not a full. Yeah. Everybody else then checked their drinks and found other pieces of fish and prawns floating around. Oh. The bag of frozen fruit had turned out to be fish pie mix. Fish pie mix.

Have you not seen them in the in the in the supermarket oh pissed were you oh fucking pissed were you well I've thought about this

so fish pie mix Chris fish pie mix is like had a cod and something else so it's like white and so it could be like mango

and do you know what I mean like oranges or whatever that's my fucking worst nightmare oh i mean i'm not a massive fan of gin as it is but gin with a load of fish a load of frozen fish get off get out of here listen to this it was absolutely disgusted but private but disgusting but provided a good laugh most of the party goers weren't put off and continued to use the fish pie mix as ice cubes for the rest of the night

fucking dirty bastards being hung over the next day and having to clean up soggy fish pie mix from all over the house made me gag oh nah

oh nah that's horrendous and it says and the fish pie we had the following week was extremely sweet and citrusy joke

it's a joke yeah it's a good joke good joke well done did you enjoy that brilliant that absolutely brilliant oh my god label label your freezer guys label your freezer use your fucking eyes Good joke, well done. Did you enjoy that? Brilliant, that. Absolutely brilliant. Oh, my God. Label.

Label your freezer, guys. Label your freezer. Use your fucking eyes. It's fucking fishing. There's a prawn. Oh, look at this. Look at this bit of pear. It's shaped like a prawn.

That's a prawn, mate. Put it back. Hey, Rosie and Chris. Started listening 10 days ago and I'm caught up now. Jesus. It says, I laughed rolling along in my wheelchair at the fun stories.

Cool. Before I ended up paralysed, I was an ICU nurse and had also worked in A&E. So many stories. Oh, wow. Please, obviously, don't say my name. Yes. Say my name, say my name.

Don't say my name. Yeah, we never will. When no one is around, you don't say my name. Oh, my God. Stop it. Stop it. What, we never will. When no one is around, you don't say my name. Oh my God, stop it. Stop it. What? Just stop it.

Annoyed at how fucking on board our entire TV production team are you singing, by the way. Don't say my name. Yeah, we'll get it. We'll get it. What I'm saying is I'm annoyed at how much the full team are on board with you singing each show. On the show. Starting to do the tits in now. You do more rehearsal for your song than we do for the actual show. Don't say that.

I choose the song on the day. I don't even know the words. And then the bloody, when they tell us, you're not allowed, people won't know this. You're not allowed to mess up any words on TV. Yeah, if you change your words, they can't lose the song. You have to say the exact same words of that song.

So you can imagine the actual pressure on me. So just know when you watch the show tonight, I don't look behind us because I'm looking at that auto cue. I don't give anyone. This comes out on a Friday. You're a little beat on on Monday.

All right. But you said when you watch the show tonight. Oh my God. When you watch the show, whenever. Why are you so... You're so bad with lyrics. I know I am.

It kills us. It's really stressful. One Friday night in E.D. In brackets, A&E. What does that mean? E.D.? I don't know. It was relatively quiet.

The word we never say. Oh, okay. You mustn't be able to... Yeah, jinx it. Yeah. A patient then appeared walking a little like John Wayne. Here we go. He sheepishly said,

I was putting my shopping away and I was really exhausted and so I sat on the couch and I think I've sat on something and it's stuck in me bum. Shut up. Shut up. So tired.

Trying not to laugh and after the other nurses and docs guessing what may be there, the patient was taken for an x-ray. The object looked very oddly shaped, and there was potential for this man to end up in surgery. He said, I think it was a vegetable I sat on.

I think it was a vegetable I sat on. Listen to the rest. Once the patient was given some diazepam to relax, one of the doctors assessed him and was sure they would be able to extract the object from his colon, in brackets bowel via his rectum without surgery sorry, we, sorry

personal wrote this in, thank you so much for getting in touch and sending this in, but don't be giving us brackets bowel we do shag my noise, we know exactly what a colon is right, check yourself it's a semi, semi colon check your privilege, don't ruin it so so they're gonna

they don't need surgery okay woo woo no surgery fantastic saves the NHS a few quid yeah as on examination

it felt smooth and was unlikely to damage his bowel as it was removed gracious what is this as the patient lay with his knees

to his chest he began to push as the doctor retrieved said item imagine if the nurse is holding his knees to his chest, he began to push as the doctor retrieved said item. Imagine if the nurse is holding his hand going, is that, is that, just think you'll have your beautiful vegetable soon.

Live your life with your beautiful vegetable. Yeah, there's a thought that I've never had. Sorry, I'm just laughing. Imagine the photographer comes round to take a picture Of the vegetable The little hat on Sorry

Why are we doing it in this room I asked for a water birth There's a thought Why don't people Just push them out What do you mean All these people With stuff on their arse

Why don't you just push it out As if you're having a shit Because it They might not be smooth Right okay Ah right okay Okay so there's an overhang. You could, like,

if you stuck a barbie up your arse, right, it would go in quite smoothly. I wish. That'd be the day. No, but listen. Wish I had that kind of time on my hands. If you stuck a barbie in your arse, it would go in quite smoothly

because it would go head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes. Great. Rave knows head, shoulders, knees and toes. Oh, great. I hope that's not how you taught him. Say, there's barbie, son. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Daddy stuck that up his arse. No, so you stick it in, doesn't even know oh great I hope that's not how you taught him no see this Barbie son daddy stuck that

up his arse no so you stick it in but imagine bringing it out it would be feet hands the hands were the thing

she would end up doing like a bloody corkscrew yeah so right so he's on his back knees to his chest

yep full room of people yep trying to shit out a vegetable that he's quote unquote accidentally sat on.

Yeah. What a life. So apparently the patient said... Sorry, do you not think this is their moments though? Sorry to interrupt again. Do you not think this is their moments where you sit lying on your back?

Do you not remember that next time you go to stick something that isn't intended to be up and on? Why doesn't everyone just go and buy a dildo? I don't know. Buy one with a big fucking handle on it. Buy one with a rope on it

and tie the rope to something, a radiator. Tie buy one with a big fucking handle buy one with a rope on it and tie the rope to something a radiator tie the rope to a radiator in your house and put it up and then if it gets stuck just walk away from the radiator

let the rope go tight and push a bit and let it pop back out I've thought this through stop going to the hospital to get stuff taken out of your arses can I be totally honest with you

yeah right I think part of the reason that it's random objects is because they're too embarrassed to buy a dildo right okay but then they have to go to hospital which is 100 million times worse listen get yourself down the a1 jump in a car down the a1 i don't specifically know where there's a random sex shop on the a1 i think it's

northbound uh somewhere down sort of sheffield you know it's not not she Somewhere down sort of Sheffield. No, not Sheffield. Sort of Yorkshire-y way. Get yourself to that. Totally anonymous. Wear a cap. Pair of glasses. Put a fucking face mask on as well if you want.

Go in. Buy yourself a dildo. Get yourself home. Stop at the fish and taco shop. Couple of metres of rope. Oh, Jesus. Anyway, how are you? I think you can get them on.

You can buy stuff online that's anonymous. Ah, but then, you know, you're always worried that's going to come on your bank account, isn't it? Do you know what I mean? on, you can buy stuff online that's anonymous. Ah, but then, you're always worried that's going to come on your bank account, isn't it? Do you know what I mean?

Oh, I don't know. It's like, it's called something like, do you know what I mean? You know, MrExecutive.com or something and then it comes on your bank statement

and it's like, bigfatarseplugs.com one arse plug please and your accountant's like, what's all this? And he goes, what's all this? It's business expense.

And you go, eh, what's your job like? But he tests and the arse plugs out. I don't know. It's not something I thought about.

That's all just off the top of my head. Yeah. So, right, okay, the patient is lying on his back, knees in the air, having his vegetable.

The patient said, I just fell on it. It's, it's an aubergine. No. That's an eggplant for our American listeners. American listeners, yeah. You can imagine the surprise to all of us staff

when the aubergine was removed, dot, dot, dot, and it was inside a condom. I just slipped. I was so tired. I was exhausted. I fucking knew you were going to say that. Did you? I knew you were going to say that. Did you? I knew you were going to say that.

Not that anyone believed it was an accidental fall. We then had a giggle as a very straight-faced colorectal surgeon. What a job. Wow, so it's someone's specific job. What a fucking waste of money on the NHS. Already at the brim. Who picks that at uni? I will do it.

I will retrieve the arse items. Doctor. But he went very straight faced. He asked him, do you store all your vegetables in condoms? Brilliant. Do you store all your vegetables in condoms? Wonderful.

Oh, oh no. I remember laughing so much the whole shift and we were all having fun talking about it. The patient was absolutely Wonderful. Oh, oh no. I remember laughing so much the whole shift and we were all having fun talking about it. The patient was absolutely fine. Oh, thank God. He left that night refusing to stay overnight

as his wife would be home from the gym soon. Brilliant. Wow. Fantastic. If you, if you ever, right? If you ever. Let me rephrase that.

No one. I love aubergines. If I ever got a phone call from you and you were in the hospital because you'd stuck an aubergine up your backside I'd leave you there and then honestly if you ever want to get rid of me

hoist something up your arse and tell me to come pick you up and there'll be no one coming for you do you know who I will get to come for you one of your sons stick aubergine up is the phone call from the hospital no one coming for you do you know who I will get to come for you one of your sons I stick aubergine up

is the phone call from the hospital a deal breaker what do you mean if you get a phone call from the hospital can I just get an aubergine stuck up my arse

and go to the hospital and get it and then just come home and be like oh sorry traffic no it has to be you could disguise it alright okay

what's happening I'm just trying to write this down so I don't get in bother for future reference. Oh, no. I mean, the sticking of the thing

up the bum. Weirdly, I could forgive that if you weren't hospitalised. Right, okay. It's the sheer embarrassment of the hospitalisation that would tear us apart

to be honest with you. Okay, there we go. Really good content for the podcast. Tell you what, you know what I mean, I'm not the biggest of guys. Aubergine,

tear me apart, never mind you I mean, I'm not the biggest of guys. Aubergine, tear me apart, never mind you. Oh gosh. So we've just had a little break. Chris is getting all comedian-y. This is what comedians do. Well there's a story, yeah,

there's a story on Ricky Tracy's stand-up about a ketchup bottle with a condom on it and that was going to be my guess when I said I bet he's put a condom on it but I imagine people have done that quite a lot for lubrication purposes and stuff. yeah,

they do put condoms on it. And so you don't have an aubergine, baby. Obviously. You don't want an aubergine STD. Don't know what's on that. Hi. Hi. Hi.

I was listening to your recent podcast about urinals. God. Fuck knows when that was. Don't remember. And it made me remember a story from our honeymoon in Sri Lanka a few years ago wow okay must have been a great honeymoon

of urinals sort of sparks sparks an idea brilliant well I remember not on our honeymoon we went to Turkey our honeymoon

I've never been no no for a different holiday have we been to Turkey oh yeah with my mum and dad and that yeah

do you remember there was no toilet it was just the hall oh yeah no there's loads and dad and that yeah yeah yeah do you remember the do you remember the there was no toilet it was just the hole oh yeah no there's loads of companies do that yeah yeah yeah i forgot that yeah honestly that's the best way to poo you know yeah it's because it doesn't bend your shvita just so you know we're doing it all wrong yeah we are we are that's why some people have a little step at the bottom of the toilet sometimes you know if you've got a little kid who needs to step on a step when robin had that little step to step on, I had some of the smoothest poos of my life during that. Yeah, it's fantastic.

So sometimes toilet things can remind you of a holiday. Okay, well, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. We had a tour guide for the duration of the holiday, who each day would pick us up from our hotel, drive us around all the various places of interest, before returning us back to the hotel in the afternoon.

Not a holiday. I'm just putting it out there. It's not a holiday. No chance. It's just not your kind of holiday. Yeah, I'm telling my opinion. I'm telling my opinion. My opinion is not a holiday.

What's your holiday? Or every single day, this fella who we don't know is going to pick me up and fucking cart around in a car with air con probably doesn't work and pointed a load of shit and then take me back. Get him back in a car with air con probably doesn't work and pointed a load of shit and then take it away

get him back in his car and down that road get me by that pool with a drink in me hand this was great, a lot of time was spent in the car so when you found somewhere with a toilet you took the opportunity not a whole day my wife and I arrived at the

Botanic Gardens near Candy for anyone that's not been. It's like a big National Trust-type manicured garden that you get back in the UK. Great. All in a honeymoon to see that. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Says the sloth by the side of the pool with a beer.

It's 11 o'clock in the morning. Oh, yeah, yeah. Awful. 11? Why am I starting that late? Oh, God. God, I'd love to have a holiday like that again. Tell us about it. On entering the gardens,

I noticed quite a respectable-looking toilet block over to the right. Fantastic, I thought, and went over to pay it a visit. I began weighing and started doing what I'm sure every man does, trying to push the blocks slash chemical cakes along using the power of my urine.

Yep, all been there, mate. Oh, is this true? Great work. Oh, all been there, mate. Oh, is this true? Great work. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Vile. My favourite hobby includes spraying someone's skid mark off the back of the toilet if they've already done it. Someone's left a skidder.

Ew. You spray someone's skidder off. Oh, God. Hey, you're doing God's work, man. You're doing God's work. Oh, that is so grim. What do you do? Like scratch off

with your nail oh sorry everyone sorry I don't look I'm in a silly mood today yeah no well you don't have to look

but you've got to look at it and you go do you know what I'm going to do you know sometimes I'll do that I'll spray it off and I'll walk out

I'll find the KT and I'll go you're welcome saved you a scrub I said about I did it on Twitter years ago as well I said

I spend so much time as well especially on the train every single time I go to the toilet on the train I spend time wiping other people's

fucking wee off the toilet seat so that the next person in doesn't think it was me you wee over the seat but do you know it's the flush it's not the flush is it wee

doesn't happen to me oh men wow you guys are disgusting I knew that was blokes Spend your time cleaning toilets How dare you Well good but

Oh god I knew that was blokes wee I convinced myself That it was off the flush And I was like That's flush That's blokes wee Oh for god's sake

Hate you Hate you Hate you I'm cleaning it man I'm part of the solution Part of the problem Anyway listen to this He's weeing the thing

Along the trough Yeah yeah It was a. He's winging the thing along the trough. Yeah, yeah. It was a long trough-type urinal going all the way along the wall. I found myself turning almost 90 degrees to the left, sending it on its merry way. This is not... Okay, this isn't urinal. It's something to do with the plants.

However, as I had now turned to the left, I suddenly noticed a man stood about five metres along from me, applying soap and washing his hands in the same trough. It was at that moment when I looked up and noticed the metal taps above me. In a panic, I looked round

to see individual urinals on the wall behind me. I was pissing in the sink. And what's more, I had been power-blasting the soap along the trough how fucking tall is this guy the defining memory had to be watching the yellow urine headed pace towards the unexpecting hand washers unsuspecting sorry hand washers wow i zipped up and made a swift exit applying alcohol gel once i'd made my escape wow

wow have you seen that old video that was one of the first videos to ever go viral of the guy at the festival

who comes out of the oh and he washes his hands in the urine he like rubbed his hand in all the way and picks it up

and the person doing the interview is just like oh god yes I do remember that and does he not even notice he does he realises at first

and he's like I think she's it's like, I think she's, it's like, I'm sure she's Dutch or something. And oh my God. And he's like, is this, is this, is this, like, is this piss or whatever? And she's like, I think so, man. And he's like, oh, so good. I'll have to watch that again, actually.

I love that. I can't, it makes us want to die. I can't watch it. I feel so embarrassed for him. I feel so embarrassed for him, I want to die. But you can see, like you said, so he comes out of the cubicle and he looks at the camera. He's like, it. I feel so embarrassed for him. I feel so embarrassed for him I want to die. But you can see like he comes out of the cubicle

and he looks at the camera and he's like camera better wash me hands in this fresh piss. In this fresh stranger piss. And that's why you'll never say mate at a festival.

Oh aye. Thank you very much. Hi Chris and Rosie. Please keep me anonymous as I am still embarrassed about this. I have a story that involves post-nut

clarity. Yes. If Rosie doesn't know what this is, Chris may have to explain. Okay. So, post... Awful. Is it a porn thing? It depends. I've read this a long time ago. It's when a man ejaculates.

It's been talked about a lot in popular culture and jokes and something about Mary he tells Ben Stiller go and have a wank before he goes out on the date because after you've ejaculated it's the most honest moment of your life it's the most honest moments of your life you're not horny anymore, you're not thinking with your dick anymore

that's all gone so it depends, so sometimes as it goes you can be doing something really depraved and disgusting and then once it's all over you go as it goes you can be doing something really depraved and disgusting and then once it's all over you go oh my god what have I done

right happens when you're younger and you first start learning to wank and you're like wahey wahey wahey

what would me nana think I'm horrible boy oh no me nana and me mam what will

they think of me might just be me but you know we've all got our reference points we've got sons and this is because women, girls do not masturbate at the same time I mean they might now, I don't know no, I never did

I never did, I didn't have a clue never had a little strum no no no not as a honest to god i'm not i'm not trying to say this because i think it's totally normal i'm totally absolutely women go for it like a day now all every day all the time five hours a day youate now? You masturbate these days? Is this some sort of joke? Stop the podcast, lads. Come on in. Lads, we've got her. We've got her.

Everyone, come in. Police. We've got her. She's dug herself in a hole again. We've got her. The masturbating police are coming in. The FBI. The Frig BI. The Frig BI.

The Frig BI. Come on. Lock her up. Disgusting. She's a mother. Mom's Frig too. Anyway. No, I just don't think...

Girls don't do it as early as boys, I don't think. Boys, it's like 11 or something. Oh, I don't know think girls don't do it as early as boys I don't think. Boys are like 11 or something. Oh, I don't know. Oh God, it makes us ill. Especially for two boys. Anyway.

Thank you for explaining the post-nuclearity. Yeah, that's basically the correct way. Thank you for shopping us to the wank police. Yeah, no problem. Awful, that.

They've said you're allowed to finish this podcast and then you get locked up. Last episode, guys. Just getting locked up and being a dirty a dirty a dirty strummer. I i knew you were gonna say strummer i knew you were gonna say anyway

so me and my ex-girlfriend had been together for around one year before she went to university on the other side of the country and we had to become a long distance couple this meant that after a whole year of doing sexual activities together in person we had to become quite inventive as she was miles and miles away from me got you i found out one evening whilst on facetime to her that there was something she wanted me to do which would i quote make her as wet as a flannel lovely she explained that to show my love for her whilst on video call i I should print out a photo of her and she could watch while I masturbated and eventually ejaculated on her photo.

Goodness gracious me. I obeyed. As obviously you want your girlfriend to feel sexually satisfied. Oh no. Once I had finished, I vividly remember looking down at the sodden piece of evil paper. Sodden! Sodden is a fantastic word! remember looking down at the sodden piece of evil paper with her face on and thinking what am i doing with my life this was the feeling of post not clarity that's it that's it we broke up around two months later because she cheated on me whilst at university clearly the video calls

weren't enough for us. I feel bad laughing, but I just... Honestly, I imagine she had a bit of post-nug clarity as well. I imagine afterwards she went, that wasn't what I expected it would be. I couldn't think of anything worse. Absolutely horrendous. Awful, that, like... Isn't that, like...

Just video time each other? Just video or something? Oh, I don't know isn't that like just video time each other just video or something oh I don't know but that's just oh on a picture what's he printing it out for

as well I like the idea that he had to go and get an ink cartridge from somewhere as well oh I've got I've got no colour I've got so many

blank white is that alright no it's gotta be colour right I'll be back in an hour I've got a poppy piece in the world what was the picture would it have been naked

was she on the video watching so she's on the most fucked up thing I've ever heard so she's on the video watching him just

wank over a printed out photo I hope it wasn't just like a blown up version of a passport photo or pixelated and that so you can barely tell it's her

picture of her and her mum but her mum's cut out at a wedding hand over the mum don't you look at me what if he didn't come imagine that, why are you not coming I couldn't actually

have that kind of pressure, she's just watching through the screen just now, go on horrible, awful that like I've never been single whilst video cameras are a thing I thank my lucky stars every day. That Tinder, video phones and all that wasn't my crack, thank God.

Well, bloody love you. Your little loves. Thank you again for listening to Shag Riding Lloyd, which is part of the Acast Creator Network. Yes, guys. Thank you so much. As always, if you want to get in touch, it is shagridingloyd at gmail.com. If you've got a beef and you want to be on the tv show or you've got an it goes or i go item those details are on our instagrams or if you want to come see the tv show we'd love to see you there and uh yeah the arena tour for 2023 is on sale now thank you so much for listening we'll

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